Author |
Message |
Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:15 pm
Mame, I think you should do the cruise. Sounds like fun. Loyola is pretty darn convincing. I'm like your husband though. Count me out. I'm too afraid of getting sick on a cruise. Call me cruise-phobic.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:21 pm
But Mary, is this new way better? Is it better to live alone than to be in a ho hum marriage? I see a lot of advantages. I can watch Keith Olbermann and eat dinner. But if I picked the correct mate, I could do that as well, or tape it and watch it later. I think for me the answer is that I need to force myself to go out and be more social. The times I have done this recently, in frigid Colorado, I have been happy with the results. I think people tend to get into ruts. Then they get lazy. Then they give up, stop trying, stop being social, stop interacting with people. I don't want that to happen to me. It would help if this damn snow would melt, LOL.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:24 pm
ITA, Marysafan. Maybe today's strong modern independent woman wants solitude, prefers selfishness, desires her own popcorn. Maybe today's stong, modern, independent woman is sick and tired of the male chauvanist who want to control her. The majority of men my age that I know do not help at all with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids, etc. You can call it selfish if you want but I've spent 50 years being controlled by and taking care of men and I've had enough. I'm breaking out of my rut and doing what I want, when I want and if my husband doesn't want to do it with me, he doesn't have to but I am no longer missing out on what I want because he doesn't want the same thing. That's why I fish and camp alone or with one of my sons. My husband isn't all that into it. He will go if I ask him to sometimes but then he expects me to still cook, clean and take care of him while camping. Therefore, I don't ask him to come.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:24 pm
Can you re-spark a "taken for granted" marriage? I have my doubts. I think with relationships you always want to be trying, always want to be putting out the effort. I know when I was younger, and involved, I just wanted to be able to relax. Can't I just watch a ballgame and unwind? I think my advice to my kids would be that you can never relax (or maybe I have just picked the wrong spouses all the time). If you're tired, take a short nap. Otherwise, you have to be on, involved, engaged, active, putting out energy...
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:31 pm
Chili, maybe you just attract controlling men? Every man I know helps with the cleaning, cooking, laundry, and so forth. Maybe not equally. Some men do more yard work, and some women may cook more, but I know several men who do ALL THE COOKING! Is that controlling? Chili, you do bring up a good question. What makes for a good relationship? I have a friend who is controlling. But his wife seemingly likes that. She apparently has a hard time making any kind of decision. She's also clinically depressed. I wouldn't want that sort of deal. I would want someone who was strong and independent and interesting, who liked me for me, and who I liked as well. She hasn't knocked on my door and I've been home most of today, lol. Sounds like a much better deal to go camping with your sons. Is it that we don't want to compromise anymore OR that we don't know how to communicate well? I wonder...
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Marysafan
Member
08-07-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:32 pm
Newman, I think 51% of women are saying Yes it is better. You don't have to consider someone else 24/7. I think back to a conversation I had with my daughter about a year after her divorce, when she was all alone living in a new city. She was telling me that she was feeling a bit lonely...but then added... "I can handle the loneliness. It could be worse. I could be married." For many women, the condition of being married isn't all that it's been cracked up to be. I remember Sally Field's quote about her most recent divorce. "I just got tired of cleaning up other people's messes. I just want to be able to clean up my own mess."
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:39 pm
I think it takes balance and each putting 100% into the relationship. It shouldn't be all work, it should also be enjoyable.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:43 pm
I remember Sally Field's quote about her most recent divorce. "I just got tired of cleaning up other people's messes. I just want to be able to clean up my own mess." Amen to that! Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. Katherine Hepburn This was always one of my favorites.
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 1:44 pm

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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 2:12 pm
I'm not surprised some people feel that way given their past experience or the experience of others. It's true that many people have experienced terrible relationships and marriages and are undoubtedly better off single. It's also true that many people simply prefer being single and have thoroughly enjoyable and fulfilling lives. It's also true that when a relationship, love and marriage are good, it is a wonderful experience.
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 2:15 pm
"how to re-spark a taken for granted marriage" spend 14 days in the hospital and have your gall bladder out!
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 2:34 pm
LOL, Oh landi, I just love you! Newman, need and want: Do you want to be with someone or do you need to be with someone. If you feel you NEED to be with someone, then there is a problem. If you can't be happy alone then chances are you won't be happy with someone else. If you feel there is a void that only another person can fill, then maybe the void, you might find that once you have someone else, there is still a void. When I was single, sure I wanted a mate, someone to share ups and downs, an equal partner, etc, but I didn't feel that I needed someone to make myself happy. Chances are, if I wasn't happy with just myself, finding someone and projecting that unhappiness onto them was just going to make them unhappy as well. How selfish is that. But society has ingrained in us the need to be married. Have a family, buy a house. Be Ward, Be June, have Wally and the Beav. It's just not like that anymore. I think that is why there are so many failed and ho hum marriages now days and so many single people. I think women now are not settling. They don't want ho hum they don't want to fail, and they know that society is changing and they no longer feel they have to be married to be accepted. Of course we are social, that's why we have friends, dogs, hobby groups, church groups, TVCH, etc.
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 4:16 pm
btw, the above post by myself was not a joke. truth and reality. been married for 18 years, and you kinda just get used to the other person just being there. now we treasure things a hell of a lot more. definite spark.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 4:27 pm
I know that, but it is cute. I am glad you found the spark!
