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Archive through December 20, 2007

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Oct. 2007 ~ Dec. 2007: Free Expressions: Advice please....: Archive through December 20, 2007 users admin

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Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 3:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
No, it's not my intent, never is. It just angers me that there are men out there that are like that and think they can get away with it, and what makes me even more mad is that he made your sister "The other woman" without her knowledge. I am halfway to strapping on my pointy toe arse kicking boots and getting on a plane.

And while women might not always end up being "the other woman", often they end up getting shafted by some guy who thinks the entire world and all the women in it are their for his usage and at his disposal. ARGH!

If her safety wasn't an issue, I'd hope that your sister would be able to say exactly what she thought of him with no repercussions. Unfortunately, that probably isn't a good idea for her.

Scary thing though - this guy said to my sis last week "I have a conscience." Who says that??

Really? is that like Scott Peterson saying over and over again "I am not a monster" and "I am not an evil person".

Turns out he was....and looks to me this guy only has a conscience when it's convenient for him. Pfft to him. Hope your sister learns a lot from this experience and is able to find a good, meaningful relationship with someone who is not a complete....(self modded).

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 4:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Thanks for the explanation Sharinia. The line about protecting his son was an awfully good one. That was truly devious of him.

I'm very happy that you are able to recognize that there are good men out there as well (e.g. your husband). It's sad when some people are devious.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 5:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Here's the link to Zaba Search: http://www.zabasearch.com/

Sharinia
Member

09-07-2002

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 7:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sharinia a private message Print Post    
thx Mocha - apparently I have used this site before and my puter remembers, even if I don't

thanks Jimmer. yeah.. I'm glad too that my sis seems still willing to believe this (though she has her doubts of actually finding one)

and thanks Escapee.. ita

this guy really does remind me of Scott Peterson. i rewatched an old eppy i have of Amber Frey's appearance on Oprah. O asked Amber's attorney, Gloria Allred, if Scott Peterson was a 'sociopath.' and Allred said basically, hell yeah and more. Oprah asked why. Allred said he is a world class liar.

the guy my sis dated i think is in the same league


Sunshyne4u
Member

06-17-2003

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 2:43 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sunshyne4u a private message Print Post    
two sides to every story...WOW, thx for the more indepth description of what happened.

I didnt know that it was such a long affair and that your sister kinda turned a blind eye to the signs.

However moving forward, I personally dont think he is a sociopath or he wouldnt have had ANY remorse etc. Just the fact that he confessed about the son And later, about being married shows that he felt bad.

there is no reason to bring up something like that if it is just a "bed buddies" type of relationship. He obviously wanted her to know as he considered it more.

I would not advise your sister to try to communicate with his wife, indeed they could have an open relationship. We dont know. I know people who have open marriages. The only rule is not to fall in love with the other person and that the Partner is never confronted with their Husband/Wife's bed buddy.

World class Liar and selfabsorbed does not indicate that the person has a serious mental disorder.

Again, It is rare. AND I would suggest that it would be close to impossible for a police officer to have a serious mental disorder and no one ever noticed thru the years.

I think alot of his personality quirks could come from the job...like the ability to lie straightfaced.

However, the stats I've seen correlate Family Violence to Police officers. Just because someone is police doesnt mean they are not control freaks at home.

Oh well, I think your sister is safe. She wasnt the hidden 'other woman'. She ever met other police officers.

I think it is best to be cautious, but not let the fear of an unlikely murder take over day to day thought.

My ex was a compulsive liar. So were two of his sisters. That is just how some people's brain 'operate'.

Sharinia
Member

09-07-2002

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 4:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sharinia a private message Print Post    
thanks Sunshyne for your opinion

I agree that she should be cautious but I wouldn't want her consumed by fear, either

I have seen the stats correlating police officers with DV too

I'm not sure why you feel that my sis turned a blind eye to the signs? She was trying very hard to determine if this was the case, but he went to great lengths to lie about it.

If you are introduced to nearly 10 people close to the person you are dating, I don't know how you could still be highly suspcious that they are married. That would seem rather paranoid, imo

I don't think he 'confessed' anything out of guilt, but because my sister pressed and cornered him. He admitted to having a kid after she kept asking why he was unwilling to take a trip, etc. He admitted to being married after she searched the real estate records and learned that his house was co owned by another woman.

Guilt of course can be feigned (that is what sociopaths do). Besides, you think that a guy who flaunts his 'mistress' to 5 friends, 3 co workers, and a brother feels any guilt about it?? A guy who picks up a woman at a bar a month into his second marriage at the age of 31?

