Archive through December 08, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: Ask Adven (ARCHIVE): Archive through December 08, 2003

Adven

Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 02:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Unsure In Sudbury:
The question is not how much pizza 9 people can eat, but how much beer can they drink. As for the pizza, allow 3 slices per person as one will be a complete glutton and two others with a weight problem will make a big show of only eating one or two slices, fooling no one. The glutton will, unasked, eat their extra slices. This means you will need to order 3 and 3/8ths pizzas.
As for the beer, I'm assuming all are raging alcoholics as that is my experience with most of my social acquaintances. Just have them back the truck up to the door.
Have fun!
Adven

Dear Keeping Me Informed:
I have heard of this great new device for women you speak of and I regret to inform you, that many men are using it in the privacy of their home as well, for purposes that are both unnatural and blasphemous.
Yours in depravity,
Adven

Dear Child-Free in Tennessee:
I'm sorry to hear you have yet another baby shower to attend. I suggest you pick up a complete stranger, do the nasty with him several times and get yourself pregnant, if you'd like a little pay back. As it happens, I'm free Saturday night.
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge,
Adven

Dear Exhausted:
The Holiday season is a busy time for all of us. Well, except me. I just turn off all the lights and throw rocks at carollers.
I suggest you take time to reflect on the true meaning of the Season, tell your family you've got better things to do then spend time with them and enjoy Noel in front of your computer screen.
Felice Navidad!
Adven

Dear Fanny:
Cheerleading is an under appreciated and misunderstood art. Be proud of your skills and newfound talent. And, if you're wearing one of those little costumes and have pom poms, perhaps you'd like to stop by my place and give me a private cheer. I am quite an admirer of the art form.
Leeringly yours,
Adven

Dear Innocent Eggie:
I can, indeed, tell you what that link was about, but because you are both my daughter and an innocent, I refuse. And, young lady, I might add that I forbid you to visit Pamy's folder again. Nothing good can come of it. How do you think I got the way I am?
Protectively Yours,
Adven

Dear Needs More Info:
The dwarf would be there for purely esthetic reasons. To get tossed between sessions, that sort of thing.
Yours in Political Correctness,
Adven

Dear Confused in Cyprus:
First, are you ever coming home? And second, can I have your place the next time you go away?
As for a drawf, he's like a dwarf, except he takes umbrage at being tossed.
Don't drink the water,
Adven

Dear Curious From Cali:
I don't normally indulge and tell, but, yes, I have been busy indulging Fanny. In fact, she's the best indulge I've ever had.
Hope this answers your question,
Adven

Dear Desperate In Sudbury:
To recap, 3 and 3/8ths of a pizza and a beer truck.
Yours In Inebriation,
Adven

Twiggyish

Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 03:07 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,
We're heading into Winter (Christmas) break and I'll have free time then. =)

Love,
Twiggy

Jan

Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 05:56 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven

Just wanted to thank you for your advice. Given that the Pizza place refused to deliver 3 and 3/8 of a pizza, I ordered 4 mediums. I had 4 pieces left!!!!! You are so good!!!!

well you are good at pizza. Unfortunately, not so good at beer. Maybe you could drop over to drink some of the thruckload I have leftover since 9 people drank only 9 beers (I know! Sad, isn't it?. and I drank 3 of those 9!!)

Have a happy night
I sit here trying to type around the cartloads of beers I now have stored in my room!

Overbeered in Sudbury

Mack

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 09:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven

Other than a new vacuum and iron what else should I get my wife for Christmas?

Mad Mack in Texas

Goddessatlaw

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 12:37 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven:

If it's true that no matter where you go, there you are, how can one truly get away from it all? And what about this bird in the hand being worth two in the bush crap? Isn't it better the birds shit in the bush than on your digits? And what self-respecting bird's going to go into the bush anyway, what with a year's worth of tvch barf parked therein? Isn't it more likely that you'd have three birds shitting on your person in the above-referenced scenario? What's fun about that?

Signed,

Perplexed, Perturbed and Pooped

Fanny

Friday, December 05, 2003 - 12:52 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven:

AT GAL'S DISCOURSE I AM AGHAST!
ON BIRDS SHE IS FIXATING!

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL HER TO STOP IT FAST!
OR DO YOU THINK SHE'LL NEED PERSUADING?

Thanks,
Concerned

Ddr1135

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 08:05 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Can you give me some suggestions?

Sincerely,
On the Good List

Bobbie_552001

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 08:29 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven....

Santa also asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I too would like some suggestions.

Sincerely,
On the Bad List

Mocha

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 08:49 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I want to do something different with my hair, any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Mo

Egbok

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 08:54 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I love, love, love, love, love my hair!! I don't need any advice. This just seemed like a good place to stand on my soapbox.

Signed,
Loving Her Hair Eggie

Sasman

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 09:27 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven, do you think this will get mod'ed?

HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY
Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

Signed,
Worried

Ddr1135

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 09:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Is that really how men think?

Signed
Would Explain A Lot

Weinermr

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 10:37 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Ddr,

It may be how SOME men think, but it's not how ALL men think.

Signed,
Not Adven

Fanny

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 10:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Is that how Weinermr thinks?

Signed,
Not Weinermr

Ddr1135

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 10:41 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Weinermr

Bob2112

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 11:17 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Not Weinermr,

It is not how Weinermr thinks.

He is a Raiders fan!

