Wife on Strike
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Archive through October 01, 2002 25   10/01 01:26pm

Squaredsc

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 02:00 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
goddess, "does it plump when you cook it..." roflmao. sorry guys, i just can't get into the serious side after reading that. sorry weinermr, but it was funny.

Babyruth

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 02:07 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I agree that chore assignments should be discussed and shared between all household members.
Even the dogs can do their part:
bigjujuandliljujuhelpwashdishes

Wargod

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 02:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I will add my thoughts on what Kar and Gail brought up.

When I worked, household chores were split. Hubby took care of most the outdoor stuff, and I did indoor, though he would help inside just as I would help outside. But, this is the man who drops his socks in the middle of the living room floor for me to pick up every night, LOL.

His idea of clean and mine were two different things. I think for the kitchen to be cleaned, counters should be washed, the floor swept and mopped and the trash taken out. He thinks if dishes are done, then its clean.

When I quit work, I took over the majority of the household chores. Clean, cook (no laughing here!,) taking the kids everywhere, cleaning cars, unplugging the toliet, and all shopping. The only things I don't do are busted water pipes, and anything that requires tools, LOL.

When I worked....housework was split pretty even...now I do most of it. I don't complain....he's working two jobs, I'm just taking care of three people.

I do have a few things that annoy me...the socks in the middle of the floor, the dishes he leaves sitting all over the place...the stupid roll of toliet paper that he sets next to the toliet instead of putting it on the thingamagiggy. But, that's my fault. I don't ask him to pick up after himself. I don't point out that we have a hamper to use for dirty clothes, or that it really bugs me to see the tp on the floor. I let him get away with it.

Same goes for the kids...there are times its easier for me too their chores myself than argue with them about it. Totally my fault again. I see their rooms are a mess.......I go clean them up, pick up their clothes, their toys....and so on.

As has been pointed out to me...."why would they change when you do everything for them?" They won't, I'll keep on doing what I've been doing and they'll keep on doing what they're doing because I don't want to have to nag my own family.

I have no one to blame but myself....strike sounds nice, but do you know how much work I'd have to do when it was over?????

Karuuna

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 03:00 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
War, just curious, I wonder why you think *nagging* is the only option, esp with your kids?

It seems to me that as a parent, you have to teach your kids what real life is like. To them, the version of real life they are learning from you is that you will do their work for them. Um, kind of what your husband prolly learned so that he doesn't feel obligated to pick up after himself.

With my son, I learned to accept that he wouldn't do as "good" a job as I would when cleaning his room, or picking up his stuff. As he gets older, he does better. I had to give up my *ideal* view of how things should be done, in order to give him a chance to learn how to pick up after himself, to feel competent, and to feel like he makes a valuable contribution to our home - all important factors in developing his self esteem.

Maybe if you think about it that way, you can convince yourself that it's not about nagging, but it's about instilling your children with the self confidence they need to be successful in life.

Plus, you don't really have to nag. Young kids are really into schedules and rules. So, if you sit them down sometime and say this is the house rule: You'll clean up your room on Saturday mornings before lunch. Then on Saturdays you remind them firmly but kindly that it's "room-cleaning" time. And.. *help* them. Make it fun. We had a great big toy box in my son's room, and it was great fun seeing how far we could get away, and still get the unbreakable items in the box. Same with dirty laundy. And we made up little songs to sing while we were "working."

Now, he does it pretty much on his own (at 8) er, provided I remind him to. But if he fails to get it done by noon, I remind him gently that we can't go do whatever fun thing we had planned for that day, since he didn't get his room done. Or that I can't play with him (as much as I want to!), because now I have to do his chores for him. No meanness, no nagging. Just a quiet statement of fact. It works very well, since he really enjoys the times we spend together; and since I don't guilt him about things.

As for your hubby, there are a coupla ways you might go. One, you can decide that you pick up after him as a way of showing him you care and appreciate whatever it is that he does for you. Then each time you pick something up, you can remind yourself of that, and let go of any lingering resentment.

Or, you can think about it this way. Women often think that when a man does these little things it's an expression of love and appreciation for their spouse. Conversely, when they don't do it, you may see it as him not caring about and appreciating you. Men, however, typically don't think of it that way. (Note - I said "typically". No male bashing here. :) ) Perhaps if you express it to him that way, that you need him to do those things as a reminder of his caring for you, it might go over better than "nagging" him.

