Moving again? Need sounding board.
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TV ClubHouse: archives: Moving again? Need sounding board.

Rissa

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 08:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I have been trying to talk this out with my family but they all feel so strongly about it one way or another that I feel like I am being lectured not listened to. I am looking for a way to wrap my head around it so that I can sleep again.

When hubby and I got married 16 years ago we moved East for a job opportunity that he had. We rented for awhile and then when I got pregnant we decided to buy a house. The only place we could afford was to move outside of the city which we did. When 1st daughter was in grade 1 we moved again to a bigger home in same town but different school district. Then they built a new school so daughter was moved to that school (HA!!! That one I am not responsible for). Then in grade 4 we moved closer to the city (had been a solid hour commute for hubby, was wearing thin), so daughter was then in school #4. My dad is very ill and hubby knowing how hard it was for me to be cross-country from my parents had let his company know for years that he would be open to transferring anywhere closer to them which we did 2 years ago.. right back home in fact. We only had 2 months to buy a house so we picked an area we liked and bought quickly. The idea was that we could take our time finding a more permanant house in the same school district. Didn't work out that way and daughter ended up in school #6.

Now I should mention that said daughter is an amazing student (7 academic awards this year alone including a year long average over 90% with no mark less then 80!!!!!).

Hubby was just offered a MAJOR promotion but it would mean moving back East again. It's a hell of a lot of money and a job that he really, truly loves and is great at. But it means school #7 for a kid only in grade 8 plus leaving my parents again. If he turns it down, it will put a real damper on his career because they don't so much offer as state fact and they could very well pass him by for other promotions if they think he won't take it anyway. My daughter is more then willing to move, says she loves meeting new people and *re-inventing* herself plus she has all her old friends out East (I have tried explaining to her that she wouldn't be back in the same house, in the same school, etc.)

My parents say to take it, that we go where hubby goes but then dad took to bed crying for last 3 days (does anyone's heart not break when a 65 year old man is in tears?). My sister tells me screw the career, to put family first and if hubby wont then screw him too. LOL Brother says, take the money and run and just call once in awhile. Hubby's family just shrugs, they are not as close as I am to my family. LOL Hubby says it's my decision <sigh>. It's not really a choice, if the job comes through then we HAVE to take it. I won't be responsible for derailing a career hubby has worked so hard for and a job he has been after for years. But it is breaking my heart to leave my parents with my dad so ill and whether or not my daughter wants this, I hate putting a teenager through all these moves. I have two other daughters as well but one is only starting school and the other is young enough that the move would not be so traumatic.

So can someone tell me how I can feel happy about moving again?

Max

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 09:12 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hard choices. I'm amazed that your daughter is so willing to go, usually a teenager refuses to leave town/friends for a family vacation, much less relocate across country.

Yes, family comes first, but you need to prioritize within family, too, or you'll always be torn asunder. First for me would be husband and kids, then parents, then siblings, etc.

Is your husband the sole support for the family? If his career doesn't continue advancing, will it cause a problem with his ability to support the family down the road? Sometimes passing opportunities like this signals to the company that you aren't very engaged in your job. Then, when lean times come and layoffs loom, you can end up at the top of the list. Depending on the business sector he's in and his age, it can be difficult to find new employment.

I don't think moving your daughters sounds like an impediment from what you describe.

SOunds like the issue is mostly yours in not wanting to be that far from your parents. I know it can be hard, especially if your dad's health is poor, but being a mom and wife has to come first sometimes. Airplanes work. And, since this involves a salary increase for hubby, you'll be able to afford to visit, right? :)

As for your sister's comment... Does she REALLY want you to put your parents above your husband and your kids? Would she REALLY want your kids to not have dad around so you could be with your parents? That's harsh, if true.

Remember, your relationship with your husband and kids will be around many more years than your parents. (Sorry to be blunt, but it's true.)

