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Archive through March 02, 2009

Reality TVClubHouse Discussions: General Discussions ARCHIVES: May 2009 ~ July 2009: The Entertainment Place: Hollywood gossip, news & milestones: Hollywood gossip, news & milestones (ARCHIVES): Archive through March 02, 2009 users admin

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Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 1:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Why would she stay with him?

Simple. There is a theory that people seek to avoid pain and increase pleasure and make decisions accordingly. At this point in her life, the pain of leaving the relationship and/or the pleasure of being in the relationship is greater for her than the potential pain that he may inflict upon her.

People want to believe in the people that they love and forgive them for their mistakes. Normally we think of that as a good thing but in these situations it can end very badly.

I think she is making a bad decision but you asked why she is doing it and there is the answer.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 1:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I think it's more complicated than that, but I'm sure it's part of the answer.

Many women in these situations do suffer from self esteem issues. Some of them don't want the pain of leaving.

But most often, if they can afford to leave financially, their motivation for staying is far more complicated than those issues. Most often they have suffered some kind of abuse in their childhood, or loss of love or abandonment. Whatever it was, as a child we internalize these things and blame ourselves. If only we had been better, those awful things would not have happened.

That becomes a core belief, at a deeply subconscious level. One that a person acts on reflexively, without considering why they are behaving thusly.

As a child, that core belief is salvific, in other words, it gives that child hope. If they can only change somehow, do the right thing, the horrible situation will end. To believe they can do nothing to change their situation (and most children cannot), means they have no hope at all. Life can never get better.

The problem is that in adulthood, you can make other choices; but that core belief is never examined and never given up. Since it has become reflexive (like driving a car), you simply act on it.

So she stays because she doesn't understand at a core level that the abuse is not her fault. At some level she does believe that she participated in his abuse, and that if she changes, he will change. Essentially she is re-enacting whatever abandonment/abuse issues she suffered as a child; and believing this time she can effect a better outcome. That's the most likely explanation.

That is why individual therapy is so necessary in these situations. To dig at those childhood issues, to help her change her core belief system at a conscious level, so she can consciously make other choices.

Beckie03
Member

07-05-2007

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 1:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckie03 a private message Print Post    
what it comes down to is that nobody really knows what happened that night except three people: rihanna, chris, and god. that's it. nobody else.

if she feels that it was a huge mistake on his part and is willing to work with him to get him help, then more power to her imho. with time and help, he very well possibly could never do it again. he could do it again...but nobody knows.

imho, she knows him better than we do...even with all the tabloid stories. this genuinely could have been a mistake...and it won't ever happen again. like i said only three people will ever know the full truth of what happened that night and if she believes that this is what she wants...then i say let her do it.

maybe she's right...or maybe everyone else is right...we don't know. only time will tell.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 1:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Rather than self-esteem or childhood issues, could it also be ego in the sense of "I've done a lot with my life, I'm very successful at getting my way and achieving my goals and I can fix this and make it work!"

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 1:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Most of us think with our heart ....many of us want to fix people....maybe she thinks she can fix him...
(look at everyone here trying to fix her, we dont even know her)..

(How much sympathy are you going to have when she turns up beaten again???? )

I will have sympathy for her,..because Ive been there and see it every day (at the shelter)....Its not as easy as every one seems to think.... unless you have been there, you just never will know. But I am truly hoping that they both will learn alot about thier selves from this and it does not happen again.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 2:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Jimmer, I would gently suggest that such attitude is probably also a childhood issue. Any time someone thinks they can "fix" another person (other than themselves) it usually means they haven't learned appropriate personal boundaries. JMO. :-)

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 2:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Well I guess we could say that our past (childhood or later) has got us to where we are and that much of what we do now and how we act now is based on it. In a way it is a bit of a disturbing thought as I am a big fan of the idea that we determine our own future by the current decisions that we make. The thought that our past drives us in that manner takes away some measure of choice. However, I am very aware of how my childhood experiences continue to influence me to this day.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 3:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I think it is a bit disturbing until you realize that so much of what you think you are freely "choosing" is so deeply influenced by your upbringing. Then you actually have more freedom to choose freely!

Think of it this way. Most of us are relatively resigned to speak the language we learned growing up. We could certainly chose to speak another language, but it requires some effort.

Many of us learn and re-learn and adapt as we grow. But for those who have some deeply emotional experiences as a child, you can become very 'stuck' in them, and need an experienced foreign language teacher to help you learn a new way. :-)

Crzndeb
Member

07-26-2004

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 3:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Crzndeb a private message Print Post    
I agree with Beckie...Abuse is wrong either way you look at it. I will make no judgments because I don't know either one of them, I wasn't there and I will not fall victim to tabloid sensationalism. Nobody knows if that picture was doctored or who threw the first punch. I will pray for both of them, along with the thousands of men and women that face abuse daily. But it is not my place to judge.

