Divorce support/info.....
TV ClubHouse: Archive: Divorce support/info.....
Jkm | Friday, October 25, 2002 - 11:16 am     My sis is at the beginning of what looks like a real nasty one. Where are good places for her to go for support/venting/information? 2 kids -- one with special needs...... It's pretty rough right now and us family have a hard time being impartial.... |
Djgirl5235 | Friday, October 25, 2002 - 12:50 pm     How old are the kids? We had a support group at my highschool for children of divorced families - a great place for those of us who didn't know what the heck was going on at home, and feeling like outsiders everywhere else... We all had a place where we felt we belonged and were accepted. You could turn your sister towards your neighborhood church, or what my mom did was turned toward the "Self-Help" section of the bookstore as well as a few very close friends. That's the best I can think of... |
Northstar | Friday, October 25, 2002 - 03:38 pm     Jkm, sorry to hear this. For friends and family, I always recommend the book, "Crazy Times" by Abigail Trafford. It has some great advice on how to muddle through and maintain a sense of self-dignity. Some chapters are challenging to read (because a person doesn't want to hear it) but they'll benefit by turning the pages. The kids are another matter. I use to lead "Kids of Divorce" groups at the elementary level and divorce is incredibly distructive for kids. There are some fairly good kids books that help them understand a bit; look in the kids section at Barnes, Borders, Amazon, etc. Although there are many, one of the biggest issues for kids "fault/blame". Let them know over and over and over and over and over that it's not their fault. Saying it a once won't cut it and saying it a few times within the first month or two won't either. This should be a conversation over the years, at different developmental stages. Another issue is consistent parenting. Even if dad isn't very good at it, mom needs to be. I found that kids in the upper grade levels were pretty focused on money/child support. They really resented being in the middle of things. Something for you to keep aware of when talking/listening to her is that what you say now in support of her may haunt your relationship later. Calling him a low-life schmuck may not be the best way to go. Oh, and prayer helps too. Best to you and your family. |
Strawberry | Friday, October 25, 2002 - 03:43 pm     Here's some links that might help your sister. Hope it helps Divorce Source Divorce Net |
Whit4you | Friday, October 25, 2002 - 04:45 pm     "You never REALLY know someone, until you divorce them' (Been the quote in my profile on AOL for many years) |
Schoolmarm | Monday, October 28, 2002 - 05:28 am     See my advice to Machelle in the "Thank you --Machelle" thread about sleep...or lack thereof. My biggest advice is to get the best lawyer you possibly can. Maybe that is my best advice because I was divorced from a lawyer....actually the whole frigging law firm. NOT FUN! Two and a half years in court, and we didn't even have kids or much property. It's not nasty for everyone, though. My brother has two kids and is doing some kind of shared custody that is really working well. He doesn't like to talk about it, he's just real matter of fact about things. His ex-wife went off the deep end and left and he thought that she would commit suicide if he got custody of the kids. So far, things are working out and she is stabilizing somewhat....still scraping stray guys up off the bar floor, but at least she is not in the mental ward anymore. BUT that's another story. We wouldn't have even known that they were officially divorced except for I (read that as NOSEY SISTER) would ask him every once in a while whether he was still married or divorced. One day he said that he had to go to court the next day. NEVER said a word to anyone else in the family. Drove Mom nuts that she didn't know, but my brother is the closed mouthed type and that is his way of coping. He didn't want any of my self-help books, either. Each person heals in a different way. Usually the person who initiates the divorce heals faster and with less trauma, mostly because they have been thinking about it for a longer time. They typically have either a sense of relief OR severe guilt. The person who "gets left" may have a self esteem that is totally non-existant, adjustment problems, and may lose their ability to trust for a long time. The books "Creative Divorce" and "Letting Go" were most helpful for me. Creative Divorce in that it let me view Divorce in a new light....as a solution to a problem and that I wasn't going to burn in hell for being divorced. Letting Go was FABULOUS. I still remember reading it when I was at a conference in Phoenix lounging by the pool. One statement certainly struck me. It said that unless you go through certain steps to heal (which would take 6 months or so) it would take you half as long as your relationship to get over it. Well! I already gave my ex 10 years....no way was I going to give him 5 more! Good luck to anyone going through a divorce...I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy, even though I'm glad NOT to be married to my ex. |
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