Archive through December 11, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: Ask Adven (ARCHIVE): Archive through December 11, 2003

Grannyg

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 03:56 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Do you think Fanny is getting too much sex and is therefore, irrational? Do you think she has gotten over her TIVO addiction since she now has a sex addiction? I mean, surely having sex 3 days in a row constitutes having an addiction. Doesn't it?

Signed
Perplexed

Weinermr

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 03:56 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Anybody,

I have been falsely accused of being a Raiders fan. I will be filing suit shortly.

Sincerely,
Marcus Allen

Fanny

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 04:05 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Marcus Allen,

Bob 2112 is a good name for a Plaintiff.

Love,
Now That Weinermr Isn't A Raiders Fan Anymore He's Back In My Good Graces

<Granny I'd comment but it's Monday night and I'm in a hurry to get somewhere if you know what I mean!>

Adven

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 04:30 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Moi:
We must be compassionate with the Donovan McNabb critics. In addition to being strident and uninformed (which they try to mask by shouting down their critics and drawing irrational analogies), they also try to garner sympathy for their chemical addictions by suggesting it originated with a legitimate malady, thus trying to distance themselves from your run of the mill junkie. Also, behind closed doors, they don a pair of diapers and get their corpulent wives to beat them repeatedly with a switch, while planning new ways to attack leftist morality as exemplified by Bill Clinton.
Meanwhile, Donovan McNabb, who is not chemically dependent, has the Eagles at 10-3 and will lead them at least to the NFC Championship game.

Dear Broncos ...:
You may fall in love with me for any number of reasons - my distaste for the Raiders just being one of them. I must warn you, though, I have never been much of a Bronco fan. They have beaten the Patriots like a drum repeatedly in the past and I have the memory of an elephant. Luckily, the Patriots beat them this year, so I can afford to be magnanimous. Our love will blossom as long as the two don't meet in the playoffs.
Sincerely,
Adven Cosell

Dear Perplexed:
No, Fanny's habit of having sex three days in a row does not constitute an addiction - at least, as long as she is in love with me. Should she meet someone else - John Elway, for instance - I will, of course, denounce her as a garden variety slattern. It's the male way.
Have a great Groundhogs Day!
Adven

Dear Marcus Allen:
You fool no one. You bleed black and silver and are merely in denial because they stink. The only way you can redeem yourself is by hopping on the Patriot juggernaut and riding them to the Super Bowl.
Sincerely,
Adven Gannon

Mak1

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 06:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven:

Is it necessary to actually be a football fan in order to jump on the winning Pats bandwagon? Or is it enough, though shallow, to just be a fan of any winning New England team?

Sincerely,

Diehard Red Sox Fan

Wink

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 06:15 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven:

The Lions acquired a really good looking new coach this year and have a sweetie for a quarterback but they are currently 4-9. My libido has taken a definite downward spiral with this dismal season. Do you have any suggestions I might pass along to the powers that be that will result in at least a small climax to this sorry season?

Sincerely,

Next to hockey, football is nirvana.

Mack

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 06:22 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Thanks so much for the miter saw and drywall suggestion. The miter saw fit wonderfully under the tree but I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping the drywall. However, I got to thinking, which in itself was a novel experience, about your mention of intimate gifts. After much thought it came to me that a nice dinner might be in order. I rushed right out and got a gift certificate for a romantic dinner for two at Hooters! Hopefully you approve????

Signed,

Mad Mack in Texas

Luvmyjrt

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 07:02 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I think Tom Brady's H-O-T and am no longer impressed by the Steelers! Any room on that bandwagon?

Signed,

Beat by the Pats too many times to mention!
(anyone remember the Fog Bowl?)

Juju2bigdog

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 10:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
<pukes in GAL's bushes>

Adven

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 02:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Diehard Red Sox:
No, you don't have to actually be a football fan to jump on the Patriot bandwagon. That's the beauty of it. The only requirement is that you either be a true fan or a johnny-come-lately front-runner who only follows them when they win. I've been both, so either works for me.
Welcome aboard,
Adven

