| Author |
Message |
Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Friday, April 26, 2019 - 6:26 pm 
Too late, I make a nice personalized Communion gift.
However, a religious card and $20 - $50 is considered appropriate. Stay away from any other religious items unless you are a member of the family.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Friday, April 26, 2019 - 6:53 pm
I ♡♡♡♡♡ you gals! Thank u Kar & Sea, sooooo much.
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Friday, April 26, 2019 - 9:02 pm
Didn’t see this till now but if you have a store in your area that sells Catholic items, we have one here, they could quickly lead you in the right direction.
Depending on the age of the grandchild, I would say an appropriate St. object or a simple cross necklace.
I usually don’t do the card and money for someone who I consider a close friend but it is certainly acceptable.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 11:29 am
"There was a time that you cared and that you wanted to be apart of the kids lives. I don't know what happened but something has changed, They ask about you, they miss their grandma, You're not there for them anymore, I don't ask for much but I wish you were there for them. I will never ask for your help again or ask you to be in my life. But don't get mad when I'm in another state and don't tell you. You chose to separate yourself from our lives."
This is the response I got from my only child after I told her I couldn't watch the boys tomorrow morning from 7 - 9 am. She knows she is more than welcome to bring the kids here, but that's too much to ask from her. I still can't drive because of my darn toe nails, or lack there of. Plus the crazy stress of the biopsy on Tuesday.
Tomorrow I am going to my oldest grandsons baseball game...in slippers. Tomorrow is also her and her hubbies 10th anniversary.
I sent them a home made card and was planning to bring a gift with me to the baseball game to give to my girl and her hubby.
Now I'm sooo hurt. I don't know what to do. Said kid resents me for my mental health issues and my physical limitations. I keep praying she will grow up and express a little empathy towards me, but at 34, I'm not sure she will ever change.
Any words of wisdom for me? What should I do? She has a masters in Nursing and has compassion for others...unless it has to do with my side of the family. We spent time with them for Gage's 11 birthday and we took Gage out for one on one time. The following week we had Easter and they joined our family celebration. I thought we had fun.
I watched all 3 boys from the time they were 3 months until they were old enough for preschool. Last year was the first year I didn't have one, Tanner, full time.
Sorry for rambling. I just need to get some of this crap out of my head....share the pain and divide the sorrow.
Thanks for listening.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 11:45 am
Send her the true answer.
I would love to watch the kids, and I hate it as much as you do that I can't drive over to watch them.
I wish you would reconsider and bring them here so I can spend some time with them. I miss them too.
Leave all the rest out of it. The "noise" is about her, it's not about you. I know it hurts, but do your best to take the high road.
I'm so sorry she doesn't understand. She may be under her own stress, and no matter how old they get, they will take their stress out on their moms. (((( Kearie ))))
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 12:36 pm
Does she know you can’t drive? Does she know the stress you’re experiencing at the moment? Is there something else happening in her life that is causing her stress?
I don’t know enough to know what to suggest. Good calm open communication is best but that’s easier said than done. Please keep trying though. It’s worth it.
I’ve seen how kind you are and I hope things get better for you.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 3:18 pm
Thanks...she knows I can't get my foot in a shoe and she knows about the biopsy. My mom and I are still going to the Baseball game tomorrow eve, not sure how that will go but I will play it by ear. I'm not really mad at her...just hurt.
I really don't know what to say to her. You all thought I can be volatile well, she's better at it than me, as hard as that may be to believe. I will certainly hug and love on my grandsons. I'll tell her I love her also, but beyond that I don't know. I guess I'll wait and see how she responds.
Again, thanks for the kind words and words of wisdom.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 4:00 pm
All I can say is that it never pays to argue with the parents of your grandchildren.
The words I posted as a possible reply above still apply even if she knows.
I would love to watch the kids, and I hate it as much as you do that I can't drive over to watch them.
I wish you would reconsider and bring them here so I can spend some time with them. I miss them too.
This is how you deal with an unreasonable view. You quietly agree with the parts that are true, and reiterate that you care.
It may not work the first time. It will work eventually. There's no point in trying to get her to understand you or have empathy for you at this point. For whatever reason, she's not there. So vent to your friends (and us) instead. We care.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 4:17 pm
I tried sending a private message, but I left out the Subject line, will it still get sent?
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 4:42 pm
On TVCH? Yes, it should get delivered.
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Dipo
Member
04-23-2002
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 4:54 pm
Might be a good idea to pick up the phone and relay your concern/dilemma that you can't drive over.
Just using email is what gets everyones feeling hurt when a phone call might clear it all up.
But you know your daughter better than me.
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Texannie
Member
07-15-2001
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 6:10 pm
Karuuna, has very good advice.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 6:23 pm
Yes, she does. Thanks everyone.
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 7:15 pm
Yes Karunna does give good advice. ❤️ Kar
Now for the flip side. I think sometimes children need to be put in their place and face reality.
