Emotional aggression among girls cited in study

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Ocean_Islands

Tuesday, April 09, 2002 - 06:33 am Click here to edit this post
04/08/2002 - Updated 07:27 PM ET

Girls' friendships show aggression at younger ages

By Nanci Hellmich, USA TODAY

Katy Montague's seventh-grade year was a girl's worst nightmare.

She was excluded from parties, lunch table groups, conversations and cliques. She was teased and taunted about her looks and her glasses. She was treated this way by "the meanest people I ever met, and they were all girls," says Montague of St. Louis.

"There was a lot of plotting and scheming behind people's backs. It was horrible. I don't remember anything I learned that year."

But there was a silver lining: She met her best friend during this trying time. "We do almost everything together. She's always there for me," says Montague, now 17.

Montague's experience mirrors that of millions of girls across the country as they make their way through the often painful passage of adolescence. Out of this pain often comes strength of character and genuine friendships, but while it's happening, a girl's life can be total misery. Now some behavior experts are doing research to try to understand this phenomenon. And while they realize they may not be able to — and perhaps shouldn't — totally change it, there may be ways to help girls get through it with fewer scars.

Experts use the term "relational aggression" to describe the cattiness, meanness and nastiness that happens between some people, but especially among girls.

Girls may gossip, spread malicious rumors, write nasty e-mails, give the silent treatment, exclude people from social events, betray secrets, snicker about someone's clothes or mannerisms behind their backs. They may tell a girl that they're not going to be friends with her unless she does what they want.

"We all get angry. We all have the need to control others and our environment, and boys and girls have tendencies to do those things in different ways," says Nicki Crick, a professor of child development at the University of Minnesota-Minneapolis. She has observed relational aggression in thousands of people, from preschoolers to adults.

Boys and girls are equally capable of being kind or unkind, she says. "But where boys might use physical intimidation, girls will say, 'I won't be your friend anymore' or "I'm not going to talk to you.' "

Several researchers, including Crick, are trying to figure out why this happens so frequently, especially among girls from third grade to seniors in high school, when they really value close friendships.

This spring, a plethora of books are coming out to help parents understand the phenomenon, including The Secret Lives of Girls; The Friendship Factor; Trust me, mom — everyone else is going!; Queen Bees & Wannabes; Odd Girl Out.

Psychologists believe there are several explanations for some of this behavior. One may be that girls are under enormous pressure to be nice and sweet. Unlike boys, girls have few opportunities to openly express their aggression or anger, so they strike out at other girls in covert ways, says Sharon Lamb, author of The Secret Lives of Girls (The Free Press, $24) and a psychology professor at Saint Michael's College in Colchester, Vt.

Some girls today work out their aggression in sports, but even there they can't be as aggressive as boys without risking criticism, she says.

And teen girls don't dare express their anger or aggression at boys their own age because the guys wield too much power, Lamb says. "Boys don't have a problem retaliating. They might spread a rumor that the girl's a slut."

Plus, boys are becoming more important to girls during adolescence. Girls evaluate each other by boys' standards, Lamb says. This makes them turn against each other and compete for boys' attention. So for these reasons, girls go after other girls. "It's like the weak fighting the weak."

They often tell each other their secrets, and those secrets can be used against them, she says. Boys keep their secrets close to their chest.

Girls value relationships very highly, and when they want to hurt someone they do it in a way that is most hurtful, says Nicole Werner, a researcher at the University of Idaho in Moscow.

Rachel Simmons, who interviewed 300 kids for her book, Odd Girl Out, says many girls say they'd rather be hit or screamed at than cut out of a clique with no warning or have a rumor started about them.

Friendships come and go

There are a couple of types of girls who frequently use relational aggression. One is a socially incompetent child who doesn't get along with her peers.

Another is the "Queen Bee," a nickname for the leader of cliques, Crick says. "If you ask girls if they like this person, they'll say, 'No, I hate her.' "

These are girls who are popular because they are dominant. They have looks, possessions, status, says Kenneth Rubin, author of The Friendship Factor with Andrea Thompson (Viking, $25.95).

Queen Bees have friends because others would rather have them on their side than have them against them, he says. But their friends don't feel secure, and their friendships come and go. On the other hand, some girls are popular and have many friends because they are really decent people, he says. These are the people other kids truly want to be friends with.

Montague, a member of USA TODAY's Teen Panel, says the Queen Bees consider themselves above other people and spread gossip and ruin reputations. "I'm definitely afraid if I say the wrong thing with them, it'll get around."

But there are other girls who are really involved in the community and school, and they really try to reach out and give back, she says. "They are popular because everyone knows them, and they know them for good reasons."

Friends are crucial

As director of the Laboratory for Child and Family Relationships at the University of Maryland, Rubin has examined the importance of the friendships for hundreds of children as they make the stressful transition from elementary school into middle school.

In their friendships, children figure out how to get along with people, how to initiate friendships, how to walk away from relationships and how to maintain the ones that are enjoyable and valuable, he says.

They learn about trust, intimacy, security. They learn they can tell their friends about things they wouldn't want anybody else to know, which is called intimate disclosure, Rubin says.

They learn how they can make others feel good and secure, and they learn how others can make them feel good and secure, he says.

"Friendship is about having fun, enjoying each other. It's about helping, sharing and being kind. It's through friendship that you can learn to be decent," Rubin says. People who are good friends as kids become good romantic partners and good friends as adults, he says.

Montague says friends are crucial. "They are someone you can go to when you have a crush on a boy, and there is no one else you can tell. If you're having a bad day with your parents or at school, there is someone you can lean on."

Parents should listen

Because friends are so important, it makes having trouble with them even more traumatic, experts say.

