Topic # 11 - Forgive and Forget

The ClubHouse: The Game - Play Room: General Discussions: Topic # 11 - Forgive and Forget
There's a lot of talk "on the outside" about possible past communications between some BGs and outsiders. You got a taste of some of that talk during the chat session the other day.

It brings to mind some questions we've been pondering. And, as usual, when we are pondering a question, we expect you to get involved,too! :)

Please discuss your opinions on the questions listed below. As usual, you are free to bring additional questions to the discussion as well.
  1. When someone hurts or betrays you, what does it take for them to make amends?
  2. Are there some offenses that are unforgivable? If so, what do you think they are?
  3. Do you hold any grudges? If so, tell us what they are and why you hang onto them.
  4. Is there a way to forgive and yet not forget? How about forget, but not forgive? Please explain.
  5. When you return to the main boards, there might be people who bear grudges against you for actions real or imagined. How will you handle that?
  6. Have you ever faced a situation where you simply could not forgive the actions of another? Has someone else felt that way about you? How did you handle it?

Vykin

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 07:53 pm Click here to edit this post
When someone hurts or betrays you, what does it take for them to make amends?

Acknowledging that they slandered me unfairly because of their own dislike for another person.

Are there some offenses that are unforgivable? If so, what do you think they are?

Revealing something about another human being without giving them the chance to speak for themselves first, when it will cause a negative reaction.

Do you hold any grudges? If so, tell us what they are and why you hang onto them.
I don't hold grudges, I pity the person for their lack of foresight before they do something hurtful.

Is there a way to forgive and yet not forget? How about forget, but not forgive? Please explain.

I forgive a person for their vindictive actions but I don't forget, I choose not to hold them as my friends because if they did it once, they will do it again. This time it may be to someone else, but next time it could be to me. They lose my trust of them and moreso, my respect for them.

When you return to the main boards, there might be people who bear grudges against you for actions real or imagined. How will you handle that?

All I have to say is "If you can't take the heat -then stay out of the kitchen", Personally I can take the heat, I don't run and hide from it. I face it head to head. Running from a situation only shows signs of a weak person. I am not weak.
No matter how "sour" the music is.

Have you ever faced a situation where you simply could not forgive the actions of another? Has someone else felt that way about you? How did you handle it?

I am straightforward in my life, specially when I see an injustice being done to another human being for devious, vindictive, jealous and personal reasons. I don't mince words. Yes, I have faced a situation where a person revealed an extraordinary confidence. By doing so, they damaged a lot of people's lives unnecessarily. That person, initially conned a number of others into his "den", the victim (not myself) was falsely damaged by the event. Eventually those who initially believed the "Hater" came around to their senses and tried to make amendsto the victim for their role, (especially after they themselves experience a betrayal from the same person) but it was too late. Too much damaged to other peoples lives had occured.

I have also seen a friend falsely accuse both parents of child sexual molestation. Long story, but it was truly a case of absolute false accusation. Ten years ago. The parents were told they are "dead" to 3 of their children. One child didn't agree with his siblings. The parents, have rebuilt their lives, but the pain is still there. The 3 of 4 children who accused their parents remain separated, but have suffered deep psychological depressions and stress. But its too late now.

Final Thought: Again we are discussioning inadvertently what happened in this game. Everything I say above applies.

My own very personal feeling on why conflict happened in TheGame. I went back to all the original posts to help me respond to Gators questions frm chat. It hit me when I read the post Arreal made sharing her emails btwn Host and herself. I couldn't quite understand why Arreal was so obsessively intent on revealing Tali's identity. Here's what I concluded:

It seems Arreal really wanted to be a Mole, and practically begged the Host to allow her to be the Mole. The Host responded and said they decided against a Mole. When the game began and Arreal found out Tali was in the game on behalf of the Host, I believe Arreal became heatedly jealous that in fact the Host had picked Tali instead of Arreal. It festered within Arreal, she became obsessively jealous and that is why she outted Tali the way she did. Arreal has previously said during BBFC that she and Tali had some conflicts. All I can say to my "haters" who are aligned against me with Arreal. I can live with the fact that you may banish me. But I hope for all of you that Arreal doesn't in the future do to you what she has done to Tali and Myself.
And....even weaving Roger in to do her dirty work for her by asking Host questions about me.

