Author |
Message |
Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 6:14 pm
And, further, it really doesn't matter who is the cause of things not being right between you two. You shouldn't have to "make yourself better" to have a good relationship. That is another of those things that just "is."
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 9:01 am
So today I expressed some of my feelings to him. He basically told me that he really loves me and wants to be with me but he does not want kids. Which I already knew, obviously! He would have done it for me but its not what he wants. That he has no patience for kids and that if I don't want this or don't love him that he needs know. Basically he said to me if you aren't going to love me forever then I need to know! Why am I left feeling so horrible? Like omg what am I doing and now I'm totally alone?! Ya better alone? not sure I feel like that right now.
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Ginger1218
Member
08-31-2001
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 9:25 am
Missy, he seems to want you to adapt to what he wants in his life. But, what about what you want? Do you want to not have children? It may be okay now as long as you are with him, but what happens if the relationship ends, and you cannot have children because it is too late? Also Missy, I have to say that if you like and love yourself, then you are never alone. You do not need a partner to complete you. A relationship/marriage/commitment should be someone who enhances your life. I think you need to have some therapy on your own to see where you are in your life. He basically knows what he wants and doesn't want and seems like he wants you to fit right into that. JMHO
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 9:30 am
<<Why am I left feeling so horrible?>> Because you are now clearly seeing that this relationship is based on conditions...HIS conditions. Here's what I'd do:

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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 9:44 am
Oh Missy, I echo what the others are saying. It's time to move on. You are unhappy because this relationship is all about him, what he wants, and keeping him happy. Do you really think if you are still with this guy 5 or 10 years from now that you'll be happy??? You're 32 and you still have time to get out there and meet someone who will want the same things out of life as you do. Someone who will support you and be in a partnership with you, not someone who manipulates you into doing what he wants and keeping him happy. Like Ginger said, being alone is not horrible if you are happy with yourself. I think you should go to counseling alone, not with him. I don't think he's any good for you. Just how much older is he? Sounds like he's just ready to settle into a hum-drum life. You're still young and have so much adventure ahead of you.
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 11:12 am
I'm 32 and he is 39... I came from a past where I was abused. Not that it is an excuse, just afraid I'm falling into a situation where I'm not being treated properly because of how I was treated in the past. I'm definitely going to counselling. At the very least I can talk to someone unbiased. Right now I just have him and my mother.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 11:17 am
being in a relationship and feeling lonely is much worse than being alone.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 11:19 am
Wow, Missy -- he's 39 and already a grandparent. I'm sorry to hear you were abused in the past. I hope you get some clarity in counseling. It is troubling that you feel you only have him and your mom. Do you have other friends at work? Do you have any hobbies that you could cultivate and make some friends that way? I know it is hard to get out there and do that. It takes a lot of time to meet people. Years ago I was quite alone after breaking up with a boyfriend. I started taking dance lessons. It took a long time to meet people, but I kept at it and now, 15 years later, some of my best friends are people I met through dance.

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Ginger1218
Member
08-31-2001
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 11:34 am
Missy, you also have yourself, and that should be the most important person.
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 12:16 pm
Missy, this next decision you're gonna make is gonna be a hard one. I went through this several years ago. My boyfriend at the time and I were really in love and I could see a long, long future with him. But, he wanted kids, and I wasn't sure I'd ever want kids. And we couldn't be sure that if I ever changed my mind, it would be because I did want 'em, and not cause he did. Since I've not wanted kids since, well, since I was 15, we kinda knew our answer. And so we ended our relationship, knowing that it was the right thing to do, but also feeling really badly about it. Sometimes, it's the right guy but it's not the right time. And having kids or not... that's not something you can or should compromise on. It's almost a recipe for failure (or at least, for a lot of resentment at some point in the future).
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 3:52 pm
Helloooo, the part that really bothers me is that he's giving you ultimatums NOW - barely days after surgery? Excuse me but that's not endearing me to the fellow right now and I've tried to be openminded and see him from your point of view. But right now I'm seeing red on your behalf.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 4:17 pm
(((Missy))) Sorry if I sounded so harsh towards him, but I've calmed down somewhat... What I meant to say is that at this point in time, a few mere days after surgery you need care, compassion and kindness, not ultimatums and emotional stress. His insecurities, demands, whatever can be dealt with at a more appropriate time, IMHO.
