Archive through November 18, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: Ask Adven (ARCHIVE): Archive through November 18, 2003

Sasman

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 02:46 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Why do you think rabbits are rodents?

signed,
friend of rats

Whoami

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 03:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Why are Fanny, Eggie, Weiner and Squared's names being shouted out in pretty colors, and why hasn't anyone shouted out my name like that?

And what is this business of people getting assigned coolness points, and why wasn't I given any points? Forget the fact I don't even know where those points are given out, and that I learned of it by snooping in some dawg's folder.)

Is this all part of that secret clique I remember reading about in the BB threads? And if so, how can I ingratiate myself into it?

Have I asked too many questions? Oh wait, that's a question too. Sign me....

Confused

...edited to add...why are Fanny and Weiner's names not highlighted by the spell-checker, but Eggie and Squared's are?

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 06:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I see there are more lost souls in need of my guidance, so it's time to answer the mail.

Dear HRH:
Thanks for the water wings. They've proven to be very popular. My 4 year old niece is learning to swim and asks to use them constantly. Being the softie I am, I charge her next to nothing to borrow them.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Wink:
Rabbit's ears are impressive and I can understand why they might momentarily cloud your judgement. Just be careful of the two front teeth while snorkelling.
Take care,
Adven

Dear Granny:
Snakes stick out their tongues because they don't have hands and, therefore, can't give anyone the finger.
All the best to you and yours.
Adven

Dear 1/2:
Don't worry about Granny talking about Unit. As long as she isn't swearing with her usual gusto, this phase will pass.
Merry Christmas!
Adven

Dear Startled:
1/2 calls her husband a snake as part of an adult game they like to play as a prelude to ... you know ... making whoopie. She calls him her nasty, nasty snake and he says something about injecting venom. Anyway, I don't have all the details, but you get the idea.
Glad to help and have a Happy Easter.
Adven

Dear Smiley With Wings:
I'm sorry, but in good conscience I can't recommend the Cosmo thread to someone as innocent as Fanny.
Enjoy your Columbus Day!
Adven

Dear sq/fa:
All submissions to the "Ask Adven" thread must be in the form of a question. Had you asked "Fanny??", as opposed to "Fanny!!" I would have been happy to respond.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Adven

Dear Curious:
I was shocked, appalled and horrified by the tips in Square's thread. It was all I could do to visit it 45 times.
Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day and stay away from the green beer.
Adven

Dear Eager Beaver:
Yes he can.
And remember those who gave their lives so we can be free. Don't forget to wear a poppy.
Adven

Dear Sq:
Huh? Or should I say, "el Huh?"
Happy New Year!
Adven

Dear Still Curious:
"Wtf" in Spanish is "wtf". They're very similar, but with a little practice, you'll pick up on the subtle differences.
Have fun with National Beet Week!
Adven

Dear Friend of Rats:
I'm not sure why I think rabbits are rodents. That's my story, though, and I'm sticking with it.
Enjoy your Halloween!
Adven

Dear Confused:
These, indeed, are a lot of questions. Let's see if I can sort through them all and give you the answers you so richly deserve.
1. Do not be envious of those who get their names shouted out in pretty colors. These posters have earned this privilege through long years of dedication to the board. They also pay each other to do it.
2. Coolness is a state of mind and comes from an inner sense of self, not through the assigning of points. That is so high school. BTW, you didn't happen to notice how many points I have, did you?
3. In order to ingratiate yourself into a clique you must first determine who they are snubbing and ignoring. You merely do the same and, pretty soon, they'll be impressed with your good judgement and invite you in.
As for the spell-checker thing, I don't know, but I smell a conspiracy.
And please commemorate Martin Luther King Day.
Adven

Fruitbat

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 09:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Those water wings are for the bunny, my son. His claims of Prince are very real indeed. Now give them back so he and Wink can start their life together.

And as for his knot in the cherry stem, I taught him everything he knows, unless it is bad or too good. In that case he picked it up on the street.

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 10:14 am EditMoveDeleteIP
You want the water wings back? I was just learning how to use them. And my niece was turning into quite a cash cow.

The cherry stem thing was impressive, I must say. Normally a simple knot is enough to astound and mystify. Your son has elevated it to an art form and, if I were him, would take it on the road. Maybe a few small clubs at first and, then, on to Carnegie Hall.

Heyltslori

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 10:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Tastes great? Or less filling?

Signed,
Hey

Sisalou

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 10:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Why are health insurance companies such chicken sh$$, sorry ass mofo's?

Signed,
Chapped Ass

Heyltslori

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 11:02 am EditMoveDeleteIP

Grannyg

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 02:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I can't wait for this next response!! lol

Fanny

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 02:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Are you ready for some football? Some Monday Night Football?

