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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 3:18 pm
yep, i can't talk to the advisor...i can send 14k a year and send my child off to them, but it's all 'none of my business'. it's scary to hear your child (i don't care if he is legally an adult) mention suicide. when i got him calmed down, he said he probably really wouldn't, but i'm just having a terrible time of it. my son has never been a quitter and if he knows he HAS to drop this class to get his life back on track, he HAS to be able to drop this class.
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Sillycalimomma
Member
11-18-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 3:19 pm
(((((((((Tabby))))))))))) I can feel your sons pressure myself. I am in college and I can get absolutly crazy sometimes from all of the pressure. I am worried that your son has stated that his pressure makes him suicidal though hon. I know that when you are 18 and in his situation the stress can take over. Don't be affraid to voice your concerns for his health and sanity. To this advisor he may just be another student, another file in another year on the job. To you, he is your son. Your everything. He will still need your protection at 50 years of age as he did at five and as he does now at 18. ((((((((((((TABBY AND SON)))))))))))))))) I really hope it all works out and ds gets a break...soon!
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-22-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 3:24 pm
Tabby, I got involved with my dd's situation at Parson's when she was over 18. I called on the phone and showed up in person. And they listened. (Hers was not an academic problem but a problem with one of her instructors.) It sounds to me as if ds has chosen the wrong school. Perhaps he needs to be in a smaller school. Community college courses could give him the prerequisite knowledge he needs. Or it just may be that he needs to take time off school and really think about what he wants to do. Personally, I think running directly from high school to college is a big mistake for many kids. Real life without an education is the best teacher of all for many kids.
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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 3:51 pm
i emailed his dorm counselor the other night when my ds mentioned killing himself. i also called and left a message the next morning, begging him to look my son up if my son didn't come to him. luckily, my son went to him, because the counselor told me he could not share the details of any meetings he had with a student and could only give the student guidance if the student approached him. i believe he has chosen the wrong school within the school for sure. he is in the college of engineering, and our small town high school where he got a 4.0 and ran track and was on the student council, etc., obviously did not have the level of classes that would take him right into a college course and have it be merely challenging, not defeating. part of all of our thinking was it would cost us almost the same for community college as a 4-year state university because he will have to live in either of two towns an hour from us to go to community college full-time. we have mostly 2-lane roads with tomato trucks 4 summer months of the year and horrible fog during the winter months. his friends who commute end up taking only one or two classes a semester. one friend took the entire semester and got caught in the fog for the day of the final. he walked into the class 20 minutes late and the instructor told him he was done. the final was 50% of the class. the kid failed. anyway, i guess we will use the same money to pay for my son to live away from home but close enough to come home when he needs a home visit but take more manageable classes, if he doesn't get his major changed where he is now. you are right that many kids have a shock when they head off to college. perhaps if son had gone 'undeclared', rather than EE. part of it was his entire bio family is made up of engineers. however, even grandpop admits they didn't even have computers when he graduated Penn in the 50's. everything is harder today and grandpop got all C's his first year of college. well, i am going to try not to stress, but it's not easy.
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Lumbele
Member
12-07-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 4:42 pm
(((Tabby & DS))), every parent of adult children knows what you are talking about. Stepping back and letting them fight their own battles is tough. Hang in there!
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-22-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 5:05 pm
IMO, when children mention killing themselves (even if just in jest or frustration) you can't just leave it alone. You've got to get involved. It is a plea for help--the kid is drowning and doesn't know how to help himself. (Although, Tabby, talking to his dorm counselor sure showed he had it together enough to take this very positive step. So something you said must have gotten through.) You're a great mom for worrying about him and wanting to help. I still worry and mine are much older than yours! I have to tell you that that the worrying never ends. When my kids call moaning about something, I try to help by listening quietly. (Very difficult for me, but I am learning.) When asked, I brainstorm with them to come up with alternative solutions. What happens? My dd typically immediately pooh poohs whatever I suggest and my ds immediately rejects everything outright. But every now and then, each actually admits that just having someone LISTEN who they know loves them helped tremendously. (I do not decide anything FOR them--they're too old for that and wouldn't let me, anyway! But my words (and my dh's) do help color their thinking and help them re-examine their plight/anger/decisions. Tabby, I hope your ds continues to let you in. 18 is VERY, VERY young. Remember things you did back then?? Age does not equal maturity. I think separate counseling might help, too. It would help him put things into perspective and help him better identify his goals/needs.
