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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 9:04 am
Kaili, you never do anyone a favor by being their doormat. The *kindest* thing to do is to set some clear boundaries about what you can and can't do. This is especially important for someone who has a mental health issue. Structure really helps. So, if you can, just set a clear schedule. I can talk to you once a day at such and such a time. This week I will be able to visit on Tuesday and Thursday at this time. Reinforce it by Email if she is computer literate. I know you feel badly about this child, and I don't blame you. But letting her rely on you does not help the situation - where firm and clear structure is kind and helpful because she needs structure. You are a very kind person, just do what you can do without stressing yourself. If you want to be friends with someone who has a mental illness, you have to recognize that they have certain limitations and accept them - without feeling guilty about setting your own limits. You have to realize and be able to accept that she will be irrational at times, and be able to let that go, just restating kindly your boundaries and if you can, your regrets that you cannot be there for her at a particular time. If it would be less stressful to break off the relationship by all means do that also. Just figure out what you can comfortably do and let that be your guide.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 9:07 am
By the way, I am very close friends with a gentleman in my area that is bipolar. He was undiagnosed when I met him, and we've certainly had our ups and downs. But over time, with the right medications and professional help he has become quite an amazing man and a good friend. While at times the relationship was very trying, I am glad I hung in there; and can now share in his joy at his accomplishments. He even is leading the local bipolar support group, after having been a participating member for many years. But it really does 'take a village' to support someone with this kind of illness. He did hook up with a church, and many kind people. One couple even let him live in their basement while he was reorganizing his life. And of course the professional help and support group were really key in helping him understand his illness and modify his own behavior accordingly.
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Rosie
Member
11-12-2003
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 9:09 am
Oh, Karunna, a bipolar support group would be excellent.
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Kitt
Member
09-06-2000
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 9:40 am
I just deleted my post because Karuuna says it so much better than I can! Schedule. Say you have something to do today but that you'd love to pop around for an hour tomorrow morning. When she asks if she can join you for whatever you're doing today say that's kind of her to offer, but you just have a lot of little things that you need to catch up on, but tomorrow you'll be free. When you leave on Tuesday arrange a time for the day after the next day. As you've been spending so much time with her, spending another couple of weeks to get to a more reasonable schedule with her will be worth it in the end. Also if she can't drive, is there somewhere she likes to go where she could easily get there on public transport? If so you could meet her at her house one day, say you didn't feel like driving, let's get the bus to the mall (or wherever), just so she knows that's a possibility to get outside her home if you're not there. It sounds like she might be getting a bit stir-crazy all alone in her house. That's not your responsibility but you might be able to open her eyes to a few options for her to get out without needing your car.
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 10:01 am
Operating under the thought you are a caring person who is concerned about hurting her feelings......If she's bipolar, I would assume/hope she has a therapist? If its not stepping over boundaries, and you know the therapist's name, I wonder if you could ask him/her for advice (as long as you approach it so the therapist doesn't think you want him/her to tell your friend to back off). I would hope the therapist has spent enough time to know her and know how she might respond to various tactics of getting her to back off. I know that's a pretty extreme solution. But if your goal is to get her to back off with minimal hurt feelings, it may be the only way. The only apparent alternative is to flat out tell her to back the heck off. She may go away forever, or just go away for a while to lick her wounds, and then hopefully come back to a much more subdued relationship.
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Rissa
Member
03-20-2006
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 10:04 am
I like Kitt's idea about planning ahead and would even build in a vacation for you first!!. Tell her that btn planning the wedding and working and everything you are burning out and BEFORE that happens you are going to take a staycation as much as is possible. Tell her you aren't going to visit or host family/friends, going to unplug TVs and won't even answer your phone for two weeks. After that... you make a date before she can and make it a few days ahead. IE call her on a Monday morning (really early LOL) and tell her you are so busy but want to make sure to schedule her in, how about Thursday. That's if you WANT to continue any sort of contact, otherwise just continue to blow her off and don't feel guilty. Good luck, can't imagine how stressfull it must be!
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 11:11 am
Kaili, I don't envy you your dilema. These kind of 'friendships' can be very draining and soul-sucking. Years ago I had a friend like that, (she told me I was her only friend other than her husband and his parents who lived with them) and she demanded almost all of my free time, both on the phone and in person. I did try to talk to her about it, but she just took it personally as rejection rather than as well-meaning, constructive advice about appropriate behaviour. She couldn't or wouldn't understand that I had my own life, and took offence if I spent time with other friends, etc. For my own sanity, I had to drop her. Trying not to hurt her feelings, I politely just kept telling her I was busy, until she finally got the message.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 7:44 pm
((((Kaili)))) just cuz everyone here has given good ideas.
