Daily "humorscope"
The ClubHouse: Archive: Daily "humorscope"
Nancy | Wednesday, August 15, 2001 - 09:47 am   by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, August 15, 2001 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory. Libra (September 22 - October 22) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Hide. |
Nancy | Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 06:24 am   by Ron E. Lunde Thursday, August 16, 2001 "A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things." -- Herman Melville -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." |
Nancy | Tuesday, August 21, 2001 - 04:21 pm   by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, August 21, 2001 Specialist in women and other diseases. In the office of a Roman doctor -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue{Aries (March 21 - April 19) } Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) E-coli. It's what's for dinner! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Leo (July 23 - August 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. {Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window. Libra (September 22 - October 22) } You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look. |
Nancy | Wednesday, August 22, 2001 - 05:58 am   by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, August 22, 2001 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. |
Nancy | Friday, August 24, 2001 - 07:05 am   by Ron E. Lunde Friday, August 24, 2001 "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -- Voltaire (1694-1778) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.) |
Nancy | Monday, August 27, 2001 - 10:26 am   by Ron E. Lunde Monday, August 27, 2001 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!" Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive". You have a mind of great depth and profundity. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. |
Nancy | Wednesday, August 29, 2001 - 07:37 am   LOL someone stop me im going tobe singing neil diamond songs all day ;) by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, August 29, 2001 "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Leo (July 23 - August 22) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. |
Nancy | Tuesday, September 04, 2001 - 09:59 am   by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, September 04, 2001 For coats made for ladies from their own skin. In the window of a Sweddish furrier -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. |
Nancy | Tuesday, September 18, 2001 - 07:21 am   by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, September 18, 2001 "We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels". Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. |
Nancy | Tuesday, October 02, 2001 - 04:27 am   Tuesday, October 02, 2001 "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." -- Anon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce". You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to mumble. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started |
Nancy | Tuesday, October 23, 2001 - 01:49 pm   by Ron E. Lunde Monday, October 22, 2001 "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -- Voltaire (1694-1778) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. |
Nancy | Thursday, October 25, 2001 - 05:25 am   Aries (March 21 - April 19) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a causative link between politics and food. While the liberalizing action of granola has long been commented upon, and the patriotism-enhancing qualities of apple pie are well established by now, you will go further. In fact, you will discover several other links. Fiscal Conservatism? Tuna Hot Dish. Reactionary Bible-thumping? Grits. Idealism? Pizza with artichokes. You'll even (eventually) uncover the link between saturated fat and Rush Limbaugh! Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra". Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A lot of people still do "spring cleaning", but only a few families have preserved the tradition of "fall dirtying". Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you'll get to have some fun. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case "The big print giveth and the small print taketh away." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. |
Misslibra | Thursday, October 25, 2001 - 06:55 am   Nancy, this is my first time in this thread, and I like it. And I find these humorscopes quite funny!! With everything going on in the world today humor is what we need... thank you! I Will be checking in each day to see what they say. |
Nancy | Friday, October 26, 2001 - 04:58 am   by Ron E. Lunde Friday October 26,2001 Aries (March 21 - April 19) Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. |
Nancy | Monday, October 29, 2001 - 04:32 am   by Ron E. Lunde Monday October 29,2001 Aries (March 21 - April 19) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Angst day, today. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. |
Nancy | Tuesday, October 30, 2001 - 04:22 am   Aries (March 21 - April 19) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It's a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren't enough people with Tourette Syndrome available for hire. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...) Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you'll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop "rescuing" babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.) |
Nancy | Friday, November 02, 2001 - 07:35 pm   Friday, November 02, 2001 "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight". Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Deny everything. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. |
Nancy | Tuesday, November 20, 2001 - 11:09 am   Aries (March 21 - April 19) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? |
Nancy | Monday, November 26, 2001 - 11:37 am   by Ron E. Lunde Monday, November 26, 2001 Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Tokyo bar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. Libra (September 22 - October 22) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day for a nice nap. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids." |
Nancy | Monday, December 03, 2001 - 11:13 am   Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. |
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