What if your partner cheated on you?
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What if your partner cheated on you?
Xenia | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 05:41 am  I talked to a woman, 39, a few nights ago who had two strokes at age 28. She was sure they were brought on by her husband's ongoing physical abuse. She said this to me: “I would rather have a baseball bat, a tire iron or anything else taken to my body than have my man cheat on me. I can handle the physical pain, but I couldn't handle the mental pain. My husband used to beat me, but he never ran around on me.” Have you been with someone who cheated on you? What would you do if you found out someone you were with was cheating? It seems to be a huge fear for many people. I haven't been through this experience, thank God. I used to think I'd probably kill a guy if he cheated, but the notion of spending years in jail doesn't appeal to me. Instead, I would make his life a living hell in subtle ways until that got old. Then I'd probably go on a shopping binge and then seek out a therapist. |
Himay10ns | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 07:49 am  <here come my guts> Let's see, this thread takes me back to 1992 when I met a wonderful man named "Tom". <name has been changed to protect the guilty> Tom and I had a wonderful two year relationship and I was just sure it would lead to marriage. We worked together, played together, went to church together. I loved his family and he loved mine. It was PERFECT.....or so I thought. In November of 1994, he began acting strange. He would take trips home on the weekend and he wouldn't invite me to come with him. Occasionally, I would notice a strange car in his driveway. When I questioned him on these incidences, he would just tap dance around the issue. He kept telling me he needed time alone to think about "our" future. He said that he had been visiting with his pastor on the weekends he went home without me. Said he was discussing our relationship and where we were headed. Well, I didn't have any reason to suspect he was seeing someone else, so I assumed he was discussing our future and marriage. One Sunday night, we had tickets to see Envogue and Luther Vandross in concert. He was supposed to pick me up at 6:30 and we were driving to Birmingham for the concert. He had been "home" over the weekend but assured me he would be back in time and we would go to the concert. Well, he never showed. I was distraught. I finally reached him by telephone around midnight and he just said that something had come up at home and he was sorry we missed the concert. Well, by then, I suspected there was another woman back home. So, I got in my car the next morning and drove to his home town to meet with his pastor (I had met him on a number of occasions before, so he knew me). I told him that I knew "Tom" had been meeting with him and that I knew he could not talk about the things that they had discussed but that I wanted to know what I could be doing to help our relationship move to the next level. He let me go on for about an hour and finally looked at me and said, "I haven't seen "Tom" in months". I was devastated. He had been lying to me the entire time. I drove to his mother's office and told her what had happened. We were both sobbing. We went to dinner and had a few glasses of wine. She wouldn't let me drive back home because I was so upset and I'd been drinking so I spent the night in "Tom's" room at his mother's house. The next day, I got up early and drove home and confronted "Tom". I slid his pastor's business card across my desk and told him that I had been to see him. He still wouldn't confess. Told me "that was his story and he was sticking to it." <bad country song> Anyway, to wrap this up. I soon discovered he was seeing "Sally". I was crazed. I lost 40 pounds in 4 months and was on sleeping pills, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I was SICK! Had it not been for my friends, my family and my faith, I would have never made it through. He is now married to "Sally" and they have two children. He was my one true love and it took me over two years to get beyond the devastation. I still love him and think about him often. We have since become friends again, but we never discuss the past and he does not talk about his wife and children to me. I think he still feels guilty about what happened. Sorry about the long story. It brings tears to my eyes to revisit this part of my life. But alas, it's made me who I am today. Much stronger and more aware of how much I "give" in a relationship. I'm not so quick to put all my cards on the table. There is a barrier to my heart and it's going to take a very special man to break down that wall. Hence the reason I am 36 and never married. I pray that one day, I will be blessed with an honest man that loves me unconditionally. Thank you for allowing me the time to share this story. |
Xenia | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 08:16 am  And thank you for sharing it. It is truly amazing how you got through that mess. I'm sitting here shaking my head for two reasons, first because I can't imagine how much strength you had to muster up to get passed this situation to the point of becoming friends with this guy again. The second reason is because it is just ODD how destiny has a way of twisting things to create what is meant to be. And what seems like was meant to be was "Tom" and "Sally" bringing children into the world and you getting the opportunity to find someone much better for you. |
Himay10ns | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 08:22 am  Xenia...you are so right. And the tears flow again... |
Moondance | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 10:24 am  I love girl bonding It helps when we share like this because I think we can see a little part of ourselves in each other and can be inspired by others strengths... Thanks May for opening up on this and of course Thank you Xenia for asking another important question I will post on this soon! |
Vykin | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 10:38 am  My partner would never do it |
Luke | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 10:42 am  Vykin... I don't think anyone... not even someone who's been married monogomously for over 50 years could ever say that his/her partner would never do it. I only say this because the friends that I have who swear that their partners are 100% faithful are the same friends who crash and burn the worst once they find out that they were wrong. But for the sake of the discussion... do you know what you would do if HYPOTHETICALLY your partner were to be unfaithful? (I'll be posting mine soon as well...) |
Vykin | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 01:31 pm  Luke I know mine hasn't and wouldn't |
Zebulon | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 01:35 pm  I've never cheated or been cheated on, but who would really know anyway...unless it was a repetitive occurrance? As for how I would handle it, I don't speculate on things like that. If it was to happen, I know I wouldn't pull a gun out or start beating the girl. That's stupid. We would need to get together and communicate and find out what the honest problem is and go from there. |
