Author |
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 7:31 pm
I mis-typed in my original post when I said this is my fourth "job" as secretary. I meant to say that this is my fourth consecutive YEAR as secretary for an organization that I became part of in 2004. I have been elected twice (two-year terms each time) and feel obligated to fulfill my term. There are only three meetings per year: late May, early July and late September. I want to be at the meeting to be allowed OUT of the extra job that got dumped in my lap last May, that of writing press releases. I am NOT paid for my services. I can submit my expenses (which I haven't done for a couple of years) and get reimbursed for postage, envelopes, etc. The organization doesn't pay for my printer cartridges, internet access, etc., although it would be great if it did. You know how some people just are never happy? I am probably the youngest member of this organization and a few of the older folks are grumpy and not happy no matter what you do. I've won over the ones who were difficult to deal with when I first met them. Most people tell me I do a great job and they prefer my newsletters to the ones that were produced in the past. I will be honest: tonight I asked my son to tell me if he cared if I missed his graduation in order to attend the meeting, and I was surprised to hear that he actually wants me there. I honestly thought he'd prefer if I'd stay away. DS pointed out that I'm not paid for my position; he didn't really articulate WHY he wants me there, although I know he loves me. I may--I say, MAY--go to the graduation, but I hate to go back on my word when I've taken a stand. I may be one of the most stubborn people you've ever met. No, I don't think the teacher should pass my daughter when she's earned failing grades, but I feel like such a failure knowing that nothing I've done has motivated DD to turn in her work. The math is over her head, it's over my head, and I've not been able to help her much with it. My daughter has felt so frustrated, and I remember exactly how that feels: I felt dumber than a post when I got Ds in high school algebra class. Even the TEACHER made fun of me for needing a second, even a third explanation of the problems. My heart breaks for her and I wish I could help her more than I'm able to do. I'm so much better with language--any language, in fact--than with mathematics. I do have a college degree: it's in English, not in Math. I hate pushing the responsibility of taking the minutes onto someone else when it's supposed to be my job to do it. It's also difficult to take those notes and try and interpret them and type them up afterward. I've had to do that before, and it's not easy to figure out what someone else meant. Over the years, I've been known to just ditch BOTH events when I'm forced to choose in this way. It's just too much pressure. I'm tired, I hurt, I'm depressed, and I'm unhealthy. All good reasons to just stay in bed! Thanks for your advice, friends; it's hard to know what to do, and it's extremely difficult to think of going back on something I've already announced to my family that I intend NOT to do. Your words and arguments are making it easier for me to consider going back on my word and actually attending the graduation. I know it's only once that he will graduate from 8th grade, and there are only four 8th graders graduating. My son has attended the same private Christian school since first grade and he's been with the same group of kids all these years. His class has dwindled from 10 or 15 to the current four students. Again, thanks.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 7:42 pm
"and I was surprised to hear that he actually wants me there." what more do you need to hear?
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 7:53 pm
...but I hate to go back on my word when I've taken a stand. I may be one of the most stubborn people you've ever met. That's the proverbial "cutting off your nose to spite your face" if I've ever seen it! You will earn the respect of your son and your family if you simply say that you were reacting emotionally to being hurt, but that you wouldn't miss his graduation for the world. It will open up lines of communication to be used after the graduation celebration is over and done. For a Mom to tell her child that she was wrong, is huge. And honestly, I think you were wrong in retaliating when you were angry. Sorry, but that's how I saw it.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 7:59 pm
This is something that was written by a guy named Lou Tice. He is a motivational speaker and coach but unlike some he seems like a very sincere down to earth person. I think of this now and then and I think it applies in this situation. ------------------------------------------ How to Say I Love You How do you say, "I love you" to someone you care about? How do you express your feelings of love and affection to your spouse and other family members? Florists would like us to believe that we should "say it with flowers," but I think there are better ways. For instance: If you love me, compliment me often for jobs well done and don't downgrade me, but rather reassure me when I fail. If you love me, listen to what I have to say without judging me or feeling like you have to solve all my problems. If you love me, let me know when you feel low or lonely or misunderstood. It will make me stronger to know I have the power to comfort you. If you love me, respect my silences. Alternatives for my problems, creativity and spirituality often come in times of quiet. And, finally, if you love me, tell me so often, through your talk, your actions and your gestures. Don't assume that I know it. Even if I act embarrassed or deny that I need it, don't believe me. Do it anyway. It is these things done consistently and consciously over the years that build a loving relationship and keep it growing. And, it is the absence of these things that rob life of its joy. ------------------------------------------ Rather than a sign of weakness, I think it is a sign of strength to change your mind and revise decisions after careful thought when presented with an alternative. Sia, I greatly respect your willingness to consider the advice that everyone has offered here and to accept it in the friendly and helpful manner that it is intended.
