Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 09, 2007 - 4:55 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 9, 2007 All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. Sir Winston Churchill ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Always attach a paper moustache to your face before attempting to scrub a 3 inch egg with a sardine. The rules are clearly written in black and white. Its just a case of following them. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Perhaps playing a musical turnip through your nose will teach you the correct way to pronounce the word "Ptaaang!" in Belgian. You should avoid changing your name to Horace and giving people bits of coloured string Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Why not write to your local government and demand that they draw mallards on your cheeks with a purple gluestick. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Fire, brimstone and the devil none of these will get in your way as you chase your way through beelzebub's lair in order to land yourself the prize catch you aim for. One of the problems with getting your own way with love is that sometimes you have to be a bit evil. Thing is - you're a natural, that's all. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Blimey, you ain't harf as wot you used to, ain't it? Position yourself well, for the revolution is almost here. Try to avoid being too close to walls. Opening up to a close friend will probably be the worst thing you could do, in your situation. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may start to question evolution today, and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award. Duty calls, and your duty is to make people aware that you are not who they think you are. Nor are they who they think they themselves are. You are easily replaced - don't take your boots off. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You love messing around with your friend's head by hatching from lemons and squawking like a parrot. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The next magazine you read will contain an article about panpipes. Afterwards, you will be able to toss bananas at an extremely high speed - make sure you aim them at tadpoles! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may be feeling angry and little bit upset after seeing daffodils growing out of your nostrils this morning. This is a sign from Uranus and it basically means you should eat more mushrooms. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight." You should be ashamed of yourself. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Go into a Saturn dealership today and demand a car with wings and a propeller. Angrily state, "I thought you were a different kind of company with a different kind of car! Geez!"
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 16, 2007 - 4:01 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 16, 2007 As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it. Mahatma Gandhi -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your aim to drink 10-15 litres of water today may come crashing down on you when you're stuck in traffic later this week. Aries (March 21 - April 19) The next person to offer you advice will have a secret agenda that you ought to be wary of. Your learning may give you cause to grieve today as you are unable to stop local flooding using trigonometry alone. You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous sex or violence Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A potential mate will come to you today and destroy your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Thinking and driving at the same time can be hazardous for you today. Taking a bit-part in a local theatre production may help you get out and start living a lie. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Your favourite phrase today will be "I'll do it!" and "Wow, I've never seen...well, anything like... Wow!" Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The way you dance around the office may cause some to question certain parts of your personal life. Libra (September 23 - October 22) Excellent day to study paleontology, or possibly to go bowling. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) . Express yourself, do a backflip, try to do the splits. Dance and the world will be yours. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The best of excuses are those that are plausible (so, not ones that involve you, super-powers and hordes of sexy friends). Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day. * Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Having had a taste of victory last week, this week may seem like the ideal opportunity to go wild. Today might see a need for you to call attention to yourself, and we're always happy to recommend faxing semi-nude pictures of yourself to random numbers. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never wear a pink hat with purple suspenders."