Just some ideas for you to ponder. YMMV (Your mileage may vary!)

Rissa

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 03:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wargod, my tale is almost the same as yours. When I worked, hubby and I did everything down the middle. I mowed the lawn and cleaned out gutters as often as he did, and he did as much laundry and dishes as I did. If it needed doing, whoever was free did it. Once I stayed home, the change was amazing! He immediately stopped doing ANYTHING around the house at all, including yard work. Lasted about 6 months then I sat him down for a long talk. The gist being that he works 9-5, so why should I work 24/7? I stayed home to be a mother, not a maid. So now, I work from home and do any cleaning and cooking, etc. that needs doing during that time. But once he is home from work, we are both OFF THE CLOCK and housework is again up for grabs.

We do have different ideas of clean though. I can put up with a lot of clutter as long as the house is CLEAN! Hubby does not clean so much as stuff *clutter* in the nearest drawer and be satisfied. I can vacuum, mop, dust, etc. but if he walks in the door and the girls have left shoes on the front mat... then to him, it's a pigsty. I see clean floors, he sees shoes. :) I can spend literally HOURS cleaning one bathroom and not get anything else done that day. LOL

Hubby has an obsession with our pantry, the foods have to be in categories and the boxes lined up according to size. So that's HIS job. LOL He would never ask me to do it, because he knows it's not something that's important for me to spend my time on.

I agree with a lot of you, that it sounds like this woman has no communication skills. This is her husband, not an enemy marauder. How many years has she been letting this fester? For Lordy's sake, just ask him to pitch in!! And if he enjoys having time alone with his buddies, then do the same. Don't sit at home and get angry about it.

Halfunit

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 03:06 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Omigosh you guys, I didn't intend for this to turn into guys versus girls!!

Here's the scenario in my house:

I am away 45 hours a week at work
Hubby is away 40 hours a week at work (plus court time which varies)

I cut the grass
He does the dishes
I clean the bathroom
He takes out the trash
He cleans the catbox (heh heh)
We do our own laundry, but I pick up the towels/bedding loads
I dust when I feel like it (I've been known to grab the pressurized canned air once in a while and use it on the bookshelf, lol)
I "swiffer" the hardwood floor when I feel like it
We vacuum when there is more cat hair on the carpet than visable carpet, which is about every 4-5 days

We pay for snow removal
We pay for car maintenance (but I'm the one who drops it off and gets a loaner while it's being worked on)
We rotate on giving one cat her insulin.

So our house is pretty balanced. I work 1st shift, he works 2nd, so dinner is a non-issue. We fend for ourselves because he knows I'm not waking up at 1am to make him dinner!

I'd say his worst habit is leaving dirty dishes scattered throughout the house. Mine is leaving hairspray all over the bathroom counter and floor. But since he does the dishes and I clean the bathroom, it doesn't really matter!!

Edited to say: I also handle the checkbook and pay the bills (at his request too!!). He gets a $10 a day allowance from me, which I think is ample!

Rissa

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 03:08 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
P.S. Oh $&^%%!! {G} I have such an issue with the word nagging. Wife asks hubby or child to do something (in short order). Half an hour later, task still isn't done, wife asks again. Repeat this a few more times till wife is angry and she is called a nag. This is the typical situation, right? Drives me nuts! To me nagging is if I ask someone to do something before Thursday (for example) and then bring it up a dozen more time btn now and Thursday. That's nagging. The majority of women accused of being nags do NOT fit in that category.

{rant over, will return TVCH soapbox to it's proper storage location}

Dahli

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 03:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Excellent post Karuuna - very well said and I agree totally with all your points, as that is exactly how it worked for me and my yungun's - all of whom did for themselves from a very young age and were proud of themselves as a result.... self sufficient and self supporting happy campers all!!

Wargod

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 03:49 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
First as for nagging...if I have to repeat something over and over, it feels to me like nagging. We've made very clear to the kids what they're chores are and when its to be done. Somethings there are no arguments...homework, setting the dinner table, cleaning the table after dinner, helping with dishers, feeding their pets and picking up the living rooms are chores I insist on being done. These things are to be done, and the kids know it.

