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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 2:32 pm
Tex when I put him in his room on his bed I usually am right outside the door. He will come to the door and them slam it when he realizes that I'm there. Sometimes I go right in and tell him not to slam doors, sit down, your in time out yadda yadda. Sometimes I will ignore it to see what happens and that's when he will start in with the throwing things. Of course I go back in and we do what I said above. Then it takes forever for him to become rational enough to listen to me.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 2:55 pm
It sounds like you are playing into his tantrum. he is trying to keep you engaged in the fight. What if you took out anything in his room that he could truly damage or hurt himself with, then when he acts up, put him in his room and leave. Does it matter if he is sitting on the bed, floor, ect if he is in his room during time out? Tell him that he is to stay in his room 'x' amount of time or till he is calm whichever you prefer. If he does start throwing things ect..just let it play out. Don't keep going in there telling him to calm down. Completely ignore it. If you do feel the need, say in a very calm voice 'i will talk with you when you are calm'. just keep saying that if anything. then when it's finally played out, hug him, tell him you love him and that you can't hear him when he gets like that. it might take a few times, but he will learn that tearing up his room is not going to work.
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 4:06 pm
Tex lol, honestly, I have tried that method to. He then keeps throwing himself against the door. I guess I don't like that either so I will play into that as well. Calm does works the best for him. (sssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaammmmmmm Sam's learning how to spell his name and that was his contribution) I know he responds best to this but like you mentioned it takes forever for him to get to the point of calm to even hear me. I'm always telling him I cannot understand him when he yells and he needs to use his big boy words. It does work best but there are times of course when it doesn't too. I have to say that one great thing is that my daycare provider is totally on the same page as me. We both seem to use the same methods. For example what was working before was give him space to calm down and then he would come and say he was finished whatever it was. Last night I decided that this was not working well anymore and decided that it was now going to be my decision when he could carry on with life. Today when she called she told me that she had to start using a different method...lo and behold you can guess what that was. So this is a benefit for helping curb this stuff. When I talked to her today I suggested a behavior chart and she also thought this would work best with him as well. I just have to figure one out. I think I will initially have to reward his good behavior but I don't want it to have to be a requirement. For sake of example I'm thinking maybe a star for using his words instead of hands in a tough situation. Mocha I know where you stand on parenting. While I'm not against it at all because it's how I was raised, I just don't think it will work for me yet. I have given him a swat back if he cuffed me but at this point I just feel way to guilty about it. That and the fact that it is not DH's way at all and I think we have to be on the same page to make anything work. OK Panda I feel like I hijacked your question, where are you?
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 4:11 pm
Is he in any kind of preschool/day care environment? I am a huge supporter of day care and I certainly found in my son's case, nothing like another 3 year old to get you out of that tantrum. They dont work with other kids and it helps them to learn social skills. Maybe one or two afternoons a week.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 4:20 pm
I agree Maris. Socialization with other kids is very important.
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Panda
Member
07-15-2005
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 4:45 pm
No problem, Spitfire, I left to cook dinner and all that stuff... May I ask what birth board you participate in? I also have a birth board I am very active in. Dante is only 17 months old - I just used the term "spirited" because that seems to be what the term is these days. He was colicky (he had no digestion issues, gas, he just cried), impossible to put on a schedule, very bad sleeper, or very bad to put down for a nap, and just a little hard headed. I know it may seem young and may seem not so bad when I describe it but when he is having a meltdown it's awful. Diaper changes are a nightmare. He is just a strong little kid and has tons of energy-I am so secretly jealous of my friends that their kid goes to sleep @ 7pm! I have tried CIO, but that doesn't work here, he is an expert cryer! Funny thing is that the book you mentioned was recommended on my birth board and I did order it but it got mailed to a wrong address and I never received it. If it's worth a read I will look at it. Not every day is hard, and I really don't want to seem like I am just a complainer but I am really laid back and I had a rough pregnancy, then the colic, then him just being a little toughy! thanks for answering everyone!
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 4:48 pm
Yes he goes to daycare full time. Well not Monday and Wednesday mornings but other than that. I agree with both of you 100%. When I was on mat leave with Myla (which is 1 year here) Sam stayed in daycare for 2 days a week because I valued the social aspect of it as well as the fact that he needs time away from his "grind" as well. He has been there since he was 1. He is better behaved there but is starting to pull this stuff on a small scale there now to. They all feed off each other. Bad and good. My problem with picking up bad habits more lies in my nephews and thats a whole other battle but this is really about him because he has to learn how to make better choices than just following along. Man I really sound like my mom. LOL!
