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Archive through March 11, 2008

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Jan. 2008 ~ Mar. 2008: Free Expressions: Advice please....: Archive through March 11, 2008 users admin

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Neko
Member

08-03-2001

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 11:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Neko a private message Print Post    
Well, if you're 22-ish now(From your profile). And you were with your boyfriend for 4 years, and you were friends with benefits for 2 years sometime before that, that'd make you young when you were staring things up with the Italy guy.
I think that's why Escapee might have thought you two were doing stuff more recently, cause no one likes to automatically assume people are having sex early in life, even though they are. LOL

Just to clarify, this is absolutely no judgement on you. I'm just trying to explain (maybe) what I think Escapee meant with her comment.

Beckie03
Member

07-05-2007

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 11:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckie03 a private message Print Post    
Oh I understand, Neko. I lost my virginity at 16. At 17, is when we started having sex and a few months until I was almost 19 we stopped having sex. So yah...I just say 2 years, because it is so much easier to say them like 1 year and 8 months or whatever. I as soon I turned 19, well that April, I was with my boyfriend for four years.

He left to the Navy. He got married. Got a divorce. I hadn't talked to him since I was 19. I haven't heard from him in 4 years or so.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 12:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Sorry, my mistake. I thought you had sex with him two years ago but had been with your boyfriend for the last four. Again, sorry about that.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 12:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Beckie, It all comes down to doing what you think will be best for you.

Generally speaking, it is great to be able to look a long way down the road and make long-term decisions that are for the best. That kind of thinking may result in a decision to not go to Europe and to not get involved again with this guy.

But hey you are young. How many chances will you get to go have fun in Europe! So as long as you take the proper precautions (physically and emotionally) then I see no harm in it.

So those are the decisions you have to make. And believe me there are a lot of people in the world who would love to be faced with those kinds of decisions right now!

Skootz
Member

07-23-2003

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 1:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Skootz a private message Print Post    
ITA with what Jimmer said.

Save your money, get a passport and see what next year brings. If you decide you want to go then, awesome..you will have the funds to do that...and if not, you will have a nice little nest egg to do with what ever you please.

Pamy
Member

01-02-2002

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 7:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Pamy a private message Print Post    
If at 22 I could have gone to Europe and all ready had someone there I enjoyed screwing I would have gone in a heartbeat :-)

Beckie03
Member

07-05-2007

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 7:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckie03 a private message Print Post    
I think I will save up, get a passport, and just be ready until I make my complete decision. Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate so much!!

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 11:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
Hey!! Isn't Neko just 14? When did she start talking like an adult? What have I missed?

<spins head backwards>

Oh, these kids.



Twiggyish
Member

08-14-2000

Thursday, March 06, 2008 - 7:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twiggyish a private message Print Post    
Beckie, this guy obviously is capable of not being faithful to his girlfriends. I would be cautious with him. Yes, you had something to do with it, but he was the one in the relationship with Lisa.

You can decide whether or not to go to Italy. I'm sure you'd have fun. But, you could have a broken heart if he's not a commitment type of guy. You know your heart. Could you go and NOT get emotionally involved with him? Would he have the same feelings for you? I don't think this is necessarily about having sex with him. As I said, I think it's more of an emotional issue.

Prisonerno6
Member

08-31-2002

Thursday, March 06, 2008 - 8:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Prisonerno6 a private message Print Post    
How good friends are you? Have you spent time with him without the sexual relationship? What happens if you go to Italy, and things don't work out with him? Are you prepared to have to go it alone there? I echo Twiggy's comment about his treatment of his girlfriends. You may be emotionally mature enough to handle it, but would he kick you out of his living quarters in Italy if you don't have sex with him? But put aside the whole sex thing. Do you know this guy well enough and do you trust him enough to travel across the ocean and put your well-being in his hands?

I know at 22 this seems like an opportunity of a lifetime, but you still have a lot of life left in which to make your own opportunities.

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Thursday, March 06, 2008 - 8:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
Personally, I'd go to Europe on my own, spend all my own money, and just visit with the guy for a day or two. I wouldn't stay at his place. There's a lot to be said for independence. This is not the opportunity of a lifetime. It would be if he offered to pay your entire way. All he is doing is saving you a couple hundred dollars by offering you a place to stay.

Plus, you are planning a trip for over a year from now? It's all well and good to do the things (passport, savings), but to actually plan the trip or to stress about it?

Just save your money, apply for a passport, and see what happens.

