Archive through March 14, 2003
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Humorscopes (ARCHIVES):
Archive through March 14, 2003
Nancy | Tuesday, February 11, 2003 - 10:35 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, February 11, 2003 If you don't die from it - it is healthy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day for a nice nap. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Libra (September 22 - October 22) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. |
Nancy | Friday, February 14, 2003 - 06:06 am     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, February 14, 2003 Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditional -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. |
Nancy | Monday, February 17, 2003 - 03:54 am     Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. Leo (July 23 - August 22) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work |
Nancy | Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 07:25 am     Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. Leo (July 23 - August 22) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. Libra (September 22 - October 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze". You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)... |
Nancy | Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 05:33 am     Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics". Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd). Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. |
Nancy | Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 05:33 am     humm imagining my boss with a ferret on his head as i go into a meeting with him--LOL |
Nancy | Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 08:20 am     Daily Horoscope of February 19, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics". Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd). Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. |
Nancy | Friday, February 21, 2003 - 04:55 am     Daily Horoscope of February 21, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!". Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. |
Nancy | Monday, February 24, 2003 - 05:02 am     Daily Horoscope of February 24, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair". Libra (September 22 - October 22) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!" Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon". My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. |
Nancy | Tuesday, February 25, 2003 - 07:16 am     Daily Horoscope of February 25, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. |
Nancy | Thursday, February 27, 2003 - 07:46 am     Daily Horoscope of February 27, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight". Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... |
Nancy | Monday, March 03, 2003 - 05:49 am     Daily Horoscope of March 3, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. |
Nancy | Monday, March 03, 2003 - 06:09 am     Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! |
Jmm | Monday, March 03, 2003 - 07:50 pm     Nancy, I've never taken a minute to thank you for the humorscopes, but I truly enjoy reading them.
Jackie |
Lancecrossfire | Monday, March 03, 2003 - 08:31 pm     Nancy, I knwo I don't say thank you every day--just once in awhile do I say something about the posts you make each day. I read every one of them and enjoy them a lot--and often send them to others. Thanks for keeping up with this! |
Nancy | Tuesday, March 04, 2003 - 05:53 am     Daily Horoscope of March 4, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?" Leo (July 23 - August 22) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? Libra (September 22 - October 22) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!". Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. |
Nancy | Thursday, March 06, 2003 - 10:10 am     Daily Humorscope of March 6, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive! Leo (July 23 - August 22) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry? Libra (September 22 - October 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant. |
Nancy | Thursday, March 06, 2003 - 10:11 am     Forgot yesterday's Daily Horoscope of March 5, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!") Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!" Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven". Humor them -- act impressed. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? |
Nancy | Friday, March 07, 2003 - 09:54 am     Daily Horoscope of March 7, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it". Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of clams, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. |
Nancy | Saturday, March 08, 2003 - 09:56 am     Daily Humorscope of March 8, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of iguanas, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. |
Nancy | Monday, March 10, 2003 - 06:44 am     Daily Humorscope of March 10, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of galoots, today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Avoid yodelling today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help). Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate |
Nancy | Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 07:15 am     Daily Humorscope of March 11, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours. |
Nancy | Wednesday, March 12, 2003 - 08:40 am     ♣ Daily Humorscope for March 12, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie". While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... |
Nancy | Thursday, March 13, 2003 - 01:54 pm     Daily Humorscope for March 13, 2003 "I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave." -- E. M. Forster, as a small child -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day for a nice nap. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Leo (July 23 - August 22) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end". Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. |
Nancy | Friday, March 14, 2003 - 05:47 am     Daily Humorscope For March 14,2003 I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes". Or, in this case, wheezes. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week. Leo (July 23 - August 22) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight". You should be ashamed of yourself. |
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