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Archive through May 21, 2007

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2007 ~ Dec. 2007: Free Expressions: Daily Humor: Archive through May 21, 2007 users admin

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Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 - 8:11 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
I didn't see a thread for this anywhere, and I wanted to share a joke that I found hilarious. I'm thinking of posting a joke-a-day...everyone can use a chuckle to break up their day.

YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 - 12:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Saxywildcat posted these two knee-slappers in my folder and I wanted to share...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" I love this part.... "Only when he's been drinking."

---------

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't
believe that my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.

You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs -- and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband......................

Kaykay
Member

01-21-2004

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 - 1:43 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kaykay a private message Print Post    
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy
father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a
sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five
d eep
to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just
had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 - 3:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."


Mak1
Member

08-12-2002

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 - 4:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mak1 a private message Print Post    
Shouts & Murmurs
The Wisdom of Children
by Simon Rich

A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table


MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.

DAD: O.K.

GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.

DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.

UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.

DAD: We all are.

MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.

DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.

MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.

FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!

DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.

MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!

DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!

MOM: Now everything is fine.

DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.

MOM: There was a big sex.

FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!

(Everybody laughs.)

MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!

GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?

ALL: Yes.

GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.

newyorker.com:80/humor/

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Thursday, March 29, 2007 - 6:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
True story:
My daughter was in 3rd grade and came home all excited to tell us that we (the United States) might admit Puerto Rico as our 51st state. She asked if I knew that and I said 'yes I had heard that before.'
The she said, "I wonder where we're going to put it?!?!?"

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 10:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.


She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect
to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early
before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out
to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 2:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
A police officer pulled over a blonde and told her he had clocked her going 90 miles per hour. She replied, "That's impossible, I haven't been driving for an hour."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Monday, April 30, 2007 - 6:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Hellll-looo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Irishtxgrl
Member

12-07-2005

Monday, April 30, 2007 - 4:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Irishtxgrl a private message Print Post    
OMG LOL

Pamy
Member

01-02-2002

Monday, April 30, 2007 - 6:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Pamy a private message Print Post    
LOL!

Mak1
Member

08-12-2002

Sunday, May 06, 2007 - 2:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mak1 a private message Print Post    
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mr. I have the authority of the United States Government. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....no questions asked. Do you
understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture representative running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's
huge-horned prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets. The bull was gaining on
the rep at every step.

The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!! Show him your card!!"

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Sunday, May 06, 2007 - 4:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
A husband and wife were arguing continuously as they drove along. The husband looked out the window at a bunch of mules in a pasture. "Recognize you relatives?" he asked. "Yes" she said. "My in-laws."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 9:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Friday, May 11, 2007 - 4:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
"Mother's Wedding Dress"

A couple was getting married, and it was only
three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news.
"Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact
same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter.
"I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with
it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked.
"I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Saturday, May 12, 2007 - 5:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
An older woman went to the medical office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Monday, May 14, 2007 - 3:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."?

"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 - 3:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
SCHOOL REUNION

A man and his wife were sitting at a table at their high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
His wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," he sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My word!" said his wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Skootz
Member

07-23-2003

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 - 3:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Skootz a private message Print Post    
lol, thanks for the morning chuckles

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 - 6:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
you're welcome!

An Italian Son's Love For His Father

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He
wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.


The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Urgrace
Member

08-19-2000

Thursday, May 17, 2007 - 6:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Urgrace a private message Print Post    
TNT sent me this one. I think this lady is a member of TVCH!

"The Thief"


thief6
An elderly woman had just
returned to her home from
an evening of religious service
when she was startled
by an intruder.

As she caught the man in
the act of robbing her home
of its valuables, she yelled,
"Stop - Acts 2:38!"
(turn from your sin)
thief7

The burglar stopped
dead in his tracks.
The woman calmly called
the police and explained
what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture at you!" thief9

"Scripture?" replied the burglar,
"She said she had an AXE and two 38's."

thief10thief11 thth7


Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Thursday, May 17, 2007 - 8:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2 ) Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and
it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it anymore."

(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shall Not Steal," "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Lateeda
Member

12-01-2006

Friday, May 18, 2007 - 6:32 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lateeda a private message Print Post    
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.. "

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Cheri4angels
Member

11-15-2006

Friday, May 18, 2007 - 8:47 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cheri4angels a private message Print Post    
lol

Irishtxgrl
Member

12-07-2005

Monday, May 21, 2007 - 5:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Irishtxgrl a private message Print Post    
OMG he he he