Author |
Message |
Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 11:14 am
So today I told him how I felt. That, if he doesn't want children then we need to realize we both want different things and part. He was basically like yes, you are right. How do you want to splitt up the bills? Maybe we could just splitt everything and he can move into our spare bedroom, is what he's thinking. I'm DEVESTATED AND BESIDE MYSELF and he seems like oh okay its over. I don't get it. I'm upset with him because he is SOOO WILLING to just end our relationship. I know this is probably for the best but I feel HORRIBLE about this, and like its just not right. And he seems like it’s a GREAT IDEA.
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Nyheat
Member
08-09-2006
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 11:20 am
Missy I was just thinking about you, I am not kidding! Sadly, time to move on. There is so much better waiting for you out there. I don't know if I would even want to live with him as a roommate! That seems too hard.
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Scooterrific
Member
07-08-2005
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 11:32 am
Well if he's as serious about not wanting children as you are about wanting them, then it's for the best.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 11:52 am
Do not live together. It won't work. Cut ties. One of you needs to leave the house. Transfer bills into the appropriate names. (((((Missy))))) We are here for you. You will make it through this and be so much better for it. You are in my prayers, prayers for strength of mind and heart. It's ok to be upset, let it out. It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry. If you don't feel the things you need to at this point in time, you won't get to be happy, and YOUR happiness is what's important.
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:07 pm
I don't know. I'm scared. I'm feeling like its a big mistake. I'm so scared, dumb huh. It seems like this is REALLY simple for him. That upsets me.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:26 pm
Ok Missy what exactly are you scared of? This man doesn't make you happy from what you've said. Are you scared of living alone? If so then sweetie get over it. And get some counseling.
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:29 pm
I don't know. I'm just so freaked out. I am getting counselling. I'll figure it out eventually....
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Serate
Member
08-21-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:38 pm
Missy if it was THAT simple for him to accept it when you said it's over, then IT IS OVER unless you are willing to compromise your integrity. And you deserve much better than that.
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:40 pm
I would say that you are scared of the unknown. We can all be frightened by that but I think deep down you know that you deserve better than what you have. Please know that you will get through this and more than likely be much better off. Sorry if that is to forward, but like I said...I think you already know this. (((Missy2)))
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:40 pm
You are right. It just hurts so much that it means so little to him. Like I'm just worthless.
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Kitt
Member
09-06-2000
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:43 pm
Hi Missy, it's probably not as easy for him as he's making out, it might be just a bravado thing, to protect his ego and to protect himself from getting hurt. But the important thing to you isn't how he feels or how he reacts, but what you choose to do with your life next. Look at it as practically as you can, like you are moving house and need to transfer bills and so on. Can one of you move out easily, like to a friend's or relatives? I agree with Escapee, do NOT live together, it'll only complicate things. It sounds like you knew deep down that this was coming, and that it's almost a good thing it's happened so that you can start to move on. I feel for you. But you can do this.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:43 pm
Missy, I think he's been mulling this over for a few weeks now, based on some of the things you've said that he's said to you. It almost seemed like he would make the break before you got the chance. So, in his mind, I think he saw this coming and has already processed it and isn't upset or surprised. I agree -- you can't continue to live there. You need to make a clean break. You can do it, and you will come out on the other side better off! 
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:46 pm
I know it's hard right now to see past your feelings of hurt but you could possibly look at it as him actually thinking you are not worthless and realizes you do deserve better than what he feels he can give you.
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Ladytex
Member
09-27-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:46 pm
Missy, you don't know that it means so little to him. That may be a defense mechanism.
