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Archive through December 18, 2008

Reality TVClubHouse Discussions: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2008 - Dec. 2008: Humorscopes : Archive through December 18, 2008 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, November 03, 2008 - 5:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope


Freedom means freedom from forces and circumstances which would turn man into a thing, which would impose on man the passivity and predictability of matter. By this test, absolute power is the manifestation most inimical to human uniqueness. Absolute power wants to turn people into malleable clay.

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Monday, November 03, 2008

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Potato salesmen may call today and leave you a spud on your doorstep. Taking a bit-part in a local theatre production may help you get out and start living a lie. Time is on your side, feel free to mix-it-up a little.

Gemini (May 21 - June

Dancing around like a fairy is a great way to lose weight and strengthen those legs. You are a complete fraud - the sooner you accept it, the better.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The SQL Database you are trying to access is flummoxed. Are you sure you want to know your future?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)


In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Your spine is going to feel a tingling sensation later this day and you're not going to be able to attribute it to anything specific. In a world full of people like yourself, who cares if you want to behave like an orangutan?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass". One must have standards, after all.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


Cold winds encircle your future. Please remember today that most of your god-like powers have been taken from you in order to make you a better demi-god.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, November 04, 2008 - 1:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, November 04, 2008


To decide, to be at the level of choice, is to take responsibility for your life and to be in control of your life.
-- Abbie M. Dale
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you keep repeating it, it might come true. Express yourself in a non-flamboyant and unexciting way. Buy a nice brooch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The future holds great things for you. It's just that whenever you get close, the future snatches them behind its back and shouts "Na-na-na-nana."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It's marvellous. No, really, it is absolutely marvellous. You'll see.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

When walking down the street, trying not to step on the cracks in the stone, you must take care to avoid all steaming piles. Beware of people offering free screensavers

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Whilst this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time today. Oh yes she is. A very nice time. And a good time will be had by all, possibly. Especially if your name is Margaret. Or Marge. Or Maggie. Or Mildred. Or Lucy. Or Jeff. Or Dave. OK, I'll admit the stars are a bit vague on this point, but basically if your name starts with a letter from the Roman alphabet then you're pretty much assured of happiness.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

It's never too late to do that thing you always wanted to do. You know - the THING. The thing? You know. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming fortnight, so prepare for wealth, health and happiness, you lucky dog.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 - 5:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
Rita Mae Brown
===============================================================

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Sagittaurius.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, November 07, 2008 - 4:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, November 07, 2008



Cease to ask what the morrow will bring forth. And set down as gain each day that Fortune grants.
Horace (65 BC - 8 BC), Odes

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)


You will, unbeknownst to you, improbably help to develop a new mixed martial arts move when out food shopping. Tomatoes will from thence forth have an edgy, pleasingly violent, quality and may introduce you to the wonder that is (karate chopped) tomato soup.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Singing, dancing and backward somersaults landing on your feet with the look of "Hey what did you expect, I'm a cool dude" will pepper this month like none before.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

How you interpret the above statement is up to you but Mars and Saturn both suggest a pleasingly luxurious hotel break at the end of which you should ensure you keep the dressing coat and slippers provided for your use in the room.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your package will arrive today, delivered by an expected person. The randomness of the universe may affect you ood day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Be playful at heart and you'll reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Catch-22 is better in at least 2 ways than Catch-20. Don't be caught in the Catch-20 loop - you're unlikely to ever see your family again. This horoscope may destruct in 10 seconds.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A new hobby is about to enter your life to fill the coming frequent lulls. Saturn sees wood, metal and possibly plastic.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A misunderstanding involving a fish, a small yappy type dog and an ostrich is set to make this month zing with reappraised Discovery Channel type learning. Jupiter applauds from afar.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Knowing your hand span may become useful over the coming days, although the mystics will not give me any information as to how or why. Just because people laugh at you doesn't make you a comedian

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Giraffes are one of natures most bizarre creatures. Whilst this may seem like a "fact" out of the blue, you'll soon see the relevance over the coming fortnight.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 - 6:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Motivation is everything. You can do the work of two people, but you can't be two people. Instead, you have to inspire the next guy down the line and get him to inspire his people. "
E

