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Archive through March 23, 2009

Reality TVClubHouse Discussions: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Jan ~ Apr 2009: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through March 23, 2009 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, February 05, 2009 - 4:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Thursday, February 05, 2009
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Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent.
Sophia Loren (1934 - )
-------------------------------------------

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Its doubtful whether or not you will find any iPods hidden inside bananas, but try to be careful if you do decide to eat one.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connoisseur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connoisseur overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You should have turned left at that intersection, just like your wife said. Now you will never hear the end of it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Remember the words of Aristotle today: "All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind." Isn't it time you started doing what you love, and trusting
that the money will follow? (If that seems improbable, just consider turning it into a Game Show -- nearly everything goes, there. I'm
currently working on a deal to produce a new show called "Whacking Things With Sticks", myself.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Bad day to tease a yak.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. I don't care that your lawn is covered in six feet of snow-buck up will ya!!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in “Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit” by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today everything will seem strangely incomplete to you, as though you



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Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Friday, February 06, 2009 - 2:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
Oh my Nancy, I just laughed out loud here.

Darren's a gemini, "You should have turned left at that intersection, just like your wife said. Now you will never hear the end of it."

We had to drop my van off at the shop today to get a brake job tomorrow morning. I had no clue where the shop was other than somewhere over by Kota's bffs moms house so Darren was driving his car in front of me. He'd only told me the name of the shop (Blue something or other.) Anyways, we drove across town and into a businessy section of the city and I thought good thing he was in front of me cuz I'd have never found it on my own.

We came to an intersection and he turned right. Before I turned, I looked left and there was this big blue building with the sign so I honked my horn and pulled over right at the corner to wait for him. He drove all the way down the street before realizing I wasn't behind him, then did a u-turn, came back and kinda shrugged at me. I had to point him to the other end of the street.

I laughed all the way home (he constantly teases me about getting lost on a regular basis in a city I've lived 30 years in, especially since he never gets lost!)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, February 06, 2009 - 7:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
LOL I guess I should have posted it earlier in the day then you could have saved your hubby the trouble-but then they wouldnt be as fun for you LOL.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, February 06, 2009 - 4:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, February 06, 2009
----------------------------------
Life is like music; it must be composed by ear, feeling, and instinct, not by rule.
-- Samuel Butler
---------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You've heard the expression, "Its better to give your friends lots of marshmallows instead of foaming soap granules". Well the same goes for your collection of jellyfish -erhaps playing a musical turnip through your ear could help your situation.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A quiet period approaches where you will get the urge to morph into an acorn and dance like a cat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Replacing all your hair with cream soda will cause all your friends to turn into mutant cucumbers with inflatable baseball bats for arms. This is not a good path to take at the moment considering the fact that you have alien technology disguised as a sixth finger.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Control the urge to drive. jump instead.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Never loan money to blue dogs! They are poor credit risks.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Unless you organize your milk better, you won't get anything done.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Buy some flowers at a bodega (or make some out of paper, if you're broke), skip merrily and strew flowers in your wake. Or at least picture the current White House administration doing it. Either way, get some exercise and do some slow breathing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your boss doesn't want to hear about your plans to turn the conference room into a coed sauna, that poodle-grooming business you've been dreaming about is not going to pan out in this economy, and that habit of singing along to Barry Manilow at 3 a.m. is not going to impress the cutie down the hall.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A creative streak may inspire you to destroy 13 of your favourite pencils, but this is nothing to be worried about if you have already painted yourself orange.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Never underestimate the power of slow monotonal chanting in monk type attire. There is a strangely understated violence to the practice that even Jack Bauer would be intimidated by

