Archive through July 01, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: archive: 2003 June - July: JOKES (ARCHIVE): Archive through July 01, 2003

Wink

Wednesday, April 16, 2003 - 08:13 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. He freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks! . The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells!

"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

Lizadee

Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 06:10 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Wink, that was cute LOL

Here's one I just rec'd this morning

Subject:Terroist Apprehended
(Some humor to make your day pass a little easier)

We've just been notified by security that there have been 6 suspected terroist working out of your office five of the six have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,Bin Loafin,Bin Goofin,Bin Lunchin and Bin drinking have been taken into custody.
Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member,Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
And you are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Spygirl

Saturday, April 19, 2003 - 12:54 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes
and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but why have you only ordered water all evening?"


Hold on to your seat...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

image

Strawberry

Saturday, April 19, 2003 - 01:18 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
ROTFL good one Spy...I liked that one :)

Babyruth

Friday, April 25, 2003 - 07:07 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
mednews

Sia

Friday, April 25, 2003 - 08:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
ROTFL, Babyruth!!! Thanks for sharing that!!

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were
lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large
pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it
in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one apple;
God is watching."


Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies...

One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he
placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all the cookies you want;
God is watching the apples."

Nanarobin

Sunday, April 27, 2003 - 10:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
THINGS THAT MAKE YA GO HMMMMMMM:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days...
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Sia

Monday, April 28, 2003 - 05:07 am EditMoveDeleteIP
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment. The next
week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to
Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM."


The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when
he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

(SOME MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS!)

Aunt_Bob

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 - 12:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
typo

Draheid

Friday, May 02, 2003 - 03:16 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I was happy.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me. This always made me feel flattered but a little uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So, before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What would I say?

I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house and headed for my car.

There was my future father-in-law standing outside!

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!!!"

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Sawheel17

Friday, May 02, 2003 - 03:22 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Omg, Dra, I can't stop laughing. I've GOt to call my sister on this one!!ROFLMAO!!

Nanarobin

Sunday, May 04, 2003 - 11:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
MEDICAL WONDER in the ER
I worked in large ER in southern Ohio, one day we had a 79 yr old man brought in by his wife, he was pale, weak and diaphoretic. Looking very much like someone with cardiac problems, the triage nurse immediately brought him back to our cardiac room. We had the wife wait in the waiting room until we got him settled in. He was insisting that his wife not be allowed back with him.

As we were assessing the patient, asking the normal questions, he told us that he did not have chest pain nor any cardiac history. He told us not to tell his wife the source of his problem was. 2 days prior he wanted to celebrate their wedding anniversary with a little loving and being unable to get an erection (no v*iagra back then), he inserted a pencil into his p*enis--thinking it would help him to please his wife. It didn't really work. When he tried to remove it, the pencil broke in half.

Too embarrassed to tell his wife what he had done, he just left it in. He was suffering from a severe infection and had to go to the OR to have the pencil removed.

AND.... we did have to tell his wife....

PENcil...PEN*is. I can see the confusion....!!!???

Sia

Sunday, May 04, 2003 - 12:48 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. They are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decide to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. Safely home, she counts the money: fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but does either of you know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"

Received from John in College Station, TX.

Sia

Thursday, May 08, 2003 - 07:53 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hot Flashes:

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their
50th wedding anniversary.

"You know" she said, "We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from
each other 50 years ago."

"Yea" he said, "But we were probably naked."

"So let's get naked now" she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

"You know" she said smiling lovingly "My body feels just as hot for you
today as it did 50 years ago."

He replied "I'm sure it does - one of your boobs is in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."

Essence

Tuesday, May 13, 2003 - 12:26 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I don't know if this was posted here earlier, but I thought it was cute...


You may have seen this before but just in case...If you have raised
kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! If it isn't true, it should be.

Received from mother-of-four:

Overview: My son's hamster just got back from the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again, I think with the more sarcasm.)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I
suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie IS a boy."

"What?" we gasped in confusion.

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

The wife's assessment:

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks...
Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's tiny wacker........Priceless!

Sia

Tuesday, May 13, 2003 - 07:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Essence, I about woke my kids up because I was laughing so loud at your post!! Thanks for sharing!!
hamster

Lizadee

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 - 12:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
All right let me try this one
Looks like my other one didn't even get modded it got deleted
It wasn't that bad was it ??



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.


"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Marysafan

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 - 03:44 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Little Boy Makes His Grandmother Coffee

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict.

The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in
the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

Essence

Thursday, May 15, 2003 - 10:21 am EditMoveDeleteIP
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.  Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR Department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.  Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.  "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.  When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"  The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.  I was just planning to support your daughter.  The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers took up the collection.  When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy.  I'm under five."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.  "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."  The grandmother was curious.  "What trick is that?" she asked.  "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.
 

Lizadee

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 - 06:59 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
>He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
>his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
>After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
>
>"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
>
>Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry
>home right away!"
>
>"Why?" his father asked.
>
>"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he
>wants to buy Mom!"

Nanarobin

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 - 01:24 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
THE INFAMOUS YEAST ROLL INCIDENT!!!!!

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like the child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of no discipline, I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200.

But I digress. Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of drunk friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was however assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole damn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30pm. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality.

He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black,white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves. Well, the damn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch (10 to 15 minute drive).

Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP.These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in her garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen unbaked yeast rolls you might as well have put a concrete block up my ass but alas, a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his"packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part.

The blast of water from the hose hit the shit on the floor and the shit on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally resorted to scooping it up with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the damn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear, I presume.

I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.

If any of you have a suggestion as to how I can remove unbaked dough from carpeting I would certainly appreciate your feedback

Jmm

Wednesday, June 04, 2003 - 08:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Babyruth

Thursday, June 05, 2003 - 06:55 am EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL Jmm!

Essence

Wednesday, June 18, 2003 - 06:40 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I thought this was cute.

Missy
======

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through, don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats.

When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry, only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any.

The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine,

I'm Missy.

Grannyg

Tuesday, July 01, 2003 - 08:17 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Got this today and just thought I was having a bad day.

HAVING A BAD DAY? READ ON...

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about
11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

When the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday cleaner, entered the ward and ! unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

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STILL HAVING A BAD DAY? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

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STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


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YOURS IS STILL A BAD DAY, HUH ? Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

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WHAT ? STILL THINK YOUR DAY IS BAD? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

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THERE NOW - FEELING BETTER?