Legal Issues over Child Custody
MoveCloseDeleteAdmin

The ClubHouse: Archives: Legal Issues over Child Custody

Whoami

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 06:49 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
OK, I need to vent and rant. I'll try not to make this long, but no guarantees. I'll also try to break up the paragraphs for Oregon's sake .

A bit of history. This concerns my sister, her three kids, her X, and his new wife.

Sis met him at age 14. He was in his 20's, and met her by hanging around the HS, seeking a vulnerable girl to hook up with. By age 16, she had moved in with him. At 18 they were married.

They had three children (also lost two to miscarriage). He never looked after them. They were attached to her 24 hours a day. As much as she loved them of course, anybody needs a break, and she got none. He also had ways of manipulating and controlling her, including keeping her away from her family. This isolation, trapped feeling, and no break from responsiblility (especially for someone so young) were too much to bear. On top of that, since the age of 12 (we find out later), she has been fighting her true sexuality all along.

Around 1996 (after 10 years of marriage), she attemps suicide, and ends up in the state hospital. His idea of watching the kids while she's in the hospital is to work in his shop in the basement, while they go unsupervised and tear up the house upstairs. Over the course of two years, she is in and out of the hospital. Finally, after the last attempt, her husband tells her she can't go back home (we say we can't blame him at the time). While in the halfway house, she meets a woman who is gay, and she finally embraces/admits to herself her sexuality.

She is still in a very fragile state of mind when she divorces the X. He gets the official paperwork together, which gives him custody of the kids (she really is in no shape at the time to have custody). She agrees to not fight him over alimony, or possesion of the house (which she initiated them getting through Habitat for Humanity). He has on the divorce papers that he, in return, will pay all the outstanding marital bills, including her hospitalization. The custody agreement says she gets them for 10 hours on every other Sunday, but he verbally tells her she can see them any time she wants. In her vulnerable and fragile state of mind at the time, she agrees to everything, and signs the divorce agreement.

FF to now. It's been four years since the divorce. Sis has gone through therapy, and is doing very well mentally. She is fully out of the closet, and in a strong relationship. In the past four years, he (and the stepmom) has pulled things like:
-not allowing the kids to talk to her when she attend one of their concerts. They're not even allowed to look at her or wave at her.
-not allowing them to talk to her on the phone.
-throwing away the weekly cards sis sends to the kids, not allowing them to see the cards.
-not allowing the younger child to sit on the family furniture, cause she has "accidents." Never mind the fact that she is 9, and there must be something mentally/physically going on that they refuse to address. They just punish her and make her sit on the floor (I'm betting the family dog gets better treatment).
-forcing the children (ages 9, 11, 13) to do all the family chores, and not allowing them to do thier schoolwork until the chores are done.
-the 13 year old gets in trouble for not calling the stepmom "Mom." But the step's daughter can call the dad by his given name, and isn't forced to call him Dad.

Last November, they told the 13 year old (then 12), they were sick of her behavior, and told my sister they could have her. They said if they didn't come and get all her stuff from the house by that Thursday (which was also Thanksgiving), they would throw it all away.

Sis got a lawyer to get the custody changed (actually, she had already had it in the works to get more visitation with the children). A few weeks later, he called and said he changed his mind, he wants her back (after he had allowed her to be pulled from her old school, and enrolled in the new school, and had started school). After a lot of turmoil, the lawyers agreed she would stay with sis until June 9, and a re-evaluation would take place. In the meantime, they (kids, and both households of adults) would have visits with a parenting coordinator, who would make a decision by June 9.

No decision has been made. Her lawyer (the second one she's gotten) keeps dragging her feet and won't fight for anything. X is supposed to have visitation every other weekend, and today was his turn. As expected, he didn't return her.

So, everything is in limbo. This lawyer is now on vacation until the end of June. In the meantime, the children will continue to be used as weapons/tools for him to vent his hatred towards my sister. The children are his only tool of power he has over her now, and it doesnt' seem like he cares how much stress/turmoil he puts them though, just as long as he can get back at my sister.

