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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 28, 2006 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 28, 2006 "Each choice we make causes a ripple effect in our lives. When things happen to us, it is the reaction we choose that can create the difference between the sorrows of our past and the joy in our future." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In horoscope news, today might not be the best day to hire a spycam finding monkey. Today's mishaps will come in the shape of a toad, whilst salvation will come in the shape of a large truck Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The medical degrees you claim you possess were not worth the 70 euros you paid for them through PayPal. Half of what I say is meaningless...the other half is pure gold, purer than any snow that ever fell. Purer than the white cover on that classic Beatles' album. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Crawl into the nearest phone box and paint the inside pink in honour of bicycle pumps. Your left could do with a makeover so perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to a lawyer or a banana seller. Its always good to stock up on basketballs and mushy peas. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You believe that the pyramids were built from pizzas by small furry aliens who constantly say the word "Ooot". Grab an umbrella and rotate it around your head several times to remove the ancient curse of King Snandequierf from your elbows. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Respectfully listen to the opinion of the wise hedgehog who lives in your back garden. He knows more then you've forgotten, and it would be very stupid of you to expose yourself to him again. All flowers will stink of lemons this week. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your pedestal is going to be kicked out from under you today, as loved ones will embellish you with hateful phrases. The life of a party you most certainly aren't this weekend. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may feel tempted to share your bed with a roadworks sign and feed it grapes. However a more creative idea would be to chop down a pine tree with a horse and dance like a pixie when you succeed. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Attraction to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including (but not limited to) cartoon characters and clowns. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Pants, socks, t-shirts, sweaters. These are all parts of your wardrobe. Remember this. The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realise you have other stronger ties. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 31, 2006 - 4:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young." - Henry Ford -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Robots tend to have more luck than you at finding love. This week will see no alteration of that sad fact, however, it is possible that a robot may fall in love with you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff." That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Any long-lasting thoughts about colours will fade later today. "Hunky-dory" - a beautiful phrase that will sum up the day, week and month for you. You see, it's just going to be tip-top from here-on-in and the smile on your face is going to bug the living heck out of everyone Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Although you may try to pass yourself off as a second level wizard, your skills are so feeble I doubt you could open a book by only using your tongue Leo (July 23 - August 22) It would be a good idea to get silver-plating on your elbows. This could potentially increase you luck and you may find yourself pumping petrol into cars owned by bananas. You don't own any leprechauns so avoid grafting spare limbs onto your chin with a spatula Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Do something unexpected, like pretend you're Monty Hall all day. Walk around the city yelling at random people, "Are you sure you want to go with door number two?" Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've always wanted to plant a turnip in your back yard and nurture it by playing a loud bass drum every night Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Rearranging the furniture in your home might be a good idea at this moment in time. Wear a yellow party hat and cover everything with plastic before you smash things up with a spade and set fire to your collection of Hello Kitty underpants. Try to collect flowers which smell like panda bears. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your toe will be stomped on by a magic clown. He will release caterpillars into your home in order to enhance all your Brazil nuts with procrastinating mice and replace all your hammers with raisins. Its always in your best interests to worship mad antelopes and get stung by a jellyfish every 2 weeks. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Focus on home affairs. If you spent more time writing poltical newspaper articles about genetically modified lemons you won't be attacked by rubber ducks any more. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 04, 2006 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, August 4, 2006 "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right moment, but far more difficult, is to leave unsaid the wrong thing in the tempting moment." Benjamin Franklin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) you plan to go out this evening be sure to bring plenty of elephant pheromones incase you decide to go on a safari in NORWALK, CT. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your friend may convince you to go deep-sea diving inside a can of beans. Do not feel threatened by this gesture as your friend is only trying to help you remove the antelope-shaped wart off your chin. In a time of crisis, glove puppets are always the best advisors so don't set fire to them. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A magic clam will find its way into your day and shower you with plastic replicas of J-Lo's nose. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Its your choice whether or not you want to play cricket with walnuts or chess with banana-flavoured sponge. Always quiz the person who owns the least number of chickens. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today might see a need for you to call attention to yourself, and we're always happy to recommend faxing semi-nude pictures of yourself to random numbers. Gambling with your possessions always seems like a good idea at the time. However, you should be aware that much of your meddling will eventually lead to a loss of limbs for someone. It's going to be one of those days, I really, really apologise. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your collarbone shines like a torch whenever you pass by a gnome village. Wearing a porridge bowl on your head could guarantee a cheaper train ticket if you are prepared to put your elbow in a sandwich toaster and say out loud, "I love throwing grapes at people in the summertime". Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Waiting for a lift to come is like going down the stairs, only less calories. See? Many of the solutions given to you in life make you feel like there's no hope. This is true. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Heaven knows what kinds of things are going to happen you today. All I'm able to tell you is that it's going to be hectic and possibly traumatic. It's hard though because that could just be what's on television, and not what's going to happen to you. It's a hard life being an astrologer and trying to see exactly what's going to happen to YOU. Specifically You. Sorry Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) sID may be a lucky name for you this week. Sid may be a fighter pilot and he may be able to hook you up with anyone you fancy because he's just *that* connected. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelace and stare at a friend's crotch. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will be full of computer related mishaps. Hope in your heart is all well and good but you know deep down inside that when your computer crashes, it will not have automatically saved the document you'd been working on for the past four hours. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Love comes when you least expect it. 36% of all romances start in the toilet. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to. -------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 07, 2006 - 3:36 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 7, 2006 The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart. * Mencius -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Deft swift strokes of the hand when writing may be the turn-on that a work-chum needs to show their true feelings for you. However, that love may vanish when they realise that the letter is a final written warning and a suggestion that they clear out their desks before security arrive Taurus (April 20 - May 20) When opening the door for a stranger, take care to notice any loose change that they may drop so that you can slam the door in their face, grab the money, and then run for dear life. The hospital may become a familiar place over the coming two weeks, although for what reason the mystics are surprisingly opaque. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Significant other, or S.O., is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "that thing I know" or "unstranger". Cancer (June 21 - July 22) you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed. Today will be fraught with exciting wonderment and thrills for at least somebody you know Leo (July 23 - August 22) The tattered remains of your heart will serve you well today. They will prevent you being at all charitable and will enable you to purchase ridiculously high price-tag items that your own credit card will not afford you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. COMICAL underwear will make you more alluring to the opposite sex Libra (September 22 - October 22) Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Whistle constantly at work until someone asks you to stop. Then hum. Repeat until fired. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) We're each the star of our own personal saga, which in your case is actually more of a light-beer commercial. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, you should wait before introducing your new line of inspirational office posters
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 3:41 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 9, 2006 Here lies the great gift of the Spirit; though we may have lost our way, when we come to that realization, we discover the path once again. --Dr. Lauren Artress -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) For enlightenment, try pondering this Zen riddle: "What does the underside of a turtle's belly look like?" Good luck. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause, say to try and scrape off some unspeakables from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it. However, if you keep the unspeakable on your shoe and meet your serendipitous friend, the smell might be off-putting enough to close the deal. It's a funny old world. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your over-sized toe may get in the way should you decide to sell onions on the black market. Prepare yourself for a few surprises as you never know when someone will pick up a cat and whack you round the face with it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Office politics may cause problems for you today if you arrive with a comedy tie. When you steal copyrighted material, make sure you do it in a comical fashion. That way you can claim "fair use" and hold up court proceedings...at least until they find you guilty of stealing copyrighted material. An application to receive an award from a website may go very successfully today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Don't let others stifle your creativity. It's alright to make paintings out of french onion soup. You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Avoid all vending machines as they will only serve you frogspawn. If you get the opportunity to fight for a cornflake then do so. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You need to find a stick in a puddle of mud and become best friends with it. This act of friendship will bring more turnips into your life and your fingernails will no longer look like tree frogs. Remember this rule in combat - a sponge cake has the same drilling power as a sock. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Transparent bananas have never removed jellyfish from chimpanzees or complained about the levels of sodium in their underpants. Find a good magazine article about bears and read it to everyone you meet. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You appear to have developed an unhealthy obsession for octagonal-shaped houses. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Tangerines may no longer show signs of trench foot. This could cause some confusion within your eyeballs if you plan to knight your best friend with a spatula and declare this day to be a public holiday devoted to the worship of plastic horseshoes and coffee ice cream.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 3:58 pm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. I was hoping the ratbastards would give me big scallops. LOL
