Jokes!!Feeling blue??Click here!
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Jokes!!Feeling blue??Click here!
Surfgirl | Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 11:02 pm     Not unlike the game of Survivor.. life gets very stressfull sometimes!! We all have our good and bad days..today, for me, was a bad one! When I find myself wanting to wallow in it.. I try to find something to laugh about!! So I hope it is ok to put a little lol in this thread..please all add to it. Can be any joke I guess.. doesnt have to be survivor one.( I hope.. guess that is up to mods.. I am new at this not sure!)lol ...SO here is my lame joke.. "One day Richard Hatch, Jonny Fairplay, and Colby.. were strolling down the beach.. Colby stumbled over a shiny bottle.. low and behold it was a Genie's bottle!! So of course he rubbed it ..and out popped the Genie!! Giving all of them 3 wishes each.. All three right away wished to be richer..POOF.. they were all richer! Second wish all three desired to be stronger..POOF.. they were stronger! Last wish, all three asked to be made smarter...POOF!!! All three turned into women" LOL!! |
Starshine40 | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 01:33 am     Great idea Surfgirl! Hope this one doesn't offend anyone, I thought it was cute and I'm a great grandmother. Something I read in a book a few nights ago. A few months ago my son recommended the author Janet Evanovich's books about a female bounty hunter named Stephanie Plum. Well, I finally got one ("Hard Eight")and really enjoyed it. In this series, heroine's grandmother lives with her parents. One day Grandma said, "I'm thinking about getting a computer so I can have cybersex." "Anybody know how that works"? Her other grandaughter said, "You go into a chat room and you meet someone and then you type dirty suggestions to each other". "That sounds like fun." Grandma said. "How does the sex part work"? "You sort of have to do the sex part yourself." "I knew it was too good to be true." Grandma said. "There's always a catch to everything." |
Surfgirl | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 01:52 am     lol starshine40: Love Janet E. books!!You have to read all 8 of them, they are great!!Grandma is one of the best players in all the books.... To me was not offenseve at all! |
Jami | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 03:33 am     This isn't a joke, but I was reminded of this by the grandma/cybersex joke. During the Clinton sex scandal a friend of my family who, at the time, was 70ish asked me, "What is PHONE sex?" She just couldn't put those tow things together. LOL. |
Bluejaxrock | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:12 am     Here in the great city of Columbus, Ohio, it is "OSU-Michigan" week. The best joke I've heard this week (so far) is this one: Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?" The lady answers, "144." "That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Buckeyes?" Can you tell I'm not too popular around here this week? |
Amchess | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:39 am     I have a hilarious ad clip from Tooheys New beer called What Mates Like from Australia. I can't paste an address - it is a .wav but can't find any way to watch it online. E-mail me at amchess@narimasu.net with your addy and I will e-mail it to you. Put TVCH in subject line so I don't delete it thinking it is spam. Maybe someone else can figure out how to post a link to it. |
Hukdonreality | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:42 am     This isn't a joke, but it is a cute quiz you can take to find out which character you are from the Finding Nemo movie. Since I don't know how to make a direct link, just highlight this and paste it into your browser http://quizilla.com/users/wgryph/quizzes/What%20Finding%20Nemo%20Character%20are%20You%3F/ |
Amchess | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:50 am     I'm DORY, the happy fish with mad skills. |
Kep421 | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 12:35 pm     My favorite joke is one I read in Reader's Digest ages ago....here it is: One day two strings walked into a bar and ordered two beers from the bartender on duty. The bartender looked them up and down and said..."I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here. You'll both have to leave". The two strings left, but after exiting outside, one string got very upset. He turns to his fellow string and states indignatly: "That's not fair!! We're just as good as anybody in that bar!!" So the agitated string folds himself over, pulls himself up tightly and then fluffs both of his ends. He turns sharply and stomps back into the bar. Marching right up to the bar, he immediately demands a beer. The bartender eyes the string suspiciously up and down, then says..."Hey...aint you one of them strings I jes threw outta here?" The string pulls himself up to his full height and replies hotly .."NO...I'm a frayed knot!!" (sorry...this thing cracks me up every time...heheheheh) |
Kep421 | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 12:40 pm     BTW...I'm Dory too!! Woo hoo...she is my favorite character! |
Amchess | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 01:13 pm     Huk, I just looked at your picture. It is so funny!!!! |