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Texasdeb
Member
05-23-2003
| Monday, September 15, 2008 - 8:07 pm
(((Kaili))) quite frankly, "you are being used". Dump her - don't return her calls call children's services (you don't have to give them your name)
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 5:20 am
Thanks everyone I called her on my way to work yesterday and she didn't answer. I know this is terrible, but I absolutely believe she was not answering as "revenge" for me not answering the phone since Thursday- because she also hasn't called back. I could be wrong, but she doesn't have a car and so would very likely be home. Whatever. I left a message and just said "sorry I haven't called you back- I've been really busy lately. Hope everything's good- talk to you later". If she calls today, I'm going to pretend I'm working again, then I will call her around 3:30 and ask if she wants me to come over, but I have to work early tonight so I'd only have about 30 minutes to stop by (that part is true- I am going in early). Her place is pretty much on my way to work so that's not a big deal anyway. Or should I just leave it up to her to ask me over? I can't just altogether stop answering any and all calls from her- I've known her for 15 years and I really do like her. She is a good friend in a lot of ways- she just wants me around too much and she relies on me too much and overall expects too much without giving a lot in return. She won't join a support group- I know that. I don't think she's really severely bipolar, honestly, I think she leans more toward depression. I'm not sure I've ever seen her truly "manic-y" unless her manic stage is pretty subdued. Seems more like she is either fine and normal, otherwise depressed (in which case she takes drugs for it and slurs and acts slow and weird and hard to describe). Well, if you consider fine and normal calling me 10 times in a day....
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 6:00 am
Kaili, You may think twice about trying to run right over there. I would take this time (that she is giving you) to knock it back a few notches. I would back off for at least a week and maybe "wean" her from you. I would not make a total break or anything like that, but scale back your availability and limit your contact to the phone for a week or so. Good luck whatever you end up doing!
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 6:19 am
Oh...nevermind...the first call just came. 8:36 am. 
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 7:01 am
Second call...9:19 am
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 7:30 am
Is anyone else worried about this baby that's involved? Slurring, acting slow and weird, afraid she'll drop the baby?!?
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 7:41 am
I don't know... her husband is half Native American and she sometimes mentions how she isn't sure if she wants to let the baby get a tribal card because if she and her husband get divorced, then the tribal courts would be involved and she's worried about custody- esp. because of her medical issues. She loves the kid, and she does take good care of him- I know she told me one time she was having an anxiety episode and had to ask her neighbor to watch him for awhile because she couldn't handle things so she's responsible enough for that. It's funny because she says she doesn't understand how anyone with a baby can drink at all because, if she drank, she'd be worried about being able t take care of him properly. I don't know if she realizes that her meds probably have the same if not more of an effect on her. BTW- one message on Facebook too now asking if I'm working. (If I was, I wouldn't be able to answer anyway!)
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 7:47 am
It's funny because she says she doesn't understand how anyone with a baby can drink at all because, if she drank, she'd be worried about being able t take care of him properly. Well that's a relief. I feel the same way and never have drank around my children, and now I don't drink at all.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 8:04 am
I am seeing some red flags here; she has given serious thought about divorce scenerios, there have been times she has not been able to handle things to the extent she got a neighbor involved... (What if there were no neighbor home? Would she feel comfortable enough to call her dh if the neighbor was not home??) Does she have family? Parents or siblings that you could talk to? Sounds like she needs some help and backup besides you.
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Serate
Member
08-21-2001
| Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 1:07 pm
Chewing gum should be OUTLAWED!!! And those that throw it down on the ground for others to step on should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of MY law! I hate the smell of it, I hate the sound of people chomping it, I hate the sound of people smacking it, I hate the sound of people popping it, I hate seeing people play with it, I hate to see people blowing bubbles. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT!
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Dfennessey
Member
07-25-2004
| Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 1:17 pm
Serete I agree with the part of people throwing it on the ground. My neighbor does that and may I remind you he is 77 years old HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER.
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 1:19 pm
I completely agree in every way, Serate. Hate it! But I have to say that I hate popcorn worse, sorry. 
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 1:24 pm

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Twinkie
Member
09-24-2002
| Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 5:16 pm
For someone who quit smoking a year ago, I still rely on gum occasionally when I wish I had a cig. But I have never spit it out on the ground and I don't chomp it.
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Kimsue
Member
07-08-2005
| Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 5:51 pm
I work in retail and can not keep a water bottle with me so I often keep a small piece of gum in my mouth while working to keep from getting to dry. I never chomp or blow bubbles. I discreetly press it to the roof of my mouth when approached by a customer. As I am not really a store employee (I am a Merchandiser some people call me a Vendor)customers rarely approach me but if they do they would never know. I always dispose of my gum appropriatly in the trash. Sorry for your bad experiences Serete.
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Msbullwnkl
Member
08-16-2005
| Thursday, September 25, 2008 - 1:43 pm
Just wanted to give everyone an update. We are home from WDW. We had a blast. We tried to do the walking thing, didn't work. The next day, we rented a wheelchair, but my poor husband was beat after the day of pushing me around. So, for the rest of the trip we rented an ECV (electric wheelchair) so I could get around the parks. I kept all of my receipts to get reimbursed. Still have not heard from the restaurant about reimbursing me, so that is on my radar to take care of tomorrow. Guess I need to call a lawyer. 
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Thursday, September 25, 2008 - 3:05 pm
I have to admit that a scooter makes a world of difference to having to rely on somebody else to push the wheelchair or wheeling it yourself. I was in a wheelchair myself for a few days in August when I sprained my ankle while on a shore excursion on a cruise that made a stop in Iceland. I got tired of Bigdog being so reckless with the wheelchair, so I tried to wheel myself and could immediately feel that I was going to pull muscles in my chest if I kept that up. The ship apparently did not have any scooters left. I am glad you got one at WDW, MsB. It does make a world of difference, doesn't it? You are back in control in a scooter. I hope you continue to recover well.
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