Archive through January 26, 2001
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Archive through January 26, 2001
Moondance | Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - 08:31 pm  I wish I had something to share but I haven't had any dealings with adoption... Both of you have opened my eyes and heart...Thank you! |
Lancecrossfire | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 02:03 am  Adoption--my story. I found out in 1994--a bit after my dad died. I was 39. My sister was really plowed one evening when I was visiting for a few days. She told me that my father (the one that died) really isn't my father. My sister is 10 years older than I am, and she said that mom kicked him out when I was two. My mom had my sister at the age of 16. (I knew that). Anyway, she said that my mom erased all existence of my real father many years ago--I never even knew about him, let alone is name. She showed me a old 45 record she had with where her name had been; Sharon Bailey. She had scratched it off, and it said Sharon Kyrula. seems my biological father's name was Steven (Stephonovich) Kyrula. He raped by sister when she was 12, and my mom promptly booted him, and erased all evidence of his existence. She married when I was very young, and just never mentioned my biological father--ever. Even the birth certificate I have used all my life says my adopted father's name--and I have no idea how she swung that one! Later that year I asked mom about him, and she said she would not discuss him, and to drop it--to never bring it up again. The subject hasn't come up with my mom or my sister since. |
Willi | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 06:21 am  Wow Lance. That's rough...The not ever talking about it part...This I know! My brother didn't find out he was adopted until he was in his later twenties. They never told him. They said that they always thought they'd "get around to it" but never did. When my brothers first son became ill as a young child, they panicked (thinking he'd need something from a blood relative) and told him. His son was fine but my brothers world was completely rocked. It's taken a long time for him to get where he is now. I know. Twiggy: Thanks for sharing that. I know my brothers curiosity has gotten the better of him. I was very honest with him about what kind of person his biological father is. I wanted to protect him but the choice was always his to make contact or not. He hasn't. Well, except for the time my sister & were both having surgery and all family members were in a special waiting area...He walked by. My husband saw him. No one else did. So he atleast got a visual. |
Resortgirl | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 06:52 am  I was also given up for adoption as an infant. My Birth mother was 16 and in the early 60's you just didn't keep babies if you weren't married. My adoptive parents always told me I was adopted for as long as I can remember (which I believe is the only way to go) I think they did there best to raise me but I was the black sheep of the family, never quite fitting in. They eventually had a child of their own and I guess I always felt that I just didn't measure up. My adoptive mother had Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder as I was growing up and she was constantly cleaning and disinfecting everything I would touch (led me to believe I was dirty and unlovable) Anyway, it wasn't the fairy tale childhood that I later found out was promised to my birth mother by the adoption agency... and I realize none of us are guaranteed with that. I had always wanted to find my birth mother I guess in a way hoping that maybe she would really love me... I put it off until I was 33 years old. It was relatively easy.. I contacted the adoption agency, paid them a fee and went on a waiting list. About 6 months past, I made it to the top of the list and after a couple of phone calls they found her. I was ecstatic! We wrote letters at first and then met in person after about a month. It was wonderful. She never had other children but my biolgical father had three, so I have two sisters and a brother.One of the sisters is only three months younger then me... he must of been a busy boy tht summer. He married the other woman (girl) he got pregnant and is still married to her. That relationship is somewhat tense, I don't think his wife is thrilled to have me around so I keep my distance and let him set the pace for our relationship. My birth mother and I have a stormy relationship. She has alot of problems, drinking being one of them and so I have kind of seperated myself from her a bit. It's hard, I feel like I have two mothers and neither one is there for me. But I would definitly do it all over again. It has answered so many unknowns for me, It's made me a stronger person, made me realize that no one is perfect (she was in my fantasies as a child) and made me learn how important forgiveness is. I used to think that I got a bum deal with my adoptive parents but now I realize they did their best, there's a level of disfunction in all families. Whew! That's the longest post I've ever written. Thanks for listening! |
Wink | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 07:24 am  I am so very touched by all your stories. I applaud your courage in sharing such painful, intimate details of your lives. Such an eye opener about how the human spirit and will can fight to overcome so much pain, sometimes with forgiveness and sometimes by just letting go. |
Kady99 | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 08:35 am  I am also touched by everyone's stories. It takes alot for someone to open up like all of you have. I feel so much closer to everyone now. I almost want to do one of those {{{hug}}} things. Thank you all for sharing. |
Norwican | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 10:35 am  Thank you for the sharing Willi, Twiggyish, Lance, Resortgirl... very moving  |
Willi | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 12:09 pm  Resortgirl, Thanks for sharing that. I feel like I'm getting to know a lot of you so much better since The Game started...Thats a real plus |
Resortgirl | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 03:33 pm  thanks for saying that Willi, sometimes I am kind of scared to write to the board, I guess I feel that I open myself up to critism, but that would give me a thicker skin which would be a good thing. I really enjoy sharing my experience and insights and I love reading everyone elses. There are a lot of bright people on this board. |
Lancecrossfire | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 03:37 pm  Resortgirl, I for one, enjoy your posts very much, and hope you can become more comfortable sharing your thoughts. I hope to see you more frequently! |
