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Archive through July 24, 2007

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Apr. 2007 ~ Jun. 2007: Free Expressions (ARCHIVES): Advice Please... (ARCHIVES): Archive through July 24, 2007 users admin

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Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Monday, July 02, 2007 - 7:24 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
I am so non confrontational, that I want to find the right words to say TO HER and not through e mails. I have been burned by that before. I really try hard to take the high road.

<48>

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Monday, July 02, 2007 - 7:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
Maybe tell her if she'd like to get together and discuss it, you can. I certainly wouldn't do it via email, though. Or, just don't answer at all.

You said, though, that you haven't heard her say anything bad, you've only had others tell you she did. Aren't the folks talking bad about her doing the same thing you're accusing her of doing?

I try (emphasis on try) to not say anything ABOUT others that I wouldn't say TO them.

If you do talk to her, don't be accusatory. Focus on what you know are facts and be gentle. Maybe tell her that you're a very low-key person who likes things to be even-keel and calm, while she is more high-energy and wants drama around her. That's all well and good if it's her style, but it makes you anxious (or whatever) and therefore you have distanced yourself a bit. Tell her you've had others mention things she's said about your sister and that while she's never said those things directly to you, it upset you that they were attributed to her.

Make the reason you've distanced factual yourself about you and your choices versus being accusatory towards her. Differences in style are valid reasons for distancing yourself. And that way, the door is open for her to learn rather than be defensive or for her to clear up any misconceptions that may have occurred due to the gossip others have told you about her.

Wow, I need coffee 'cause all that sounds pretty convoluted, eh? LOL

I hear ya, though. I've distanced myself from friends before and sometimes its necessary for your own sanity. Of course, as I said at first, you can always just ignore the email. :-)

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Monday, July 02, 2007 - 7:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Thank you for the advice. I did e mail her back this morning after she said "why are you avoiding me?! Let's do dinner, let's hang out"

*sigh*

I told her I had been very VERY busy at work, my younger sister just came home from boot camp and my youngest sister is staying with me. My brother broke his ankle and DH had a "sudden" and unexpected career change. (Which I am sure she knows allll about because she is chummy with his boss) Other than that I didn't divulge anything.

Twiggyish
Member

08-14-2000

Monday, July 02, 2007 - 7:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twiggyish a private message Print Post    
When my email isn't answered, I just figure the person either didn't get it, or they don't want to talk. I don't email very often anymore.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, July 02, 2007 - 8:03 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Sometimes it isn't even anything very sinister. They may just file it, get distracted and forget to write.

Now if you write repeatedly and they don't respond, then you should get a clue that they don't want to talk or aren't very good emailers!

Scooterrific
Member

07-08-2005

Monday, July 02, 2007 - 8:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Scooterrific a private message Print Post    
Sometimes it isn't even anything very sinister. They may just file it, get distracted and forget to write.

ROTFLMAO....I don't think I know anyone like that

Twiggyish
Member

08-14-2000

Monday, July 02, 2007 - 8:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twiggyish a private message Print Post    
Me either..LOL

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 10:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
OK so my almost 19 year old, very spoiled, niece sent me an email saying she and the guy she met on the internet in February, then actually met when her family came up here the first of July, are thinking of moving in together. Not sure if he will move there or she will move here. I've always taken the side of letting her decide herself - with some careful input. All she gets is yelling and screaming from her parents when she wants to do anything so me telling her not to do this isn't what she needs to hear. And she is almost 18, legally an adult. So here's the email I sent to her. I ok'd it with my hubby first since it's his brother's daughter. But as usual I'm having second thoughts. Here's the email [kind of rambles but then that's what niece and I do all the time in emails to each other]. Did I do wrong?

Hey niece,

Wow didn't realize you guys were so serious. It's something to think about. I'm not going to tell you what to do one way or the other. But because I love you I am going to give you some opinions. Unasked for, but as your Auntie it's my responsibility. But know that no matter what you decide I will be on your side because I will love you no matter what. [ok 'nuf of the mushy stuff.]

As far as bf moving down since he has an established job and the way the job market is these days he'd probably be stupid to leave it unless he had already found a place to work and it was steady. As far as you moving up yes you do have a job but you can find that kind of job anywhere. Sounds as if bf has a decent job that could be one for life, that might be hard to find anywhere else at least until he has more experience with this job since he has no formal training.

AS far as moving in together make sure you are totally ready for it; that it is what you really want to do. Dating somebody and living with somebody are two totally different stories. When you live with somebody there has to be alot of give and take. It can't be all about what you want; it can't be all about what he wants. If you have an argument you can't just "break up" as you will have responsibilities with the apartment and such. You have to really want to work at it and know even through the bad times - and yes there WILL be bad times, there is in every relationship - you will have to realize that both of you will have to work hard at it. Not just you. Not just bf. BOTH of you.