Good luck with whatever you decide. These are totally my views without knowing you or all your situation, so take them with a grain of salt. :)

Rissa

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 09:34 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Max. All you said was right on the mark. I lived in the same house from age 3 to adult and I just can't imagine the terror (for me it would be terror) of having to break into groups of established friends, of starting over in everything. I guess I am hearing my daughter say it is fine but I have decided not to buy it. And for 3 years now, every Xmas my family is whispering that this is probably dad's last Xmas, so leaving him is really tearing me apart.

Hubby is sole support, money-wise but that part of it is not an issue. When we decided to have children I made it clear that as far as I was concerned, if I ever worked again it would be a job not a career and my husband is fine with that. He would be happy if I had decided to stick with my career track as well, but then we would not have had children at all. It's about priorities and I wanted to be in a position where I could take off for Dr. appts., school events, etc. The basic issue is that I DO NOT WANT TO GO!!!!! RFLOL

I think my sister has issues of her own with HER husband that she is lopping off towards me to make herself feel better. Like I said, I am trying to get my head around being happy about this move and I am just feeling worse after speaking to my family. What I need is exactly the points you made, now if I can just get it into my heart likes it's already in my head. LOL

Faerygdds

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 10:35 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Rissa -

From one Daddy's Girl to another...

I have been alive for 31 years... of that 31 years I was apart from my Dad for only 5 of them... I too am back in the city of my youth and close to my parents.

But... I have a husband that can't stand stagnation... and 2 years of Texas is killing him. Now... I know that eventually the bug will hit and he'll want to move to a cooler climate... and I know it will break my heart because my Dad just doesn't know how to live without me in his life. I joke and call myself his Jiminy Cricket, but it's kind of true. I don't know what it is... we have a special bond I think and it hurts him when I am not close.

Now the reality is that I know we will move again... and over the last 2 years I've been preparing my Dad for that inevitability. We've discussed 3 possible moves with them in 2 years... in other words making sure they realize that my marriage (read as new family) comes first.

Now I know that the day I go to tthem and tell them... we're moving in 3 months to <destination unknown>... there will be LOTS of tears on their part AND mine! But you know what... my parents did their job, raised me right, then sent me on my way.... and I LOVE them for that! That won't change whether I live 20 minutes from them or 20 hours!

Tears and sadness are NORMAL... you're allowed to be sad about leaving your parents, but think about this... how much of a disservice would you be doing your Mom if you didn't show her how much she taught YOU about how to a wonderful Mother/Wife! :)

OK.. I'm a little tight in the throat thinking of leaving my Dad now... have to go... and remember

"Peace is not the absence of coflict, but rather the ability to adapt and contend with it." - GrumlingDrake

Max

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:00 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Faerygdds,
You made me tear up, too. :) I agree 110% with everything you said.

Marysafan

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:03 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I agree with Max. It was your parents job to raise you and prepare you for a life of your own. It sounds like they did a very good job by the way. When you married you created a union between a man and a woman. That relationship is PRIMARY in your life. Everything else comes second. Your first resposibility is to your husband.

Now about all the school changing. My girls also changed schools a lot. Dad was in the navy for 11 years and then mom worked for a large midwest retailer. They changed schools quite a lot. Although my girls are as opposite as two sisters could possibly be, they BOTH loved all the opportunities that came their way as a result the moves. As adults they are much better educated in US geography than most of their peers.

They are much more easily adaptabe to change than hubby or I ever were. They make friends easily and have learned to enjoy today because you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Oh, one other thing...every year, I made the 14 hour trek north to spend Thanksgiving with the folks, battling inclement Wisonsin weather. Every year it was done under the guise of "it could be Dad's last". Dad is now 90 and still going strong. I put my foot down 15 years ago so that we could spend Thanksgiving at home and spend the time with our girls who were growing up too fast. Because we lived so far away, it was much better for us to visit in the summer when time and weather were better suited to a visit. Do what is best for your family, and dont' feel guilty about it. It is why they raised you the way they did...to be a good wife and good mother.

