Archive through January 05, 2003
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Archive through January 05, 2003
Halfunit | Sunday, October 27, 2002 - 03:59 pm     Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." |
Aunt_Bob | Sunday, October 27, 2002 - 09:43 pm     "The Lying Officer" A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove compartment? Driver: Yes, officer. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, officer. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.) Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine officer. Here's the registration. (The driver owned the car.) Captain: Could you slowly open your glove compartment so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove compartment.) Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.) Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying officer told you I was speeding, too. |
Jo_5329 | Monday, October 28, 2002 - 11:42 am     This is from the front page of MSN.com .... I fellow, Leland Gregory, has written a book about dumb crooks and their stories. ---- Oct. 23 — It’s a good thing that crime doesn’t pay — otherwise some of the world’s dumbest criminals would be asking for a refund. In his new book, “The Stupid Crook Book,” Leland Gregory shares his collection of stories — some of them laugh-out-loud funny — about the criminally inane. Read an excerpt from his book below. IT DOESN’T ALWAYS PAY TO ADVERTISE An inmate at the San Mateo County, California, minimum-security jail decided he’d had enough of prison life and simply strolled away during work release. He got a little tired of walking after a while and stopped at a pay phone to call a friend to come pick him up. But try as he might, the convict couldn’t remember his friend’s phone number, so he called directory assistance to get it. Unfortunately, he accidentally dialed 911 instead of 411, then quickly hung up the phone when a dispatcher answered. The police sent out a cruiser to check on the 911 hang-up anyway and found the man still in the phone booth and still wearing his prison shirt, with the words PROPERTY OF SAN MATEO COUNTY HONOR CAMP written on it. “They could see it though the top of his jacket,” Sheriff’s lieutenant Larry Boss said. At least when they took the inmate back to celebrate his reunion with his prisoners, he was already dressed for the occasion. NINETY-PROOF MORON Before the cashier knew what was happening, a man with a shotgun appeared at the counter and demanded all the cash in the register. The cashier quickly filled a paper bag with the register’s contents and handed it over to the shotgun-wielding robber. Before he made his escape, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch on the shelf behind the counter — and it looked pretty good to him. He stuck the barrel of the gun in the clerk’s face and told him to put the Scotch in the bag with the cash. The cashier said he wouldn’t do it. It wasn’t that it was a particularly aged or valuable bottle of Scotch, he told the robber; he simply didn’t think the man was old enough to drink. The robber claimed he was, but the cashier still refused to give him the liquor. To prove he was over twenty-one, the robber produced a valid driver’s license and showed it to the conscientious clerk. The clerk looked it over, realized that the man was over twenty-one, and gave him the bottle of Scotch. The robber then dashed out of the store, ready to celebrate his newly acquired cash with a shot or two of fine single-malt Scotch. The cashier celebrated the man’s stupidity by calling the police and giving them the robber’s name and address, which he had memorized from the driver’s license. The door to the thief’s prison cell closed before he could even open his bottle of Scotch. TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS: ZANY, WACKY PRISONER LAWSUITS * Shortly after being made a jail trusty, inmate Ross Chadwell tried to escape the Benton County, Arkansas, Prison. He was soon captured and punished for his actions. He then filed a lawsuit against both the county and Sheriff Andy Lee, claiming civil rights violations. Chadwell accused Sheriff Lee of acting “recklessly” by making him a trusty and therefore putting him in a position that made it possible for him to attempt escape. * Randy Kraft, a convicted serial killer, filed a $60 million defamation lawsuit against Warner Books and the author of the book Angel of Darkness. Kraft, a death-row inmate convicted of the sexual torture and murder of sixteen men, claimed the book cast him in an unfair light by portraying him as a “sick, twisted” man. ON THE CUTTING EDGE A convicted criminal being escorted to jail in St. Petersburg, Florida, somehow managed to escape and go on the lam. During his escape, however, he suffered several deep cuts to his feet, but even with the loss of blood the criminal was able to vanish into thin air, and the authorities didn’t have a clue as to his whereabouts. They got their break from the most unexpected of places — the local hospital. The authorities at the hospital got suspicious of their most recent patient — not because of his wounds but because of his words. When asked to fill out the standard hospital forms, on the line about the cause of the injury our escapee wrote, “Escape from jail.” PUSH ME, PULL YOU A number of bank robberies are hampered because of holdup notes that include the robber’s name and phone number, the lack of a weapon, an ineffective disguise, and the like, and usually these robbers don’t make it out the door. But in the case of one aspiring bank robber, he didn’t even make it in the door. Employees of the Durham, North Carolina, Federal Savings Bank became frightened when they saw a man in a sweatshirt with the hood pulled tightly over his face pounding loudly on the front door. Why couldn’t he get in — was the door locked? Nope. The man was trying to push the door open, not having noticed the PULL sign above the handle. The unidentified man was linked to another attempted robbery in Durham. Yep, you guessed it — same MO. The crook failed at that robbery attempt, too, when he again attempted to push open a pull door. The push robber probably attributed his failure to a loose hinge on the door. (Insert your own loose-hinge joke here.) THE FIRST SIGN OF STUPIDITY A young entrepreneur in Baltimore, Maryland, looking to generate more sales, put up a sign announcing his wares on the side of a newspaper box. Two plainclothes police officers saw the unlawful advertisement and approached the man, asking if he had posted the sign. “Sure,” he said. “It’s the only way I can get people to stop.” The sign in question offered the sale of ten-dollar bags of marijuana. __ |
