What Would You Do?
TV ClubHouse: Archives: What Would You Do?
Tess | Friday, September 05, 2003 - 04:33 pm     Cake |
Lumbele | Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 08:43 am     Cake and ice-cream |
Curiouscat | Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 01:33 pm     I'd ask Wanda what kind and flavour cake and ice cream she'd like. A few people where I work are allergic to chocolate and peanuts so it's best to find out if she has food allergies first. It'd be a bummer if you got her a cake she can't even eat. If she has any weight conscience ideas about the kind of cake and ice cream she'll eat, she can say so on her own then. If she makes no requests about the cake's frosting, I'd ask at the bakery for whipped frosting instead of the icing sugar type. It's not so darn sweet, so people like myself don't scrape it off |
Whoami | Monday, September 08, 2003 - 10:01 pm     A lot of good responses again. This scenario came from a Dear Abby I read a few years ago. The letter writer was the one who thought they shouldn't be feeding their office mate sweets. Abby told the writer basically the same thing you all said...its not of her business what Wanda decides to eat. She did suggest that the office get togethers include fruits along with the cake, for those who decided for themselves to eat healthier. Well, I did think of another scenario. This one is pretty serious, and very personal. When you read it, make your decision fast. Cause, that's the amount of time I had to react (rather than dwell on it). Some of you have heard this one from me before. You are in the restroom of a mall, locked up behind the door of your private stall (bear with me men, and pretend you're a woman for this one). You're pretty compromised, meaning you have a bit of...umm....cleaning to do before you can stand up, readjust your clothes, and walk out of the stall in a presentable manner. It is also about a half hour before the mall offically opens. While in the stall, you hear a woman and a small child come in the restroom. The child is crying and sobbing uncontrollably. The woman is continuously berating the child, telling her to "shut up, hurry up, stop your crying" and things of that nature. Her voice is full of venom. At one point, you hear her tell the child to "stay there while I check on Johnny." You hear the door to the outside hallway open, and the woman's voice changes dramatically, with a sweet, sugary, "hi Johnny, are you doing okay out here?" You're left wondering if the woman either favors "Johnny" in a huge manner, or if she is just talking sweet because there are other people out in the hallway. The crying and berating continues for several minutes, as the child finishes her business, and goes out to the sinks to wash up. AT one point, the woman mentions that she needs to hurry cause she needs to go pick up her glasses from the optical store. The whole ordeal comes to a conclusion with the the woman shreiking at the top of her lungs, "Shut Up! I HATE you! You're sh!t. You're garbage!" What do you do? |
Rissa | Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 06:52 am     Crap Whoami, give us something more wretching next time, won't you? I would (and have) absolutely go up to the child and try to comfort them in a conjoling type manner, while making a comment to the mother in a very light-hearted manner.. "somedays you really have to work at remembering how innocent they are at this age, don't you? I have three, it can be hard... <laugh>" Immediate goal is to have the tension disapate, put mother in another mindset so the berating does not continue. Attacking the mother will do nothing but guarantee the child pays the price when you leave the room. Then depending on how bad the behavior was (and in your example it's much worse then what I heard) I can see myself calling the police from a pay phone and asking them for their opinion and options. |
Whoami | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 01:52 am     Remember Rissa. You're "compromised." Not in any shape to leave your stall without a bit of personal clean up. You can't immediately go out to comfort the child. |
Ddr1135 | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 04:17 am     I yell from the stall, "Lady I can hear you and I work for Child Protective Services!" Poor little girl, how horrible to grow up in an environment like that. "Johnny" was probably the boyfriend. |
Suitsmefine | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 06:08 am     Ok, so the child is in a stall doing her business so, if you are compromised and needing a clean up... walk out of the stall and use the Mom to do it, then whisper to her "Who's sh## Now? I really am a nice person.....I am just cursed with an evil and barbaric mind.... |
Spitfire | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 06:16 am     I love your answer Suits! |
Eliz87 | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 06:23 am     Well, there's a lot of things I probably wish I could do (telling the mom off would be at the top of my list, but that would do the child no good), but unfortunately the only thing I could probably legally do would be to finish my business, wash my hands and then stand up against the wall or a sink and stare at the mother. This would probably get her to stop, unless of course she would ask what I was staring at, in which case I would respond with, "Nothing interesting..." or something like that. I mean, unfortunately, I would suppose there's not much you really COULD do in that situation. You couldn't remove the poor child from the situation (kidnapping) and since she wasn't being physically abused, you couldn't run to a policeman or anything. *sigh* Sad, sad, sad. |
