Empty nest syndrome...any advice would be welcome...
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Marysafan | Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 03:24 pm     (((HUG))) It's okay Liz. We know how you feel. Just know that it will get better. |
Whit4you | Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 03:27 pm     Secret - mess up there rooms... well that'd be what I'd do... mess em up so I wouldn't feel so lonely ya know ? Well that's just me - if your a clean freak this prolly won't work for you Good luck - stay busy - it helps! |
Secretsmile | Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 03:37 pm     LOL, stink up clothes and stash wet towels, and dirty dishes and dried up milk glasses and leave them there? HEHEHE |
Katlady53 | Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 07:31 pm     Secretsmile, and don't forget to crank up the stereo! Earthmother, it's so funny that you turned one of your son's rooms into a craft room because I did the same thing. Lol My son has been having some problems lately, and I let him know that he is welcome to move back home again. (Then I said a prayer that he would work out his problems so I wouldn't have to give up my craft room....hehehe) |
Muttley | Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 08:03 am     It's serendipity that this thread was atop the list this morning. My husband just organized my recent behaviors for me last night and guess what? I may be a *tad* depressed. LOL Semi-empty nest syndrome. I'm in a weird situation, one that most think precludes ENS. My daughter left for college this fall. She's from my first marriage, and we are VERY close; we have been through a lot together, and our senses of humor entertain each other. I have two little ones from my current marriage (son is 6, daughter is 11 months), so most of my peers assume I'm just grateful to be back in the "little children, little problems" phase of life. Well, I'm not. First of all, I miss her presence. Yes, as high school wore on, she was rarely really "here". She had school, sports, friends, boyfriends, job, etc. But I still physically miss her. Secondly, this house was the hangout house, and I was sort of the "go-to" Mom. So not only did my own daughter leave, but all my surrogate daughters and sons have gone, too. It's so quiet now! Unsettling. They call and email me, but obviously, it's not the same. And it almost underscores the fact of my daughter's absence. Third, I am almost 41 years old, and my bridge to "total" motherhood has moved out. Now I feel weird about having a baby on my hip at this age, when I never did before. Strange, isn't it? Mostly, I think what bothers me is the fact that even when she comes home, things will now be different. This phase of our lives is a new one, and the one that just ended will never be returned, or recreated. The process of letting her go that began almost as soon as I had her back in 1984 is taking this huge step, and no matter how ready I am for it to be thus, I resent it just the same. The symptoms my husband was referring to? Let's see...... Most troubling, I can't seem to finish anything I start. There are unfinished tasks all over the house, and since I work from home, it's a double nightmare. Also, I still shop and cook from my old habits of having her (and the rest of them) here. I haven't opened her door since she left-- I try to ignore that there's no one in there. LOL I slept 11 hours Sunday! OMG, that's impossible! See what I mean? Despite all of that, it's just a phase, and it will pass. Think of how you had to get used to them when they first entered your life; so, too must you get used to them when they leave. Her university provided tips for getting freshmen over homesickness, and I think they also apply in the reverse. I write her short, chatty emails with insignificant family details, so that she'll still feel connected. It helps me, too. She seems to be doing so well, and I am so proud of her , so it helps that there's no melodrama. Obviously, the focus on my other two kids is a huge help, and though I'm not grateful (as people assume) that it's just us and the young'uns, the concentration on watching my son and my little daughter learn their worlds is as gratifying as knowing my eldest daughter is continuing her own learning experience. Advice for Vanillarose before the ENS hits? Enjoy these few years. They are fun humans at this point! But when they behave like little turds, it's good to remember they'll be someone else's turd soon. LOL Let the small things go, because their decision-making process has to become their own, and to do so requires mistakes. It'll help with ENS because you will know they are capable, not dependent. Buy extra-long sheets. And the towel 6 packs and mac & cheese by the case at your wholesale club. And the cute refrigerator. All a little bit ahead of time so that you aren't overwhelmed in late August of 2004. LOL (((Hugs))) to those of you in this thread who are experiencing similar things. I feel for you all! LOL side note to Egbok, I saw your note elsewhere about your college "kidlet" at Cornell! I am regularly at that campus, through my job-- small world! To those of you who are really, truly done-- congrats! Nice work! |
