Archive through December 14, 2001

The ClubHouse: Archives: Dear Abbey...: Archive through December 14, 2001

Whoami

Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 09:52 pm Click here to edit this post
Well, for lack of a better title.....

I'm looking for advice. Also welcome anyone to continue this thread who are looking for advice too!

My situation: My aunt would be celebrating her 59th anniversary in December. Her husband and childhood lover passed away last May. For at least the last decade (closer to two) he has had a failing body (legs, etc), and various health problems. During this time, her entire existance centered around his care. From the normal cooking/serving of meals, to dressing him and helping him to the restroom, to bed, and in/out of his chair.

How do we aknowledge their anniversary to let her know we are thinking of her, and not forgetting him? We want to let her know we are remembering them in this difficult time of holidays and the pending anniversary. But we don't want to do it in a way that will rub salt in the wounds of her grief.

Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

Tess

Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 11:18 pm Click here to edit this post
Whoami--my dad died just days before my parents 49th anniversary after nearly a decade of being ill and in a nursing home. My mom visited him nearly every day. When their anniversary came, I called her to tell her that I was thinking of her. I also sent a card. Not an anniversary card but a thinking of you kind of card. Same thing the following March for their 50th anniversary. She appreciated it very much. I also called my younger sister and reminded her to call.

That is what worked for our family. I don't know if that's of any help to you or not but I hope it is. I am so sorry for your loss.

Braveheart61901

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 12:23 am Click here to edit this post
I agree with Tess. You don't want to send an anniversary card, or a "happy anything" card...but a nice "thinking of you" card would be very appropriate and appreciated. You could include a note recalling a special memory that includes both of them.

Tess, my father died this year, also just days before his and my mom's 49th anniversary. Just thought I'd mention the coincidence we share.

Grooch

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 05:53 am Click here to edit this post
I agree with the card idea too. Does she live near you? If so, invite her out to dinner or lunch so she has some company for the day. She will have something to look forward to.

Pcakes2

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 06:19 am Click here to edit this post
Great advice you guys. My Dad died in 1988 a few weeks before my parents 25th anniversary...that day was always difficult for my mom. Ten years later, my husband and I got married on the exact same day, June 27th. I brought so much happiness to my mom to share that day with me.

Kep421

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 07:00 am Click here to edit this post
A "thinking of you" card was exactly what I was thinking of when I read your post, Who.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Uncle. I send my best wishes for your Aunt.

Babyruth

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 07:39 am Click here to edit this post
Whoami-
Every article or bit of advice I've ever read on this from professionals as well as widows/widowers themselves says that you should absolutely send an anniversary card. I myself would choose that over a "thinking of you" card. I would also take her out and if she wants to reminisce and tell stories of their early married life OR if she wants to grieve and cry, let her. This is her day, her marriage, her life and you're acknowedging that you know how important it was to her. Don't hold back out of fear of "upsetting her". Often when we do that we are really avoiding our own discomfort. You can bet she's feeling emotional as that date approaches, and that's not a bad thing.
Of course, you know your aunt best and should proceed with your gut feeling/instinct on what she needs and what seems appropriate.
Just my strongly felt 2 cents.

Karuuna

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 08:30 am Click here to edit this post
I have a friend who lost his daughter to cancer when she was only 5 years old. That was over 12 years ago. Every year, there are three occasions that I send a card -- her birthday, the anniversary of her death, and Christmas. I don't send any kind of special occasion card, I call them "I'm remembering too" cards. For me, I'm not only thinking about how difficult those days are for him, but I'm remembering her, and I think it's important for those who have lost someone to know that someone else remembers that person too on those days. Also on each of those occasions, I make a small donation to St. Jude's Children's Hospital in memory of Amy.

Max

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 08:32 am Click here to edit this post
I think it really depends on your aunt. Everyone deals with grief differently.

Why not ask her? Say something about how the holidays are coming and it's the first time he won't be there. Frame it in terms of how YOU feel about that and ask her how she would like the family to express their feelings about him during this time. She might tell you that she'd rather people didn't discuss it a lot because it's too painful for her right now. Or, she might say she really appreciates that you are thinking of him and give you a clear indication of how you should handle the anniversary.

Anyway, the point is, bring it up with her. Don't be afraid of the subject matter. The hardest part of dealing with death is that people are afraid to talk about it.