Nonconformist | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 07:58 am     I would probably say loud enough for the mother to hear "Oh My!" I think she would get the point and hopefully be ashamed. If not, then she has no conscience and nothing I could do or say would make her feel bad for her actions. p.s suitsme--I like your thinking. ;) |
Redstar | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 11:15 am     As I was reading the situation, I was thinking that I wouldn't do or say anything. I don't have children of my own, but I know what little beasties they can be when they want to and just how good they are at pushing parent's buttons. The I got to the last line. It's one thing to be at the end of your rope with a recalcitrant child and use an ugly tone, it's another to totally denigrate her. I think that at least I would be shocked into saying "HEY!" in a loud tone. Other than saying something, there's not much else I could do under the circumstances related. |
Denecee | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 02:07 pm     I would hurry up with my paper work and get out there as fast as possible. Then I would make eye contact with the mother, wait for the little girl to come out of the stall and ask her if that is her mom. I don't know. Seriously, I am unpredictable in cases like this. |
Whoami | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 03:20 pm     This happened about five years ago. What I did was nothing. I am still haunted and ashamed of my response. When I first heard them come in, I remained silent, as I often do when I hear anyone come in after I'm situated in my stall. I mean, I'm not really into the idea of shouting out and announcing to a stranger, "hey, I'm in here and doing my thing too!". My first reaction was to sit there in embarrassed silence. I didn't do any "paperwork" cause I really didn't want her to hear me rattling the TP roll. By the time it escalated and got to that last line, I was too shocked to just jump up and bust my way out of the stall (never mind the fact I wasn't clean or dressed enough to do so anyway). The most appalling thing was, after they left, I finished my paperwork, flushed and headed out to the sinks, only to hear another flush down at the end of the row of stalls. I looked to see another woman come out of her hiding place. So here was this poor child being mentally abused, and two of us sat hiding in silence doing nothing. Both of us commented on how awful it was, shaking our heads in amazement. It didn't take long for me to be so outraged in myself for such lack of action. I remembered her saying something about the optical store, so I went to the mall's directory, and found five optical stores listed (it was a huge mall). I then went to each store, hoping to find a woman with two children, and boy and a girl with a tear-stained face (it never occurred to me "Johnny could have been a boyfriend waiting out in the hall). All five optical stores were still empty (the mall was just opening). I don't know what I would have done once I found her. I had thoughts of finding her, and contacting mall security. I guess in hopes the police would be called. But, in hindsight, I suppose neither the mall security or the police would have (or could have) done a thing. After all, the child probably didn't have a mark on her. As I finished typing that scenario last night, I was shaking so bad I had to backspace and retype a few times. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I often think of that poor girl. I say prayers for her quite often. And I'll never even know what she looked like. |
Denecee | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 03:44 pm     Whoami, don't let this thing haunt you. You are innocent, the mother is the one in the wrong. If anything, make it a learning experience as to what you will do if something like that ever happens again. You are a good person to have just given it as much thought as you have. Bless you! |
Mygetaway | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 08:47 am     I didn't know where else to post this, so I think it would work here. Your older teen daughter shows you her "live journal" pages on the internet. Afterwards you occasionally look at them because she writes things there she will never say to you and you can get some insight into her thinking. She knows you've been reading them because it shows who has been to that page, plus you even bring some things up to her face to face. She then changes her username. However, she uses your computer to go online, so of course it's in the history file. You tell her this up front. Is it wrong to go and keep reading things there? It's a public board open to anyone who finds it. There are also links from her friends where you can go and read their journals, which sometimes include information you need to know, but never would if you didn't look. I feel bad for doing it, yet in today's world there's so much more trouble our kids can get into. When is it too much? I have a lot of faith in her that she will do the right things, (and I know for a FACT without reading anything that she is not drinking, doing drugs, or having sex) but when I know what kinds of things her friends are doing you wonder just how much peer pressure could play a factor. What would you guys do? We're talking about a "young" 16 year old who doesn't drive. |
