Archive through August 28, 2002
TV ClubHouse: Archive: Ask Adven:
Archive through August 28, 2002
Adven | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 11:09 am     Due to popular demand (okay, one person) I have bowed to immense public pressure and am starting an advice column similar to the one "Dan Landers" so wisely walked away from. After hours of soul-searching and quiet contemplation I have decided to call it "Ask Adven" because, well, that's my name and people will be asking me questions. Pretty clever, huh? My areas of expertise are unlimited, so feel free to ask me anything (except about geese: one gave me a funny look once and I've suspected they've all got some kind of attitude problem ever since). For those of you who wish anonymity, I can be e-mailed at "adven41@yahoo.ca" and I will respect your privacy and not use your handle on the board. I do like to gossip, however, and will likely e-mail your closest friends and reveal your deepest, darkest secrets. I will be away for most of the next week, so if anyone has an overwhelming need for advice (except all you geese lovers), I can be reached by cell phone, although I never answer it, so I won't bother posting my number. |
Rabbit | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 11:20 am     Dear Adven, I live next to a silly goose. I try to duck direct confrontation but she keeps bird-dogging me and I find her attempts to grab my ass to be fowl. Why cant she buy her own donkey? Cooped up in Portland |
Adven | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 11:25 am     Dear Cooped: I'll answer this goose question only because I sense a certain well deserved apathy toward geese on your part. You are to be congratulated. Because I sympathize, I have taken the liberty of buying a donkey for your neighbor and she can now come over and kiss your ass. Hope this helps. |
Mware | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 12:58 pm     Dear Adven, Why is one called a goose, and two are called geese, when there's one moose, and two moose? And while I'm on it, why is one a mouse, and two are mice, when there's one house, and two houses? Just curious, Richard (Dick) Shunary |
Twiggyish | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 01:35 pm     On that note, What do you say when you have more than one computer mouse? Mouses, doesn't sound right.Do you have mice? Also, what happens when you click undo? Is it an undo or undid? Signed, Perplexed in FL |
Mystery | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 04:19 pm     And hey..... where IS Waldo? |
Ketchuplover | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 05:35 pm     Wisely walked away from? |
Reader234 | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 08:49 pm     Hey, speakin mystery, what do ya do when ya lose a poster? Canna seem to spy hillbilly? Is he'n roun yer parts? Send him to that thern late nate social thread por faboreey!! |
Juju2bigdog | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 09:32 pm     K.L., are you saying you did NOT abandon the field? If not, get back over there and reopen the shop. This town is big enough for two advice columnists. |
Adven | Tuesday, August 27, 2002 - 10:39 pm     Dear Dick Shunary, The English language is a marvellous thing. Of course, not the way this Reader234 character is using it a few posts above. Word experts - the scientific term for people who know a lot about words - suggest the reason goose and moose are pluralized differently is too complex for the average person to comprehend and they are far too brilliant to bother explaining it. Personally, I think they're just protecting their jobs. The real reason, as most of us know, is that it is a massive right wing conspiracy to keep English teachers and literacy tutors employed. If you doubt me, just ask yourself how it is that "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Coincidence? I think not. Dear Perplexed, Good question. I have no idea what the answer is, but I wouldn't rule out a massive right wing conspiracy. Hope I've been of help. Dear Mystery, Waldo (my pet Walrus) is doing just fine, thanks. In fact, he's chowing down on a carp as we speak - and getting scales all over his tutu. Yes, his gender identity issues continue unabated. Dear Ketchup, What Juju said. You can answer Reader234 if you'd like. I'll warn you though, I think he's been into the jug. |
Wcv63 | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 01:24 am     Dear Adven, As much as I want to ask something witty and clever it appears the witty and clever portion of my brain is AWOL. Is there a national service where I can post pictures of my wit and cleverness so that they can be apprehended and returned to me? I've never had to deal with such a situation before and don't know the first thing about tracking missing wit and cleverness. (I ask you because I know you have experience in this area.) I'm willing to offer an award. I called the police and they threatened to arrest me or alternatively call the nearest mental hospital. Signed, Cleverless and Witless in the Bayou |
Twiggyish | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 06:08 am     Thank you great Adven for your CLEVER response. Your answer needs an expert like Ewing to decipher. |
Adven | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 08:28 am     Dear Cleverless: You are quite right in suggesting I have some experience in this area. The problem with Cleverless Syndrome, the term used by experts who get government grants to study such things because they can't tolerate the thought of an actual job, is that the sufferer has no idea he/she is afflicted. I remember going to a party a few years back, totally unaware I was suffering from C.S. and promptly put the host's cat on my head and brayed insistently for everyone to look at me. I also made crass jokes about his wife's recent weight gain and hit on his daughter. Unfortunately there is no cure, but the disorder can be controlled with medication. Mind-altering narcotics work for me and they have the added bonus of being available without a prescription. Good luck with it. Dear Twig, My apologies for my confusing answer to your query. That was a misprint. It should have read "left wing conspiracy". Hope this clears things up. |
Nutsy | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 08:54 am     Dear Adven, Why is it that some people feel the need to belittle the opinions, accomplishments or endeavours of others? Why can't they just revel in someone else's happiness instead of becoming the pin that bursts the balloon? There are so many people in the world, is it possible that ONE person knows everything, and if so, is it me? Out of Hope |
Nancy | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 09:10 am     (nutsy i hope you werent referring to me--i'm truly happy for ANYONE whose lost weight!) |
Bigd | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 09:30 am     Dear Adven, How is it that other people think they are the one person in the world that truly knows everything, when they only need to ask me??? Could I be wrong? Amused and confused. |
Wcv63 | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 10:10 am     Dear Adven, As I have never put a cat on my head, brayed insistently (or even incessantly), made fat jokes, or hit on anyone's daughter, I believe my condition has been misdiagnosed. I will, however, admit to the occassional crass joke. But one out of 5 hardly seems like overwhelming evidence. Additional evidence to support my theory of misdiagnosis is your claim that the afflicted have no clue of their condition. I am quite cognizant of my missing wit and clever repartee. I have a sneaking suspicion that you rushed to judgement without taking the time to do the necessary research. I demand a second opinion. Signed, Confused and Cantankerous Cajan |
Nutsy | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 10:14 am     (nancy - huh? Not sure what you mean, but I'm sure the answer's no!) |
Rabbit | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 10:15 am     You want mine, Alpha-Numeric-Cyber Entity? |
Wcv63 | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 10:17 am     It depends Rabbit. What are your qualifications?
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Twiggyish | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 10:28 am     ((Adven)) Thanks =) I am right handed, and don't have wings. |
Rabbit | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 11:30 am     Dear Adven, While your plan was ingenious the execution has faltered. The donkey you purchased for my neighbor is extremely large, ravenous, and unruly. I am surprised that a man of your vast experience and intelligence would not be aware that buying ass online is a risky proposition. Just today I came home to find that the donkey you purchased had broken into my home-office and had eaten the quarterly sales reports. What can I do to keep your big fat ass out of my business? Cooped up in Portland |
Wcv63 | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 11:37 am     Rabbit Your post is amazing! I can't seem to stop giggling. Adven's big fat ass is making me laugh. Oops. I just repeated a crass fat joke. |
Fruitbat | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 11:47 am     ohhhhhhhhhh good one Rabbit..........very good. |
Twiggyish | Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 11:48 am     hahahahah!! Rabbit. |
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