Archive through September 18, 2002
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TV ClubHouse: Archives: Empty nest syndrome...any advice would be welcome...: Archive through September 18, 2002

Vanillarose

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 08:22 am EditMoveDeleteIP
My son, who is our only child, will be graduating and heading off to college in less than two years. It feels like the time is creeping up on us so quickly!!!! (Wasn't it just yesterday that I was sending him off to kindergarten??)

I know that I'm going to be feeling empty nest syndrome in a big way! I already get a lump in my throat just thinking about it!!!

If anyone has any advice to offer I'd appreciate it!!!

Marysafan

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 09:19 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Vanillarose, take heart...I know exactly how you feel. One day when my daughter was 16, I turned around and exclaimed..."When did you get to be so tall! Weren't you just 8!"

Empty nest syndrome isn't bad once you get through it. It is a process. Once you come out the other side. It is so much better. You can finally "let go" and trust your child to make their own right decisions and then just enjoy them.

You no longer have to be the "bad guy"...You know...pick up your clothes, clean your room, did you remember to....?

But first comes the "pre-empty nest". I firmly believe God created 17 year olds so that when they do finally leave home...we aren't as sorry to see them go! LOL!

Ron Howard was on a talk show once...talking about how he about drove his mother nuts when he was 17. I remember thinking if "Opie" and "Richie Cuningham" went through this...the evidently..."EVERY one of them does."

When your child becomes a senior you will notice them tending to separate from the family more...chosing to spend more time with their peers OR just wanting to spend more time alone. It is a normal developmental step...DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Just be there when they need you...and don't worry ...they will still need you (only less).

This is the time to get them ready for life on their own. Teach them the things they will need to know. Let them try their hand at some cooking, doing their laundry, managing their finances, balancing a check book, sewing on a button, checking their oil, etc. They will gripe about it...but trust me...they will thank you later. It will make them look SO much smarter than their peers.

You might also think about getting your son a starter tool box. My daughter was VERY popular in the dorm...she was the girl who had TOOLS! lol! (In the north ...jumper cables are considered a God send).

I know it is hard to believe now, but there will come a time, when you will be happy to have more time to yourselves. Often this is the time when long neglected marriages become closer. You will open up to new opportunites. And you will have time and energy to go after those dreams and goals that have been put on hold for so long.

Life after teenagers is good. Just wait until you meet this fine adult that grew up in your house! You will share many more good times...and he will have learned to appreciate you by then!

Rissa

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 09:42 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Marysafan, your starter tool box idea made me laugh (from good memories). :) I went to Univ. while still living at home and as graduation neared my birthday and christmas gifts turned from the usual into...set of dishes, towels, spatulas, etc. LOL In addition to being practical, you really have hit on a good way to help parents and child get ready. Purchasing those types of items and receiving them would help it sink in/making the emotional jump to accepting the child was going to be on their own soon. Plus it keeps the kid from raiding YOUR STUFF as they walk out the door. LOL

Kstme

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 10:27 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Mary...beautifully put and what sound advice!

Thekid, my only daughter (husband has two others older), may NEVER leave home! Why leave when you can work, go to school, have your own puppy to play with, do your own thing and NOT pay rent??? She does her own laundry and keeps her end of the upstairs cleaned to "her" liking. <we travel through there ONLY if we MUST>

She does help out with running errands, the housekeeper, the gardner and the puppies grooming. It's more like having a roommate than having a "child" at home. We all get along well and I'm sure that makes a HUGE difference.

I know she will move someday...it will probably be harder than we can imagine! Although, we have told her after she finds "just the right home," we'll pack OUR bags and move in with her!!

BTW...thekid is 25!!!!

Urgrace

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 03:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
<just popping in to see what kind of advise is being offered since my son will be moving out next month (along with his wife and my two youngest grandchildren.)

Marysafan, you are absolutely right, but it doesn't help that empty pit you feel inside. That is just something you get over like the oldest kid's first day of school, or when your child is so sick you just feel helpless. Luckily the pit does become smaller. I still have mine from the older kids leaving 16 and 15 years ago, so don't think it ever goes completely away.

Vanillarose, it is the best time to make the most out of your 'extra' time. Find something that you really 'want' to do and go for it! Keep busy and enjoy.

Kst, you are not in the minority any more. Many grown children and grandparents are living with the parents these days. I like your style though!