Best wishes. :)

Alib

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 08:49 am Click here to edit this post
My brother died in the summer of 1993. His birthday is on Christmas Day. Every year since he died we remember him by having a special Mass on the anniversary of his death in August and then with a birthday cake at Christmas dinner. It has really helped my mother to deal with the grief and lets her know that like her, we all still remember him.

Whoami

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 10:10 am Click here to edit this post
Thank you for all your touching stories and great words of advice (please don't stop just cause I'm posting agian).

My aunt lives several states away, so unfortunatly taking her out is not an option (a card and phone call will probably be a very good idea). She does have a wonderful support group in her children though. They have already been by her side almost every day making sure she doesn't sink into a serious depressive state. As harsh as it sounds, she's more free now to move around and visit their homes now that he's gone. He wasn't able to travel due to his health. And of course they have been visiting her home on a regular basis too.

My aunt and uncle were married the day before Pearl Harbor. He was called away to duty the day after their wedding, and served our country in the war. He didn't see their first son until he was two years old. Just wanted to share that in rememberance of him. My aunt is a saint. She is the most thoughtful and patient person I've ever known. I know there will be a special place in heaven for her when it's her time.

Thanks again everyone. And please feel free to continue sharing your stories and advice.

Kep421

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 10:26 am Click here to edit this post
No Who, I didn't think the remark about your aunt having more personal freedom now sounded harsh, is sounded like reality. It takes a great deal of hard work and personal sacrifice to care for an invalid loved one... both your aunt and uncle sound like a loving and remarkable human beings.

They are also very lucky people to have such a caring niece.

Honey51

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 10:32 am Click here to edit this post
My Dad passed away after a bout with cancer 5 months before my parents 50th anniversary. I am one of six girls and we decided to plan a weekend trip with my mother.

We went to the Gulf Coast for the weekend, talked about Dad a lot, and just enjoyed each others company.

It not only helped Mom, it really helped us too.

Braveheart61901

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 05:27 pm Click here to edit this post
Karuuna,

I think what you do for your friend is just wonderful. "I'm remembering too" says soooo much without a lot of words. I am going to start doing that with friends who have lost loved ones.

The idea of sending donations to a children's hospital is really great. I hope you receive many blessings in return.

Karuuna

Friday, November 30, 2001 - 06:11 pm Click here to edit this post
Thank you, Braveheart

Grooch

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:10 am Click here to edit this post
Dear Abbey,

Guess what? My boss recently became in charge of the entire accounting department. His boss retired. Now the A/P department just handed me $20 to go pick out a gift for him. I'm suppose to add my $5 to the pot. I had always gotten him a gift on my own before.

What the heck would be a good gift for $25? He doesn't drink or smoke or do anything for fun. He doesn't even have a vcr.

I need some suggestions.

Tksoard

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:14 am Click here to edit this post
A Chia-Pet Pig!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Weinermr

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:45 am Click here to edit this post
Grooch - What kind of music does he like? Does he go to the movies?

Gift certificate to local music store.
Gift certificate to local movie theater.

Here's an idea - A pocket business card holder with his initials engraved on it. You can get those for about $25.

Pen and pencil set.

Gift subscription to a trade magazine, or Sports Illustrated, or something that he is interested in.

A nice tie.

Moondance

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:47 am Click here to edit this post
> A pocket business card holder with his initials engraved on it.<

That's a good idea, G!

Tksoard

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:47 am Click here to edit this post
BORRRRIIIINNNNGGGGG!!!!!

Grooch

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:47 am Click here to edit this post
Do men really like getting ties for Christmas or do they think "Drat! Another damn tie!

I've always wondered that.

Thanks for the ideas Weiner. :)

Tksoard

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:54 am Click here to edit this post
What about my idea, Grooch??? (I think I'm being ignored!!!)

Weinermr

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:56 am Click here to edit this post
I love getting new boring ties, so I don't have to keep wearing the same OLD boring ties. LOL

Fruitbat

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:57 am Click here to edit this post
All good ideas Wienermr. Except the tie. A $25 dollar tie would be grim.

Weinermr

Friday, December 14, 2001 - 12:00 pm Click here to edit this post
You're not being ignored Tksoard. I saw your suggestion for an Ethan-pet....ooops..... I mean a Chia pet.

Grooch, get the Chia with the edible sprouts, and a salad shooter from the Lechters in your local neighborhood mall that is going out of business, and you'll be all set to provide him lunch at his desk in perpetuity. He does eat lunch at his desk doesn't he?