Archive through January 04, 2001
The ClubHouse: Archive: Can you fall in love on the net?:
Archive through January 04, 2001
Spamgirl | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 07:13 am   This isn't to incite anything, so if you don't want your personal story of love on the net known, DON'T POST IT! I was just wondering if people here believe you can TRULY fall in love on the net - definition being meeting on the net, and chatting on the phone, but not meeting in real life until AFTER you're in "love". (Kinda like how DotComGuy proposed to a lady he met while he was in his house, and met in a chatroom) I personally don't - I think that mind and personality are only 3/4 of the equation, and that physical being and ... physical ACTIONS are also an important part of a relationship (actions being body language, being touchy feely or not, etc. etc.) But if AFTER meeting you mesh, then there's nothing wrong with that |
Mishamisha | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:08 am   Haven't you ever dated someone, and when you were one-on-one everything was cool, but then you saw how they acted around their friends? Or their family? Or how he treated his mom? There are some things that you just can't learn about someone without seeing how they interact with others. That said, my parents were introduced by mutual friends, became pen-pals, met in person after about six months, were engaged 4 days after they met face to face, and were married 4 months later. They are still happily married and just celebrated their 40th anniversary. Just goes to show, everyone is individual, and what works for one couple won't work for another. That's what makes us all so unique. |
Ocean_Islands | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:17 am   Here's an interesting question: Have you ever been with someone where it's just so-so, but the moment you get around friends and family, everyone loves you both together, and you both have fun, and life seems great? Then when you're alone together once again, it goes back to being just so-so. What do you do then? = = = = = = = = = = Spam it sounds like you feel physical contact is 1/4 of the love equation, is that correct? |
Flint | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:20 am   The problem with meeting someone on the net is that they could just be acting out a role. Even when you talk on the phone, if you haven't met them, you don't really know them. Even then, sometimes you don't really know them (Yeah, this is a bad experience talking.) I have seen good and bad relationships form from the net. (Been in a couple myself too.) Two of my oldest and best friends met their wives thanks to the net, and the wives are great people. My oldest ex-friend met his wife at a gathering of people who met on the net and she is (or was, I really don't know her anymore) one of the most infantile, manipulative b*tches you could have ever met. I met a woman over the net a few years back who was pathological. I guess it is kind of like meeting someone in "real life", it is a crap shoot. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. So, I guess I have to argee with you Spammy. I think you can meet someone on the net, and you can definitely develop strong feelings for them, maybe even love. However, until you actually meet them, and get to know them, and make sure the spark you felt is from something based in reality, it is best not to fall too far, too fast, or it could be a much greater drop than you expected. (And even then life can give ya a swift kick in the nars anyway.) ;) That is just ... My 2 cents, and bad luck. ;) |
Bamagirl | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:23 am   I met my husband and after a week of dating he ask me to marry him. Everyone thought we were nuts and it would not work out. November we celebrated 23 years of marriage, have two great kids and are still very happy!!! Not really falling under your question Spam. For us we didn't have the learning each other before marriage...we did it as we went along. |
Bamagirl | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:25 am   Oh adding to my above post, but with the years we have been married you know we didn't meet on the net. LOL Just that we didn't have time to learn each other before marriage but it worked for us!!! |
Guruchaz | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:32 am   I know of only one person who met someone on the net and eventually got married. There were many back and forth out of state trips on the part of both people and that's the only way something like that has a chance to work. How can a person fall in love with someone else when it's just text? There has to be more that that and the truth is that a high percentage of internet relationships fail because of the lack of personal contact. Besides, you can never know who a person really is just by chatting with them. Not that I would know anything about that. uh huh huh It's best to not get high hopes on something like that. Otherwise, you just set yourself up for possible disappointment. That's my opinion. |
