Archive through September 26, 2002
MoveCloseDeleteAdmin

TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 April: JOKES (ARCHIVES): Archive through September 26, 2002

Sia

Saturday, June 22, 2002 - 04:08 am EditMoveDeleteIP
The real deal-breaker for me, Weiner, is the idea that anyone would trust his/her neighbor with something so complicated. On your new show, watt safeguards are in place to ensure that participants meet code? Is the hostess of the show pretty? If "Trading Splices" comes to your town, will you go meter? Be sure to post the photos you take of the set-designers, too. I get such a jolt out of their work, like my ground fault was interrupted!

Gail

Saturday, June 29, 2002 - 05:33 am EditMoveDeleteIP
This is cute - it is of a carwash coin machine were birds are stealing the money. I think this is in Utah.

http://www.utahbirds.org/BirdStory.htm

Spygirl

Saturday, June 29, 2002 - 07:04 am EditMoveDeleteIP
That is funny!!!

Gail

Saturday, June 29, 2002 - 07:17 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I just went back and looked - IT is in Maryland. I didn't realize they had stolen $4000! That is funny! Talk about a real nest egg!

Neko

Saturday, June 29, 2002 - 12:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh my!!
$4000 dollars!!

Riviere

Sunday, June 30, 2002 - 09:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A genealogy joke my cousin sent me:
Man tells his son the secret of a long life is to sprinkle some gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. He follows this recipe, and lives to be age 99, left 12 kids, 32 grandkids, 54 great grandkids, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

Gail

Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 04:24 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband un-characteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a
period of years.", he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says ....................... "worked for your arse, didnt it?"

Nancy

Thursday, August 15, 2002 - 08:32 am EditMoveDeleteIP
HOROSCOPES FOR YOUR JOB POSITION...

1) MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a
marketing degree to avoid having to study in college,
concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2) SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as
"marketing without a degree". You are also self centered and
paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their
money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can
"concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for
your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal
life, you are instead content to completely control
everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can
tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied
in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads
are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your
office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal
tunnel syndrome".
5) ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school.
You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most
feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you
say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first
to be incarcerated.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to
confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip
within the organization. Possibly the only other person that
does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any
calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND
then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet
completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number
of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social
circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above - Same sign, different
title.


9) CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children
very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
"Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use
acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience.
You have convinced yourself that your skills" are in demand
and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity
contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking
direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER": As a "person" that profits from
the success of others, you are disdained by most people who
actually work for a living. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart
attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock
market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky.
Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax
machine suggest the latter.

Aunt_Bob

Monday, September 02, 2002 - 09:35 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome . . . . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental", was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they are always late . . . . So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste . . ."

"Don't go any further, I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced . . . . So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich." laughed the hairdresser. "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant . . . . Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're gonna need it."

A month later, the woman came in again for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful." explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes but, it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28 yr old steward who waited on me hand and foot."

"And the hotel - it was great! They had just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well", muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good but, I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really? . . . What did he say?"

He said, "Where did you get the ugly hairdo?"

(darn, that took forever to type)

Bigd

Tuesday, September 03, 2002 - 05:43 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Don't get mad at me, but this gave me a laugh!
This is pretty neat. Apparently the owners of this house had been seeing
images and hearing voices for quite a while. They did some research and
found that a lady once lived in the house who lost her husband during the
civil war. Legend says that she used to sit at the table and look across
the fields in anticipation of her loved one returning home. He never came -
so, they say she still waits. They caught this photo of what they claim to be
her.

It took me a few seconds to find her, but when you do she just stands
out - like one of those optical illusions. To save you some time,
concentrate around the table. It's best not to focus too much on one
spot, but look around the table and toward the window.
For an added touch turn up the volume, it's faint but you can hear the
ghost talking sometimes in a low murmur. Go to the site below to view
the picture.

http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf

Aunt_Bob

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 04:51 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
THE TANDEM STORY
note:: a little raunchy, but a funny read

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday. "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary.
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

G:: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

R:: He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

G:: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

R:: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

G:: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."

R:: A**hole.

G:: B*tch.

R:: W*nker.

G:: Sl*t.

R:: Get f***ed.

G:: Eat sh*t.

R:: F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

G:: You already did! Go drink some tea – wh*re.

Rissa

Friday, September 06, 2002 - 07:04 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Aunt_Bob, RFLMAO!! Printing that one out for hubby as I type. :)

Aunt_Bob

Friday, September 13, 2002 - 08:12 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Pirate Retires & Makes Claim For Disability


After many years at sea, a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.

