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Missy2
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:12 pm
Hello this is a spin off from my flirting impaired topic. I've been thinking about men and women being friends. I don't think heterosexual men and women can -truly- be just friends. BUT wait I don't think that its totally impossible but I do think its a very rare instance. I think that the majority of people who want to be "just friends" are pining over the other party! I remember back in high school I used the just-friends-ploy to attract a guy. He wanted nothing to do with me so I said fine lets just be friends. He was like okay whatever, but after one of his friends showed an interest in his new female friend he was suddenly intrigued. Of course that was years ago and I was a teenager. But since I've been out of the dating / relationship scene for so long I'm clueless about the opposite sex and dating. So I might be WAY off base. But it just seems like whenever men and women decide to be just friends there is always someone secretly thinking: okay this will be a great starting point for our relationship that I would like to turn romantic!! What are your thoughts and / or experiences with this?
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Pamy
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:19 pm
I have many male friends that I treasure! I have 2 that have been like my brothers for over 30 years! HI CAS!!!
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Danzdol
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:22 pm
Hmm that depends....HEre are my 2 cents: Men and women can be friends if they do not find each other attractive. IF you can admit that your "friend" is attractive then the possibility is there for a "hook up" at any given time...a breakup, on the rebound, a drunken night, boredom....etc....
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Missy2
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:26 pm
haha!
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Mocha
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:30 pm
I have more male friends than female friends. And there's nothing even remotely romantic about it and some of them are attactive but I don't even think of possibly hooking up with any of them. But I also believe it is good to start off as friends first before taking things to the romantic level.
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Missy2
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:39 pm
I guess the reason why I'm so clueless is because I have no friends. Neither male or female so the entire topic is....foreign to me!! You know what they say, in order to have friends you have to be a friend. I think I'm missing that gene. Hopefully with time I will learn -
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Wargod
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:46 pm
Ditto everything Mocha said, lol. I've always had more male friends than female friends. Back in high school I used to go out with them, but there was nothing close to romantic about it anymore than there would have been if I was going out with a girl friend. Two of my closest friends are guys I met when I started kindergarten. I never had much in common with girls my own age, and it was more fun to hang out with the guys. Only once did I have a friendship with a guy turn romantic and I've been married to him for 7 and a half years, lol. I can honestly say that the first 7 years, we were nothing more than best friends, and no thoughts of hooking up. And while we did end up getting married and having children, I would not change those first 7 years of being friends. So yep, I think men and women can be friends without getting romantically involved.
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Hippyt
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:52 pm
I have always gotten along better as friends with men,as opposed to women.Not sure,why I just like being one of the guys I guess. Just wait til we get to Vegas,Pamy and Mocha,we'll all get in a huge catfight! LOL
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Mocha
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:55 pm
Probably, lol.
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Heyltslori
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:58 pm
I KNOW that men and women can be friends. Like a lot of the other ladies that have posted, most of my closest and dearest friends are men. And they're hot too! 
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Pamy
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 5:02 pm
Bill would pay to see it!!! I wouldn't say I have more guy friends than girl friends. Being an only child I have always had many friends, maybe to make up for not having siblings. I am also still friends with many that I have known since Jr high school. I think the big question here is why doesn't Missy have friends??? That is awful! Everyone needs friends
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Kimmo
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 5:04 pm
Yes, men and women can definitely be friends, my best friend in college was male and I thought of him as my long-lost brother! It is true I thought I was attracted to him at first but his continued insistence that I was just not his type, and just getting to know him made me realize we were not each other's type and would just be friends. If I had just stopped seeing him after I realized he didn't "like" me back, I would have lost out on a good friend. Of course, DH is of the exact opposite mind, as is everyone he knows. The few times I have gotten to see my friend (we live in different cities), I've been treated as if I were cheating on DH-- Blah. There might not be anything more insulting than having your fidelity questioned just because you are going out with a male friend. Though it is true I would be mad if DH saw any of his old female friends-- But only because I know what DH thinks about "men and women being unable to be friends" so obviously he has never had a female friend just to truly only be friends! Ugh.
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Denecee
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 5:46 pm
Most of my friends are women but most of my husbands friends are women too. Probably because my friends are his friends too. I do think it is very hard to be just friends to someone of the oppisite sex when one has a thing for the other.
