Archive through March 05, 2002
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The ClubHouse: Archives: The Funny Farm: Archive through March 05, 2002

Max

Thursday, February 14, 2002 - 04:48 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
What? No joke thread yet? Must remedy that! Here's a starter for ya. :)

--------------
Subject: Politics and Economics Explained


DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted
for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You
feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.


SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


LIBERTARIAN: You have two cows. You tell the government that they can only
tax 33% of the milk produced because you are not going to pay for socialist
programs like welfare. You feel the 33% tax pays for defense and basic
infrastructure needs - No more. You tell the low life scum sucking leeches
to get a job and earn their keep or leave America.


REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?


COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and
build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you
to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the
milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top
of
their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are
all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred
miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per
year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life
is
good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you
have
42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan
in
the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows
you
really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two
You
don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At
night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them. Then you kill
them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.


POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch
of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose
which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from
Arkansas .

Nightcrawler

Thursday, February 14, 2002 - 05:09 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I loved that thanks for puting it up REALLY REALLY GOOD.
nightcrawler

Labmouse

Thursday, February 14, 2002 - 05:28 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Hillary is fat? Compared to whom? There was a time when Bill was a little chubby, and many described him as a fat slob.

I would describe Hillary as solidly built but not a fat cow. I always find it amusing that people criticize the Clintons by insulting their weight.

Yes...I know that Max's post is tongue in cheek.

Max

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 12:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I didn't write it, just thought it was funny. :)

I agree that Hillary is far from fat, but it wouldn't be as funny if it said you picked a solidly built cow from the herd, now would it?

Twiggyish

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 06:04 am EditMoveDeleteIP
"BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the
milk down the drain."

YUP!!!

Whowhere

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 08:52 am EditMoveDeleteIP
SPORTS SHORTS
Now that the Winter Olympic Games are here, let us prepare for the probability of new sportscaster bone-head comments by reviewing some of their past boners...

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria...I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This isreally a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing -- but none of them serious."

Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it... you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US tv commentator: "One of the reasons Arnold Palmer is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Whowhere

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 12:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
This is a classic. Definitely worth another look!

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid",
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind didn't see your sign".

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..ok ..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. “Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends.
The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

Jeep

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 12:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I haven't given any signs out today, but here's a story that's a hoot:

The president of the small corporation where I work is very intelligent about most things, but he frequently needs a sign. At lunch with a group of co-workers, we were complaining about the extremely dry and hot weather. Brown grass, low water tables, etc. I was telling them that the wild animals (racoons in particular) on our farm were actually pulling the sweet corn off the stalks to eat what little was there. This intelligent man looks at me and says "you mean they eat it raw?" So, I just calmly said "no, Stu, they cook it on their little campfires out in the field". Everyone just howled and he turned red and nearly crawled under the table.

At another time, a former co-worker visited the office to show us her new twins, a boy and a girl. Intelligent man again puts foot in mouth. He asked "are they identical?". Just happened I was there again and said "only from the waist up".

I need to print some more signs!

Whowhere

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 02:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
TOO funny Jeep! I would say that person definitely needs a sign - perhaps even a flourescent sign.

Great stories!!

Moondance

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 02:30 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
In my e-mail this morning...

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons",
where : ) means a smile and : ( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and
:-( respectively.
Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Meme9

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 07:48 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL great post guys!!!

Twiggyish

Friday, February 15, 2002 - 07:55 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I'm saving these for when BB starts up again, seems like a lot of those emoticons could be used then. (We get a lot of (_E=mc2_)'s around)

Babyruth

Saturday, February 16, 2002 - 08:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Thought Provoking Thoughts

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

16. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

17. What do people in China call their good plates?

18. What is a male ladybug called?

19. When dog food has a new and improved taste, who tastes it?

20. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

21. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

23. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

24. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

25. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

26. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

27. Why are there floatation devices in the seats of airplanes instead
of parachutes?

28. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

29. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

30. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

31. You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the plane out of that stuff?

32. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

33. If you squeeze olives to get olive oil, then how do they get baby oil?

34. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?

35. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

36. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Babyruth

Wednesday, February 20, 2002 - 08:28 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Kid's Letters To God


Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma


Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil


Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry


Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan


Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -DJ

Babyruth

Thursday, February 21, 2002 - 07:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Songs for aging Boomers:

THE BEATLES:
- "I get by with a little help from Depends"

STEELY DAN:
- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

THE ROLLING STONES:
- "Angie-oplasty"
- "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
- "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (But I Can't Hear It)"

CREEDENCE CLEAR-WATER REVIVAL:
- "Bad Prune Rising"

MARVIN GAYE:
- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

THE WHO:
- "Talkin' 'bout my medication..."

THE TROGGS:
- "Bald Thing"

HERMAN'S HERMITS:
- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Donut

Thursday, February 21, 2002 - 10:08 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
baby ruth you just killed me!!!
and hubby is still slapping his knees and chokin'!

Donut

Thursday, February 21, 2002 - 10:14 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
btw, if weiner catches sight of these we will be in a whole heap of trouble....amidst a whole heap of boomerrock puns...

Donut

Thursday, February 21, 2002 - 10:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
didnt Steppenwolf sing:
Get your Rascal running
head out of your driveway
looking for some dentures
and whatever stops these gas pains...

uhoh! now i am doing it...
should we start a Boomer Rock thread??

Weinermr

Thursday, February 21, 2002 - 10:26 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
and his ears perk up....

What??? 1 2

Whowhere

Friday, February 22, 2002 - 09:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES THEY ALWAYS DO THEIR BEST TO COMMUNICATE WITH ENGLISH, THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE

Inter-Connecting Train Terminal, Hong Kong, Airport: ALLOW DEPARTING PASSENGERS TO ALIGHT BEFORE BOARDING.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN C*CK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL C*CK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Donut

Friday, February 22, 2002 - 08:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
those are great!! i have a couple i saved from when i was in asia, and i will have to try to dig them out. One was a stip that goes around the toilet seat in the hotel room to show its cleaned, and i think it said 'very sanitarily yours'

Whowhere

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 - 01:06 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's. In a few years we will have millions of people running around with huge breasts and erections, but they won't remember what the hell to do with 'em.

Weinermr

Saturday, March 02, 2002 - 08:04 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Did you hear about the guy who needed to buy computer memory but couldn't qualify to buy on credit so he had to pay cache? Neither did I.

Weinermr

Saturday, March 02, 2002 - 09:15 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I learned how to make sauce in my Holland days.

Babyruth

Tuesday, March 05, 2002 - 07:40 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Evolution of Modern Math

Some may be enlightened, other will experience a rush of memories......

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth
one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The
set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There
are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that
his profit margin is $60?