If You Could Turn Back Time....
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: If You Could Turn Back Time....

Whoami

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 06:19 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Have you ever had an incident/experience that you wish you would have handled differently? Here's the thread for it....

Mine was several years ago. I was in a mall in the early hours, just after the mall had opened. Hardly any patrons around yet. I was in the ladies room, closed up and isolated in my own little stall. I hear a woman come in, with a crying little girl, I also hear the woman tell a little boy to wait for her out in the hallway. The woman is screeching obcenities at the little girl, and telling her to "shut up," "stop crying," "hurry up," and things like that.

This escalates into her calling the girl names, and belittling her, and basically letting her know that she has somehow caused this terrible stress in the woman's day (presumedly, because the girl had to use the restroom, when the woman had "better" things to do?).

I'm so shocked and uncomfortable, that I clam up and hide out in my little stall, making sure I make no noises that will let the woman know I am there. At one point, she snaps at the little girl to stay where she is, while she checks on the boy. Her tone of voice changed so dramatically when she opened the door to the hall. "Hi sweetie, are you okay? We'll be out in a minute." Then, after the door to the hallway closes, back to screeching at the little girl.

I'm thinking, is the woman showing a sick favoritism towards the boy, while abusing the girl? Or is she just being sweet when talking into the hallway, in case someone out there hears her? Is she treating the girl this way because she thinks she is alone in the restroom?

The girl finishes in her stall, and heads out to the sinks. The girl is still crying, and saying something. Finally, the woman screams, "shut up, shut up! I HATE you. You're SH*T! You're Garbage!"

I am absolutly floored. I want so bad to come bursting out of my stall and give the woman what-for like she's never had it, and to take the little girl into my arms and hug her and let her know how special she is. Why didn't I do that? Never mind the fact that I wasn't exactly in a position to jump up and out of the stall at a moments notice. I could have cleaned up and re-dressed if I had to. Instead, I hide out in my stall and wait for them to leave.

I sit there for a minute. Shocked. Seething. Seething at the woman, and at myself for hiding out. I finish up, flush, and head out to the sink. Suddenly, I hear another flush, and another woman comes out of her stall at the far end.

There were TWO OF US in there, who sat there and hid, while this poor child was getting abuse worse than a physical thrashing.

I've analyzed why I did what I did (or rather, didn't do what I should have). It would be interesting to hear what you think, before I talk about my analysis.

The woman had talked about going to pick up her glasses at the optical store. Too little, too late, I went to the directory and looked up optical stores, and went to each one in the mall, looking for a woman with a little boy, and a distraught little girl (I never did see what any of them looked like). All the optical stores were empty. I don't know what I would have done if I'd found them. Call Security? Take hold of the woman, throw her on the ground and kick the living sh*t out of her? Confront her and let her know she was heard in there? *sigh*

It's an incident that will haunt me forever. I've often said prayers for that poor little girl. I wonder what ever became of her.

Twiggyish

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 06:26 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I would have called my biological father before he died. There were so many unresolved issues left unsaid and now it is too late.

Whoami

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 06:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I'm with you there on that one Twiggy. I never saw mine again since the age of 3 (in my mid-40's now). Found out he died last Feb. So many things, I'll never know now.

Faerygdds

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 06:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Whoami:

I hate to hear stories like that... I have been in a number of disturbing situations like that. One include when my ex husband and I shared a large house with a family before we knew what that family was all about. We got along great with the parents and the kids, ages 12 and 15.

After we moved in things were different. We soon discovered that the young daughter's whining was all too normal and her brother's apathy was... understandable. The Mother had Chron's disease and my role inthe household was to help her clean and prepare meals for the kids. What I soon discovered was that she spent ALL her time on the computer while she ignored the needs of her children. I understand that she was going through a painful illness, but she made no effort to help them AT ALL. She yelled at them and complained to her husband incessantly.

It all came to a head one evening when the father had had enough of his son's apathy towards the situation which ended in his being thrown THROUGH a glass door. That was it. The incident started to escalate from there and I physically but myself between the father and son - both black belts in karate. I told the father in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to get to the som he had to go through me first and I WOULD file assault charges!

He called the police and upon their arrival the father spun a horrible tale about how his son had ATTACKED his mother - a total lie. I told the police the truth, but they had to believe the parents and they took him to jail. I was in tears. One fo the officers looked at me and asked me if I was ok and my reply was, "At least if he's in jail I know he'll live through the night... if he were here.. I have no idea.

