Author |
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Prisonerno6
Member
08-31-2002
| Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 6:52 pm
Consider doing what a colleague of mine did. He and his wife bought both sides of a double house -- he lives on one side and she lives on the other. They have a door joining the two, which ca be locked from either side. :-)
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 6:58 pm
prisoner, if we ever get the garage torn down and the carriage house built OR the second floor finished out, i think things will be much better. the main floor will be mine and he can either have the carriage house (above the new garage) or he can move upstairs. it won't relieve all of my issues, but it will help with some of them. 
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 10:28 pm
LOL, Huk'd! I am happily married. Bigdog has a cave. He is in it now.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 11:08 pm
Bigdog is adorable And he does laundry and pours wine, too.. just ask Rosie.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 11:57 pm
Hold the bus. Some of us simply do not feel 100 percent from the inside out. We can't. We do need to hear it, feel it, know it, from the outside in. It's a soothing salve for our internal hurts. For me, it simply stems from the constant CONDITIONAL love I got from my mother and her pointing out how I never measured up to the 'other' kids - and I'm an only child, so she meant the kids on the street, in the building, in the schoolyard, etc. etc. So I do measure and compare, come up short most of the time. I feel things deeply, like loneliness and self-blame - and otherness. Of course I was lonely, who would want to be associated with me, never mind take me on in a relationship! Love me? I did love myself, but also hated myself, cuz I figured everyone else did, and they must have figured out that I'm a loser. So I reinvented myself when I left my hometown (where I had a few friends, but my mom didn't respect them, cuz if they liked me, then they were, less than too, you see.) So when I moved to another province, things improved, I made friends, but still the one thing I couldn't get away from was myself. Me. And the hardest word in the English language for me was loneliness. (It still is, but its not as bad.) I was ashamed. When I was lonely it reminded me of what a loser I really was/am/whatever. A freak. Busted. Outed. Exposed. I never really learned to enjoy my solitude, even though I love to read, and can go anywhere by myself, like a restaurant, the movies, a road trip and have a fine time. But then I have to ask myself, am I alone out of choice or because I have no choice? These days, I have a small coterie of good friends, and a larger circle of friendly acquaintances, so I know I'm just fine thank you very much. Most importantly, I can look back and know I've had several deep relationships with men, and finally did find someone who sees the whole package, and instead of running in the other direction... well we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary on Sunday. And we've been together for the better part of 13 years. In retrospect my childhood was lonely cuz that's how my mother perceived it to be, since it didn't measure up to her bizarre standards. But I almost always had at least one 'best friend' sometimes even two during my childhood. But she had nasty names for most of my friends, like the cow or the sl-ut, etc. So they were invalidated by her. The only ones worth knowing or befriending in her eyes, were the very ones who were very clear about not wanting to associate with me, or who enjoyed tormenting me. I don't remember her saying things like, you are a terrific kid. Those kids don't know what they are missing. I like your friends they are unique, and wonderful and fun, etc etc. Never in my life did I get that validation. Nope, I got unloaded to a foster home, as a child, and learned that misery and loneliness really could be ratcheted almost beyond measure. Anyhow, thanks to my friends and my dad I developed what little self esteem I do have. And even though I hate cooking for myself and rarely do/did - when its only for ME - At least I don't mind cooking for my dh and my dear friends. (Although I'd rather eat out. LOL) Oh and btw, my mother was wrong. I am a nice person, extremely loyal friend, and very loving wife. And I created a glamorous career out of nothing! But boy do I have tremendous abandonment issues... (ya think??? LOL) Mom's lucky I'm a forgiving soul, now that she's in a nursing home, and dependent on me to advocate on her behalf! (Okay, semi-forgiving.)
