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Archive through December 07, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Jan. 2007 ~ Mar. 2007: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through December 07, 2006 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 3:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, October 11, 2006


When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
Helen Keller

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Don't trust little birdies, they're renounded liars. Until the time comes where you are able to do something about it, defer all your anger to the television shows you waste your life watching

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

See how clever you can be today by attempting to count your lose change inside your pocket WITHOUT taking your hand or the money out.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Every time you tap a key on your keyboard, you are secretly filling in a membership form to a random society. Each week henceforth you will receive a newsletter from said society, explaining your duties and sign-up fees

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Prognostication is not a good word when you are guessing the colour of a lady's real hair colour. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Bad things are afoot. I mean, can't you smell it?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Be aware that all queues are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like rollercoasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good fortune is raining down on everyone but yourself today. Find some candles, tonight will be filled with darkness. Combovers will suddenly attract you this week as you attempt to get a hospital appointment for an eye problem.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You notice that in films, it is always those opposite-sex characters who are continually angry with each other, who eventually climb into bed and have lots of fun. As tempting as it might be to see if your nemesis is up for a rumble, be aware that n!pples don't grow back if they're ripped off.

Heyltslori
Moderator

09-15-2001

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 3:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Heyltslori a private message Print Post    
LOL Mine made me laugh today!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, October 12, 2006 - 3:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Bunyan
This I resolved on -- to run, when I can; to go, when I cannot run; and to creep, when I cannot go
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Ten people will confess a manic love for you today. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A stunt involving a tea bag or still-warm coffee grounds will have the opposite effect intended at breakfast time on the 13th. Consult stain removal texts only from fellow Ariesians with urgency.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes. All the colours in the rainbow will come out to play on other people's faces today. You may be diagnosed with flu at some point this week. Gibberish may possibly occur to you at some point during the next 12 days as you attempt to do something new, or possibly old

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Peaches and cream are a cheap and enjoyable dessert menu for any supper guests. The way that aliens think is none of your business.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be left dumbfounded this evening when a man wearing nothing jumps out of your birthday cake, only to be followed seconds later by half a dozen police officers who, one by one, exit the triple-chocolate dessert in pursuit of the nude offender

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It is clear that Jupiter has been concerned about your calcium intake for quite a while and is influencing your mind using the ancient planetary technique of dreams. Vitamin and mineral supplements should be embraced until you get the running-hard-but-you-dont-move-because-you-are-in-sticky-stuff dream
.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Go against the flow. Buck the system. Push the river. Entertain the possibility that everything you know is at least half wrong. Do you catch my drift

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Remember: While volunteering to remove your shoes before entering a friend's apartment is indeed polite, volunteering to remove your shirt, pants, and undergarments is anything but

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, October 13, 2006 - 3:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope


Friday, October 13, 2006

The final wisdom of life requires not the annulment of incongruity but the achievement of serenity within and above it.
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Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You should have a relaxed week-end once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

An attempt to better market yourself will have lifelong repercussions after an ill-advised promotional giveaway off of Route 39

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

- Replace all the lights in your house tonight with high-powered spotlights. Walk around insisting that you're a movie star.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised you would two weeks ago.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your future may well rely on the kindness of others and your ability to fight your way to the front of a queue. Cup holders are terribly romantic so if you're in doubt you can always send one of those to your beaux this birthday. Guaranteed to help you receive love.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Go bowling tonight, but bring along a cannon. Whenever you bowl a bad frame, just fire away at the pins.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, October 16, 2006 - 3:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, October 16, 2006


Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Gold, Silver, Jewels. They're all smashing but ruddy expensive. You might want to lower your expectations if the stars are informing correctly. Indeed, you'll be lucky to get a mood ring as a gift than any of the above.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton." (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Monkeys may go nuts for bananas, but Nutters don't give a monkeys about going bananas. This may be important for you to remember.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The colours red and purple will mean a lot to you today as you're punched in the nose by someone you assumed was a potential mate.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Go into work today and build a play fort out of your desk. Hang up a sign that says "No Bosses Allowed." Sit in your fort all day and play with dolls.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The trip abroad you had promised yourself will have to go onto the back-burner as you try to resolve how your puppy managed to spend $3,500 shopping on the internet.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Be wary in potential investments. A penny here, a penny there -- before you know it, you've lost two cents! Shoot!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You can learn something from those around you, but you have to keep your mind open. Similarly, you can learn something from college, but you have to keep your wallet open.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Put a smile on someone's face today. Use whatever means necessary

