Archive through July 03, 2003
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TV ClubHouse: archive: 2003 June - July: Humorscopes (ARCHIVE): Archive through July 03, 2003

Nancy

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 - 03:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Nancy

Thursday, May 22, 2003 - 12:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Thursday, May 22, 2003

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." -- Mark Twain


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Nancy

Friday, May 23, 2003 - 10:07 am EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde

Friday, May 23, 2003
"Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come." -- Nietchze


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Nancy

Tuesday, May 27, 2003 - 04:32 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to sneak. .

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun

Nancy

Thursday, May 29, 2003 - 09:25 am EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde


Thursday, May 29, 2003
"I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency." -- Anon., French slogan


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Nancy

Friday, May 30, 2003 - 07:26 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
♦ Humorscope for Friday, May 30, 2003

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy." -- J.D. Salinger


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to fritter things away.

Nancy

Monday, June 02, 2003 - 05:10 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde

Monday, June 02, 2003
Having a wonderful time, glad you're not here.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you,
\today. C'est la vie, non?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. \

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy". \

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour". The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.

Nancy

Tuesday, June 03, 2003 - 07:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Beware of Doug.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line

Nancy

Thursday, June 05, 2003 - 11:38 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Humorscope Thursday, June 05, 2003

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." -- Woody Allen

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce". You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.

Nancy

Friday, June 06, 2003 - 07:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Friday, June 06, 2003

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power". You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Nancy

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 - 11:32 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, June 10, 2003

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you will see why.

Mignon McLaughlin


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. \
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.

Nancy

Thursday, June 12, 2003 - 09:22 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Humorscope Thursday, June 12, 2003

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." -- Anon


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)


Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical
matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Nancy

Friday, June 13, 2003 - 08:17 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Humorscope Friday, June 13, 2003

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbeaable.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.

Nancy

Monday, June 23, 2003 - 10:46 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Monday, June 23, 2003

If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said "Less is more." He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Heyltslori

Monday, June 23, 2003 - 11:53 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Yay! Good to have you back Nancy!! :)

Nancy

Tuesday, June 24, 2003 - 06:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Swami X


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.)

Nancy

Wednesday, June 25, 2003 - 11:05 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be "Have you ever thought much about death?" or "Where's the strangest place you ever had sex?".

Nancy

Monday, June 30, 2003 - 03:31 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Humoroscope of June 26, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive". You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Nancy

Monday, June 30, 2003 - 03:33 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
daily Humorscope for June 27th, 2003

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.

Nancy

Monday, June 30, 2003 - 03:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Horoscope of June 28, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down".

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.

Nancy

Monday, June 30, 2003 - 03:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Horoscope of June 29, 2003:


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse

Nancy

Monday, June 30, 2003 - 03:40 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Daily Horoscope of June 30, 2003:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bad day to tease a yak.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy candles that you see in gift stores. Try "Love" or "Inspiration" for example. (Avoid "Death" or "Decay".)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Nancy

Tuesday, July 01, 2003 - 09:42 am EditMoveDeleteIP
** HUMORSCOPE: Tuesday, July 1, 2003

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone.

Nancy

Wednesday, July 02, 2003 - 03:47 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde

Wednesday, July 2, 2003
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -- Dave Barry


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery

Nancy

Thursday, July 03, 2003 - 10:59 am EditMoveDeleteIP
** Humorscope Thursday, July 3, 2003


"I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them." -- H. L. Mencken


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.