Lex's Survivor Column
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Lex's Survivor Column
Jkm | Wednesday, September 24, 2003 - 01:28 pm     September 14, 2003 Lex: ‘Survivor Pearl Islands’ promises to be full of surprises Strap yourselves in kiddies, and block off your Thursday nights,because reality television’s kingpin Mark Burnett will be rolling out the seventh season of his adventure game show juggernaut this Thursday night when "Survivor Pearl Islands" premieres. Can you believe that in the past two years, CBS has actually aired five seasons of "Survivor"? It’s nice to know somebody out there is lighting up fine Cuban cigars with Ben Franklins. After a four-month recess since "Survivor Amazon," we’re off to Panama and we’ll once again have something we can all talk about around the ol’ water cooler or at our favorite local eatery. We’ll be able to cheer on a fresh group of competitors and jeer a new crop of chuckleheads, all while living island life vicariously through the characters we relate to. The theme this season is pirates! Aaarrgghh! It’s going to take every ounce of my self-control not to go off on a swashbuckling spree of piratey jokes and puns. But just between you and me, I’d give my right arm to see Jeff Probst, "Survivor’s" no-nonsense host, preside overtribal council wearing an eye-patch and sporting a hook. They could even train his little parrot sidekick to snuff out the landlubbers torches. The rumor mill is already buzzing like mad about the twists and tricks "Survivor" puppetmaster Burnett will be unleashing on these 16 unsuspecting victims. And in recent interviews, both Burnett and Probst made it crystal clear that this season will be all about surprises. I can almost hear the two of them now ... sadistically guffawing and wringing their hands together, like mustachioed villains from an old-time movie. Already we know that episode one will find our castaways flung overboard with nothing but the clothes on their backs, providing a shipwreck-style scenario straight out of "Poseidon Adventure," where evening-gowned sophisticates consorted with common riff raff to stay alive. It seems these poor suckers in Panama won’t even get to bring a luxury item along for the ride. But to be frank, having gotten a few sneak peeks into "Survivor Pearl Islands," it doesn’t look like this crew will be wanting for very much. Each tribe (named Morgan and Drake, after — you guessed it — pirates) will have their own islands — a "Survivor" first. And from what I’ve seen, these isles look like little slices of paradise you’d deliberately choose to be marooned on. The vegetation is lush and colorful, the water is a beautiful aqua-marine, straight out of "Blue Lagoon," and the previews for the season premiere already showed images of "Survivors" chowing down on huge fish and oysters. But as I know too well, the environment is only one of many challenges that must be endured and beaten to go far in the game. Surviving and outlasting your fellow cast mates is the real challenge, and by the looks of this misfit crew, there’ll never be a shortage of drama in the Pearl Islands. A few standouts on the cast so far are: RUPERT BONEHAM, a 39 year-old troubled teen mentor (and mountain of a man) from Indianapolis. This guy is going to entertain us; he looks like a cartoon character and has whoop ass written all over him. I give him good odds in the game too — he seems genuine, tough and likeable. And rumor has it that a Yeti-like creature has been repeatedly spotted by locals in Panama, indicating that Rupert went far in the game. JON DALTON, a 29-year-old art consultant from Danville, Va. Already Jon is shaping up to be the guy we’ll love to hate. This egomaniacal, self-professed ladies man is 100 percent pure jackass. In one of his CBS pre-show interviews he said, "I want to be the first "Survivor" to have sex on the island. I’m looking for a ménage a trois, or cuatro, or cinco. Well, I don’t speak French — I just kiss it." What a moron. DARRAH JOHNSON, a hot 22-year-old mortician from Mississippi. Need Isay more? OK, I will add that her audition video featured footage of Darrah popping out of a coffin wearing a leopard print bikini, as well as scenes of her hunting deer with a rifle in full camo. She professes not only to be "a certified mortician, but also a certified ass-kicker." Wow. Other notable characters include Ryan Shoulders, a goofy punk-rock produce clerk from Tennessee; Trish Dunn, a married sales executive from Maryland and mother of 9-year-old twins; and Christa