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 23, 2007 - 4:27 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 23, 2007 "I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?" Death thought about it "Cats," he said eventually, "Cats are Nice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Make more time for the simple pleasures in life. Its true that fog attracts clowns which is why a close encounter with a stick of celery could end in disaster. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You can impress many chimps by shoving apple peel up your nose and rolling around the floor screaming, "Cornflakes are lovely!". Empty your left pocket in case a marmoset wants to hop in it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) There are some countries in the world where major decisions are made according to the size and shape of George Clooney's right arm. Learn from this as you never know when you may need to hide your collection of Brad Pitt dolls in a heap of mouldy duck feathers Libra (September 22 - October 22) You may be feeling sporty today but don't spend all that money on new sports gear and equipment. You are likely to lose interest in this new found "passion" within 20 days. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst tomorrow possible. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains or becomes slightly colder than usual. Or if you happen to be caught out whilst parading naked around your local shopping centre. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Life throws us all crazy things now and then. Like swords made of ham. And dogs on skateboards. Every time you tap a key on your keyboard, you are secretly filling in a membership form to a random society. Each week henceforth you will receive a newsletter from said society, explaining your duties and sign-up fees. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, March 31, 2007 - 2:56 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, March 31, 2007 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A stupidity warning should awaken your senses. Find 12 cricket bats and use them to build a spaceship Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your lucky goat name for today is: Penelope. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The effects of Mars will make you behave extra nice towards fish and scream angrily at bald pickpockets who try and steal your collection of whales which live in your VW BUS. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are fully aware of people fastening tomato soup to their heads with velcro. This should not concern a healthy Leo like yourself because soon your eyes will become fog machines and will build robot jackals wherever bacteria is present. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A special someone will furnish you with a gift today. All signs point to it being a single shoe, possibly a brogue. Partner someone in a dance today and you'll feel fantastic for at least a week. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will find that your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are. The way that aliens think is none of your business Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. This horoscope was sponsored by Toast. Don't be in the market for any of what anyone is selling. The day is as long as the night. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Cup holders are terribly romantic so if you're in doubt you can always send one of those to your beaux this birthday. Guaranteed to help you receive love. Love does hide in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the stranges places you've ever heard Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) . Horseshoes are not to be taken lightly, so beware of anything which quacks twice.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, April 04, 2007 - 3:19 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, April 4, 2007 Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity. Christopher Morley (1890 - 1957) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Money makes the world go round only in a metaphorical sense. Now that you understand that, try not to embarrass yourself in front of other by declaring that other metaphorical phrases are indeed based on science and physics Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The Americanisation of many words often gets you angry. However, don't get upset about such trivial things - it is evolution of a sort and doesn't actually affect you in the slightest. Color center Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Artifacts that appear on your eyeballs are an after-effect of going out on the razzle for 4 nights running Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A shock will overwhelm you, that day you discover that green paint is not as potent as beans. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The incredible temperature will affect today in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off - the difficulty is that the fog of mystery surrounds you. I guess what I'm saying is that it will be hot or cold. Or possibly somewhere in between Libra (September 22 - October 22) When there's work to be done, there's no shame in procrastination. You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help). Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A great day for dipping things in chocolate. See if you can dip an object over fifty pounds in the delicious brown stuff. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A great day to buy a spice rack! Even if you already have several. Because you can never, ever have enough spice racks. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. -------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, April 09, 2007 - 3:04 pm
The Daily Humorscope Education is the best provision for the journey to old age. Aristotle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Shallow puddles may deceive you today. Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day. * This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz, or the Communist Party. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) 7. For no reason, I'm just going to throw the number 7 at you. SEVEN. A nearby construction company may approach you this morning in an attempt to fool you into thinking that the world is about to explode Libra (September 22 - October 22) Why not grin like a Cheshire cat? But don't talk like him - that'll just alienate yourself from everyone who could love you. And who wouldn't love you? Huh? Who? No-one, cos you're ace. It's a funny old world so you have to be wary of the people close by you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you haven't started working out yet, then theres no better time than now. Perhaps you could borrow a few cheese graters off a friend and take a bath in celery juice Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Avoid restraining yourself when it comes the simple pleasures in life. You ma find that you really enjoy hicupping whilst walking backwards at 200mph. This should not be frowned upon, even if you hate peanuts. Do not worry if people mistake your bones for sausages as this will actually make you look super sexy! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Go to Ikea and spend lots of money on dog food. Venus has entered the 4th phase and this will really help boost your sex appeal when in the presence of aliens. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A good way to show your friends you love them, would be to hatch from a lemon whilst they are not looking and saw off all their tentacles. -