-Lee Iacocca
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This week, Microsoft Word may define your grammar as "poorly constructed" and full of "run on sentences". A picture frame will feature highly in your day today and will probably make you feel like you'd never gotten out of bed. Indeed, you'll probably end up going back to bed as soon as today's mishaps have had done with you.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)


Gibberish may possibly occur to you at some point during the next 12 days as you attempt to do something new, or possibly old.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Prognostication is not a good word when you are guessing the colour of a lady's real hair colour. When opening the door for a stranger, take care to notice any loose change that they may drop so that you can slam the door in their face, grab the money, and then run for dear life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

The Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend's money does not exist. Peaches and cream are a cheap and enjoyable dessert menu for any supper guests.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You must relax more, take long walks and fill the bath up really full so that you can soak those weary limbs. Whilst we are not all superhuman, some of us are at least able to go to sleep without having to run to the batphone.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You'll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:43 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope
Wednesday, November 12, 2008




You can call it the 'Perfect Moment' when the universe aligns and the music in your head actually matches the music outside and all is well.
Hugh Elliott,
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Every time you tap a key on your keyboard, you are secretly filling in a membership form to a random society. Each week henceforth you will receive a newsletter from said society, explaining your duties and sign-up fees.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You think you're so advanced, but when was the last time monkeys had to worry about their finances? Your lucky horse for today is: Sombrero's Lid.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old man who runs the hairdressers down the road, is not. Three is the magic number, but you may find that one is sufficient for you today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

To avoid embarrassment, please avoid wearing underwear on incorrect areas of the body. Your itchy nose will soon be gone after you suffer a week of agonising hell locked in a pepper cupboard with a strait-jacket.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You have a personality that makes people smile, and that is worth exploiting today in any way you see fit. Your ideas are plentiful, but are your plenties ideaful?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A flurry of exclamation marks will come back to haunt you later this month as an email comes true. Ensure your blood stays within your system today by not venturing further than your refridgerator.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Potato salesmen may call today and leave you a spud on your doorstep. Although you may feel justified in doing what you do, do not chuck it at your mother-in-law.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, November 13, 2008 - 5:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope
Thursday, November 13, 2008



Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life's problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing. With only some discipline we can solve only some problems. With total discipline we can solve all problems.
Author: M. Scott Peck



--------------------------------

Aries (March 21 - April 19)


Do not be lulled into complacency this week: That strange man is still around. There he is! There! There!


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)\

You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels".

agittarius (November 22 - December 21)

After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, November 14, 2008 - 1:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope

Friday, November 14, 2008

When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from it, and don't repeat it.
Paul "Bear" Bryant
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)


Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The authorities realize that you are responsible for his broken legs and the cigarette burns on his arms, but they are powerless to take protective custody of Couchy, your favorite old couch.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, November 17, 2008 - 4:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The daily humorscope
Monday, November 17, 2008

If I had to select one quality, one personal characteristic that I regard as being most highly correlated with success, whatever the field, I would pick the trait of persistence. Determination. The will to endure to the end, to get knocked down seventy times and get up off the floor saying, ''Here comes number seventy-one!''

Richard M. DeVos
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Mauve is your favored color, especially when seen in a cape.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware red, orange and yellow cars, but embrace blue cars in all of their forms. In-auto air fresheners, especially alpine ones, are particularly well starred until the 19th after which problems may occur.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Hat buying could serve you well today as a potential relationship sparks up in a hat shop. Specifically, you'll be looking at hats. Your potential partner may be looking at gloves. You may discuss why a hat shop sells gloves

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

The vegetables in your fridge are preparing to dance and play the fiddle as soon as they see you reach for the milk. Find a warm trumpet and sell it to dancing fish cakes.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You are tired and need a serious time-out. It might be a good idea to suspend your eyeballs from a girder and invite people to stroke them with feathers. Don't let your Mother shave your head with a banana!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

There's no harm in taking the day off. Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains or becomes slightly colder than usual. Or if you happen to be caught out whilst parading naked around your local shopping centre.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You have a tendency to discount the importantance of hot towels and fighting antelopes. Do yourself a favour - try not to rip through your friends underpants whislt riding a motorcycle.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 - 4:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, November 18, 2008



In the end, we decide if we're remembered for what happened to us or for what we did with it.

Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You should have turned left at that intersection, just like your wife said. Now you will never hear the end of it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey’s idea.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to get a hot-glue gun and a bunch of plastic fruit. Then you can make yourself some of those "Carmen Miranda Shoes" you've
been wanting.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will become an artist of Reddi-Wip and strawberry puree today. Your canvas, however will make it slightly difficult for you to concentrate on what you're doing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A trusted friend may give you sage advice. Ask her nicely, and she'll also point you to the freshest basil, thyme, and oregano.

Lucky color: Strawberry blonde

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)


Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)


This may be a good time to sail to the island of Reunion (about 450 miles east of Madagascar) and grow bananas. Or maybe not. The thing
is, you'll never know unless you try, right?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your vaccuum cleaner will suffer more damage, today. This time, it will be savagely attacked by a walrus. This won't really surprise you,
of course, since you've known for some time that nature abhors a vaccuum.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will accidentally overhear scientists telling each other jokes. Surprisingly, the one that starts "So, a bilaterally symmetrical eumetazoan walks into a bar" will be really funny. (I won't spoil it for you here.)}}}}

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 - 5:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Change is inevitable. Whether to accept the change or not is a personal decision. This decision can be yours and only yours. But, whatever you decide, change is inevitable."
---------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Destiny is calling you. Unfortunately destiny is blind as a mule with no head and is unlikely to have found anything decent for you. In fact, chances are destiny is trying to set you up with a mule with no head.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

The long and winding road will not necessarily lead you to Paul McCartney. Which really should be a good thing, other than the fact that the man's got millions and could make you into an international superstar

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The gongoozlers at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes. Your mother is proud of you. You are overworked and underpaid. Man, I'm good at this horoscope lark, aren't I?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Old cartoons may hold a fascination for you today as you try to recreate a classic 'acme' gag. Jamborees often spell the end of the tight-rope that you often climb when in need of comfort from certain danger.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You have recently received some equipment for which there was a manual. Please give this manual a quick read so as to avoid problems later. Christmas may seem like it's just around the corner, but really that's just nonsense.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Unfortunately for you, the way forward can sometimes be the way backwards this week. This may become a particularly apparent problem whilst travelling along a busy motorway.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, November 20, 2008 - 6:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

the daily humorscope
Thursday, November 20, 2008

To accomplish great things we must first dream, then visualize, then plan... believe... act!


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Cartoon fun can be yours if you pick up the right set of pencils and think really hard about drawing. You have cleverly structured an impressive set piece in your head.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Compact Discs are very shiny, but using them to attract seagulls in order to bludgeon them to death with your shoe is neither good manners nor entirely legal.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.)

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The Forest God will bestow upon you the gift of talking to all the beasts of the field and birds of the air, but until you decide to shape up you'll still be a lousy listener

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, November 21, 2008 - 5:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Friday, November 21, 2008




“Knowledge is the process of piling up facts; wisdom lies in their simplification.” Martin Fischer
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Electrical things will cause a problem for you today. Other people are not as crazy as you make them out to be.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your ability to speak may be impaired today as you attempt to swallow half of a live hedgehog. It may become apparent today that you are gradually becoming what you always hated. Phone your father and tell him.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Business clothes are not suitable for the swimming baths. Please take your extraordinary ideas about personal freedom elsewhere. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming fortnight, so prepare for wealth, health and happiness, you lucky dog

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Sandwich is your lucky word for today and is likely to be involved in some sort of belly-filling incident. Speeling mestakes are'nt god

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your favourite sources of protein may dry up later tomorrow, so remember to eat lots of eggs RIGHT NOW! All the ideas you've ever had will be totally blown out of the water today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver, but actually are making your behaviour quite erratic. There's no harm in taking the day off.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Sweet, sticky, orange stuff. Possibly marmalade or an orange lolly. We're not quite sure what it is, or what it has to do with you today...but it definitely features. If you don't like orange - don't panic! It might taste like something completely different, like sausages. Or beans. Yes, it could be beans.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Wearing gloves may make you feel like you're a master criminal, but you may be best to avoid wearing gloves with your name emblazened on the palm.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Weather can change in an instant, so be prepared for every eventuality today. Even and especially if that means dressing up in 3 different types of clothing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The size of your shoes indicates that you are unlikely to fall over in a mild earthquake

Nancy
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08-01-2000

Monday, November 24, 2008 - 1:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The daily humorscope
Monday, November 24, 2008

The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others.
Solomon Ibn Gabriol
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