Draheid | Monday, October 28, 2002 - 11:58 am     A few I've collected over the years. I hope not to offend anyone! Wacky Pet Names Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." A Biology Lesson Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said frosty glare, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." The Well Dressed Man This guy starts getting these headaches that progressively worsen until he can't eat, sleep, or work. After an extensive examination, the doctor tells him that they can cure the headaches, but that it will require an operation where they remove both of his testicles. The man eventually realizes that he simply can't continue with the headaches, so he reluctantly agrees. Upon awaking after the operation, there is no trace of the headaches. He checks out of the hospital, feeling like he has been reborn. In order to celebrate, he decides to go into a fancy men's shop, and treat himself to the most expensive imported suit they have. The old man in the shop, having gotten an idea of what the man would like, starts off to find him a suit. "Wait," the man says, "you don't even know my measurements yet." The old man explains that he's been working in the garment industry all his life, and can tell a person's measurements just by looking at him. To prove it, the old man starts rattling off measurements - "33 waist, 32 inseam, 16 neck, 34 sleeve, 32 underwear." "Correct on everything but the underwear," the man says admiringly, "I wear size 30." "No way," the old man says confidently, "32 underwear is definitely your size, I'm sure." "Look," the man says, a little irritated, "I ought to know what size underwear I wear." The old man interrupts him, yelling "IF YOU WORE SIZE 30 UNDERWEAR, YOU'D HAVE THE MOST EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL HEADACHES! The Ultimate Disguise A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed. After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got vbery close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him. He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time." The Worst Diagnosis A husband had a doctor's appointment and wanted his wife to accompany him. After the doctor examined the husband, he spoke to his wife. The doctor said, "Your husband has a life-threatening illness that needs special treament and if he doesn't get it, he could die". The wife replied, "What is it I can do to help my husband recover?" The doctor said: 1. Every day you must make him a good breakfast and send him off to work in a good frame of mind; 2. Fix him a healthy lunch, when he comes home at noon and give him peace and quiet and send him back to work in a happy frame of mind; 3. When he comes home at night, fix him a wonderful meal with all his favourite foods. Don't ask him to help with household chores and don't complain; 4. Make sure that he is satisfied sexually several times a week in order that he is happy and contented. When the husband and wife were driving home, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "what did the doctor say about my check-up?" "You're gonna die", she replied. |
Sia | Tuesday, October 29, 2002 - 04:05 am     Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students. I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kids' doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much! "Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along. |
Babyruth | Tuesday, October 29, 2002 - 06:37 pm     Top Ten Reasons Why Halloween Is Better Than Sex 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,because you are. 5) You can wear leather and chains and nobody thinks you're weird. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. And, the number one reason that Trick or Treating is better than sex: 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD |
Aunt_Bob | Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 01:21 am     The Keen Texas Salesman A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and a huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook,” the Texas boy explained, “he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' " |
Aunt_Bob | Friday, November 08, 2002 - 09:17 pm     Things you’d really like to say at work! 1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 5. Ah...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 10. And your cry-baby whiny-@ssed opinion would be...? 11. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 12. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. |
Aunt_Bob | Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 10:39 am     You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... You ski uphill. You speed walk in your sleep. You answer the door before people knock. You sleep with your eyes open. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake. You lick your coffeepot clean. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You don't need a hammer to pound nails. You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug. You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. When someone asks you," How are you?" you answer," Good to the last drop." Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Your Thermos is on wheels. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You don't get mad, you get steamed. For you, CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." |
Nancy | Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 10:54 am     I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 35, 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too." Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?" In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water. Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin. Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions, "What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?" But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. Hey, that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts." =) Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's why I had to pass this on-I didn't want to risk it! |
