Archive through November 18, 2001
The ClubHouse: Archive: Lets talk:
Archive through November 18, 2001
Zeyna | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 07:17 pm   I've noticed that there aren't many discussions here at all, so why not create one. Anything you want to share, question, whatever...personal, political, cultural, work realated or otherwise? |
Kep421 | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 07:38 pm   Yes, Zeyna, thanks for asking. My mother in law is over 95 (that is the only age she will admit too) and is in a hospital getting ready to die. I know this with all my heart and there is nothing I can do but let go. I have spent the last two days in her hospital room and am not able to come home and sleep. I have loved this woman for over 30 years and my heart is just breaking. The last time I saw her (about 3 weeks ago) she had asked me to come over to visit. During our visit (my husband went too), she kept telling us not to worry about her. I didn't know then what she really meant. She kept saying she was tired, but I still didn't get it. Today I finally understood. My husband is her baby of 13 children. We lived with her as a young married couple and did not leave her house for 13 years. I had always thought that when the time came, my husband would be a basket case and I would have to be strong for him. But he understood what she was saying three weeks ago and has made his peace. Now I'm the one who is falling apart and he is the strong one. I didn't find my own mother until after I was married for quite some time and had been raised as a child of the state. My mother in law has been my Mama for the past 30 years and I couldn't love her more. She has recognized me twice in the past two days and each time her eyes have smiled with reassurance. I know she doesn't want me to be unhappy, but I can't help it. I've never felt this kind of loss before and I'm not sure I am going to handle it very well. I know I'm not handling it well now... I'm sorry to bring you down, but you did ask if I wanted to share and I really needed to right now. Thanks for listening. |
Moondance | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 07:51 pm   (((kep))) |
Twiggyish | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 07:55 pm   It is hard to say good-bye. There is a helpless feeling when you know there is nothing you can do to help. I send my thoughts and I hope you don't mind, my prayers to you and your family. |
Kep421 | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 08:15 pm   Thanks Moonie and Twiggy, all hugs and prayers welcomed. I've been surfing the net all evening because when I stop thinking, I start crying. I know I should just do it, cry it all out, grieve to the max, but I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. If anyone else has made it through the loss of a loved one, I sure would appreciate any tips or suggestions... I think I'm going to spend tomorrow with my grandchildren. I could use some unconditional love right now. |
Twiggyish | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 08:27 pm   Kep, I can only speak from my own experience. You are doing the right thing by being with family. If you push them away, you lose your support system. So, my advice is exactly what you know already. You need those hugs from the grandkids!! |
Babyruth | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 08:31 pm   ((((Kep)))) I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your Mama. You said it yourself, there is nothing you can do but let her go. I have felt such sadness and it is huge. May it bring some comfort to you knowing that she is at peace and not suffering emotionally as she says her goodbyes and tells you not to worry about her. Your memories of her will always be with you and so will she, in all the wonderful things you have become because of her presence in your life. Peace be with you, sweet Kep. |
Moondance | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 08:32 pm   Exactly what Twiggs said ... just remember Grief has no schedule ... there are no rules ... just do what you need to do and know you are in our hearts and prayers |
Llkoolaid | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 08:41 pm   {{{{{{Kept421}}}}}} I was very close to my grandmother and was holding her hand when she passed away. The thing that helped me was that I knew she was content, and ready to go. She knew that she was loved and she had lived a long and full life. Your mother-in-law sounds like a very loving person who has given a lot to you and your family. You will always have the wonderful memories that you have shared with her and as you look at your husband, your children and your grandchildren you know that she will always be with you, they are all a part of her. I know that her passing will be hard for you but try to remember what she would want for you. I am not very good with words but I hope this helps. Crying is sometimes the best thing, so if you feel like it why don't you just let it all out.I'll be thinking of you. |