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 4:56 pm
17 months? he is a baby, dont worry so much. My son hated naps and I didnt push them, there were days he would end up falling asleep at 4:30 and sleeping all the way through. Didnt like going to bed either and he hated his crib. I ended up getting rid of the crib at 15 months, per the pediatrician's advice and throwing a mattress on the floor. Is it possible you are trying too hard to get him into a regimented schedule that he just doesnt want. If he doesnt want to go to bed at 7 why not let him stay up? Why stress yourself out imposing schedules. Take a few minutes and think abut what will make things stress free for you and easier. You may find that going with the flow will work better.
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 5:09 pm
Panda I know exactly how you feel and you don't sound like a complainer at all. It's really tough to be a parent. We are always thinking we should just be better at it but it's not that easy when you have a little person who doesn't want to co-operate.} Like I said I only read a bit here and there and pick it up on the occasion that I'm feeling bogged down by his attitude. In basic for me, it reminds me that for "spirited" kids it just goes deeper than the norm. When I got this book I wanted it as a resource tool. The first paragraph of Chapter one had my jaw dropping to the floor because it explained exactly how I felt. This is it... The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more. They are normal children who are {more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children. All children possess these characteristics, but spirited kids possess them with a depth and range not available to other children. Spirited kids are the Super Ball in a room full of rubber balls. Other kids bounce three feet off the ground. Every bounce for a spirited child hits the ceiling. She uses examples that described Sam to a tee. Example is transioning. The transision from play time to dinner time is a battle in itself. They simply have a hard time connecting one dot to the next, or one task to the next. That floored me because I have always had to give Sam warnings or a change so there is not a battle. BTW it's BabyCenter birthboard I'm on although I rarely go to Sam's I just post in Myla's. Is that where you go to? Sorry about all the spelling errors that are likely to be here but I gotta go watch BB
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Panda
Member
07-15-2005
| Tuesday, September 18, 2007 - 6:24 pm
Maris-funny thing is that I do not push at all for a regimented schedule, I tried when he was smaller but it always backfired. I agree with you 100% and have given that same advice to friends of mine. Thank you I appreciate you taking time to answer me. I am a very relaxed parent(and have been told that by a few...) but sometimes I wonder if I am NOT trying hard enough at things..does that make sense? Thanks Spitfire for the passage of the book...so hard to tell how Dante is going to be. He is very intense but is okay with other things. I know he has time to grow out of it but you know when you hear comments like: the girls were never like this, etc (from MIL) makes me nuts! Dante is a ball of energy, a strong kid, he will throw himself back, twist and turn to get out of situations. I compare it to Animal defense tactics...like the noodle legs when you want them to stand or if you try to pick them up and he lays flat on the floor..lol oh gosh when I am not in that moment with him I can laugh. I participate in Baby Weekly April 2006(used to be Pregnancy Weekly but they broke it up into seperate sections now).
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 4:25 am
Transition time is hard for most kids, especially when they are doing something they like and must leave it. Heck, I give my almost 18 year old son and 13 year old daughter advance notice of things still!!! It's tough when they do those flop backs or noodle legs, but as hard as it is, you can't get mad you just pick them up (or hold on tight) and do what you going to do.
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 7:04 am
lol Texannie, I give my 15 year old notice abut getting up. I go in at 6:15 and say you have to get up soon, 6:25 five more minutes, 6:30 get up, 6:40 GET IN THE SHOWER NOW!!!! It is hard to believe in two years he will be starting college. Who is going to wake him up then?
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 7:11 am
Tex and Maris I totally realize that he's no different than other kids. They are typically all the same. When I say transition is hard I don't mean he whines and complains about it, I mean it can be a complete meltdown and then 3 minutes later he will act like nothing happened and come for dinner.
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 7:20 am
Just be very careful when using the words transitioning, especially as he gets older. That is a buzz word that schools and teachers use to suggest that a child is ADD and should be on meds. I know when my son was in nursery school the principal threw out the words problems with transitioning. My son's kindergarten teacher warned me to be careful regarding the school pushing him to be tested and put on meds. I took the teacher's advice and while it was a challenge, getting through grade school with an energetic child who had a wicked sense of humor, we have made it to 11th grade.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 7:28 am
Spit, they only whine now.... LOL, i have been through the meltdowns too. if you have given the warning and he still has the meltdown, you just physically remove/make him. if you can just let him have his meltdown, that's great. when the meltdown is over, you just say 'ok, now we are leaving'. the point is for them to learn that meltdowns, throwing things, screaming ect does not get them what they want. maris, my son is finally good at getting himself up. my daughter is the one who loves the snooze alarm!!!