"How did you get the wooden leg?", asked the agent.

In a booming voice the pirate replied: "Well matey, you see it was like this: me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your hand?"

In a booming voice the pirate replied: "Well matey, you see it was like this: me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your eye?"

In a booming voice the pirate replied: "Well matey, you see it was like this: I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this damn seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"

"Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"


"It were the first day with me hook!"

Sanfranjoshfan

Friday, September 13, 2002 - 09:56 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A Buddhist entered a Burger King and walked up to the counter. The guy behind the counter asked him what he wanted.

The Buddhist said, "Make me one with everything."

Sanfranjoshfan

Friday, September 13, 2002 - 09:58 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"

Sanfranjoshfan

Friday, September 13, 2002 - 09:59 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this....a joke?"

Sanfranjoshfan

Friday, September 13, 2002 - 10:06 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mom, what is God?"

She asked "What do you mean?"

The child explains, "Well, at school, the boy that sits behind me told me that God was black and then the girl that sits in front of me said that god was a woman. And then another kid in my class told me that God was gay. So, tell me, Mom....what is God?"

The mother, trying to answer the rather complex question replied, "Well, honey...I can't tell you exactly what God IS....but I CAN tell you what He ISN'T. God isn't black or white...God isn't a man or a woman....and God is neither gay nor straight."

The kid thinks for a minute and then replied in awe...."You mean....God is Michael Jackson?"

Nancy

Saturday, September 21, 2002 - 08:28 am EditMoveDeleteIP
** FUNNY (and real) SIGNS **

** On a plumbing company's van:
"A flush beats a full house!"

** A sign at a little restaurant:
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

** In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan:
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection."

** Ohio road sign:
Prosperity 30 mi ->
<- Clinton 70 mi

** In the bathroom of a mom and pop store:
"We aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

** Sign on a retail store door:
PUSH, if it doesn't open,
PULL, if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

** On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

** Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

** Another pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

** At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

** Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

** At a drycleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one
at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"

Nancy

Saturday, September 21, 2002 - 08:31 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Mensa Test:

***********

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the
muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep
mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will
lose it" also applies to the brain, so...

Below is a very private way to gauge you loss or non-loss of
intelligence. So take the following test presented here and
determine if you are losing it or still a MENSA candidate.

Ok, relax... clear your mind, and begin.

***

Q: What do you put in a toaster?
*
*
*
*
A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up
now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If
you said "bread", go to the next question.

***

Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows
drink?
*
*
*
*
A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over-
stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need
to content yourself with reading something more appropriate
such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then
proceed to the next question.

***

Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is
made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks,
a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse
made with?
*
*
*
*
A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading
these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to the next
question.

***

Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.
Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The
pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing. Unfortunately, the
engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack
in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and
West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East
Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"
*
*
*
*
A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said
ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to
rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be
appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then
proceed to the next question.

***

Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every
minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one
hour?
*
*
*
*
A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else
other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on
getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league.
Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed
to the final question.

***

Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get
on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine
people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get
on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In
Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then
arrive at Milford Haven. Now, what was the name of the bus
driver?
*
*
*
*
A: Oh, for Heaven's sake... It was you!

Sia

Monday, September 23, 2002 - 04:45 am EditMoveDeleteIP
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Nicoleme

Tuesday, September 24, 2002 - 10:26 am EditMoveDeleteIP
SIA~ that one made me giggle to myself... cute, very cute!

Sia

Wednesday, September 25, 2002 - 11:05 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Subject: Quantas pilots & maintenance...

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by
QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the
way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the problem remark that the pilots entered in the log, and
S stands for the solution remark entered by the mechanics after taking
corrective action.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: in this remark for a piston-engined
airplane, the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Trulyscrumtious

Thursday, September 26, 2002 - 11:09 am EditMoveDeleteIP
A young man had always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he had finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word...!!!

Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word...!!!!

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline. And the father says...

"OKAY F**K IT!...I'LL DO THE DISHES!"

Curious1

Thursday, September 26, 2002 - 10:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
A kindergarten pupil informs his teacher that he found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead" She was informed.

"How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move." the child replied

"you did WHAT?" the teacher asked in surprise

"You know" explained the child "I went over and went PSSST! and it didn't move!"

Aunt_Bob

Thursday, September 26, 2002 - 11:02 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Pickin' Up An Ivy League Student

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"