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, October 20, 2006 - 3:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, October 20, 2006

Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.
Henry Miller (1891 - 1980)
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

As you get older you are noticing more and more radio controlled flying tadpoles being controlled by Spanish revolutionaries who live in your shoes. Look on the plus side – money will flow to you more easily and your love for turnip flavoured shrimps will increase as you find new ways to spontaneously combust.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are a true genius if you can iron your clothes without applying motor oil to your thighs or your socks. Do not dip your wig in saturated fats and burn it in a fire made from gravy boats.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Curvy, gorgeous, lascivious...my last 3 "Words of the day" that landed in my inbox. For you they will be associated with nothing.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your favourite sources of protein may dry up later tomorrow, so remember to eat lots of eggs RIGHT NOW!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause, say to try and scrape off some unspeakables from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it. However, if you keep the unspeakable on your shoe and meet your serendipitous friend, the smell might be off-putting enough to close the deal. It's a funny old world.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A terrific thought will enter your brain at around lunchtime in the next couple of days. During that period you'll be unable to suppress the giddy feeling that you're soon going to be emotionally elevated to heights you've never before dreamed of being able to reach. The world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arms, dogs will quite their yappin' after midnight. All will be right with the world because you will have found your true love - and it will be yourself. You are the best you could ever hope for.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Hang in there, and influence the world with your amazing ability to drool on toilet seats.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are likely to encounter a hairy pumpkin who will take you on a roller coaster ride with a giraffe

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Thinking about all you have achieved in the world of flammable bananas is an excellent way to calm your nerves, especially if you intend to get yourself pregnant with a laughing fishcake

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Beware of turnips.






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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, October 25, 2006 - 3:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, October 25, 2006


If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.
Bertrand Russell
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The best you could ever really hope for will appear to you today in a day dream. Although this vision may appear to look like you with a handlebar moustache, the truth is even more frightening

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Ignore those who laugh at your sense of style. The world moves pretty fast around you and you must learn to slow it down to a reasonable pace. Much of this can be done with a hefty broad-sword.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Avoiding the cracks on pavements can seem like a fun game, and probably is. Your ability to play this game may be affected by one or more broken legs

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Any jamborees you attend today are likely to be fun-filled as well as informative. Any rumours you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. This week may cause some problems for you as your secrets are shared across the internet

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Ten to one may seem like fair odds, but then how likely are you to be able to successfully breed Pandas
with Llamas (a Panama). Shallow puddles may deceive you today. The phenomenon of time standing still may occur to you numerous times today

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You may find solace in someone's choice of underwear today. If you can fit in this week, you'll know that your work is done. Your vision won't fail so long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Compact Discs are very shiny, but using them to attract seagulls in order to hit them to death with your shoe is neither good manners nor entirely legal. You are overworked and underpaid. Man, I'm good at this horoscope lark, aren't I? Baskets of eggs may cause problems for you today as you try to take on too much work

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will branching out into the break-neck world of off-road rally driving.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark."

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, October 27, 2006 - 3:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Friday, October 27, 2006


Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.
Arthur Rubinstein (1886 - 1982)

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Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Jumping up and down is great fun and encouraging others to do so is a fine way to make friends and see wobbling breasts. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This might be a good time to learn how to really "flick" your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I'm betting it's soon, though, in your case.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware: A black magic cult will throw spells at you from across the road at least forty-seven times this month. Try not to do anything twice and always look behind you as you walk down the street, moderating your pace randomly. You will invariably be saved by the fact that the members of the black magic cult are heavy alcohol abusers and their aim is poor.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A better understanding of burning hairnets could mean the difference between having your hair taken over by a gang of sea urchins, and having your scalp replaced with banana skin.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The bizarre and the unexpected may happen as your skin outbreaks in a serious case of grapefruits. You may notice an increase in the number of semi-naked dwarves throwing fish and parsnips at you, but this should not put you off chasing your life-long goal of replacing your carpet with 20,000 imitation spatulas.



Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A famous Norwegian proverb says, "A good person will always lick an ice cube twice before he fills his skull with rancid yoghurt"

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

In a previous life you were a chess grand master - it's true. Challenge a loved one to an impromptu chess match after a few drinks. You may like to toy with their backward chess playing skills for a little while (like a kitten with a ball of wool) before tearing their chess playing dreams to shreds with your Queen and Knight using a little understood pincer maneuver.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your best friend may morph into a ball of cotton wool. In that kind of scenario its always best to ram a paperweight up their nostril and force them to bungee jump with mad donkeys

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Pretending to pick fleas off a new member of staff may seem appealing, but the gag may be on you if you actually find some. Art is always something you've admired from a distance, but today you may choose to embrace your pinker side

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today will make it hard for you to make any sense of roofle wimblipickstone. If you think you've got problems today, just wait until tomorrow! Chunks of meat will plague you today...or give you the plague. The mystics are being terribly vague on this one.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

If you didn’t sing Christmas carols to pies you might stand a snowflakes chance in he!! of walking on your eyeballs, or even force feeding aliens with chocolate oranges. Keep your eyes peeled – you never know when you might need them.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, October 28, 2006 - 8:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, October 28, 2006


Only the curious will learn and only the resolute overcome the obstacles to learning. The quest quotient has always excited me more than the intelligence quotient.
Eugene S. Wilson

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Using words may help you communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids sewn shut.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Resist the temptation to buy a competitively priced new car this month from a Mafia controlled garage. You will be sold a lemon but when you try to take it back it will upset the garage owners in a messily horse's-head-in-the-bed type Godfather way

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

There’s no business like show business! Ya'll may think this cliché could never apply to you, but haven’t you heard the old saying “Never say never”? Your performance anxiety will vanish and you’ll be the life of the party (in pink tutu and a golden tiara) if you choose to be.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your coworkers have been getting to you and work is mounting up, but if you can relieve your stress, you’ll be fine. I’d recommend you take a hot bath, go for a walk, or kill your coworkers

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Things are going your way today. Your love life is improving, your income is soaring, and they give you free refills on all your drinks at Taco Bell. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re a super hero. Jump in front of a speeding bullet and find out if you are or not for me, will you?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Wearing gloves may make you feel like you're a master criminal, but you may be best to avoid wearing gloves with your name emblazened on the palm.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

The army has always held a fascination for you. Today might be a day where new things start to happen. The odds on you surviving the day with your sanity intact are low. It is tantalising to think that you may be the favourite person in your area. However, fame always leads to the embarrassing disclosure of old XXX tapes of you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Unleash your emotions by covering yourself with dog whelks and screaming at passing police officers in the street. You will turn red with lust and your relationships will be on fire


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Heyltslori
Moderator

09-15-2001

Saturday, October 28, 2006 - 8:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Heyltslori a private message Print Post    
Leo and Aquarius made me laugh out loud today.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, October 29, 2006 - 7:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Don't miss me too much I'll be in Disney for 5 days :-)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, November 04, 2006 - 9:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, November 4, 2006


Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced... an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries that challenge you.
Meladee McCarty

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

What you hear and what was said may differ today, so be aware of either your failing hearing or your increasing hatred of those talking to you. The smoothness of your arms are testiment to all your work in that area.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

In time you will come to realise the futility of trying to scratch your name in your refridgerator using a rubber band. Tight-rope walking is an excellent way to lose a few pounds...from your intestine.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Controlling your situation may become more difficult than you imagine when you're strapped down inside a barrel, heading over niagara falls.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It's never too late to do that thing you always wanted to do. You know - the THING. The thing? You know. If you don't care what the weatherman says when the weatherman says it's raining - that's great! If you mis-use the word literally once more today ("I *literally* laughed my ass off"), you're going to feel what it's like to be hit "upside the head".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Telling your partner that you are better than they at sex, is probably not going to win you any favours. And this was what was written in a sandwich in Mexico. Strangeness, huh? Laughter will help you today, especially if you want to avoid crying.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You may notice an increase in the number of semi-naked dwarves throwing fish and parsnips at you, but this should not put you off chasing your life-long goal of replacing your carpet with 20,000 imitation spatulas.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

The bizarre and the unexpected may happen as your skin outbreaks in a serious case of grapefruit

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

While your mate is sleeping tonight, paint giant green polka dots all over him. When he wakes up, say, "Honey, you've certainly come down with a peculiar rash!"