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 8:44 am
Is there anything wrong with hitting snooze 2 times? OK make that 3 some days. LOL Thanks everyone for your input. I am now working on my chart thingy. So far this is what I'm working with... Listening Using Words Helping Others Sharing Not Whining It needs tweeking for sure. I'm thinking of having little cut out pieces that I can laminate and put a piece of velcro on so that it can stick to the chart that way. Like an ear for listening well....something basic that he can participate in. Any suggestions on anything else?
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Scooterrific
Member
07-08-2005
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 9:00 am
No screaming like a girl!
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 9:25 am
Lol Scoot
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 9:44 am
i think four things is a good start. maybe add one thing in that is a 'ringer', something that he already does pretty much so he can see the positive feedback.
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Cinnamongirl
Member
01-10-2001
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 9:59 am
What a great idea Spitfire! And I agree with Texannie, a ringer would be perfect!! Panda, I have a 21 mth old boy, I couldn't get him on a schedule for anything so I gave up trying...and like magic..a few months later, at around 17-18 mths he just fell into one... up at 7am, nap for roughly 2 hrs at noon, then bed around 7:30pm...it was so bizarre, all that trying and it just happened on its own. Now if I could just get him to sleep thru night again. He was for awhile, then about a month ago...he started waking up just screaming like mad...no stopping, no settling down...its nuts!! I'm hoping its just teething...he seems to be just about ready to pop out a couple more..we shall see (and hope) And for diaper changes, yeah they can be brutal..and messy!! ick! I have a little box of toys that I use just for diaper changes, he chooses one or two to play with while I do the change or better yet, I put his pants/shorts on his face and play peekaboo, if i'm having fun, hes usually having fun...those usually work, but on accasion its just a straight up battle. Noodle legs!! LOL
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 10:33 am
A ringer is a great idea. What could that be though? Something as simple as washing hands before meals or do you think that is to easy? Next question oh wise ones.. What type of reward do you think you be good. I'm almost wondering if it should be reward enough at this point to see a happy face instead of a sad face beside his tasks. On the same issue what could I take away for a bad behavior day? The only thing he loves without a doubt is his before bed snack. Snack can be anything really. Crackers, apples, strawberries, Sun Chips, a cookie...a variety of things. I just wonder if the day is way to long for such a little person to remember that '10 hours from now I will not get a snack.' I think it has to be a "real time" thing besides the initial time out stuff.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 10:53 am
Spitfire, just jumping in here, but I've always made it a policy not to tie food into reward and punishment. Now the reward part is harder, because we all like to sometimes reward ourselves with an extra cookie. But I wouldn't tie a punishment, or "lack of privledge" as well call it in our house, to a snack. I think food should be separate because I want my child to develop healthy eating habits. I don't want her to become an emotional eater, ie. I'm a good girl so I get to eat, I'm a bad girl so I can't eat, etc. I think the behavior chart is a great idea. A sticker each day for good behavior and then a treat when so many stickers are earned. (A treat being a small toy or a game of basketball). For unacceptable behavior I will take away a night time story, take away bed time music, take away TV time. 3 is a hard age because they are still working on impulse control. When things were calm we'd talk about ways to control our anger. Ways to handle a situation rather than hitting, etc. We'd brainstorm and we'd practice. BTW, my daughter is 5. Usually threatening to take away TV time works on her, but some days she'll just pause, look at me, and go "okay" as if TV time is the price she's willing to pay to keep on misbehaving! LOL.
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 10:57 am
lol Brenda, I can remember my son once telling me he weighed the punishment he would get in school and then made the decision to do what he shouldnt have done. He was willing to take the punishment.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 10:58 am
Another thing I do: we don't do timeouts in her room. I wanted her room to be her sanctuary, a place where she wanted to go and be. We do timeouts on a little stool, wherever. No toys, etc. while you're in timeout, you just sit on the stool and wait. I will usually make sure I'm in another room. There have been times when she just refused to sit there and made a game of it. I was being engaged in a battle of wills. A few times I just called a timeout for myself, went and locked myself in my room. It is surprising to me how quickly that snapped her out of it. Parenting is tough. Each kid responds to different things. And once you figure out what works for your kid, 3 days later it no longer works.
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Spitfire
Member
07-18-2002
| Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - 11:11 am
Brenda thanks for jumping in!! I do feel the same way about the food issue. It's just truly the only things that he LOVES. That said it his snack while watching TV before bed and that may be something I could use but there again it's the timing issue. I have taken away stories before as well and he didn't like that. 3 is hard. I don't expect miracles. I just want to help him know that there is a easier way to communicate and everyone has a better day because of it.
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