Favorite Humorous Emails
TV ClubHouse: Archives: Favorite Humorous Emails
Deeya | Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 04:20 pm     Most of us get emails on a regular basis passing on humorous stories/jokes/etc... Just got this one today and it struck me as funny.. so I thought I would share... Anyone else got any good funny emails to share? -------------------------------- Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton bans all smoking. 35 year study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss! George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats be registered by January 2036 |
Mystery | Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 04:24 pm     Good thread, Deeya! My best friend sent me this one today: Women Who Read A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. |
Barefootdyke | Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 08:28 am     DOG VOCABULARY Author: Fido Dalmatian, Professor of Doglish, Dog University ------- LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. |
Neko | Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 09:22 am     This one's for the Fathers here at TVCH... 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter.... 1. If you pull in my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 4. I'm sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early". 6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and figet. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car. 8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirt, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka---zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. 9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house, do not trifle with me. 10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car---there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. |
Nutsy | Monday, September 09, 2002 - 10:18 am     I just loved this! Mother-in-law sent it today - I think she has our house bugged!! Subject: For all men..women definitions... Subject: The Woman's Vocabulary Keywords and their meaning. FINE This is the word she uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD ( with normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised - eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. OH This word followed by any statement is trouble. Examples: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement - run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised - eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised - eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you, " Nothing ! |
Deeya | Monday, September 09, 2002 - 11:50 am     1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart 5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." –Robin Williams 7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman 9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." –Paula Poundstone 11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery 13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld 17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson 18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde 19) "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress.... but I repeat myself." --Mark Twain 20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown 21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." –Robin Williams 22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne 23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal 24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' --Dave Barry 25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased |
Grannygrunt | Monday, September 30, 2002 - 05:45 pm     One of my favorites: A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs......."Fred, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says "Oh my God! No Shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back: "It doesn't matter. . . just get the hell out!" |
Strawberry | Monday, September 30, 2002 - 06:10 pm     This is for all the women out there - You'll see what I mean.... My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd take me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of them, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the restroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the restroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the restroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing their nose or checking the contents of their wallet. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance. Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. But the toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you just wipe your hands with a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here, you might need this." As you emerge, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home. This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. |
Deeya | Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 11:55 am     I was travelling on a tram the other day and in one seat there was an old digger (Australian soldier or ex soldier) reading his newspaper. Across from him was a juvenile with a spikey mohawk haircut colored pink, green, orange and yellow. The old digger kept looking over his newspaper at him. Finally the young bloke spat and yelled at the elderly gent, "What the heck are you looking at you silly old man, haven't you ever done anything outrageous yourself?" As cool as a cucumber the old digger put down his paper and said, "I slept with a parrot once, and I was wondering if you were my son." (language edited for posting) |
Ryn | Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 01:23 pm     here is my most recent favorite from a user I support......humorous to me - not them. Subject: help Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 08:34:53 -0500 From: xxxxxxxx To: "ryn" (yeah like I am giving out my real e-mail!!) I've a problem with my hard drive. The button is stuck. <name removed to protect the dim> Funny - I have never seen a button on a hard drive.....  |
Grannygrunt | Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 01:54 pm     There are teachers at school who really believed this when I sent it to them. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)! "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." |
Grannygrunt | Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 04:06 pm     A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." |
Babyruth | Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 07:29 am     Need a laugh? Share this with your sibling... Bugging You |
Jed245 | Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 02:57 pm     Here's a couple from that I've gotten before. 1. God sent fourth an angel to earth to see how things were going.... after a time the Angel came back and told god that Earth was in desent... 95%of people were sining and 5% were not. God wanted another Angel to check up on the earth. So God then sent fourth another Angel. After a time he came back and said it's true the earth is diminished. 95% are bad and 5% are good. This made God angry so he decided to give those 5% a little boost to get them feeling good about themselves. So he e-mailed them all and do you know what the email said?? Don't worry I didn't get one either. :o) second funny e-mail 2. Carl and his girlfriend were eating dinner with his mother who was visiting for the day. She peered at Carl's girlfriend Amy .... and Carl could tell what his mom was thinking and said.... "Mom I assure you that Amy and I aren't sleeping together and everything is innocent. " His mother responded with a simple ok. A few days later after she went home Amy came to Carl and told him that after his mother left she was unable to find the silver Ladel. And they had had no other visitors..... So he wrote his mother a letter. Carl said "Mom I'm not saying that you took it, but, after you left our silver ladel came up missing. Do you know where it might be?" His mother wrote him back and said. "Dear Carl, I'm not saying that you and Amy are sleeping together, but, if she were sleeping in her own bed... she would have found the ladel days ago. :o) |