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 4:33 am
Hold the bus. Some of us simply do not feel 100 percent from the inside out. We can't. We do need to hear it, feel it, know it, from the outside in. It's a soothing salve for our internal hurts. I think that saying, "happiness comes from within" is probably a generalization and not quite so rigid as to mean 100%. It is natural for human beings to seek out and desire validation from others. Joycie, you write so clearly that your point is not lost and I easily see what you are saying. You do basically say that you have seeked out what would make you happy and that you have made a nice life for yourself. You have obviously found a way to be mostly happy with yourself and your life, and you have been able to (semi)forgive the person who created the insecurities and childhood unhappiness you live(d) with. I think that it is really easy to jump on any bandwagon in a given thread. I tend to jump on the "get over it" bandwagon when I disagree with someone. To me, the issue is truly one of give and take and requires introspection of oneself to determine whether or not each of us actually wants help or if we're posting and ignoring all replies that don't agree with our own. Again, I'm making a generalization and perhaps an unfounded assumption, I don't know. Recently, I posted that I was having a "I don't even care to breathe right now" day, which to be honest, is a VERY rare occurance with me. I was overwhelmed with life, felt crapped on by others, and was drowning in self doubt, lonliness, and probably even some self-pity. I reached out for help on the board, as a way to vent, and obviously seeking some sort of validation from friends here on the board that I was going to be o.k. and would get through that day. I looked back on the thread a whole bunch of times that day, confident that I would get some advice and stroking that I desperately needed. I got it, and I survived. We all have those days, just some of us much less frequently than others. I am grateful for this board and for those friends, (((JOYCIE))) included. My point (I apologize if I'm rambling here!) is that when humans reach out seeking help, and then it is offered, we have a choice to take it or not. My internal happiness that day absolutely depended external validation. Had I not sought help, taken what was so generously given to me, and then pulled myself together, people would have eventually tired of me. I guess that's what I'm talking about "happiness comes from within." Does that make sense? I'm sorry that I'm not nearly as eloquent with my words, but I try! I'm so happy for you that you have found the strength and resolve to make your life better than in could have been. Had you not done something about your own situation and learned what works for you, we wouldn't have our wonderful friend, Mameblanche!
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 5:38 am
Oh my goodness ... two very powerful posts! I am speechless. Hugs to both Mameb & Huk. 
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 7:29 am
What VNick said.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 8:09 am
Huk, Validation is important to me. ( I haven't read the two large posts above yet). Is it wrong for me to want people to agree with me? Are the people here really strangers? Screen names seem familiar. I may never meet any of you but aren't you truly flesh and blood behind these keystrokes? Haven't I been writing here for years, even before 2004 I think. I'm not a silly person. I don't LOL all day long. I use writing to sort things out. I try to talk about interesting issues in a serious way. And I mix in the occasional lol or <sarcasm> remark. And yeah, I guess I do look for validation. Am I the only one who sees things a certain way? If so, what's wrong with me? Maybe I need to take a break from writing and re-evaluate everything. Or maybe it's not safe to write here. People just want to argue here. Maybe my way of writing should just be private writing or email writing to people I've met or ones I trust<57>.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 8:29 am
I don't think sarcasm is the same as a good out-loud laugh.. one tends to be humor at the expense of someone else (often) while the other is often a very positive and sometimes bonding thing.. sometimes being "silly" and laughing is a very healthy/healing activity. But if you want validation, wouldn't it be a good thing to GIVE the same? So often you post that you haven't read many of the above posts, yet you sure seem to expect people to read and respond to your posts. Trust is a two-way street and you have to take a chance to actually meet someone (I remember a statement you made way back when this thread started, that you didn't intend to ever meet any of us, but hopefully you have found some you trust. As for seeing things a certain way, that doesn't make you wrong, but in the over-used but often right-on-target words of Dr Phil, "how's that working for you?". If it is working the way you want it to work, fine. If not, perhaps a different approach is in order. I don't think anything is wrong with you, and I don't think anything is wrong with any other poster, because of how they see things. ===== Mame, as for happiness coming from within.. it should and it can come from within, but so often our "within" is overcrowded with injected voices (mom, perpetrators, teachers, "society") at a young age, that we can't get TO our own within feelings or ability to generate our own sense of well-being. Plus, it is clear that many people simply prefer being with someone who adds to their happiness. And I agree, what may come from within is the hard work it might take to reach out from within and evaluate all suggestions and select one or two..
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 10:14 am
I got this in an email today and immediately thought of this thread: THE TONGUE CAN BE YOUR WORST ENEMY! Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have power to create conditions in your life. What you speak about, you can bring about. If you keep saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job. If you keep saying you can't stand your body, your body can become sick. If you keep saying you can't stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating. If you keep saying you're broke, guess what? You'll always be broke. If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find someone in your life to hurt and betray you. If you keep saying you ca n't find a job, you will remain unemployed. If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you or believe in you, your very thought will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs. If you keep talking about a divorce or break up in a relationship, then you might end up with it. Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive and power packed with faith, hope, love and action. Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve. Watch your Thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your Habits, they become character. Watch your Character, for it becomes your Destiny The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for. Thought I would share this with you. "In the search for me, I discovered truth. In the search for truth, I discovered love. In the search for love,I discovered God. And in God, I have found everything."
