Why are good people attracted to bad?

The ClubHouse: General Discussions - Jan -Apr. 2001: January: Why are good people attracted to bad?

Flint

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 10:49 am Click here to edit this post

Since we have some threads talking about personalities and relationships I thought I would throw this question out.

Why are good women attracted to bad men? (Or conversely good men to bad women.)

I know a few good women, and men (friends and family), who ended up with total a$$holes. They are intelligent people who you would not expect it from, yet, that is what they ended up with. They get hurt, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, but they stay with the person.

Why do you think this happens? (My theory is KISAS.)

Spamgirl

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 10:54 am Click here to edit this post

I think it's 'cuz some people, deep down inside, think that's all they're worth.

Mishamisha

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 10:55 am Click here to edit this post

I agree. It's got to be a self esteem issue. Why else would they allow someone to punish them so much?

Flint

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 11:04 am Click here to edit this post

Knight In Shining Armour Syndrome (KISAS)

It is also known as the Wounded Bird Syndrome, or Someone Please Whack Me In The Head With A 2X4 Syndrome.

You are attracted to those in need. You become certain that you can save them from all the demons plaguing them, real or perceived. Even from themself. The pain they cause you is a symptom of their problems, which you convince yourself that you can solve by forgiving them, and being there for them, through everything.

When the relationship fails you blame yourself for not being able to save her from herself. Then, someone else in need shows up and the cycle begins again.

Luckily, it is possible to get over this.

Soeur

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 11:05 am Click here to edit this post

Aside from abusive relationships, I have seen a few situations where it is because one partner sees the potential in their mate and hangs in there hoping and trying to help free them from the personality traps they are caught in. Usually the people are very different in complementary ways but at some point the more together partner can shift from being on the side of growth to becoming an enabler because (in their sympathy and understanding) they tolerate behaviour that should be stopped, faced and dealt with. Love relationships are a mystery and hard for outside observers to fathom.

Gail

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 11:37 am Click here to edit this post

good people think they can help bad people. they think they can make difference in their life, make it better. by the time they realize that they cant make difference, they fall victim to bad person and end up thinking they are not good enough for anyone. if they are lucky, they get smart and get out before too much damage done to heart. if they are very lucky, they might one day meet a really good person who helps them forget the bad person and ends up living happily ever after.

Admin

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 11:48 am Click here to edit this post

Bad people are more fun.

Kearie

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 12:24 pm Click here to edit this post

No such thing as bad people, however, there are bad behaviors.

Lancecrossfire

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 12:30 pm Click here to edit this post

Flint, glad you started this thread. For a lot of my life, I've noticed that decent women have been picking guys that are jerks and, as Flint says, a$$holes. Guys that are stable, down to earth, and treat others with respect either have a tough time getting women, or had been given their walking papers.

So, over the years, I've asked women why this is so common. (yes, I realize not all women are this way) I get one of two answers.

One is that they see the guy as a project. Something to fix and make better. For themselves, better for the guy himself, or better for someone else. They just need to fix them.

The second typically comes from younger women (20-30). The women see these guys as exciting. They won't ever be boring, they will always provide an element of excitement, of spontaneous fun, or an energy rush.

To both sets of women, the "nice guy" is bring and doesn't fill that need to help. Yep, he's nice, and will treat a women with respect, with love, with caring, and will always be there. Yet, the other two needs outweigh these positive factors.

By no means is this anything scientific on my part. Just something I've done over the past 25 years or so. Asked upwards of a couple hundred women. Most have been ones that have left the "nice guy" out, and I have also asked those that have nice guys. Did this to see what they thought or have heard from other women. In many cases, they had previously picked the jerks, and figured out that for themselves, the "nice guy" was the better way for them to go.

Twiggyish

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 01:14 pm Click here to edit this post

I think some women look at "bad" men as exciting..sort James Dean rebel types. Myself, I chose a steady, stable guy. (I have been married 20 years) So, there is something to say about down to earth men... They make better marriage partners.

Moondance

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 01:23 pm Click here to edit this post

I think that there are many reasons for this but it does come down to ... we bring into our lives what we need to learn ... sometimes it takes others longer to see they deserve to be treated in a loving and nurturing way. I also agree with what K said about it being the bad behavior:)

Cammie

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 03:50 pm Click here to edit this post

I agree, Moon. I went for "bad boys" for a long time. I finially realized that I deserve to be treated well and, also, that I was not responsible for fixing these men.

Flint

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 04:21 pm Click here to edit this post

Umm...lets not use the phrase "fixing men", it makes me shiver, and not in a good way like in chat last night. ;)

Mishamisha

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 04:27 pm Click here to edit this post

Glad to see you haven't forgotten last night. Hope to "do it" again sometime soon.

Moondance

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 04:31 pm Click here to edit this post

I am sorry I missed out with on the 'FlintFest'!

Mishamisha

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 04:33 pm Click here to edit this post

It was very special. Flint was very "bad". Speaking of bad boys...

Twiggyish

Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 08:45 pm Click here to edit this post

Flint..lol I can imagine that conversation!!

Misslibra

Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 04:15 am Click here to edit this post

Nooo, Flint a bad boy ?? What have you been hiding from us Flint ... LOL

I also think it's a case of opposites attract.