Sia | Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 04:38 am     In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (But that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. the shoplifter's special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh?!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought. . .????) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because. . .?) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now , somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)" On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) ================================================ EVER WONDER. . .? ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? ...why it is that doctors call what they do "practice"? ...why it is that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? ...why the man who invests all your money os called a broker? ...why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour? ...why there isn't a mouse-flavored cat food? ...when dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains like a wool sweater shrinks in the washer? ...why they're called apartments when they are all stuck together? ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ...if flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? =============================================== ONLY IN AMERICA 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
Sia | Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 04:54 am     How to Handle an @$$hole Have you ever had one of those days when EVERYTHING goes wrong (like some @$$hole stealing all your bandwidth)? Read on. Here is the cure: For all of you who occasionally have a bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Do not take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DO NOT know. Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a telephone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?” I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the telephone was slammed down on me! I could not believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're an @$$hole!" and hung up. Next to his telephone number I wrote the word "@$$hole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a bad day, I would call him up. He would answer, and then I would yell, "You're an @$$hole!” It would always cheer me up. Later in the year, the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the @$$hole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the telephone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @$$hole!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there is ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.] The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I did not think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she is finally leaving. All of a sudden, a black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling; "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!” The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he did not even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is an @$$hole. There sure are many @$$holes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I am at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the telephone after calling 823- 4863 and yelling, "You're a @$$hole!” (It is easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the telephone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and I thought I had better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're an @$$hole!" And I slammed the telephone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call. Then after several months of calling the @$$holes and hanging up on them, it just was not as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my telephone dial @$$hole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an @$$hole!” but I did not hang up. The @$$hole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.” He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?"“ 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." “ I am coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @$$hole!" and I hung up. Then I called @$$hole #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, @$$hole! “ He said, "If I ever find out who you are...""You'll what?” “ I'll kick your butt.” “ Well, here is your chance. I'm coming over right now @$$hole!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the telephone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two @$$holes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news!! |
Aunt_Bob | Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 08:26 am     CHINESE PROVERBS Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chop stick go hungry. Man who scratches @ss should not bite finger nails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget. |
Zeno39 | Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 12:55 pm     Quips---One man to another. "I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me now." Fifteen minutes into a flight, the captain announced that one of the engines had failed. Nothing to worry about, said the captain. Our flight will just take an hour longer than scheduled. Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, another engine has failed, and the flight will take an additional two hours. Then another engine failed, with just one engine left. A first-time flier remarked, if we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.---------If swimming is good for your shape, then let's talk about whales.--------A foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequency. His first time approaching a field at nighttime, instead of radioing an official request to the tower for landing, he said ,"Guess who?" The controller switched off the runway lights and replied, "Guess where?"----------Did you hear about the two hillbillies found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie? They went to see Closed for the Winter. |
Babyruth | Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 04:11 pm     Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after hearing that Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman (We take you now to the Oval Office.) >George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? > Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. > George: Great. Lay it on me. > Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. > George: That's what I want to know. > Condi: That's what I'm telling you. > George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? > Condi: Yes. > George: I mean the fellow's name. > Condi: Hu. > George: The guy in China. > Condi: Hu. > George: The new leader of China. > Condi: Hu. > George: The Chinaman! > Condi: Hu is leading China. > George: Now whaddya' asking me for? > Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. > George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? > Condi: That's the man's name. > George: That's who's name? > Condi: Yes. > George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? > Condi: Yes, sir. > George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. > Condi: That's correct. > George: Then who is in China? > Condi: Yes, sir. > George: Yassir is in China? > Condi: No, sir. > George: Then who is? > Condi: Yes, sir. > George: Yassir? > Condi: No, sir. > George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. > Condi: Kofi? > George: No, thanks. > Condi: You want Kofi? > George: No. > Condi: You don't want Kofi. > George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk and then get me the U.N. > Condi: Yes, sir. > George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. > Condi: Kofi? > George: Milk! Will you please make the call? > Condi: And call who? > George: Who is the guy at the U.N? > Condi: Hu is the guy in China. > George: Will you stay out of China?! > Condi: Yes, sir. > George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. > Condi: Kofi. > George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. > (Condi picks up the phone.) > Condi: Rice, here. > George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? |
