At a loss, for a loss, looking for words...
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: At a loss, for a loss, looking for words...

Julieboo

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 06:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Warning, this is sad. My best friend's mom (age 60) has cancer. She is going to die within days. (She actually has had a lot of illnesses including breast cancer-which she beat, an aneurism, and more).

I am looking for something comforting to send my friend.

To make matters worse, my friend lives in Arizona with her dh and 2 sons ages 2 & 4. Her mom is up here in Illinois and Christmas is literally days away. My friend is coming up here w/out her sons (at least initially). Luckily her sons are too young to know when Christmas really is, so tonight they are celebrating Christmas Even and tomorrow will be Christmas. Then my friend will leave for IL.

How sad is that? And then to possibly have to prepare for a funeral on Christmas?! Uggh. And she is VERY close to her mom. I'm pretty close too.

Anyways, back to my original request, anyone know of a website or a poem or a writing or even a book that might have something comforting/and REAL that I could pass on to her? (By real I want something that actually addresses the death and pain and doesn't just fluff over it in effort to make it less painful--know what I mean?)

Anyways thank you and I do apologize if this post has brought anyone down. Please don't feel the need to console me as right now I just want to console my friend. (as if that is possible!) Thanks.

Serate

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 07:27 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Julieboo tell your friend to cherish what time she has left with her mother. Tell her to talk to her mom, even if her mom isn't concious. In Sept 98 my mom was given less than a week to live. She was on a CPAP and not concious more than a few minutes at a time. When I wasn't by her side all I could do was cry. But for some reason when I was by her all I could do was talk. I talked about memories, I talked about what I wanted to do, I talked about things in my life she didn't know about. I told her I didn't want her to leave me, but it was ok because grandpa, grandma, and my sister were waiting for her and she wouldn't be alone. Even though I still cried when I had to leave her room, there was a peace inside my heart.

Resortgirl

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 07:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Julie,
My good friend lost her mom during the holidays three years ago and I made her a plaque with the following poem. Everyone was so touched that they asked me to make copies of it to hand out at the funeral...
I'm Spending Christmas With Jesus Christ This Year

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
To hear as angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing
For I'm spending Christmas in heaven
And I'm walking with the King.

Author unknown

Lkunkel

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 07:31 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Julie: It's a children's book, but I found myself rereading The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages by Leo Buscaglia after the death of a 17YO family friend.

It made me feel a lot better.

Faerygdds

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 07:37 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Julie... I don't, but I'm sure others here will have the resources you are looking for. I have found that the best thing I can say to a person to help them address thier pain and suffering during a time of great loss is relatively simple.

Something along the lines of... I know this is a very hard thing to go through, but if you need a shoulder, a hug, or just an ear to listen to you, I am here for you.

Sometimes just knowing that you have a good friend to stand by you during such a time makes the person feel less alone and helps them. The reality is that as women we are taught to be strong.... for our parents, for our children, for our friends...

But when something like this happens, all that strentgh just flies right out of the window. We know nothing can "fix" it and make it better. Nothing will EVER be the same again... but just dealing with that and KNOWING that you have good friends who will stand beside you and listen to you miss her for the 1000th time in a month... HELPS.

My advice... just be a good friend... don't try to fix it, just be there... and the rest will follow -- in time!

Texannie

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 08:02 am EditMoveDeleteIP
My mom died unexpectedly a year ago tomorrow. IMHO, Right now, there aren't any words that will give her comfort. She is in shock. Don't give her platitudes. Resortgirl, friends sent me that poem to, but at the time, it was just too soon to be comforting (everyone is different). I totally agree with EVERYTHING Faery said. Just be there. Don't ask her what you can do..she won't know..just do it. Help pick up dry cleaning, people at the airport, make sure that there are enough cups/napkins..help her with all the little details that she will be so overwhelmed by.

Jagger

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 08:08 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Julie I don't have any books or poems but I did find that alot of the places that send flowers also have books that deal with the loss of a loved one.

