Cyber Romance - Is It Cheating?
MoveCloseDeleteAdmin

TV ClubHouse: Archive: Cyber Romance - Is It Cheating?
 SubtopicMsgs  Last Updated
Archive through November 02, 2003 25   11/02 10:53am

Crossfire

Sunday, November 02, 2003 - 10:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh, sorry, I was using colourful language there. The full term 'shoulder surfing'. Think of it as observing someone use a computer from behind.

I'd like to say I'm not a jealous person as well, it is such a horrible feeling and is so deeply negative, but I can be when it is warranted<-I'd like to stress that point, when warranted, I don't consider myself to be tragically insecure or anything. I thought I should come clean on that as it no doubt influences my opinion.

The other thing I wanted to add, was that different things work for different people, so my opinion should not be construed as an attempt to make rules for the rest of the world or assign blame. Just my personal opinion on what works for me.

March

Monday, November 03, 2003 - 11:10 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I have to say I would consider it cheating if it is something you are hiding from your SO.
As other have said if your DH walked in and looked over your shoulder and saw what you typing would you be OK with what he saw?

Gidget

Monday, November 03, 2003 - 12:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I was thinking more about this last night. Different items from this thread have been running around in my subconscious. I have a problem with the correlation between "something I wouldn't want my SO other to see" and "cheating".

I do a lot of things my husband has no idea about. Some of them I wouldn't care if he knew and others I would prefer not to share. None of them are sexual in nature. Although I am married there are parts of me that are just about me and always will be.

I can think of a good example many of you will probably relate to. I write my thoughts, feelings, perceptions in a journal. There is no way I would want my husband to see my journal because it is so deeply private. I could talk about it but not have him read it.

There is no easy answer here but so far I have come to this conclusion. Cyber-sex can be hurtful to ones mate and thus is wrong in the context of a relationship. It is different than viewing porn or fantasizing because there is a give and take between two people. It is not, however, cheating anymore than a night at Chippendale's shoving money in a guy's g-string is. Because it is no more real than that.

Keep in mind I am talking about staying strictly in the realm of fantasy. Not about moving the relationship into the real world. Some of you mentioned people who got divorced because of cyber relationships. I am willing to bet most of those took it offline. If I wanted to cheat on my husband I would not have to go online to do it and neither would he.

There are many levels of sexual fidelity. For the most part, there are societal norms that help most of us define cheating and not cheating. Cyber-sex seems to be in the cheating category by popular opinion. That is today's norm.

But think about activities that would have made grandma and grandpa call it quits. If either of them viewed a nude dancer and shoved money in the dancers crotch, the mate would probably have an apoploxy. Or how about sex before marriage or hiding the absence of virginity. That was huge. There was a time there was no question that was socially unacceptable sexual behavior.

Having spent time in a culture quite different from the US, I can tell you looking at someone of the opposite sex is considered a betrayal in some places. If a man other than a relative put his arm around me in my husband's home town, someone would probably beat the cr@p out of him.

To complicate things even further, two committed people may have a broad idea of what is fidelity within their relationship. But it is not likely that they would ever have an exact meeting of the minds. What I mean is what my husband considers fidelity may not be the same as me. And yet somehow we muddle through.

Angelsluv

Tuesday, November 04, 2003 - 06:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Gads do I hate Dr Phil, gggrrrrrr......

All I know about cyber-relationships and cyber-sex is from my own experiences. I've been in 3 major online relationships, the longest, lasting for 2 years, and one that went from keyboard to bed.

It's a fine line between play and real. There are times that an online relationship is so intense that both involve believe that it is not just a game, and leads to reality.

When two people meet online and aren't just having cyber-sex (or telling lies), and actually converse, you can know someone much more than you can know a person you've been close to face-to-face because when two hearts talk, it's much deeper than anyone knows prior to experiencing it.

Many people think it's a new thing.. It's not.. Think about all those couples who started out as pen-pals during WW1 and WW2 that fell in love by writing to each other.. When the war ended or a soldier came home from the war, they found the one they wrote to, and married...

As far as "Cheating",

If it's cyber-sex, no..

If it's a realtionship, yes but there are many people who innocently find themselves falling in love with someone and you just can't decide who you fall in love with..

Others find online relationships going into a real-life relationship a good way to have an excuse to get divorced, and out of a bad marriage.