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A better understanding of burning hairnets could mean the difference between having your hair taken over by a gang of sea urchins, and having your scalp replaced with banana skin

Heyltslori
Moderator

09-15-2001

Saturday, November 04, 2006 - 10:01 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Heyltslori a private message Print Post    
Welcome back Nancy! Hope you had fun in Disney. :-)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, November 04, 2006 - 10:24 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
thanks i did--although my knee is acting up so i had to limit the walking around the park(s) somewhat--i just pick and choose wha i really wanted to do/see(soaring!)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 - 5:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, November 7, 2006


I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia." He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Hat buying could serve you well today as a potential relationship sparks up in a hat shop. Specifically, you'll be looking at hats. Your potential partner may be looking at gloves. You may discuss why a hat shop sells gloves. You set your sights too high, it's time to lower them in order to find true love. Be aware that marrying your own pets is not allowed in most countries.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Buying a T-Shirt proclaiming your bald patch is a solar panel for a sex machine is a good idea. Praying to false gods never seemed so good after this week. You may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Alf.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

During the week things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering "Have you had a haircut?" "Facelift?" "Liposuction?". The truth will be much simpler and more exciting than they could possibly understand.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Someone called Dave will contact you in the next couple of days. Peaches and cream - if only more things were like these two beautiful, oft-paired, delights.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The newspaper will become a source of great amusement this week as an article tickles your fancy in almost every way. The thought of you losing your mind is making you lose your mind. If you ever get out of that hole, the chances are that you're still going to be a neurotic plague of badness.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today's mishaps will come in the shape of a toad, whilst salvation will come in the shape of a large truck. There's a future in toad-jam, by the way, if you're at all interested. It tastes lousy but makes a really good insect repellent.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, November 09, 2006 - 4:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, November 9, 2006


Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.

Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Three Doctors, 1993
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today the bull-headed ram charges straight into trouble. Be extra careful with motion on the third. Tell the police it wasn't your fault. A moonchild on the jury will acquit.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You have paperwork to attend to, attend to it. Blow the dust off the pile marked, 'Things I must one day get around to dealing with urgently'. Sweep the cobwebs away from the drawer labelled, 'Too complicated to think about at the moment'.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A happy-go-lucky colleague from work is set to bring you grief this month, peppered, as always, by a moment or two of genuine belly laughing hilarity. A reference to water should be taken as a sign that harm is just around the corner

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

What appears to be a simple run-of-the-mill planetary conjunction between Jupiter and Mars on the 9th, is about to have a profound effect on your taste buds. Both relish and tomato ketchup will 'taste funny' for most of the month. Be on guard when adding what is normally your favourite condiment up until 18th

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It is clear that Jupiter has been concerned about your calcium intake for quite a while and is influencing your mind using the ancient planetary technique of dreams. Vitamin and mineral supplements should be embraced until you get the running-hard-but-you-dont-move-because-you-are-in-sticky-stuff dream

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This seemingly, unbelievably, ludicrously well paid new profession, should be carefully considered, although your attention is drawn to the significant amounts of small print in the contract.

Your lucky sport this month will be football (soccer) including hooliganism and especially throwing homemade missiles.

Take refuge in your gruff persona daily until 11am.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Pillows are a special addition to a couch or settee for a romantic evening - ensure the pillows don't have Mr T's face on them, or your own nose blood. Whilst you could have a case arguing that the two can be attractive, unless you're willing to put on Rocky III as a demonstration, I'd try to avoid it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Gambling is something that may get the better of you, shortly. Remember, gambling doesn't always mean forfeiting money but can also take the form of running an amber light, crossing the road when it appears to be safe, and not having medical insurance. These 3 "gambles" may occur to you, and others around you, simultaneously.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Combovers will suddenly attract you this week as you attempt to get a hospital appointment for an eye problem. Geeks and nerds - one big smelly bunch of cyber-crimes waiting to happen. And you're next on their list. Everything you say today will be like a very beautiful flower, spreading its seed amongst cactii.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Hunky-dory" - a beautiful phrase that will sum up the day, week and month for you. You see, it's just going to be tip-top from here-on-in and the smile on your face is going to bug the living heck out of everyone. When asked if you're OK today, you may feel tempted to respond with physical violence






