Real Life Funny Stories about People We Know
The ClubHouse: The Game - Play Room: General Discussions:
Real Life Funny Stories about People We Know
Vykin | Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:29 pm  I was just posting in the affairs folder and recalled a story about a friend which is true. But first this folder is for any of us to tell Actual Real True Funny Stories about friends, or things that have happened. They must be true. You can use pseudonyms to protect the names. This isn't for jokes, we already have the Improv folder. Actual Events we've experienced or seen |
Vykin | Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 10:55 pm  I have this friend Mike. He was a school trustee from another district. Mike is tall, skinny, wears glasses, he also runs marathons (his way of coping with stress). If you know Where's Waldo, Mike is the splitting Image of Waldo. He always manages to get himself into some funny predicament. 700 hundred of us down at the coast for our AGM, Mike is staying in a 20-storey hotel, with other members of his board. His room is on the 17th floor, one of his friends is on the 19th floor. Mike came back to his room after a somewhat late nite of partying and drinking at a nightclub. (This story is as he related it) He said, he sleeps in the nude. He obviously took his glasses off. The hotel room bathroom door is sidebyside with the door to hallway. Around 3:30am Mike wakes, sleepy, he walks to the "bathroom door". He opens the door, eyes half shut, and by memory where the toilet is, he starts urinating. Something catches his eye (the lights), he opens his eyes wide. Realizes he's standing stark naked, urinating in the hotel hallway. NOW HE IS WIDE AWAKE! Mike looks around and goes to open door to his room, Its Locked! (its a door that closes automatically for the guests protection). WHAT TO DO? He's on the 17th floor, stark naked, standing in a pool of urine. Its 3:30am, he panicks! Can only think of one solution. He goes for the hotel stairwell, starts his long trek down to the lobby. (meantime, his friend on the 19th floor, has tried to telephone Mikes room and becomes concerned that he doesn't answer the phone). Floor after Floor, Mike descends, dieing that he'll run into someone in the stairway. Finally, half hour later (its 4am) he gets to the lobby. He opens stairwell door. Dead Silence, except, he spots a Chinese janitor vacumming. He tries to grab the Asian's attention. There is at least a partition, that covers part of Mike's naked body. After 5 minutes Mike catches the janitors eye. Janitor approaches, he doesn't speak English. Mike, is sweating now, he uses his hands to try get across to the Asian, that he is locked out of his room. Janitor smiles, signals back, gets a key. He motions Mike to the elevator. Mike is scared to go, but to climb back on the stairs is too long. Mike darts to the elevator, He stands side by side with the janitor. Elevator is programmed for doors to open at every single floor (security precaution programmed into elevator). Mike stands there hands covering his "privates". Now beyond panic that at some floor, another person will appear. (he gets lucky). They arrive back on 17th floor, janitor lets Mike in. HE IS THANKING GOD LIKE CRAZY. |
Vykin | Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 11:05 pm  Part Two: Next Day, I see him arrive at the conference, a few hours late, go up and say, "Hey Mikey, what happened to you this morning?". He told the story, I cracked right there and then laughing. His friend on 19th floor is also part of the conversation. Mike makes us SWEAR WE WON'T TELL ANYBODY, HE IS SO EMBARASSED. When Mike has finished telling us. I ask: "Mike, your friend Ron was two floors up from you, why didn't you go up two flights and knock on his door for help?" Mike looks at me, in shock, "I was so, embarrassed and couldn't think straight, going down 17 floors was the only thing I could think of". (His friend is dieing of hysterical laughter). Then, I think, hmm and say: "Mike, you do know that each floor of the hotels has a courtesy phone that you can use to phone the lobby?", Mike turned so red. Well, of course, we never kept our promise to keep the storey secret, it was too good to be true, and now 7 years later has become a legend among school trustees in my province. (another quick Mikey story) He was running in a marathon, I don't recall where, but in the middle of the race, he developed diarrhea, couldn't hold it back, decides he has to clear his system, runs up to a house along the route, mean dog comes chasing after him. He didn't make it, he literally "shit" his pants. |