Kookliebird
Member

08-04-2005

Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 9:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kookliebird a private message Print Post    
Look how long Tina Turner stayed with Ike before she finally got the strength to leave. You just never know what makes a person stay or go.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Sunday, March 01, 2009 - 3:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Maris a private message Print Post    
Ike controlled all the money, monitored her every movement, she was married to him and he had two kids she felt responsible for. This girl is single, has resources and a career of her own. Plus don't forget she told the police at the time that this wasnt the first time he hit her. He had a history of abusing her.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Sunday, March 01, 2009 - 9:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
And Tina was abused a long time before there were things like shelters for battered women and when standing up for yourself was not so applauded.

Goddessatlaw
Member

07-19-2002

Sunday, March 01, 2009 - 9:29 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Goddessatlaw a private message Print Post    
Zero sympathy here. I've seen way too much of this, next time he'll knock some teeth out and break her nose. And of course having essentially backed down this time she won't find the water so warm next time when she needs help.

21 is not too young to realize that a man who beats you once will beat you twice. She needs to get her head out of her ass and move on.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Sunday, March 01, 2009 - 9:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
Ditto GAL!

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Sunday, March 01, 2009 - 9:45 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Maris a private message Print Post    
he apparently has already beaten her twice since she told the police he had hit her before. I guess you just have to be a good looking popular guy to get sympathy. This reminds me of OJ, popular, good looking guy beats wife, gets pass. I have less respect for Combs for giving them a house to work things out. How about counseling with a restraining order in place as a way to work things out.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Sunday, March 01, 2009 - 9:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
I'm no expert, but I don't think Chris B. being in a house with her is a great way for him to work things out. I think he needs a shrink and some community work at a domestic violence center or battered women's shelter.

I also don't think that is a great place for Rihanna to work things out either. She need a shrink as well. And a restraining order against him for at least 12 months.

THEN and only THEN should they even think about "working things out."

Holly
Member

07-22-2001

Sunday, March 01, 2009 - 12:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Holly a private message Print Post    
Right, just what the situation needs...Sean Puffy Combs offering his crib and probably counselling them too. What a joke.

It's just a matter of time...

Tishala
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 9:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tishala a private message Print Post    
Holy. Hell. (My grandmother used to say that and I haven't heard it in years). Mediatakeout reports:

CASE CLOSED … RIHANNA READY TO TESTIFY ON CHRIS' BEHALF … ADMIT TO HER PART IN THE INCIDENT!!
link

... [A]ccording to MediaTakeOut.com's MOST TRUSTED snitch - Rihanna has agreed to "speak to the [prosecutor's] on Chris' behalf." The snitch continued, “Rihanna doesn’t want this to go any further, she will be speaking to [prosecutors] and - if need be – admit to her part in the [incident].”

And it gets better. Another person close to the case told MediaTakeOut.com that Chris Brown and prosecutors are EXTREMELY close to a plea deal. According to that insider, Chris would plead “no contest” to misdemeanor domestic battery and receive NO JAIL TIME.

The insider explained to MediaTakeOut.com, “I expect the deal to be announced this week – before Chris’ court date” The tipster continued, “This deal is a present to the prosecutors … The case is over – if Chris [Brown] took it to trial – he’d be acquitted. [The prosecutor’s] are going to accept any deal they can get.”

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 9:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Maris a private message Print Post    
Didn't oj have a prior No contest as well. Pathetic.

She is going to say that she was asking for it. Unbelievable and disgusting.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 9:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
sickening and disheartening

Tishala
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 9:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tishala a private message Print Post    
I should say that Mediatakeout is a fun gossip site, but it doesn't have anything like an airtight record with its scoops.

Twiggyish
Member

08-14-2000

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 9:42 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twiggyish a private message Print Post    
Sad. It seems like Chris isn't learning anything from this incident. I just wonder what would have happened had he not been a famous person.

I'm worried about Rihanna and the next time they have a dispute. All couples argue sometimes. It's how they handle it that determines the relationship. If one of them can't handle anger, there's a big problem. IMO.

Scooterrific
Member

07-08-2005

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 9:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Scooterrific a private message Print Post    
Well I would think that part of that plea deal would include anger management at the least.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 9:54 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Having worked in a battered women's shelter, I am well aware that women hit men also. I don't know if that's the case here, and at any rate, it doesn't excuse HIS behavior; but it does happen as well.

Twiggyish
Member

08-14-2000

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 11:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twiggyish a private message Print Post    
I think hitting is never acceptable from either party. It doesn't resolve anything, either.