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Bamaroots
Member
08-30-2006
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 8:29 am
I could sure use some pointers if you have experience dealing with s sociopath. My ex daughter in law exibits all the characteristics and she is reeking havoc in peoples lives especially her children and her mother. It would take tto much space to list everything she has done. She seems to be determined to destroy her mother. Her actions have caused so much pain in her children's lives. There seems to be no way to stop here. She seems to have no conscince and doesn't accept any responsibility for anything she does. She is a pathological liar. She has this inflated opinion of herself and shares it with everyone. At the same time she comes across as the most charming person you could ever know. I am at my witts end to help my grandchildren who are torn apart and are helpless to do anything. She is promiscuous and while still married to my son she took her boyfriend to her son's ballgame. My son and husband as well as her mother were there. She sat with the boyfriend throughout the game. She introduced him as a canadate for a county office. She was working in his campaign and had brought him there to introduce him to friends and parent's of the other boys on the basketball team. He was running for office, but not from the district where my son or the other people at the game could even vote for him. About two weeks later the kids came home from scholl to find the house stripped of most furniture. They had no idea she was leaving. Through cell phone records, my son found hundreds of calls between the two, many in the wee hours of the morning. My son was working third shift. She had been setting all this up by telling people she was afraid of my son, that he had beaten her and mistreated her. With her innocent demeanor and charming wits, many of them believed her especially the ones who had never met my son. She even told them he had beaten his son and that the son was terrified of his dad. She filed for a divorce but didn't ask for anything not even child support. She didn;t want it to go to court. I think many began to wonder why she wouldn't need the support. Then when her son refused to go with her but stayed with his dad, more people wondered about the things she had said. My granddaughter initially refused to stay with her, but finally started alternating weeks. She has told so many hurtful lies. How can one combat such an attack. Her sister believes everything she says or acts like she does. She too has done some mean things, but I don't believe she is a sociopath. She has other problems. I want to stop the assault on my family, but how? You look like a malious vindictive person if you try to expain her behavior. We just have to sit by while she trashes our family with lies. Can anyone offer any advice?
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 8:38 am
First of all, your son needs to immediately file for full legal and physical custody of both children. He should request and demand if necessary, psych evals of both parents to prove that she is not fit as a parent. The most important thing is ALWAYS the wellbeing of minors. There is simply nothing you can do to control her, or stop her from telling lies. Your son chose this woman to marry and you are stuck with that. However, when people ask questions, your answer should always be roughly the same. With a sad and somewhat sympathetic voice, you say something like "we realize so-and-so is very ill, and we are often at a loss to know what to do about that. We have encouraged her to get the help that she needs. In the meantime, we would appreciate any support you can offer us while we deal with this awful situation; including letting other people know that these things she is saying are simply not true." Practice that speech. Say it until you can say it without a great deal of malice (which is understandable). You should develop a network of people who believe you and understand you, and each time she comes up with some horrendous new story, you call them and say "hey, look, now she's saying blah blah blah, can you make sure everyone you know is told that is just another sign of her illness and it's just not true?" Don't elaborate on the story, just a brief description will do. And don't go on and on about it, except to your very closest dearest friends. Keep it simple and short. I'm very very sorry you are having to deal with this. But find your courage and help those grandbabies. Again, that is the most important thing. If you can afford it, counseling for them is a must. Good luck, you'll need it.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 9:00 am
I agree with everything Kar has said. Also, have your son get a notebook and document each thing she has done and date them if possible. I truly believe in Karma, and she will get hers. Hopefully it's in the form of her losing those kids and them having a happy life with their father. I am not sure what state you are in, but in CA the parent who is most likely to grant the other parent visitation usually gets custody. Hopefully your son will tell the judge that he wants his children to have a healthy relationship with their mother, but he feels the best thing for the children is to live with him and visit their mother when she is well. You are all in my prayers. I know EXACTLY what this situation is like and it is why I have custody of my youngest sister.
