Identity Crisis
The ClubHouse: General Discussions - Jan -Apr. 2001: March:
Identity Crisis
Maire | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 12:17 pm  Is there anyone here who has gone through this? How did you get through it? Do you know of any reading materials via books, periodicals, web, etc. that pertain to this subject. Yeah, I'm going through this. At first, I was calling it a mid-life crisis, but have only recently discovered it was more of an identity issue. All you jokesters (you know who you are) are welcome to do your thing, as I think its important to keep our sense of humors on such serious matters, laughter is such a good medicine. But please know, I am dead serious about this, and would really appreciate your input, if you have any. |
Digilady | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 12:26 pm  Could you be a little more explicit? Identity crisis - explain. Not knowing who you are, what you want to do, type of thing? Or is it related to the birthday? I sure went through one of those when I hit 40. It wasn't funny at-tall. Meet us in chat tonight. |
Soeur | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 12:34 pm  Reading is great. I will spend some time later looking for the books that have helped me. The reason I find reading so helpful with personal struggles is that it is an activity that is done privately, the material is digested and then I meet the world and apply what has been learned/discerned. The identity crisis is the most profound human journey. Having one signals growth and the shedding of a skin. Its a very exciting and enriching process and also pretty uncomfortable. I think it is also making a reconnection with what really matters to us. Very nice to come out the other side of as well. You go girl! And here is a joke: Q: What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do at night? A: Lie awake wondering if there was a dog. I seem to remember Max recommending a book called The Four Arguments [if I have the title correct] that sounded like one I would read... |
Lafatme | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 12:48 pm  maire, i don't know what kind of crisis you're dealing with but i am willing to help if i can. are you turning 40? are you questioning your decisions in life? wondering where you're going and why? i did. then i remembered an album by the firesign theatre called "we're all bozos on this bus" and took it as my life motto. when you admit to being a bozo you can forgive your bad decisions, and incertainty, because hell, you're a bozo! what can you expect from a bozo anyway? i decided to stop trying to drive the bus and just sit in a window seat and enjoy the view of my life. it is what it is and it's the only life i have. might as well stop trying to direct it and start watching the direction i'm destined to go, in spite of myself. it helped me a lot. i don't know if you're religious or not but, to me, i let god drive the bus and take me where i'm supposed to be, rather than where i want to be. it's calmer, and less stressful, and i know i'm going in the right direction, even if i don't know where that is. now that i've met kearie i know where that direction is and what i'm supposed to do. but none of the things that have happened to me were because of my actions or intentions, they just happened because they were supposed to happen. i guess i'm saying "relax, and enjoy your life, don't worry about what you're SUPPOSED to be doing as much as what you ARE doing, and things will just work out for the best" i know it sounds overly simplistic but it really is just that simple. my thoughts and prayers are with you. all will be well if you allow it to be. |
Karuuna | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 01:18 pm  Maire -- I'd suggest either of two books by Cheryl Richardson - "Life Makeovers" or "Take Back Your Life". Both are full of practical advice about how to better understand who you are and what you should be doing, as well as how to get there from where you are now, in manageable steps. I think women (more so than men) can easily get caught up in giving up more and more of themselves to be there for others, until one day they wake up and no longer know who they are. Forty is the typical age of that waking up, since it seems to be programmed into our culture as an age of taking stock of where you've been, and where you can still go in the time you have left. Some self-exploration at any time of life is a wonderful endeavor, and helps give that second half of your life more direction, purpose and satisfaction. However, failing that, I would suggest buying some heavy gold chains, a convertible and dating men half your age.  |
Moondance | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 01:43 pm  Great suggestions Kar... also The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford... Reclaiming your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams...I highly recommend this one Marie! |
Juju2bigdog | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 04:20 pm  Congratulations on having the courage to start this thread, Maire. Laf, that is so bizarre - "we're all bozos on this bus" is one of MY mottos. Bozo-dom is a wonderful thing.
 |
Guruchaz | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 05:53 pm  This is an awesome topic! LOL! |
Maire | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 07:24 pm  I don't believe what I'm going through is related to my birthday. (I'm 41 btw). I've heard about people going through what is called a "mid-life crisis". Whatever the label that people want to give it, I beleive that its purely coincidence that I find myself dealing with certain matters at this age. I could have found myself dealing with this stuff at any age. It just happens to be now - however, "now" encompasses several years, and now is the time its coming to a head. I'm sure I may be sounding a bit cryptic, sorry, but I'm not wanting to air it all - that's not my point in starting this topic. I'm interested in knowing if other's have been through a type of identity crisis, or what have you, and by what means you were able to get through it. I consider what I'm willing to face within myself and outside of myself quite profound. I am looking forward to the challenge of it all and coming out the better for it. Thanks to those that have responded, and for the reading materials you have suggested. Laf, my immediate response to your post is one of disagreement, however, I'm going to ponder more what you have written, and I want to take the time and energy to respond when I have it all figured out. You have definitely given me something to think about. Sis and Karuuna, you seem to have pretty much hit the nail on the head as far as what I'm meaning about an "Identity Crisis". Ju, yes, this has taken a measure of courage to post, especially when I consider where I was emotionally just 5 months ago. Thanks!
 |
Max | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 07:44 pm  The book is "The Four Agreements - A Toltec Wisdom Book" by Don Miguel Ruiz. In a nutshell, the four agreements are (from the book jacket): - Be impeccable with your word.
