Archive through December 25, 2001

The ClubHouse: Archives: Are You Adopted ( or otherwise unattached) ?: Archive through December 25, 2001

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 06:31 pm Click here to edit this post
I have found that there are a lot of us out here that are adopted.. Is this a fluke or are we out here searching for a way to belong? Please tell your stories if you're comfortable.

My story is coming in a short while. I'm scared to tell it, but I promise I will.

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 06:53 pm Click here to edit this post
Ok Here goes,
I have to tell you first of all this is really hard, REALLY hard! I guess before I was born my Mom knew she couldn't keep me. She was 16 and I was not politically correct at the time.. 1960... anyway, she was under the impression that if she gave me up I would go to a "fairy tale" family. I wish it were so. My adoptive family, whom I love very much, were struggling with there own issues, my Dad didn't love my Mom but he thought if he gave her a baby (me) it would be Ok. Well, it wasn't. My Dad wanted a family so he could do his "own" thing and my mom wanted a "kid" so she would be normal. I wasn't exactly what they wanted. Ummm... I've ever been what people "wanted". I was outspoken, rude, opinionated, obstinante, crude, unruly, and a basic jerk. Still am. Anyway, I don't think they knew what to do with me and they pretty much just gave up at around 14. I moved out at 15 and well thats another story. My question I guess is..... when you are given away, are you unlovable? Can we be contributing adults? Or are we destined to be needy, wanting individuals? I would like to know.

Nancy

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:09 pm Click here to edit this post
hugs rg--i can't really address all that you ask--as i am not adopted but just figured you needed a hug anyway. as for being given away, of coure you are loveable i think what your real mom did was the best thing in the situation she was in. she thought obvously not correctly in this situation but she thought she would give you all the love you deserved, and you do deserve it.

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:12 pm Click here to edit this post
hug accepted Nancy!!!

Tess

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:27 pm Click here to edit this post
Hugs from me, too, RG. My little adopted angel is digging under the Christmas tree right now trying to find THE PERFECT GIFT to unwrap before church. I shared the story of her adoption when I first came. It's heart-breaking and heart-warming all in one.

Sarah says, "Merry Christmas!!" and sends her love.

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:31 pm Click here to edit this post
I grew Up in a home where if you walked in the door you had to be sanitized... we didn't get a drink of water,we didn't touch the stove or cupboards, we we dirty little kids, couldn't touch anything. My Mom liked things clean, we were not clean. We were dirty little kids and never good enough. Couldn't bring friends in our room, they were dirty too. Couldn't do much of anything because we would ruin all the clean shit.

I'm only telling this so you know where I come from... Not for sympathy, please don't give me any of that. I have to believe there are other people out there that "totally" understand. And I guess I'm "baring" my soul for them. So they will talk too.

Car54

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:33 pm Click here to edit this post
{{{{RG}}}}
Great question.

After years of therapy, I have come to the conclusion that the worst thing a parent (birth or adopted) can do is make a child responsible for making them happy. The kind of people who do that are usually the kind of people who are never happy- so in doing this they doom the child to feel a failure from birth.

I don't have kids-(trying to end a really bad gene pool) but I am fascinated by little kids- how complete and perfect they are. It amazes me what some people do to spoil that.

(My mom says she had me to make her happy- but she is NEVER happy... must be my fault. My daddy is always mad because my mom pays more attention to me than she does to him....must be my fault!)

I think in some of us it makes us very angry, and it makes it difficult for us to ever be really satisfied- hence a tendency to be needy... some of us fill that with stuff- food, drink- whatever. I am not really angry anymore- sometimes sad, and still struggling with the fact that some of this stuff will never get fixed.

For me, I had a mother who sold me that line for 25 years- a very needy, controlling person, for whom I was never enough- and as a result, I tend to do the opposite- I am fairly mistrustful- and tend to fear people getting too close. (Hmmm-maybe that is why getting to know people on-line is working out for me!)