HOW can my sister find a lawyer who wil be aggressive, and actually fight all this nonsense? Someone who will look after the welfare of the children? Why is it the legal system seems to believe this jerk's stories (he is the most accomplished lier/story teller I have ever seen). I can understand a person who has attempted suicide could be considered a threat to the children, but she's been through therapy and straightened out. And I also fear the courts see "lesbian" and think unfit too.

I'm so sick of him jerking her around. I'm sick of seeing the kids fear getting into trouble cause they want to see their mom. I'm sick of the lawyers who won't stand up and fight for my sister, and for the court-appointed therapists and parenting coordinators who can't see what this is doing to the children. And I'm sick of these same court-appointed officials who drag their heels, and won't come to a decision, allowing X to continue to pull new tricks that hurt the kids while he uses them as a weapon to hurt my sister.

After this thread runs it's course in a few days, I'm asking Admin to remove it, as it does contain a lot of personal info. I'm posting cause Sis called tonight upset, and asked me to. She just doesn't know where to turn anymore. Advice and suggestions would be appreciated. But, most important, please send some positive vibes to my sister. She could use all the energy she can get. And the same goes for those poor children.

Llkoolaid

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 07:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I really don't know what to say that would help.

Is your sister as stong as she needs to be to fight this guy? It sounds to me that he has real problems with control and she is used to being a victim. I think she needs a new lawyers, maybe one that is used to fighting for gay rights, especially in custody battles.

One thing I do know is an old saying "What goes around comes around". She should stick in there and fight for these kids because if he is bad as he sounds the kids will be asking where she was and why she didn't fight for them.

I know that if the kids see that she is there for them that one day when they are in control they will turn to her and away from him. He is going to have to answer for everything he does.

I know this doesn't help much now but in the end she will win. I don't know what the courts will do but I think that she needs a very strong lawyer who will take a very strong interest in her case.

I don't know about the law in the U.S., but in Canada a child of 13 can decide which parent they want to live with.

Why some people don't understand that a child needs the love of both parents in their lives I'll never know. They need to show respect for each other in front of the kids. Tell your sister to take the high road, it will pay off in the long run.

Karuuna

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 07:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Laws vary depending on where you live, but in Colorado, the age where a child has some say in where they live is 14.

Have you looked into having an attorney appointed for the child(ren)? Often these are family law attornies who do pro bono work on behalf of children, and they can be really wonderful. They really do care what's in the *child's* best interest, and not the parents (either side).

Since a decision was not made, your sister's attorney should have filed a motion with the court (which would need to be responded to in ten days) in order to force the issue. Since this attorney is on vacation, someone in that office ought to be able to handle it for her.

Because of your sister's situation, I would strongly recommend your sister get an attorney who specializes in defending rights of gay parents. They have a greater interest in following thru on your sister's case, and making this happen. If you need some names of associations you can contact that can make a local recommendation, let me know!

Whoami

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 07:59 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I'm on the phone with Sis right now as we speak. We live in Colorado. In fact, we are in Northern CO (as I believe I remember hearing you were). We would love to know the names of associations that you could recommend. Please e-mail me at maremoo@sprynet.com if you'd rather not post here! Thanks.

Karuuna

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 08:16 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The lasrgest non-profit legal organization that works on gay issues, state by state is Lambda Legal.

From their website:

How the Help Desk Works
During the Help Desk Hours, Lambda Legal staff respond directly to members of our community who are seeking legal information and assistance with sexual orientation-related and HIV/AIDS-related discrimination. To the extent that our resources and priorities allow, Lambda Legal takes on legal representation of callers whose situations present impact litigation issues; for many others, Lambda Legal provides leads to other organizations and practical information that might help them address their problems. We also provide a list of suggested questions to ask a prospective attorney. If you would like more information or to request assistance, please call the office which serves your state. Please note that help desk hours are subject to change.
We greatly prefer individuals to call us by telephone. However, if this is impossible, please email us at legalhelpdesk@lambdalegal.org. It is very important that you include the city and state of your issue, so we can refer to the specific laws in your area.


Colorado is covered by their national office:
National Headquarters
(Eastern Time)
Mondays -- 10:00 AM to 12:00 Noon
Tuesdays -- 1:00 PM to 4:00 PM
Wednesdays -- 10:00 AM to 12:00 Noon
Thursdays -- 1:00 PM to 4:00 PM
Call 212-809-8585 and ask for the Help Desk.

