90-year-old relative wants me to help her buy a new car ...
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TV ClubHouse: Archives: 2003 March: 90-year-old relative wants me to help her buy a new car ...

Hootyhoot

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 09:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
but I don't even think she should drive. What should I do with this situation? She has had a colostomy, a stroke, a knee replacement, and is just getting cataracts removed. I wish there was a way to have her take the driver's test, because it would be awful if I am underestimating her. Because of the surgeries etc. she has not driven for over a year ... but now she wants to buy a new car and start driving as soon as the winter is over.

Any suggestions?

Squaredsc

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 09:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
tough one hootyhoot. my grandparents had to stop driving in their 70's. i don't know what to tell you. how was their driving before the surgeries?

Ginger1218

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 10:29 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Disclaimer, this is said as a joke

Well Hooty, do you like this relative? Does this relative have a lot of money and are you in the will. Considering those questions, if you don't like them, and they have money and you are in the will, then hey, help them buy the car.

Of course if you love this person (money or not), then do everything you can to persuade them not to drive.

Ddr1135

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 11:15 am EditMoveDeleteIP
When is her driver's license up for renewal? That may be a way out for you if she has to take the test.

Seamonkey

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 11:16 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I think you can call the DMV, explain the situation and they should then re-test her.

Catfat

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 11:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
It sounds to me like this woman would be a danger to herself and everyone on the road. How will you feel when she plows into a bus-stop full of children?
If she has the money to afford a NEW car, she can afford a taxi or a bus. Remind her about expenses for gas and insurance.
If she is too broken down to climb onto the bus, then she is too broken down to drive a car.
How about having her take a test-drive in the new car of her choice? You'll see how really bad she is.
Would you let a drunk driver take the wheel? Same with a semi-incapacitated woman nearly a 100 years.
Last of all, whatever help you would be giving her just refuse to do it.

Twiggyish

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 11:43 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I see this all the time here. We have a very large population of elderly. (About 70% of our population) There are many people who can safely drive up to any age..however, when someone becomes a danger to everyone, something needs to be done. It's a very hard situation.
I agree with everyone here. Call DMV and tell them the situation. If they test her, it's going to solve your problem. It's better if it comes from them.

Lobster

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 11:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hooty, I'm really bad at posting links, but if you go here www.mass.gov/rmv you might find some info. Also, as someone mentioned, check to see when her license needs to be renewed. Maybe you'll get lucky there. If it's been expired for a while, I think it may be harder to renew it.

As a resident of Massachusetts, I'm praying very hard that you are successful in keeping her from driving. LOL
<link fixed (22)>
<fixed mod22's formatting <mod14>

Crossfire

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 12:11 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
This is none of my business, but I'll take a stab at it.

It's not clear to me why you think she should not be driving, but having said that, if I really thought someone should not be driving, I might not help depending on the situation.

If she can and will get the car without your help, and there is nothing you can do about it, then I'd help. No sense having a 90 year old mad at you. Time is short and at 90, I find people can really hold a grudge.

If the help she needs is money, I'd not put my money on the line for someone who I did not think should be driving.

If she wants to start driving after winter and surgery, then I'd at a minimum, wait until both things have occurred. I've known people who had cataracts removed, and ended up with worse vision. At 90, the situation can change dramatically in a short period of time.

I wonder if she already has a car? If she does, then she will be driving anyway, and newer cars tend to be more reliable, and safer. If she does not have a car, why not? Did the old one get smashed up with her behind the wheel? In that case, I'd not help if I could avoid it.

So much to consider. HTH's.

Draheid

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 01:01 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Hootyhoot: Are you by any chance friendly with the person who sold YOU a car last? Perhaps you could go to them beforehand and briefly explain your concerns to get them to help dissuade this person from buying a car. They might even refuse to allow a test drive if they feel she would not be able to handle it. I would think the sales person would be willing to help out of courtesy for your past business and in the hope that your future car purchases would be from them as well.

Just a thought, FWIW

Gail

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 01:24 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Maybe you should express your concerns to her doctor - especially the one who is going to remove the cataracts. If her vision is not up to par, he will be able to explain that to your grandmother and kind of keep you out of the equation.

You could even suggest to her to hold off until after the cataract surgery to make sure her eyes will pass the vision test for a driver's liscense. That way - you are showing concern, she knows it but it is not like you are putting up a roadblock.

Marysafan

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 02:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh Hootyhoot, my heart goes out to you. This is an awful situation and there is no way you can win.

We went through this with my father-in-law. He is now a very stubborn and independent 90 year old. He has always been independent and stubborn, and giving up driving was by far and away the hardest thing he ever had to do.

When he was 88 he drove his little truck into the house and took out most of the back bathroom. No one knows exactly what happened, but we suspect he got confused between the gas and the brake pedals. We were grateful that no one was hurt.

After that we tried everything. We enlisted the help of his doctor who advised him not to drive anymore. The DMV kept his license when he went to renew it. (He drove without one).

We had relatives continually and systematcally "borrow" his truck and keep it for a few days....but he always fussed about getting it back. WE had a family friend who owned a garage, so we had it put in the shop "for service"...and told the garage to keep it as long as possible, but he kept calling and asking when it would be ready. We hid his car keys....until finally my brother-in-law just kept them. (He must have had another set made).

Still...last year at his 90th birthday party, some of the neighbors reported that they had seen him driving from time to time...and he would often tell them that he wanted to come to visit me and hubby. This REALLY concerned me...because he loves to come and visit us...but can't any longer. It is something that he is likely to try to do if he should have a mind to do so. So we try to go and visit him every few months...(it's about 800 miles).