If there are 'signs' to be recognized, I think it is that this guy is a sociopath

I know ppl who lie and cheat too, but not like this

I realize that you all are giving your opinions w/o knowing all of the details - and again I appreciate it


Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 4:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Wouldn't having a child be one of the first things you told someone? That's odd to me, but it's easy to judge from the outside looking in.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 4:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Whoa, he went trolling one month after his second marriage. What a piece of work. (shudder)

Sharinia
Member

09-07-2002

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 6:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sharinia a private message Print Post    
yup Mames... my thoughts exactly

and now he is talking about leaving his wife. not because he has any complaints about her, but because he feels more attracted to my sis (atm)

anyone hear about drew peterson? a police officer in my area allegedly killed wives #3 & #4 (he made them look like accidents) - previously they were his mistresses.

Escapee, I think he hid that from her because he was hiding his whole family life.

My sis & I agreed at the time that it was a red flag that he hadn't told her sooner. We went back and forth about how forgivable it was... thought it may not be unusual for 31 year guys to hold back on their single parent status when they are first dating - that it doesn't necessarily signify evil. Maybe that was wrong thinking though.. dunno


Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 8:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
I would say picking up women in bars after being married for one month is a bit of a bad sign.

Beckie03
Member

07-05-2007

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 8:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckie03 a private message Print Post    
okay...so my problem might seem trivial to most people now...probably is. However, right now in my life, it's a huge problem. My mom has a problem with my boyfriend. We have been together almost 4 years BTW. My sister cannot stand my boyfriend. IT has been this way for a while, but I've been ignoring it and letting it get worse. Well tonight it did. I told my mom that my boyfriend wanted to go with us to my cousin's wedding. She flipped out saying that he couldn't because my sister wouldn't go (she really wouldn't...that's how much she hates my boyfriend). Unfortunately, I am not in the position to move out and neither is he. This is seriously put a strain on our relationship and I don't know what to do. I can't tell my mom to mind her own business because I come to her with all my problems because she is my best friend. I only want everyone's happiness and it seems like if I give in to my mom and sister's happiness, mine essentially falls to the waste side. So basically, my question is...should I follow my heart and stay with my boyfriend or should I just give him up?

Kitt
Member

09-06-2000

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 8:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kitt a private message Print Post    
If it weren't for your family, would you be happy with your boyfriend?

Have your family given specific reasons why they don't like him?

If they have, are they things you could address with your bf to improve the matter?

Does your mom treat your sister's boyfriends the same way?

I'd try and find out exactly what their problem is with him, and that might take more than just straightforward questions, and see if there is something you can do to make things better either by talking to your boyfriend or your family or both. If it's just that no one is good enough for their daughter then it's time for you to talk to your mom and tell her you're happy and she has to realise her daughter has her own life. If your family has some legitimate complaint about your bf then hopefully he will take that into consideration and you and he together can decide whether it's a reasonable complaint of theirs and something you can work on.

Remember it's your life but your family probably have your best interests in mind, so get to the bottom of why this is happening.

Kitt
Member

09-06-2000

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 8:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kitt a private message Print Post    
Sharinia, has your sister managed to try a proper break up with him yet? Is she going to?

Beckie03
Member

07-05-2007

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 8:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckie03 a private message Print Post    
yes, it if weren't for my family, I would be incredibly happy with him. Of course, I have my gripes, but there small and insigificant.

They don't like him because...he never finished high school (got kicked out)...and so he is so undecided on what he wants to go...a lot of avenues he wanted to do are closing, so he is trying to figure it out...just obiviously not quick enough for my mom. My sister...she just doesn't like him...the only problem with my sister, is that she tells my mom, my mom then comes to me with bs

I have tried to tell him that he needs to get on track and he really is trying the best he can. He's trying to go to school and he's starting to feel like my mom's pressuring him just to go to work full time...

and my sister doesn't have a boyfriend...but when she did...no she didn't treat him the same way.

Another thing with my boyfriend is his family is white trash and my mom really doesn't like his family and I'm thinking that is rubbing off onto him...


Kitt
Member

09-06-2000

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 9:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kitt a private message Print Post    
Then I think it's time to talk to your mum and say that you're aware that he made some bad decisions in the past and is a little indecisive, but you are working on that together and that her being judgemental is putting extra pressure on him just when he doesn't need it.