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 11, 2006 - 3:46 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, August 11, 2006 } When you embrace uncertainty and include intention and detachment, then the most improbable happens. That’s what we call a miracle. --Deepak Chopra -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be provoked by a spotty teenager. Don't rise to him. Your ability to think up lies on the spot may be challenged this week. Don't be afraid to run really fast - problems will catch up, but at least you've given yourself a few minutes to think up some idiot explanation, Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be drawn to a Hollywood Great from the 1910's this month, even though, at the moment, you have never even heard of her. Rene Garawayde was the originator of the shocked hand-over-the-eyes look used extensively in the silent era to signify 'walking into wind'. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Watch your tongue. This is easier said than done. Even if you constantly hold a mirror in front of your face, you will only be able to see your tongue when your mouth is open. For full tongue surveillance, you need to get a lollipop shaped mini-camera, complete with light, and suck constantly on it - whilst viewing the output on a portable TV Cancer (June 21 - July 22) SOMEONE will irritate you today by using the word 'viruses'. Waking up and shouting at the dog means you're a grumpy person, today. Lighten up and leave Rover alone. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Apples, but not peaches or plums, will help stimulate your more optimistic singing voice this month, especially for those being affected by seasonal typhoons. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Listen to your neighbor's meanderings for no more than 7 minutes tops before claiming there is something in the oven you must urgently attend to. Your neighbor will recognize this as the international time traveler's sign of '10-4 over and out' and will completely understand your speedy exit. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Fun times lie ahead but be wary of those who offer you fun via emails. You may find that some messages you see today will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Avoid oriental cuisine 5 days either side of this date, but, if this is unavoidable, try not to sit near an open window. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your optimal meditation color this month is purple with yellow stars, and you chant sound is "ppppptttfffft" (using pursed lips). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What IS this moment called now? And to whom does it belong? When you watch the news and they say, 'Today... this or that happened', don't you ever want to say, 'Well it didn't happen to me'?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 3:42 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, August 15, 2006 Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. Walter Lippmann (1889 - 1974) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Mars is travelling through the centre of Pisces, so now would be a good time to wear a scuba-diving kit, tape yourself to beanpole and scream for attention, in the hope that someone will set fire to your pants. Water droplets may get in the way if you intend to sleep with Keanu Reeves. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be left dumbfounded this evening when a man wearing nothing jumps out of your birthday cake, only to be followed seconds later by half a dozen police officers who, one by one, exit the triple-chocolate dessert in pursuit of the nude offender Virgo (August 23 - September 22) As Mars moves through Virgo its always best to avoid putting your eyeballs in the deep freeze for longer then 20 seconds. This could cause complications when you put them back in your skull as you may start seeing flying tadpoles with resemble the Olsen Twins, floating around your home. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A taxi-line may be a surprising place for love to strike today. And of course, you'll be parted without getting each others phone numbers or having any chance of meeting again because they just arrived on the train and don't live anywhere near here. Still, love can do that, can't it? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Gold, Silver, Jewels. They're all smashing but ruddy expensive. You might want to lower your expectations if the stars are informing correctly. Indeed, you'll be lucky to get a plastic spoon as a gift than any of the above. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you think whether you're as committed as you ought to be. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A family of mountain goats have made their way into your home and are eating all your salad. Do not provoke them buy stuffing Belgian bread in your ears and singing out loud in a high-pitched voice. A better solution would be to wear an pink tutu with one purple and one orange toe shoe. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Pickles are a source of joy for you this week. A nearby construction company may approach you this morning in an attempt to fool you into thinking that the world is about to explode. Purple clouds are not usual, nor is red rain. You really must stop pretending that the pictures your niece draws are real. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Baked beans can help graft a new limb to your eyeball for making cups of coffee on a morning, but your steel-plated croutons will not get enough rabbits Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your life involves spending all your time trying to compute the amount of gelatin needed to create 3 lumps on a motorcycle --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, August 17, 2006 - 4:46 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, August 17, 2006 I've grown to realize the joy that comes from little victories is preferable to the fun that comes from ease and the pursuit of pleasure. Lawana Blackwell, The Courtship of the Vicar's Daughter, 1998 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) One of the things you've always liked about life is how seemingly lucky you are. Expect big changes this week, ya jammy wanker. The dead are unlikely to rise from their graves today, but this should not deter you from starting your "Anti-Zombie" fan club. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Crossing your arms, legs and fingers is fine. Any rumours you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. You are finally ready to face the world as yourself this week, so don't be afraid of anything. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as you'll need it sometime around 4pm. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelace and stare at a friend's crotch. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Only love can break your heart...but trans-fatty acids will also have a damn good try Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance. Although you may try to pass yourself off as a second level wizard, your skills are so feeble I doubt you could open a book by only using your tongue Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You develop financial muscle tone by resisting temptation to spend needlessly, but that doesn't answer the million-dollar question: Should you upgrade your computer now or not? Figure this out later in the week. ----------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 18, 2006 - 3:59 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, August 18, 2006 "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Pluto's conjunction to the left of centre will present itself to you as a humorous hat and coat. Dancing is well starred, but only with dancy-sticks with silvery knobs for a handle. Favour the words 'Ker-cha!' when ending your routine. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware men in orange socks and bow ties not from a circus. You are in danger of a Jamie Lee Curtis type experience with a man wearing a hockey mask unless you floss daily. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your favoured coloured sock (purple of course) will turn up missing, it will be found on the 15th of january, 2008. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A new baby, or a wild animal that likes nothing better than to scream at the top of its high, screechy, range, is about to enter your life in the most unexpected of ways. Stock up on baby food and dried animal pellets, always favouring products with banana or papaya in them. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Citrus fruits, especially lemons, but not oranges, will provide a delightfully crisp-upon-the-pallet solution to a culinary based cheesecake type dilemma. Libra (September 22 - October 22) An old argument that you had with a school friend in the 1980's that you thought had been forgotten about, is set to annoy you once again this month (is vinyl better than cassette tapes?) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) 'Heaven Must be Missing an Angel' is your favoured absent minded singing and whistling song for the rest of the month. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Alice in wonderland, now there was a lady who wasn't big on being small. And I'm not an astrologer who is keen on avoiding making daft puns. However, you're going to meet the king of puns over the next few days and every romantic tingle you've ever felt will be made to be embarrassed at how pathetic they were in comparison. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) COLOURS that hurt the eyes should be avoided as far as possible today. I have heard it oft said that your star-sign defines who you become. This is gibberish, stop reading this junk! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 21, 2006 - 3:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 21, 2006 I loathe the expression 'What makes him tick' ... A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm. - James Thurber -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Now would be a good time to increase the amount of money in your life. Disinfect your pet squid with ice cubes, and roll around in mud. This will not only increase your wealth but it will also make people think you are affiliated with Bryan Adams Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You worry too much about the curvature of your eyeball. You tend to apply black nail polish to your teeth and over-analyze your relationship with chocolate covered gloves Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find that your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are. Your ability to speak may be impaired today as you attempt to swallow half of a live hedgehog. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after losing a "wacky race". Something will stir your memory today and it may take a few hours for you to resolve your sense of deja vu Virgo (August 23 - September 22) As Mars moves through Virgo, you may want to consider suspending a sausage roll from your ceiling and headbutting it whenever you think of moles. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Consider dressing up as a moose and watching Seinfeld. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Everyone secretly admires a plastic moth so buy yourself a shirt with at least 3 buttons. You could end up buying an entire cutlery set made out of cheese. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you are in doubt, just embalm a lampshade with noodles and dance around a trumpet 3 times. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try to absorb plants into your skin in order to make yourself into some kind of Marvel Super Hero. You may develop a sudden interest in the backs of things today. Wearing gloves may make you feel like you're a master criminal, but you may be best to avoid wearing gloves with your name emblazened on the palm. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Some conflict will be introduced early on, which should resolve itself by the end. Hang on, these are the notes for my screenwriting class. Sorry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 23, 2006 - 10:12 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 23, 2006 Benjamin Disraeli: Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't eat anything green for eight hours. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. Leo (July 23 - August 22) With your overabundant enthusiasm, you’re likely to mistake the smile from the Federal Express man as eternal love. This month, try to let your date make some of the romantic decisions. Otherwise, just get a blow-up doll and avoid the confrontations Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Ruled by the planet Venus, you don’t know whether to overindulge in fine wine and epicurean delights or buy the case of “2 Buck Chuck” and split the bill with your date. Lock your sensible self in the closet and find your really happy place. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) When was the last time you roller skated? Why not skate down nostalgia lane this week and do the backward skate? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Stop spending money on things you don’t need; this includes pointy shoes, trucker hats and summer tank tops. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) \ Plan to make a statement. A connection you make with someone will benefit you regarding one of the projects you want to engage in. Sharing and compromising will lead to success. 5 stars Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 28, 2006 - 3:41 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 28, 2006 A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice." Bill Cosby -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Save up your residual anger for a chance encounter with a man who once sold your mother a worthless cup and saucer for $30. Yes you do still have it - middle cupboard, third from the left. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your appetite is about to come under the influence of Saturn, so expect changes and new sauces to present themselves for your culinary pleasure Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Puddings with currents in are good today but only if eaten with a counterclockwise spoon movement. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Do not underestimate the power of a chime or loud 'bong' from a large clock, especially when escaped zoo animals are on the prowl. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An ab-crunch exercise program you have been promising yourself looks set to become inevitable after Pluto is influenced by the motion in one of its newly discovered moons. Remember to take exercise easy to start with and do not expect results to be obvious for many years. Libra (September 22 - October 22) The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will today be unveiled as a fraud. Today might see a need for you to call attention to yourself, and we're always happy to recommend faxing semi-nude pictures of yourself to random numbers. Although danger is never far away, you may have an exhilirating time in the coming days. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The colours red and purple will mean a lot to you today as you're punched in the nose by someone you assumed was a potential mate. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Chin up, best foot forward, Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Just desserts is a damn good name for a dessert company. Which is why approximately 90 firms are currently trading under that name. Paper with little squiggles on it will find its way into your pocket today. As accurate as the weather report might be, you must be careful to avoid the 3011 bus Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Armchair politicians will affect your life today as they rise from their dank pits and begin to conquer the known world. Boxes that you have lying around may become useful for any storage. What you hear and what was said may differ today, so be aware of either your failing hearing or your increasing hatred of those talking to you.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 3:58 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 30, 2006 A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her. David Brinkley -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A cocktail waiter will name a drink in your honour due to a complicated misunderstanding involving the boots you wear, a porn star and a cup cake. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover, much to your chagrin, a 1970's retro disco, named after you, opening downtown this month. Offer to guest open it in flared trousers and big hair for not less than $1000 appearance money or free drinks for life. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An ageing beautician will challenge you to an arm wrestle following a moment of unintended rudeness during work on your cuticles. Go for the quick slam to start with, in the hope that the woman is a late starter. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If you have tried, but failed, in your subtle attempts of communicating your talents to loved ones, now may be time to resort to screaming and shouting hysterically and at length. Such Drama Queendom will open doors if handled carefully during Neptune's Hibernatory Chuckle after the fourth Wednesday of the month Libra (September 22 - October 22) Woody Woodpecker, the popular cartoon bird from times past, is about to enter your life again in a mysterious circumstance. Buy too many nuts next time you are at a pet store. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Furry animals partial to banana and guava fruit will make a painful compromise bearable. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The tune 'this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius' has been around since the 1960's, but, sadly for you, it is as untrue today as it was way back then. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Pluto is beginning its once every 1000 year romp with Mercury standing by, watching, from the sidelines. This will have a devastating impact on any attempt to balance on stilts, and, indeed, any circus performance which is ill starred for the next 17 hours.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 4:03 pm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover, much to your chagrin, a 1970's retro disco, named after you, opening downtown this month. Offer to guest open it in flared trousers and big hair for not less than $1000 appearance money or free drinks for life. DISCO SUCKS!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 3:41 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, August 31, 2006 Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. Plato -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Its that time of year when you worry about diabolical green tomatoes flying into your head and planting flowers inside your skull via osmosis. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your urge to wear clogs to a horror movie at the cinema is getting out of hand. Throw away the chisel and wood and go buy some real shoes, Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will go bowling with an Martian called Ntrebdk and use frozen turkeys instead of bowling balls. This can be very beneficial to the health of your toenails. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Ten weeks of doing what you do best, and you're still no closer to achieving your goal. Potato salesmen may call today and leave you a spud on your doorstep. Duty calls, and your duty is to make people aware that you are not who they think you are. Nor are they who they think they themselves are Leo (July 23 - August 22) Congratulations may be in order this week. This horoscope is brought to you in association with your upcoming incredibly bad luck. Any jamborees you attend today are likely to be fun-filled as well as informative Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You have the eyes of a weather balloon and the smile of the mona lisa. You may want to consider painting your toilet pink. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today might not be the best day to hire a spycam finding monkey. Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. This may be due to an appointment you have earlier in the week, or it may be become love has just entered your life in the form someone floating down a river in a large plastic swan-type boat. Or it may just be because you've won a serious amount of money and people want to shower you with platitudes. Speaking of which - you do look amazing today! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the soul. Geddit! It's a...well, it's just... If you're terrified by the thought of someone being able to look into your mind...are you sure you should be here, because that's what I'm doing right now. Sing a song inside and to heck with the dark clouds that await you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Always meet people you met on the internet in a dark place, preferably a graveyard or a disco. Chunks of meat will plague you today...or give you the plague. The mystics are being terribly vague on this one. "Going Dutch" does not mean having it away with 4 people at once whilst smoking a jewel encrusted pipe. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today might be a good day to walk around with your arms stretched forwards in a "mummy" style. Always think "Take the easy way out". You won't go wrong. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Go to a fancy salon today and ask to be made up like Gene Simmons, back in the glory days of KISS. Bonus points if they do it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Avoid opening your eyes -- you might not like what you see. In fact, wear a blindfold all day. -------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 07, 2006 - 4:49 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, September 7, 2006 The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can’t ignore it, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh at it; if you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved. —Russell Lynes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) There are lots of ideas screaming to be let out of your head. Let them free, and they'll scream in other people's heads too! The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooooo!". There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there too. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Food is a cheap source of food. Eat well. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed. Today will be fraught with exciting wonderment and thrills for at least somebody you know. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Trying to make out that you're a "surf dude" may become untenable when your lover walks into the office with your eight dirty children. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Cat hair is an excellent source of breathing problems! Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. Remember all the research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental breakdown Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your favourite sources of protein may dry up later tomorrow, so remember to eat lots of eggs RIGHT NOW! Round things may become useful to you today. Life's problems, however, cannot all be solved by round things. Pretending to pick fleas off a new member of staff may seem appealing, but the gag may be on you if you actually find some. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't be embarrassed by your actions today, embrace your flamboyant side. Any beer consumed tonight may come back to haunt you, possibly in the form of a dead comedian or Max Bygraves --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, September 09, 2006 - 8:45 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, September 9, 2006 } An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it is also more nourishing." H. L. Mencken -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You dig? After a car crash you will see a light at the end of a tunnel. Do not be vexed, this only means the car is facing the other way. You will be provoked by a spotty teenager. Don't rise to him Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Why not treat yourself today? Go out and buy yourself a new Jaguar! Go on! You deserve it! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If your name is Nancy, and you live in Massachusetts with your cat, you will win a million dollars in Foxwoods this week as you celebrate your birthday Monday.(oh wait that's mine and its only wishful thinking) . Real horoscope: Your sporting life will keep you in good stead for the summer olympics. When asked to perform in a successful jazz band, consider all your options before accepting. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Eat lots of vegetables. In fact, eat more than you feel you should. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Invent a new fragrance today called "Burnt Hair." See if a supermodel will endorse it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Invent a new fragrance today called "Burnt Hair." See if a supermodel will endorse it.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, September 13, 2006 - 2:01 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, September 13, 2006 All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse. Benjamin Franklin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Walking into a crowded place and challenging people to sword fight with cricket bats is an excellent way for you to pass time and make new friends. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your physical well-being should be your focus. Get into shape by going to your local art gallery and throwing tomatoes at people who wear glasses. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Spend more time around other people instead of shutting yourself into a cupboard like a hermit! Go to a crowded place, preferably wearing a bright green puffball skirt, and tell people how much you love marshmallows Leo (July 23 - August 22) You adore the simple things in life, like coal, pencils and cream cakes. Stick to drawing pictures of those, instead of trying to sculpt a statue of Sean Connery peeing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of gnomes! They will try to convince you to shove your head through a rubber tube, but only a fool is capable of re-heating macaroni using an electric toothbrush. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Fire is your symbol for today. All the colours in the rainbow will come out to play on other people's faces today. You may be diagnosed with flu at some point this week. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Its best to put off all major purchases and investments until you are sure you can manage stuffing 100 coconuts in your ear without laughing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Eggs, flour, milk, potatoes, sage and onion stuffing - these are all the ingredients you need for a happy marriage and a pleasant evening. Most of what you do may be questioned this week - however, you will fly through those questions with ease and be praised for your general application. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your main concern is eyeballs - once you have used a Rubik's cube to clean your toilet you will see a lot more turnips Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 14, 2006 - 2:51 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, September 14, 2006 Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of - for credit is like fire; when once you have kindled it you may easily preserve it, but if you once extinguish it, you will find it an arduous task to rekindle it again. The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear. Socrates (469 BC - 399 BC) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is not the first time you've been caught out. You must really be careful in future. You do look remarkably fetching today, and I'd like to offer you a fish supper. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You can't star in your own television show if you're a no-talented idiot. Just something to keep in mind - no particular reference to you. The end is more like the beginning than you'd think. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Wearing a hat will only bring true happiness(yes you lance). Seek comfort in clothing today. Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this week as they find out about your recent lottery luck. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Praying to false gods never seemed so good after this week. You may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Alf. The gongoozlers at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're single. So what are you doing reading this when you could be out there having fun? Go let your hair down. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Supper is something that comes to those who last out the day. You may be too tired, or otherwise incapacitated. If you can fit in this week, you'll know that your work is done. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) I am always pretending to be a cat - make sure you have a special "getaway" persona that you can adopt at any given moment. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The world moves pretty fast around you and you must learn to slow it down to a reasonable pace. Much of this can be done with a hefty broad-sword. You have a personality that makes people smile, and that is worth exploiting today in any way you see fit. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 21, 2006 - 4:34 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, September 21, 2006 When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives become meaningful as we discover how truly necessary we are to each other. Margaret Wheatley -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you think you've got problems today, just wait until tomorrow! Your sub-conscience may decide to rebel against you today and force you to re-remember everything you had managed to block out. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Blue moon caught you standing alone, but ensure you're not also caught short this weekend. You tend to be less true to yourself at work, but today you may let a little of yourself slip out at a most awkward moment. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you. You may be left to pick up the pieces of someone else's failures today. For what it's worth, today is going to be very short. Which is a very good thing for you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Angles may become a nuisance today, especially 90 degree angles. Boy - they're the worst! Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver, but actually are making your behaviour quite erratic. Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centres, will leave you with bruises in special places. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Take care when opening up an email from a friend today as you may not enjoy the electronic content inside. "Hunky-dory" - a beautiful phrase that will sum up the day, week and month for you. You see, it's just going to be tip-top from here-on-in and the smile on your face is going to bug the living heck out of everyon Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Silver foil can make a good hat, it's true. However, it can also be used as a sheathe should you find yourself lucky one lunchtime. Peanut Butter and banana sandwiches may prove lucky for you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Fly in the face of conventional wisdom and wear a policeman's helmet, sellotaped over your genitals. It's going to be one of those days, I really, really apologise Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your lucky hair color is Peach with pink stripes. Wear it with pride! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, September 25, 2006 - 4:17 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, September 25, 2006 Experience has two things to teach: The first is that we must correct a great deal; the second that we must not correct too much. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You may wonder later today why the love-starved don't have a charity where the wealthy-in-love collect money and them send sexy presents. Fun times lie ahead but be wary of those who offer you fun via emails Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may think that starting afresh on Monday would be of some comfort, but it really won't be. Bowie is like you are: gentile, robust, always ready to pop back in the charts by providing backing vocals to pretty much any old schmuck. The similarities between you and Bowie are pretty much endless. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Boxes that you have lying around may become useful for any storage. Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. However, this will not be a metaphorical sign of anything greater. You are to be complemented for your skill at navigating websites. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hearing clicking noises in your head is not a good sign for you today. "Rankle" is a beautiful word, but may blow your world apart today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Significant other, or S.O., is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "that thing I know" or "unstranger". Testing times lay ahead for you if you expect your love life to be without its ups and downs. You must expect failure or it will become your legacy. This miserable prophecy is brought to you in association with The Happy Clown League of Broken Dreams. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Terrible consequences will occur when you fall out with someone today. Make sure you avoid that situation by giving in immediately and giving them whatever they want regardless of practicality or whether it's physically possible. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) During the week things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering "Have you had a haircut?" "Facelift?" "Liposuction?". The truth will be much simpler and more exciting than they could possibly understand. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your weaknesses may turn out to be your strengths today, and you'll find yourself easily swayed by nonsense that you read online. I am always pretending to be a cat - make sure you have a special "getaway" persona that you can adopt at any given moment. Put your mental abilities to the test today and try to figure out how best to spend the money you have in a non-frivolous way
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, October 01, 2006 - 1:24 pm
