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Archive through February 02, 2009

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, December 19, 2008 - 1:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, December 19, 2008




“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, December 22, 2008 - 12:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

The daily humorscope

Monday, December 22, 2008

Charles Darwin:

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
--------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 - 3:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 24, 2008
----------------------------------------------
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-- Will Rogers

----------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A new exercise video or DVD you watch this month, either given to you as a gift in this gift giving season, or as a freebie in a newspaper or magazine, will ultimately give you the body of your dreams. You must keep these exercises going, however, and only then will that body fat you have built up over the last 15 years start to dissolve in about 10 years time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

On the home decoration front: You will have difficulty explaining the shade of off-brown that you want to your local paint mixing store. Let the planets help you with this - take a colour picture of Jupiter and point out exactly the shade you are looking for (the bit just under the red blotch). Sorted.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Stay on Saturn's good side all month and you are set for bounties untold. These bounties could come in any form including in the form of no form at all.

Gifts involving small dwarf like animals are well starred, as are miniature carrots and lettuce leaves, aaahhhh!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This month gifts involving the letter 'v' are well starred, especially if they are blue in colour.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Escargot (French for snails) and French Toast are both moderately starred when eaten on their own, but your chances of winning the lottery will quadruple if you have eaten both of these delicacies before buying a lottery ticket at any time during the month. If they actually sell these items in the shop where you buy the ticket this increases to 6 times better chance of winning, thanks to one of Saturn's moons.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Be on your guard and don't try ordering the same cocktail with the umbrella because that will only make things worse. Best to steer clear of all cocktails until well into February or until Saturn gets out of his 1960's type funk.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

An interview involving Larry King is badly starred this month. The chances are that it is not you he is interviewing, although it could be if Mercury and Mars have their way. No, it's more likely that something untoward will happen when you watch him or when you are doing something else when the interview is broadcast.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to learn to play the tuba. Yes, that bouncy tune with a catchy lyric and beat you have stuck in your head is driving you and those around you clinically mad. This is a madness that will creep up on those around you and will ultimately lead to exhibitionistic dancing in a shopping mall or down your street if Neptune has anything to do with it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware an overly enthusiastically licky dog from the 24th of the month up until the crows on the 27th. If you don't have a that crows in your neighbourhood then estimate when this would be, probably around an hour before day break.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Multiple strangenesses, possibly taking the form of red and white beards or wigs could possibly serve to undermine your view of reality at times. Reindeers with red noses should be avoided until well into the 29th of the month - perhaps try to buy their favours with a bowl of water, maybe a small sweet pie before then, but nothing more.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A cartoon from your youth is about to come back in a Christmas Carol, Dickensian type dreamy-way, perhaps a Christmases past, future, present, type thing. Never fear, it's only a dream: to stop the torment all you have to do is to press firmly on the nose of the narrator and then refuse to stop pressing until he gives in.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, December 26, 2008 - 10:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope


Friday, December 26, 2008


"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Libra.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Remember: what doesn't kill you makes you strong. Well, except for potato chips. (I know that from personal experience.) And every problem is
an opportunity in disguise! Except, possibly, toenail fungus. Actually, people say a lot of dumb things that sound smart at the time.
Today is a good day to keep that in mind.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This would be an opportune time to embarrass your relatives. There are many ways to accomplish this, of course, but my personal favorite is also one of the easiest to do: dress funny.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 - 3:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.
Author: Stephen R. Covey
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 - 2:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Thoughts are like arrows: once released, they strike their mark. Guard them well or one day you may be your own victim.