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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 - 4:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains or becomes slightly colder than usual. Or if you happen to be caught out whilst parading naked around your local shopping centre.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Football hasn't been known, historically, for bringing people together. Today may prove to be the exception to that rule as you'll fall in love with someone whose head looks very similar to a football. It's time to get out that favourite clothing and tart yourself up till you smell like...well, a bottle of nice smells. Oh yes, the time is upon you and you will succeed.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will seek out a friendly roadworks sign and command it to hand over all its Hello Kitty flannels.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be approached by many man-eating plants today who may convince you to balance live koi-carp on your nose.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Avoid 80s themed bars - you could end up meeting a pack of gibbons in there who are planning to smuggle your fiance's donkey on board the next space shuttle launch..

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You have the ability to find peace within yourself if you store your collection of shoes inside your collarbone. Try not to be shy – there’s nothing wrong with wearing skirts made from horse manure

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You may get the urge to hypnotize your Uncle by smearing a block of cheese over his forehead


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A secret held close to you for many years could come out into the open. Your friends and family may become aware of a giant tunnel filled with carrots and tap dancing bananas inside your car trunk.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 - 4:58 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If it's tasty, then lap it up. If not, don't. This is the best course of action for this week.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks like your nose.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In time you will come to realise the futility of trying to scratch your name in your refridgerator using a rubber band. Tight-rope walking is an excellent way to lose a few pounds...from your intestine.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits. What do you do? As accurate as the weather report might be, you must be careful to avoid the 3011 bus.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Three is the magic number, but you may find that one is sufficient for you today. Always make time to shop for car insurance. It will make your day more fulfilling.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are a carrier bag and life is one big supermarket. Now you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12". That's as exciting as it gets. The right moment could grab you at any moment.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Peaches and cream are a cheap and enjoyable dessert menu for any supper guests. Go with that animal instinct. You're Tony the tiger?and you're GRRRRREEEAT Your lucky horse for today is: Sombrero's Lid.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

When trying to take the top of a bottle of aspirin, you may find yourself contemplating destroying the universe.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 - 2:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, November 22, 2006


People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Breakfast of Champions

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Avoid oxygen as this will make your entire left toenail swell to 20 times its normal size. Wear a cap which says, “I love grapefruits” and you will be loved by model aircraft enthusiasts around the country

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Wear a fez, cover yourself in ketchup, then climb onto your roof and hang out with the pigeons

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Stuff your nose with rosemary and figs if you want to live for another 100 years. It might also be beneficial for you to take tap dancing lessons from a goat.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Spend all your money on a birthday cake shaped like a pair of sheep’s lungs and feed it to a random mountain goat.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will get the urge to roll up into a little ball and sing the entire works of Shakespeare in a high-pitched voice. Don’t worry about this, as its only a natural part of your life and has not been caused by wearing the wrong lipstick

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today will make it hard for you to make any sense of roofle wimblipickstone.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Pull out of any prior engagements tonight as you are about to receive a special unexpected visitor. Weather can change in an instant, so be prepared for every eventuality today. Even and especially if that means dressing up in 3 different types of clothing. If you think you've got problems today, just wait until tomorrow!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Find a bunch of avid bird-watchers. Make up a bird name, like the "yellow-breasted singsong dove-tailed water finch." Tell them it's very rare and worth a million dollars.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your relationship will improve by 200% if you take the time this week to nurture your collection of duck eggs which you keep under your hat. Stroke them with a feather duster every 2 hours and draw pictures of what kind of monkeys you think will hatch from them

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 - 10:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Middle age is that time of life when you finally know your way around but don't feel like going.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your worst fears may come to light today when you are shoved into a very small hole filled with sharks, insects, spiders, snaked and moths. Accuracy is not necessary when stacking blocks, until you come to around the 5th or 6th.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Post-it note your entire life and you can become some kind of local hero. You're almost certainly to star on the local news. Tantalising new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Most of your ideas will turn out to be excellent ones today. Avoid having too many ideas, otherwise you may fall from your station. Weekend "raves" are not something that happen to you anymore. But it's okay, you have things like Wogan instead.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Be warned the some lazy-boy reclining chairs can become dangerous if soaked in lime juice. You are not registered to view this horoscope, and yet you still are. Perhaps this is your calling.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelace and stare at a friend's crotch.