Signed,

Raiders Suck

Ddr1135

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 02:58 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I can't decide what to eat for supper, what do you recommend?

Sincerely,
Starving in LA

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 03:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Hey:
The whole tastes great/less filling question has perplexed - you heard me, perplexed - the great minds of the last century for, oh, about a hundred years. You'd think they'd be more concerned with peace in the Middle East or curing world hunger, but, no, this seems to be what gets under their skin. They obviously don't drink because after a few beer whether something is filling or tastes good is largely irrelevant. As long as it is fermented and doesn't require a stomach pump we usually insist the bartender keep it coming.
Hope this answers your question.
Adven

Dear Chapped Ass:
Like most venerated public institutions, health insurance companies, more commonly known as "health insurance companies", exist in order to make an ungodly sum of money at the expense of the average citizen. We generally accept this as a given and gladly hand over our hard earned cash so that we can later gripe. Unfortunately, health insurance companies prefer to make their money off the misfortune and personal misery of others. Remember, though, that even when they tell you the policy you have paid into for the last few decades doesn't really cover anything beyond a flu shot, that they do it with a professionalism and concern for your welfare that you could almost swear was sincere.
Have a good day!
Adven

Grannyg

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 03:21 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Would you please tell FANNY!!! that she cannot go to another Monday Night Football game? That is where all her troubles start. First down, leads to second down, leads to third down and then its between the sheets!! Always trouble!!

Thanks in advance,
Worried

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 03:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Raiders Suck:
I am, indeed, ready for some football. Some Monday Night football. Unfortunately, it's Tuesday, so I'll be up late waiting for the game.
I should mention, that I have discovered the answer to following football. I only hope for the teams that win. Once they stop producing, I drop them for another team. This strategy has resulted in my team winning the Super Bowl for the last 15 years. I'm on quite a roll.
Take care,
Adven

Dear Starving in LA:
I was watching Fear Factor the other night and they seemed to be enjoying some long-legged cave spiders, despite the crunch and their penchant for exuding some noxious excretion as a defense mechanism. With a little wild rice and a nice bottle of Chianti, they should do the trick. I'll warn you, though, once you've had one you won't want to stop, so hold the dessert.
Bon Appetit!
Adven

Twiggyish

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 03:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Mak1

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 03:34 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
glad i already ate, ewwwwwww

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 03:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
What, you two don't like Chianti?

Twiggyish

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 04:21 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Chianti has that certain Je Ne Sais Quoi...

Do you speak another language besides English?

Signed,
Curious

Jan

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 05:53 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven

Whom should I vote for as winner of Celebrity survivor??

Do you think Bob will pick Estella and then Kelly Jo will be the new Bachelorette in January?

sincerely
addicted to this sh*t

Reader234

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 06:19 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Can you please explain to me why Victoria Secret has a lingerie commercial on prime time tv?

Perplexed

PS Check your folder to see what I mean!

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 06:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Curious:
No, I ain't no good at any language cept English.
Thanks for asking.
Adven

Dear Addicted:
Go with Amber. You heard it here first. She's devoid of any personality whatsoever and is just slightly less interesting than watching paint dry, but I once had the unenviable task of having to defend her as part of a game on a different board. I feel God has included her in the All Star Survivor just for me as a way of rewarding me for the three months of hell the other players (HRH, Wink and Wcv, to name a few of the most notable rabble rousers) put me and poor, mute Amber through.
As for Bob, he's going with Estella, but Kelly Jo won't be the new Bachelorette. She'll just go back to being Kelly Jo. I'm as sure of this as I am that Amber will win the next Survivor.
Sincerely,
Adven

Lancecrossfire

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 06:34 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Adven, do you think of the popularity of curling would increase if Zamboni machines were used instead of those little brooms? Do you think that change would piss off many Canadians, eh?

Signed,
Stone Thrower

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 06:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Perplexed:
I have visited my folder and thank you. Obviously another poor waif in need of adopting.
I'm sorry you had to see that Victoria's Secret show befouling the airways. The rock of public decency is being eroded like stale cake. The nudity, the skimpy skirts, the heaving bosoms ... and not one of them bending over provocatively. It's just not right.
Adven

Adven

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 06:51 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Stone Thrower:
Admittedly, curling lacks the popularity and appeal of many other sports. The reasons for this are twofold: it's stupid as hell and it's mindnumbingly dull. Other than that, it's a pretty good game. Your Zamboni idea would do a lot to enliven it. I'd also suggest setting free a couple of wild tigers in the arena during play and periodically dropping large blocks of cement from the rafters onto the playing surface. This could add an element of tension and drama to the proceedings that it currently lacks.
Thanks for your interest, eh?
Adven

Lancecrossfire

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 07:18 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Adven, you would be a great addition to the Olympic Committee