AS far as your mom and dad goes you are 18 so you can do what you want. BUT if you go against their wishes they might not help you at all, no matter what. But then again they might. There might be alot of arguments. There might not. If they get angry with you now they might come around later. They might not. Some of the things they say or do you might not understand but they love you and only want what's best for you. So this decision needs to be made with your head, not just with your heart and/or hormones. But most of all IT'S YOUR DECISION!

Some of the things you will need to think about. Do you know how to make and live on a budget? Do you pay your own car insurance now? If you don't once you move out you will have to and you need to put that in the budget. Health insurance. Once you move out of your folk’s house you will not have any. Or you might but if you aren't going to school full time that will probably end when you turn 19. [This would probably end at 19 if you didn't got to school and were still living at home. It's just the way most insurances are.] Nothing says you have to have health insurance but if you don't and get sick you have to pay 100%. Your lucky about car repairs because bf could probably fix alot of them. Who pays for your cell phone? If it's your parents, that might stop. I'm not trying to be negative here. Just trying to make sure you realize that some of the stuff you don't worry about now you will have to worry about. There are so many more things that will be in the budget, but I tried to hit on the ones that you take for granted.

OK once again I'm on your side no matter what. I just am the type that likes to dig in and see what might go on. You have to take the good with the bad. I've touched on alot of the bad or possibly negative. But there will be good too. So you just have to weigh everything and see what you think is best. One thing that works is taking a piece of paper and drawing a line through the middle of it. On one side write PRO. On the other side write Con. Under pro write all the good things about doing it. Under con write all the bad or negative things, or things that would make you not want to do it. You can do 3. One for you moving to XXX, one for bf moving to XXX, and one for leaving things the way they are right now. And just look at them. Just because one has more pros than cons, or vice versa, doesn't mean it's the right one to decide on. Or if one has more cons than pros doesn't mean it's the wrong one. It's just a way to get info on paper so you can think about it more clearly than trying to do it in your head.

XXX is the actual website for the apartment you were looking at. You can get floorplans and stuff. XXX is not bad at all. We go there alot to shop. $599 might be a little high but I'm not sure. Is XXX where you guys will want to live? Is that close to bf's work? I can do some research. I'm pretty familiar with the area since we did all the house hunting, and we drive around alot. If you want me to do some research I will. OK I probably will even if you don't answer but I won't share anything unless you want me to. Just let me know if you want some more options or if there is anywhere you guys would rather live than XXX.

I know this might seem as if I am against you doing anything. It isn't. This will be the biggest decision you have ever made in your almost 19 years. I just want you to look at all sides so you can make the best decision FOR YOU.

And remember this: uncle & I love you lots!!!!

Auntie T


Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 11:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
Just wondering...if her parents scream and yell, how did she get spoiled, and by whom?

I think you're a cool Aunt for how you talk with her. I have one niece who has come to me a lot over the years because her father (my ex-brother) is a con man, has been in jail, uses drugs, etc., and her mother was only concerned with her own needs. I even took that niece to Planned Parenthood for birth control when she was 15 because she knew she couldn't talk to her parents. I love my relationship with her, and it sure looks like you love your niece a lot, too.

I don't think you said anything wrong at all, nor do I think you were wrong for writing it in the first place. She probably wrote to you because she values your opinion. It's especially nice that your dh has read it and "approved" it. Carry on and don't look back in worry. You done good!

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 11:07 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
She got spoiled by the same parents that scream and yell at her. It's a weird family. Mostly her mom yelling. That's just the way she is. And she's worse since their oldest ran away with the carnival [I KID YOU NOT!] got pregnant and ended up on their doorstep. So they are trying to stop her from doing what her sister did. But she is so starved for love w/o conditions it's pathetic. Actually this guy is the best that she's been involved with, even tho she's known him for awhile. [Aunty and Uncle had him checked out w/o her or his b and sil knowing. We got connections.]

I've been that way with all my step kids, nieces, and nephews. Talk to me about ANYTHING. I won't run to mom and dad. IF I decide mom and dad really need to know [like when 16 yo nephew got his gf preggers] WE will decide how to tell them, not ME. In one case with this niece's older sister I did go to mom and dad because she refused, but she was doing meth around younger sis and for younger sis's protection mom and dad needed to know but older niece said no.

But now that niece is 18 I don't think I need to consider her mom & dad in anything I tell her tho I try not to bash them or anyone, just try to show both sides of the story. I asked hubby to read it as it is his niece too and his b and sil he'll have to deal with.

Thanks Hukd.

