Archive through August 13, 2001
The ClubHouse: Archive: Daily "humorscope":
Archive through August 13, 2001
Nancy | Friday, July 20, 2001 - 07:35 am   This is just for fun: by Ron E. Lunde Friday, July 20, 2001 Aries (March 21 - April 19) No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. Libra (September 22 - October 22) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. |
Nancy | Friday, July 20, 2001 - 07:44 am   by Ron E. Lunde Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to go around "nudging" people. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to avoid pickled herring. |
Nancy | Saturday, July 21, 2001 - 05:33 am   by Ron E. Lunde Saturday, July 21, 2001 If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them. Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. |
Wink | Saturday, July 21, 2001 - 10:01 am   These are great Nancy. Thanks.  |
Nancy | Saturday, July 21, 2001 - 10:14 am   your welcome wink--if i believe mine i have to stay in and watch wheel of fortune all day lol |
Wink | Saturday, July 21, 2001 - 12:58 pm   Well I have read a bunch of moose jokes. Guess that beats telling a bunch of moose jokes. |
Nancy | Saturday, July 21, 2001 - 06:08 pm   .lol its better than finding a bassoonist in your shrubbery too!! |
Nancy | Sunday, July 22, 2001 - 03:44 am   by Ron E. Lunde Sunday, July 22, 2001 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one. Leo (July 23 - August 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
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Nancy | Monday, July 23, 2001 - 05:51 am   by Ron E. Lunde Monday, July 23, 2001 Carpin Denium - there's a fish in my pants -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad". It's something to do.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. |
Nancy | Tuesday, July 24, 2001 - 07:11 am   by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, July 24, 2001 "Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question." -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of Doug. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable". Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage. |
Nancy | Thursday, July 26, 2001 - 05:41 am   by Ron E. Lunde Thursday, July 26, 2001 "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and drove into the river." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. Libra (September 22 - October 22) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. |
Nancy | Saturday, July 28, 2001 - 01:17 pm   by Ron E. Lunde Saturday, July 28, 2001 "Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -- Aldous Huxley -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... |
Nancy | Sunday, July 29, 2001 - 06:28 pm   by Ron E. Lunde Sunday, July 29, 2001 I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time. \Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II". Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... |
Nancy | Monday, July 30, 2001 - 04:57 am   by Ron E. Lunde Monday, July 30, 2001 "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down." -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!" Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. |
Nancy | Wednesday, August 01, 2001 - 05:25 am   by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, August 01, 2001 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. Tallulah Bankhead -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of turnips. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Leo (July 23 - August 22) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Deny everything. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!" Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat." |
Wink | Wednesday, August 01, 2001 - 08:41 am   Thanks again Nancy. Loved Scorpio today. Amazing how even the tongue-in-cheek scopes can be applicable to certain situations. |
Nancy | Thursday, August 02, 2001 - 10:11 am   by Ron E. Lunde Thursday, August 02, 2001 "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -- Dave Barry Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of rodents. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. |
Nancy | Friday, August 03, 2001 - 06:23 am   by Ron E. Lunde Friday, August 03, 2001 When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. |
Nancy | Sunday, August 05, 2001 - 10:26 am   by Ron E. Lunde Sunday, August 05, 2001 "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." -- Hubert Humphrey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Libra (September 22 - October 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere. |
Nancy | Tuesday, August 07, 2001 - 08:35 am   by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, August 07, 2001 Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do). Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. |
Nancy | Friday, August 10, 2001 - 06:21 am   by Ron E. Lunde Friday, August 10, 2001 "Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." -- Anon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. |
Ladybug007 | Friday, August 10, 2001 - 08:41 am   http://www.miniclip.com/dancingbush.htm If you want a good laugh...this is great!!!! |
Nancy | Friday, August 10, 2001 - 12:35 pm   umm--that didn't work for me LB...besides this is a Humorscope thread <Grin>--there is another thread for funny jokes/sites ;) (just teasing) |
Nancy | Sunday, August 12, 2001 - 10:59 am   by Ron E. Lunde Sunday, August 12, 2001 "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... \ Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy". Tomorrow's better, for that one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. |
Nancy | Monday, August 13, 2001 - 04:31 am   by Ron E. Lunde Monday, August 13, 2001 "Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep." -- Fran Lebowitz -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. |
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