But, I have another set of chores for them as well, which include picking up their clothes, toys, and books, cleaning their room, helping clean the den are things they do to earn their allowances. They know that Saturday is the day they should clean their bedrooms, I remind them once in the morning and if it isn't done that night they lose allowance or priveledges. For example, Caleb's been without his Nintendo for awhile now. The first week he didn't want to clean his bedroom, he lost allowance, the second week, I told him the nintendo was next. Now, to get it back he will have to not only clean his room, but will have to keep it clean for few weeks.

I'm a firm believer in NOT arguing with my kids. I'm the mom...I set rules, remind them once, then deal with it accordingly. I don't spank them, I prefer to deal with punishment as taking away a favorite toy, or them not being allowed outside to play. They do the chores they know they have to, and for the ones that earn them allowance and privelages, if they don't do them, they don't get the goodies. I won't argue with them, and I won't repeatedly tell them...I just take away something they enjoy and clean their rooms myself, LOL.

As I said, I know its my fault. I let them get away with it. I just think they need to learn that there are things in life you're expected to do, and there are things you can do to get rewards (rather its a hug and a thank you or a couple bucks to buy a new toy or whatever.) If they don't do those chores, they don't get the rewards.

LOL, am I making any sense?

Mystery

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 06:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I'm laughing my head off reading this whole thread. It reminds me of a book called "Alamo House" by Sarah Bird. At the beginning a graduate student is talking about moving in with her boyfriend. She says "I knew when I moved in with him that he was as ignorant about housework as Louis XIV. What I hadn't bargained on was ending up as the entire janitorial staff at Versailles" and "I'd started off very New Age with a contract dividing duties: Roger take out trash. Mary Jo mop kitchen floor. Roger mow lawn. Mary Jo vacuum and dust house. Roger pick up his socks. Mary Jo clean bathroom. The terms were generous. Roger agreed to them. As soon as I'd moved in, however, he paid as much attention to his contractual obligations as a Tobriand Islander."

Karuuna

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 07:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
War, I guess I'm confused, because it doesn't sound like they're "getting away with it". Even if you do their chores for them, it sounds like there are reasonable consequences to me.

And while I know reminding them can be frustrating (very frustrating!), I don't consider that nagging, myself. I think of how in school they have to repeat the same things over and over and over to learn them. I see reminders the same way... repetition that helps them learn.

Then again, just call me Pollyanna.

Wargod

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 09:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Ok, I'm not too with it today, Kar, LOL.

I like to teach them things....being responsible, earning rewards, and that there are consequences when things aren't done (like all parents I know, LOL.) While the kids do the chores they know they have no choice on, I'm thinking "great, they're learning what it is to belong to a family, and that everyone has to chip in sometimes." When they lose tv/video games or allowances for not cleaning their rooms, and I go behind them and clean it for them....I wonder what kind of message I'm sending them, and what I'm teaching them by doing that.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just say thats it..you will do this or that, and forget trying to let them earn privelages and allowances..but the they aren't learnng about working hard for something....I let them get away with it. I could just leave their rooms a mess....but I don't, cuz it drives me nuts.

I could also tell hubby to pick socks up off floor, but don't, and everynight...I find myself irritated by having to do it.

Sometimes being a parent is hard, LOL. I guess I'm having trouble seeing where the line is between teaching them life's lessons and how much I should be doing for them.

Sia

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 09:30 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Karuuna, you sound like a totally rational, fully-reasoning, generous, kind, and sweet woman. When I adopt that tone with my family, they run roughshod over me; I become a doormat and nothing gets done. I thought I was supposed to yell and have a tantrum and totally screw up my kids emotionally the way my parents messed me up, LOL! Isn't that the way it's supposed to work? In your plan, where's the GUILT? Where's the anger? Where's the hostility? Where are the threats, bribery, and bargaining?

Seriously now, I hate repeating my requests at least four or five times before the kids comply. We have some straightforward rules around here: when you come in the house, put your shoes on the shoe-rack, hang up your coat, empty the backpack, unpack the lunchbox, help Mama put away things, etc. THEN go play. (This applies to my six-year-old.)

First thing in the morning, take off your p.j.s and put on some play-clothes--before heading outdoors to the sandbox. I don't think it's unreasonable for my four-year-old to have to get dressed before going outside. I also insist on brushing/styling her hair before her playtime begins. Oh, and I'd like her to have breakfast, too. They think I'm totally unreasonable.

