Author |
Message |
Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 7:46 am
I have to say, I don't think men really KNOW what to do in the situation. They are scared too. It's a really hard situation where the emotions are SO RAW, that people don't communicate a lot, and guys are no different. They don't want to say the wrong thing either. I think guys "step back" when there is a surprise pregnancy, because they may have their opinion, and sharing it may seem selfish, but supporting the other decision goes against their own wants too. So what can they do? Guys have trouble talking about the smallest most inconsequential things, let alone major life-altering things like pregnancy and children. I hope you both get counseling, and that it can help you find some answers about yourself and your relationship, after the fact. I am glad you are doing OK, and hope you take the time to take care of yourself and your needs. Maybe try keeping a private journal on the computer, just to get some of your thoughts out of your head and onto "paper". Big hugs to you Missy, take care. :-)
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Colordeagua
Member
10-25-2003
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 7:46 am
Its like why weren't you there before when it mattered? He offered to move forward but it didn't seem right, maybe it was me!! He only presented more problems. Offered no solutions, no financial assistance until I waved bills in front of him. Our communication is horrible. The whole thing breaks my heart. I guess I just wish he was someone that he is not, and together we are a couple that I'm not interested in. Missy, very smart thinking. VERY. Even now in this particularly difficult time. You will be fine.
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Twiggyish
Member
08-14-2000
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 1:53 pm
((Missy)) I really don't know what to say. My thoughts are with you.
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Dahli
Member
11-27-2000
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 2:15 pm
Awww Missy. You could be my daughter at your very young 32, wish I could give you a big hug too. Been there and hope you heal smoothly, in all ways, especially as you continue to work through all the emotional bumps...
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Twiggyish
Member
08-14-2000
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 3:15 pm
I meant to write up there that I couldn't say more than what's been said. You made a very hard decision, but you know it was for the best. All I know is that time does heal.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 4:50 pm
This is pure speculation and everyone is different, but given your ages, I kind of doubt that your guy is going to change. Wishing he were someone that he is not won't change things. If anything he will probably be even more like he is now, if you get married. That is something that you have to think about when considering the future.
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Supergranny
Member
02-03-2005
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 5:28 pm
  Missy you are a strong person and you know in your heart that you made the right decision. Now lets talk about that guy of yours! You do not need him if he isn't there emotionally for you..there is a lot of years ahead of you and you do deserve the best!
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Saturday, November 03, 2007 - 9:49 pm
{{{Missy}}}, been there, pretty close to the same age. And that relationship did end after awhile. Not the only reason, by a longshot but it weighed into it. It is a very sad and thoughtful time for you but I'm sure you will grow from this, and maybe, from him.

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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 6:30 am
Today I feel so bitter and alone gawd. Yesterday he yelled at me and told me he was trying to get us through this and I had no reason to be depressed about this decision because it was the right decision! wth. He said if I'm depressed then I need to tell him why! Why because he will tell me I'm wrong? He told me if I didn't want to do it then I shouldn't have. Well my options really where not there. I had this little fantasy where he would want to marry me and take care of our baby. That he would be as happy I was when I found out that I was pregnant and that he would totally be there for me. I don't have health insurance and medical cost a forture. I asked him he could get me put on his without being married he said no. I told him for me being pregnant it would cost me $650 a month for the insurance alone! And it was not great coverage, he said oh that's a lot. That's all he said. I felt like the entire time he left me high and dry so I would have to choose this. And when he finally came around and said I really need to change my ways and we can do this if YOU WANT TO who wants that?? To be with someone who will go alone with it but hate it? Whenever we have his granddaughter it's like he grits his teeth and puts up with her. He tries his best to ignore her. Oh whatever, its obvious what I need to do. The problem is I'm so scared to be alone I don't even know why. I feel horrible right now. I thought about telling him how I feel about all this and see where he goes with it... I don't know. I know in my heart it was the "right decision" but it doesn't feel good that's for sure. My heart is so broken.
