Online relationships...
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Xenia | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 08:00 am  On Friday night I was watching the news. Here in Canada there was a survey recently done. Out of all the Internet-users who were asked, 1/3 of them admitted to having an ongoing online relationship of some kind. Many of the people asked, said they did not want to meet the person they were having an online relationship with. It got me to thinking... Do you guys have any strictly online relationships? Have they changed or enhanced your life? Also, do you think finding love online has less of a stigma these days than it did a few years ago? For me, I'd never actively go searching online for a boyfriend. During my early 20's I spent a ton of hours using telephone dating services and they had disastrous results. I can only imagine that meeting online then trying to take it offline and making it something real and realistic would be just as hard. For over a year and a half I've been keeping an online journal at opendiary.com. I've bonded with many people through that site. It's a been a Godsend. One of the people at met through opendiary is a woman who I have evolved a close friendship with. It's been a blessing. But our communication takes place solely via ICQ (even though we live in the same city). Neither one of us have the desire to meet. Sometimes I think this situation is perfect, other times I feel it's unfulfilling. And the longest online relationship I have had is with a guy I became friends with via the alt.astrology newsgroup five years ago. I haven't heard from him in months, but I do still consider him a good friend. How about you guys? |
Himay10ns | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 08:04 am  Xenia, have you actually met any of your online friends? Were those good experiences? Good topic.... |
Xenia | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 08:14 am  Thanks for the compliment, Himay. Come to think of it, no, I haven't met any of my online friends. |
Roger_Ramjet | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 08:16 am  Xenia--excellent topic! More when I can get a chunk of time to respond with focused thought (no work). Juts didn't want anyone to think I was blowing off this topic. |
Mantastic | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 09:17 am  I have something to say on this, too. Like Rog--gimme awhile to compose. |
Talisker | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 09:19 am  Me too! I will write something in a little while. This will be a fun thread! Thanks Xenia for lightening things up a bit! Much appreciated!! |
Luke | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 09:58 am  Good morning everyone! I guess we are all just arriving at work! hehehe... Boy, do I have some stuff on this as well. Let me make my morning cappuccino, and I'll be right back. |
Arreal | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 12:00 pm  In answers to you question Xenia, I have met quit a few people from on-line. In my neck of the woods we actually have an AOL Club formed from the people who frequent the city's chat room. I met my husband at one of these parties the club had. Actually I didn't even notice him at the first few parties. I really got to know him on-line first. I also held numerous friendships in another chat area; On-Line Psych. Two people living near LA. After over a year of chatting I went to meet Stacy and Thomas. I stayed with Stacy and her husband. Later that year Stacy took me on my first trip to Las Vegas. Woohoo!!! I was addicted to LV instantly. That was all 3 years ago. A year and a half ago Stacy was my maid of honor in my wedding. We are still very close. Thomas was also a great guy. It was great meeting him also. He lived on a sailboat. I just adored him. He told me if I ever quit smoking to look him up and we'ld get married. We lost touch. He was having many difficulties with his mental illness and ended up in a long term treatment center. Last I heard from him was about 2 years ago when he left the treatment program, his treatment just barely having started. There have been others that I have met, but really not the type the added anything positive to my live. |
Moondance | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 12:44 pm  Hi Xenia...Great topic I had never met anyone on line until BBFC... you all probably know who I am so I won't go into it just in case. I have always shied away from chat rooms and other on-line meetings as this was my first board - posting experience. I am glad I did. I have had cyber sex but that was with my ex boyfriend ... it was fun but I prefer in person. I haven't been approached otherwise. There are some people here though I would love to meet in person because they have intriguing personalities. BBFC and the posters have helped me get through a tough summer so I am thankful for the relationships I have formed. I know though, Mom thinks I need to get out more! |
Mantastic | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 01:04 pm  What is it--to be online? To be connected, certainly. But to whom? To what? Wires. Machines. Information, yes. To each other, it seems to me. That's the essence of the thing. As recently as five years ago, there were those that proclaimed the advent of the internet and the growing prevalence of email as a handy device for communicating with each other as the final nail in the coffin of humankind's isolation from each other. Some still say that. That we'll never have to speak face-to-face again. Feelings and eyes and body language and all the good stuff that makes interacting fun would take a back seat to the blinking flag of your email-indicator in the corner of your screen with a few unpunctuated lines of type from someone you've never met. Or worse, from your mom, instead of a hug. Not so, we see today. Quite the opposite, in fact, since much has been written (and I will not repeat it here) about the great benefit our interconnectedness offers. The informational resources. The potential to entertain. To distract. To edify. What interests me, though, is the potential the medium offers for pretend. You can be whomever you choose when you interact this way. I don't have to be a cubicled faceless grunt in the corporate hierarchy of the Tech sector (not that you see me giving up my stock options, though) today--I can be a geriatric grocer named Sam! I can be Snave Knave, live-feed narrator and professional smartass. I can be Mantastic, disenfranchised loner who doesn't participate when he has nothing to say, but nonetheless needs the feel of those around him to confirm some kind