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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Tuesday, May 22, 2007 - 5:36 am
Technically, this isn't a joke, but humorous nonetheless! A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Tuesday, May 22, 2007 - 6:54 am
For Chad: One day there was a knock on the door. The man went to open the door and saw a snail. He kicked it across the street. A year and a half later he heard another knock. He goes and opens the door and sees the snail asking him "What was that for?"
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Irishtxgrl
Member
12-07-2005
| Tuesday, May 22, 2007 - 12:52 pm
CUTE
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Wednesday, May 23, 2007 - 4:42 am
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." At an Optometrist's Office : "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a fence "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary We hear you coming." At the Electric Company : "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Restaurant window : "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home : "Drive carefully. We'll wait." And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: " Best place in town to take a leak "
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Irishtxgrl
Member
12-07-2005
| Wednesday, May 23, 2007 - 8:41 am
How funny he he he
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Friday, June 01, 2007 - 4:54 pm
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'' 'Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' ''OK" she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.' But let me ask you a question first......A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"
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Justavice
Member
11-22-2005
| Friday, June 01, 2007 - 5:05 pm
I am so saving that for when another passenger hits me up for conversation on a plane!! I wear headphones, read a book, close my eyes to sleep, to no avail!! Whenever I fly alone, I sit next to the conversation starter!! Thank you for my new response!!!!
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Karen
Member
09-07-2004
| Friday, June 01, 2007 - 5:09 pm
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration: 1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com 7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com 9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Monday, June 04, 2007 - 7:47 am
A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. The children began to say: " Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon," "Green..........lime," " Orange .........orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're a$$-holes!"
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Tuesday, June 05, 2007 - 4:25 am
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon. As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up my purchase, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the five items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Wednesday, June 06, 2007 - 11:48 am
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer is broken."
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Thursday, June 07, 2007 - 9:08 am
LOL!!
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Monday, June 18, 2007 - 7:55 am
Chocolate Chip Cookies An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven. Standing there was his wife of many years, and spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself forward, landing in a chair at the kitchen table. His parched lips parted, he reached for a cookie- the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
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Ophiliasgrandma
Member
09-04-2001
| Tuesday, June 19, 2007 - 12:33 pm
Cute!
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Wednesday, June 20, 2007 - 11:23 am
Put The Bikini Back On! A rather well built woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bikini. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered, little assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!" "What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."
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Texasdeb
Member
05-23-2003
| Thursday, June 28, 2007 - 8:20 am
Girls Night Out The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!". Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh!t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted".
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 9:56 am
Connectile Dysfunction The inability to get a connection. Most commonly experienced when using a cell phone, but can refer to laptops with Wi-Fi cards, etc. If it persists for more than four hours, please contact your doctor. He can't help your connectile dysfunction, but can give you something to ease your frustration.
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 10:54 am
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward aga inst the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get." By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 11:09 am
After a long night of intense love making, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... "That's me before the surgery."
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Thursday, July 19, 2007 - 6:04 am
A young ventriloquist was touring clubs and one night he was doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes." "What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. "You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, and the blonde yelled,, "You stay out of this, mister..... I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee."
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 5:32 am
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150," she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Monday, August 06, 2007 - 4:31 am
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED: I rear-ended a car this morning . . . the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" And...That's how the fight started.
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Tuesday, August 07, 2007 - 6:27 am
A day without sunshine is like night. ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90 ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a Moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse. ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Wednesday, August 08, 2007 - 12:03 pm
IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time,a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since. ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS ________________________________________ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep... From Kansas City! ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING! : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Alabama ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a group at Texas Instruments. ___________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ____________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!"His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
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Lateeda
Member
12-01-2006
| Tuesday, August 14, 2007 - 6:49 am
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a Jackass to pay for all of it."
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