Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, January 31, 2006 - 6:16 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, January 31, 2006 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) - More quotations on: [Progress] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Energies are high today, so you might want to spend the time working on one of those projects you've been putting off, such as alphabetically rearranging all your canned goods. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Relations with people is your strong suit. Actually, that unwashed sport coat sitting in your closet is your strongest suit, but I won't bring that Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Once you've been convinced that your mother isn't a hamster, it's time to move onto the father and his famed elderberry odour. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Have fun this evening. Hire 20 wenches to stick post-it notes around your home with messages written on them to remind you not to do it again. . Leo (July 23 - August 22) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) WALLS have ears, be considerate, don't shout too loud. Ghosts do exist. In your house. At the foot of your bed. Stage a vigil, check it out!. Libra (September 22 - October 22) YOU'VE got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and throw a tantrum a work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your stare could pierce the strongest steel and your chin could melt the heart of a lion, but your cheesy toenails can only fight tissues. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Spilling coffee on a poodle will only cause it to wear a bra on its head. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) One day you look forward to owning many properties and building little itty bitty houses(4 of them) or a hotel on it. -----------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, January 31, 2006 - 6:16 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, January 31, 2006 }}} The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) - More quotations on: [Progress] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Energies are high today, so you might want to spend the time working on one of those projects you've been putting off, such as alphabetically rearranging all your canned goods. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Relations with people is your strong suit. Actually, that unwashed sport coat sitting in your closet is your strongest suit, but I won't bring that Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Once you've been convinced that your mother isn't a hamster, it's time to move onto the father and his famed elderberry odour. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Have fun this evening. Hire 20 wenches to stick post-it notes around your home with messages written on them to remind you not to do it again. . Leo (July 23 - August 22) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) WALLS have ears, be considerate, don't shout too loud. Ghosts do exist. In your house. At the foot of your bed. Stage a vigil, check it out!. Libra (September 22 - October 22) YOU'VE got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and throw a tantrum a work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your stare could pierce the strongest steel and your chin could melt the heart of a lion, but your cheesy toenails can only fight tissues. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Spilling coffee on a poodle will only cause it to wear a bra on its head. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) One day you look forward to owning many properties and building little itty bitty houses(4 of them) or a hotel on it. -----------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 01, 2006 - 5:42 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 1, 2006 Often we can achieve an even better result when we stumble yet are willing to start over, when we don't give up after a mistake, when something doesn't come easily but we throw ourselves into trying, when we're not afraid to appear less than perfectly polished. Sharon Salzberg, O Magazine, The Power of Intention, January 2004 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) When the morning is done, you will have your sweet reward Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On." Aries (March 21 - April 19) Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today. Apocalyptic dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're crazy. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Be sure to put a bid in, on eBay for Britney Spears left toenail. It will serve as an excellent good luck charm Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's marvellous. No, really, it is absolutely marvellous. You'll see. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your desired outcome may not be what you expected even though you desired it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Dressing as a feline may give others cause for concern today. Things are going to come to a head today and either go well, go badly, or go...kinda...OK. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Take time to do things properly. Have you been out shopping recently? By shopping I mean leaving the house, not ordering "rabbit toys" from your local online knick-knack store. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Spiders have feelings too - an undeniable but ultimately useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Phone up a good friend and say "I am a circus tent" to them, then hang up Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Be wary of gluten free bread trying to live inside your bathroom without paying rent. Line the inside of your bath with latex and at the same time ask your best friend to dance like a pixie, if you want to survive. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 03, 2006 - 5:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 3, 2006 Fitness - If it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body. - Cher -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You need to travel a lot more. Seek advice from your nearest turnip refuge centre and demand a steam powered banana from them. They will give you a paper plate and ask you to start your own band. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Silver foil can make a good hat, it's true. However, it can also be used as a sheathe should you find yourself lucky one lunchtime. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You waste too much time trying to gather information about goats. It wont do you any good and you will still be able to eat peanuts and ride horses backwards Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Art is always something you've admired from a distance, but today you may choose to embrace your pinker side. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Rudolph, who is admittedly good at knawing on branches, is probably not that good at flying. Hence your planned trip to the local cliff edge, is probably not in his best interests. The life of a party you most certainly aren't this weekend. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Breaking out of your shell is best done sooner than later. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your charm is high. Make sure you make the most of it. Now is the right time to ask your garden gnomes for some left-over Christmas tinsel to replace your plasma television. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You need your friends for emotional support incase you get eaten by a man-eating plant. You need to stop feeling up Nuns for fun. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Many of the truths you desparately cling to are beset by the fact that you read only comic books and talk to children. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Kindling is always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2x4 plank. Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after losing a "wacky race".