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 11:26 am
Thank you Sea, Huk, and Mocha, and all the ships at sea... LOL. (NOT saracasm. wink!) I want to say a few things here. The pendulum of the conversation seems to have swung to the topic of trust... Anyone who knows me well on this board can guess -correctly- that I had misgivings about posting so -from the gut- as I did, above. Many times, I am so nervous, and upset that I may have -talked too much- or just the excercise of venting was enough for me, that I ask (BEG) the mods to hurry and make that post dissapear before too many 'strangers' here see it. This time, I made sure that I ended on a positive note, one I believe, and based in fact and truth. So it hopefully wasn't a 'downer'. But the main thing is that within my discomfort, (hoping that others wouldn't say, 'Sigh, there she goes again, ripping off her internal bandaid and bleeding all over us again') I felt enough internal validation that my point was as valid as anyone elses here. And my reaction was so visceral to the topic that I wanted my opinion heard. Yes I've said these things before usually in this thread, but I feel a detachment from the pain and the misery I endured during my childhood. I was reporting last night, not reliving it. And to me that is about as healthy as I can get, when I am coming from a place of objectivity and not subjectivity. I feel so sorry for that child, I want to put my arms around her and not let go til she just KNOWS everything is going to be alright. That there are other (healthier) ways to see the world than just her mom's bizzare 'poor-me I have to measure up to the Jones or life isn't worth living' and that's all the counts' perspective. But since I can't time-travel, I can just slowly continue to have my healthy realizations, and epiphanies, and THAT IS THE BEDROCK OF INTERNAL VALIDATION IMHO - growth and acceptance and acceptance and growth. I was VERY nervous about what I'd written last night, in the wee hours, but I wouldn't let myself ask the mods to erase that post. I didn't want to erradicate my story and my feelings. They matter. And since YOU all matter, I had been careful to try not to dump, but to simply state facts and to end on an upbeat note. You guys know when I am hurting and when I am dumping, and you got it. This time I wasn't doing that. I was simply sharing my story. I wasn't bleeding on the page (too much, LOL) and I FELT TRUST AND COMFORT knowing that I might annoy or get slapped down possibly by one or two, (which amazingly didn't happen unless I missed something lol) cuz NOT EVERYONE is GONNA LUV EVERYONE ALLA DA TIME, but anyhow, I also knew that there would be others who would understand (not that those who disagree don't care, it just doesn't feel as nice. LOL) Whoops, rambling, sorry. The funny thing is that I was riding in on my white horse to rescue someone who I felt was hurting and putting it out there, so I wanted to share that I know what that's like and I get it. It may not solve his problems but its nice to be understood and not feel alone, misunderstood, 'other' all of the time. I found it hilarious that the person who I was trying to help didn't have a chance to read it, (yet, if at all) before posting again. Well... it was cathartic for me anyways. LOL. I trust you guys. Which is why I didn't ask for my post to be deleted. You are my friends. Not everyone, and to varying degrees, (reality check here, LOL) but I do feel like I am an integral part of this place. For me, 'to give is to receive' here. And while its been great meeting some of you in person, I feel as strongly and as warmly towards many I have never met, spoken on the phone with or emailed. Just by interacting in our posts here we have become friends - or caring acquaintances, and that's better than a fair-weather RL friend! Lately the hardest part of a gut-honest post, aren't the strangers/folks I've never met but the friends I've introduced to the clubhouse. They really do know me. But this place is too dear to my heart to let even those insecurities deter me from fully enjoying the clubhouse, and besides, this place is magical and they are here because I trust them to share the magic not taint it. 
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 12:36 pm
Newman, I disagree that "people just want to argue here." It does not happen all that much here. You keep asking us the same things over and over. People here have tried to help you. You say you dont want their suggestions. You seem to blame us because your life hasn't changed. I get the message you feel that we are not as smart or as sensitive as you so we cannot help you. Would you believe I thought of you today when I took myself out to lunch and had mashed potatoes with my meal.(I read your posts). We care about you and we have good ideas and share them and our stories with you but it hasn't been enough. Maybe this isn't the right format for you but I know a lot of people have been helped by this thread you started and I thank you for that.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 12:47 pm
hi, newman. i read all of the posts here but i don't always respond. and, i read a lot of folks agreeing with newman. they just don't say it in those words, they say it by telling their stories. one of the things that you ask from us is our opinion, what we think about ideas that you propose, how we handle certain situations. and, we give you that - lots of it in fact. everyone doesn't always have the same view on things as you do but i don't think that you are wrong in your beliefs. so, i am not sure what you really want from us.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 12:57 pm
I think for the most part, people see what they are inclined to see. If people see the world as negative, cold and uncaring, that's what they will see in individuals. If people see the world as caring and generally good, they will find it. There have been many kind and thoughtful posts here and there have been some critical ones. There have been some that offered advice in a caring way, some offer advice in a more harsh way (or at least a way that comes across more harshly). Ultimately, we are each responsible for what we see and what we get out of these threads. Personally, I have found a quirky, funny, educational, thoughtful, intelligent and supportive community that has made my life better. Posts like the personally risky and revealing ones above do much to help me see the world as a wonderful place, with much more good in it than otherwise. I am very grateful for this place and its people!