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, October 1, 2006 People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. St. Augustine -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Advice given you by a sinister looking teenager will eventually prove quite lucrative as long as you don't get caught. Welcome wicker into your life in all of its forms. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A mayor of a small town in the south will contact you this month with an offer which, initially, you will find attractive. Either dismiss this offer immediately out of hand, or run the risk of being won over by the nicely crafted ceremonial clothing you will be invited to wear Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The best of excuses are those that are plausible (so, not ones that involve you, super-powers and hordes of sexy friends). Having reaches a personal goal, the future ought to look rosier for you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) On taking a bath a spider will land on your midriff and make its way, toyingly, to your neck using the styling of a James Bond movie. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Flashing red lights will dictate urgent movement throughout the month, but never more so when loud thumpy sirens or music are involved. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Go into work Monday and build a play fort out of your desk. Hang up a sign that says "No Bosses Allowed." Sit in your fort all day and play with dolls. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your thirst for adventure may lead you to a blind alley containing 200 species of tap-dancing vampire cats. Its always best to tie acorns to your hair, if you want to avoid being mauled by Russian Blue Cats carrying golf balls. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your biggest dream is to build an amusement park from door handles, but you allow your mind to get over-crowded with images of vampire leeks. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The interior decorator who cold calls your front door on the 20th is not qualified for the job: do not hire him even though his plans for marble initially impresses you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Its always good to look in the mirror and say, "You remind me of a tea strainer". You may sense that something is going on around you which you can't seem to grasp. Perhaps replacing your ribcage with sardines and spatulas may clear your mind a little Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Perhaps you should take a few days rest and focus your energy on pouring several different types of cheeses over your garden fence Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You may feel as if you are moving backwards in life. This could be due to the number of weeds and banana plants growing in your left ear.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, October 04, 2006 - 3:55 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, October 4, 2006 Many people think that if they were only in some other place, or had some other job, they would be happy. Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of what you are doing as you can and don't put off being happy until some future date. Dale Carnegie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Partner someone in a dance today and you'll feel fantastic for at least a week. After that you'll remember that your partner was actually the dance teacher and she told you you smelled like garlic. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Hat buying could serve you well today as a potential relationship sparks up in a hat shop. Specifically, you'll be looking at hats. Your potential partner may be looking at gloves. You may discuss why a hat shop sells gloves. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. Leo (July 23 - August 22) YOU can take the dog out of the proverb, but you can't take the gorilla out of its pram. Your life of fine wines and classical guitar make you quite the catch Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Become as the rabbit. All will become clear as the moon begins its wane. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked in a cupboard with a close friend who likes their beans. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A special someone will furnish you with a gift today. All signs point to it being a single shoe, possibly a brogue. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A wonderful day for some deep thinking. If you can't find the energy, then just wear unwashed socks and do some deep stinking. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You must take action on a long-ignored project. In fact, just take action on any project. Shoot! Get off your rump! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) All your hard work will pay off today, or at least make you really tired. It's hard to say which. ----------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, October 09, 2006 - 6:45 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, October 9, 2006 "The greatest thing a man can do in this world is to make the most possible out of the stuff that has been given him. This is success, and there is no other." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Sometimes you wish you could transform yourself into a flying cat and prod people’s toenails with an asparagus tip Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are well situated to confront a problem with your family. Calm your nerves by putting a false beard inside a clay jar and estimating the weight. You are liable to act impulsively if you wear blue and are poisoned by a hairy bicycle on your way to the supermarket. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Do not fell shy to do something special. Why not break into your Uncle’s house and replace all the curtains with glazed bananas? Remember – you rule your world with your own pink fuzzy slippers. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may be feeling sporty today but don't spend all that money on new sports gear and equipment. You are likely to lose interest in this new found "passion" within 20 days. This horoscope does not afftect your statutory rights. You will win large compensation in a court case this month. Your learning may give you cause to grieve today as you are unable to stop local flooding using trigonometry alone. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A flurry of exclamation marks will come back to haunt you later this month as an email comes true!!!!!!!!!!! Money is literally no object for you this week as you lose all your money. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are not normally the kind of person to seek help when you face a group dilemma. However, should a bunch of peppermint sausages declare war on you and donate your weight in safety pins to the local charity shop, its best to keep calm and avoid any confrontations with blue-eyed giraffe. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Getting through the day may be a little tough and you may find its easier to cover your arms in Vaseline than fight Welsh orang-utans with a golf club. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Football hasn't been known, historically, for bringing people together. Today may prove to be the exception to that rule as you'll fall in love with someone whose head looks very similar to a football. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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