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Dfennessey
Member
07-25-2004
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 1:11 pm
my point is, that no one should have an influence of a what her decision is. If she wanted another child (she already had 2 by the second abortion) she should have told her mother it was her choice to raise them without the help of anyone.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 1:14 pm
Oh, I C and ITA. From what I read above: I want to have a baby Stop there, that's what matters. If we waited until we were ready, most of us wouldn't be here.
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Dfennessey
Member
07-25-2004
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 1:30 pm
exactly Escapee, no one should change your mind. If that is what they want. Have the baby. I think that if you ask any parent they will tell you that they made mistakes along the way, but as long as you give it your best.
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Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 1:59 pm
It seems like there is a lot of anti-abortion sentiment in here, and Missy, please know that abortion is STILL an option to you, no matter how many people are in here advocating against it. I urge you again to please try tune all of us out, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make a decision that is right in YOUR eyes, not everyone else's. We have several counselors on here that would tell you it is very hard to give unbiased advice, but our advice here is clouded with bias whether we want to admit it or not. I do however agree with the person who reminded you that abortion earlier in the pregnancy is less traumatic (physically AND emotionally) than later on. It is better to make a decision sooner than later. Even STRESS acts as a teratogen, which can harm the baby's development, and stress in the first trimester is especially damaging. You should try to decide to keep it or get rid of it soon, so even if you decide to keep it, you're not dealing with the stress of making the decision anymore. Please try to see a counselor at the free clinic to help you emotionally deal with your situation. You'd be amazed at how much a counselor can help.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 3:32 pm
Twinkie posted the post I wish I'd had the guts to write. And Eeyore is one of the wisest people I've ever met on this subject. Personally I don't think this thread is a forum to debate the issues pro-or-con birth or abortion. We have a gal here who most of us have promised not to judge, and who I believe just wants to feel she has somewhere to express herself, so perhaps she can sort out her feelings, with gentle caring input from us, so she doesn't feel alone right now. But also I believe she may get her answers primarily from simply reading her own words and seeing her own situation clearly, in black and white. I have no problem with someone passionate on the subject, pro or con, creating a debate thread about it, (Although for personal reasons I don't see myself participating in it. I don't have the stomach for such a contentious topic.) Missy if you choose to have this baby, and are excited at the prospect of a lovely, surprise gift of a child at this point in your life I am behind you 100 percent! And look forward to volunteering to being the child's Aunty Mamers! If you feel you have the strength to carry this child and to share it with a loving adoptive home, I am behind you 100 percent. Some of the most terrific, loving, generous of spirit people I know are either adoptees or adoptive parents. BUT if you truly feel after weighing and measuring everything and balancing the pros and cons of your situation and you decide to terminate the pregnancy, then please be mindful of the fact the first trimester is optimal for abortion, for all the reasons stated in other posts. I've been a TVCH member for years, and this is the most difficult subject for me to speak out on, bar none. I must be honest and admit that when I merely posted I was pro-choice a while ago in another thread I got stomped. So I retreated to lick my wounds and promised myself never to stick my neck out on this subject again. But I cannot turn my back on someone in pain, especially if I am empathising with them. Once again, it's Twinkie's post that has spurred this post from me. I am in awe. She really did write, EXACTLY what I wrote here for you several times since my first post to you, but never had the guts to hit the send button... til now.
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 5:24 pm
I appreciate the opinions expressed here and I feel that everyone has a right to believe in what they want. Mostly, I do appreciate the support and understanding. Thank you for letting me speak my mind and heart! And for being so understanding. Everyone here has been great.
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Ddr
Member
08-19-2001
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 5:39 pm
I wish you peace with your decision Missy.
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 6:02 pm
I'm not seeing either a lot of anti-abortion sentiment, nor judgemental posting here. I see people answering Missy's question, offering opinions for her to think about. Since Missy asked for opinions, by the nature of her issue it certainly does become a forum to debate issues in order for her to see all of the options. If honesty doesn't come easily and posts are self-moderated due to fears of rebuttal, then what is the point of posting? Missy has been given pros and cons for having the baby and not having the baby, for adopting the baby out, and for dumping her boyfriend. Missy needs neither sympathy nor empathy here, just honest posts with various viewpoints from which to draw her own conclusion. Looking back to your original post Missy, I believe that you said you had found some joy in the pregnancy, along with some concern for the lack of said joy by the boyfriend. Your decision will probably come more from your heart than your head, and that's probably a good thing.