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Bamaroots
Member
08-30-2006
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 10:11 am
The divorce granted joint custody of the children. As I said above, the son has always stayed with his dad. He just turned 16 and has no intention of living with her. He does sometimes go for one night when she begs him. My granddaughter is 12. She is more vulnerable to her mother's sad tale. Her mother is not above using all kind of emotional blackmail to gain sympathy from my granddaughter. I don't feel we should point out to her just how horrible her mother is while she is still so young. My son has asked her to go to counseling and she refuses. He and his son have been to counseling. The divorce was 3 years ago. My granddaughter was always a daddy's girl and she still loves him but she has been made to feel she is all her mother has. Yet her mother dumps her off with friends and her family all the time. Even on school nights she spends the night away from home two or three times a week. My granddaughter has begun to stay more with my son but feels sorry for her mom. My son feels she is too young to handle all the garbage that is her mother's life. I went for some counseling myself to deal with helping my grandchildren. That is where I learned that my ex daughter in law fits the criteria of a sociopath. It is frightening how dangerous these kind of people can be. I am ill equipped to deal with this. I have never been a person to air any dirty laundry. I stay pretty much to myself since I retired. I have four grown children and four brothers. Most of my socializing is with them. I do have a few friends that I keep in contact with, but it is hard to share all this with them. My daughter in law worked for two judges, both of whom are completely snowed by her. The last one did have to offer her the choice to resign or be fired for calling from the judge's office and threatening a woman who was her mother's friend. She could be heard by other's in the office yelling and cursing the woman. The woman filed a formal complaint. After working at the courthouse, she went to work with one of the most successful developers in our town. At the courthouse she made friends with many of the lawyers in town. At the developers they set here up to be on many important committees in town for their own public relations. Most of these people are completely snowed by her. They think she is the sweetest person in the world. I know many of these people as well. They would think I was a complete fool if I tried to explain what she is really like. She is very good at the work she does and now works for a different developer. She lives rent free in a home owned by a wealthy man in town. It is old home place. My husband's family and his goes way back as friends. In fact, he had the house up for sale and we had talked to him about maybe buying it. But once we saw the inside and saw all the repairs needed, we passed on it. He did call me to tell me he was going to take it off the market and let exdil live there. I don't know how she charmed him into that, but I don't suspect any real personal involvement between them. She is a slick manipulator and uses people all the time. She uses a sad tale of mistreatment for all her life to gain sympathy then she manipulates them and they fall for it. It is the most frustrating thing to deal with. There seems to be no real way to defend against her attacks. My husband says we should just ignor her, but that is so hard for me. She tells lies on my children, on my husband and on me. Nothing like this has ever happened to us before. She has even made friends with one of my husband's cousins and told her all kind of lies. This cousin hasn't told us, another one did. So even within family she is telling lies that one or the other of us has had affairs. We have been married 43 years and never had serious problems between us and yet his family is hearing this junk. We found out before my son married her that she told lies, but we had no idea the depth of her problem. She seems to be evil incarnate. My son remarried this past year. The ex started attending the same church. She has caused problems for them and has caused granddaughter to dislike the new wife. I can't stand it. Thank you for your suggestions. I will defineately try them. But it is near impossible to combat this kind of attack. She is even worse to her own mother who is practically a basket case over the things that have been done to her.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 10:23 am
FWIW, she sounds more like a borderline personality, rather than a sociopath. Sociopaths are generally not so volatile. Your granddaughter should be forced to go to counseling. She is undergoing great damage at a young age. I'm sorry, but this letting things go stuff just infuriates me when it comes to children. Her father needs to stand up and make it happen. He should keep a log of every incident with her mother (esp any that indicate bad parenting), with date, time and details. He will need this so that eventually he can go to court again and get full custody. There is no need to point out how "horrible" mom is to her children. She is not "horrible", she is *mentally ill.* YOU need to get that. She is not evil, she is *mentally ill.* In other words, she likely cannot help her compulsive and irrational behavior. She needs help. Your anger is understandable, but YOU need a new way of looking at her, so you can deal with her, and help your grandchildren. You don't tell a child someone is horrible, you tell them "yes, she does some things we don't understand, and we don't agree with; and we are concerned about that behavior. However, our main concern is YOU, and we want you to know that you can tell us anything and rely us for everything." This validates what the child knows, that something is really wrong, without casting judgment or blame. And it tells her she has an ally. Not someone she has to defend her mother to, but someone who will listen to her feelings. Hopefully your therapist is helping you with this. You are correct that it is near impossible, but the good news is that borderlines generally deteriorate over time, so more and more people will see that there is something wrong with her.
