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Archive through October 31, 2008

Reality TVClubHouse Discussions: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2008 - Dec. 2008: Humorscopes : Archive through October 31, 2008 users admin

Author Message
Heyltslori
Moderator

09-15-2001

Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 6:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Heyltslori a private message Print Post    
Thanks Nancy!! I've missed the Daily Humorscope!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 6:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
your welcome--i was just thinking wow i didn't realize it had been that long(over a month!)

Lumbele
Moderator

07-12-2002

Friday, May 30, 2008 - 5:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lumbele a private message Print Post    
Yay, the humourscope's back! Wish I had read it yesterday, could've avoided looking the fool with my bloomers flapping on my head.

Thanks, Nancy!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, May 30, 2008 - 4:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, May 30, 2008

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You don't blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the President. You realize that you control your own destiny.
Albert Ellis



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Cuddly furry creatures are set to provide a period of unease in the outdoors. You have no problem with Teddy Bears and their ilk, however exactly the very same thing but alive to you is pretty much the scariest thing imaginable.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Saturn is convinced you can 'do' a good Captain Kirk and advises you to dress in his attire for much of the month. (There's no point in arguing with the planet, once its mind is made up it is set.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

The Frank Sinatra standard 'New York, New York' will be your 'hum everywhere' tune. If the opportunity presents itself sing this in harmony with at least two others on the train commute to work each morning.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your learning may give you cause to grieve today as you are unable to stop local flooding using trigonometry alone.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You can't star in your own television show if you're a no-talented idiot. Just something to keep in mind - no particular reference to you. Wood may be lucky for you this week, although you'd probably prefer meaty planks to irritating splinters.

Sagattarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

John Wayne has a message for you in one of his old black and white movies. Take heed lest some kind of business or cattle rustling venture will fail.

This month your destiny has the body of a fish, the face of a person and the fingers of a crabby old spinster.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A Boing! or a crashing sound effect should be used for comedic effect in your life this month: Saturn wishes you to put it on loudspeaker on your cell phone to annoy the maximum number of people

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 - 10:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily humorscope


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

-------------------------------------------



If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
Maya Angelou

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Giraffes are one of natures most bizarre creatures. Whilst this may seem like a "fact" out of the blue, you'll soon see the relevance over the coming fortnight.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Many of your feelings can be expressed in the form of haikus. However, you'll be lucky if you can find anyone who gives a flying hoot, or who actually finds them impressive in any way.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Any advice given to you today will seem like poppycock, and it probably is. Raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old man who runs the hairdressers down the road, is not.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in
a loud stern tone.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining
Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering
about.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Paris Hilton will "pop round" today for a chat and a biscuit, either in spirit or in person. Incidentally, a small chihuahua will weedle itself into your garden and p00p all over your favourite plants. At this point, it is recommended that you setup webcams all over your house so that you can publish all incidents to a website and earn billions of dollars.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A favorite raincoat will provide moments of solace this month in ways too numerous to detail here.

This month your destiny wears the frock of a highly motivated goat impersonator.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Like your life, peanuts can be dried, roasted, blanched and put inside little potato coatings.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 - 10:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Wednesday, July 30, 2008



How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
Anne Frank (1929 - 1945), Diary of a Young Girl, 1952

--------------------------

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Something you have at one time dreamed for, a thing possibly containing the letter e in the word but a u is also possible, is set to come true even if only for the shortest moment this month. Enjoy. You deserve it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A toy tiger or lion is set to make this month zing with jungle based uncertainty especially if wearing a loin cloth or leopard style underwear