of answer to whatever he's said. To know you're out there. Somewhere. This mimetic screen behind which we all hide is the great enabler. Zelda can become an Angel. Kearie can become the reassuring presence to those who suffer and need the comforting she can offer. Neil can become the great and powerful Oz (pay no attention to that man behind the curtain)--more than just a techie from Ottawa who likes 'Cudas. And you can be who you want to be, say what you want to say; unshackled from the responsibility of being held accountable for what you say and do. And yet, isn't it interesting that virtually all of us choose to remain accountable? We grasp even tighter to the values we already hold, and get upset when they are transgressed. But I'm sure such a savvy group as us knew all this, already. I have never met anyone online. I don't know that I'd want to. As one who is more committed to the surface than to the depths, I'm more interested in the different faces we can wear when we interact, than the real ones behind them. The real ones are always kind of disappointing and how shall I say, un-intense. Give me the sizzle of the unknown over the safety and uncomfortable authenticity of the 'real'. It's all about style. Hey, I lift weights. I have used my face and body to make a profit, in a former profession. But none of that holds a candle to the intense power of a reader's imagination of who I am, who I think you are, and the power you have to make me imagine who you are. |
Talisker | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 01:06 pm  Online relationships – since the title does not limit this discussion to just dating type of relationships, I have a few thoughts on this I would like to mention. I have a girl friend that I “met” online back in January 1994. We met in an AOL folder because we had the same type of dogs. At the time, I had 2 of them, she and just gotten her second and was looking for a little advice. We because fast friends and she was my first online friendship. To this day, we are still “best” online friends. I drove and flew up to Chicago to meet her and spent several long weekends with her and her husband. 6 Years ago, I moved from where I was to my current location and was without a computer for nearly 3 weeks. In that time, my number one priority was getting online again so we could talk. Through the years, she has been a big source of support, advice, and companionship for me and I hope that she feels likewise. She has been a true friend in every sense of the word. Now, for a more humorous story regarding “dating” online: In 1993, I met a guy online who lived probably about 30 miles away from me. He also had a dog and so did I – the common denominator. We started corresponding via email on a daily basis. He seemed like a nice enough guy and we struck up a friendship of sorts. (this came about 7 months after the end of a bad relationship I had just gotten out of) Anyways, we arranged to meet for bowling and a late lunch. Fortunately, I had the foresite to park my car where we would be going last (the restaurant was across the street from the bowling alley). I met my new beau in the bowling alley and was pretty disappointed. I had gone to great pains to make myself look presentable for this “date” so I would make a good impression. My Romeo had decided to let me get the full effect of his natural state right off the bat (believe me, there was no place but up from this point on). Good grooming was obviously not high on his list of priorities. But, I felt that there was good in this person from the emails I had received from him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. (you know the little voice that says run? If I had listened – I would have been $30 richer) We went up to the counter to get bowling shoes and just to be nice, I paid for them. I figured (I had not dated for a while, it was the LEAST I could do). We went about bowling . . and I discovered that we did not have much in common. I like beer with bowling, he did not drink (but he let me buy my beers and his cokes). The person who seemed to have much to say in emails was a “conversational deadbeat” and the afternoon was just plain boring and tedious. But, I was determined to put on a good face and try my best. We finished bowling and as we walked up to the counter, I thought I would make the gesture to look like I wanted to pay for part of the fun. My Romeo took this gesture to mean I was picking up the tab and quickly thanked me for paying for the entire outing. Huh? What had I missed in my period of hibernation from dateland? Still not conviced (me that is) I let the suffering continue. We walked across the street to a gourmet burger place. I knew my wallet was going to be a little bit lighter when he whipped out that big $5 bill to help out. (gee thanks) the total bill was nearly $15. All in all, the entire date cost about $35 of which I got stuck with $30. We left the restaurant and I said thanks (although, he should have been thanking me I thought) and got into my car and left him to make his way back to the bowling alley. My foresite pretty much eliminated the cozy after dinner walk across the street back to our cars. In the old days, it used to be if you spent that much money on a date, you were able to count on stealing a kiss. I decided to pass on this option. I got home a little while later and my male housemates asked me how my date was. I gave them a questioning look and said “Expensive.” Later that evening, my prince sent me an email stating that he had had a wonderful time and wanted to do it again. Yeah, I bet. To add to my continuing post (and to see if I can out do Mantastic for having the longest post in this area of the board) I would like to add a little bit more to my thoughts on online relationships. For the past few years, I have been reluctant to let myself get involved with anyone for fear of being hurt again. Certain new interests have had me coming out of lurkdom and to the world of message boards again. I met someone online whose companionship has come to mean a lot to me. We while away the time here and there with conversations, humor and some lighthearted flirting. I do not know if we will ever meet or what the future holds in store but for now, I am content riding the waves and enjoying the ride with someone who has become a good friend. |
Mantastic | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 01:31 pm  Tal: I'm all for riding the waves. See what I mean about the clunky, uncomfortable chaos of reality? |