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 1:30 pm
I think for the most part, people see what they are inclined to see. If people see the world as negative, cold and uncaring, that's what they will see in individuals. If people see the world as caring and generally good, they will find it. Wow, you just said a mouthful. We need to post that quote above every thread in N&V. That's how I try to live. There is good in us all. Some more than others.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 2:14 pm
I'm going to say farewell for awhile. Maybe forever. Please, no tissues. What do I want to say? I just don't feel like I fit in here. I'm misunderstood. I can't be myself here. I don't want to write and label everything as a generalization or couch everything I write so as to make sure nobody's feelings are hurt. That's too cumbersome for me. If I did that I would forget my train of thought... No one gets edited like I do. I don't want the mods to work overtime just because Newman has a week of vacation. They have a thankless job. I think I'll just write to myself and to people who know me from real life, who know that I'm a good person. I'll just vent to myself when need be. Now I can watch tv and not take notes. Or maybe I'll read more...or walk more...or listen to music...or to myself. At times this site has been the highlight of my life. Very invogorating, thought provoking, fun. At other times my feelings get hurt. It's stupid to constantly get moderated and I am not a stupid or silly person. I just don't fit in here. We tried. I think we need a divorce. Why force something to work that obviously doesn't work? There are other fish (sites) in the sea. It'll be better for us both if I leave. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. Didn't mean to. I apologize. Goodbye and good luck.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 2:40 pm
Take care. But please you haven't been moderated nearly as much as I have lol.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 3:44 pm
That's too bad, Newman. There's a lot of good here. Although admittedly this place doesn't fit everyone (no place does), I always find myself wishing people could find a way to adapt rather than go away. But everyone has to decide for themselves if it's worth the compromise it might require. And uh, Mocha, no comment. Well, no comment to either of you re being moderated. Take care.
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Holly
Member
06-19-2005
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 3:45 pm
Newman, you've never come across as either stupid or silly to me. Just a guy trying to honestly and oftentimes communicate in a very difficult (for some) medium. I hope you find a site where you feel fully accepted and I wish you the best in life.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 4:45 pm
Lol Kar.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 5:14 pm
I am not saying this to be mean as it is meant in a loving way: Newman, get off your pity pot and go wash your face and comb your hair. While you're looking at yourself in the mirror tell yourself you have a wonderful life and mean it. Slap a big smile on your prune face and go out somewhere; grocery store, walk the mall, park, somewhere there are people. Keep smiling, make eye contact and say hello to everyone who looks back and some who don't. If you're really in the spirit you can add 'how you doin'?' to the hello. I sentence you to do this for one hour every day for a week. You will be amazed at how good this can make you feel and, who knows, you may meet someone to spend time with. My friend's six year old daughter did an experiment for the school science fair where she sat at the entrance to the mall with a note pad. For about 15 minutes she would give everyone who came in a big, happy smile and she kept count of how many smiled back. Then for about 15 minutes she sat there frowning at everyone and kept track of how many smiled at her then. Guess what? You get more smiles back with smiles than frowns. Who knew? Now, quit lurking and get out there.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 5:35 pm
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. AMEN to Kearie. MerrieSea, I think we're married to the same man.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 6:44 pm
Mojo, I have that on my desk at work..it is very true <57>
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 6:51 pm
It just occurred to me that I have never gotten my feelings hurt on this site. I don't always agree with everyone, but I like that in a group of people. It means that there is independent thinking going on. Sometimes someone will post in a bad mood, or with their "real life" deeply coloring their comments, but I am all for people doing that. It adds texture. In fact, I will even say that if you feel the need, go ahead and take it out on me instead of the person in the next room....I won't get nearly as emotionally involved as they will and the effect will be far less long lasting! I'll forgive you if you ask for it and even if you don't. I have a short memory for such things....and recommend that short memory to others! It adds an extra layer of richness to life. There are some of you that I can guess what you would think on almost every issue, and that is because you are so articulate in expressing your thoughts. I often do a mini-celebration for your way with words, quick wit and great hearts. I seldom read your posts and leave the computer in a bad mood. While I haven't met anyone who posts on this site in person, I know a lot of you and some of you are some of my favorite people. You add good things to my life and I appreciate you! (and that includes you, Newman!)
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