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Archive through August 09, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: Jan. 2007 ~ Mar. 2007: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits...: ARCHIVES: Archive through August 09, 2006 users admin

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Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 9:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
None of my business of course, but I would strongly advise against shared physical custody. While it has been the rage for quite a number of years now, I truly believe that it gives no children no strong sense of stability. They "visit" BOTH homes, and feel like they have no home of their own. It is truly a failed social experiment, with good intentions perhaps, but for most children it is worse than spending less time with one parent than the other. Depending on the age of the children, it can also be extremely difficult adapting to changing expectations every 3 days, since all parents parent difficulty regardless of whether they are divorced or married.

If I had it to do again, I would fight for primary physical custody with liberal visitation for the noncustodial parent (say 5 out of 12 days). Generally when you do fight, the courts will not give shared physical custody, since they figure you won't be able to get along well enough to handle the difficulties. Of course, the down side is that if you fight, you may lose primary physical custody.

That is quite different, by the way, than shared LEGAL custody. You can have equally shared decision making (legal custody) without having equally shared physical custody. Of course in practicality, the person who has more physical custody makes more decisions.

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 9:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
Yeah, too bad the courts don't order the parents to shuffle back and forth while the kids stay put. It would put a whole different perspective on things, don't you think? :-)

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 10:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Max, I actually suggested that in my case, and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Not that I'm sane, but sheesh, I was trying to help them see the nuttiness of what we expect from kids.

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 12:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
I think in this case the kids should decide.... they are 12 and 14. If they want to stay one place or another, they should have that option and if they want to split time that should be OK, too. But I also believe there needs to be some sort of permanence in it for their sake. I know my brother will allow whatever they decide....not so sure about my SIL. I'm looking for a house in their school district and I have heard she is getting a house in her parent's neighborhood (not in either of their school districts), so not sure if that will have a bearing on things.

The issues are numerous with many layers of complications. Some root from the fact that my SIL has not wanted to be a grown-up. She still consults her parents on everything and always puts their desires over those of my brother. She won't be a partner. She works fulltime, won't contribute to household expenses, and still goes into overdraft every month. She decides all things like where they go on vacation (always to the beach with her family every single year) and if she thinks she might not get her way there is a big emotional explosion (until my brother gives in, which until recently he did every single time.) There is a lot of other stuff that I can't go into...like a lot of situations it becomes a melodrama (suspected affair, etc.)....and I, who do not believe divorce is the best option in most cases when children are involved, really think it is here. They have gotten counseling for over 10 years, so it's not an overnight decision. Like I told my brother....you can't change other people and sometimes you just have to study the situation, decide whether you did everything you could and whether you see a desire in your spouse to change, and then decide what is best for your physical and emotional health in the future. I love my SIL and wish her well and as the mother of my niece and nephew I will always be as kind and respectful as possible to her...but for my brother's sake I will be happy for her to move right along! The sad thing is that I think she will come out of this far worse than he will, and it will be a shock to her.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 12:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Gosh this is tough. I'm not sure about putting it on the kids to decide. If I were them I wouldn't want to have to make that decision if I loved both my parents.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 12:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Kids are confused. They don't know what to do. They take cues from the parents.

I remember when I was adopting them. The oldest, 14, was before the judge, and the judge was asking him if he wanted to change his last name to mine. There was a long, uncomfortable silence before he responded.

If it's going to be 3 days with one parent and 3 with the other, ugh, can't the SIL find a house in the school district! What if the kids want to stay after school, join a sports team, an activity, etc? It gets so complicated.

I agree with Karuuna. On the one hand you might think you get twice as many toys, and so forth, but invariably there's something you need and it's at Mom's house, or your homework is on Dad's computer, or you miss your dog who is at Dad's house, or you like your room at Mom's house so much better!

Invariably the kids will like it better at one house than the other. But this is modern life. Get someone to help you with these difficult decisions, Yes. There's lots of stuff you and your brother probably haven't thought of.

And be ready for struggle. Hell, I always said if it was easy dealing with my ex, well, we'd still be married! I waited til the boys were out of high school before I split. Then, my daughter was a senior in high school, and was attached to my ex's hip anyway, so it was easier to make that choice.


Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 1:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Like I said before, my SIL has an unusual attachment to her family for a 45 year old woman, so she wants to live close by them. Yes, I agree that she needs to put the needs of her kids first (at younger ages I don't think it would matter as much, but in Jr High and High School, I don't think most kids should have to move) and stay in their school district. But you can't change other people and she certainly has the right to make her decisions. This is a pretty small town, and few kids that I know seem to ride the bus, so most parents drive their kids to school anyway. My sister has already said she would take my nephew to school until her son gets his license if October, and then he can take him to school. The kids both play sports, but once again the parents have to take them and pick them up from that, so it will be no different. It'll all work out. They have a lot fo family around on both sides that can help out.

I think at 12 and 14 the kids will have less of a difficult time deciding what is best for them. I would have loved it at that age (I would have stayed with my dad since my mom and I always were at odds during those teenaged years.) My brother has already told them he will never restrict their time with their mother or keep them away from her if they want to see her when it is not her day.

It is definitely confusing for kids...it is confusing for adults, and we have a bit more life experience to fall back on.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Sunday, August 06, 2006 - 6:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
It is a very difficult decision for kids to make, and sometimes they make it for frivolous reasons and then regret it. Teens should have a say, but they can be very impulsive, so they may very well be making the choice on a day when they are angry with one parent or the other.

I still think it should be one primary home, with generous visitation and flexibility, especially for kids this age. It's very difficult to be too far from your friends at that age. At the same time, if it becomes a thing where they start playing parents off each other, then some boundaries to the back and forth may need to be in place as well.

Most important you have to deal with children as individuals and while they should definitely have input, it may not always be best to leave it up to them either. Rather than saying kids are confused, I would say it's just very complicated.

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Monday, August 07, 2006 - 7:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
My ex and I had what I feel was an ideal arrangement for custody. We had 50/50, which worked for us because one thing we always agreed on was how to raise the kids and doing what was best for them. I worked at home, so I would pick them up every day after school or in the mornings on holidays and during vacation, and then my ex would pick them up at 6:00 and have them in the evenings when he was home from work, and we traded off weekends. It got easier as the boys got older and started driving themselves. We live in a small town with only one middle school and one high school. When we split up, only the youngest was in elementary school, but I would go over and spend time with him in the morning when his dad left for work, and then I would take him to school. We traded off holidays, and we swapped weekends if one of us had something come up.

It's been eight years now, and the oldest two are adults (23 and 21). They are both working, and my middle son in college to become a history teacher. My youngest is about to start his senior year in high school and is taking all honors classes, running cross country, and involved at both the school and Northern California levels of JSA (Junior Statesmen of America).

Our arrangement worked out extremely well for both parents and children because we did put the needs of the boys first (and believe me, it wasn't in their best interest for us to stay together!). I was lucky because my schedule was flexible enough that I could spend time with the boys in the afternoon and then work in the evenings to make up the time.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Monday, August 07, 2006 - 8:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Merrysea, did your husband ever date or remarry? How did your kids handle that?

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 4:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
This househunting stuff is crazy! Parts of it are fine....I was incredibly surprised at how easy it was to get pre-approved for a loan and how darn much money they would give me. No wonder so many people are in debt to such extremes. The hard thing now is waiting for the right place in the area I want. One house I love, but its list price is way over tax value and while I think the tax value may be low on it, I don't think it is that low! I hope they come down eventually, though when my dad sees the house he will probably pan it and change my mind. He is a contractor with an interest in energy-efficient homes and I am the daughter who loves older homes with charming touches. This house reminds me of my grandparent's house, so I love it. But I also will listen to every word dad says, since high utility bills are also not desirable. It's good to blend views.

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 4:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
Good luck house-hunting, Yesitsme! Patience is key. If you haven't already done so, make a list of things you'd like to have in a house, then go over it and prioritize. If you can find a house that has 80% or more of the things on the list, you're doing great!

