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Archive through April 11, 2008

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Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Friday, September 21, 2007 - 4:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Grooch
Member

06-16-2006

Friday, September 21, 2007 - 4:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Grooch a private message Print Post    
That is so demented, Lateeda!!!! LOL!

Rissa
Member

03-20-2006

Friday, September 21, 2007 - 5:24 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
RFLMAO!! Put me down in the demented joke appreciation club too Lateeda. :-)

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Saturday, September 22, 2007 - 7:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
Just leave me alone
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed; he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Monday, September 24, 2007 - 9:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,


Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14 Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT"S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least, yesterday he went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!


Regards,
Wal-Mart

Wilsonatmd
Member

01-23-2001

Monday, September 24, 2007 - 4:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wilsonatmd a private message Print Post    
this happened on live tv....

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x31zrp_sick-on-air_news

Grooch
Member

06-16-2006

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 8:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Grooch a private message Print Post    
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to s trangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

< B>It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never t ouched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. Y ou're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Clo se To Your Heart!!!
Share this with a friend!
I Just Did!

Dokatola
Member

06-20-2007

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 6:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dokatola a private message Print Post    
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HAUNTAHOLIC WHEN ..
you're pestered all year by kids who want to know what the theme for THIS year is.
you find yourself thinking that one corpse is more attractive than another.
you get more excited over a fog machine than a dirty movie.
you have more help at your haunt than necessary for an old-fashioned barn raising.
you have more than ten sound effect CD's.
you have names for the skeletons in your closet.
you play spooky music all year round.
you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse's birthday, Christmas or anniversary.
you try to make Fido look like a hellhound every Halloween.
your neighbors avoid you a full month before Halloween.
your garage, basement and attic contain nothing but Halloween props.
the only candelabra you own is in a spider web motif.
there is a monster under your bed because your attic/basement/garage is full.
your electric bill higher in October than in December.
the family dog ignores masked individuals breaking into your house.
instead of giving your child a cat or dog, you give them a gargoyle to play with.
the guy at the paint counter at the hardware store sees you coming and starts stacking gallon cans of flat black on the counter.
you go to "Goth Night" at a local club, armed with a pocketful of "volunteer recruitment" flyers.
you can't watch a horror movie without jotting down ideas every two minutes.
you're nervous about taking rolls of film in to be developed, for fear the police might show up at your house looking for the corpses.
you have a room in your house reserved for special props/projects, and won't allow anyone in there because it'll "spoil the Halloween surprise!"
people refuse to walk into your house at night.
people refuse to walk into your house in broad daylight!
you have a customized license plate that has something to do with Halloween.
you start actually setting up your yard haunt in August...
you judge homes by how well a haunt could be set up in them.
your toddler's first words are "TRICK OR TREAT!"
it's not uncommon to see a "Barbie" doll hanging in a noose in you're daughters room.
your teenager wants his/her "own" coffin....
you start checking out the Halloween Online family of web site in June every year!

Dokatola
Member

06-20-2007

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 6:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dokatola a private message Print Post    
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W"

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier? You hear the broom boom.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle? She got spaced out

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle!

What do witches use on their hair?
Scare spray

Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What does the Coven's softball team do on Halloween? They practice pitchcraft.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!

Twiggyish
Member

08-14-2000

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 6:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twiggyish a private message Print Post    
LOL!

Riviere
Member

09-09-2000

Saturday, December 01, 2007 - 2:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Riviere a private message Print Post    
My cousin related news of her visit to a sister in Minneapolis this way:
Sis had a new car and she and a neighbor friend wanted to show my cousin Mall of America. Fine. The sister then insisted my cousin drove the new car, being more experienced on freeways. Fine. Off they went, three women in their 60s to do a little holiday shopping, a 30 minute drive. But soon my cousin noticed her sister & friend nodded off and she couldn't see any signs to the mall. Undaunted she kept driving until it was getting dark and her sister awoke to ask "where in the world are we, was there a detour?". My cousin stopped for directions at a convenience store. The young clerk stared, scratched his head, said, "I'm not sure how to get to the Mall of America, ma'am, but welcome to Wisconsin!"...

Wink
Member

10-06-2000

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 12:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wink a private message Print Post    
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he t old her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you ------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be any thing 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Heyltslori
Moderator

09-15-2001

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 12:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Heyltslori a private message Print Post    
That's hilarious Wink!

Jewels
Member

09-23-2000

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 12:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jewels a private message Print Post    
I love it!!

Lumbele
Moderator

07-12-2002

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 1:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lumbele a private message Print Post    
Love it!

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 6:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
Goddessatlaw wrote that, didn't she? LOL

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 8:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
Oh my, lol, that is great!

Spygirl
Board Administrator

04-23-2001

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 8:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Spygirl a private message Print Post    
Best laugh I've had in a long, long time!

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 8:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Herckleperckle a private message Print Post    
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your type in here, get the hell out." And he throws them out into the street. One string twists himself all up and messes up his hair and marches back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey! Aren't you that string I just threw out of here!?"

The string looks up at the bartender and says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 8:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Hmmmm... she must have written that during her period.

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 8:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Herckleperckle a private message Print Post    
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Friday, February 15, 2008 - 8:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Herckleperckle a private message Print Post    
The Secretary of Defense is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Hermione69
Member

07-24-2002

Friday, March 07, 2008 - 7:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hermione69 a private message Print Post    
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS."



Lumbele
Moderator

07-12-2002

Friday, March 07, 2008 - 7:47 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lumbele a private message Print Post    
LOL, good one, Hermi. Especially since dh just asked me if have had breakfast yet.

Holly
Member

06-19-2005

Friday, April 11, 2008 - 11:26 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Holly a private message Print Post    
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's' cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his motor cycle,runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NY Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says,

"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from The New York Times , you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:



BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."