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Archive through June 23, 2009

Reality TVClubHouse Discussions: General Discussions ARCHIVES: May 2010 ~ August 2010: Daily Humor: Archive through June 23, 2009 users admin

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Sharinia
Member

09-07-2002

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 - 9:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sharinia a private message Print Post    
(hee hee)

sundance


Kc103
Member

07-13-2004

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 - 2:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kc103 a private message Print Post    
A friend forwarded this to me today and after a horrible day at work I found it pretty amazing!

MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards!!!!!!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally......you finish off as an orgasm.

I REST MY CASE!!!!!


Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 10:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Gidget a private message Print Post    
MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a beach.....


Supergranny
Member

02-03-2005

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 - 8:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Supergranny a private message Print Post    
For those who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois:

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure that I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilI with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - (blank)

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Tuesday, November 25, 2008 - 7:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental." was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich." laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll lo ok the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

Watching2
Member

07-07-2001

Sunday, November 30, 2008 - 7:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Watching2 a private message Print Post    
LOL!! I never saw this thread before and I've been having a great time reading it. :-)

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Tuesday, December 09, 2008 - 6:54 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Tuesday, December 09, 2008 - 8:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
LOL!

Twinkie
Member

09-24-2002

Friday, January 09, 2009 - 2:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twinkie a private message Print Post    
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his

head ...

In a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I

will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of

the Pacific and the concrete and steel

it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard

for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a

little more time, and think of something that could possibly help

mankind.'

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could

understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives

me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and

how.l can make my woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'


Urgrace
Member

08-19-2000

Friday, January 09, 2009 - 5:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Urgrace a private message Print Post    
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ' he said with a deep sigh, ........................
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Goddessatlaw
Member

07-19-2002

Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 6:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Goddessatlaw a private message Print Post    
How to start a fight with your spouse:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------</ span>

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible! I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of wine for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the wine would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not
as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, 'Holy
crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car
as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation..
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started!

is that your final answer??? these are dangerously cute, aren't they darling?

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Thursday, January 22, 2009 - 12:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow ! a human ; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in the family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
 
 
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." 
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty!"

 
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Tuesday, March 03, 2009 - 2:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Maris a private message Print Post    
This just cracked me up. The sleepwalking dog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2BgjH_CtIA

Couchtomato
Member

09-09-2008

Friday, March 20, 2009 - 7:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Couchtomato a private message Print Post    
Funny Call Center Conversations

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ..'

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desk top.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well. I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden, the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor. I told you. It won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then. Look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes in to it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes. I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged in to the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged in to the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay. Here it is.'
Operator : 'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely in to the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well. Can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Well. It's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes. The office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well. Turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay. We've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes. I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you
got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then. I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'

Rissa
Member

03-20-2006

Monday, March 30, 2009 - 3:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
Wasn't sure if I should post this in Cdn news or here. Not really news so this thread wins. LOL

Canada: Land of Hippos and spontaneous fire

Us Canadians are an oft misinterpreted bunch. Plenty of people think we cuddle up to polar bears in igloos at night and in 2008, Australia even listed Canada as dangerous to visit
The land down under's travel advisory website suggested Aussies "exercise caution" when travelling to the great, white, avalanche-infested abyss known as Canada
The Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade lists snow, terrorism, ice and forest fires that can burst forth "at any time" as some of our many grave dangers.
Chile, Latvia and South Korea are all listed as being safer to visit than Canada.
This reminds me of an email a co-worker forwarded to our editorial team recently. These queries were made in light of the upcoming Vancouver 2010 Winter Games, and while the answers are sarcastic, the questions are very much real!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink. <br />

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Ophiliasgrandma
Member

09-04-2001

Monday, March 30, 2009 - 1:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ophiliasgrandma a private message Print Post    
That is so funny. It reminds me of being on a cruise ship in Alaska...on the water, mind you, when someone asked what was the elevation.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 06, 2009 - 3:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK2OakMoW_c

Babyruth
Member

07-19-2001

Friday, April 17, 2009 - 6:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Babyruth a private message Print Post    
2 Prawns

Up there in the tropical waters of North Queensland, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........






scroll down...















'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian'

Babyruth
Member

07-19-2001

Thursday, June 11, 2009 - 6:39 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Babyruth a private message Print Post    
Baby Boomers will enjoy this cartoon version of Born to be Wild: (turn your sound up)

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, June 11, 2009 - 7:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
LOL BR!

Babyruth
Member

07-19-2001

Saturday, June 20, 2009 - 4:08 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Babyruth a private message Print Post    
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally,the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?'

Babyruth
Member

07-19-2001

Saturday, June 20, 2009 - 4:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Babyruth a private message Print Post    
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing...

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on his head."

Naja
Member

06-28-2003

Saturday, June 20, 2009 - 10:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Naja a private message Print Post    
I made this image about 5 years ago for part of my signature for another forum...And I just ran across it today and realized it's actually funnier now after the invention of that thing called TWITTER...LOL



Rissa
Member

03-20-2006

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 - 11:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
Not really funny but didn't know where else to put it. I can read it without any hesitation, just a fast as if it was spellt correctly. So can my 17yr old dd. Curious if we will find one of the 45% here.

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but
interesting!

fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe
out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 - 11:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
That is how speed reading works. You don't focus on every letter or every word. I only bogged down on a few words.