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Trampolining and large red noses are perfectly starred, as are trips to the supermarket, especially the fresh foods areas.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A book is waiting to be bought by you on an internet site that is set to change your life. But which one is it? Jupiter is adamant that you should discover it for yourself, Neptune and Uranus both want to provide help. Expect little incidents to enter your consciousness this month as the planets attempt to guide your book buying life changing preferences, or not as the case may be.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, February 16, 2009 - 4:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope Monday, February 16, 2009
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Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love.
David McCullough (1933 - )
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Knowing your hand span may become useful over the coming days, although the mystics will not give me any information as to how or why.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongruous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You are a carrier bag and life is one big supermarket. Now you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12". That's as exciting as it gets.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and a lot of theft. The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooooo!". There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there too.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Buying a T-Shirt proclaiming your bald patch is a solar panel for a sex machine is a good idea.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks like your nose.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Peaches and cream are a cheap and enjoyable dessert menu for any supper guests.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, February 19, 2009 - 9:04 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Thursday, February 19, 2009

=======================================
A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - from Kids Say the Darndest Things
----------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your tendencies may get you into trouble today. Or it might just be a day like every other day. Terrible envy can be yours all for the price of walking into a very expensive car showroom. Use that negative energy to summon up dark spirits.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your stupidity today will be rivalled only by your embarrassment. A nearby construction company may approach you this morning in an attempt to fool you into thinking that the world is about to explode

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Many of your feelings can be expressed in the form of haikus. However, you'll be lucky if you can find anyone who gives a flying hoot, or who actually finds them impressive in any way

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

My gift to you is this wisdom: he who makes love at awkward angle, gets back problems for next day. A lot of your work will be undone today as someone evil and vicious sets about making your life less nice.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Shallow puddles may deceive you today. Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after losing a "wacky race".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution. Be playful at heart and you'll reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. If you feel ill a visit to the doctor could be in store.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Your future may be tainted by a mistake in your past. Now is the time for a new resolution. If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You may think later this month that your computer has been hacked by some 12 year old American girl. However, you will soon come to realise that actually a family pet has chewed through the cord of your mouse

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You may be diagnosed with flu at some point this week. Gibberish may possibly occur to you at some point during the next 12 days as you attempt to do something new, or possibly old.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Prognostication is not a good word when you are guessing the colour of a lady's real hair colour. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Bad things are afoot. I mean, can't you smell it?
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, February 23, 2009 - 4:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Monday, February 23, 2009
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The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
-- William James
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Star crossed lovers are set to bring a Shakespearean twist to your love life, beware window ledges or porches in all of their forms - and hats with feathers in them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your lucky sport this week will be the hop, skip and jump, not necessarily in that order

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The charts suggest that everything is going superbly well in your life at the moment. Generally when this happens people are less likely to seek reassurance from horoscopes, so we won't waste any more of our valuable time on you today.

However, avoid dental hygienists called Tracy at all costs.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Furry animals partial to banana and guava fruit will make a painful compromise bearable.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try as hard as you can to achieve the required levels of suppleness for section three of the aforementioned yoga DVD as this skill will be useful when handling an incident involving a fish swimming in a bowl of water.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This seemingly, unbelievably, ludicrously well paid new profession, should be carefully considered, although your attention is drawn to the significant amounts of small print in the contract.
Take refuge in your gruff persona daily until 11am.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A book with a black and blue cover is set to answer a question that you have been asking for months. Use the answer wisely then destroy the book with fire.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A man dressed in purple with a pointy hat, a white rabbit or, maybe, just an escaped circus animal, is set to make today zing in a Harry Potter kind of way. Enjoy the magical powers bestowed on you by a rare flummox between Pluto and Mars.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A small baby tortoise is determined to bring you down this week, especially in any lettuce related dispute.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your lucky sport will be 'dressing for the event'. Take care to dress carefully into athletic gear before sitting in front of the television to watch your favorite soap or sporting event.

