Proper protocol for death/sympathy card...
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Julieboo

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 05:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The father of my best friend from college died this past week. What is the typical gift or card to send--meaning money or donation to their charity or what? (my friend is in her late 30's, the dad was 74, died of complications from diabetes and cancer) He left a widow, 2 grown kids and 4 grandkids. Not sure if any of that matters though.

Squaredsc

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 05:40 am EditMoveDeleteIP
julie, usually the family specifies if they prefer flowers or a donation to a charity or something. i always send a card though in addition to anything else that is requested.

Bobbie_552001

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 05:48 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Ditto Square...

Julieboo

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 05:55 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I'm looking for specifics-like how much should I give (keeping in mind that financially, my family and I are not doing too well since I lost my job.)

Squaredsc

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 06:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
oh ok, well im not sure if there is a set amount. i would just give what i was comfortably able to. and if i wasn't able to give money then a card with a handwritten note would be ok i think.

Bobbie_552001

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 06:06 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Again its more than ok just to give a card with a hand written note....I work for Hospice and our average personal donation is $20.00

Julieboo

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 06:07 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Anyone know about amounts? I know for weddings, there is...

Texannie

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 06:28 am EditMoveDeleteIP
There is no set amount. It's whatever you want to give. They family more than likely will not even know the amount you donate. If you are giving to the charity they suggested or even one of your choosing, you usually send the check directly to that charity with a letter enclosed stating "this donation is in memory of....". The charity will send an acknowledgement to the family of the deceased stating "Juliboo made a donation in the name of so & so".
When my mother died, we specified American Heart or our church, we have no idea how much money each person donated.

Juju2bigdog

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 08:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Julieboo, a card is most likely sufficient, particularly if you didn't know the father well. If you did know the father and were close to him, a donation in his memory might be warranted. If you are in the same town as the friend and can do it, a casserole in a disposable container might be appreciated. Nobody wants to cook when there is a death in the family. Or, I may be way out of touch on the food matter.

Texannie

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 08:33 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Juju..food is great! You are just so numb that trying to go to the grocery store or cook is almost paralyzing. Also, offering to run errands..going to the cleaners, ect is very helpful.
A simple note is also nice. I was so touched by the people who just wrote a quick "I was so sorry to hear of your mother's death. I will really miss her". I kept all of them.

Squaredsc

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 08:53 am EditMoveDeleteIP
yep food is good also.

Julieboo

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 09:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Thanks. I was close to her dad when they lived here. Since then, they have moved to AZ and my friend moved to Iowa. But they are like family. Her mom will be staying here for a few weeks, (the funeral was here) so I like the food idea.

Foliage

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:15 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Here in the south it is "customary" to keep a funeral casserole in the freezer. Consolation with food is always appreciated.

If I were in a similar situation I would try to send a cassarole or pound cake, write a card to your friend and another to her mother. If they designate a beneficiary I would send a small check to the charity when (and if) my budget allowed.

Justboredwbb4

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:24 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Food really helped my husbands parents when his Father lost his Mother. People were bringing over so much food and we all were very appreciative as we were spending alot of time tying up Grandmas affairs. We did not have time to cook nor the energy. Plus alot of people were over for the funeral. There was no way we could of cooked for them all. We got alot of casseroles. You name it and it was in a casserole. One neighbor even brought us donuts and lunch meat.
Sorry to hear about your loss.

Ginger1218

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:28 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I am Jewish and we do not send flowers to a funeral. If you are close to the people, you send food to the home, because in the Jewish tradition, the family members are not allowed to cook, or do anything, they are to be served and there is a constant stream of visitors, It is called Sitting Shiva, and people come over and pay their respects at the home of the relative. Others can pay their respects by sending a card, and/or making a donation to a charity in the name of the deceased. We also sometimes plant trees in the name of the deceased, (usually in Israel)

Crazydog

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:34 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Sympathies for your loss.

