Archive through June 21, 2002
TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 April:
JOKES (ARCHIVES):
Archive through June 21, 2002
Alaskagal | Tuesday, May 07, 2002 - 11:01 pm     I need a good laugh today, can anyone tell a good joke around here?? |
Moondance | Tuesday, May 07, 2002 - 11:14 pm     Just got this one in the mail... Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!" |
Tksoard | Wednesday, May 08, 2002 - 07:26 am     Good one Moonie!! That should do the trick, Alaskagal!!  |
Grooch | Wednesday, May 08, 2002 - 07:35 am     On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." He leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer, and waited for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that, If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" say the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Considering we are here for eternity, could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer?" |
Kittee3 | Wednesday, May 08, 2002 - 09:27 am     Thanks for the laughs!!! I really need them these days.... Here is one that I got via email last week: A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you." |
Teddybear | Wednesday, May 08, 2002 - 10:05 am     I got these today... Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?" Ok I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:-" Not bad..." Then the voice says:- "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:- " Well, I'm going back east" . Then I hear the person say all flustered:- "Look,I'll call you back , every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me"! KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay. Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And yes, Linda is a blonde. |
Alaskagal | Wednesday, May 08, 2002 - 10:46 am     LOL Thanks guys. You all made me laugh |
Babyruth | Thursday, May 09, 2002 - 05:59 pm     It is well documented that for every minute that > you exercise, you add > one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 > years old to spend an > additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per > month. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > My grandmother started walking five miles a > day when she was 60. Now > she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell > she is. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > The only reason I would take up exercising > is so that I could hear > heavy breathing again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I joined a health club last year, spent > about 400 bucks. Haven't > lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I have to exercise early in the morning > before my brain figures out > what I'm doing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I like long walks, especially when they are > taken by people who > annoy me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my > stomach covers them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > The advantage of exercising every day is > that you die healthier. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > If you are going to try cross-country > skiing, start with a small > country. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > And last but not least: > > I don't exercise because it makes the ice > jump right out of my > glass. |
Sia | Sunday, May 12, 2002 - 07:49 pm     "So! How'd you break your arm?" from a New Orleans paper: A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms anybody's heart: Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiiers. The woman skiied, if you define that verb loosely, back underthe lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie-show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?" she asked to make small talk. "It was the darnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?" |
Weinermr | Tuesday, May 14, 2002 - 03:16 am     INNER STRENGTH If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can do all these things, then you are probably the family dog. |
Car54 | Tuesday, May 14, 2002 - 03:29 am     That joke sounds like the day I had yesterday! Once again, wishin I was the "family dog"! |
Sia | Tuesday, May 14, 2002 - 08:04 pm     The Little Firefighter A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off of the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says, with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's t@sticles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." |
Max | Wednesday, June 19, 2002 - 09:18 am     Thank Goodness for Church Ladies! Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy." Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. Prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." Our next song is, "Angels We Have Heard Get High" |
Whoami | Wednesday, June 19, 2002 - 10:50 am      |
Weinermr | Thursday, June 20, 2002 - 11:35 pm     Has everyone heard of the new home improvement show? It's the one where you switch houses with another couple and rewire each other's home in only two days and spend no more than $1,000.00. It's called Trading Splices. At first, the producers met with resistance, but currently it's a hit. Personally, I refuse to watch it. |
Bob2112 | Thursday, June 20, 2002 - 11:51 pm     Shocking! My capacitance for a show like this low. |
Teatime | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 03:45 am     Uh-ohm. I'm sensing some continuity here... |
Weinermr | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 07:14 am     I always get a charge out of you guys! |
Bob2112 | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 07:49 am     The frequency of replies to this topic appears to be ramping up! I'm currently alternating between here and the Riddles thread. This one is definetly more grounded! |
Teatime | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 08:25 am     Just making the circuit this morning, Bob? |
Sia | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 02:39 pm     It's just revolting that you all have taken a perfectly nice thread and rewired it for puns! Ohm gonna tell Mom if y'all don't quit electrifying my brain with these mind-twisting plays on words. My resistance is low for humor sometimes, so you'll have to overlook it if the needle on my meter doesn't peg. I'm more grounded than most girls, it seems. "Let an electrician re-wire your shorts!" |
Weinermr | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 02:45 pm     Yep. No dim bulbs here. |
Sia | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 03:04 pm     Hey, Weiner. Watt's up? No, everyone here seems to be on the bright side of normal, LOL! What wit! What spark! What positively electric personalities! |
Weinermr | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 03:29 pm     I'm not going to di-ode if I keep reading this thread. |
Donut | Friday, June 21, 2002 - 08:16 pm     Weiner i like how you Fuse two threads together, but i am going to Switch to another thread before i catch Halogen for hanging out with you Shocking Livewires! |
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