Hastie, a terminally chatty computer programmer from Los Angeles who says she "sees the world in code, and dreams about infinite loops." And with the Bay Area’s Ryan Opray, an electrician from Los Gatos, and Burton Roberts, a marketing exec from San Francisco, we may even have some quasi-locals to root for. If you just can’t wait for Thursday to meet the new cast, just clickety-click your way to www.cbs.com and select the "Survivor" link. Not only can you get a glimpse at the new folks’ mug shots, but the Web site also features biographies, short interview video clips for each cast member and their individual audition tapes that got them on theshow. If you’ve got a few minutes and you want a good laugh, check them out. By the way, I wanted to thank all you readers who responded to my informal survey last column. Based on your feedback I’ll be taking a temporary break from the Skinny to give you the blow-by-blow on "Survivor Pearl Islands." One thing you should know is that in writing this Survivor column, I’ll basically be taking a bullet for you guys. Truth is, at the end of each season, I get to meet all of the cast members (since we all make up one big dysfunctional family) and the first thing out of their mouths is often, "Hey, about your weekly ‘Survivor’ column..." Yes, they read. You can just imagine the damage control I need to do after a season of my brand of heavy clowning. So to all 16 of you cats out there in Panama playing the ultimate game, best of luck. Lex van den Berghe was a "Survivor Africa" contestant. Contact him at lex@santa-cruz.com. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You can find this story online at: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/archive/2003/September/14/style/stories/02style.htm |
Kaili | Wednesday, September 24, 2003 - 08:45 pm     Yay! Lex is at it again! thank you for posting this!!! |
Kalekona | Friday, September 26, 2003 - 12:36 pm     I loved Lex! |
Chiparock | Sunday, September 28, 2003 - 12:56 am     I wasn't thrilled with Lex in Survivor Africa, but love his columns. He's witty and insightful; I enjoy reading his viewpoint of Survivor people, places and things. Thanks for sharing this article, Jkm. |
Pamy | Sunday, September 28, 2003 - 11:10 am     I agree Chip! Thanks for posting the article Jkm!! Will you post them each week for us lazy people?? |
Jkm | Tuesday, September 30, 2003 - 09:57 am     September 28, 2003 Lex van den Berghe: The Skinny Ahoy, scallywags, ‘Peral Island’is delivering We’re only two weeks into the season, and "Survivor: Pearl Islands" is already delivering. Last week’s season premiere was terrifically entertaining — and with its decidedly light-hearted tone, it looked like this "Survivor" was shaping up to be more fun than hardcore. But tribal life in Panama heated up this week — big time. And not because of food or wildlife or the climate — nope, it was all about the people. Since I’ll be covering the first two weeks of "Survivor: Pearl Islands," why don’t I start with a brief list of episode one highlights and observations: I loved the market-day launch into the game. It was a perfect combination of "Survivor" and "Amazing Race," and took me right back to my goat-trading days back at Wamba in Africa. I felt for those 16 shell-shocked greenhorns. Let me tell you, being dropped in the middle of a small village, without command of the local language, and then being told you need to perform certain tasks — that’s the ultimate culture shock. Add to that the stress of opening game day and you have the perfect recipe for wickedly good entertainment. Rupert "Blackbeard" Boneham made a phenomenal showing. His decision to plunder the personal effects of his opponents and use them for barter was so perfect it almost seemed scripted. (Hmmm, wonder if ol’ Rupert was nudged by a clever producer?) Speaking of Rupert, I have to say I’ve never known another "Survivor" from any season who was so universally popular with EVERYONE after just one episode. Rupert is truly beloved — by ALL demographics. I just returned from a trip to Canada (the ultimate "Survivor" fan base), and Blackbeard was the hands-down fave there too. And me? Well, I’m driving the Rupert bandwagon. The 15 others on this cast live in his huge shadow, and I’m sure more than a few of them are not digging being eclipsed by his larger than life personality and popularity ratings. I’ll bet that if they knew on the island, what they know now, he’d have been the first voted off. OK, what’s up with the identical Ken-doll beefcake dudes