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Jbean
Member
01-05-2002
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 6:56 am
Missy, I know I haven't posted in here yet, because, well, I didn't really have anything helpful to say, in my opinion. But I'm weighing in now. It sounds like this guy is bad news! Who IGNORES their grandchild? Seriously, he does not sound nice at all. If you feel your decision was right, then it was the right decision for you. That's all that matters. Sounds like this guy doesn't need to be bringing children into the world. IMHO. Please don't take any of that offensively, it isn't meant to be. Missy, I will tell you, I am your age, single and alone, but I LOVE it. It's so nice to be able to do what you want, when you want, and with whomever you want. I have a dog and a cat, the dog is like a child to me. Get yourself a dog...it's my opinion that they love you more than any person ever could. It sounds like you would be much happier if you were without THIS man. All my best to you. It sounds like you have really been through a tough time lately. I think things can only get better, if you know what you need to do. ((((((Missy))))))
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Cinnamongirl
Member
01-10-2001
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 7:30 am
Oh Missy, I'm so sorry you're going thru all this. Your emotions must be all over the place. I went thru with my pregnancy, I was with my guy for 10 years, he was so happy about it all. He had been begging me to have a baby for all those years. I remember crying when I found out, not cuz I was excited, but because it meant I would be with my guy forever! I know that sounds horrible but I knew he wasn't Mr. Right. I had known it for along time & was just too scared to be alone, so I stayed. He had alot of good qualities, I did love him, but man, he had a lot of bad ones too. My son is now almost 2 and my guy, well, he's gone. Couldn't handle how much his life had changed. Hah! whatever. And as hard as that was, and who am I kidding, it still is 5 months later, it is getting easier. My son keeps me pretty busy, I don't have much of a social life.... but its stressfree, no bad feelings, no fighting...all that and more. I do hope to meet someone to share my life with, but that'll happen down the road. Being alone takes time to get used too, but I knew I deserved better, my son deserved better. I wish you lived closer to me, I'd love to "be there" for you. Broken Hearts hurt so much!! Its gonna take time......
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Ginger1218
Member
08-31-2001
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 7:50 am
Oh Missy, this is not the guy for you. It is better to be alone forever than to be with someone who is not an equal partner in the relationship. He sounds like a selfish demanding child. It is beyond the pregnancy now, this is going to happen with any situation that freaks him out. Please get out of this before it is too late. You deserve better, you can have better. Don't stay because you are afraid to be alone.
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 7:59 am
Sorry you're still being torn apart, Missy. You're telling us that you're afraid to be alone...well were you alone before you met this guy? You also said, "I thought about telling him how I feel about all this and see where he goes with it... I don't know." Yes you DO know where it is going to go. How many times are you willing to be made to feel like crap, and how much time do you want to continue to pour into a guy who has made you feel badly? How much more time are you going to put into a relationship that you have already stated numerous times, that is not what you really want? Any man who "yells" at you about how you're feeling, doesn't deserve to know how you're feeling. You've already taken one giant step, taking him into consideration as much as yourself. It doesn't appear that he cares enough about you to reciprocate that consideration. No easy way out of this, IMO. I'm nobody to you, but if you were my friend, I would tell you that it's time to **** or get off the pot. Dump this guy, he isn't going to be there for you. As far as being afraid to be alone, it appears you already are. Put one foot in front of the other and realize that being with him is probably worse for you than finding the strength and self-love to be alone. Why are you making the assumption that you will be alone anyways? Maybe there are guys just waiting for you to dump this guy so they can approach you! Please know that I don't intend to sound mean or judgemental, I am responding to what you have written. You keep answering your own questions, IMO.
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Cinnamongirl
Member
01-10-2001
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 8:09 am
Hukd is right. The one big regret I have is, that I wasted 10 years of my life. I loved him, I know he loved me but there was still so much missing in between. Relationships are hard, they all take work but I was doing all the work and he was taking it all for granted and not giving much back. Do whats right for you. you deserve it
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 8:44 am
I think there has been a lot of great advice offered so far. One point that hit home with me was Hukd's suggestion that while you are afraid to be alone, even with this guy you are alone because he isn't really there for you. Being a guy, one comment that made me laugh (and I know this isn't a thread for laughing) was Jbean's suggestion that you kind of replace this guy with a dog who will really love you. The things is though – I agree with her that it might be a good idea!!! Then you could find another guy if you want to (or he will find you). One who loves you and likes dogs and would love to have kids. Trust me – they are out there. I hope none of our comments seem harsh to you. I think people just want to be supportive and helpful. I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. You deserve better. ((((Missy))))
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 9:38 am
Missy, I'm glad you made a decision and I'm sad that your BF isn't really there for you. I'm sure you made the right decision for you, at this time. Yes, you'll have regrets. Yes, you'll be glad you made this decision. But really, do you want to be with a man who feels he "has" to be there for you because of the baby? You're still so young, and you've got plenty of time. This is not your last chance, ever. Do you have anyone near you who can act as a support group for you? Or are there any groups near you that you can join to help you thru this? You've had one tough decision to make, and it seems like you may have a couple more to make in the not so distant future. It might be helpful to have someone there to lean on, a non-biased friend, family member, or even a stranger. And remember... it's tough right now. But it'll get easier as each day goes by. You'll know in your heart what you need to do and when you need to do it. You've got a lot of inner strength, even if it doesn't feel like it. Lots of hugs to you, Missy! It's one thing that will help you feel better right now! 