Sorry if I sound blunt, but I think you are stressing out over something that could be a non-issue in a year. And I think you really need to think about your own independence. It really is only a couple hundred bucks more for a hotel room, depending on where you are. Even cheaper in a hostel.

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Thursday, March 06, 2008 - 10:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
Plus you got a whole year to learn Italian. Get to the library and check out those tapes now.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, March 06, 2008 - 11:33 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
ITA with Costa!!! You are getting excellent food for thought here. I know you will be smart about this, AND you will have a great time next year, no matter what. :-)

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Sunday, March 09, 2008 - 12:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
Does this make me a mean aunt?

Niece,

I did some thinking. I have decided that it would be best that if you come to our house that Boyfriend come get you in OurTown, either at Wal-Mart or our house. You know I love you. And I have no problems going and getting you at the bus station because Boyfriend will be at work. But I do not like the idea that it is ok for me to drive almost 30 minutes to drop you off where Boyfriend works, then drive 30 minutes to get back home, but you won't even consider Boyfriend coming to Wal-Mart in OurTown to pick you up after he gets off work. [Boyfriend is MORE than welcome to come to our house to pick you up. Even though it is only a mile and a half away from Wal-Mart, I thought it would be easier for him to pick you up there since he doesn’t know where we live.] It is only 5 miles from the clusterf of interstate intersections but almost 20 miles to where Boyfriend works. It really makes no sense for me to drive all that way - no matter what the time of day or night - if he's going to be so close to OurTown on his way home from work. You made the comment that it’s only one time, couldn’t Uncle come stay up with us even if he has to get up early the next morning for work. You are right, it is only one time. So why couldn’t Boyfriend, who doesn’t have to get up at 5am the next morning and work all day, drive 5 extra miles to come pick you up?


19yo niece is in a long distance relationship. Boyfriend lives about 6 miles north of me, 3 hours from her. She asked Thursday if she came up here could she come visit us cuz her boyfriend would be working until 11, 12, or 1. Sometimes 2am. Said sure no problem. Then she mentions yesterday morning, oh I guess you'll have to come get me at the bus station as bus comes in at 3:30, boyfriend goes to work at 3. No problem, even tho it is downtown. I think. *L* Then she asked if I could take her to his grandma's when he got off work. Um, no. My husband will be traveling and working the next day so needs to get up by 5am so will go to bed around 9 or 9:30. I'm not driving that late by myself. "But I'll be with you." Not on the way home. I told her I would take her around 10 and she'd just have to wait for him. Oh ok we'll see. Last night she was like Boyfriend says you can bring me to his work and I'll sit in his truck and wait. I looked up the address, NOT a good area at night, asked hubby - her uncle, he said hell no. SO went back and forth awhile, and finally told her NO it's not going to happen. Hubby came up with the idea of boyfriend calling when he left and us meeting him at Wal-mart here in town. She said something like I don't think he'll want to go that far out of his way. Can't you take me to Wal-Mart in Histown at 9:30? I asked if she really wanted to wait alone in a strange Wal-Mart for 2 - 3 hours. She said well you were going to take me to his Grandmas and wait with me. I said no I was going to drop you off. She stated again that "idk if Boyfriend will want to go so far out of his way but we'll see you'll probably just have to take me to his work. I gotta go to bed buh bye" then went off line before I could respond. So here is my response. It's not all of the email, the rest is discussing her moving up here to live with her boyfriend, but wanting things to be all perfect, and her boyfriend to pay all the bills and find a place that meets her standards and such cuz she's afraid to leave home. Not sure if I'm responding right on that but I won't bore you all with it. Just want to know if what I have written is mean and if so if there is a nicer way to put it. Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Prisonerno6
Member

08-31-2002

Sunday, March 09, 2008 - 4:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Prisonerno6 a private message Print Post    
I don't think you need to be so wordy. How about:

I did some thinking. It would be best that if you come to our house that Boyfriend come get you in OurTown, either at Wal-Mart or our house. I have no problems going and getting you at the bus station because Boyfriend will be at work. But it's very inconvenient for your uncle or me to spend an hour dropping you off at boyfriend's work. He will need to either come to our house or pick you up at WalMart.

You know I love you, and I can't wait to see you. I hope you understand our position on this. Your uncle needs to be at work very early in the morning, so we think it will be more convenient for Boyfriend to pick you up.