Denecee | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 09:28 am     My 3rd daughter just turned 17, so I have had to raise 3 teenage daughters. I would just ask her if it is ok if you kept reading them since she did allow you to read some. If she says no then don't. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter and you don't want to jeapordize it. I think you can protect her without reading her journal. You know her, just make sure you give her lots of hugs. All my teens love the hugs from me and their dad. |
Max | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 10:47 am     I don't have kids, so that should probably play into how much credence you give my answer, but... If she's publishing stuff on the Internet, then you NEED to read it, IMHO. Pedophiles and other mean, nasty people could read it and sometimes teenagers don't have a good understand of what the dangers really are. They can easily end up posting information that could get them into situations that are dangerous. You have a responsibility to know what they are doing online -- whether that is in chat, what they are browsing, or what they are posting. It's not a matter of spying. It's a matter of stewardship in keeping an eye out for their safety. I think you are absolutely right to tell her up front that you will be reading everything. Now, that said, if you take what she has written, or especially what her friends have written, and freak out about it to her, then you're not going to be helping. If you see something that alarms you, sit her down and have a conversation. Ask how she feels about her friend having sex or taking drugs or whatever. Tell her how you feel about it -- in a calm way, not an emotional outburst that ends with something like, "If I EVER catch you doing that, you are going to be SO in trouble!" This is all about building trust with her and teaching her that, even though she feels she knows everything, there are some things that you must MIGHT have a broader perspective on and can share with her. Keep stressing to her that you have a lot of faith in her ability to do the right thing. Having high expectations for your kid's behavior and expressing those expectations to them is a great way to help ensure that they actually rise to the occasion. Again, I don't have kids, but this is my philosophy on dealing with these issues. If I had kids, though, who knows what the reality would be! It's always easier to give opinions when you are outside the situation. |
Urgrace | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 11:26 am     Wow Max, that is the best response of a non-parent I have ever heard. |
Wargod | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 11:36 am     I agree with Max. If it was a book journal, I think it'd be different, but on the internet, you as a parent should be monitoring that stuff for her safety. I remember seeing something once about a cop who hung out in chat rooms. Using just simple information (first name, hometown, jersey number, and the nights the kid had practice) he was able to find the kid, get him into his car, and take him to his parents. That's just scary. BTW, Max, I've always said I value advice from non-parents, since sometimes they see a problem or solution better than me because I'm too close to the situation. |
Squaredsc | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 11:39 am     max brings up an important point as well as war about this info being on the net. and because of all of the crazies out there i make it a point never to post my kids photo's with their faces showing on the net because you never know who is out there reading what you write about where you live and seeing your personal photos. jmo fwiw. |
Azlen | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 12:18 pm     Anyone see the movie "13"? While what happens in that movie doesn't apply to every teenager, I still think its important for every parent to understand what is going on with their kids. |
Kady | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 12:29 pm     Great answer Max. We always check the history after my 12 year old has been on the computer. And I closely moniter his e-mail. If you feel totally uncomfortable maybe a close trusted friend or family member could moniter the on-line journal. And they could alert you to potential problems. I totally understand a 16 year old deserves privacy but the internet is not private. A written journal or diary would be private and off limits to me. Unless, of course, I had reasons to not trust her, then I would sneak and read it too. |