Aria

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:37 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Rissa,

I agree with what everyone else has said. I too am a Daddy's girl, however, I moved away from home to go to University at 17 and have lived away from my parents for the last 17 years. I am still a Daddy's girl. I find that the time I spend with him talking on the phone or when we get together to be all that more special and memorable.

I especially agree with everyone here that your husband is your first priority. My mother always taught us that her relationship with my father always came first over even us children as we would grow up and have families of our own. That they made a commitment to grow old together and that someday we too would make that commitment.

I made a huge move myself to marry my husband 7 years ago. I left the big city, my house, my career, my friends to move to a rural community in a different province. I have never looked back. Sure sometimes I miss my friends and old security blanket but given time I built new relationships.

Chin up, make a list of the things that will be terrific about the move and concentrate on that instead of all the things that worry you.

Good luck!

Aria

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
BTW, you guys give great advice! I know where I am coming next time I need some!

Kaili

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
You know what, here is a perspective from someone who moved a lot. I went to different schools every year from K-4 then one more time for 6th grade. Not quite as many moves, but a lot nonetheless. On top of that, my parents divorced when I was 3 and both moved a lot. Basically, while I was with my mom during the year, my dad would move and while I was with him for the summer my mom would move. Everytime I got off the plane, I was taken to a new house. But you know what? I didn't mind.

People have been shocked when I said I didn't mind, but I liked being the new student, meeting new kids, etc. I lost touch with old friends a lot, but I was busy enough to make new ones. And like your daughter, I was a very good student all through school. Even during my "rebellious" years I got nearly straight 'A's. From my own point of view, I was used to moving and it wasn't a big deal to me.

Also, like Marysafan said, you do get to know geography (go figure- want to take a guess at what my first degree is in?). Even at college- many of the people in my classes are from small towns in Wisconsin that they have lived in their whole lives. I LOVE being able to talk about the places I have lived! It gives you a different perspective about things.

When I first moved to Arizona after graduation, it was very hard to leave my mom and even now that I'm here again I don't see her a lot. She lives 6 hrs away. It was faster to fly from AZ to see her than it is to drive across the state! But we talk, we visit (I'm going tomorrow actually!). But the thing that I always kept in mind, and that she told me when I was sad about missing her, is that she is only a phone call/airline ticket away.

Good luck!

Rissa

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 01:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thank you all so much!!! This is what I already knew but needed to hear. Dad is definately encouraging me to go too, but it's tearing him up which tears ME up too. LOLOL Kaili and Marysafan thanks too for the kid perspective, I guess it's just the difference of extremes.... me going to one school from K to grade 12 and my daughter going to 7 schools in 8 years. If I had been yanked from that school in grade 8 it would have been much more traumatic than for a girl who has already experienced moving around. Like I said.. if they decide to give hubby the job, then we move. There really is no choice but I am glad to see no-one so far is taking my sisters viewpoint. LOL Even though it's rare that ANYONE takes her side on pretty well ANY issue. :)

Faerygdds

Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 01:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
<<Even though it's rare that ANYONE takes her side on pretty well ANY issue.>>

LOL @ Rissa!!!

Way to keep it in perspective!!! :)

Mssilhouette

Friday, July 19, 2002 - 11:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Rissa, is it possible for your hubby to make the trek first to give you more time with your father?

Does everyone have to go all at the same time. I know it'll mean you both being apart but it seems like an different solution. You child seems to adjust to changes easily but maybe hubby can go ahead for a month or two and find you a place while you spend that time with your father.

Faerygdds

Friday, July 19, 2002 - 11:46 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Miss... with all due respect... Rissa don't do that... My parents tried that my senior year because they didn't want to pull me out of school half way through my senior year (it was private and paid for)... My Mother and her missing my Dad drove her and I NUTS.. I mean really nuts...

she was vacuuming at 3 am outside my door ... cleaning out closets at midnight... she didn't sleep and she sure didn't let me sleep.. I finally had it out with her and MOVED OUT ON MY OWN for the last 6 months of school.. of course once I moved out she sold the house and moved to Miami with Dad post haste and it was better for her, and ultimately I learned a lot of good life lessons, but it was REALLY hard!

