Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 15, 2006 - 3:40 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 15, 2006 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) When you have that recurring nightmare about yourself in...y'know...that position...don't worry about it! As the bukkake girl said, take it all on the chin! Hope can solve nearly all of your problems today. Until tomorrow when all of your dreams will be dashed to pieces Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People older than you often ask your opinion because you are a trend setter and a marvellous role model for society in general. Release your anger safely, write a story for THERELEASEYOURANGER website. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your lucky goat name for today is: Penelope. Today you will find that your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your funny bone may have disappeared momentarily. However, it may turn up where you least expect it. Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. You have many more years ahead of you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) The colour blue will give you cause for resentment today. Don't be in the market for any of what anyone is selling. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will receive a text message today from a Rhinocerous called Jim who is 10 foot long and like to dangle bananas from his ears. He will warn you of a government regulation preventing you from decorating your teeth with raffia and fig leaves. You seem to lack sheer grace - avoid eating Spanish peanuts. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A colony of nudist mice have filled your favourite pair of shoes with sliced gherkins. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Wearing a green hat can help but being honest, I think you are going to learn the hard way. Your eyes will sparkle like cheese, and stink like tables. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You must not let anyone mistake the lump on your head for an 8 foot long hula hoop Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Consider yoghurt to be a huge inspiration and the all important cure for fleas Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Take precautions should you intend to build a mechanized squirrel, as the law clearly states you must wear mohair before you closely examine bald gargoyles. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Hiding elephants inside your mobile phone will be a great way to show your neighbours how easy it is to replace a lightbulb which stinks of rotting catfish.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 16, 2006 - 3:08 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 16, 2006 A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 - 1969) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) To make yourself feel beautiful, hug a tree, kiss a baby, read a classic, and then take a long train journey. After that, you'll still be an ugly bugger, but you'll be so tired you won't even care. The gongoozlers at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this week as they find out about your recent lottery luck. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your legs look nice today. Show them off in some kind of very short skirt that nearly shows your organy-bits. Yes Derek, I'm talking to you! "Saucy!" should not be used as a synonym for sweaty. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8 glasses a day with that track record? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over the coming week. This report will tell you everything you need to know about the feelings of another and will help you understand how to begin living the rest of your life. Tenderness ought to be tried whenever possible. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Bad things are afoot. I mean, can't you smell it? You are important, at least as important as the discovery of the dock leaf when you were stung by a nettle as a child. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 8:37 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, June 20, 2006 The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust. Henry Stimson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The moon suggests a celebration, or at least a drink or two after work. Take this time to moan openly about unpopular work colleagues and fret not about any consequences that may entail. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) your destiny suggests a quick one-two or perhaps a three-four, but not a two-two in any jiggy, dancey, endeavour. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your life will start to resemble that of a character in a popular soap from the past, including kumquats and shoulder pads, in ways too complex to go into fully here. Suffice it to say that it is best to avoid people named Kristin as it was she who shot JR in 1980's television's Dallas. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Welcome collaboration on a theatrical venture as destiny will reveal itself in the form of a striptease routine involving feathers Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Family disagreements involving dinosaurs are set to dominate meal times until well after the 22th. In particular avoid controversial theories on the Diplodicus, and dismiss out of hand anyone who claims there was a dinosaur named a Leakysaurus. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your destiny is waiting for you to utter a catchphrase made famous on a quiz or comedy show in the 70's. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Embrace light bulbs and simple switches into your life on Tuesday's as Mercury reveals a nifty physics based solution Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You have been obsessed with a mission over the last three months and today your planning will come to fruition, even if not in exactly the way you intended it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Pull out of any prior engagements tonight as you are about to receive a special unexpected visitor. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous. ---------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 2:36 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, June 21, 2006 When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." Harriet Elizabeth Beecher Stowe -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) . Weather can change in an instant, so be prepared for every eventuality today. Even and especially if that means dressing up in 3 different types of clothing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) >What at first appears to be a curse will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or so you'll believe before discovering that the blessing is actually an even bigger, more physically perilous curse in an even more convincing disguise. v Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be left dumbfounded this evening when a man wearing nothing jumps out of your birthday cake, only to be followed seconds later by half a dozen police officers who, one by one, exit the triple-chocolate dessert in pursuit of the nude offender.</p> Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Opt for the scenic route. Better yet, why not take a long walk and really enjoy the sights? Whether you take this advice metaphorically or literally, one thing's for sure -- the stars want you to slow down. Libra (September 22 - October 22) WHEN we tell you that it's 'cryptic', we basically mean that we made it up. Today is a good time to suck up to your superiors. In a weekend world of family, the business will always be there for the taking. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will achieve your dream. That's right, you know, the one where you are on a beautiful Caribbean island, surrounded by lush greenery, being fanned by natives and waited on hand and foot by gorgeous island creatures, who will be dressed only the barest of tropical island wear. Enjoy the dream....no matter what you achieve, it's still just a dream. Sorry. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) With great determination, A LOT of patience, extremely good medical coverage, ample support from family members, cooperation from your children, minimal expectations from your employer and an "I could give a hoot!", attitude, you just might make it through the day. On the other hand..... you might not Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) the moon is in the seventh planet and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Then peace will guide the planets and love will see the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius and unfortunately, you slept in today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) THE beast that lurks inside you longs to be free. Let it free. Don't think that anything you do will eventually become your undoing, else you'll never do anything. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 3:34 pm
The Daily Humorscope June 22, 2006 Never take a path that has no heart in it. You can't lose if your heart is in your work, but you can't win if your heart is not in it. -- Carlos Casteneda ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The next word you hear may cause you to rush into a blind rage. Please think before acting too rashly with a potato masher. It's going to be one of those days, I really, really apologise Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Something of a chain reaction will occur this week when each person you tell "I love you!" starts thinking that you've lost it and therefore stop thinking of you in the same way. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Panic. Or at least, flail your arms about. The future does not look good, rosy, happy or full of pixies dancing and prancing Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Wearing gloves may make you feel like you're a master criminal, but you may be best to avoid wearing gloves with your name emblazened on the palm Leo (July 23 - August 22) Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to market-places could leave you red-faced. Like a beetroot. Are you thinking of a beetroot? Are you being dirty? Cut it out!! The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Put your mental abilities to the test today and try to figure out how best to spend the money you have in a non-frivolous way. Your ideas are plentiful, but are your plenties ideaful? Other junk may come your way today. Libra (September 22 - October 22) An email may arrive in your mailbox today informing you that a) You've won a competition b) You have can collect a million dollars if you travel to India c) Someone in the office loves you. The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and standing toe-to-toe with people you fancy. Then your luck might improve! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realise you have other stronger ties. Your irrelevance becomes clear today and you will feel a new sense of freedom. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A stitch in time saves nine, but the real question to ask here is, "Nine of what?" Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Cosmic energies are low in the evening, so it's a great time to take a restful nap. Come to think of it, anytime's a great time to take a restful nap Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Engage someone in a lively debate today on whether Hackensack, New Jersey is somehow mysteriously connected with the hippie toy, Hacky Sacks. Point out that you can't bounce Hackensack on your knee. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Tonight's sleep will be restful and dreamy. Except for the aliens that will be at your bedside, waiting to perform hideous experiments on your kidneys. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 23, 2006 - 3:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 23, 2006 Never hire or promote in your own image. It is foolish to replicate your strength and idiotic to replicate your weakness. It is essential to employ, trust, and reward those whose perspective, ability, and judgment are radically different from yours. It is also rare, for it requires uncommon humility, tolerance, and wisdom -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll pray for better times once this week is done with. It's sad, really, but so many people are going to get a kick out of your failure. Next week - you'll start to see the funny side and your heart will unbreak. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Painting the inside of your mouth is probably not a good way to change who you are on the inside. Although, you would be successful in your aims. I give you permission to do what you want to, today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Complete the sentence: "My day will be really _____ today because my boss will find out that I surf the internet for ________ hours daily." Leo (July 23 - August 22) Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and contemplate making love. Of course you're far too prudish for anything like that but it'll be nice to think about it for a while. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Hat buying could serve you well today as a potential relationship sparks up in a hat shop. Specifically, you'll be looking at hats. Your potential partner may be looking at gloves. You may discuss why a hat shop sells gloves. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to pick up a speeding ticket. Today will make it hard for you to make any sense of roofle wimblipickstone Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst tomorrow possible. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the yellow smiley on the derriere. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Alice in wonderland, now there was a lady who wasn't big on being small. You're going to meet the king of puns over the next few days and every romantic tingle you've ever felt will be made to be embarrassed at how pathetic they were in comparison. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A great day to buy a spice rack! Even if you already have several. Because you can never, ever have enough spice racks. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Tantalising new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today } --------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, June 24, 2006 - 1:42 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, June 24, 2006 “While the fates permit, live happily; life speeds on with hurried step, and with winged days the wheel of the headlong year is turned.” – Seneca the Younger (Lucius Annaeus Seneca) ~~ Roman dramatist, Stoic philosopher, & politician -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's marvellous. No, really, it is absolutely marvellous. You'll see. The number you are thinking of is an odd number below 50. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Hats have always looked good on you. Yes, today is definitely a hat day. Go hat! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You quite fancy the idea of dressing up as a giant chicken, climbing on to your rooftop and trying to convince the world that you are a lemming. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Sticking gooseberries in your eyes will make you pregnant with triplets. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your friends may try to convince you to join a circus as a lion tamer but just throw a few pretzels at their heads and call them "Dirty Sandra" and they will leave you alone. The last resort would be to challenge them to a duel with rubber gloves. This can only lead to tears unless its a sunny day. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You may feel the urge to replace your neighbour's dog with a golf ball. This is proof that the planet Mercury is commanding you to learn how to play the piano with your tongue and type letters with your teeth Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You need new things to keep you occupied - buy 1000 banana peels and start your own fashion show complete with tap dancing hamsters. The planet Pluto will thank you for it Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing. But a brown-sauce is not always a brown-sauce. Any irritation you feel this week may be due to an oncoming illness, or possibly disease. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The world moves pretty fast around you and you must learn to slow it down to a reasonable pace. Much of this can be done with a hefty broad-sword. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) 7. For no reason, I'm just going to throw the number 7 at you. SEVEN Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 2:38 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, June 27, 2006 The problems of the world cannot possible be solved by skeptics or cynics whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities. We need men who can dream of things that never were." John Keats -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Buy a chimp generator and generate lots of chimps for your friends Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Learning to play the piano with your nose may be a good way to cope with the recent loss of your pet one-eyed frog. It might also help if you rub your head with spare motorcycle parts and say the words "I am a Mesopotamian emu breeder". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You seek to learn the sacred art of the air guitar. This can only be attained through the clever combination of dreaming of orangutans and Robin Williams turning into a wooden spoon Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your only options today would be to bathe in beans and protest against sandpaper and shrews. Be warned though - you could face a huge penalty for not removing your shoes when someone says "Hello Uncle Tim" to you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your closest friend may glue hard-boiled eggs to your bedroom walls in order to ward off evil spirits and mandrills Libra (September 22 - October 22) Many things that people say over the coming days will appear nonsensical, but may start to make sense towards the end of the week. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be unable to avoid the animals charges that explode throughout your body today and as such it might be best that you go home early before embarrassing yourself terribly with various orgasmic screams. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) All the advice I could share with you would blow your mind and leave nothing to the imagination. Login to every site you can and you'll soon understand what the meaning of the internet is. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Gambling with your possessions always seems like a good idea at the time. However, you should be aware that much of your meddling will eventually lead to a loss of limbs for someone Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 3:11 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, June 28, 2006 Experience has two things to teach: The first is that we must correct a great deal; the second that we must not correct too much. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Although you know it's only a matter of setting boundaries and better managing your time, you will nonetheless continue to struggle to separate your work life from your second work life. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your suspicions may prove correct today as you super-sleuth your way around the office. Your brain is overflowing with ideas, some of which are truly brilliant and you must focus on making your dreams a reality. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your magical fingers may be called into practice this week. You may be left to pick up the pieces of someone else's failures today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) tonight, remember to put the purple dinosaur outside, else you'll have an evening of jollification Libra (September 22 - October 22) A face from your past will haunt you today. To live a good life you have to throw a few stones in the pond. Credit checks are for your benefit, too. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) News will come from a former colleague that for years you have both been in love with each other. This will be a surprise for you because you've always thought your colleague was a smelly baboon Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It always helps to hire a Koala bear to eat 20 kilos of raisins and let him throw bananans all over your lawn. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You may feel the urge to spend a lot of money on protection from tadpoles. This is just a phase which will pass, but you must remain intelligent and not over-spend. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Concentrate on spraying soda at insects made from concrete ---------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 3:58 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 29, 2006 "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Express yourself, do a backflip, try to do the splits. Dance and the world will be yours. Fault for your situation can be accredited to anyone you wish - go nuts! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Become as the rabbit. All will become clear as the moon begins its wane. Your aim to drink 10-15 litres of water today may come crashing down on you when you're stuck in traffic later this week. Holiday, it would be so nice...to be on holiday. So why not go for it? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your learning may give you cause to grieve today as you are unable to stop bad hair days using trigonometry alone Leo (July 23 - August 22) A special someone will furnish you with a gift today. All signs point to it being a single shoe, possibly a brogue. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Partner someone in a dance today and you'll feel fantastic for at least a week. After that you'll remember that your partner was actually the dance teacher and she told you you smelled like garlic. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Deft swift strokes of the hand when writing may be the turn-on that a work-chum needs to show their true feelings for you. However, that love may vanish when they realise that the letter is a final written warning and a suggestion that they clear out their desks before security arrive. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Aubergine is definitely the colour of the week for you - although next week's special colours will be an interesting mixture of black, blue and deep, deep red. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Left to your own devices, you are probably heading for a fall. Hearing clicking noises in your head is not a good sign for you today. Chunks of meat will plague you today...or give you the plague. The mystics are being terribly vague on this one Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Reading through a dictionary is the least effective way to learn more about the world. Get out there! Relax, break out the disco pants, and get funkin'! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 30, 2006 - 3:58 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 30, 2006 The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. --Hans Hofmann ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The planet Mars has aligned itself with some space dust so this is an excellent time to dress up as a baby dolphin and ask your boss for a raise Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Now would be a good time to make a move with regard to your location. Sell your home and buy a castle on the Mississippi river to live in. This combined with Mercury's power will bring you a lot of luck and your shoes will not turn into buckets of cheese whilst you are alsleep. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Having a secret agenda is all very good, but posting it on your blog/company intranet is NOT advisable. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is similarly likely that you will fall flat on your arse trying to achieve it Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are in a transitional period at the moment which means you can easily mistake fungal growth on your chin for a motorcycle. You may use this to your advantage by riding the fungal growth to a place which will convert your old socks into a cold and flu remedy. If in doubt, rub your head with axle grease. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Opportunity is waiting round every corner. All you've got to do is catch up with him, put him in a big box and beat him with big sticks. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Timid creatures are often those to find first love. Be less brash, learn to control your flailing arms, and do try to fart less Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Significant other, or S.O., is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "that thing I know" or "unstranger". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Paper with little squiggles on it will find its way into your pocket today. Its a letter from someone called pl4derdrz(who is a plutonian). Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today might be a good day to walk around with your arms stretched forwards in a "mummy" style. "For Topical Application Only" - words which might cause you grave concern over the coming days. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 05, 2006 - 2:54 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 5, 2006 "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Many of your feelings can be expressed in the form of haikus. However, you'll be lucky if you can find anyone who gives a flying hoot, or who actually finds them impressive in any way. In a world full of people like yourself, who cares if you want to behave like an orangutan? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You have achieved what most of us only dream about - you are a star. Many of your charms will leave you today, and you will be left feeling hollow and dumb. See how clever you can be today by attempting to count your lose change inside your pocket WITHOUT taking your hand or the money out. Leo (July 23 - August 22) While others have overlooked the brilliance of your fanfiction, they won't be able to ignore the upcoming 60 Minutes/60 Minutes II crossover you have planned Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys Libra (September 22 - October 22) A bottle of red, a bottle of white. Wine! The only drink for those who are addicted to beer but worried about the size of their gut. Sandwich is your lucky word for today and is likely to be involved in some sort of belly-filling incident Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A handsome GEMINI will soon appear at your door, sell you a set of encyclopedias, and disappear forever. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) To the rest of the world, you are like brine shrimp. Fun, but ultimately useless and short lived. This month provides you with the greatest chance of making it. So pray to the planets that they stay in alignment or this horoscopes will not be fulfilled. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Go to a friend's house and rearrange all the furniture so it's pointing toward the walls. Insist that the purple aliens did it.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 06, 2006 - 8:14 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 6, 2006 " "Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work." Peter Drucker ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) 34.3456 is the magic number, but you may find that one is sufficient for you today. If you mis-use the word literally once more today ("I *literally* laughed my arse off"), you're going to feel what it's like to be hit "upside the head". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the soul. Geddit! It's a...well, it's just... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Angles may become a nuisance today, especially 90 degree angles. Boy - they're the worst! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) \ If you keep repeating it, it might come true. The richer they are, the more money they have to spend paying you off. Remember that. Take time out to consider your options; climb a mountain, dig your own grave. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Your favourite phrase today will be "I'll do it!" and "Wow, I've never seen...well, anything like... Wow!" Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are so remote that you might as well quit pretending that you're well liked, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Three times a lady is a heck of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this week you might thinking "Well, now that just seems like a fairly standard amount of lady". And if you think that, well then I will have done my job. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Every time you tap a key on your keyboard, you are secretly filling in a membership form to a random society. Each week henceforth you will receive a newsletter from said society, explaining your duties and sign-up fees.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 07, 2006 - 2:58 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 7, 2006 It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err. Mahatma Gandhi -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find yourself more and more deeply attracted to an octagon shaped road sign which has the words "Plastic Jim" written on it. This is what you must call your new pet donkey. If you don't have any intentions of buying a donkey then you are evil. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Its best to avoid wearing any jewellery should your head turn into a pumpkin and start doing the Macarena. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your enthusiasm for grapefruits is growing to a level where you are willing to fight your Mum in public to get what you want. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your package will arrive today, delivered by an expected person. If you don't wear glasses now, the chances are that you're going to need to after an upcoming sports accident. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Sing a song inside and to hell with the dark clouds that await you. Try not to get the wrong end of the stick today, especially the pointy end. You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits. What do you do? Libra (September 22 - October 22) The screaming of multiplication tables during love-making may help you temper yourself but is also likely to alienate your partner who will assume that your heart really isn't in it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The law may be your friend today, or it might turn round and bite you in the butt. Either way the word "law" is going to crop up. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Why not amuse your boss today by making an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower out of Scotch tape and paper clips? If she gets angry, simply state, "Fine. You try to introduce a little culture to some people, and see what happens." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) YOU are not a half-fish, half-human. Please stop trying to convince people. You can take the dog out of the proverb, but you can't take the gorilla out of its pram. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) LEARN to dance with your hands in your pants. Time is a precious thing. Never waste it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) DON'T think that anything you do will eventually become your undoing, else you'll never do anything. Your outlook for today is Microsoft Outlook.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 10, 2006 - 2:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 10, 2006 "Twelve things to remember: 1. The value of time 2. The success of perseverance 3. The pleasure of working 4. The dignity of simplicity 5. The worth of character 6. The power of kindness 7. The influence of example 8. The obligation of duty 9. The wisdom of economy 10. The virtue of patience 11. The improvement of talent 12. The joy of originating" -- Marshall Field -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People older than you often ask your opinion because you are a trend setter and a marvellous role model for society in general. Combovers will suddenly attract you this week as you attempt to get a hospital appointment for an eye problem Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A hairy back may trouble you this week, especially if it's not your hairy back that's in question. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooooo!". There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there too. Watch out for overweight dogs when it's raining. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Gold, Silver, Jewels. They're all smashing but ruddy expensive. You might want to lower your expectations if the stars are informing correctly. Indeed, you'll be lucky to get a plastic spoon as a gift than any of the above. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear. You'll keep on fighting till the end. All the base that were belong to you are soon to be re-patriotised with their original owners. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Do what you feel is right in your heart. The only conspiracy theory you need to worry about is the one that involves you. You knew about that conspiracy, right? Oh....dear...God. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelace and stare at a friend's crotch. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are under the impression that pirates have stolen all the pumpkins from your home and replaced them all with wax statues of Jennifer Lopez. This is totally false - they've actually burnt all your pillows and painte all over your walls and carpets. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Go out at midnight wearing nothing but a sock over your nose and your fingers, and dance around like a pixie whilst screaming, "I HAD JERRY SEINFELD'S BABIES!". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Financial outlook for the day is good. So feel free to blow lots of money on meaningless luxury purchases, like "umbrella hats" for all your friends. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You aspire to change your name to Mucky Mary and live inside a giant snowball in the middle of a cornfield Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Go out into the middle of a busy thoroughfare and pretend to direct traffic. But really just close y our eyes and wave your arms around a lot.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, July 11, 2006 - 3:56 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, July 11, 2006 A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past. Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983), The Passionate State of Mind, 1954 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Avoid serious questions wherever possible today and TIE YOUR SHOES DAMMIT! Someone will approach you today with an attitude you cannot get on with at all. You yearn to be a farmer just so that you can be out standing in your field\ Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes. Show a loved one you care. You won't be hospitalised today, but things may not go as planned Gemini (May 21 - June 20) \ A great deal of time needs to be spent de-stressing yourself. Your socks are very luminous and could cause your kidneys to turn into rubber and melt. You may befriend an antelope called Herman who will call you round for tea and cucumber sandwiches. None of these things will happen unless you apply shoe polish to your teeth on a daily basis. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are obsessed with triangles and tend to talk gibberish every time someone asks you a question about fire hydrants. Leo (July 23 - August 22) The full moon is an excellent chance for you to start a new social life. You crave more attention from your friends but never seem to get it due to the fact that you are only one inch high and four foot wide. Perhaps you should go down to the laundry and sponsor a troll to shave off all his hair and glue them to your eyeballs to make you taller. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Despite what the magic gnome told you in your last dream, eating prunes will cause leprosy and all your teeth will fall out at once. A better way to try and look beautiful would be to ask a gibbon wearing a top hat to massage your chin and remove all your hair with a stick. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your lucky drink for today is: Peppermint schnapps Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will sprout glossy feathers from your armpits and will be able to fly faster then a jet helicopter. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you succeed at stuffing oregano up your best friend's nose then you may be visited by a the ghost of Elvis who will give you scabies and teach you how to avoid paperwork when it comes to changing lightbulbs. You have a elephant-sized hole in your underpants. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Be on your best behavior as an ostrich may come by and give you a bag of beans. This is a gesture of love, so be prepared. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Here's a fun trick: rename yourself "Gorgar, Lord of the Deep" and constantly refer to yourself in the third person. "Gorgar, Lord of the Deep, would like to speak with you." Great fun for business presentations! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Try to purchase liquor today with a fake I.D. stating you're a space alien named Glocknid. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 12, 2006 - 3:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 12, 2006 Great discoveries and improvements invariably involve the cooperation of many minds. -- Alexander Graham Bell: (1847-1922) Scottish-US-Canadian inventor -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your forecast for the day can be summed up in this inspirational Hindu saying: "He who does not hold fast to the road cannot grow yams." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Start a petition to get a statue of yourself erected in your community. When people ask what you've done to deserve a statue, explain, "Well, I started this petition! Isn't that enough?" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You're hot on the trail of a technical breakthrough. This could make your life much easier. There is a slight learning curve, so find a quiet place to study. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The truth could set you free -- freer, in fact, than you want to be. When in doubt, just say nothing Leo (July 23 - August 22) The stars promise you are as successful as you are innovative. Go public with a fresh idea. On a side note: The unpopular boss prevails only a little while longer, so hang in there. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your enthusiasm to 'mix things up' with your blend of no holds barred anger and a total lack of listening to reason, has won you many fans amongst the planets, however it is annoying people closer to you on planet Earth. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Cloth caps, and handkerchiefs knotted at the corners, are your preferred head wear this month, especially after the Saturnian dust clouds temper around the 7th. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware slicing cucumbers and cucumber shaped salad vegetables during the Neptunian hyper phase gesticulation around the 4th-17th of the month. During this time sharpening knives will also have no effect, so it's probably best to not bother and do something else instead. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This week will be 56% more magical than last. Take advantage of this by pulling rabbits and oven-ready chickens from hats and materialising money from behind the ears of loved ones or their pets. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A tooth pick, or, possibly, an especially brittle tooth brush, is set to poke you harshly around the 12th - Saturn is not about to forgive your snub delivered in the form of a flower arrangement or disrespectful bubble bath from times past. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Always remember, in any dance class, you will be judged as much by what clothing you choose to wear than your dance ability - which in any case is always determined by the stars and not on any talent or ability you may have. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A cup of tea you brew tonight will be influenced by a storm on Saturn's near side, with a 5% greater than normal chance of a spill or lip burn. An oversized crunchy cookie is well starred with dunking the preferred course of action. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 14, 2006 - 3:40 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 14, 2006 "Each choice we make causes a ripple effect in our lives. When things happen to us, it is the reaction we choose that can create the difference between the sorrows of our past and the joy in our future." © 2003 Chelle Thompson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Avoid Chinese food as it may turn you into a tap dancing buffalo, and run rampage through your local shopping mart. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Although your eyes can see bananas, it doesn't mean you are allowed to curl up into a ball and surprise people with your awful singing. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Why not strap a steering wheeel to your back and offer to polish people's shoes for free. You will feel like a moose. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A sexy Cancerian like yourself should take advantage of the wonderful sunny weather. Happiness can be aquired by painting a stripe down your back and running out into the street. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Make friends with as many squids as possible before your eyeballs turn into bongos and take over the world using a wooden spoon and a half a chopstick. Avoid camels. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are feeling a little depressed lately. Why not hire a giant marmoset to give your arms sponge bath. This will cause you to morph into a bag of sand and eat cakes for all eternity through your invisible beak Libra (September 22 - October 22) Donkeys may send you parcels containing jelly and steering wheels from broken down trucks. Consider it a gift from Venus Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Gibbons are petrified of your disposable musical shoes and you should become more aware of the increase in genetically modified trumpets peeing on your walls at night. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You seem to be attracting a lot of chickens by wearing a paper bag over your head with the words "I am Jemima the Aardvark" written on it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Mars is angry with you and forbids you from biting people on the bum and singing to them whilst you fill the wound with peanut butter. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 10:15 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 15, 2006 In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. — Albert Schweitzer -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Cloth caps, and handkerchiefs knotted at the corners, are your preferred head wear this week, especially after the Saturnian dust clouds temper around the 14th. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware slicing cucumbers and cucumber shaped salad vegetables during the Neptunian hyper phase gesticulation around the 15th of the month. During this time sharpening knives will also have no effect, so it's probably best to not bother and do something else instead Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be left dumbfounded this evening when a man wearing nothing jumps out of your birthday cake, only to be followed seconds later by half a dozen police officers who, one by one, exit the triple-chocolate dessert in pursuit of the nude offender Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your lucky bus number for today is: 212 Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of overwhelming satisfaction Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An ab-crunch exercise program you have been promising yourself looks set to become inevitable after Pluto is influenced by the motion in one of its newly discovered moons. Remember to take exercise easy to start with and do not expect results to be obvious for many years Libra (September 22 - October 22) A mayor of a small town in the south will contact you this week with an offer which, initially, you will find attractive. Either dismiss this offer immediately out of hand, or run the risk of being won over by the nicely crafted ceremonial clothing you will be invited to wear. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Welcome wicker into your life in all of its forms. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A drummer you knew in college will bang a tune with you in mind on the 7th. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Space Aliens seem determined to enter your consciousness on many levels including the little understood dimension of cake decoration. Beware thick icing and marzipan until well into the second half of September. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) I breed germs" is not a good way to answer the company telephone. Even if your company is called "I Breed Germs".
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 17, 2006 - 4:59 pm
