Archive through September 11, 2003
TV ClubHouse: Archive: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES):
Archive through September 11, 2003
Nancy | Thursday, August 07, 2003 - 09:27 am     !! HUMORSCOPE for Thursday, August 7, 2003 Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. |
Nancy | Friday, August 08, 2003 - 09:38 am     Friday, August 8, 2003 "The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Nancy | Monday, August 11, 2003 - 10:31 am     Monday, August 11, 2003 O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?" Taurus (April 20 - May 20) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. |
Nancy | Tuesday, August 12, 2003 - 04:17 am     Tuesday, August 12, 2003 Stop: Drive Sideways. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of rodents. |
Nancy | Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 04:31 am     Wednesday, August 13, 2003 If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal. Jimmy Hill - BBC ---------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. |
Nancy | Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 05:49 am     Thursday, August 14, 2003 Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditional -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Leo (July 23 - August 22) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles." Libra (September 22 - October 22) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... |
Nancy | Friday, August 15, 2003 - 08:03 am     Friday, August 15, 2003 How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.# Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River." Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... |
Nancy | Monday, August 18, 2003 - 09:20 am     !!Humorscope Monday, August 18, 2003 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent. |
Nancy | Tuesday, August 19, 2003 - 05:09 am     !! Humorscope for Tuesday, August 19, 2003 Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. In a Rhodes Tailor shop -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight." You should be ashamed of yourself. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Continue hiding. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...) |
Nancy | Wednesday, August 20, 2003 - 11:53 am     Wednesday, August 20, 2003 "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. |
Nancy | Thursday, August 21, 2003 - 04:29 pm     Thursday, August 21, 2003 "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) ================================================== Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. Libra (September 22 - October 22) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!" Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat." |
Nancy | Friday, August 22, 2003 - 12:29 pm     Friday, August 22, 2003 Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist? Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it "hubcaps." This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care. |
Nancy | Monday, August 25, 2003 - 08:41 am     Monday, August 25, 2003 "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Hide. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day for a nice nap. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Libra (September 22 - October 22) You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign. |
Nancy | Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 09:42 am     Humorscope for Tuesday, 08/26/03 Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) |
Nancy | Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 04:29 am     Humorscope Wed, August 27, 2003 Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. -- Mark Twain ------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter. You'll forget all about this when you take your reading glasses off, however. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr." |
Nancy | Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 03:33 pm     Thursday, August 28, 2003 Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger: roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. On the menu of a Polish hotel ============================================== Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt). Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. |
Nancy | Friday, August 29, 2003 - 09:11 am     Humorscope for Aug. 29,2003 Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy." Tomorrow's better, for that one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter. |
Nancy | Tuesday, September 02, 2003 - 02:43 pm     Tuesday, September 2, 2003 "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Elanor Roosevelt -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze." You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Nancy | Wednesday, September 03, 2003 - 02:33 pm     ~Humorscope September 3, 2003 "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field. |
Nancy | Thursday, September 04, 2003 - 09:10 am     Thursday, September 4, 2003 We take your bags and send them in all directions. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight! Libra (September 22 - October 22) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off. |
Nancy | Friday, September 05, 2003 - 10:18 am     Friday, September 5, 2003 Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all. Sam Ewing Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:." Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of poltergeists, today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) |
Nancy | Monday, September 08, 2003 - 02:58 pm     Monday, September 8, 2003 "Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven." Humor them -- act impressed. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of iguanas, today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Bring extra. You'll need it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. |
Nancy | Tuesday, September 09, 2003 - 10:08 am     Tuesday, September 9, 2003 There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it. Monta Crane -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of Doug. . Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight." |
Nancy | Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 03:56 pm     ~Humorscope Wednesday, September 10, 2003 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead. |
Nancy | Thursday, September 11, 2003 - 04:22 am     Thursday, September 11, 2003 We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of galoots, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers. |
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