The Truth About Gay Lifestyles

The ClubHouse: The Game II - Mysterious Puzzler: Discussions/Challenges: The Truth About Gay Lifestyles
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Archive through January 15, 2001 25   01/18 08:33am

Azriel

Monday, January 15, 2001 - 11:03 pm Click here to edit this post

My first serious boyfriend was gay. I didn't know it at the time, of course. He was 18 and I was 15. I was crazy about him. When we were alone he was so sweet and affectionate. He never would show me any affection in public though. He wouldn't even hold my hand. He said that he felt like people were staring at him and wondering why HE was with such a cute girl. Blah, of course I thought that was a pile of bull and he just didn't want to be seen holding MY hand. That was the reason I finally broke up with him because I just constantly felt bad about myself.

A few years later, I found out that he was gay. Of course, my first reaction was ~gasp~ I 'turned him gay' He had a hard time with his family and with drugs and the law. The last I heard of him he had moved away from Houston and I think he was finally happy. I hope so at least.

I guess the point of my ramble is I wish he hadn't had to go through that pain and could have just been himself. I lost alot of years of his friendship which meant more to me than anything because I just didn't understand.

Juju2bigdog

Tuesday, January 16, 2001 - 06:30 am Click here to edit this post

Same here, Az, first boyfriend. I know some other women for whom that is also the case. Makes you wonder just how common it is. And, like, how could there be that many gay men.

We were the exact same age, same birthdate. we were both 18, talked about getting married. then he began to do strange things, skipping school, staying out all night at mysterious parties, friends I had no idea who they were. He finally told me what was going on, and of course, I was devastated. I think he really did love me, but just wasn't wired that way. I think I was like his last hurrah at trying to prove to himself that he really was "normal." And I have also come to believe that having a girlfriend is probably a normal rite of passage for gay young men.

We stayed in touch over the years. He would let me know when he changed partners. He moved to Minneapolis after high school and later to san francisco. One year I did not get a christmas card from him. Late one night about six months later, I got a phone call from a man, his lover, who told me my friend had died of AIDS. dead at 42. I'm still mad about it. I blame him for being promiscuous, and think that if he had not cheated on his partner, he would still be alive.

Better sign off. Spouse is gonna catch me crying.

Newamush

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 07:40 am Click here to edit this post

Sorry Elitist for taking so long to get back to you. You're an inquizative little bugger aren't you?

In response to your query, Absolutely. As I stated before, men are men regardless of what their sexual orientation is. Now that I am approaching the status of "old •••" (hold it in Elite, no more wet panties), I am seeing from the other side. If you take a look at any gay publication, you will see the exact same thing you see in straight publications; young and beautiful. What older man, in general, wouldn't want a young, strapping buck/vixen in their bed. I think that is just the male nature. You also find an awful lot of young hustlers going after older gay men because they will pay. That type of behavior runs across orientation lines. Who do the prostitutes target: Anyone they think is rich or anyone they think are lonely. Maybe even more so in the gay community. I think partly because it's easier to get in and out of relationships. No divorce. It is sad, but I do know quite a few older gay men who are alone. But that also has a lot to do with the spread of AIDS. Partners are dying and leaving "widowers." I think am fortunate to have found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It is rare in this community for couples to last very long, but the ones that do are, for the most part, good relationships.

Lesbians are women. They nurture and tend to look for and cultivate relationships. They tend to stay together more.

Az and Ju, I found you're stories both sad and not surprising. With coming out of the closet becoming more and more acceptable, guys who were taught that they were straight are being able to accept it for themselve and, unfortunately, friends and family, and yes, girlfriends, are suffering. I'm so glad juju had a good take on the situation and didn't blame herself. I'm sure most of you know that in most of this type of case, the girlfriend loses it because she thinks it's her fault. Kudos to you Juju.

In sum, I think people are looking at the gay community as a different type of humanity. But if you get to the meat of things, gay people have the same relational problems that straight people have, just with the same sex.

I guess that a pretty good ramble. Please ask if you need something cleared up. Elite, it's nice to see you taking an interest in understanding the gay community. Most people just take the opinions others throw and and accept it. I'd let you march in the Gay Pride Parade right next to me.

Juju2bigdog

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 08:13 am Click here to edit this post

Thanks for the post, New. I was beginning to think somebody had fumigated the house this morning, and I was the only one who survived by breathing through my gills.

Speaking of gay pride parades, I bet New York has a pretty good one. I did not make it to the 2000 gay pride parade in san Francisco, but attended the year before. It was a pretty amazing experience. the first thing I noticed was how astonishingly many women there were that were as tall as me or even taller. Highly unusual that I encounter that. and then, they were all dressed to the nines, fancy clothes, evening outfits, feather boas. Oh. Duh! Heheh, maybe they could give me some fashion tips.