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Nyheat
Member
08-09-2006
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 12:48 pm
Missy, you are in the middle of it now and it seems crushing. It's the environment you've been living and breathing for months (years?) and his feelings about you have taken on gargantuan proportions in your world. When I was younger I went pretty crazy over a guy who abruptly dumped me. I spiraled pretty badly. My only option in that case was to get away and start fresh and detox the guy and situation out of my system. After a while you'll see that his feelings for you matter very little in the grand scheme of things and there is a better life out there for you.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 1:15 pm
I would look at it this way, he's making it easier for you to do what you want/need to do anyways, to save yourself, which is make a clean break. But to accomplish that one of you really has to move out. I promise you, that two things will happen: 1) Eventually you'll gain confidence and your self esteem will improve. 2) You'll be setting things in motion for the next relationship - a healthier, more positive one, to come along and you'll be ready for it.
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Cinnamongirl
Member
01-10-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 1:28 pm
(((Missy))) I've been wondering about you. Wow... Okay. When I read your post today my first thought was.. defence mechanism on his part. I doubt he could care less about you two breaking up but it doesn't sound like he'll put up much of a fight either. I know that hurts. Its what I went thru too. This is going to be hard and its gonna hurt like hell but in the long run, you WILL be better off. You know it too. You're scared of being alone. Alot of people stay in bad relationships because of just that. Its hard to be alone, I feel alone. I have a young son and my family all around and its still very lonely, but after 5-6 months, I'm starting to see the light waaaaay at the end of the tunnel. I'm getting stronger but its not an easy road...but its worth it. Keep telling yourself that....it'll be worth it. You deserve to be happy. Take this opportunity to try. And we are all so "there" for you. Any way we can help....just ask. If you need someone to talk too, PM me, or I can call you, msn you, whatever!!... I've cried for hours upon hours (not necessarily all at one time...LOL)to my best friend over the phone, it helps to get it out, it really does.
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Twinkie
Member
09-24-2002
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 1:31 pm
Missy, it could be that it was over for him when the pregnancy happened and he was just waiting for you to end it. You did and now he is free to really move on. I know that's very tough to take but you know you are doing the right thing by ending it. You clearly weren't happy.
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 2:20 pm
You know it kills me I'm 32 years old. I'm that age..of wanting a kid. He has known that I've wanted kids. He has always directly AVOIDED that he does not want kids. The way I see it, if we part...what are the chances that he'll find someone who does not have little ones or does not want any. He is talking about getting a vasectomy. If we wait till January I can swing the apartment alone, I just need to know my work is going to re-up my contract, I guess I could do it now even. He could move in with family if he wanted. I have none up here. Just him.
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Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 3:49 pm
Heck, just finding the final morsel of courage to finally leave him might take til January. It's only six weeks away. Not to mention that a month is usually standard notice for someone to move/find a new place. That's the problem with living with a person; you have a bit of a wait period before separating, before one of you can move out. Such is the helpfulness of family/friends, who may allow couch surfing til you find another place. The thing you might want to think about though, is getting through Christmas. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's a hard time of year when you are not in a good relationship. Will it be more difficult to be alone, or more difficult to be living with him in a non-relationship over the holidays? If you guys have a spare room, it sounds like you have a good-sized apartment. Why not move into a 1 bedrooom place, that might be cheaper? That way the job situation won't be so important. Do you have any girlfriends to hang out with? It sounds like this guy was a large percentage of your social life. I think you should join a club or something, to meet people and get out of the house, and have this whole situation off of your mind. I hope things can work themselves out quickly, and you can find true happiness outside of the relationship. We are all still here for you. Good luck!
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 4:06 pm
Get a new apartment now. Yours, no baggage, no memories. You are entitled to a new fresh start. You are young, you are beautiful. You never know what 2008 will bring. Prepare for it now and start living your life, based on your happiness. Putting it off until January will only make it harder. Hasn't this been hard enough. Time to be optimistic about your future as well. In a year or two you could be married and expecting a child with the man of your dreams in a home of your own, or whatever your dreams are. You deserve to reach your dreams. This is NOT the man of your dreams.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 4:31 pm
My concern is that the holidays are a very emotional, sentimental time of year. I'd be concerned about being together for the holidays several reasons. If he's 'nice' and spoils you to mess with your head and heart, or because he has a change of heart and wants to stay together - as long as things remain the same. Also if he's serious about the making the break, it may be a lonelier, more miserable holiday with him nearby going his merry way. I say don't torture yourself - or him. My vote is that you make the break well before the Christmas holidays. Can you spend the holidays with family or friends?
