Archive through August 06, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through August 06, 2003

Nancy

Friday, July 04, 2003 - 05:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Friday, July 4, 2003

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.

Nancy

Monday, July 07, 2003 - 06:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
!! Humorscope for Monday, July 7, 2003

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat." -- P. J. O'Rourke


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.

Nancy

Tuesday, July 08, 2003 - 01:06 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde
Tuesday, July 8, 2003
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent." -- Friedrich Nietzsche


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will soon learn to fear and loath the
word "diaper". Don't know why.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Nancy

Wednesday, July 09, 2003 - 02:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde


Wednesday, July 9, 2003
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." -- Woody Allen


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a "bludgeoning".

Nancy

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - 06:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Horoscope of July 10, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Continue hiding.

Nancy

Friday, July 11, 2003 - 04:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Friday, July 11, 2003

Special today - no ice cream


In a Swiss mountain inn
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.

Nancy

Monday, July 14, 2003 - 01:21 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Horoscope of July 14, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Nancy

Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 10:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
"Living in a vacuum sucks." -- Adrienne E. Gusoff


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Hide.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment,
they'll be laughing outright.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Nancy

Thursday, July 17, 2003 - 04:42 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Horoscope of July 16, 2003:


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle". Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Nancy

Thursday, July 17, 2003 - 04:48 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Humorscope Thursday, July 17, 2003

I want to say something, but I have nothing to say. So I'll keep my mouth shut.

Alex Tan


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.




Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes". Or, in this case, wheezes.



Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Nancy

Friday, July 18, 2003 - 09:50 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Horoscope of July 18, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium". Don't take it lightly.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Nancy

Monday, July 21, 2003 - 10:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Monday, July 21, 2003
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.


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Nancy

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 - 10:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Humorscope of July 23, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad". It's something to do.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Nancy

Thursday, July 24, 2003 - 03:30 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
!! Humorscope for Thursday, July 24, 2003

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brook Shields
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour". The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.

Nancy

Friday, July 25, 2003 - 12:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Friday, July 25, 2003
To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.

Robert Schumann musician jokes


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Nancy

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 - 12:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde


Tuesday, July 29, 2003
A leapord never changes his stripes.

Al Gore


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Nancy

Wednesday, July 30, 2003 - 09:41 am EditMoveDeleteIP
!!Humorscope for Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Not to perambulate the corridor in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

In an Austrian hotel catering for skiers

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to doodle.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

<Mod (22)>

Nancy

Thursday, July 31, 2003 - 09:19 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Thanks MOD 22 :)

Nancy

Thursday, July 31, 2003 - 09:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde

Thursday, July 31, 2003


Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

At a Budapest zoo


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)


You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full".


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)



Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.



Gemini (May 21 - June 20)


This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)


Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.



Leo (July 23 - August 22)


You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?



Virgo (August 23 - September 22)


Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.



Libra (September 22 - October 22)


Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.



Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)


Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.



Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)


Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)


You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)


Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.



Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Nancy

Friday, August 01, 2003 - 11:43 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Humorscope of August 1, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.

Nancy

Saturday, August 02, 2003 - 11:53 am EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde


Saturday, August 2, 2003
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
\
Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?

Nancy

Monday, August 04, 2003 - 09:17 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Humorscope of August 3, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This might be a good time to learn how to really "flick" your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I'm betting it's soon, though, in your case.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.

Nancy

Monday, August 04, 2003 - 09:30 am EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde


Monday, August 4, 2003
I'm not afraid of work... I can even sleep beside it.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing". Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Beware of clams, today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Nancy

Tuesday, August 05, 2003 - 06:00 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde


Tuesday, August 5, 2003
You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

Joe E. Lewis


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Nancy

Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 03:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Wednesday, August 6, 2003

A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You'll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get "the yank".


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

ou will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it "hubcaps". This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.



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