Archive through October 15, 2000
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Archive through October 15, 2000
Moondance | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 10:03 am  Guy goes to see the doctor because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a Witch that he thinks might be able to help. The Witch takes a look at the problem ... yikes! and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try he thinks and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!" The guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey this is great, he thinks-let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch-the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" The frog yells back, "Look-how many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!" |
Vykin | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 12:46 pm  Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea, it plainly marques four my revue, miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word, and weight for it two say, weather eye am wrong oar write, it shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long, and eye can put the error rite, its rare lea ever wrong. Eye halve run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no, its letter perfect awl the weigh, my chequer tolled me sew. |
Himay10ns | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 12:51 pm  Why don't witches wear panties?? So they can keep a tighter grip on their broom!! |
Moondance | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 12:59 pm  May...LOL |
Moondance | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 01:03 pm  Three guys are in a bar: an Aggie, a guy from California, and a guy from Austin. They drink and get a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Aggie grabs a bottle of tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle in the air. He then jerks out a Colt .45 pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody. The patrons at the bar shout, "Hey bud, why'd you waste that tequila?" The Aggie says, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Aggies go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want." Not to be outdone, the Californian whips out a corkscrew and uncorks a bottle of wine. He pours a little bit into a glass, swirls it in the glass, sniffs, comments on the tart, insolent piquance of its bouquet, sips, tosses the bottle in the air, nicks it with a round from a silly little chrome- plated pistol, and showers a couple of patrons at the bar with wine. The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, express their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replies, "Well, I'm from the Napa valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from." The Austinite, up to this point a quiet observer, touches the crystal hanging from his neck, checks out his tattoo, flips back his ponytail, and puts down his guitar. He pops the top off his bottle of Shiner beer, hammers it back, throws the empty bottle into the air, pulls out a 9mm Beretta, takes careful aim, shoots both the Californian and the Aggie,and catches the falling bottle. The patrons scream, "Why did you do that!?!" The Austinite replies, "I'm from Austin. We've got too many Aggies and WAY too many Californians, but glass bottles, now -- THOSE can be recycled!" (Brother from Austin ) |
Moondance | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 01:10 pm  Rejected Dr. Seuss Books: One B*tch, Two B*tch, Dead B*tch, You B*tch Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Who Shat in the Hat? Horton Hires a Ho The Flesh-Eating Lorax How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Your Colon Can Moo - Can You? Zippy the Rabid Gerbil Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out! Are You My Proctologist? My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket Aunts in My Pants I can be bad... |
Himay10ns | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 03:17 pm  A woman goes into a store looking for a birthday gift for her husband. She says to the store clerk, "What do you get for a man that has everything?". The clerk says, "Well, I have this frog that gives blowj*bs." She says, "Great! I'll take it!" The woman takes the frog home. She gives the frog to her husband, wishes him a happy birthday and heads off to bed. Hours later she wakes up and hears her husband and the frog laughing in the kitchen. She walks downstairs and finds them laughing and reading a cookbook. She says, "What in the world are you doing?" Her husband looks at her and says, "Hey, if I can teach this frog how to cook, you're outta here b*tch!"  |
Himay10ns | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 06:27 pm  My cousin just sent me this in an email: Top Ten Times in history when saying F*CK was appropriate: 10) "What the f*ck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima 9) "Where did all these f*cking Indians come from?" - Custer 8) "Any f*cking idiot could understand that! " - Einstein 7) "It does SO f*cking look like her!" - Picasso 6) "How the f*ck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras 5) "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo 4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f*cking rain ?" - Joan of Arc 3) "Scattered f*cking showers... my a$$!" - Noah 2) "I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head!" - J.F.K. And the number one most appropriate use of the "F" word.... 1) "Who the f*ck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton |
Roger_Ramjet | Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 08:42 pm  Ok, mental image joke time. I think you will know what I maen after I'm done. How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?? You pick him up and give him a blow job! I warned you earlier! |
Himay10ns | Thursday, October 12, 2000 - 06:31 pm  Roger, just wanted you to know that your dog joke was a hit at work today!! |