Himay10ns | Friday, October 20, 2000 - 08:05 am  We used to live next door to a young couple named Dave and Sandy and they had a little 3 year old girl named Shannon. Shannon had named her private parts her "BUFFY". One day, in the middle of the grocery store, Shannon ran up to Sandy and said in a really loud voice, "Mommy, your BUFFY smells!!". Well, of course Sandy was embarrassed but relaxed when she realized no one knew what a "BUFFY" was. So Sandy told my mom this story and my mom told my dad. My father is hilarious and chose the perfect moment to embarrass Sandy....One night at a party a few days later my dad was standing in a large group. Sandy and Dave were standing with him. He looks up, sniffs the air and says, "Whew, somebody's BUFFY SMELLS!!" If you could have seen the look on Sandy's face!! (I guess you had to be there, but our family still laughs about Shannon and her buffy.) |
Vykin | Friday, October 20, 2000 - 02:29 pm  HIMAYS you have me laughing hysterically after a visit to the Abuse folder. Now I will have to remember Buffy! |
Moondance | Friday, October 20, 2000 - 02:33 pm  I will from this day call it a buffy! LOL |
Vykin | Saturday, October 21, 2000 - 06:08 pm  Okay, this will be short. Its true. One day this couple drove into my town. They were headed to a small rural village about 50 miles away. They came to a point in the road that they didn't know where to go next. They spotted this elder man walking along side the highway. They pull over and stop. The little old man stops. He has a strong ethnic accent. (which I will try recreate in this story) The couple asks, "Excuse me sir, we are from California and trying to get to "suchandsuchplace" are we on the right road? The Little Old man, pauses thinks then responds, "Yes you are". The couple says, "Could you tell us how much farther we have to go?". The old man thinks, then says, (Now think of him responding, in a strong accent and somewhat hillbillyish voice) "Okeedokie u folksus arr on da rrrite rrroad, just go, go, and ur dere". The couple responds," Just go, go and we're there?", "Yeps, rrreememmber only two goes and ur dere, if you do treee goes, den you vent too far, eef u doo won go, ur not dere yet". I thought it was cute. So anytime we talk about directions for someplace, we always think of that little old man, "just go, go and you're there" |
Vykin | Sunday, October 22, 2000 - 11:41 pm  Oh what the hell, I share another. This is about my friend John. True Story. John lives out of province, he comes down every other month to my area because he collects specific types of antique furniture. John has a friend Al, at the coast. Al is a great prankster. John is smart, he has a wife, Diane. When John comes he has to bring a fair amount of cash, cuz thats what the ppl selling their stuff prefer. John is also wealthy, so he can afford an extensive collection and pays top dollar. John is from a big city. He and his wife deal with, I'll call it "The Bank of No Return". Each time before John leaves on his roadtrip here, Diane carefully and and concisely tells John what to do if he needs to access more money. She can't be any more clearer than she is! As a followup, their bank manager also explains things to John. Okay now let me try begin...... (everything in the story took place over a period of 3 months) Visit One: John comes down, buys a bunch of stuff, needs some extra cash. We pull up to the local branch of the the Bank of NoReturn. He says he'll just be a minute. 10 minutes, 15,20,30,45! Where the H*ll is John? I go in the Bank, he's at the side counter looking ticked off. He see's me, I say whats the problem? "I can't get my money out!", finally we leave, he phones Diane, "whining to her", she says, "Use your ATM card" John can't find it. Diane exasperated, says, okay I'll wire a moneyorder tomorrow. John is happy. Next day, we go to BankofNoReturn. No $$order. Girl at bank looks everywhere, nothing. John calls Diane, she laughs said, "I wired in Vykins name". All is cool. ( Diane, John, I, and Al laugh and make fun of John - he is always so easy to make fun of) Vist Two: John arrives in town, big smile, says, "This time vykin, I MADE SURE I have no problems with accessing my account!" Al, is also down during this trip. Al and I exchange looks, "Yeah sure John". On we go, soon John again buys lots of antiques - needs more $$. Up we drive to the BankofNOReturn local branch. Its a weekend. Al, westcoast "cityslicker", Vyks in the middle, John, eastcoast city slicker, in a pickup truck. WE are hungry, starving! John will go get extra money, and we will go eat. John promises this time. Will only take 5 minutes, everything was okay when he left home. 5 minutes, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, Al and I are not impressed, 35 that's it, we're going to see what the H is the problem. In we go John is not only at side counter, but BEHIND the counter, across from same clerk who assisted him last time. He seems agitated and