Archive through December 23, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: archive: New Parents to be...Tips & Advice (ARCHIVE): Archive through December 23, 2003

Danzdol

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:05 am EditMoveDeleteIP
awww! maybe he's so happy to see you and be with you it makes him cry! It's almost a crying out for attention maybe?

Yes, that's what I tried to do today, stay and watch him but he just held on to me. I was just not going to go back to the gym again. It's a 2 week pass. I don't want to spend it in the daycare area. I have to pay $3.00 each time too since I am not a member.

It's not a regular daycare it's the play area in the gym. They don't have too many toys and there are kids ranging in age from 10 months-5 years old. They are all mixed and running around.

I don't know what I am going to do. Right now I feel like forgetting the entire thing.

Oh yeah and I just checked him and he has 100.4 fever. They said at the doctor's office to give him Tylenol and watch him. They said he might be cutting molars. If he hits 101 then I have to take him in...........

My poor baby has had a bad day so far :(

Wargod

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:20 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Because you won't go away and leave him and he knows it. I'm not talking about going to work or out with friends. Kids can act up with parents because they know you won't stop being there and won't stop loving them even if they can't verbalize it. Also with how young he is, he knows he can show how lousy he's feeling and you will be able to comfort him in a way no one else can.

I knew when my kids were born I'd have to go back to work six weeks later. So for me, I started preparing them and me immediately for that time. Caleb was probably 4 days old the first time I left him with mom. It was only about half an hour and damn near killed me, but I had no choice. Even after preparing for six weeks, it was still hard to leave him. It never gets easier to leave them, even though I can look forward to having a day to myself, or going on vacation with just my hubby, But, I think it's very important as parents that we get a little time away from our kids to recharge our batteries and makes me, at least, a better parent for having had some time to myself.

Wargod

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Danz, is there a family member or friend who can watch him while you go to the gym? It might make it easier on Dylan if there isn't so many other kids and he can just play with someone he knows? Or do you have another mommy friend that you can kid swap with? She takes Dylan a couple hours this day, while you take her child a couple hours another day?

Djgirl

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 08:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Kimmo - don't believe that theory about tonsils curing ear infections! I had my tonsils out at 10 months (way too early, but plagued with throat infections as an infant) and had to deal with 6 sets of tubes in my ears. When I turned 16 I had to have my tonsils out AGAIN since they had grown back. Nice eh?! I was plagued with ear infections as a child and nothing they did cured them, I just grew out of them. The tubes didn't help, draining my ears didn't help, the only thing was rest & antibiotics.

Kimmo

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 10:45 am EditMoveDeleteIP
DJ, the tonsils thing isn't something I'd ever act on! They must be there for a reason. Nice to know it doesn't really work, I had had various people "swear on it" when Rowan was going through an ear infection, but that does seem really extreme. I didn't know tonsils grew back!

Danz, thanks for the advice on the daycare situation. Now we are just going into the coatroom (which has a door we can close) to have a little private time to take his coat off, etc, then go out into the fray.

For your gym concern...I agree with Lisa and Wargod, gradual stints away from you will probably work better, especially if it's with someone Dylan feels secure with. Actually, since it sounds like there isn't much structure with the gym child care, maybe Dylan would just be better off at home.

Letting him know in advance of the event, with reminders (like the night before, "Tomorrow we're going to a gym, so I can exercise and you can play," then that morning, "We're going to the gym today," etc) might make it less of a shock when you actually leave.

At home we always tell Rowan, "I need to go [do something], but I'll be right back" if we have to leave the room, etc, and then actually come right back so he knows whenever we leave, we do come back. But obviously if I'm going to leave and not come right back, I do the reminders the night before and that morning. Maybe even earlier than that, it depends on what a big deal it is.

Lisa, I agree with Wargod, Nate is just acting out with you because he can let it all hang out and you will love him anyway. If he's feeling cranky it's a comfort to act it out and know you still love him.

