Are You Adopted ( or otherwise unattached) ?

The ClubHouse: Archives: Are You Adopted ( or otherwise unattached) ?
 SubtopicMsgs  Last Updated
Archive through December 25, 2001 25   12/25 11:36am

Lancecrossfire

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 07:20 pm Click here to edit this post
I too am adapted. But I was adapted by only one person. When my mom remarried, he also adopted my sister and me. She is 10 years senior to me. I didn’t fine much about this out till I was an adult. It seems that my genetic father was a fairly mean individual. He liked to rule by physical force with the 3 of us. It also seems that when I was 2 (my sister 12), he raped my sister. My mom got rid of him, although to this day I really don’t know what all she did, and probably never will. She won’t speak of it or him.

It was my sister who told me, and showed me the only physical evidence of his name—an old 45 record with my sister’s name on it—including the old last name. My mom was some how able to remove every other thing from existence in our lives that had anything to do with him or his name. Even the copies of the birth information I’ve had to get over the years shows my dad’s name as my father (dad being the guy that raised me as his son)

I consider him my father—for me it isn’t about genetics. It’s about the concept of what a father is that allows me to call him my dad. I was very fortunate to have someone who cared and loved me.

Max

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 08:40 pm Click here to edit this post
I'm adopted, too. My childhood was a mixture of good and bad -- the good being my dad and the bad being my mom. Let's just say that the way she parented would, in today's world, result in the kids being taken out of the home. I had lots and lots of bloody noses thanks to her backhands. Most of the time, I had no idea why I was being hit. We didn't invite friends over because we never knew what she would say or do.

I wasted a lot of time trying to make her happy. That also transferred into trying to make other people happy, too. After 7 years of marriage to a man who was almost as volatile as my mom (but not physically abusive, just verbal which I consider to be worse), I finally realized that I needed to concentrate on ME a bit more and stop trying to be responsible for everyone else's feelings.

My mom is now living in assisted living near me. My dad died in '94 and my brother and sister both live in other states. I manage mom's finances and check in on her. I do not, however, try to make her happy. She will never be happy. She wallows in misery now more than ever. (In my experience, growing older magnifies the kind of person you've always been, which means she's more self-centered, mean, and manipulative than ever.)

She refused to go Christmas shopping. She said she hates Christmas and wanted nothing to do with it. She said to just "try to have fun" and forget about her. She said she was ruining everyone's Christmas. I told her I ALWAYS have fun (which I do), that I don't forget about her, and that she doesn't have the power to ruin anyone's Christmas except her own. I took some gifts to her yesterday and told her I'd talk to her in a few days. End of Christmas visit.

My dad was the salt of the earth, the most loving and patient man I've ever met and he's gone. Doesn't seem fair, does it? I think mom's got enough vinegar in her veins to preserve her for a long time!

I found my birth mother's side of the family when I was 22. She had died of lung cancer, the result of years of chain smoking. I discovered several things about my gene pool, but I didn't stay in touch with them. There really was no connection and I felt no need to pursue one. I just wanted information and I got it. The main thing I learned is that, despite the crap I lived through in my childhood, I was blessed to be out of the situation I was born into.

I never felt abandoned because I was adopted. My sister went through those feelings, but I didn't. I was curious, but I always felt that it must have been extremely difficult for my birth mother to give me away and that it was lucky for me to have landed where I did, despite the difficulties. Now that I know what really happened, I wonder if she did have a difficult time with it. It's a very long story that I won't bore you with, but basically, she left me with strangers and never spoke of me again.

Anyway, I think most people can point to something in their past that is painful. The challenge is to rise above the pain, to realize that each of us is important and perfect in our own ways and to make choices that allow us to grow and share our gifts with others. I wish I had known that at 26 instead of waiting to learn it when I'm almost 46, but what the heck. Better late than never, right? :)

Solidsnake

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 - 08:51 pm Click here to edit this post
I was adopted for almost 3 years but eventually by the grace of God found my real parents.

Its really hard not knowing who your real father and mother are but if you keep searching you will find them or they will find you because more than likely they are searching for you also.

good luck. peace.

Resortgirl

Wednesday, December 26, 2001 - 05:55 am Click here to edit this post
Wow Lance and Max! Heartbreaking stories! But also touching.
((((weinermr)))))!!!
It's unbelievable how much our childhoods impact everything else in our life. I am sure part of the reason I am so "needy" in life is because I want people to love me and pay attention to me. I'm sure it gets pretty annoying to those around me but thankfully I have patient husband and the friends on TVCH have shown a lot patience too. But I was lacking that in my young years so I guess I crave it now.


And Karuuna, Thank you for your words of wisdom. When I think about my parents as children (especially my biological mom) I want to cry for them...I know they didn't have the best childhoods either. I hope that I can be the one to break the cycle and raise happy, healthy (physically and mentally) adults. That will make me feel much better about things.