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Happymom
Member
01-20-2003
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 8:07 pm
I've at times not wanted to go back on my word concerning negative consequences I've given my kids...mostly for fear that they will think they can do whatever it was again and get away with it or similar thinking on my part. But I gradually realized that it is ok to change my mind and reduce their negative consequences and apologize for dealing out negative consequences that were too harsh because I was angry. Sia, you can change your mind and it really won't be going back on your word. Re: your job, since it just a volunteer position, they will find a way to get along w/o you. (actually, even if it was a paid job, they'd be ok for this one important special once in a lifetime event) I am that your son wants you there. I know it's hard sometimes to feel like we are responsible for our kids failures/mistakes/wrongdoings. But we aren't once they are older. Many many parents cannot help their kids with math, especially once they get past elem. school. Sia, please don't blame yourself for your dds struggles with math. It is her choice not to turn in whatever she has even if she knows the math problems are incorrect.
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 8:58 pm
Pamy and Hukd, your most recent posts gave me things I can say (to DS and to myself) to justify going to graduation: he wants me there; and I WAS reacting emotionally out of anger at his bad behavior. Now, Jimmer, you just don't play fair. Your post has me crying tears like a baby. Thank you for your post. Happymom, I really should tell my son that the biggest reason I was planning to miss his event was because, given the way he talks to me, I didn't think he'd even want me there; I didn't think my presence or absence would matter one whit. And my daughter will have all but four or five questions answered on a page and then "lose" it by burying it in her locker or her bedroom, refusing to turn it in because it's not complete and not perfect. It's aggravating, because by the time I know she has outstanding papers she gets little or no credit for the missing work. The teacher drops the score one letter grade for each day the paper is late! It's so frustrating to have DD come home from school, look me in the face and say "I have NO homework" when I find out later that, TECHNICALLY, she didn't have NEW homework but that she did have old math papers to complete and turn in. Oh, I'm so tired of the struggle with this issue. Thanks for your post, too.
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 9:46 pm
"...Even the TEACHER made fun of me for needing a second, even a third explanation of the problems." That makes me angry. Your teacher failed you miserably, and did not do his/her job to teach you. When I was a trainer in my old job, there were some folks who "got it" and some folks who didn't. I learned early on that people process info in a wide variety of ways, and it was my job as a trainer to figure out how they processed that info so I could get the training material across to them so they could "get it" too. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to speak up and say you needed further instruction, rather than bury your head in the sand and avoid the problems. Unfortunately, that looks like what your DD may be doing. And I don't have any easy ideas for that, other than talking to her, relating to her about how you felt back when you were taking Algebra, and perhaps come up with a team effort with her on how she can seek help to learn the material better. As far as DS goes, I think its a brilliant response to admit you made your stand out of anger/hurt feelings. And now that you know he'd like to have you there, you're not only thrilled he wants you there, but nothing will keep you away.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Wednesday, May 26, 2010 - 10:26 pm
Sia, you are the BIGDOG. (Yeah, okay, for those making the connection with my username, I taught my husband that he MUST be the BIGDOG with the dog, or the dog would take over) The same principle holds true here. YOU are the BIGDOG. You are THE MOTHER. You must show the little dog how to be a good and true and real person. Both little dogs. Yes, you have health problems, big health problems, but the MOTHER BIGDOG is the supreme arbiter. The MOTHER Bigdog really does know what is best, and the mother Bigdog will do what is best for the little dogs. And, at the end of the day, that is what it is all about. Go see the Lost finale if you have any questions.