Just because you gave them life doesn’t mean you owe them your life.
I suspect when she uses the word them she actually means me not them.
You can’t possibly be there and do thier stuff when you as a person are dealing with your own problems.
When they, your children, say wah wah why aren’t you taking care of my problems for me, sometimes you have to say because I’m trying to take care of my own .
It’s not selfishness, it’s just the truth, as you get older things happen, you find yourself in a place where you can no longer do all the things for them that you use to do.
As adult children, with children of thier own they need to know that.
To me it’s a moment to teach them not a moment to just give in to their wants.
I’m sure my opinion will not be popular but one thing I’ve learned is the power of saying no to anyone, including my children, when it becomes more than I can do.
So in my humble opinion you should tell her that what she said was hurtful to you because that’s the truth.
Yes continue to care for the grandkids the same way you always have but you don’t need to be guilt tripped and that’s exactly what she’s doing.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 8:32 pm
I believe in the old saying "seek first to understand."
I have found that no matter what the issue, you are more likely to get a better response.
That doesn't mean you can't say no, but you can say it with love.
Starting out with telling her what she said was hurtful is likely to only escalate the situation, and then you will be less likely to see your grandkids in the future.
That's a lose-lose for sure.
She is the gatekeeper to those kiddos. While you don't have to give in to demands, you don't want to poke the gatekeeper.
Nothing that I suggested was untrue. In fact, it validated the feelings on both sides. You do wish you could drive (as does she). You do wish you could see the grandkids (as does she). Find a way to join with, not fight against.
JMO.
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 10:20 pm
I in part agree with Karunna. Seeking to understand is a good starting point.
But allowing someone to hold you an emotional hostage is good for no one. The more you bend to emotional blackmail the more likely it is to be used against you again.
I think a sit down truthful talk would be the best solution if you have the type of relationship to do so but even then you have to say I won’t allow you to manipulate me
I have three kids and have heard it all. Sometimes I’ve had to tell them no I’m not playing your game.
You can only do what you can do and should not beat yourself up and feeling bad because you don’t live up to the expectations of others, even if it’s your child.
Over the course of time I have heard I’m never going to talk to you again, or im going to do this or that but in the end it doesn’t work out that way. Because your children need you even if you don’t give them what they want/ demand.
Positive conversation is the first and best course of any action but sometimes when that hasn’t worked, straight tough love becomes necessary.
I’m not saying anything Kar said was not true, it is but sometimes the be kind at all cost solution just doesn’t work.
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Wednesday, May 01, 2019 - 10:50 pm
Now I’m going to backtrack on some things.
If my child had said that, I honestly would of ignored it, kinda like when a toddler throws a fit because ice cream is cold.
Don’t lead with you hurt my feelings, even though I didn’t actually recommend that, understanding is a mutual thing.
Unfortunately as the parent we have to be the adult. Which means being open like Kar says.
Only the parent of a loved child will know how to reach them and know when they are just being brats.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Thursday, May 02, 2019 - 5:19 pm
Thanks everyone. I'm off to Gage's baseball game. Going to be talking to ArReal for the first time since her text.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Thursday, May 02, 2019 - 5:21 pm
Good luck, Will send good vibes for a good encounter!
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Grooch
Member
06-16-2006
| Thursday, May 02, 2019 - 5:30 pm
Hoping you have a peaceful and enjoyable evening!
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Thursday, May 02, 2019 - 7:03 pm
Hope the evening goes well.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Thursday, May 02, 2019 - 9:35 pm
Her hubby was there with 2 of the boys, Gage and Ryker, but ArReal didn't show up so I didn't get to see Tanner.
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Colordeagua
Member
10-24-2003
| Monday, May 06, 2019 - 8:54 pm
Gotta **PURGE** books. I have a ton of books. Not reading books. Books with graphics on whatever subject might strike my fancy when I'm browsing. Few favorite subjects, but whatever. A ton. My BFF hears it a lot from me, "I love my books." I do. I have four shelves that have been hung on the wall for some years. 'Bout six months ago one came crashing down as I was going for a book. Cudda been bad -- shelf or any books didn't hit me on the head. Cudda. Tonight as I was watching TV, another of the shelves came CRASHing down on its own. Both were 24" shelves full of hardcover books.
The two other shelves are 36". Not as heavily filled, but still. I had California Closets put up whole shelving / drawer system on one of my walls years ago. A LOT of books in there too. And two other smaller CC shelf systems also. Some books in those.
Time to **PURGE**
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Kookliebird
Member
08-04-2005
| Monday, May 06, 2019 - 9:41 pm
Too bad you aren’t in Portland. You could try to sell some of them at Powell’s Books.
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Dipo
Member
04-23-2002
| Monday, May 06, 2019 - 9:47 pm
You can enter the barcode thingies on Half Price Books and they might purchase them, there are other places that might take them as well.
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