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 10:17 am
I really appreciate everyones support and I don't find any of it harsh. I re-read what I wrote and I always feel like there are two sides to every story and maybe he's right. Maybe he isn't so bad? And maybe its my issue. He always tries to be there for me to hold my hand and tell me he loves me but I'm left feeling empty. He wanted to go to counselling, he wants to try to make things better so maybe it is me! Maybe if I expressed myself better. I don't know. With him, if told him I really wanted a baby he would have gone along with it but it shouldn't be like that. It should be something we strongly want together, now someone swayed by my wants. Talking to a counsellor will help I think.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 10:31 am
Cut his ass loose and get a dog or cat.
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Cinnamongirl
Member
01-10-2001
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 10:45 am
If your left feeling empty...then there is a problem. Counselling is such a great idea!!
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 11:02 am
It is quite remarkable and admirable that you can try to see his side of the situation. I see the idea that he is willing to go for counseling with you as a positive (if he actually follows through with it). I have to admit though that the fact that he barely tolerates his granddaughter's visits is not a promising indicator that he will ever want more children. And that is putting it in as mild a way as possible. So if having children is important to you in the long run, that may be a relationship breaker.
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Skootz
Member
07-23-2003
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 11:26 am
Being in love Missy should not hurt this much. you should not have that empty feeling you have. I have been following along in your situation and I have not really commented either way. However, what I have read so far of your situation, I have a feeling when you made your decision regarding your pregnancy, it almost feels that you made two decisions. One regarding the baby and one regarding your boyfriend. You just have to make the actual move with your boyfriend to complete it. Perhaps with your upcoming counselling, this would be a good time to do this as you will have the outside help you need to get through this situation as well. It is not easy to be by yourself at first, but I think you need it to help yourself. Even if you don't want a total break up...tell your boyfriend that you need six months to be on your own totally (no contact, no visits etc.) and see what you need inside first. Hope this makes sense and all the best.

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Yankee_in_ca
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 11:43 am
I have always said, I'd much rather be alone and free than alone and "chained" to someone who made me feel alone. Missy, I haven't posted here, either, but I greatly empathize with you and am proud of you -- for many things, but also for being strong enough to talk about your feelings.
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Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 12:42 pm
Missy, I'm sorry you feel so alone around this guy. I hope you know you are not alone here, and we are all interested in your happiness and well-being, so if you feel the need for some support, please come here to TVCH! I have to agree with Jimmer about how this guy may not be into children ever again. He is a grandfather? It sounds like he's CLOSED the "father" chapter of his life, and he may not be up for that ever again. It sounds like he's gone through the whole "child-rearing once before, and probably doesn't want another 20 years of it. It sounds like you two may have an age difference that may put you two on different life-courses or trajectories. Sounds like he just wants to wind down his life, and have a companion to share the day to day with. But he's not wanting to start another family. But for you, you're still young, haven't HAD a family of your own yet, and you may want a different future than him. I hope your counseling can help you sort things out. It doesn't sound like he is allowing you to process this, even only a few days after it all. Healing physical wounds even takes longer than a few days, let alone emotional wounds. Take your time, and give yourself the space to heal. You are still full of hormones, and allow yourself to feel sad/relived/bitter/whatever. I'm sure you'll experience the whole spectrum. This is going to take time. And again, we are ALL here for you. Many it seems, have been in your position, and can probably understand better than anyone else.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 12:46 pm
Missy, you need to be sure to advocate for yourself and your feelings in this. Sure, you see his side sometimes, but it sounds like he doesn't ever bother to see yours. I'm just guessing but those times he is "there" and holds your hand and tells you he loves you? Are those the times when you seem ready to make the break? Is he just saying the words in order to reel you back in or control you? Because if he was geniune, you'd probably not be left feeling empty. And so many people here have said, better to BE alone than together and lonely, or unsupported or judged. Being single, living single isn't the same thing as being alone, really. I DO think counseling is a great idea, but be sure you get your individual counselor to help you, not just someone to try to make you ok for him or keep you together, no matter what.

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Merrysea
Member
08-13-2004
| Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 1:41 pm
Missy, when I was breaking up with my husband, he kept telling me how my feelings were wrong. We went to a marriage counselor, and he tried to tell the counselor my feelings were wrong. She kept telling him that feelings weren't wrong, they just were. He never did understand it. So this is just to let you know that, no matter what he says, your feelings are NOT wrong!
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