Ban Juju now!!

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Goddessatlaw
Member
07-19-2002
| Thursday, May 27, 2010 - 2:42 am
Sia, I'm very pleased to hear that you are reconsidering the situation and took the initiative to discuss it with your son. It couldn't have been simple for him to admit that he really wants you at his graduation (given the acting out you've described). He does need to know that you are proud of him, even though you're not proud of his behavior much of the time. Best of luck whatever you decide. I do think the members of your organization will understand that your son's graduation trumps an organizational meeting. Surely there is someone who will volunteer to take minutes under the circumstances? And ban Juju, like, yesterday. But she's right about mother bigdogs.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Thursday, May 27, 2010 - 4:29 am
(((Sia))) I am honored that my words helped you. xoxxoxoxoxooxo Take pictures!! I just know I will cry like a baby when I see them!
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Thursday, May 27, 2010 - 5:12 am
Sia my dear friend, this is hard for me to write. But I'm compelled to try to help. I tried yesterday and it took me forever and I ended up deleting most of what I wrote as I couldn't figure out how to really say what I wanted to say. Growing up, my mother only apologized to me maybe twice in my life, and both times dripping with sarcasm when I insisted she was wrong and owed me the apologies. What I intuited from that, was that I wasn't worth it. It took YEARS to teach myself that it's not true. Well most of the time I believe that I'm as 'worth it' as the next person, but the imprinting is very deep on that one. What I'm trying to say is this, your tough-guy, mouthy kid, opened his heart and told you he wanted you, his momma, to be there. You were surprised to learn that his attitude to you is teenage bravado, and in his heart he loves his momma and wants her with him, by his side at this once in a lifetime moment in his life. Time for you to surprise him and show him that you are the momma he loves and wants to believe in, that you will be there for him, that you are there for him. You will make a memory. A positive one that will go a long way to begin the healing. Once the graduation is over, I suggest you take your son to lunch, on his own, yeah a date with his momma, lol, to celebrate the event, to bond, over it, telling him AGAIN, how proud you are of him, and THEN, 'nicely' explain to him that you GENUINELY thought he didn't give a fiddler's fart if you had not gone, because of his overwhelming and consistent bad behaviour with the swearing at you, etc. Tell him that if he's old enough to graduate, then he's old enough to understand that it's hurtful and that he's giving you the wrong message and it's time for him to change things around so he's sending you the real message, of his love and respect for you. Explain to him that love is love, but respect for a parent is part of the package. That you respected his accomplishments and appreciate his love and went to his graduation, that it's time for him to show you the same thing. If this is about backing down, I say this: In a way he 'backed down' by shedding his tough-guy bravado and opening his heart to you. You have an opportunity to do the same (in a good way) for your child. The lesson, I promise you, he will intuit, (crap I'm crying now) is that he's worth it. I believe in my heart that this situation is so much bigger than your not backing down and showing him your word is the be all and the end all. If you know your word is that powerful, then imagine how much it will impact him to discover that you can say: I was wrong, you are more important to me, by far, than anything. Certainly more than any job, (paid or not), or whether it's a good health day or a lousy one.
