| Author |
Message |
Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Friday, November 17, 2017 - 8:07 pm 
I’m am perplexed about what to do. Christmas is coming up and I’m looking at what I should give to people.
Problem is I’m not felling the Christmas spirt towards people who did not acknowledge the gifts I sent them last year and received no gifts from them.
I don’t really care so much about the no gifts because I have more than I could ever hope for.
What makes me question what I should do this year is the fact that my daughter was diagnosed with the possibility of cancer and under went major surgery and not one time since have they called me or my daughter.
She is their only niece, and the people not there for me or her is my only sibling my sister and her family.
While we have always been complete opposites , I would have thought she would show some care for her niece.
So my question is would you go out of your way to buy presents for them for Christmas because of the spirt of the holiday or ignore them they way they have ignored you when you really needed support?
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Dipo
Member
04-23-2002
| Friday, November 17, 2017 - 10:07 pm
I understand the not getting things, that is not the issue.
I would just send them a Christmas card and forgo the gifts.
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Naja
Member
06-28-2003
| Friday, November 17, 2017 - 10:29 pm
Firebird05, I hope your daughter is doing better. I've been through something similar the past few month with my husband and his esophageal cancer and his treatments.
As long as it's not a strain on your budget, I would just buy presents like I always have and just forgive them in your own mind. Your kindness may not be paid back directly, but it will be paid back somehow 
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Grooch
Member
06-16-2006
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 12:21 am
Firebird, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I had 2 minor medical procedures that I had to be under anesthesia for. One was the Friday before Thanksgiving and the other was 2 days before Thanksgiving. Being under the 2nd time really screwed me up and I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavy. My mother had her own medical problems at the time, too.
We still managed to make Thanksgiving for 20 people that we had to get to my aunt's house. It was the year that everyone in my family were S.O.B.s and we got zero help from anybody, were rude and ungrateful. It was bad. I ended up in tears by the night's end. But everyone else had a good time.
Suffice to say, I felt the same way you are feeling now about Christmas gifts. I was angry and hurt. So, what to do? Somehow I came across a catalogue from a charity where you can "buy" animals or shares of an animal for poor people in other countries. They use these animals to raise them and make money off them to support their families.
My mother and I had a lot of fun going through the catalogue, reading the stories and choosing what animal to buy for each family member as we plotted our "revenge". We bought some rabbits, ducks, bees, chickens and shares of goats, pigs and alpacas. The charity sent us very nice cards to pass out to everyone. We had them open them at the same time. The looks on their faces were priceless. I can't remember what exactly we told them, but we told them in a nice way that they acted horrible and this was good for their souls.
They got the point, we all had a good laugh and then we brought out the real gifts.
The organization was Heiffer International. Just don't give them your real phone number. It took a while to get off their call list. But, that seems to be a problem with any charity you give your phone number to.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 7:07 am
Just send a card, FB. They should consider themselves lucky to receive even that.
Great story Grooch.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 7:42 am
Funny story, Grooch. 
Firebird, just go on being the good person that you are and feel good about yourself and your DD. I’ve never found “retaliation” to be particularly satisfying.
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Merrysea
Moderator
08-13-2004
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 12:00 pm
I would just assume that if they don't send you gifts, they don't want you to send them any.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-02-2002
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 1:28 pm
Do you do the gifts in person or send them? If you send them, I would stop for sure. Send a card. Instead put a gift in the charity box at your local store. You'll feel better about that gifting!
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 2:52 pm
I'd send them cards and notes that in their honor you have donated to charity in their name.
If I was feeling really devilish, I might say that I'm doing so because having (insert c-word) in the family has made you so much more aware of how much we need family at times like these.  I may also make sure that those charities that hire annoying professional fundraisers get their phone number. 
Merry Christmas! 
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 4:34 pm
Thank you wise and wonderful peeps.
I do indeed ship their gifts and you can only try to meet people halfway so many times.
Just going to have to accept there are things I cannot change
.
I absolutely love the idea of giving to charity in their names.
I don’t think that would fall under revengeful.
I do considered myself a tolerant person but that evaporates when it comes to by kids.
Your answers were helpful because my thinking was not so altruistic.
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Sugar
Member
08-15-2000
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 5:01 pm
No thank you note, no more gifts.
Send a card with a quick Ho Ho Ho or Merry Merry and your name, nothing more.
I am guessing that you spoke to your sister and let her know about the surgery. It is shameful that no one has inquired how your family is doing.
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Grooch
Member
06-16-2006
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 6:00 pm
Firebird, I had fun with the animals. Find something special to you. Maybe donating for research for what your daughter had might be a nice idea and would get your point across.
Of course it's not revengeful. It's more along the lines of turning lemons into lemonade.
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Pamy
Member
01-01-2002
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 6:48 pm
I also love the donate to charity idea
question, when you tell someone you donated in their name/honor, dont you still get the tax deduction? so Firebird would technically get a gift from them at tax time LOL!!
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 7:29 pm
I’m going with charitable donations.