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Yankee_in_ca
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 4:34 pm
The other thing on the "single" versus "married" statistics -- perhaps the "single" numbers are growing because it's more socially acceptable today to cohabitate without marriage?
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 4:57 pm
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. Katherine Hepburn I just had to post that again, because I love it so much! I say that a lot -- that my ideal mate would own a house next door. In the fence between, there'd be a gate with locks on both sides. Locks are off? Come on over! Newman asked, " Is it better to live alone than to be in a ho hum marriage? " Better for whom? For some folks, yes, it's better. For others, not so much. "Better" is a subjective term and one person's definition of it will certainly be different than another's. Things simply are what they are. It's how we assign value to them, how we react to them, how we live with (or without) them that makes the difference. If you are alone, whether by chance or choice, and decide that it works well for you (or doesn't), then it's what you do next that makes the difference. You can choose to view your situation as positive or negative and act accordingly. You can choose to accept it -- either happily or unhappily -- or you can choose to put yourself in situations where you can meet someone, with an eye towards changing your aloneness. There is no better or worse about the situation, there's only the situation. What makes it better or worse is how you view and react to it. At least that's my view. Oh, and wasn't there an old statistic about how single women live longer than married women, while married men live longer than single men? I'm not sure how old that data was, though. Just another factoid for the discussion. 
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Glenn
Member
07-05-2003
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 5:04 pm
Well yeah Max, those single men probably starved to death hoping meals on wheels or someone would show up to feed them.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 5:16 pm
LOL Glenn! They wouldn't have had much luck with me. Unless they like frozen Lean Cuisine and toast. LOL
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Chiliwilli
Member
09-04-2006
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 6:01 pm
Newman asked, " Is it better to live alone than to be in a ho hum marriage? " For men probably not but for women absolutely. Max, my side of the gate would be locked a lot. Or at least until I needed my oil changed.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 7:47 pm
You'd think Sally Fields could afford a maid and wouldn't have to clean up anything. Maybe Katherine Hepburn was right. Especially at "our age", maybe men and women don't belong together. If the sexual fires aren't burning so hot anymore, well, what's the point, ey? It's always good to hear a Jimmer post, to remind me that not all marriages are bad. It's important to remember that. You could pay Grease Monkey for an oil change, Chili. Escapee, I thought it was YOU who brought up the NEED vs WANT difference in the first place. A lot of love songs sing about needing you. I never understood that. My idea of love is wanting to be with that person, not needing to be with her. I thought the stat was the same. Maybe worth a google. I thought married people lived longer, regardless of gender. I think that makes sense. If you fall down in the bathtub and break your leg, and live alone, well, you might be toast regardless of male or female. Now whether those last ten years are worth it, unless you're Jimmer...I mean do you really stay married to someone, if the spark is gone, just so in case you fall down there'd be someone to call 911? That sounds rather bleak and sad to me.
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Yankee_in_ca
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 8:03 pm
I've said it before. I am in a great marriage. However, and this may sound shocking to some -- my husband and I would most likely not have gotten married if we weren't residents of different countries. For us, getting married made residency issues easier and allowed us to insure we'd be able to be together on our own terms. It's not that I don't believe we would still be right where we are today -- together -- if we hadn't gotten married. On the contrary, as people who are not religious and do not plan to have children together, we didn't feel a big need to become married. So we did it for practical reasons. Doesn't mean we love or loved each other any less. (And I'm certainly not disrespecting marriage -- I'm only saying what works for ME and HIM. We were both married and divorced before, and we're quite practical about it now.) Oh, and yes, he does a lot of the cleaning and all of the laundry LOL -- and I still don't NEED him. I want to be with him. But you know what? If we hadn't gotten married but were still together today, 10 years on, living exactly as we are right now -- I'd be cited in that study as one of those single female "statistics." As others have more eloquently said, whether or not people are lonely is all in how any given individual feels about their individual situation. Being by yourself doesn't have to be "lonely," yet I certainly agree that for some it is. The point is that everyone's definition of being lonely or what's acceptable or what is not is different. And I think that's OK. Statistics don't necessarily have to point to the same conclusions for all. You're not wrong for wanting to be in a relationship and feeling lonely if you're not. But perhaps others are just as "right" in feeling THRILLED to do things by themselves, and comfortable with being alone. Embrace the greys!
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 8:51 pm
quote:Well yeah Max, those single men probably starved to death hoping meals on wheels or someone would show up to feed them.
I have already told Bigdog (the cook in the family) that if he goes before I do, I am moving next door to a Whole Foods store and will be purchasing all of my meals at their hot prepared foods deli.
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Glenn
Member
07-05-2003
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 9:18 pm
Juju, of course you can still remember how six years ago a lot of us thought you were a guy before you came out of the closet. I think it helps explain why Bigdog is the cook in the family.
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 9:41 pm
Those numbers undoubtedly include some women in committed relationships who would get married if they were allowed to do so.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 11:15 pm
Love the TRUTH in this convo AND in the CH as a whole. People just put it out there in what seems to be utter, no holds barred, nothing to lose, honesty. While many may SAY they're as blunt in real life, I doubt most of us are. Reason # 674 why I love this place!
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