Soeur | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 03:47 pm  It is a priviledge to read these posts. There is a lot that we can teach and learn from each other and is why I think this place is so special. |
Resortgirl | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 03:49 pm  Thanks Lance, I enjoy yours immensely too. It took me about 4 months of lurking to get comfortable with the idea! And I am sorry that you are not able to discuss your "father" with your mom. It will be hard to have closure on the issue, but you are such a wise and compassionate man I am sure you will make it through this in great shape! |
Lancecrossfire | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 04:54 pm  It's not something that has caused me any grief. Seems that before he left(I was 2 when he left) I was a target for attention in a very different way than my sister. I didn't originally mention that as it wasn't the deciding factor for my mom having him leave. However hearing the way he was (none of which I remember) I am comfortable with how my dad raised me. He was the one that provided a roof over my head, along with my mom (they both worked). That is where my heart lies. I can't blame my mom for her not willing to discuss it. There are so many other topics to discuss that I haven't found it a problem. If it bothers anyone I don't have any stronger feelings to get to know my biological father, or know more about him, all I can say is that it's how I feel, and I'm sorry of you think it's cold of me. |
Moondance | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 05:05 pm  My spirit is so much fuller just knowing you... Willi, Twiggy, Joni, Lance and of course Resortgirl... Thank you so much for sharing yourself and your stories |
Moondance | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 05:17 pm  Okay, I was not adopted but when I look at my family sometimes I think I am I thought I would share since everyone has been so open and I appreciate that... Late Last night I received a phone call from my estranged brother... He is 36, so completely charming, looks like Tom Cruise and very intelligent, yet he chooses to drink his life away ... he has cut my Mom off so I feel obligated to stay somewhat in touch so Mom knows he is all right but I now sit at this computer and want to write my memoirs on the game instead of the most painful letter I must write my brother... He is an abusive alcoholic,in the last year he has lost his job, his family and his wife .... and the only thing I have left to do is to write a letter to let him go... Even though we were never close, I was the last bit of family left that speaks to him but I am a believer that I cannot help him anymore and until he hits rock bottom, he will not help himself... Sorry to ramble, just keep him in your thoughts or say a quick prayer for him...now I have to go write that letter |
Lancecrossfire | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 05:21 pm  Moon, so very sorry that it got to that point to begin with--sorry for how it must have affected two families. I hope he soon figures out that he must ask for help. |
Resortgirl | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 05:54 pm  Moon, My heart goes out to you. As you know I have a similar situation with my birth mom. It is so hard to watch someone you love self destruct and there is nothing you can do. For what it is worth I think you are making the right decision, letting him go for the time being. As long as he has you as a safety net of some kind he probably won't hit "rock bottom" Unfortunatly from what I can tell, "rock bottom" is different for everyone. Some lose there job and family, some there life. I'm afraid in my moms case it may be the latter. I hope that is not the case with your brother. I am sending all my good thoughts and prayers to you Moon. You have helped me so in the past, maybe in a small way I can return the favor. Jane |
Moondance | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 06:39 pm  Done... Thanks Lance for the kind words ResortGirl... You helped tremendously! You have shared with me over the past couple of months and it help to give me strength to hit that send button! You also articulated my exact feelings in your post... So I thank you Now it is not in my hands so all I can have is faith... I worry about my Mom but she seems to be all right with it too ... maybe deep down, we know this was the right and only thing to do... for Ric |
Soeur | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 06:43 pm  He is lucky to have you for a sister. |
Wink | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 06:56 pm  Moon  |
Moondance | Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 07:13 pm  Thanks Wink and Sis... I feel lucky to have you guys as my poster family! Does that mean we have a poster child? |
Willi | Friday, January 26, 2001 - 05:07 am  Moon, My thoughts & prayers are with you & your mom & brother. I know how much havoc a family member (in my case, members) can wreak on ones life. I definitely think its important to know when to "let go." Of course, you'd always be there for him when/if he decides to straighten his life out. You deserve your happiness & peace of mind. (I'll stop now). Lance, My brother feels the way you do about not getting to know his biological father...I totally & completely respect & honor his decision and don't think him "cold" for it...Or you |
Leap | Friday, January 26, 2001 - 09:18 am  {{{{Moon}}}} |
Resortgirl | Friday, January 26, 2001 - 10:02 am  Lance, I definitely don't think you are cold hearted. I HAVE found my Mom, and now have had to cut her out of my life. I feel like the one who is cold. Particularly because she picked up and moved to be closer to me and my family. After seeing her in action, close up- I realized that this relationship was turning very toxic to me and have had to step back. I will not cut her out completely because I still have hope that there is something there to salvage but we do not have a "mother-daughter" relationship. Right now, not even a friendship. This has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. Yearning for a Mother for 33 years, finding one and having it turn out like this. Crap, there I go whining again. Oops... sorry! Anyway Lance, you made the right decision for yourself and don't let anyone make you second guess it. OK? |
Norwican | Friday, January 26, 2001 - 12:14 pm  Moon, I just wanted to let you know that I also had a similar situation with someone very, very close to me. It is a heart-breaking decision to cut a person loose to see if they sink or swim. In my case it worked... he has turned his life around... but he did have to sink in order to learn to swim. I hope my good outcome can give you some hope with your brother. You and your family are in my prayers. |
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