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 5:56 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 7, 2006 In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Limericks are great, but perhaps you might avoid talking incessantly in one large storybook of tall tales. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) All your better ideas have already been stolen and used in the past. Which perhaps suggests you should prefix "crackpot" to the unofficial title you give yourself. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Presenting yourself with home-made cardboard awards is probably not the sanest way to go about giving yourself a morale boost. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will fin a yellow and orange colored tabby cat, wearing a pashmina, sitting on your fencepost today. She wants Milk and cookies. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A new phase in your life will begin for you. You will gather everyone in your street and build the biggest computer mouse in history using ingredients from IKEA Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Its within your own interests to buy as many jellybeans as possible and build a giant space rocket from them. Mercury will reward you with goats. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are coming on too strong. Slow down and control your diet of pickled eggshells. They are radioactive and will frown upon your abuse of gluten free bread! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Communication should be your no 1 concern right now. Try to avoid using grated cheese when making cups of coffee for guests. Sugar would be a far better choice. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will grow a third arm from your forehead and use it to locate missing paperclips for your local library Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You have a tendency to be creative. Storing chocolate oranges in cages will make you go from strength to strength and will raise the value of your currency. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 10, 2006 - 5:54 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 10, 2006 An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't. Anatole France (1844 - 1924) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Having had a taste of victory last week, today may seem like the ideal opportunity to go wild. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) As the planet Mars moves into alignment, you will find many different species of giraffes hiding in your hair and keeping your pockets stocked up with plenty of olive oil. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) One weeks worth of lemons is not enough to prevent squirrels from stealing cashew nuts from your shoes. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Cancerians to railroad tracks Leo (July 23 - August 22) Take time to have some fun occasionally. Soaking your grandmother in gin is a great idea but exchanging your best friends shoes for a train ticket is not the best way to learn to Tango. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Be cautious in financial matters. Those vegetable slicers they sell on TV, for instance, aren't really that great. Don't ask me how I know Libra (September 22 - October 22) Here's a fun trick to play on people today: go up to them and solemnly whisper, "They know." Watch their panicked reactions. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers implanted in your abdomen. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) STRANGERS are everywhere. If you're buying a sailing boat, don't go overboard. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Happiness is a fresh towel, right out of the dryer. Unless the dryer is broken, in which case the towel is probably damp and cold and not very happy at all. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 14, 2006 - 6:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 14, 2006 Know how to ask. There is nothing more difficult for some people, nor for others, easier. Baltasar Gracian -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Flapping your arms like a bird is a good way to call attention to yourself. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Many of your emotions have been plagiarised by others who have no idea how you feel. NO IDEA I TELLS YA! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits. What do you do? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Why not amuse your boss today by making an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower out of Scotch tape and paper clips? If she gets angry, simply state, "Fine. You try to introduce a little culture to some people, and see what happens." Libra (September 22 - October 22) YOUR lucky hand for today is: Left. If you don't feel well, take the day off!. Your outlook for today is Microsoft Outlook. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 15, 2006 - 4:59 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 15, 2006 One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.” Erma Bombeck -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) \ \ Learn how to tie at least three different types of knots today. Don't learn how to untie them, however. That would be too much work. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Find a parking lot. Carve your name into the paint of every car. Bonus points if you include your phone number. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Buy a nice plant for yourself today. Dump it on your head and walk around insisting that this thing grew there overnight. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An eruption, an earthquake or possibly just a broken dish will increase the amount of uncertainty to 'nicely pleasant' this month. Ensure you are only 10 steps away from a door at any time especially during the period of siesta. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The morning brings with it the opportunity of speaking without thinking. Don't do any thinking as it's not written in the stars. Half of you probably do not think anyway, so you're already 'living the dream'. There are many added benefits this month due to lack of thinking - I can't think of any at the moment as I am a Virgo and have therefore refused to think. Libra (September 22 - October 22) you should be on the look out for handle bar moustaches, prancing around, tight t-shirts, buck teeth, a shaggy lead guitarist and a 'Skalamush do the fandango' (eh?). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be asked by a Broadway director to play the lead in Fiddler on the Roof due, solely, to your bushy beard. You will accept the role, rehearse well, but at the last minute you will decide not to turn up. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Hold on to your britches it is going to be a wild ride. Do your part in the recycling to keep the landfills from filling up. Be sure to save all the labels and boxes from the foods you prepare for dinner. Take them to work to decorate your office or cubicle. Don’t be surprised if you get a special visit from your boss. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today see's Mars come into conjunction with Tatooine, whilst Neptune overshadows Cardassia. This shows that whilst the day will be a fortuitous one for you, it is also a pack of lies as Tatooine and Cardassia are fictional planets in Star Wars and Star Trek. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) you'll receive a secret message. I cannot reveal what medium this message will be in as I don't know, I'm making this up, but when it does come be aware and listen. The message might be within this message, or within the message within this message. If you're lost, you've missed the message and today will be officially shot.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 16, 2006 - 5:53 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 16, 2006 Silence is a text easy to misread. A. A. Attanasio, 'The Eagle and the Sword' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Perhaps you should associate lemons with your Mothers nostrils a lot more often. The resemblance is more complex then a giant tentacle with ice-cubes for eyes. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The next time you feel like slipping on something a little more comfortable, why not wear a giant squid around your body? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You focus too much on the small details in your life. Vibrating underpants are not really that important unless you own at least two ploughs. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It doesn't matter how old you get those pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world Libra (September 22 - October 22) The next time you go out for a walk, try not wear a dark cloak and slap old mens butts for giggles. You are not Daffy Duck and your toenails are not in love with sprouts Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If someone gets your goat today, steal their prize cow Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Banter between two important people may sway you in your current ideas about progressing with your life. However, until you hear this banter it is impossible to say which direction you'll take. The best of excuses are those that are plausible (so, not ones that involve you, super-powers and hordes of sexy friends). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Weeks are made to find new ways of entertaining yourself during boredom. Make sure your weekend reflects this happier time.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 22, 2006 - 5:44 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 22, 2006 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Take time to digest your houseplants properly. If done correctly you will be stress free for at least 2 weeks and there will be no need to install a smoke alarm inside your spleen Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Leave shopping for later. For now, spend a little time getting to know your garden fence a little better. Offer it steamed vegetables and spoons. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The power of focus is important. Get a giant rubber fly from your nearest whelk retailer and focus on it with a magnifying glass. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Gluing yourself to your wallpaper will increase your life experience as well as enhance your cabbage gas production. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Do not be alarmed if a bunch of angry baboons charge at you armed with wooden spoons. They only wish to steal your goth make-up. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You can't go wrong today - everything is set up for brilliance. Scroll further down any web pages you access today, just in case there are hidden clauses you aren't aware of. Libra (September 22 - October 22) I do not think this horoscope means what you think it means. Raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old man who runs the hairdressers down the road, is not. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A great day to buy a spice rack! Even if you already have several. Because you can never, ever have enough spice racks. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Don't be embarrassed by your actions today, embrace your flamboyant side. If there's one thing you can take for granted this week, it's that things cannot be taken for granted. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't be embarrassed by your actions today, embrace your flamboyant side. If there's one thing you can take for granted this week, it's that things cannot be taken for granted. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 24, 2006 - 11:01 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 24, 2006 Edith Wharton: Life is the only real counselor; wisdom unfiltered through personal experience does not become a part of the moral tissue. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll be surprised and pleased to find yourself listed between Leah and Levi in <i>Who's Who In The newspaper, but you won't really like what the editors had to say. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll experience a soufflé that sends you into a white-hot inferno of culinary passion, instantly incinerating you and everyone in the downtown restaurant district. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.</p> Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.</p> Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.</p> Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) IF you feel well, take your clothes off!. Be careful of people who are known to backstab without thought. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) WHAT is a very common word and will be ignored. At times like these you want to kiss bullfrogs. Hoping for death is not a good sign Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Peace will be your constant friend today. Later, however, peace will move in with you and eat all the food in your refrigerator.