Grief and Blessings
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Cynny | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 08:18 am     I wasn't sure where to put this post, so please let me know if there is a more appropriate place. I just got back from my second of two trips to my old home town in the past month. The first trip was because my grandfather was very ill and I wanted to spend as much time with him and with my grandmother as possible. He seemed to improve, so I came back home to Maryland after a week. A week after I returned, he took a turn for the worse and died. My grandparents lived next door to me all the years I was growing up. My dad worked the afternoon/night shift, seven days a week, and my grandpa was the one who taught me how to ride a bike, how to swim, all those childhood things that your dad normally does. I had polio as a baby, with weakened legs as a result, and so teaching me these things was even more special. He was a patient, loving man who I called Daddy by accident all throughout my childhood. When I was almost a teenager, my mother started having emotional problems. She has attempted suicide more times than I can remember. My grandparents bailed her out of numerous financial problems, only to dig herself right back into the same hole. They cared for her, loved her unconditionally and took up the slack taking care of my sister and I. As soon as I was old enough to start to have a life of my own, she used to tell me that it was unfair that she was saddled with a baby at a young age and then had to get married. It was unfair that I then got sick and she was saddled with a handicapped child. I basically stole her life from her and she never forgave me for it. Throughout my whole life, she has disowned me on a regular basis, every few months, only to come back and say she admired me for always forgiving her. Then, bam, sometimes even the very next day, I would get a call or letter from her calling me nasty names and disowning me again. She has seen my daughters, her only grandchildren, maybe 10 times in their whole lives. When I was diagnosed with post-polio syndrome, the same day her only brother died, she and my dad packed up all their belongings and moved over 1,000 miles away, saying that they didn't want the responsibility of helping my grandparents, having grandkids, and watching me get sick all over again. They abandoned everyone and the cycle of disowning, begging for forgiveness, suicide attempts, have continued ever since. Every attempt to get help for her ended with her getting angry and disappearing from our lives. My father has done nothing to help her other than to humor her and let her mistreat everyone. When my dad's parents died a few years ago, they left in the middle of the night before my grandpa died, saying they couldn't deal with it. When his mother died, they showed up an hour before the funeral and left within an hour after cashing their first inheritance check and making sure they had everything they wanted from her house. Now, fast foward to this month. My mother's dad was dying and my grandma called and begged my mother to come. She said no, not unless grandma sent her money. So, she sent the money. Then, my mom said they weren't coming because she had a cold and didn't want to put her puppy in a kennel. My grandma begged and cried up to one hour before my grandpa died. My mother yelled at my grandma over the phone in my grandpa's hospital room, telling her she was selfish for expecting her to come. When I called my parents to tell them that Grandpa had died, they asked why "I" was the one calling, said they weren't coming, and asked who the executor of the estate was. My mother, who is the only remaining child of my grandparents, still has not even called her own mother since Grandpa died. My grandma is broken hearted and hurt and angry and devastated. She will be 87 next month. The week after the funeral, I stayed with my Grandma. This is where the blessings come in. Even in her time of grief and confusion and pain, she gave to me the unconditional love of a mother that I have never experienced before. She made me feel like I was part of something special, like I belonged somewhere. We helped each other. My Grandpa was an elected county official for 45 years, following in the footsteps of his own father who held the same position for many years before him. At his funeral, people my Grandma didn't even know came to pay their respects. They wrote a wonderful tribute to him in the local newspaper talking about his years of service and what a good man he was, a man of dignity and honor and integrity. The state police saluted the hearse as it went to the cemetary. A woman from the electric company who had met my grandparents for ONE HOUR, while fixing their hot water heater, the week before his death, came to show her respects at the funeral home. They touched more people's lives than they ever knew that they had. I am feeling confused and sad and joyous, as you can probably tell by this rambling post, if you've actually had the patience to keep reading this far. I don't know how to deal with the feelings I have. I feel sadness for the loss of my Grandpa which hasn't even hit me yet. I feel sadness for my grandma, alone after 68 years of marriage. I feel anger and devastation when it comes to my mother. Yet, at the same time, I feel blessed to have rebuilt a wonderful bond with my sister and to have found such a wonderful mother/daughter relationship with my grandma. And I feel blessed to really know that I have a family, that I'm not an outcast like my mother always treated me. And I didn't know any other way this morning to deal with all these emotions spinning through my head other than to write them down. Thanks for listening. Thanks for providing these boards for people to just talk about whatever they want or need to talk about. To all my fellow BB and Survivor and Amazing Race fans whose posts I've enjoyed for the last couple of years, thank you for providing me with a place to sit and read this week and try to find some sort of normalcy again. Cyn |
