The most difficult lesson

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Moondance

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 12:42 pm Click here to edit this post
The most difficult lesson you have ever had to learn...

I will answer in a minute ... you guys wanted some topics... so I will be back :)

Moondance

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 02:26 pm Click here to edit this post
I think what was the most difficult lesson (or one of them) was that no matter how much love you have for someone, sometimes they don't love you back.

A lesson that is not fun to learn more than once ... I know that means you haven't learned it but the are pop tests that happen to make sure you 'got it'! I think this lesson was difficult for me because I had to turn inward and find what was lacking in myself that I could give instead of focusing on the other person. It's a life process but once you are aware of it ... it becomes easier.

One of my hardest

Vykin

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 06:40 pm Click here to edit this post
Well, this is a tough one for me Moondance. Let me begin by saying, when Roger sang "In the Living Years" a few days ago, its a song I relate to the most difficult lesson I learned in life.

It was 1981. My father, was 57. He had what they called a "late onset" of Muscular Dystrophy. Even thought I made it appoint to be aware of things around me I never knew exactly what was wrong with him. My mothers response to us children, 2 boys, 2 girls, when we'd ask what the doctors felt was wrong was: well, he's sick and he isn't going to get better. She was protective regarding the nature of his illness. Regardless, over a period of 10 years, my father, who previously had been an active man, became debilitated as time went on. In the last 3 years before his death, he went from walking, with a brace, to a cane, to a wheelchair. From muscles dieing in one leg, then another, then one arm, then the other, then the dystrophy slowly moved to surround his lungs. My father was a big man, my mother refused to put him into a care facility. She had "hoists" brought into the bedroom to lift him from bed, she looked after his bathroom needs, etc.. My father was a man of great wisdom. Something I always knew, but perhaps should have told him more often.

In the year my father passed away, one of my siblings ended a 10 year "low in the gutter" problem with alcoholism, which had begun at the age of 16. Another sibling got married 1 month before his death.

I, had been married for 2 years. My spouse and I lived 15 minutes away from my parents home. I passed the turn off to my parents home, every day on my way to and from work. My work was exhausting, an hours drive to and frm each way.

Many times went by when, I meant to stop in and see him, but more often, I drove home to my spouse. I knew he understood. One day, I did stop in, my father had a unique way of getting "points" across to me. He said, "You know, vykin I am very happy to see you, I was beginning to wonder perhaps if you got lost?", I respond (i'm distracted by something else) "Huh, Dad, what do you mean lost?", He says: "Well, Vykin, I thought maybe I should draw a map for you, so you would have the directions on how to get to your former home, that way you wouldn't get lost".

Well, I knew exactly what he meant. I made a promise to myself, to stop and see him more often.

We were in the middle of building our house, much to do, lots of work, my father in that previous visit had also given us some plywood he had stacked for the roof of our new house. He said, "Take this plywood, vykin, you need it to make sure you have a solid roof over your head, you never know what may fall upon you in life".

Speed ahead 2 weeks from the initial conversation, where I made the promise to myself. Its Friday night, I come home, its summer, hot. My spouse suggests we go visit my father. I am beat! I say no, I'm too tired. My spouse said, "Fine, I'm going to go down, drop some fruit off, and see him.". Next day, Saturday nite, My mother calls frantic. My father is not breathing call the ambulance. We did, he was taken to the hospital. It is there in the waiting room, the doctor informed my mother, and me, that he would not have long to live. It was there I first found out his actually disease was Muscular Dystrophy.
I was somewhat angry at my mother. I knew my father was ill, but you never expect your parents to die, and I was young ( I still am young!).
My father spent 3 days in intensive care. As I said earlier, we were putting the roof on our new house, it was a busy time. My father, after a visit, said, go get that taken care of, I'll be fine. I did, I went to finish the roof.

In drives my mother. She says, "Vykin, we have a problem, we need to have a will drawn up for Dad."
(this is a Sunday, I have work on Monday), she continues, "I know your co-worker Jill has legal experience, go to work tomorrow morning, ask her to draw up a Will". Well of course, I am irritated, "Mother, you of all people were aware that Dad would not live past this year, I just found out, and you never drew up a will????" Damn, I was angry. I said, "Mom, I've been working on the roof all day, I wanted to go visit Dad tomorrow morning, and not go to work!", "No", she said. "The will needs to be done, dad will be fine".

Well, I drove to work, talked with Jill she said it wud take few hours to do. I spoke with my boss, arranged to take the rest of the week off.

I phoned the hospital, told my mother I will be there in a few hours, I needed to talk to Dad.
In the meantime, I sent my spouse to the hospital.

The few hours were hell at work, I NEEDED TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL, I NEEDED TO TELL MY DAD HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM. THAT WAS THE ONLY THING ON MY MIND, THAT IS WHY I WANTED TO SEE HIM INSTEAD OF GOING TO WORK!.

I never got the chance, when the will was done, I sped to the hospital, 30 miles away. He died before I got there.

I carried that burden with me for two years. I went through all the emotions, anger at them leaving legalities till the last minute. Angry, I never saw him the Friday night, angry that I never said, "I Love You", as often as I should have.