I moved out 2 days later and immediately called Child Protective Services. They told me that they had younger kids - kids they could save - to worry about. A few days after we moved into our new home there was a knock at the door. It was the son... he had a black eye, a bloody lip, and a 2 inch gash on his head. I called the police.

I single handedly ripped an entire family apart. I raised those two teenagers for another 6 months before their grandmother stepped in and took them. I have never regretted what I did, but I don't take pride in it. It was a tough thing to do. I often wonder what happened to them and if they are ok. I know the parents divorced and the kid ended up split up between them and the grandmother. But for a brief period of time I know one thing - they were loved -- and the KNEW it!

We cannot change the things we have done in the past. We can't second guess them. They were the right thing to do at the moment - no matter what the reasons were.

Twiggyish

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 06:43 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
That's true Faery. We go on with our lives and don't look back. But then, sometimes it makes you wonder...

Kaili

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 06:58 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
When my grampa was in the hospital dying in ICU (I was 16) I visited him all the time. On the last day I saw him- I couldn't stand to see him with the vent in his mouth unable to talk or open his eyes. I held his hand and talked to him so he knew I was there- he squeezed my hand and everything- but I was too scared to kiss him or hug him that day. I had on all the other times that I visited but I just couldn't that time and it was the last time i ever saw him. I regret that I didn't do that.

I have also seen mothers yelling and swatting at their kids in stores and I feel to uncomfortable to say anything. I think for me it's mostly because of my age (I'm 24) and the fact that I don't have kids- I feel like these moms wouldn't listen to me or even think about anything I say. It's hard a lot of the time to get a lot of respect at my age from older people, particularly if they don't know you. I think it will be interesting once i start teaching though- I wonder how much weight parents put on the opinions of young teachrs when it comes to their kids. I keep imagining telling a parent something about their child and them not believing me or something because I am 20 years younger than they are.

Oh, and pregnant women who are smoking. They don't want to hear anyone else's opinion on that topic either. They obviously already know it's bad to do-- how could they not? Saying anything to them isn't going to probably enlighten them.

Whoami- you always come up with such good topics! Thank you!

Gail

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 07:04 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I wish I would have sent my dad the card I bought for his birthday sooner. His birthday was August 21 and he died on August 20, 1993, the day before his 60th birthday. I had been going through a really bad time in my life (probably the worst time in my whole life) and spaced off sending the card. My very first thought when I got the call that he had died was that the next day was his birthday and I hadn't sent his card.

It's been nine years now and every year at this time, I think about it. I've actually been thinking about this for the past week.

Bigd

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 07:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I have father issues too. My father is alive and living in my hometown, in the same place he always lived which was always only a 20 minute drive (I now live in another state). He and my mother divorced when I was 12. But I no longer feel the "what if" or regret emotions. My dad never had any interest in me or my older brother, and only limited interest in my younger brother. It is some defect within HIM, not me. I tortured myself for years trying to gain favor with him, really not so much even favor as I would have taken anything, even negative. I was simply non-existant. It caused me to have lots of issues with men. It took me a long time to even recognize what a healthy relationship with a man is, and that even applied to my brothers. It caused me to to be desperate for my older brother's approval and to my surprise he asked me about 10 years ago why his approval was so important to me, that it was wearing him out. It really put things in perspective. I wish that my dad had some kind of affection for me, but the fact that he doesn't isn't a driving factor in my life anymore. I am not defective, I am deserving. I feel so much better since I figured out it's not my fault. My mother died 2 years ago and when I went home to handle her affairs I went to see my dad (I know that he loved my mother very much) and he immediately began telling me of the arrangements he has made concerning his death and where his important papers are kept and what have you and I have since realized that I am not quite sure how I feel about that. Does he after all these years (I'm 46) expect me to handle his affairs when he dies? After having no relationship at all? I don't even know how to sort that out.

Reader234

Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 08:43 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wow, this is a hard thread!! {{{HUGS}}}

Me, I woulda gotten to Texas sooner. I'll never forgive myself!! And the last time I hugged my friend and told him I was afraid for him, if I could, I woulda made sure he heard my heart! ( I dreamed he died, it took me 4 months to find him, and i let him get away, he died, suffered, and I didnt know :( )

(Grandma saved my life, and I always meant to get back to Tx, but never enough money, or time, when she went into the hospital, and then to Reba McIntyres nursing facility, I bought a ticket to visit her, but I waited till it was convenient. If only I followed instincts and rushed down there, I just truly thought I had all the time in the world, grandma is invicible, dontcha know? Anyone who sticks her neck out like grandma cannot die, we need her here!! Grandma DID tell people off in public places when they abused kids, grandma did call the cops when a mental husband was abusing her grandchild (not me, my cousin) grandma did try to get my family to believe a 4yr old, she did try!!

gotta leave, this one makes me cry y'all :) But that song, My Way? I hate the line, "regrets I've had a few, too few to mention..."

