Archive through December 28, 2001
The ClubHouse: Archive: Am I justified or just a b**ch?:
Archive through December 28, 2001
Abbynormal | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 03:13 pm   Ok, this may be long and I haven't had my "happy" pill for 3 days so bare with me! (it's highly likely I may ramble) 4 mos ago my DH had a "procedure" done and spent the night at the hospital. First person I contacted was his older sister whom we never see or talk to even though she lives about 10 miles from us. So she's in his room the next morning when I arrive. I think nothing of this, she is my DH sister after all. About a week ago, DH was going through his wallet and found a piece of paper that said in case of emergency contact...it had her name and numbers, under that his other sisters name and numbers and under that my cousin who is her best friend. (he hates her to be blunt) No mention whatsoever of my name and number, you know the person who is his WIFE!!!!! Well! I am just really ticked about this and my DH was too. We can only figure she put it in his wallet at the hospital while I wasn't there and he was still asleep. I think she was deliberately being sneaky about it. She could have said btw here is all our numbers in case you need to contact us. Which I already have. No, she is wanting to be contacted first before me in case something were to happpen to him, God forbid. So am I wanting to call her up and say thanks for putting me on the list there buddy, you know the person that is married to your brother and has kids with him. Am I looking at this wrong or is this weird? You can tell me if you think I am looking at this the wrong way, I need a little insite at this time because this has really just chapped my hide!! |
Car54 | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 03:23 pm   Unbelieveable! Has DH asked her about it? I would- it would be kind of fun to see her response- since you are pretty sure what happened. (can you tell I like to mess with people?) |
Weinermr | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 03:29 pm   I think you're justified. Nobody has any business being in anyone else's wallet unless they have permission, certainly not someone that you never (rarely) see. I'm not taking her side, but MAYBE it was her dysfunctional way of saying she wanted to be in touch with DH now, so she left behind her info for that purpose - but she went about it ENTIRELY the wrong way. And the way she did it certainly dissed you. So all in all, I would be mad as hell as well. Frankly, it's up to DH to set her straight, and to stick up for you. JMHO |
Tess | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 03:34 pm   Good grief, Abby! And I thought I had the sister-in-law from hades. I'm with Car. DH should ask his sister about it face to face (I'd like someone to capture her expression). My biggest problem is that MY DH doesn't have the nerve to confront anyone like that. Ohhhhh--I hope yours does. |
Fruitbat | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 04:11 pm   I would be furious. I think BOTH you and your husband should talk to her about this together. This gets the message across that you are a team, she is busted and you will not tolerate such childish antics. If she is having problems with her place in your life then it is to be discussed openly without devious games. Period. Be kind but firm and direct. She will deny all implications. Don't buy it or soft talk to smooth things over. Let her leave the conversation knowing that she has been caught at a stupid game. aaarrrrggggg. I hate this kind of stuff. |
Littlebreeze | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 04:36 pm   From what you posted, Abby, it certainly does seem that she overstepped her boundaries. I agree that she should never have been in anyone else's wallet to begin with, but had she simply put the phone numbers in the wallet, just the names and numbers, it wouldn't have been the slap in the face that it became by indicating on the paper "In case of emergency, contact.....", listing herself and others, leaving his wife, the mother of his children, totally out of the picture. I absolutely agree that it should be your DH who speaks to her. You said he "hates her" so no doubt feelings are running hot, but it's important that he approach her as a mature, calm adult. If he's confrontational, if he comes at her with machine guns blaring, he'll likely get the same in return and you'll get nowhere except into a family feud where she'll never see the reason behind what's being said to her. Of course his blood family should be contacted, and you did the right thing by doing just that, but the wife comes first, most especially "In case of emergency". Good luck. |
Soeur | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 05:09 pm   That must have been very stressful Abby. Definitely deal with it together with your husband. Maybe there is a slim chance that they will have a credible explanation for doing something that seems totally weird and inappropriate. It would also bother me that someone had gone into your DH wallet (unbeknownst to him). Someday you'll laugh together about this, I'm laughing now (at how outrageous people can be)... |
Urgrace | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 05:09 pm   Dear Abby, If your family is already having problems, this will not make it any better, that's for sure. It is possible that she meant no harm and was trying to burn a few old bridges. Asking her about it is a good idea, but try to do it in a respectful way, because being nice is the best way to fix the situation even if she did it on purpose! Sugar sweetens the revenge and makes you look better! |