angry. We stand back and watch. Woman hangs up phone. John utters some not nice words, but isn't swearing. We walk outside. John attempted to withdraw $$, the clerk said, "We're sorry John, you aren't listed as having an account with BankofNoReturn", John says, what the heck you saying, call, Sara, my manager at my bank in XCity. I've been customer for 20+ year, all my investments, everything, YOU SAY I DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT???" (Note: I've never asked, but I suspect John is probably close to a millionaire). I demand that you call Sara. OR I WILL WITHDRAW ALL MY HOLDINGS!!! Clerk from our local Bank calls Johns bank - no Sara, No one in Johns BONR even heard of Sara!." John is livid (doesn't get angry easy). What the H*ll, she's been my manager for yada yada years. Clerk calls again, NO Sara, No registered account", John demands they call the head office of BankofNOReturn in Montreal. Clerk complies, being polite, but worried this man could seriously cause her harm. BONR Montreal, see John as customer in Xcity, but account is red flagged as unaccessible. He says, it can't be, lists off his assets and investments w/bank. They say from Montreal, they will check. Clerk tells John, she will call immediately on his cellphone. That is when we walked out. Al and I are trying to suppress laughter. John grabs his cell phone, calls wife Diane, "cries to her", she, on the other end is laughing saying, John I bet you messed up somewhere!" He gets angrier, no sympathy from wife. Al and I have to diffuse his anger but laughing hard at him. We go eat. John fidgets, backtrack a bit, every time John would go into BONR, he'd saunter in and say, "Hi, I'm John, I need some money". (as though they should immediately recognize him and jump to their feet to serve him - but he doesn't do it arrogantly, he does it "stupidly") Call comes in to John finally, Clerk bending over backwards apologizing to John. It seems when the BONR ran an full search, they realized he's got "bucks out of his yingyang", and with his threat to pull his account, they scrambled to find out what the problem was in his BONR in Xcity. It turned out, when clerk at our local BONR called John's BONR and asked for Sara, she got a temporary receptionist in for the day. Also, Johns bank is about 20 stories high, thousands of employees. Sara was the a nickname that John called her her full name was something like, Casara. So this time John again, finally got his $$$. But, by now two "screwups" Al, Me, Diane, could resist the loads of jokes we threw at John. His wife is a real prankster also. Okay, I know this is long, but we are almost done, Third Visit IN NEXT POST |
Vykin | Monday, October 23, 2000 - 12:14 am  (by the way, in second visit, after all was cleared up, Diane had said, "John you had cheques on you that are guaranteed cashable, why didn't you use one? "Duh, Diane, I never thought of that!!" Third Visit: John arrives. By now his reputation with the bank has been spread throughout the land. We go off to get antiques, this time John has brought enough money, No Problem, we all breath a sigh of relief. We're heading for dinner. John says, oh I gotta pull just a bit of cash, I'll just go to the BONR and use the ATM, I said fine, I'll check with some other things at home. John drives off. 15 minutes later he's back. He walks in he is very quiet (not like him), his face looks white! I say, John, no problem with BONR, you got your cash from the ATM machine? He looks at me, this frightened look on his face. "Vyks, I think I'm in deep trouble". I go serious, "John?? What happened?". John replies, "Well, I went to pull out money, I put my ATM card in, the cash dispenser locked up and denied me access. I try to get my card out, it didn't come out, tried again, no luck. Finally I got so damn angry, I started pounding my fist at the screen. Vyks I broke the screen!" I respond, "Oh John, its probably cracked don't worry" John says, "NO, Vyks, I really hit it hard, so hard you can see all the computer guts". I look at him, saying "Oh oh John, call them in the morning apologize" John says: "I'm gonna get charged, with all the commotion I caused the last two trips they know me! You may have police knocking on your door tonite!". I think "John, you're serious!!! I just realized the machines have built in cameras, they've got you on video!" John turns further white. He does not feel good about this! He picks up his cell, phones home, tells Diane what happened and she may be getting a call from the police. Diane, (bless her heart) breaks into uncontrollable laughter and tells John he probably screwed something up with his ATM card. John is not impressed, he hangs up!! Now my mind is clicking, John is so nervous, I try to subside his worries, but he's too far gone. I excuse my