Danzdol

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 11:33 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Thanks girls. Well yes, it's ideal if I had someone to watch him here at home but I dont, specially on a routine basis. My husband even offered for us to "hire" someone but that means that on top of paying for a new gym membership I have to spend additional money for someone to watch him. It's pretty frustrating and it will turn out to be too much money.

He deals well if I leave him at grandmma's or with his cousins or dad but this was totally strange for him poor thing. He was so sad, his face was all red and he was screaming bloody murder. Unfortunately, grandma is not available right now. I am going to have to suck it up and try the usual unsuccessful "work out at home" bit until he starts daycare in June. I don't want to go at night to the gym because I work Monday/Wednesday nights and the other nights are to be with my husband. If not, I would only be a weekend wife !

I bet that is going to be hard both for me and him (daycare). :( but I know it's good for him to socialize with other kids and be in a structured atmosphere.

Kimmo

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 11:43 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Danz, that is too bad about no one to watch at home. But if working out is important to you, you could take one night off a week. If it made you feel that much better, I'm sure that would make your husband feel good that you are spending that time for yourself.

My "night off" is every Wednesday (so I can clean house, plan menus and take a deep breath!). My husband picks up Rowan and they go off the park, shopping, or the library, then to Grandma's house for dinner.

They've been doing this since Rowan started walking, maybe earlier. It might be another reason Rowan is okay with me being gone-- Because he comes back too, so he further knows we always come back to each other.

Djgirl

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 01:19 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Kimmo - they don't usually grow back, I was just WAY too young when they were removed the first time!

Kimmo

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 04:31 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
DJ, so sorry that happened! It reminds me of a book I read where tonsils were removed from a girl against her will (yes, a totally different situation from yours since the girl was grade-school age)-- In the VC Andrews-esque line. "Oh, we have to do this." "No, no! Oh, my throat hurts so much." Or maybe it was in "Sybil"? That kind of horror.

But I digress! :)

Mak1

Tuesday, December 16, 2003 - 05:09 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Quote: Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
- Elizabeth Stone

Enbwife

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 06:04 am EditMoveDeleteIP
That is so true Mak1. We've had a rough few weeks with Nate. First he got a cold, then the following week it got worse and he had a fever for 3 days so I took him in and he had a double ear infection. So he was on antibiotics for 1 week and was getting better, then this past week his cough got worse so I took him in again and Dr. said his ears and chest are clear so just wait it out. Then yesterday he was fussing all day and by evening he was obviously in some kind of pain. Then we realized he had very bad gas so gave gripewater and he was better.... ughhh... so sad!!! Today he seems almost 100% so I have to get him in the clinic for his flu shot this week because you shouldn't get it when they're sick and it seems he's been sick all month!!! Anyway, needless to say I'm very tired today - it's been a very long weekend.

Danzdol

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 12:11 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
awww! I HATE when Dylan gets sick. I get so angry as if there should be a rule that babies are not allowed to get sick you know? They are so defenseless.........

Danzdol

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 12:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Question: How do you all feel about TIMEOUTS?

I have just started using them to teach 18 month Dylan not to touch the tv buttons and the Christmas tree ornaments about 1 week ago.

On one hand I feel that if I did not want him touching the tree then I should not have put one up but on the other, I feel that he has to be taught not to touch things.

I usually warn him "Don't touch" and then I say "Don't touch or timeout" and then if he keeps on I say "Timeout" in a firm but non-screaming voice and carry him over to a chair where I have him sit while I count to 10 slowly and hole his hands down and then I say "Don't touch or timeout". He usually stares at me when I count and when I finish he starts trying to wiggle out of the chair and to wiggle my grap out of his hands which leads to a crying fit.

I am working up to me having to just say it once and him walking somewhere else but I also find it hard on myself because I also feel that he is so little and why be mean and not just let him get away with it. Afterall he is only being curious, not doing it to be bad.

I'm torn!

Maris

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 01:14 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I only used timeouts in serious situations where I wanted to get the message across that the behavior was not going to be tolerated and was a serious infraction.