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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 5:27 pm
well, i was different! i took my mom to court as unfit when i was 17 and lived on my own when i was senior in high school. but i was very mature (and legal age was still 21 at the time; i was an 'emancipated adult'). ds and i had a pretty good talk. he has to go to the counseling session tomorrow to get a medical note that he finds this class 'stressful'. if the advisor still won't let him drop the class, he is just not going to put worry and effort into it to earn an "f". he wants to get good grades in his other subjects. he is sure he is done at the end of this quarter, no matter what route the advisor sends him down. academic probation or administrative probation--neither is very good. she was not hot to let him change majors, either. so son is talking of coming home in 6 weeks when the quarter ends. he will either live at home until august, working as full-time as he can, then move to modesto and go to community college; or he will move to modesto shortly after he gets back here and room with friends who are already going to school there, and get full-time employment over there for the several months before school starts. he asked if i still loved him, and i almost cried on the phone. i love him unconditionally! we're just going to be taking a different academic route than we once planned. he is not looking forward to seeing the advisor gal again tomorrow, but he is putting that worry aside this afternoon to study for his english and calc tests. he has the class he wants to drop in a couple of hours and has to give the prof a note to drop. if the advisor doesn't end up letting him drop, the prof will dislike my ds even more knowing he wanted out! i am feeling a little better for my son's mental health, at least. not sure how mine is, though! one thing made him feel good today: the english essay he didn't even get to til last night, and which was due this morning was given to a 'peer grader' who told him, "you write wonderfully!" i know he is really good at some things. we just need to get him past the 'i am a failure', so he can go on and be happy and do well in life. we are going to deal with this. he will still get an education. it will just be via a different route.
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Sillycalimomma
Member
11-18-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 5:40 pm
Hiya again Tabby! I am right there with you on the living on own from a young age. I have lived on my own since I was 16 and had my daughter a few months shy of my 17th birthday. I am a youngin still, but doing well considering. I think anyhow. In a it of debt and just now finishing my AA degree, but hey...baby steps. You seem to have it all in perspective. I don't know if the school your son goes to allows this or not, but I ended up in a similar situation a few semesters back and took an F on a course. I took it again last semester when life wasn't as hectic and my other courses were not as hard and was able to get the F switched off my transcripts. I believe you are only allowed to do that on certain courses though and only once or twice in your college career-so I dunno Anyway, I am glad that you took your sons feelings seriously. People often here the term "suicide" and freak out, but sometimes it is just a way to let those around know how very deep in the mud you are feeling-you may not actually mean that you are really considering suicide, just that you are in way over your head and need some help NOW. I have noticed that it sure is nice to have dreams and plans for your future, but to always remember that life loves to throw bumps in your plans and (for me anyway) life has yet to go as planned. It is great to know that you seem to understand that and are trying to teach it to your son as well. Things may not be going as planned, but nothing is set in stone and nothing is wrong with taking a little more time to get things right.....good luck to you both!
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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 6:27 pm
thank you all for your commiseration and good thoughts. we'll get through this.
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-22-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 7:02 pm
I think you've got it together, Tabby. Good for you. Your character and unconditional love is a model for him. Just knowing you are there for him through the good and bad--allows him to salvage his self-esteem and will give him the courage to try again. And that means when he is a father and goes through something like this with his son or daughter, you will have taught him that an F doesn't mean the end of the world or the end of a dream. Silly is right, nothing is set in stone, and there is time for him to get things right.
