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TV ClubHouse: Archive: Ask Adven
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Archive through August 28, 2002 25   08/28 11:48am
Archive through September 03, 2002 25   09/03 09:45am
Archive through September 04, 2002 25   09/04 10:29am
Archive through September 04, 2002 25   09/04 03:49pm

Adven

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 09:25 am EditMoveDeleteIP
In an attempt to get this thread out of the gutter and onto the higher plan of consciousness I am so famous for, and in keeping with my past practices, I will send an animal of your choice, free of charge, to anyone who will assist me in ending this 'using animals as double entendres" trend that has developed. Your choices are: a
titmouse, bare-bottomed baboon, dung beetle, gamecock, red-breasted nuthatch, sperm whale, p*ssy cat, box turtle or any kind of one-eyed snake that suits your fancy. I trust this will get us all back on track.

Rabbit

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 09:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
In moving this thread to a higher plane, is our goal to seek admittance to the mile high club? Put me down for butt-butting-Billy-Bob-Jujugoat.

Kstme

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 11:17 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Juju...about those dolls? Want to send a few this direction?

HEY...what about a Sussex Spaniel?

Karuuna

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 11:31 am EditMoveDeleteIP
This just in! Exclusive photos of the elusive JujuGoatDoll. How can you resist???

goatdoll

Twiggyish

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 11:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
awwww..how cute!

Babyruth

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 11:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
So is that a billy in drag, or a nanny? Oh, who cares....send me one, please!!
Keep the change!

Juju2bigdog

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 12:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
<ships out Jujugoat dolls to Kstme and Babyruth>

Get your Jujugoat dolls right here, folks!

I'm thinking of branching out into a line of cowboy Jujugoat dolls. What do you think?

goat doll

Kstme

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 12:51 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
YEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW!! Lookin' good, Juju!

Thanks for quick response to my order! Better than TV!

Bigd

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 01:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Are we moving this thread? How high? Can I still watch?

Moondance

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 06:46 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
OMG LOL... I love the Jujugoat model doll!

Adven I already have a pretty kitty:)

Juju2bigdog

Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 11:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Moon, you want to place an order for a couple more of the newer model Jujugoat dolls?

Wcv63

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 02:52 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Gosh durnit. I was enjoying the gutter. :O I guess I have it in me to move things to a higher plane though. One question...are artificial mood enhancers allowed?

Twiggyish

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 05:27 am EditMoveDeleteIP
No WCV, Adven was talking about a higher plane, as in Delta or one of the airlines!

Adven

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 08:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
To be honest, Wcv, I'm kind of partial to the gutter myself as I often find a home there after a night on the town. Unfortunately, the advice columnist's creed, which is contained within a lengthy and complex legal document, expressly forbids the use of sexual inneundo for the purposes of a cheap laugh. I'll quote you the salient points, but if you are interested in a little light reading, I'll send you the entire eight volume set:

"Whereas the party of the first part (hereafter referred to as "the party of the first part")is ipso facto an advice columnist (hereafter referred to as "the party of the second part"), by the rules of habeas corpus and e pluribus unum, said individual, the party of the second part, must cease and desist from the use of language vulgaris (hereafter referred to as "potty mouth"). Any such breech of protocol will result in "ergo proctor sum", a punishment which will frighten small children and cause dogs to hide under the bed."

So, you can see, I have no choice but to comply.

Webkitty

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 08:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
>>>>>webkitty peeks in and makes a mental note to be careful of what she suggests in Adven's folder<<<<<<

You guys are seriously cracking me up!

Juju, you have the spirit of a great entrepreneur, go girl!!!

Moondance

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 12:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
So Juju put me down for a Jujuprettyp*ssyI meanprettykittyDoll...

Thanks!

Wcv63

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 12:33 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Adven,

All you've managed to do is confuse me with doublespeak. I'm assuming mood enhancers ARE necessary in order to follow your theme of being high.

Adven

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 03:24 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Wcv:
I normally don't need doublespeak to confuse people. Mood enhancers aren't necessarily a prequisite, but they do help.... Actually, strike that. I've given it a bit more thought and they are a prerequisite.

Weinermr

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 03:31 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

Didn't we hear that same speech in the Wizard of Oz? Just checking.

Sleepless in CA

Hillbilly

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 03:33 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven

I have a neighbor next door who has asked that I write for advice to help him solve a problem that has become quite ingrown.

Recently his mother-in-law came for a visit and has taken a toe-hold on his home. The other day he came home and found his MIL in his closet trying on his shoes.

His problem is how to give his MIL the boot without looking like a total heel.

signed
shoeless in seattle

Adven

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 04:00 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Sleepless:
Could be, but I get most of my material from "Gone With the Wind, "Citizen Kane" and "Dude, Where's My Car?"