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Neko
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 5:52 pm
I have a quite few guy friends, one of my best friends was a guy.. We've sort of drifted apart this year but I still consider him a really good friend. Though, alot of people thought we were going out because we hung out so much. So yeah, I totally think guys and girls can be just friends, but only if both do not find the other attractive... If that makes sense. :P
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Tess
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 6:59 pm
I have very dear friends who are male and while they are very attractive, there is nothing that would change the fact that I'm married for life. My husband has many female friends and same thing. They are friends and not potential future romantic entanglements. I see no earthly reason why men and women cannot be friends and have it stay on that level.
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Karuuna
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 7:06 pm
I think you can be just friends with anyone. I have male friends who are happily married, male friends who are single, male friends who are gay. And the same with my female friends. Because you find someone attractive doesn't mean you have to act on it. You can channel that 'attraction energy' into friendship, if you choose to. Marriage is not a promise or guarantee that you won't ever be attracted to anyone else, it is a promise that you won't act on that attraction. As for the single guys, it can get comnplicated when they want to 'act" and you don't, or vice versa. You just have to be clear about what you want, and what you don't, and say so. Admittedly that's not always so easy!
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Twiggyish
| Friday, January 23, 2004 - 7:10 pm
Totally 100% agreeing with Tess. As I have said many times TRUST is important.
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Fabnsab
| Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 2:13 am
I think it is different when you're married with male friends. When you're single and younger, having a best friend of the opposite sex in nearly impossible. People are always assuming you'll get together, you start doing "couple" things, he becomes your male figure in life. Lines tend to get blurred. Its like a pressure that society puts on you and you give into it because you start to wonder yourself. I lived through this. We went from the age of 12-20 without things getting weird and then one day, bam, lines got crossed. I never thought it was possible but it happened and ruined our friendship for years. Now I am 30 and married and he is 32, girlfriend and 2 kids and we just picked up our friendship where we left it. There is no hidden anything anymore. There are certain jealousies still but not of the romantic nature. Its more like" hey, I always did that for you" type of stuff. We are fulfilled by other people now so we can just hang out and be fine.
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Eliz87
| Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 7:49 am
Absolutely yes. I've always had a majority of male friends.
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Costacat
| Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 9:08 am
Oh definitely. Yes, I've had many very close (very platonic) male friends. Yes, there has been an attraction and mild flirting. But mostly, just close friendship. I value those as much as I value the close friendships of my women friends.
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Deesandy
| Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 9:31 am
Pamy, I would love to talk to you about being an only child and if you feel as if you are missing something by not having siblings. I am at a point in my life where I have to decide if I will have a second child or not. I do believe that men and woman can indeed be friends. I also believe that everything in life has a sexual undertone to it, mainly because we life in a society that is slow to bring the subject to the table. I am sure that male and female friendships have at least considered what it would be like to hook up. I have maintained friendships with my ex husband and three ex boyfriends via email. Life is too short not to have friends!
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Ladytex
| Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 9:36 pm
Many of my best friends are males. In fact, I met my dh through a couple of my good male friends. I don't know why, but I've always found it easier to be friends with guys than girls.
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Tabbyking
| Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 9:43 pm
dear pamy, i have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. i enjoyed most every minute of being one of seven! being an only child would be okay, but i think i would love to have at least one sibling. the good thing about having so many siblings is if i was mad at one of them, i would just turn around and find another one at my disposal! LOL deesandy, there are a lot of advantages to being an 'only', but i couldn't imagine it myself! of course, my dad was one of 10 and his dad one of 14, so there were a lot of cousins around, too, for holidays. so maybe being an only is not too bad if there are lots of cousins! i think 4 years is considered the 'ideal' span between kids, although i don't know why! so, if you are considering another baby, you have another year or so to decide for sure.
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Urgrace
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 12:48 am
Like Karuuna I've had many different types of male friends through the years, but men don't stay in touch with you if you move out of state like women friends do. Moving away changes the dynamics. My male friends would be exactly the same and the friendship would pick up where it left off if we saw each other again. Women friends are more edgy and nervous after a long time apart milewise, even if you have kept in touch. Deesandy, my youngest son was seven, ten, and eleven years younger than his siblings. He told me when he got married that he was hopeful to have more than one child, and that his children would be close in age, because he felt like an only child growing up and didn't want it to be like that for his children. He now has two children, 3 1/2 and almost 2, and they are very close in their sibling relationship. My best (female) friend's only daughter wants three children. Having an only child is not a bad thing, but a child with a sibling has a friend for life.
