Author |
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 1:42 pm
Missy, it seem like you have made a decision, you are just struggling for the strength to see it through. I also support your decision whatever you ultimately decide. Your relationship pain is similar to what I refer to as my 4 year mistake from when I was in my 20's. We weren't living together but it was a very toxic relationship full of promises and illusions that were just smoke and mirrors. Thankfully we didn't live together, but still I allowed myself to be used for years til life's ugly realities smartened me up. I NEVER discuss this on the board, but I simply feel compelled to reach out to you. I truly feel your pain... feel free to email or PM me.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 2:15 pm
You sound like a great person, Missy. Do you have other people that you can talk to about this that will give you support as well?
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Missy2
Member
07-31-2001
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 2:20 pm
No this is it. I only have my mother and her advice won't be rational. She doesn't like my bfriend...so I don't know. Kind of left alone with the whole process. Seriously, I can't believe he hasn't mentioned it. Just sickens me.
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 2:39 pm
ITA with others who say that they won't judge you , Missy. While we may be "support" for you, your mother can offer real hugs, real discussions (we just sort of post and then read each others things, it just takes such a long time I guess), maybe financial assistance, and should you decide to have and keep your baby, your Mom would be a true support. I'm guessing by your reply that she may be of only one opinion. You know her better than you know us, and she knows you better than we do. Personally, I think I'd take my chances and tell your Mom. I think you'll need her, regardless of your decision. I may be walking on a slippery slope here, but feel that I need to tell you this: I wouldn't recommend giving the boyfriend's opinion any weight in your decision. He has made it crystal clear. Men will come and go, and you may find one who loves you whether you have a child or not. By this one saying that things are so good without one (however he worded it), it makes his love conditional. I don't believe in that, but completely respect your right to accept those conditions. All my best to you, Missy.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 2:40 pm
(((((Missy)))))
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Sunshyne4u
Member
06-17-2003
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 2:41 pm
Sounds like there is not one hard decision on the table, but two. Your boyfriend, and your pregnancy. I'd like to share my own life at this point, people can take from it what they wish. When I said I had an ex like Missy described earlier, I wasnt joking. I went thru two miscarriages basically with the same Nonchalant "oh good we can get back to normal" attitude from the ex. I finally, after years of feeling we were two different people coexisting. Deep down we loved each other but Love is based on many things. mutual Respect, truthworthiness, similar goals for a relationship as well as many many more things. Simple love was not enough to base a marriage on, nor does it keep marriages together. We were engaged for a few years and I was the one holding back from going the final step...due to the niggling voice in my head saying "If it is like this now, how will it be in another five years? ten years?" I made my list and contemplated it for awhile. I looked at how much I had changed due to HIS behaviour. The changes were negative. after a 'straw that broke the camel's back' mild disagreement, I booted him out of my house. I made a decision, a Solid decision that when i think What the Heck did I do 12 yrs ago, i can look at my list. The final conclusion was 'I would rather be alone the rest of my life then to continue to live like THIS We remained friends for years afterwards. **** my final comment is that a person needs to made their OWN decision, clearminded and focused. FOR themself, not anyone else. It hopefully will be based balancing pros and cons, not based in fear. A person also has to look at their own circumstances and what they can live with. A good friend of mine told me, after I booted the fiance', that she could have never done it. She cant live without a man in the house. She would have gone to a bar or something and just got another one. I count myself lucky in some ways. My health has failed and I often think how absolutely HELLISH it would have been if I had gotten married to that Guy. Anyways, I appreciate that you are sharing Missy2. Hopefully you arent feeling like anyone is trying to tell you what to do. It is not my intent.

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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 2:42 pm
It would be great if you did have someone nearby to talk this out with. But you aren't alone. We are here and we care. We can't decide for you, but we are beside you in spirit, in a non-judgemental way, and we do care. I know I sure do!