Dear Shoeless:
This is a very delicate situation your friend has. It requires tact and diplomacy if he is to solve it without alienating his mother-in-law or angering his wife. I'd suggest he roll a stun grenade into the closet, wait for it to detonate, roll his MIL in a blanket or large throw rug and deposit her on the front lawn. I'd then suggest he race into the kitchen, assume a relaxed posture and ask if anyone has seen Mom lately.
I know this works for me.

Twiggyish

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 04:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Adven

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 04:40 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Twig:
That's not really a question, but, reading between the lines, I think I know what you are asking and, no, a Beatles reunion is unlikely.

Twiggyish

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 04:45 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL!! Dang! I loved the Beatles.

Wcv63

Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 06:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I have fallen woefully behind with my work projects and can not seem to latch upon the impetus needed in order to buckle down. You would think money would be a prime motivator but alas even the lack of pay doesn't seem to get me moving.

Please realign the planets, feng shei my brain to create good chi and get me pointed in the right direction.

Pagal

Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 12:45 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,
Could you please tell me, in a nutshell, the true meaning of all that I've just read in your column?
Sincerely,
Dazed & Confused

Adven

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 06:46 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Wcv:
I can't realign the planets for you - Jupiter's being a little contrary today for some reason and Pluto is no picnic, either - but I can offer a bit of advice, being an advice columnist and all. First, about those work projects, I'd look around and see if there is a colleague you can blame for their incompletion, preferably someone who works under you and who won't have the nerve to say you are passing the buck to save your own bacon. Failing this, I would suggest you break down crying in front of your supervisor (and the rest of the workplace, if possible) and baldly claim that your son's/daughter's demise is imminent due to the catastrophic illness of your choice. Make the supervisor drag this information out of you, to increase the potential sympathy factor. With any luck at all, he'll give those projects to that "do gooder" underling of yours and might even offer you some time off with pay.

Dear Dazed:
I'm not sure if I can offer you the true meaning of this column as I couldn't fit in that nutshell you seemed to want me to respond from. What I can tell you is that this is a cutting edge, hard-hitting column that aims to lay bare the soft underbelly of big business and big government. Well, that's the goal. Right now, people just ask me silly questions and I give them silly answers.

Wcv63

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 08:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

As I work for myself and find myself being highly unsympathetic to any of the ploys you mentioned (not to mention not having anyone to blame) and considering the fact that I gave myself a scathing "talking to" that yeilded no results, I must say that your advice didn't have the desired effect.

As a matter of fact I was downright rude and threatened myself with a myriad of dire consequences. Alas, the projects sit unattended to and all I've managed to do is make myself resentful of my attitude toward myself.

Please advise as if this nastiness towards myself by me continues, I sense a showdown with myself that could result in me actually creating a permanent rift with myself.

Adven

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 09:45 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Wcv:
I'm surprised you were unsympathetic to the ploys I suggested. I kind of liked them: just the right combination of underhandedness and creativity.
I'd be careful with berating yourself. You don't want to get your own back up and then stop listening to yourself altogether. Before your relationship with yourself deteriorates altogether, I'd suggest you take yourself out for a cup of coffee and get all this resentment out in the open. It also allows you to put off those work projects for a little while longer, which is always a worthwhile accomplishment in itself.

Wcv63

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 02:26 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Adven,

I took your suggestion and took myself out for coffee. After several espressos and much agitation , I was able to elicit a halfhearted promise of project work from myself. It was not a pretty sight. Just suffice it to say that much browbeating, chest pounding and sobbing were involved.

Should this promise not be carried out by myself as promised to myself by myself I can guarantee that hell hath no fury like the fury I will unleash upon myself.

I'll keep you informed as the situation may become even more precarious than it is at this moment.

P.S. I did notice myself thumbing through the first project dejectedly. It looks like I may actually have made an impression on myself.

Weinermr

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 02:51 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wcv, be careful how you talk to yourself, and be sure to document every conversation. You will have to keep very detailed records of your talks, set reasonable goals for yourself, and set up meetings ahead of time with yourself to review your progress. Soon you may have to call yourself into your office and fire yourself, and you're going to have to be able to adequately document everything for Human Resources, or you might end up suing yourself for unfair labor practices. Good luck.

Twiggyish

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 03:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
She'll always get the right answers.

Adven

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 03:05 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dear Wcv,
What Weinermr said. This situation sounds like it is fraught with the potential for legal entanglements. I also fraught I saw a puddy tat. Anyway, I'd hate to see you sue yourself. The one of you are going to have to live together when this is all over and the decisions you make now will effect you and yourself for the rest of your life.