Speed up 2 years to 1983. My son is born. He will be an only child. He is a few months old. I am sleeping, I have a dream. (My son, had eerily similar features to my father!! I had wished my Dad had been alive to see this child who so resembled him). In the dream, my father is sitting in his wheelchair, in my old family home. In the dream, I know his muscles have stopped working. He looks at me, with this glowing smile, I am holding my new born son. He lifts both his arms, and asks to hold his grandson. I see him holding him. I feel at peace. I wake from the dream, and to this day, I remember ever detail of it. I know my father was "here".

Now: Sorry for the long story, Moon, you ask about Lessons learned> Well, I learned the most important thing: I Love You, are the most powerful words, one human can say to another. Yet, they are words that are spoken so little to others. I learned that mistakes can be fixed. Most importantly, I taught my son, as a man, to be comfortable with saying, "I Love You" and to know that he is loved. I learned that is important to "Take time to smell the scent of the roses in our
lives, for tomorrow they may be buried deep in the cold winter snow",
"In the Living Years", "The Rose" two very powerful songs.

Moondance

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 07:49 pm Click here to edit this post
Wow... Vykin... I am crying now...Not only does my heart go out to you and your family it brings back memories about my Father.

He too was active and on the go... He was tall, blond and handsome. Unfortunately he smoked and his life was taken away when he was only 34... I was 12. He died of lung cancer. I was privileged to say my good-byes, promises and his spirit left the earth. So hard at that age to lose a parent ... so hard at any age. Time to me doesn't heal it just makes things easier. You never get over it, you just learn your lessons and learn to live with it... IMO.

It also reminded me the feelings I get when you write about your son... It is very touching and I love to hear about the parent child relationship. Especially the good ones! :) Thanks for sharing that.

Vykin

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 08:15 pm Click here to edit this post
thank you moon, how nice. That is exactly why the "tone" in my posts changes when I talk about my son.

Roger_Ramjet

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 08:24 pm Click here to edit this post
Vykin--The song "Living Years"--Mike Rutherford wrote it. He must have gone through not geting to take care of things with someone in order to write such a powerful, wise song. I can't imagine someone being able to express that so well without having gone through it--can you??

I will post my toughest choice in awhile. It's not easy deciding if someone you love should be terminated (and you didn't know it till right then), and having to decide in 1 minute or less. Expanded details later.

Talisker

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 08:32 pm Click here to edit this post
Thanks Vykin! I found your story very moving and appreciate you sharing what must have been a very painful part of your life with us.

Zebulon

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 09:03 pm Click here to edit this post
Thanks for sharing that very personal story Vykin. It really meant a lot to me.

My parents are somewhat older. I was what's called a "change of life baby". My parents were in their mid 40s when I was born and my youngest sister is 12 years older than I am. There's always been that huge generation gap between me and my parents. In some cases it was hard to talk to them and be open about certain things, especially my dad.

In 1994, I was fortunate enough to meet a special man through my business who became a mentor and a great friend over the next few years. We hit it off right from the beginning. He was 60 and a retired vice president of a major company. Also, he lived like a block and a half away from me so I would make visits to talk to him. He was someone I felt I could talk to about anything and understood me and my situations. He eventually became like a second dad to me and I found myself spending more time talking to him than my own dad. In the middle of May of 1998, he developed what we thought was a minor case of pneumonia and was placed on medication. By June, he had been entered into the hospital and diagnosed with lung cancer. On July 18,1998 after a 2 week stay, 1 week at home, 2 weeks in the hospital again, and another week at home...he passed away. I last saw him that Thurs and he passed away on Sat. I couldn't believe what had happened in just 2 months and I was devastated. It's terrible to say, but it was a more devastating loss to me than losing my grandparents. I think it was because I felt he had taught me so much. I filled in some the blanks in his life and he filled in the blanks in mine. It still hurts today when I think about it.

My dad is 78. I will be 32 this year so you can see the age gap. Your story above just reaffirmed to me that I need to spend more time with my dad before something happens to him. I sincerely thank you, Vykin, and I wish you peace in your heart.

Xenia

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 09:22 pm Click here to edit this post
My most difficult lesson has been to learn to live in the moment and not focus on or obsess about outcomes.

Vykin

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 09:39 pm Click here to edit this post
Zeb, Talis, Roger, Moon thank you, I do apologize for the length. Moon something in your topic just drew me instantly. I will say, that what I wrote is a real story, and in all the time I have been online 7 going on 8 years, I am closely guarded about myself. However, this particular "sharing" if you will, I felt I needed to share and is the most personal thing I've revealed about myself in 8 years talking on computers. So.. there must be good in this Game. I am loving the stories people have shared, such as arreal and all of you. I also love the humor!!!!
Roger I am really looking forward to your lesson learned. Zeb your story is equally as moving.
Rog thanx I forgot the singers name.

Moondance

Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 10:32 pm Click here to edit this post
Vykin ... The length was perfect and I know that I am so glad you picked us to share it with... again thank you. I think the Prez is all right!

Vykin

Thursday, October 12, 2000 - 12:02 am Click here to edit this post
lol moon theprez has "moments" at times also.
have a good sleep i'm off to internet camera and then hitting the sack. been a long day today