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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, February 12, 2007 - 12:39 pm
But how do they feel? How are they experienced? Could shame be self imposed based on feelings of perceived guilt? Don't people feel shame when they shouldn't. Where as other seem to "have no shame" so to speak.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Monday, February 12, 2007 - 1:40 pm
Kearie - from a psychological perspective, we define them this way.... Guilt - I did something wrong Shame - I AM something wrong Guilt is associated with a particular act. Shame takes the regreted act and blows it all over the whole person - I'm a bad person, lacking worth and value, because I did this bad thing. Shame is more pervasive, all encompassing, and longer lasting. Therefore, I feel guilty, is very different qualitatively from I am so ashamed of myself.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Monday, February 12, 2007 - 1:53 pm
To answer Kearie's other question, I think that people can have both justified and unjustified feelings of guilt or shame.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, February 12, 2007 - 7:26 pm
Thanks for all your answers. I'm in one of those thinking moods. (I'm feeling fine though) Thanks... The phrases, "you ought to be ashamed of yourself" ... vs "I'm disappointed in your behavior" could really be impactful on younger children. As a society do we teach shame for certain things? Does shame have any productive use?
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Biscottiii
Member
05-29-2004
| Wednesday, February 14, 2007 - 12:27 am
Great advice from many folks! Couple of points I would like to add to the discussion re: wills/lawyers. - In the case of life insurance, it usually takes a couple or few months for the company to send the payment to a beneficiary. They are REQUIRED to pay interest on the amount for that period of time (remember in the olden days where companies would yank someone's chains for years until finally forced to pay? As a result, I believe it's federal law that says they have to pay interest for however long it takes.) SO, while the life insurance itself didn't need to be declared on my income tax, the INTEREST share is. They send a form before Jan31st, same as any other tax declaration form, 1099-INT Interest Income. - My City of Seattle retirement class (taken before I did the ol' heave ho) urged us to get all our wills filled out and taken care of BEFORE retirement, because later we wouldn't have the money (or time to bother with it while we still had some money). Oh yes! They were so right. - Best to get referrals by asking coworkers, friends, you don't know what you're getting via the yellow pages. I happen to have an honest lawyer that I've referred when asked by other people. Years ago the secretaries in my company were passing his name around amongst us for child support/bankruptcy/divorce issues. First thing I noticed walking in his door was that he had women of color working for him (YEARS before that was the norm for a caucasian lawyer). He spoke to ALL of his staff in a gentle, respectful manner. After seeing that - he's been my lawyer ever since. (I even travel to downtown Seattle for him when needed & have never been disappointed in over 20 years.) - in 2001 he charged me $350(tax incl.) for a Will Medical Directive to Physicians Durable Pwr of Attorney and gave extra tidbits of advice. In our state of Washington, they've cut out much of the crap that just promulgates lawyer fees, so a trust is not needed (esp like Calif or AZ). My executor files simple probate, which takes just a few days and then she can sell my house & get busy taking care of the rest. Should she have any problems, she can come back to him for assistance & he keeps copies of all the papers on file as well. - BIG THING HE ADVISED - was to take care of stuff at the most basic point of business. Like, change all my Life Insurance plans via each particular Life Insurance Company and not rely on the Will to handle such stuff. That speeds up the process come the time 'hit happens'. It was a pain getting change of beneficiary forms from all the places, but I don't lose any sleep over it once the 'deed was done'. (Personally, I set up a "formula" for my siblings and best friends, like 20%+20%+20%+20%+10%+10% - - and then ran my formula straight across the board. Left one acct for the nieces/nephew otherwise, so it made it more guilt-free for me so easier to get it over & done with.) It cost a bit more, but if I can insure that things flow more smoothly for my executor and my siblings/beneficiaries (appropriate for the state I reside in) then I figure it was money well spent. JMO Bisc
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Biscottiii
Member
05-29-2004
| Wednesday, February 14, 2007 - 12:56 am
Disclaimer, re: my previous statement: "In our state of Washington, they've cut out much of the crap that just promulgates lawyer fees, so a trust is not needed (esp like Calif or AZ). My executor files simple probate, which takes just a few days and then she can sell my house & get busy taking care of the rest." The main reason the trust was not needed in my situation is because I have a fairly simple estate. I'm not sure what people with a bunch of business holdings or stocks might be up against. Like he said, my main asset is my house. The other assets, such as the company 'deferred comp' and stuff was handled via the company beneficiary forms just like life insurance. Sure hope this makes sense, I'm getting confused now!
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 11:14 am
i think this is where there was a long discussion about hugging and who likes it vs. who doesn't. and, i seem to remember that DOGDOC said she didn't like hugs much. well, i'm here to tell you that she hugged me and dh twice while we were there this weekend.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 12:14 pm
Must've been a fluke...
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 5:35 pm
Do you still have all the stuff that was in your pockets? Maybe she was just frisking you before you left to see if there was stuff that shouldn't be in your pockets. Hmmmmm.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 5:48 pm
LOL i hadn't even thought about that, chili. let me go check.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 8:55 pm
Maybe she was making sure you only took what you brought with you. Hmmmmmm?
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 6:41 am
well, that could be true too, chili. LOL
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 6:47 am
Mocha is correct. You other guys are brats.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 8:16 am

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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 10:36 am
Cheryl got a hug? I'm sooo jealous.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 5:34 pm
I have the firm belief the hug coming in was to frisk you for contraband/cash and the hug going out was to frisk you for any of her stuff that was trying to escape. LOLOLOL We are talking about a non-hugger here. Why else would she do it?
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 5:43 pm
because she loves me! i am so darned lovable that everyone wants to hug me. and, dh is so darned big that everyone is scared NOT to hug him. LOL
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 6:47 pm
Ummmmm, I don't think that's it.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 7:11 pm
just wait until you meet me! you'll find me pretty irresistibly huggable too.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 7:13 pm
I am not a hugger. I would definitely be frisking. Could you bring James Tupper with you so I can frisk him too?
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