Whit4you

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 03:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I dunno I love the 'empty nest' thingy myself lol.

I have to deal with some guilt issues that I coulda been a better mother and should have not been wrapped up in my own life but I went through a medical mental illness type of thingy (PTSS) for a few years right at the time I coulda been there teaching him those things. (He was living with his dad then)

Dealing with that guilt is tough but I try not to think about it to much - that'd just bring me down more.

I wish I had spent more time teaching him things like how to do budgets and maybe written him a really handy 3 ring binder of "things you should know" - back when I was superwoman (the old Whit) I'd done this for a gf of mine when she grew up. The 3 ring binder was full of simple basic recipies...ways to save money...basically anytime for months I thought of anything that would be handy for her to know... I'd write it in that book. The thing that made me happy was when I saw that book again a few years later it was totally wore out looking (She'd used it a ton)

Honestly I doubt my son would have used a book like that as much but I think he would have looked in it here and there - I really do... and regret that I was not able to make one for him.

Well this thread isn't about being a bad mom, but I'm just saying as far as the empty nest thingy - it's awesome for me except for that guilt...

I love being able to go where I want when I want anytime I want. Spent alot of time traveling... went to ny..dc..ohio..cali a few times... and so on. Just being able to go over to a girlfriends house and hang out and spend the night without having to worry or check in etc is really nice.

I have so many interests and hobbies and things I like to do - that I never felt empty.

I guess then maybe just making plans of all the things you could do with your free time now that you'll have (I assume) less housework to do ... and more time to spend on yourself and your own future now.

I'd suggest that anytime you get to missing your little one.. you could get on the net and type in some random thing...and then print it out and put in a binder.. and maybe once a year on his/her birthday or xmas you can give him the binder. That way like you'd be spending time 'doing something' for your kid but not having THEM feel like you are not letting go - cause they'd only get this yearly (or biyearly or something)

What I mean is like - you could type "tightwad' in yahoo - and print out some of the ideas (or type them and put in a file if you don't have a printer and print them out seomtime somewhere where someone does have a printer.

Here are some examples of things you could search for....

Goal setting

Budgetting

Resumes

Note taking

Guru _____ (fill in the blank) job hunting.. etc

Inspirational sayings

Simple recipes

Converstion for recipies

Shopping strategies

Housekeeping hints

Hobbies

power words (I love this one)

Study hints

one minute manager

Money saving ideas...

Well there are just a few ideas hopefully enough to give you a hint.

Writing this has made me wish I had printed out a copy of the 3-ring binder I made for Erin.. represented a year or so of my ideas all rolled into one...>:)

Sia

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 04:59 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I would like to suggest to any empty-nester that you are NOT "done" raising kids, necessarily, just because our own child has left home. In fact, you have many years of insight to share with mothers of younger children and you might make a critical difference in the life of another child. My kids aren't "tiny" any more; they're almost-four and almost-six. I have trouble sometimes, though, taking them on errands; I'm overly protective and always want a second adult to accompany us on a shopping trip to the mall, for example. My mother isn't always available to accompany us on doctor visits, but when she does come along, she's a huge help. I WISH someone who lives near me, an empty-nester with kindness and love for children, would want to come along with us on our outings once in a while. I think it would be beneficial to me, my kids, and to the woman who would come and be my extra pair of "hands."

When my elder child was born, we had very little money and I breast-fed, so we didn't have need of a sitter. As he got older, though, having a free sitter would have been very much appreciated. My husband and I have been to about five movies together in the eight years we've been together, and we've had dinner out alone, just the two of us, maybe four times total. I've never hired a paid babysitter, and have asked a friend to keep my kids for a couple of hours probably three times total, and only for something really important like a funeral or major doctor visit that the kids couldn't be in the exam room for with me.

My idea is that you could offer to help someone with young kids who REALLY could use a hand maybe once or twice per month. I'm sure the woman would be very happy to have your help--and the opportunity to deepen your friendship.

Twiggyish

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 05:13 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Excellent thoughts here. I don't even want to think about that time when our child is that age.
Vanilla, how about a new pet? It will need your loving attention and may help ease the ache. A hobby is a good thing, too. (Something to keep your mind off things)
And as said above, you will always be MOM, no matter how old he gets. =)

Whit4you

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 05:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh I have an intersting idea.. start working on gramma things. I'm telling you as a new gramma it's the funnest thing in the whole world lol. You've got a few years at least I imagine to wait you can start working on gramma things now.

