Archive through February 07, 2003
TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 February:
HUMORSCOPES (ARCHIVES):
Archive through February 07, 2003
Nancy | Friday, January 10, 2003 - 12:41 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, January 10, 2003 I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke. Leo (July 23 - August 22) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). |
Squaredsc | Friday, January 10, 2003 - 01:22 pm     nancy, these are hysterical. thanks for posting them. |
Nancy | Monday, January 13, 2003 - 11:37 am     by Ron E. Lunde Monday, January 13, 2003 A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither. |
Nancy | Tuesday, January 14, 2003 - 04:25 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, January 14, 2003 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. Lazarus Long -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Libra (September 22 - October 22) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. |
Nancy | Wednesday, January 15, 2003 - 04:28 am     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, January 15, 2003 "After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'" -- Ronnie Shakes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! |
Wargod | Wednesday, January 15, 2003 - 10:46 am     <runs off to organize squid fling.> |
Squaredsc | Wednesday, January 15, 2003 - 01:05 pm     wonder if i will be near resortgirl's resort? thats a heck of a wrong turn. |
Nancy | Friday, January 17, 2003 - 03:37 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, January 17, 2003 "Twelve things to remember: 1. The value of time 2. The success of perseverance 3. The pleasure of working 4. The dignity of simplicity 5. The worth of character 6. The power of kindness 7. The influence of example 8. The obligation of duty 9. The wisdom of economy 10. The virtue of patience 11. The improvement of talent 12. The joy of originating" -- Marshall Field -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! Leo (July 23 - August 22) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!" Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!") Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to mumble. |
Nancy | Tuesday, January 21, 2003 - 06:11 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, January 21, 2003 "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." -- Voltaire (1694-1778) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. |
Nancy | Wednesday, January 22, 2003 - 04:06 am     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, January 22, 2003 "A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." -- Robert Frost -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Nancy | Thursday, January 23, 2003 - 09:04 am     by Ron E. Lunde Thursday, January 23, 2003 Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning. George Carlin, Comedian, As Hippy Dippy Weatherman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks". |
Nancy | Thursday, January 23, 2003 - 09:05 am     you can call me "el mag" for short--now no grumbling.. |
Nancy | Friday, January 24, 2003 - 05:56 am     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, January 24, 2003 "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper". Don't know why. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to go around "nudging" people. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it. |
Nancy | Monday, January 27, 2003 - 04:52 am     by Ron E. Lunde Monday, January 27, 2003 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip". Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. |
Wargod | Monday, January 27, 2003 - 07:32 am     Glad I'm not a Gemini! |
Rogue | Monday, January 27, 2003 - 03:16 pm     Hey, no fair! Oh wait, I'm Gemini! C'mon, aliens!!! <runs off to pack bags and sport pointy hat> |
Suitsmefine | Monday, January 27, 2003 - 03:32 pm     <feigning death!! LOL> OMG wrong gif!!! oh well....I'll just leave it!LOL |
Nancy | Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 05:57 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, January 28, 2003 -- "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- F. P. Jones -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. |
Nancy | Wednesday, January 29, 2003 - 02:37 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, January 29, 2003 It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. Leo (July 23 - August 22) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) |
Nancy | Friday, January 31, 2003 - 06:03 am     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, January 31, 2003 "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." -- Bertrand Russell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!") Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. |
Nancy | Sunday, February 02, 2003 - 05:18 am     yikes i had to go hunting for this today--not in its 'usual' spot LOL by Ron E. Lunde Sunday, February 02, 2003 You guys line up alphabetically by height You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. |
Nancy | Tuesday, February 04, 2003 - 09:12 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, February 04, 2003 People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say. Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Breakfast of Champions -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of short people. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Libra (September 22 - October 22) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...". Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. |
Nancy | Wednesday, February 05, 2003 - 12:50 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, February 05, 2003 "A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." -- Bill Vaughan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to mumble. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. |
Nancy | Thursday, February 06, 2003 - 03:52 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Thursday, February 06, 2003 Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. Mariah Carey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. |
Nancy | Friday, February 07, 2003 - 10:22 am     Friday, February 07, 2003 Ladies are suggested not to have children in the bar. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of poltergeists, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker". |
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