Maesin

Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 12:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
This is a very thought provoking thread.

There are times I think I should have done things different. Right now, I have been thinking about my choices in education. While they may not seem world changing or life altering, it's been on my mind.

Maybe I should have taken my SATs to get that scholarship to college. Then again, at the time I had very strong convictions that if a college wanted to base my entire high shool career on one test, they could keep their money. I still think that way, but now that I am paying for school myself I kind of wish I had their money for it anyway!

Maybe I should have started college right after high school. Instead I went to work, and 8 years later I am about to start my sophomore year. I wonder if I would've figured it out and been doing something with it now, or if this is the way it is just meant to be. Now I am doing it on my terms, in my way, at my pace, and getting everything I can out of it. Would I have thought that way 8 years ago?

I try to remember the times that I thought "I should have given one more hug" or "I should have opened my mouth" for the next time the opportunity is available. There are things I have said or done that I am not proud of, and on the flip side, there are things I have said or done that I wish made it on CNN Breaking News!

And Faerygdds, it takes a strong person to do something like that. I would like to think that if I were ever in that kind of position I would be able to do the same thing. This may sound bad, but I hope I never am. Same with the little girl Whoami, because in a sense, unless the authorities were called right then, the child may not have gained anything by your intervention.

It’s a strange world we live in. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away, but then I think of some of the great things I would miss that make the whole trip worth while.

Ketchuplover

Sunday, September 01, 2002 - 12:49 am EditMoveDeleteIP
One night when I was twelve I had just closed my eyes to go to sleep,when I felt a pair of hands on my throat. I can't recall if they started squeezing or not,but they were on for 2-3 seconds then let go. I didn't open my eyes. I'm not sure if I ever opened them until I woke up.

The next morning my mother said she felt hands on her throat too. I didn't say anything. Neither of us ever spoke about it again.

At the time I was living with my mother,sister & 3 brothers. There are 3 possibilities as I see it.
1. One of my siblings is responsible. 2. Someone else was in the house. 3. A non-human entity.

Our house was rather small so I doubt anyone could've stayed hidden until we were all asleep.

I doubt a ghost or demon would've left so soon.

I haven't told/asked anybody in my family about this.

It only happened that one time.

Now that I've had the chance to put my thoughts into words I remember the sound of voices from outside my room shortly before the hands left my throat.

The incident hasn't effected me in any way that I'm aware of. I don't think about it that often.

I welcome your thoughts. Thank you.

Kaili

Sunday, September 01, 2002 - 08:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Wow Ketchup....I don't really have any thoughts, but how scary! I don't think I would have opened my eyes either- I would be way too freaked out! You think it was one of your brothers then? Whose voices did you hear outside, or don't you know?

Have you ever thought about asking your brothers if they remember anything like that happening to them (like bringing it up by saying you had a weird dream about it or something just to see how they react)?

Ketchuplover

Monday, September 02, 2002 - 04:46 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I want to know but I don't...ya know?

Nightcrawler

Monday, September 02, 2002 - 10:12 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
well this it a good thread!!!!!!!

with me there are a few things...

1st.
with my oldest son littlecrawler (L.C.) I with I could have picked a better mom for him.
(Bookie is not L.C's. mom) or i with i would have tryed harder to have him come live with me:(.

2nd
I wish I would have said good by to one of are clients I work with befor he left. he hade a feeder tube put in and now will not be about to come back to were I work (I work with the handycaped) he had been with us for 7-8 years:(

3rd
I wish I new what made are dog (Duke) go mean. so could have helped him. so we wouldn't of had to put him down:(:(:(

4th
I wish I would have met Bookie befor L.C. was born so he could of had a good mom and famly life.:(

5th
I wish I could think of more but it's late here 12am.

Whoami, I like the kick the sh*t out of the laidy one. if you would have found her.

Danzdol

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 02:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
wow this is a sad thread.....only to be read when you are in a good enough of a mood that it won't get you down. I am in a down mood today so every post has made me sad.:(

Ketchup that is so strange..did anyone have any grudge or bone to pick with you at the time? Did you upset anyone?