Mygetaway | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 01:15 pm     Thanks for all the great responses!! I have been overly concerned and mentioned to her that she puts too many personal information bits onto some of these pages. Things including her exact birthdate, location, etc. Also those very detailed "get to know you quizzes" that are so popular in emails. She has also posted about how alone she feels, and how badly she wants a boyfriend. These type of things have been why I keep looking. I am really afraid some perv might find her. I've told her of my concerns, sited the horror stories (like the one War mentioned) and she shrugs and says "I know." Her computer time here is pretty monitored because the kids don't have an online access. But she uses the computer at her friend's houses and her Grandmother's too. I am just stepmom, and when I tell Dad he tends to overreact in how he talks to her about it. I haven't really talked to her Mom about it, because we have a weird relationship. I do know that she feels the same way I do though about being safe, I just don't know if she has ever seen these sites. I also agree that a book journal would be much different, and wouldn't read it unless I feared for her safety etc. Thanks again.. This has been kind of nagging at me, but I see myself in her so much when I was that age, and I want to keep her from making some of the same mistakes that I did, ya know? |
Max | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 01:39 pm     Mygetaway, You need to tell you daughter to stop posting that stuff IMMEDIATELY and make sure she deletes what's already there. This is very dangerous territory. Sometimes schools have programs to educate kids on the danger posing this kind of information poses. If your schools don't have that, check with the local police department to see if they have anyone on staff who works with Internet-related crimes. If so, arrange for that officer to come speak to kids at your daughter's school and impress upon them the kinds of things that can happen when too much personal information is shared on the net. Even beyond pedophilia, there are dangers of identity theft and other kinds of fraud. These aren't limited to kids. Impress upon your daughter that, no matter what her age, she must learn to be careful with her personal information. Use examples she can relate to. Would she just leave her wallet open on the table at the local McDonald's while she went across the room to talk to friends? That's what she's doing on the Internet. With what she is posting, an unscrupulous individual could find out all kinds of stuff about her and cause problems for her that could impact the rest of her life. Please do talk to her bio-mom about it. You have a common interest in ensuring your daughter's safety and well-being. I would hope that you can find a way to work together towards that goal, regardless of your personal feelings for each other. (I know that sounds easier than it sometimes is. ) Her grandmother should know, as well, and you should have a VERY serious talk with your husband about how to deal with this. Consistency in the way adults handle these situations is ESSENTIAL for a teenager. If she sees any dissent between all of you, she'll cling to that as a reason not to listen to what you are saying. Again, please impress upon her that it has nothing to do with trusting HER, but rather it's a matter of keeping her safe from the icky people who might be reading her journal online and who wouldn't think twice about victimizing her using the information she's posted. All the best to you and yours. |
Rissa | Friday, September 12, 2003 - 07:01 am     Whoami, Sorry, conversation seems to have moved past this... but I didn't want to leave it hanging. If I was truly stuck for a period of time then I would probably do what Noncomfortist said.... yell something out, "That's NOT a child you are talking to with that mouth, is it?" But I would want to echo what the others have said as well, this is what I *might* do or would *want* to do.... none of us knows how we will react until we are IN the situation. The situation I was in was nowhere even close to what you described and I was standing right beside the kid. I have no idea how I would react if there was such overwhelming hostility in the air and I had a *choice* of walking right into it or retreating. I don't think having a few minutes of a dropped-jaw reaction is at all out of line and then they were gone. |
Rissa | Friday, September 12, 2003 - 07:09 am     Competely, 100% agree with Max. Teenagers should NOT be posting journal-type entries on the internet and if she does then you have an absolute RESPONSIBILITY to read it along with the potentionally thousands of others who are. It's less about invading her privacy then actually protecting it by making sure she isn't putting herself in harm's way. If Dad won't listen, could you talk to her school.... not give them specifics but suggest that they get someone in to speak to ALL the students about internet safety? I am sure the police have programs like this set up and ready to go when requested by schools. |
Mygetaway | Sunday, September 14, 2003 - 08:39 pm     Thanks again Max and all.. Well today I sat and talked with her Mom, and sent her all the addresses in an email so she can go and look herself. She totally agreed with me and was also worried about some of the info I told her about. She's going to have a sit down with StepD and Grandma present. Hopefully this will take care of it. All I know is I've done what I can. |
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