Advice needed regarding satan-in-law

The ClubHouse: Archives: Advice needed regarding satan-in-law

Carigsby

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 12:34 pm Click here to edit this post
Okay, to make a long story somewhat short... I despise my husband's first cousin. Her and I have had several problems (one of which she started at my wedding reception in May of this year). We do not like each other but remain civil for family's sake. The problem further lies in that we run in the same circle of friends and us fighting would cause problems among our mutual friends who have been great about not choosing sides.

Okay, I am throwing a surprise birthday party for said hubby in two weeks. Nothing fancy, just a surprise get together with his friends for his 30th. My husband and I live about 45 minutes away from ALL of our friends except for one couple, so I am afraid that if I have it at our house not as many people would come. We were going to have it at his mother's house but as plans have moved along, it is becoming much larger than originally planned. While mum-in-law has said that she doesn't care at all, I feel like we may be imposing.

Now to the problem. Mom-in-law called yesterday to tell me that satan-in-law has offered to have the party at her house (which is perfect for parties and where most of our get togethers are held anyway). My pride won't let me say yes. I've been worrying about the fact that it would be right up her alley to tell my hubby about the party anyway (she loves to foil my plans). But to let her take partial credit in MY party for MY husband makes me sick to my stomach.

I know I just need to go for having the party at her house, but my childish attitude for her is standing in my way and I need to make a decision fast. Any advice?

Kep421

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 12:43 pm Click here to edit this post
Oh Carigsby, this is a toughie....

Does it really have to be a surprise party??? By letting your husband in on it first, then letting his cousin host the party, will still give you your credit whilst giving the cleanup to her!!!

Is your hubby close to this cousin? That could make a difference, because it is after all HIS party...

Sorry, I'm not much help.

Phrf

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 12:44 pm Click here to edit this post
Carigsby-
If you do it at the satan-in-laws house you have to do it graciously. In other words kill her with kindness. It usually works. People who are mean can't stand it when other people are Very nice so just use your niceness to your advantage and to her disadvantage.

Pcakes2

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 12:45 pm Click here to edit this post
Just do it. If need be, explain to hubby that it was all your idea, and that to really keep it a surprise you had it there...he'll believe you! Besides, you won't have to clean up the mess.

Kep421

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 12:48 pm Click here to edit this post
oooohhh, I like Phrf's idea best.....just keep smiling like you know something she doesn't....

Grooch

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 12:53 pm Click here to edit this post
Get some xanex.

On the day of the party, take some and slip her some.

And if that doesn't work, and she acts up, then give her a dirtnap.

Carigsby

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 01:03 pm Click here to edit this post
I keep telling myself that this party is for him and that it would be best to have it at her house so that all of our friends could be there. And, only my 2 closest friends know how much I truly dislike her and my husband would know without my having to tell him that she didn't go to the trouble of planning a party.

I know it sounds so petty and I have tried to take the high road and be nothing but pleasant to her hoping that she would eventually show her true colors all on her own but the past few months I have just completely ignored her whenever she is around. It is one of those deals where everyone knows how she is and just accepts it without question. Me being somewhat new to the group (I've only been around for 4 years when the rest of them grew up together) makes it even harder considering she has tried everything to make me look bad. Everytime she wants to throw a little fit on me she does it under the guise of "I drank too much and didn't know what I was saying" or "I only meant it as a joke and she took it seriously" and then she starts crying. The latter happened at my wedding after my mother called her out after she called me a snob.

When I told her about the party she just looked at me and said "well, good luck keeping it a surprise." I could have slapped her. I have actually already prepared myself for her letting it slip at our New Years party under the "drank too much" excuse.

Sorry for the rant - the thought of her makes my blood boil.

Oregonfire

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 01:05 pm Click here to edit this post
I'd say grin and bear it this year, but learn from the experience. Next time, plan the party at a restaurant or some other "neutral" zone where you don't have to pick up so many of those icky devil vibes. Also, make the necessary arrangements on your own before consulting with in-laws, even the ones you like. And if possible, don't ever let a rival have the home court advantage!

Grooch

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 01:18 pm Click here to edit this post
Carigsby, from your posts on the boards I find you to be a very rational, sane person. If you are feeling so strongly about this, if I were you I would try to make some other kind of arrangement.

Can you rent a hall somewhere? What about one of his friend's house? Or maybe scale the plans back to keep it at the MIL's house or have it at your house and plan on less people coming.

Someone once told me, you don't have to do something you don't want to do. And you really do not seem to want to do this. You will end up being miserable and then what is the point of throwing the party?

Just my 2 cents. I hope you don't mind. But I think I'm hitting the age that where I don't have the patience or the tolerance to put up with these type of people any more.

