Xenia's Padded Cell ***KEEP OUT...OR ELSE***

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Xenia

Monday, October 16, 2000 - 08:29 pm Click here to edit this post
I am so totally going to lose my mind. I need to have a place where I can come to and get away from that circus out there.

Why am I still here? Someone is punishing me.

Imagine matte black walls, a mattress on the floor and strings of Christmas lights on the ceiling. Every wall is lined with bookshelves.

I need to spend time here or I will lose my mind and go postal (with words).

Calm.

Focus.

Think of something that will make me laugh, make me happy...

I've got it.

"The women's restrooms, as usual, were the worst. Many of the women, apparently, simply left their used sanitary napkins on the floor in the stalls, and the sight of them, although familiar, was disturbing, especially with a hangover. The men's restrooms were somewhat cleaner but then men didn't use sanitary napkins. At least 1 was alone when 1 worked. 1 wasn't too good a mopper; often a wad of hair or a crushed cigarette butt would remain conspicuously in one of the corners. I'd leave it there. 1 was conscientious with the ass-wipe and the paper seat covers, however: I could understand that. Nothing is worse than to finish a good shit, then reach over and find the toilet paper container empty. Even the most horrible human being on earth deserves to wipe his ass. Sometimes 1 have reached over and there's no paper and then when you reach for a toilet seat cover they're suddenly out of those too. You stand up and look down and yours has just fallen into the water. After that you have few alternatives. The one 1 find most satisfying is to wipe your ass with your shorts, dump them in there too, flush, and clog the toilet."

-Charles Bukowski
From the novel "Factotum" page 152
Published by Black Sparrow Press 1995.

That line:

"Even the most horrible human being on earth deserves to wipe his ass."

...is the most brilliant thing ever written.

I LOVE HIM!!! Why did he have to die before I could interview him? WHY????

Focus.

Focus.

Focus.

Vykin

Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 06:29 am Click here to edit this post
(vykin steps in quitely and leaves a glass of orange juice for Xenia this morning)

Xenia

Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 10:33 am Click here to edit this post
Ahhh...Giblets is being a sweetie pie!!! Thanks Giblets. :)

I remember reading this Sydney Sheldon novel. I think it was called "If Tomorrow Never Comes". The lead character had to spent some time in jail. While she was in jail, she was put in solitary confinement for a bit. She would do tai chi and mental exercises to keep her mind alert.

This is going to me my mental tai chi: once and for or all, I am going to memorize Hemingway's Nobel Prize acceptance speech:

***

Members of the Swedish Academy, Ladies and Gentlemen:

Having no facility for speech-making and no command of oratory nor any domination of rhetoric, I wish to thank the administrators of the generosity of Alfred Nobel for this prize.

No writer who knows the great writers who did not receive the prize can accept it other than with humility. There is no need to list these writers. Everyone here may make his own list according to his knowledge and his conscience.

It would be impossible for me to ask the Ambassador of my country to read a speech in which a writer said all of the things which are in his heart. Things may not be immediately discernible in what a man writes, and in this sometimes he is fortunate; but eventually they are quite clear and by these and the degree of alchemy that he possesses he will endure or be forgotten.

Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for writers palliate the writer's loneliness but I doubt if they improve his writing. He grows in public stature as he sheds his loneliness and often his work deteriorates. For he does his work alone and if he is a good enough writer he must face eternity, or the lack of it, each day.

For a true writer each book should be a new beginning where he tries again for something that is beyond attainment. He should always try for something that has never been done or that others have tried and failed. Then sometimes, with great luck, he will succeed.

How simple the writing of literature would be if it were only necessary to write in another way what has been well written. It is because we have had such great writers in the past that a writer is driven far out past where he can go, out to where no one can help him.

I have spoken too long for a writer. A writer should write what he has to say and not speak it. Again I thank you.

***

"A writer should write what he has to say and not speak it."

That one statement will forever make me shiver.

I have this speech on tape. I copied it from a cassette I found at the library. But I have to admit, Hemingway's writing gets me excited, certain photos of him have me convinced he was the most handsome guy who ever lived, but his voice SUCKED. I would NOT have been fingering myself while having a conversation on the phone with him!!!

I'm not sure if it was the voice or the accent, but which ever it was, it really didn't suit him or his persona.