Your preferred TV meals are those which require over 5 minutes of microwaving

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Space aliens will continue to make sporadic entries into your consciousness unless effective measures are taken to eliminate them with aluminum or silver foil. Be especially on your guard against alien-inspired middle management in all of its forms.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, February 27, 2009 - 12:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope
Friday, February 27, 2009

A kitten is chiefly remarkable for rushing about like mad at nothing whatever, and generally stopping before it gets there.
-- Agnes Repplier
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your date with Dave will go swimmingly until the part in which the waiter turns out to be an escaped zoo monkey.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
That special someone who keeps promising to buy you sexy underwear finally does, but you are unable to persuade him to take it off his head.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
If someone says "the," "a," or "and" to you one more time, you're gonna scream.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really Irking the neighbors
.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your collection of bobby vinton records, no?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 02, 2009 - 4:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Monday, March 02, 2009


What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière
--------------------------------


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Gurning championships are no place for someone like you and yet you'll be tempted to find out not only *what* they are, in detail, but where they take place, entry fees, and who in your family has a talent for gurning

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The way you dance around the office may cause some to question certain parts of your personal life.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Apocalyptic dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're crazy. A masterplan is forming inside your head and you'll be ready to put it into action any day now.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start.Dressing as a feline may give others cause for concern today.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Become as the rabbit. All will become clear as the moon begins its wane

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Tensions could rise over coming days when someone close to you opens your mail and then puts it in a drawer without telling you. This kind of domestic level issue will irritate you and cause you to act increasingly petty, culminating in the setting up of webcams in your downstairs loo, which feeds directly onto "watchmypartnerpoop.com"

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Alf

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes. A picture frame will feature highly in your day today and will probably make you feel like you'd never gotten out of bed.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your learning may give you cause to grieve today as you are unable to stop local flooding using trigonometry alone.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 - 11:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, March 04, 2009

--------------------------------------------------
The number one sign youhave nothing to do at work:
The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish”,

=========================================================
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This may be a good time to sail to the island of Reunion (about 450 miles east of Madagascar) and grow bananas. Or maybe not. The thing
is, you'll never know unless you try, right?


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your attempts to take up extreme sports will receive another boost this month when, whilst walking out to your car, you will (unbelievably) catch in your arms a large television set thrown out of an upstairs window. The adrenaline rush you get from the success of this catch will feature heavily in your after-dinner talk circuit, and possibly on Letterman, later in your catching career.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Boing! or a crashing sound effect should be used for comedic effect in your life : Saturn wishes you to put it on loudspeaker on your cell phone to annoy the maximum number of people.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You should take steps today to get your name legally changed to 'Wild Thang.' Then whenever someone plays the song, you can stand up and bow."

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
A quiet period approaches where you will get the urge to morph into an acorn and dance like a cat.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
iT's doubtful whether or not you will find any iPods hidden inside bananas, but try to be careful if you do decide to eat oneaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhBGFV

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You have two pairs of pants that look absolutely horrible on you in your closet right now. Throw them out. Just throw them out.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
An annoying song sung out of key is in your future. Jockey for free food at restaurants

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your mountain of old mail is reaching dangerous heights. Pets and small children could be in danger

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

People will choose to stand in front of what you want to buy at the grocery store. No matter what aisle you go to, they will be there--just standing there. Some will shop. Others will just be obliviously blocking your way.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 06, 2009 - 6:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, March 06, 2009
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If you have health, you probably will be happy, and if you have health and happiness, you have all the wealth you need, even if it is not all you want. ~Elbert Hubbard
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Although similes can often be used as humorous ways to compare something that is banal to something that is funny, you are neither cunning nor weasel like, and it would be best if you left the comedy to the comedians.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
There's no harm in taking the day off. Any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your lucky bus number for today is: 212. Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to new neighbours

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today. Many things that people say over the coming days will appear nonsensical, but may start to make sense towards the end of the week.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The age you should be acting like is written on the soles of your shoes. All the yearnings you have will all of a sudden find explosive release this week

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Any rumours you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. You are at a point in your life where you feel you are only there to serve. So get moving! Serve away!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Try to avoid challenging yourself today. You may find that you are ready for a fall.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The best of excuses are those that are plausible (so, not ones that involve you, super-powers and hordes of sexy friends).