Anyway, I hope it does work out for you. :)

Mssilhouette

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 01:30 pm Click here to edit this post
I agree with Grooch. It seems that this person loves being the negative center of attention and enjoys making other people misrable but keeping herself innocent.

I think for your own enjoyment and well being and your friends' you might try to scale it back some and have it at your mother in law's place. That would make it an enjoyable experience for you and your husband.

Or have a two part party one at your mother-in- law's and the other at a resturant someplace later on in the evening when the other people who didn't get to come into the house can join. Invite the cousin to your mom-in-law's and exclude her from the second tier of the party. That way it will be a dual surprise and you don't have to put up with the cousin.

After all your husband won't have a good time at his party if he knows your miserable. As grooch wrote, why do something you REALLY do not want to do.

Lancecrossfire

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 01:44 pm Click here to edit this post
Both approaches have their up front advantages/disadvantages. I think having it at her place will provide for more of the "potential"/nonupfront disadvantages to take place.

Grooch's idea is safer over all. If you are concerned about any of the potential problems with her ruining the party, or you feel that you couldn't enjoy it, then at least check to see if there is someplace "neutral" to have it.

Carigsby

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 02:00 pm Click here to edit this post
Thank you all so much for the advice. The problem with living in such a small town is that there are usually few options. However, after reading through your ideas, I remembered that there is a banquet hall in town that I could probably use. I've got a call in to the manager there to see if it is available.

Incidently, I've been e-mailing with my best friend today and she has mixed feelings about having the party at her house as well (afraid she would - once again - try to start something). Of course, my friend is tired of me turning the other cheek where this girl is invovled so I think deep down she wishes there would be another confrontation because she knows I'm at my threshold with her and she would like to see her taken down a notch! :)

And I know that this probably sounds very paranoid-ish, but I really feel that she offered to have the party at her house on purpose so that she could make me feel uncomfortable. Geez...I know how ridiculous it sounds but something like that is right up her alley (most of the things she has said/done to me have been behind the scenes so that if I reacted, it would make me look bad because her and I are the only ones who know).

Well, after talking this through with you guys and your great advice, I'm going to look for a neutral site. I just don't trust her.

And Grooch - thanks for the kind words. I like to think that I am a rational person and I have given this girl so many second chances and forgiven her so many times, and after my wedding I decided to put my foot down. I hate feeling this way about someone because I generally don't like to have conflict in my life, but I just can't forgive her anymore.

Weinermr

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 02:10 pm Click here to edit this post
Carigsby - If you're concerned to this degree then you KNOW there will be an incident if you let her take the upper hand. Having the event at a neutral site with access to all the people you want to attend is a great idea. And BTW, I agree with Grooch - from the Carigsby I have come to know here at TVCH, your instincts about your husbands cousin are right on, and you know better than anybody else how to handle this situation.

Speaking from a husband's point of view, keep trying to preserve the surprise. Your husband will love it! Good luck!

Max

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 02:18 pm Click here to edit this post
Rent the hall. Tell her you know it would work to have it at her house, but you really don't want to put her to that much trouble. This way, no one has to worry about cleaning up for guests.

This sounds like a person who will probably ALWAYS try to make herself feel bigger by making others feel smaller. The only way to 'win' in those situations is to grin and rise above it.
Eventually, everyone understands what is happening and will avoid her or just ignore her. Be yourself and have confidence that you are enough, you are a good person, and people will see that and understand.

My mom is a classic for this kind of stuff. She even had the nerve to say her old-age aches and pains were more important and difficult than my sister's battle with breast cancer. She just can't stand not to be the center of attention.

All you can do is recognize that she's that way and not let her have power over your life. Sounds like everyone else is onto her games, too. As you said, your husband will know it was you who planned everything, no matter what she does to disrupt it.

If she ruins the surprise, it will still be a great party. Maybe keep some portion of the festivities a secret even from her, if possible. That way, if she tells part of it, there will still be some element of surprise left. Be ready to have a good time and know that your husband will appreciate your efforts no matter what happens! :)

As I told my mother when she said she was ruining Christmas for everyone this year (in her best, whiney, "feel sorry for me" voice), she just doesn't have the power to do that kind of damage.

Let us know how it works out! :)

Rabbit

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 03:22 pm Click here to edit this post
As this is your husband's cousin the fault of your stress is his. Of course if she was your cousin it would still be his fault for having a birthday. Regardless of where you have the party your husband must pay dearly for his insensitivity. Since the party is a surprise he will have to suffer not knowing what he did wrong but this is just good practice for him.