Luke | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 02:26 pm  Hey everyone... Just got back from lunch... Hmmm... meeting people online... Well, I have met many people online really... Actually, I read somewhere that it seems to be popular within the gay community, because online you have more control of how much of your identity you release. Some guys who are still in the closet might want to meet other guys, but then are a little too apprehensive to frequent gay social establishments for being outed to others. Also, anyone who has ever gone into AOL chat can instantly see how many gay chat rooms are listed. As far as the relationships I've made with people I've met online... Well I actually went travelling to Spain last winter, and a month before I took off, I went into a lot of chat rooms from Spain. I met some friends that way, and we even hooked up once I got over there! One friend I met who lives in Madrid was kind of like my tour guide. I went driving by myself all over southern Spain, and I took a cell phone with me. In Europe, you only get charged if you make a call (no airtime charge for incoming calls), and he'd call me every day and tell me about the cities I visited and told me the spots to go. It was great! I'm planning another trip after Christmas, and I'm considering going back and doing the same thing, but I may take the northern route this time. As far as more intimate, personal relationships, I did meet one guy online with whom I had a relationship that lasted about a year. As a matter of fact, the majority of our conversations were via AOL--we'd go out to dinner and everything, but we'd be logged on every day at work and chat for practically the whole day... (yes, I can still get work done... It's called multitasking! I guess, then, it was kind of appropriate that when we broke up, it was again over AOL Instant Messenger. I think that in a world where everybody is getting busier and busier, the internet has provided a way for people to interact socially. I mean, I would imagine that a hundred or so years ago nobody would ever have imagined how the telephone has brought people closer together--and the relationships that have been formed or broken over telephone conversations. My guess is that chat or interacting socially online will only continue to grow in popularity. |
Vykin | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 06:48 pm  I've been chatting online with someone or other since 1993. In that time I've probably met hundreds if not more than a thousand different people. Of those, there are maybe 30 from OJ trial days, that I maintain some form of contact with. On a regular basis there are 5 people I continuously chat with because we have similar interests and opinions. Of the 5 there are two in particular I feel really close with, one lives in palm springs, the other in oklahoma. We have never met face to face, though I've seen photos of the one from the "springs". They are both females. If there were ever an opportunity to meet with them, I'd meet with both. They are my "confidants" if you will, and hopefully, I am theirs. I know I could trust them. But this comes from almost 7 years of talking with them online. When BigBrother came around, I once again met about 30 key friends, whom I enjoyed discussions with in AOL Chat for BigBrother fans. I have close to 20 of them on my buddy lists. Some of them have met a few of my OJ friends, so our group has expanded. Of the BBers there are close to 10 that I have really come to enjoy and like, we are all still building our relationships, but I can predict at least 5 or more "diamonds" coming out of the BB group, as ongoing continous friends. For chatting, I only use AOL, though my son uses ICQ. I am cautious about going to the public aol chat rooms. I have a low tolerance for perverts who invade the chat rooms if only to grab our screen names so as to forward porn mail, which I delete, because I have no interest in someone imposing porn on me. I'll choose to read and watch porn when I choose. So, because I like to have a good, intelligent discussion about a diverse number of topics, I look for chat rooms specific to a given situation, i.e. BB, Political Chats, Criminal Investigation, and Psychological discussions, I also access the Travel Chat discussions. My Professional life, requires me to be uptodate on the changes forces and developing issues surrounding problem solving, conflict resolution, negotiation, and educationally psychological developments. The internet, and chat rooms, give me the ability at times to research something if I need to. As far as intimate online relationships, I have no interest. I think computers are a great, fascinating tool. But they are only tools. I recall being 13 or so, when 2001, A Space Odyssey came out, with the infamous HAL. If we allow a piece of equipment to determine real life relationships for us, then I believe we are just succumbing to machines over our minds. IMHO, I would prefer to use my real brain to make critical decisions instead of a database. |
Roger_Ramjet | Monday, October 09, 2000 - 09:48 pm  Online relationships...well first of all, depends how you define relationship. If it's girl friend type relationships, nope haven't done it, and it woldn't interest me. For me part of that is being with the person. talking between people kind of like you would a friend...I have done that. Knew a person that worked on-site and eventually moved back to FL. We write on a fairly regular basis--not a set time period, however we keep in touch. That was it until BBFC. I lurked on BBBlows before finding BBFC, and pretty much stayed with BBFC with the exception of a couple of looks over there now and then to see how much traffic there is, and if they are ripping us. I just posted on the BB USA board and read the live feed posts. I've been in the chat area a couple of times and have enjoyed that most when there are just a few people in there. Too much ofr me to keep up when there are 15 in there...I just read and see who's around when it dies down. I find it interesting, although can never know if what I'm getting is the real person (well, not at least 100%). Of course I know I'm the same online as I am in real life, although how can anyone know for 100% sure?? We'd have to meet, or have something happen to pass along something that would be of value, or at a time of importance. I just try to enjoy it. So far I haven't felt aprehensive about any of the folks I've chatted with more or less 1 on 1-4. Even had an email exchange with one person to cover some information that was juts too long for the chat room. I guess that would make me pretty limited in experience compared to the rest of you. I enjoyed hearing what you've experienced and your thoughts on this topic! |
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