Infertility

The ClubHouse: General Discussions - Jan -Apr. 2001: April: Infertility

Enbwife

Friday, April 13, 2001 - 03:18 pm Click here to edit this post
I thought this would be a great place to get some feedback on your experience with infertility. Close friends of mine (after over a year of trying) just found out that they may not be able to have children naturally, and may have to undergo invitro fertilization, or adoption to become parents. Have any of you experienced this yourself, or know people that have? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject, so I can pass on the experience to them.

Soeur

Friday, April 13, 2001 - 03:27 pm Click here to edit this post
Our neighbours have three children. A little boy (3) and twins (1 1/2). All were conceived in vitro. Their parents are so proud of their good fortune and happily relate all they went through in order to become a family. If you asked them, they would definitely say that everything they went through was worth it. I have another friend who has had 8 miscarriages. With each pregnancy their hopes were raised and it got harder rather than easier to deal with the disappointment. Having children (by any method) is a real emotional rollercoaster with in vitro that is intensified by the hormone treatments the woman undergoes. Luckily for your friends there is a lot of information and it is easy to connect with people who will share their experiences so they can make informed choices. I wish them well and hope things work out (may they be rich in children).

Max

Friday, April 13, 2001 - 03:50 pm Click here to edit this post
Well, gee. I've been there, done some of that. :)

When I was in my mid-30's and married, we tried to have kids. Now, I was already at a disadvantage because in my early 20's, I needed a D&C to solve a problem with the lining of my uterus and the doctor had tied my tubes at the same time. Unusual for a doctor to consent to doing that in someone so young, but he did. Then later, in my mid-20's, I had an ovarian cyst and had to have one ovary removed. So, I was already 2-strikes down.

Anyway, I consulted a specialist and she thought she could help us out. Had a tubal reinastimosis to restore the tube where my remaining ovary is. That worked. Then there were tests for my ex. He whined about doing that and I told him I'd trade him and HE could have the surgery while I looked at dirty magazines and videos. :)

Ended up that I took Clomid for a while along with monitoring my temperature on charts daily and all that stuff to try and determine the optimum window of opportunity. Ugh. Let's just say that having your sex life revolve around all this stuff while simultaneously dealing with the biggest mood swings you've ever felt, really sucks.

Top that off with hoping every month that you won't get your period and the roller coaster ride is ready to go.

Then, of course, there are decisions to be made about how drastic you want to get with treatment options. If you start taking perganol (sp?), which involves giving yourself shots several days each cycle, your risk for multiple fertilizations goes WAY up. With Clomid, the risk of multiples is only about 20%. With perganol, it goes to something near or over 50%--and we're talking triplets or more, not twins. I remember sitting in the examination room and the nurse talking about that. I said I would never go that far because the multiples risk was too high for my liking. She started talking about how they could go in and "selectively reduce" the number of embryos if too many implanted in the womb. I stopped her and said "You're talking about selective abortion and I don't ever want to face a decision like that, so I refuse to go to that extreme of treatment." I remember her being so surprised that I was adamant about that.

Anyway, after about a year, maybe a little longer, of all this kind of stuff, we stopped trying. I never did get pregnant and I'm actually pretty glad because the marriage wasn't that great to begin with. If we had had kids, I couldn't have divorced him and left it all behind very easily. It would have ended up being hell for a kid, one way or another.

I have known people who went the invitro route and succeeded after several tries. I've also known folks who have tried that several times and still not succeeded.

I've got friends who have adopted babies from China and built their families that way. I've got other friends who did private adoption. My sister, brother, and I were all adopted, so I think that's a great thing to do, although now days it's much more difficult than it was in the 50s when we were all born.

There are SO many options available now. Infertility treatments are improving all the time. It's really hard on the relationship because it creates so much stress and, for the woman, such crazy hormonal changes. But if the relationship is good and you go into it with a clear understanding of risks and how far you're willing to pursue the process, I say go for it.

Personally, I find it a MAJOR miracle that anyone ever gets pregnant! When you watch things like "The Miracle of Life" and see how many little processes have to occur at exactly the right time, it just seems like the odds would be tremendously against it happening.

