Archive through December 13, 2002
TV ClubHouse: Archive: 2003 February:
HUMORSCOPES (ARCHIVES):
Archive through December 13, 2002
Twiggyish | Monday, November 11, 2002 - 03:07 pm     I don't know what mine means, but it sounds like fun..LOL |
Chiparock | Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 08:20 pm     "Cancer (June 21 - July 22)- Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil." What a perfect idea! I had been flinging the doggie-doo manually over a fence into my brushy area using a pooper-scooper. A catapult is a fun alternative to feces lacrosse. Note to self: get started on that catapult ASAP. Thanks, Nancy! |
Nancy | Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 12:10 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, November 13, 2002 "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -- Galileo Galilei Aries (March 21 - April 19) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Libra (September 22 - October 22) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed. |
Nancy | Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 12:10 pm     OH NO I'm NOT IN massachusetts anymore LOL |
Misslibra | Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 12:39 pm     WOO HOO PARTY TIME!! Nancy are these still humorscopes? That one wasn't very funny. Oh I get it now a "pink slip". Boy, am I slow. I think I need a nap. |
Wargod | Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 12:57 pm     Well,dang, I need to get working on my plans for taking over the world..sure hope that peanut shows up at my door soon though!
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Nancy | Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 08:40 am     by Ron E. Lunde Thursday, November 14, 2002 To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of. Robert Schumann musician jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) |
Nancy | Friday, November 15, 2002 - 05:29 am     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, November 15, 2002 If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them. Phil Pastoretm Newspaper Enterprise Assn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes... Leo (July 23 - August 22) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fidget. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. |
Nancy | Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 05:44 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, November 19, 2002 "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip". Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") |
Nancy | Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 05:45 am     hey: Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly. my self-discipline is fine thank-you very much LOL |
Nancy | Friday, November 22, 2002 - 05:45 am     Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. Libra (September 22 - October 22) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. |
Nancy | Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 06:08 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, November 26, 2002 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. |
Lancecrossfire | Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 01:32 pm     Hehehe--I love it! |
Lumbele | Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 04:15 pm     Pisces, Nancy, what happened to Pisces?LOL Need to tell Sonny Bubbles how his day has been going.  |
Nancy | Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 06:39 pm     lol--sorry that's what i get when i get busy and cut tooo much of the ending junk out hehe Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. |
Nancy | Wednesday, November 27, 2002 - 04:59 am     by Ron E. Lunde Wednesday, November 27, 2002 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. W. C. Fields -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fritter things away. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of being cautious, today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home. |
Lumbele | Wednesday, November 27, 2002 - 10:53 am     Now that's more like it, Nancy, thanks! DH is on his way out with his ball of twine (Leo), I'll be next with my jar of Grey Poupon (Aries). But I am feeling for Junior's fellow students, he had beans last night (Pisces) |
Nancy | Friday, November 29, 2002 - 02:14 pm     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, November 29, 2002 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight". You should be ashamed of yourself. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. |
Nancy | Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 04:54 am     by Ron E. Lunde Saturday, November 30, 2002 -- "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- F. P. Jones ------------------------------------------------------------------------------! Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Deny everything. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually "Did you know that there's a spider on your neck?" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. |
Nancy | Monday, December 02, 2002 - 04:29 am     by Ron E. Lunde Monday, December 02, 2002 "I think it would be a good idea." -- Mahatma Gandi (1869-1948) when asked what he thought of Western civilization -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess"). Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of celery. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. |
Nancy | Tuesday, December 03, 2002 - 11:17 am     by Ron E. Lunde Tuesday, December 03, 2002 Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. Aries (March 21 - April 19) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! |
Nancy | Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 09:33 am     by Ron E. Lunde Thursday, December 05, 2002 "I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends...that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them." -- Adlai Stevenson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. |
Nancy | Friday, December 06, 2002 - 11:07 am     by Ron E. Lunde Friday, December 06, 2002 Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing. Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat. |
Nancy | Monday, December 09, 2002 - 04:16 am     by Ron E. Lunde Monday, December 09, 2002 "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." -- Goethe (1749-1832) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke |
Nancy | Friday, December 13, 2002 - 06:16 pm     sorry i'm bad! by Ron E. Lunde Friday, December 13, 2002 The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven". Humor them -- act impressed. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy". Tomorrow's better, for that one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
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