Archive through October 19, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: archives: Adven's Great Reality Adventure (and what not) (ARCHIVE): Immunity Challenge #5 (Last Comic Standing).: Archive through October 19, 2003

Twiggyish

Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 07:24 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"


Two men were playing a round of golf one day.
Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a
funeral procession went by on the road beside the
course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap
and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for
the entire procession to go by. He then puts his
cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your
part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to
do that," his friend said.

"Well," Clyde replied, "I was married to her for 30
years, it was the least that I could do."

Twiggyish

Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 07:47 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
One more for extra credit: (An oldie) A woman goes to her Dr. and tells him she's peeing nickels.. he tells her to go home and take it easy.
The next day she goes back to her Dr. and tells him she's peeing dimes.. he tells her to go home and take it easy.
The next day she goes back to her Dr. and tells him she's peeing quarters... With a sigh of patience he tells her to go home she's just going through her change.

Reader234

Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 08:00 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL!!

Twig, I was thinking that 3rd joke was the funniest until I realized the same thing, as I posted in the RA thread my "extra" credit!! ROFLOL

Twiggyish

Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 08:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
ROFL at your last one.

Adven

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 05:42 am EditMoveDeleteIP
"Totally fab" jokes, Twig. In fact, all the ones submitted are good. The voting public is going to have difficulty picking winners in this one.

Bonnyswan

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 05:52 am EditMoveDeleteIP
omg.....these are too funny!!! I havent laughed this hard in forever!!!

On a sidenote Adven, you are a genius...Im in awe of your ability to spark this kind of insane fun.

Jan

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 05:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Here's one that's an honest to god true story. One of Tish's reminded me of it.

A group of friends and I were in a pub a few years back. One of the guys in the group was giving the waitress a hard time in a flirting way. Finally she looked at him and said, "OK tough guy, tell me how much you know. What does a woman say after an orgasm?" Caught off guard, my friend said "I don't know". The waitress gave him a look and walked away saying "I didn't think YOU would"

We all howled at my friends expense and left her a huge tip.

Adven

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 06:20 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Good one, Jan. You should be in this game.

And, thank you, Bonny, although the life of an evil genius is a lonely one. Like the rhino, we are hunted just for our horns and are becoming an endangered species. Luckily, the World Wildlife Fund is on the case and is building us our own sanctuary where we can frolic and reproduce free from the everyday dangers of the wild.

Bobbie_552001

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 06:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I am horrible at remembering jokes!! And the ones I do remember are the ones that I have heard many years ago that struck me funny then and still do....

In keeping with the season...

witch12 Why don't witches wear panties??
They can get a better grip on the broom.

#2 A husband and wife decide to attend an opening of a local art gallery. As they were wondering through the various rooms they came upon a nude where the artist had strategically painted fig leaves over her naked body. The wife didn't like it and moved on rapidly while the husband lingered, staring at the picture. His wife seeing this came back and with a quick tongue stated "what are you waiting for?" Her husband looks at her and very calmly whispers "Autumn."

I warned you I wasn't very good at this!! And here is my extra credit one....that reminded me of the board!!

A little girl and boy were taking a bath together as youngsters sometimes do....the little girl points at the boys penis and says "can I touch it"
The little boy replies "no way you already broke yours off".

Have a good Sunday!!

Mak1

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 08:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I just flew in from NY and my arms are killing me! Anyway....take my jokes -- PLEASE!! (This challenge has been lots of fun, Amazing Adven. Congrats to all the funny joke posters!)

Here's one from our most wonderful northern neighbour Canada. It isn't off-colour, but I feel Canada deserves to be included in our humourousness.


Good litigation skills!

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told
him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a$$hole
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager
found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way that you got
yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet
here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ho's and hockey players up
there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No sh!t? Who did she play for?"

(2nd joke to follow.)

Mak1

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 08:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
It was hard to choose just 2. Here's my 2nd entry:


Viagra Coffee


This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Mak1

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 08:25 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I had to eliminate some really good jokes because I was afraid I'd be modded, lol. Here are a couple, in invisible ink. Um, just in case they shouldn't be here, I should add that Jan borrowed my id and password and posted these. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Viagra + Crime = ?

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!



Mickey, Minnie and Goofy

One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped outside, he saw “Mickey sucks” written in a yellow liquid in the snow. He investigated and realized there was good news and bad news: it was Goofy's urine, but Minnie's handwriting.

Mak1

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 08:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Here's one for all our Texan board members, heehee. (Not an official entry.)

Texas Baby Boy


A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces,
his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25
pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW"! were heard.

A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly
says,

"Had him circumcised."

(I know I could post it in the Jokes thread but not sure if the people there laugh at the same things the people here do....you know what I mean!)

Adven

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 08:56 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Excellent entries, Bobbi and Mak! Although I can't understand why my threads tend to attract the risque stuff. Go figure.

We have heard from everyone but Lance and ZM. Since they are both in S. Cal. and on different teams, and may be too strung out to post, I may close the contest and start the voting early if neither has posted by this evening.

Reader234

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:04 am EditMoveDeleteIP
ROFLOL (with a couple of nose snorts!!)

Thank You!!

Oh and Mak I definately appreciate you supporting my Mickey/Minnie/Goofy joke!!

Egbok

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:45 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hmmmm.....I can call the hotel where Z'mom has her laptop and Lance would have to seek out a 'puter. But my question is....which team would I be helping out more and what are you gonna do for me?? Muahhahahahahaha....

Halfunit

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Ooohh... I love a devilish egg! DeviledEggie

Adven

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I like your devious spirit, Ms. Teal. I would entertain offers, if I was you. If you need an agent, let me know. I'd only take 40%, tops.

Egbok

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:53 am EditMoveDeleteIP
40% is a bit steep Adven....although I could use an agent because basically I'm very, very innocent. Would you take 25%??

Half, I want that picture!! It's so me!!

Squaredsc

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:54 am EditMoveDeleteIP
well adven, lance and 'mom would cancel each other out.

ms eggie, do whatever you feel is right. but remember you are/were an honerary wench.

Egbok

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
And MsAubergine, witch team would you be on...(cuz I'm not following this whole game at the moment)...are you on Z'mom's team or Lance's team???

Squaredsc

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:59 am EditMoveDeleteIP
ha ha very good <clapping>. im on lance's team. and even though im 'mom's baby-girl she hasn't cut me any slack so ya know ive got to return the favor.

Egbok

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 10:00 am EditMoveDeleteIP
<.....Eggie has the hotel number at hand...just waiting for.....>

Adven

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 10:00 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Sure, Eggie, I'm easy to get along with. 25% will be fine ... plus the miscellaneous fees, of course. I'll list them at the bottom line of the last page, just after you sign. I'm sorry, but I can't supply the microscope you'll need to read them.

They would cancel, Sq, and if they haven't posted by this evening, I'll let them off the hook and go with four from each yeam.

Egbok

Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 10:02 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Okay, my decision has been made...even without my Agent's help (so no 40% for you Adven!)...as an honorary Wench/Witch...I am now dialing Z'moms' hotel room....muahahahahahaha!!