Texasdeb
Member

05-23-2003

Sunday, March 09, 2008 - 4:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texasdeb a private message Print Post    
well put Prisonerno6. Sounds like DN is not considering anything other than what's easier for her boyfriend. Have you all met the boyfriend before - maybe she has something to hide concerning him. You have compromised yourself way above what should be expected in your offers. DN should take it or leave it & she will if that's the only way she's going to get to spend time with the boyfriend.

Kitt
Member

09-06-2000

Sunday, March 09, 2008 - 7:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kitt a private message Print Post    
Do you need to provide an excuse to your niece? Could you just say you "can't" go and pick her up but you'd be happy to have her stay anyway if she can find other means. If she asks why you can't you could say because you have to be up early the next morning. You could say you'd be happy to meet her at the bus/train station though. I don't think you need to work so hard to justify yourself.

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Sunday, March 09, 2008 - 8:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
I guess the reason I felt I needed to explain every detail to her is the way she thinks and portrays information to other people. I basically said what Prisonerno6 said - thanks for the idea. If she gives us any more headaches hubby is going to just call her and talk to her about the situation. I tried earlier but she wouldn't answer her phone. I think it is past the email stage.

No we haven't met Boyfriend before, but hubby's brother and sister in law have. [but that doesn't make us feel any better. they are trying to get her married off and out of their hair.] He even lived down there with them for a couple months, but the job market sucks and he only got a seasonal job and couldn't find anything else once winter hit.

Thanks for the input.

Texasdeb
Member

05-23-2003

Monday, March 10, 2008 - 6:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texasdeb a private message Print Post    
Serate, what day is DN coming in? Expecting that your BIL & SIL are good parents, maybe they really like this boyfriend & that's why they're "trying to get her married off". At least, I hope that's the situation. I have 2 grown daughters & I never wanted to get them married off & always spoke my opinion of guys they brought around even if it was negative. Thankfully, both daughters have great husbands.

Biscottiii
Member

05-29-2004

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - 5:08 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Biscottiii a private message Print Post    
Yep, probably BIL & SIL might be willing to supply taxi fare to get their daughter all the places she wishes to go at all hours of the night. I know my OWN folks wouldn't have been willing, but times change. Her boyfriend doesn't seem too concerned. Strange situation, but might be more to the DN's liking. Adds to the drama.

Serate, Let your husband get his sleep. and YOU get some too!
You were more than generous in trying to pick up the youngster from the bus station.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - 9:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
at 19 why does she not drive? At 19 I traveled a lot farther than 3 hours on my own.

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - 1:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
Oh my where to start. Bisc it's sure funny you said for us to get some sleep. Niece's mom - hubby's SIL - called us at 1am last night/this morning. I answered the phone and heard "You f'n lazy b**** how dare you tell my daughter" then I hung up. She called right back and I let the answering machine pick up which woke my husband up. [I'll admit to reaching over and turning the volume up on high so he would wake up.] He picked up and told her this conversation was not happening at 1am and to have his brother call him in the morning and then hung up. I wanted to get up right then and there and do what I ended up doing, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of keeping me awake. So after hubby went to work I forwarded the original email to niece's dad, niece's mom [different emails], and to hubby. He knew exactly what I had sent her before I sent it, but I wanted them to see his name on it. Then I took the original email I was going to send that is posted above, took the "I've done some thinking" out of it, changed everything to past tense, and added on to the end of it

Uncle and I have decided that it would be best for you to arrange for your own transportation if you ride the bus up here instead of drive. This way you won't be stuck to our schedules and can do what you want, when you want. Here is the website to the Metro bus schedules, and here are some numbers for cabs. When you get up here give me a call if you have the time and want to come over and meet Zippy and Jack and reconnect with Eddie like you were wanting to. Remember Uncle is pretty busy with work and Chapter functions on the weekends for the next couple of months so if it doesn't work out this trip, we can try the next time you come visit Boyfriend.

And I sent this to Niece and copied her mom and dad, Boyfriend, and hubby. We'll see what response that brings.


Serate, what day is DN coming in?

No idea. The only weekend we would have been able to help her out in April is her nephew's 5th birthday and she wasn't going to miss out on that. But then said we could wait the next weekend to go to Kansas for the Nascar race until Saturday since the race isn't until Saturday afternoon and you can visit your friends after the race instead of Friday night. I just laughed and said yeah right. She's also trying to get us to go visit hubby's grandma who lives a half hour from her - grandma who hubby's brother won't visit because it's like a 20 minute drive that's too far! We told her IF we were going to Grandma's it would be on a Saturday, we would leave around 5-6am. She said that she would only get to see Boyfriend for 4 or 6 hours and they would be sleeping so we should go on a Monday haha. Said no Uncle is not going to take a vacation day so you don't have to have Boyfriend get up and take you to bus station at 8am. SHe doesn't want to ask him because he needs his sleep, even tho he would have had the whole weekend off, and goes into work M-F at 3pm.