Signed,
Also Not Adven

Adven

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 11:29 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Mad Mack In Texas:
I'd say you are on the right track. A vacuum and iron as a Christmas gift for your wife say so much more than flowers, jewellry or something intimate could ever say. Add a miter saw and a few sheets of drywall and she'll be putty in your arms.
Divorced in Nova Scotia,
Adven

Dear Perplexed....
The bird in a hand being worth two in a bush saying is actually a sexual allegory about a menage a trois and not to be taken literally. Although, "a stitch in time saves nine" isn't and is, therefore, incomprehensible.
Leading a horse to water,
Adven

Dear Concerned:
Although GAL's fixation on birds
Might seem somewhat absurd
It is in fact
A clever tact
To get me to respond to her words
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear On the Good List:
No problem. Ask Santa for a new miter saw and some drywall. And, if you're talking to him, ask him what happened to that BMW I had my heart set on last year.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear On the Bad List:
No problem. Ask Santa for some drywall and a new miter saw. And, if you're talking to him, ask him what happened to that dictatorship of a small Third World country I had my heart set on last year.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Mo:
If you're looking for a new hairstyle, I suggest you do what I do: place a bowl on my head and shave all around it. You heard it here first: the Friar Tuck look is going to be big this year.
Sincerely,
Advento VO5

Dear Loving Her Hair:
I'm so glad to hear you are content with your current hairstyle. Being something of a trend setter myself, I'm guessing either a mullet or the Iroquois look.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Worried:
Thank you for your keen insight into gender relationships. If you ever go on Oprah, however, I might keep that one to myself.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Would Explain a Lot:
Of course all men don't think that way. Just the straight ones.
Merry Christmas!
Adven

Dear Not Weinermr:
Yes. Weinermr is a modern male who recognizes the boorishness in many male attitudes and rejects them. He sees women as partners, companions and equal friends in any relationship and holds them in high esteem. He also recognizes that they outnumber men on this board 10 to 1.
Joyeux Noel!
Adven

Jed245

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 01:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Uhhh I got a question. :o)

If We divert the power from the photon lasers to the dilitium crystals. Will we have enough power to reach warp speed?

-Signed-
Darnit Jim I'm a doctor. :o)

P.S. I'm a Raiders fan too. :o)

Weinermr

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 01:28 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Jed,

Reverse the polarity.

Signed
Not Mr. Spock

Fanny

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 02:18 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Do you think Weinermr and Jed are aware that their beloved Raiders have a dismal 3-10 record today?

Are we allowed two questions in the same post?

Oh wait, I really do have another question. Can I ask it?

Well crap now I'm up to four. Do you know that your Pats have two of my beloved University of Colorado players on the team and that they're both tight ends and I'm talking Christian Fauria and Dan Graham and last year they also had Ben Kelly from CU but they let him go which I thought was a shame because he was one of my all-time favorite CU Buffalos?

Signed,
out-of-breath

Grannyg

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 02:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

If Fanny went to the Bronc's game yesterday, does that mean she had sex on Sunday instead of Monday?

Signed
Wondering

Tater

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 02:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Do you think that if the Raiders had had FANNY for a cheerleader, they would have done better this year, Or maybe had won the Superbowl last year?

Regards,
Looking for an excuse

Tishala

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 03:11 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,
While we are talking about football, can you tell me what has happened to all the Donovan McNabb critics? Have they disappeared or just gone into rehab?

Kisses,
Moi

Adven

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 03:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Darnit It:
Ya cannah be serious! Cap'n, we need more powah!
Sincerely,
Scottie McAdven

Dear Not Mr. Spock:
It is illogical to reverse polarity. If you remember, when we were in the Gamma Quadrant, Stardate 5792, the Klingon ambassador, after consuming vast quantities of Romulan ale, tried to disable the Enterprise with this very move, resulting in diminished capacity for the phaser torpedoes, shields down (as always)and an inability to achieve warp speed. At the same time, a cloaked Bird Of Prey was bearing down on us. As luck would have it, an entity far more intelligent than us, took the form of a scantily clad spacewoman, fell in love with the Captain and while chiding humanity for its penchant for violence, was also confused and enamored by her newfound ability to feel love and compassion brought about by taking human form. It also gave the Captain an opportunity to overact and philosophize in a cheesy manner on what it means to be human. Anyway, the entity/scantily clad spacewomen bought it and she saved us, but the shock of taking human form and feeling human emotions was too much for her, thus giving the Captain another chance to emote philosophically on her death bed.
Anyway, I wouldn't reverse polarity if I was you.
Sincerely,
Mr. Spock

Dear Out of Breath:
The Raiders are not worthy of comment. They are 3-10 and pointing fingers at each other. Only Jerry Rice and Tim Brown keep me from mailing anthrax to the Oakland area.
I was, indeed, aware that Christian Fauria and Dan Graham were CU alumni. Does Colorado have anyone else the Pats could use - besides this Kelly character who obviously couldn't cut it and, therefore, was likely gay.
The Pats are currently kicking butt and taking names. It is not too late to jump on the bandwagon. I, of course, intend to jump off as soon as they lose.
Yours in pigskin Heaven,
Adven

Dear Wondering:
Yes.
Happy Hannakah,
Adven

Dear Looking For An Excuse:
The Raiders are beneath contempt and it makes me itchy just to discuss them. Fanny's cheers might have made a difference, but I suspect even her considerable skills couldn't save them. At best, they would have been 6-7 and had some deranged hope they could make the playoffs. Their betters - and by this I mean the beloved Patriots - would have grabbed them by the ear and forced them to squeal like a pig - so it is best that they fade quietly into the background and watch the playoffs on TV. This, of course, is just my impartial opinion.
Fleece Navi, Dad!
Adven

Fanny

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 03:44 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Do you have any objections to my falling in love with you based purely on your Raiders comments?

Oh, and by the way, Ben Kelly isn't gay and I can attest to that because not only do I have sex on Sundays and Mondays but Saturdays as well?

Love,
Broncos Kicked Some Chief Butts Yesterday