Archive through November 11, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: archive: Humorscopes (ARCHIVE): Archive through November 11, 2003

Nancy

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 - 04:25 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wednesday, October 22, 2003

"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better." -- Anon


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This is a good time to knock on wood. As you know, that's a way of thanking the leprechauns for your recent good fortune. Or if you can find some formica, knock on that - that thanks the mutant sludge creature who is hiding under the stairs. It all depends who you want on your side, I guess.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!

Nancy

Thursday, October 23, 2003 - 06:36 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thursday, October 23, 2003

Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Beware of clams, today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats." That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon." My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though.

Nancy

Friday, October 24, 2003 - 12:40 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
~~Humorscope Friday, October 24, 2003

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Nancy

Tuesday, October 28, 2003 - 03:03 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, October 28, 2003


The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


In an Acapulco hotel



Aries (March 21 - April 19)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)


Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Nancy

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 - 03:40 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Humorscope Wednesday, October 29, 2003

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.


Shirley MacLaine

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Nancy

Thursday, October 30, 2003 - 03:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thursday, October 30, 2003

"Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history." -

- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.

Nancy

Friday, October 31, 2003 - 01:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope Friday, October 31, 2003


"I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave." -- E. M. Forster, as a small child
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Nancy

Monday, November 03, 2003 - 03:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, November 3, 2003

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

Nancy

Tuesday, November 04, 2003 - 03:14 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, November 4, 2003 "If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." -- Vince Lombardi

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Nancy

Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 11:25 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Humorscope of November 5, 2003

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.

Nancy

Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 03:15 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, November 6, 2003

"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston Churchill

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.

Nancy

Friday, November 07, 2003 - 11:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, November 7, 2003 I went to the doctor today. Apparently I'm so diseased they're going to have to amputate my entire body! There'll be nothing left!

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.

Nancy

Monday, November 10, 2003 - 03:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
!The Daily Humorscope November 10, 2003

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you will see why.
Mignon McLaughlin


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Bad day to tease a yak.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."

Nancy

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 03:12 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Love thy neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood.
Louise Beal


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.

Nancy

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 03:21 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
i'm just curious if people read this--i get very little feedback and don't know whether to continue or not..

Wargod

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 03:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Nancy, I apologize..I read these everyday and crack up, I love them, but don't think to post here cuz I don't want to get in the way of the humorscopes. If you want to continue posting them, all I can say is please, please, please do. They're usually my first laugh of the day.

Tess

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 03:39 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Nancy dear, I quoted you last night over in Juju's folder. I figured she'd better know if a one legged man and an aligator were following her around Cyprus!!

I don't post alot these days except to leave an update for Juju since she's away and to take care of the Trivia thread and wish people happy birthday but I do read alot and really appreciate the time it takes to do these and your sweet nature and good humor.

{{{{Nancy}}}}

Draheid

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 03:45 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Nancy: I read them every single day and truly enjoy them. Check your member folder for a little 'story' about one recently.

Heyltslori

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:07 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Nancy...I read them every day too, and I share them with my brother and sister! Thank you so much for doing this!! :)

Gidget

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Love 'em Nancy. You are a dear to post for us everyday.

Lancecrossfire

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 05:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Nancy, not only do I read it everyday, I also send it to at least one person--usually more each day you post it. I know I don't chime in and say thank you enough eaither--my apologies for not saying anything lately. As long as you post it, I'll be reading it and sending it to friends here at work!:)

Nancy

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 06:09 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
ok--you convinced me i'll keep posting them :)

Squaredsc

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 06:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
nancy i also read them. but i do just skip down to my sign. so plz continue with them as they are greatly appreciated.

Grannyg

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 06:46 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Nancy, I also read them every day. Please don't stop. They really are very much appreciated.

Spygirl

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 09:36 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL - even though you are already convinced, I wanted to tell you that I read them everyday you post them as well. Thank you!!!