-American Indian Proverb, Navajo
--------------------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 01, 2009 - 4:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday January 1, 2009

You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950), "Back to Methuselah" (1921), part 1, act 1


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Whatever you do, DO NOT read today's horoscope. It will be extremely graphic and disturbing. And a piano will fall on your head.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Have you updated your resume recently? Be sure to include lots and lots of lies!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It's "fun with water day" today! Be daring, dress up as a fire hydrant and hang out at the dog pound. Throwing water balloons is always fun, so climb to the top of city hall and pelt unsuspecting bureaucrats

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Dreams tonight may be particularly colorful and animated, with a peppy score composed by John Williams.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Write a 5000-page essay on why Crayola can't design a better crayon sharpener. Send it to them. Eagerly await a reply.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Cough incessantly all day long. Refuse to cover your mouth. Mutter phrases like "outrageous cost of medical care" and "highly contagious" under your breath. This SHOULD get you a well deserved few days off.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You may be detained today for beating eggs. Common sense prevails today, so declare any marriage proposal from anyone claiming to be Tommy Lee

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Try to get someone involved in a discussion of whether the Boston Pops are somehow related to Sugar Corn Pops. Refuse to be talked out of this idea

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Be nice to squirrels today


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

COLOURS that hurt the eyes should be avoided as far as possible today. I sense a feeling of delight in you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

you're missing a few important elements for a truly great winter: a kiddie pool in the living room (for watchin' TV in style), Potted Meat Snackaz!, and a good poking stick for changing channels when your clicker inevitably dies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 02, 2009 - 1:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, January 2, 2009
}


The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing.
William J. Broad

-----------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!"

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 35th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You'll have a brilliant idea, but nobody will take you seriously. You should be able to will them over with pure logic, however. There must be millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there - how many of them wouldn't want an itsy bitsy chainsaw? Maybe if you start off with the little teensy shovel and wheelbarrow

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, January 05, 2009 - 3:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope

Monday, January 05, 2009



Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.
Cary Grant (1904 - 1986)

--------------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber ducky, you'll need to get that first, of course.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, January 06, 2009 - 3:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, January 06, 2009

--------------------------------------------------------


Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.
Dale Carnegie


------------------------------------------------

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Do something unexpected, like pretend you're Monty Hall all day. Walk around the city yelling at random people, "Are you sure you want to go with door number two?"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are under the misconception that your pantry is filled with crackers. Its not - its actually filled with goats

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry? Your new look will include not one but two hats(one for your head and one for your nose), and ruby earrings(yes you too Gregg).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A friend will come to you with an idea that could reap huge financial rewards for all involved. The only catch is that you will have to move to Nevada and change your last name to "Reward@@!@".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Buy the answering machine and moon boots that you have been coveting. Avoid women who wear their hair in a bun, and whatever you do, don't speak to any Large(7 foot) white rabbits this month.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Order a pizza tonight, but make your topping selection impossibly complicated: "I'd like half onion, third mushroom, then meat toppings divided into eights -- and could you spell out HAPPY January Nothingness DAY in pepperoni?"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

I checked for you and here's your answer: No it is not okay to clean your ears out with the eraser of a #2 pencil.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will travel back in time today, and find out who really shot J.R, and why it was all a dream that bobby was dead.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A good day to psych-out that psychic clutter hanging around your pysche. Get psychedelic with your psychiatrist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 - 4:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, January 07, 2009



The talk talks and the walk talks, but the walk talks louder than the talk. Fred Roach, head of the Baylor Medical System Leadership Council contributed by Nick Hollingshad

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 08, 2009 - 12:43 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Thursday, January 08, 2009
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Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. ~Walter Elliott, The Spiritual Life
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)


It’s unlikely that your idea for a crouton website will take off. Ditto for your plan to open a store that exclusively sells vintage audio cassettes and is only open on Tuesdays. Stop dreaming and start showing up for your real job on time
T
aurus (April 20 - May 20)

A great day to take up a new hobby, like square dance calling. Later, if you get really good, you can make a career of it. Run the square dance circuit, that sort of thing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

While your mate is sleeping tonight, paint giant green polka dots all over him. When he wakes up, say, "Honey, you've certainly come down with a peculiar rash!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

LEGAL tender has now been made illegal. So give it up. (Mail it to Nancy)

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Well buck up, little camper, here is some sound advice for you. Go that way, really fast (what, you can't see me pointing?). If something gets in your way ... turn. Also, you might want to try a silly walk. It definitely wouldn't hurt. Don't forget raisins; you like raisins.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Don't grow a beak unless you want to be arrested on Friday, by police officers searching your underpants for mice

