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Archive through September 28, 2007

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2007 ~ Dec. 2007: Health Center: Pregnant...: ARCHIVES: Archive through September 28, 2007 users admin

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Missy2
Member

07-31-2001

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 - 6:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Missy2 a private message Print Post    
About 3 weeks ago I discovered that I am pregnant. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should even share it with my live in boyfriend. I want to have a baby but worry about financial security, the work invovled and our relationship. I've considered OTHER options…but I don't even know. I'm excited yet, I'm not. Our relationship isn't great…

I don't know what to do.

I've been being "healthy" since I found out...

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 - 6:30 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
(((Missy)))

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 - 6:36 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
Oh boy, that is a decision only you can make. It is good that you are thinking hard about it so early. (I am very biased as we just adopted a little girl.)

Will your family be supportive of you? Maybe think about if you can support yourself and the baby if you had to do it without your live-in BF because it seems that is a real possibility of what ends up happening.

If you want some objective opinions, any reputable adoption agency can help. They do not just "push" for you to place the baby, they truly (the reputable ones at least!) do care about the pregnant lady. They will help you get set up to parent if that is what you ultimately decide.

Good luck! It's good that you are feeling healthy. That will help as I am sure your mind is heavy right now.

Missy2
Member

07-31-2001

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 8:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Missy2 a private message Print Post    
I just don't know. I keep thinking you only live once, I'm not getting any younger. And even if our relationship isn't great, we can work it out. But that is a lifetime to commitment. And am I ready to carry his weight, a baby and mine? I keep thinking in the dreamworld but then I go back to reality and I've yet to tell him. Yesterday I was trying to think why I love him and came up…a little empty. I don't know…

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 10:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
When you say are you ready to carry his weight, do you mean you are currently supporting him now?

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 10:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Even though I ultimately believe the woman has the right to choose what to do with her body, I still feel the father should be informed. That's jmo. Yes having a child is a lifetime commitment, for both of you. And I guess from what you're saying above there is the possibility of you being a single parent. Well in this day and age that is not an impossible situation.

Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 11:30 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. I'm also a single mom by choice, so I have a child, planned it all, and did it own my own. So, my situation is a bit different.

Missy, are you in your thirties? Are you able to support yourself? Would you be able to support yourself and a child alone? Would your family be supportive? Those are the kinds of questions I would be asking myself.

What is the future of your relationship without a child? I'm a person who doesn't believe people should try to stay together for the sake of the children. I think those situations can get pretty ugly with resentment and unhappiness. Would you two be able to co-parent without marriage? Would he even want that? Would he try to walk away? Obviously those are questions he has to help answer.

For me, the bottom line about becoming a mom was: When I'm 60 will I regret it if I don't become a mom? The answer was a resounding yes and now I am a mom.

Good luck to you!

Ginger1218
Member

08-31-2001

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 12:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ginger1218 a private message Print Post    
Missy, I can only tell you I had the chance to become a mother and didn't and I am now 54 and I regret it every day of my life.

Eeyoreslament
Member

07-20-2003

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 12:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Eeyoreslament a private message Print Post    
I am the daughter of a woman who did it all by herself, and I think I turned out pretty good. She had no help from the father, but I as the child in the relationship have never felt like my life lacked something. Honestly, even parents who are happy and together can't guarantee they'll stay together forever, in this day and age.

Only you can make this decision. It sounds lke your gut reaction is to feel happy, but then your head tells you something different. Sometimes discussing it with your partner, and seeing how they feel about it, might help you come to some decisions. I'm with Mocha in that the father should at least KNOW, while understanding that it is still ultimately YOUR decision.

One of my best friends in my life has chosen the OTHER alternatives twice, and now has one child with her ex-husband. the OTHER two pregnancies she doesn't regret for a minute, because she says she just didn't feel right about it, and it was not a good time to be having a baby. Then she got married, and they had a baby, and STILL never stayed together (divorced several years later). So it just goes to show that you can choose other options, and not regret it, and you can choose the (supposedly) perfect scenario and it still ends up differently.

Single mothers can do a good job too. It is entirely up to you, and I hope I didn't sound like I was trying to sway you in any direction. I feel for you, and I wish you a ton of personal clarity in this time of your life.

Big hugs to you!

Spitfire
Member

07-18-2002

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 1:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Spitfire a private message Print Post    
{{Ginger}}

Cinnamongirl
Member

01-10-2001

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 1:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cinnamongirl a private message Print Post    
Wow Ginger, thats so huge, I feel for you. I do. My best friend is feeling the same way, and shes 43 and single (for now) Shes really hoping she meets a guy and can at least be a step mom. Its such an enormous decision to make & not an easy one, thats for sure.

Good post eeyore!

& Good Luck Missy. My husband and I (together 10 yrs) had a child and split up recently, my son is only 21 mths old now. Its hard but I wouldn't go back and make a different choice...but I do have lots of family around and help with finaces, so I know I'm lucky. Its a decision your heart has to make and when it does, the rest will fall into place, you'll see.

Ginger1218
Member

08-31-2001

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 2:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ginger1218 a private message Print Post    
But, one of my best friends - Donna had a baby a boy named Gianni and he is the light of my life. I absolutely adore him. All the love that I have for a child goes to him - I have no nieces or nephews, so he is it. I am his Aunt Lynn (or Ryn as he pronounces) and I will do anything for him. I babysat for him twice last weekend. and will pick him up from school on Friday. He is going to be 3 in December. He goes to school 3 days a week - half days.
Donna is not involved (she is gay) and she wanted a child - she was 43 and just went for it. I helped her pick out the donor and she got pregnant on the first try.

Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 2:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
Ginger, your friend was so lucky to conceive easily at age 43!!! And she is so lucky to have you in her life, as is her son.