of the Drake tribe? I call it the two-headed Shawn/Burton beast. These guy sare indistinguishable — like Twinkies, two in a pack. The only way I can tell them apart is that Burton has more chest hair than Shawn (oh, and Shawn seems hell-bent on acting like a complete imbecile most of the time). Jon Dalton, a.k.a. "Jonny Fairplay" (a nickname dating back to his days as an amateur wrestling promoter) can’t distinguish on the beach from on-stage and entertains/tortures his tribe mates by rapid firing crude wisecracks like a potty-mouthed Woody Woodpecker. Tribe Drake’s self-appointed court jester is not exactly getting rave reviews from his tribe mates either — it seems his sophomoric comedic stylings have already gone stale, and I’m expecting to see Jeff Probst hitting a giant gong at the next tribal council to signal Jonny Nitwit’s ejection from the Pearl islands. I won’t spend too much time talking about the immunity challenge last week, except to say it was brutal, as is always the tradition for each season’s first challenge. Drake kicked Morgan’s ass, and as if a crushing defeat wasn’t humiliating enough, three of the four Morgan men decided to compete in their birthday suits. (Note of advice to the naked man trio: Don’t hold your breath for the Jenna & Heidi deal.) This week’s episode OK, on to this week. The drama kicked in, and the thin veneer of social propriety peeled away, revealing people’s true colors. Some came out looking good. After all, cream usually rises to the top. But that said, dookie also drops to the bottom. Osten, the ultra-ripped African-American, decided only four days into his Survivor adventure that he was done, and he wanted to go home. It seems he’s chilly, can’t sleep, and is afraid of catching a cold. HUH?! Would you like a mint on your pillow perhaps? If this crybaby doesn’t find a little courage and grit soon, he’ll end up being the very first "Survivor" EVER to quit the game. Andrew has shown us that simply being unanimously elected leader doesn’t necessarily mean you’re qualified for the job. He’s been an absolute failure as Morgan’s top dog, missing every opportunity to boost morale and strengthen his team. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was deliberately sabotaging his tribe. The food situation this season is enough to make a "Survivor Africa" alumni go postal on CBS. This cast seems to be gorging themselves on pounds of fresh fish daily. I literally sprayed my TV set with a mouthful of beer when I heard Rupert announce that he was "full" and could "eat no more." WHAT?! I suppose there’ll be pie-eating challenges for immunity next. The Morgan tribe suffered another two devastating losses this week in both the reward and immunity challenges. In an interesting twist this season, Jeff Probst announced that each reward challenge victory granted the winning tribe the right to pillage one item from the opposing tribe. Not shy about kicking their rivals when they’re down, Drake sent the feisty Sandra over to Morgan’s camp to collect the only valuable item Team Morgan managed to buy at the market — the tarp that made up most of their shelter. This blow to morale was more than they could handle, and certainly contributed to their immunity challenge defeat and second trip to tribal council. My boy Ryan Shoulders, the offbeat produce clerk from Tennessee, was sent packing this week thanks to a tribe of spineless dullards who blindly followed the lead of King Andrew and Osten "the Quitter." When they cut what they considered to be the weakest link from their ranks, the Morgan tribe couldn’t see that what Ryan lacked in bulk or brute strength, he more than made up for in spirit, enthusiasm and a positive attitude. Ryan certainly deserves to still be in the game far more than Osten,who’s spent half the time crying about how much he wants out. Things don’t look so good for Lillian now, the Boy Scout leader who was Ryan’s only ally in the game, and she could go next. So far the Drake and Morgan tribes have proven themselves to be textbook examples of the functional and dysfunctional tribe. The folks of Team Morgan seem to be making every possible error imaginable while Drake plays a perfect game. But the game of "Survivor" can change completely overnight, and roles sometimes flip flop. With three consecutive defeats, the Morgan tribe is taking on water fast but they still have a fighting chance, and if any of them want a shot at the million doubloons they’d better startdoing a little pillaging and plundering of their own. Contact Lex van den Berghe at lex@santa-cruz.com. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You can find this story online at: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/archive/2003/September/28/style/stories/02style.htm |
