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Archive through April 13, 2010

Reality TVClubHouse Discussions: General Discussions ARCHIVES: January 2010 ~ April 2010: Free Expressions: The return of The Return of the Gripe Thread: Archive through April 13, 2010 users admin

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Maplsyrp
Member

02-10-2009

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 11:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Maplsyrp a private message Print Post    
I agree with Escapee about people going in your room when you are not there. I find it very unsettling and had it happen when I was actually in the room. Years ago one of my sons had a friend that I knew very well and liked come over to play video games. Unknown to me at the time was that he was babysitting his 8 year old brother. I was in my room in the dark laying down with a headache and suddenly my door opens very slowly and this boy who I had never seen creeps in my room and opens my dresser and starts rummaging around. I was like excuse me and he jumped and scurried out of the room. I caught him 2 other times rummaging in other rooms and caught him stuffing something down his pants as he was coming out of my older sons room. I told his older brother that his little brother was not allowed inside my home anymore. His parents actually thought I overreacted and were upset with me.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 11:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
I invite them for my grandmother. She basically raised me and has given me so much in my life and she doesn't want to leave anyone out, so I do it for her and for her only.

We didn't invite my aunt and her family over for 4th of July one year and all hell broke loose and she called and yelled at my Grandma. So I bite the bullet and invite them, paste on a smile and play good hostess.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 11:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Well, you have to pick your battles, of course. Personally, I know how you can be ostracized by some when you have poor manners; so in my case I truly truly appreciated someone taking me aside in a kind and loving way and teaching me differently. It made for a world of difference in my life. I consider it a great gift, and I'm glad someone cared enough about me to help me.

We're all different, that's for sure. And I know that sometimes other people's ways are hard for us to fathom.

Two years ago I went on a road trip with my DS, his best friend (at the time), BF's mom, younger brother and a friend of the younger brother.

I was just apalled at how those brothers treated each other and their mom. For the first day or so I said little. But the second day we were driving and little brother threw something at mom from the back of the SUV. When she told him to stop, he just laughed at her and continued.

Since it was a safety hazard, I simply pulled over, stopped the car, and said nothing. When they finally asked why I wasn't driving, I said I wouldn't drive while there was such dangerous and rude behavior going on, so they could just let me know when they were done. And if they did it again, we'd just go back to the hotel, because i wasn't really willing to risk anyone's life because one person's behavior was so out of line.

I had to make several such statements over the next few days, and it almost broke my friendship with that mom (and we were good friends). But the kids eventually got the message that regardless of mom there or not, their rudeness wouldn't be tolerated by me.

I still remember it as the worst vacation I ever went on!

Grooch
Member

06-16-2006

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 11:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Grooch a private message Print Post    
Karunna, lol!

I remember a long time ago when I was living with my older sister and cousin (w/ her 3 year old daughter.)

The kid did not want to eat her breakfast but was having a tantrum because she wanted to have ice cream.

Don't mess with my sister. She said to the kid, "You want ice cream? Here it is!!!!"

She than flung it ouside the sliding glass doors and locked it.

Then proceeded to tell my niece that it's 80 degress outside and she better hurry up and eat her breakfast before it all melts.

The kid ate everything up in like 2 minutes to get to the ice cream.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 11:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
The thing that gets me is that my grandma taught us manners and my aunt was raised by the same woman. She is just one of those women who is all into child psychology and the importance of each child being able to express themselves. She believes she is the child-rearing expert, and her kids are HEATHENS and always have been.

Karuuna, my sister's friends treat their mom like crap. I am now her mother figure as I have custody, even though we are only 12 years apart. She came home the other day from a friends and said OMG you should see how she talks to her mom. If I ever talked to you that way I'm sure you'd slap the cracker jacks out of me."
Now, never have I slapped my sister nor threatened to. However, I command respect and setting a good example. I have heard the cousins call their parents names and the parents ignore it. I want to say "hey, you are the authority figure, the parent, if they don't respect you, they won't respect anyone." Once when my grandma said something their response: They are just frustrated and then they got mad at Grandma. Aunt is VERY overbearing, very strong personality, and very confrontational in a non violent way.

Ok, I get that, but this is a learning experience. Learn to deal with frustration, stress, etc. in a different way.

I was a teen once. I remember telling my mother I hated her. You know what she did? Said "well, I love you." and then she cried. I never said it again.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 11:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Well, she's not correctly "all into child psychology" if she thinks not teaching kids to have empathy for others is the way to go.

You are correct, that each child must be taught to deal with frustration in healthy ways. Allowing kids to have their feelings does not mean they get to vent all over someone else.

The one time my son said he hated me, he was quite young. I said to him, I understand you are very angry at me right now (labeling the behavior in a more appropriate way for him); and that's okay. But it really hurts me when you say you hate me. Anger is one thing, hate is another.

Later he came to me and said he was sorry, and never said it again. However, he still feels like he can freely express his disappointment in some of my decisions even while he is respecting them. I think that's the right balance.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 12:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
LOL, Grooch, that is a funny story, and i can't believe the kid went after the ice cream!

