Some levity...tell us a joke.
The ClubHouse: Archive: Some levity...tell us a joke.
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Babyruth | Thursday, November 08, 2001 - 07:57 am   I found this hilarious website. Check out the section of Ads, with the funny comments. http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/index.html |
Billyjobobbrain | Thursday, November 08, 2001 - 05:44 pm   a guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has 6 monthes to live.The guy says, But Doc ,I can't possibly pay my bill in 6 monthes"."Okay says the doctor,you have a year". |
Babyruth | Friday, November 09, 2001 - 06:35 am   The Rules of {Nightime} Golf: Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. |
Lancecrossfire | Friday, November 09, 2001 - 04:04 pm   Texas Chili Tastin * Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of running water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. I love Sally. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. FRANK: ------------ (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) |
Wink | Sunday, November 11, 2001 - 05:25 am   10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette 3. The dryer has shrunk every pair of your jeans 4. Everyone is suddenly agreeing to everything you say 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving - call 1-800... 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The differences between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting you bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made AND, the Number One thing only women understand 1. The toilet bowl does not clean itself. |
Grooch | Wednesday, November 14, 2001 - 08:22 am   A Priest is driving down the road. A Connecticut State trooper pulls him over for speeding. The State Trooper approached the car and starts talking to the Priest. It does not take long for the trooper to realize he smells alcohol on the priest's breath. The Trooper then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the Priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?” The Priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" |
Lancecrossfire | Wednesday, November 14, 2001 - 05:55 pm   Redneck Engineering Exam 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) '66 Ford Fairlane B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside? |
Nancy | Monday, November 19, 2001 - 06:39 pm   Bumper stickers for Ladies............. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. And my favorite! IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. Alva |
Babyruth | Monday, December 03, 2001 - 08:15 am   MATH LESSON A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." |
Nancy | Friday, December 07, 2001 - 07:28 pm   The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition! Here are some recent winners: 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit) 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the pick of the liter(ature): 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @#%$. |
Max | Friday, December 07, 2001 - 08:36 pm   Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this!" "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter." |
Highlander | Friday, December 07, 2001 - 08:49 pm   December 1 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The from Hell December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director |
Urgrace | Thursday, December 13, 2001 - 01:23 pm   This is how to catch bin Laden: Spray Afghanistan in the mountains where he is hiding with viagra - then when the pr**k sticks his head up, grab him! |
Angelnikki | Thursday, December 20, 2001 - 08:51 am   Men are like ATM machines.Once they withdraw,they lose interest! |
Weinermr | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 01:49 pm   Why did Willy get fired from his salesman job? Because he was Loman on the totem pole.
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Kep421 | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 01:57 pm   All I Need To Know I Learned From Santa Encourage people to believe in you. Always remember who's naughty and who's nice. Don't pout. It's as much fun to give as it is to receive. Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby. Make your presents known. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want. Bright red can make anyone look good. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important. Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO!" |
Kep421 | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 02:11 pm   Is Santa Claus Really A Man? I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: * Men can't pack a bag. * Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. * Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. * Men don't answer their mail. * Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." * Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. * Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. * Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men.... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy. AND THE REBUTTAL... There Is No Way Santa Can Be A Woman There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why: First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt look fat." Also, Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty. What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be down at the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's a$$ to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk doesn't work with reindeer. A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole d*mn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it. And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas: "He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..." If Santa was female, that line would have read: "She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinately..." Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to Hugh Heffner). |
Wink | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 02:20 pm   Kep those are wonderful. Thank you so much for all the smiles you bring. |
Kep421 | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 02:28 pm   You are just soooo welcome Wink!!! I'm having a blast today, been chucklin since early this a.m. |
Wink | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 02:32 pm   I've been doing a lot of chucklin myself this afternoon but I think the cherry brandy has something to do with it. |
Kep421 | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 03:56 pm   Here's is another one, dedicated to all the prose masters we have on this board... Dieter's Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there. While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick. The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer, I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess. My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry, if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night, in the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!' |
Soeur | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 04:31 pm   What did the slug say when he was riding on the tortoise's back? Whee!!
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let’s make sure he’s dead." There’s silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A guy walked in to a psychiatrist’s office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman, "A pint for me and one for the road."
A guy phones the local hospital and yells "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies, "No! This is her husband!"
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Nancy | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:44 pm   ~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT: WHAT BOYS SAY TO GIRLS: 1. Did it hurt? ("Did what hurt?") When you fell out of heaven. 2. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together. 3. Can I borrow that quarter? Because my mom told me to call home when I fell in love. 4. What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me. 5. Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long. 6. Are you lost? Because it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven. 7. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle. 8. Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven. 9. Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart. 10. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips. |
Nancy | Monday, December 24, 2001 - 07:46 pm   THIS GREETING, made this 25th day of December, 2001 by and between nancy(Wishor) and tvch members and anyone else that receives this message (Wishee). WITNESSETH: That in consideration of the mutual covenants and agreements to be kept and performed on the part of said parties hereto, respectively as herein stated, the said party of the first part (Wishor) does hereby covenant and agree that it shall I. extend without obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and II. wish a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of Wishee. NOW, THEREFORE, by accepting this greeting Wishee is bound by these terms as follows: 1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal. 2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the Wishor are acknowledged. 3. This greeting implies no promise by the Wishor to actually implement any of the wishes. 4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain Wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor. 5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. 6. The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the Wishor. 7. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord," "Father Christmas," "Our Saviour," or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged. |
Nancy | Wednesday, December 26, 2001 - 03:37 am   Reindeer Red-Faced By Elbert L. Finneyhopper THE NORTH POLE (Dec. 24) -- Now we know why Rudolph was never invited to the reindeer games. In the annual reindeer games, an event which leads up to the delivering of gifts to children all around the world, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer shocked the field and beat out Dasher by a nose. Rudolph, the youngest won the overall competition despite not winning any event. But after all the total points were added up, Rudolph had the most. The competition is made up of five events -- long jump, 100-yard prance, obstacle course, high jump and antler jousting. "It just proves that you don't have to be the biggest, strongest or fastest to be the best," a jolly Santa Claus said. "I'm proud of all my reindeer. It will be nice to see that gleaming red nose lead the way again this Christmas." Santa added: "Ho, ho, ho." Rudolph's shyness and humble persona made him not wish to comment on the victory. His friend/manager, the Abominable Snowman, shook the landscape after jumping for joy. Dasher, the eldest of the reindeer, had nothing but compliments for the young Rudolph. "I'm so happy for him," Dancer said. "His youthful exuberance, his great attitude … it sums up this time of the year." The competition was very friendly. Even Blitzen, who had the least points, was in a good mood throughout. "Oh, this is all for fun anyway," Blitzen said. "Besides, it's just an honor to be pulling Santa's sled. And we all have confidence in Rudolph … he's proven himself to be a fine lead reindeer." The order of reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh is: Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen. |
Bookworm | Wednesday, December 26, 2001 - 09:45 pm   Corny but cute... JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU GRIN ... 1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. |
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