Dear Next To Hockey:
I won't comment on the Lions since their record is only marginally better than that of the Raiders and are, therefore, worthy of only my contempt (I should mention here that I get a little hard to take when the Patriots are doing well - you may not have noticed). I will say, though, that a good-looking coach and quarterback usually spell success, so their linebackers and receivers must be hideous.
As for your libido, I'd start cheering for the Patriots. I've been following them for years and I'm as lecherous as a billy goat. Although, I think that may have happened before the Patriots came along.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Mad Mack In Texas:
Glad my foray into the world of what women really want for Christmas worked for you. The idea of making dinner reservations at Hooters, though, is a stroke of romantic genius. Clearly, you no longer need my help in winning over women, you sentimental fool, you.
Enjoy her gushing,
Adven

Dear Beat By the Pats:
We all make mistakes, so I won't fault you for your unseemly association with the Steelers. They have a coach with a cleft palate or something and a quarterback who wears a flak jacket to hide his rotundity, a sure recipe for disaster.
Welcome aboard the bandwagon,
Adven

Luvmyjrt

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 04:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven:

Thanks for allowing me on the Pats bandwagon. Although I wouldn't mention Coach Cower's cleft palate to his face.....the results could be a bit thloppy!

Signed,

Wanna swat some spit?

Luvmyjrt

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 04:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven:

Thanks for allowing me on the Pats bandwagon. Although I wouldn't mention Coach Cower's cleft palate to his face.....the results could be a bit thloppy!

Signed,

Wanna swap some spit with a Pittsburgher?

Mocha

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 11:03 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Hi. And my team can take your team anytime and anyplace.

Sincerely,

Mo (Who does not want to swap spit, eww.)

Adven

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 02:34 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Wanna Swap Some Spit:
Actually, I used to be a big Steeler fan in my youth, back in the day of the Steel Curtain, Franco, Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swann and Chuck Noll. Of course, then I had a crisis of faith, found God and was born again as a devout follower of the Patriots.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Mo:
Normally I don't discuss a team whose record is below that of the Patriots, but, since that is everyone, I will make an exception in the case of your Ravens.
Baltimore has put together an adequate little team, and, if members of their defense can stay on the field and out of prison, they might even make the playoffs. Of course, this assumes their new "wet behind the ears" quarterback doesn't shatter like glass when he finally faces a real defense.
If they can make the playoffs and then if they can beat Indianapolis or Tennessee and then if they can beat Kansas City, they will have earned the right to come to New England and try to make good on your claim.
Are you ready for some football,
Adven

Karuuna

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 03:09 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven -

Do you think there is any significance to the fact that you and I grew up during roughly the same period of time worshipping the same football team? Armageddon comes to mind, but I'm not quite sure why...

Raptureously yours,
Heresia

Mocha

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 04:08 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Well damn Adven you sure put me in my place.

Pamy

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 06:12 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,
Can we stop takin sports and get back to the sexual innuendo stuff?
Frisky

Karuuna

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 07:36 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
We're talking about sports? I thought we were talking about religious experiences? Oh, wait. Maybe you still are.

Fanny

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 08:01 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Can you please tell Pamy we're talking about balls and tight ends and illegal passes?

Thanks,
Peaking at the Right Time

Bandit

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 07:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven-

Do you think that Pamy needs a cold shower?


Signed,

Wondering

Pamy

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 08:27 am EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL!!

Adven

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:31 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Heresia:
I'm not sure I'd call it Armageddon. Maybe karma. Or kismet. Or synchronicity. Or the cosmos configuring just so. Or the Fates playing games of coincidence. All I know is that Steeler team ruled!
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Mo:
I wasn't trying to put you in your place, so much as enlighten you and show you the error of your allegiance. We all make mistakes and once you jump on the Patriot bandwagon, I'm sure God will forgive you. I warn you, though, He does not take kindly to those who would disrupt the Patriot's march to the Super Bowl, so govern yourself accordingly.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Frisky:
I, too, am tired of sports and long for the innocent days of double entendres and winking lewdly.
Go Patriots!
Adven

Dear Peaking:
Don't forget celebrating in the end zone or watching someone's backfield in motion.
Sincerely,
Adven

Dear Wondering
I do, indeed, think Pamy needs a cold shower. Sirbill says that's how they heat their water.
Happy Easter!
Adven

Sasman

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

When the outfielder dives for the ball but drops it can that be referred to as muff/diving?

Signed,
Innuendo in NJ

Bandit

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 12:19 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Do you think Pamy is happy now that we have gotten back to the sexual innuendos?

Signed,

Never Been Muff Diving

Sasman

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 12:33 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Do you think Bandit would go diving with me?

Signed,
Cliff