I still remember going to a horse training clinic, from a real cowboy looking type of guy, telling a story about his wife doing something similar. Early in their marriage, he was home late for dinner and didn't call. He gets home and says "sorry I'm late, where's dinner?" She doesn't say a single word, doesn't nag or yell, Just hands him the trash can and points her head at it to indicate that's where his dinner is.

He laughs and says he was never late without calling again.

Goddessatlaw
Member

07-19-2002

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 12:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Goddessatlaw a private message Print Post    
Heh. Funny stories, Karuuna and Grooch. I started to post in here earlier then thought better of it. If someone in our family pulled the kind of crap Escapee is describing the rest of the family would dog pile him/her and it would never happen again. But our family kind of operates as a unit where we all take charge of raising each other. We do have one problem case (much more serious than manners) that probably could have benefited from more intervention from his cousins, but his parents have resisted any efforts to reason with the kid - either by kindness or by force. They think anything we do is going to drive him further away, and so we respect their decision on the matter even though we don't agree. I think the kid is absolutely begging for direction and discipline.

Family issues are tough. Even though the kid is a problem, we would never have a family gathering to which he wasn't invited (even though on many occasions we just wish he wouldn't come). So I understand the quandry you're in, Escapee. It helps to concentrate on the person for whom you are tolerating the problem - your grandmother. Whenever I think I can't handle that kind of issue, I remind myself that I'm not doing it for myself, I'm doing it to make (whomever) happy and comfortable.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 1:58 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
You are so right, she's not correctly into it at all. I am ok with people not spanking their kids. It's not for everyone or every kid. I am not all gung ho spanker (In fact, while I have swatted in the past, I can't remember the last time) it's a last resort punishment for us. However, some sort of discipline is necessary, either naughty corner, removal of privelege, toy of some sort, something that tells a kid that certain behavior is not ok in a way that is age appropriate. Also, I cannot stress enough how important consistency is, even though it is just as tough on a parent to be consistent.

These kids have never had any sort of discipline in their lives. EVER. When the younger one choked a kid at school and was expelled for it, instead of him getting in trouble at home for it, the mother asked the teacher if she saw her son choke the other kid. THe teacher said no, but the boy had red hand prints on his neck and was crying and her son had admitted it to the teacher and there had been witnesses. To which the son called the teacher a liar and my aunt said "well, if an adult didn't see it happen, then as far as I'm concerned it did not happen."

It has been like this their whole lives. When the older one was younger he physically hurt my grandmothers cat, and when my grandma hollered about it "OMG Please don't do that to the cat!" The boy cried and his mom got mad at grandma instead.

I could go on and on and on about stories about these two. It's ridiculous and sad, very sad. These boys have no social lives, very few friends, and spend all their time with their mother.

So you can imagine how hard it is for me. I want to have functions at my home so my grandma is not overwhelmed with them at hers. However, I want to honor her wishes to have the whole family together, knowing how stressful it is. Someday, my aunt may get a loving earful when stress on Grandma is no longer an issue.

Dfennessey
Member

07-25-2004

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 2:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dfennessey a private message Print Post    
Escapee I do not have any kids my a friend of mine has 2 sons (one is 28 and one is 17) Well the 28 year old gets blamed for everything the 17 year old does. The 17 year old has no bounderies can do what he wants, when he wants. He has ruined his mothers furniture and destroyed her house. he is allowed to have his friends in the house whenever he wants (even if she is not home) She told me on Sunday that she has to text her 17 year old son to ASK if the kids can leave for a little bit so she can come down stairs to shower and get a cup of coffee.

One time when he was around 4 or 5 I had him and we ran through Burger King for lunch and he got out of his car seat as we were waiting at the window for the food and he says "come on you stupid f***ing b****" the firs time I ignored him and he said it again and I slapped him across the face and he said "I am going to tell my mother" and I said "Go ahead, but make sure you tell her why" and then I said "never mind I will tell her that i slapped you and I will tell her why" and i did and she was pissed that he talked like that

Rissa
Member

03-19-2006

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 3:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
Karuuna, you are much more tolerant than I am.

I think anyone who has an average IQ who has been exposed to a few hours of TV or radio and reached the age of 18 knows damm well you don't snoop through another persons property. To me that's got nothing to do with manners, it's a complete arrogance and sense of entitlement. Their mother has set them up for a harder road as adults and owes them a huge apology.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 3:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Sounds like a sociopath to me.
My aunt has catered to the older one so much, he gets what he wants over the younger one. We call them the heir and the spare. As a result the younger one is a very angry child. He is very into guns, weapons, etc. He spent most of easter out back practicing sword fighting with a piece of PVC pipe. On Thanksgiving he found a nerf gun and practiced shooting things the whole time.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 3:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Karuuna, you are much more tolerant than I am.


That's because as the saying goes, there but for the grace of God go I. It's very humbling, and honestly sometimes I find it painful to see the harshness dished out toward others, esp children, because they fail to live up to expectations.

Because I used to be one of those children.