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Rissa
Member
03-19-2006
| Thursday, May 27, 2010 - 5:39 am
Lots of good advise so I won't comment on that aspect except to ditto. LOL Unless your daughter (and you) have/had a learning disability then there is no failure for needing something explained multiple times except on the side of the teacher for not being able to explain it clearly the first time. And if all the teacher is doing is explaining it the same way.. but...speaking...slower then double shame on them and not your dd. Children learn in 3 ways, visually (better if left on their own to just read the material), audibly (by hearing it explained) or mechanically (actually doing the problem as you learn) or a combination of those three. A good teacher will know how to teach for all three groups. My youngest has a learning disability, she has very poor short term memory which makes math class a nightmare. We can (and have) spent hours working on long division until she has it perfect and does a few dozen problems on her own only to wake up the next morning and not even know which number goes inside the box much less how to work the solution. Once we figured that out and the teacher worked to her strengths her marks went from C's to A's quite literally overnight. Her self-esteem also picked itself up from the cellar it was in and that reflected on her other courses and in her general behavior. Perhaps asking the school to assess your dd? Perhaps not because you think she may have a learning disability but simply to assess her particular learning style. If she can't learn audibly then there is zero point to continuing to teach her that way, right? And same if she is constantly left to read a textbook then do questions based on it if she isn't able to absorb material that way.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Thursday, May 27, 2010 - 7:32 am
Sia, you don't have to justify your attendance at your son's graduation. He's your son, that's reason enough. Has your daughter been tested for LD's or ADHD? She sounds very much like my daughter. If the work started to get difficult she would just implode and stop working. We had so many unturned in homework assignments too. School doesn't come easily to her, but since we put her on medication, it has really helped! She went from making D's and F's to A's and B's. It took a while to find the right meds, but once we did it was like night and day. I am not advocating 'drugging children' unnecessarily at all.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Thursday, May 27, 2010 - 7:41 am
My DD's teacher informed us the other day that DD has improved 1000%, but most importantly she was still the same sweet little girl she always been.
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Prisonerno6
Member
08-31-2002
| Thursday, May 27, 2010 - 12:44 pm
So, last fall, I called a landscaping company to come out and clean up my front garden and re-rock my driveway. They did a good job, came out to the house quickly, and came in well under estimate. So I called them over a month ago to set up the spring clean-up. This time I'm having them do the the front garden and the back yard, trim all the shrubs, weed the flagstone patio, clean out the pond, doe a planting bed around the pond, and much everywhere. It sounds like a lot, but in the grand scheme of things, it isn't a very big job. They were supposed to come the week of May 12, but pushed it back to the following week because the perennials for the pond weren't in. Then they pushed it back again, because the weather was bad last week -- they thought they might make it Saturday, but didn't. They were supposed to come today, since I was off from work. No word. Call the company this morning, and the head guy says, "We'll do our best to get out there before the holiday." I said that's not good enough. Leave a message for the woman I had been dealing with all along telling her the same thing. Finally heard back from her this afternoon. Turns out, she's been scheduling me, but her boss keeps pushing the work back in favor of old, long-standing customers to get them done before the holiday. I told her, so it sounds like he doesn't want any new business. I told her I was stuck now, since I've signed a contract with them, and it's too late to get on anyone else's schedule, but if this work isn't done this weekend, then I'll find someone else to build the retaining wall, lay the second patio, plant the trees, and do the other landscaping I have planned for the back yard. I told her I had been very flexible, that I had done everything I was supposed to do to get this work done, but I felt I was being taken advantage of. She said she would try to get someone out here Saturday, since it didn't look good for Friday. I ain't holding my breath. If they don't make it this Saturday, the next time I can be here is the following Saturday...and that's another week's worth of weed growth, another week of watering the perennials they're supposed to plant, and another week of not being able to use my patio. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
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Stormie
Member
03-01-2007
| Friday, May 28, 2010 - 12:39 pm
I'm sorry you're dealing with all that stress. Is it to late to fire them and go with another place? What about calling the Better Business Bureau? I wanted to speak on learning disabilities, grant you, your daughter might just hate math, but if there is even the slightest possibility that she has one, then testing and finding out would be productive in the quest to help her strengthen her skills. I have a LD, but was not diagnosed in school, as a matter of fact, my math teacher humiliated me in front of the whole class, bc I could not calculate a problem the way she wanted me to, she made me stand up and I felt really belittled to the point of tears, I was 13. Unbeknownst to me I had a learning disability. I'm not saying her teacher has done something that severe, but if there is a possibility she has a LD, helping her find another way to learn will be beneficial for her now and in the future.