I did not know that it was a Southern tradition to keep a casserole in the freezer, just in case someone died. Are they troublesome to make? Seems a little morbid, to prepare for the death of someone, just anyone, so the casserole might get used.

I was in a card store that was closing. Every single card was 80% off. I was buying one card, but of course I was in line at the counter behind this woman who bought about 50 cards for every conceivable occasion - birthday, Christmas, wedding, new baby. I thought the fact that she bought a few sympathy cards and a "bon voyage / moving away" card a bit odd. Guess she likes to await these occasions when she might be able to use the card.

Wargod

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:40 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I have a suggestion, but I'm not sure its something you would be interested in Julie.

Several years ago, my closest friend got married. For their wedding, I did an album. I've also done baby books the same way. Doesn't have to be fancy, maybe just a scrapbook, but I take the foam filling for pillows glue it onto the album, then stretch appropriate fabric over it and glue it in place. When her husband died, she asked if I could make a memorial book for her. I found a nice dark blue fabric, with little silver stars on it and silver ribbon. Then I set up pages for sympathy cards, pictures, and everyone she knew wrote notes about a good memory they had of her husband to put in the book. After I was done, I gave it to her sister who organized the cards, pictures, and letters and put it together for her. Every year on the anniversary of his death, several of us get together with her and go through the book, remembering the fun we had with him. While it took her about a year to feel ready to look through the book, its now become a family keepsake that she and her step sons are able to look through and remember good times.

Another idea is instead of flowers, a nice plant. I recieved one when my step dad passed from hubby's company. Everytime I look at this plant, I not only take a minute to remember my step dad, but also the kindness of people during that very tough time for our family.

I'm sorry for your loss, and will keep you and your friend in my thoughts.

Twinkie

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Recently a longtime, close friend of hubby's father died. Since neither of us knew the father well, hubby did something for his friend. He made several CDs of music that he knew his friend would love and gave it to him at the wake. It meant more to him than anything else we could have sent and it didn't cost us anything but time. So it doesn't much matter how you say it as long as its heartfelt.

Buttercup

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 12:08 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wargod, the album is a beautiful idea

Julieboo, I am sure that whatever you do acknowledging the loss will be greatly appreciated :)

Buttercup

Julieboo

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 12:31 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wargod, that is an awesome idea! Twinkie, your idea is wonderful too. I think those ideas are so much nicer than a monetary thing.

Thanks everyone!

Azriel

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 04:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Julie, the food idea is marvelous. When my dad died we had a house full of friends and family from out of town. People from my dad's church and neighbors filled our fridge and counter with food and it meant more to us then those people will ever know. We also had some thoughtful people that brought cups, plates, napkins, paper towels and toilet paper.

Twiggyish

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 06:04 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
We give food, too, with a card.

Pamy

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 07:31 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I always like to send a card about 6months after the death. Here's why..When my Mom died I received many wonderful cards, calls, and visits. Then when the numbness of grief was wearing off and the real loneliness was setting in there were no cards and not that many calls/visits.
I send an 'I am thinking of you card' to the family about 6 mo later and also on the 1 year anniversary.

Juju2bigdog

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 10:45 pm EditMoveDeleteIP

Quote:

Crazydog: I thought the fact that she bought a few sympathy cards and a "bon voyage / moving away" card a bit odd.




Crazydog, I bet she was a woman in her late 40's or early 50's. It seems once you get to that age, you need to stock up on sympathy cards to have them on hand. I keep cards at home, and I now have more sympathy cards than get well cards (still have the most of birthday cards, luckily). At that age, your friends parents are dying in droves, and you need a lot of cards. Sigh.

Geri

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 - 08:40 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Crazydog, even before I was in my late 40's or early 50's, I kept a few condolence cards around.

I hate to shop and the cards at the local drugstore were pretty bad so when I had to buy a condolence card, I bought several of the same because I liked how the card expressed sympathy and the next time I needed a card, I would be prepared.

Sadly, it isn't just celebrities that die in threes.