Archive through October 24, 2002
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 April: JOKES (ARCHIVES): Archive through October 24, 2002

Wiseolowl

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 03:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Lumbele Thanks for the suggestion why didn't I a guy think of that ha ha If anybody has some specificvs let me know

Sia

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 03:38 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Could you relate some humorous stories about your son's childhood? Do you know any amusing anecdotes from their dating history that could be repeated in front of such an assemblage of people without causing undue embarrassment? Could you ask the bride's mother for childhood photos and display them side-by-side to show the two as they grew up. If they're about the same age, I'd put the photos side-by-side for the major milestones: birth, one year, kindergarten, etc. If the bride and groom are not at all close in age, I'd juxtapose photos of them taken in the same year to contrast the age difference. Example: when my husband was a senior in high school, I was in the eighth grade--although we didn't know each other, but it would be interesting to see those pictures together.

Whit4you

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 03:53 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wise - it'd be really handy to get a 'joke list' of "things a newly married man should know" .... and I think whatever you do decide to use as jokes you should run by some folks first (like us) to get feedback to make sure nobody would be offended... basically any jokes re him knowing the woman is always right...type of jokes would be good. And how about "I know my son is good marriage material because ______" (try and think of funny things he's done in his life that'd fit in here... like "He knows the difference between a dishwasher and a wshing machine"

Might be good to do this in it's own thread though - get more feedback that way

Wiseolowl

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 10:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
All of you thanks very much - am now getting kind of excited about this whereas before was kind of dreading it. Have gotten some very good advice and suggestions.

Sia

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 04:24 am EditMoveDeleteIP
> > 25 Signs that you have grown up:
> >
> > 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
> >
> > 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
> >
> > 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
> >
> > 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
> >
> > 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
> >
> > 6. You watch the Weather Channel.
> >
> > 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
> >
> > 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
> >
> > 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
> >
> > 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door
> > won't turn own the stereo.
> >
> > 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
> >
> > 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
> >
> > 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
> >
> > 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
> >
> > 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
> >
> > 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
> >
> > 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
> > one.
> >
> > 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
> > rather than settle, your stomach.
> >
> > 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
> > and pregnancy tests.
> >
> > 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
> >
> > 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
> >
> > 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
> > to drink that much again."
> >
> > 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
> >
> > 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
> >
> > 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
> > doesn't apply to you.
> >
> >
>

Stardog

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 04:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
A Rushed Marriage

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about
each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board
and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

Aunt_Bob

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 04:32 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
For those who don't know Jack Schitt

Lately, I've noticed that people are always saying to me, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Well, I finally got tired of hearing this so I decided to do some research. Jack Schitt is the only son of O.Schitt and his wife, Aw Schitt. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Aw who later ran the Knee Deep Inn. The Schitts lived beside a creek that wound through their property, which was named Schitt Creek. Not much is known about O. Schitt's parents, except that they lived further up Schitt Creek, beside the fertilizer plant. To get to the old home place, you have to go by boat using a pole for propulsion, because there is no paddle. O's dad, Dam Schitt, was married to a fine lady named Luck, who was nicknamed Lucky.
Therefore, O. Schitt became the first Schitt outta Luck. Jack Schitt married his high school sweetheart, Noe and they had six children. Sadly, their first child, Holy, passed on shortly after birth. Next came two sons, Deep and Dip. Later came their daughters, Giva and Fulla. When Deep Schitt grew up, he married an had a son Dumb (a high school drop-out).
Deep's brother, Dip Schitt and Dip's wife, Lotta, gave birth to a son whom they named Chicken. Fulla Schitt married one of the Happens boys, and chose to hyphenate her last name, thus the Schitt-Happens side of the family.
Giva Schitt never married, but has three sons, Dawg, Byrd, and Bull Schitt. Bull Schitt married a spicy number named Pisa, and Bull and Pisa Schitt are now awaiting the birth of their first child, Little Schitt! And that is the family tree. Now when someone tells you, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can say, "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but I know the whole damn family!"

Suitsmefine

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 04:48 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
AUNT_ BOB!!!!! THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!! I will be roflmao for aLONG time so just kick me if I get in the way!!!

Twinkie

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 05:44 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Wise, make sure you tell your son the 2 most important words a man can know (according to my DH). Yes Dear. LOL

Twinkie

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 05:45 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Aunt_Bob that was hilarious!!!!

Draheid

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 07:50 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Another in the line of Aunt_Bob's stories.
In the Beginning were the Assumptions
And then came the Plan
And the Assumptions were without Form, and Void
And the Plan was completely without Substance
And Darkness was upon the Face of the workers
And they spake amongst Themselves, saying
“It is a Crock of Sh!t, and it Stinketh.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
“It is a Pail Of Dung, and none may Abide by it.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
“It is a container of Excrement and it is very Strong,
Such that none may Abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
“It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may Abide its Strength.”
And the Directors spake amongst Themselves, saying one to Another,
“It contains that which aids Growth, and it is very Strong.”
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
“It promotes Growth and is very Powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
“This Powerful new Plan will promote Growth and Efficiency.”
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was Good, and the Plan became Policy.
This is how Sh!t Happens.

Suitsmefine

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 08:07 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
GOOD ONE, Draheid!!!!