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 11:14 am
I understand what you are going through. Wish I had some miracle answer, but the only encouragement I can offer is this....truth comes out with time. In the situation in my family, it was horrid for a while....and some people who should have known better took her side....even with accusations that could easily be discounted if someone thought about them logically. They have come to see the truth (it helped that the ex-husband got 9-mo. custody on the basis of extensive psychological evaluations of the two of them and their kids.) Various family members dealt with it different ways...some emotionally, some ignoring the situation. Based on observation, responding emotionally is not the best handling. I live in a relatively small city and they have children, so I do run into her. At first I totally ignored her. Now I can be cordial, but maintain a coolness. I think she feeds on the emotions of others....and loves when someone responds to her outright so she can discuss it with everyone she runs into later. Ignoring her is another kind of drama to be discussed with all of her contacts, so I try not to do that either. Cool detachment seems to do the trick. Ultimately my thought is that it must be horrible to be her, and I am OK with letting that be her consequence. I do think she is dangerous... and will not have a relationship with her. But we will always have to have contact with her, and as a support for their kids I will make sure that I do my part to stay out of the drama. They know who she is and how she is, but she is still their mom. She hurts them on a regular basis, but it doesn't help for me to inflame the situation. I love them....and avoid discussion about her. Remember those who love you, know the truth of who you are...and the rest don't matter (What's that quote? "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.") Life's too short to give in to the joy-suckers!
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Merrysea
Moderator
08-13-2004
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 11:41 am
Bama, I agree with Karuuna that your granddaughter needs to go to counseling, whether she wants to or not. It is also important to know that it will not be short-term; in fact, if she is resistant, it may take several months for her to learn to trust her counselor. She may initially sit in a session and not say a word, and that's okay. It's part of the process of developing trust.
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Bamaroots
Member
08-30-2006
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 12:48 pm
I may have mislead some of you. I do not have any contact with the ex at all. I have never one time discussed her problems with her children. The granddaughter never brings her up to me, My grandson and I have always had a closer relationship, but he seldom mentions her. When he does, I listen, but i never crticize her to him. I just try to give them happiness when we are together. The place where my son has worked for over 20 years just closed two weeks ago, so he is unemployed at the moment. HE has had deeper discussions with the children than I have and my counselor says it is best for him rather than me to do that. Her mother has tried to get her to get counseling for the kids, but she says they are fine and don't need it. My son and grandson have had counseling together and seperately. The granddaughter refuses to go. When my son has tried to force it, she just goes to her mother's and stays for a while. I agree that she is mentally ill, but she is also evil. My counselor says that sociopaths have no conscience and feels no guilt about what they do or who they hurt. Maybe she is not evil but she does evil things.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 12:53 pm
When my sister gets upset about her mother, I explain that it's not personal, her mother loves her, and she's just sick. I also explain that it is not her job to care for her mother and she cannot help her by ruining her own life in the process. 12 is a very rough age. I'd say 12 is tougher than 17 because of the awkwardness, the influx of hormones, and the balance of childhood and teenagehood.