Katlady53 | Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 08:38 am     Muttley, I can really relate to part of what you are going through. I have been a single mom since my children were 3 and 5. Call me crazy, but I've never remarried. My daughter is my baby, and when she went away to school for a year 1/2, I felt like I was lost at sea. I think it made a huge difference in my relationship with both of my children that I basically raised them alone. We experienced things together than no one else could possibly understand. Strange as it may sound, when my daughter left, I felt like I had served my purpose and was no longer needed by anyone. It was almost as shocking as losing my sight or an arm overnight. Even though I thought I would be prepared for her leaving, I really wasn't. Nothing can prepare you for the sense of loss. I, too, remember roaming around the house and not accomplishing anything. I missed sharing her everyday life, and I missed all of her friends dropping by. Friends and family would say, "Wow, I bet you're happy to have the house all to yourself now!" All I could do was shake my head at how clueless they were. When my daughter decided to move back home and attend a local university last December, I was ecstatic. I love having my buddy back again. The only problem is that I know she'll eventually leave again after college, and I will have to go through the loss all over again. I don't have any advice for you. All I can offer are lots of hugs and good wishes. |
Secretsmile | Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 10:46 am     I am so glad to find others with the same feelings, it took us decades to be good mommies now we have to learn to be mother's I guess... |
Egbok | Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 11:32 am     Muttley, I posted in your folder. |
Muttley | Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 01:27 pm     Okay Katlady-- you're . kid-ding, but you cracked me up! That's it; the fact that since we were on our own for a time, and the responsibility was not shared-- it makes things more intense, I guess. You're a braver woman that I, I can tell you that-- two kids on your own for all that time. What they say is true-- we must all find a purpose in addition to our status and purpose as mothers. My purpose right now is to try and finish what I'm doing for work, toss some slop on the table , and get it all done before "Survivor" and BB3 begin. I have plans tonight! LOL This thread has warmed my heart. |
Jmm | Friday, October 04, 2002 - 11:17 pm     Well, it's been a while since anyone has been here but I'll post anyway. Have you ever thought of volunteering at a school in your area? They would be grateful to have you on your own schedule. There are so many things that those of us who work in schools need help with. Remember when your kids were learning to read and how you enjoyed the look on their face when they finished their first book? I guarantee that an elementary teacher would so appreciate the help, all you have to do is schedule with them for a couple of hours now and then and just listen to kids read. Not interested in working in the classroom? Teachers would love you forever if you volunteered and ran copies for handouts in class, cut up pieces for kindergarteners to past together. Volunteer to go on field trips (we all know how much an extra set of eyes help with 20 or so 1st graders. School volunteers are considered a very precious commodity to us. |
Sia | Saturday, October 05, 2002 - 06:41 am     Jmm, teachers always appreciate having extra "helping hands" when doing big craft projects with their students, too, especially in the younger grades with kids whose skills may be lacking (e.g., cutting with scissors) or for complex projects (mosaics, etc.); the more adults present to help the kids, the less frustrating it is for students who sometimes have to wait a while to get some one-on-one assistance. If your local school allows celebration of holidays, it's fun to make a special keepsake for each child in a classroom, as well. My Mom made stockings of fabric one year for all my classmates when she was room-mother. She also baked and decorated gingerbread cookies that were specific to the holiday: pumpkin shapes for Halloween, trees for Christmas, hearts for Valentine's Day, shamrocks for St. Patrick's Day. Please volunteer at your school's library or community library to help in the juvenile literature book-stacks. So many kids just jam books anywhere while browsing that the librarians just can't keep up with regular shelving, let alone checking the stacks for order. You can help the librarians return misplaced books to the proper locations or look for books that are thought to be lost. They're often just stuck on the wrong shelf! |
Wargod | Saturday, October 05, 2002 - 04:04 pm     Teachers love having someone around to help file and grade papers too. I know in my sons class where the teacher actually has the kids working every minute their in class, its a huge help for her to have someone do that stuf while she teaches. She's able to concentrate more on her class and less on the paperwork. Also if you have a unique job, special skills, or hobbies they love to have you come in and talk to the kids or do projects with them. My sons class had a local artist come in to class. She talked about what she did and then did an art project with the kids which they loved. |
Secretsmile | Friday, October 11, 2002 - 04:09 pm     I for one appreciate the thoughts about volunteering, but that's not exactly what I need. I need tips on re-starting a life not centered around little ones, Hints on how to deal with adult children, and even how the heck do you cook for only 2 people! LOL! We've been eating out, it's nice but not exactly how we want things to be on a daily basis. Perhaps the 'lost' feeling I've talked about has given you all the impression that I can't find anything to do, that's only a small part of what I personally am looking for help dealing with. LOL, as my husband says...there's always something to be done around here. I love you all, and all your responses, and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Liz |
