Alone or Lonely??
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Alone or Lonely??
Katie | Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 06:59 pm  Roger and Moon are discussing the meaning of alone and lonely and I thought it might be fun to discuss out here too. To me they are very different things. I can be in a relationship and but be alone and be content being by myself to read a book,listen to music or go to a movie or do something by myself sometimes. I don't feel lonely but I am alone. I enjoy time alone sometimes just as I enjoy time with others. I have been married and in the same house or even same room and felt lonely. It is possible to be with people and feel very lonely if you aren't with someone who understands you or cares to understand you they don't see you as important. I would rather be alone and happy alone then with someone and lonely. I am lucky I can have both. |
Merlin | Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 08:47 pm  Katie I think this is a good topic. I agree with what you are saying. How would someone understand you, or show that they care to understand you? If this significant other person in your life is not aware of how to do this, is the result left to mean that they do not see you as being important? |
Katie | Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 09:40 pm  I think the most important thing a person can do is listen with an open mind. Don't go into a conversation with a person with your mind already made up but willing to listen to another persons thoughts. I think that if a person cares, they would listen without being told to out of respect. When they are listening, you would hope the other person would be willing to talk openly but respectfully and to listen in return. If someone doesn't respect or care enough about the person I would think they didn't consider them important to them or important at all. |
Merlin | Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 11:05 pm  That makes sense to me. What I have discovered for myself is that human beings have the tendency to develop an "already, always" way of listening. What I say to you is "always" heard in the way that you know me. When you listen to what I am saying, what you hear is heard because you are "already" listening in a particular way because of your experience with me. For example,there have been times I find myself doing that "already, always" listening to people who post on this board. I do not "know" anyone here. I do not "have my mind already made up" about any of the people posting. What I do realize is that my listening is not very open when this happens. If this occurs with strangers, I have to think it only gets worse with someone I have a lot of history with. How would someone talk openly (share my true thoughts and feelings?) but respectfully (not hurt someone's feelings?) Where does the line get drawn between "openly and respectfully" |
Lafatme | Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 11:37 pm  i'll never forget the "lonliest moment of my life" it took place as my wife and i were sitting on the sofa together, watcthing television. she is now my ex-wife. |
Resortgirl | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 06:58 am  Laf, I was going to write a post about that when I read the subject of this and then I saw yours. I had the exact same experience with my ex. I was alone a lot because he traveled and I was fine with that. I had two great kids to keep my company. When he was home though it was a different story. He would verbally abuse me and intimidate me (calling me fat,ugly and stupid... I weighed 120 pounds at the time) and I remember one night sitting on the couch with him watching TV and this wave of total loneliness hit me. I was as lonely as I had ever been in my life and my "partner" was right there. Within a month of that revelation we were separated. I was 27 years old and felt like I would have no joy or anything to look forward to in my life if I stayed in that 'dead" marriage. I've get a wonderful life now! |
Wcv63 | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 07:54 am  I think when you're married for a long time that there will be times when you're lonely even when your s/o is in the same room with you. But then again, I only have my own experience to go on. I think it has to do with emotional connection. Sometimes, for no apparent reason (or for a stupid insignificant petty reason), an emotional distance descends upon the relationship. So far, we've always managed to reconnect. |
Katie | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 11:40 am  I think it is also possible to be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely or be alone and feel fine. I think a lot of it also has to do with what is going on inside of you. Some people don't know who or what they are and are always looking for someone to make them happy, entertain them or take care of them instead of looking to themselves. I think people need to be secure in themselves. A relationship should be frosting on the cake. If you are in a relationship, it should be one that brings out the best in you. I was married and those years were the loneliest time of my life. I loved him very much but he totally ignored me unless he was being cruel to me. I would be with him and feel lonelier then when I was alone. That made no sense to me but it was happening. It was so strange because I started to look forward to his trips out of town or leaving for work or whatever and regret his return. When he was there I could be sitting and talking with him and when I was done saying something he would turn to me and say 'did you say something' then later he would complain that I never told him anything. He didn't ever look at me when were talking but would look at the TV or a paper or magazine or whatever. To me this is a sign of disrespect. To me it a matter of attitude. I guess to me a person should try to listen with their entire mind. Now I know that we all have lives and such and can't give anyone all of our attention but to me we should give the people we come in contact with an honest effort. For people we care about and care about us, we need to make sure we set some time aside on a regular basis where we give them our undivided attention where we listen with our entire mind and heart. I don't think it is necessarily quantity time that is necessary but quality time. I would rather have 10 minutes of my guy's undivided attention once a day where we talk about real issues important to us then 2 hours of not really listening. We can sit and talk for an hour and then I can be content to do what I need to do or read or watch TV while he does what he needs to do. It is because he has paid attention to me while I paid attention to him and we have talked and we have connected and I still feel that connection. I think that connection is what is important. If you can still connected even when you aren't talking with them then it isn't necessary to actually be with them or talking with them. |
Resortgirl | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 02:36 pm  Katie, I agree with all you've said. I am now in a relationship..12 years strong... that allows me to be who I am. We hold hands in bed before falling asleep, we take vacations together without the kids, we go for drives in the woods. but, most importantly we listen and hear what each other has to say. We connect every day. We are both very busy, we own two businesses, have 7 children between us, but we take time for each other. And I feel happy when he is playing with the kids in one room and I'm curled up with a book in an other. Respect and love and caring are the key to our success. And undivided attention when the time calls for it. |
Riviere76 | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 06:09 pm  This is one sweet thread! I practice CHIRP. In marriage, Communication, Honesty, Integrity, Respect, Patience.. I get so tired of people claimimg marriage is a 50-50 deal when truly it is a 100% effort from all sides. Thank you! |
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