Zebulon | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 01:36 pm  The question I want to know is: What keeps two people together when one or the other continuously physically abuses them? |
Himay10ns | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 03:13 pm  Zeb, I have to hand it to you. Nice to know you've been spared the hurt and devastation. You're lucky! |
Vykin | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 03:28 pm  Zebulon weakness not wanting to admit failure. (They don't realize they aren't failures, but their minds don't think clearly) A false hope and dream that, "this will pass, things will change, things will get better" False illusions |
Himay10ns | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 03:36 pm  Zeb, I can give you my point of view as a woman. From what I've seen in the last 15 years of my experience in healthcare...many women have a strong desire to PLEASE their man and they will do that at any expense. Women tend to blame themselves when things aren't going right in a relationship....somehow feeling as if it is their fault. So they think they deserve the abuse. They also believe that they can make it right and that the abuse will eventually stop. As Vyk said, false illusions! |
Arreal | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 03:39 pm  I mentioned in a different thread that my husband had cheated on me. I forgave him almost immediately. The trust took much longer to build. We communicated about it a great deal in those first few weeks after I found out. I think had the circumstances differred, and he had cheated on me with a woman, things would have been very different. I haven't mentioned that I'm on my third marraige, but I am. My second marriage ended in an annulment, even after 5 years of marriage. Although it didn't end because of another woman, I still felt as though he was having an affair of the heart. His affair did involve staying away from home, drinking and hanging out with his buddies from work. We quit talking and communicating. We existed like this for almost 2 years. It was one of the most painful times in my life. I am willing to explain more if anyone wants, and thinks it fits with the topic. |
Zebulon | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 03:46 pm  I'm very sorry about your past, Arreal. What's important is to look to the future. The past is the past. All one can do is learn from it. I'm sure we'd all love to hear more if you are willing to share more and feel good about doing so. I welcome any learning experiences.  |
Moondance | Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 03:50 pm  I have learned never to say never Hard to say what I would do because I have never been in that situation, knowingly. If I was & were to find out hopefully I would be able to forgive...It would take some soul searching and it depends on the circumstances but for my own sake I would hope that forgiveness would be a must ... carrying around that toxic energy hurts yourself more than the other person involved! |
Roger_Ramjet | Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 06:00 pm  Well, two situations for me on this one...if my partner tells me, or if my partner doesn't tell me. If I were to get into a relationship, I'd be telling my partner that if ever cheated, I would tell her---and of she did, I would want the same from her If she doesn't tell me (and I find out/confirm), the results are more likely to result from a monologue. That means a high chance of saying it's over. By not telling me, she would be poroviding me a lie...holding back information to deceive. If she comes to me on her own, we sit down and talk--probably talk a heck of a lot. She does most f the talking, I do most of the listening. Would want to find out what I had done (if anything) to cause her to want to seek that eslewhere. I'd ask what she had done or experienced that caused her to want to do that. I'd ask about feelings on her part. I don't care who it was, because I don't have to live with them--I would her. I believe I could forgive, under certain conditions. I would have to be able to talk to her about it once in awhile, in the event I had any additional questions. I wouldn't throw it in her face if we stayed together. If it was do to serious feelings for the oter person, I would want her to pick--if she picked him, then go to him. I won't "fight" for her to stay--I would want to her why she felt she should get to stay. By now it's obvious trust is big with me---this is one of the trusts in a relationship for me....just for me. I would state upfront that this was an expectation I had for her, and myself as well. I admit to believing in fidelity.(and living it) |
Vykin | Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:24 pm  On the Lighter Side: I was in Vancouver for some meetings, shared the room with an associate. (Education related meetings). There were 2 associations, which major conflicts were occuring with. Both associations had boards with school board reps. Both groups were staying in separate hotels about 5 miles apart. I was invited to a dinner with the "meeting of the two groups", I didn't go. My associate did and related to me after what happened. At a point in the dinner Len frm one board says, he's walking back to his hotel, he is tired. About an hour later the rest of the group dispersed, one group coming back to hotel I'm at. there are 5 of them. They are coming up the elevator in good spirits. The president of my association, female was among the group, along with 2 other females, and 1 other man. The pres. is newly elected, the others in the group of board of directors. One of them says, "Hey liz we're gonna go to your room for a nitecap", Liz doesn't respond one way or the other. They were a determined bunch and got off on Liz's floor. They get to her room, walk in. Bed is closer to the door, then a sitting lr area. THERE IN BED IS LEN, STARK NAKED. The group is in shock, don't know what to do, they say "Hi Len" and go to sitting area. Liz doesn't say a word. Some says, "Len, how'd you end up here???" He responds, that he needed to see the president about something (her room was on a separate floor), he stopped by Liz's room and the door was not totally closed. Well, bullshit story as it is, because for one thing, the hotel is the one Clinton stayed at for one of his G7 Summits, and when u walk out of a room, door closes automatically for protection. So anyways, this group of folks, couldn't just leave, they had to sit and have a drink, before they could leave in appropriate way. (they were all conservative people also - speechless at times). My associate comes back to the room, laughing hysterically and stumbling into this previously "secret" affair. It was a good laugh. (both len and liz were married but not to each other obviously. I have attended countless conferences, and its true what they say, Affairs are rampant. |
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