The speech above was borrowed from this awesome E.H site:

http://www.timelesshemingway.com/

Xenia

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 03:04 am Click here to edit this post
Ten DELICIOUS words to snack on while I stare up at the ceiling and think:

didactic \dye-DAK-tik\ (adjective)
1 a : designed or intended to teach b : intended to convey instruction and information as well as pleasure and entertainment
*2 : making moral observations

calumny \KA-lum-nee\ (noun)
*1 : a misrepresentation intended to blacken another's reputation
2 : the act of uttering false charges or misrepresentations maliciously calculated to damage another's reputation

tourbillion \tur-BILL-yuhn\ (noun)
1 : whirlwind
*2 : a vortex especially of a whirlwind or whirlpool

metier \MEH-tyay\ (noun)
: vocation, trade; also : an area of activity in which one excels
: forte

senescence \sih-NEH-sehns\ (noun)
*1 : the state of being old : the process of becoming old
2 : the growth phase in a plant or plant part (as a leaf)from full maturity to death

adventitious \ad-ven-TIH-shuhs\ (adjective)
*1 : coming from another source and not inherent or innate
2 : arising or occurring sporadically or in other than the usual location

fulgent \FUL-jint\ (adjective)
: dazzlingly bright : radiant

lavation \lay-VAY-shun\ (noun)
: the act or an instance of washing or cleansing

hypnagogic \hip-nuh-GAH-jik or
hip-nuh-GOH jik\ (adjective)
: of, relating to, or associated with the drowsiness preceding sleep

And my favorite word in the English language:

Main Entry: glaze
Pronunciation: 'glAz
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): glazed; glaz·ing
Etymology: Middle English glasen, from glas glass
Date: 14th century
transitive senses
1 : to furnish or fit with glass
2 a : to coat with or as if with a glaze <the storm glazed trees with ice> b : to apply a glaze to <glaze doughnuts>
3 : to give a smooth glossy surface to
intransitive senses
1 : to become glazed or glassy <my eyes glazed over>
2 : to form a glaze
- glaz·er noun

The first nine words are courtesy of the Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day Mailing List.

Info for the word "glaze" courtesy of:
http://www.m-w.com/

Vykin

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 06:25 am Click here to edit this post
(vykin pops in see's Xenia fallen asleep, face down in one of her many dictionaries around her computer, tip toes quietly, leaves a bowl of Wheaties, brown toast with 2 pats of butter, milk, and fresh squeezed orange juice)
Thinks to self: hmm looks like the Xenster had a late nite, grabs a blanket and throws it over her, seeing as the padded cells have poor heat circulation. Vyks picks up timelesshemingway for some reading.

Xenia

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 02:46 am Click here to edit this post
Ahhh...that so generous of Giblets!!!

Xenia

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 02:53 am Click here to edit this post
So, it has come down to this:

Write something or lose your mind.

*** *** ***

Tepid blood is drizzling down the tip of my left index finger and flowing toward the palm of my hand. Like my quest for intense passion, I fiercely clutch the white handle of a paring knife and I realize for the first time where my loyalties lie.

I would never bleed for anyone.

My childhood bed had once been as soft as a cloud of baby powder. Tonight I felt how the endlessness of disappointment had turned it into a slab of stone.

A man I barely know is sleeping on it now. Earlier tonight I was drawn to the brashness of his hunter's scent. His hungry whispers evoked my savage touches. At first I scraped at the shield that protects his heart as I moaned while fire jetted through my arched back. Then I dug my fingernails into his back muscles wanting to steal any love his soul may be concealing. I discovered quickly there was nothing for me to take.

And now I stand barefoot in my kitchen, a room constructed of stainless-steel logic, and I find solace in the orange rectangle of cheddar cheese standing at attention on the cutting board in front of me. The chill from the refrigerated brick lingers upward and cools my chest.

Positioned like a spotlight, a full moon gleams through the exposed window pane. I can see the gentle curves of the solid mass I count on to make me feel better.

The pieces I had cut before the knife sliced my finger are obediently waiting to please me. Heavy with comfort and memories, I know they will bring me the rapture I am yearning for.

I would never bleed for anyone, but I would for cheddar cheese.

Vykin

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 06:20 am Click here to edit this post
(quietly I slip a note under neath the door of the padded cell) Xenia: no food for you today, you were a bad bad girl yesterday, Vykin needs psychiatric confinement, couldn't take the stress of your nomination. Turned into a werewolf and howled all nite long.

Zebulon

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 09:21 pm Click here to edit this post
<throws in a chunk of raw meat>

Vykin

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 09:59 pm Click here to edit this post
ROFLMAOing BIG TIME, can't laugh quietly,
Zeb, was it beef or pork?