As for values, it probably depends on where you live, but in my neck of the woods, the tax assessment value is MUCH lower than the market value on homes. Thank goodness, 'cause my neighbor just put his house (exactly like mine) on the market for $295,000 and I'd hate to pay taxes on that amount. He'll probably get very close to his asking price.

Are you working with a realtor? If not, I'd recommend finding one you like who will act as a Buyer's Agent (which means they work with your interests in mind, rather than the seller's interests). Again, depending on where you live, the good houses often sell quickly. Working with a good agent will help ensure that you find out about new houses that come on the market and meet some of your basic criteria.

It's an exciting AND scary thing to buy your first house. Have fun! :-)

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 5:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Luckily one of my best friends is a realtor and is helping me (even though she is broker-in-charge of her agency and usually doesn't sell.) I also have a lot of other friends in town who are realtors, so that part is easy. But I have had this phobia about buying a house for years. About 10 years ago I looked at houses and was so freaked out that even my college roomie, a real estate attorney who thinks everyone needs to own a house, agreed that I wasn't ready! I think I am a bit calmer now because there is more of a purpose than just me. Plus it is in my home town, which seems a bit easier since I have such great support here. Career-wise I am a bit nervous because I like to be mobile, but I will just have to work through that.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 6:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
What if you like a house, but your brother doesn't? Are you going to let his kids have a vote? Too much democracy could really slow things down...

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 6:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
I'm set for an interview next Tuesday, with a business that used to be called "Great Expectations". I don't like the name.

They're still in business. Dating service. She said that over 70% of their clientele is over 50. I find that hard to believe.

She wouldn't give me a ballpark figure for how much it cost. There was something about a video taken of each member, answering 3 questions, but is it available online??

I'm already getting cold feet...


Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 8:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Newman, cancel that appointment. That organization has a terrible track record. They learned their sales techniques from the time share business, and will charge whatever they think they can get from you; sometimes thousands of dollars.... run!

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 8:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Great Expectations, an Internet dating service, fell short of the expectations of two Manhattan women and must refund their membership fees, a Manhattan judge has ruled.

The women's transactions with Great Expectations, one of the nation's oldest and best-known dating services, are subject to New York state's Dating Services Law, Civil Court Judge Diane A. Lebedeff ruled.

Under this law, Great Expectations charged vastly beyond the legal limit for the services provided, Lebedeff concluded. The company's contract also "violated every mandate of the Dating Service Law" except one, the provision of a three-day "cooling-off" right to cancel.

http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1131370810776

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 8:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Here are some typical consumer complaints:

http://consumeraffairs.com/dating_services/great_expectations.html

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 8:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Wow ... I read some of that stuff and it sounds brutal!!!

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 8:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
eeeeeeeeeeeek!

Thanks for the info, Karuuna. Damn. Now what? What have you heard about "speed dating?" Is that concept worth a try? The woman from Great Expectations didn't think much of it when I asked her.


Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 8:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I've heard of speed dating, Newman; but know nothing about it. I just know that I got solicited by GE a few years ago, not sure how they got my info. When I called and they wouldn't talk about price I got suspicious. I said I'd think about it. The gal called several times over the next week, and about drove me nuts. When I told her I wasn't interested, she was extremely pushy and then became rude.

It was later that I did some googling and found out more about them.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 6:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Appreciate the info, K. I was drawn to GE by little signs on my way to work, which simple said "singleinAurora.com". When I called they answered the phones as Great Expectations, a group I have delivered mail from for years.

When I asked about price they dodged the answer, said they would formulate a price that would fit my needs? I didn't like that but I wanted to see what they offered because online dating has never worked for me. But I don't want to be scammed!!!!

Maybe I should just volunteer somewhere


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 6:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Maybe you should...

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 7:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
Newman, in response to your question from 8/7, my ex has dated a few women, and is currently in a relationship that I think will be the one. The boys like her, although they all found it amusing when she spent the night a couple of weeks ago and their dad tried to tell them that she just stayed over because it was "too late" to drive home! Oh, and not that it matters, but I like her too, and I hope they do end up married (although I think he will probably wait until the youngest turns 18 next August).

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 7:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Lol Merry.