Prisonerno6 | Tuesday, September 30, 2003 - 10:12 am     " It seems he’s chilly, can’t sleep, and is afraid of catching a cold. HUH?! Would you like a mint on your pillow perhaps?" BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *giggle* *snort* *guffaw* |
Kaili | Tuesday, September 30, 2003 - 10:18 am     Ahhh... I was never a Lex fan, but the guy writes a funny column! |
Twiggyish | Tuesday, September 30, 2003 - 04:21 pm     smooches to Lex!!! |
Lorry | Wednesday, October 01, 2003 - 08:10 am     I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Lex. My son is a "skin artist" and Lex is a walking canvas... have to love that Lex! Great column Lex... right on the money! |
Jkm | Tuesday, October 14, 2003 - 07:56 am     October 5, 2003 Lex: ‘Survivor’s’ Morgan tribe maintains perfect losing streak Shiver me timbers ... the battle for dominance in the Pearl Islands raged on this week, and once again the Morgan tribe found themselves a step closer to the end of the plank. After three episodes, Morgan has maintained a perfect record ... of losing. Two more consecutive defeats and they will have broken "Survivor’s" all-time record of losingest tribe (the Maraamu tribe lost the first six challenges in Marquesas). Morgan seems hell-bent on taking that long one-way trip down to Davy Jones’ Locker and it’ll take a miracle to get them out of the mess they’ve made of their game. I’d suggest a mutiny, except that there’s nobody left on the crew that I really care about anymore, and I’d almost rather see the whole ship go down, dragging all of these scurvy dogs with it. Since the lion’s share of our entertainment so far has come from watching the Morgan tribe nosedive into oblivion, I figured it’d only be fair to feature them in this week’s column. Let’s take a closer look at this sad tribe’s surviving members: Andrew Andrew, the 40 year-old attorney from Chicago, was once thein-house counsel for The Jerry Springer Show. Morgan’s delusional commander-in-chief, King Andrew, has consistently made one bonehead mistake after another, orchestrating the ejection of the tribe’s most valuable members while tenaciously protecting crybaby Osten the Quitter. Judging from his ludicrous leadership skills, Andrew seems to be full of as much baloney as the trashy TV show he once represented. If any one person is to blame for Morgan’s currently pathetic situation, it’s Andrew. And does anybody else out there find themselves cracking up when he shows up to challenges and tribal councils, shirtless, wearing the Armani sport coat? Osten Osten, the 27 year-old equity trade manager from Boston, has the Charles Atlas body. Seriously, what the hell is this guy still doing on the show? With all his whining and complaining, I’d have no choice but to send this dumb-ass to time out...the BIG time out. For a guy who days ago was begging to get out of the game, he sure does rally and talk a lot of trash about the folks he’d like voted out. One word: QUITTER. Ryan Ryan O. is the 31 year-old electrician from Los Gatos. If I was Ryan, I’d be more selective of who I run with, because the friends you keep will either lift you up or bring you down, and down is the only direction these simpletons have been traveling. Ryan has adopted the role of King Andrew’s lieutenant, or more accurately yes-man, and he seems to spend as much time hiding behind Andrew’s skivvies as Osten does. Before I continue, a quick sidenote...Morgan’s men are oddly like the three stooges. Andrew is Moe, Ryan is Larry, and Osten is Shemp. (None of them are worthy of Curly...he was God.) Darrah Darrah is the 22 year-old mortician from Mississippi. Darrah, Darrah, Darrah...I had such high hopes for you. What happened to the girl in your audition video? You were supposed to be this season’s ass-whoopin’ firecracker with a smart mouth. There’s no doubt you’re a hot lil’ mink, but beyond that you’ve turned out to be a dim bulb. Do your tribe mates even notice that you’re there? Get out from under that radar and start kicking some ass, or next week’s ballots at tribal council will all read: "that cute girl...what’s her name?" Tijuana Tijuana is the 27 year-old pharmaceutical sales rep from St. Louis. She seems to be the only Morgan remaining with any common sense or play left in her. She’s managed to stay off the Three Stooges’ radar, and yet still speak her mind. I’d love to see her jump ship and sneak over to the Drake camp. The challenges this week were clever tests of each tribe’s ability to work together as a team, and it came as no surprise that Drake swept the competition again. The reward challenge had each tribe split up in four dinghys (two per tribe), and on Jeff’s signal they were to try and sink the other tribe’s boats. First tribe to sink both opponents’ boats won a stack of pillows, blankets and a mattress, along with a trip the loser’s camp to pillage the item of their choice. Osten fought like a man possessed by bloodlust and revenge, and in the process lost all control and sense, sinking his own dinghy in a fit of competitive rage...definitely the highlight of the challenge. As each little Morgan boat sank in slow motion, you could almost hear the sad sound of taps being played by a lonely bugle in the distance. One other scene that stuck out this week, was the shouting match between Jonny Jackass and Sandra. I’m waiting for these two to engage in a Battle Royale. You know that when this fight goes down, it’ll be a gloves-off, knock down drag out brawl...and my money’s on Sandra all the way. Jonny Dorkdog jinxed all chances of going far when he announced, "Sandra’s days are numbered, and I’ve got a mil’ that says she won’t be the final one." This week’s episode made it seem like losing the tribe’s last fishhook is what sealed Lill’s doom, but I think it had a lot more to do with her being the outsider. I think Lillian’ game-ending blunder was the fact that she decided to go fishing alone rather than take someone along. In my opinion, she still had a good chance to do a little lobbying and relationship building, with King Andrew perhaps, and might’ve saved her skin if she hadn’t lost her fighting spirit. Tribal council was a crack up this week. Jeff Probst badgered everyone about the sorry state of Morgan and like ostriches with their heads stuck in the sand, they each responded with absurdities like "we’re a tribe unified" or "we’re still strong." In a prophetic coincidence that reeked of foreshadowing, tribal council ended with Jeff Probst having to snuff Lill’s torch TWICE — it seems the sucker just wouldn’t go out. Hmmm...could this be a clue fingering the rumored pre-jury loser who wins the opportunity to come back into the game after the merge and resume playing? Contact Lex van den Berghe at lex@santa-cruz.com. |
Jkm | Monday, October 20, 2003 - 07:43 am     October 19, 2003 Lex: So far, ‘Survivor’ is all about Rupert I had my doubts that "Survivor" could maintain its pace this season of delivering kick-ass episode after another — god knows the first four were primo entertainment — but this week the action fizzled more than flashed. That said, last week’s shocking change-up, which resulted in Rupert getting shanghaied to Morgan, was certainly a hard episode to follow and anything was bound to fall short of that fireworks display. By the way, sorry I missed y’all last week, I was honeymooning in Kauai (finally, 12 years after the wedding). In addition to the Rupert-napping, here’s my quick list of last week’s highlights: Osten nearly drowns in the kiddie lagoon. The real punch line was that no one made any real effort to rush out and help him. Advertisement Advanced Rupert sews himself a new skirt. It wasn’t the fact that Rupert was making himself a dress that made this so funny though. After enduring constant heckling from jock-boys Burton and Shawn about his functional mini-sarong (OK, man-skirt), Rupert just sat there at his antique sewing machine quietly mumbling about all the ways he was going to kill them. I can’t wait to see this Indiana powder keg explode! Jeff Probst almost loses his cool at tribal council Probst takes his tribal council VERY SERIOUSLY — I should know, I’ve been there more than once. Going to tribal council always reminded me of being a kid and going to Catholic Church, except this church had a gallows. Drake’s first visit to tribal council featured a smug and insolent (and liquored) Jonny Jerkdog flashing gang-signs at the camera. Probst was so pissed off he was almost shaking, and you could plainly see that he would’ve given almost anything to strangle the life out of Jon with his own hands. Episode five saw Morgan obliterating its loser’s curse (I wish the Red Sox could’ve done the same) and taking both the reward and immunity challenge victories. But it was definitely the beloved Rupert who was this week’s spotlighted attraction. Rupert, Rupert, Rupert