Vykin

Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 08:00 pm Click here to edit this post
Has someone else felt that way about you?

In my real life? Never. I normally have a lot of patiences. If someone does something so outrageous and wrong. I get angered because of the misjustice. I fight back. But I have all my facts in place before I do. Even my worst adversaries in my life, have come up to me at some time later apologizing. Those who haven't weren't worth it.

Roger_Ramjet

Friday, October 27, 2000 - 01:11 am Click here to edit this post
This is a great thread! Love the ideas posed to us.


1. When someone hurts or betrays you, what does it take for them to make amends?

First, believing the affect their action(s) had. Second, a genuine concern for correcting things. ASfter that, it's on me.

2. Are there some offenses that are unforgivable? If so, what do you think they are?

Unforgivable to me. That means I don't have the capactity at that time to let it go. Abuse of other humans, especially kids; animal abuse; hate crimes fo just being different.

3. Do you hold any grudges? If so, tell us what they are and why you hang onto them.

None at this time.

4. Is there a way to forgive and yet not forget? How about forget, but not forgive? Please explain.

I can forgive and not forget. Anything worthy of needing "forgiving" will always remain with me, this I remember. I don't see how I could not forgive someone, yet forget what they did. The memory of not being able to forgive them would keep the action(s) alive in my mind.

5. When you return to the main boards, there might be people who bear grudges against you for actions real or imagined. How will you handle that?

First I would want to have a discussion with that person or people. I would want to hear what they felt happened or waht they experienced from teir perspective. I would want the chance to let them know the same from my siide. If we coudn't come to an agreement, I would offer a heart felt apology, and see if they were able to forgive me at some point.

6. Have you ever faced a situation where you simply could not forgive the actions of another? Has someone else felt that way about you? How did you handle it?

Yes, there has been theformer situation...I'm not aware the latter has occurrence--if it has, I have not been told.

I handled it by not interacting with that person any more---there was a trust issue I could not overcome. There was a "hurt" issue I couldn't overcome, although I take most of the responsibility for feling so hurt. I let their actions and words get into me---I ended up letting them have that type of affect.


I can take a pretty intense intercation as the person represents that they wish to deal with an issue, then stay to that issue and not make it personal. They can get amazing things done!

Moondance

Friday, October 27, 2000 - 11:25 am Click here to edit this post
1. When someone hurts or betrays you, what does it take for them to make amends?
Just to be sincerely sorry for what happened and to be respectful and make a different choice if the situation comes up again... I would want to offer the same if I had done something to them.
There is a saying ... not sure exactly how it goes.
Fool me once, maybe a mistake
Fool me twice, you are the fool
Fool me 3 times, I'm the fool

2. Are there some offenses that are unforgivable? If so, what do you think they are?
Abuse to a defensive soul ... children and animals.

3. Do you hold any grudges? If so, tell us what they are and why you hang onto them.
I like to say I don't hold grudges but who knows what life will throw at you ... so far though I have none to hold.

4. Is there a way to forgive and yet not forget? How about forget, but not forgive? Please explain.
I find it difficult to forget and easier to forgive. I think I have to remind myself or remember what the past regressions were so it is not repeated and able to protect myself

5. When you return to the main boards, there might be people who bear grudges against you for actions real or imagined. How will you handle that?
I guess that is their grudge. Sometimes no matter what you do, someone is going to disagree or not like you but I feel I have handled myself with integrity so that is all that counts.