Theowl | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 08:33 am     {{{Cyn}}} I don't EVEN know what to say, except you are so amazing!! My tears for you are kinda happy tears for the great grandparents you had/have and the love you all share. I'm so glad you have your sister and grandmother, and NOT your so called "mother". Stay strong and keep us updated. You are great!!  |
Heyltslori | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 08:34 am     Cyn... first of all, thank you for posting and I am very sorry about the death of your grandfather. I, among many people, have found out over the course of life that there are some people you can count on ...and some that you can't...and it doesn't really make a difference if you're related or not. I think that you have come to realize who you can count on and who really truly cares about you...and you should concentrate on those relationships. Treasure the memories of your grandfather...tell your children all about him and remember him with your grandmother and your sister. He sounds like he was a very special and wonderful man. Take care of yourself and always know that there are people in the world who genuinely love and care about you.  |
Lumbele | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 08:46 am     Cyn, I am very sorry for your loss. Those great memories of your grandfather will always keep him alive in a way for you and all those who loved him. |
Grannyg | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 09:19 am     Cyn, thanks for sharing with us. I know it must truly be hard to deal with all the emotions that are going on right now. Hang on to your Grandma because she can be a source of strength for you right now, as you can be a source of strength for her. The two of you together can help each other get through these times. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sherry |
Karuuna | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 09:20 am     Cynny, thanks for sharing your story. I know you will grieve over the loss of your grandfather, and that you have always grieved the loss of not being able to depend on your mother. It sounds like you have had a difficult life, yet that has made you wise and compassionate - that's something I greatly admire. I wish you well in the sad days ahead, and please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers during those times. |
Whit4you | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 09:22 am     Cyn it's nice to hear you've gotten closer to your grandmother and hope that you can foster an even closer one... let her be your mom from now on - I think it'd be good for both of you. As for your biological mother, obviously I've just learned a few moments of the story and I'm not a doc... but I've 'been there' enough to at least give my 2 cents for what it's worth. She sounds like a very toxic person and having her in your life in any way may not be the best thing for you and your own future. I disowned my biological mother at 18 - she died last year and I have absolutely no regrets. Your a forgiving person and that's a wonderful thing to be, but someone asking for forgiveness and truely being sorry and making the needed changes is a different story. Just based on what you've said I think it's clear that your biologicial mother has some mental problems - perhaps they are not her fault and her treatment of you over these years is not her fault but that does NOT MEAN that you have to permit it. It does not mean that you have to be accepting of it or be involved in it. Maybe you want to be there and be forgiving for her sake, but perhaps you might concider her child having a good life by not being involved in her mental problems - might benefit your mother more then continuing the toxic relatiosnhip. As I said this is just my two cents - not an expert opinion. Drop in the "Depression, anxiety......." thread in the "Community center" area sometime I think you'll find more incite into your biological mother and her behavior there, and also some friends who are dealing with some of the same feelings you have as well. In the meantime - I hope you and your grandma can be there for each other in many many ways. |
Kstme | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 10:05 am     (((((HUGS CYN))))) |
Jagger | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 11:11 am     It sounds like you had a great grandpa and a loving and sharing set of grand parents. Always keep their memories close to your heart. It's sad that your mother has to be the kind of person she is, but it is hurting her more than anyone, she is missing out on a wonderfull daughter and grandchildren. It is great that you continue to grow into a closer relationship with your grandma. |
Vixeninvegas | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 12:15 pm     Cyn - your post brought tears to my eyes - the love you have for your grandparents is a special thing & it sounds like you brought just as much joy to them as they did to you. I'm sorry that your mother made the choice not to share your life the way she "should have" but you are probably better off without this hateful woman in your life. I don't know anything about you but it sounds to me like you are made out of the "same stuff" as your grandparents any way - loving, kind, caring & warm. Share those wonderful qualities with people who deserve them. I was adopted @ 10 weeks old & have never felt like I missed out on anything from not being with my 'biological parents'. My parents are the people who showed me unconditional love & care for my entire life. These are the people I care about. Not someone who for what ever reasons I'm sure made sence to her @ the time - choose to give me up. In essence that is what it sounds like happened to you - your mother "gave you up" to your grandmother - & you were blessed w/ loving people whom were able to pick up the "father / mother" role. Look at all the wonderful memories you have of your grandfather! The time he spent with you - the lessons he taught you! Count yourself lucky on a daily basis that you have continued to surround yourself with people like that. You, as well as your grandmother will be in my prayers. |
