Archive through December 05, 2003
TV ClubHouse: archive: Humorscopes (ARCHIVE):
Archive through December 05, 2003
Twinkie | Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 11:02 pm     Ditto! I love them, Nancy! I really had to laugh about Monday's. I'm a Gemini and I think it was meant for me to pass Monday's along to my ex-houseguest! LOL the being stalked part  |
Lostintheglades | Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 09:40 am     I'm so sorry Nancy...I read them all. Please keep them coming...they're great!!! |
Nancy | Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 11:32 am     Daily Humorscope for November 12, 2003 "Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman..." -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though). Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. |
Nancy | Thursday, November 13, 2003 - 12:01 pm     The Daily Humorscope--Thursday, November 13, 2003 The other day I saw a fly walking down the street with his man open. Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day for a nice nap. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. |
Nancy | Friday, November 14, 2003 - 08:59 am     The Daily Humorscope Friday, November 14, 2003 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! |
Lostintheglades | Friday, November 14, 2003 - 01:27 pm     Gotta love mine....I like chocolate covered donuts anyway!! |
Nancy | Monday, November 17, 2003 - 03:46 am     The Daily Humorscope Monday, November 17, 2003 "The great end of life is not knowledge but action." -- Thomas Henry Huxley -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will. |
Nancy | Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 01:16 pm     The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, November 18, 2003 Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Leipzig elevator -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. |
Nancy | Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 03:17 pm     The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, November 19, 2003 "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." -- George Carlin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. |
Nancy | Thursday, November 20, 2003 - 03:33 pm     The Daily Humorscope November 20, 2003 If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm." You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. |
Nancy | Friday, November 21, 2003 - 03:14 pm     The Daily Humorscope Friday, November 21, 2003 Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River." Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of short people. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. |
Nancy | Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 06:38 am     The Daily Humorscope November 22, 2003 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail Abraham Maslow -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Libra (September 22 - October 22) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! |
Squaredsc | Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 07:00 am     buy more socks, rofl!!! i actually do need more socks. |
Nancy | Monday, November 24, 2003 - 03:14 pm     The Daily Humorscope Monday, November 24, 2003 If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it. On the door of a Moscow hotel room -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!" Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. |
Tabbyking | Monday, November 24, 2003 - 04:09 pm     tabby runs off to tidy up affairs. (better than tidying up the house!) |
Nancy | Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 03:04 pm     The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, November 25, 2003 People can have the Model T in any colour - so long as it's black. Henry Ford -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:". . Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. |
Nancy | Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 10:34 am     The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, November 26, 2003 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. Tallulah Bankhead -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia." He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats." That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... |
Nancy | Friday, November 28, 2003 - 04:31 am     The Daily Humorscope Friday, November 28, 2003 "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else." -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum. |
Nancy | Monday, December 01, 2003 - 04:52 am     !The Daily Humorscope December 1, 2003 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Swami X -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... |
Nancy | Tuesday, December 02, 2003 - 06:08 am     The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, December 2, 2003 "No matter where you go, there you are." -- Buckaroo Banzai -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent. Leo (July 23 - August 22) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of turnips. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing. |
Nancy | Wednesday, December 03, 2003 - 03:04 pm     The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 3, 2003 Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to go around "nudging" people. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling." Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties. |
Nancy | Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 11:58 am     The Daily Humorscope Thursday, December 4, 2003 In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". -- Steven Wright -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day. |
Nancy | Friday, December 05, 2003 - 03:20 pm     The Daily Humorscope Friday, December 5, 2003 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Lancecrossfire | Friday, December 05, 2003 - 06:00 pm     Hehehe--I'm a gemini--seems to be the case today. |
Herckleperckle | Friday, December 05, 2003 - 08:35 pm     Nancy, you are truly 'out there!'
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