\c The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 17, 2006 } All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse. Benjamin Franklin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Why not surprise a friend by building them a spaceship made of Jacobs Cream Crackers and super glue. A ride to the moon may be the antidote to removing the lobsters which have been sitting in their car trunk the past 6 weeks. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You appear to have had an adventure filled day after you discovered a bubbling pool of crude oil inside your shoe which you sold on eBay as "Miracle Breast Gro". Leo (July 23 - August 22) The concept of climbing onto your roof and screaming obscenities at passing members of the public may seem a little complex at first, but rest assured you will be kidnapped by aliens within 10 minutes and they will experiement on you by shoving a refrigerator up your nose and forcing you to tapdance to Britney Spears. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) It might help if you dress up as a hippy and glue raisins to your chin. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You may come home to find gnomes wearing your favourite clothes and sticking chewing gum on the bedposts. Get rid of them by bathing your hair in molasses and chasing them with a giant egg Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You appear to have a strange desire for things made of raffia. Just don't let it turn into an obsession involving cup cakes Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Now would be an excellent time to show off your talents to your friends. Try discharging a few lighting bolts at squirrels in the park and see if anyone fancies you as a result. Or perhaps you could go to the mall and stomp on all the tubes of tomato puree. Someone may give you an orange and a walnut. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You believe you can avoid jelly but its not easy. Eat plenty of radishes which have been chewed on by a rabbit and no matter what happens, do not expose yourself to guys wearing hats
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 19, 2006 - 3:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 19, 2006 Are cats lazy? Well, more power to them if they are. Which one of us has not entertained the dream of doing just as he likes, when and how he likes, and as much as he likes? --Fernand Mery -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Bumpy energies in the morning may need some smoothing out by mid-afternoon. Try a cosmic iron with a planet-sized can of spray starch. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Wear lots of flowers in your hair all day. Insist that they just grew there. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Laughter is the best medicine and, this month, Jupiter is about to give your chuckle muscles a fantastic workout in the form of a new member of staff who will create havoc in a 'not my problem' kind of way. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Leaves and salad vegetables look set to make any meal after 3pm zing with opportunity. Neptune favours a light mayonnaise or olive oil dressing with a touch of seasoning, even for those on a low sodium diet Leo (July 23 - August 22) ...the only advice the planets have to give you, is 'good luck', and 'when does the show start?' Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your life is about to take on all the trappings of a spy movie, including yachts. Trust nobody, especially parrots. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Enjoy sleep in all of its forms this week, from quick cat naps to lay-in to 3 in the afternoon sleep festivals. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Oversized comedy hats are your preferred head attire, especially those with arms and hammers comedically poking out from the sides. Beware spinning bow ties around the 6th as Saturn determinedly borks neckwear in those of your star sign and those standing nearby Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be unable to cope on Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop another Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A book with a black and blue cover is set to answer a question that you have been asking for months. Use the answer wisely then destroy the book with fire. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be tempted to wear flowers in your hair at times. This urge should be fully embraced after 10pm on the 19th when Mars' trajectory finally passes Uranus.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 21, 2006 - 5:09 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 21, 2006 What helps luck is a habit of watching for opportunities, of having a patient, but restless mind, of sacrificing one's ease or vanity, of uniting a love of detail to foresight, and of passing through hard times bravely and cheerfully. Charles Victor Cherbuliez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You're beginning to detect strong feelings of ill will from the other people at the office. You should stop showing up every day or get a job there. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In dogsledding, persistence is everything. However, you're starting to think that it would be easier to simply wait for winter. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate Leo (July 23 - August 22) DON'T worry. Be happy. The beast that lurks inside you longs to be free. Let it free. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) IT'S good that you know so much about things that aren't at all important. Telephones seem to ring whenever you are near. The rain will stop. We're not in biblical times now. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's jigsaw puzzle day! For good luck, you must complete every single jigsaw puzzle you own! So get puzzlin'! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella". Three is the magic number because some people have a magic superfluous nipple which can change the colour of the sky. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) I would estimate that at least 50% of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Life is like that this week and just when you start to get used to it you'll suddenly receive a big pick-me-up. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Ensure your blood stays within your system today by not venturing further than your refridgerator. Try to avoid challenging yourself today. You may find that you are ready for a fall. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 24, 2006 - 6:46 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 24, 2006 A man doesn't begin to attain wisdom until he recognizes that he is no longer indispensable. - Admiral Richard E. Byrd -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try not to sweat the small stuff - its always good to wrap duct tape around your head to free yourself from the eternal valley of clams and oysters. A magic lamp lies undiscovered in your basement - rub it and wish for 3 turnips. You will be rewarded with a jelly statue of Ewan McGregor. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Something you may not know is the secret to an everlasting food supply. Stick your head inside a bucket and run into oncoming traffic. You will be rescued by an alien who will give you a lifetime's supply of ricecakes dipped in squid ink. Do not sniff your own toes. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Weather can change in an instant, so be prepared for every eventuality today. Even and especially if that means dressing up in 3 different types of clothing. Christmas may seem like it's just around the corner, but really that's just nonsense. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this week as they find out about your recent lottery luck. A masterplan is forming inside your head and you'll be ready to put it into action any day now. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Modern design continues to exert too much influence on your life, as you'll soon be available in six hot new colors(shades of purple, pink and blue), in addition to classic brushed aluminum. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Whilst this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time today. Oh yes she is. A very nice time. And a good time will be had by all, possibly. Especially if your name is Margaret. Or Marge. Or Maggie. Or Mildred. Or Lucy. Or Jeff. Or Dave. OK, I'll admit the stars are a bit vague on this point, but basically if your name starts with a letter from the Roman alphabet then you're pretty much assured of happiness. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The best way to fool a man into giving away a biscuit is to let him know that you know where it's been. Don't give any details, just let it casually be known that you "know where it's been". How is this relevant to you today? You'll see. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Difficulties at work cause stress, but things look brighter at home. Chocolate plays role Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) On creative, free-flowing days like today, the idea of "scheduling" is a joke. Submit to the whim of your muse. It's amazing how quickly your ideas come to fruition when you act on them immediately Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) There’s no business like show business! Ya'll may think this cliché could never apply to you, but haven’t you heard the old saying “Never say never”? Your performance anxiety will vanish, and you’ll be the life of the party if you choose to be. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The Hebrew word shalom is both a hello infused with a goodbye and a goodbye leavened with a hello. That's why it would be wise and fun for you to make it your word of power in the coming days.Whenever you say "shalom," whether it's a greeting to someone else or a mantra uttered in solitude, you'll remind yourself that the threshold you're in is pregnant with a thousand possibilities.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 3:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 26, 2006 Rash indeed is he who reckons on the morrow, or haply on days beyond it; for tomorrow is not, until today is past. Sophocles, Trachiniae -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your spouse has often teased you for believing that you were a blade of grass in a past life, but you'll have the last laugh next week when he accidentally runs you over with the lawn mower Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your vision won't fail so long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. The accuracy of any horoscope today will be directly related to the number of things you do today Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Charity begins at home. So when you get home remember to give something to your loved one that is unexpected and rude. When questioned you can be armed with the ready response "Charity begins at home..." and so on. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Keep an eye on your watch today as time might run away from you. You have your Southern folk. And you have your Northern folk. Which you are is probably not of consequence, because you're stranger than most. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find a butterfly in your face some time this week. Your tendencies may get you into trouble today. Or it might just be a day like every other day. The scars left on your knee are there for everyone to see. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your life may seem boring compared to others, however, you *do* have a nice car Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Angles may become a nuisance today, especially 90 degree angles. Boy - they're the worst! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Perhaps now would be a good time to change careers. Learn how effectively glue a wooden cabinet to your eyeball and every pixie in the world will sneeze simultaneously in honour of the smell of your cheesy feet Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Stop dying your hair pink as this will only invoke the wrath of Pluto who will fill your socks with dog food while you sleep.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 27, 2006 - 3:36 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 27, 2006 "Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there." John Wooden -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The word "Terry" will be important today for reasons that are as perplexing to us as they will be to you. In fact, we estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion today will be caused by the very idea that "Terry" will be important, today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Many of the best lyrics are attributable today. Take into consideration that most songs are about love and adversity. The best way to fool a man into giving away a CHOCOALATE is to let him know that you know where it's been. Don't give any details, just let it casually be known that you "know where it's been". How is this relevant to you today? You'll see. You and CHOCOALATEs are going to be inseparable. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Paris Hilton will "pop round" today for a chat and a biscuit, either in spirit or in person. Incidentally, a small chihuahua will weedle itself into your garden and p00p all over your favourite plants. At this point, it is recommended that you setup webcams all over your house so that you can publish all incidents to a website and earn billions of dollars Leo (July 23 - August 22) You may never find what you're looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Cats are your "animal of the day". Cats are absolutely the best thing that could happen to you today. Although with the day you're going to have, you'll need all the help you can get Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Most of this sentence comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscopes. Although I've added tenses to all the verbs, because they don't seem to understand time. If you are at all paranoid about webcams being placed around your room, your best bet is to hire a small specially trained monkey from your local gadget shop. They're small, cuddly and leave only the most minute traces of their own faeces spread in the corners Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will overhear gossip today about your love life whilst you are sat on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy bit. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Gurning championships are no place for someone like you and yet you'll be tempted to find out not only *what* they are, in detail, but where they take place, entry fees, and who in your family has a talent for gurning Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A shandy is a refreshing summertime beverage: beer mixed with a little bit of lemonade. No prediction here, I just thought I'd point that Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Listen to what life is trying to tell you. But listen even more carefully to what your stomach is trying to tell you. I mean, first things first. ---------------------
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