Of course, I always said that if I had been 15 and making love in the back seat of a '56 Chevy on a dark country road, I woulda gotten knocked up in nothin' flat!

Twiggyish

Friday, April 13, 2001 - 06:33 pm Click here to edit this post
Lisa, I have been down a lot of those roads myself. I will email you my answer, hon. It isn't an easy topic for me. I can say, we were eventually blessed with a wonderful child. (After 13 years of marriage).

Enbwife

Sunday, April 15, 2001 - 07:50 am Click here to edit this post
Thanks guys for sharing this info with me. Friends of mine adopted a baby from China 2 years ago, and are going back in July to pick up the baby sister to Robyn. When I see them together, I think it's so wonderful. I've heard different things about in vitro, it works, it doesn't, it takes many times, it's very expensive!!! It's heartbreaking when you think that you can get pregnant whenever you want, then are told that your chances are pretty much zilch.

Max - your year of craziness sounds very familiar. It's all I've heard about lately, i.e. the drugs, the procedures, the hell. I hate that my friends may have to go down this road. It's a really hard thing to accept and come to terms with.

Enbwife

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 07:34 am Click here to edit this post
In case any others have stories... - bump -

Tess

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 01:20 pm Click here to edit this post
Well, here comes a very abbreviated version of our story. When we got married we already knew that I was ill and didn't know if I would be able to become pregnant since I had never tried. Imagine our elation when 6 weeks after our wedding I went to the doctor after a camping trip because I had a lung infection(normal for me). As he was writing a prescription I mentioned I never got my (you know what) and he said hmmmmm, let's draw some blood. They always want your blood. I almost fell off my chair when he told me I was pregnant. I was shaking and crying so hard that he kept asking me if I was sure this was good news. It was the best news I'd ever had.

A couple of weeks later, I started spotting and went in for my 2nd ultra sound. Everything was fine but I was put on bedrest. I'd already had an ultra sound immediately after learning I was pregnant as it was crucial to determine the exact due date. The doctors always intended to take the baby early to keep us both alive. There was not going to be a way for me to go full term. We were stunned 2 weeks later when I got up to answer the phone and started bleeding so hard I had to be rushed to the hospital. After another ultra sound the next morning we found out our first baby had died in the night. My husband was beyond devastated and I had to be so strong for his sake. Three days later I had surgery to remove the baby. They had determined that my body probably would not reject the baby for at least another 2 months. This was the worst day and worst experience of my life.

My ob/gyn sent me to a fertility specialist after I recovered from the first pregnancy. I had exploratory surgery and nothing seemed to be amiss. My husband had surgery several months later to re-route some veins. I had clomid (refused pergonal for the same reasons as Max) and eventually had shots of some hormones for several days each month. Every month I had artificial insemmination but using my husband as the donor. They never thought we would get pregnant again because my husband's surgery wasn't deemed successful. However, on my birthday the following year, just days after I found I was pregnant, we lost our second baby. In August that same year, we lost our third. All the while we were going through torment every month scheduling, driving 25 miles one way to the doctor, surgeries, hormones which made me feel like a raving maniac, etc.

I had always wanted to adopt most if not all of my children. My husband said before we got married that he was all for adoption. After we were married and pregant the first time he changed his mind. So, I was doing all this for him -- not for me. I stil wanted to adopt. I knew deep in my soul that there would be our solution and there we would find our family. One day, while at church, my husband saw a man carrying a little, bitty girl from China in his arms. Realization that he could be that man finally --- FINALLY -- came up and smacked him right between the eyes.

The next time Catholic Charities had an orientation seminar we were there. That was July 3, 1996. I told a very short version of our adoption story in another thread but before we saw the photos of my little Sweetie Cakes, I had another miscarriage. By then, we were assured there was no way I could get pregnant. We had long since stopped all infertility treatments. I was floored. My biggest fear was that our case worker would find out and hold up our adoption. I didn't even tell my husband I was pregnant because I knew that it was just a matter of weeks, or even days before I would lose that baby as well. That was in November, just before Thanksgiving. He knew anyway.