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Nyheat
Member
08-09-2006
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 10:49 pm
Hi Missy..do you have a folder? Wishing you well. Sorry for the cheesy graphic but good luck with everything.

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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 10:53 pm
Agreed with Huk that I am not seeing anti-abortion sentiment here. I am seeing a thoughtful argument for an alternative from a person who this year achieved her dream of being able to have another child through adoption. Even in this microcosm of a universe we have people who would give almost anything to be able to raise a healthy adopted child. For the record, I am very strong pro-choice. For the record, I am delighted beyond belief that Julieboo got the baby she was supposed to have. And it turned out to be through adoption. And agreed with MB's heartfelt post. This place is a very good sounding board with a lot of open-minded people who will give both sides of almost any discussion. Did I already state I would dump the guy and have a heart-to-heart with Mom? I am not a Mom, but I am old, and I know a whole lot of stuff younger people don't know. So does your Mom. Talk to her.

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Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 11:58 pm
Mame, GREAT post. I was reading and applauding your words. Personally, I do feel some people's posts are a bit "value-laden" and I don't think value-laden posts are really giving advice, but more giving OPINION. This is where a lost person could feel they have to abide by others' opinions, and it's hard when many people have different opinions on the same subject. An opinion doesn't inform, it tries to alter behavior. My opinions here are about people expressing opinions, and NOT about Missy's ultimate decision. I respect everyone taking an interest, but I worry about how objective some interest is, and whether Missy is strong enough to be able to sort through opinionated posts, to tease out real, and helpful information. Deep down, I know everyone cares, but one has to ask themself when they are posting, "Exactly WHO do I care about while writing this post?" I'm not trying to bash other posters at all, just merely trying to remind everyone that Missy should be who we are caring about or advocating for when giving our advice.
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Dfennessey
Member
07-25-2004
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 4:54 am
I am not against abortions, I just think that it should be the decision of the woman and no one else. People do not need to say that they will leave them or disown them. If a person loves and respects that woman, they should stay by her no matter what her decision is.
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Ladytex
Member
09-27-2001
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 5:28 am
It is YOUR opinion that others shouldn't be posting anti-abortion opinions. Missy asked for advice and all advice is going to be biased in one way or another. We've had people in here advocating abortion, adoption, and single parenthood. It is ultimately for Missy to decide because SHE is the one who will have to live with the decision. But the advice lovingly given here has not been judgemental of her at all and merely giving another voice. No one else should be trying to silence anyone's voice.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 5:30 am
I think that people want to help but sometimes take different paths to helping. Some people take a more generalized supportive approach with a recommendation to do what the person herself thinks is best but not offering a specific direction. At the other end of the spectrum are people who are supportive but are also offering relatively strong opinions. Neither approach is wrong. ------------------------- Now speaking as a Moderator, we are coming dangerously close to discussing the people who are doing the posting rather than the posts and telling people how to post. That is not a good thing.
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 5:51 am
Missy, just want to say that I am here for whatever you decide. but i STRONGLY suggest dumping the sperm donor. i am a single parent, it's hard. very hard at times. 'if' i found myself pregnant today, having gone through pregnancy, i would have an abortion. i could never give my baby up for adoption. no matter what you decide, i am here and will not judge. i do think if you decide to have the baby you and the father get different places to live as children are VERY receptive to negative vibes.
