The Funny Farm
The ClubHouse: Archives: The Funny Farm
Max | Friday, March 08, 2002 - 11:47 am     NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE INTELLIGENCE OF A MOTHER.... Brian invited his mother over to dinner. During the course of the meal,Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester began to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian, saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose your mother took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that said: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not staying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mother LESSON OF THE DAY: NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!! |
Soeur | Saturday, March 09, 2002 - 09:41 am     THE JOYS OF BEING MALE 1. Your rear is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. Chocolate is just another snack. 7. You can be president. 8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park. 9. Foreplay is optional. 10. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 11. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. 12. The world is your urinal 13. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 14. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. 15. Same work ... more pay. 16. Wrinkles add character. 17. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 18. Wedding dress $2,000; Tux rental $100. 19. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 20. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 21. The occational well rendered belch is practically expected. 22. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 23. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 24. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 25. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" And, Finally.......... 17. One mood, all the time. |
Juju2bigdog | Saturday, March 09, 2002 - 02:27 pm     The Enron Voice Mail System, 2002 Ring-ring |
Tksoard | Saturday, March 09, 2002 - 02:40 pm     Help Juju!! I can't get it, and I need to laugh today, or I'm going to want a cig!! (bad day) What does it say?  |
Juju2bigdog | Saturday, March 09, 2002 - 05:01 pm     Uh oh, Tk! Here, maybe you can copy it down and type in the address yourself and that will get you there. http://www.witcity.com/enron/
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Whowhere | Tuesday, March 12, 2002 - 11:46 am     The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of b*tches." |
Whowhere | Tuesday, March 12, 2002 - 11:54 am     This is a laugh for all those women out there who look forward to that wonderful time, once a year, when they get to be "intimate" with their OB/GYN doctor! In Sydney, Australia one of the radio stations pays money ($1000-5000)for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000... "I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning -- 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting Room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" But I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school, while my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. "No!" she replied. "I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it." |
Babyruth | Tuesday, March 12, 2002 - 01:25 pm     In case you missed this tidbit....The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the current winning entries: 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist |
Donut | Tuesday, March 12, 2002 - 08:51 pm     teeheeheeheehee |
Whowhere | Wednesday, March 13, 2002 - 01:17 pm     Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth both passed on the same day. They arrived at the gate to Heaven together. St. Peter said, “Welcome girls! We have a problem. There's only one opening in Heaven today. We'll have to decide who's to enter.” Dolly opens her blouse, pops her bra and says, “Look! The most perfect pair God ever made!’” St. Peter was quite impressed. At that point, the Queen dropped her skirt and panties, shook up a bottle of carbonated water and proceeded to douche herself. St. Peter said at that point, “Enter your highness.” Dolly angrily said, “Why her and not me!?!” St. Peter snapped back, “Everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair!” |
Jewels | Wednesday, March 13, 2002 - 02:08 pm     LOL Who!! Warning: Some may find this repulisve... Students at the USC Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They were all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you can never become disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger deep in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking their turns, stuck their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in his butt and sucked my index finger. Pay attention people!!!" |
Whowhere | Thursday, March 14, 2002 - 08:54 am     >What A Difference 30 Years Makes >================================= > >What A Difference 30 Years Makes >1972: Long hair >2002: Longing for hair >1972: The perfect high >2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund >1972: KEG >2002: EKG >1972: Acid rock >2002: Acid reflux >1972: Moving to California because it's cool >2002: Moving to California because it's warm >1972: Growing pot >2002: Growing pot belly >1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor >2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor >1972: Seeds and stems >2002: Roughage >1972: Popping pills, smoking joints >2002: Popping joints >1972: Killer weed >2002: Weed killer >1972: Hoping for a BMW >2002: Hoping for a BM >1972: The Grateful Dead >2002: Dr. Kevorkian >1972: Going to a new, hip joint >2002: Receiving a new hip joint >1972: Rolling Stones >2002: Kidney Stones >1972: Being called into the principal's office >2002: Calling the principal's office >1972: Down with the system >2002: Upgrade the system >1972: Disco >2002: Costco >1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut >2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved >1972: Taking acid >2002: Taking antacid >1972: Passing the drivers' test >2002: Passing the vision test >1972: Whatever >2002: Depends >Author Unknown but I assume they are at least 50 years old. |