On the flip side of that, it seems like 80-90% of all men I've ever met online live in the proverbial "rotten marriage" *LOL*

The only thing I can say about my online past, is that I will never do it again based on sheer heartbreak..

Pbnj

Tuesday, November 04, 2003 - 07:07 am EditMoveDeleteIP
What an interesting thread....haven't read all of the responses (tho I plan to) so I hope I'm not repeating but I really think the brain is the most intense sexual organ. Not to get too graphic here but I hear tell (ahem) that orgasm can be reached easily with no physical contact. I had a telephone relationship that started as a friendship but one thing led to another and before I knew it, I was madly in love with a voice/mind.

I also KNOW many couples split up because of a 'harmless' cyber romance so IMO, it most definitely is cheating...even if you never meet physically. It's taking time and energy away from your relationship. And the pain caused by such a romance is every bit as real as the pain caused by a physical one.

As for where it happens on the net? EVERYWHERE....I was in a political chat room during the 2000 election fiasco and was hit up. That was it for me....I'm too susceptible to intense attention. My marriage deserves my full focus......IMO, it's not cool to carry on with some faceless voice on the net (tho it can be incredibly hot/romantic). I'm sure that eventually most who meet this way want to get together in the real world. So I basically stay out of chatrooms for that reason...because I'm human and maybe a tad gullible :) I'm sure TVCH would be harmless and fun.......are there many hookups here?

One last thing...I know of many online romances that turned into amazing real world relationships so I think it's a great way to get to know someone IF you're available. If you're not, you're playing with fire.

Gidget

Tuesday, November 04, 2003 - 10:33 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Interesting about the penpal relationships Angelsluv. Everything old is new again.

Pbnj your phone experience reminded me of a funny story. When I was in my early 20s I lived with a roommate. We had a regular obscene phone caller. Well talking is not my thing. If I answered the phone he literally begged to talk to my roommie.

I'm really glad people are opening up on this thread. There is not enough realistic, honest dialogue about this subject. And as I suspected come ons are jumping out from all kinds of places.

My DH sells computers as a little side biz. And he sometimes does repair work for good customers. He has at times been privy to other people's computer information. He has never said anything to me about the adults but he has remarked about content he found on more than one teenager's hard drive. Two of the girls in particular are good students and everyone says what great kids they are. Well as far as the net is concerned, they are a little too big for their britches.

As for TVCH hook-ups, I do not know. I usually just drop in for 3 months of BB and disappear again. This is the first year I am really started to get acquainted with others and spending time in other threads. This is a really fun place.

Denecee

Tuesday, November 04, 2003 - 03:05 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Gidget, your story of the obsene phone caller reminds me of mine. I was just a teenager and this guy was making these obsene calls to my personal phone. Well one day my mom's hussy of a friend was there and she gave him her number. They ended up having a fling, scary huh?

Just another short story: My bestfriend had met a guy while on vacation. They exchanged phone #'s but it didn't work out. During one of their phone calls the guy wants to know if she has a friend for his friend. So my little sister ends up getting on the phone to this guy's friend and they talk for hours. After many hours of phone conversation they finally met and 9 yrs later they are happily(??) married with 1 child and 1 on the way.

Colossus

Tuesday, November 04, 2003 - 06:56 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Why go on. Daydreamer said it best two days ago. "If you don't want your SO to know", Then the message from your heart is clear.

Jed245

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 08:22 am EditMoveDeleteIP
It's cheating clear and simple. If you are sending e cards and saying I love you things of that nature. Then how can you not call that cheating?

Cybersex... Well if your seeking sexual gratification with someone other then your partner. Then that is definitely cheating.

Simple flirting and being silly is one thing, but, I love you's, cards, cybersex. That's all cheating.

Consider this... if your mate were telling you that they were in love with a co worker.... that'd be cheating right?

Just because on the net they don't touch doesn't mean they don't feel. Anyone with any time in here at TVCH knows messages online can make you feel.

Just my .02 :o)

Jed.

Mamie316

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 09:15 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Cyber romance is cheating. Using the term romance, to me, is almost worse than the actual sex part. Sex is sex and of course, this would hurt badly to find out about but romance would hurt even more. It's being intimate and sharing and laughing and talking and all those things should be done with your mate not someone else. Intimacy and romance with someone else would really be a blow, on the internet or off.

