Archive through August 19, 2002
TV ClubHouse: Archive: Any helpful hints about forgiveness much appreciated:
Archive through August 19, 2002
Wapland | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 07:25 pm     Well this is the first time I have created a conversation, but I have so often enjoyed and found inspiration from others created here. I need some help dealing with forgiveness....and no surprise, not forgiveness for something I have done, but forgiveness for wrongs done to us by others. How do you forgive someone for a terrible hurt? I know that before I can move on I have to find a means to forgive this person, but I am struggling. Any forgiveness suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  |
Kaili | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 07:33 pm     Hard to say with limited info on the situation...I just remember that everything happens for a reason (I believe that anyway...can't speak for everyone else)- whatever happened to you- can you find any good that came out of it, however indirect? Also, the old phrase that life is too short to spend sad, hurt, upset. Try to make the best of things, find the good, and leave the past in the past while learning from it. |
Knightpatti | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 07:40 pm     Write a letter to the person or persons and get all your feelings all. Then either send it or tear it up after you sleep on it. Then try to forget and move on. This is much easier to say than to do I know. It is very difficult if you have been hurt or they hurt someone you loved. |
Pamy | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 07:57 pm     I agree that more info would be helpful on how to forgive, I believe some things can never be forgiven, maybe forgotten(with time)but really hurtful cruel things are hard to forgive. Maybe if you could tell us a little of the story we could help better,IE: simular thing might have happened to one of us, etc.
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Karuuna | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 08:12 pm     I don't know the situation, Wap, but I find myself in a similar situation myself, so maybe we can help each other. The easiest way to forgive is when the one who hurt you shows true remorse, and apologizes with sincerity. It also helps if at some point during that conversation you know that they truly understand how and how much they hurt you. So if you are at all able in this situation, you need to sit down with the one who hurt you and have that conversation. But then, that's often not possible, or the other is not willing. And then you need another plan. Assuming they won't talk to you at all (my situation); some of the above suggestions will help, because you need to get your feelings out somewhere. Tell others who will understand, and let them validate your hurt. Write a letter (but in most cases it's better not to mail it). Whatever you need to do to release those emotions. Finally, for me it helps to understand that we're all wounded to some degree. And it's out of those wounds that we hurt others. It helps me to remember that I've hurt others sometimes too, and haven't always been willing to apologize like I should. Sometimes it's because I don't see it, sometimes it's been because I was just too ashamed. Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give to everyone involved, yourself, your family, the person who hurt you. It often takes time, so no hurry - if the hurt is very big, it can even be years. Hope you find some of that helpful. |
Egbok | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 08:21 pm     Wappy, I'm sorry that you are hurting. What has helped me to forgive and move forward is to realize that I cannot control anyone's behavior but my own. I try not to be reactive to a situation but to be proactive. I can control my own reactions by forgiving and learning from the experience, then just moving forward in my life. I have found that I am a happier person this way rather than keeping the grudge inside to keep me in a miserable state of mind. It took me many years to learn how to do this and it works for me. I hope that my 2-cents can be of some help to you as you work through this situation. Take care. |
Archie | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 08:32 pm     In order to forgive, you have to be ready to forgive. Things need to be right with you and the person you are forgiving. Does the person know they did wrong and understand the depth of how bad they hurt you? Is their remorse sincere? If you forgive, is there a chance they will do the same thing to you again? Are you ready to trust this person again? Or at least learn to trust them again? I know that it is a relief to finally be able to forgive someone for something they have done to you. It is sometimes harder for the person who has to to the forgiving to carry that burden then for the person who did the wrong in the first place. |
Max | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 08:47 pm     Sometimes, when the hurt is really big, forgiveness is not so much about letting the other person off the hook, but about forgiving yourself. What I mean is, if something bad happens, we often tend to have a small voice in the back of our heads that says things like, "how could you have put yourself in that situation? Why didn't you see this coming?" and other such things. Somehow, you have to forgive yourself for all that stuff, whether it's real or imagined. You have to accept that what happened is in the past and what happens NEXT is what is important. As Egbok said, you can only control how you react to things, not how others behave. There's an Irish songwriter who has a great lyric: "Lost the friends that needed losing Found others on the way." It's better in the full context of the song, but that one line is, to me, SO true. Sometimes it's absolutely OK to "lose" people rather than to lose yourself. That has to be okay in your head so you can move forward. Regardless of your situation, hope you find a path that suits your shoes. |