Pcakes2

Wednesday, December 26, 2001 - 07:45 am Click here to edit this post
My heart goes out to all of you.

I am not adopted, and was raised by loving and supportive parents. I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood, and met my first friend with divorced parents when I was in the 6th grade.
(some sheltered life huh?)

I could not possibly understand what you have all been through, or the emotions that you all feel. I wish I could hug you all, and make all the bad go away.

The one thing I can offer is to be a friend to all of you.

Just remember...with each new day, there is a chance for a new beginning.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Bookworm

Wednesday, December 26, 2001 - 03:03 pm Click here to edit this post
I feel much like pcakes2. I am handing out hugs today to all who need them.
{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}

Phrf

Wednesday, December 26, 2001 - 05:13 pm Click here to edit this post
My friends-

(((((HUGS)))) to you all.

and to my sister..RG ........we can have Christmas dinner whenever you want to!!!

doesn't have to be in December.

Magikearth

Wednesday, December 26, 2001 - 08:47 pm Click here to edit this post
I have been reading this thread and would like to say that there are so many gifted,loving souls here and I have learned so much from all of you..it is very inspiring. It seems that everyone's pain has manifested itself into a real compassion for one another, and that is very powerful!
Peace,Love and lots of Hugs!

Jewels

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 12:43 pm Click here to edit this post
Great thread and (((BIG HUGS))) to you all!

I, too, am adopted and have a sister that was adopted also. People use to ask my mom how she ended up with a brown hair, brown eyed daughter (me) and a blonde hair, blue eyed daughter (my sister), she would tell them she was just lucky. I don't remember the day I found out I was adopted, I just always remember knowing and it really meant nothing to me. My parents were very loving towards both of my sister and I, but I never had that wonderful mother/daughter relationship that some of my friends had. We always have gotten along, but not on a deep emotional level. My family never said "I love you", although I know they do. I vowed when I had my son that I will tell him I love him every day, and I do, about 20 times a day! I had a very happy childhood, I don't want this to sound like I didn't, but there was a link missing.

I never had any desire to find my birth parents. My parents never talked about it at all. I remember when I was about 10 overhearing my mom telling a friend that she wouldn't want my sister nor I to find our birth parents. I think that always stuck with me, so I felt it wasn't an option. Although, in the past few years she has said that she wouldn't have a problem with it, I always felt like it would hurt her. I did find some papers when I was younger (I never told my mom or dad) that had some information about my birth parents on it. It was just height/weight and age info mainly. But it also has the phone number for the case worker at the foster home I was at for 3 months, I called it once and found out it was still the same place, but hung up when someone answered. When I decided to start a family I briefly considered trying to find out medical history, but decided that there wasn't much I could find out that would change my mind about starting a family. I don't think I will ever pursue it.

I think the main thing that has bothered me about being adopted is my relationship with my sister. We definitely did not come from the same womb...sometimes I don't think we are from the same planet. She is mentally unstable and has a host of relationship/mental problems. I always wanted to have a sisterly relationship with her, but have realized in the past few years, it is just not going to happen. We are two totally different people. I think her problems are hereditary/genetic, whatever you want to call it, and wish that she would find out her biological history (as do my parents) so she could maybe be helped by it.

So, there is my story. I had a very normal childhood, but do feel sometimes feel there is a piece missing to the puzzle. I can't really say that is because I am adopted though, there are people out there who aren't that feel the same way.

Resortgirl

Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 01:31 pm Click here to edit this post
((((jewels))))
I DID have a burning desire to find my biological family, partly because I felt unloved but also because I am a VERY curious person and just needed to know the whole story. I started looking at 18 (I was a 5 month pregnant teenager at the time) and was told by Catholic Charities that there was a $800 fee. Well, at the time it might as well have been 8 Million. I put the search aside, went on with my life, got married, had another child, got divorced, got married to a wonderful man who encouraged me to look again no matter what the cost. I started my search at 33 years old. I was on a waiting list for about 6 months, during which time a "counseler" filled me in on the possible scenarios. My adoptive parents were told (and they told me) that I came from "Bohemian/German parents... just like them...the counseler informed me that potential parents were usually told the infant was of the same religion, heritage as they were so that they would bond easier. She warned me that when I found my bio family that this may not be the case at all... that really pissed me off. I had so little info and what I DID have may have been a lie.
They did find my Mom quickly when my name came to the top of the waiting list. I was Ecstatic! We wrote letters to each other for a couple of months and then met in person. I had such fantasies about finding my real Mom. She would love me and cherish me like no other. Well, it was wonderful for a time. I found out a lot about her life growing up, met grandparents, uncles, cousins... I was enveloped with love. Or so it seemed. After the novelty of finding the missing baby wore off, it was back to life as they knew it before.