Zebulon

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:09 pm Click here to edit this post
I couldn't tell. It disappeared before it hit the ground.

Xenia

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:09 pm Click here to edit this post
Would you guys get the hell out!!! Go explore each other's bodies in the hot tub or something.

Giblets: I thought about you while I was in Canadian Tire today.

Xenia

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:15 pm Click here to edit this post
Zeb: I know how much you want to hit me. I can tell you have an anger problem. I beg of you, please get some help. Please. Your anger could get out of control and you may take someone's life one day. Do something before that day comes. Taking your anger out on me will not solve your problem. I plead with you, get some help.

Zebulon

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:16 pm Click here to edit this post
Really? Were you trying to inflate one with your mouth?

Zebulon

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:17 pm Click here to edit this post
Xenia, don't be such a drama queen. You have no idea who I am. You don't take time from your ranting to find out.

Xenia

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:22 pm Click here to edit this post
Zeb: Stop this anger. You're starting to really scare me. Please don't take your rage against me out on an innocent woman. That is what I most fear--that when you're away from your computer you find an unsuspecting woman to hurt. I will call the police, Zeb. If you continue to let this get out of hand, for the safety of all women, I will call the police.

Please stop verbally abusing me. Please leave this thread.

Zebulon

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:26 pm Click here to edit this post
<the curtain falls as the crowd cheers>

oops...no crowd

Xenia

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:42 pm Click here to edit this post
Thank you. I appreciate that you can take a step back from your rage to consider my feelings and respect my boundaries. You truly do frighten me and when you attack me I feel vulnerable and unsafe (even if it is just on the Web). I hope one day you can embrace you anger and your pain and come to terms with it. I have a feeling there's a loving person deep inside of you. But the monster who hates women and wants them all to suffer keeps the loving Zeb at bay. Please get help. PLEASE.

Zebulon

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:51 pm Click here to edit this post
Xenia,

Suzanne and I still keep in touch. I doubt that would happen if I was the person you said I was. Get help yourself.

I'm over you.

Vykin

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 11:14 pm Click here to edit this post
(slips another note,: Xenia, I knew eventually I would infiltrate your real life! Canadian Tire, the locals in my area call it: Czechoslovakian Tire) p.s. I didn't know you are living in my country - how did you sneak by immigration?)

Zebulon

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 11:24 pm Click here to edit this post
I guess they don't search livestock trucks.

Xenia

Friday, October 20, 2000 - 12:48 am Click here to edit this post
I asked you to please stop verbally abusing me Zeb. Do you always push yourself upon women like you're doing with me? Have you ever been arrested for sexual assault as well? I can imagine how physical abuse and such rage can turn into something even more hostile. I can only just imagien how many lives you have ruined because of your issues.

Xenia

Friday, October 20, 2000 - 12:49 am Click here to edit this post
*** *** *** *** ***

Xenia

Friday, October 20, 2000 - 01:02 am Click here to edit this post
Thanks to Zeb and Giblets the sanctity of this room has been broken. Before I shut the door forever, I want to quote from the book "A Course In Miracles":

Lesson 293: All fear is past and only love is here.

All fear is past, because its source is gone, and all its thoughts gone with it. Love remains the only present state, whose Source is here forever and forever. Can the world seem bright and clear and safe and welcoming, with all my past mistakes oppressing it, and showing me distorted forms of fear? Yet in the present love is obvious, and its effects apparent. All the world shines in reflection of its holy light, and 1 perceive a world forgiven at last.

Father, let not Your holy world escape my sight today. Nor let my ears be deaf to all the hymns of gratitude the world is singing underneath the sounds of fear. There is a real world which the present holds safe from all past mistakes. And I would see only this world before my eyes today.

Xenia

Friday, October 20, 2000 - 01:02 am Click here to edit this post
The door has now been shut.

Vykin

Friday, October 20, 2000 - 07:10 am Click here to edit this post
Whoa Xenster what do you mean the door is now shut??? You finally hit on a subject I'm familiar with I did the Course in Miracles, could have filled up our time in lockup with many quotes. But then again, I'm sure I'll see you here building another padded cell by the time the day is over.

Zebulon

Friday, October 20, 2000 - 09:48 am Click here to edit this post
**locks the door with Xenia inside** Whew! **tosses key in trash** I've done my good deed for the millennium.