Advice Please
TV ClubHouse: Archive: Advice Please
Babyboo | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 02:29 pm     I was wondering if anyone can help with this problem, my girlfriend and her husband have a 16yr old daughter who is driving them nuts, they say that she has a smart mouth and a very nasty attitude all the time, she is never happy, she wakes up in the morning spitting nails. my girlfriend is so disgusted with her that she just wants her to get out of the house and she said that she did'nt care if she ever seen her again and i know that she means it, it is really hard for me to give her advice because i don't have any kids and i don't really know what to say to her to make it any better, i'm basically just someone to listen but i don't feel like i'm helping in any way, does anyone have any advice that i could pass along? i forgot to mention that the situation in there home has gotten physical on many occasions. |
Scorpiomoon | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 02:49 pm     I'm sure other people could give you much better advice than I could, but a couple of things come to mind. When I was a teenager, I often behaved in the same manner you described your friend's daughter. When I look back, I can't help but wonder how much of it had to do with something going on physiologically--my body was reacting adversely to going through growth and changes that happen at that age. Maybe your friend should take her daughter to a doctor to get a total physical. Do they suspect she's on drugs? Her moods and reactions might have something to do with drugs. Also, one can't help but wonder what the parents are doing/saying to inspire her to react this way. In your post, it almost seems as though the parents are mere innocent victims while their daughter takes her rage out on them. I have a hard time believing that. Maybe the parents should be taking the focus off of their anger and take some time to reexamine their own behavior--and possibly the way they are reacting to each other in front of their daughter. Family counselling would probably be an excellent idea. But let's say the parents aren't at fault. This girl could be going through things at school and with her friends that is causing her a great deal of stress and pain--things she doesn't want to talk to her parents about. Again, bringing her to someone she can talk to--someone she can trust and know that person won't judge her or use the information she gives against her--would, in my opinion, do this girl a world of good. |
Denecee | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 03:05 pm     Great advise Scorpiomoon! I would never in a million years tell somebody that I never wanted to see my child again or even think it! That is just sad. My 16 yr old daughter is moody and can be very stubborn. When she strikes out, we let her know it is not ok. She knows that I can take away privileges until she is 18 and living on her own. Again, I think Scorpiomoon has great advise the mom/dad could really use. |
Mak1 | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 03:44 pm     Babyboo, the best advice I can give is that they really need outside help to get through this. One of my daughters had clinical depression, was abusing drugs and alcohol and put us through some really really really hard times. Finding the right help can be difficult...especially because it could be very difficult to get her to cooperate, but it's a must. I do know how your friend feels right now, wanting her to be gone {{{Hugs to her}}}. It hurts so much to have a child turn on you that way. It's obvious her daughter is really hurting too. Our daughter was so miserable. She couldn't even stand herself! On a hopeful note for your friend and her husband, our daughter's attitude improved following counseling. It still wasn't the greatest, but a good improvement. She's 21 now, and has been pleasant and appreciative of us since she left home 3 years ago. I wouldn't want to live with her again, but I look forward to her visits. You are helping your friend more than you know just by listening and caring! |
Twiggyish | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 06:14 pm     I totally agree Mak. That family needs help. I think total family counseling helps, too. |
Babyboo | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 06:45 pm     i thank you all for your input and totally agree but i really don't think that there is a drug issue involved, my girlfriend also says that she is not interested in taking her daughter to counseling, she just does'nt want anything to do with her anymore, she has told me on many occasions that her daughter is evil and possessed with demons, she says that they do not connect as mother and child, the bond is not there, i am aware that this sounds bizzare but i have been friends with her for years and i know that she is a wonderful person and i know how badly she wanted to have her child and how happy she was when she did and to see how miserable she is now just pains me, i know that inside she really loves and wants what is best for her daughter but she is just so tired of all the stress and strain that it puts on the entire family, thanks for your advice, i will do my best to convince her to seek outside help. |
Twiggyish | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 06:53 pm     The daughter is not possessed she's just troubled. The counseling can help her sort out why she is acting out. It sounds like there are deep hurts on both sides. The mother may be a wonderful person, but she isn't helping matters by refusing help. Also, where is the father? Does the daughter have contact with him? I hope it all works out Babyboo. |