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Bamaroots
Member
08-30-2006
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 3:02 pm
escapee, you are so right. I want to help as much as I can but being the grandmother hampers me from just forcing gd from getting counseling. I have offered it to her,but I cannot force her. I have no legal standing. I don't think her mother mistreats other than the example she sets. Years ago I thought she might have borderline personality disorder, but the counselor thinks she is a sociopath. She doesn't feel bad about the harm she causes. She tells lies even ones that are not harmful to anyone they are just lies. She has an inflated opinion of herself and never accepts responsibility for the damage she does. The only criteria of a sociopath that doesn't fit her is that she didn't get into a lot of trouble when she was young. Karuuna, she is horrible. The root may be mental illness, but she definitely is a horrible person I don't know where you got the idea I had ever told my grandchildren any negative things about her. I am not a fool. I know that would be harmful to them and they don't need that. It is unlikely she will seek serious counseling because she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. I don't mean this to sound snippy, but I never wrote that I had told either of my grandchildren how horrible their mother is nor ever criticized her to them. I don't know what I wrote that gave you that idea. I won't take the space to enumerate all the things she has done, but it is massive. I did take the step to get a counselor to help me understand her and I have followed his advice. I just thought there might be someone here who encountered a like situation and could help me. I am well aware that my granddaughter needs to go for counseling, but I can't force it to happen. I can suggest it but I can't force it. My son doesn't get it that her issues could run deep. Except for the one time she got angry with him, when she is with him she is happy o lucky. She doesn't tell him any problems with her mother. She writes glowing tributes to her on facebook. Her mother buys her anything she wants lets her go spend all the time she wants with friends and pretty much do what she wants to do. I am not a member of facebook but have been told what she posts there. I have spent the last year caring for my mother up through her death in May. I'm sorry if I sound cold to the ex, but it is no fun to be attacked by her lies. I don't call her and confront her. I have nothing to do with her. I want her to leave me and my family alone but there is no stopping her. I received so much good help from the folks who go to the board for caring for aging parents, I thought I could get some input for dealing with this as well. If you have never had to deal with this, you have no idea how devastating it can be. I agree that my son should get gd to counseling. I have explained how important it is, but I cannot make him do it. The fact that she has a mental illness does not make it easy to deal with what she does. Many people who commit murders are mentally ill. It doesn't make the victim's families deal with the consequences any better.The loss and damage is real to them. If a mentally ill person is threatening the well being of your family, your first instinct is to protect them from the harm and danger they face. You can be sympathetic later but during the attack you just want to protect them.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Friday, September 10, 2010 - 4:19 pm
I'm sorry you misunderstood me Bama. Rather than frustrate you further, I will just bow out now. I wish you well.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, September 11, 2010 - 11:54 am
Bama, thanks for the nice post in my folder, and for taking the time. I just don't want to cause you any more frustration, since I know you already have plenty in your life. FWIW, there was nothing in any of my post that was meant to be accusing, more education. Perhaps you are not aware that I am a mental health professional, so I come at things from that point of view and mindset, altho it is NOT my intent to diagnose or treat anyone here in any way! Please be clear about that. It is my experience however, that in spite of never saying anything negative about their mom, children know how you feel. They are extremely intuitive. In fact, since I work with children, I will tell you that (again in my experience), some of the most damage comes from people acting as if nothing is wrong when something is very very wrong. It makes those children doubt their own judgment for a lifetime. And it causes great issues with trusting others in life as well, if no one will speak truth with you early on. So my suggestions (and that is all they were) is to validate that indeed something is wrong and to find a way to do it without judging their mother. FWIW, I do probably have a reasonable understanding of what you are dealing with, having been raised by a mother who was borderline-personality-disordered. And so, I also have a some idea of what those children are going thru. I do know that it is not easy to be forgiving and understanding toward someone who seems intent on doing you such harm. However, I also know that it is the best way to recover your own personal peace with the situation. Seeing it as driven by mental illness (which I believe it is from your own descriptions) rather than vindictiveness, can help a great deal in finding that forgiveness and peace. I was only trying to explain that, in my own clumsy way, hoping it would be of some help. The ONE thing I am insisting on is that, in whatever way you can, you should continue to tell your SON (not you, I know you have no control) that his daughter should get counseling. The damage that is being done to her is HUGE, even if you can't see it overtly. She truly is in need of professional help. I hope that you will reconsider ways in which you can be more convincing with your son about how important that is. There is no need for an apology, you are under a great deal of stress, and I have great empathy for you in this horrible circumstance.
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Bamaroots
Member
08-30-2006
| Sunday, September 12, 2010 - 1:19 am
This has been a very stressful year for me. Besides losing my mama and dealing with the fallout from ex dil, I have had to deal with a lawsuit files against me from a minor car accident that happened in 2007. I don't see why these things have to drag on so long. One brother had to have stints put in. Another brother was hospitalized twice. Once for gall bladder surgery and once for bleeding caused from diverticlitis.I think the stress from helping carie for mama was parly responsible. I have type 1 brittle diabetes and have had a rough time keeping it regulated this past year. I'm really sorry about my snippy reple. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I must be more thoughtful in how I word things so it won't sound like I am upset or mad when that isn't what I mean. I truly do appreciatr all the help and advice I have found here.