Kids are naturally going to touch things. They are curious and are very sensory. You are putting a temptation in front of him like candy and then saying no, dont touch. For me, I figured if I put my decorations out of the reach of the cat, I could do the same for the kid. Why not leave the bottom branches bare of breakable decorations. I also resigned myself to the fact that things will get broken (nothing ever did get broken). If you have irreplacable and memorable decorations put them up on high.

Why not help him to touch the decorations and explain that he can touch them with you. Teach him to stroke them. Enjoy the magic of a christmas tree with a little one. It isnt about letting him get away with something, its about deciding what is important to enforce and letting him explore his world and learn. This age goes by so fast you just cant imagine how fast it goes by.

For me, the time out was very sparingly used since it was my only means of serious discipline till my son was older.

Kimmo

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 01:51 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I haven't used timeouts yet with Rowan...Like Maris, I agree that it should be used for serious situations-- But also, when it's just me, Rowan and Daddy in the house, I don't think "time out" has the same impact as it would in a daycare or school situation, where "time out" means you're ostracized from your playmates, etc.

Rowan has been getting into the tree this year, too-- We did compromise by not putting up any unique/one-of-a-kind ornaments, just sets. When he started toward the tree, I said, "The tree is not for touching. You need to keep away from the tree. You can look at the tree, but no touching." Then we'll sit there and point out the colors, lights, and shapes on the tree.

Then, when he got close but didn't touch, I said, "Good job! Oh, I really like how you keep away from the tree. That really helps me. Thank you for not touching the tree!" Since the "Good job!", Rowan hasn't touched the tree (he did keep going back to the tree before that). That really showed me how much more effective positive reinforcement is.

One of Rowan's current phrases is "Keep away," so I think that probably helped, too.

Also, I wonder if the long countdown might seem kind of scary or anxiety-causing when it's combined with holding Dylan's arms down....You probably don't want Dylan to associate obeying you with avoiding punishment, or numbers with a sense of dread (if he hasn't learned them yet). The countdown is also focusing on the negative (since it counts down to the punishment); maybe you want the focus to be on him helping you by not touching the tree.

Danzdol

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 05:15 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I did try at first to let him touch some of the ornaments while I was there as I said "Nice" and "soft", but that turned into 3 broken ornaments because he slaps them. I only put non important ones in the bottom that I don't care if they get broken. He doesn't speak yet so I don't know how much he understands.

Don't get me wrong, half the time when I am putting him on timeout, I am trying to keep from smiling because he really is so cute trying to touch everything. I was just doing it to try and keep him away.

One of the reasons I started is because at home, we let him touch everything and walk on the sofa, etc... but then we go to other people's houses and naturally he wants to do the same thing. So I figured that we had to be consistent. If he cannot touch the tv at grandma's house then he cannot touch it at home either.

I also tried the approach on focusing on the positive where I cheer when he does something good like staying away. I too say "Good job" and then 2 seconds later he was reaching for the ornaments again......

So I am not quite sure where to go from here.

He is such a sweet boy and everything he does is very cute despite my saying "Don't touch" etc........He really does not misbehave at all.

My husband feels that until he talks there is little we can do to discipline his actions.

I read that it takes time and repetition for them to understand that he is not allowed to touch and that even if he doesnt follow it he eventually will. Then you have my in-laws saying that all of us were raised in houses where everything was always out and that we knew not to touch...

Kimmo

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 08:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Gee, that sounds frustrating for both you and Dylan. :( I was wondering from earlier posts how much he understands.

I was also trying to think of similar problems I had with Rowan around 18 months. He would always want to "play" with the cats ("patting" hard and swatting at them), so I just had to keep really close tabs and every time he came near the cat, warn, "Be gentle, no hitting," and demonstrate. But if he kept up with the hitting, I'd just take him away and make sure they stayed apart. I'd also explain, "Hitting hurts. Persis could get mad and give you an owie. That would hurt. That's dangerous."

I consistently used the words "dangerous" and "that could hurt" for anything that might potentially cause harm (lights, electric items/cords, breakables) so he could get the picture. Maybe explaining that would help?