Egbok | Friday, October 11, 2002 - 06:15 pm     Hi Secretsmile! I'm in the middle of cooking for 2 people right now and took some time to come here and check the boards and look what I found! Cooking for 2-3 people is such a difficult transition when you're used to having every around the dinner table. I'm having my own feelings about how to deal with it and if something comes up, I'll certainly share. All I know is that we do get hungry and if I don't feel like cooking, then it is fast food, take-out or go to a restaurant, which gets boring really quick! I do have a suggestion for you though! I'm hoping that your area offers adult education classes or classes at your local community college that might be of interest to you. Classes such as ceramics, photography, cooking (lol), specialized computer classes, calligraphy, painting, exercising...if I wasn't working full-time to help send the kidlets through college, that's what I'd be doing!! But then, that's me. Also, have you considered looking into the volunteer program at your local hospital? Our hospital has over 900 volunteers and they are life-savers to employees and patients alike! Well, got to get back to cooking dinner (yuk!) I hope some of my suggestions have been a little helpful to you. Notice that I didn't even mention how to deal with adult kids...that's a whole other couple of paragraphs! LOL!! Take care. ~Egbok |
Whit4you | Monday, November 25, 2002 - 06:52 pm     How are my fellow empty nesters doing? |
Marysafan | Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 07:28 am     The cooking thing is a big deal. First I bought cookbooks with recipes for two people. (forget that...it's never enough food and you will be hungry later). Just east what you are used to eating. They way I do it...is I still cook the same amount...then we eat leftovers...(somefoods are actually better when allowed to "sit" a day). that way...I don't have to cook so often. The other thing we do...we fix our plates and eat on the sofa. We are more comfortable there...and conversation is easier. My husband isn't the greatest conversationalist...and the silence created by the absence of the girls at the table was just too loud! When the girls come for dinner...we eat at the table at it seems so "special" now. I am finding time to do the things I used to wish for. I wish I had time to sit and read. I do. I wish I had time to sit and stitch. I do. I wish I had time to learn something new. I do. I wish I had more time to spend with my hubby. I do. I wish I had more time to keep in touch with my friends and family. I do. I wish I had time to research my family tree. I do. Remember those wishes...and fulfill them. Instead of focusing on what is no longer demanding your time...use you time to your fullest. Time and health are two of the most important thing you have. Try not to squander them. |
Earthmother | Wednesday, November 27, 2002 - 06:34 am     Never fear they return... Gotta go clean out the den/his room, (I flat refuse to give him my craft room) "heeee's baaaaaaack" ...there goes the peace and quiet..lol |
Djgirl5235 | Wednesday, November 27, 2002 - 10:12 am     Would anyone mind if I gave the "child's" perspective of the ENS? My parents divorced when I was 14 & my bro was 12. We lived permanently with my mom (*my absolute hero in life*). At 18 (most students in Ontario at that time were 19 when they left for university) I moved 4 hours away to university. I started getting calls and letters from my mom whenever she had a chance. I missed her terribly as well, and would call whenever I thought about it - we spoke at least twice a week. My mom's always been a "crafty" person, always knitting, crocheting, needle-working etc., so I didn't really notice that she was going through ENS, and Pre-ENS with my brother until I came home for Thanksgiving. After being home for about an hour, my step-dad looked at me, and looked at my mom, and declared that it's not hard to miss that I'm home since it's sooooo quiet when I'm not around. Well, my brother moved out two years later to start school (I had moved back home by that point), and my mom went through it again but to a lesser degree... Finally, about 4 years later, both of us had finally moved out, and she had the house to herself, and proceeded to transform my room into a craft room for herself, my brothers was stripped of all his stuff and turned into the guest bedroom and the third bedroom was turned into a home office for her & my step-dad. It's quite interesting when we're all home together - who gets the bed, and who gets to sleep on the couch?! Since right now, my boyfriend and I are the only "couple" that's been home at once, we get the spare room, but this Christmas night should be interesting - first come, first serve which means that my bf & I get the couches... My brother did move home this summer for a few months between graduating from college & starting in the army, and I swear my mom went through something at that point again, but she got through it a lot faster this time. That's about all I can remember... I just know that she's kept herself really busy over the years, and the added bonus of having a new husband through the beginning ENS helped I'm sure! |
Sia | Wednesday, November 27, 2002 - 01:02 pm     Djgirl, thanks for the reminder that there are always at least two sides to an issue. It must seem strange or insensitive for parents to re-do their adult child's room without even consulting her!! Well, I hope no disagreements erupt over the accommodations this holiday!!  |
Djgirl5235 | Thursday, November 28, 2002 - 05:55 am     Oh of course not, Sia! I've been out of the house for over 6 years now, and I'm used to having to "fight" over the accomodations with my brother. It's no big deal. As a matter of fact, since my brother has gotten back together with the witch, I have a feeling they'll be at her parents for Christmas night this year, so my boyfriend and I won't have to worry about a place to sleep that night! |
Sia | Thursday, November 28, 2002 - 07:23 pm     Djgirl, I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving! |
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