Whoami.....that sucks about the woman with the kids. I might have come out and washed my hands right next to her and maybe even splashed some on her.....what an ass. That kind of thing pisses me off so badly. Then again, I dn't know for a fact that would have been my initial reaction.

I don't recall at this very minute any old particular story BUT yesterday I went to lunch with a friend for the first time since I had my baby. HE is now only 3 months old. He is very well behaved and I pride myself in knowing him pretty well. However, as they brought out my dish he went into a screaming frenzy. I had no idea what was wrong at that moment. Instead of handling it how I usually do (calm and collected since I can handle crying episodes very well now) I felt myself sweating and feeling like the thersmostat went up 20 degrees. I felt like that first night at the hospital when he was crying very very loudly. I proceeded to try to calm him down by changing his diaper (he hates to be dirty) but that made him scream even more. I was not in a booth and there was nowhere to change him so I tried to finish fastening his diaper on my lap and he screamed even louder (as if it was possible)I then carried him and remembered that he had drank his milk in the car seat and had not been burped so he might have had gas. He did not stop so I carried him outside.

What I hated was that my friend was looking at me like I was an alien and everyone in the restaurant was looking at me with very judgemental stares like "Don't you have a mute button for that child". Even though I know I was doing nothing wrong I felt so awful and even worse I actually cared what they thought of me. I wanted to scream at everyone that this was my baby and that if he was crying , too bad they had to hear it because he is too little to know any better.I wanted to tell them that I was a good mommy and that I loved my baby more then I have ever loved anything in my life.I hated that I felt judged by all these strangers.I hate that I let the pressure of people around me cloud my reaction to my baby crying. I have taken him out before (just not to a restaurant) and have acted perfectly

I wish I could do it all over again. I would not rush like I did to try to change him. Instead I would have tried to burp him for longer and would have blocked everyone in that restaurant out.

Instead, when I went outside he immediately burped and proceeded to be the angel that he usually is, smiling and then falling asleep on my shoulder---all within 5 minutes----. Right when I was going to go back in my friend came out with the car seat, the diaper bag, my untouched lunch and his toys.

What an awful experience.

Reader234

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 04:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh Danzdol!! I can relate to that added 20 degrees!! But I'm sure every mom there either felt relieved or sympathy!! (relieved because it wasnt MY baby!! or sympathy, because we've btdt!!) I'll never forget that first hour alone with my first baby, I didnt think I was "built" right to nurse!! I couldnt figure out how to let him latch on!! It was horrible!! I dont think I went out with him for a very long time, until I mastered that nursing!! Then, when the 2nd one came, I even flew with the baby!! We went to Colorado, it was so beautiful. BUT that horrible feeling you just never forget!!

{{{{HUGS}}}} and bring the baby closer, I love watching their cute toes do thier dance!! Nothing sweeter!!

Ketchuplover

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 09:47 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I was 12 at the time. If I was bothering anybody they didn't tell me.

Melfie1222

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 10:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Ketchup, do you remember if anyone in your family walked (and/or talked) in their sleep?

Abbynormal

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 10:24 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Danzdol, I have felt just like you before, you described it so perfectly. Believe me, you will become immune to the stares and if the truth is known, they probably weren't thinking badly of you at all. You were just freaked out at Dylan's unexpected crying and your emotions were heightened. Sucks, doesn't it? LOL On a lighter note, just wait 'til he lays in the aisle of the grocery store and screams bloody murder! Now that's fun! LOL

Whoami, your story touched me so much, I shared it with my mother. It reminded me of my "wish I had done this differently" story.

I was working in a clothing store and 2 women and a teenage girl came in. The girl was carrying a baby and being a baby lover, I asked her the standard questions. It was her baby and it was 6 weeks old.

As the women browsed I watched the girl. She had the baby under the arms like you would if you were picking up a child and starting kind of slinging the baby around. Somtimes the baby was completely upside down. The best way to describe it would be I guess if you were playing airplane or something. She then took the baby and threw it up into the air and caught it like you would a 2 yr old. I couldn't believe my eyes. I went over to her and told her that if I saw her throw that baby one more time, I was calling DHR. She went over and said something to the other women and they left fast.

This is what I regret. I regret that I didn't go ahead and call someone, anyone, before I said something to her. I regret that I didn't get the license number and call DHR so they could at least keep an eye on her. This happened almost 4 yrs ago and I wonder about that baby. I wonder if that baby lived to be one. I wonder if that baby has brain damage. I wonder at our society that allows a teenager to bring home a baby without the education to know even the basics to keep her baby out of harm, and the adults around her not responsible enough to teach her.