We got to see the many faces of Rupert: Rupert the diplomat, Rupert the powerbroker, Rupert the strategist, Rupert the fisherman. In fact, with Rupert a member of both the Drake and Morgan tribes this week, it was a guarantee that every single scene would feature ole Blackbeard. Rupert hit the Morgan tribe like a reality wake-up call. No sooner had he’d seen their camp, than he had them all scrambling to rebuild it in a sensible area that wouldn’t wash away with the next high tide. It’s unbelievable to me that not one of these clowns in Morgan had the sense to build shelter on higher ground... it’s a simple lesson we all learned as kids the first time our sand castles were washed away by the sea. Fate of Morgan But even with flagrant, hard reality smacking them in the face, not everyone in Morgan liked the idea of busting a sweat in order to save their sorry little hovel. Osten the Quitter transformed into Osten the Lazy, as he bellyached about moving the shelter. He then transformed again into Osten the Fraidy-cat as he whined about the scary snakes that lived in the jungle where their new shelter was being built. All seemed forgiven though when Rupert went off on a spear-fishing expedition and returned with fresh fish for everyone. OK, quick time-out... were any of you as stunned as me that after two solid weeks of downtime (all while starving to death), Morgan had never figured out how to use their fishing spear? Un-flipping-believable. A shrewd strategy After Morgan’s decisive victory in the reward challenge (seemingly thanks in large part again to Rupert), Probst offered Rupert the choice of enjoying Morgan’s reward (a warm shower) before rejoining Drake, or going straight back to his old tribe. Ever the shrewd strategist, he opted to skip on the shower and go back to his "family." When King Andrew showed up to loot Drake of one prized possession, Rupert’s diplomatic skills resulted in Andrew walking away with only a small bag of Drake’s rice, rather than all of it, which was his right to take. Clearly these guys are thinking ahead to the merger, but they’re taking big risks by being so obvious about it. ‘Survivor’ gross out For the most part, "Survivor" consistently rises above the glut of cheap-shot reality TV drivel that sullies the airwaves, but this week’s immunity challenge was an unfortunate fall from grace. Drake and Morgan found themselves sitting at the "Survivor Smoothie Bar", a Fear Factor-style gross food challenge, where spins of the Wheel of Torture determined what flavor "milk shake" each competitor had to choke down. Probst threw dry heave-inducing ingredients like sardine, octopus, blood clams, seawater and squid into a blender and turned it all into brown mud. The survivors sucked their offensive malts down valiantly, and it was down to a timed, sudden death tie-breaker between Sandra and Darrah. In a photo finish, Darrah got the last bit down first, and Morgan sent Drake off to their second tribal council in a row. The rallying and deal-making back at Drake before tribal council was feverish, and Rupert was taking meetings with nearly everyone. Even Michelle, who felt most vulnerable, pitched Rupert on keeping her around. She presented her case to him in broken sentences that were constantly interrupted by bouts of puking, brought on by the recent immunity challenge. Rupert the Kindhearted comforted sick Michelle and listened patiently. When all was said and done though, tribal council resulted in Michelle’s banishment from Drake in a unanimous six-vote decision. Biggest threat Rupert may now be bathing in the glow of success and popularity (both on the island and with viewing audiences at home), but he needs to be super careful now. Anyone at this point can see that he’s become a monumental threat to everyone — it’s become so obvious it’s almost funny. And I think the only reason Probst hasn’t outed him in tribal council, as he so often does with alpha players, is that he knows Rupert is good TV, and it would hurt the show to have him voted out this early. It’s no mystery that the time-tested "under-the-radar" strategy worked well for so many "Survivor" alumni in the past, but I think Rupert has developed the new "blatant-in-your-face-ON-the-radar" strategy. Let’s hope this entertaining tactical deviation works for him or he may soon become the late, great Rupert... living on in pirate lore, sailor’s songs and our memories. Contact Lex van den Berghe at lex@santa-cruz.com. |