Mssilhouette

Friday, July 19, 2002 - 08:04 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Well Faery, while I understand your concern it was simply a suggestion.

Of course you understand that your experience may not be the same for Rissa. Everyone handles things differently and have different relationships.

I'm sure Rissa will do what is best for her and her family, whatever that may be. :)

Faerygdds

Friday, July 19, 2002 - 08:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I agree Miss... I just bring it up because of what *I* went through... a lot of people don't realize how hard separation can be even when it's well intentioned. If Rissa does choose tht route it also serves as a small warning not to drive her kids nuts! :)

I was certainly not meant as anything against you, just that *I* had a really bad experience when my parents thought that was the "best solution" for everyone. :)

Juju2bigdog

Friday, July 19, 2002 - 11:16 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Something to consider, for sure, Faerygdds. The best intentioned solutions don't always turn out to be the best.

Maryann

Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 08:02 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Okay, here's my imput:
Before you go ANYWHERE check out the financial status of the company-I don't think that I can stress that TOO much. Find out how much money your spouse would get on Unemployment and figure out how you would make ends meet in the event of a problem like this. It might never happen, but I have had friends leave friends and family for Corporate America and lose their jobs (thru no fault of their own) and then they had no support network maybe this is not the worry in Canada that it is in the US but still it's a good idea to think about the worst case scenario before you make a major life change.
If your father is not terminally ill I don't think that should be a factor in your decision, if he is I think that it's a no-brainer, you stay put!
If you do move I think that you should plan on coming home at least four times a year..and definitely on Christmas or Passover or whatever major holidays mean the most to your family.
Are you sure this is what your husband wants?
He sounds a little doubtful to me...it seems like he may want to stay put as well and he just doesn't want to deprive you of the potential money.
One other thing, if you do move do NOT put anything in storage, and do not take any large items that you don't cherish! It costs the earth to move that stuff and in the long run it's cheaper to buy new or used when you get where you're going.

Bearware

Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 10:48 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Rissa,

I am a middle school teacher, who is single, so I can't really offer much advice in the way of your marriage, but I do know kids! If your daughter isn't having a problem with it, and you talk to her regularly, so you'll have a feel for if she's being honest with herself and you, then the move is not going to be a problem. Kids at that age very often change groups of friends, and honestly, it's very VERY important for them to do. The act of 'reinventing oneself' is a skill many kids don't have, and really one that is quite useful. Sounds to me like you have raised a bright, stable, self-confident young woman, who is ready for any challenge that may come her way. You two have evidently done a GREAT job, so be thankful, trust her, and do what's best for the family.

Rissa

Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 11:11 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hey guys, no arguing on my behalf. :):) K, I am giving advance warning.. I am going to ramble. LOL What happened last time he was transferred was that he only had two weeks notice, and I stayed with the kids so they could finish school (it was the beginning of May) and I sold the house, etc. Was 3 months before we were together again. Worked out well, hubby's company pays for the whole move which included the packing so all I had to do was have the house organized when they arrived. Company also payed for hubby to fly out for 3 days every 2 weeks which was great except they kept him in meetings for most of those 3 days !! They payed the sales commission on the house as well, all things together probably cost them about 70 grand by the time we were settled in here. Mind you, last time I was so happy to be moving home that I didn't mind the seperation. Faery, I drive my kids nuts 24/7 as it is, they wouldn't know what to think if I stopped. RFLOL

Maryann, the job security isn't an issue if he takes the promotion. This is a major big corporation with offices all over North America, in fact we always thought our next move would be to the USA. Job security COULD be an issue down the road if he refuses it though (or if Martha Stewart decides to invest :)). All things being equal hubby would prefer to stay put as well.