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Biscottiii
Member
05-29-2004
| Sunday, September 12, 2010 - 4:04 am
(((((Bamaroots))))) just wish I could offer you more than a hug! Your descriptions made my fur stand on end. My ex left me bankrupt, he was definitely a sociopath!!! And he was so charming everyone, including my family, bought into it until the ugly end. Surprising that my religious Sis & her Husband were the ones that sent money for my downpayment to file for divorce, nobody else would. I think the absolute lowest point for me was when I got the 24-Hr Disconnect Notice pasted to my front door (for all the neighbors to see) from the Electric Utility as a result of my bankruptcy. Same company that I had been employed for 17 years. Since I was bankrupt, that meant the Utility needed my electric paid upfront in the future, 24-hr notice to pay up or disconnect. Explaining to the Credit Manager, that I had just had coffee break with previous afternoon as part of our coffee group, about the personal issues going on in my home. Rough & I felt so violated. Had to go bankrupt (sure couldn't afford all the credit cards I didn't even know about) because as a person in Finance Division (I was a secretary, logging in timesheets) any garnishments (handled by the Payroll Dept to pay my bills for me! <insert throwup smiley>) for however many years meant that I was a risk of potential blackmail. Black list for the rest of my career. I could never possibly try to even hope for a promotion. So bankruptcy was the only option, couldn't cash in the retirement w/o quitting the job. I had a restraining order to keep him from applying/using credit. Silly me! All that turned out to mean was that I had 10 years to collect back from him (should I ever find him). Best thing that ever happened was for me a few months later, the company changed the phone prefix to all our downtown numbers incl. mine then the landlord sold my building for demolishing so I moved to a far away part of town. No kids involved. He had no way of finding me. So I wish better days for you and your family Bamaroots! When there's kids and custody involved, it's a whole more enormous situation. Sounds like you're doing the best you can and handling it from sound advice of your counselor and son. Good luck! ETA: I guess the point I meant to make was that, when it comes to a sociopath, no amount of demolition or devastation is even in their comprehension. It's utterly beyond their scope.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-30-2000
| Sunday, September 12, 2010 - 7:27 am
((((Bama))))
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Bamaroots
Member
08-30-2006
| Sunday, September 12, 2010 - 8:13 am
((((((((((((Biscpttiii)))))))))))) God bless you forever. The devastation you have suffered makes me ashamed to even mention my problems from ex dil. I think the sociopath's most dangerous weapon is their ability to be so charming. People just can't imagine that anyone so sweet and kind could possibally harbor such destructive feelings to whom ever their victim(s) happen to be. Thier second most damaging trait, to me, is that they have no conscience. How can one possibally appeal to them when they have no remorse for the damage they do? We have suffered no economic losses because of her so our problems are no where near as severe as yours. Iwish so much that I could do something for you. I shouldn't even be here complaining about her. I do worry about my grandchildren. Our grandson was well on his way to being a star basketball player at the local level. He worked so hard all summer practicing for hours everyday during the summer. My husband said what he admired most about grdson's accomplisments was that he worked hard for it. It wasn't a God given talent. He was still in middle school when the divorce happened. The high school coach couldn't wait for him to get on his team. He did go out for the team, but quit before the games started. He stopped seeing his long time friends and drifted into a group who used drugs amd he began to experiment with them. We were able to convince him to get away from that life style, but he is not the same happy go lucky kid he was before. Enough about my problem. I am so glad you were able to get away from the one in your life. It brings me to tears to know how you have suffered. You must have the greatest strenght to have survived such losses and be able to keep your sanity. I salute you for being stronger and braver than I. You will be on my mind and heart ((((((((((((((((Biscottiii))))))))))))))))
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Sunday, September 12, 2010 - 8:48 am
(((((((Bisc)))))))) ((((((((Bama)))))))) I am so sorry that you both have suffered at the hands of such toxic people. You both deserve only good things and good people in your lives from here on out.
