Archive through October 21, 2000

The ClubHouse: The Game - Play Room: General Discussions: The Improv: Archive through October 21, 2000

Luke

Sunday, October 15, 2000 - 10:29 pm Click here to edit this post
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready?) ... this is a beauty ...


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Moondance

Monday, October 16, 2000 - 01:18 pm Click here to edit this post
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can takeoff immediately there after.

The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot's uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's runway. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plan is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

Moondance

Monday, October 16, 2000 - 01:22 pm Click here to edit this post
Dear God,

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.

The president (maybe Vykin!) thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read:

"Dear God,
Thank you for sending me the money!
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards taxed it by 95 percent!"

Roger_Ramjet

Monday, October 16, 2000 - 01:35 pm Click here to edit this post
How are women's breasts and model trains alike??


Both are meant for little kids, although it's usually the fathers that play with them.

Luke

Monday, October 16, 2000 - 03:23 pm Click here to edit this post
Here´s a great aid for stress management--try this soothing imagery!

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.


You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.


There now...feeling better??

Luke

Monday, October 16, 2000 - 04:11 pm Click here to edit this post
This has got to be one of the funniest stories I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help Line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."

Vykin

Monday, October 16, 2000 - 04:42 pm Click here to edit this post
Luke roflmao good one ( i thought he might be a theif stealing the computer, but the punch line was better.!

Roger_Ramjet

Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 03:17 am Click here to edit this post
A diet:

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast dry
8 oz skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 oreo cookie

Mid afternoon snack:
rest of oreos in package
2 pints rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread w/ cheese
large sausage, mushroom & cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large putcher beer
3 milky way candy bars

Late evening snack:
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

Rules of diet:

1.If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda
3.When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4.Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6.Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the total entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.
7.Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8.Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9.Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: chocolate is a universal color and may substituted for any other color.

Moondance

Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 12:47 pm Click here to edit this post
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about
current cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and say, "kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her
thigh up to the small of her back.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks
slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick maneuver, but
I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Luke

Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 01:00 pm Click here to edit this post
LOL!!!! Moon---I laughed so loud at that one that people at their desks next to me are staring at me right now with a weird look on their faces!!!!

Himay10ns

Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 02:02 pm Click here to edit this post
Moon, hilarious!! I can remember when Vanessa Williams was pictured in Playboy back in the early 80's. She was licking another woman's behind. I think there was some comment about the "Hiney Lick" manuever at that time....too funny!

Luke

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 10:38 am Click here to edit this post
This proves that women are cold blooded.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Moondance

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 10:39 am Click here to edit this post
Ancient Chinese Proverbs...

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Vykin

Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 12:07 am Click here to edit this post
CANADIAN CONTENT:
Okay time for a Canadian Joke:
A Canadian Classic:

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says,"Hey
Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking real beer, neither would I.
For
I AM CANADIAN

(for u americans who don't get it, Molsons Beer in Canada like the above mentioned other companies has a huge, popular advertising campaign which now carries the catch prhase:
"I Am Canadian"
(All hell you guys probably still don't get it, I'm gonna copy and paste and email it to Neil, he's Canadian, he'll get it.)

Moondance

Friday, October 20, 2000 - 02:18 pm Click here to edit this post
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Roger_Ramjet

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 01:46 am Click here to edit this post
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."

A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for
this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished
letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct
answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Roger_Ramjet

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 04:37 pm Click here to edit this post
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures allurily to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues slyly, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Moondance

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 04:46 pm Click here to edit this post
"Worst Pick-Up Lines"

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go f*ck.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

Excuse me, do you wanna f*ck, or should I apologize.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter -- I stick to the roof of your mouth.

Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Roger_Ramjet

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 05:00 pm Click here to edit this post
For all the coffee drinkers in her and out there..

YOU KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN:
· You answer the door before people knock.
· Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
· You ski uphill.
· You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
· You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
· You lick your coffeepot clean.
· You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
· Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
· You chew on other people's fingernails.
· Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
· You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
· You can jump-start your car without cables.
· Cocaine is a downer.
· All your kids are named "Joe".
· You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
· Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
· You don't sweat, you percolate.
· You buy ½ & ½ by the barrel.
· You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
· You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
· You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
· You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
· Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
· You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
· People get dizzy just watching you.
· You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
· The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
· Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
· Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
· Instant coffee takes too long.
· When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
· You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
· Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
· You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
· You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
· You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
· You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
· You short out motion detectors.
· You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
· Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
· You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
· You don't tan, you roast.
· You can't even remember your second cup.
· You help your dog chase its tail.

Vykin

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 05:40 pm Click here to edit this post
ROFLMAO on all of the above. I don't come to this folder often enough!

Moondance

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 07:29 pm Click here to edit this post
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the mental health institute...

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no-one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9
.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Vykin

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 08:03 pm Click here to edit this post
Okay Roger, I pick
I can outlast the energizer bunny

Okay Moon, I want to be the voice that says:
Hello welcome to the mental health hotline

Vykin

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 08:05 pm Click here to edit this post
But those are my choices. I wonder which ones some of our other house guests would choose!!!!

Roger_Ramjet

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 08:43 pm Click here to edit this post
Aquarius: You have an inventive and progressive mind. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless or impractical causing you to make mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

Pisces: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influences over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.

Aires: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

Taurus: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn liar and communist.

Gemini: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always, putting things off. That's why you'll always be on welfare and never be worth a shit.

Leo: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.

Virgo: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to our friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgo's make good bus drivers or pimps.

Libra: You are the artistic type and have a difficult, time with reality. If you are a man, you are most likely to be a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores, all Libra's die of venereal disease.

Scorpio: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-b!tch.

Sagittarius: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority if Sagittarians are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting f*ucked.

Capricorn: You are conservative and afraid to take risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they will tend to attract the f&cking flies.

Roger_Ramjet

Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 08:48 pm Click here to edit this post
btw, no offense intended at oneone or anything---I copied this from something very old that I had stuck away. It's a parody, damn it!