Archive through November 20, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: Ask Adven (ARCHIVE): Archive through November 20, 2003

Egbok

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 07:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I know this person who has tons of reading and tons of studying to do. Why would this person procrastinate? I really....opps!...this person really needs to know. Hurry!

Signed,
Lazy Eggie

Fanny

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 09:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I've always been, err, umm, I have a friend who has forever been a low-maintenance woman. She's tired of this shit and is wondering how she can transform herself into a high-maintenance woman.

Do you have any pointers for my friend? (Not brown ones, though.)

Thanks,
Visions of Sugar Daddies Dancing In Her Head

Egbok

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 09:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
FANNY!!!!

Lostintheglades

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 04:17 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Can I counter sue someone for pain and suffering caused from their suing me because my DD hit the back of their car at the high speed of 15 mph? I mean gees...I have auto insurance...wtf? Could I offer a settlement and give them my DD?

Signed,
Tired of being nice

Adven

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 06:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Lazy Eggie:
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I've just been putting it off.
Procrastination is an unpleasant word. I prefer to see it as taking time out for a period of quiet reflection. So, the next time you miss a deadline or are hopelessly unprepared just tell those concerned that you were contemplating. They'll understand.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Visions:
Being a high maintenance woman is not the laugh riot it might seem to be. Sure, others might call you a b*tch or a sl*t, but other than that, it's a pretty thankless job.
If you are determined, however, the first step is to find a rich old geezer whose very touch makes your skin crawl. Marry him, then screw up your courage and give him a night of mind-blowing sex designed to give him the requisite heart attack.
Cry at his funeral, inherit his money and then hire a pool boy named Raoul.
Good luck with it!
Adven

Dear Tired of Being Nice:
Well, my motto has always been, when in doubt, sue somebody. Unfortunately, since it was your daughter who caused the accident, you can't win. Judges automatically assume that if a young person is involved, then it is only logical that they were at fault.
And don't expect a lot of support from your insurance company. They're too busy jacking rates and finding loopholes in your coverage to get involved in something like this.
As for your daughter, nothing beats a year in a convent for offering a little perspective.
Best Wishes,
Adven

Jed245

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 06:59 am EditMoveDeleteIP
In response to...

*************************************************
Dear Adven,

Are you ready for some football? Some Monday Night Football?

And ....

Dear Raiders Suck..

*************************************************


*Takes fifty cool points away from fanny for signing off as that name*.... well ok it's true this year so *Gives 49 cool points back*

Whoami snooping is kinda cool sometimes so *flips whoami a cool point* To explain everyone is born with about 60 cool points it's up to you to squander them or increase them throughout life.

uhh yeah for pointing out this is "high school" adven gets a cool point. :o)

OH my question...

Why do people say six on one hand half a dozen on the other. I only got five on one hand and half of ten on the other????

signed,

administrator of cool \image {cool}

Ginger1218

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 07:04 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Ok Adven, I am way too lazy to think this one out for myself.

I need at least $100,000. Can you figure out how I can get it within the next 6 months? It doesn't have to be legal either. I have thought about becoming a hit woman, but, it is hard to make good contacts. Please give me advice.

Squaredsc

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 07:09 am EditMoveDeleteIP
dear adven,

is jed taking over your job?

sincerely,

sq.

Jed245

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 07:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
cool sorry I missed my cue for my image and my chance to edit.

Adven

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 07:59 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Administrator of Cool:
The "six of one, half a dozen of another" phrase dates back to prehistoric times when we all had tails. The tail gave us an extra appendage. Speaking of extra appendages, though, you'd think men would say "seven of one, six plus one of another".
Later,
Adven

Dear Ginger:
Well, any wealthy person will tell you the first $100,000 is the hardest - unless they inherited, of course, then running the family fortune into the ground is the hardest.
I'd sell a common household item on e-bay if I was you - a coaster, a teacup, anything will do. You may say no one will pay $100,000 for a teacup, which is likely true, but all you need is one incredible sucker to believe it and you're home. It wouldn't hurt to suggest the teacup once belonged to Jesus, either.
Enjoy,
Adven

Dear Sq:
No, Jed, is not taking over my job, but we advice columnists often miss things because we're too lazy to give questions enough thought. Jed is merely filling in the gaps.
Happy Hump Day!
Adven

Cindori

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:33 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Dadven,

If one has a pleasant yet brief encounter with a person of whom they have no idea how to make contact, yet one would like to manipulate the person into initiating further contact without calling attention to said manipulation, and one has been abandoned by their cyber dad and as such has no one to ask for advice, so one has to turn to a two bit advice columnist, what color dress should one wear for said manipulative tactics?