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Nan
Member
09-25-2000
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 6:06 am
I think life experiences shape our opinions alot, It is hard to differentiate opinions and beliefs sometimes, because they are so intertwined....plus I think when someone has shared such a personal issue, we all "feel" for her, and keep thinking that maybe there is something we can say or maybe some different approach/idea we can share that will help or comfort her. You know it is so great that there are people we've not actually met, yet they care enough to try to help......the world needs more people like that.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 7:25 am
Every word I ever post is honest and from the heart.<57> That is a fact. The other fact is that I have posted honest support in my opinions here and have slowly, thanks to the bravery of others just opened up bit by bit, well, a bit more. More than I had comfortably intended to. But as I said, I cannot stand by while this woman is in pain and not add my voice. Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy says, as Twinkie said, been there done that. I have experienced 4 years of my life being with someone toxic for me, who did not have my best interests at heart, while my life was spinning out of control, due to their selfishness and self-interest. In hindsight I came to admit to myself that for many reasons, fear of being abandonned, lonely, etc, I stayed in that relationship far too long. And I paid a heavy price. Among other things, my already wonky self-esteem took a nosedive. And it took me YEARS to learn to trust and value men as decent members of the human race. And frankly I have never, until meeting Vince, EVER been loved unconditionally. It's out there folks, but it won't be found living in an unhealthy situation. IMHO. And do not misinterpret my words. I am not silencing voices advocating adoption or single-parenthood in this thread. I guess I was trying (ineptly) to say that if we are sharing our experiences to help Missy, great. But if we just want to expound on the topic itself, (pro or con) perhaps a fresh thread might be an idea. I guess I was trying to say as a General Discussion, it might be a nice idea to open up a new thread about it. <57> Just because I have taken my time in sharing my experiences piecemeal, and to my own comfort level does not make me dishonest. It makes me cautious. The only thing I may have been more wishful than honest was when I initially posted that everyone would support her - regardless of her choices. Although from what I've seen, it does look like most people are capable of putting Missy first and not their own stance on the topic. I am pro-CHOICE, not anti-ANYTHING. ETA - not speaking for Missy, but for myself only - I personally would not feel comfortable having my quest for advice used as a springboard for such a contentious topic. But I am speaking for myself only. And that is where I was coming from when I posted my previous post. And in all honesty... if I hadn't been so moved by Twinkie's post I can assure you I would not have hit the send button on my last post. But now I am glad I did. It's kind of freeing not to be terrified of others opinions. My opinion is just as valid as the next persons. Just as the next persons opinion is as valid as mine. Thank you very much. <57>
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 7:59 am
You got enough bones for all of us, (((MB))).
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Merrysea
Member
08-13-2004
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 8:02 am
{{{Mameblanche}}}
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Sajó
Member
06-18-2007
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 8:36 am
What a beautiful and well said, post..... Mameblanche. I think you gave a very powerful message. Missy.....All I can say say, is do what is best for YOU.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 9:04 am
Thanks ladies! I hope Missy, that you are having a good day today, and are perhaps inching a little closer to making those all-important decisions, with more confidence in yourself. I am so grateful that you are finding it helpful, even in a small way, our sharing our various experiences with you.
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 9:10 am
i think that this thread should be in perhaps the caring place? this is such a sensitive subject and Missy is going through so many emotions right now. I care about her and want what is BEST for her life and what she chooses to do. that is why i am a VERY strong pro-choice person. <57> right now, Missy needs love and not be overwhelmed. she is alone, and I know the feeling of being alone.
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 9:39 am
Missy, good luck with your decision. It IS a tough one to make. It is also, however, a very personal decision. Listen to your heart, Missy, and then listen to your head. Only you know what choice is the correct one for you. And whatever you decide, it will be the right decision. Always remember that you made the right decision, for you, at the time. (I edited a lot of personal information out of this post. Missy, if you want to chat, send me a PM.)
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 10:00 am
Missy, ultimately only you can make this decision, and I'm sure you know that. I will say that the one thing I regret when I was in a similar situation was not seriously weighing ALL possible options. I made the decision in haste, without taking the time to think it through, and I have always regretted the choice I made, tho I have made peace with it. What I have learned is that there may be no right answer. You can only can try to choose as wisely as possible.
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Thursday, October 11, 2007 - 4:03 pm
This is such a heated topic. I feel like I shouldn't have started it, but I only talked to the guy about this and no one else. It's been mum. I don't have a friend I feel comfortable with discussing this with. When people seek advice they are seeking acceptance or an answer that'll make it okay. And obviously, that won't exist. I discussed it again today with my bfriend and I'm just sick with US. I'm tired of talking to him and dealing with him. I burned out. He doesn't like the idea of me leaving him but wants things to remain the same, and tells me he doesn't have the patience or want to give up his freedom for a baby. I feel so heartbroken. My mother would not be understanding or helpful. She can't take care of herself and her life is not going well for her. She is not a person I can turn to when I need help. When I first found out I was happy. After I got his reaction I've just been so sick and sad and depressed. I feel like do I really want to have a tie to this person? Gawd. I don't feel respected or loved. I've realized that I need to go to counselling because this isn't working out and I don't know how to walk away. It's like I want to torture myself.
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