My mom has been gone for 9 years, but these things are hard to end.... you think you get over them, but it is really hard! When my dad died, the issues were clearer- he was a bad father- not a lot of blurry issues- he suffered a lot with a long illness- I was able to forgive him when he died and move on- but with my mom, I got so many mixed messages it is still with me.

I suspect in your case, you stay really "busy" a lot- that works for me too- if you are busy, you are useful and you justify yourself... only in the past few years have I figured that out about myself. It is really hard for me to just sit back and NOT have to justify myself or earn approval.

I think it is a process- this year, I am a little better. I have a decent home, a decent job, and I am functioning ok- not great, but ok. I accept that.
I don't ask for a lot- if I can just maintain a more even keel, and take care of myself, that is pretty good. This year, the events of 9/11 really added a lot of strong feelings- something I usually try to avoid.

One thing you have in abundance that people love about you is your humor- you are so funny and smart- (that can be an excellent coping mechanism ) It sounds like your immediate family know and love you and even more important, understand you. That is huge.

Take care, kiddo, and keep working on this stuff! It never really does end, you know.

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:45 pm Click here to edit this post
Tess, Thank God for people like you! I wish I was a teeny bit younger so you could adopt me.

Car, yeah, I know! That's about all I can say.I wish things had been different for you (and me) but we were dealt a hand and I for one intend to play it. And I have a feeling I may have Blackjack! It hasn't happened yet, but damnit, I deserve a break, and so do you! So let's just go with that and with a little luck and some great friends, we are going to be so fine.... soooooo fine! Yup! I think so!

Car54

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:48 pm Click here to edit this post
You got it!

You are right... I am glad there are moms and kids like Tess and Sarah! Both of them are sooo lucky to have found each other for exactly the right reasons! Makes me feel good just thinking about them!

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:57 pm Click here to edit this post
Car I reread your post, there is a lot that you are not saying, decent job, decent home.... I want more for you... and I know you do too. Mediocrity is not good enough! Damnit!

I talk about my life like that too. I want more! I want to put the past where it belongs and be so f$%&%%* happy. How do we do that?

lets work on that together. OK?

Whoami

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 08:37 pm Click here to edit this post
{{{{{RG and Car}}}}}

Well, I'm not adopted, but sort of semi-abandoned. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, and he stopped having a daughter right then and there. He never paid support, never saw me, and to this day (40 years later), I don't even know if he's alive). Add to that I have no idea when his birthday is, or other "mundane" facts. Kind of a wierd feeling to not know those kind of facts about your own father. I often wonder if he even remembers he had a kid, or if he cares/wonders what ever happened to me.

My grandmother hated him so viciously. One day we were having an argument (I know I was under 6, cause she was babysitting me, and my two older sisters were at school). She finally told me I was "no better than that worthless father of yours." I remember what bothered me so much about her statement wasn't that she called me worthless, but that even then I had no memory of him to compare to, to measure the level of worthlessnes. This same grandmother divorced her own husband when my mom was 12. My mom was shuttled from her dad's house to her mom's house (both had re-married), neither parent really wanting to bother having a 12-year-old child in the house. They finally shipped her off to live with her older sister. Despite the fact my grandmother mentally abused my mom at every turn, I actually know there was good in her, and miss her (God rest her soul). She was born in a family of 11 children. I often wonder if she went through abuse, neglect, and that was why she was that way.

My two older sisters have a different father than I. They never really knew their own dad (he stopped having two daughters after he and mom divorced). The knew my father better than their own. They are really close to each other, and I was always a third wheel. I now have a younger sister who is my best friend, and thank God for her! Not long ago, one of my older sisters told me on the phone how she had been feeling down and really needed a "sister fix," so she talked about how she called the other older sister...made me feel real good (not).

All this "early development" stuff made me very withdrawn and shy by the time I started school. Add to the fact that I had curly hair (like an Afro-American, even tho I'm white) in the "Marsha Brady" hair-style days, and I was (still am) fat, I pretty much never had a chance at school. I was constantly tormented and outcast.