Max | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:33 am   As with everything, there are stories on both sides of this issue. I have dear friends who met via match.com. They met, I think, in one of the chat rooms. That progressed to phone calls and finally a face-to-face meeting at a match.com mixer party. It helped that they only lived 3 hours away from each other at the time. At first, they didn't feel a big attraction when they met and decided to remain friends/email pals. However, after a couple of months, they were getting along so well, that they decided to give it a try. Many miles later on both their cars, he relocated to her city and about eight months later, they got married. They are the happiest, most well matched couple I've known in years. Both great people. On the other side of the coin, I've known several people who fell "in love" on the net and had horrible experiences. I've also known marriages that have been broken over online "affairs" that progressed to in-person affairs. That line between fantasy and reality got crossed and really screwed things up, although things were probably not all that great to begin with! As usual, I agree with what Flint said. When you first meet someone, you're seeing thier best behavior. It's not until you've had time to interact with them, see how they treat others, how they behave in public, what their family interactions are like, that you can start to get a true picture of who they are. In general, I don't think that's possible over an impersonal medium like chat and email. (Like I said, there are always exceptions that work out.) Meeting on the net is a great start. But I would say it's more becoming infatuated via the net than it is falling in love. Love needs more data. |
Kearie | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:33 am   I think people can become very close on the net and can fall in love...in as much as able...without every meeting. I think that the net, like pen-pals provides a way for people to feel safe and therefore share more personal information about themselves more quickly than they would if they met face to face. I agree with Spam about the importance of the physical in that 95% of communication is nonverbal. Therefore it is important to meet eventually. I must also add...there are no guarantees in love no matter how two people meet. Very often people get married only to find that their partner is different than what they believed. People can act all sweet and loving and then once married...true colors begin to emerge. Personally, I think that love is too vague of a word to describe feelings. I find that a deep, close friendship is often more important than love in a relationship. So what is your definition of love? |
Guruchaz | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:38 am   Ok, I didn't get my additions made in time so here we go again: I know of only one person who met someone on the net and eventually got married. There were many back and forth out of state trips on the part of both people and that's the only way something like that has a chance to work. How can a person fall in love with someone else when it's just text? There has to be more than that and the truth is that a high percentage of internet relationships fail because of the lack of personal contact. I know of one guy at work that has been scanning "mail order brides" from Russia and other places. Those people just want to make it to America and then, as I understand it, a high percentage of those marriages fail because the person was used. You can never know who a person really is just by chatting with them. Not that I would know anything about that. uh huh huh It's always good to try, but it's best to not get high hopes on something like that. Otherwise, you just set yourself up for possible disappointment. That's my opinion. |
Bamagirl | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:39 am   Many people after dating for years split after a few years of marriage...all saying she/he changed when in fact you do not know a person really till you live with them. |
Elitist | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:43 am   Love is a lollipop - you lick it till you can't stand it anymore, then you take a big bite. Love is a Lays potato chip - you can't eat just one. Love is like Jello - all jiggly and mushy and melts in your mouth Love is never having to say you're sorry. Sorry but I just couldn't resist. Guess we need a new thread. |
Mishamisha | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 08:47 am   For you, Gu missing mail order bride slain |
Lafatme | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 09:37 am   there is an advantage to meeting on the net. the main part of any relationship is communication and the net is all communication. it gives you the opportunity to really talk because it's all you have to get to know someone. by the time you meet, you actually KNOW who you're meeting, especially if you don't rush into it. a very good friend of mine met his wife on the net and they've been very happily married for 2 years now. i can tell you she's the best thing that's ever happened to him, no doubt. it can also go the other way, it depends on whether the people involved choose to be honest or not. that's true in real life too. to sum up, i don't think it matters how two people meet. what matters is what they do after that. do they actually work to develop a relationship? do they treat one another with honesty and respect? do they allow the other person to see them for who they really are, or do they play games? obviously, meeting in R/L is the only way to finally determine the validity of the relationship but is not necessary to validate the emotions a person feels. emotions are true whether valid or not. you can feel the same fear from reading a stephen king novel as you would with an axe murderer in your house, one is a valid fear the other a book but both feelings are real to the person feeling it. no one but the person feeling the emotion can have any insight as to it's validity. |