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Many of your emotions have been plagiarised by others who have no idea how you feel. NO IDEA I TELLS YA! Distinguished guests will honour you today with their presence.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The colours you see around you are intended to give you an idea of three dimensional space. Close your eyes and you become a dangerous walking buffoon.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 - 2:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will sing "this is the song that never ends" incesantly until your co-worker bops you on the head finally, which will cause u to sing "Frere Jacques" instead.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will take out your"official" star wars light saber and put on your disco tights and dance the night away.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Cartoons will flavour the day for you, today, giving you ideas and humour.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
All that you are may be called into question today when someone calls you a "nancy". You yearn to be a farmer just so that you can be out standing in your field. Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach.
(if your name is Nancy--then your humorscope is that you cat will sit in your face today)---oh wait she already did! Phew!!!

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Friends have always tried to convince you of your madness, but never more so will that be true than this coming weekend.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Whilst this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time today. Oh yes she is. A very nice time. And a good time will be had by all, possibly. Especially if your name is Margaret. Or Marge. Or Maggie. Or Mildred. Or Lucy. Or Jeff. Or Dave. OK, I'll admit the stars are a bit vague on this point, but basically if your name starts with a letter from the Roman alphabet then you're pretty much assured of happiness.
BUT IT WILL LAST FOR ONE HALF HOUR ONLY AFTER READING THIS SO GET HAPPY FAST!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Whilst this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time today. Oh yes she is. A very nice time. And a good time will be had by all, possibly. Especially if your name is Margaret. Or Marge. Or Maggie. Or Mildred. Or Lucy. Or Jeff. Or Dave. OK, I'll admit the stars are a bit vague on this point, but basically if your name starts with a letter from the Roman alphabet then you're pretty much assured of happiness.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 - 12:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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The number one sign you have nothing to do at work: The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish. ~Fred Barling,

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The 17th and 22nd will be lucrative for you this month. Too bad the 1st through the 16th and the 18th through the 21st will be riddled with unforeseen expenses

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A dance class, or a kick-boxercise session, is fraught with muscle-achy downside this month, especially when punching the air or skipping with others.

The problem is that you are not taking Mercury's warm-up exercises seriously enough.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You're determined to stand out with your brand-new shoes, but hold off until major plans come your way. You'll be glad you did!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today might be a good day to walk around with your arms stretched forwards in a "mummy" style.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Your talents dictate that you will not go so far. Position yourself well, for the revolution is almost here.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Giraffes are one of natures most bizarre creatures. Whilst this may seem like a "fact" out of the blue, you'll soon see the relevance over the coming fortnight.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Avoiding the cracks on pavements can seem like a fun game, and probably is. Your ability to play this game may be affected by one or more broken legs.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If it's tasty, then lap it up. If not, don't. This is the best course of action for this week.
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, March 14, 2009 - 9:11 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The daily humorscope
Saturday, March 14, 2009

===================================================
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -- Dave Barry
===================================================
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Tarus (April 20 - May 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 16, 2009 - 12:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Monday, March 16, 2009
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“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.”---dave barry
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! remember to wear your pink pumps with your purple pants and green tube top.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware of the word "behoove" today. Someone is planning to use it on you, and that can spell troble. Er, truoble. No... tribble?
Anyway, it can spell something, so beware

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will encounter something unbearable, but since you’re human, don’t worry
about it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This week, try not to travel on days with the letter “Y” in them,

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Don’t jump from a sky-scraper with an umbrella as a parachute today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You thought your cubicle was small. Wait until they move you into the drawer of a horizontal filing cabinet ... with three other people.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
- No, you can’t put a feather in your cap and be Macaroni.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Money is green, but it doesn’t qualify as a side to chicken

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - 11:29 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Its also doubtful whether or not you will find any iPods hidden inside bananas, but try to be careful if you do decide to eat one.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will not be able to focus today because your Uncle is too busy shoving peanuts in his left ear in the hope it will cure his inability to draw lemmings.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A creative streak may inspire you to destroy 13 of your favourite pencils, but this is nothing to be worried about if you have already painted yourself orange and slapped your Dad with a rubber glove.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.")

