Archive through April 09, 2003
TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 April:
JOKES (ARCHIVES):
Archive through April 09, 2003
Pamy | Sunday, January 05, 2003 - 12:22 pm     I loved that one Sadie! |
Spygirl | Sunday, January 05, 2003 - 01:21 pm     The Parking Ticket I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So, I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important. |
Babyruth | Monday, January 13, 2003 - 09:59 pm     COMMENTS AT YOUR FUNERAL 3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving! |
Sia | Monday, January 13, 2003 - 10:27 pm     Everyone has been guilty of looking at another's age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old." I'm sure you've done the same. If so, you may enjoy this short story. While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1957." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" |
Aunt_Bob | Friday, January 17, 2003 - 08:36 pm     The Little Catholic Irish Girl An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute." Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!" "Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one – I thought you said Protestant!" |
Myjohnhenry | Monday, January 27, 2003 - 11:13 pm     THE GENEALOGY OF VINCENT VAN GOGH > > His dizzy aunt > >Verti Gogh > > The brother who ate prunes > >Gotta Gogh > > The constipated uncle > >Cant Gogh > > The brother who worked at a convenience store > >Stopn Gogh > > The grandfather from Yugoslavia > >U Gogh > > The brother who refused to bleach his clothes white > >Hue Gogh > > The cousin from Illinois > >Chica Gogh > > His magician uncle > >Wherediddy Gogh > > His Mexican cousin > >Amee Gogh > > The Mexican cousin's American half brother > >Grin Gogh > > The ballroom dancing aunt > >Tan Gogh > > A sister who loved disco > >Go Gogh > > The nephew who drove a stage coach > >Wellsfar Gogh > > The bird lover uncle > >Flamin Gogh > > His nephew psychoanalyst > >E Gogh > > The fruit loving cousin > >Man Gogh > > An aunt who taught positive thinking > >Wayto Gogh > > The little bouncy nephew > >Poe Gogh > > His niece who travels the country in a van > >Winnie BayGogh |
Aunt_Bob | Wednesday, January 29, 2003 - 10:57 pm     Funny Conversations BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink... GIRL : Why not ?? BOY : I'm broke. BOY : May I hold your hand?? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.. BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. Sam : I hate to see a girl standing up on a bus when I'm comfortably seated. Lily : So what do you do? Sam : I close my eyes. It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. |
Zachsmom | Thursday, February 06, 2003 - 02:49 pm     One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less. O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the sh*t out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the sh*t out of them too for helping. The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your a$$, it always comes back to get you. |
Fanny | Thursday, February 06, 2003 - 02:55 pm     LOL Z! |
Max | Thursday, February 06, 2003 - 03:34 pm     Marketing 101 Several people have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up: You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam. ------- Courtesy of Ian Purdie http://electronics-tutorials.com Whose extensive number of offspring speaks for itself. |
Aunt_Bob | Monday, February 10, 2003 - 09:08 am     Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Also, SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us. Note: Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training through our SH!T (Special High Intensity Training). We take pride in the amount of SH!T our employees receive. We have given our employees more SH!T than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SH!T on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor has been specially trained to make sure you receive all the SH!T you can stand. |
Aunt_Bob | Wednesday, February 26, 2003 - 01:53 pm      |
Nancy | Thursday, February 27, 2003 - 07:45 am     Oregon Legislature Plans to Torment Teachers SALEM, OR (AheadOfNews.com) - Voting mostly along party lines, the Oregon Legislature today passed a resolution aimed at reforming the state's system of public education by tormenting the teachers. The Trash the Teachers Resolution of 2003 is meant to "discourage overpaid liberal teachers from working in Oregon," according to Rep. Jack Snuff (R-Halsey). Snuff and conservative legislators such as Elaine Blank (R-Molalla), Vernon Smoke (R-Albany) and Fred Stayne (R-Burns), blame unionized teachers for encouraging "a tolerant and egalitarian society that values independent thought." "This constitutes an outrageous misuse of public funds," Snuff said. To "rid Oregon of secular teachers who have joined labor unions," Snuff, et al. propose the following rules: 1. Teachers will each day empty the wastebaskets, scrub the toilets, and mop the floors. 2. Men teachers may take one evening a week for dating purposes or two evenings a week if they go to church regularly and promise never to read Darwin or Marx. 3. After 10 hours in school, teachers may spend the remaining time reading the Bible or biographies of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. 4. Women teachers who flirt, drink beer, or refuse to bake cookies for school fund-raisers will be dismissed. 5. Teachers must lay aside from each pay check a goodly sum for the cleaning of their uniforms. 6. Teachers who use their fringe benefits will be accused of stealing. 7. Teachers who perform their labors faithfully and without fault for five years may be given an increase of $25 a week in pay, providing the Legislature approves. "Like it or lump it, pinko teachers," Snuff said. "Better yet, move to France." |
Sweetbabygirl | Saturday, March 01, 2003 - 04:42 pm     Oldie but a goodie....I like to break the ice with this one. How do you hold your liquor? (By the ears!!) |
Nancy | Friday, March 21, 2003 - 05:16 am     IMPORTANT LANGUAGE ANNOUNCEMENT The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"-- Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" wil be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Nancy | Friday, March 21, 2003 - 05:17 am     WHY ENGLISH IS SO HARD TO LEARN ~ We must polish the Polish furniture. ~ He could lead if he would get the lead out. ~ The farm was used to produce produce. ~ The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. ~ The soldier decided to desert in the desert. ~ This was a good time to present the present. ~ A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. ~ When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. ~ I did not object to the object. ~ The insurance was invalid for the invalid. ~ The bandage was wound around the wound. ~ There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. ~ They were too close to the door to close it. ~ The buck does funny things when the does are present. ~ They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. ~ To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. ~ The wind was too strong to wind the sail. ~ After a number of injections my jaw got number. ~ Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. ~ I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. ~ How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Lizadee | Friday, March 21, 2003 - 08:13 am     The Mouse Trap Scenario...... The mouse trap scenario - - - A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap! Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house." The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house." "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mouse trap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat. So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk. And so it may come to pass with Germany, France, Belgium............................ |
Bob2112 | Friday, March 21, 2003 - 09:34 am     A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His Mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his Mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his Mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his Mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" |
Aunt_Bob | Thursday, March 27, 2003 - 05:39 am     Got this joke off of a Silk soymilk carton this morning... A monk walks up to a tofu hot dog stand, says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything." The vendor gives him a hot dog with the works and the monk hands over a $20 bill. The vendor puts the $20 in his pocket. The monk asks, "What about my change!" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within." |
Grannyg | Thursday, March 27, 2003 - 02:37 pm     Tooooo funny!! How are you Aunt_Bob?? I owe you an email!! |
Jmm | Thursday, March 27, 2003 - 06:21 pm     Ok, this one was in my hometown newspaper this week. I will apologize ahead of time to any blondes (real or imagined) on the board, but this is how it came to me. As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches-up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Vermont and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" |
Twinkie | Wednesday, April 02, 2003 - 08:40 pm     Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot break- fast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!" |
Draheid | Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 07:25 am     The teacher gives the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with an appropriate note). A smart-a$$ student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down, the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand." |
Twinkie | Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 10:19 am     ROFL, Dra!!!! |
Bbfreak | Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 10:48 am     A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite." |
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