Hukdonreality | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 03:54 pm     Thanks Amchess! When I first saw that picture I just laughed and laughed. Some snot-nosed twenty somethings at work were just "mortified" that I thought that it was funny. Just goes to show you that we are all individuals. Glad that you enjoyed the picture too, Ann! :-) |
Teachmichigan | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 03:56 pm     Bluejax...I LOVE IT!!! Go Wolverines! (Of course, being a transplanted Buckeye, I root for OSU for every other game...especially when they play Michigan State!) Not a joke, but a cute story. My sophomores are part of the Big Brother/Big Sister program and are paired up with second graders at our school. Today we were doing a turkey craft with construction paper, and when the students were done, they had to write a short story by filling in blanks. The first line said, "My turkey's name is ________." One second grade finished it.....Dinner! BWAHAHAHA! Out of the mouth of babes! |
Teachmichigan | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 04:02 pm     here's my favorite....(not a bad word among it...but a bit risque!) In the forest a son of a birch tree and a son of a beech tree grew side by side. They were beautiful trees and had become the best of friends. One day the son of a birch tree noticed a small sapling in between them. The son of a birch tree asked the son of beech tree, "Do you know if that tree is a son of a birch or a son of a beech?" The son of a beech tree looked the sapling over for a few minutes before replying, "I'm sorry; I can't tell if that is a son of a birch or a son of a beech." Fortunately for the friends, a woodpecker happened to fly by. The son of a birch asked the bird, "Mr. Woodpecker, since you are by far the most expert tree identifyer among us, could you taste this sapling and tell us if it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech tree? We would be ever so grateful." Being a kind bird, the woodpecker agreed and took a few pecks out of the sapling. After savoring each piece at length, he turned back to the son of a birch and the son of a beech. "Dear sirs," he said, "That tree is neither a son of birch nor a son of a beech. However, it is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!" |
Surfgirl | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 05:22 pm     Great jokes and stories all!! Hukdonreality : What a great pic.!!Was rofl at it. Here is a funny story, that if my son knew I was repeating.. he would kill me!: When my son was 8 yrs old(now he is 18!!) he loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... Well one day he came down with a really bad case of the Stomach flu and at about 3 0'clock in the morning,he came into my room, and told me in a way what only a embaressed 8 yr old can, that he had had a "accident"..he said "Uhhh MOM? Leonardo pooped his shell!!!! |
Lauram | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 05:47 pm     O.K. Q: How do you know it is bedtime at Neverland Ranch? A: When the Big hand is on the Little hand. |
Twiggyish | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 06:14 pm     KEP..Frayed knot..LOL!! I like corny jokes. |
Surfgirl | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:22 pm     Lauram..:I am Cringing.. while I rofl..good one! |
Catfat | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:52 pm     Scam warning!!! A man knocks on women's doors and says he is taking a survey asks to see their boobs. Warning--there is no survey, this is a hoax, he just wants to see your boobs. Do not show him your boobs. I wish I had seen this yesterday. |
Surfgirl | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 09:31 pm     Ok I started this thread out with a little bit of a man bashing joke so I will be fair: God creates Adam. So Adams hanging around eden having fun for awhile, then he gets bored. So he ask God if he can put someone else down there with him. So God says "Yes Adam ,I will put someone on Earth with you, but it will cost you a arm and a leg." Adam thought about it for a while and responded.."Umm God what can I get for a rib??" |
Starshine40 | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 12:24 am     Kep, I had to read your joke about 3 times before I finally "got it". No, I'm a frayed knot= No, I'm afraid not! hahaha |
Mybbusername | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 05:08 am     A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks him over and says Sorry Pal, we dont serve your kind in here. The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungi" And one of my all time favorites: Why didn't the skeleton cross the street? Cuz he didn't have the guts!!!! I like corny/goofy jokes, too. |
Enigma2 | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 06:19 am     Hukdonrealty, you're such a saucy girl. (Fun quiz) |
Kep421 | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 10:16 am     *blinks....corny? |