Spamgirl | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 09:45 am   OI: "Spam it sounds like you feel physical contact is 1/4 of the love equation, is that correct?" Yup, about that... of course, it varies with the couple... and physical contact doesn't only mean sex... Kearie: "So what is your definition of love?" Love would be wanting to get married and pork and stuff like that... (pork, how rude! rofl) like physical want (porking ROFL) AND that mutal respect AND friendship (I don't believe you can truly love someone you're not friends with) and crap that people call love... Lafatme: "there is an advantage to meeting on the net. the main part of any relationship is communication and the net is all communication." I agree... the net is a wonderful FIRST STEP in a relationship - you can meet on a mental level and enjoy each other's conversation and intelligence... but the point of this thread, which I will make now, is this question: What do you think of people who meet on the net, send each other pictures, talk on the phone, and because they can't afford it never meet in person until they get married? There are people who do this, far too many in my mind. |
Spamgirl | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 09:48 am   I should add - I've dated people from the "net" before it was the "net" - not the WWW (which isn't the internet... many people equate http=internet... doesn't, internet also includes telnet and ftp and gopher and and and.....) back in the days of telnet BBS'... but they always knew my friends somehow, so I could feel them out before I actually met them... and I ALWAYS met them before i ever said "i'm dating you" or anything nutso like that... but those were much different days, when we all lived in the same city, and all pretty much knew each other (i mean, really - how many people had modems in the 80's and early 90's? ) |
Cammie | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 10:04 am   Spam...ROFL @ "pork"!!! You had a nice, serious thread goin there for awhile! |
Ocean_Islands | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 10:32 am   That's funny Spam; the rest of us feel each other out after we meet! lol |
Elitist | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 10:46 am   OI I think that is up, not out. |
Flint | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 10:54 am   A friend of mine lives in Singapore. She is pretty open about who she is on the net. That is, she isn't afraid of having a pic of her up. She likes meeting new people, and talking. One of her BIG complaints about guys on the net is that they usually start going on about being in love with her. They don't know her, maybe exchanged an email or two. Sometimes not even that, with the first email they start going on about being in love with her. It usually makes her laugh at them. As she said, they have never met her, don't know her, haven't talked to her. She could really be a guy for all they know. Yet they start throwing terms like love around, thinking that will impress her and have her fawning over them and wanting them. It makes her wonder what they think love is. I did my share of "falling in love" with the help of the net. Mind you, I never would admit to it until after we met in person. Even that doesn't spare you from psychoes. There was a woman I met on the net in 94. I was going through a rough time, a death in the family, and we seemed to have a lot in common. When I took my vacation I ended up going to a gathering of people from the LPMud I was an admin on, mainly because she was going to be there and I wanted to see if we meshed. We did. Or so it seemed. I ended up giving up everything to move to be with her. My job, left my family and friends behind. Left my country. In the end, well, lets just say I can't blame her for everything because I put on blinders, but I ended up hurt pretty bad. Everything she had told me about herself on the net was a lie. Everything she told me when we met was a lie. When I found some out about some of them, I was stupid and forgave her. Even after we broke up she still tried stringing me along, and did what she could to cause me pain. One of my best friends, the father of my godson, is one of the best examples I know of for the crap shoot theory. He was dating a woman for about 2 years. They seemed very happy. Then they got engaged, knowing that they wouldn't get married for 2 years, until he finished a degree. Then one day, after they had been together for 3.5 years, she told him they "needed to talk" and had to meet at a coffee shop. Then she dumped him, and never told him why. So, he had wasted 3.5 years of his life on her, and a lot of $$$ as she was high maintainence, and to this day doesn't know what happened. Then, one night, he went on the IRC at the local Uni. He started talking to a woman on it, helping her learn how to use it. They talked on the phone the next day (they never talked on IRC again after that, living in the same town helps ;)) and for a week after that. Then they started dating. A year and a half later they moved in together. Then they got married, and now, 6 years after they met, they have their first child and I haven't seen many couples as happy as these two. Anyway, I digress. With a net relationship, as with any sort of relationship, you have to keep your eyes open. You definitely have to know the person, and that does mean meeting them. However, even that isn't a guarantee you will really know them. Sometimes it will work out if you don't, but those instances are few and far between. I also have agree with Guru, there is a whole different realm of relationship when you start the mail order bride, or match maker services like it. One that just screams PROBLEMS. As always that is just ... My 2 cents. |