I'll skip all the paperwork difficulties we had due to our own state department and jump to August 7, 1997. Our own little miracle baby was put into my arms for the first time at 2:15 in the afternoon. She had flown for 17 hours halfway around the world and was sound asleep. We were surrounded by friends and everyone was in tears. After a time I handed her to my husband-so the first time she woke up in America she was in her daddy's arms. They are inseperable and I am the luckiest woman in the world. My most secret goal is to live to see her grown up and happy, whatever path she chooses. That is my story. (ps. sorry it's so long but I left out most of the details)

epilogue -- last summer I went in for a routine exam and was sent for further testing. I had tests which hadn't been invented yet when I was trying have a child. The findings of the tests resulted in a complete hysterectomy. Now I'm the luckiest woman in the world who also doesn't have to go through h*** every month. Life is good.

Lancecrossfire

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 01:31 pm Click here to edit this post
Tess, thanks so much for sharing a very personal time in your life. It sounds like your daughter is a very fortunate person to have the you two as parents!! The very best to all 3 of you!

Tess

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 04:00 pm Click here to edit this post
Lance, thank you for your kind words, not just here but in other threads as well. As I've said before, if any little detail of my life had been different, I would have the life I have today. Sure, there are physical difficulties, but the rewards so far outweigh any pain. We do have a happy little life.

Lancecrossfire

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 04:20 pm Click here to edit this post
Tess, you seem to be well aware of a philosophy I try to go by (and have said here before)--quality of life is 10% what your given and 90% what you do with it.

Tess

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 06:09 pm Click here to edit this post
Lance, great minds, etc...

It's amazing what a positive attitude will do. It's bought me several additional years of a wonderful life.

Moondance

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 06:22 pm Click here to edit this post
Great posts Lance and Tess!

I just wanted to give hope to some who are still trying the in vitro way...

My client/friend tried for 5 years to no avail so they took his sperm and had donated eggs in vitro to another woman(I call her a special oven)...

Long story short, I went to their 5 yr birthday party this afternoon... 2 beautiful girls enjoying their horse riding party!

Tess

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 08:24 pm Click here to edit this post
That's wonderful, Moon. I have friends who had both their boys (who are now in their teens) through in vitro. There have been so many advances in that area since then, too.

We had decided not to go that route mostly for economic reasons and it all turned out for the best.

My feeling is that there is a child somewhere in the world for everyone who wants one (or more) whether through the usual means, medical intervention, foster care or adoption. It's love that makes a family, not how you all got together.

Twiggyish

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 08:29 pm Click here to edit this post
awwww Tess, that is wonderful. You are truly blessed!

Tess

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 09:10 pm Click here to edit this post
Thanks, Twiggy, I think so, too.

Moondance

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 11:18 pm Click here to edit this post
You got it Tess... I believe that we pick our parents:)

Sweetie Cakes had a plan!:)

Tess

Sunday, April 22, 2001 - 11:33 pm Click here to edit this post
Sweetie Cakes always has a plan, Hon.

She's one in 6 billion and I wouldn't trade her for the moon and the stars or all the riches on earth.

Enbwife

Tuesday, April 24, 2001 - 05:47 pm Click here to edit this post
Wow! I am stunned by what's been written here. Thank you Tess for sharing that very personal story. I can't imagine what you and your husband went through all those years. There is so much love and support on this board sometimes, it just blows me away. Hugs to you all.

Tess

Tuesday, April 24, 2001 - 10:18 pm Click here to edit this post
You're welcome, Enbwife. There are some very wonderful people here. I wish your friends much luck. If they communicate fully with each other and remember how much they love each other then they will find their way through this. Every couple has to find out what is best for them. Even though several of us have been through similar situations, no one can really climb in their shoes and feel their particular pain and confusion. All we can do as friends is be supportive and listen, listen, listen. They will find their way and they will find their child through some means if it is truly meant to be. They will be in my prayers tonight.