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Friday, May 28, 2010 - 5:43 pm
Mame, I especially like the way you worded the part about how I can explain to DS that he is old enough to graduate and to understand how his words hurt me and that they send a message of total disrespect. You guys probably need to know that several years ago when I first took DS to a counselor (while my husband was still drinking heavily), the counselor's opinion was that my son was developing oppositional/defiant disorder, which is a condition that a percentage of boys with ADD have. My son has never been evaluated or diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Whoami, one of my greatest fears is that my DD's mental block in math is hereditary, that she inherited it from me. I never stood up to my h.s. algebra teacher until after I was out of school and went back to substitute at that school. I told him that I thought he had been a lousy math teacher. Juju, thanks. I don't always feel like the bigdog around here. Both my kids are disrespectful all too frequently, and I think it's because I am too dependent upon their help. I can't lift or carry heavy things (repeat hernia surgeries), and I ask them to carry in the groceries and things like that.
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Friday, May 28, 2010 - 5:51 pm
GaL, it is important for me to remember that I AM proud of my son's academic achievements--apart and separate from his behavior; they have nothing to do with each other, and it's his academic success that will be celebrated. This is the kid who came in second place in the county spelling bee a year ago--without studying at home at all. He didn't want any help with it! The wife of the organization's president has already volunteered to take the minutes in my absence; she and I spoke on the phone this morning, and she and her husband are very adamant that I go to the graduation. Can't ban Juju 'cause she outranks me (even though I know I posted under a different name during season 1 of BB, LOL). Pamy, I will probably take pictures--that way I won't have to be IN them. I hate pictures of myself!
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Friday, May 28, 2010 - 6:01 pm
Rissa, I've never thought it necessary to have DD evaluated for learning disabilities since on her standardized test scores she always scores above average in all areas. It's her ATTITUDE that is her downfall. Last year she disliked the math teacher and wouldn't turn in work for her. She passed the year, and that teacher didn't return. This year the school's director/founder was her math teacher and DD took a disliking to her and didn't turn in her math papers, even KNOWING that she wasn't hurting anyone but herself. My daughter probably is more of a kinesthetic learner than an auditory learner. She does okay visually, I guess. The private elementary she's attended all her life has never done any testing for SLD at all. Any request for such testing would have to be handled through the public school system, which both my kids are enrolled in for next school year, DS as incoming freshman and DD as a 7th-grader--unless she fails this school year due to her math and language grades.
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Friday, May 28, 2010 - 6:14 pm
Texannie, I suspect that all four members of my family have ADD in some form or another--and OCD, too. My husband has never wanted to pursue diagnosing any such conditions in the children, much less in himself, LOL. Escapee, I'm happy that your DD's made such strides. Stormie, I agree that Prisonerno6 might want to place a call to the BBB. I hate when a company treats people so badly. Your post makes me wonder if I should contact the school this summer and see if DD should be evaluated for her difficulties in math. I have been operating on the belief that once she gets to the public school that she'll do better because the math will be easier. Her sixth grade class is doing 8th or 9th grade math, and my daughter is a year younger than her classmates, to begin with.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Friday, May 28, 2010 - 6:35 pm
Sia, you must have burst your buttons with pride about that spelling bee. He's obviously a VERY bright kid. The President of your organization and his wife, sound like very kind and thoughtful people. You are blessed to have friends like that. Like Pamy, and others here, I can't wait to hear how it goes. When is it again? So glad I was able to help you a bit. I think everyone here wants the best outcome for you and your family in this situation. (And I've seen your pix, you are cute as a button. I really hope you pop into at least one pic so your son will have a complete family keepsake of his big day.)
