| Author |
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Sugar
Member
08-15-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 11:41 am 
I have lost a great deal of weight over the last year. It has changed how I can move, how clothes fit, how I can easily sit in chairs or booths that were not comfortable or possible before. Things like that. My personality remains the same in all its pluses and minuses.
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Kitt
Member
09-05-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 12:47 pm
There are several characters on This Is Us that seem so well written that I think they are based on people known to the writers. I think Toby is one of them. At the beginning he was one of those people who use "loving" someone as a means to overrule their autonomy and do what they want. "I only say you shouldn't do that thing you want to do but I don't want you to do as you wouldn't be very good at it and you'd just get upset. And I love you so much I couldn't bear it if you were upset." Not an actual quote but that sort of thing. I should think we've all met them or seen them with friends.
That's really why I always had the impression he was controlling. I can't remember specifics now, but it wasn't just one or two comments, it was how he was written, and I assumed purposefully. He kind of lost it for a few seasons and I had started to like him - still do, even though I think he's not seeing the bigger picture - but it took me a very long time because of how he was early on.
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Jimmer
Board Administrator
08-29-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 1:30 pm
True. I'm not sure I'd want to be married to any of them. LOL ... well maybe Beth or Miguel.
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 1:37 pm
I once had an overweight boss who was very sweet and nice to everyone in the office. He hired a personal trainer and lost a whole bunch of weight. He changed entirely and became arrogant and full of himself. He cheated on his wife and lost her. She was sweet too.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 1:40 pm
Working out was one secret Toby kep from Kate.
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 1:42 pm
That's really why I always had the impression he was controlling.
Kitt you are saying exactly what I was seeing. I recall Toby sabotaging Kate's attempts to diet in Season 1. That left a bad taste in my mouth and maybe it tainted how I saw him after that.
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 1:44 pm
Toby was always a "secret keeper" and he has kept important information from Kate before. The working out one was that bothered me too. He actually lied about that when asked where he was and why he was losing weight. Who does that to their spouse?
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 1:51 pm
Toby must have a lot of secret workouts to have lost all that weight. He knew that Kate was worried about him and that he had mental health issues, yet he told her the working out must be weight loss from "stress" and "grief". That's a big lie that had to go on for months and made Kate worry tremendously for him!
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Jimmer
Board Administrator
08-29-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 2:03 pm
I don't know what fantasy trip the writers were on or if we are remembering incorrectly but it's absolutely ridiculous that Toby could lose that amount of weight without Kate noticing.
As far as sabotaging her diet in Season 1, Toby and Kate discussed it in advance and agreed that Toby should eat what he wants and Kate would eat what she wants. Which is as it should be.
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 5:16 pm
I read reviews about those early episodes. Kate noticed the weight loss and he lied about how he was losing weight (until the truth came out.)
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 5:24 pm
Somewhat off-topic and maybe why I have such a soft spot for Kate. I've watched a lot of "My 600-lb Life" episodes. Most of the men in the lives of extremely overweight women pose as "helpers". They are actually awful people who use, hurt, and enable the women. The women who are able to successfully leave those men have a much greater chance of succeeding in their weight loss (health and life) goals.
I'm not saying Toby is awful like those men, but he was insensitive and an enabler. He did little to help her succeed in her goals and focused entirely on himself.
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Jimmer
Board Administrator
08-29-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 5:47 pm
I’ve watched some of those episodes as well and I understand how you feel about those shows.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 6:02 pm
As I recall, Toby wore baggy clothing/jackets as part of his losing weight coverup. I know when I've lost weight (not as much ) in the past I would keep wearing the same clothing until at some point I'd buy or dig out clothing that was smaller and now fit, so some people would express surprise and the most I lost over a steady period of time was 50 pounds, which is plenty as short as I am but not as much change as Toby went through (the actor could just remove the fat suit he wore and I assume there was a change in makeup.
Strategist, yes there are "chubby chasers", usually men who persue overweight women and they are seen on shows enabling and sabotaging.
For the overweight men, there are often mothers or sisters, sometimes wives, who just cannot say no to providing horrible food choices and quantities.