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Biscottiii
Member
05-29-2004
| Sunday, September 12, 2010 - 11:21 pm
The devastation you have suffered makes me ashamed to even mention my problems from ex dil. I think the sociopath's most dangerous weapon is their ability to be so charming. People just can't imagine that anyone so sweet and kind could possibility harbor such destructive feelings to whom ever their victim(s) Oh no, in the long run I came out FINE! That was in 1987. But from it I learned that I could do just fine on my own, I didn't need a mate to make it in life. I'm retired now (thank you bankruptcy court for not forcing me to quit my job! It was $16,000 of debt and it was my lawyer that found all the accts I didn't know about since he got home from work earlier and could hide the bills). Past 12 years I live in a house that I own by myself & the mortgage company, sure never could have accomplished that if I had kept trying to stick it out with him. Thank g_d for friends that finally convinced me to bite the bullet and get out, it was getting physically & emotionally abusive as well. It was an education in how Community Property laws in my state work - she who has a job and can be easily be found gets stuck with ALL the bills. I would never consider marrying again, frankly. But I think, Bama, that you do a service by bringing this post up. The problems and emotional devastation to your Grandkids is a potentially WORSE thing than even money or bankruptcy could ever produce in the long term. The fact that your Grandson lost ground in his hard work getting on the team just breaks my heart! It's hard enough just dealing with parents divorce by kids in a normal situation. I think this thread is a healthy reminder to people that "charm" and smiles can leave a real destruction in the wake of their paths. So when family or friends are saying things are not okay in this relationship, there won't be an air of disbelief. ETA: I think the lies are all part of the cover-up. Like, "the best defense is a good offense" methodology. Thanks for the hugs ((Bama)) and ((Mames)). You're both so sweet!
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Bamaroots
Member
08-30-2006
| Monday, September 13, 2010 - 3:35 am
I am happy to hear that your life has returned to normal. I wish mine could. But then what is normal? I feel great compassion for anyone who has to deal with a sociopath. With them, it is never ending how they disrupt lives all around them. My ex dil just remarried a week ago. She married a man with three young boys ages 4 to 12. I worry about them. I considered contacting the man, but I don't like to meddle in the business of others. Thar is not my nature. My grd daughter made the comment that it wouldn't last a week. The man she had the affair with that led to the divorce went back to his wife after a year of dealing with exdin. He was her mother's age and a womanizer. My grdson did make the team, he just quit. My husband and I tried so hard to get him to play, but his heart wasn't in it. He still doesn't know that his mother had an affair with one of his coaches. I think that would do him in. There needs to be a greater awareness of sociopaths in the general public. I was ill prepared to recognize or deal with her behavior. The charm they exude knocks you off guard. Their lack of conscience is foreign to most people. You keep thinking that they will realize how much hurt they cause and change their ways. Yet I wonder if they can ever be helped when they have no conscience to convict them or make them feel sorry for the things they do. They behave like monsters smashing through people's life whose greatest mistake is loving them.