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Twiggyish
Member
09-15-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 7:15 pm
Tabby, I think you did the right thing, too.
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Teachmichigan
Member
07-22-2001
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 7:46 pm
Tabby, So glad to hear you and DS have an "action plan." His counselor sounds like more of a paper pusher than an "advisor." At the uni I went to, our advisor couldn't prevent us from dropping classes (at least w/in a certain time period). Uni policy said if you dropped by "x" date, you got full refund...no repercussions. After a certain date, you lost money on the deal, but again...an advisor's "approval" was not necessary. I wish there were some way for DS to be able "transfer" this policy to his school! Give him extra hugs ...and extra hugs for you too ((((((((TABBY)))))))
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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 8:17 pm
there is a dorm counselor (male) and an electrical engineering department advisor (female). the advisor is the really horrid one, who is married to one of the professors. we met her last summer during advising weekend and took an instant dislike to her. we hoped we would never have to deal with her one on one! she truly wore an evening gown to a mid-morning talk in an auditorium. when we went for lunch, we all were standing in line. she came out of nowhere and went to the head of the line. the student told her they weren't opening the doors for 10 more minutes and she basically told him to 'stuff it' and swept in. he told us after she passed by that he had been in electrical engineering and when he wanted to transfer out, she had made his life hell. well, he was right! thank you all for the hugs. hubby is giving me grief right now. he thinks ds should just somehow learn this class he is totally lost in and depressed over and pull it off. aaargh......this from a guy who barely graduated high school. he wants so much for the kids, because he didn'thave it. but he doesn't know when to back off sometimes.
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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 8:19 pm
oh, hubby's big complaint is that son won't be a fulltime student for a few months so he won't have medical coverage. i am wondering why not, if he is changing from a quarter plan to a semester plan and has to wait for the next semester opening, which will be in june for the summer session. hmmmm.....
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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 9:19 pm
well, my ds called and was happy with his professor when he asked him to release him from the class. the teacher put 'too soon to tell, but struggling' on the "how is student progressing" section and 'perfect' on "attendance and participation". he wished my son luck in whatever he goes to. he asked what ds might be interested in and when ds said, 'political science', the prof told him he would probably be good at it and to do what he felt was right. ds said he was much more human when ds was leaving the class than he was as a teacher!
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Abby7
Member
04-08-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 9:29 pm
tabbyking: i just read your posts. my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. i've followed your posts...about your son on his way to college. i hope everything gets better soon.
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Reader234
Member
08-13-2000
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 9:38 pm
TAbby, I just learned from a friend that we can get some kind of form for our boys to sign that gives us the "right" to talk to counselors etc. Its not a power of attorny, but similiar. When I find out more, I'll let you know, but in the meantime as you make calls to your sons school, maybe someone there knows... apparently its aform the colleges have, but are reluctant to inform us measly parents about!! (The students have to sign it, and it doesnt give us the right to change their classes, or housing, or food contracts, but helps in discussing medical situations, counselors etc.. for example, my son had to have an MRI on his knee from an injury in the school sport, technically they were not allowed to tell me that the doctor saw him, but Nathan waved the confidential agreement to my dh, so the doctor could converse on his prognosis!! But apparently there is a standard form for school also!!)
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Meme9
Member
03-06-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 9:49 pm
Tabby our hearts break for our kids when they have problems. Hang in there. Just keep telling him how much you love him. Something I tell myself, is the old saying "this to shall pass" over and over again. And it will. It's just while your in the moment, that it seems like it won't.