Start working on a scrap book of ideas for a new parent... collecting things that will be fun to use when you have a grandbaby. Working on all of that will help keep busy and also be of tremendous fun when the grandbaby is here.

I have this collection of coloring pages that I put a few hundred hours into collecting - I've shared it with alot of people.. it could be a start for your collection eh? :)

Anyhow you know I'm telling you this - being free for the first time in your life is sad once in a while but it's also amazingly fun too :)

You can walk around the house nakid hehe...:)

Gentoo

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 06:01 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
It'll all come crashing down again when you attend the kid's university/college graduation ceremony. And when the kid produces the first grandkid.

Breezy

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 06:31 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
My last child, a daughter, has just gone off to college. She lives in our city, so we see her fairly often, but the house is so quiet now. I have recently taken up piano lessons, and have more time to devote to practice. My husband has begun a painting hobby. I have adjusted better than I had expected to. My children have always been of paramount importance to me, I wasn't sure how I would handle the "empty nest". I am glad there is life after the kids leave home!

Cathie

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 07:52 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
My last to move out of the house was my oldest, who left two weeks ago. She had gone back to college for a second degree, at her own expense, so she lived with us to save $$. She and our youngest both graduated college on the same day (two different cities, so that was really a fun day) last May and are both still coming by the house to take more of their belongings--I swear I think the rooms still look full to me, lol.

Anyway, my strategy is to keep busy. I have cleaned out all the kitchen cabinets and given them things to start their households with and donated the rest to Goodwill. I have scrubbed and re-lined the cabinets and bought new dishes, accessories, etc., and plan to put a new floor, wallpaper, etc. in the kitchen. Then I'll work on re-doing their (hopefully by then empty) rooms and bathrooms. By then it will be Christmas and all three kids will be home for a day or two, after which I will start working on other rooms of the house.

Of course, when the house is all re-done I'm not sure what I'll do. Perhaps make slipcovers for the cars???

Egbok

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 07:53 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I love this thread. I'm in the beginning process of this syndrome and at first, I didn't do too well, but it's getting better with time. I just keep reminding myself how self-sufficient these kidlets are due to experiences that their dad and I provided for them and how very proud I am of their college choices and pursuits. What an exciting time in their young life!!

The empty nest syndrome has made me do a huge self-evaluation on the next phase of my life and it's all good!!

Sia

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 08:49 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I feel so ooooollllllld to have kids this young; I could have kids old enough to have given me grandchildren already, but I didn't get married till I was in my mid-thirties! I'm looking forward to just having them both in school!

Katlady53

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 11:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
VanillaRose, my daughter went away her freshman year, and it nearly killed me. She's my baby! The main theme that kept running through my head was, "I'm not ready for this next phase of my life!" Fortunately, she was only 2-hours away so I saw her fairly often. She ended up changing schools her sophomore year (she's now a junior) because she finally decided on a major and was better off attending a university closer to home. She's living back home now, but I probably see her less now than I did when she went away to school. Lol! That's okay because my son made me a grandma, so I have plenty to keep me busy.

One of the things that helped me when my daughter left was my hobby which is scrapbooking. It was cathartic to work on her album and take walks back down Memory Lane. Good luck to you!

Grannygrunt

Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 12:19 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Marysafan said "But first comes the "pre-empty nest". I firmly believe God created 17 year olds so that when they do finally leave home...we aren't as sorry to see them go! LOL"

Take heart, there are no truer words spoken. When they become Seniors in HS they have "Seniorphobia". They know everything and you cannot tell them one thing. I raised 3 kids and lived long enough to tell about it. My husband and I are now thrilled that the house is quiet. We actually have time to do something WE want to do. And when they come home for the week-ends we are just as glad to see those tail lights on Sunday. Back to "Our" routine. Then they come home for the summer and expect YOU to live life the way they lived at college. And you think the summer will never end. Then they go back to college and you are relieved for a little while. Take heart, just know that the best is yet to come........

Earthmother

Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 05:37 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
When both boys were in high school I made sure I got myself some hobbies. I learned to paint and got involved in a prize bingo group with other women and created an active social life for ME, away from hubby and the kids. We still do things together but I know if anything happens to hubby, I will survive. Hubby joined a car club and he also has a social life of his own.

