Archive through December 28, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: archive: Humorscopes (ARCHIVE): Archive through December 28, 2003

Nancy

Monday, December 08, 2003 - 06:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope
Monday, December 8, 2003 "what we have here is a failure to communicate" -- Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke "Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway." -- Elbert Hubbard

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Nancy

Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 10:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope
Tuesday, December 9, 2003


It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Alfred Adler


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!"

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.


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Nancy

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 03:06 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, December 10, 2003


"A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things." -- Herman Melville

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will make a bold fashion statement,
which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however

Nancy

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 03:08 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope
Thursday, December 11, 2003



The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of being cautious, today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.

Nancy

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 03:11 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope
Friday, December 12, 2003



Sinners may reform, but stupid is forever.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become
attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile

Mocha

Saturday, December 13, 2003 - 06:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Rofl I actually still have a few of those dollars.

Nancy

Saturday, December 13, 2003 - 09:55 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, December 13, 2003


Ladies have fits upstairs.
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop." That's a bad habit, anyway.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Nancy

Monday, December 15, 2003 - 10:27 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, December 15, 2003 "America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top." -- Charlie King

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

\Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Nancy

Tuesday, December 16, 2003 - 09:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, December 16, 2003


"This is the true joy in life ... being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one ... being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy....I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It's a sort of splendid torch which I've got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." -- George Bernard Shaw

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.

Nancy

Wednesday, December 17, 2003 - 09:31 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, December 17, 2003


When it came to slaughtering sacred cows with such crude yet perfect musical precision, there was no one better than Frank. I wonder what songs he's teaching the angels right now? Good luck God! You've got your hands full this time.

Terry Gilliam on Frank Zappa


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day for a nice nap.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Nancy

Thursday, December 18, 2003 - 09:32 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, December 18, 2003


"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper." Don't know why.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Tiddly wink day. Make it count.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.

Nancy

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 03:10 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
!The Daily Humorscope


Friday, December 19, 2003



I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)


You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Grannyg

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 06:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.

Ok, this is the kind of day I had!! The old man was a plumber who came to fix a leak in one of the buildings. He walks up front to turn in his badge and say he was through fixing it. Principal tells me to go look and make sure. It wasn't fixed, still leaking. So I radio her back and tell her it's still leaking. Old man comes back and I thought I was really gonna get it with the wrench he was holding in his hand. LOL

Nancy

Saturday, December 20, 2003 - 09:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, December 20, 2003


"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." -- Carl Sandburg

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze." You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name.

Nancy

Sunday, December 21, 2003 - 09:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope
Sunday, December 21, 2003

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." -- Anon

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of celery.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.)

Nancy

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 09:05 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope

Monday, December 22, 2003


"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?" -- Ronnie Shakes

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Nancy

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 09:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, December 23, 2003

"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know." -- Garry Shandling

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Hide.

Nancy

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 - 09:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope
Wednesday, December 24, 2003

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia." He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Nancy

Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 10:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, December 25, 2003


"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and drove into the river."

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to mumble.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to fritter things away.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Nancy

Friday, December 26, 2003 - 06:07 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, December 26, 2003

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Nancy

Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 03:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, December 27, 2003


My mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts!

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Nancy

Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 06:56 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Sunday, December 28, 2003


"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Grannyg

Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 07:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)

That is so true with the kidlets finally leaving!!

Mocha

Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 07:13 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Hmm who do I know with a goatee?

Grannyg

Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 07:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Danzel? You know sometimes he has one! But I think he would look just fine with one. And if you get the chance, don't blow it by telling him to shave it off. LOL