Dykes on bikes always starts the parade. although they may have changed the name to women's motorcycle corps last year. anyway, hundreds of lesbian couples riding motorcycles. a fine tradition.

What amazed me was the absolute number of organizations participating. there were some of everything. gay firefighters, gay garbage men, gay silicon valley workers, gay red cross, mothers of gay pianists, fathers of gay plumbers. Oh, and my favorite, one lone guy carrying a banner for the International Police Association, an organization of which I am a member. It was so wonderful. And everybody at the parade was so happy. It's not only okay to be gay, it's so okay they are throwing a parade to celebrate it.

I am always happy that there IS a san francisco, some place gay people can go to be themselves if they cannot be themselves at home. I spent a lot of time in san francisco out and about on the town. I used to go sightseeing on city buses. After you have been in san Francisco for a while, it is real easy to spot the gay tourists. they are the ones that are almost deliriously happy to be walking down the street holding hands with their partner in broad daylight in front of everybody. It is at once poignant, happy, and sad.

Newamush

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 08:26 am Click here to edit this post

Ju, I feel the same way about New York City. You can do anything and be anyone you want to be. As with San Francisco, many, many gay men and women flock here so they can be themselves.

Fortunately, that is spreading around the country and, although it's not ideal, more and more people are becoming comfortable with the gay community. Mostly because of media attention, of course. As we discussed above, the media can both help and hinder "the cause." Fighting for rights and acceptance has always been a tough battle over the years and I think our time is finally arriving.

Elitist

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 08:41 am Click here to edit this post

Newa - I assume you are calling me a little bugger in the American slang, not the British?

Just to spill my guts here a little (or maybe a lot) - some of the reason I am so inquisitive is that I was raised in the South in a very conservative Christian religion. I was raised among racism, chauvinism, and homophobia. This stuff sticks with you pretty deep, and it ain't pretty.

But I also have deep values that people are people and have battled my upbringing to become a more mature person. One of the ways I have tried to do this is discuss these types of issues with friends I have made. And though I have considered myself to be somewhat progressive, I keep getting slapped in the face by bigotries in myself I am blind to. For instance it took me years to even grasp the concept that a lot of my behaviour towards women was chauvinistic. But by talking to women about it, I have learned (Note - I do not claim to understand women) and hopefully have modified my behaviour.

The same with my black friends. Until I really dug deep into what they thought and experienced, I did not understand the depth and breadth of racism in America, and how it affects black Americans (and again there is no way I can fully understand).

But I do not have any gay friends or acquaintances, so I was hoping to take this opportunity to try to understand what it is like to be gay in a homophobic world.

I guess that is enough said.

Newamush

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 08:46 am Click here to edit this post

Elite

Thats' a great attitude to have. I definitely think prejudice is regional and it's nice to see that people are trying to break out of those roles and look at certain groups in more positive light.

I hope anything I've said has helped you.

Juju2bigdog

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 08:49 am Click here to edit this post

Kudos, elite. that is more progress than most folks make in a lifetime.

Elitist

Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 11:10 am Click here to edit this post

OK time for another PI question.

One of the things my "enlightenment" has made me aware of is the innate fear many women have of men, especially with respect to rape (is this a topic of its own or what?). Maybe fear is too strong a word, but from what I can tell there is always that knowledge in the back of a woman's mind that a man, whether he is friend or stranger, has the capability of overpowering her.

I guess the question now has two parts as I write it. Originally I wanted to ask New if violence from non-gays is a constant fear in the back of gay men's mind that they have to live with. But now I also want to ask is rape among gay men as much of a problem as it is among heterosexuals?

Juju2bigdog

Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 08:33 am Click here to edit this post

world famous gay and lesbian mardi gras is coming up in sydney in february. air New Zealand is doing specials on airfare. www.airnewzealand.com.

Newamush

Saturday, January 20, 2001 - 09:48 am Click here to edit this post

Apologies for the lateness in response, Elite, not ignoring you.

First, of course gay men think about the violence. Especially at time such as the Matthew Shepard incident. You do realize that there are people with •••••• up views in this country and are just mentally unstable enough to act in unpleasant way. I also, think it, as most views, tend to be geographical. I think it's safer in more urban, progressive areas than in smaller, uneducated towns. I would have no problem holding hands with my partners on the streets of New York, but would never think of it in Buttfuck, Indiana.

Second, I have to admit that I'm not very clear of what the statistics are for gay rape, but I have heard of only a few incidents. I think most gay rape is committed by closeted men who are ashamed of who they are. As in the heterosexual lifestyle, it's the strong over the weak.

I have to admit, it's tough being the "voice of the gay community." My views may not necessarily be the same as the rest of the community. What I say shouldn't be taken as "The Gay Bible." It's just my opinion from my experiences.