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Ginger1218
Member
08-31-2001
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 4:30 pm
I need Mameblanche to move here and always be on my side. LOL
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 5:50 pm
I scheduled an appt for counselling (alone). It won't be until mid-November but I definitely need it. I know I have a lot of unresolved stuff. I've always felt like if you live your life today and enjoy the moments it was all you needed but maybe I do need to deal with the past to make sure I don't dig myself into similar bad situations. I'm also looking into volunteering at the local shelter and / or taking an art class. To give myself something to do other than working and going home. Thanks again everyone I really appreciate it. Overall, my emotions / hormones are starting to feel back to normal. I feel like my decision was the right one even though it reallllly hurts. We are still hashing out our feelings, even though I know how I feel. When I met with the counselor at the clinic she also recommended further counselling and basically agreed that I had a lot of changes that I needed to make in my life and obviously he was one of them.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 10:22 pm
Best wishes to you, Missy2. I think you are on the right path with getting the counseling and listening to opinions here. You will end up doing what is right for you.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 11:06 pm
Thx Ginge! (((Missy)))
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Monday, November 05, 2007 - 11:42 pm
Those sound like good plans, Missy. I would observe how supportive he is, or isn't, of your singular efforts to help yourself. I don't know if he tends to isolate you or keep you to himself but that isn't unusual and if you were abused as a child you had some "training" that could slant you to accepting demands a bit more than most. I know that from my own experience. Anyway, I'm glad you are talking to and have future plans to talk to counselors.
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 6:39 am
Sadly the isolation is ME not him. He's very social and has a lot of friends. I'm not so much and have a hard time trusting people. I know he will be supportive just because it is how he is. He really does have good points just has some really bad ones too.
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Twiggyish
Member
08-14-2000
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 8:14 am
It sounds like you both have different ideas of the future. ((Missy))
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 8:58 am
I'll tell you its really weird. We talked about it and I told him how I felt. He made a fuss about knowing either way then dropped it! Now he is acting like nothing ever happened. I have a feeling if I want to leave its going to have to be a note and leaving during the day while he's gone. Even though I'm trying to be rational about it…its like he doesn't get it…like this is MY fault?!
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Twiggyish
Member
08-14-2000
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 2:02 pm
Missy, I could be wrong, but it seems like there are a lot people who are good at avoiding issues. I guess they think if they avoid it that it will go away. Sadly, it sounds like he is one of them. It seems like you are already alone emotionally, because he's not there for you. On the other hand, SOME men are more emotionally detached. They aren't as in tune with feelings. However, the issue of children is a huge one. If he doesn't want them, and you do want them eventually, it could cause a major rift down the road. It could be a problem for your future children (should you have them with him) if he's as detached with them as he is with you. This is especially true if he didn't want them in the first place.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 4:08 pm
So, Missy When are you going to realize this guy is not the one for you? Sure, you could drag it out and spend another couple of years getting older, more jaded, and then finding it just that much harder to walk away, or you could rip the band-aid now and do what's best for YOU for once.
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Cinnamongirl
Member
01-10-2001
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 4:29 pm
(((Missy))) So many tough life decisions all at once. Makes it hard.. You just have to go with your gut. I did, hardest decision ever cuz it would have been so easy to stay, so comfortable...but I would always have wanted and deserved more. You deserve more. Counselling can help you so much, I'm happy to hear you're going.
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Nyheat
Member
08-09-2006
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 4:38 pm
Hi Missy--I don't have a lot of relationship experience, it's true. I think I'm spinster material, seriously, like the old lady who throws cats at people on the Simpsons. But I enjoy my solitude and I think everyone can use a bit of being alone, if even for a few months. My sister is a serial dater--she cannot or will not leave a relationship until another one is waiting in the wings. My only, limited, answer to you is to possibly seek out a bigger dating pool in a bigger town. The more dating choices you have, the less you may feel like this is your last and only chance.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 4:41 pm
((( Missy )))) It's always hardest to make a decision if a relationship isn't all good or all bad - and of course most of them are neither. Ultimately, like your choice about whether you should continue the pregnancy or not, it must be your choice. Sometimes you can only figure that out by digging into your own psyche, about what keeps you there (both good and bad), and that can take time. It also sounds like his communication and listening skills could use some finetuning as well. Good luck to both of you.
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