- Don't take anything personally.
- Don't make assumptions.
- Always do your best.
It's not really about any particular identity or mid-life crisis situation, but rather a way to look at leading your life. It's about getting rid of the beliefs you've developed that limit your potential to have joy in your life. We've all got those things--the baggage we carry around about what life is like. The point is to look at your stories about your life and re-write them. They are just stories. How you choose to look at them and interpret them can make all the difference in your outlook going forward. Another book I'm reading that I like is "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil McGraw (the guy on Oprah every Tuesday). Again, this is focusing on the stories you have about yourself and your life and how to change them so that you can move ahead in a positive fashion. The Sunday School class I'm taking at church has been dealing with these kinds of issues for a while. It's a very interesting topic and there are lots of times that I don't want to see what is being presented. Of course, those are the times I really need to look that hardest! I'll leave you with one statement that I think is very profound and worth pondering... Life itself has no meaning. We are meaning-making machines. The meaning we choose to assign to events in our lives is an individual choice.
 |
Twiggyish | Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 08:19 pm  This is all food for thought! Max, good words to live by. |
Maire | Monday, March 12, 2001 - 12:56 pm  Laf, as promised, I said I would be responding to what you have written. I've decided to address two of the points you made that really ruffled my feathers. Point #1 "i decided to stop trying to drive the bus and just sit in a window seat and enjoy the view of my life. it is what it is and it's the only life i have. might as well stop trying to direct it and start watching the direction i'm destined to go, in spite of myself." What you don't know about me is that I've been sitting in the passenger seat my whole life letting family, people, false beliefs and whoever or whatever else dictate where I go or what I do. What kind of identity is that? Where am I? Who am I? Who do I reflect? I'm an original, one of a kind, not a cookie cutter version of whatever is out there. I'm the captain of my own ship. Point #2 "it helped me a lot. i don't know if you're religious or not but, to me, i let god drive the bus and take me where i'm supposed to be, rather than where i want to be. it's calmer, and less stressful, and i know i'm going in the right direction, even if i don't know where that is." I have an unwavering belief/faith in God/Jesus. I have been put on this earth with my own choices to make. One of the choices I belive I made unconsiously is to let myself just go with the flow, and whatever happens, happens. Everything within is me saying that what is wrong with what you are saying to me is that just taking the approach of letting God make all the decisions, is it takes away my responsiblity, my own mind even, it takes away my choices that God has blessed me with. I am not a prisoner being directed and dictated to by God or anyone. Again, I am captain. Don't get me wrong, I believe in being obedient to God, He is after all God. This is my own belief - I'm not trying to project this onto anyone else. (BTW, to whom it may concern, please, lets not make this thread into a debate on religion, and beliefs, that is not my intent.) I hope I'm not coming across as being angry at you, rather I'm feeling rather passionate about what I'm saying. I really appreciate the time, effort and thought you have given to me in this matter. You have made me really think about this. And I thank you for that. I am happy that this approach you have taken for your own life has worked out for you - just know, it won't work for me, at least not at this time in my life. I whole-heartedly hope for you and Kearie to be happy and completely fulfilled together. You both have warmed my heart - you just have no idea how much. Maire |
Max | Monday, March 12, 2001 - 01:22 pm  Maire, It sounds to me like you are going through a growth opportunity in your life. I think we all hit these points many times along the path. Somehow, when we get to be around 40-ish, these get labeled "mid-life crises," "identity crises," and a variety of other limiting labels. The path you ultimately choose will be one that resonates with your soul, not necessarily anyone else's. Just remember that all that you are experiencing is good. There is no right or wrong with it. I very much respect that you are seeking suggestions from others and listening to their experiences while deciding what direction is right for you. That, IMHO, takes courage. Did you know that the Latin translation of the word "obey" really means "listen"? You said, "I believe in being obedient to God, He is after all God." It sounds to me as though you are starting to listen to that still small voice and it's telling you to seek a new path. I believe that the still small voice is God, the Spirit in us. Listen. Seek. Find what resonates with your soul and pursue it. It's not an easy thing to do, but it has tremendous potential for joy. As a fellow seeker, I wish you well on your journey. |
Maire | Monday, March 12, 2001 - 01:26 pm  Thanks Max. You have just warmed my heart greatly. |
