Deal breaker?
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Closetfan

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:19 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hi! I'd like some advice on a personal situation. I'm a 36 yo female and have been dating a 29 yo man for 6 months. We have talked about getting married. We live in separate cities about 2 hours apart by car.

Yesterday, he tells me he went to the dentist and his mom is going to help him pay for the tooth repair he had. He was charged $36, but told his mom it was $85 so he could get an 'extra 50 bucks from her'. I was appalled!

Would you continue to date someone who would like to and disrespect his mom like that? From what I gather, this is a 'loan' but there is not real expectation he will pay it back.

Any thoughts? Thanks. I don't want to bias my family or his against him if this is something that I'm overreacting to...

Grannyg

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
If he would do it to her, he will do it to you.

Nutsy

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Closet, I'm your age, and I think that IS a deal breaker. Lying and cheating his mom out of a lousy $50 bucks? yuck...

Cathie

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
My gut reaction is that this is probably the tip of the iceberg. Since he did it without conscience and admitted to it so freely it would scare me into thinking hard about conmtinuing the relationship.

Second thoughts remind me that when I was in 3rd year of college I neglected to tell my parents that I had an on-campus job so they wouldn't reduce the amount of $$ they sent to me. I did mature, though, and by age 29 I don't THINK I would have done that.

Grooch

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:31 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I agree with the above posts. And the fact that a 29 year old man needs help paying a $36 bill would be another turnoff.

Tabbyking

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:35 am EditMoveDeleteIP
well, speaking from experience--i was 29 the day i moved to brookline, mass, for my 23.5 year old boyfriend. five and a half years was way too many--i don't think it would have 'evened out' until we were in our 50's!; a man is so much less mature than a woman.
as far as cheating his own mother, i would tell him i think it's wrong, but i also think you should consider getting out while you can. with my boyfriend and me, it became much more than him cheating at small things...
what kind of work does he do that he doesn't have dental coverage or can't make the 36 bucks himself?

Closetfan

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
He works in sales for a small private company selling uniforms. His insurance is not great, so his mom tends to help with medical bills. He's not very financially responsible, but has vowed to change.

I've vowed to lose weight every Monday since I was 12, and I'm still struggling...so I worry about that.

Zachsmom

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 10:42 am EditMoveDeleteIP
dump him. It might seem like a small matter..but small matters can eventually turn into big matters..usually they turn into big matters when the ring is already placed on the finger.

Max

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 11:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh my. The "not very financially responsible" part would be the deal breaker for me. Especially if you are older and more stable. I'd be concerned that he was replacing one mom/meal ticket with another (you).

Lying to his mom is a definite deal breaker. If he was 19, I'd understand it a LITTLE more, but at 29, he should be self-sufficient and more mature than that behavior exhibits.

Unless and until he DOES become financially responsible, then I'd say you're not having a peer, adult relationship. If you did marry this guy, would you be ready to be the primary support and the grownup in the relationship? If this was my situation, I'd be running the other way 'cause I would want an equal partner, not a kid who needs me to bail him out of his financial problems.

The biggest deal breaker in marriages is money. You'd be starting out with a BIG question mark there. And that doesn't even get to the integrity/honesty question, which is also looking pretty bleak.

UGH.

Pcakes2

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 11:47 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Is he using the extra $50 to buy you a gift??? (just kidding)

-patty..

Jeep

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 11:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Run for the hills, Closetfan! I have a 45 year old divorced brother that is still sponging off our mother, and she's 82, has Parkinson's disease, not financially well off and I work my butt off trying to get her onto programs for her $600 a month medicine bill.

He lived at home until he was 30. Now, every day, he comes to her house after work to eat dinner (her food) and never contributes to the food bill. In fact, if she says she needs a loaf of bread, he takes the $1.50 from her for it and then eats half of it! This from a "man" who owns his own home on 8 acres, 3 paid-for cars and a big pension plan.

Needless to say, his marriage lasted only one year.

Conejo

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 12:25 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Ya know, my mother is the dearest person in my life and to think of this jerk ripping off HIS mother just boggles my mind!

I'm with Jeep, Run Closetfan, Run.......No, don't walk, RUN...........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closetfan

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 01:04 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses. I really appreciate your taking the time to chime in. I needed a sounding board and you've been great!

Sadly, I agree with you. And I definitely don't want to be his mom. This goes hand in hand with other things I've been watching...such as his desire to finish school. He knows I need to see some 'movement' in that direction, yet for 2 months he's done nothing...not even made a phone call regarding transfer hours, admission, etc.

Sometimes, I guess it helps to see it in writing. I've been concerned about the 'grown-up' factor and the 'mooching potential' and now the honesty.

Thanks again. I'll check back in case anyone else would like to comment too. :)

Ugh.

Texannie

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 01:15 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Yes. He needs to grow up, learn honesty and how to budget. You don't need someone like that in your life. Good luck.

Weinermr

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 01:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Closetfan,

To me this is a big red flag. Honesty is honesty, integrity is integrity. This kind of behavior will spill over into your relationship eventually, if it hasn't already.

In a way, it's good that you learned this now. Good luck, and take care.

Ginger1218

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 02:18 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Closetfan, obviously this has affected your ability to respect this guy. You have to have respect for somebody you are planning on marrying. If you have no respect for him now, it will not get better, only worse. Get out now, while it won't hurt so much. Don't equate your promising to lose weight with his promising to go to school and be more financial responsible. They are two different things.
Save yourself sweetie.

Closetfan

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 05:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thank you for your advice! You've made some really good points and I appreciate the support. :)

Bobbie_552001

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 06:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Closetfan...I too had a husband (and yes had) that would have cheated his own mother and then turned around and validated it time and time again. The old saying that a man will treat his partner the way he treats his mother..you can take it to the bank....

Closetfan

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 06:51 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thanks, Bobbie. That's what I'm thinking...would I have to say...so, ya bought new tires for the truck today...let me see the freakin' receipt? Would he steal from me 50 bucks at a time? I'm not into it. My ex-H screwed me over and I don't ever want that to happen again. I'm quite successful (except in love!) and I truly appreciate your (and everyone else's) reality checks.

You guys are a God-send. THIS is a perfect example of the really GOOD part of the Internet! :)

Thank you!!!