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 5:24 pm
The more time you spend with the wrong person is less time you spend finding the one you are really supposed to be with. Good luck with whatever decisions you make.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 5:47 pm
The more time you spend with the wrong person is less time you spend finding the one you are really supposed to be with. I couldn't agree more! Jooj is totally correct. I never, ever thought I'd find Mr. Right, but we met in my late 30's and I got married 6 years later in my mid-40's and as of today we are starting our 9th year of wedded bliss, and 14 years together all told. It ain't always easy, but it's always worth it, when the right one comes along. And frankly when I was single, I was often more at peace alone than in a soul-sucking relationship of which I've had my share.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 7:41 pm
Oh Missy, the words that come to my mind are: "why is she staying in a relationship where he clearly puts his happiness and his needs above hers?!?!" How will you feel 5 years from now if you stay with him, going nowhere, not really being happy, just coasting along, and still not a mother? You say your mother doesn't like him. This also is a flag for me. If you have a loving, supportive parent, she probably has a good reason for not liking him. It sounds like his is selfish and as long as he's getting what he wants out of the relationship, he's fine, doesn't matter what you want. I'm so sorry. It pains me to see women stay in relationships that are not providing for their emotional needs and life goals. 
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Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Monday, October 08, 2007 - 11:59 pm
Missy, I know you THINK we might judge you for leaning toward not having the baby, but you underestimate how supportive TVCHers are no matter what. Even though we all don't really know each other, and many have never met, we still somehow like other TVCHers, and want them all to be happy. I know friends on here who have shared some dark secrets and some people decided to PM their judgments to her, but if that is happening to you, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tune these people out. Most TVCHers will not judge you, and the decision is ONLY YOURS. If there was a way that you could get a week ALONE (away from the bf), I'd try to take it. No contact, and just try to find your own clarity, to make this decision. I know that I will be happy when you finally MAKE a decision. Be it to keep the baby or not, there will be a huge pressure lifted once you decide what the future will hold. And no matter what future you choose, it will all be OK.
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Sunshyne4u
Member
06-17-2003
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 12:09 am
have shared some dark secrets and some people decided to PM their judgments to her WOW, I find it amazing that anyone would do that! I'd like to think that the person was just trying to help and give their perspective via PM. *********** Regardless of which decision is made, many towns have support groups set up for people who have had abortion OR have kept the baby and now need some basic help/ support. I'm sure Missy's brain must be absolutely full of people like us giving 'ideas'
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Twinkie
Member
09-24-2002
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 12:33 am
Missy, I don't remember how far along you said you are but if you are going to have an abortion you don't want to wait too long to do it. The first trimester is the best time for that so don't let the time get away from you. And, by all means, dump the BF. He doesn't sound like someone who really cares about you and there is someone out there who will, but you have to be free to meet that someone. Twenty years from now you'll look back and say why did I waste so much of my life with that loser when I could have met my Mr. Wonderful even sooner. Listen to your gut and your heart. They tell you when a situation is not right for you, but sometimes we ignore that inner voice. If you want to talk to someone about abortion feel free to PM me. Been there, done that.
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Sunshyne4u
Member
06-17-2003
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 3:44 am
i do think that he loves her, but in his own way and on his terms. Some guys are just like that, my ex sure was.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 6:38 am
I do hope you will at least take a look at a few adoption websites and read what other birthmothers have gone through. Or google something like "birthmother stories" or "birthmother perspective." No judging here, but at least find some information. Don't close the adoption possibility at least until you educate yourself a bit. This could end up being a win-win. You could chose a totally closed adoption or choose open with several visits a year with many pictures and letters each year as well. There are plenty of open adoptions that leave a birthmother very peaceful and content. No doubt it is hard, but there is much happiness in it as well. Peace to you as you think things over... 