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be asked by a Broadway director to play the lead in Fiddler on the Roof due, solely, to your bushy beard. You will accept the role, rehearse well, but at the last minute you will decide not to turn up.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Jupiter is about to eclipse a moon this month which may enhance your desires for Lycra, silk or wool on your body.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A street urchin will improbably give you his loose change - beware, this could be a prank TV stunt - do not give your consent to them using the videoed evidence - however enjoy the copious amount of alcoholic beverage (including nuts) they offer in the negotiations...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A baby's cries will apparently tell you the winner in a horse race later this month. Gamble a small amount and reinvest the winnings in a coffee with no froth from Starbucks.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Avoid bare footed cart wheels and hoola-hooping.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Cute Koala Bears will brighten your life, either the live, stuffed, or cartoon variety. Ensure that you take a bottle of milk with you in any journey over 6 miles.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight". You should be ashamed of yourself.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Berets and polo necked shirts are both poorly and well starred depending on which chart we use.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 - 10:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Gotta dust this OFF!!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 - 10:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your favourite romantic film is on this evening and you should try and persuade someone you've not previously had the courage to talk to to watch it too. Then, mid-way through the movie, phone that person. You'll be amazed at the results.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today is not your lucky day. It's tomorrow instead! So that's something to look forward to whilst your picking up your teeth with your broken arm. Your funny bone may have disappeared momentarily. However, it may turn up where you least expect it.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization." Time to go on a diet!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Angst day, today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, September 11, 2008 - 6:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Thursday, September 11, 2008(Nancy is 50 today~)
----------------


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

England is also well starred in other spheres of your life throughout the week as Neptune discovers the joys and confusing mystery of umbrella

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Your destiny wears the red shoes and ball gown of a Hollywood star from a glossy motion picture...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Complex cloud formations in the sky are set to make today zing with intrigue. This when coupled with a newly discovered penchant for eating meringue and Crème fraîche under big fluffy clouds will delightfully align the great outdoors with high cuisine deserts in a rare concurrence you have the moon and Jupiter to thank.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

you will be drawn to horses in all of their forms. This includes finding out what the difference is (if any) between the horsey terms: 'cantering', 'paddocks', 'galloping', 'How many hands high?', 'Whooee!', 'NeeYYYyyy' and 'standing still'.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The medical degrees you claim you possess were not worth the 70 euros you paid for them through PayPal.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This month you will use the term 'most agreeable' for the first and last time in your life in a strange James Bond type situation in which the saying of this magic two-word term will serve as a password to instant gratification on many levels’

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A contract for a software product that you blasély ticked 'agree' to in 1994 but didn't read thoroughly is set to come back to haunt you this month. Try to settle the litigation for under $5000 and you will be a winner

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, September 12, 2008 - 4:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope


Friday, September 12, 2008

"I think all this talk about age is foolish. Every time I'm one year older, everyone else is too."
Gloria Swanson
---------------------------------------------------------------



Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately,the rightful owner called lucky charms will claim it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to act extremely childish.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you’ve been staring at the damn thing upside-down.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear pink or purple or blue clothing.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus
downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered
women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing
packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke
in plastic glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You’ll draw a line in the sand, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno
pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to
you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to
engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine
who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. }

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, September 19, 2008 - 5:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope


Friday, September 19, 2008



There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun.
[info][add][mail]
Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973)
-------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Save all nut husks to make jewelry with a young person in a moment of creative endeavor on the 20th.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Mars and Neptune are being deliberately vague about whether wearing your underpants inside out will help. Typical.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Never underestimate the power of persuasion this month, especially when involved with medium sized pets.

Your destiny wears the ears of an elephant.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Eat only organic fruit and vegetables for a second month (sorry we forgot to mention this last month). Take up origami;

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can this Virgoan borrow 10 bucks?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A kindly soul will provide a reason for a holiday , however try not to indulge in binge drinking which could lead to a case of mistaken identity when wearing fake plastic breasts.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That's when you'll have to be a bit creative, if you don't want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say "I don't know - I don't really spend that much time on the porch."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.

}

Grumpy
Member

02-08-2004

Saturday, September 20, 2008 - 12:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Grumpy a private message Print Post    
Virgo:

I dont suppose birthday cake fits in this category, does it?