Oregonfire | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 05:42 pm   Can I post another question under this heading? I need advice all the time, and the advice I get here is very good. About a month ago I made plans with a colleague to go see Lord or the Rings. Some time went by before I called to make sure that we were still going. I gave her my number and she said she'd call back by the day before to reconfirm. Well, days pass, and sure enough, it's 10pm the night before, and no phone call. I would've had to drive 40 miles, and am hard up for cash, plus she sounded really busy with her family, so I just called her up and cancelled. To be honest, I was miffed that she didn't call. It's a pet peeve of mine, I guess. I mean, it's okay to be too busy to go to a movie, but a short, five-minute phone call would've been appreciated. She's much busier than I am, that I get, but being the one waiting by the phone really sucks. I called her up today, and she said she was suprised that I called after out last conversation. Why? I wasn't mean about it. I actually thought I was being nice (and logical) by giving her an out when she and her husband were so busy preparing for relatives coming over on Christmas. Well, I think this fledging friendship will fall by the wayside anyway, because she must be too busy in general to even make a simple phone call. (Yes--some passive-aggressive issues at play here, but I don't like not having any say at all in what I do or don't do.) |
Soeur | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 06:08 pm   Hi Oregon! You could ask yourself a few questions. Do you like this woman? Are you interested in developing a friendship with her or is the connection mostly work related? I have a few friends I really love who have very busy lives and who I don't see as much as I would like. Since they are such great people and I always enjoy when we do get together I stay loose about cancelled dates and last minute plans. The more people in our lives that we really like, even if we don't see them so much, the better. If she is a great person there is no need to close the door. Also, if a busy person like her still wants to make it a priority to get together with you then...(maybe she now thinks that you are not interested in getting together?). I would not necessarily let hurt feelings determine my actions (I try to wait and act until my head is more engaged in the equation). As the single person (I am guessing you are) it might rankle to always feel like the accomodating one in terms of making plans and fitting in. Should that be the case you have every reason to set the boundaries where stuff like that is concerned. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. Once you make up your mind, don't second guess. (I am writing this from personal experience)  |
Littlebreeze | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 06:11 pm   Oregon.... don't let her lay a guilt trip on you. You most definitely have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. She was very inconsiderate. Bottom line, she told you she would call you "by the day before" to confirm. She's the one who set that time limit for confirmation so, when she did not call you to confirm, it was she who backed out. I have no tolerance for that kind of thing, a total lack of consideration for someone else and that person's time. It's simply rude. |
Car54 | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 06:13 pm   Could I ask, what did you say when you called and cancelled? |
Oregonfire | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 06:30 pm   Well, I said maybe we should just forget it, that I needed the extra time to work on my syllabus, that I couldn't really afford the money for the gas, etc. I did feel bad when she said that they had already lined up a sitter, and I asked if they would go anyway, and she said that they probably wouldn't go until after Christmas. But she also said that their day had been so busy that they hadn't even gotten a chance to go Christmas shopping at the mall yet. I thought that maybe she and her husband could use the time to go shopping without their son, a little cutie by the way. Anyway, she seemed in a hurry (sheesh I hope I didn't interupt anything!) The lining up a sitter part is the only thing I felt bad about, really. But it was 10 p.m., and my irritation had been building since around 8:30 p.m. I try to avoid being the needy single girlfriend stereotype, but I slip into it sometimes, I guess. I don't think she was trying to be mean, just a bit thoughtless. |
Car54 | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 06:53 pm   I am usually the single friend too. I just wonder the way it could have been done is to have called her and asked if she still wanted to go? That you realized she is very busy, and it would be fine to postpone or cancel. It sounds like maybe she forgot it was up to her to call- but that she did plan to go (the sitter thing)- and then she thought YOU cancelled. When I make a plan with my married friends, I try not to project how busy I think they are. It is really up to the married person how much they want to socialize without their partner. I agree it was thoughtless, but maybe she really did forget or mis-understand. I find a lot of people take the "I'll call you " very casually- and I tend to take it pretty seriously. I think Soeur has some good questions- do you really want to be friends with her- if so I would try to clear it up. Go to lunch, or something and just tell her what you told us. If this was just a casual thing, and worrying whether she is too busy or is making time for you is stressful, let it go. |
