Archive through May 19, 2003
TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 May:
Humorscopes (ARCHIVES):
Archive through May 19, 2003
Nancy | Wednesday, April 16, 2003 - 07:29 am     Humorscope for April 16, 2003 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. Lazarus Long -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of rodents. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to fritter things away. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut. |
Nancy | Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 05:57 am     Thursday, April 17, 2003 What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to mumble. |
Nancy | Friday, April 18, 2003 - 09:49 am     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, April 18, 2003 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) |
Nancy | Monday, April 21, 2003 - 10:12 am     Humorscope for Monday, April 21, 2003 The loss of life will be irreplaceable. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake --------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?". Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary |
Nancy | Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 06:44 am     Humorscope for Tuesday, April 22, 2003 Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. In a Tokyo hotel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to act extremely childish. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bring extra. You'll need it. |
Squaredsc | Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 08:34 am     nancy, thanks for all of your hard work on this thread. im loving it. |
Cyn | Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 09:34 am     NANCY!!! love your effort! |
Nancy | Wednesday, April 23, 2003 - 07:56 am     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, April 23, 2003 "Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." -- Robert Benchley -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids." Leo (July 23 - August 22) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of iguanas, today. |
Nancy | Thursday, April 24, 2003 - 09:42 am     Humorscope for Thursday, April 24, 2003 Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to mumble. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?" Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bring extra. You'll need it |
Nancy | Monday, April 28, 2003 - 05:18 am     ♦ Humorscope for Monday, April 28, 2003 Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power". You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. |
Nancy | Tuesday, April 29, 2003 - 05:19 am     Tuesday, April 29, 2003 "Ninety percent of everything is crap." -- Theodore Sturgeon Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down". Libra (September 22 - October 22) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. |
Nancy | Wednesday, April 30, 2003 - 06:14 am     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, April 30, 2003 Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!". Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. |
Nancy | Thursday, May 01, 2003 - 09:38 am     Humorscope for Thursday, May 01, 2003 Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. |
Nancy | Friday, May 02, 2003 - 06:19 am     Friday, May 02, 2003 Special today - no ice cream In a Swiss mountain inn -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. |
Nancy | Tuesday, May 06, 2003 - 09:18 am     Daily Horoscope of May 5, 2003: Sign up for our FREE EMAIL LIST to get our horoscopes in your email. Your Email: Our Privacy Guarantee Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of celery. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet". You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On". That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. |
Nancy | Tuesday, May 06, 2003 - 09:21 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, May 06, 2003 People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. |
Nancy | Wednesday, May 07, 2003 - 08:02 am     Wednesday, May 07, 2003 "I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?" -- Ronnie Shakes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!" Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague. |
Nancy | Thursday, May 08, 2003 - 10:01 am     Humorscope for Thursday, May 08, 2003 "The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." -- James B. Cabell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze". You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. |
Nancy | Friday, May 09, 2003 - 06:51 am     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, May 09, 2003 "Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?" -- Tom Stoppard, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. . Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!" |
Sawheel17 | Friday, May 09, 2003 - 09:46 am     Thanks again Nancy. Love all your threads! You are too cool!! |
Nancy | Monday, May 12, 2003 - 09:35 am     Humorscope for Monday, May 12, 2003 This is a one line proof...... if we start sufficiently far to the left. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?". Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. |
Nancy | Wednesday, May 14, 2003 - 09:46 am     Wednesday, May 14, 2003 " -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Avoid yodelling today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt). Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable". |
Nancy | Thursday, May 15, 2003 - 09:11 am     Thursday, May 15, 2003 Indecision is the key to flexibility. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Deny everything. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? |
Nancy | Friday, May 16, 2003 - 09:41 am     ♦ Humorscope Friday, May 16, 2003 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money Leo (July 23 - August 22) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics". Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear. |
Nancy | Monday, May 19, 2003 - 10:50 am     Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. |
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