I can't even begin to explain DH. He's actually just a part-time husband. About three days per week he is actually an alien impersonating my husband and is hostile, angry and accusatory. The rest of the time he's not so bad and seems more like the big goof I married. I think I need Mulder and Scully to check out the abduction angle, though. It's weird that they keep him for a day and release him, then snatch him back up again so quickly. Downright weird, not to mention scary! I never know which one of them is going to walk in the back door!

Karuuna

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 10:36 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
War - I'm usually not very with it myself! :)

Actually I do much the same thing you do, it seems. There are certain basic tasks that are my son's responsibility. He *has* to do them, no buts about it. However, I choose not to tie it to allowance. He gets his allowance by virtue of being a member of this household. However, if he doesn't do his set chores, something else is the consequence. Usually it is that he can't have friends over to play, or go somewhere or do something with me. Those are very strong motivators for him, so they work really well.

If he wants something extra, a toy or trading cards that he can't cover with his allowance, I'll give him a list of things he can do to earn the money to get those things. Sometimes he's willing, sometimes he's not. But he's learning that if he wants something, he's got to work for it. He's quite the negotiator tho. He keeps trying to get more pay for the work he does.

Note that we've had this system in place for about 3 years, and it only started to gel for him this last year; where I do minimal reminders, and he comes to me to *ask* me what he can do to earn some money. It either took him 3 years to figure out how it works, I'm a lousy teacher, or he had to be 8 to get it. I'm thinking it's mostly the last part - he needed the maturity to be able to remember things better himself, and to really understand how the system works to his benefit. I really do think it can take that long, and the constant reminders and consequences for kids to get the point.

I know some folks who charge their kids if they have to do their chores for them. Seems like a reasonable way to go. For me, all I had to do was say, Hey, I really wanted to take you to the movies this afternoon, but if your chores aren't done, I'll have to stay here and do them instead. That was something that really worked, because he seems to really like hanging out with me. Go figure. I think that maybe that's the key, finding the unique things that motivate each of your children.

As for your sock-spilling hubby, I'd strongly urge you to find another way to deal with things, other than doing things you resent. That will always come back to haunt you later. So you could try to reframe it as a gift you give him out of your love and appreciation for him; or find a way to sit down and talk with him about how much it bothers you, and how much you need him to show his appreciation for you by taking care of his socks himself. Maybe?

Karuuna

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 10:48 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Sia wrote: <<Karuuna, you sound like a totally rational, fully-reasoning, generous, kind, and sweet woman.>. LOL, you really don't know me very well. Seriously, thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot to me!

I thought your first paragraph was very funny. There's something to be said for all that guilt! And tantrums? I always thought when I grew up I would have all the tantrums I wanted, and no one to tell me not to! Sigh.

I use to repeat myself more often too. I'd have to ask four or five times. And my kid would dutifully wait till the fourth or fifth time before he complied. Then I got smart. I started asking twice, and before the second time I would say, this is the *last* time I'm asking you. If you don't do it, such-and-such will happen. And I stuck to it. Now he dutifully waits until the second time I ask before he does things. :)

I think you can be nice, and not be a doormat. You just have to stick to your promises. If you say, this is the last time I'm asking you, then make it the last time. Go right to the dire consequence you threatened them with, and don't back down even if they start doing whatever it is you asked them to do. You'll get some tears and tantrums the first few times. It really doesn't take long to get them retrained, if you're consistent, firm AND nice.

I don't really have specific time tables, and I think I'm prolly a little more laid back about things than you might be. My son comes in, tosses his backpack on the floor, his lunchbox somewhere between the door and the tv. I leave them there, and let him decompress a bit. It doesn't take long before he asks if he can call a friend, or do whatever. And then I politely say, "Sure! As soon as your things are put up." More and more he puts his things up *before* he asks me, cause he already knows my answer.

But believe me, it didn't happen overnight. It takes lots of patient, and firm restating of the requirements. But he's getting it.

As for your hubby, wow, you've got it pretty rough. That's a lot to deal with, and my heart goes out to you. I know that can't help as you're trying to work thru all the parenting issues too.

Wargod

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 10:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Caleb is 6...last year we had few problems with the chores to earn money and treats.....gotten worse this year. It was so cute how proud he was when we'd go into Walmart and he'd take half an hour picking out something he wanted....and then paying for it with money he earned. He was so proud..now it's like, oh well. I'm thinking its probably time for a new motivater for him.