We bought our resort and carpet store and moved up north about a year later. She would visit on weekends from time to time and all was well. About a year later she decided to quit her job and move up here to be closer to us. That's when it all went down hill. I guess she was able to hide some of her more serious problems when we only saw her breifly, but now she lived here. She also couldn't find a job so we gave her one (NEVER do that). It turned out that she has a very serious drinking problem, called in sick all the time but then begged for money to pay her bills. In the last 4 years we have purchased 2 cars for her, picked her up from jail after a DWI, had to drive her to and from work and errands while she had no licsense, have had numerous late night phone calls when she would threaten to kill herself and it just goes on.

I don't regret finding her. It isn't what I expected, but it is the way it is I guess.
It does scare me that I'll turn out to be like her. I have a lot of the same insecurities that she does and I have found that depression and mental illness run strongly on that side of the family. If it were not for the love and support of my husband I COULD be her. She was married twice and divorced, never had anymore children so I am now really the only family she has. Her parents have died. Her siblings won't talk to her... it's really kind of a mess. I don't mean this to scare anyone else from looking. Just be careful, take it slow, know what you are getting into. That's my message I guess.

Peace!

Teddybear

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 03:04 pm Click here to edit this post
I have been reading this thread and I just want to give hugs out to everyone here! Everyone's stories have really touched me. I gave my son up for adoption at the age of 17, he is now nine. I chose an open adoption and I get pictures of him a few times a year. The adoptive family is white and my son is mixed with black, so it has been known that he is adopted. I dont know how much into detail things hve been talked about with him, but I do know they showed him a picture of me and told him who I am. I have always been scared that when he grows up and gets to the age where he decides if he wants to meet me or not, that he might not want to. That he might feel abandoned by me and not understand why I did what I did. I know he is in a better place because I am just now going back to school living in a one bedroom living paycheck to paycheck. The family that has him is well off, they have a pool, go on trips to Disneyland, and he also had a sister (also adopted) to play with. I just hope he understands that. I know my story is the opposite, but I still wanted to post it for adopees to read. It's from a different view.

Twiggyish

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 03:13 pm Click here to edit this post
I was adopted by my dad at age 12. I did look up my biological human and was glad to have not known him. *sigh* Thank God, my dad (who I think of as my REAL dad) was a great was a great guy!

Car54

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 03:17 pm Click here to edit this post
Teddybear- what a wonderful story. It sounds like you did a wonderful thing for your son, and that you were able to handle the adoption in the best possible way- so that you know he is well taken care of and loved, and that he can get answers about you if and when he wants them.

I have a very good friend who has a daughter in an open adoption, the girl knows her birthmom, and they have an ongoing relationship.

My friend is an exceptional person who really sees the raising of the child as a partnership- she and her husband view the birth mother as a friend, and keep her informed about the child and they have occasional contact- so the girl knows about her mother as she grows up.

Thank you for posting your story.

Twiggyish

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 08:30 pm Click here to edit this post
I also felt the need to find my biological father. It wasn't an easy search for me. I know some people have happy reunions with birth parents, but mine was uncomfortable. He still had excuses and lies for a lifetime of running from responsibility. I did find a half sister and that was a reward, at the time. But, she sees our "father" as someone who has always had hard luck. She refuses to think of him in any other terms. John (bio person), was out of her life, too. She was raised by her grandparents. Bio father was only briefly in my life, before he sank into the oblivion of self pity and denial once again. In other words, it has been a long time since I've heard from him.

My Dad (adopted father) died in 1998. His sons (my brothers) and I miss him very much.

Biological connection doesn't make a parent. A real parent is the person who is there for the child.

Max

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 09:54 pm Click here to edit this post
"Biological connection doesn't make a parent. A real parent is the person who is there for the child."

Amen to that, Twiggy!

It goes well with another of my favorite sayings:

Friends are the family we make along the way. :)

Twiggyish

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 10:04 pm Click here to edit this post
I totally agree! ((Max))

Wargod

Friday, January 04, 2002 - 10:08 pm Click here to edit this post
I am in total agreement, Twiggy!

My biological father disappeared when I was 5. But, I was lucky enough to have a step father who raised my sister and I as if we were his own. He is the only father I remember, and while he might not have been the best, he did what he could. He was the one to take care of us when we were sick, to help us with homework, to encourage and support us. I never missed not having my biological father around because I had a father to take care of me. He was Grandpa to my children, he was my father. I miss him.

Car54

Saturday, January 05, 2002 - 12:09 am Click here to edit this post
Your parent is the person who loves you and raises you. Sounds like these adopted dads were great men, and you were lucky to have had each other.