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 5:42 pm
He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to be with me but he just doesn't want kids. And he's sorry if he has misled me but no thanks. And he's like I can't see my life without you. All I have is a headache. I don't know whats wrong with me. Why isn't this EASIER!!! Everything in our relationship has to fall within his guidelines / specs. If it doesn't then he's not interested. When we first got together, he wanted marriage and kids. His last girlfriend had a 2 year old and a 4 year old! Now no thanks to marriage or kids! I don't know, its not relevant. Its hard for me, I want what he says he has to offer but what he gives is always something different. I moved up here for him, when I've mentioned moving to a place closer to his work its about hanging out with his pals and being closer to them than work. He used to talk about getting a house, now when I mention it he says its not what he wants, because its too much work. Everything seems to be about how little work he can possibly put in. Its so depressing. And if I have a complaint or issue he turns it back on me. AND all I'm doing is complaining and trying to justify why I should be walking out the door. When I'm still sitting here. My head is pounding. He told me he wants to go to counselling. I will try it but I know what I want and He knows what he wants. I mentioned my thoughts to him about finding someone else who has no kids or doesn't want any (how its not likely) he said I don't want to be with anyone else. I start my individual counselling on Friday. I will schedule something for us. I also starting glimpsing around at apartments that are cheaper and include stuff. I wish I could just twitch my nose and be all moved out and done with it. It just breaks my heart, I just wish that we were right for each other that this wasn't so difficult.
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 8:07 pm
Missy, if you want to break it off, then do so. With a clean break. Do not continue to live together. Believe me, if you don't cut all ties right now, things will just get weird in the future. (I'm speaking from experience... I broke up with ex-fiancee, but we were going into business together and I agreed we'd continue because I could separate business and personal but it turns out he thought if he was still around all the time I'd "come to my senses" and want him back. Wrong. I broke all ties immediately and severed our business relationship then and there.) And do NOT let his lackadaisical attitude towards your breakup inform your sense of being (or value). Once again, listen to your heart. It sounds like your heart thinks this is not the man for you (especially since it's all about what he wants). I don't know if counseling will help. The kid thing? It's an absolute deal-breaker in any relationship. If one wants 'em and one doesn't, it should be a deal-breaker, anyways. Listen to your heart. You know what's best for you. If you are the one who has to make all the compromises, then this is NOT the best for you. Yes, relationships are hard. But they are not, and never EVER should be a one-way street. Do you have anyone who can help you do a quick move? As in, while he's gone to work, come in and help you pack and get outta there quickly? ETA: This is just my two cents from the sidelines, without knowing the whole story. But, if I were in your shoes, I'd walk. If I had to leave things behind, so be it. You're right... it's shouldn't be this difficult (to stay together). So don't listen to what I'm saying, listen to what your heart is saying. I may be saying the same thing. 
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 11:18 pm
I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but you are absolutely wasting your time trying to figure out some way to make this work. All the counseling in the world will not make this man want children, nor will it make him be who you think he should be or want him to be. Counseling may; however, help you to figure out why you are so hesitant or resistant to meeting other people. If you have a job, you have the ability to make friends. If you go to church, you have the ability to make friends. If you join an exercise class, craft class, or whatever, you will have the ability to make friends. From way out here, it seems to me that you do not want to meet or know anyone else but this guy. If this is what you want, than accept what you have. Otherwise, you will need to be completely honest with your counselor to find out why you refuse to meet new people. I continue to wish you the best, and hope that my frankness is not hurtful. It's time to move on.
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