Signed,
Succinct

Ddr1135

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:48 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I'm going to my first ice hockey game on Saturday. Can you give me pointers on how to follow the game?

Sincerely,
Puckless

Mygetaway

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 09:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven...

Ahh, the cute Christmas power of cheese girl is back, so, what's your favorite kind of cheese and do I have a chance in hell of getting a great present if I leave some gouda out?

Thanks Dude!
Wishful thinker

Adven

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 10:03 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Succinct:
Speaking purely as a two bit advice columnist and not your cyberdad, I would suggest something blood red, off the shoulder, cut high up the side, plunging neckline, black heels, black stockings, a string of elegant pearls, silver loop earrings, red lip gloss and your hair piled high. As your cyberdad, I'd suggest a potato sack.
Happy Hunting!
Adven

Dear Puckless:
Hockey is a wonderful game played by toothless men from North America and Europe. Invariably, a fight will break out and, if you're lucky, several. This is how you tell the North American players from their European counterparts. Canadians and Americans do most of the pummeling while the European players look on wondering what they got themselves into. Occasionally, a foolhardy European will give fighting a try and get killed, forgetting that Canadians and Americans have been taught how to fight on skates since age two.
As for the game itself, the puck moves far too quickly to follow and when someone scores, it invariably happens so fast that you missed it. I find the easiest solution is to just get up and cheer when everyone else does and screech obscenities at the goalie from time to time. Learning French would help, too. Most of them are from Quebec.
Have Fun!
Adven

Adven

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 10:22 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Wishful Thinker:
My favorite cheese is Camenbert. Just kidding, it's cheddar. I was just trying to sound exotic.
And, if you leave a little cheese out, I think you've got a gouda chance of getting a great present.
All the best,
Adven

Bigd

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 11:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,
I have been lying awake at night wondering why Cindori calls you "Dadven". Is she a by-product of some previous deviant behavior on your part?
Thanks,
Prone to suspicion

PS - smooches

Adven

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 11:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Prone:
Cin is my cyberdaughter via the Lurker Adoption Agency and has nicknamed me Dadven. This doesn't alter the fact that most of my previous behavior has been deviant.
And smoochies back to you.
Adven

Squaredsc

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 11:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
dear adven,

who will win the fight between spike and angel? and when will spike become solid again? and where exactly can i find spike? and does spike like aubergine?

sincerely,

sq.

Cindori

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 11:24 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Prone:

Being Dadven's cyberdaughter also doesn't alter the fact that I've inherited his deviant tendencies.

-Cin

Adven

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 11:37 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Sq:
Put your money on Spike, unless Angel gets lucky, of course. As for Spike's plans for becoming solid again, he's working on it, but in the meantime, he'll have to remain a liquid or a gas. And I believe he can be found holed up in Fairbanks, Alaska. Finally, he likes aubergine, but puce is the shade that rocks his world.
As you've probably already guessed, I had no idea what you were asking.
Hope this helps!
Adven

Prone:
She's a chip off the old block, isn't she?
Adven

Squaredsc

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 11:47 am EditMoveDeleteIP
yeah i could tell. we will work on this.

Bigd

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 01:48 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
laughing

Squaredsc

Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 05:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
yo adven,

is tupac dead?

sincerely,

sq.

Jan

Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 08:40 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hey Adven,

Who will win "the View's chair" on Monday?

If Elizabeth wins, will Andy Paige replace her on her style job?

Hoping in Sudbury

Adven

Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 08:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Sq:
Unfortunately, Tupac is no more. He didn't die of gunshot wounds, though, but of lung cancer. It was the tu pac a day habit that got him.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Hoping:
Interesting question. I don't watch The View and I have no idea who Andy Paige is, but I never let small details like that stop me from offering an opinion. Elizabeth will win, but Andy Paige won't replace her. He's/She's an arrogant SOB/DOB and doesn't deserve it.
You heard it here first.
Adven