Moondance | Monday, March 12, 2001 - 01:51 pm  Max.. Great posts! I will not pretend to know that I know what Laf meant but when I read it, ironically what I got from it is what you were saying Marie... Let go, Let God (Universe, Spirit, Higher being) ... sitting on the bus as a passenger doesn't mean to sit idly by but to have gratitude in the scenery with God (Higher Spirit, Universe) do the driving and having faith the you are on the right path... if not change buses Another great book is one that our own Fruitbat sent to me for Christmas... What a blessing it was to receive it... It is "A New Beginning I" - A Handbook For a Joyous Survival by Abraham-Hicks. I recently ordered the second one... A New Beginning II Love and Luck! |
Karuuna | Monday, March 12, 2001 - 04:55 pm  I once heard someone say, "pray to God, but swim for the shore." Or another one something like it "pray as if everything depended on God, but work as if everything depended on you." I think some people need to learn to take more responsibility for their own choices. I think some people need to learn to let go of the things over which they have no control. As for me, I think those two kinds of things have undergone a complete reversal in my life - the things I thought I could control (other people's behavior) I had to let go of. The things I thought I had no control over (my own thoughts and behavior), I had to learn to assume more responsibility for. And then when I throw faith in the mix, it becomes yet more complicated. Yes, we need to follow our own path (once we figure out what the heck it is), but that's not the same as not serving the needs of others. After all, that service clause is a big thing in all faiths. What I think I'm trying to say is that there are no easy answers, and whatever answers you can come up with have to fit the individual. Having struggled with both extremes at one time or another, I can appreciate both what Laf appears to be saying -- you need to learn to let some things go, and let God lead; and what Maire is saying -- you need to learn to accept responsibility for defining your own beliefs and your own path. Now, how's that for a nice middle of the road response?  |
Soeur | Monday, March 12, 2001 - 05:34 pm  Karuna, what I read in the above is the paradox which is at the centre of truth. That is where the mystery of faith grounds and supports the discerning process. One thing I am certain of is that the spiritual journey enriches and deepens all aspects of life. It also complicates things a great deal. When it would be much easier to turn aside and avoid difficult challenges the naggings of conscience will force me to reevaluate and, perhaps, choose that tougher option. Other times we have to learn to be kind to ourselves and not expect to much. For many years I made extended retreats to a Cistercian Monastery and those experiences fundamentally changed my life. The community of monks I was connected to relocated to another province and I miss them. Having the opportunity to spend days in total silence was one of the most exciting experiences I have ever had. Maire, my suggestion to you would be to find some support or structure within which to proceed with your struggle. Go with a source you trust and see the process through to the end. All the best. |
Rollerboy | Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 08:35 am  What exactly is an "identity crisis". Personally, whenever I hear the phrase (or similar language), I think: self-indulgent navel gazing. I think a more accurate analysis would be that one is not happy with what/who they are. Recognizing one's limitations or perceived shortcomings is the first step towards making changes. That is, if you aren't happy, do something about it and spare everyone all the tedious, soul searching drivel. Everyone knows exactly who/what they are. Some people just don't like it. |
Rollerboy | Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 08:51 am  Present company excepted, of course. |
Digilady | Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 10:38 am  Maire, took me long enough to respond to that post of yours, eh? I see where you're coming from. Got the tee shirt. What did the trick for me was to find something for myself. No books required. In my case, I decided to take a few classes at a community college. Well, that bloomed into a serious interest, and I found a neat career. BTW I've done this twice... first time, whilst married, I chased the Classifieds to see if anything interested me. After a month or so, it did! Me it's work-related. You, could be charity work, getting back into artwork, photography, learning puter stuff online (which, in many cases is free). Learning how to do web sites, for instance. Anything at all, as long as it pleases Maire and belongs to Maire. Soon as that happens, you get some individiality back. It's a slow thing. I also hadda learn to say "no". THAT one is difficult. But that's a major step to "driving". Saying no. Followed by decisiveness. Make decisions, no more go with the flow. Go gently on these last... lest you give your family a stroke! I learned the "no" and "decisions" thing from starting my own business, and getting a divorce. You don't need to do anything that drastic: just ease it into your daily life. Worth a go, and I swear most of those books say the same thing. Of course they use 150,000 words to do it! JMO as usual. |
Twiggyish | Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 04:09 pm  "But that's a major step to "driving". Saying no. Followed by decisiveness. Make decisions, no more go with the flow." Yup!! I think it is great that you are realizing this in your life. Many people go through life with blinders and never look for ways to change. |
|