Lancecrossfire | Sunday, March 17, 2002 - 07:30 pm     One day while walking down the street, a bus tragically hit a highly successful HR Director and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down down down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everbody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up up up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down down down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a > > country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff." |
Juju2bigdog | Tuesday, March 26, 2002 - 08:05 am     You've all seen this one before in written form, but it is kinda cute with the cartoons: You don't know Jack Schitt |
Holly | Tuesday, March 26, 2002 - 11:53 am     Got this in Email An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. Then a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well", said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sound of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: "Dear Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." |
Holly | Tuesday, March 26, 2002 - 12:14 pm     Just one more. A plane is on it's way to Montreal, when a blonde gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal. |
Sabbatia | Tuesday, March 26, 2002 - 04:59 pm     A man goes to the proctologist, and as he is sitting there without clothes looking around, he sees the table where all the "tools" are laid out. There is a tube of K-y Jelly, a pair of gloves and a can of beer. He sits there a long time thinking, I can understand the gloves and the K-Y, but what the heck is the beer for? So, when the Dr comes in, he finally asks him. The Dr gets angry, and turns red. He opens up the door and yells at the nurse "NURSE, I SAID BUTT LIGHT, NOT BUD LIGHT" |
Nancy | Wednesday, April 17, 2002 - 10:42 am     Ok--I do NOT say most of these this way LOL (boston lingo!) Pahty: A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing t o do with Mother ah: The letter between "q" & "s." ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah. bah: Serves beah and hahd likkah; e.g., "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah." bayah : Ferocious brown or black animal. beah: Malt beverage. bon: As in, "Where were you bon?" bzah: Strange, odd. Chahlz: The rivah. chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah. Con: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob. connah :Where streets intersect. fah: Not neah heah fok: What you eat pahster with. fyah: Blaze Gahden: What they're tearing down this yeah. hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773. Hahvid: Country day school across the rivah. hahf-ahst :Done without regahd to detail. heah :Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah/of the khakis :What you staht the cah with. nawtheastah: Stawm that blows in from the wottah. pichahs :They throw fastballs at Fenway. Rawjah: He throws the fastest fastballs at Fenway. Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hiss shouting "To Ahms]" shuah: of course shot :not tall. wof A peeah, jutting into the hahbah. wottah: H2O yeah: A 365 day period. yiz: you, plural; e.g., "Ah yiz goin down to the Cape tammorah?" |
Nancy | Wednesday, April 17, 2002 - 10:43 am     I can't vouch for this LOL: Subject: Houston lingo Aggs Hens lay them Franch What they speak in Paris, France San Tone Nearby town Buy You Slowly moving body of water Cone GOOSE Toe Fun Spanish for "with pleasure." (con gusto). Didn't know you could speak a foreign language? TAKE Sis Our state H Town What we call ourselves Heidi A Houston greeting You Mid Summer forecast Skeeter Hawks Dragonflies Bayer Beer (not aspirin) Meskins People from Mexico Washateria Laundromat to many Tart Law Torte law (Civil suits for damages) Nashville Where we DON't want them to send our football team Do What? Pardon me? Hatty Howdy (another Houston greeting) Srimps Small crustaceans Free TOE Pa Tasty meal created by pouring chili on Freetos |
Tksoard | Wednesday, April 17, 2002 - 11:01 am     OOPS!!  |
Tksoard | Wednesday, April 17, 2002 - 11:01 am     OH MAN!! Am I glad I don't live or visit those places!!  |
Nancy | Wednesday, April 17, 2002 - 11:04 am     lol tk--i saw your post in the other thread so had to post this here HEHE ..(or heah as we say in bahston).. |
Tksoard | Wednesday, April 17, 2002 - 11:12 am     HUH?????  |
Teddybear | Wednesday, April 17, 2002 - 11:32 am     Nancy...that was soo funny. I am from Houston and its right on the nail! |
Urgrace | Thursday, April 18, 2002 - 02:42 pm     Rite Awn Nancy! hehehe I live just down the road a piece from Houston! |
Abbynormal | Monday, April 22, 2002 - 12:43 pm     A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. When the Dr. came back into the room, he found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, have the two of you decided?" asked the Doctor. Yes, the man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." |
Babyruth | Thursday, May 02, 2002 - 06:24 pm     America!! You live in California when. . . 1. You make over $250, 000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You live in New York when. . . 1. You say "The City" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature." 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You live in Alaska when. . . 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with fewer than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You live in the South when. . . 1. You get a movie and bait in the same store. 2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. After a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?" 4. "He needed killin'," is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Fay Nell. You live in Colorado when. . . 1. You carry your $3, 000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when. . . 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different." |
Sunshinemiss | Thursday, May 02, 2002 - 06:51 pm     LOL Babyruth, been there, heard that, so true! |
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