Scorpiomoon | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 07:15 pm     Yikes! If your friend is telling her daughter--to her face--all these harsh things, can you blame the girl for acting out? Being told you are demonic and not wanted would push anyone over the edge. I feel for this young woman and hope she doesn't end up too damaged by being in such a strained environment. |
Cinder | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 07:39 pm     Babyboo- you mentioned that the situation gets physical. Is the daughter initiating this? |
Tishala | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:00 pm     Babyboo, I am really concerned for the daughter because of this: "i really don't think that there is a drug issue involved, my girlfriend also says that she is not interested in taking her daughter to counseling, she just does'nt want anything to do with her anymore, she has told me on many occasions that her daughter is evil and possessed." I can really relate to this in a woerd way because my mother--like some mothers do--pulled away as I grew up and started to see me, I think, as competition. It seems to me that the best thing you can do for your friend is to become a friend to her daughter right now and give her daughter a place to decompress. After reading this, I am certain that it isn't the daughter's fault; it is a parent who refuses to communicate and prefers to see herself as a martyr. I know it may sound harsh, but that's what I think. Don't tell your friend to get her daughter outside help for her daughter: tell her to get it for herself. |
Tabbyking | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:14 pm     for many teens, that is what age 16 is. talking back and being angry. my son had the mouth, and my daughter doesn't. for the mom to say the kid is possessed or the mom just doesn't want her anymore is horrible on the mom's part, IMO. i think they need family counseling, especially the mother...who wanted a kid, but didn't know anything about them it seems. i feel terrible for the daughter.... |
Mak1 | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 08:39 pm     I'm feeling very sad for the daughter now, too. No matter how bad things got with my daughter, I always knew I loved her and made sure she knew it, too. Maybe you can convince your friend to go to counseling for her own sake, and that could open up the whole can of worms to find out what's at the heart of this family dysfunction. This is so unhealthy for all of them. I like Tishala's suggestion for you to befriend the daughter, if that's possible. Sometimes a teen can find it easier to open up to an adult outside of the family. |
Lostintheglades | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 04:13 am     My oldest daughter was fine during those years, ,she's just now started driving me nuts but I think that's because she's 20 and so it's more like having another adult to live with than a child. DD# 2 however was a different story. No drug or alcohol was involved but 16 was just a really rough age for her and us. She was angry most of the time and was only nice to her friends. At 17, she's starting to become her old happy self. She's always been overweight and I'm pretty sure most of her attitude was caused by this and the fact that she just wasn't happy with herself. I like Mak1, always made sure she knew how special she is and how much I love her regardless of her attitude or otherwise. Being a teenager is hard enough but when you don't have the love and understanding of your parents then she will find it elsewhere. I just hope that elsewhere is somewhere and someone safe. |
Scorpiomoon | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 04:21 am     I so totally agree with your last paragraph, Lost! Well put! |
Ladytex | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 06:01 am     I've avoided posting in this thread because it really bothered me, but I had to post in support of Lost's last paragraph. |
Grooch | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 08:25 am     I really think the parents should go to counseling, but if she won't get outside help, maybe this book will help. Link I haven't read the book, (nor do I have kids) but I heard it being discussed on the radio one day and it sounded really interesting. It couldn't hurt her to read it. |
Adven | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 08:48 am     Babyboo, I'm sure your friend has some legitimate reasons for how her relationship with her daughter got so toxic. Unfortunately, they are largely irrelevant. She has a legal and moral obligation to raise her to the best of her ability and wishing her away is not an option. Your friend's frustration is understandable, but if what you say is true, that she feels no bond with her daughter, sees her as the devil, won't seek counselling, wants her out of her life and is starting to get physical, then some form of intervention may be in order whether she likes it or not. I would add, too, that it has been my experience that, even when confiding to a friend, people tend to leave a lot of the gorier details out. In other words, the problem is likely much worse than even you know. If your friend is adamant about not seeking help, I would suggest you contact her family and suggest two or three of the people closest to her, sit down with her and, as supportively as possible, suggest the problem has spiralled out of control and something has to be done. If this is not an option or she still refuses, you may have no choice but to contact your local social service agency. I realize this would likely jeopardize your friendship with your friend, but we are talking about the safety and well-being of a child here, as well as the best interests of your friend. Good luck with it. |
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