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Sunshyne4u
Member
06-17-2003
| Tuesday, September 28, 2010 - 2:56 am
while trying to seem supportive, i must say that I object to armchair psychological Diagnosis done by anyone except someone in the field. I think Karuuna would agree that we can Theorize this woman MAY have mental issues or even a clearly diagnostic mental disorder like being a sociopath. Anger can show itself in many forms. I see repeated comments about "attacks" yet i havent seen one clear example of how you yourself!! was attacked. During a messy divorce I think everyone ends up pointing fingers as to whom is the 'good one' and whom is 'Bad'. We do not know what Happened in the home before the divorce. no parent wants to believe their son or daughter were violent or verbally attacking/ instigating. The woman MAY be an excellent liar but if she truly has a mental issue I would keep out of it completely. There WILL come a time where the woman may have a meltdown and then it is really important to have kept 'the door open'. Personal experience with a similar situation makes me reply to those posts. The lady i knew Snowed everyone. She told everyone that would listen AND the police, that her 6'7 husband would beat her and threatened to kill the whole family. She constantly would tell outlandish stories and as neighbors we knew she had serious mental issues (on and off antidepressants and a previous Suicide attempt) this woman Snowed everyone at Social Services and no matter what we said and what we documented/ witnessed, social services goes for the mother/ takes her side. it is jsut the way it is. the school even complained. The school counsellor threatened legal action due to the mom's rage filled rants. The school also called Social services when it was noticed the children didnt have food for lunches for DAYS on end. the mom would lie and act like she was sick with a flu/ claiming she was ill and trying her best. This woman played an excellent victim role. If you didnt know her well, anyone would believe her lies. eventually she had a meltdown , it took about three years. By this time She had given one of the kids to the exhusband because she supposedly couldnt handle her anymore. The two youngest came home from school one friday to find the door locked and Mom gone. Days went by and NO one knew where she was or where the kids were supposed to go- FINALLY social services understood what we had been saying for years. Yes the Dad ended up with ALL three of his kids. Yes, the Vicious abuser who beat and threatened to kill his WHOLE family was found to be a gentle giant of a man who wouldnt 'beat' anyone. ON the other hand I know of PLENTY of selfish parents who party and slough the kids onto others so they can go out at night. it isnt a sign of Mental illness to want to have a social life, its a sign of Severe Selfishness and possibly poor selfesteem (looking for approval) anyways, I hope my experience will help you deal with this bad situation. I would AVOID using words like she is ILL, or Attacking etc. The kids Love their mom regardless. I saw a show about a man who was horribly abused as a child. Starved, beaten, chained to a toilet for years, burnt with an iron, Scalded with bleach in a bathtub. And there he was on tv crying about how much he loved his mother. i think all we can do as adults as give those children as much love and support as possible but try to keep our opinions to ourselves infront of them. Most importantly, make sure all kids know that they can tell you ANYTHING in private and you will respect that. This is something that i did with the kids of the Crazy mom I posted above. Those kids are like extended family and now years later they are very close with us because "we know" They dont need to be secretive about their mom and the terrible experiences they witnessed. i'm tired and probably not being as clear as I'd prefer. No intent to lecture or be dismissive. Its a bad situation and you have ALL my sympathy.
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Bigd
Member
09-13-2001
| Thursday, November 11, 2010 - 9:37 am
My oldest son is a diagnosed sociopath. I do love him dearly, but the only thing that has ever worked is tough love. Close to the end of his teen years and all of his early 20's I managed to find a counselor that taught me how to administer tough love, even when everything in me was screaming not to. My son learned, over a long, long period of time that his unacceptable behaviors simply would not be tolerated. This caused much pain for me and my son and the rest of our family. Tough love will usually result in separation for sometimes long periods of time. Unfortuneately (for us and her) my son had a daughter during some of the roughest times of his life. Bad for her, bad for him and bad for me. It caused me to be separated from her regularly, sometimes for months on end, and yes once for almost two whole years. It has been pretty dismal picture for most of my son's life. I could write what would probably be a best seller book on the horrible, horrible things that have happened. Even with my family and friends - unbelievable betrayals brought on by my son's illness. I'll never write that book though, Life lessons are very personal... for me and my son. He is gorgeous to look at a charming to a fault. These are his biggest assets and he uses them very effectively. I am happy to tell you that my son is now 35 years old and his daughter is 15. We see and speak to each other on a regular basis. My son has gotten some very good counseling, takes medications that help him cope and he is able to lead what amazingly resembles a near normal life (for him). He is able to work and support himself in his own business (remodeling/construction) and he now has full time custody of his daughter. Neither of them (my son or his daughter)are without their problems, but they manage to maintain. If you had asked me even 5 years ago if this was possible I would have assured you that is absurd. But they are my living proof. I could not be more proud of him or love him more. My tough love did cause some trust issues, which is exactly what my counselor told me when he was teaching me, but as of right now all those techniques paid off. Plus God is good to us. You cannot do anything for your DIL - nobody can. Only she can. Pray for her. Prayer works. It a'int always fast, but it's always effective. And remember that one of the best things that can happen to your grandchildren is for their parents to be mentally and emotionally healthy. My heart goes out to you.
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