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Archive through October 02, 2007

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2007 ~ Dec. 2007: Health Center: Pregnant...: ARCHIVES: Archive through October 02, 2007 users admin

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Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Friday, September 28, 2007 - 8:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
Missy, I'm sorry to hear his reaction. I think Nanalinda is right anyways: you need to remove him from the equasion and decide what it is you want to do on your own.

Having a child is always a leap of faith. Those of us who intentionally get pregnant still have those doubts: what if I lose my job, what if I can't handle it, what if, what if, what if. I think having those doubts is normal and healthy. It means you are really thinking things through and will be prepared to face whatever comes no matter what you decide.

Bookworm
Member

12-18-2001

Saturday, September 29, 2007 - 7:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bookworm a private message Print Post    
I too believe in a woman's right to choose. It sounds to me that you don't know if you can count on the dad to be involved if you choose to have the child.

I don't know your financial status, but you might check into title 19 insurance. I believe their guidelines are a little higher if you are pregnant and for infants. I say that because my infant son is on title 19 and I know that we are above the regular guidelines for title 19. That might ease some of the financial stress for you.

It varies by state, but in Iowa you would go to your local Dept of Human Services office to apply. Take care.

Nan
Member

09-25-2000

Saturday, September 29, 2007 - 8:26 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nan a private message Print Post    
Missy, I agree with Julieboo....adoption agencies certainly can be helpful.....please don't make hasty decisions due to fear. I think if you check with the crisis center services and adoption agencies, you may be able to make a more settling decision....you sound as though you may be so confused, my heart goes out to you. With the agencies help, you will have more time to make a decision whether to keep or go with adoption, plus there will be care and support. This is such a huge decision, and absolutely life changing, time and counsel may help you make a decision that will put your heart at peace. My thoughts are with you.

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Saturday, September 29, 2007 - 9:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
He has no opinion either way BUT he likes his life how it is. He likes doing whatever he wants with his friends and hanging out.



sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

((sounds a lot like my EX!! ))

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Sunday, September 30, 2007 - 7:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
Good point Nan. Missy, do not let fear make you make a hasty decision. Call a crisis center and one or two adoption agencies. Hear them out.

Good luck to you and I wish you continued peace.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Sunday, September 30, 2007 - 7:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
Missy, i know you are stressed and confused and all the other emotions of finding out about an unintentional pregnancy. i have been there done that and have the baby poop stained t-shirt to prove it.

when the father of my son found out that i was pregnant he ran for the hills. as someone else said, take him out of the picture.

i was so terrified, i didn't know WHAT to do. i knew i would not be able to go through the pregnancy and then give the baby away. i just couldn't. someone had also told me that there was still time to have an abortion and while i believe it's every womans right, i just couldn't do it myself.

i was scared of everything, what my family would think, would i be able to provide for him/her, would i be a good mom, would i be able to handle the stress? would i actually be able to go through labor and delivery?

after thinking everything over i wrote a list of pros and cons of my life at that time. the pros won out and actually even during the time i was stressing i knew what my final decision would be. i think this has been the best decision i have ever made in my life.

motherhood, whether you are a single parent, share custody parent or married parent, it's the hardest and yet the easiest job in the world.

i know right after zachary was born i felt a void in my heart, that i never knew existed, was filled the first time i saw and held him. a void that can never go away and never be replaced.

whatever decision you decide, i am right here for you.

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Sunday, September 30, 2007 - 11:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
i wrote a list of pros and cons of my life at that time

and maybe relating to future plans?

Brilliant suggestion Zachs.


There is something solid and tangible about putting thoughts down on paper.

I find that when I am confused about a decision I make a list and for some reason, things become clear shortly.

The list could be kept as well, for a future time when a person wonders what they were thinking and feeling 'at that time'.


((not sure If I'm being clear))

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 1:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
The list could be kept as well, for a future time when a person wonders what they were thinking and feeling 'at that time'.


This is an EXCELLENT suggestion Sunshyne!

