Domestic Abuse - Resurrected from the Archives

The ClubHouse: The Game - Play Room: General Discussions: Domestic Abuse - Resurrected from the Archives

Luke

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 10:46 pm Click here to edit this post
Well, this will probably be the hardest post to write, but I know I should write something regarding this topic, especially since it hits home so much with me. I am not posting this because people in the chat rooms have been saying that I need to open myself more, but because if there is even one, just one person out there that can relate to what I’m saying, and can benefit, even in the least, then it’s worth resurrecting these memories that I would much rather leave in the back of my mind along with the bad nightmares and lonely moments that I’ve experienced.

I was in an abusive relationship for 4 ½ years. Yes, physically abusive. How long was the physical abuse going on? It started about 8 months into the relationship. So yes, I put up with my lover beating me for almost 4 years. It amazes me to hear that some people continue to say, “Oh—I never thought that domestic violence also happens to gay or lesbian couples”… That’s the biggest load of bullshit that I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Of course it happens. It happens to couples of the same sex, whether they are two males or two females. It happens to straight couples both with the husband as the abuser, and with the wife as the abuser as well.

How did it start? Well, it started with a very harmless slap… I mean, after all, we’re both guys… that’s what I used to think… but it gradually got worse and worse… I forgave him time after time, and he also seemed to get better at asking for forgiveness—time after time… I could even start to tell the warning signals. We’d have bad arguments that would last for hours. They’d escalate to a point where I’d see that look in his eyes—that look… and I knew what was coming next. He used to say, “I hit you because it’s the only way to shut you up.” We would be making love, and when he undressed me, he’d see the bruises that he himself caused. Once my back and chest was riddled with purple bruises—and still he was able to have sex with me. It had become increasingly impossible for me to be intimate with him, physically or emotionally. Once, I was hurt so bad, I had to go to the hospital emergency room. They notified the police, and what did I do? I even refused to give them his name because he was in the process of getting his immigration status approved by the INS, and I didn’t want to jeopardize his case by giving him a police record. So I kept quiet, and I didn’t report him. And guess what—the violence continued. It took me 4 years to realize my self-worth was much, much greater than what this guy was giving me. 4 years to be able to get enough courage in me to leave him.

Okay… the big question. Why did I put up with it? Why did I continue to stay with him? Well, that’s a complicated question. First of all, I was of that same stupid mindset that I had mentioned earlier. “I’m in a gay relationship,” I thought. If this guy is beating up on me, I should be able to defend myself. But I couldn’t. He had complete control over me. Or better, I let him have complete control over me. Physical, mental, economical, you name it… he controlled it.

And then, true to the Catholic upbringing I have had, I used to think, “Well, I’m gay. That’s already a no-no by the Church. If I’m going to be leading a gay lifestyle, I should at least try and model myself after the heterosexual model and remain true to my spouse, violence and all. Because Jesus himself states in the Gospel that a man shall not divorce his wife.” So I thought I had to stick it through and grin and bear it… F*ck that! That was so wrong! It was a stupid ideal that I tried to live up to, and it took too long to realize that.

And then of course, it was how I thought about myself. It’s never easy to admit that you had low self-esteem—whether you still feel that way, or whether you felt like that in the past. Well, I had low self-esteem. I didn’t think there were other fish in the sea. I thought this was the best I could ever get. I used to think—“Hey, Luke, you should be glad you found a guy… you know, living a gay life and finding a compatible gay partner isn’t going to be easy… the majority of the world is straight you know! Better hold on to what you’ve got!” But you know what, I can say now that I was wrong. I’ve found better since him, and I know I’ll continue to find many, many more men that are better than him—men that will treat me with love and respect. But that was a long road to travel. Especially when you feel as if you’re alone, and have to come to that realization by yourself.

I don’t know how to explain the feeling when you’re in an abusive relationship. You feel alone. You feel as if nobody will understand your situation. People—don’t believe that! Everyone—whether gay or straight, black or white, checkered or striped—everyone deserves to be treated with respect, both physically and emotionally. It doesn’t matter how much you argue, how much you talk on the telephone, how late dinner is, or whatever stupid reason. Domestic violence is real. And it is always, ALWAYS wrong. But above all, don’t ever forget—you’re not alone.

