Archive through October 26, 2002
MoveCloseDeleteAdmin

TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 February: HUMORSCOPES (ARCHIVES): Archive through October 26, 2002

Nancy

Sunday, October 13, 2002 - 06:20 am EditMoveDeleteIP
i started this thread a long time ago but stopped doing them but anyway--here's todays:

Nancy

Sunday, October 13, 2002 - 06:21 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Sunday, October 13, 2002
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it".

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.

Nancy

Monday, October 14, 2002 - 07:25 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Monday, October 14, 2002
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" -- Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Zachsmom

Monday, October 14, 2002 - 07:27 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL .. I love mine!!! (Virgo)

Misslibra

Monday, October 14, 2002 - 11:11 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.


LOL Nancy that is to funny!! I'm always saying no one has a sense of humor anymore! :)

Silksmoke

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 - 12:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL Misslibra!!! I love that one. We Libras do have a bizarre sense of humor!!!

Zachsmom

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 - 01:17 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." William Clayton


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Silksmoke

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 - 01:43 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
That Libra thingie happens to me all the time Zachsmom!! You mean that's strange?

Lancecrossfire

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 - 04:29 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I really enjoy these!! They are always good for a number of laughs:)

Nancy

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 - 06:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
hi zach--thanks for posting today's humorscope--i love that website :)

Zachsmom

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 - 07:41 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
I hope you don't mind Nancy..I just couldn't wait!!!!lol..this was the first thread I went to this AM and by 1:30 I lost patience..lol..actually..I was hoping I'd use the humorscope for work today..:)

Nancy

Wednesday, October 16, 2002 - 12:23 am EditMoveDeleteIP
lol no i don't mind-- :)

Nancy

Wednesday, October 16, 2002 - 05:00 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." -- Bill Vaughan


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit

Nancy

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 09:55 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Thursday, October 17, 2002
The talk talks and the walk talks, but the walk talks louder than the talk. Fred Roach, head of the Baylor Medical System Leadership Council contributed by Nick Hollingshad


Aries(March 21 - April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of iguanas, today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.

Nancy

Monday, October 21, 2002 - 11:35 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Monday, October 21, 2002
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Draheid

Monday, October 21, 2002 - 11:58 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Nancy I am a Virgo and my humorscope for today is only half right. You see, I have a 9mo kitten that loves to jump in my lap every chance he gets and then turn to watch the computer screen. Problem is, he is a 'manx' cat and therefore he has NO TAIL so I get mooned every day. And trust me, I NOTICE! LOL

Nancy

Monday, October 21, 2002 - 12:43 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
lol oh i get that too with my cat--(tho she has a tail--but every once and awhile she backs up up my lap and i get the 'full moon' view) i tell her to 'be a lady' LOL

(i am virgo as well)

Zachsmom

Monday, October 21, 2002 - 12:52 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
DAD!!! You're a Virgo too!!! WooHoo..knew there was a reason I liked ya!!!

And Nancy too!! YEAH!!!! Virgos unite..

ummm..do Virgos have the ability to "unite" together? I mean..who would be in charge?

Bob2112

Monday, October 21, 2002 - 01:06 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Zmommy, I just noticed that Great Grandma Buttercup is a scorpio, just like me, Geogirl and Jmm.

You and Grandpa draHeiD don't stand a chance!


<P.S. Don't tell anyone about the binoculars!>

Nancy

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 06:16 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875



Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Nancy

Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 07:00 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." -- Woody Allen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Nancy

Friday, October 25, 2002 - 05:24 am EditMoveDeleteIP
by Ron E. Lunde


Friday, October 25, 2002
Dresses for street walking.

Outside a Paris dress shop


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.

Nancy

Friday, October 25, 2002 - 05:25 am EditMoveDeleteIP
humm i am going to do an infomercial--maybe its on weigh loss LOL :)

Nancy

Saturday, October 26, 2002 - 01:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Saturday, October 26, 2002

O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.

Lancecrossfire

Saturday, October 26, 2002 - 02:42 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Today's is great!! LOL!