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, April 13, 2007 - 4:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, April 13, 2007 Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882), Letters and Social Aims: The Comic, 1876 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Taurans love nothing better than eating chocolate while gently swinging back and forth in one of those rocky-type chairs some people have in their backyards or on their porches like in the Waltons. Chocolate with whole nuts in, however, is ill starred this month, especially around the 16th when there is a 76% chance of choking, especially when swinging back and forth. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A hat, which has previously been a reliable favorite, will cause considerable grief when it flops outrageously down around your ears at a social occasion possibly involving horses or gerbils. Make light of this and you will profit financially, win new friends and transform your social circle in ways unbelievable to you as you read this - pull a pissy fit, however, and you are set for stardom and outrageously satisfying sex for the rest of your life. The choice is yours. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) There are days in your life when you succeed without even trying, this month there are no less than 7 of them. Enjoy 5,7,12,13,14,15, and especially 27th if you work in a chemists or sex shop. This number of lucky days is a record for any star sign so make the most of it. This will not occur for another 26,745,765 years Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A message from 'the other side' will break through to your reality this month in the shape of a hippopotamus wearing pink shoes. Beware of pottery based gift shops with farmyard arrangements in the window and postal offers that allow you to pay in monthly installments over three months Libra (September 22 - October 22) A waitress you tip generously will bless you in church on Sunday, giving you a better than average chance of winning the lottery the following Saturday. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The flowers in the garden of springtime glisten invitingly and you may feel the urge to strip off all your clothing before running with carefree abandon bare-footedly through the meadows. However, there are more eyes watching than even you could possibly imagine and the incident will not go unnoticed especially by Jupiter and at least three of its moons. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This month your lucky fruit may be a raspberry, your chart is not clear - it could easily be a woolen hat. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A cat will challenge you to draw moustaches on penguins. A little healthy competition never hurt anyone so its best you joined in the fun and games Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 9:48 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, April 21, 2007 When aiming for greatness, set your sights to "better than greatness"...and when you fail like a miserable shit, you'll at least be able to blame it on trying too hard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone called Dave will contact you in the next couple of days. He will make you an offer you can refuse. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Any advice given to you today will seem like poppycock, and it probably is. A flurry of exclamation marks will come back to haunt you later this month as an email comes true.!!!! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Why not grin like a Cheshire cat? But don't talk like him - that'll just alienate yourself from everyone who could love you. And who wouldn't love you? Huh? Who? No-one, cos you're ace. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Ten people will confess a manic love for you today. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) When aiming for greatness, set your sights to "better than greatness"...and when you fail like a miserabley, you'll at least be able to blame it on trying too hard. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your package will arrive today, delivered by an expected person. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscop Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You must learn to let go. Unless, of course, you are hanging off a cliff by a branch, like Sarge in the old "Beetle Bailey" comic strip. . Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Feel good about yourself today. Prance around singing "tra-la-la!" until someone calls the police Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Make a modern art sculpture out of frozen vegetables. Try to sell it to passers
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 3:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, April 24, 2007 By health I mean the power to live a full, adult, living, breathing life in close contact with... the earth and the wonders thereof - the sea - the sun. Katherine Mansfield (1888 - 1923) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You could the day to solve spiritual problems. Find an acorn, paint it pink, hold it tight, close your eyes and think of antelopes wearing woolly hats. Just clear your mind and hold that thought for at least an hour. Learn to appreciate mud, tears and lightning. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) All the goats in the world are learning to play the kazoo using their tails. This should not distract you from wrestling midgets in bikinis and searching for woolly mammoths within small cracks in the pavement. Mercury has distracted you from the presence of dried glue. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You might find you start aching below the knee, today. The SQL Database you are trying to access is flummoxed. Are you sure you want to know your future Libra (September 23 - October 22) You are a carrier bag and life is one big supermarket. Now you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12". That's as exciting as it gets. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Neptune is currently aligned with the Earth which means farting on a hat and rolling around the floor could bring about some really strange experiences. It may not be sufficient enough to bring you lots of money but at least you will grow back 30 of your lost fingernails. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Mars is in line with Venus which means you should wrap a flute in toilet paper and ask your Grandma to dip it in vegetable oil for good luck. This act of kindness will bring many lobsters to your doorstep who will be happy to tap-dance for you in exchange for nine-nine bottles of beer. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Now is a good time to plan a lot of surprises! Start an eBay auction and pretend you are selling a tub of vaseline. Stuff yourself inside a giant envelope and mail yourself out to the winning bidder.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 02, 2007 - 4:06 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 2, 2007 It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Aristotle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Love may be in the air for one lucky person tonight! If you feel like you're struggling to go ahead with the rest of the world, sit down, relax and perhaps watch some day time television. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't take everything you have for granted - insure everything for 125% of the original cost. Go with the flow and let people take advantage of you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) I breed germs" is not a good way to answer the company telephone. Even if your company is called "I Breed Germs". The right moment could grab you at any moment. Don't be in the market for any of what anyone is selling. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Most of what you do may be questioned this week - however, you will fly through those questions with ease and be praised for your general application. Today you will find that your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are. Even in the darkest places you can find yourself - although you may break your nose on a door. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Employee of the month awards carry a penalty - the penalty of ridicule. The food of love is music, only if it's Phil Collins and he's feeding you some kind of grapes whilst offering many of his nieces to you Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Electrical things will cause a problem for you today. With every passing moment you are wasting away your life reading nonsense on websites. In many ways you should really go now, but instead you're fascination by this crazy online world of surreal shenanigans. Oooh like, there's a little birdie!...oh no, sorry, it's an email. What's prettier, eh? You silly online surfing human person! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to make as much chocolate fudge as possible. Tomorrow is a good day to donate said chocolate fudge. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Dishonesty can result in your mother demanding you send her several giant turnips via blue-tooth. Its always good to suspect the butler.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 03, 2007 - 3:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 3, 2007 Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) When opening the door for a stranger, take care to notice any loose change that they may drop so that you can slam the door in their face, grab the money, and then run for dear life. I sense a feeling of delight in you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) When hankering for some food you may decide to experiment with various plants - avoid those with 3 leaves. Be playful at heart and you'll reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Artifacts that appear on your eyeballs are an after-effect of going out on the razzle for 4 nights running. Weather can change in an instant, so be prepared for every eventuality today. Even and especially if that means dressing up in 3 different types of clothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) . You may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Alf. The media will try to control your life today. Many congratulations! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Try to absorb plants into your skin in order to make yourself into some kind of Marvel Super Hero. Waiting for important email will take precedent over waiting for junk mail for the first time today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Monkeys may go nuts for bananas, but Nutters don't give a monkeys about going bananas. This may be important for you to remember. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as you'll need it sometime around 4pm. Today might surprise you by quickly changing the colour of the clouds perhaps for up to 10 seconds. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Any rumours you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. An application to receive an award from a website may go very successfully today
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 11, 2007 - 3:04 pm
{The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 11, 2007 When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Be careful when you shop for frogskin chin warmers as they may revoke your license to intimidate cheese with bits of wire. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Great ideas alone do not make you someone special. Creamed corn is your friend. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be singing a Barry Manilow song whilst driving with your convertible top down and wearing nothing but a purple fedora and pink leotard, and be filmed. It will be on the 11pm news, watch for it! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Be nice to gooseberries but be sure you keep slapping your Uncle's scalp and spitting in his tomato soup. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your career will soar as you discover the joys of playing the banjo with your armpits. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Libra (September 23 - October 22) Just think - can you really sell lumps of flint to a fisherman and demand he catch you an electric eel? Its these kinds of ethics which can insult a Koala bear and force him to slap your face with a rubber glove, to regain his honour Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The odds that you'll escape today without a serious injury, are incalculable. Seek advice from someone older today in order to avoid making a fool of yourself. The chance for change has long since left you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your people need you, you must fight for their freedom. Don your leotards and get out there! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Although you have been getting gradually more and more tired over the last few days, you'll find new energy this weekend.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 18, 2007 - 4:04 pm