But if Dylan really doesn't connect the words with meaning yet, then I'd agree with your husband and think the best solution is to just keep Dylan away from the tree. It might be a danger for Dylan to go near the tree if he doesn't understand why he shouldn't hit the ornaments.

Does he comply with "no touching" when he is at other people's homes? I agree it's something you learn, you don't automatically know what to touch and what not to, and how to touch. Those in-laws! I have a very annoying story related to touching and my mother-in-law that I will post later.

Enbwife

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 10:48 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Danz - I totally understand where you're at with Dylan. Nate is so naturally curious and active and into just about everything. I've begun some experimenting with the time-out but only with things that I seriously don't want him to touch like the stove, fireplace, etc. My friend was a daycare director for 10yrs and has a 9yr old girl so I listen to her on most things. She said at this age it's important to be very consistent and follow through on what you say, i.e. if you tell them not to touch the TV and they do, be prepared to get off your butt and move them away, don't just let it go after you've said it out loud. As far as time outs go, I warn Nate "no touch - that's 1", remove his hand and hold 1 finger up so he can see. If he touches again I say "that's 2" and hold 2 fingers up. If he goes again I say "that's 3, time out", show him 3 fingers then take him to a quiet spot away from all the toys, TV, chaos and sit with him for a minute. (1 minute per age of child they say). I can't put him down by himself because he'll just get up and run off. So he sits in my lap facing away from me so he can't see me and we just sit quietly. I tell him time out when I take him to the spot, but I don't speak at all during the sitting part. When we're done I say "time to go back and play". Joan said it's important not to face them and talk to them during time out because then they associate it with private mommy time and it's not doing much good. Also, don't say anything about the infraction after, just continue on in a positive way. I've found that sometimes I only have to get to the "that's 2" and he'll stop which is a huge improvement. Other days I have to do the time out a couple of times. I really try to choose my battles and am constantly rewarding good behaviour and showering him with love and attention just whenever so that he has lots of positive attention. He's such a sweet little boy. :)

Enbwife

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 10:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
One other thing, we too try to teach Nate not to jump on furniture, etc. so that he doesn't think he can do that at other peoples houses. I don't think they're too young to teach at this age... I know people that let their toddlers do whatever they wanted and had a horrible time trying to teach them later on. Just my opinion for what it's worth.

Brenda1966

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 11:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I think that putting a decorated tree in a child's home and then asking them not to touch it is really creating a battle that doesn't need to be fought. That said, I still tell my 23 month old "just look" and then she sticks the lights in her eye. LOL! She has many ornaments on the bottom that are hers to touch and even take off the tree and put back. I don't use hooks on them, I use string. Last year, when she was 11 months I put several of her toy rings on the tree and she loved taking them off and on.

I think you can use the TV and stove and other things to teach "no touch" to kids. A christmas tree is there for them to enjoy.

As for timeout -- I've read the initial intent from the "creator" of that method was that it wasn't a punishment, but more a way to get the kid out of the situation they were in and let them calm down. My daughter's school uses them so I do too at home, but mostly at a young age redirection works better. If they're touching the TV, tell them no touch and then direct them to something they can touch. I know you have to do it over and over and over and over and over!!! They learn it and then they hit the terrible twos and try testing it again...

Kimmo

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 11:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Lisa, thanks for describing your "timeout." I guess I have done the same thing (taken him away and held him facing out), just not called it a "timeout". And I don't do the counting, etc. So I guess it's just the actual timeout that I do! I agree with Brenda about it being to calm down, not punish, and redirecting works better.

I meant to suggest earlier, maybe if Dylan just wants to hit the ornaments and "play" with the tree, that he get a toy tree or be given something that is appropriate to hit (like a ball) so he can compare which is "good for hitting" and which is "not for hitting."

Kimmo

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 11:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
My mother-in-law tale:

It's not really a story, just an annoying thing that happened. She bought Rowan a miniature porcelain nativity set to *play with* at her house (she was too cheap to get an unbreakable type of set, such as resin).

