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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:03 pm
As for how long to wait, it's not a specific period of time. Certainly it should be well *after* the divorce! And then it is a matter of a) when the children have resettled into their new reality; and b) the seriousness of the relationship. I am firmly against introducing young children to someone you are merely dating. They attach very easily, and revolving dates teach them the wrong thing about stability in relationships when they are too young to handle that. However, if you have dated someone long enough that you are considering marriage, then that would be the time to introduce your new partner, on neutral turf with no expectations, and a complete focus on the children. And I should mention that for the most part, especially after a divorce, no one should even consider remarrying until they've been in a relationship for more than a year. JMO
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:16 pm
i think the word we are struggling to come up with is 'selflessness'.
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Happymom
Member
01-20-2003
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:29 pm
Kar, I agree with everything you've posted...including not introducing the kids to to a new girlfriend/boyfriend until well after the divorce. I think one's responsibilities as a parent outweigh the privileges that go along with being an adult...but not every minute of every day. When I've stayed up all night with a sick kid, would I rather have been in my own bed asleep? Yes. Did I sacrifice that night's sleep? Yes. Was it my reponsibility to do that? Yes. Would I ever make a point of telling my kids that ... maybe maybe not. I sure wouldn't make it a big deal or try to give any meaning to it like I had to suffer because of them. If I did say something, it would be along the lines of that is part of parenting. It is part of life. I'd do the same for my elders too or my spouse or adult child too, if they were that sick. I don't believe in letting a child become selfish or spoiled or self centered because of me putting some of my WANTS before their NEEDS though. I am not being very articulate, sorry.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:33 pm
That's good advice about not imposing definitions on other people, Kar. Unfortunately, when people use personal anecdotes to illustrate a point, the response referencing that anecdote is sometimes – personal. I apologize for phrasing it that way. In the future I will try to keep my comments at a more general level. With respect to the words that we use like "want vs. choice" it's partly dependent on what we feel comfortable with. I still think there is a difference between choosing to do something and having to do something and that the two are often confused. Parenting is tough. As kids get older, I prefer to consider consequences rather than saying that someone has to do something. For example, there is a consequence to not brushing your teeth. There is a consequence to not cleaning your room or not going to school or not doing a good job at work.
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Happymom
Member
01-20-2003
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:37 pm
I meant to say that I don't believe in spoiling my kids because I put their NEEDS before my WANTS. (And sometimes what they think their needs are, are not what I would consider needs.)
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:45 pm
Jimmer, thanks! And if you prefer not to use the term sacrifice because you don't see it that way, that's fine too. I think many ways can work well. I imagine we all see "sacrifice" differently as well. For me, some things *were* sacrifices because I really had to give up some things I love in order to be a good parent. Other things I had to give up, not really a sacrifice. Yes, it was a choice I made, but yes, it made me sad to give up those things. That's just honest emotion. Consequences are fine, but they don't always work for me. I do believe in "natural consequences" versus punitive ones. Example: brushing teeth. My DS would literally never do it if I didn't make him. And the consequence is bad teeth, cavities, and I'm not about to let him go without the cavities being treated. So I still have to pay the consequence of him not brushing his teeth. And of course, he simply isn't yet capable of comprehending the long term consequences of not brushing his teeth. Another way is to say, if you don't brush your teeth, I won't take you to your friend's house. To me, that's sort of a sillier consequence, because the truth is, you are still just telling him he "has" to do it. I often use those, but I still don't see him (nor does he) as wanting to brush his teeth. I'm sure he'd be quite clear about that! LOL I"m rather looking forward to when he starts dating, so he will *want* to brush his teeth. But then again, that comes with a whole 'nuther set of brain damage, so no real hurry either!
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:48 pm
Happymom, I get what you're saying. I pretty much agree. The only thing we might differ on is that I am pretty clear about the things I do for my son that are above and beyond. I want him to learn to *appreciate* what people do for him, and I think he has to be conscious of that in order to learn to do so. As such, we have a really great relationship. He is very respectful about asking me to go out of my way for him, and very appreciative if I do -- and both without being made to feel guilty or oppressed. And I think that's the way it should be.
