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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 2:33 pm
Since we are talking about kids here I cannot stress enough how important the behavior of children is in someone elses home. My point is table manners. I was raised that you behaved extra good in public and especially in someone else's home. I was also raised to know that sitting down to dinner, whether it was just family or in a restaurant, table manners were expected no matter what. We are passing this along to our own children. Consistency is key, consistency is tough, but in the long run it's worth it. My cousins, who are 16 and 19, (I am sure you've heard the horror stories) are the poster children for why you should teach manners. We had easter lunch at my house yesterday. The eldest boy (19) eats like he is a wild boar devouring his prey. Slopping food all over the place, licking his fingers, walking around with his plate, talking with his mouth full so food flies out. It was buffet style and he kept licking his fingers and picking up food instead of using serving utensils. For the life of me, if my kid did that they'd get a wrap across the knuckles with a spoon. My aunt and uncle eat out in restaurants with their kids most of the time so they have to notice this, right? Was it too difficult to be consistent on table manners when their children were young? I was taught, sit up straight, elbows off of the table, no 'mouth' noises when eating, chew with your mouth closed, don't talk with your mouth full, don't take huge bites, and chew thoroughly. I almost want to say something to her about it, but her kid is 19 (she chalks everything up to his having aspergers and a variety of other disorders) The younger boy is not as bad. Their personal hygiene is another issue. These boys smell like they've run marathons with no deodorant in the sahara desert. It's offensive. THEN, to top that off, they are huggy kissy kids. He wants to hug me and kiss me when he leaves. YICK! I tell my kids that they do not have to hug or kiss anyone they do not want to and they don't have to recieve hugs or kisses if they do not want to (from people they aren't close with or anyone that makes them uncomfortable). Ugh, to say or not to say. Oh wait, it gets better. We had Thanksgiving at my cousins house last year. The older boy slopped his food, elbows across the table, slurped, gulped talked with his mouth full of food, spit, sighed, it was friggin disgusting. THEN to top it off, went into the living room, left his plate on the table, and kicked off his shoes and socks, placed his nastastic feet on the coffee table and flipped on the TV. Then after a while tromped into the kitche, got into the refrigerator and started rummaging. Would you do that as a guest in someone's home? Someone's home you don't frequent and are not that close to????? SIGH. It's gross.
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Maplsyrp
Member
02-10-2009
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 2:48 pm
We have stopped having as many potlucks at work because we have a guy almost that bad. We have become so grossed out by his behavior that we very rarely even tell him when we just bring a dessert to share with the office. He will stand over the food and pick up food with his hands and shovel into his mouth as he fixes his plate.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 3:01 pm
One of my guests that attended, that was not family, was so grossed out that he couldn't eat. I was so embarrassed. He said "dont' worry, every family has a few of them." It's to the point where I don't think I will be able to invite them anymore without saying something about it ahead of time. Any suggestions on how to approach it? Be mum about it and keep inviting them?
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Rissa
Member
03-19-2006
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 3:02 pm
Nastastic is my new favourite word. The scary part is that they ARE probably better behaved at your home than their own. {shudder}
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 3:11 pm
No at their own home they are in their rooms playing video games. These kids were raised to believe that the whole world revolved around them and what they wanted. However, in someone else's home the parent's flat out ignore what they are doing. It has been this way since they were tiny. They would be rummaging through drawers, closets, etc. and the parents would be oblivious! I would die if my kids did that. Oh and if you say anything about it, the parents justify it with "they aren't hurting anything." or "why can't they explore?" Last time they were in my home (my mom was there I was not and they came to town and to visit unannounced) the older one kept disappearing into my bedroom to be where it was 'quiet'. My mom siad to his mom, um this isn't my house, he can't just be wandering around getting into things or going into other rooms. his mom had to tell him (he was 18 at the time) to please come out. Now, that creeps me out. Our bedroom is private and outsiders aren't welcome. No, we dont' have anything weird or kinky in there, it's just a private place that those who are not immediate family (my kids, my husband) don't need to be.... SERIOUSLY. Oh this is the mother who wn't touch pork because of her religion but went on and on about the shrimp and crab she'd eaten over the weekend.