Where was I going with all this? I don't know. I think once I got started, I got a bit carried away. Your birth mother probably had to struggle hard and suffer a terrible sacrifice to give you up. Her gamble unfortunatly didn't work as well as she had planned. As you can see from our family though, blood relations don't neccesarily mean you will have a better life. My mom was beaten down mentally by her own mother, and two husbands. We were horribly poor as I was growing up, but Mom worked so hard, and gave us such a loving house to live in. I salute her and appreciate all she went through just to put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. We live together now in a house we own together. I hope I can spend a long time taking care of her like she did for us all our lives. Now all I need to do is get a job, I was laid off again (for the third time in my life). My self-esteem problems make it terrifying and difficult to present myself in front of others, and ask them to "judge" me worthy of hiring.

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:02 pm Click here to edit this post
whoami,
I don't know what to say. Your pain is so strong I am almost speachless. Why don't our parents love us, boy I don't know. I do know that we are loveable, and worthy. But I struggle too. I found my "mom" and It was so good at first, and then it wasn't so good. She drinks, she hates life and she maybe hates me a little. I ruined her life... well she would like to blame me, but I think we all make decisions, and good or bad damnit we have to live with them. I've made the decision not to let my past totally ruin my life. Sometimes it seems to affect it and I have to drag myself out of the abyss and get my shit together... but I know that God didn't mean for me to live for my "parents" and "he " has plans for me and he has plans for all of us. He has a plan for you Whoami! And you have to figure it out. I haven't figured mine out for sure... but I do know that It's good.. and I can do it... and I am worthy. and that's all that matters

Juju2bigdog

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:10 pm Click here to edit this post
YOU did not ruin anybody's life, RG. YOU just existed. YOU were just an innocent child.

Soeur

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:11 pm Click here to edit this post
"...and that's all that matters." AMEN!

Connecting and dealing with these really hard knotty challenges is what makes us come into our own and grow UP.

You guys are just great. You really have made this Christmas even more special. Have faith in your innate capacity to love, if you need it then it is there. What is scary is when people shut themselves off from feeling and prefer being numb.

Phrf

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:28 pm Click here to edit this post
To all here-
I really don't know what to say........
The lives you all have been through make me feel very lucky. I also was adopted but my story is very different.
My Mom and Dad tried for years to have children. My Mother suffered 2 miscarriges and was told she couldn't have children. They adopted me in 1959 when I was newborn. My Mom was 37 and Daddy 40. My Dad use to tell me a story about picking me out. A story I know isn't true now............But he told me they saw a lot of babies and they just knew I was their baby. This always made me feel so special.
When I was a little girl some of my "cousins" would pick on me and make fun of me being adopted and it really wouldn't bother me cause I knew my parents loved me.
When I was 25 I was reunited with my birth mother and found out I was her 13th child and what a very hard life they had all had.
I was very fortunate that these two people brought me into their lives.
God Bless You All and Merry Christmas to All!!!

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:39 pm Click here to edit this post
Phrf,
I was told I was "chosen" too. I'm so glad that you were able to take that as a good thing. In My situation I know now that it was a lie perpetuated by the adoption agency... I may not have been chosen then. But I have been chosen now...and it's good enough for me.

I am so happy for you that you had a good experience... yes I am a little jealous, but I really am happy for you too.

Whoami

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:44 pm Click here to edit this post
RG, JuJu is right. You didn't ruin anyone's life. You are a gift that others failed to unwrap. If they are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions, it's their failure, not yours. As far as God's plan, I wonder if I'll ever find out! But I did tell myself a long time ago that my REAL Father never abandoned me. He is with me every day, and I can tell you many stories about how He was there to protect me and comfort me. I'm just thankful that my mom is so full of love for us. She has more than made up for what my biological father failed in. I think it's all the more remarkable that she even knows how to love, considering what her own parents and step-parents put her through.

Phrf

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:53 pm Click here to edit this post
Hey RG-
My Mom is still with us and I always wanted a sister!!!! :)

PEACE

Resortgirl

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 09:54 pm Click here to edit this post
Whoami,
It is always remarkable when someone who has been shown so little love knows how to do it so perfectly. You are a lucky person to have a mom like that. I know in my brain that I am a good person, it's my heart that falters from time to time. I think it makes me know how important it is to show my own children love... because if you aren't offered it....it's hard to accept. It's very hard to feel. I know it's there.... and I will find it.