Missy2
Member

07-31-2001

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 2:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Missy2 a private message Print Post    
Thanks for all the support and advice. I'm not comfortable with adoption just because I know I could not do it. And he was basically leaving the ball in my court, like oh honey if this makes you happy then lets do it. But I told him I understand if its not right for you but please let's discuss it. Well I was right, he pretty much said he didn't want the added stress but that he loves me. Whenever I'd lean in the direction of having a baby he presents me with more questions. I feel like instead of him asking and creating more questions he should be helping to find solutions. It's like he just buries me in the burden of making the decision and tries to overwhelm me with it. Then he cries I'm so sorry I feel like I misled you, I love you but this isn't what I want. GAG!! I just want to throw up, I'm so tired of discussing this with him. I called the clinic to discuss the alternative and honestly its all so upsetting to me. I thought about packing up and getting my own place. And praying I can make it work. I feel so very lost and confused. I don't want to drag him along. :-(

Cinnamongirl
Member

01-10-2001

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 3:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cinnamongirl a private message Print Post    
(((Missy)))

Oh man, I feel for you. I wish I was right there with you to help you work thru this. Have you told your family yet? or closest girlfriend?

Cinnamongirl
Member

01-10-2001

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 3:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cinnamongirl a private message Print Post    
Just looked at your profile to see where you're living and couldn't help but notice your kitty. Mine looks the same.



I know, I know!! so off topic, its ridiculous

Ginger1218
Member

08-31-2001

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 3:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ginger1218 a private message Print Post    
Missy, do you foresee a lifetime with this guy? Is he the one for you? Will you resent him if you don't have the child because he is not comfortable with it? You have a lot of questions to go over. But, remember one thing, YOU are the one to make the decision, nobody else.

Missy2
Member

07-31-2001

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 3:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Missy2 a private message Print Post    
A lifetime guy? Definitely not. I was feeling pretty good about how he has been treating me lately but after today and talking about this stuff, NO. I wanted to tell him it was over when he said everything he said. I feel like he has misled me. I feel used. I was here for him and his teen son. I did a lot for him. We always talked about kids and marriage after his son was done with high school. Now he's done and its not what he wants anymore, and here I am pregnant. I can understand but I am still bothered and deeply alone. Oh well, I just need to take control of my life. It just really bugged me how he was deliberately putting a negative spin on everything I said and creating questions.

Haha, I love that cat pic. My kitty, Missy, was a baby in that pic. She's my lil special sweetheart :-)

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 4:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I'm sorry you are in this situation Missy and suggestions seem inadequate. I'll plow ahead though and suggest in a general way that you think of where you want to be and how you will feel about this pregnancy five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now and try to base your decision on your long-term feelings. Because it is those feelings that you will live with and you want to make the right decision for you.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 4:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Aww Missy I'm sorry your guy is being a butt.

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 4:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
Jimmer is right.. this is a long term and long time decision.

Relationships, even marriages, last or don't last but kids are a lifelong commitment.

I'd have to say you first have to determine if this is a commitment you want to take on (and with joy and hope) for yourself.

Then if that is the case, would you change that decision if he might not be there for the long haul? I don't think you can count on anyone for the long haul, based on what you said above.

His questioning and lack of decision sound like he isn't wanting this long term committment.

And that is sad, but best to be realistic up front.

If you can take this on wholeheartedly on your own, then I think you have your answer.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 4:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
ITA 100 percent with what Sea said, and Jimmer too.

Eeyoreslament
Member

07-20-2003

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 4:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Eeyoreslament a private message Print Post    
It sounds like you want this child for yourself, and the dissonance you are feeling is mainly being caused by a guy who you think is trying to get you to go against your wishes, and who you say is probably not a long-term relationship.

So if this guy wasn't around, would you still be OK with having this baby? I ask this because sometimes we want a child because it is a connection to the father, but sometimes we want a child for the sake of just plain wanting a child (hence the number of single women choosing to have children).