Meanwhile I'd sit down with your bf and make sure he doesn't miss any opportunities because of procrastination! If you can get him back on track then your mum will have nothing to complain about, and you'll feel better about politely but firmly telling her to respect your decisions and make an effort to get along.

And if your sister is just making trouble, or exaggerating, tell your mum that if she heard something from her that upsets her, to make sure she gets the true story from you. But try to help get him back on track, just for his future's sake, even if you're not together in the end. Now's the time, while he's young.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 7:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Beckie sounds like you need to sit your mom and sis down and tell them to stay out of your relationship, that you're an adult, and they need to respect your wishes and decisions.

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 8:33 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
Beckie, since the bf's attendance at the wedding seems to be the crux of this particular disagreement, I'd just decline the invitation. Explain the situation to your cousin and tell her that you don't want any drama to invade her special day and that you're sure she'll understand. Tell her that your bf and you want to get together with her the new spouse as soon as they're settled from the wedding & honeymoon. While this cousin may feel a bit sad for you not attending, I'm sure she will appreciate knowing that you will not allow your Mom's and sister's behaviors to infiltrate the day.

Then I'd tell your mother and sister that you're not going to the wedding at all. Tell them that they've put you into a terribly uncomfortable position, and rather than argue about things, you're not attending the wedding. Tell them that the wedding is about the bride and groom, NOT their issues with your choice of boyfriend. Once they find out that you make your own decisions and won't cower to theirs, they won't win this one. Sure, you'll miss out on a wedding you want to attend, but look at the big picture. Nobody croaks from missing a wedding. I love it when you can stop busybodies right in their tracks! I would NOT entertain any further discussion about this with them. They need to know that their opinions are not welcomed and that they're hurtful to both you and the man you are happy with.

Best wishes for a peaceful resolution to this!

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 9:04 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
ITA With Hukd on this!

Landileigh
Member

07-29-2002

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 9:50 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landileigh a private message Print Post    
very well said lori! <clapping>

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 9:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
What Huk said.

I'd also remind your mother that she should want you to be happy, and from your account, this BF is making you happy. He may not be perfect, but he is only a man and it sounds like he's really trying to do things to make your family happy. I hate to say this, but your mother and sister sound sorta toxic. And if your mother really IS your BFF, then she's really not acting like one. (And I'd tell sis to <77>, personally! <grin>)

And then I'd cut off all relations with them until they learn that it's either they become civil to your BF or this is it. No more.

It totally irks me when "family" think they can tell you who to love. If he's a good man, he's good to you, you love each other, you are both happy, then who the heck has the right to meddle? Seriously!

Scooterrific
Member

07-08-2005

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Scooterrific a private message Print Post    
Costa you go girl!!! Oh and ITA with you, and Hukd and Mocha!!!

Grooch
Member

06-16-2006

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Grooch a private message Print Post    
I agree also, but the one problem is that Beckie said she lives at home and can't afford to move out. That makes it kind of hard to cut off all relations with her mother.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Lol ita Costa!

Dahli
Member

11-27-2000

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dahli a private message Print Post    
I'm always amazed to find such helpful advice from 'strangers' and so today I find myself hoping for some for me.

My younger sister has a 14 year old daughter who had over the last year gotten in with a bad crowd and all the attending problems. Three months ago my youngest sister offered to take her into her home in another city - she enrolled her in a private school, got her involved in guitar lessons, riding lessons, dog handling classes, provided her with many of the things materially that she didn't have before along with a whole lot of structure. As this sister has resources, flexibility and contacts.

All seemed to be going well until the last couple of weeks and now all hell has broken loose. The child has been caught in lies, is not doing chores, has ruined expensive finishes in the home... is basically creating havoc and discord and lots of troubles at her job and with her relationship for the aunt and now she is threatening the mother with sending her back. Panic has set in for my younger sister who has just started a new job is on probation there and has a young son who has been bullied by his sister and is glad she is out of the house.

Our youngest sister was our last hope and I don't know what we will do if the 14 yr old is back here as there has still been some contact with the 'bad infuences' (and they are scary) who are just waiting to pounce on her. This is utterly terrifying as options are so limited and control is virtually non-existant. We as a family are coming up next week on the one year anniversary of losing our mom in a sudden and shocking fashion and along with that and the stresses of the season things are falling apart.

Sitting here at my computer shaking and feeling sick to my stomach turning to my clubhouse friends seemed logical...

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:37 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
(((((Dahli))))) I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially at this time of year, with all the additional stresses. All I can think of is that if she is this um, incorrigible, social services may have to be brought in to assess the situation and offer concrete advice and assistance.