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Pippin04
Member
10-26-2007
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 5:10 pm
Ok so family is family, I have no issue correcting anyone in my family. My daughter was raised with manners and knows how to act in a social situation. When I am out with other children if they do something unacceptable and the parents do not say something, the second time they do something I will correct them. If done politely and with respect. The children have always responded positively. The last time we went out with the kids, we went to a fancy place. I sat with them, spoke to them, directed them on how to address the waiter, how to order and eat certain things correctly. We had a great time and the children (14 and 16) loved it. Escapee, bedrooms are private places and your sanctuary not a place for a guest to hide out. I would have booted him out of the bedroom at once.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 6:02 pm
IMO, you let it be, they are family. other than the food issues do you love them? You say the boy has Aspergers, so he probably doesnt even realize it's wrong. Do you know how I long to have family to have brunch with?
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 8:47 pm
(((Pamydoll)))
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 9:21 pm
Escapee....Never be embarrassed for others....its not your fault and I most def would not judge you for somthing someone else did......just relax.... everyone is differant...and Im kinda like Pamy.....Id love to have a family that would come around....I never see any of my family...good or bad...there is no contact...no calls... no nothing...even when I reach out...I get nothing....its hurtfull....so if they actually came to visit ...even the worst of manners would be 'sweet' to me....
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 10:03 pm
No, they 'say' he has aspergers. Whether he does or does not, it doesn't matter to me. Aspergers does not do away with manners at all. IMO it's been used as an excuse for his behavior. As for love....I dread inviting them to any function. When it's just my aunt it's great. Throw her kids and her antisocial too good for the world husband in the mix it's downright miserable.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 10:04 pm
Pippin, we do the same with our girls, take them to places and show them and teach them how to behave and they are 4 and 6.
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Monday, April 05, 2010 - 10:20 pm
You folks are reminding me of a co-worker/friend of my Mom's many years ago. Any time we heard she and her brood were coming over, the first thing we did was drop anything we were doing and scurry around the house picking up anything we didn't want destroyed, and hiding said items behind locked doors or in cupboards too high up to reach. Her kids would come in and just start grabbing anything they could get their hands on, throwing things on the floor, and slobbering and getting sticky goo (from whatever candy they'd been sucking on in their car on the way over) all over everything in the house. Blech. And it was always our responsibility to kid-proof our house from them, cause they were just little kids and didn't know any better. Or at least that's what was expected of us. Now you are all making me wonder. I know at some point "kids will be kids" and you do need to kid-proof. But at what point is it the parent's responsibility to make sure the kids aren't into everything when you go to someone else's house?
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 7:30 am
I believe I'm in the same boat as Chewi and Pamy... I have family, (cousins and inlaws) but for all intents and purposes there may as well not be. And that is painful beyond measure. On the other hand, for me, it means that my friends have become the substitute family of my heart. In reality though our friends have their own families and celebrations, so DH and I muddle along as best we can. I suppose if we had children, I'd look inward and not outward, and we'd be our own unit, although that's probably naively optimistic. But as a couple, sometimes I just feel we are set adrift to sink or swim on our own. Before DH's parents retired to Mexico for the winter, we'd all gather at their place, but since then, each of his sibs does their own thing with their own families. As for my relatives, there have been two deaths in my family over the past few years (an aunt by marriage, and my fave cousin's wife) and I found out about both of their passings long after the fact. Normally my attitude about our extended families and their insularity, is screw them, it's their loss, but admittedly, there are times when it's just not so easy to just brush it off.
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Rissa
Member
03-19-2006
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 7:49 am
Aw heck. Just self-modded a big rambling mess. LOL Escapee, if you can afford it I suggest you put locks on all doors you don't want their rude brats to walk through. Let them come ask why the door to your bedroom is locked and then you can ask why on earth they would be trying to get into your bedroom in the first place. You shouldn't be left having to deal with feelings of anger and resentment everytime they visit. As for the eating. My bil (who I adore otherwise) eats like a rutting pig. My sister says it's because when they were growing up dinner was a free-for-all and if you didn't move fast you literally went without eating and you learned fast to grab and stuff. I can see that when he was young but now in his mid 40's it's no longer an excuse. Watching him eat if the best diet aid you could ask for, makes me ill. I have no suggestion because we have talked to bil directly and he just thinks it's all a big joke. If a person has no shame about their behavior, not much chance you will be able to change it.