It's too late now. But I do hope that by me saying something to her, instead of getting mad about it, that she took the time to learn why she shouldn't be throwing around an innocent infant that barely knows it's in this world. It still makes me sad.

Max

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 10:33 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
After living 46 years on this earth I have lots of regrets. But I try to look back on them and see what I learned or where decisions ultimately took me instead of focusing on where I didn't go or what I didn't do or what was "wrong."

For example, I regret that I chose to marry a man when I knew I didn't have a passionate physical attraction to him and when I knew that his mother was a controlling, manipulative person. We were friends and we shared a sense of humor and lots of fun times, but it wasn't nearly enough. And, as the years went by, I began to realize that many of the negative traits his mother displayed had rubbed off on him to the point that he was mentally abusive to me. I'm grateful that I finally got past my feeling that wanting out consituted some sort of failure on my part. I got counseling, then I got a lawyer and served him with divorce papers. FREEDOM! :)

Now, I could look at that whole thing and get depressed at the seven years I spent living in that situation, always worried that I would say or do the wrong thing. Instead, I look at where my life is now and realize that who I am now, where I live now, even what I do now would all be different but for the marriage. Would I trade the happy life I have now for the unknown that might have been if I had said no to him? Nope! It's like my own version of "It's a Wonderful Life". :)

As for parents who are being mean to their kids... I've seen situations that are similar, though never as bad as you described. I have said things before, but usually it only results in the parent then turning his or her wrath on me. I don't know what the best solution to such a problem is, but it's a scary situation for bystanders as well as the child involved. It breaks my heart to see what some people do under the guise of "parenting."

Folks with babies or small children in restaurants and other public situations who are acting as responsible, caring parents when their child is crying uncontrollably or otherwise being a tired kid, get my sympathy. It can't be easy. I was travelling recently and two sets of parents were on the plane. I was sitting in the back, nearly empty section of the flight and they moved back there in an attempt not to disrupt the majority of passengers. One mom was travelling alone with two VERY tired little boys (probably around 3 and 5 years old). They were fussy and whining and restless, but they were just being kids. Poor mom looked so frazzled and tired herself, but she was being very patient and kind to them. She kept looking around sort of guiltily thinking they were disturbing everyone. I just smiled across the seats at her and commented on how tired her boys must be and said they were doing very well. The other couple had a young girl, around 3 or 4. She was a perfect little lady the whole flight. When we landed, she loudly proclaimed, "We're finally here!" and everyone laughed. Dad explained that she was serious. This ended their 20-something hour journey returning home from Japan! That was one loved kid. :)

Okay, now I'm regretting that I've rambled on for so long. Does that count?

Sia

Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 04:34 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Grave, life-changing events are described here. Often I think my life is just awful & wish MANY things hadn't happened, but hindsight's 20/20 & doesn't help a bit. I truly feel for each of you & offer the only things I can offer: support, hope, friendship, and my prayers. Max, I identify strongly with what you posted, except that I'm still stuck. Seriously, if you have insight into dealing with a dh who's slipping back into alcohol abuse--which exacerbates the other "issues" in the marriage--please come to my folder & post; I'd like to keep it off the public section of the board, if possible. I'm having a bit of a tough time lately with this issue. I refuse to turn a blind eye to the developing problem, and I'm vilified for it. The breaking-point never seems far off, and there's a lot at stake here: our beautiful children.

To answer the thread-topic, if I knew about eight years ago what I now know, I'd probably not have married the man I did. My children mean more to me than life itself, but sometimes it's pretty hard to put on a happy face for them. Any insight you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Niceguy

Sunday, September 15, 2002 - 04:12 am EditMoveDeleteIP
It was about fourteen or so years ago. I was living and working in San Diego at the time and I had to commute to La Jolla. I had to take the bus.
Downtown San Diego at that time all the routes converged generally on Broadway. I had to usually be very alert to catch my connecting ride. This particular morning I could see my La Jolla bus right in front of the bus I was on and there was a 20-25 minute wait for the next express. I was trying to impress a boss who would never be impressed with me with my punctuality. As I readied to get off and run to catch that bus I noticed a group of mothers and there children(all poor) in the sidewalk but not close to the curb.

I got off and ran my butt off and so did others. I didn't see the little boy until I was on top of him. I know I knocked him down because I turned back to look but the light was changing and I needed to get on that bus.

I've tried to blame it on the mother but that's just a sorry excuse. I should have stopped to see if he was o.k.


I hope he is o.k.