The Humorscope Friday, May 18, 2007 We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. Albert Einstein ------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You deserve praise for your excellent work. All for which you have fought will be lost if you cannot control your tears. Wise words which may be applicable. The phenomenon of time standing still may occur to you numerous times today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Hit it all you want, but the elevator will take as long as it will take no matter how forcefully you press the button. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Assume everyone's an idiot today and you may find yourself being patronising and brilliantly witty. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope. Leo (July 23 - August 22) The way you dance around the office may cause some to question certain parts of your personal life. Chunks of meat will plague you today...or give you the plague. The mystics are being terribly vague on this one. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Any jamborees you attend today are likely to be fun-filled as well as informative. Paper with little squiggles on it will find its way into your pocket today. Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts with ice-cream and bacon bits may revive them, to an extent. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your legs look nice today. Show them off in some kind of very short skirt that nearly shows your organy-bits. Yes Derek, I'm talking to you! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You're as transparent as a blast of canned air - try to be more complex by wearing hats that are clearly too small for your head. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Animated movies, especially Looney Tunes or early Donald Ducks, will provide moments of mirth around the 19th. After watching these you will feel strangely drawn to the outdoors life and especially the woods. Either you are easily suggestible, or you are turning into Elmar Fudd. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today your lucky fruit will be plums. Your lucky pastry will be short crust. Try to make all of your important life decisions while eating homemade plum pie.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 28, 2007 - 11:29 am
The Humorscope Monday, May 28, 2007 } Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. Steve Jobs (1955 - ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooooo!". There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there too. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Clowns with pickaxes will haunt your dreams tonight and will affect you at around mid-morning the following day. The effect of such dreams will cause you to a) be tired, b) look startled when people slam the door, or c) be nice to any clowns you meet Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The word "Terry" will be important today for reasons that are as perplexing to us as they will be to you. In fact, we estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion today will be caused by the very idea that "Terry" will be important, today. Leo (July 23 - August 22) The computer you are trying to access has forbidden you entry as it deems your horoscope too scary. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Be playful at heart and you'll reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Today will be a day like any other. If there's one thing you can take for granted this week, it's that things cannot be taken for granted. Libra (September 22 - October 22) When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, if today's "life's problem" is that you stepped in lots of dog poo, please try not to kick so wildly. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your favourite phrase today will be "I'll do it!" and "Wow, I've never seen...well, anything like... Wow!" Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Peaches and cream - if only more things were like these two beautiful, oft-paired, delights. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will today be unveiled as a fraud. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The best way to fool a man into giving away a biscuit is to let him know that you know where it's been. Don't give any details, just let it casually be known that you "know where it's been". How is this relevant to you today? You'll see. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable.
|
Grooch
Member
06-16-2006
| Monday, May 28, 2007 - 11:36 am
Oh, lordy! I'm going to a party today and the girl's name is Terry who is hosting it and she is a bit of a nut. lol!
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 28, 2007 - 12:04 pm
LOL I thought you were going to mention the pickaxe in gemini's horoscope which is lance's sign. 
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, May 29, 2007 - 4:21 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, May 29, 2007 "While it is well enough to leave footprints on the sands of time, it is even more important to make sure they point in a commendable direction." James Branch Cabell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People older than you often ask your opinion because you are a trend setter and a marvellous role model for society in general. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Testing times will appear over the next week to have destroyed any hope you had with a particular someone. If those testing times are actually "exams" and the particular someone is a pupil of yours who now hates you for setting ridiculously hard questions, this is almost certainly for the best. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) scientists have found out that when the wind changes, your face doesn't get locked in its current position - this knowledge may serve you well. Money is literally no object for you this week as you lose all your money. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Gurning championships are no place for someone like you and yet you'll be tempted to find out not only *what* they are, in detail, but where they take place, entry fees, and who in your family has a talent for gurning. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) When hankering for some food you may decide to experiment with various plants - avoid those with 3 leaves. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelace and stare at a friend's crotch Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Get used to seeing bruises over the next few days as you and furniture begin not seeing eye to eye. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Mars is having difficulty settling and this means your Grandmother's false teeth are likely to cause forest fires.