If we would even suggest that maybe he isn't capable of driving anymore...he would surely give us an earful...and would be very hurt that we would suggest such a thing.

You are between a rock and a hard place...but I would suggest that you gently remove yourself from the situation if at all possible.

Lobster

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 02:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thank you (22).

Sia

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 06:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Hootyhoot, are there relatives and friends of the 90-year-old who can be enlisted to help provide transportation when she needs to go somewhere? If you propose a rotating schedule, maybe some neighbors/family/friends will be willing to help out: first week of the month, nephew is willing to drive Granny to the pharmacy, store, post office, etc.; second week the driver is granddaughter and her husband; third week, etc. If people know when they're "on-call," they won't feel put-out, and if you can encourage Granny to run her errands only once or twice per week it would be simpler for those volunteering to drive her.

Is there a County Committee on Aging in her area? Ours provides transportation in a van to senior citizens for shopping, doctor trips, errands, etc.

Sisalou

Sunday, March 09, 2003 - 08:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Hootyhoot - You are indeed in a tough spot but you have been given some good advice by others.

We had a similar situation with my g.aunt. After talking with her dr. an appt was set up with a "Functional Mobility Program".

What happened was an evaluator from the Drivers Educators for the Disabled came to her home and gave her some tests which ended with a driving test. He informed my aunt that she should no longer drive and that is was his duty to report her to the dept of motor vehicles.

Needless to say she was very mad but only at the man and not at her Dr or us.

It was a very big relief knowing that she couldn't accidentally hurt others or herself.

Good Luck.

Lyn

Monday, March 10, 2003 - 11:19 am EditMoveDeleteIP
My grandfather had a valid drivers licence from the time he was 10 (in the UK) until he died at 92 in Canada. For him it was more important to have the licence than it was to actually drive.

The driving laws for the elderly in Ontario: in your early 80's you are required to take the drivers test annually, late 80's early 90's its every six months, and late 90s every three months. Grandpa voluntarily stopped driving at 88 but continued to go for regular testing because "a licence represents your independence"

Hootyhoot, for your own peace of mind and her safety, find out what the driving laws for the elderly are for your area and make sure your relative goes for regular testing.

Hootyhoot

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 12:52 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Hi everybody ... gosh, what a great support group you all are! This situation was extra complicated for me because I am really only Effie's ex-daughter-in-law ... but I although I divorced her son, I have still continued in a sort-of daughter relationship with her because she has no daughters and so I could be there for her sometimes when she needed someone, especially when she was ill. And so I was not surprised when I was one of the people she called to take her shopping for a new car, but I really wished it didn't have to be me who was the one to take this action. But, after talking to two other women that she had also asked, I decided I just had to do it. (My ex is too soft-hearted to do such a mean thing.)

So, I called her doctor ... naturally I didn't get to talk to him, but I did leave a fairly long message with a sympathetic secretary. Within an hour he called me back, and said "Oh she definitely should NOT be driving" (She has told us right along that he said it was alright for her to drive ... but sometimes she hears what she wants to hear.) The doctor's first suggestion was that I tell her that I "happened to be talking to him" and he said she shouldn't drive ... but I balked at that. Really, that story would never fly! How could I "happen" be to talking to her doctor? Because she does not have an appointment scheduled with him, but she will be seeing the doctor who removed the cataracts, the GP said he would get the eye doctor to break the news to her.

Whew.

So, I am leaving tomorrow for a three week vacation (woo hoo!) ... so at least I don't have to make excuses for that length of time, and by the time I get back, I hope the dust has settled.

Thanks for all you suggestions and support ...

(Except you Ginger ... I will henceforth think of you as Hard Hearted Hannah!) (LOL)

Bandit

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 01:46 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Well, if she wants to buy a new car, then I don't know what to tell you, but when my bf's step-grandfather needed to stop driving, he wouldn't do it. So my BF and his brother had to remove parts from the car, so it wouldn't run.

This was early last year, and to this day he doesn't know why the car won't run.

Ginger1218

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 01:56 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Hootyhoot, I was really just trying to lighten up the situation for you. I actually am very soft hearted and I have a particular soft spot for the elderly (will be there very soon) I hope you truly did not take me seriously. Perhaps I should not joke around so much. Some people get a little upset. I am a comedienne at heart and try to lighten up a lot of situations. Please accept my apologies.

Hootyhoot

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 03:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Ah Ginger, do not fret ... of course I knew you were joking. Gosh, you even headlined it "Said as a joke!" And it did make me laugh out loud. I really just singled you out because of the laugh you gave me ... it's such great therapy!

Ginger1218

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 03:37 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thanks hooty. :)
<singing - Hard Hearted Hannah, the vamp from Savannah>

Squaredsc

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 05:34 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
hootyhoot, thats great that the doctor will take the weight. enjoy your vacation.

Hootyhoot

Wednesday, March 12, 2003 - 06:11 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hi Square ... It's also great that the doctor actually made the decision not me. Even though I called him to say I didn't think she should be buying a car or driving, he didn't say, "Oh well if you don't think she should, I'll stop her" ... he said "Oh she definitely should NOT be driving." It's a fine point I'm making here, but it let me feel better about the whole thing. It breaks my heart to see her lose the independence of having a car but with her current disabilities, there is no way it would be safe for her to be on the road.

I'm so glad I posted here ... all your responses helped me get through it ...