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Jimmer
Board Administrator
08-29-2000
| Monday, March 28, 2022 - 6:21 pm
Yeah I know Sea, but there’s a difference between fooling friends and acquaintances and fooling the person you are intimate with.
I’ve lost a lot of weight the last couple of years (35 pounds) and it’s amazing how much you can lose and people don’t notice for a while but Toby’s weight loss is on a different scale.
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 3:18 am
It's insidious to consciously put effort into fooling someone that you are intimate with.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 8:38 am
I agree, Stratty.
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Jimmer
Board Administrator
08-29-2000
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 9:21 am
My point was I don’t think it is believable that he could fool her. If he could, that says something about her as well as him and something about their relationship.
Why did he or why would he want to fool her anyway?
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 10:18 am
It's entirely believable to me. He said that he was losing weight from stress and anxiety. She could have been stepping lightly to avoid stressing him further.
I agree that it says something about him, her and their relationship. I don't know his motivation, but I know that he lied to her for a very long time pretending that his weight loss was something that it was not.
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Kitt
Member
09-05-2000
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 1:49 pm
Here's a youtube clip of the big reveal about the gym stuff:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MM6pVRDqog
Kate says she knew he was losing weight "but...." (as in "wow" when she makes him take his shirt off) but then she says the Popeye arms don't make sense, and that's when he says about going to the gym.
It's also another example of my "I love you so much..." He didn't tell her (so he says) because she was being "this rock star mom and he didn't want to make her feel bad for not going to the gym or stick to a diet." I.e. "I had to lie to you for your own good because I love you so much." Controlling.
(I don't think he was wrong to lose weight or go to the gym btw (although I do bet Kate just wished she had time to go to the gym or do something for herself), just wrong to lie.)
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Jimmer
Board Administrator
08-29-2000
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 3:06 pm
You obviously don’t believe Toby or agree with his reasoning. So why do you think Toby didn’t tell Kate that he was going to the gym and trying to lose weight?
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 3:32 pm
I really don't know, but I can attempt a guess: Selfish.
He wanted to spend all that time at the gym working on himself instead of doing the work of raising the children. Kate did just about everything at home while he was enjoying his workouts. If he told Kate and if she started having outside interests too, he would have had to split the work at home.
PS. I believe that's what's happening in their current timeline as well. He gets to enjoy his fulfilling life and only see Kate and the children when he wants. The rest of the time he's fine with Kate doing all the raising the family work and not having any of her own time for outside interests. Selfish.
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Strategist
Member
07-01-2014
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 3:34 pm
I didn't see the video clip as it's unavailable in Canada.
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Kitt
Member
09-05-2000
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 3:38 pm
Not sure if you mean me or someone before me, but if me, I think he just wants to do his own thing, and doesn't want Kate to say something that makes him feel bad for doing his own thing. If he doesn't discuss it with Kate, then he gets to make up whatever story he wants about how Kate would react if she knew, in order to justify his actions to himself.
And there's nothing to actually suggest Kate would say something that makes him feel bad, she's never suggested Toby shouldn't lose weight, she just said she herself couldn't. It might not be ideal for Toby, but there was no reason to lie, he just felt more comfortable doing so.
(But btw, she did know he wanted to and was losing weight, she just didn't know about the gym.)
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Kitt
Member
09-05-2000
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 3:41 pm
It's funny that Strategist and I have a very similar interpretation of all things Toby here, but our opinion doesn't seem to be shared by many. Don't know what it means but it's interesting Strategist and I see the same thing.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Tuesday, March 29, 2022 - 5:44 pm
There was nothing wrong with working out, but keeping it a secret, not so good. Once you start keeping secrets in a marriage, when do you stop having secrets. And Crossfit??
If he had initially just said he was in a cardiac rehab program it might have been easier to share. And certainly there were valid reasons for him to work out and lose weight.
But that was just a symptom and then other secrets have been bigger.
And this was the start of being away from wife and child (or not being around for more hours to help out at home).
it is a tribute to the writers on this show, to the original plan) that it certainly is causing more discussion than any other show..
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