Missy2
Member

07-31-2001

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 3:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Missy2 a private message Print Post    
Wow Ginger, that sounds excellent. Right now I have a baby in my life and I ADORE HER so I cannot imagine how I'd feel about my own. I love kids! Money makes me nervous, I only have a temp job but I'm making tons! My guy is very supportive and caring and would do whatever I want but...he is horrible with money! I'm nervous about with other people will think - not that it matters. And of course I'm nervous about the work involved and if I can swing it!! And if I'd be a good mom!! And if the baby would be healthy and the pregnancy a difficult one!? OMG huh. Ya I'm a little ANXIOUS! I've been going over it in my head for weeks, I'm scheduling an appt for asap. And will discuss it with the guy tomorrow.

Thank you all for your thoughts, support and opinions.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 4:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
Not to scare you, but think about the work involved. Then times that by about 100 and you might be close to what is involved!

Good luck and take your time and I wish you peace as you think about this...

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 4:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Missy, the fact that you are anxious is only a sign to me that you would be a good and caring Mom. It's usually the people who don't care that aren't as good.

Eeyoreslament
Member

07-20-2003

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 9:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Eeyoreslament a private message Print Post    
Sometimes people are bad with money until they have something more important to do with their money. I spend a lot of money stupidly, and don't have much savings, but when I am motivated to have something (a trip, a new computer, etc.), I am good at not throwing money away. I don't think a person's views on money with and without children can be considered the same. As a parent, most people are completely willing to sacrifice their own pleasure for the happiness of the children.

I know a TON of guys who become completely different people once they have children, and not just in the money department.

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 11:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
I'm almost afriad to throw in my two cents. This situation is both exciting and scarey at the same time.

I can completely understand the feeling of being uncertain. I'm sure it is completely normal.

I like the comments that everyone have already made.

I think that the reality of the situation may cause a bit of an adjustment period but I think it will be a wonderful way to see what kind of a man you are sharing your life with.

I think you need to tell him and then give some space so he can figure out his feelings.

I am a great proponent(is that the right word LOL?) of couples counselling.

nothing wrong with Bouncing ideas off of a specialist, they could be very helpful to let you focus on what you would like to do in this situation.

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 - 11:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
oh and the money situation could just need a bit of Budgeting help.

Babies can be expensive but there are ways to cut back on expenses.

heck, I used to sleep in an empty suitcase (temporarily LOL)when a newborn. I am not from a middle income family (definitely low low income) but my parents always found a way for us to have 'the basics'.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, September 27, 2007 - 4:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
I FULLY believe in the woman's right to choose, making an informed decision. Sounds like you are certainly making every effort to think this through, and that is truly commendable. Only you know how ready, and invested emotionally as well as financially you are to become a mom. IF the timing is right, it's a blessing for all concerned and a wonderful opportunity to enrich your life, by creating another life. If not, then be honest with yourself and you won't fool yourself by romanticizing something that will alter your life forever. As for telling him... I am truly torn. Since I see men as the abandoners for the most part and women as the ones left to cope, I wonder about the 'necessity' of complicating an already heart-wrenching decision. If you choose to terminate the pregnancy, then why torture the fellow by telling him this, especially if he has indicated he wants a baby? It's like pulling the rug out from under him while sticking a knife in his heart, imho. But IF you do decide to have the baby, then, unless the 'dad' is an abusive person, he absolutely should be told. In other words, I would only tell the fellow once you have pretty much made up your mind. Unless you have a relationship that is so loving, tight and secure that it is truly optimal for you to make the decision together. I guess being the child of divorce and a disfunctional family has made me very cautious and one to hedge my bets. I only hope you make the decision that is right for you keeping in mind this decision affects your life now and in the future. And I truly wish you the best.

Nanalinda
Member

08-06-2005

Thursday, September 27, 2007 - 8:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nanalinda a private message Print Post    
Missy, my two cents........I suggest,as you are thinking your way through this, that you take your boyfriend out of the equation. Imagine if he were not in the picture what would you want? Could you support a baby on your own,do you have family help,etc. If things work out with him that would be an added bonus for both you & the baby,but you probably should be prepared to do it on your own. I was divorced when my daughter was 18 mos,he never paid child support & we never saw him--he was completely out of her life. I was fortunate to have a decent job & good benefits & a very helpful family so we did just fine. She would tell you she doesn't feel like she missed out on anything. Yes,it was hard in alot of different ways but she is the light of my life. She is 33 now & has a wonderful husband & 4 children of her own. I commend you for being so thoughtful as you work this out in your mind & in your heart. You have to do what is best for you & I completely support your right to make any decision--just wanted you to know that if you decide to have this baby,even if are alone it can be done & bring you more joy than you can imagine.

Missy2
Member

07-31-2001

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 6:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Missy2 a private message Print Post    
We talked. He has no opinion either way BUT he likes his life how it is. He likes doing whatever he wants with his friends and hanging out. He will do whatever I want but reminds me has little patience for children. I don't know our relationship stinks to begin with :-( I really am upset about this whole thing. I can support me and a little one on what I make but I'm a contractor, and will the work still be there, especially after they find this out? I don't have insurance either.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 6:29 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
(((Missy)))

Ducky
Member

08-27-2000

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 7:32 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ducky a private message Print Post    
Missy I have no answers as it is a life changing commitment to raise a child. Only you can make the right decision what is best for your life and seek out guidance though a Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and the baby as you go though this ((Missy)).

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 8:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
I would look for a crisis pregnancy center. I know that even adoption agencies will help a pregnant woman whether or not she decides to place a child for adoption. They offer a lot of help. They will even pay for food and rent while you are pregnant, even if you change your mind. I'd just take a few deep breaths and try to not get overwhelmed. There is help out there for you.

What about your family? Would they offer any type of help?