Archive through October 21, 2003
TV ClubHouse: archive: Humorscopes (ARCHIVE):
Archive through October 21, 2003
Nancy | Friday, September 12, 2003 - 04:24 pm     Friday, September 12, 2003 "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Leo (July 23 - August 22) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. |
Nancy | Monday, September 15, 2003 - 02:43 pm     Daily Humorscope for Monday, September 15, 2003: ------------------- Quote of the Day: ----- "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) -------------------- Aries ( March 21 - April 19 ) ----- Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)... ------------------- Taurus ( April 20 - May 20 ) ----- Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. ------------------- Gemini ( May 21 - June 20 ) ----- Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. ------------------- Cancer ( June 21 - July 22 ) ----- Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) ------------------- Leo ( July 23 - August 22 ) ----- An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days? ------------------- Virgo ( August 23 - September 22 ) ----- You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Libra ( September 22 - October 22 ) ----- Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies. ------------------- Scorpio ( October 23 - November 21 ) ----- You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. ------------------- Sagittarius ( November 22 - December 21 ) ----- Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. ------------------- Capricorn ( December 22 - January 20 ) ----- Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. ------------------- Aquarius ( January 21 - February 18 ) ----- You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. ------------------- Pisces ( February 19 - March 20 ) ----- This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute." |
Nancy | Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 02:47 pm     ~Humorscope for Tuesday, September 16, 2003 "I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't." -- Jules Renard -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians. |
Nancy | Wednesday, September 17, 2003 - 03:04 pm     ~ Humorscope for Wednesday, September 17, 2003 I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. |
Nancy | Thursday, September 18, 2003 - 02:54 pm     ~Humorscope: Humorscope for Thursday, September 18, 2003 "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." -- Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Bring extra. You'll need it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help). Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. |
Nancy | Friday, September 19, 2003 - 02:39 am     Humorscope for Friday, September 19, 2003 "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." -- Sean O'Casey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to sneak. |
Nancy | Monday, September 22, 2003 - 02:38 pm     Humorscope for Monday, September 22, 2003 The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes Gary Larson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes." Or, in this case, wheezes. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair." |
Nancy | Tuesday, September 23, 2003 - 03:08 pm     ~Humorscope for Tuesday, September 23, 2003 After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island ------------------------------------------------------------------ Aries (March 21 - April 19) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!" Libra (September 22 - October 22) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. |
Nancy | Friday, September 26, 2003 - 03:11 pm     ~Humorscope for Friday, September 26, 2003 Drop your trousers here for best results. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's ============================================================= Aries (March 21 - April 19) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do). Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to sneak. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live." But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die." Or something. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news. |
Nancy | Sunday, September 28, 2003 - 03:46 am     ~~Humorscope Sunday, September 28, 2003 "A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias. Libra (September 22 - October 22) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Nancy | Monday, September 29, 2003 - 03:22 pm     Monday, September 29, 2003 I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno ============================================================ Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... \ Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction." Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? |
Nancy | Tuesday, September 30, 2003 - 12:24 pm     Tuesday, September 30, 2003 No matter where you go, there you are. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Avoid yodelling today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. Leo (July 23 - August 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!." Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO |
Nancy | Wednesday, October 01, 2003 - 06:12 pm     Wednesday, October 1, 2003 "A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." -- Bill Vaughan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper." Don't know why. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling." Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for. |
Nancy | Thursday, October 02, 2003 - 02:33 pm     ~Humorscope Thursday, October 2, 2003 It's like deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun. |
Nancy | Friday, October 03, 2003 - 03:19 pm     Humorscope Friday, October 3, 2003 "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist ===================================================== Aries (March 21 - April 19) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Bad day to tease a yak. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Bring extra. You'll need it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. |
Nancy | Monday, October 06, 2003 - 02:59 pm     !Monday, October 6, 2003 "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." -- Jerome K. Jerome ============================================================= Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff." That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute." Still, this may prove a little awkward. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family." Or at least, that's what you'll say. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. |
Nancy | Tuesday, October 07, 2003 - 03:10 pm     ~Daily Humorscope October 7, 2003 "Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?" -- Tom Stoppard, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Libra (September 22 - October 22) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." |
Nancy | Wednesday, October 08, 2003 - 10:58 am     Wednesday, October 8, 2003 We aim to please ... You aim too, please. written on a bathroom on route 66 contributed by Thomas J. Walkup III ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. Libra (September 22 - October 22) After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. |
Nancy | Thursday, October 09, 2003 - 03:05 pm     Daily Humorscope of October 9, 2003 Aries (March 21 - April 19) As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. |
Nancy | Saturday, October 11, 2003 - 03:28 pm     Saturday, October 11, 2003 Please leave your values at the front desk. In a Paris hotel elevator -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. |
Nancy | Tuesday, October 14, 2003 - 04:33 pm     Daily Humorscope of October 14, 2003 Aries (March 21 - April 19) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. |
Nancy | Wednesday, October 15, 2003 - 06:14 pm     ~Humorscope for October 15, 2003 Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys might be low on ammo. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. |
Nancy | Thursday, October 16, 2003 - 02:31 pm     ~Daily Humorscope of October 16, 2003 "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================= Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) E-coli. It's what's for dinner! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? |
Nancy | Monday, October 20, 2003 - 03:02 pm     !!Humorscope Monday, October 20, 2003 What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!") Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news. |
Nancy | Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 03:36 pm     Tuesday, October 21, 2003 No man walks with dignity whose step is rushed. ================================================ ================================================ Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days? Libra (September 22 - October 22) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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