The socks with hubby started out as a joke. Now its not too funny. I once again accept responsibility for that though, LOL. When I quit work to stay home I went through about a week of thinking I was superwoman. House was spotless, kids were spotless, homework done, dinner ready...I could do it all! Then it dawned on me I was working my butt off, LOL. Now though, I feel a little guilty...hubby works two jobs, helps with homework, and helps in bedtime rituals for kids (baths, brushing teeth, bedtime stories.) I feel like I'm being petty...and yet, I know that I'm not really! He's a grown man, he knows where the hamper is, it's not that hard to drop his own clothes there! You know....I think I will follow your advice....and talk to him about it. I know for a fact he knows how to take care of himself and pick up after himself!

Karuuna

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 10:58 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Good luck, War. I have a dear male friend who insists that men are trainable, much like dogs. You just need to patiently and kindly show them what to do; and then fuss over them and pet them like crazy when they get it right. Who knew it was so easy?

Karuuna

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 10:59 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
oh, but no hitting them on the nose with a newspaper. Really, I understand that doesn't work at all....

Riviere

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 11:44 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Good advice, Karuuna, but after 20 years you can swat them with the stockmarket page, they'll even smile if you do that before asking a stupid question like, mowing the lawn today, honey? I kept a 'spotless' house in my first so called perfect marriage, that lasted 4 years, museum perfect, I was a moron.. Marry someone you could spend life with not married, that's Mr. Right :)
I tease a lot, but my husband treats me like a princess, so I have to pretend to be one! :)

Sia

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 05:24 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh, you guys! I'm cracking up reading these posts. Karuuna, thanks for responding, and I do recognize that the dog-treatment is pretty effective in dealing with my husband. He wants to be made over, just not petted roughly. He doesn't even like a back-rub, actually. Now, if he were a cat, I'd have already worn the shine right off him!!

I need more time to respond to this, but have a very busy day planned today. Later I will describe my husband's passive-aggressive tendencies and see if you can help me with some of those issues.

Rissa

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 06:52 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Most of our tactics have been stated, maybe slightly altered. My 13 year old was born responsible {G}, just a fluke of nature and I can't really take credit for it. I would TRY but I have two others who put me back in my place. LOL

We also have certain tasks that are not negotiable. Sometime before they head for school, beds must be made, quality varies with age of daughter in question. After school they have a snack then the older two empty the dishwasher and the 6 year old puts the shoes/coats away. Then it's homework time. After that there is not much. I expect them not to MAKE mess (or clean up their own) and to bring me their dirty clothes every couple days. Allowance depends strictly on the above, not the myriad of little jobs that we set them to during the week (grab me some flour from the pantry please type). We don't totally take away their allowance but we will hold it back until the next week for the following: doing tasks only after severe attitude, fighting with a sister, lying. Doesn't happen very often.

We have a once-told rule. If I ask them to do something in order to get a certain reward (ie, if you want me to take you to the library then I need the dishwasher filled) and they don't do it, then they will be told a second time but the reward is gone.

I am rereading and thinking I sound pretty stern :) But actually my kids are really great and we seldom have any arguements over chores at all. My six year old is the only one who really needs constant reminders (ahh, to be 6). We tell her if she can't clean her room (and trust me, we don't expect anything close to actual cleanliness from her) then we will take her toys away to make the job easier. We put a few of her favorites in a garbage bag and stick them in the furnace room. She gets them back after a few days of her room staying half-decent.

I hate yelling, I hate tension in the house, I hate crying, upset children. I have found that by being really clear on what my expectations are and what the consequences will be that we don't have a lot of those problems. The girls know that I don't get emotional when they don't do something, it's no skin-off-my-nose and the consequences are all on them. So they don't try to whine or manipulate their way out of jobs.

My biggest problem with hubby is the time expectation. RFLOL! I say "Could you start a load of laundry please?", he says Yes!! But hours later its' not done. If I actually want it done then I have to phrase it "Could you start a load of laundry RIGHT NOW for me please, so I can get another load in within the hour?" then he gets up and does it. LOL If I don't put a time limit on it, then he figures next week will work out just fine. Actually my biggest problem with hubby is that he is never home to order around.. he lives on a golf course. But that's another topic. :)

Karuuna

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 08:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Riviere - hehehe... does the sports page work as well? What about the comics? Or do you have to match the newspaper section to the particular personality of your spouse?

Sia - lol re wearing the shine off. You sound like you have a great attitude for all you have to deal with. I really admire that. I'll look forward to hearing more from you!