self while he wallows in self-pity and awaiting doom of a jailcell. I sneak into my office and call his wife. Diane is still laughing - I talked in hushed voice. Diane, this is ripe for a prank on John, lets call Al. We set it up - Al will call my home, impersonating the RCMP (where John is staying) at 7:30am the next morning. Diane will call later "this evening" tell John, "John I'm sorry I laughed, but I realize you're serious, I just got a call from the RCMP in Vykstown about you totally destroying an ATM machine, a Constable "JOnes" will call you at Vyks at 7:30am tomorrow. John hangs up, it;s 8pm, he is REALLY WORRIED now. He's dead meat in his eyes! (meantime back at the farm, Al has been notified of his duty, Diane, Al and I are hysterically laughing behind John's back! Calling each other on the phone as I report John increasingly scared demeanor.) I know, Diane knows, Al knows, John will have a sleepless nite. Morning comes, I'm up at 6am, John comes upstairs. He looks haggard, he's fidgetting, he smokes about a pack of cigarettes btwn 6-7:30am. He awaits the doomed telephone call from the RCMP. 7:30 approaches, he is besides himself, and by now, contemplating excuses for damaging the ATM machine to oblivion. The phone rings - John freezes, I answer the phone, I say, yes, he is here, may I ask who's calling? I hand the phone to John say its Constable Jones, He picks it up and in 10 seconds realizes its Al and realizes ONCE AGAIN HE'S BEEN HAD!! Well he threatened us that we will Never ever trip him up again!, We just laughed. John is one of these greatest guys you could meet, he's charming, good looking, but he is so easy to pull pranks on. End of Story: John still went to the BONR and deeply apologized for breaking their machine and offered to pay for it. As it turns out, the BONR had found the damage, had viewed their video, and of course recognized John from the trouble he had there in the past. They said, smiling, "JOHN, DO YOU KNOW WHY THE MACHINE ATE YOUR CARD AND DIDN'T RETURN IT?" John, Duh "No". Well John, it appears you put your gascard and frequentflyer card, which were stuck together into the machine, instead of your debit card!" Well.....we laughed and laughed and laughed somemore, and this time the Clerks and the WHOLE BANK laughed also. This happened two years ago, and Al's, Dianes and my favorite "ribbing" to John is, "Duh, hello I'm John and I want some money" |
Roger_Ramjet | Monday, October 23, 2000 - 12:20 am  ROFLMAO!!!!!! |
Vykin | Monday, October 23, 2000 - 07:29 am  Stay Tuned for another John Story later today. |
Vykin | Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 07:44 am  Oh what the hell, here goes another "JOHN" story. As I said, John collects antiques. Late last year he was in Saskatchewan. He came across and old man with a one of a kind chair. Just a plain looking chair, folkart. The chair dated back to the beginning of the 1900s or late 1800s. It was handpainted with all sorts of designs, flowers, and multi colors (If you ask me its the most gaudiest, ugliest, mixed color chair I ever seen), reds, yellows, blues, greens etc. floral designs, arabic designs. and simple kitchen like chair, poorly crafted but solid. John fell "in love" with the chair. (I swear he felt it was almost akin to the best sexual experience anyone could ever have). He asked the little old man to sell him the chair. (One key factor was the ugly paint was all original paint). The little old man, is cantankerous, ornery, you name it. "No way, I'm not selling the chair, ever!". John quickly analyzes the situation. He "massages" the little old man, with other talk of the olden days, etc. The little old man opens up with warmth, he begins to really like John. They sit, they talk, they have some tea. A few hours go by. Eventually, John has convinced little old man of his love for the specific type of antique furniture he collects. Little old man is impressed. Then John says, "I will offer you $5000 for the chair.", LOM thinks, smiles, he says, "I never in my wildest dreams imagined its worth more than $10.". LOM is flabberghasted. John explains, if LOM sells the chair it will be part of John's and Dianes permanent collection, when they die the collection will go to a museum. LOM is further impressed, he ponders John's offer. He says, "Look, John, I like you, tell you what, if I ever decide to sell the chair, I will give you "first refusal"." John is ecstatic. But, John is not stupid. He's got to have a guarantee that he will own the chair one day. John goes back home to Xcity. He calls LOM back and says, "I would like to offer you $8000 dollars and your guarantee in writing that the chair will come to me, in the event that you die, I am also sending you a certified cheque, as my committment to pay $8000." LOM is further pleased, probably