And to all of you who may suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship—talk to your friend. Let them know that you’re there for help. Now, in all honesty, there were some lessons that I just had to learn myself. Sure, I had some good friends that were telling me from early on to leave my abusive partner—and I did I listen to them? NOOOOOOO!!! Some things people just have to experience themselves—like getting to the point where they finally see that they are worth so much more than having to put up with the shit of an unhealthy, abusive partner. I know that no matter how much my friends would talk to me, there were some things that I had to learn for myself.

Again, I hope all of you see that this post comes from my heart… This isn’t easy to write. I’ve since left my abusive partner, changed my direction in life, and built up a world and a circle of friends that I truly am proud of. I don’t like resurrecting these feelings for any simple reason. But I see that people are posting on these boards, and therefore I know that at least one or two people will read this. And if you know someone that is in an abusive relationship, pass this on to them. They are not alone. You are not alone.

Moondance

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 11:13 pm Click here to edit this post
Pretty Intense Luke. I am so happy you got out of it and are better for it ... very tough lesson to learn. I am sure you felt like you were on a never ending cycle. Kudos for your strength and your courage. I am sorry for your pain.

I guess I have let this bury it's self deep inside of me but I think with your bravery and my questioning of some of the reactions I have had about some of the BG's hostile behavior it has come to light.

I was in an abusive relationship with a man that was of all things a police officer. It got physical a couple of times but the core of the abuse came from his verbal attacks... Guess that is why I was so sensitive to some things that were said earlier in the Game.

I am sure you can relate to this Luke ... the red flags! I heard myself say, oh he was so wonderful for the first 3 months but in truth, the warning signs were every where. Thank goodness we are keen to them now.

By the end of the relationship, I was convinced I was the most worthless piece of trash. I was beaten down mentally. Words do hurt ... the can do so much damage.

Somehow I was able to see the light ... in fact it was Super bowl night and he came home from a party... I was not to go because I was not attractive enough (according to him) I just looked at him and said it was over ... it was so liberating. It was getting my power back but of course this isn't all right to someone who has had control for 2 years. He didn't want to let that go. He stalked and harassed me for a year and a half after that. Internal affairs was a joke ... it's a big boy club and I didn't have a membership. There was so much that went down.

It was a long recovery to get myself back. I was acquaintance raped 3 months after the break up. It was devastating but now I look at that as a big blessing. Sounds strange but that is where my life turned completely around. I took control of my life, my body, my destiny.

You are right, Luke, sometimes it is a process a person has to go through to learn that lesson. Many friends did try to warn me and intervene.
Wow, I just purged! Thanks for listening and thank you Luke for giving me the courage to talk about it

Vykin

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 11:27 pm Click here to edit this post
I am speechless! Luke, Moon did it feel good to "write" it down? This is.....You know, i just don't know what to say! Except consider this from the deepest recesses of my heart, my thanx to both of you for sharing such a painful moment from your pasts - and that is the good thing - it is in the past. The Prez is shedding another tear.

Roger_Ramjet

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 11:33 pm Click here to edit this post
I too would like to thank both of you for sharing what you went through, and just as valuable, the thoughts and feelings you experienced during, after, and now. So much to learn from just two people.

The antics my ex did were nothing compared to this. If anything says something of the human spirit, it's the fact that after going through these kinds of things, you can still finf it within yourself to love and trust someone else.

The two of you are remarkable people!!

Moondance

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 11:51 pm Click here to edit this post
Thanks you guys... very much, Now I am crying:)

I am such a better person for it and Luke... well he such a remarkable Man that he has taken the lesson and has run with it. It was his courage that gave me the permission to talk about. I thank him for that.

Roger_Ramjet

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 11:55 pm Click here to edit this post
Moon, we owe Luke a thanks for his courage---and we owe you thanks for your courage as well--for his alone could not make you speak of this....there is courage within you that had to be called upon. Give yourself credit--you deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!

Luke, you are pretty amazing for being able to bring this back to life.