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 9:17 am
I quit attending church when my two little ones were too hard for me to keep under control. When my now-11-yo DD could crawl off the pew and under people's feet, it was exhausting for me to keep retrieving her, so I just gave up. We stilll stay home on Sundays. When the kids were little, I couldn't go anywhere with both of them unless I had another adult with me. I was worried that if I had my infant daughter in a shopping cart I couldn't keep hold of my then-toddler son's hand. Luckily, my mother would go department-store shopping with me. The tables have turned all these years later: I ride the electric cart at Wal-mart, while my children push the shopping cart and reach the things off the high shelves. Wow, time changes everything. We've had our share of bratty kid visitors, so we really do anything we can to prevent people from coming over at all. We're not frequent visitors anywhere, actually.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 9:26 am
To be honest, the loving answer is always the right answer. When teens come to my house who have not been taught to respect others or their property, I teach them. No anger, no judgment, no disgust. None of those things are helpful, kind or loving. While I can understand the dismay, I prefer to work with and make it better with loving kindness rather than be mean about it. If someone licked their fingers and then served themselves again, I would take them aside quietly and say "hey, if you don't mind, we'd prefer that you use a serving spoon here. That's just the way we do things in order to be polite and thoughtful." And I'd say it with a whole lot of love and a kind smile so that kid would know how much I cared, and never ever for a moment think that I thought less of them. Or with the ones I've known a long time (and many of them call me "mom"), I'd joke with them "hey, hey, hey, you big goof, this thing here, it's called a serving spoon. You use it for serving. Get it?" And we'd all be laughing. If they went into my room, I would follow them, and ask them again, with love and kindness, but also firmness to respect my house and my privacy, and say that they were not permitted to go there. There's no need to make a big fuss about anything. Simple, firm, kind communication solves an awful lot of problems. JMO
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 9:32 am
In all probability, I won't say anything because it will stress my grandma out (any confrontation within the family that has nothing to do with her or has to do with her makes her stress out) I on the other hand would prefer to take the mom aside and ask WTH is the matter with you? Didn't you ever teach your kids how to behave in public or respect other people's homes?" Even if I said something in loving kindness, they would take all the offense they could to cause a ruckus. This is why the kids are allowed to act the way they do.
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Sia
Member
03-10-2002
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 9:50 am
Karuuna, what you possess is patience. You have youth and good health on your side, too. Bless you for having the strength to try and help people who, to most people, would seem unteachable. You set a good example. And you're right that humor softens the blow; it's a good way of delivering a lesson that could potentially be taken as criticism.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 9:56 am
Sia, thank you. But just for the record, I am over 50 and suffer from fibromyalgia. It's not about age or health, it's all about attitude. I also know that my parents did not teach me good table manners or much of anything else. I was not a rude person, I simply didn't know better until a loving mother figure taught me when I was in my 20s. I am still in awe and deeply grateful for her kindness.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 9:59 am
I think it should be mandatory in school for kids to take etiquette classes.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 10:00 am
Escapee, unless you can drop the WTH attitude, you can't really speak with loving kindness - if I may be so bold. There's still judgment there. It's not for everyone. But really judging them harshly and being aggravated is a choice, just as any other choice. You can choose differently. And if you correct with real love, and you stay in that attitude throughout any ruckus that ensues, I have found personally that it really does work with almost everyone. The thing is that the ruckus usually sucks us back into being mad and wanting to be right, which is completely at odds with being loving. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 10:13 am
Oh I would never say it, but I really want to sometimes. I stay mum and gripe about it behind their backs to you guys. I just thank them all for coming and smile sweetly. They're those people who you can't say ANTYHING to. The whole pork and shellfish argument was one I wish I had never thrown my hat into. She was not happy I served ham on Easter.
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Grooch
Member
06-16-2006
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 10:17 am
I've always found that kids can act horrible when their parents are around, no matter where. But when they are alone in someone else's home, they have a lot more respect for you and will listen more. They want to be invited back and get a break from their "usual" life.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 10:53 am
Grooch, that is so true! When their mother isn't with them, they aren't as wiley. When they're not with their mom, she's a lot more fun too. LOL.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 11:05 am
Honestly, I would rather someone tell me to my face if I did something that repulsed them rather than talk behind my back about it. I will never learn what I did was repulsive that way. I'm an only child from only child parents so I never had a big family. I hear family get together horror stories and wonder why the Hell people have them. Why do people invite people to their house if they dont like them or cringe at their behaviour? Why is it a rule you have to invite family to a party? or gathering? Why do people go to all the trouble to have a party if they are going to not have fun? I'm like Mame, my friends have always been my big extended family. I have always been blessed with friends. I am still friends with my jr high friends. I have a party, I invite people I like, and we all have fun. It's pretty simple.
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