Denecee

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 01:58 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I guess I didn't answer the question. IMO, cyber romance is cheating.

Tigerfan

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 02:26 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
My SO asked the same thing yesterday,when I told her I joined this site. I reassured her I would never meet someone like her..

Twiggyish

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 02:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Don't worry Tigerfan, you're safe here.

Tigerfan

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 02:50 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thanks Twiggyish...that's what I told her.My previous post sounds cocky when I read it again. I didn't mean it the way it sounds..lol

Twiggyish

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 02:52 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh don't worry about it. I thought what you said was sweet. =)

Gidget

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 04:08 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Tigerfan some of the posters here share the site with their SOs. Maybe she would like to hang out here, too.

Jed245

Friday, November 07, 2003 - 06:53 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Tigerfan, I know what ya meant in your post about your significant other. But, if ya stop and think about it the statement " I reassured her I would never meet someone like her.." Could be taken two ways.

First she is an original and doesn't need to worry because no one else could make you happy.

Then there is the other way to take it. I'll make SURE they are nothing like you!

heh sorry just an odd thought. :o)

Jed.

Tigerfan

Friday, November 07, 2003 - 08:32 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Jed,LOL,I knew it didn't sound right,after I posted it! Gidget,I noticed that too,what I'm afraid of is if she joins and sees how much I've posted just in the last 2 days she's gonna wonder when I get any work done!!(haha)That and we only have f'n dial up at home,(due to where we live)and we get kicked off more than we're on,and it's soooo slow.

Sasman

Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 09:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Before reading the posts in this thread, I would have said categorically NO as to whether cyber_sex is cheating.

Now I would have to qualify my answer. I am a very secure person especially in my marriage. There is not a jealous bone between dw & I. Many of my dearest friends are women and dw is not in the least bothered by this. I am very open about who my friends are and never hide them from her.

I have developed some good friendships here at TVCH and dw is looking forward to meeting them in Mystic next year.

I know where to draw the line; if I would have cyber_sex with one of these friends it would be clear to my 'lover' what my relationship to my wife is like. It would be good harmless fun for the both of us and would never go any further. To me it would just be another form of fantasy.

In fact, I have learned some important things about myself through cyber_friends; I tend to be a respressive person and have been able to un_repress some buried things and as a result my relationship with my wife has been enhanced.

I have been rambling a little but the bottom line for me is that if all the parties involved are mature and have their 'heads on straight' good things can come out of these relationships, so in that case I still don't consider it cheating.

Tabbyking

Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 09:46 am EditMoveDeleteIP
for me to know if it's okay or not, i would think of it this way:
would it bother me if my dh was doing this same 'something' online with someone else? if the feeling i got was of being pissed off or it made me feel jealous, then i would know it wasn't 'right for us'--either dh or myself being the one involved in it.

Tabbyking

Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 09:47 am EditMoveDeleteIP
unless it's colossus and then all bets are off. :)

Mak1

Monday, December 01, 2003 - 08:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Sas, I was just reading your post and I don't think cyber-sex, the way you worded it, is the same as cyber romance (the title of this thread). I think of cyber romance as something on a deeper emotional, more intimate level, something more than just fun between friends. JMHO. It has been interesting to read everyone's opinions here as to what constitutes cheating. As with most threads at TVCH, I've enjoyed the honest, open dialogue and respect for each other's opinions.

Gidget

Tuesday, December 02, 2003 - 10:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Well since I started this thread, let me clarify... I used the term cyber romance as a more delicate way to say cyber sex. Never stopping to thinking there were actually 2 topics. Turns out both are being discussed. So it is just as well.

Mak1

Tuesday, December 02, 2003 - 03:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Ok, it's just me being confused...again, lol! nevermind (said in my best Emily Litella voice)

Goddessatlaw

Tuesday, December 02, 2003 - 04:34 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOLOL Tabby - Colossus is having a long day (7 a.m. to 10 p.m.), but he's seen your posts and he's most humbled (read embarrassed and pleased) to be your new son - he's formulating a few posts for you, and I'm sure your prodigal son will soon come home to roost in your folder.