Jkm | Monday, October 27, 2003 - 05:46 am     October 26, 2003 Lex Van Den Berghe: The Skinny Competition reaches the boiling point on ‘Survivor’ Gloves have come off and the thin veneer of social propriety is quickly melting away as our castaways jockey for position in the Pearl Islands. Even Trish, a character who’s been all but absent to this point, made a power play for control of the game. But her decision to come out of hiding proved fatal, and as soon as she’d stuck her head out of her hole, it was abruptly lopped off. The 10 remaining players, now 18 days into the game, know they’ve hit the halfway point, and this is when the simmering cauldron of competition heats up to a heavy boil. And with Drake’s Trish now out of the running, it’ll be anybody’s game as the tribes prepare to merge. They’ll be going in even, with five players each. Or will it be? Advertisement Thursday’s sneak peek at next week’s episode prophesied a big twist — possibly THE big twist of the game — and you could see the look of surprise and terror on everyone’s faces when Jeff Probst announced, "Your past has come back to haunt you." It all but confirmed rumors that a past booted player (or players) will return to the game. If this is true, it could throw a king-sized monkey wrench into everyone’s plans of making it to the final two. OK, let’s rewind to the beginning of this week’s episode and do a little recapping. Episode six opened with a touching scene of Rupert enjoying a nighttime chat with the one friend and ally he can trust in this game: Balboa, his pet snake. Sadly, a quick cut to the next morning found Balboa taking the big dirt nap, and Rupert alone lamenting the loss. Now, understand that these poor suckers have been living on their tiny islands for over two weeks now under pretty grim conditions, getting on each other’s nerves and ever-aware of the plotting all around them. It’s no wonder folks start adopting pets for a little "real" company. Even Morgan acquired a mascot this week, as Pelican Pete threw in his bid to become the sixth member of their tribe. Ryan’s best friend As far as I’m concerned, our own Bay Area rep Ryan O.’s stock definitely went up this week, as we became privy to what I believe is the genuine Ryan: A sensitive, nice guy with a good sense of humor and a soft spot for our animal friends. I loved watching Ryan shadow box the pelican and pal around with him on the beach. It looked like the beginning of classic buddy film, and I waited for slow-mo shots of the two of them enjoying one ice cream sundae with two spoons to the theme song of "Courtship of Eddie’s Father." "People let me tell you ‘bout my best friend ..." And while Ryan’s stock rose, Osten’s likeability rating continued to plummet, as he sharpened his machete and mumbled about plans to kill Ryan’s new little friend. It seems that in addition to mosquitoes and snakes, Osten is also scared of birdies. Life as a Drake We saw that life at the Drake house has become anything but harmonious. For one thing, they’re all being devoured alive by sand mites and mosquitoes, and their scarred up bodies and faces are beginning to look like a horror show. We also witnessed another whopper of a feud between Shawn and "Jonny Lastword" over whether or not the floor of their shelter should be raised. Now I may be alone in my opinion, but I have to say that I was definitely in Jon’s corner on this one. And it seemed that most of his tribe mates were as well — Sandra, who seems to hold even more power in this game than Rupert, made it clear that she backed Jon 100 percent. Let’s talk for a moment about the infamous "Jonny Gang-sign," because like him or not, this guy is quite the contradiction. Us naive viewers at home have only seen the despicably unsavory little worm who loves to mouth off and seems hell-bent on getting voted off the island. But don’t forget, Jon has successfully survived three tribal councils and has NEVER gotten even a single vote. There’s obviously much more to "Jonny Foulplay" that we’re not seeing — thanks to creative editing, I’m sure. All that aside, I have to say I’m beginning to love the Jon character. This guy is such a car wreck, I find myself anticipating Jon scenes and the promise of delicious melodrama that come with them. "Survivor’s" never had a character quite like him. His gall and brazen rudeness is pure punk rock. You can’t deny he’s great TV — anything that get’s you out of your easy chair and shouting at the television set is great TV. Lacking challenge I don’t have too much to say about the challenges this week — they were a bit lackluster in delivery. The reward challenge sounded killer when described — survivors fire REAL ole fashioned cannons at targets — but watching this in action was BORING. Drake took the victory, winning a surf ‘n turf BBQ package plus the opportunity to loot Morgan. The immunity challenge was a test of brute strength, and Drake’s Christa kicked ass, outperforming some of the bigger men-folk. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough to keep Drake from being sent to their third consecutive tribal council. In the hours just before tribal council, devious minds plotted and players schemed. Trish lobbied Jon and Sandra, hoping to lead a coup against a seemingly unstoppable Rupert. It might’ve been a brilliant twist if this mutiny had succeeded, but Sandra decided to pull a few strings herself, and finked to Rupert. It was a ballsy but risky play, and one that could either lose or win this game for Sandra. Council Tribal council was top shelf, jaw-dropping entertainment. The Drakes answered Jeff’s questions with such candor and fearless arrogance that I’d swear truth serum had been slipped in their water before the hike to tribal council. But the best thing about tribal council by far was watching the look of smug confidence on Jon’s face turn to shock and disbelief when Trish, not Rupert, got the boot. I’ll bet you the million he peed his pants on that one, and he knows his days are now numbered. Contact Lex at svreeken@santa-cruz.com. |
Lorry | Monday, October 27, 2003 - 06:00 am     As always, a concise, well written summary of our favorite pirates. One thing I have to mention is how Jon has become the "survivor you love to hate". The guy is great tv, and you simply can't take that away from him. A huge round of applause for Lex!!!! An equally huge round of applause for JKM who has been kind enough to post Lex's column for us. Thanks so much JKM. |
Catfat | Monday, October 27, 2003 - 08:38 am     When Lex was on his "Survivor" show, I liked him. I like his tattoos, his stuck up hair, his intelligence, his gung-ho-ness (is that a word?). He played the best game by far and nearly won except that he got so sick near the end. |
Jkm | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 07:17 am     Hmmm... no column from Lex since the October 26th one.... Could the rumors be true? Is he one of the chosen for the ALL Star Survivor?? |
Kaili | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 07:24 am     Hmmm...good thinking! I didn't even consider the columns as a clue. I think you're on to something. Good for him. |
Wargod | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 08:39 am     Woo Hoo!!!! Go Lex!!!!! |
Tabbyking | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 01:46 pm     i 'liked' lex on survivor for the same reasons i liked boston robb and brandon and jon and ghandia...i really don't like them and that's why they are good for the show. once the 'colorful' ones are gone, even if i thought i wanted 'em gone, the show becomes pretty boring! i wanted osten gone, but i have to admit i miss the 'hunk body vs. wimp attitude'; it was entertaining! when lex was on the african survivor, i didn't mind lex's tattoos, i just thought he was brash and rude. but would i watch him on an all-star survivor? you bet your butt! next up, we need an all-wuss survivor, with osten, brandon, diane, jan, nicole, heidi....made up of those who had no business being on survivor and those who were voted off so early in the game we don't know how they might have faired down the line. i'll bet you are right and lex is with the allstar group... |
Puzzled | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 03:41 pm     Tabbyking--LOL--great idea. An all-wuss survivor would be hilarious. |
Lauram | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 04:10 pm     Tabby: I might agree with you that in Africa Lex was a bit psycho, but I have since heard him on the local radio a lot and find him to be a very intelligent warm and caring person. I will look forward to seeing which persona comes forward in all-stars!! |
Texasdeb | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 04:21 pm     I'm glad to see Lex got invited back for the All-Stars. |
Kappy | Friday, November 21, 2003 - 07:30 pm     Thanks, JKM, for posting these columns! Lex was one who grew on me, especially when they intereacted with the locals. He was rough around the edges but had a good heart and alot of compassion. So I, for one, am really glad to see him playing in yet another Survivor. |
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