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Scooterrific
Member
07-08-2005
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 7:01 am
Julieboo... adoption is not for everyone...I've been in this situation many years ago ....I know I am not a strong enough person to carry a baby full term and then hand it over. ETA: (((((Missy))))) whatever you decide will work out for the best.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 7:16 am
True, but it is an option that should be seriously considered. It is not just like "Here is my baby. Goodbye." It is an option that should be looked into before dismissed. It is not what I thought it was before I learned more about it. The birthmother gets to choose a lot, like how much contact she wants. She gets lots of emotional help (counseling during her pregnancy and for many years after) as well as financial and medical assistance too. Too many people think that the birthmother "gives" her child away. That is not true. She chooses the family that she wants her baby to grow up with. And let me tell you, there are TONS to choose from. SHe can decide what faith, how many people in the family, city, suburbs or a rural life. All sorts of things. Whether the baby will have an older sibling or not. Will the adoptive mom be a working mom or a stay at home mom. Will the family have a ton of $$ or just an average income. She can interview the adoptive families and meet as many or as few as she wants. She can decide if she wants many visits a year or none at all. She is the one who decides what kind of life (if any) that her baby will get. Hard? Sad? Yes. But it can also be very rewarding and a good solution for many. Not for all, but it is an option to be explored before dismissed.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 7:24 am
I am just someone who has been touched by adoption, and I feel as though I should at least throw my opinion out there to show you that adoption is another option. Missy, here is a website that might give you more insight: http://www.birthmombuds.com/
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Nan
Member
09-25-2000
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 8:15 am
Again I agree with Julieboo. This is such a final decision, that you will look back on, it is best to do it in a thoroughly researched way (don't mean to sound so clinical)..regrets may cause you heartache in the long run. I'm so sorry about your boyfriend, if this is not someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with, it is easier to get out of this relationship sooner than later.....it will be hard....but then it my end up being the easiest thing you decide to do, possibly after you absolutely make up your mind about him...things will fall into place easier.....and you will see a future that can be fulfilling and more than you ever dreamed....sometimes the most unexpexted things turn our lives around. Don't know how you believe, but prayer is amazing....and my personal opinion is that God cares for you more than anyone else. My heart goes out to you.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 10:37 am
Sunshyne, but love is not enough. Two people can love each other and still not be a good match, have the same goals, or even be supportive of each other. You loved your "ex" and he loved you, but he's still your "ex" for a reason. I can't even begin to imagine how a relationship survives if one party wants a pregnancy to end and the other doesn't. I can't see how whoever didn't get their way isn't going to feel resentment somewhere down the line. And especially when things are not great to begin with. I am so, so, so pro-choice, but I would never, ever let a man make that decision for me. My heart goes out to you Missy.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 11:31 am
I am not going to foot around with you. Abortion should not be a form of birth control. But, at the same time a child should not be a consequence to lack of planning. I have been in your exact situation. I did not go through with the pregnancy because of "HIS" feelings and I never forgave him and I never forgave myself for letting him influence me. I was on the fence, I could have gone either way. I know that having that baby would NOT ruin my life. I hate that I live with regret. You have a life inside of you that is part of you. I know that when I chose not to have that child, a part of me died that I will never get back because I wasn't strong enough to say "I can do this without you." And I know that I could have. If I could turn back time, I would have walked away from him that moment, had my baby, raised my baby and not waited for him to grow up. You can do this without him. I think it is extremely selfish of him, ESPECIALLY because he already has a child. If you want children, have this baby. This will change your life and it sounds like it's time for a change. Make your decision and stand by it. I am against abortion in cases like this, but I understand that every situation is differen and in some cases it's necessary. I don't think your case is one of those necessary times. This is my opinion, sorry if it offends anyone, but having been in the situation, JUST LIKE YOURS, I feel I can have a strong opinion on it.
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Dfennessey
Member
07-25-2004
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 11:54 am
Escapee I have a friend that had 2 abortions that she will admit to (I personally think she had 3, but she would not admit to the 3rd one, she just said she lost the baby)but anyways to make a long story short, she did not do it because of the father telling her she did not want it, She did it because her mother told her she would disown her. My response to her on the second one was "I do not have to agree with what you are doing, but I have to accept you for what you are doing, because you are my friend." That is why I do not think she wanted to tell me about the third one, I think she thought she would have disappointed me.
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Scooterrific
Member
07-08-2005
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 12:00 pm
Has she not heard of "condom"?
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Dfennessey
Member
07-25-2004
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 12:16 pm
that I do not know. I would think she would not just for not getting pregnant but for safe sex.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 12:59 pm
I am not sure what your point is, Dfennessey. It's sad that your friends mother has so much influence over her life. ITA scooter. Birth control pills come to mind as well.
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