Karuuna | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 08:51 pm     Thanks, Max. I really needed to hear that. |
Llkoolaid | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 09:07 pm     Everyone has given such great advice. I was hurt like this and I think that you have to have validation of your hurt. You also have to know that the person who hurt you feels remorse. When someone you care about hurts it is so much harder to bear. You feel betrayed and you feel a lose. Try to find out why this person did this to you, it might help you feel more ready to forgive them when they know how bad they hurt you. I know for sure that you have forgive them on some level in order for you to get past this. YOu have to come to some understanding even if it means you will never be friends again. I am saying forgive not forget. When this happened to me I cried , I was angry, I felt I had lost my best friend,I wondered what I did wrong to have my friend do this to me and just felt plain miserable. I grieved for the lose of my best friend , it was like a death. After much soulsearching, I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong and that I was a good friend. It was almost 2 years before we even spoke again and she denied ever doing anything wrong. That was it for me. I forgave her because I didn't care anymore. I realized that she was a very weak person who couldn't take responsibility for her own actions. I realized that I didn't lose anything, she did. She lost a good friend, I didn't, she really wasn't my friend. I actually feel pity for her now, I have seen her do the same thing to other people and deny it all. She is a malicious gossip who can't control herself. She plays friends of each other to make herslf look and feel better. I realized that she must have very low self esteem to have to do this. It was such a relief to let go all that hurt and anger. It just wasn't worth it. I hope you have better results than I did, I hope you and who ever hurt you can resolve this. If my cousin had of owned up to what she had of done I could have forgiven her and tried to forget it. I didn't get that, I forgave her because she isn't capable of being any better. I will never forget what she is and she means nothing to me. I speak to her when I meet her and she still tries to wiggle into my life but she is wasting her time. I will never trust her so she can't be a part of my life. Try to work it out but if you can't get on with your life. Forgive them because they are who they are. I know I may sound like I am bitter but I am not. I realize that I am better of without this person in my life, I have lots of friends who I can trust and she has very few. I do sometimes feel a little sad for her. |
Twiggyish | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 09:28 pm     I think it's great to let it go and get it out, but sometimes, the hurt is too deep. I believe hurt is like grief, you have to allow yourself time to heal. |
Faerygdds | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 09:53 pm     Never fear.. the master of forgiveness is here!!! LL is pretty much right on the money... The people we love in our life have issues of their own. Often times they lash out at love ones, or use them to harbor their anxiety or guilt. First thing you need to is find the root of your hurt. Are you hurt because of the words spoken to you? Are you hurt because it hit a chord? Are you angry because you went to someone for support and they turned it back on you? Even if I am your best friend and I walked up to you and said - you are the most vile human I have ever met in my life. You probably wouldn't be mad at me... shocked maybe, but not mad. Why??? because YOU know it simply isn't true. So why are you feeling hurt? Simple - because you are allowing the other person to hurt you. I can say this with some authority as 2 weeks ago I was upset and hurt by my mother (remember the pledge thread). And today she had a real opportunity to make me feel bad.. and belive me.. she took it! And then my husband started reminding me about Jungian philosophy. And I realized that she was imprinting her complexes onto me. and worse - I was letting her! Today I didn't let her control my emotions. I hung up on her 4 times and screamed at her all 4 times, but I did NOT let her make this all my fault. She reacted out of guilt for having "bad genes". I just ignored her and stayed focused on my own issues and got through the day - and I feel SO much better for it. Not because anything is really solved, but because: 1) I recognized why I was feeling hurt 2) took resposibility for my OWN actions and feelings and 3) Forgave her for being her and having her own issues I know that sounds like a lot, but really give it a try... btw... the letter thing works.. I never mail mine, but I usually just get it all out and feel better. Good luck and Bleesed be. FaeryGdds |
Wapland | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 10:04 pm     Oh my....I am so overwhelmed. It is 1:08 am as I read this thread. Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your experiences and wisdom with me. I made the choice to not say much about my forgiving situation, and not to be evasive, but rather because it is so painful to talk about. The person who I need to forgive is my brother. My only brother and only sibling, who up until 1 year ago was also one of my best friends. I cherished and adored my brother. I never expected to find myself estranged from him. We do not speak or see one another. He has hurt me deeply and I am smart enough to know that he probably feels the same way. Simple truth is, the thought of this hurt consumes me, especially around family times. I don't expect to ever have a relationship with my brother again, but I know that I will continue to be consumed by hurt unless I find some way to forgive him...in my heart, for my peace. I need to forgive him for me, my family and my friends. You have all given me much to think about and I am grateful for your gentle thoughtfulness. |