thinking "This John is absofrickenlukely (luv that word) nuts! but 8grand? hey." LOM complies. John makes arrangements all is well. This chair is the absolute piece de resistance for John, this is the motherlode!!!! A month passes, during this time John has "nonstopped babbled and bragged about this chair, and his guarantee of getting it. Diane is tired of his lovefest obsession w/chair, I am, and Diane is also pretty tired. But, we also begin teasing John anyway we can. John just ignores us. (John keeps this chair find restricted to a select handful of us - doesn't want his competitors to latch on to it) John has to leave overseas for six weeks. He leaves happy about his chair that he will one day have physical possession of. Meanwhile back at the Canadian Farm, Diane, Al and I are emailing and talking about John and how we love the guy, but honestly sometimes he drives us nuts. Lightbulbs go off, time to play a prank on John. Plans start to formulate, strategy in place. The Plan 1. John doesn't know Diane and I have told Al about the "chair". 2. Al's mission, to email John and tell him John's worst competitor talked to him all excited about a "find of a lifetime", some chair in Saskatchewan. The Response: Within virtually a nanosecond, John fires an email back to Al. "What? What chair?, Tell me more!", You can almost feel the nervous sweat pouring down John's face. Al, casually emails back describes the chair. (within the context of the email Al has inserted a "way out" but John has missed it) Another email, it is evident John is extremely upset! He has lost the now infamous chair he was sure was guaranteed - even in writing!!! But, John is about to return home within day or two. Day of 24 hour flight home arrives for John, he has developed an abscessed tooth. To get it fixed overseas, means an extra day delay to get home. Nope can't do that, have to find out what the hell went wrong w/chair. He casts aside common reasoning and boards the plane with a festering tooth. It is not a pleasant flight. John arrives home in Xcity, after numerous shots of scotch to relieve his pain. He is jetlagged, (now John can never sit still, if he isn't on his cellphone, he's making arrangements to see this person or that) such is the case, the day he arrives home (most people wud crash to get rid of jetlag, but not our John), he has arranged to meet with a foremost author on Canadiana furniture. First, and finally he realizes he's pushed the tooth pain too far. He goes to dentist then arrives home, mouth stuffed full of cotton. Mic Mac the author is waiting at his home. John walks in, they chat, John is hard to understand. Then, unbeknownst to me and Diane, (Al has brought Mic in on the prank) he mentions this chair he's heard of that Worst Competitor has picked up. John is agitated and angered starts "yelling" . Shooting pain through his mouth. He shuts up. Next day, John arrives at my home. Now using me as a "woe is me" crutch. I am non-sympathetic. John has now gone 4 days obsessing about his loss. It's time to let him know. We do - John is not impressed with us. We don't care! Then we start back at him. John, all you had to do is pick up the damn phone and call LOM to ask if he had indeed sold the chair. 5 minutes tops. John's response: Duh, "I didn't think to do that I was so mad". Well, stupid is as stupid does. John vowed to get us back, to watch our backs, (including his wife). He just doesn't get it, we are always one step ahead of him. Now the question remains: Who would be stupid enough to offer $5,000 for a chair, then outbid himself to $8000 for a simple nothing chair with gaudy paint. Its not even a Chippendale! That's our John, but we love the guy. |
Vykin | Saturday, October 28, 2000 - 07:09 pm  Okay this one is about a female associate named Linda. One day, after doing some business, Linda and I were going for lunch. Linda had been a passenger in my car for 4 years, it was more reliable than hers. Before proceeding to lunch, I had some business at the bank. She being a typical woman announces she needs to use the washroom. I go to the bank, Linda goes off in her direction to do her "thing". I come back to my car. I wait and I wait and I wait. Where the heck is she????? 15 minutes has gone by! Just as I get out of my car to go look for her. She is walking toward me down the sidewalk. Her face is flaming red. She doesn't say a word! Linda gets in the car. I ask, "Where were you???What happened?" She quietly says, "I came back, I sat back down in the car. I picked up your newspaper, I started reading it". "The door opened, a woman gets in, asks, "Who are you and why are you sitting in my car??" Well I died laughing. She had mistakenly gotten into a red car which looked similar to mine!. We always bring up that story when ever we meet. |
|