Moondance | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:07 am   Love is Life ... it is what we strife for ... if it is in a relationship or with ourselves... I have a difficult time putting rules or restrictions on it. Who knows because the situation is different with each relationship ... as long as you have dropped your baggage and learned your lessons. I say never say never because the universe has a way of coming back and biting you on the butt. |
Lafatme | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:10 am   i don't believe love can be analyzed. it is not a brain function, it's an emotion, and therefore not logical. some people spend a lot of time THINKING "how SHOULD i feel"? the question should be "how DO i feel"? i am an intelligent person who tends to overanalyze most of the time. i question what makes "sense" and what doesn't. i thought i was in love a few times in my life, but i actually have been twice-i know the difference and how it "feels" but can't explain it in logical terms. here's a question: just because sometimes love doesn't last, does that negate the validity of the love while the person was feeling it? if you don't remain angry at something does that mean you never were? feelings are feelings and they are true for the person feeling them at the time, regardless of the reason. |
Spamgirl | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:10 am   OI! I didn't say feel each other up!  |
Flint | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:13 am   That reminds me of a quote, Moon. "If you want to fall in love, you cannot hold everything in. You have to open up, take that risk. You will be hurt sometimes, but if you don't, you will never be happy. The one you find may not be the kind of woman (or man) you expected to fall in love with, but it won't matter, you will love her (or him) for exactly what she is." |
Flint | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:20 am   Lafatme; For all the bad relationships I have had, I wouldn't change them. While they didn't work out, they did teach me lessons. Sometimes it took a while for them to sink into my thick head, but eventually I learned them, and got over what happened. |
Moondance | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:26 am   That was nice Flint!  |
Gail | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:32 am   Can you fall in love on the net? yes |
Lafatme | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:32 am   me too, flint, me too. i am still friends with every woman who ever really mattered to me, including my ex-wife. they have all taught me something which has led me to be who i am today. moon, i agree. the universe doesn't always play by man's rules. if we're not open to the wonders around us we'll never experience them. feeling hurt is not the worst thing, not feeling at all is. |
Lancecrossfire | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 05:48 pm   For me, the posts by Flint and Laf provide closest to how I feel about the question. I agree that one should get face to face interactions before deciding a particular person is right for something like marriage though. On the net you are given a certain picture of a person--the picture they want you to have. it could be completely accurate, completely inaccurate, or anywhere in between. A person can fall in love with that information. There is a heck of a lot you can learn about a person. Just about everything except the personal interaction stuff. Given what is presented, I think a person can fall in love with what they see. |
Guruchaz | Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 07:59 pm   Who was that Misha, your lover? I already have a fiance, thank you.  |
Misslibra | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 01:14 am   A big YESSSSSSS !!!! Guru, your getting married ? I didn't know that did anyone else know about this ???  |
Noslonna | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:29 am   Yes you can fall in love where ever you want. For example... I am in love with spam's dad and I never even met him............. yet. |
Mishamisha | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 06:45 am   No, Gu, I don't go for Russian women. |
Optics | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 07:34 am   If everything falls into place for two people and they have met via the net, or any other means. Then go for it. |
Juju2bigdog | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 07:50 am   Yep, MissLibra, we knew about Gu's big event. Truth or dare about 45 days ago. June. Ain't it just wonderful? I almost feel like posting this one twice.