So now every time he sees a nativity set at another person's house, he thinks it's okay to play with. UGH. That woman is so annoying.

Of course, when he comes home and sees our nativity (which is displayed on the mantel anyway), he says, "Play house!" And I say, "No, the nativity is not for playing at our house."

Then at my dad's house, their nativity is on the hearth, and Rowan walked over to it (Grammy hadn't set it up yet) and said, "Where's Joseph? Play house!" So I had to say, "No, the nativity is not for playing at Grammy and Grandpa's house. Just at Grandma's house."

It makes me sick to even say that-- I could say more. I think it is so idiotic that she "gave" him that nativity set! He would have appreciated her existing nativity just fine by looking at it. Ugh.

A nativity is not a dollhouse. She is a Sunday school teacher, couldn't she call the nativity, the nativity instead of a house? Ugh.

I don't want to talk to her and say, "Could you check with us before you buy something like the nativity?" She will get all "Oh!" like I mortally wounded her with my presumed paganism and then consdescend to me about how Rowan needs to be introduced to the meaning of Christmas-- And more! I find her so annoying.

Then she'll martyr herself and coo, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't buy any gifts for him on my own to have at my house." The nativity is just at her house, but I wish she hadn't gotten it, and what is she going to get next? Actually, I can't think of anything that compares to a nativity that she could get next, so maybe this is all moot.

Danzdol

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 12:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Never say never Kimmo, I am sure she will find something else. My MIL always finds something annoying to do as well!!!!!!

ENB- Well I like the facing him out part. I am going to that instead of facing him in and talking. I might be doing too much talking. It's true , I don't want him to associate "ooooh if I do this mommy comes and counts with me" because he loves when I count. His face lights up and he smiles and then it's even harder to keep a poker face.

With the tv, it's funny, he used to turn it off and on and then we got one of those clear covers and he could never do it again but now he moved on to another tv section that opens and it has the volume, channels, color, etc.... and that is what he is touching. Maybe I will move the clear cover over a bit so he cannot touch neither one.

He does LOVE to play with the tree. He put these small purple balls in his mouth and I almost fainted. I don't know what I was thinking. There are lots of things in my house like silks in glass containers that he never touches or even looks at so I figured that he would not touch the tree. I moved the purple ones up high and left the rest. Then he slapped a couple that shattered and broke and somehow one of my faves fell and broke (I was able to glue it back so it's no big deal and I guess it will be a war wound-every year when I put it up I will remember when he was little and broke it :))

Regarding the sofa, I always say "Dylan, sit" and take him from the standing position to the sitting one. Of course, he is so into his tv program that I don't think he notices that I do that........

Regarding the drawers- we bought these child locks but they were too small for my drawers. I just have to keep close tabs on himon that one. I always place his had with mine over it and I say " Close the drawer" and then he smiles and walks away.

:)

BTW Here is our Christmas card!!!!!!!!!!!

a

Brenda1966

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 12:52 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Dylan is a doll!!

Kimmo -- I love the Nativity story! Just yesterday my mom was telling me how she had a nativity that she thought about giving to my daughter, but would instead give it to her neice "because you probably wouldn't want her to have something like that". Her poor pagan granddaughter. LOL! My thought was: is it something she can play with? Because if it's just something to sit around and adore, then no we don't want it. :)

Kimmo

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 04:46 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Brenda-- Please, don't compliment me for my story, which embodies my negative attitude toward my MIL! :) I know my attitude is essentially wrong, but, gee. I wasn't raised religiously, but I do believe in God and respect the ideas of Christmas-- Ugh! I'm sure there must be some sort of safe, doll nativity set for small children. Who wants a 2-year old playing with porcelain "Holy Family" figures, it seems completely ridiculous.

I could go on, but I think I should move this topic to the "I need to vent!!!" thread :)

Danz-- What a cute card! Dylan looks so happy. I didn't even get around to getting photos done this season-- Maybe next month!