Men don't have to be involved in the child's life for the child to grow us JUST FINE. I would like to think of myself as living proof. I personally think you have done the right thing in letting him KNOW about the pregnancy, and now you should make this decision without consulting him anymore. This is your decision to make.

I don't think any single mother will tell you it is going to be easy, but only you can decide if it will be something you yourself can handle.

Good luck to you Missy! Any decision you make on your own, based on your OWN desires, will be the right one.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, October 01, 2007 - 4:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
The other thing to consider is you *may* (no promises) find another guy down the road who may end up being a great husband and father to this child (or future children).

Also as Sea mentioned nothing is permanent or sure. Even if you were in a fantastic relationship right now, no one can see what is ahead.

The best thing though is to try to make a decision that you will feel good about when you look back on it.

Missy2
Member

07-31-2001

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 - 3:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Missy2 a private message Print Post    
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the support since I have no one to really talk to about this.

Ginger1218
Member

08-31-2001

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 - 4:07 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ginger1218 a private message Print Post    
It is better you found out about this guy now Missy, and now you can prepare yourself for a possible future without him.

Justavice
Member

11-22-2005

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 - 4:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Justavice a private message Print Post    
Or prepare for at least 18 years of contact with him in case he decides to be involved on any level.

Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 - 5:22 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
I thought about packing up and getting my own place. And praying I can make it work

you know, that might be a great idea! if you can swing it.

It would definitely lessen the stressor in your life and no matter what, life has changed.

Whatever Decision is made, you seem like a strong woman who can do it on their own IF needed.

Something in the way you wrote your post makes me think that you are already seeing this guy differently.

Maybe just talk to him and arrange a 'time out' and see what happens in a few months.

the man in him MAY step up, or he wont and you can consider yourself lucky.

Either way, i think it would be less stressful to have a mutually agreed friendly separation now ...then leave things as is.

Like Justavice says, IF you do continue with the pregnancy the father MAY keep up contact. A friendly neutral relationship would be much preferred.

Geesh, I always type stuff out and think it doesnt make any sense!!

I had a "friendly" separation with my ex and it really worked well.

Saxywildcat
Member

05-30-2005

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 - 5:45 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Saxywildcat a private message Print Post    
Hey Missy, I'm just catching up on this (we're trying to get pregnant, and the thread caught my eye).

I agree with a lot of what people have said here. I have a close friend who got pregnant while in the airforce and turned down the father when he proposed. She knew she did not see a life with him and she took on the challenge of being a single mother. She has done a WONDERFUL job! So if you don't see him as a lifer, just take him out of the equation as you think, like others have mentioned.

I am also adopted. I know that is not an easy situation either, but there are lots of families out there who can't have children. I have since found my birth mother and birth father and have great friendships with them. It is hard to think about, but not something to totally ignore.

You honestly sound like you are ready for a child yourself though. Good luck.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 - 6:50 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
Yes, adoption is hard to think about, but it is something that you really should at least consider or do a little research on. You are not "giving your child up", instead you are giving your child a life filled with love and security. Most adoptions (domestic) are open. And it is up to the birthmother how open she wants it to be. In general, most birthmoms want pictures and updates throughout each year and usually one visit per year.

In our situation, I email the birthmom often. I send her photos all the time. She is such a sweet person that I do not mind this at all.

In the long run it is best for the baby too, to be able to have the birthmom and the adoptive mom on the same page. And the future is there for the birthmom too, when the baby is older.

I am not actually trying to talk you into adoption. I am just saying give it a fair look before closing that door. Too many women just say right away, I could never do that, without looking into it. Any reputable adoption agency will give all sorts of information and they will not put pressure on you. They can put you in contact with other birthmoms who can give you some firsthand stories/information.

They can also help you with any type of counseling as well as financial help and they will cover your medical expenses too. And that is even if you decide to parent the baby yourself in the end.

Hope this post did not come across as too "pro-adoption." But I am biased, as I said before. I just think this option is worth at least a look...

Good luck and peace also as you mull all this over....