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Egbok
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 1:49 am
Yes, I believe men and women can be friends. I've had two good males friends in my life so far. One died about 20 years ago and he was one of my very best friends who I met during the middle school years. When he died, I had known him half my life. The other is still around and he's more like my brother. I've known him since high school days. I don't see him that often but when he needs to talk, I'm there for him.
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Gidget
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 11:47 am
Missy2 you have friends... what do you call us? For the record my online friends are every bit as important to me as my offline friends and sometimes the two cross over. I tend to get along better with men in real life because I am not very girlie. I have no idea if any of them think of me as a romantic partner because I have been married for the last 20 years and most of them know my husband too. But since I have been separated I know I have not been romantically interested in any of them. So in my opinion, yes men and woman can be friends without sexual attraction.
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Pamy
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 12:47 pm
Deesandy...I loved being only child. Like I said I always had many close friends so I was never lonely. I also had the best parents and my Mom was like my playmate. I was never bored. My parents were only children, and my son is an only child(although he does have an older step brother that visits). I find that I need alone time at least once a day and am noticing my son is same way. Especially when he comes home from a weekend visit with his friends. My son asked for a brother a couple times. I let him spend weekend at his stepbrothers house(where there are 6 kids) ...he never asked again! LOL Tabby loved having siblings and I loved being only child...so I guess God gives us what is best for us. Hope that helps!
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Mocha
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 1:02 pm
I actually hated being an only child. I am one for my mom but not my dad. I have a younger brother but there's a large gap in our ages. I had friends growing up but it wasn't the same as having someone there for life. Both of my parents have siblings. I think my being an only child made me not want to ever be alone which has shaped some things and how I've dealt with things in my life. But I also have trouble making close friends in rl. I actually hate doing things alone or going places alone. Lol, I used to want to have a ton of kids until I went thru childbirth twice. But there are days that I wish for an empty quiet house, lol.
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Gidget
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 1:13 pm
I am an only child too and I am somewhere between Pamy and Mocha about it. The only two serious relationships in my life were with men who came from big families... guess I was over compensating. I am good at being alone but not having been blessed with children of my own is the hardest thing I bear. When my parents are gone that is all that is left of my family ties. I am not all that close to my extended family and I am losing my married family. Poor me. Can I bring a thread down or what?!?
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Karuuna
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 1:53 pm
I"m not an only child, but my son is. For the most part he does okay, and I think we're likely closer because of it. But it probably would work better if we lived in a more densely populated neighborhood with kids his age, so playmates were more readily available. The only kids his age live at least a mile or more away, which means when he's hungry for company we have to go get them or have their parents drive them over. There are things I remember fondly about my brother, and how he looked out for me (he's now deceased); but for the most part I think good friends also fill that role well. But he has several good close friends, and the nice thing (for me) is they usually go home when they really get on each other's nerves. 
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Eliz87
| Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 2:10 pm
I was okay with being an only child until I got married and started having children and my mom passed away. Now it's just my dad from "my side" of the family and it's pretty lonely, and of course he's not going to be around forever. I would like to have a brother or sister to call up or visit, and to be around during the holidays. Of course I have my "new" family, but it's just not the same.
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Zules
| Monday, January 26, 2004 - 11:31 am
I am living proof that it is entirely possible for heterosexual men and women to truly be friends. Almost all my friends are men. In fact, at my wedding, I even had men of honor. Certainly, I find some of them attractive, as some of them find me attractive. But I don't feel like I have to jump on everyone I find good looking. I think the reason for my having more male than female friends is that, like Gidget, I am just not a girlie girl. I don't like to shop, do my hair, put on makeup, etc. I also don't like watching sports. So, most of the men I am friends with tend to be more the intellectual or artistic type than the jock type. G-d bless 'em, they're wonderful friends!
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Colossus
| Monday, January 26, 2004 - 10:31 pm
obviously I am confounded. Speechless to the next decimal...
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Colossus
| Monday, January 26, 2004 - 10:32 pm
moderators. Thank You
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