 |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 08:05 am   I think you fall in "lust" on the net. Love is for real life. |
Lafatme | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 10:22 am   wink, isn't lust usually fueled by physical appearance? can you LUST for a personality? "oh baby, baby, i want your sense of humor, i need to feel your self respect, i'm gonna ravage your compassion all night long. did i tell you that you have the most beautiful sensitivity i've ever seen?" i don't think so. |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 10:31 am   Well I don't know Laf. After reading some of Adven and Ocean's posts back in 1999 when they were more active I was definitely lusting after both of them. Something about the way they were both able to turn a phrase made them extremely desireable. In fact I had quite an active, lusty fantasy going on in my head just from what they wrote. Of course I felt that way about GuGu doll for awhile too so I guess nothing I say should be taken seriously. Just kidding. Still love ya Gu Gu. |
Adven39 | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 10:36 am   I know what you mean, Wink. I felt the same way about myself. Thanks, by the way. |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 10:42 am   Did I really say back in 1999??? Sweet Jeezus I meant 2000. Guess that's what happens when one is consumed by lust. Wow Adven long time . Hope you're back to stay. You're most welcome. |
Adven39 | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 12:23 pm   Well, I thought I was sexier in 1999, but I won't quibble. And I am back, thanks. Actually, I never went away. I went into lurker mode for a while, hoping to be adopted, but the silence was deafening. Maybe I should have made a grand exit. |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 12:39 pm   Well Adven I always thought you were the strong silent type and "grand exit" doesn't seem to be your style. Actually I thought you were in Mexico. See couples thread. |
Noslonna | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 12:40 pm   I could adopt you. I like the idea of another kid without the 20 years, 9 months gestation period. |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 01:54 pm   Adven please ignore my suggestion to go to couples thread. Elitist is wearing panties and Nos, Spam and Mish are into some kinky stuff. If you end up participating my fantasy will be shot to h*ll. Be strong . Stay away. |
Spamgirl | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 01:58 pm   Rofl... instead Stud39 could join in and share his wisdom |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:12 pm   Okay now Spam and Nos are over in the "Love/physical contact thread fighting over Lance. Adven/Stud be very careful. These women are ruthless!! Don't let them pull you in. |
Spamgirl | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:18 pm   (wink, think of the candles... i can't be ALL that bad, can I? [fluttering eyelashes] ) |
Noslonna | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:18 pm   Lance is MINE I tell you. It was the leather jacket that did me in. |
Adven39 | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:20 pm   Thanks for the warning, Wink. It came a little late since I already went to the couples thread. I want you to know, though, that I blushed profusely as I read it and left immediately. As for Stud, I think Elit is doing fine without him. Besides, although Stud believes he has a lot of things to share, wisdom isn't one of them. |
Spamgirl | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:20 pm   You're right, he's yours take 'im! |
Noslonna | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:22 pm   Thanks spam... did you hear that Lance? |
Noslonna | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:25 pm   Where is our resident romantic when you need her? Soeur... oh souer! |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:30 pm   Glad you were able to maintain your dignity Adven. |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:33 pm   I haven't forgotten the candles Spam. In fact two are keeping me company as we speak. I gots a lot of candle burnin to do!! |
Adven39 | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:36 pm   Thanks. It's not normally something I'm very good at. |
Elitist | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:38 pm   Here Wink, Wink, Wink. We have some candy in the TVCH Couples thread. |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:45 pm   Elitist you are a big bad man and I'm askeered of you. What kind of candy? |
Elitist | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:51 pm   Chocolate covered cherries, of course. You know, the one with the creamy filling? |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 02:54 pm   Just a sec Elitist. Ummm Adven do you have any candy? |
Adven39 | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 03:03 pm   I do, but I couldn't offer it without losing that dignity we were talking about. |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 03:14 pm   Well I'm just so gosh darn proud of you Adven. Now if he had offered cherry whisky I'd be a goner. Candy I can resist. But then again there is the matter of those size 13...oh nevermind. I'm stayin put. |
Noslonna | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 03:26 pm   go with lucky 13 |
Soeur | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 04:49 pm   Should we take it as a given that men always exaggerate about size? (anyway, isn't it how the mass is in motion that counts??)... (Nossie, is that romantic enough for you or should we crank this up a few notches? ) |
Wink | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 04:54 pm   Soeur you DO have a way with words. |
Noslonna | Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 04:56 pm   Crank it up sis |
|