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Take apart a circuit board today to find out how it works. Fry it up with some butter and garlic to find out how it tastes
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 09, 2009 - 3:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, January 09, 2009

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The extremely high impact yoga workout DVD that you received as a present during the recent season of giving, has changed the karmic ether in your house. To those who study these things, this is clearly visible from the road, so expect more than your share of door-to-door salesmen and religious nuts over the coming month.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Ensure you accurately tie any shoe laces, or other knots in your clothing, to avoid embarrassment as, after 11th, a planetary alignment will attempt to trip you up.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A cheeky, or very crinkled, elderly relative will encourage you to try out various meditative states this month, the aim of which is, apparently, to see if you have any past life recollection. Avoid wearing orange and pink when in a meditative state and do not remove your shoes even though your feet will sweat erratically at times.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Do not hesitate to draw hairpieces on bald people in pictures in magazines or newspapers, whether you bought the publication or not - this is excellent, cost effective, therapy.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover, much to your chagrin, that a 1970's retro disco has been named after you - it's opening downtown this month. Offer to guest open it in flared trousers and big hair for not less than $1000 appearance money or free drinks for life.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Arranging fruits in a bowl including Oranges, Apples and Pears, but not Pineapples - due to an intransigent Uranus - could offer an interesting diversion to deciding on a New Year based attempt at self improvement.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A man in a mask is in danger of upsetting you up to three times. Never consider the use of physical violence against your Zorro self-imagined foe, just Tut! loudly, and at length, until he disappears.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

An aging beautician will challenge you to an arm wrestle following a moment of unintended rudeness during work on your cuticles. Go for the quick slam to start with, in the hope that the woman is a late starter.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

New Year resolutions involving spacecraft or plastic figures found in cereal boxes are particularly well starred, guaranteeing a result of some sort or other.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Avoid newspaper articles and unsolicited e-mail's proclaiming the benefits of meditation. Meditation in all of its forms is poorly starred at the moment, especially during this time of Saturn's ring hypertension.
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 - 2:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, January 13, 2009

====================
The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Mark Twain
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Alf

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to sweetcorn

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Gurning championships are no place for someone like you and yet you'll be tempted to find out not only *what* they are, in detail, but where they take place, entry fees, and who in your family has a talent for gurning.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

See how clever you can be today by attempting to count your lose change inside your pocket WITHOUT taking your hand or the money out.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. The computer you are trying to access has forbidden you entry as it deems your horoscope too scary. The truth is much harder to find than fiction. Don't be afraid to spread dirty lies.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

scientists have found out that when the wind changes, your face doesn't get locked in its current position - this knowledge may serve you well.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks like your nose. Brown is your unlucky colour for today. Avoid it whereever possible.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Personal warranties don't mean that you're ever going get your money back on that piece of crap you bought of the "man in the funny hat". There are lots of ideas screaming to be let out of your head. Let them free, and they'll scream in other people's heads too!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You're getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You need to get more exercise, but can't tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 6:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Thursday, January 15, 2009

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"Time is the coin of your life.
It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you."
~ Carl Sandburg ~
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Don't take everything you have for granted - insure everything for 125% of the original cost. The way that aliens think is none of your business.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You're doing really well, keep it up! Many of your hang-ups would disappear if you started wearing clothes that more suited you. Always think "Take the easy way out". You won't go wrong.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooooo!". There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there too

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be plagued by happy people, but don't be swayed by them, stay miserable. I do not think this horoscope means what you think it means.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution.I would,however, stop short of laying on the floor kicking.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

When asked to perform in a successful jazz band, consider all your options before accepting. When there's work to be done, there's no shame in procrastination. You should buy some new electronics.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your ability to perform open heart surgery may be brought into question today as you attempt to help an asthmatic in the local park who's having breathing difficulties. Butter your bread on both sides so that if the bread falls, you'll be screwed no matter what. It may be easier to make a toasted sandwich.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Be playful at heart and you'll reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Hop, Skip, Jump and play jacks!!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Every day is a winding road, they say. Today this is especially true when you find your love walking down a winding road with you. Initially they'll be way ahead in front but with your power-house thighs you'll soon catch up and start the most magical conversation you've ever had.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy and helpless" is probably not what they had in mind.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 16, 2009 - 4:43 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, January 16, 2009

