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Archive through December 20, 2007

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2007 ~ Dec. 2007: Free Expressions: Advice please....: Archive through December 20, 2007 users admin

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Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
If your sister has the resources to do so, she needs to get her into see a professional who can help get to the root of her problems and work through them before it's too late.

Prisonerno6
Member

08-31-2002

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Prisonerno6 a private message Print Post    
It sounds like the girl -- and the family -- needs a good counselor who will help set limits and give behavior modification ideas.

"private school, got her involved in guitar lessons, riding lessons, dog handling classes, provided her with many of the things materially that she didn't have before"

Because that sounds like she was rewarded for her bad behavior.

Rosie
Member

11-12-2003

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rosie a private message Print Post    
Dahli, is counseling from a professional an option?

To borrow from Dr. Phil - it sounds like she may be trying to get sent back to her mother so she can be with her so called "friends".

Hang in there.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Dahli sounds like your niece needs boundaries and a strong hand and kick in the ass. She also needs consequences for her behavior.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Dahli, the honeymoon's over, eh? All those things sound great, but as others have pointed out, if there was no attempt to ferret out the root causes of her acting out, it ws inevitable that she would return to it eventually.

If your youngest sis has the resources, I would advocate for a group living situation where they deal specifically with out of control teens. She'll get the structure she needs, and also the counseling she needs.

Dahli
Member

11-27-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dahli a private message Print Post    
My youngest sister had prepared papers to have custody so that her 'plan' at work would cover the girl for dental (badly needed) and psychiatric evaulation etc. Unfortunately the mother objected to some of the wording regarding reasons (parenting issues) and balked therefore stalling the process, which in the meantime gave the youngest time to rethink this whole thing. She also has put consequences in place which completely do not phase this girl. She just works around restrictions curfews and rules, claiming she forgot or just bald face lies! The structure that was put in place was hopefully to keep her busy and hopefully find something for her to get into besides smoking dope in someone's basement. My sister didn't think a fresh start would be complete without the lessons and things that were to help the girl in some way...

social services may need to be brought in as before she was sent up there, police were involved. This kid has had no structure and since her father's suicide two Christmases ago, where she was blamed :-( she has not been the same.

Thanks everyone, I feel overwhelmed.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Ok, so let me get this right:
The girl's father committed suicide, her mother's on probation, and she's been sent to live with an aunt because of behavioral issues.

Contact mental health, get this girl to see someone before it's too late. She has been through too much in her short life to be dealing with this on her own. ((((Dhali, Sisters, and niece))))

Beckie03
Member

07-05-2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckie03 a private message Print Post    
Thanks for the help...last night she (my mom) came to me and nobody was going to go to the wedding...including her. And she''s being completely stubborn and I hope that she changes her mind, because I did tell her that I just won't go (plus it's right around my time for finals...soo)

Dehli - you know my parents took me to the jail here in town and it scared me straight. I'm not saying do that, but do something to show her that she needs to be thankful for what she's got. She's still going to act out because she's 14, but you can MAKE her go to counseling...drive her there and wait in the waiting room...one day she will thank you for it, just not anytime soon

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 12:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Take her to a homeless shelter, or a battered woman's shelter or something, show her where she's headed if she doesn't get away from the bad crowds.

Chiliwilli
Member

09-04-2006

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 1:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chiliwilli a private message Print Post    
Boot camp for teens.

Dahli
Member

11-27-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 1:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dahli a private message Print Post    
Escapee, yes the father killed himself and left a note implicating the girl's divided loyalty (the parents were separated at the time) as the reason.

The mother is on probation at work as it's a new job.. first three months and all which means she can't just up and leave or be late or miss time if the girl should act up at school etc. So no she is not in trouble with the law. But she is in way over her head regarding how to parent and this is the consequences. The Spears sans the cash. Trainwreck on a budget. I've told her she needs to find out fast any options such as boot camp and such, but here we have such a problem with Natives that they seem to be using all the resources. Social services/foster care would likely mean we've 'lost' her for sure. That whole thing is a terrible mess, and was my mom's worse nightmare that the girl would wind up in the system as that is where mom worked for many years and knew exactly how screwed up it is.


MY youngest sister does not have limitless resources, but makes very good money and is single, willing to help but not willing to invest large sums of money into this.

Karuuna the honeymoon is definitely over....

Thanks Mame, you are right, this is not what we need right now.

We hadn't expected a particularly joyous holiday this year and as a matter of fact I've moved into 'numb' mode and avoided the baking decorating and such that reminds me of what happened last year, but this of course has snatched me out of that place fast.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 2:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
I would certainly hope that the girl does NOT know that the note left stated that. How horrific at 12 years old to find out that.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 2:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Given that all she has been through, it's no wonder she is acting out. She really needs help, and enforced structure) rather than condemnation.

I'll pray that she gets it. Poor dear.