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits. What do you do?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will see Green Alligators and Long neck geese--Humpy back camels and Chimpanzees today. If you see a unicorn as well you may be appearing in the next Irish Rovers video--or be incredibly drunk.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Buying a T-Shirt proclaiming your bald patch is a solar panel for a sex machine is a good idea

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arm...

sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will eat green eggs and ham--despite the fact that yoU KEEP saying I will not eat green eggs and ham--i will not eat it here nor there.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Fun is a word that will score you few points in scrabble...but then when was life all about scrabble? Believe everything you read today. You gullibility may cause you problems later this week.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
shell fish is particularly badly starred, however this does not include wearing fashionable shell fish based jewelry or hats which can be worn without fear of ridicule until well after the 18th of the month

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - 11:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Just curious do people still even look in here...and/or like it?

Hermione69
Member

07-24-2002

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - 12:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hermione69 a private message Print Post    
I think they are hilarious! :-)

(But if it is becoming a chore for you, I'm sure people would understand that.)

Lumbele
Moderator

07-12-2002

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - 12:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lumbele a private message Print Post    
Haven't been around much in recent months, but yes, I do still read them whenever I can.

(ditto Hermi)

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - 1:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
Everytime you post them Nancy! I know I don't post all that often, but I do enjoy them.

Scooterrific
Member

07-08-2005

Wednesday, March 18, 2009 - 7:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Scooterrific a private message Print Post    
Nancy I love these!!! They make my day!!!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 19, 2009 - 11:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Thursday, March 19, 2009

==================================================================
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”
================================================================
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Avoid driving a golf cart on the freeway. Start saving styrofoam cups, you may need to float ashore.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Romance, education, and rotating the tire on you unicycle are in your forecast today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You may be detained today for beating eggs. Common sense prevails today, so declare any marriage proposal from anyone claiming to be Tommy Lee.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Be prepared, don't go to any gathering without bringing your Tom Bosley jello mold.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
See a doctor today if you continue to have nightmares that Pat Sajak moves in next door.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excitement arrives in the evening as you are credited with discovering the world's first peanut butter and jellyfish.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Be careful today near high places, sharp or hot objects, and bricklayers with wet mortar. Personal hygiene is a concern today, remember to clip your
toenails with standard nail clippers, not a turbo charged weed wacker.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will sue David Hasslehoff for hoarding the worlds cheese supply.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.

Be afraid; very afraid.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your travel plans are coming along nicely -- you have started them, haven't you? If not, now is the time to think about where you want to go and how you want to get there. The world is yours!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by
turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to ask yourself "who the heck was Vern, anyway, and how come he's got an equinox?" It's because you ask yourself the "big" questions
that so many people respect you, you know.


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Heyltslori
Moderator

09-15-2001

Thursday, March 19, 2009 - 11:37 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Heyltslori a private message Print Post    
I read these all the time Nancy! Thanks for posting them. :-)

And...looks like I need to contact a lawyer.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will sue David Hasslehoff for hoarding the worlds cheese supply.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 19, 2009 - 1:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
And I need to get going on the Paton for pb and jellyfish :-)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 23, 2009 - 7:30 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Monday, March 23, 2009
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What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable. - Joseph Addison
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don't go to the gym today. You may dislocate a toenail.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
According to the stars, your card shuffling skills are heightened today. Challenge someone to a game this afternoon, just to show off your newfound ability.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Only you can make the largest, slickest, greatest pillow fort of all time.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Despite what you may have heard, belly buttons are not good places to store tater tots.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You may have to sharpen your pencil at least seven times today. Don't say you weren't warned.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
-There's something about veggies that excites you today. Or not.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Is history getting you down? Try renaming old presidents to spice things up. G-Wizzle, maybe? Babe Lincoln, probably not.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Don't worry about that squirrel that was staring at you this morning. He was jealous of your haircut.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Wearing a crown to work will not convince your peers that you're royalty. Wearing a crown and carrying a scepter, on the other hand...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will perfect the milk-to-cereal ratio.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Feel free to settle all disputes by thumb war today.