Archive through April 14, 2003
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Humorscopes (ARCHIVES):
Archive through April 14, 2003
Nancy | Saturday, March 15, 2003 - 07:33 am     Daily Humorscope of March 15, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze". You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy". Libra (September 22 - October 22) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. |
Nancy | Sunday, March 16, 2003 - 07:01 am     Daily Humorscope for March 16, 2003: You guys line up alphabetically by height You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running. |
Nancy | Monday, March 17, 2003 - 04:19 am     Daily Humorscope for march 17,2003 Monday, March 17, 2003 "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. |
Nancy | Tuesday, March 18, 2003 - 04:32 am     Daily Humorscope for March 18, 2003 I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to. Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Libra (September 22 - October 22) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. |
Nancy | Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 07:41 am     Humorscope for March 19, 2003 I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... |
Nancy | Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 04:31 am     Daily Humorscope for March 20, 2003: "I'm not crazy...I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years" -- Shirley McClane in Steel Magnolias -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement. |
Nancy | Friday, March 21, 2003 - 04:49 am     Friday, March 21, 2003 If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it. On the door of a Moscow hotel room -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. |
Nancy | Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 09:53 am     ♦ Humorscope for Sunday, March 23, 2003 Drop your trousers here for best results. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's ------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?" |
Nancy | Monday, March 24, 2003 - 04:41 am     Humorscope for March 24, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. Libra (September 22 - October 22) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!". Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch. |
Nancy | Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 06:19 am     Daily Humorscope for March 25, 2003 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Rich Cook ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aries (March 21 - April 19) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl". Leo (July 23 - August 22) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. |
Nancy | Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 05:52 am     Daily Horoscope of March 26, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks". Libra (September 22 - October 22) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:". |
Nancy | Friday, March 28, 2003 - 05:18 am     ♦ Daily Humorscope for March 28, 2003: We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. Jeff Marder -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will rescue several people from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11. |
Nancy | Monday, March 31, 2003 - 04:45 am     Humorscope for March 31, 2003 "A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat." -- P. J. O'Rourke -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to act extremely childish. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Angst day, today. |
Nancy | Tuesday, April 01, 2003 - 05:02 am     Daily Humorscope for April 01, 2003: I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt). Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead |
Lancecrossfire | Tuesday, April 01, 2003 - 10:33 am     Thanks for these Nancy!! |
Nancy | Thursday, April 03, 2003 - 10:53 am     Daily Humorscope of April 3, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings |
Sawheel17 | Friday, April 04, 2003 - 07:26 am     Ditto what Lance said. No wonder I stay in trouble all the time. It's written in the stars. |
Nancy | Friday, April 04, 2003 - 08:16 pm     Daily Humorscope of April 4, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. Leo (July 23 - August 22) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of galoots, today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings. |
Nancy | Tuesday, April 08, 2003 - 05:05 am     Daily Horoscope of April 7, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. Libra (September 22 - October 22) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good. |
Nancy | Tuesday, April 08, 2003 - 05:09 am     Daily Horoscope of April 8, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper". Don't know why. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. \ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to doodle. |
Nancy | Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 06:30 am     Daily Humorscope for April 9, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren't enough people with Tourette Syndrome available for hire. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You'll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry? |
Nancy | Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 06:31 am     ♦ Daily Humorscope for April 10, 2003: Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. Gen. George Patton --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to sneak. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance... |
Nancy | Friday, April 11, 2003 - 07:10 am     Daily Humorscope for April 11, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. Libra (September 22 - October 22) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of celery. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair". |
Nancy | Monday, April 14, 2003 - 04:43 am     Daily Horoscope of April 13, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me! |
Nancy | Monday, April 14, 2003 - 04:46 am     Monday, April 14, 2003 If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though |
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