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, September 20, 2008 - 1:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Your Funny Horoscope for sat, 20th Sep 2008

----------------------------------------------------
The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.
William James

--------------------------------------------------------------


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Mercury has decided to up the ante in its attempt to tease all Aries onto the 'astral plane of creativity'. You will be blessed with the highest form of crossword solving powers, and word search puzzles will be a breeze.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The colour chartreuse will give you cause for resentment today. You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Long walks in the great outdoors are well starred, however weather patterns will be particularly unpredictable after the 20th. Take an umbrella even if you live in a part of the world that doesn't have rain.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Paper folding and paper cutting will come into your life unexpectedly this month. Unbeknownst to you, but beknownst to folding experts, you will perform a very rare fold that Monks in Tibet believe to be evil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Animated movies, especially Looney Tunes or early Donald Ducks, will provide moments of mirth around the 21st. After watching these you will feel strangely drawn to the outdoors life and especially the woods. Either you are easily suggestible, or you are turning into Elmar Fudd.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

There are lots of ideas screaming to be let out of your head. Let them free, and they'll scream in other people's heads too!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The planets all favor drinks of a highly colored nature - favor bright mauve or yellow drinks with blue (not purple) umbrellas.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This month your lucky fruit may be a raspberry, your chart is not clear - it could easily be a woolen hat.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Using your new found office administration skills, use standard managerial techniques to combat your personal problems. Refuse to deal with any of life's problems until you have completed a 150+ page report on their viability. Stick to this plan for the next 26 months, or until management changes.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, September 20, 2008 - 1:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
since I'm a Virgo sure it does

Grumpy
Member

02-08-2004

Saturday, September 20, 2008 - 7:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Grumpy a private message Print Post    
I'm with you NANCY!!!


I love Donald Duck!!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, October 03, 2008 - 10:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, October 03, 2008

When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy.
Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974)

-------------------------

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich is your lucky word for today and is likely to be involved in some sort of belly-filling incident

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You may become a danger to yourself this week, especially if you plan to surgically implant spikes on the ends of your fingers.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."

Libra (September 23 - October 22)


You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits. What do you do?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Wake up, wash your face, change your pants. Life needs a good "start" routine, make this YOURS

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Catch-22 is better in at least 2 ways than Catch-20. Don't be caught in the Catch-20 loop - you're unlikely to ever see your family again

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You need to get more exercise, but can't tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, October 04, 2008 - 3:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope


Saturday, October 04, 2008


If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'.
- Dave Barry

-----------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

t's marvellous. No, really, it is absolutely marvellous. You'll see. Shouting "30 milligrams, STAT!" in a crowded place is probably not going to win you any friends today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your words are, to some, like finger-nails scratching a black-board. Tantalising new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Deft swift strokes of the hand when writing may be the turn-on that a work-chum needs to show their true feelings for you. However, that love may vanish when they realise that the letter is a final written warning and a suggestion that they clear out their desks before security arrive.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The screaming of multiplication tables during love-making may help you temper yourself but is also likely to alienate your partner who will assume that your heart really isn't in it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Presenting yourself with home-made cardboard awards is probably not the sanest way to go about giving yourself a morale boost. There are lots of ideas screaming to be let out of your head. Let them free, and they'll scream in other people's heads too!

Gemma120in2002
Member

07-05-2003

Saturday, October 11, 2008 - 8:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Gemma120in2002 a private message Print Post    
Saw that we needed another entry!
Saturday, October 11, 2008

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!