My top two are St. Jude’s and Shriners Hospital but a cancer organization would be good too. That ‘s the good angel on my shoulder.
They other side says donate to the Clinton Foundation, the NAACP or a woman’s and children’s domestic violence shelter.
All are good options but the last three would be more revengeful since these are the things they oppose.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 8:39 pm
It took me a couple years to realize I was not even getting any acknowledgement that my gifts had been received, but once I realized it, I never ever again sent gifts. And yes, I now do spend the money on charitable donations. I just don't let them know about it.
But, I think this year charitable donations and letting the "donors" get an acknowledgement seems like a good idea. Doing a quick Google, American Kidney Fund seems like an excellent organization for your loved ones to make their donations to.
https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=search.summary&orgid=3270
And if any of the "donors" call you all in a snit, act REAL surprised, and like you think they MUST be kidding, considering the anguish and fear you went through BY YOURSELF. But they won't call. Or at least, if they do, you can thank them for their concern, as IF they are actually calling you in support.
And, while I am on this roll, donating in their behalf to battered spouse and children charities could not possibly be considered a radical thing, could it?
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Sunday, November 19, 2017 - 10:56 pm
Juju once again you show the way. I already have the information on The National Kidney Foundation so it seems perfect for sending a message without being totally bitchy.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Monday, November 20, 2017 - 1:25 am
Be sure to donate in their names with their addresses.. Then the charity will add them to their mailing list. 😈
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Monday, November 20, 2017 - 6:41 am
Heifer International is a very worthwhile charity.
They supply animals to people living in poverty all over the world. They also teach the recipients how to raise them.
They have nice gift cards to announce your donation.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Monday, November 20, 2017 - 7:53 pm
Agree about Heifer International being an excellent charity. They are one of my favorites, and I do make donations to them and recommend them to people. And this is a good time of year to be reminded of them.
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Monday, November 20, 2017 - 9:51 pm
Thanks for all your comments, you’ve given me great information and a lot to think about.
I read an article today that was of the opinion that giving gifts to adults is a money drain.
There point was we run around frantically buying stuff for people when we have know idea what they want, need or even like.
Many of these gifts go unused or trashed.
Also what is it that compels us to feel we must spend or else we are bad people.
I’m beginning to feel the same. I only have one small child in the family, my 4 year old grandson and Even he has most of the things you can buy a four year old.
All my children, relatives and myself already have more stuff than necessary.
Not trying to be a Scrooge but I’m tired of spending money on gifts that just end up gathering dust in a closet somewhere or sent back to me as a present some other time because they forgot that I was the one who gave it to them in the first place. 🙄
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Brenda1966
Member
07-02-2002
| Monday, November 20, 2017 - 10:30 pm
Let's face it -- most of us don't need more "Stuff", so I try to find gifts that are consumables. For teen girls, makeup or bath items For kids, things like craft projects, for adults a favorite snack or tickets to an event they would enjoy. And to ingrates, nothing.
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Firebird05
Member
08-24-2001
| Tuesday, November 21, 2017 - 12:20 am
Yeah I tried that one year making edibles. I still have most of it in my fridge. 😏. My youngest is 22 and the only child is four.
With their devices and food network they are all chefs now and make their own stuff.
The only thing that I can think to send them are nuts, not only can they not grow them but their new generation eating makes me nuts. 🙄🙄🙄
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Roxip
Member
01-29-2004
| Tuesday, November 21, 2017 - 8:21 am
I used to work for four attorneys - all of whom of course made vastly more than I did. I donated in their name to Heifer International one year and they loved it (they were all pretty altruistic).
I have a small family and we all exchange presents (and I also have to purchase presents for my dad for everybody) but we are very practical. Last year I created a Christmas Wish List on Amazon and gave my niece my Amazon password (yes, I trust her that much) and we just all put our wish lists there and that way nobody got a gift that they didn't want. It worked so well we are doing it again this year. I have already started ordering stuff. It works well for us.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Tuesday, November 21, 2017 - 9:03 am
I don't mind a small gift, but I have a dear friend that's a bit of a compulsive shopper. She knows I'm trying to simplify, but she sends me stuff I don't need or can't use every birthday or Christmas.
I try to tell her, but it makes no difference. Sigh.
Heh, last birthday even though she knows I can't stand wearing t-shirts with crew necks, she sent me a tshirt. She even said in the note that she knows I don't like these, but it was so cute she couldn't resist. Double sigh.
I would much prefer she make a donation in my name!
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Dipo
Member
04-23-2002
| Tuesday, November 21, 2017 - 11:28 am
LOL, we (my family and friends) gave up doing the gift thing. We used to do a name pull at Thanksgiving, but now that all the children are old and some even married that stopped.
Now my sister and I make lists of things we need and exchange those so that even tho I will get something I want and need I still don't know for sure what I am getting.
And I have finally gotten over having to keep things because they were a gift, I just donate them to Goodwill and move on down the road.
Everyone else gets a lovely christmas cards and mostly with my friends we just get together and have lunch or dinner.
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