Whit4you | Monday, November 25, 2002 - 06:50 pm     An oldie I'm sure but new to me: Definitions: Flashlight: Something you carry dead batteries in. |
Sia | Monday, December 02, 2002 - 05:21 pm     A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on driving farther and farther from home, but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asks her, "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answers the wife. Frustrated, the man says, "Put that cat on the phone; I'm lost and I need directions." |
Aunt_Bob | Wednesday, December 04, 2002 - 05:55 am     A little warped ... still, a little funny... Gone To Heaven God and St. Peter are talking about the overcrowded conditions in Heaven, when they decide to only let in the people that had a really bad day on the day they died. So Peter says to the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died". The man says, "I came home early to catch my wife cheating on me. I looked around the aptartment, but did not find anyone. I went out on our balcony, I live on the 25th floor, and I saw a man hanging there by his fingertips. I went back in and got a hammer and smashed his fingers. He fell to the ground, but some bushes broke his fall and he survived. So, I went in and got my refrigerator and pushed it over the rail and crushed him to death and in the excitement of all of this I had a heart attack and died. Peter thought that it was a bad day, and since it was a crime of passion he allowed the man to come in. Then Peter says to the next man in line, "Tell me about the day you died." The man says, "I was exercising on my balcony, I live on the 26th floor of my aptartment building, when I slipped and fell over the rail, I managed to catch myself on the balcony of the man who lives under me. But then some crazy person smashes my fingers with a hammer. I fall to the ground, but some bushes broke my fall and I survived. But then the same crazy person pushes a refrigerator over the rail and crushed me to death." St. Peter chuckles and lets the man in. Then he says to the next man, "Tell me about the day you died". The man says, "Well, picture this, I'm naked and hiding in this guys refrigerator...
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Suitsmefine | Tuesday, December 10, 2002 - 06:21 pm     Lady sick and tired of her husband staying out all night boozing and carousing, decides to dress as the devil and scare the "devil" out of him....so she hides behind the couch and waits....about 1a.m. her husband comes stumbling in , she jumps from behind the couch and screams...with a slur the husband yells" I ain't afraid of you, hell I married your sister!!!!" |
Aunt_Bob | Saturday, December 28, 2002 - 05:41 pm      |
Juju2bigdog | Sunday, December 29, 2002 - 05:43 am     Here's one that is making the rounds of the internet: New Medications for Women Damitol Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St. Mom's Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. Peptobimbo Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Anti-boyotics When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin Potent anti-boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" Buyagra Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. You're welcome, ladies. ~Virginya |
Aunt_Bob | Saturday, January 04, 2003 - 08:24 pm     Golfing With Cows A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" |
Sadiesmom | Saturday, January 04, 2003 - 08:49 pm     How about quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations? His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiousity I would not allow this employee to breed Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has begun to dig This young lady has delusions of adequacy She sets low personal standards and consistantly fails to acheive them This employee should go far and as soon as he starts, the better This employee is depriving a village of an idiot Got inot the gene pool while the lifeguard was on a break A room temperature IQ A gross ignoramus, 144 time worse than an ignoramous Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together Donated his brain to science before he was through using it Fell out of the family tree Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he only gargled Takes hime 2 hours to watch 60 minutes If you stand close to him, you can hear the ocean It is hard to believe that he beat out 1 million other sperm If he were any moe stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week He is so dense, light bends around him a prime candidate for natural deselection |
Aunt_Bob | Saturday, January 04, 2003 - 09:06 pm     Sadiesmom... FUNNY STUFF!!!! My favorites: This young lady has delusions of adequacy She sets low personal standards and consistantly fails to achieve them |
Sanfranjoshfan | Sunday, January 05, 2003 - 11:00 am     The teacher gave her class an assignment to go home and get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. The teacher said, "And what's the moral of the story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" replied Kathy. "Very good," said the teacher. "Now Lucy what is your story?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One time we had a dozen eggs that a hen was hatching, but when the eggs hatched we only got ten live chickens. And the moral to this story is don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy." Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Sure do. My dad told me this story about my uncle Bob. My uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit by a SAM missile. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down and then landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands. "My goodness," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your father give you from that horrible story?" Johnny smiled brightly and replied, "Don't ever f*k with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." |
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