Sia

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 09:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Men Vs. Women (How to take a shower like a man vs. how to take a shower like a woman)

How to take a shower like a man:


| l. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
| bed and leave them in a pile.
| 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your
| girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her while making the
| "woo-woo" sound.
| 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck
| in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your
| weiner in the mirror, scratch your ball$.
| 4. Get in the shower.
| 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
| 6. Wash your face.
| 7. Wash your armpits.
| 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
| 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
| 10. Wash your @$$, leaving hair on the soap bar.
| 11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
| 12. Make a shampoo-Mohawk.
| 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in
| the mirror.
| 14. Pee (in the shower)
| 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice
| water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging
| out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
| 16. Partially dry off.
| 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
| Admire weiner size.
| 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the
| floor.
| 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
| 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
| If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel,
| grab your weiner, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis
| at her.
| 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get
| dressed.
|
|
How To Shower Like A Woman:

|
| 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
| hamper, sorting into lights and darks.
| 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
| see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
| exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
| 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and
| stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine
| even more about how you're getting fat.
| 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth,
| leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
| 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey
| shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
| 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey
| shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
| 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
| conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on
| hair for 15 minutes.
| 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
| 10 minutes until red and raw.
| 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
| Cake body wash.
| 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least
| fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all
| come off).
| 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini
| area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
| 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes
| the toilet and you lose all cold water.
| 13. Turn off shower.
| 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold
| spots with Tilex.
| 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
| small European country. Wrap hair in super- absorbent
| second towel.
| 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
| Attack zit with nails/tweezers if found.
| 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
| towel on head.
| 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way,
| cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend
| an hour and a half getting dressed.

Sia

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 09:15 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
As man is out driving along a back country highway
and passes a sign which reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES.

He thinks that it was a figment of his imagination and
drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES.

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives a little
farther on and sure enough, there is a third sign:

SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot he
sees a somber stone building with a sign on the
door that reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION.

He climbs the steps, rings the bell and the door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks,
"What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs posted while I was driving along
the highway and so I was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," she says.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon
he is very disoriented. The nun stops in front of a
closed door and tells the man,

"Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told and this door is opened
by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin
cup. This nun instructs:

"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway and
close the door behind you."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots
eagerly down the hallway and slips through the door,
pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back out in the parking lot, and facing
another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been scr3wed by the
Sisters of Mercy."

Aunt_Bob

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 09:33 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Glad ya'll liked it.

Thanks Draheid...that cleared up a lot of things I always wondered about... stu

Aunt_Bob

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 10:23 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Texan Emergency First Aid

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "That gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

The Texan ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldn't swallow. Then, the Texan asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she motioned that she couldn't breathe.

With that, the Texan yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her butt.
The young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began breathing on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

*apologies to all my fellow tvch'ers:: from Texas...You can fill in any state you want.*

Draheid

Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 05:54 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Another possible explanation for you Aunt_Bob. Here is a memorandum I once saw being passed around:

TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Special High Intensity Training
DATE: Any Time


In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all of our employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the country.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly well trained and well qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) program.

If you have further questions pleaes address them to our Head of Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)

Thank you.

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S. With the personality some of you show around here you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming. (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)

Aunt_Bob

Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 10:21 am EditMoveDeleteIP
This is an old one... but still funny during this time of the year...
(and I’m dedicating this to TheOwl)

The Third Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on the following rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he
continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Al Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, your rebuttal.

George Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Jim Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Governor Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

George Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Al Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Jim Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Al Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the
federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush?

George Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Route 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Jim Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Al Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

George Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Jim Lehrer: Good night.

Djgirl5235

Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 12:25 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Here's one that I was emailed today that had me spitting my coffee all over my desk:

The Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year, and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was longer than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!!!


Now you can see why I am proud to be Canadian!!!

Zachsmom

Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 12:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL Djgirl!!!!


* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to
the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your
taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what
happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted
to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only
cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will
soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when
stale.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home
from the market is hidden at the bottom ! of the grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go
unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the
parking lot.

Aunt_Bob

Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 10:12 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
DJgirl:...that was too funny! Unfortunately, I have to be very careful which friends I share that with!!! ss

Zachsmom...my favorite: *Miller's Law of Insurance!!! I'm telling you . . .

Sia

Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 03:48 am EditMoveDeleteIP
A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling
and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car
come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and
closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the
wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road
and saw a curve coming his way.

Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He
hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the
curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the
wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand
appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to
the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina
and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A
silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was
crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same
cantina, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the
character who climbed into the car while we were pushing!"

-received from Steven C. Sanderson via GCFL

Deedee

Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 11:36 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I WANT TO BE A BEAR
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself
stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the
size of walnuts) while
you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could
definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who
bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you
swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup..... I wanna be a bear.

Bbfreak

Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 01:14 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A Little girl was waiting for her grandfather to get a haircut at the barber shop. She stood near the chair happily eating her snack cake.
The barber said "Honey, be careful, you are going to get hair on your twinky."
The little girl replied, "Yep, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Sia

Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 04:13 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Bbfreak, my Dad used to tell that one just a little differently: a little girl was waiting in the barbershop for Dad to have his hair cut and was given a sucker by the barber. After tasting it, she accidentally dropped it on the floor, whereupon the barber said, "Awww, you've got hair on your lollipop."

The little girl replied, "Tee-hee-hee, and I'm only nine years old."