6. Have you ever faced a situation where you simply could not forgive the actions of another? Has someone else felt that way about you? How did you handle it?
I have had the opportunity to forgive everything in my life ... sometimes it rears it's ugly head and reminds me but if you don't forgive, you give your power over to that person or situation. Wasted energy. I have been faced with Cancer and depression. Both are illness that stress and internal struggles are large factors. Trust me, sometimes forgiveness doesn't come easy but there is a choice to make... Forgive and be healthy & happy or not and suffer the pain of life.
I hope if someone has not been able to forgive me for something they would let me know so we could remedy the situation but none that I am aware of.

Himay10ns

Friday, October 27, 2000 - 01:42 pm Click here to edit this post
When someone hurts or betrays you, what does it take for them to make amends?
I think that the first thing that needs to happen is the passing of time. Time to heal from the hurt and betrayal. Once time has passed, I will accept a genuine, heart-felt apology.

Are there some offenses that are unforgivable? If so, what do you think they are? I can only speak from my experience, but I have not found anything in my lifetime that was unforgivable.

Do you hold any grudges? If so, tell us what they are and why you hang onto them. I would like to be able to say "NO" to this question, but in reviewing these questions, I remember that I am currently holding a grudge against a former co-worker. About two years ago, I was working in Hospital Administration as a physician recruiter and I absolutely loved my job. I worked long hard hours and I was very successful in what I was doing. I had recruited over 50 physicians for my company and my salary had more than tripled in 7 years. I'll call this chick "Sally". Sally was also doing the same job but worked out of the corporate office. I think she saw that I was running circles around her so she started a witch hunt. She sabotaged my work and criticized my every move. She took all the fun out of my job and I felt I was constantly defending every move I made. She stole my confidence. Or worse, I allowed her to steal my confidence. I walked away from 7 years with that company, before I even had a new job. I went through a short interview process and obtained the job that I currently hold. I am in a much better place now, making more money than I ever dreamed. All in all, it was a positive experience, but I still hold a grudge against "Sally" and her backstabbing sabotage. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I have allowed her to "get to me". When you allow someone to get to you, THEY WIN. They have accomplished what they set out to do and that is ruin another human being. This has just helped me realize that by holding this grudge, she has gotten the better of me. So, from this day forward, "Sally" doesn't exist! Thank Goodness!! I feel renewed!!

Is there a way to forgive and yet not forget? How about forget, but not forgive? Please explain.
I think I can forgive in any circumstance. For me, I will always be able to forget the transgressOR but it is important to remember the transgressION to help you better handle the same transgression in the future, or prevent it from happening again altogether.

When you return to the main boards, there might be people who bear grudges against you for actions real or imagined. How will you handle that? If someone holds a grudge against me, it's just like I said above, they are the ones that have the problem. They've allowed me to "get to them". After I apologize, there isn't much I can say or do to get them to drop the grudge. They have to work through it and deal with it in their own time. And they make the choice as to when and if they will drop the grudge.

Have you ever faced a situation where you simply could not forgive the actions of another? Has someone else felt that way about you? How did you handle it? I can't say that there is anyone in my life that I haven't forgiven. But the shoe has been on the other foot for me. I once hurt a college sorority sister with some very insensitive words. I apologized to her but she did not feel my apology was genuine and she chose not to forgive me. I graduated from college knowing that she hated me. About 10 years ago, I was reading a book by James Dobson that talked about forgiveness. It quoted a scripture from Matthew that said something to this effect: (paraphrase) If you go the altar knowing your brother has something against you, first go be reconciled to your brother and then bring your gifts to the altar. I read that passage and immediately thought of my old sorority sister. I knew I needed to speak to her. I had no idea where she lived so I called my sororities home office and got her address. I wrote her a long letter explaining how I had come to know the Lord and that I was truly sorry for hurting her in college. She wrote me back and said that she had also been born again and she had forgiven me. We are friends again and we write each other a couple of times a year. What a tremendous burden to be lifted off my shoulders.