Regarding cyber-romance. I've said it before in another thread, I think. I don't do anything online (or offline, for that matter) that I wouldn't want Colossus to see or know about. There's a natural suspicion there, though, when you're corresponding with an ex-boyfriend (and I have many who are now good friends). So I let Colossus look in my email whenever he wants to, because I know they're innocent of romantic content and it calms his concerns. Also, I introduced him to this Board so he could participate if he wished, but also so that he could see for himself that there were no flirtations going on. Meeting the group in Texas helped a great deal, too - he could put faces with names and realize that the group with whom I associate here are decent, funny, intelligent and just looking for friendship and conversation.

Anyway, I guess what it comes down to is any violation of intimacy - cyber, verbal, physical - is a violation of intimacy period. SBG was talking about Frankie being upset about that fact that she related her insecurities about weight on the Board before and without being willing to discuss it with him (although she showed him the post). I can absolutely understand both sides of this. The person who most in the world you want to believe when he tells you you're perfect, well - you don't want to persuade him otherwise or tell him something about yourself that might cause him to view you otherwise. On the other hand, SBG, it sounds to me like you got a good one - someone who cares that you share with him good and bad. It's a huge hurdle, trusting your loved one with the whole shebang. If that's what he's looking for, then he's a rare bird SBG and I know it takes some time, but listen to him and I think it will be worth it.

I went through the same thing with Colossus, and some major league fights over it because believe it or not, I am an incredibly closed individual where feelings are concerned. I neither show them nor discuss them with those closest to me (oh, I'll discuss theirs - I just won't discuss mine). Corresponding on this Board has helped me open up a great deal, because I'm able to communicate feelings to people who can accept them and relate to them and provide support, but they're generally not going to be hurt or personally affected by what I have to say. There's a great deal of freedom in that, and I've managed to verbalize feelings I didn't know I had because, well, I didn't discuss them with anyone. And knowing that other people can in fact relate, and do understand, and do accept how I feel without judgment has given me the ability to make the leap in real life (with alot of headbanging from Colossus, who is remarkably free in relating his feelings and doesn't accept my unwillingness to share in the same way).

Please excuse my free association here - back on topic. I think cyber communication can be good or bad, as with anything in this world. If you're writing something you wouldn't want your significant other to know about, then you've set yourself up for one helluva fight, and one where you don't stand on the high ground when they find out. If I found out Colossus was having a cyber-romantic or cyber-sex conversation with someone else, you can betyourass I'd consider it cheating. I grant him the same emotional response. Don't do unto others what you don't want done to you is a good way to summarize my feelings on the subject.

Apriljo

Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 09:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
i say yes..but thats all im gonna say :)

Mack

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 11:07 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Gee GAL....that's really sensitive of a lawyer.


Mack runs to door hoping computer doesn't explode. :-)

Actually, I couldn't agree with you more. Well pull.

Tabbyking

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 11:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
and that's why, when colossus gets adopted by tabby, we are getting a supersized bed so GAL can join us (i wanted to put 'come along with him', but it sounded, well, bad, LOL), and i understand grannyg is also going to be there and i have adopted herckleperckle (sp?) and she may have issues (are those the same as offspring?) or friends to bring along..... we could just have an entire group of bedwetters before you can say, "just jack!". although i tease with colossus, it's mostly an "also-tease" at GAL for how lucky she is. i would never flirt with someone who's SO wasn't also there to read it and know it was innocent. besides GAL's name and my mom's maiden name are the same, so we must be cyber-related.

Goddessatlaw

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 12:18 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Tabby, honey - you missed your chance in chat last night. Colossus tangoed Granny into a corner and put her in a backbend while the other ladies were either duct taped to their chairs or showing the bartender how its done. That was at about the same time Sasman dove in the pickle jar because he found out Cindori doesn't believe in post-marital sex and Lance accused her of being his ex-wife. Anyway, I think Colossus owes you a dance.

Bobbie_552001

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 01:14 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
And to think that I was too tired to go to chat last night...

Sasman

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 01:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
BJ, you missed a great party where your skills would have been put to good use!

Grannyg

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 02:44 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Chat last night was quite an experience. I must say that GAL and Colossus are two of my favorite people and yes I flirt with Colossus because I know GAL can read everything that's said. Besides he is just too cute not to flirt with. Now if GAL wasn't a part of all of this, then I would never say the things I say to BigC. Well, I might because of the "sheer" picture. But we are not having cyber sex. Are we? Well, if we are then, yes I would do it. If we are not, then no I wouldn't. Except for Adven. That's a whole nother story!! LOL