I also gave her the idea of coming on a Sunday, leaving on a Saturday, that way Boyfriend can pick her up and drop her off at the bus station. And by being here through the week she could look for a job. She didn't like that idea. But said that if she did that I'd have to come and get her every afternoon so she didn't have to spend time alone with Boyfriends grandma. So that would be a daily picking up at 2:30p taking her back at 11p and waiting until 1a if he got off work. Um no sorry. Aint gonna happen. I didn't mind the one day picking her up and brining her her, and taking her back to his grandmas at a decent hour -which she refused so is the whole point of the original email - so I sure as hell aint gonna do it daily.


Expecting that your BIL & SIL are good parents, maybe they really like this boyfriend & that's why they're "trying to get her married off". At least, I hope that's the situation.
Unfortunately it's not the situation. And that's why I am giving her a little more leeway than most think I should. I've always been here for her - the past few years only on phone or email, but still I listen to her and don't judge or yell at her. Try to guide her to good decisions but don't push if she wants to go the opposite way.


Yep, probably BIL & SIL might be willing to supply taxi fare to get their daughter all the places she wishes to go at all hours of the night.

Nope they are cheap ********. Outwardly to others they aren't keeping up with the Jones, they are the ones the Jones should be - in their minds - keeping up with. But where the public can't see, they are tighter than tight. When my husband was staying with them they expected him to take a bath in water that was 3 hours cold that had been bathed in by the two nieces, SIL, and brother first. And it had nothing to do with saving water for the good of man. Their faucets outside are well water and they let their hoses run in the summer to piss off the neighbors. It was about the water bill. But then later that night they could pay $100 for a meal when they are out with friends, and not even eat 1/4 of it. I could give you tons more examples of saving and spending extremes.


Her boyfriend doesn't seem too concerned. Strange situation, but might be more to the DN's liking. Adds to the drama.

Our thoughts exactly. We don't even know if he knows what she was planning on doing, as far as coming to our house and her wanting me to drive her so far. She wouldn't ask him to come into our town to get her. Personally, if you haven't seen "the love of your life" since Christmas, I don't think 5 miles extra - ok 10 miles both ways - on your way home from work is asking too much. So that's why we copied him the first email, and this last one. So he knows EXACTLY what I put in the emails, not just what Niece tells him.


at 19 why does she not drive? At 19 I traveled a lot farther than 3 hours on my own.

I've heard various reasons. She's too afraid. It's cheaper to ride the bus. Dad says he doesn't want her driving in rush hour traffic. Which she wouldn't have depending on when she left home. When I told her that I could get her here a half hour faster, no interstates, nice 4 lane drive that usually has little traffic in the time frame she was thinking, she said well Dad says no. She pays the car payment, but the car, insurance, and title are in his name. That's what she says. If it's true or not I don't know, don't really care.

I do have to say I never drove that far at 19. Heck I thought going 45 minutes to shop at Kmart or WalMart was a long exciting trip!


I really do appreciate the input and different ideas or takes on the situation, and the chance to vent. I'm not looking forward to telling hubby what his SIL called me last night, but we don't keep secrets like that. Just didn't want him going to work all fired up. There's enough drama there already. I think I'll go watch my soaps. At least there's not as much drama in them and I can lose myself!

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - 4:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
I'd wash my hands of it. They are all causing this to be too much work for you, when you offered to do something out of the good of your heart. How dare they put conditions on you and your husband. I feel you are being taken advantage of because DN knows you'll be there for her. Why not have her boyfriend drive her around AND then if they have some time, THEY both can come visit you and you never have to leave the comfort of you own home. What? He can't take a day off to spend some extra time with the love of his life?

This is their trip, not yours.

If he is the love of her life, they should make it a point to come visit, together, their favorite auntie and uncle, JMO. Take a step back and say forget it.

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - 5:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
Yep Escapee that's our plan as of right now. And hubby said if she calls when she comes up here, we just might be busy that night. *L*

Biscottiii
Member

05-29-2004

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - 9:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Biscottiii a private message Print Post    
Good Work Serate, I agree with Escapee. Reading that whole situation, I kept asking my computer:

"Does DN expect to be Bottlefed and Burped as well?"