I know it is really tough losing a loved one right before a holliday, I lost my mom 2 years ago tomorrow, needless to say the family Christmas's aren't the same and probably never will be the same as they were years ago. I just choose to remember the good things and try not to remember the bad, after all, she is in a better place now.

Denecee

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 08:21 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Julieboo, I'm so sorry for your best friend and you. I too, have just found out some really sad news and I am at a loss for words. My Aunt came home from the hospital with hospice. I don't know if she has days, weeks or what. My mom lives with me and I want to be strong for her but I feel sadness. My only wish for my Aunt & your best friend's mom is that they find peace before they go.
Best wishes for you.

Faerygdds

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 08:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Denecee... really sorry to hear that. I'm never really sure which is harder... knowing that they are going, or having them gone. They both feel horrible. :(

Big hugs to you and Julie... we are here for you :)

Pamy

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 04:12 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Denecee...your friend will need you more in a few months...that's when all the cards stop comming, the phone stops ringing, and people rarely visit. That is the time when the numbnes of her loss will start to wear off and she will feel so totally alone. That is the time when you can be there for her.

I know, that happened to me when my mom died.

Lkunkel

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 06:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Pamy: ITA. That was when I needed people: months after the fact when I was supposed to "be over it."

Texannie

Saturday, December 20, 2003 - 07:47 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Most definitely, Pamy. It's the hardest when everyone goes on with their lives and you are still numb wondering how they can do that.

Reader234

Saturday, December 20, 2003 - 08:12 am EditMoveDeleteIP
{{{HUGS}}} dh lost his dad the day before Christmas Eve. It is rough. So of course I thank all of you for your words of comfort now, how hard, how painful this time can be. Be there, sounds simple.

I posted elsewhere, Zach's mom (the boy who died from dd class) made bracelets to give to important females (they had gone to a jewelry making class, and he picked out beads and designed a bracelet for his granmoms, she expanded on it and added a "z" charm) the clasp looked silver with the clasp being that special silver heart shape on one end, the other having a Tbar, that fit inside the heart end... I'm sharing because to me, having something special to remind others of her mom, knowing that her mom will always be remembered...

Julieboo

Saturday, December 20, 2003 - 09:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Thanks everyone. I sit here wondering. The doctor called her yesterday telling her she better come quickly. So she took off yesterday afternoon, getting here about 8pm. Haven't heard from her yet.

Catfat

Sunday, December 21, 2003 - 09:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Julieboo, when everyone else seems to have things under control (casseroles, flowers, extra beds, etc.) be the person who just stands and cries with the bereaved. Don't ask anything, don't give advice, just be there and cry together. She will remember.

Seamonkey

Sunday, December 21, 2003 - 11:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Julie.. also, DON'T be afraid to talk about her mom, now, and even more in the future.. sharing good memories is important or sharing tears. Just let her know that it is ok for her to talk and repeat stories. When other people are thinking, or even telling her to "get over it", be the one who knows that she needs not to just shove it under but be able to mention her mom.

Pamy's right about it being later that someone who is available is very precious, but it is also reassuring when you let her know now (and then follow up).

I'm wracking my brain for the title of an EXCELLENT book I acquired when I was doing hospice volunteering but that was ten years and one move ago and the book is up a set of stairs with some dry rot.. if I get up my nerve I'll try it in daylight.. and if I can find it, I'll pass the title along. She won't need it right away, for the most part, won't even really be processing written stuff for awhile, I'd guess.

Pamy

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 05:16 am EditMoveDeleteIP
ITA Sea! people seem to be afraid to talk about the person that died for fear of upsetting the survivors, when in fact they want to talk about their loved one.

Pamy

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 05:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I think I have that book, Sea. It was given to my mom in the 80's when my Dad died. It is called
'how to survive the loss of a love' by melba colgrove, phd, harold bloomfield, md and peter mcwilliams.