Mssilhouette | Monday, July 08, 2002 - 10:51 pm     Well I don't know how much this will mean to you but, whatever your brother had done to hurt you. It really had nothing to do with you. I know sometimes this is a hard to swallow concept. Whatever was done or said was because that person has their own problems and hurt, so they in turn hurt someone close to them, or tried to. The only thing you can do is to understand and realize that whatever pain he caused you was not because of you. But merely an effect of the pain he has inside. I really do not know if that makes anything easier but in understanding not to take his action personally, then you might not have the need to forgive the action and you may find the strength to simply give him a call, and talk about the pain you both share. This is only one viewpoint that can be considered or ignored. The choice, naturally, is yours. I wish you the best in however you decide to handle the situation. |
Wcv63 | Tuesday, July 09, 2002 - 12:44 am     As someone in an earlier post said, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." That is so very true. Letting go of bitterness, hurt and pain is a way to lighten your own load....not the load of others. Also remember that just because you forgive doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a position to be hurt again. |
Twiggyish | Tuesday, July 09, 2002 - 01:13 pm     MissSil, that is exactly right. The problem lies with the brother. I think family members can cause the most pain in our lives. (especially siblings and parents) In your case Wappy, it's just a matter of time. Your brother is probably going through some issues right now and he is lashing out at you. |
Wapland | Tuesday, July 09, 2002 - 01:48 pm     Hi again. Thank you again for the peaceful sleep I enjoyed last night It was wonderful to put the frustration of this into words for all of you to help with. And help you did! This morning when I woke up, I truly felt a step away from the pain and hurt. Thinking about all your advice gave me something proactive to do which has been so important. Like many of you suggested, I need to give the gift of that to myself. I also need to not allow this to consume the real possiblities for today. Today, and I know it is just for today, until I came to check your further helpful suggestions, I focused on me and my kids and a beautiful Canadian summer day. Thank you all for the "gift" of your wisdom so that could happen. |
Pamy | Tuesday, July 09, 2002 - 06:27 pm     Wap..I looked at your family pic in your profile, you look like a fun happy family, enjoy your own family and try not to dwell on past. Warm thoughts go out to you Isn't this place great?? You send up a flag and a bunch of strangers/friends come running. This is the best group of people I have ever known!
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Wapland | Wednesday, July 10, 2002 - 03:05 pm     ....and I am not surprised that you are an integral part of the group Pamy....thanks for the ear  |
Karuuna | Wednesday, July 10, 2002 - 03:11 pm      |
Bob2112 | Wednesday, July 10, 2002 - 04:23 pm     {{{{{Karuuna}}}}} What's up? You look like \clipart{crap} in that last post! Are you OK? |
Bearware | Sunday, July 21, 2002 - 10:37 am     Wap - I've always heard that the first step in forgiveness is the ability to quit wishing to repay the hurt. That's so hard to do, I know, but it really does help. Forgiveness isn't about going back to the way things were, nor about forgetting the past. It's about being willing to either walk away, or build towards a new future. My brother was my best friend also. We've not gone through what you are experiencing, but some of our changes have really hurt. It helped me to remember that just because he was my brother didn't make him less human. I had always seen him as extraordinary. He makes mistakes too, and some of them are pretty big ones. Time does heal, but I would also suggest you make a step towards him in re-establishing contact. If he doesn't want it, then you have done all you can, and will have nothing to forgive yourself for, later. Also remember, family isn't always those we're 'blood related' to, sometimes, the heart-ties are just as strong. |
Bigd | Monday, July 29, 2002 - 08:09 pm     In order to forgive, you have to be forgiven. I have done wrong and I have been so undeserving of forgiveness but it was given to me. It is terribly difficult to accept. But it changed me and I am able to forgive others now. The essential ingredients to forgiveness are to forgive your self, accept it when given, and offer it when most difficult. It will change you and those you forgive. |
Wapland | Tuesday, August 06, 2002 - 02:04 pm     Thanks so much again everyone. I have welcomed all of your wise words. This past weekend I saw my brother for the first time in months. We didn't speak and it was most difficult....and very sad. Even being very disappointed and tremendously hurt, I was surprised to find out how much I still love him. Maybe it will be the love I have for him that allows me to forgive him. I also learned that forgiving doesn't mean a whole bunch of things about our relationship today. A relationship doesn't even have to exist but forgiveness can. I am not there yet, but steps closer. Thanks  |
Geogirl | Monday, August 19, 2002 - 11:30 am     You guys are all much wiser than I. Like Wappy I too have a dilemma with forgiveness. I have a whole lifetime of hurt to forgive for. My dad has been very hurtful to me my whole life and I just recently unloaded all of it to someone very special who listened with objectivity and without judgement. She made me see that I need to forgive him. I'm not sure thats possible because he won't admit that he even did anything wrong. But I'm gonna try. You guys sharing your tips and stories were very helpful and I will try some of these techniques. Maybe I will surprise myself! Thank you so much everyone! Especially you Wappy! |
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