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 30, 2007 - 4:30 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 30, 2007 I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane. Ray Bradbury (1920 - ), Fahrenheit 451, 1953 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains or becomes slightly colder than usual. Or if you happen to be caught out whilst parading naked around your local shopping centre. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The older you get the more you're starting to realise that everyone else is an idiot. Food is a cheap source of food. Eat well. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Install that software, make it a priority! (Don't blame us if your computer starts dissolving) Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Sweet, sticky, orange stuff. Possibly marmalade or an orange lolly. We're not quite sure what it is, or what it has to do with you today...but it definitely features. If you don't like orange - don't panic! It might taste like something completely different, like sausages. Or beans. Yes, it could be beans. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Panic. Or at least, flail your arms about. The future does not look good, rosy, happy or full of pixies dancing and prancing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Ten to one may seem like fair odds, but then how likely are you to be able to successfully breed Pandas with Llamas (a Panama). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't shun your naked body, express yourself in lots of new happy naked ways.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 31, 2007 - 5:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 31, 2007 Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise." - Anon. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Woody Woodpecker, the popular cartoon bird from times past, is about to enter your life again in a mysterious circumstance. Buy too many nuts next time you are at a pet store Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The belly dancers you have booked for a bachelor party will prove highly popular with the intended audience, although not with a group of girl guides who wanted to use the changing rooms at the time. Help bridge the gap by promising to buy 10 boxes of cookies from the fat spotty grumpy looking one. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Love is like a big joke where the punchline doesn't make any sense. Because even after your friends explain it to you it still won't make any sense. But it'll happen and it'll make you feel pretty good about yourself. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A game of touch football will have lasting repercussions on the 16th. Your version of the game will later be renamed 'slap football' and one day is set to become as popular as the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your car was spotted deftly weaving in between cones on the highway in February. A recording of this brilliant moment in driving history may now come back to haunt you in an unexpected way. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A planetary alignment could spell doom for any nighttime driving in the forest. Beware moose, buffalo, deer, depending on which country you drive in. Be especially on the alert for hunters looking for adventure in middle age. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will stumble over the next big thing - catching stuff. Prepare a detailed business plan and present this to your local bank - they will give you a very preferential loan - luckily for you, your bank manager is a skydiver under the influence of Venus.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 08, 2007 - 3:53 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 8, 2007 It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Aristotle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The food of love is music, only if it's Phil Collins and he's feeding you some kind of grapes whilst offering many of his Gold Records to you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Most of what you do may be questioned this week - however, you will fly through those questions with ease and be praised for your general application. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Liven up your day by putting party balloons all around your desk. Smile and tell people you have no idea who gave them to you or why(even tho the balloon reads Happy 50th Denise! Libra (September 23 - October 22) All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Skeletons in your closet are a sign that you have an eventful life and are nothing to be embarrassed about. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The screaming of multiplication tables during love-making may help you temper yourself but is also likely to alienate your partner who will assume that your heart really isn't in it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A potential mate will come to you today and destroy your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils. Your future may well rely on the kindness of others and your ability to fight your way to the front of a queue. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Deja vu is the feeling that someone's patronised you before (often by telling you what deja vu means). What happened yesterday was beyond your control. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A man will knock your door and try to sell you peanuts. Instead of painting his hands and feet green, you should offer him glue and ferrets. This should help balance out your life. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Pluto has entered the 5th house which could spell disaster for your finances. Stuff a few kilos of saccharin in your napsack if you want to guarantee your safety ------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 19, 2007 - 4:18 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, June 19, 2007 Just living is not enough... One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. Hans Christian Anderson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Whilst this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time today. Oh yes she is. A very nice time. And a good time will be had by all, possibly. Especially if your name is Margaret. Or Marge. Or Maggie. Or Mildred. Or Lucy. Or Jeff. Or Dave. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your irrelevance becomes clear today and you will feel a new sense of freedom. Lorry loads of plastic fake dog-poo may dump itself in front of your house today, making it very difficult for cars to pass Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude. However, please be aware that semi-nude does not necessarily mean just clothed top-halves Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... Leo (July 23 - August 22) During the week things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering "Have you had a haircut?" "Facelift?" "Liposuction?". The truth will be much simpler and more exciting than they could possibly understand. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Jumping up and down is great fun and encouraging others to do so is a fine way to make friends and see wobbling breasts. Today will make it hard for you to make any sense of roofle wimblipickstone. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your favourite sources of protein may dry up later tomorrow, so remember to eat lots of eggs RIGHT NOW! The age you should be acting like is written on the soles of your shoes. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 21, 2007 - 3:11 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 21, 2007 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's time to get out that favourite clothing and tart yourself up till you smell like...well, a bottle of nice smells. Oh yes, the time is upon you and you will succeed. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The best of excuses are those that are plausible (so, not ones that involve you, super-powers and hordes of sexy friends). Spank yourself silly today because you're been VERY VERY bad. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) it's tasty, then lap it up. If not, don't. This is the best course of action for this week. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Opportunity is waiting round every corner. All you've got to do is catch up with him, put him in a big box and beat him with big sticks Libra (September 22 - October 22) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A negative conjunction with Saturn suggests problems with your knees. Ensure enough ointment is on hand especially if the cracking sound coming from your legs can be heard over the speedboat's engine... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Robots tend to have more luck than you at finding love. This week will see no alteration of that sad fact, however, it is possible that a robot may fall in love with you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The Sun is expected to add spice into your life when an unlikely career development presents itself in the form of what looks like a small furry animal. Accept this development with glee, although do not part with any of your savings until you have in your possession at least three of the pictures of your boss in the promised, incriminating, position of 'triple licky lust'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, June 30, 2007 - 12:21 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, June 30, 2007 " "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and a lot of theft. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Most of your dreams will come true over the coming fortnight, so prepare for wealth, health and happiness, you lucky dog. It may seem unrelated to your day so far, but remember: the world loves a jerk Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!" Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Here's a handy hint: If you're smuggling drugs, take some catnip - Dogs love that stuff too Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may think later this month that your computer has been hacked by some 12 year old American girl. However, you will soon come to realise that actually a family pet has chewed through the cord of your mouse Libra (September 22 - October 22) This week, Microsoft Word may define your grammar as "poorly constructed" and full of "run on sentences". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The thought of you losing your mind is making you lose your mind. If you ever get out of that hole, the chances are that you're still going to be a neurotic plague of badness Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Buy a lovely shoe tree and attempt to plant it in your front yard. Water it frequently, asking your neighbors when the shoes are supposed to bud. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) great day to start a charity project, such as asking everyone to mail you the "care" labels from their clothes. Vow to sew a quilt out of these labels that will benefit those who have no clothes.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 07, 2007 - 3:27 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 7, 2007 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you. You will find a butterfly in your face some time this week. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Mars will reserve a lot of copper pipes for you if you just take a little time to befriend a burping goat. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try to avoid gutting a fish and screaming at the same time. This can be very distressing to Neptune and you may end up really enjoying staring at snails. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If you can fit in this week, you'll know that your work is done. Any long-lasting thoughts about colours will fade later today. Fuchsia will be your colour of choice. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In the grand scheme of things, today rates as a 0.001. The capital of you is your heart - never forget that. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Try to understand wooden spoons as much as possible and your life will be amazing.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 19, 2007 - 6:21 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 19, 2007 The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes Gary Larson Y Aries (March 21 - April 19) You can expect insincere gestures of friendliness today. Keep calm. Someone around you is bouncing off the walls. Problems with financial investments could make you nervous Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Uh-oh. Somebody found out where that last arrow landed. Expect a visit from Oliver Stone. And beware of the Great Green Dragon. A last-minute reprieve comes from a Piscean, possibly the one you drowned last month Cancer (June 21 - July 22) On a more positive note: your lucky number for this week is 11.3. Being the only sign to get your very own number assigned to you at all, you're currently the envy of every other star sign in at least one respect Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are a bit forgetful, aren't you? You should thank whosoever reminded you to read this wonderful webpage on my behalf if not your own. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In a dream you are Jane Fonda starring in a revolutionary fitness video. This may or may not mean you are pregnant. Hey, I can't know everything! Libra (September 23 - October 22) Good day for a nice nap. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. insults
|
|
|
|