Saturday night at The Improv

The ClubHouse: The Game II - Mysterious Puzzler: Discussions/Challenges: Saturday night at The Improv

Ocean_Islands

Tuesday, January 30, 2001 - 04:08 am Click here to edit this post

BE MY GUEST

A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer were traveling from Chicago to Los Angeles when their car broke down late one night in Kansas. They walked to the nearest farm house and explained their situation to the farmer who answered the door.

"Ya'll be welcome to spend the night here if you want", the farmer said. "The only problem is I only have room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn." "I will," exclaimed the Jew, and with that the men went to retire. A short time later came a knock at the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry", the Jew said, "but I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a pig." "Then I will go sleep in the barn" exclaimed the Hindu, and once more the men went to retire. Soon there came another knock at the door. It was the Hindu.

"I am very sorry", the Hindu said, "but I cannot sleep in the barn either. There is a cow in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a cow."

"Oh, for gosh sakes!", the lawyer cried. I'll go sleep in the damn barn!" and once again the men went to retire. A few minutes later there came yet another knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig...

Guruchaz

Tuesday, January 30, 2001 - 01:27 pm Click here to edit this post

Do you know why the Post Office had to stop producing their new commemorative Improviser stamps?

Because people didn't know which side to spit on.

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What's the difference between an improviser and an Uzi?

An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

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What's the difference between a improviser and a savings bond?

A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

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How do you improve the aerodynamics of an improviser's car?

Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Juju2bigdog

Tuesday, January 30, 2001 - 03:35 pm Click here to edit this post

Juju2bigdog begs Hostess2 to come across with a translation as she did for us last time.



<Hostess2 reprises her Barbara Billingsley/Airplane-The Movie role. Juju2bigdog credits Lance for supplying the actress name PRIOR to the game>

Ocean_Islands

Thursday, February 01, 2001 - 04:22 am Click here to edit this post

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of shorts
made
from plastic wrap.


The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Guruchaz

Thursday, February 01, 2001 - 09:15 am Click here to edit this post

How did the improviser end up with a million dollars in his troupe's bank account?

He started with two million.

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Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole theater full of improvisers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

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An improviser arrives at the theater to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where the theater used to be. Chief of Police comes over to him and says, "Looks like the theater critic from the paper came by, killed your stage manager, and burned the place down."


Improviser says: "You're kidding! The theater critic came to our theater?"

Elitist

Thursday, February 01, 2001 - 09:47 am Click here to edit this post

Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. (For you MissL)

Q. What's the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?
A. The young prostitute uses KY jelly, the old one uses Poligrip.

Elitist

Thursday, February 01, 2001 - 10:03 am Click here to edit this post

Nehmen Sie meine Frau, bitte.

Ocean_Islands

Thursday, February 01, 2001 - 10:28 am Click here to edit this post

Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller

*Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.

*One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

*If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

*I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

*Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

*If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

*And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

*If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

*If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide ... is it considered a hostage situation?

*Is there another word for synonym?

*Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

*What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

*If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

*Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

*Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

*Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

*Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

*If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

*Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

*Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

*Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Guruchaz

Thursday, February 01, 2001 - 03:07 pm Click here to edit this post

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email.

(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

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IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

_______________________

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:

Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My sister went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Guruchaz

Thursday, February 01, 2001 - 11:15 pm Click here to edit this post

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."


Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"


Sighting #3: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.


Sighting #4: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. - - "I already got that side." <DOH!>

Ocean_Islands

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 04:57 am Click here to edit this post

The search continues today for a man who has been terrorising a nudist beach with a bacon slicer, one senior detective is said to be stable in hospital after he had a tip off yesterday.

Ocean_Islands

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 04:58 am Click here to edit this post

Police arrested two children yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Ocean_Islands

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 05:00 am Click here to edit this post

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." .

Ocean_Islands

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 05:03 am Click here to edit this post

A frog calls a psychic hotline and the psychic says, "You're going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "Will I meet her at a party?"

The psychic says, "No, next year...in biology class."

Ocean_Islands

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 05:04 am Click here to edit this post

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Ocean_Islands

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 06:42 pm Click here to edit this post

A man goes into a bar and shouts, " This place is the a*s!hole of the world."

The Bartender leans over and says: "Oh, just passing through, are you ? "

Juju2bigdog

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 07:09 pm Click here to edit this post

lol, took me a minute.

Ocean_Islands

Friday, February 02, 2001 - 07:23 pm Click here to edit this post

Did you hear about the Invisible man marrying the Invisible woman?

Their kids weren't much to look at either.

Ocean_Islands

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 04:57 am Click here to edit this post

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

Ocean_Islands

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 05:05 am Click here to edit this post

How many sensitive, caring, considerate, loving, faithful men does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.
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Why did God invent Adam before Eve?

To give him a chance to talk.

Azriel

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 06:14 am Click here to edit this post

LOL!! Those were funny, OI. :)

Guruchaz

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 09:22 am Click here to edit this post

An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing. He explored but found nothing other than some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality.

When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

"There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she sad. "Where do you live?"

The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?"

"No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke."

"I have a still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they satdown on her couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"

Ocean_Islands

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 09:33 am Click here to edit this post

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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How does a man exercise on the beach?

Sucks his stomach in every time a bikini walks past!

Guruchaz

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 09:43 am Click here to edit this post

TEXAS CHAPSTICK

A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum.

As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?"

The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips."

The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure.

The cowboy said, "Nope. But it sure keeps me from licking my lips!"

Guruchaz

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 09:45 am Click here to edit this post

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you friggin' jackass!"

Guruchaz

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 09:52 am Click here to edit this post

An usher at a movie theater notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theater. He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat. The customer just moans and rolls his eyes. The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police. Once again the customer just moans and rolls his eyes. The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat.

"What's wrong with you?" they ask.

The customer just moans and rolls his eyes.

The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?"

The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

Ocean_Islands

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 10:17 am Click here to edit this post

What's the difference between E.T. and a man?

E.T. remembered to phone home.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Ocean_Islands

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 10:24 am Click here to edit this post

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accidents:

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

Ocean_Islands

Saturday, February 03, 2001 - 10:29 am Click here to edit this post

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?

Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Guruchaz

Wednesday, February 07, 2001 - 02:37 pm Click here to edit this post

A man walks in a bar and gives the bartender a two dollar bill and asks for a shot of his best whiskey. The bartender looks at him and notices the guy is carrying a large stuffed dog under his left arm and a pair of women's panty hose in his right hand. Before the bartender can ask a single question, the man jumps up out of his seat and makes a mad dash for the door.

Guruchaz

Wednesday, February 07, 2001 - 02:40 pm Click here to edit this post

Two ducks were swimming in a pond when a fish comes up and says, "I haven't seen you two here before. Did you just move into the area?"

One of the ducks whispers something into the other duck's ear and all of a sudden they turn around and swim off.

Guruchaz

Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 09:47 am Click here to edit this post

Ok, I may get in trouble for this but my sis sent this to me and I'm passing it on:

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

(ouch)

Merlin

Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 03:20 pm Click here to edit this post

Since you started it guru, here is one my sister sent me.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field.

Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything in its place. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"