My youngest left for college last year and I was elated..no sooner had I finally found extra closet space the older moved back in..OMG (he only stayed 3 months) Once they are out on their own they do not want to move back into a place where there are rules..lol He wasn't gone 15 minutes when I turned his room into a craft room for ME..

I became selfish for the first time in my life and guess what? I deserved it.
I became someone other than hubby's wife and the mom, and hubby became someone other than just my husband and baseball coach.

As our children grow and move onto their own lives we need to re-create our own. If we have done a good job raising them they will thrive. Not saying they won't have their problems and call you with them, but you become their confidant instead of their jailer.

Good Luck and enjoy your new life.

Wargod

Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 06:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Sia that is a great idea about spending time with a mother and her younger kids. The times my mom is able to either go with me to a dr. appt. or watch one of the kids is a blesing.

Sia

Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 08:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wargod, my mom's the greatest; when she watches my kids here at my house (which IS my preference; you'll learn why!), she goes above and beyond the call of duty. At the risk of sounding like Amy Crews of BB3, Mom changes sheets, does laundry, and washes dishes while I'm away; she must not ever sit down--and she plays with and reads to my kids, bathes them, whatever she can cram into the time my doctor visit or shopping-run takes! I was a good babysitter when I was a teenager, but I don't know if I will ever top my Mom!!

Wargod

Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 09:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
My mom used to watch the kids when I worked. When it was just my son it was that way...then my daughter came, and grandma had her hands full. It was wonderful while it lasted though, LOL.

I know alot of people though who live away from their families and don't get out alot. They would love surrogate grandmothers for their kids.

Also, if you enjoy children, what about volunteering somewhere? Our library has story time, and they use volunteers to help out with the stories and such.

I've got years to get ready for this...at least 14 before my daughter is ready to go out on her own. I can tell you though....I'm not ready for it!

Earthmother

Monday, September 09, 2002 - 08:10 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Both my boys were home last weekend...OMG We had a wonderful time and enjoyed each other so much. I have to laugh because when they left my husband and I looked at each other and both said at the same time "Ahhhh quiet"..lol We both agreed that we never noticed how loud they were before....lol

Realityaddict

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 09:40 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I love this thread! I thought I would go insane when my son left for college last year. I was too involved in his life. That whold Band Mother syndrome. It was pretty bad in high school when I knew as many of the students and teachers as he did. I volunteered for everything. All his friends call me Mom too. So when he went away to college, I felt lost, but kind of liked the time to myself.

Then halfway through his freshman year he decided he wanted to come home and be a commuter student. He came home at the end of his freshman year and has been home ever since. He is starting his second year at a college 15 miles from home. I hate to say this, but I kinda miss the quiet and not having so much laundry, cooking, etc. to do!

Neko

Wednesday, September 11, 2002 - 12:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
*Laughes*
"The Mom" will be like, "Get out of the house Neko, your 32. You're old enough now to live on your own."

Allietex

Saturday, September 14, 2002 - 11:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Sit down with a pad and pencil. Close your eyes and think back to when your child was growning up. Remember all the things you wanted to do and did not have the time. Perhaps it is arts and crafts, perhaps it is learning a new skill like knitting, maybe it is taking a class.

I know as a mother there are dozens of things in the back of your mind just waiting to be brought forward. As something pops into your mind jot it down no matter how silly,(you aren't going to show it to anyone else.)

Do this everyday while for awhile, maybe while you're having coffee, until you have exhausted everything you can think of. Set your list aside and let it percolate for a few days. Then go back to it and use it to make some real plans. Keeping busy is the best way to keep from missing someone. Don't say I am going to do that sometime. Do it now.

Secretsmile

Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 02:45 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
WOW, I wish I had seen this thread earlier. I am so deep in empty nest syndrome I thought about getting antidepressants.

My oldest son (age 19) was just deployed overseas and often can't be in touch. My daugter(age 17) just started college in Sept. My youngest son (age16), was always a momma's boy, now has his driver's license and an after school job. NOW..I'm not making this up...we had to put our keeshond down in Aug.

I started gardening this spring, knowing things would be hard. I still get a lump in my throat when I walk past the empty (CLEAN) bedrooms. It takes no time to clean the house or do laundry.

I quit smoking, started exercising, dieting, and still there is too many hours in the day.

Thanks for the place to vent. Love Ya
Liz