All the things you're unsure of will almost certainly remain enigmatic by the end of the day. You are now as you will be for the rest of your life. Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Ten to one may seem like fair odds, but then how likely are you to be able to successfully breed Pandas with Llamas (a Panama). This week will leave no stone unturned, in a metaphorical way...that you have to decipher

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Dressing as a feline may give others cause for concern today. Testing your ability to walk on water should be done at the beach, not in the middle of the atlantic.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A nearby construction company may approach you this morning in an attempt to fool you into thinking that the world is about to explode. Apocalyptic dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're crazy

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of Doug.Hats have always looked good on you. Yes, today is definitely a hat day. Go hat!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The phenomenon of time standing still may occur to you numerous times today. Although you never really felt like you made a difference yesterday, your kind words and understanding made the world spin 0.0001% faster for approximately 3 nano-seconds.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Kindling is always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2x4 plank. Try to avoid challenging yourself today. You may find that you are ready for a fall.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A lot of people still do "spring cleaning", but only a few families have preserved the tradition of "fall dirtying". Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you'll get to have some fun.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, November 28, 2008 - 1:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


"Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait too late." -- Bill Withers
}}


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Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You can avoid a lot of unnecessary paperwork by dressing up as a silkworm and changing your name to "Sneaky Lara".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your Uncle has boiled his foot in lime juice and is now seeking revenge after you replaced his arms with pineapples during his sleep. Protect yourself by rubbing plenty of tangerines all over your forehead.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You've heard the expression, "Its better to give your friends lots of marshmallows instead of foaming soap granules". Well the same goes for your collection of jellyfish.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A quiet period approaches where you will get the urge to morph into an acorn and dance like a cat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Replacing all your hair with cream soda will cause all your friends to turn into mutant cucumbers with inflatable baseball bats for arms. This is not a good path to take at the moment considering the fact that you have alien technology disguised as a third nostril.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, December 02, 2008 - 3:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope 12/2/2008


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The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.

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Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they’ll be making a ton of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it’s been several hours since they last fed you.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it’s a Purdue delivery truck accident not Christmas you should prepare for.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.

Leo July 23 - August 22

The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you’ve forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.

Libra September 23 - October 23

You’ll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.


Scorpio October 24 - November 21

The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

New and exciting experiences help to color one’s life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you’ll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.

Nancy
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08-01-2000

Friday, December 05, 2008 - 12:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    

Daily Humorscope 12/5/08

Anais Nin:

Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

"Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Yes, that bouncy tune with a catchy lyric and beat you have stuck in your head is driving you and those around you clinically mad. This is a madness that will creep up on those around you and will ultimately lead to exhibitionistic dancing in a shopping mall or down your street if Neptune has anything to do with it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches. }

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, December 08, 2008 - 9:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Daily Humorscope 12/8/08


"Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do."

-Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ****** * * * * * *
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone named "Dave" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Avoid yodelling today.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 - 4:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Daily Humorscope 12/10/08

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22
They won't let you drive the actual Wienermobile, but driving your own vehicle made out of commercially available hot dogs is not a viable alternative.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their darn money.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
When all is said and done, you'll have proven that a tone-deaf man with a banjo and no need to sleep can make a difference in his community.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21

Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You have a tendency to discount the importantance of hot towels and fighting antelopes. Do yourself a favour - try not to rip through your friends underpants whislt riding a motorcycle.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, December 11, 2008 - 10:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Daily Humorscope 12/11/2008

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"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, December 12, 2008 - 12:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope 12/12/08

Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. -- Mark Twain



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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes". Or, in this case, wheezes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, December 13, 2008 - 1:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Daily Humorscope 12/13/08

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who
gets it. Avoid them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.
{Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)


Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)


Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!


Libra (September 22 - October 22)


Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch".


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)


Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)


Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) }}

Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, December 15, 2008 - 3:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Humorscope Monday 12/15/2008


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"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -- Dave Barry
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 - 3:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
>^,,^< Humorscope 12/16/2008

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How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
George Washington Carver
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "-face."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action..

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, December 18, 2008 - 4:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
the daily humorscope
Thursday, December 18, 2008

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

Sam Ewing

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your sudden fascination with podiatry is nothing to worry about, and should fade with time. Eventually, the only remaining evidence will be your usual telephone greeting: "Hello, how are your feet?"