Kep421

Monday, December 24, 2001 - 11:03 pm Click here to edit this post
You don't have to look to hard RG...its already found you.

Car54

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 03:55 am Click here to edit this post
Thanks to all who posted here. My wish for all of us who feel we missed things or were hurt or disappointed by our childhoods is peace.

I hope we find the ability to put these things to rest and to find our own kind of peace and forgiveness.

I had that experience at the end of my Dad's life-
25 years of anger and sadness and pain just ended.

I forgave, and wished him well, and for some reason it was over for me- I was a peace with it.

I wish that for all of us.

Resortgirl

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 08:21 am Click here to edit this post
Me too Car, You said it perfectly!

And Phrf, what time is Christmas Dinner. I'll be there, sis! LOL!

Resortgirl

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 08:36 am Click here to edit this post
I have reread all that I and others wrote here. I do want to say that I don't mean to imply that if you are adopted you are unattached.Tess is a wonderful adoptive mother and Sarah has a beautiful life. And there are many others adoptive parents and adopted children that have wonderful lives.

I have a great life now, and I need to put into perspective my past and not be ruled by it. I guess I get sentimental at this time of year because I really don't ever celebrate with any extended family members. I want that old fashioned Christmas with dozens of kids running around, aunts and uncles Grandma and Grandpa. You know. Anyway, thanks for listening to another one of my rants. I'm so glad I didn't leave here. It's a great place with great people.

Peace!

Karuuna

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 11:07 am Click here to edit this post
RG - Thank you so much for sharing a bit of yourself with all of us, and having the courage to be vulnerable. It's so important for all of us to tell our stories, over and over, to others, and to have others hear them and understand. And it's a risk we are often so unwilling to take, because at some level I think we're all afraid that others will somehow look down on us for sharing the truth in our hearts.

The amazing thing is that the exact opposite happens. When we make ourselves vulnerable is when we get exactly the love and acceptance we most need. And in the long run, it's that understanding that helps us find the peace and self-acceptance we seek. So, thank you again, for your willingness to take the risk and show us just how to do that.

What I've learned is that when you've grown up not getting the love you needed and deserved life is a ceaseless struggle to remind yourself that it really wasn't about you. Many parents, far too many parents, are emotionally handicapped, and don't know how to love any better than your parents, or mine, or several others here -- some who have posted, and many I'm sure who have not.
The deficit wasn't yours, it was theirs; and it's important to know that you can learn to do better, for yourself and for everyone around you. For me to find peace, I had to understand with my heart (not just my head) that at one time my parents were just little children too; and they didn't get the love they needed or deserved either. Having compassion for them, and for others, helped me find the compassion I deserved and needed for myself.

And I've also learned that even tho I didn't get it from them, the things I need to feel whole and human and worthy are all around me, and inside me. I can't ever get that from my parents-- when they were alive they were incapable. But I can give it to myself, I can find it in my faith, I receive it all the time from my friends, and most amazing of all, I find it right here, in typed words on a screen that come straight from the hearts of real people who really care and understand.

Weinermr

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 11:36 am Click here to edit this post
Blessings to RG, and to all of you that have opened yourselves and contributed to this topic.

I was not adopted, and yet I have long felt the painful scars of my childhood and my upbringing. I won't go into detail here, except to say that my life has been profoundly affected by those things that were so painful then, but even more painful when I became an adult and realized how those events have formed the person I became. No, I wasn't beaten or abused or mistreated, I had a home, and was provided with schooling and really most of what I wanted or needed in the way of material things. The things that affected me were intangible - emotional, psychological, etc.

I admire all of you for recognizing your own issues, and your willingness to deal with them. For me, as for all of us, it is an ongoing effort to be who we are, because of, and in spite of what has happened to us in the past.

I applaud all of you, and have nothing but feelings of love and affection for each and every one of you. Happy holidays to everyone.