Karuuna

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 08:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Also from the Lambda site: (www.lambdalegal.org)

Some Suggested Questions to Ask a Prospective Attorney


Attorney’s Background and Experience


1. How many years have you been in practice?
2. Do you have any experience with [your legal issue]? With issues of sexual orientation and/or HIV? How many cases in this area? How did these cases turn out? Have you represented other lesbian/gay clients?

3. Do you have any personal doubts about the equality rights of gays/lesbians and/or people with HIV/AIDS?
4. Are you familiar with the special strategy problems which often exist in cases involving sexual orientation and/or AIDS? How do you feel about the personal and political decisions I may make that will affect the strategy of my case, like being open about my sexual orientation or living with a lover during the course of my case?
5. Are you aware of the types of arguments that will be used against me?
6. Are you willing to accept help (for example, sample briefs, articles, lists of cases, transcripts of other hearings, lists of experts, consultations) from lesbian and gay organizations?
7. How do you feel about using expert witnesses on issues of sexual orientation? Have you ever used one in such a case as this?
8. Who will be doing most of the work on my case – you or an assistant? What experience does your assistant have with this type of case? Will you consult with another lawyer? Can I meet the other people involved in my case?


Keeping Me Informed


1. How will we stay in touch as the case proceeds? When can you be reached? What about weekends and evenings?
2. Will you consult with me before making major decisions about the case? Will you keep me up-to-date on significant developments in the case? Will you provide me with regular updates about the case?


My Legal Options, My Chances of Success, and Other Considerations


1. What are the different avenues or strategies that might be open to me to resolve this problem? What are the pros and cons of these different approaches?
2. What will I personally be required to do in the course of pursuing this case? What information about me may be at issue if I pursue this case? (E.g., will I have my deposition taken, undergo medical or other evaluations, have my employment/personal history disclosed?)
3. What are my chances of success? What can I expect to win if the case succeeds? What other factors do you advise that I weigh in deciding whether or how to pursue this matter?
4. How long do you expect this case to take? Will you prepare an estimated timetable?


Attorneys' Fees and Costs


1. Is there an initial consultation fee?
2. Do you require a retainer?
3. How do you bill for your services? Do you charge an hourly rate? What are the hourly rates for you and others who would work on my case?
4. Do you accept contingency fee arrangements?
5. What other costs might be involved?
6. Will you bill periodically as the case progresses? Will you supply itemized bills?
7. What do you estimate will be my total attorneys’ fees and costs?

Karuuna

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 08:19 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
They should be able to refer you to some folks in Colorado that will help. If you're in Larimer County, I might be able to do the same thru my own (extremely competent) family law attorney. Let me know!

Firebird05

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 08:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Whoimi. Sending positive vibes to you, your sister, and the children. I hope it all works out to their best benefit.

Karuuna has given you alot of sound advise. Your sister should take it, Karuuna is the best and also the most trust worthy. She has not once told me anything that was wrong.

We also have Court Appointed Child Advocates here. It is free to see them. They are there to represent the rights of the child. Your sister should check to see if they have a similar group where the children are.
I hope this helps your sister but most of all the children.

Whoami

Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 09:25 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thank you so much for the responses so far!

Llkoolaid, very sound advice. That's pretty much what she's been doing (fighting for the kids). She said a long time ago that even if she doesn't win, she wants them to know she fought for them. We all keep telling her it will work out eventually. But it's hard to keep an upper lip on such a continuous basis. It's acutally exhausting to take the high road, when all you get in return is.... (hmm, can't think of a proper word to insert here, so use your imagination).

Karuuna, great info so far. I've forwarded it all to sis, and can't wait for her to read it!

Firebird, thanks for the vibes. The kids and sis need it the most. What ever you had in reserve for me (though appreciated), please send it to them.

Christina

Monday, June 10, 2002 - 03:55 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Mythoughts are with your sis and kids Whoami! I have felt the frustrations she has felt. The old saying that what goes around comes around, is so true. I wouldnt have believed it . Tell her to hold on. Wish I had some advice. Just a prayer.