Max | Friday, November 16, 2001 - 08:43 pm   (((Kep))) I lost my dad in '93. He was the best person I've ever known and he was gone at age 80. We didn't know how much pain he'd been in until the last few weeks of his life because he never complained. He'd had prostate cancer surgery 10 years before and, unknown to us, it had returned and gone into his bones. I was lucky enough to be able to be with him in the last two weeks of his life. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity. My mother didn't make it easy. To her, his dying was a terrible imposition on her time. He even told me, "Your mother is one helluva rough nurse." She's just not the nicest person in the world. Anyway, it was terribly hard and I'm still not really over it. Every once in a while, I break into tears when I walk past his picture or remember something we used to do together. He was ready to go. I just wasn't ready to lose him. All I can offer is that you WILL make it through. Your Mama will be out of pain and free from his plane of existence. Her love and your love for her will never die. That's what sustains us all. As we say in my church, "We grieve, but not as those who have no hope." All the best to you and yours, Kep.  |
Soeur | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 03:08 am   My sympathies and compassion (((Kep))). You are in a very special place and I can't help feeling how lucky you are to be able to pour out your love to your Mom and share that with all who love her. While she is still here you can continue to let her know how precious she is and how deeply you love her. That is such a tremendous opportunity and is bound to make things so much easier once she has passed on. How lucky you are to have had someone so special in your life for so long and what a wonderfully long life she has lived. There is much to celebrate in that. What an honour it would be to be loved so much. How inspiring. Thank you so much. All the best. |
Car54 | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 03:33 am   Kep, I am so sad for you. I went through this 8 years ago with my mom, and it is a very difficult time. My mom was very ill for several years, and the only thing that helped me was that I tried to handle things the way I knew SHE wanted them done. She was pretty much unconcious for a couple of weeks at the end, and all I could do for her was try to care for her the way she took care of me. It sounds like your mother in law had a wonderful long life, and that she loved her family. I will think of you in the coming days. Take care. |
Willi | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 06:28 am   Kep, You are in my thoughts & prayers. I spent this past summer caring for my grandmother who was dying. She raised my sister & I in all the important ways, so it was like losing a mother. It was unbearably sad. I surrounded myself with family after her passing. I remember crying so much that I thought surely I would never stop. All of the memories hurt. Now, months later, those same memories that caused so much pain at first actually help me now. I draw strength from them & the kind of life she led for so long. You & your family are certainly in my prayers and you let yourself grieve and get throught it surrounded by people who care. (((Kep))) |
Weinermr | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 06:30 am   Kep, as others have said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your feelings are your own, and no one else's. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old, and I saw my father very infrequently after that. We were never very close, although I think down deep I knew he loved me, and I think he knew that I loved him. This was during my very very awkward teen and early adult years, and we just didn't see eye to eye. In fact there was a period from when I was about 20 to 22 that we barely spoke. Something in me changed and I contacted him, and we started spending more time together. In fact I was just beginning to feel the stirrings of a real, meaningful, adult relationship with my father - the closest I had ever been to him in my life - and he died - in August 1980 - I was 22 years old. I went to his funeral, I cried just a little, and I moved on. One month later, I met the woman who, in January 1981 became my wife. In February 1981 the movie The Jazz Singer came out - Neil Diamond and Laurence Olivier. One of the principal themes of that movie is the difficult relationship between father and son, their estrangement, and their eventual reconciliation. When I saw that movie, I finally lost it. I fell into deep feelings of grief, and real mourning, finally feeling the loss of my father for the first time, and really knowing for the first time in my life what it meant to lose someone and never be able to get them back. It has always been my regret that my father never met my wife. I have always wondered what it would have been like if he had not died then. What kind of relationship would have developed between us, what experiences would we have shared? Cherish the times you had with your husband's mom, feel joyful at the closeness you have felt with her, and when the time comes, mourn her loss in your own way, in your own time. It all comes from love and caring Kep, and the deeper you care for someone, the more it hurts when they are gone. The pain fades, and the beautiful memories remain. Your TVCH friends are here for you whenever you need us. Take care, and many hugs and well wishes to you ((((((((Kep421)))))))) |
Misslibra | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 06:38 am   Kep, hang in there and if you need a good cry have one. I have never loss a parent, so I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. But from the looks of the above posts, you have been given some good advice.