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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 - 4:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

It is better to have a little ability and use it well than to have much ability and make poor use of it.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Potato salesmen may call today and leave you a spud on your doorstep. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope is: expect a gift horse. Perhaps it's true that you're not the immense stud you once were.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least, it should be. If you've not experienced this then it's time to either look elsewhere or just look harder! Love moves in mysterious ways, mostly of them diagonal. Oh that wacky crazy love - no curvy lines for *it*, no sirree!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Sorry. Theres no horoscope for you, so there's no point reading this. Honestly, nothing is going to happen to you, so be grateful and go do something useful... whaaat!? What do you want me to say? Oh OK fine! Be careful when you open doors for gibbons cos... err... they might steal your err... gonads. There, happy now?!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You should beware of old ladies who stuff their bras with dental floss. They have been known to behave in a very anti-social manner and could potentially coat your anus with a permanent dye if you make any remarks about the quality of horse eggs.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to new neighbours. All the advice I could share with you would blow your mind and leave nothing to the imagination.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Theres never been a better time to get some exercise. Get off your fat ass and do some exercise - chasing squirrels whilst giggling like a child doesn't count!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your friend's brains will shrink to the size of a pea. Take advantage of this by replacing all their limbs with string beans donating your elbows to Jennifer Lopez

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Financial affairs shouldn't be a problem so long as you marry a rich guy with raisins in his eyesockets

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, December 01, 2006 - 5:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, December 1, 2006

The best things in life are free, but it costs a lot of time and money before you find this out."

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Any spikes that you see in your power usage may be due to unforeseen and deadly circumstances. Your spine is going to feel a tingling sensation later this day and you're not going to be able to attribute it to anything specific.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your daily rituals are what keep you going. Avoid the temptation to change your ways, lest you become half the person you are today. Limericks are great, but perhaps you might avoid talking incessantly in one large storybook of tall tales.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Sweet, sticky, orange stuff. Possibly marmalade or an orange lolly. We're not quite sure what it is, or what it has to do with you today...but it definitely features. If you don't like orange - don't panic! It might taste like something completely different, like sausages. Or beans. Yes, it could be beans.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Fun times lie ahead but be wary of those who offer you fun via emails. You may find that some messages you see today will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Something happens today that will make you sit up and believe that you are here for a purpose. Then a swift rejection will make you crash to the ground quicker than you could ever hope to regain your confidence again.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today might see a need for you to call attention to yourself, and we're always happy to recommend faxing semi-nude pictures of yourself to random numbers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Just desserts is a damn good name for a dessert company. Which is why approximately 90 firms are currently trading under that name

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Falling in love is as easy as touching your elbow with the fingers of the same arm

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The life of a party you most certainly aren't this weekend. Armchair politicians will affect your life today as they rise from their dank pits and begin to conquer the known world.


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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, December 07, 2006 - 5:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, December 7, 2006


Summer is the season when the men who have not been wearing felt hats all winter change to not wearing straw hats.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Perhaps your most amazing ability is the fact that your hair will glow a variety of different colours and people will stop you in the street and say, “The crow flies at midnite and the ink is in the drywall."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Avoid throwing melons at blue people. They aren’t really aliens, you know!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to sweetcorn. Your choice of reading material is starting to swerve dangerously into the "blue" section.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Brown is your unlucky colour for today. Avoid it whereever possible. Peaches and cream - if only more things were like these two beautiful, oft-paired, delights. Make yourself a coffee, sit down and read the internet. Heck, it's what you do everyday, right.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Damage caused by rage might cost you around $250 this weekend. Avoid posh bars. In time you will come to realise the futility of trying to scratch your name in your refridgerator using a rubber band.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Become as the rabbit. All will become clear as the moon begins its wane. This month provides you with the greatest chance of making it

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Going "wild" does not necessarily mean that you have to remove all your clothing. Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. Any advice given to you today will seem like poppycock, and it probably is.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Cups of tea and coffe will start to rack up around your desk today as you try to get everything done under the heady influence of a bucket of caffeine.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.

Lancecrossfire
Animoderator

07-13-2000

Thursday, December 07, 2006 - 5:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lancecrossfire a private message Print Post    
ACK! no hats!!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, December 07, 2006 - 5:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post