Dad isn't terminally ill as in one specific illness. He has brittle diabetes which has already caused him one triple bypass and he needs another but is refusing the surgery. His kidneys are failing, has developed sleep apnea, etc., etc. Basically his body is shutting down. When he had the triple bypass 5 years ago, he was told (by some freakin' idiot nurse) that his chances were not real good compared to the others in at the same time (there were 6 people in the same ICU room for the same surgery) because of his other health problems. Turns out it was a bad week for bypasses because Dad watched 4 of the six die in the week after the surgery. He says he will never go through that again so he has to sleep upright now because he has trouble breathing laying down. His blood pressure is up near 180, gets nose bleeds constantly from that. So many things going wrong. {sigh} He used to be a prolific writer but the heart surgery severed a nerve in his right arm so he has trouble holding a pen now or typing and he spent his whole life saving so that he could travel when retired and now he isn't allowed to get on a plane anywhere out of the country, so there is a lot of depression as well. I am definately daddy's girl like more than one of you said. LOL We talk for hours about politics, the family genealogy, authors, etc. and I have taken over his research projects so we discuss that as well. We go to the movies once a week. My siblings are not very close to him, they don't have the patience to deal with the mood swings and don't care about the things that are important to him (not in a bad way, just have nothing in common). I know I shouldn't but I do feel sorta responsible for him, like he's my fourth child. LOL And just to make this more melodramatic than it already is.. 2 months ago, my parents condo burnt down.< Erlton Fire>. So everything is still very emotional with both my parents and I am the one keeping them updated (I have internet, they are in a hotel) and am the contact person for all the different insurance companies and agencies. I will say again though, we WILL be going if the job comes through. It will just kill me to go and oh god, here comes another ulcer. LOL

Rissa

Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 11:31 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Bearware. I was posting the same time as you, just caught your message. THANK YOU!!!! I think I will print that out and stick it on my fridge when I am feeling like a bad mother. LOL She is a great kid but can be very emotional so I worry a lot about her. She actually just had dental surgery yesterday and she has a needle phobia (I don't mean fear and tears, I mean psychotic breakdown hysteric phobia) so the Dr. gave her valium. Let me tell you... she entertained that waiting room for a good 30 minutes, she was so stoned. RFLOL Last year she had to have a similiar surgery and she pretty much ruined the surgeons shots at ever becoming a dad plus destroyed a bunch of medical equipment, this year they were not taking any chances. LOL Has nothing to do with the topic but I just had to tell ya. :) This is my oldest and youngest big goof and little terror

Faerygdds

Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 12:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh Rissa!!! What beautiful girls you have!!!

I cracked up when I read you drive them nuts 24/7 anyhow... :)

I didn't mean to start a fight either.. I think it just came out wrong... my knack fo posting when I wake up and haven't quite cleared out the cobwebs rears it's ugly little head again.

If you two have done the separation thing before and it worked, then GREAT!

As far as your Dad's health goes... I know this may sound cold and maybe even a little harsh, but I KNOW that my Dad would never want me to sacrifice in my life because of his health. He always tells me... I've lived a long life and when I die... you will be comfortable for many years... I always tear up when he says it and reply... money is nothing compared to having you here... and he says, I know, but I did a good job... and you are living proof of that. So I know he would want me to move if I needed to.

OK.. all choked up... I have to go get ready to go see me Dad at the hospital... I'm taking him chiliburgers so we can watch Big Brother together... some things NEVER change! :)

Tntitanfan

Sunday, July 21, 2002 - 09:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
If your parents are retired and have no home, why can't they move to where you are going? If your other sibs don't have all that much family contact, wouldn't that work? There are lots of great senior organizations that would help them get settled and make new friends rapidly

Bearware

Sunday, July 21, 2002 - 10:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Rissa, What beautiful girls! I think you are probably a MARVELOUS Mom! Who else would worry so much about them? I do wish I could've been in that waiting room, hilarious!

Hang in there, kids are pretty resilient, it's we Old People who don't bounce any more!