{{{{Kep}}}} |
Zeyna | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 08:57 am   ((((Kep)))) I'm so sad you are going through this. I unexpectedly lost someone three years ago that meant the world to me, so my only advice is to let your mama know just how much she has impacted your life and how much you love her. You're in my thoughts. |
Sandyc | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 09:51 am   I lost my little brother a while back. The pain was huge. Talk to her, now and later. Feel your grief, and it will abate. |
Kep421 | Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 05:26 pm   I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful and very kind posts. I can't really talk to much about this with my husband because he is really becoming concerned about my being so sad. He has been deliberately pushing all my happy buttons and has actually made me smile through my tears. His patience and sweetness has reminded me why I married him 30 years ago. I came here several times since yesterday to read your posts and each time I allowed myself the opportunity to grieve. Your comments have not only comforted me, but have given me the sense that what is happening to Mama is very natural and right. I can't really explain it, but for me that seems the most important. Your testimonies to your lost love ones have reminded me of what is really important and for that, I truly thank all of you... I spent the day with my daughter and her four children and tomorrow both my daughters and I will spend the entire day with Mama. I think I can get through this and I want her to know that. {{{{{{TVCH Friends}}}}}}} |
Cutiepie007 | Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 02:12 am   dear kep: i have been away from these threads for a while, so this is the first i am hearing about your mother-in-law's illness. just know that you were a wonderful son-in-law to her and i am sure she loved you like a son, just as you loved her like a mother. these relationships are rare and very precious. for a son-in-law to speak so lovingly about his mother-in-law is not something i hear every day. she must be a very special person, but you too sound like a very special person. i lost my oldest sister this year. this was a hard loss for me cause even though she was almost 17 years older than me, i never thought she would die so soon. she was 71, which may sound old to some, but in today's world it is no longer old, and my sister was so full of vitality and curiosity. one thing that i have always done is to talk about those who have gone before me like they are still here. i am not in denial. i lost my mom in 1976 and my dad in 1981 and also a few cousins and all my aunts and uncles. but i find if i talk about them - not like they are alive, but just sprinkle conversations of memories of them, that has helped me a lot. i feel like they are still with me. of course, first i had to grieve. there is no getting away from that. but after a time, i found i could talk about them with love and lots of laughter about certain habits they had or whatever. humor for me is very important. when my husband's mom died, i think i took that harder than i did my own parents. his mom was so full of life and had so much going for her, and i felt she was cut down too soon. she was 75, but if you looked at her or talked to her, you never would have guessed her age. also, she had boundless energy. we were at the hospital when she died and i cried like a baby. we stopped at a market on the way back to his mom's house as we needed some soft drinks in the house as the people who had been at the hospital were also going back to her house. i found myself crying like a baby in the market. but it was good. it's good to get this stuff out. with my sister, we were at her bedside at home when she went. my sister, husband and i were holding her hand and i was talking to her. i told her it was ok to go, that she would be whole again and would see all the family members who had gone before us. it was a tough night to say the least, but i am glad i was there and i was glad that i could see that she went peacefully. it is now 8 months since she is gone and sometimes i still can't believe she is no longer here. i would go to her place (she had moved into our condo complex in 1998) every night at 10:00 to help her get to bed, besides being there during the day and doing marketing, taking her for chemo, whatever. i did have to get 24-hour help for her. anyway, when i would come home, i would be very depressed. i would immediately go online and play slingo. in a couple of months, i had over 10 million points in slingo. lol lol i played it just to get away from my problems. again, i feel if we talk about those we have loved and lost, they are never away from us. this is my way of handling it. i realize everyone handles this stuff in the way that suits them best. kep - if you can stand to hear this - we even made jokes right after my sister died. two guys from the mortuary showed up to take the body. they looked like they were from the sopranos and i even asked them if they were. lol well, the next day i called the mortuary and they had no record of my sister. i thought maybe i had called the wrong one, since i had the names of 5. so i was calling all over. i finally said to my husband that maybe these guys really were the sopranos and laughed, but was not laughing when i thought about how i was going to have to tell my other sister that i had lost marsha. turns out their fax broke down and she wasn't in the computer. if you are not in a computer, you might as well not exist, alive or dead. then we lost her again - don't ask. i said that my sister is doing more traveling dead than i have done alive. i know this may sound sick, but again, humor is what helps me the most and it's how i survive. i can find humor in almost anything if need be. well, i just thought i would share this tidbit because i thought it was funny and i hope, kep, that you thought so too. but seriously, i feel for you and your pain and for your family. just know that time heals all wounds - yes, i know that is an old saying, but it's still true. i will keep you and your family in my thoughts. |
Egbok | Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 12:00 pm   Kep, you've received so many wonderful words of advice and I can relate to all of them. Tell your mama how much you love her and give her thanks for all the love and comforts she has provided for you through the years. She already knows this stuff but it will make peace in your own heart and mind. I will keep you in my prayers. Yesterday, I was informed that my close cousin died of a brain aneurysm. She was only 48y/o. I didn't get to say good-bye and that hurts alot. Last night I told her what she has meant to me throughout my childhood, teen years and adulthood and I sense that she heard me. I will be driving up to San Francisco for her funeral as soon as I receive the details. |
Willi | Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 12:07 pm   (((Egbok))) Take good care & have a safe journey. |
Moondance | Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 12:22 pm   {{{MsBok}}}
Please have a safe trip |
Kep421 | Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 01:03 pm   Oh Egbok, I'm so sorry for your loss... From my heart to yours {{{{Egbok}}}} |
Tksoard | Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 01:05 pm   {{{{{Egbok}}}}}   |
Wink | Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 01:48 pm   Egbok I lost my best friend 3 years ago to a brain aneurysm. She was 51. The shock of such a sudden and unexpected event is overwhelming. I am so sorry for your loss. I hold fast to the thought that my friend will be forever young and did not suffer. Kep the fact that you are having a chance to say goodbye and see a loved one make that final transition is truly a blessing for you. It sounds like she gave you a beautiful gift in her son. "Sorrow does not last forever, love does" |
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