Denecee
Member

09-05-2002

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 3:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Denecee a private message Print Post    
My heart goes out to your niece, Dahli. (((to your youngest sister for having such a big heart to do as much as she has for your niece))) ((to you for your heartfelt concern for your niece))

I am raising my 16 yr old niece. Her mother wanted to give her up for adoption but my brother wouldn't hear of it. Yet, he didn't raise her either, my mom did until she was 13 and my mom died. So let's see, her mom abandoned her, her father didn't take the responsibility of raising her and the one person who was raising her died. Sometimes she gets to be a little brat and we talk it out. She knows it could be way worse situation for her but I know she feels abandoned and that makes her act up sometimes. I'm babbling on and on, what my point really is, is that teenagers are not always easy to raise without the added loss of parents/caregivers.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 3:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
(((Denecee)))

I just remember what I was like as a teenager....thought i knew it all, angry over nothing and everything, no one understood, and even if they did, no one wanted to talk to me about it, and I couldn't talk about it without them getting defensive or me getting more angry...I grew out of it before any major damage was done, but some aren't so lucky.

Dahli
Member

11-27-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 3:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dahli a private message Print Post    
Unfortunatley 'his' mother made sure she knew and has yelled it at her a number of times,that whole family is sick - my niece was not allowed to go to the funeral either. very sad.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 3:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
OMG. (((((Dahli and Niece))))

Absolutely get this girl into counseling.

Denecee
Member

09-05-2002

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 3:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Denecee a private message Print Post    
Oh, hell no!! Give me his mom's address so I can go slap the evil out of her. I don't care how much that woman was grieving her son's death, that was wrong, wrong, wrong!

All this stuff happening to her at such a young age will hopefully make her a very strong woman.
She does need to know that there are consequences for her actions. My niece knows that I will not put up with any crap and I would have no problem taking her to the juvenile home for kids who don't think they have to listen to their adults.

Dahli
Member

11-27-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 5:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dahli a private message Print Post    
LOL Denecee! That made me smile... sadly she is in the final stages of bone cancer so you'd likely not get here in time. So much pain in that family.

Anyway thanks for all the support guys, it does help to have some place to be heard.

My niece had intensive counselling just after the event for about a year and then again this past spring and now she is seeing someone at the private school. She claims they don't really help her and she just wants to get back to her friends, so you may be onto something Rosie..

Denecee
Member

09-05-2002

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 5:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Denecee a private message Print Post    
I asked my niece if she would go to counseling about a year ago and she said she wouldn't talk to anyone that she didn't know. I need to hug her tonight when she gets off work, cause they need those hugs even if they act like they don't.

Justavice
Member

11-22-2005

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 5:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Justavice a private message Print Post    
Dahli, I sent you an email to the address in your profile.

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Friday, December 21, 2007 - 12:08 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
`Beckie, your age is only 22 in your profile. That means your four years of relationship started at the Young age of 18.

No engagement? no promise ring? no job no education? I'd be freaking out if I was your family as well.

As usual, I'm on the opposite side than most people here.

A wedding is a celebration of Family and Friends. Is your boyfriend part of the family? Nope.....Is he a friend of either person getting married? Dont think so from what cha said.

I dont see the purpose in ruining it for everyone in the family because you want to bring a NONfamily member who is going to cause conflict.

I love the suggestion made earlier to Sit down with Mom and sis and let them lay out, in brutal terms if needed, Why they dont like your boyfriend and why they wont accept him.

Be sure to let them know that they can say Anything and you wont get mad. Who knows? they may have seen him around town with someone OR worse, they feel he will not provide for you and is a slacker.

I realize that none of us know the Full story, but hopefully it is understood that we are trying to help out with our comments.

If your boyfriend hasnt got his sht together in four years...YIKES!! run for the hills!!

Mind you, maybe your family would accept him if he actually seemed like he was interested in a Long term Commitment.

No one likes to watch a family member being used.

And often we are the last ones to see it. ((speaking from experience!!))

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Friday, December 21, 2007 - 12:15 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
wow Dahli,

that story is so similar to the Runaway Story I posted a few pages back.

In my example, the girl's mother abandoned the family....so she isnt dead, which I THINK is basically worse. What a Rejection for the kids!!

The runaway also is 14 and your description of behaviour is exactly what her dad had to put up with...that and her violent lashing out at the young siblings who now moved in with Dad because Mom took off with the new boyfriend.

selfishness, Fury and Anger definitely rule at Fourteen years old even in regular households. I swear that Hormones are to blame...that and the feeling that they Know EVERYTHING at that age.

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Friday, December 21, 2007 - 12:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
oh I guess I should add. Counselling may or may not work. I think it has to do with the kid's personality and trust issues.

Beckie03
Member

07-05-2007

Friday, December 21, 2007 - 12:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckie03 a private message Print Post    
Sunshyne, he has given me a promise ring. He does have a job...not a great one, but he is making money.

We actually got together when I was 19...we have been together (technically) for 3 years and 8 months. His big problem is because he missed high school he is stuggling more than anybody I have ever see with college, but he is going...and getting to the point of where he wants to quit. He has tried to get into the military but his hearing is really bad and he can't get it.

I seriously think he needs to find something and stick with it...he just keeps running into walls. I still have 2 years left of college, also, so I can't really tell him to get his life on track, because 1) I would be a hypocrite and 2) he is going to school and trying to figure out what he can do since he keeps getting into walls...

I'm not trying to stick up for him, just trying to explain it.

And the why there is no engagement ring is because I told him I didn't want to get married when a) I don't have a good job and b) I still live at home with my mom...that's my choice...

but thank you for your input, sunshyne...I greatly appreciate it. Thank you again...and I need to hear the bad with the good... :-)