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-22-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 9:53 pm
Hip, Hip Hooray!!! I am so happy for him and you (and your dh)! Thank goodness. Your ds WILL make it. He learned--by the skin of his teeth-- how to navigate over this difficult bump, so he will handle the next bump (and there will be a next bump of some kind) a little better. Does that mean he will just continue as is at this school, but without that one class? Will he have enough credits to be a full-time student? Or will he change his major? Does he just want to take polisci as a fill-in for that one course? Or is he contemplating changing his major to polisci? If you meant he was considering changing his major to polisci, I am opening my big mouth to caution you and him against it. I hope someone who majored in this field will pipe up and tell me I am all wet. I am just concerned about his future with a degree in that major. Teaching is most likely the route he'd have to take. Not well paid. But, what do I know? Get your son to talk to counselors about what he can DO with the major (whatever it is) after he graduates. Your son should understand as much about that as possible before he finalizes his choice of a major. Have him take an interest test at college. And have him ask about occupational demand projections for any of those fields where he tests well (interest-wise). The next semester, he could take a sampling of courses: one polisci, one economics and one marketing class, for example--to see which interests him. If he decides to come home and do as you mentioned before, that is good, too. Both my kids did that, and when they started school, there was no stopping them. They were hungry for their education! Good luck and so relieved for you!!!}
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Tabbyking
Member
10-06-2002
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 9:56 pm
thank you, all! meme, oh yes, do i ever love my kids! but sometimes it hurts so much! reader, that reminds me of hearing doctor dean edell recently. when his son was in college, he had to have an emergency appendectomy. when edell called to see how he was, they wouldn't tell him. the kid was 18 and even if dad was a famous radio doctor, they couldn't give him any info! abby, yep, not too long back we were driving son to school. part of me feels embarrassment for him--when he leaves school in mid-march, all the other guys will see him moving out. but he is not worried about it at all. he said, "mom, the guys that are my friends will still be my friends and the others, i don't care about." i just want my son to know he is very smart and capable. he is not a failure. and, oh, he is truly and totally loved!
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Landi
Member
08-25-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 10:37 pm
herck... you're all wet! i have a minor in political science with my concentration on constitutional theory. it is a fascinating subject!
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Landi
Member
08-25-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 10:54 pm
you can go into broadcasting... or as a reporter for a newspaper... or a magazine writer... or a lobbyist... there are lots of fields!
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-22-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 11:14 pm
Thanks, landi (finally remembered that small 'l'!!) I know, I know it is fascinating! No problem with that. Journalist, well yes--depending how well he writes. Lobbyist, yes. But he'll need to build his connections with a party and become active in politics. You have a masters, I'll bet. But, okay. I give, I give!
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Landi
Member
08-25-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 11:35 pm
masters in business 2 bachelors in business - one in marketing the other in personnel management 2 minors - political science and mass communications 3 associates degrees - one in history, one in kinesiology, one in early childhood education
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Sunrvrose
Member
06-08-2003
| Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 11:49 pm
Tabby, I feel badly for you and ds. Going to San Luis Obispo isn't like going to Berkley or UCLA, tho. If your son is interested in poly sci, he couldn't be in a better environment. There are so so many bright, active, compassionate people in the San Luis area. Tell him to look around, go to Farmer's market on Thursday night and check out the little booths that are put up for activities. Tell him to stay away from the partiers and drinkers, there are plenty of those too. He is probably feeling a bit culture shocked, but nothing like going to a big city. He is probably scared. If he truely insists on dropping out of Cal Poly, have him look into Cuesta. It is a wonderful comm college that specializes in preparing students for Cal Poly. If he insists on leaving in March, maybe consider having him get a job in SLO till June, do a few summer classes at Cuesta, and either go back to Poly in Fall or stay at Cuesta for another semester. There are so many students in both colleges from the San Joaquine (heck, cant remember how to spell that) Valley. He can join some of the aggi groups and find lots of peers. Although Cal Poly is regarded very highly as an Engineering School, it is also well recognized for it's Ag and Journalism programs. Instinct tells me he is scared and wants to go back to his comfort zone. Sometimes when people do that, they never break out of it. But from what I read, he is only 18 (right) maybe he is too young, mentally, for this pressure without mom and dad there for a safety net. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. He may need to leave the nest in a little smaller steps. Just make sure that he doesn't come home and give up.
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