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 11:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
I have also told nieces and nephews that they can trust me with anything...UNLESS I think they are putting themselves in danger. They know that only I will make that decision. They keep coming to me with their "problems" so I must be doing o.k. with that whole danger thing. lol

Thanks for clearing up that part that confused me. Poor kid, it must be tough to live in the shadow of the older sister and have to deal with different rules because of her actions. What does she do in the carnival, btw?

Rissa
Member

03-20-2006

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 11:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
Serate, I think you did great. As an Aunt you don't have the same authority over her so there is really no point in TELLING her what to do even if you wanted. I think the only thing I would change/add is about the rental lease. Ask her to really think about what would happen if they break up months into a year lease and one leaves. She would either be left in a position to have to track him down and sue him and meanwhile paying 100% rent on her own or she would be the one who would have to move (home?) while still paying half-rent for remainder of lease. When I managed a rental property I always tried to urge the really young couples to never rent anything they couldn't EACH afford to pay for all on their own.

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 11:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Serate a private message Print Post    
What DID she do in the carnival? Slept around. Nothing else, just slept around. She ran away from home at 19 to hide from police on underage dwi and child endangerment (had a 2 year old in the care with her when she crashed). They let older daughter do what she wanted [even tho mom screamed at her all the time, they would let her walk out with any guy, sleep with any guy, etc.] Younger daughter grew up seeing what her sis got to do. Sis is now single mother with her own apt that welfare pays for. Older sis is a hero in younger sis' eyes. So part of me thinks the best thing for younger niece would be to get the heck out of dodge and start living her life.

Rissa that's in the next conversation if there is one. Along with utility costs, food costs, the fact that she might have to choose between gas for her car and food for her tummy. She didn't ask for any advice, I just gave it. *L* But I would imagine that he would be the one to sign the lease if she didn't have a job and she would be listed as a resident. That's how they did hubby and I before we got married and I didn't have a job. The apt mgr didn't want anything about me on the credit app. since we weren't married.

I can see IF they decide to move in together her mom and dad will harp so much that the bf will quit his job and move there. I love my niece but if they are going to move in together I want them to do it in his town so he doesn't lose his job. So IF they decide to move in together I'm going to gently push for her moving. His job he fell into, decent paying - if you know how to budget which he seems to do. You have to have schooling and experience for this job, but he "fell" into it with no schooling and very little experience. 5, 10 years down the road he could up and move and probably find a good paying job in the field. but 9 months into a job where you need a degree and experience, he's better off where he is.

And people just don't understand when they tell me at least you have moved closer to family and I say "And that's supposed to be a good thing?" *L*

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 1:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Our neighbors behind us want to replace the back fence. Fine and dandy, but we can't afford to pay half as they want us to. DH can do most of the work because he works later day hours, but I think they are kinda mad we won't foot half the bill. The fence is old, and we just moved here a year ago. It isn't falling down just yet, and we reinforced it with some T posts when we moved in. Are we being bad neighbors? Now, our neighbors to the east said they'd pay for the side fence if DH would help install it. He's good at fencing, and Dh gladly said YES.


Yes, the back fence is ugly, but it's not a priority for us to have it replaced. We have to get a new roof first and foremost before it begins to leak. The fence could fall down and i wouldn't give a hoot, I'd just put Boo and Dusty inside.

Kitt
Member

09-06-2000

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 2:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kitt a private message Print Post    
Escapee, can you ask them if you can pay a smaller proportion of the cost in exchange for your dh doing all the work? If they had to pay for someone else to do it that would be a big portion of the cost, so you are actually saving them money in some way. Or else I'd suggest you say you can't do that now, but set on an agreed time to do it, like next spring.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 3:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
So the question is: Are you being a bad neighbor by not wanting to pay for a half a fence and replace it according to your neighbor's schedule?

Answer: No

(I like Kitt's suggestions as a starting point for how to deal with it)

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 3:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
Wow, we replaced our fence about 8 years ago and it honestly never occured to us to go and ask either one of the neighbors (we have one next door and one behind us who share the fence) to share the costs! We did go over and inform both what days we'd be working on the shared fence and roughly how long it'd take and that we (or rather the guys, lol) would probably be in their yards while doing it. Darren and my bil would probably have jumped up and down if one of them had offered to come and help replace the fence that fenced in both our yards!

I'd start with Kitt's suggestion. Let them know you have other home improvement projects that are more important right now (and a roof definitely comes first!) and maybe you can make arrangements for either doing it later on or having your hubby build it if they buy the materials.

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 4:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
No, Escapee, they have no right to be mad. It would probably be real "nice" if you could afford to do it, but you are a young couple with young children. You have to have your priorities.

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Monday, July 23, 2007 - 4:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
Escapee, another thing to consider...in my city, whoever pays for the fence on adjoining property, must put the GOOD side towards the neighbor. I don't know why, but that's the way it is. If your neighbors put one in, you might want to check your local codes. You could wind up with the pretty side!