Allietex | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 10:25 pm     I read a really funny joke a number of years ago. An American lady flew back from a trip to Europe and checked her expensive prize winning dog through in the baggage compartment where pets rode. As the dog was being unloaded, one of the baggage handlers noticed the dog was dead. He called his boss and he called his boss and the story was quickly relayed up the chain of command until it reached the president of the airline. The president ever aware of public relations was horrified. How could they allow this story to get out. The airline had let a passenger's beloved (and horribly expensive) pet die. He called a trouble shooter for the airline and asked for a solution. The trouble shooter suggested that they find a replacement for the dog and not tell the passenger. The passenger was told that the dog had accidently been routed to another city and would be returned shortly. Then the trouble shooter spent the night searching high and low for another dog that looked exactly like the one that died. After hours of searching and at a great expense they found one. The president of the airline himself delivered the dog to the passenger. He handed the dog to the astonished passenger, who promptly fainted. When she finally was roused, she said, "Sir, I am greatful for the trouble you went to, but this is not my dog." The president, with a sinking feeling assured her that it was indeed her dog and asked why she thought it wasn't. "Because, Sir," she responded, "My dog died in Europe. I was bringing him home for burial." |
Surfgirl | Friday, November 21, 2003 - 12:11 am     OK I made this Thread for all who are feeling blue.. I think there is probally alot of us out there that are pretty sad right now..Poor Poor Rupert.. So here is a lame a@@ joke I made up (please forgive..lol) What is Black and White and Red all over..The reward challenge puzzle with ..Jons and Lils And Burtons blood all over it!! I Warned you it was lame LOL |
Caycaye | Friday, November 21, 2003 - 12:16 am     Good TRY Surfgirl!! It made me chuckle...just for the EFFORT you put in!!! LOL |
Enigma2 | Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 01:17 am     O.K. Surfgirl: Someone once said: The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to look your best. |
Catfat | Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 09:43 am     OK, here is an oldie but a goodie: The answer is--Sis, Boom, Baa The question is--What sounds does a sheep make when it explodes? |
Kep421 | Sunday, November 30, 2003 - 04:00 pm     *falls over laffin!!! |
Dogdoc | Wednesday, December 03, 2003 - 01:09 pm     Ok, here is something I thought was funny. I was standing with some friends at a party when the song with the lyrics "Just call me angel in the morning, angel, just touch me cheek before you leave me baby." One person said that she was at a party when that song came on and a girl (who thought she had the right words) was singing along "Just call me angel in the morning,angel, just brush my teeth before you leave me baby." Try to get that image out of your head! |
Kep421 | Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 05:26 am     I heard this on the radio yesterday morning and the announcers were talking as tho it was an actual event..it made me laugh soooo hard!! Apparently male wild turkeys "attract" female wild turkeys by digging a hole for the unsuspecting love object. When the female falls into the hole, the male uses his large imposing wings to sweep dirt over the female until she becomes imobilized and submits. Well a guy walking in the woods (the announcers speculated that he was a hunter) and fell into a turkey love trap. The male turkey then began to "sweep" dirt over the guy to the point where he was buried deeply...up to his neck!! The man was hollering and shouting for help and finally the fire rescue squad arrived to help dig him out. It seems the firemen were having a difficult time digging him out as they were plagued by unrelenting giggles and one very pissed off amorous male turkey!! Well the conversation with the morning show people rapidly deteriorated to the point where I was in tears... On a side note, on Thanksgiving Day I was driving my son home from my daughter's house and we happened upon a wild turkey standing next to the road...this turkey didn't shy from the traffic and was just standing there...watching the cars go by. I told my son...Now that's attitude!!! It was almost like the turkey was saying.."Yeah...that's right...its thanksgiving and I'm a turkey...WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT???" |
Seamonkey | Friday, December 05, 2003 - 12:06 am     I just got this in email.. In the future: Ordering a Pizza! Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..." Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order." Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45- 54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir." Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: " What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it" Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?" Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn." Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "How do you know I'm riding a bike?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it." Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop." Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics." |
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