Juju2bigdog | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 06:54 pm   Abbynormal, I'm wondering if older Sis was notified about the procedure just the night before. If so, maybe she just panicked and got to thinking she was notified as an afterthought and then maybe even amplified that into thinking, migawd, he could have died, and I wouldn't even know. She beat you to the hospital in the morning, which is indicative of something or other, not sure what, maybe panic. In addition to calling her out about putting the emergency notification in DH's wallet, maybe you could reassure her by letting her know that you have now made a card for BOTH your wallets with emergency notification numbers, and that she is listed right after you on DH's. And now, here is a reminder for all of us. Do you have such a card in your wallet? Is it up to date on people you would want notified if god forbid you are in a bad car wreck? Do you have any life threatening allergies? Put that on there. Do you have pets alone in the house depending on you to come home? Put that on there. Do you sometimes have a babysitter home alone with the kids? Put the home phone number on there. Oregonfire, I think she was a bit insensitive and you were a bit oversensitive. When she forgot to call you, what's wrong with calling at, say, nine and saying, "Hey, you forgot to call me. Are we going tomorrow or not?" |
Car54 | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 07:00 pm   Juju you are some wise puppy. |
Oregonfire | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 07:01 pm   Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses. Yeah, it was pretty much a casual thing and shouldn't really be a big deal. For some perspective, I just today read my horrible evaluations from last quarter and am wondering if I really am always "bitter and angry" as one student put it. I like to think of myself as funloving and easygoing, but when I try to set boundaries in stressful situations, it usually just makes the situation even worse. Sometimes it's so much easier to just be a doormat! I guess I need to work on "modifying my tone," but if I have to use that sickeningly sweet fakey nice voice, I think I'll die from shame. |
Karuuna | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 07:14 pm   Oregon - it sounds like you and your friend have different expectations. You expected her to call, and she was really busy that day, even too busy to call, and maybe she thought you would understand. It also sounds like you do what I used to do (and still do more often than I'd like to admit), and that is let people walk all over you until you've reached more than your limit, and then you're angry. So when you finally do talk to them, you probably come off angry, since you are. The better thing, if you can manage, is to set a limit long before you reach that point. Then you don't come off angry, cause you're not. Instead you sound more "matter of fact", not necessarily sickly sweet. So when you hadn't heard by "early" evening, you take the initiative, make the call, and just say "hey, just wanted to check and see if we're still on for tomorrow". It also helps if you try to assume the best, instead of the worst. Give the person the benefit of the doubt and assume that they just hadn't had a spare moment to call; instead of taking it personally. Of course, if it's a frequent pattern, then maybe it's time to either have a serious talk about it, or look for a new, more courteous friend. You need to remember that you're a terrific person, and I doubt that your friend was being rude intentionally. Another way to read that whole situation is that your friend was very busy, yet in spite of being really busy and having a milion other things to do, she had gotten a sitter and wanted to go to the movies with you... Just something to consider. |
Max | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 07:26 pm   Abby, Your DH should talk to his sister. Sounds like there are "issues" there that existed well before this incident. Perhaps some major fences need to be mended between them. Sounds like she might be blaming you for whatever rift there is and this is her passive=aggressive way of dealing with it. In any case, he needs to make the contact and tell her that you had notified her out of courtesy. Heck, did he even WANT her to be notified? Is the rift so wide that he might have prefered she not even know? Oregonfire, It sounds to me like you need to work on stating what you are feeling in an assertive way. You said you thought you were doing your friend a favor by cancelling since she was so busy with holiday stuff. Instead of "letting her off the hook" you might have done better to call and say that since you hadn't heard from her to finalize your plans, you wanted to postpone until a later date. Swallowing your frustration that she hadn't called didn't help anything, it just came across to her that you were so mad you were severing the relationship completely. In any case, you're always better off stating what your feelings and needs are and going from there than trying to walk on eggshells. If you're clear about your needs and feelings without blaming others for "making" you need or feel them, then folks know where you are coming from and can deal with it better. Otherwise, everyone makes assumptions that tend to make matters worse. Does any of that make sense? Assertiveness is the key, but it takes practice to move from aggressiveness or passive-aggressiveness to that behaviour. |
