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Reality TVClubHouse Discussions: General Discussions ARCHIVES: May 2010 ~ August 2010: Daily Humor users admin

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Archive through June 23, 2009Dogdoc25 06-23-09  11:18 am
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Ophiliasgrandma
Member

09-04-2001

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 - 11:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ophiliasgrandma a private message Print Post    
I took speed-reading years ago and have never regreted it.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 - 12:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I read incredibly fast and have since I was little. LOL - Made life easier in school (considering my lack of focus in some other respects).

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 - 3:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
I took seepd radieng yares ago too. I froogt it all.

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 - 7:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    




Supergranny
Member

02-03-2005

Thursday, July 16, 2009 - 6:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Supergranny a private message Print Post    
TRAFFIC CAMERA
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture
was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He
thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he
drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried
a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when
the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Saturday, July 18, 2009 - 8:55 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
Tiny giggles:

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
 
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six..'
 
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
 
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
 
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
 
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
 
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
 
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
 
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
 
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
 
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
 
"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance  in the rain."

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 - 1:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texannie a private message Print Post    
I don't know if this is the right spot...but i thought this was great!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

Rissa
Member

03-20-2006

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 - 2:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
RFLOL! Should be a long, successful marriage with such a great sense of humour.

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 - 4:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
Hahahaha, that was cute. Can't believe I watched the whole thing.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Friday, July 24, 2009 - 3:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texannie a private message Print Post    
wasn't it amazing??? i wonder what their first dance was? LOL

Karen
Member

09-06-2004

Friday, July 24, 2009 - 3:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karen a private message Print Post    
First dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqiw-Kqtlr0

Bluejaxrock
Member

04-23-2004

Sunday, July 26, 2009 - 12:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bluejaxrock a private message Print Post    
Karen, I don't think that's the same couple, but Jill & Kevin, the wedding entrance dance, were on a morning show and said they did have another
"choreographed" first dance at the reception. I haven't been able to find that one.
I liked the one you posted, though. I Like Big Butts...lol

Karen
Member

09-06-2004

Sunday, July 26, 2009 - 2:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karen a private message Print Post    
I know it's not the same couple. I just thought it was a funny first dance.

Ktbb
Member

08-10-2003

Monday, July 27, 2009 - 7:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ktbb a private message Print Post    
Those videos were hysterical. Thanks so much. I needed a good laugh.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, July 30, 2009 - 2:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
You know you're from California if:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body peircings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Kitt
Member

09-06-2000

Thursday, August 20, 2009 - 12:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kitt a private message Print Post    
This is doing the email rounds, but I thought it worth sharing. Sorry men, it's a joke for the women!

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no Emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the doctor or hospital.

He must also make biscuits or cakes for a social function..

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting..

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 8:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks,
and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's
weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

All the above must be completed whilst working in either full time (preferably) or part time employment to assist in the financial input for the family.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right

To be called Mum!

Sportsfan
Member

09-03-2007

Friday, August 21, 2009 - 6:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sportsfan a private message Print Post    
 d

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Thursday, September 03, 2009 - 7:33 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
All Puns Intended:

1. Two tv antennas get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.  

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
 
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home..'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
 The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer..'

18.. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Tishala
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 - 1:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tishala a private message Print Post    
Got this email today called ...."And then the fight started":

My wife sat down next to me on the sofa as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered..

I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage . I hooked up the boat to the van, then proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."

My loving wife of one year replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car and looked at me, then shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then, which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

My wife said, "My God! Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Monday, October 12, 2009 - 9:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Wednesday, November 11, 2009 - 10:11 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'

Twinkie
Member

09-24-2002

Tuesday, November 24, 2009 - 9:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twinkie a private message Print Post    
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the **** was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

Biscottiii
Member

05-29-2004

Saturday, January 30, 2010 - 7:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Biscottiii a private message Print Post    
IF YOU MARRY A MINNESOTA GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the Midwest.

The first man married a woman from South Dakota. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from North Dakota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees..

Biscottiii
Member

05-29-2004

Monday, February 01, 2010 - 12:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Biscottiii a private message Print Post    
Charlie Chaplin- Table Ballet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoKbDNY0Zwg

Charlie Chaplin does the infamous table ballet

Tishala
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 1:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tishala a private message Print Post    
Paul Lynde-Hollywood Squares questions and answers

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but it still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that !

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 2:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Gidget a private message Print Post    
Miss him.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 3:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Thanks Tish, that gave me a much-needed chuckle!!!

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Tuesday, February 23, 2010 - 7:39 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
The Unstoppable Virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.     

 
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that! 

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep! 

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well, shoot! 

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again! 

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."  Don't you just hate that! 

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
 
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Lumbele
Moderator

07-12-2002

Thursday, May 20, 2010 - 9:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lumbele a private message Print Post    
An e-mail I received and all to true.....

The other day, someone in the store at our town read that a methaphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and asked me a rhetorical question...Why didn't we have a drug problem when we were growing up?

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday mornings. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials, no matter what the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in moms garden and flower beds. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help some poor soul who had no one to mow their lawn, repair their clothesline, or chop some firewood, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin.

God bless the parents who drugged us!