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 6:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Ok, another neighbor question. When it rains it pours, I'll tell ya.

Ok, we live on a quiet cul-de-sac. There are kids (at least 2) in every house except two. The houses on either side of ours do not have children in them. However, neighbors to the east have known my DH since he was a baby, and consider our children their nieces. Neighbors to the west, their children and grandchildren are all grown up. They are probably in their late 60's.

Now, all the kids in the neighborhood are a lot older than my kids. I think the next closest in age is 10, and my oldest is 4 today.

Yesterday the old man came over and said that one of his "lawn statues" (which was very thin plastic made to look like cement) got broken and for my mom to keep my children out of his yard. Immediately my mom went over to inspect the damage, which she felt was due to age and being out in the sun. But of course, trying to be good neighbors for us, she offered to replace it and he snapped "It can't be replaced, just keep those kids out of my yard" and then he said "Every time I go on vacation I come home to something knocked over or broken. What's next? A rock through my living room window?"


My mom was stunned. She asked if maybe one of the neighborhood cats could have done it and he snapped "It wasn't a cat! Keep those kid (pointed at my two little girls) out of my yard!"

She called me immediately and told me about it. I thought she was exaggerating, because these neighbors are the sweetest, christian, nicest neighbors ever. But, my sister, who is 14 and staying with me, said that my mom wasn't exaggerating and that the old man was really rude to her.

Now, all the neighborhood kids play all over everyone's yard. Hide and seek, baseball in the cul-de-sac, everything. Typical kids having fun. It's why we moved to this neighborhood.

My question is this: Should I go over and talk to this neighbor? I wonder if he went to all the kid's house and informed the parents to "keep the kids out of his yard"?

Also, we do not let our children play out front by themselves. My mom says she doesn't either, but the yards are only separated by a mow strip, and our houses are pretty close together. But, they are not "playing" in his yard, or hanging out in it. If they do go into his yard, chasing a cat or something, we make them come back into our yard. I have never seen my kids in his garden, or anywhere else he keeps his "attractive nuisances". ALSO, a rock through the window from my two girls? They are babies. That's kind of far fetched to me to assume that.

I have to say I am a little ticked at this neighbor for making a big to do with my mom and not waiting for me or my DH to come home. Should I go and talk to him?

Rissa
Member

03-20-2006

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 7:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
Eww Escapee, I would be fuming!! I would write him a very polite letter (because I wouldn't trust myself not to erupt if he mouthed me off like he did with your mother) telling him that your children are being supervised by your mother and you would appreciate knowing what time that care was being neglected. As far as you are aware your children were never on his lawn. If he could please advise you as to exactly what time he SAW your childen destroying his property? Otherwise both your children and your mother would appreciate an apology as they were quite traumitized by the accusations and level of hostility.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 7:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
That's just the thing, how does he know if it was my kids if he was on vacation?

I want to say "did you SEE my kids break your stuff? Have you ever seen them playing in your "garden"?" and

"If you have an issue, put up a fence."

My mom was saying yesterday "Put up a fence, put up the goddiest, okiest fence you can find, that'll shut em up."

Of course, I don't want to have to do that, as I want to get along with all my neighbors. It's bad enough with Gladys Kravits watching everyone. WAIT, I'll bet she saw who did it, I'll ask her. BESIDES, we've been gone. We were gone alllll day saturday and sunday when it apparently got broken. Hmmmm.

Rissa
Member

03-20-2006

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 7:29 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rissa a private message Print Post    
Chances are he was having a bad day and was blowing off steam at the nearest victim. It's up to you whether you let him get away with it. I am the type to hold onto stuff like that and it festers and festers. LOL I would write him the letter and if he didn't respond, I would write him again and again and again. I would emphasize that I consider property damage a very serious problem and that I needed to resolve this issue so he really needed to provide proof or apologize and I would drive him batsh** until I broke him. I know it's petty (and take into account his age which you know and I dont) but because he upset your kids it's justified. You also don't want your kids to think that whether or not they do something wrong they will get yelled at so they might as well have the fun of doing the crime.

Or you could fantasize about the ultimate revenge, vetch about it to everyone you know, have a stiff drink and then forget about it too. LOLOL

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 7:39 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
I think I might go and ask him when they were broken and how often does he see my kids in h is yard. Then I might ask him if he told the other neighborhood parents to keep their children out of his yard because, there are more kids in the neighborhood than just mine.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 7:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I'm a bit confused. You start by saying:

these neighbors are the sweetest, christian, nicest neighbors ever

Are they or aren't they? Maybe he was just having a bad day? If he was maybe you shouldn't make a big deal of it and it will blow over.