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Saturday, May 29, 2010 - 4:22 am
Sia, I have ADD but just had always had to learn differently than most people. The main thing to remember is that it does not mean that she is not smart and can't learn....you just have to encourage her to find what works for her and keep encouraging her. For example, I have to learn math like I am reading it. I have to almost make an equation a story and understand the plot along the way. A lot of math teachers had a difficult time teaching me math because they were naturally good at solving math problems the traditional way. My dad spent a lot of time with me trying to help out....and at some point I figured out a way to get it. I don't think it was my dad's teaching that helped me "get it"...he's one of those people who reads math books for fun and it all makes sense to him! But I think it was his constantly reminding me that I was smart and not bad at math and encouraging me to work through it all. Now I do a lot of math in my job. I know I can make major careless errors and not catch them by looking at them because of the ADD, so either get others to check for accuracy or find other ways for me to check against careless errors. It's all about knowing who you are and learning how to compensate. And I agree it is not the teacher's or principal's fault when your daughter doesn't turn in assignments. She has to pay the consequence. Normal consequences that fit the "crime" are kind. Yes, the learning problem could be a pivotal reason for her behavior, but you can't let her use that as an excuse or she will never grow. Think of it all from the teacher and principal's point of view... look at the number of students and learning styles they have to contend with. What a frustrating concept. They do the best they can....but it is an almost impossible job. As is parenting! Gain them as advocates and not enemies, but also keep in mind that the mental weariness that I am sure you have as a parent dealing with this problem for one child, they have in way greater multitudes, year after year! You obviously care very much about your daughter and I can tell you are just at that point of frustration that we all get to on occasion. You're your daughter's primary educator and her best advocate. Parenting is a hard job. I am a believer that there are people around to lighten the load, however. You just have to keep your eyes open for them. The new school sounds like a good place to start!
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Saturday, May 29, 2010 - 5:35 am
Sia, OMG....you make your kids carry the groceries???!!!! what a horrible mother! My daughter cleans the kitchen every night, cleans the bathrooms and dusts the whole house every week. My son has to sweep, vacuum and mop twice a week. That does not give them license to be disrespectful to me! Do not let them guilt you into feeling that is allowed. you have nothing to lose by having your daughter tested and everything to gain. i have told my kids (and it gets worse in high school and college) they will always have teachers they don't like or whose teaching style isn't compatible. I'm sorry; it does suck, but too bad. Their job is to do the work and turn in their assignments. There will always be people in our lives that we may get along with but that is no excuse to not do our best.
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Southern_grits
Member
10-08-2009
| Saturday, May 29, 2010 - 6:00 am
I told my six year old grandson, on the way home from the store, that I expected him to help me carry in groceries. This is the first time I've expected this from him. I almost got a full-on fit. "Oh man! I hate chores!". I lost control enough to tell him I was going to quit doing chores too so I wouldn't be doing any more shopping, or cooking, or cleaning, or taking care of anybody. He then happily helped me carry in groceries, and when we were done he said "I'll help you Geegee 'cause nobody else is going to get off their lazy butts and help". Ugg, the kid has good ears. But maybe I ought to train him better now, his daddy and papa have been spoiled by my past attitude of "I'll do it myself". Sia, a lot of your son's attitude toward you may be a reflection of your hubby's attitude. I don't really know what the solution would be though. But he may think because hubby is abusive toward you, that's all you deserve, that you are substandard compared to them. (Maybe a good whomp upside the head with a cast iron skillet? j/k) My oldest son had a learning disability in reading, he's one of the smartest people I know. And my grsandson has severe ADHD. Proper diagnosis and medication has made him a sweet, loving, well-behaved child who does well in school instead of a 6 year old juvenile delinquent.
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Goddessatlaw
Member
07-19-2002
| Saturday, May 29, 2010 - 6:29 am
Have a WONDERFUL graduation day, Sia!!!!!
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