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Babyjaxmom
Member
10-20-2002
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 12:57 pm
Sometimes when I ask DS to do something, he'll say, "No thanks." I usually respond by saying, "Do I say 'No thanks' when it's time to make your dinner? Or time to make clean clothes for you?" I think it's important that kids don't take all we do for them for granted. DS's current thing is he thinks he should get paid for doing things around the house. Once again, I'm all, "Do I get paid for making your dinner? Do I get paid for washing your clothes or taking you to school?" I'm trying to teach him that we all have to work together as a family, not always cause it's what we want to do or cause we get paid, but because these things have to be done for the family to work.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 1:01 pm
Work together as a family to make the family work. Golden words, right there.
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Beekindpleez
Member
07-18-2006
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 1:03 pm
My FIL once told me that sacrifice is giving up something good to get something better. 
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Happymom
Member
01-20-2003
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 1:07 pm
Kar, I don't think we differ in that area either. I'm having a hard time explaining myself today. I want my kids to be aware and appreciative too. I am trying to post that I think parents should sacrifice some things as part of being good parents and teaching our kids to be good parents to their children... and also not being martyrs about it ... I probably should stop posting for the day! I honestly got the grade of A on almost everything I wrote for college! (and still do now that I am back in college as an older adult) But I can't seem to write well at all today! Anyway, if Jon has or will soon introduce his kids to his girlfriend or girlfriends, he is not putting the needs of his kids before his own desires. I feel he should put his kids' needs first in this area. There is no changing that they are getting a divorce...but he could handle it all in a way that is so much better for the emotional well being of his kids.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 1:32 pm
Happymom, I agree! 
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 2:03 pm
Kate was sporting a new style this morning on the View. I thought she looked very pretty. She credited the View's hair people.

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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 2:38 pm
It looks much less reverse mullet-ish.
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Dipo
Member
04-23-2002
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 3:06 pm
Wow, that hardly looks like her. And are those false eyelashes?
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 3:23 pm
I wouldn't be surprised. Most women on tv wear them these days.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 3:29 pm
I love false eyelashes. I wore them in a wedding a few months ago.
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Dipo
Member
04-23-2002
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 3:59 pm
I was thinking the make her eyes tilt up at the ends, I was trying to figure out why her eyes looked so different. Maybe it is just the angle.
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Rissa
Member
03-20-2006
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 5:52 pm
Kate gets her own show (with Paula Deen) and The View invites her back Industry insiders tell RadarOnline.com that their new show has a working title of Mom Logic and is based on the popular Web site of the same name. Telepictures is behind the site and the new show. E! Online's Mark Malkin broke the news of Kate's new show this week and now RadarOnline.com has learned that the proposed pilot will contain a mix of advice, health and beauty tips and celebrity gossip geared toward moms and moms-to-be. Rest at link. After initial reaction I think this is a good thing. We all know that Kate was intending to keep up with the show-biz as a way to support her family but this show will take the kids out of the equation.
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Twinkie
Member
09-24-2002
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 6:19 pm
I love it! More power to her. I also love her new look. She look terrific.
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Sabbatia
Member
08-15-2005
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 8:15 pm
My sister watched Monday's show and she said in the background one of the girls said to kate something like How come we only do fun stuff when YOU'RE here??
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 9:14 pm
Wow.. well I did watch the View twice and that is twice more than I've watched it in a year or so.. Good for her! Paula Deen will keep her laughing!
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 9:37 pm
Good for Kate for continuing her career like many of us expected her to. She does love the cameras! Wonder what this means for the TLC show. Also, do we know what network the new show airs on? I bet Jon is green with envy over Kate getting a new show of her own. And wait, I guess Jon was telling the truth about talking with Dr. Phil and Kate. Imagine that.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 9:50 pm
Boy I only hope this will be the end of J&K+8!!! Let people find their own kids to adore. Let the Gosselin kids and Jon fade back into the woodwork.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, September 16, 2009 - 5:04 am
If Jon's truth was that Kate contacted Robin and Phil, then yes..but I don't believe it was to talk about the 'brand'. I am confused though. I thought Kate did tv/appearances on her 'off' week. Jon was photographed night before last in NYC making an appearance at one of the fashion week shows.
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