Rissa - a child that was born responsible? That can't be! Maybe we need to study this child and see if we can transfer those genes to the rest of ours! You don't sound strict at all to me, you sound more like a great and caring mom, with a very happy family!

Rissa

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 08:56 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Karuuna, Thanks!! We really went through he** with our oldest. She was/is very emotional, VERY!! When she was little, she cried constantly. We would call up the stairs that it was dinner and she would start wailing and bashing her head into walls. It seemed like it took nothing to set her off, would bite her arms, pull her own hair out for being asked if she would rather have a cookie or pudding. We actually put her in with a child pysch. when she was THREE!!! After two years of being ridiculed by family (my in-laws never passed by an opportunity to make a comment about how THEIR children might not be perfect but they were never pyscho), we changed doctors who told us the poor kid was allergic to milk. I always thought of food allergies as having a physical reaction, not emotional. We stopped the milk and got a different kid within hours. She is still very sensitive and a bit of a perfectionist (re: herself). She will give away anything of hers, if you just mention that you like it. LOL She has no concept of giving 100%, that's not enough effort for her and she beats herself up if she can't reach her own expectations. LOL Even though it turned out that she never needed the pysch., just a good allergist... I think those two years gave us such an understanding of her mental gears that we are just totally in tune. Did that make sense? With her, it's never a matter of getting her to help, it getting her to STOP and relax and quick worrying about doing ENOUGH! LOL She's an awesome kid and I really don't deserve her :)

Wargod

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 09:06 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Rissa, maybe your 13 year old can come give lectures to the rest of ours? LOL. You don't sound strict at all...there are certain rules, guidelines and chores that are just...mandatory, or the kids turn into little monsters.

When it comes to the chores around here that are "do them and keep the privelages you have, earn allowance, or don't do them and lose out," I feel like I'm a pushover. I tell them, they don't do it, lose something, I clean it up for them. Wondering if I should change tactics, LOL.

Last year we had a problem with kota. She'd go into her room, tear everything out of her closet, dresser and toy box, and pile it in the middle of the floor. I'd take her in, help her clean it up, it'd be fine for a few weeks, then she'd do it again. After the third time, I walked in with boxes and trash bags, sent her to the living room, and went to work. When she came back in, she found that all of her toys, except the baby she sleeps with were gone, her dresser was in the closet, and there was a lock on the closet door. The deal was if she made her bed (what do you expect from a 3year old!) brought her clothes to the hamper, and kept things straightened up, she'd get a few toys back. After about two months, she had about a quarter of her toys back. She told me that was enough, and she was happy about it, LOL. We haven't had that problem since then, though I still have the dresser in the closet and a lock on the door!

Kar, if I can't use the rolled up newspaper on hubby......how about a squirt gun? I've heard that helps with dogs.

Karuuna

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 12:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wow, Rissa - what a story! I love milk, I think I'm addicted to it, and if they took it away I'll probably go totally insane. Your daughter does sound like an awesome kid, and you sound like an awesome parent for working so hard with her and not giving up.

War - maybe the only tactic you may need to change is to make sure that whatever the kids are losing really matters to them. I know with my son, that's a constantly changing thing. I used to take away his Nintendo, or certain toys, but he quickly got over that, so it wasn't terribly effective.

As for Kota, her behavior isn't at all unusual for a three year old. She's just experimenting and learning about "things" when she drags all her stuff out. It's your job to teach her how to clean up after those experiments. Sounds like a perfectly normal kid to me, and sounds like you're doing a great job. :)

I wonder if you should think about relaxing a bit more about all this stuff. From everything you've said it sounds like you're doing a terrific job as a parent, except maybe you worry a little too much that things aren't quite right.

But a great parent isn't a parent that makes everything run perfectly. A great parent is the one who keeps adjusting to their kids as they grow and their needs change. That may mean it feels like everything is never quite as good as you might think it should be. That's actually a sign that things are just as they should be - constantly changing and constantly growing, both you and them.

As for the hubby, I like the squirt gun idea. I can just picture you hiding behind the couch or door, and when he drops those old socks on the floor, you pop up and squirt him. Can you send video?

Wargod

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 01:33 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL, will do Kar! Do you mean to say I'm not perfect????

Rissa, sounds like you have an awesome kid. And that you're a wonderful, caring parent.