Rissa
Member

03-19-2006

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 3:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
If it makes you feel better, my harshness is mostly aimed at the parent(s). The children are the ones who will spend their lives dealing with the way they were raised. It could cost them family relationships, friends, jobs, etc. But there does come a point where a child becomes an adult and is responsible for working towards their own potential. An 19 yr old who is still rummaging through another person's bedroom has definately hit that point. It's the difference between explaining and excusing. Understanding the explanation does not obligate excusing.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 3:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
At what age is it no longer the parents fault though? I mean, at 19, I was aware of the world around me and how other people behaved, how I was treated and how I wanted to be treated.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 4:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I can certainly say that at 19 I was mostly unaware of many of my faults. Not that I didn't care, I just didn't know. And I was a straight A student, quite smart, but really socially backward; and very insecure, and suspicious.

I don't know many 19 year olds that are highly self aware. Some of them are certainly polite, but there's a difference between being polite out of habit and being polite out of caring and thoughtfulness.

Yes, at some point, everyone needs to make choices about who they will be for themselves. But I've counseled too many people at many many different ages to be able to give that a definitive age. Sometimes it depends on what you lived thru as a kid, it can depend on personality, it can depend on crisis that you've suffered through.

And of all the adults I know, many of them would disagree about proper manners as well. I know quite a few moms who still snoop in their adult children's bedrooms and bathrooms given the opportunity, and since they do it when the kids aren't around, I'm pretty sure they know it's wrong. :-)

It most certainly lies on the parents' shoulders, but I see the word bratty bandied about pretty frequently, and I guess I would say "untaught" or "undisciplined". At the same time, we don't know what issues the parents themselves might have. My parents grew up in WWII, I mean, right IN WWII, and they saw things none of us have ever seen. I"m sure that warped their abilities to cope and to be good parents, and even to be psychologically healthy human beings. I'm not sure having suffered such atrocities as children they EVER had the ability to *choose* to be healthy whole human beings.

So I guess it's difficult for me to even judge adults harshly for poor behavior. It doesn't mean I don't try to help or teach them, or hold them accountable. I just choose to withhold judgment in most cases.

Southern_grits
Member

10-08-2009

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 - 10:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Southern_grits a private message Print Post    
I love it when I come here and get the chance to broaden my viewpoint, ie when someone gives me a whole new way to see something. Sometimes I think I must still be a neanderthal.

Thanks, Karuuna. You really are a gem.

Southern_grits
Member

10-08-2009

Friday, April 09, 2010 - 9:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Southern_grits a private message Print Post    
A follow up to the user neighbors gripe. Two days ago they got their own internet service and cable.

I didn't even have to chew anyone out.

Oldtex
Member

03-06-2006

Friday, April 09, 2010 - 11:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Oldtex a private message Print Post    
When someone begins a statement "I don't mean to offend anyone, BUT...". Well, you have just offended, intentional or not.

There, got that off my chest and feel better.

The offending person will never even know, but hey, I know. I know this makes no sense to anyone here, nor should it.

Christy358
Member

07-10-2007

Friday, April 09, 2010 - 11:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Christy358 a private message Print Post    
Oldtex. LOL

Sometimes it is not the statement that annoys, but the idiotic disclaimer.

Oldtex
Member

03-06-2006

Saturday, April 10, 2010 - 10:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Oldtex a private message Print Post    
Christy - you are so right.

Sorry 'bout all that, just harmones and one idiot can really set me off. Of course, the recent quitting smoking (yah for me) could have perhaps a teeny-tiny bit to do with the way I reacted.

Christy358
Member

07-10-2007

Saturday, April 10, 2010 - 11:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Christy358 a private message Print Post    
Oldtex, anyone quitting smoking gets a free pass for any crankiness. Good for you.

Oldtex
Member

03-06-2006

Sunday, April 11, 2010 - 8:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Oldtex a private message Print Post    
Christy - thanks for the "free pass". I need to print up some free pass cards and pass them out. Actually, need a big bunch to pass to my husband.

Christy358
Member

07-10-2007

Sunday, April 11, 2010 - 10:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Christy358 a private message Print Post    
Oldtex, unless your husband is a smoker, he is very much in favor of your quitting. And maybe even if he is.

I tend to get very cranky when I PMS. I find that if I take a second when someone else is being totally stupid and annoying to stop and think if I am perhaps just "cranky", it seems to help.

I have to laugh at myself when I start cursing at all the dumb drivers on my way to work.

Naja
Member

06-28-2003

Tuesday, April 13, 2010 - 9:39 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Naja a private message Print Post    
I don't know why this bugged me, but it really did. The neighbor woman just called and asked to speak to my DH. Instead of just handing the phone to him, I asked her what she needed. She said she wants to ask "him" if she could have our broken big screen tv that's in the garage because she thinks she can have it fixed.

Now why on earth did she have to ask "him" about it and not me? For heaven's sakes it's mine in the first place. It was a gift from my mom in 1996. Anyway, his, mine or both of ours, it really bugged me that she was going to go to him without even bringing up the subject to me when I was the one who answered the phone. I would have totally understood her asking him-- if he had answered the phone instead.