Being a newlywed you might feel umcomfortable torturing the unfortunate dolt for your feelings toward his cousin but I'm sure Wink or Fruitplant can walk you through the process. Should his puppy dog look of bewilderment at being in the doghouse get to you, send him to Merlin or Weinermr at the TVCH Men's Club. They'll probably just tell him to have a beer and buck up newbie.

Rogue

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 03:22 pm Click here to edit this post
I say rent the hall, then while she's at YOUR party, give me her address and I'll call in a strafing run from the USAF to take care of her house. The fireworks will be lit when she gets home.

Let me know, I have to get the info to them in advance so they can plan their run.

Phrf

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 04:03 pm Click here to edit this post
Rogue- Great Idea!!!!

Car54

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 04:26 pm Click here to edit this post
who's Fruitplant?

Grooch

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 04:32 pm Click here to edit this post
So Spanky, er, I mean Rabbit, when does the He-Man Women Hater's Club meet again?

Weinermr

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 04:37 pm Click here to edit this post
Guilt by association. Just what I need...

Phrf

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 04:42 pm Click here to edit this post
Cool-
Someone else (grooch) likes Calvin and Hobbs!!!

Juju2bigdog

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 04:49 pm Click here to edit this post
<throws a lasso around Rabbit and drags him safely out of here>

sure, it's realistic advice, little buddy, but she's got years to hone those skills.

Oregonfire

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 05:02 pm Click here to edit this post
Ahh...marriage! There are rare moments in this spinster's life when I feel truly grateful that no one ever wanted to marry me.

Urgrace

Friday, December 28, 2001 - 09:28 pm Click here to edit this post
Well, I got to this *party* too late. It looks like all the arrangements are being made, and the He-Man Women Haters Club along with the USAF is supplying the entertainment! How'd you get all these guys to your party? Yeah, what Grooch said... I'll cosign that! (Also, a hall is neutral territory very necessary to establish your front lines in a war zone.) Sure do hope it turns out to be a great party!

Whoami

Friday, December 28, 2001 - 09:45 pm Click here to edit this post
Hey Rogue, I have an ex brother-in-law who could use a strafing run of his house (with him and his new wife in it). Actually, can they hit his car instead? The house could go to my sis!

Donut

Saturday, December 29, 2001 - 12:17 am Click here to edit this post
crap, i wrote a long message and it disappeared when i scrolled up,so i will try again...
anyways, i am glad you are renting a hall, cuz i thought from the first second i got on this thread that you should have this party someplace fun and neutral for you and your husband.I think you knew in your heart that this is yours and his joy and fun and that you have every right and obligation to have it somewhere where it is under your control and not anyone elses, particularly not anyone who has caused you heartache. I think you probably are a kind and sensitive person and just needed us to assure you that there should be no guilt involved in planning this in a way that is comfortable and most enjoyable for you and the hub.If you dont get the hall to come thru, i am sure that we can come up with plenty more alternatives. my wheels are ready to spin with ideas as needed..have fun!

Resortgirl

Saturday, December 29, 2001 - 05:53 am Click here to edit this post
We had a 50th suprise party at the local American Legion... we live a small town too, so maybe your town has one. Or an Eagles or VFW... for a small fee we got a huge back room and they provided us with a bartender and waitress. Some friends and I decorated in the afternoon and I had a friend cater it. It turned out wonderfully. We got my husband there by telling we were going to a boyscout chicken feed (we don't have a boyscout but he didn't seem at all curious about that) The only thing that made him wonder is that I was dressed up pretty fancy and made him dress up a bit too. Good Luck on your plans and maybe you could tell your cousin in law that it;s at the VfW club when it's really at the American Legion and when she confronts you say " darn,I always get those two places mixed up, Sorry!"

Juju2bigdog

Saturday, December 29, 2001 - 08:42 am Click here to edit this post
Hahahahha, RG, you are devious. Good! ...but devious.

Meme9

Saturday, December 29, 2001 - 09:50 am Click here to edit this post
Hey RG, the perfect answer to the problem!!!
hehehe
Now I know who to go to for a devious answer.
I loved it.

Carigsby

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 06:06 am Click here to edit this post
Well - I was able to rent our local Amvets building (thank god!!!). I'm so excited about it.

And, fortunately, she didn't spoil anything at New Years and she's actually been very helpful with the party. Isn't that how it always works out? Just when you voice how much you dislike a person they do something nice. Oh well, I'd rather play nice than dirty! (but I'll never forget... tee hee)

Thank you all for your great advice! You're the best!

Grooch

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 09:27 am Click here to edit this post
Carigsby, glad to hear it's working out. :)

Maybe the spirit of the season got to your SIL. Anyway, I hope you guys have a great time.