Nanarobin | Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 11:31 pm     Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.... Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" (I was equally outraged.) "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she again informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. (I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.) "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" (I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.) "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.....er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter. |
Heyltslori | Monday, December 09, 2002 - 11:50 am     My aunt sent me this today and it made me laugh Dear Tech Support: > > Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a > slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and > jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. > > In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, > such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable > programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. > > Now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply > crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, > but to no avail. What can I do? > > Please help! > > Desperate > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Dear Desperate: > > First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, > while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. > > Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME, and download > Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 > should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. > > But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy > Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1; Beer 6.1 is a very bad program > that will create "Snoring Loudly.WAV" files. > > Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall > another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will > crash > Husband 1.0. > > In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a > limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider > buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally > recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 8.0. > > Good Luck, > > Tech Support > |
Zachsmom | Friday, December 13, 2002 - 09:38 am     This one tickled my funny bone..pay close attention to #'s 4,6,8 & 11 The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject: 1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. They still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently. 2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy. 3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters. 4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. 5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up 6. Give the female employee a definite day long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves. 7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change. 8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day. 9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency. 10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this. 11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much. |
Teatime | Friday, December 13, 2002 - 09:57 am     LOL Zachsmom. Who needs a resume as long as you're "husky" and show up on time! Both of my grandmothers worked full time their whole lives, one while raising 7 children, the other 10. I doubt they were given time to apply lipstick or comb their hair, and knowing them, they wouldn't have cared! I remember them both in their pre-retirement years, and I never once heard a complaint when they spoke of work. Tough generation! |
Zachsmom | Friday, December 13, 2002 - 10:09 am     don't forget the "uniform fitting"..that is the most important point!! LOL..then again..I do get a little cranky if my skirt is a bit too tight..or I have a run in my nylons..or my hair is out of place..or if I haven't powdered my nose after 10 minutes.. |
Marysafan | Friday, December 13, 2002 - 10:30 am     Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first. Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Pacifier 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. Diapering 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins (my favorite one) 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass. 3rd child: When 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!! |
Zachsmom | Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 01:34 pm     Twas The Night Before Christmas....Mom Style Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode Only one creature was stirring, & she was cleaning the commode. The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, while visions of N-64 & Barbie, flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring in front of the TV, with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee. So only the Mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, which made her sigh, "Now what is the matter?" With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, She descended the stairs, & saw the old man. He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug, "Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug." "Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake." "Your gift was especially difficult to make." "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone." "Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone." "A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?" "Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat." Then out walked the clone - The mother's twin, Same hair, same eyes, same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream has come true!" "I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!" From the room above, the youngest did fret. "Mommy?! Come quickly, I'm scared & I'm wet." The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart." "Hey," the mom smiled, "She sure knows her part." The clone changed the small one & hummed her a tune, as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon. "You're the best mommy ever. I really love you." The clone smiled & sighed, "And I love you, too." The mom frowned & said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal." That's my child's LOVE she is trying to steal." Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, Only one loving mother is needed here." The mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed. "Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head. I sometimes forget, it won't be very long, when they'll be too old for my cradle & song." The clock on the mantle began to chime. Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time." With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight. Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right." |
Zachsmom | Thursday, December 19, 2002 - 10:23 am     I don't know if these would "funnies emails" but I thought these pix were quite funny..
Wish I could come up with a witty caption for this one! I thought it was cute/funny though!!
I would DEFINATELY change my name!!!
Someone was asking the other day the difference between hardcore and softcore porn..I think this would be the former!!!! |
Willsfan | Thursday, December 19, 2002 - 11:17 pm     Recieved this on an email. Made me smile.
Baby laugh. |
|