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The best changes often start as a single, simple thought. Think big, and discover the ways to make your dreams real.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

All the base that were belong to you are soon to be re-patriotised with their original owners. Your lucky horse for today is: Sombrero's Lid.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Sandwich is your lucky word for today and is likely to be involved in some sort of belly-filling incident. Although your subtle forms of persuasion have worked well in the past, your partner may start to get tired of your spontaneous singing of broadway show tunes to initiate sex.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Three is the magic number because some people have a magic superfluous nipple which can change the colour of the sky. The colours you see around you are intended to give you an idea of three dimensional space. Close your eyes and you become a dangerous walking buffoon

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Saucy!" should not be used as a synonym for sweaty. The number you are thinking of is an odd number below 50.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You may find solace in someone's choice of underwear today. You do a lot of good work, make people pay for it! Install that software, make it a priority! (Don't blame us if your computer starts dissolving)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Hat buying could serve you well today as a potential relationship sparks up in a hat shop. Specifically, you'll be looking at hats. Your potential partner may be looking at gloves. You may discuss why a hat shop sells gloves.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Super-hero day is your own invention, and as such not a free-pass to wearing your underwear on the outside.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Going to the movies is an excellent way to spend your final hours. I mean, final hours of the day, obviously. Not of your life. All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again"

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Cartoons will flavour the day for you, today, giving you ideas and humour. We don't lie to you to make you return to this website. OK, that's a lie, we think you're gorgeously beautiful.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, January 19, 2009 - 1:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Monday, January 19, 2009

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“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.


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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 - 11:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

The daily humorscope
Wednesday, January 21, 2009

==================================
Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.
John F. Kennedy
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

. If you can't tell your arse from your elbow, it might be time to lose some weight. Flabby arms are not attractive to anyone but the walking dead or possibly alley cats and dogs

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In many ways you should really go now, but instead you're fascination by this crazy online world of surreal shenanigans. Oooh like, there's a little birdie!...oh no, sorry, it's an email. What's prettier, eh? You silly online surfing human person!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Unfortunately for you, the way forward can sometimes be the way backwards this week. This may become a particularly apparent problem whilst travelling along a busy motorway

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze". You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Business clothes are not suitable for the swimming baths. Please take your extraordinary ideas about personal freedom elsewhere.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

The loony-left is a phrase that you quite like. For what it's worth, today is going to be very short. Which is a very good thing for you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The word "Terry" will be important today for reasons that are as perplexing to us as they will be to you. In fact, we estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion today will be caused by the very idea that "Terry" will be important, today.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 22, 2009 - 3:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope
Thursday, January 22, 2009


Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You may be feeling sporty today but don't spend all that money on new sports gear and equipment. You are likely to lose interest in this new found "passion" within 20 days

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you want to ride your bicycle, then by all means do it. But I refuse to be held responsible for any consequences. To make yourself feel beautiful, hug a tree, kiss a baby, read a classic, and then take a long train journey.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Unruly behaviour by your closest friends can be solved using cake-forks. Don't worry. Be happy. Your favourite colour will today start to look a little different.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

My gift to you is this wisdom: he who makes love at awkward angle, gets back problems for next day. Looking into your future is like looking into a blocked pipe on a waste disposal machine.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Post-it note your entire life and you can become some kind of local hero. You're almost certainly to star on the local news

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Music is likely to help you through today, so try to listen to as much as possible. Pretending to pick fleas off a new member of staff may seem appealing, but the gag may be on you if you actually find some.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustiness.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The legend of the baked bean may trouble you today as last night's meal tries to catch up with last week's.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Be wary of all new friends today as they may turn out to be Russian spies, or possibly wannabe astronomers.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 23, 2009 - 3:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Friday, January 23, 2009
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Bertrand Russell:

A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Laminated wallpaper can be a great idea to turn your walls into washable, wipeable blank canvasses

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today might be a day where new things start to happen. You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your worst fears may come to light today when you are shoved into a very small hole filled with sharks, insects, spiders, snaked and moths. If you feel like you're struggling to go ahead with the rest of the world, sit down, relax and perhaps watch some day time television.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Many of your problems can be solved by sitting down with a pen and paper and doodling pictures of houses and perhaps tornadoes

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Be cuddly today and possibly as fluffy as possible. Repetition may annoy you today as someone close by tells you the same damned story over and over again.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Go with that animal instinct. You're Tony the tiger?and you're GRRRRREEEAT.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your sub-conscience may decide to rebel against you today and force you to re-remember everything you had managed to block out. Although you may try to pass yourself off as a second level wizard, your skills are so feeble I doubt you could open a book by only using your tongue.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your lucky horse for today is: Sombrero's Lid. Get used to seeing bruises over the next few days as you and furniture begin not seeing eye to eye.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, January 26, 2009 - 1:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Monday, January 26, 2009
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Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.
George S. Patton
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Cancer isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The Forest God will bestow upon you the gift of talking to all the beasts of the field and birds of the air, but until you decide to shape up you'll still be a lousy listener.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

After an internal audit of Libra's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 - 2:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope
Wednesday, January 28, 2009

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Abigail Van Buren:
The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A baby's cries will apparently tell you the winner in a horse race tomorrow. Gamble a small amount and reinvest the winnings in a coffee with no froth from Starbucks.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today a street bum will improbably give you his loose change - beware, this could be a prank TV stunt - do not give your consent to them using the videoed evidence - however enjoy the copious amount of alcoholic beverage (including nuts) they offer in the negotiations...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A toy tiger or lion is set to make tonight zing with jungle based uncertainty especially if wearing a loin cloth or leopard style underwear.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You have always enjoyed rearranging furniture ever since your college years when you shared a flat with two Feng-shui extremists. This evil side of your personality has lain dormant for far too long... When invited to your next sleep over, get up in the middle of the night to rearrange the furniture downstairs.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

An old argument you once had with a school friend in the 1980's that you thought had been forgotten about, is set to annoy you once again this month (vinyl is better than cassette tapes?)

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A small African ornament on the fireplace will grow by half an inch this month but nobody will notice.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be asked by a Broadway director to play the lead in Fiddler on the Roof due, solely, to your bushy beard. You will accept the role, rehearse well, but at the last minute you will decide not to turn up.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

On this day you could be faced with a pivotal decision which can only be resolved by the use of a toy Tarot card set. Always remember that the power of the Tarot is never enhanced by an overly cynical attitude.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Avoid drop-kicking a ball of paper that you screw up on the 26th as you are at risk of a complicated incident ensuing... you will miss the waste basket in any case.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Beware men in orange socks and bow ties not from a circus.

You are in danger of a Jamie Lee Curtis type experience with a man wearing a hockey mask unless you floss daily.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 29, 2009 - 3:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Thursday, January 29, 2009

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The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn't just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter. When I tell you a cat must have three different names... - T.S. Eliot

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The problem is that you are not taking Mercury's warm-up exercises seriously enough. These are essential lest you are doomed to pull even more obscure muscles during the necessary athletic exertions covered in the advanced lessons next month.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A dance class, or a kick-boxercise session, is fraught with muscle-achy downside this month, especially when punching the air or skipping with others.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Ensure your insurance cover is up to date just in case the flux capacitor breaks again.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

New found confidence could open up a whole new dimension to your typical Ariesian attitude to life, however avoid buying a new hat on 24th even though it matches your shoes.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Apples are a good food to take while travelling both physically, metaphysically and academically because they can also double as something handy to throw at things. Imagine taking along sandwiches - sandwiches are great to eat but throw them and they just disintegrate!