Nancy
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08-01-2000

Saturday, October 11, 2008 - 12:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
thanks gemma i've been a little behind lately :-)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, October 17, 2008 - 5:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope



Friday, October 17, 2008
}

A healthful hunger for a great idea is the beauty and blessedness of life. Jean Ingelow (1820-1897) English novelist
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Liven up your day by putting party balloons all around your desk. Tell everyone its your "happy no-birthday' day today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Christmas may seem like it's just around the corner, but really that's just nonsense. We having a saying here in Texas: "Kill a man and he's dead. Teach a man to fight and he can kill...stuff" Shame on me. Shame on you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In the land that time forgot, everyone had a hard time. Any beer consumed tonight may come back to haunt you, possibly in the form of a dead comedian or Max Bygraves.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Combovers will suddenly attract you this week as you attempt to get a hospital appointment for an eye problem

Libra (September 23 - October 22)


Your legs look nice today. Show them off in some kind of very short skirt that nearly shows your organy-bits. Yes Dave,I'm talking to you!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of overwhelming satisfaction. Waiting for important email will take precedent over waiting for junk mail for the first time today. Although you will still be interested when you get an email declaring "George Bush falling over!!1".

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, October 18, 2008 - 1:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Saturday, October 18, 2008

------------------------------------------

He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper. "Edmund Burke (1729-1797) English statesman, orator"
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)


Avoid serious questions wherever possible today and TIE YOUR SHOES DAMMIT! Eggs, flour, milk, potatoes, sage and onion stuffing - these are all the ingredients you need for a happy marriage and a pleasant evening.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You'll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you amazing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. Life throws us all crazy things now and then. Like swords made of
mufflers. And dogs on skateboards.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it's still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, October 20, 2008 - 4:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope
Monday, October 20, 2008



What the world needs is not advice but examples. Any fool can talk.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)


You will consider that it sounds strange that more than one 'masseuse' is called 'masseuses', preferring your own made up term 'massusi'


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A tall man with thick glasses, wearing a stained raincoat, with a whiny voice and hair on the back of his hands, is about to enter into your reality around sunset. Welcome him / don't welcome him into your life it's up to you, but Jupiter quite likes the cut of his jib.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

When out for a walk you will be startled by approaching headlights and inadvertently invent a new modelling pose that is set to revolutionise modelling in these post apocalyptic financial times. Get some pictures taken as soon as possible and copyright them before someone in the industry capitalises on your discovery.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Beware an overly enthusiastically licky dog from the 21st of the month up until the rooster crows on the 27th. If you don't have a Rooster that crows in your neighbourhood then estimate when this would be, probably around an hour before day break.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive". You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Flipping a small chocolate off your nose and then catching it in your mouth and eating it is about to set you in the good graces of a young child, or possibly a new career in the circus.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks".

}}}}}

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, October 24, 2008 - 4:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, October 24, 2008



"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there."
John Wooden

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?


Libra (September 23 - October 22)


As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

While attending a sance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) }
You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour". The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, October 30, 2008 - 5:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the humorscope 10/30/2008
====================

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon." My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. But you know that what really rules is "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will inspire a nationwide dance craze this week when a routine roadside tire-change results in your accidental invention of the Texas Barbed-Wire Howdy.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It's a pity that you don't like Cole slaw.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

After an exciting trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, you'll come up with a secret plan that will occupy you for many years to come. Yes - your very own Hole.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, October 31, 2008 - 5:36 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the humorscope 10/31/2008


Life is not a relay race; we don't have the same starting point nor do we finish at the same time. Just because someone else got there before you doesn't mean you are late."

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Replacing all your hair with cream soda will cause all your friends to turn into mutant cucumbers with inflatable baseball bats for arms.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A creative streak may inspire you to destroy 13 of your favourite pencils, but this is nothing to be worried about if you have already painted yourself orange and slapped your Dad with a rubber glove.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to sweetcorn. Going "wild" does not necessarily mean that you have to remove all your clothing. Your tendancies may land you in trouble today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A quiet period approaches where you will get the urge to morph into an acorn and dance like a cat.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Raisins will help improve your eyesight but don't listen to everything your dog tells you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Confucius says: "Men and women are like bears and squirrels. Just don’t confuse them when you’ve had a few beers and are desperate in a bar, or you may wake up next to someone pretty furry." What? Don’t look at me! Confucius said it!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

People want to agree with you for no reason. Make up something ridiculous like your penny has a picture of Sylvester Stallone today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

No, you can’t put a feather in your cap and be Macaroni.