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 8:42 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, February 25, 2006 "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." Engrave this quote in Our Store! | -Confucius ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Leave shopping for later. For now, spend a little time getting to know your garden fence a little better. Offer it steamed vegetables and spoons Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Forget your worries by slipping on a giant banana skin over your head and claim to be the King AND Queen of Jellyfish. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware! All the gerbils in the world want to stuff your mouth with walnuts and declare you their sacred Uncle! Leo (July 23 - August 22) The older you get the more you're starting to realise that everyone else is an idiot Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your cat will wake you up by sitting on your face. ONCE awake, she will present you with her latest 'prize'. Libra (September 22 - October 22) All the colours in the rainbow will come out to play on other people's faces today. You may be diagnosed with flu at some point this week. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) When opening the door for a stranger, take care to notice any loose change that they may drop so that you can slam the door in their face, grab the money, and then run for dear life. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Smiles help the world go round, especially when the smiles are accompanied by dirty big wads of cash. Cold hard cash. In fact, forget the smiles, just give everyone money. A new love will present itself today, grab it with both hands, in all possible places. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, if today's "life's problem" is that you stepped in lots of dog poo, please try not to kick so wildly --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, February 27, 2006 - 4:24 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, February 27, 2006 "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special." --Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away. Sir Thomas Beecham (1879 - 1961) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching re-runs of I love Lucy. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The loony-left is a phrase that you quite like. Your itchy nose will soon be gone after you suffer a week of agonising hell locked in a pepper cupboard with a strait-jacket Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Drive away fear. Or at least call it a cab and give it enough fare to get home. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Prognostication is not a good word when you are guessing the colour of a lady's real hair colour Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Mark a glass bottle with the words, "I Love Lobsters" and cancel all your appointments with the mandrill king. If Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Avoid Jennifer Lopez shaped stencils at all costs. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Do yourself a favour and pour a bucket of acorns over your best friends head whilst they are in the shower. They will thank you for all the new trees which grow from them. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Wear a crash helmet made from jelly and tangerine peels if you intend to go sky-diving off a 2 foot high wall Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You may feel as if all your friends are bewitched into thinking they are all bisexual spiders. Beware! Do not drink their blue juice --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 5:50 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 28, 2006 True happiness is of a retired nature, and an enemy to pomp and noise; it arises, in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self, and in the next from the friendship and conversation of a few select companions. Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719), The Spectator, March 17, 1911 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Charging Ni-Cad batteries may give way to something a little more sinister such as giving birth to sneezing eagles. Remain vigilant Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Seeking out the help of medically qualified sheep is perhaps your greatest talent when in need of financial advice. Be sure to rectify all drunken lemons. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Be nice and offer everyone you meet a toffee and a golf club. One-way street signs will no longer make any sense to you and purple giraffes will hiss at you randomly. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Growing trombones in your hair is an excellent way to attract the attention of mandrills. Green rats will applaud you for no reason. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If you are worthy of your honour, then you will not take over a foreign country using only a stick and a ball of twine Libra (September 22 - October 22) Only a pregnant moose will be able to board a bus filled with donuts. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) TELEPHONE boxes are not usually the best places to try on spandex trousers. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You've experienced the convenience of the "copy" keyboard shortcut for years now, but it'll really start paying off after you discover the "paste" keyboard shortcut this week. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are a carrier bag and life is one big supermarket. Now you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12". That's as exciting as it gets Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It probably seems unreal right now, but you are likely to meet a long-lost relative over the coming month or so. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, March 01, 2006 - 6:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, March 1, 2006 “It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout.” Cheryl Tiegs quotes (American Model, b.1947) “Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be” George Sheehan quotes (American physician, author and running enthusiast, 1918 - 1993 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Form a fanatical religious cult. Insist that your followers eat only raw sugar, straight from the box. Declare war on those who use Equal and Sugar Twin. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) THE ability to bend coins in your hands does not make you super-human. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) YOU are unduly thought of as a wise-cracker. You are neither wise, nor a cracker. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) TYOUR lucky number for today is: 3.45643. The frequency of your warbling helps hurt people's earrings. Leo (July 23 - August 22) \ Things to avoid today: Carpets and pizza. Especially Pizza ON carpets. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Super-hero day is your own invention, and as such not a free-pass to wearing your underwear on the outside, unless your also wearing your wallet on the outside. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Seek comfort in clothing today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The thought of you losing your mind is making you lose your mind. If you ever get out of that hole, the chances are that you're still going to be a neurotic plague of badness. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Three is the magic number, but you may find that one is sufficient for you today. The newspaper will become a source of great amusement this week as an article tickles your fancy in almost every way. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Ensure the correctly colored shoes are worn at all times. (Tips from the planets: Jupiter favours purple with green stripes, but Pluto, your dominant personal workout planet, is leaning towards orange and pink dots.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, March 02, 2006 - 4:47 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, March 2, 2006 “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” John Quincy Adams “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” Friedrich Nietzsche -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover, much to your chagrin, a 1970's retro disco, named after you, opening downtown this month. Offer to guest open it in flared trousers and big hair for not less than $1000 appearance money or free drinks for life. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Creative thoughts suggesting a before untried workout combination of Bonsai with Kick Boxing, will lay heavily on your thoughts. Give in to your initial scepticism and make plans for a DVD release. Be quick to market, or something else could be the next big thing Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An ageing beautician will challenge you to an arm wrestle following a moment of unintended rudeness during work on your cuticles. Go for the quick slam to start with, in the hope that the woman is a late starter Leo (July 23 - August 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your overly protective tendency to support the underdog is one of your most endearing qualities when it takes the form of helping out loved ones. However, when it takes the form of standing up for the under dog per se you have no idea what an annoying quality this is, particularly in sporting events. You are lucky that people who are attracted to virgoans are pretty much blinded by your chiselled jaw and sporty physique, so no worries there! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your refrigerator's thermostat will mysteriously adjust itself during a blizzard on Pluto's Eastside. This rare occurrence dooms 10% of eggs in the refrigerator, especially the dozen dinosaur eggs you've been hording. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You feel a little nervous after you were mauled by 1000 penguins with cricket bats. It serves you right for calling their Queen a slag! Avoid bananas Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Caring for someone you love is what you do best. But you really need to work on your skills involving pouring melted ice-cream down old mens pants. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Try to get someone involved in a lively game of Hangman today. Then spring the word "kwashiorkor" on them. Mutter under your breath, "Now you're playing with the big boys, my friend." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) High bursts of creativity around noontime may mean you'll have to skip lunch. Nah, on second thought, eating's probably more important. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Creative energies are high in the afternoon, so why not make some sock puppets? Be sure to use very old unwashed socks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 4:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 3, 2006 “We learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself.” Lloyd Alexander ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today will be a festive day. To celebrate, why not don a party hat and one of those tooty things that unravel themselves when you blow into them Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A great day for entreprenuerial efforts, such as inventing a new device called "outline skates." The basic concept is you put them on and roll off in a direction you don't want to. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Whilst your stars suggest a 50% better than average chance of winning the lottery this month, you have a 275% higher than average chance of being involved in a hold up in the store you buy your lottery ticket from on the 20th Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The term 'never kid a kidder' has never been more opportune this month, as Neptune crosses your segment in an arch of 65.376 degrees. Ensure all household chores are completed by the 8pm and then take extreme rest for at least 5 days. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Ensure all household chores are completed by the 8pm and then take extreme rest for at least 5 days. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You yearn to be a farmer just so that you can be out standing in your field. Libra (September 22 - October 22) The flowers in the garden of spring time glisten invitingly and you may feel the urge to strip off all your clothing before running with carefree abandon bare-footedly through the meadows. However, there are more eyes watching than even you could possibly imagine and the incident will not go un-noted especially by Jupiter and at least three of its moons. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The slang word from England 'knackered' will make itself known to you this month in an peculiar way. In England the word means tired/exhausted, but originally, in Shakespeare's time, it meant to punch very hard in the privates. This uncomfortable mental picture will come to the front of your mind the next time you buy English tea or muffins, or watch Tony Blair on television. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Take care to complete a survey which will take considerably longer than the 20 minutes estimate they gave you at the beginning. The survey will bring to your attention a new money making activity which may not be highly lucrative, but will give you some good stories for the dinner party circuit Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Taking a bit-part in a local theatre production may help you get out and start living a lie. Do you have any idea what you're letting yourself in for? Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is not your lucky day. It's tomorrow instead! So that's something to look forward to whilst your picking up your teeth with your broken arm. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, March 06, 2006 - 5:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, March 6, 2006 Only the curious will learn and only the resolute overcome the obstacles to learning. The quest quotient has always excited me more than the intelligence quotient. Eugene S. Wilson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will go out wearing a pink hat, purple shoes, green shirt and orange pedal pushers. Yikes! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Wake up, wash your face, change your pants. Life needs a good "start" routine, make this YOURS. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your toilet will come to life and eat all the cornflakes in your house. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Packing peanuts do not make good cars and are not the best replacement for your pet iguanan. Feel free to offer your kneecaps to elevators. Libra (September 22 - October 22) If you have tried, but failed, in your subtle attempts of communicating your talents to loved ones, now may be time to resort to screaming and shouting hysterically and at length. Such Drama Queendom will open doors if handled carefully during Neptune's Hibernatory Chuckle. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today, as a result of Neptune reacting with Pluto's far side, you will become much too sure of yourself on home improvement or car maintenance matters. You are in severe danger of starting out on a repair project which is doomed in a slash and burn horror movie kind of way. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) That long intended, but not quite brought to fruition, invention, which will make you a million dollars and allow you to leave that job you hate, is being looked on favorably by Mars and, more importantly, the Earth's Moon this week. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Harvey, your imaginary 6ft tall bunny rabbit friend who follows you everywhere, will get himself into a pickle today in ways too complicated to relate in this column. Suffice it to say that even imaginary bunny rabbits require food and water and a safe place to toilet themselves. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of rushing into situations overenthusiastically. For instance, often you'll see want ads that say "Make Up To $15/Hour" when the job is actually lifting heavy rocks all day. So beware. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) He who hesitates is lost, unless that hesitation is to stop and check his road map. ---------------------------------------
|
Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Monday, March 06, 2006 - 10:13 pm
I'm glad I'm not an Aries. I just couldn't accept wearing a pink hat.
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 10:21 am
LOL lance, I almost put that in for your horoscope month but i wasn't too sure which one you are(gemini i think)..
|
Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 10:23 am
Yes, I am. No hats!  
|
Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 10:28 am
LOL Nancy, can you do a hat one for Lance today? Pretty please? 
|
Hussy
Member
08-06-2004
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 10:42 am
So you are ok with the orange pedal pushers? I like the color orange too....
|
Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 11:12 am
I'm an ARIES... AND I have to go out today! Oh boy, I'm in BIG TROUBLE! 
|
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 5:52 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, March 7, 2006 Character is higher than intellect... A great soul will be strong to live, as well as to think. Ralph Waldo Emerson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your destiny will present itself to you this month in the form of a coquettish dancer wearing little more than a smile. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Bubbly baths, and all the towels you could conceivably have a use for, are set to make your bathtime leisure activities 'zing' like in no other time in your life. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today, write a children's play about breakfast cereals. Make sure that Mr. Wheat, Mrs. Rice, and Miss Corn are main characters. The evil Count Sugar should be the villain. Also, If your name is Gregg, and you Live in Washington State, You will wear a purple hat today and live to tell about it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Any joke you have to seriously think about today is not worth 'getting'. All that you are may be called into question today when someone calls you a "nancy". Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A street vendor will try to sell you a bran muffin today. Do not be alarmed by this, its not as if it was the 'great talking muffin' of lore. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Write a pop psychology book called, Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars, But Fish Are From Just South Of Hoboken, New Jersey Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A knowledge of fine wines will help you in the long run. The pretense of being successful has tired you out Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An advice/shopping program that you see on television has been badly edited with the result that you will be encouraged to buy a small diamond encrusted gold necklace which apparently has "significant investment potential". It is in fact virtually worthless. Do not part with your money unless it is cash you have set aside for a jewelry buying emergency. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Never underestimate the power of persuasion this month, especially when involved with medium sized pets
|
|
|
|