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You are going on a journey, according to Neptune, a long journey, possibly one involving sand, hot air and bumpiness. But a journey can, of course, be as much a spiritual one as well as a physical one, it can mean a kind of advancement, of learning.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your chart seems to indicate that you are about to come in for a substantial amount of wealth, or stuff. Be forewarned: set up an Ebay sellers account in a split second to maximise your returns.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A call on a cell phone, or a standard phone, is set to add intrigue into your life for the rest of the month. Running, jumping, but not flying are all highly starred depending on your body weight.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are 25% likely to invent a new cocktail over the week-end. You have a 3% chance of becoming Time magazine's person of the year 2009 for this invention that is set to help the world through a serious economic downturn.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Avoid water when possible, and everything with water in it. All humans are about 90% water so take care.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 30, 2009 - 4:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The daily humorscope
Friday, January 30, 2009

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If you have health, you probably will be happy, and if you have health and happiness, you have all the wealth you need, even if it is not all you want. ~Elbert Hubbard
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Dimple Toes."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Clarity of thought is something you need to accomplish today. Optrex is your lucky fluid for the day. Hope can be found in the bottom of some packets of cereal. However, relying on this fact is probably a folly you should avoid.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Ten to one may seem like fair odds, but then how likely are you to be able to successfully breed Pandas with Llamas (a Panama).

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Limericks are great, but perhaps you might avoid talking incessantly in one large storybook of tall tales. The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realise you have other stronger ties.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Accuracy is not necessary when stacking blocks, until you come to around the 5th or 6th. Hats have always looked good on you. Yes, today is definitely a hat day. Go hat! Weather can change in an instant, so be prepared for every eventuality today. Even and especially if that means dressing up in 3 different types of clothing.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Although you never really felt like you made a difference yesterday, your kind words and understanding made the world spin 0.0001% faster for approximately 3 nano-seconds.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find a butterfly in your face some time this week. You may start to question evolution today, and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Keep an eye on your watch today as time might run away from you. Tantalising new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your tendencies may get you into trouble today. Or it might just be a day like every other day. Ignore those who laugh at your sense of style, *I* love that pink top and Orange Skirt on you!!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

LEDs may come to the rescue for your today, shining fluorescently to the answer you truly seek. Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You tend to be less true to yourself at work, but today you may let a little of yourself slip out at a most awkward moment. Half of what I say is meaningless...the other half is pure gold, purer than any snow that ever fell. Purer than the white cover on that classic Beatles' album.
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, February 02, 2009 - 5:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Monday, February 02, 2009
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Build for your team a feeling of oneness, of dependence on one another and of strength to be derived by unity."
Vince Lombardi
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Extreme cases of argument preparation may even make you talk to yourself, or at least mouth the words and act "all weird like" to passers by or other people sitting next to you on buses or trains. 75% of all strange people will be Taurans this month.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Saturn has become adamant that you must now change your hairstyle after months of dithering.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Although you should stick to your new vow of total honesty, it's still ok to have physical infirmities. For example, if someone asks you how
they look, it's ok to pretend to have hearing loss. Especially if stripes are involved.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In an astounding development, you will find a clog in your sink. This is actually a first time, for you, that any sort of footwear has appeared
in the sink, let alone a clog.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today, after watching Martha Stewart on TV, you will be inspired to come up with a system of measurement for personal energy, and will invent
equipment to detect it. The average person, you will find, has between 20 and 45 microstewarts.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A man in a kaftan will offer you some advice which may ultimately lead to you buying a red T-shirt.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

TOday your destiny will be affected by a small yappy type dog with a large tongue.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will soon go on a pilgrimage to "Carhenge" (a replica of Stonehenge constructed out of car bodies). Be sure to take your Hungarian friend
who studies theology, even though he's being a trifle Hegelian lately.(Don't mention it, though -- he's just waiting for an excuse to say he
"Kant get over it".)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A chance encounter with an Englebert Humperdink impersonator will conveniently provide you with an answer to a crossword puzzle.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Eat only organic fruit and vegetables for a second week (sorry we forgot to mention this last week).