Archive through October 17, 2002
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TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 April: JOKES (ARCHIVES): Archive through October 17, 2002

Babyruth

Friday, September 27, 2002 - 06:57 am EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL!! Thanks for the jokes! These are a great way to start the day. :)

Aunt_Bob

Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 11:46 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Good Eats

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked
if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

Sia

Monday, September 30, 2002 - 04:35 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Aunt_Bob, I love that story; I'd heard it with a few different details: A man & his wife give a dinner party & wearily clean up in the wee hours of the morning, putting leftovers away, etc., & the hubby finds canned dog food in the fridge & eats it on crackers. The next morning as they're discussing their successful party, he asks his wife to buy more of the liver pate' that he'd eaten the night before. She says, "Honey, our guests ate all the pate' so I don't know what you could've eaten. Upon checking the fridge they find it was dog food. The DH says he doesn't care--he wants more of the same kind. In fact, he insists that she buy a case per week.

The grocer expresses curiosity about her buying so much dog food; he asks if they have gotten a couple of new dogs, but she tells him her DH is EATING it. Grocer warns her that it could kill him. She tells him not to worry & continues to buy a case per week.

When she stops buying the dog food, the grocer inquires as to the reason. He says, "I told you it would make your husband sick or even kill him!" She says, "Well, he is dead, but it wasn't the dog food that did him in." When the grocer inquires further, she reveals her hubby's fate:

He was hit by a car while licking his **** by the side of the road.

Oh, now you're gonna kick me out of the clubhouse for that awful joke!! Sorry if I've offended anyone. Moderate that right out of here if it is inappropriate; I won't mind!!

Aunt_Bob

Monday, September 30, 2002 - 08:54 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Oh Sia ! ! ! That is not an awful joke and nothing to be moderated or sorry for...except maybe for making me laugh so hard. I LOVE THAT VERSION, too. Mine was a feline version, yours, a canine version. Gee, wonder if there are any other 'species' versions out there! Thanks for the morning laugh.

*NOTE: It's so good to see you posting here (again). I meant to say that earlier.

Sia

Monday, September 30, 2002 - 10:47 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Hi, Aunt_Bob! I felt guilty for talking so "dirty." You see, I was cast to play the girl-next-door & I'm afraid of letting my spirited side show, lest Arnold Shapiro run me out of the BB house! ROTFL! Seriously, you never know what will offend someone, & the image of a man doing that by the side of the road is, well, disturbing!! Can you spell "contortionist?" kitty-lick

Aunt_Bob

Monday, September 30, 2002 - 11:18 am EditMoveDeleteIP
ACTUALLY, Sia ... the MENTAL IMAGE of a man doing 'that' by the 'side of the road'... has got me in stitches ... again!!! So, let's move on to another joke ... ok, 'spirited girl next door'!!!

BTW - did you read my 'Tandem Story' in this thread? Now that epitomizes 'racy'! Ahhh ... but in such a humorous way. *And, it was shared as a 'true story'.

Goddessatlaw

Monday, September 30, 2002 - 11:33 am EditMoveDeleteIP
So this blind guy goes into the grocery store, stands in the middle of an aisle, picks his seeing-eye dog up by the tail and starts whinging him in a circle over his head.

Grocer sidles up: "What are you doing?"

Blind Guy: "Having a look around."


(Sorry - my un-PC attempt to stay on topic, which I believe is Piggly-Wiggly humor)

Aunt_Bob

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 10:41 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Ok...So this girl goes into TVCH...takes a peek into General Topics...opens JOKES...scrolls down to most recent post...reads it...and then exclaims, "What the hizeck is Piggly-Wiggly humor?"

She then slowly reaches for the mouse...click! and she's out.

Sia

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 05:43 am EditMoveDeleteIP
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the
same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each
other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells,
"STUPID!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of
the road and has a terrible car wreck.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen!!
Calvin

Aunt_Bob

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 10:04 am EditMoveDeleteIP
pu Another good one Sia! ss
wpf


bb

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." parrot

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, ‘that's not so bad.’

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new ?ho?es." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "What's up Keith?"

Bigd

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 10:49 am EditMoveDeleteIP
EULOGY

She married, and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again, and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she re-married and had 3 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to "Go Forth and Multiply".

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they are finally together."

One mourner, leaning over to a neighbor, quietly asked: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The neighbor replied softly, "I think he means her legs."

Bigd

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 11:01 am EditMoveDeleteIP
That's Amore!!

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When a Japanese knight
Waves his sword in a fight
That's Sam ur ai.

When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine
And you tied up her line
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed
That's a s'more.

When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff
That's "No more!", eh?

Aunt_Bob

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 07:57 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
Ooooooo ... those were great, Big D. Funny stuff!!! gl

Tanku.

Sia

Thursday, October 03, 2002 - 05:39 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Gimme a Push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 a.m. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. Unwillingly, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. The homeowner opens the door to find a man standing at the door. He soon realizes the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to find a guy willing to help us get the car started? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the kind thing to go out there and help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, he opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here....on the swing."

Bigd, I loved your post!

Coaster266

Thursday, October 03, 2002 - 09:51 am EditMoveDeleteIP
World's Funniest Joke (University of Hertfordshire Laughlab)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

The following joke rated a close second:

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

Twiggyish

Friday, October 04, 2002 - 08:11 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Golf joke...

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Aunt_Bob

Friday, October 04, 2002 - 09:53 am EditMoveDeleteIP
OH MY GOSH ... that was awsome ... the kind of joke that you 'can't anticipate' the punch line after just reading the first 2 lines ... that's the kind I like! It was funny and I want to smack him! And I don't even know him!

HEYA HIYA TWIGGY!

Twiggyish

Friday, October 04, 2002 - 10:07 am EditMoveDeleteIP
LOL!

Sia

Friday, October 04, 2002 - 03:59 pm EditMoveDeleteIP
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms--
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The
couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,"
he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Whowhere

Monday, October 07, 2002 - 06:44 am EditMoveDeleteIP
OLE AND SVEN:
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand
new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.

"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked

"Lena gave it to me"

"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"

"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6,
in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked,
got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said "Ole take vatever
you vant."...So I took da car"

"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

Pcakes2

Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 08:48 am EditMoveDeleteIP
This isn't really a joke, but it's a cute story:

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company
refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the
Lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly
appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own Insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, The lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property
and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA !

Aunt_Bob

Wednesday, October 09, 2002 - 10:14 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Pcakes2 ... LOVED IT! Tenka-U


12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' ‘bout 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son ... your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer ... your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Stardog

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 06:40 am EditMoveDeleteIP
Subject: LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
lying on the couch, totally naked. Softly the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her
husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

Wiseolowl

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 10:05 am EditMoveDeleteIP
I could use some help. My son and his fiance have asked me to be the Master of Ceremonies at their wedding - next August. It's unusual but that's the way it is. Anyways, I'm divorced and my former wife of course will be there and I have to come up with something humorous to say. Most jokes at these events revolve around marriage difficulties etc - jokes abot the bride and her inadequacies and so on . I'm going to feel very self-consciousabout doing that sort of thing and I don't want to embarrass anybody by doing so - any suggestions?

Lumbele

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 10:55 am EditMoveDeleteIP
How about jokes about the *groom's* inadequacies? The fact that a lot of guys *still* don't know how to boil water and *when* to say "Yes, dear." might be good fodder for jokes as well. After all this is the 21st century and what has been good for the goose....