Cjr | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 01:03 pm     {{{{{{{Cyn}}}}}}. So sorry for the loss of your Grandfather and the troubles with your parents. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Give your Grandmother lots of hugs! |
Imbewitched | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 03:01 pm     {{{{{Cyn}}}}} My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your grandma. Hold on tight to one another. It sounds like you have more strength within than you know. Your grandpa will be very proud of you both. My granddad was also the main male role model in my life and I thought he hung the moon. He passed 27 years ago but I miss him like it was yesterday. But even so, I feel so bless that he was in my life. As are you for the wonderful love you and he shared. Deepest condolences to you and your Grandma. |
Alegria | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 03:08 pm     Cyn you are a very special woman and it is great that your grandmother has you to lean on. Good luck with everything. |
Whoami | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 03:21 pm     {{{{Cynn}}}} As everyone here has already pointed out, you are an exceptional person. Instead of taking your mother's treatment of you and allowing it to turn you into an equally hateful person, you have chosen to be the kind of woman your Grandparents can be very proud of. I'm sure you already know that your mother's attitude is not about you, but rather about her own selfishness, which is in turn brought on by an unfortunate mental condition. Please drop by the Community Corner. There are some very special threads there, where we all reach out for each other in times of need. This is a very special board, with some people who are just as exceptional as you are. Welcome to the Family. Special prayers and vibes go out to you and your Grandmother. A special prayer out for your Grandfather as well. Even some prayers for your own parents, who are unfortunate enough to not experience what a truly special person you are. |
Twinkie | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 04:06 pm     {{{Cyn}}} My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay close to grandma. She knows what a special person you are. I'm glad you have each other. I'm so sorry over the loss of your wonderful grandpa. |
Pamy | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 06:37 pm     {{{Cyn}}} My thoughts and prayers are with you. I agree with what everyone has written so far. Treasure the memories of your Grandpa and cherish the moments you will spend with your Grandma. I know in the beginning it is only saddness you feel but eventually the saddness will turn to memories of fun and love. I hope your Grandparents have a trust(not just a will)set up and that you are the sole successor trustee. That way your 'Mom'(I don't think she has earned or deserves the title but anyway..) can't touch any of their money or property, can't even go to court to contest it. If they don't,please have your Grandma set up one now. I have the feeling your 'Mom' might come around to take advantage of your Grandma and you in your time of grief. One day your 'Mom' will be alone and she will come running to you for support, hopefully then she will realize what a horrible person she was for making you feel so bad as a child. I can't imagine telling my child the things she said to you. Do you have a supportive husband? You are a strong lady and I wish you much love, peace, and happiness. |
Cynny | Thursday, October 31, 2002 - 08:49 am     Thank you everyone for all of the love and support you have expressed for me. To be honest, I was a little embarassed that I just opened up and let all of those things pour out on a message board because I've never been one to ask for help or put my vulnerabilities and weaknesses out there. But, I am sure glad that I did. To those of you who gave me different perspectives to think about, I will definitely think about all of them. To those of you who made suggestions about other places to look to for support and conversation, I will look to those. To those of you who offered a hug or support, I will take comfort from that. It helped me to just kind of think out loud. It seemed kind of anonymous to talk to a message board, easier to speak freely when it wasn't face to face with someone and worrying about the people I love seeing me upset or vulnerable. But, then I realized that almost all of your names are names I recognize from the past couple of years, reading your posts on many different topics, so even though I don't know any of you personally, it was like reading words from friends, like a hotline where you can spill out what is in your heart, only being able to get hugs back in return. Thank you to all of you. I have just found the members area and hope to answer some of the things that some of you said more personally over the next few days as I start getting more settled in back here at home. You are good people here and I can't thank you enough for listening to me. Cyn |
Shanga | Thursday, October 31, 2002 - 04:17 pm     Cyn,I am very sorry to hear about the death of your grandfather. I also would like to say to you that you must understand that giving birth does not make a person a mother. Being a mother is a gift from God. Your grandparents were your parents. Your birth mother is just that,your birth mother. Whatever her problems are, you didn't cause them. Her problems stem from something other than you. You can't carry the blame for her. My advice to you is to let your mother go through her changes and you concentrate on your grandmother. She sounds like a very strong woman so you look up to her and try to pattern your life after hers.
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Heavenly | Monday, November 04, 2002 - 03:11 pm     Cynny, I'm glad to see that you're doing better and all your friends here are wishing you well each day. For even more support, go to www.heavenlypeace.com and I'm always available to help you through the hard times. |
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