Oregonfire | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 07:29 pm   Yes, you are right, Karuuna. I have a hard time walking that boundary line, that's for sure! Let's just say that I was raised to be a doormat, and have been shaking off that mentality ever since, sometimes rather violently. Thanks to you too, Max. I'm working on this tactic, but honestly, I think that my friend is at a stage in her life where she's giving me as much attention as she can. If that's not enough for me, then I'd better walk away. |
Abbynormal | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 08:08 pm   Thanks all for your advice. A few things. DH is just not close with his sisters. I am pretty sure they blame me for this, but they forget that he is a grown man and cannot be MADE to do anything. I think they still look at him as the little boy they could push around. She just has a very different life style than we do, which is ok with us. I used to try to get them together but but he is just not interested. I said to him Christmas day, don't you think you should call your sisters? And he said, call them what? They really have nothing in common and he doesn't care for their mates. When I showed him what everyone had said on here, he said when am I going to talk to her. Which means he will not make a special call just to tell her and by the time she calls him, he will forget. So I guess I will be the one to say something when it gets said. I will say something and say it nicely but I would like her to realize that this was demeaning to me and a breech of privacy to my DH. Oh yeah, the procedure was stents in heart vessels and I called her immediately as soon as I knew. Oregon, the advice you have gotten here is pretty sound to me. These people are gooood! |
Urgrace | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 08:26 pm   Oregon, I can relate to your situation and don't understand people who make a committment and then don't honor it. From one who has been a doormat too many times - it sounds like you didn't expect her to call you, and that is what is really making you upset. Also, did she have a babysitter lined up for your movie date or for the shopping she wanted to do? She could have forgotten, but that is not a good excuse for a promise given and was insensitive. If this date was set up way ahead of time, you maybe should have called a day or two sooner to give her a reminder, then she could have saved face, too. New friendships are trial and error and need reassurance on both sides. Give yourself some credit, and you will find people calling you even when you don't expect it. Wish I was closer to you, then we could go to the movies together! |
Whoami | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 09:01 pm   Oregon, I had a similar situation. I was developing a friendship with a former co-worker. She had just gotten a new job, and I offered to treat her to dinner to congratulate her. We agreed on a day, but never confirmed a time/place (although I did give her directions to my work, with a time I got off, since we knew at least we would be dining in the city I lived/worked). I called her two days before to get verbal confirmation (we had been communicating by e-mail until then) and left her a message. The next night, I was out with friends, and she called and left a message with my mom saying we were on for the next day, and left her cell phone number, stating it would be on all day. Still no confirmation of time/place. I called her the next morning at about 10:00am, and she got a bit sharp with me and said, "didn't your mother tell you I called?" I said yes, but we still needed to confirm a time/place. She told me she was on the way to a funeral, and would call me in the afternoon to set a time. Well, it came to be 4:00 (I got off at 5:00) and I still hadn't heard from her. So I tried calling her home and cell, neither answered, and VM did not pick up. I got off at 5:00 (she knew from e-mails that I did), and sat in the lobby waiting for her to show up. Also kept trying to call both numbers with no answer. Finally, at 6:00, she picked up her cell when I called, and said "I'm still at the funeral, and I'm drunk. I don't feel comfortable driving up there." No problem, I wouldn't want anyone driving drunk anyway, especially for my sake. She said we could do lunch the next day (Saturday), and she would call me when she got up. She never did. I figured by then, I had gone out on all the limbs I needed to go out on, and the next call would be hers to make. A few months later, I found out through a mutual aquaintance where her new job was, and tried an e-mail (using her name, and the company's e-mail format). I got a response back from her saying something like, "hey wow! You found me!" It's now been nearly a year, and I've sent her birthday e-cards, a Thanksgiving greeting, and included her on a couple of forwarded e-mails. I get a return confirmation that she did open those e-mails, but I have never heard from her personally again. Just last week, I deleted her from my address book. Am I wrong? Or did I give her ample opportunity? |
Juju2bigdog | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 09:17 pm   Ample, Whoami. She is out of here!
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Oregonfire | Friday, December 28, 2001 - 10:11 pm   Thanks again to all of you! Abbynormal, I hope you don't mind that I didn't address your quandry, which is a lot deeper than mine. I don't have much experience with in-laws, but I do know from personal experience that you can come from the same gene pool as someone else and not have a thing in common. It's bizarre. I live across country from my family, and couldn't be more pleased, which isn't very nice, but true. |
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