Lamb believes girls would have less relational aggression with other girls if they learned to be more straightforward and honest about their feelings. "In all relationships, if you get angry with people, you talk it out," she says.

She recommends that parents teach their girls how to handle confrontation with dignity. They need to teach them to stand up against injustice for other people and for themselves.

Parents can help by giving their daughter the words to express her feelings. For example, if their daughter is teased about her clothes, the parents might suggest she say, "What you are doing is hurtful, and there is no good reason to treat me this way because clothes really don't matter."

Even if the daughter doesn't say the words to her tormenter, she can rehearse them in her mind and find comfort in them, Lamb says.

Parents also need to be good listeners and guide their children without telling them what to do, Rubin says. Parents should be a big ear, not a commandant, he says.

For instance, if a girl says she wants to be friends with a girl who is shunning her, then the parent might ask: "Why do you want to be friends with her? What would you get out of the relationship? Is there anybody else in school whom you might be interested in being friends with?"

Clinical psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Trust me, mom —- everyone else is going! (Viking, $24.95), says kids can learn lifelong lessons in these experiences. They need to know there is meanness in the world, and they need to figure how they are going to deal with it. This prepares them for jobs where they'll confront people who are "nice and collaborative, and people who are mean and jockey for power."

When Montague was suffering through friendship traumas, her parents were always there for her and willing to listen, she says. One of the most valuable lessons she's learned from her experiences is the hurtfulness of gossiping and meanness. "I catch myself when I want to say something mean, and I stop because I know what it feels like to be on the other side."

Xxlt

Tuesday, April 09, 2002 - 09:53 am Click here to edit this post
yikes!
it's still prevalent in mature ladies...
kinda like going to work and seeing a hockey fight break out in the office......
so much energy wasted!

Neko

Tuesday, April 09, 2002 - 03:34 pm Click here to edit this post
I know what this article means...

It was really bad like that back in 7th Grade to 9th Grade but 10th Grade isn't bad at all. There are too many different "cliques" to pay attention too.
But...there is the "Popular" group. They are the ones who were in a big group back in Junior High and they just happened to stay together now. They are the most mean ones.
I have friends who are in those groups but I stay out of them because really, none of them are real friend with each other because they spend all their time talking about each other behind their backs.

What really makes me angry is when people happen to talk about me for some reason. I wish they'd say it to my face and reasolve their problem with me like an adult instead of spreading rumors.

Luckily. I learned at an early age to not tell anyone my secrets. It sucks I know not to have a real true friend to tell it too (Which I'm sure I have but I don't want to find out the hard way they're Fair-weathered) but as it says in that article "Secrets can be used against you."
*Has just realized how much she wrote
He he heeee.neko

Sia

Tuesday, April 09, 2002 - 04:36 pm Click here to edit this post
Would it be cathartic for me to tell about the hell I was put through when I entered sixth grade in a school in a village of about 2,000 people? I'd come from a suburban school district and was amazed at the hostility of the children in my new school. Do you want to hear about the girl who called me a b*tch on my first day of school--just because the teacher announced to the class (without warning me) that she'd also taught my father when he was in middle school? That was thirty years ago, and I would still do anything to avoid the girl/woman if given the opportunity; she called me filthy names on a daily basis for years. Emotional aggression? It certainly isn't anything new!!

Mssilhouette

Monday, April 15, 2002 - 10:58 am Click here to edit this post
It's amazing how long they take to study something that generations have gone through for years.

I mean I was an odd ball girl but mostly I really didn't care about the other girls so it didn't much matter to me.

I mean I know my best friend in high school (still friends now) got sucked into that crap and shunned me. It hurt but I just left it alone and went my own way. After a while she came to her senses and we were friends again.

But the reason I didn't cry over not having a friend and the like was because my parents taught me to be self sufficient and assured. To not always rely on what people think about you or say about you.

Of course that's always easier said than done. I had girls call me names and all that. But that wasn't a big of a deal to me. Mostly I ignored it and did my own thing.

I know there was a news progam about this very thing last week or the week before and one girl killed herself because of it. I remember at the end they said that we need to teach our girls how to deal with anger so that it comes out and doesn't fester into nasty emotional behavior. 'Cause a nice healty angry outburst will do wonders for that Queen Bee who keeps picking on you.

What's really sad is this behavior continues into adulthood. There have only beent 2 female bosses I've had that were into doing their job and therefore we got along fine. The rest had Queen B-itist, or at least in reaction to my personality.

My belief about "bosses" is that they can only ask you to do something and you ALWAYS have the option of say "YES" or "NO" and the worse thing they can do to you is tell you that you can't work there anymore. So on scale of harm that's not a big deal and I won't give anyone any more power than that.

Having said that, I do my work well BUT I do not cater to things that do not apply to the job. If a "boss" has a need to have their a$$ kissed, no can do, because that wasn't in the job description.

Now I have found that some women in the "boss" position will want to flex the power they assume they have, usually outside of what is required for the job. This usually means that the Queen Bee must get the new person to bow to her dominance beyond what is required for a job.

I have had "bosses" do the silliest of things to get me to do something that wasn't really required of the job but only something they needed so they could feel in control of me.

From that kinda behavior you'd think I was some kinda mouth off or gossiper or slacker. But I wasn't, I always did my work well and that's how you know what type of person you're dealing with. If you are doing your job and the "boss" is still trying to find something to get on you about, then you know it's not really about work.

The key is to be calm within yourself to not react to the insanity. Yelling, screaming, ignoring, excluding tactics only work if you care about what the other person does or says. If you don't give a rat's a$$ then all that emotional aggression won't harm you. If there is nothing that other person can give you to make you better than you have no need for them.