Himay10ns | Thursday, October 12, 2000 - 06:32 pm  Here's another one that's short and sweet... How do you get a nun pregnant?? You f*ck her! |
Roger_Ramjet | Thursday, October 12, 2000 - 06:42 pm  May--thanks. Funny nun joke too-and true! Ok, to stay with my weird and strange sense of humor. Here is a joke that some people love and some people just get this blank look on their face . This guy comes home form work one day. He steps up on his porch to open the front door. He sees a slug, and kicks it off the porch into the bushes, then goes inside. Three years later, he hears a knock on the door, opens it up, and the slug is there...he says to the man, "hey what was that for?" |
Moondance | Friday, October 13, 2000 - 09:20 pm  50 Ways to Scare People in the Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week" 50. Two words: Tesla Coil. |
Vykin | Friday, October 13, 2000 - 09:39 pm  Moon roflmao my fav: 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. I also like the one 34? about attempting to eat your computer mouse |
Moondance | Friday, October 13, 2000 - 10:00 pm  My Cats do the same thing! |
Roger_Ramjet | Friday, October 13, 2000 - 11:25 pm  A man has his long time pet dog die. After a couple of months, he is again interested in having a pet, although he dicides he wants something different. Only he doesn't know what) He does to the pert store to just look around and see if anyting strikes a comfortable chord. The pet store clerk suggests he get a centopede that they have. The man looks at him like he's carzy, and the guy says, "no really, we have this pet centipede, and he's really great. I promise you will like him, or you can bring him back for a full refund." The man thinks to himself, "what the hell, I can't go wrong money wise, and I have wanted a unique pet--and a centipede qualifies as unique!" He gets the centipede home, and the evening progresses normally. He goes to bed, gets up, and gets ready for work. Talking to himself, he sas, "I really need to clean up the litchen--I've neglecxted it for a couple of days. Looks like I have a project for this evening." He gets home from work, and the kitchen is spotless! The dishes are done, the counters clean, the silverware drawr strightened--the whole nine yards!! He says to himself, "wow, I wonder who did this!! Someone broke in to clean my kitchen???" The centripede yells from the floor, "hey you, I did it all today!" The guy says" Shit, a talking centipede--and you couldn't have done all this today!" The centipede says, "Well if I didn't, who did?" The guys scratches his head, as the centipede has a good point! The next moring, the man asks the centipede if he would be willing to clean the livingroom? The centipede says he will have no trouble doing that. Sure enough when the man gets home fromwork, the living room is clean! Everything you can imagine in a living room, the centipded cleaned. The man gets him allsorts of goodies to eat, and the watch TV together. The man thinks the centipede is the greatest pet he's ever had! That Saturday, the man is doing yard work most of the day. He gets done, goes inside, and askes the centipede if he is able to get beer and chips at the store around the block. The centipede indicates that is no problem, so the man gives him a 20, and the centipede goes out of the door. The man sits and watches some TV, and after about 45 minutes, begins to get worried..waht if something has happened to his pet centipede?? He decides to give him another 1/2 hour. After 1/2 hour goes by, and the centipede isn't back yet, the man is really worried, as he likes his pet centipede, and what if someone took the 20 and hurt him?? He walks out of the house to go see what happened, and notices the centpede is still on the porch, with nothing from the store. The man says to the centiped, "have you been to the store already?" The centipede looks up at him, says, "Hell no, and get off my back--I'm still putting my shoes on!!!" |
Roger_Ramjet | Saturday, October 14, 2000 - 03:47 pm  Ok, not all of my joke are sick and disgusting...I still haven't said all of those. Why did the elephant stand on the marshmellow? So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. |
Roger_Ramjet | Saturday, October 14, 2000 - 03:55 pm  What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?? Walk him, and pitch to the rhino. |
Roger_Ramjet | Saturday, October 14, 2000 - 03:57 pm  One of my favorites--maybe because it's sick. What's the differrence between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?? The taste. |
Zebulon | Saturday, October 14, 2000 - 05:58 pm  Now for one of my favorites: What to you get when you cross a wicket with a bean pole? Spaghetti-On-A-Stick |
Himay10ns | Saturday, October 14, 2000 - 06:56 pm  Ok, I've had a few drinks so I can post this joke! OK, get ready for the sound effect joke. Why do women douche? Because they can't train their p*ssy's to <sound of hocking a loogie>. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! |
Roger_Ramjet | Sunday, October 15, 2000 - 12:50 am  Ok, now I don't have to worry about mine...well maybe a little. Great mental image joke!!!! |
Vykin | Sunday, October 15, 2000 - 09:25 am  HIMay ROFLMAO, what a way to start my morning! |
Zebulon | Sunday, October 15, 2000 - 09:42 am  The following is an actual question given on a Texas A&M University engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues and you now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well... Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Shawna Pierce during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." The student received the only "A" given. |
Zebulon | Sunday, October 15, 2000 - 09:51 am  A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blonde replies ........... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde! |
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