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Archive through September 20, 2007

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2007 ~ Dec. 2007: Free Expressions: Daily Humor: Archive through September 20, 2007 users admin

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Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 - 6:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
Old Matt

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Matt the computer guy, to come over. Matt clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Matt grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."


So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T

I used to like Matt .

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Friday, August 17, 2007 - 6:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's a breed that's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true?...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Monday, August 20, 2007 - 10:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
EVE: "I've got a problem."

GOD: "What's the problem, Eve?"

EVE: "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

GOD: "And why is that Eve?"

EVE: "I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

GOD: "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

EVE: "Man? What is that?"

GOD: "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

EVE: "Sounds great, but what's the catch?"

GOD: "Well... you can have him on one condition."

EVE: "And what's that, dear God? "

GOD: "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret... you know, woman to woman."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Monday, August 27, 2007 - 9:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS



After working most of her life Grandma finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 - 2:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM...OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I HAD A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A- ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Friday, August 31, 2007 - 6:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Tuesday, September 04, 2007 - 6:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

"I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...







(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)

"W I N A B A G E L"

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Wednesday, September 05, 2007 - 5:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
Nymphomania Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained,"one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Wednesday, September 05, 2007 - 4:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
ROLFMBO!!!!!!!

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Thursday, September 13, 2007 - 3:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
What Are You In For?
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Friday, September 14, 2007 - 5:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........

Suz
Member

10-13-2005

Friday, September 14, 2007 - 11:01 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Suz a private message Print Post    
Lateeda, I always read these. Thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed it.

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Friday, September 14, 2007 - 11:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
I'm glad someone reads these! LOL
I need a daily chuckle just to get my day going...so You're very welcome!

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Sunday, September 16, 2007 - 3:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
This is just for my own chuckles, unless anyone here is also a huge Buckeye Fan, or follows the Big 10...or knows about the intense, longstanding rivalry between OSU and that team up north! LOL


A seven-year old boy was at the center of a
Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Cindori
Member

07-25-2003

Monday, September 17, 2007 - 10:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cindori a private message Print Post    
Actually it's Notre Dame that can't beat anyone . . . .

Carrie92
Member

09-15-2003

Monday, September 17, 2007 - 10:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Carrie92 a private message Print Post    
Boo, Lateeda! This is the only season in history that joke could be funny in.
(They beat Notre Dame yesterday, but Notre Dame is a nobody anyway.)

ohowIhate ohiostate!



Tigerfan
Member

11-06-2003

Monday, September 17, 2007 - 10:44 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tigerfan a private message Print Post    
Very funny! The only time I root for Michigan is when they play Notre Dame...

Go Buckeyes!!

O-H-I-O

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Monday, September 17, 2007 - 1:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
I feel the need to post another OSU-Mich joke!!!

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a great Michigan joke?"
Before the bartender can reply, a guy sitting at the bar says, "I'm 6'2", I weigh 210lbs, my fist is as big as your head AND I'm a graduate of the University of MIchigan. My buddy here is 6'4", weighs 235lbs and HE'S a graduate of the university of Michigan. And see that guy shooting pool? He's 6'5", he weighs 250 lbs, he has a very short temper and he is also a graduate of the university of Michigan. Are you SURE you wanna tell that joke now?"
The guy thought for a moment and replied, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."

Tigerfan
Member

11-06-2003

Monday, September 17, 2007 - 2:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tigerfan a private message Print Post    
That's one of my favorites! It's right up there with the sign in Ann Arbor that say's 168 miles to intelligent life (the distance to Ohio State)

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 11:22 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
Couldn't resist...one more and I'll move on. (Maybe!)

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too.

Not really knowing what a Michigan fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Jane has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Michigan fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Ohio State Buckeye Fan" the girl said!

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Jane why she is an Ohio State Fan?

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan, too," she responds. The teacher is angry now. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Jane smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Michigan fan."

Tigerfan
Member

11-06-2003

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 2:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tigerfan a private message Print Post    
ROFL!!

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Thursday, September 20, 2007 - 9:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99

Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton :. Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Dokatola
Member

06-20-2007

Thursday, September 20, 2007 - 7:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dokatola a private message Print Post    
ten signs you are too old for halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door
You have to have someone chew the candy for you
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Dokatola
Member

06-20-2007

Thursday, September 20, 2007 - 7:58 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dokatola a private message Print Post    
The Cemetery Shortcut
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Dokatola
Member

06-20-2007

Thursday, September 20, 2007 - 8:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dokatola a private message Print Post    
Trick or Treating by Astrological Sign
# Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
# Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
# Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
# Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
# Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.
# Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.
# Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a
costume.
# Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.
# Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.
# Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the
optimal route to take.
# Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all
night tinkering when it shorts.
# Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.