Author |
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, April 19, 2006 - 3:48 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, April 19, 2006 Kahlil Gilbran The appearance of things change according to the emotions and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty are really in ourselves. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The way in which birds suddenly appear everytime you are near is not magical. You are made entirely of seed. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) BLUE underwear, pink t-shirts, and orange plaid shorts are lucky for you today, but only if all worn at the same time and every one can see all of these items. Unless, you name is Greg, then a plaid beret is the only thing that is lucky for you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Go to one of those fast-food restaurants with free drink refills. Fill an inner tube with Coke. If anyone stops you, say, "You didn't say I had to refill anything in particular!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) The world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arms, dogs will quite their yappin' after midnight. All will be right with the world because you will have found your true love - and it will be yourself. You are the best you could ever hope for. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend, or a cat's best friend. Dogs are totally flexible. Music is likely to help you through today, so try to listen to as much as possible Libra (September 22 - October 22) Find a friend with a nicer place than yours, and hang around all day. Then claim it's really your property, and see if you can get the police to remove him. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Peterborough will feature high on the agenda tomorrow, although the reason for this may not become immediately apparent. In fact, Peterborough may not appear to feature at all. However, it does. It has been seen. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Love moves in mysterious ways, mostly of them diagonal. Oh that wacky crazy love - no curvy lines for *it*, no sirree! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A terrific thought will enter your brain at around lunchtime in the next couple of days. During that period you'll be unable to suppress the giddy feeling that you're soon going to be emotionally elevated to heights you've never before dreamed of being able to reach. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend, or a cat's best friend. Dogs are totally flexible. Music is likely to help you through today, so try to listen to as much as possible Pisces (February 19 - March 20) WHEN you steal copyrighted material, make sure you do it in a comical fashion. That way you can claim "fair use" and hold up court proceedings...at least until they find you guilty of stealing copyrighted material. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, April 26, 2006 - 2:40 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, April 26, 2006 “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. However, this will not be a metaphorical sign of anything greater. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) I am always pretending to be a cat - make sure you have a special "getaway" persona that you can adopt at any given moment. It is tantalising to think that you may be the favourite person in your area. However, fame always leads to the embarrassing disclosure of old XXX tapes of you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You're as transparent as a blast of canned air - try to be more complex by wearing hats that are clearly too small for your head. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Magi cannot be expected to turn up at your convenience. However, they will usually leave a calling card asking you to re-arrange a visit. You are easily replaced - don't take your boots off. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Reading through a dictionary is the least effective way to learn more about the world. Get out there! You like sealife but you hate the sea. Your mum and dad grew up in a small village where you met an elderly couple who later died. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Flashing lights and fireworks are a sign of good hope for you today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Monsters plague your every move and will soon be there to eat your flesh. Grey is definitely the colour of the week for you - although next week's special colours will be an interesting mixture of black, blue and deep, deep red. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You may start to question evolution today, and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, April 28, 2006 - 4:15 pm
Just an fyi, I haven't abandoned this thread but right now I have had so much work on my plate that i've had literally zip time to myself--it should calm down now(hope!)
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 7:57 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, April 29, 2006 The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809 - 1892) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aries (March 21 - April 19) Avoid rubber duckies! They are the root of all evil and should you come into contact with one, be sure to remove your hair with a spoon and dance non-stop for 20 minutes like Beyonce. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your irrelevance becomes clear today and you will feel a new sense of freedom. Feeling locked up when you're in an open park is a sure sign that you're slightly claustrophobic. This horoscope was brought to you in association with the bloody obvious. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You would love to become a wandering mass of plankton so you can shop for shoes a little more easier. Goats are better off not knowing this. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are obsessed with sand and would love to own a sandcastle made from cheese. However you must beware of being robbed by trolls and mice if you intend to scream. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You love to grow pine trees on your toenails and sell them to tap dancing goats. But in all honesty you must remain silent when speaking. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You must beg and plead to your neighbours and ask for forgiveness after you fed their dog it with golden grahams and dyed its tail purple. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Yesterday you morphed into a cuttlefish and ate everybodys collection of vinyl records. Today you will color your hair chartreuse, wear orang peddle pushers and a pink halter top.(even if your male!) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You love attaching lights to your eyelashes and pretending you are an alien, but the truth is your pet goat has no brains. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Dont complain if you are feeling a little down just because your best friend keeps regurgitating you balls of cotton wool through your letterbox Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember - it is better to submerge your chin in lemon juice then to spit on a camel and force it to give off radiation. -------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 5:52 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 1, 2006 Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) USE flags to communicate for the rest of the day!. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) IF there's a spanner in the works, look for the emergency stop button before trying to remedy this problem. Remember, saving seals, whales and dolphins from getting 'beached' is a decent way to spend your time. Watch out for a trap. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) THINGS to avoid today: Emailing the Queen. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Next time you look under your shoe, take notice of the pattern. It may well reflect your life. When you talk to strangers today, it doesn't matter if they're wearing sandals. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Start a new "-ology" today, like "ansenorthropology." Proclaim yourself all-knowing master of it. Refuse to share your knowledge. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you and your mate will have a fight. To get revenge, buy a high-powered flashlight lantern and shine it right on his face while he's asleep. Shout unintelligable things in Spanish. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Make lots of checklists today. Fill them up with insignificant tasks, like "scratch head." And "remember to breathe." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Spank yourself silly today because you're been VERY VERY bad. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Spend the day talking in a deep, low voice like Barry White. Call everyone "love thang" and "sugar bottom." . Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Call up your nearest Pier One store and ask them if they sell wicker TV sets, wicker computers, or wicker toilet seats. If the salesperson is rude to you, call her "Wicker Witch of the West" and hang up. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Heyltslori
Moderator
09-15-2001
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 6:27 am
LOL those are really funny today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 6:51 am
lol yes they are--although since i Am a virgo i'm ascared of the iguana situation 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 3:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 4, 2006 The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for. Dan Millman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked in a cupboard with a close friend who likes their beans. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to sweetcorn. Every part of your body will cry out in pain today, although there is no explanation as to why this should be. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today might be a good day to walk around with your arms stretched forwards in a "mummy" style. Looking into your future is like looking into a blocked pipe on a waste disposal machine. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Whether you want to or not, this week will have a journey in store for you. Opportunity is waiting round every corner. All you've got to do is catch up with him, put him in a big box and beat him with big sticks. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Bowie is like you are: gentile, robust, always ready to pop back in the charts by providing backing vocals to pretty much any old schmuck. The similarities between you and Bowie are pretty much endless. Google is about to take over your life - play responsibly. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your Uncle is now called Mary. Deal with it, and learn to accept him for the powerful feminist force that he is. Give him acorns too. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The planet Mercury may cause you to roll around the floor and squeak like a mouse for 20 minutes every morning. This is normal so long as you keep listening to Bon Jovi. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You crave for a lifetimes supply of exploding bananas but you underestimate the intolerance caused by stuffing brillo pads between your toes. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your chin stinks of fish, but your ultra bright eyelashes will bring you lots of good luck and a years supply of cough medicine and cheese
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 08, 2006 - 3:11 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 8, 2006 You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are. J. Jacques, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you must avoid the police at all costs. Particularly if you recently hijacked a plane. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Invent a new cologne today called "Jump Me." Market it to college students. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Four words: pink flamingo lawn ornaments. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If some things start to appear impossible, it may be time to invent robots. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Any deliveries you receive may turn out to be blessings in disguise this week. Watch out for incorrect addresses. To make yourself feel beautiful, hug a tree, kiss a baby, read a classic, and then take a long train journey. After that, you'll still be an ugly bugger, but you'll be so tired you won't even care. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If you want to ride your bicycle, then by all means do it. But I refuse to be held responsible for any consequences. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Prepare yourself because your life is set for the biggest change you've seen in a long time. Your love life is ready to flourish, and all because you bought that wonderful hat the other day. You did buy it didn't you? Oh, tell me you bought the hat! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You want a long life, but you cannot expect to live more then 1000 years if you keep thinking about giraffes playing polka on the accordion. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) During the week things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering "Have you had a haircut?" "Facelift?" "Liposuction?". The truth will be much simpler and more exciting than they could possibly understand --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, May 9, 2006 If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. The Dalai Lama (1935 - ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) REMEMBER today: The office supplies cupboard cannot be photocopied. You should buy some new electronics. Someone close to you will make you feel all gooey Taurus (April 20 - May 20) BY choosing the path you have chosen, you have wound up dead in an alley. Please try again. If no-one cares about your problems, share your problems by repetition. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) IF someone gets your goat today, steal their prize cow. The danger of showing your true feelings may become apparent today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) YESTERDAY'S dreams were based in reality and yet still didn't come to fruition. There's a lesson there, methinks. Time travel is unlikely to be cracked within the next century, so don't avoid doing anything that you want to do. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Tonight's sleep will be restful and dreamy. Except for the aliens that will be at your bedside, waiting to perform hideous experiments on your kidneys Libra (September 22 - October 22) TODAY is a good day for all elephant salesmen. People tell you it's your attitude that's the problem, but it's actually your lack of pants Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Be nice to farm animals today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) . A report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over the coming week. This report will tell you everything you need to know about the feelings of another and will help you understand how to begin living the rest of your life. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Parrots can be annoying as well as beautifully coloured. Rawwr! Parrots can be annoying as well as beautifully coloured. Rawwr! Rawwr! Parrots can be annoying as well as beautifully coloured. Rawwr! This week will go well, except for the bits that don't. And not only will those bits go badly, but they'll go BADLY. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Be playful at heart and you'll reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. The older you get the more you're starting to realise that everyone else is an idiot. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Let sleeping dogs lie. They never tell the truth anyway. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 5:47 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 11, 2006 Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. W.W. Ziege -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today the moon is in Aries. Whenever this happens, everyone else is tempted to tell someone to take a hike. However, you are Numero Uno today. With Mercury retrograde on the scene, you might be telling someone to take a hike. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds appear every time someone near to you appears. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your idea of wearing a pink tutu as an earring was a good sign that you are thinking clearly now. Keep building tree houses for giraffes. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) When the fish wander home cooking gently, who'll be there to open the froth? The government will not allow you to do what you want. Release your anger safely, write a story for TheSpoof. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Many of you have opportunities to make money by contacting previous jobs or old contacts that fizzled out. Be ready to reactivate any idea that appeals to you now. It just might fly. People will notice you briefly for some reason today. (Zipper closed?) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A flying cat will give you enough motivation to spray the word "pillock" on the side of every sheep in the world. Libra (September 22 - October 22) There is a lot of anger in your brain. Douse it with cool, flavoursome beer. If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will soon win a lifelong supply of turnips, which you must put to good use such as feeding them to everyone who has seen The Ring. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Gordon is the name of the gnome who comes out at night and puts yoghurt in your shoes. Use your egg-beater on him. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You crave onions but you admire tadpoles. The secret to everlasting happiness lies within a small fragment of goat hair stolen from a leprechaun. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Be careful on your next trip shopping. There are evil pixies hiding inside the changing rooms who will throw half-eaten dog biscuits and bobby sox at you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 12:34 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 15, 2006 When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is any thing you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. Edgar Watson Howe (1853 - 1937) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is not your lucky day. It's tomorrow instead! So that's something to look forward to whilst your picking up your teeth with your broken arm. Dave is not a name you want to associate with today. Dave may be the devil's spawn. It's hard to tell. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're put through the mill and emerge victorious. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Pretending to pick fleas off a new member of staff may seem appealing, but the gag may be on you if you actually find some. Oil and water are to you what Fish and Gin are to a drunken fisherman. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You might find yourself on the wrong end of a stick of wood today. Are you loveable? Take time out today to contemplate that thought and try to make sure that you are very loveable. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You feel you have taken the right steps towards growing horns on your elbows. Careful where you draw a smiley face - it may come to life and steal all your bananas. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Happiness is only moments away. Very soon many seahorses and moths will be drinking to your good health and telling jokes about seaweed. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Consider cleaning out your ear canal with a squid if you feel the urge to shower with an antelope wearing a cowboy hat. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A man with a glowing beard admires you for your courage when you had a fight with that prostitute, over a hairy bicycle. Be proud! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Sticky notes are dangerous and will cause you to say the word "wibble" and implode. You should swear at post-it notes as much as possible. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of Donald Duck throwing walnuts at your Dad! He has long fingers and wears a blue shirt made of jelly. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, May 16, 2006 - 2:30 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, May 16, 2006 Do not trust all men, but trust men of worth; the former course is silly, the latter a mark of prudence. Democritus (460 BC - 370 BC) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aries (March 21 - April 19) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The future holds great things for you. It's just that whenever you get close, the future snatches them behind its back and shouts "Na-na-na-nana" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) When's the last time you did something nice for Gregg? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Even in the darkest places you can find yourself - although you may break your nose on a door. The food of love is music, only if it's Phil Collins and he's feeding you some kind of grapes whilst offering many of his nieces to you. Looking for a saviour is a commendable past-time. However, ignoring your personal hygiene is a forfeit that you really shouldn't have made. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your future may well rely on the kindness of others and your ability to fight your way to the front of a queue. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains or becomes slightly colder than usual. Or if you happen to be caught out whilst parading naked around your local shopping centre. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Why not grin like a Cheshire cat? But don't talk like him - that'll just alienate yourself from everyone who could love you. And who wouldn't love you? Huh? Who? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The number I am thinking of is 12. This is not the number you are thinking of, especially if you are not thinking of a number. Many of the people you admire are going to have incredible fortune this week. It turns out that the anti-stalking court orders they've filed against you are completed Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your mother is proud of you. Tantric is not a cuss-word you want to use around the office. It's not even a cuss-word. It is, however, said to be very exhausting. "Saucy!" should not be used as a synonym for sweaty Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Doctors may be stunned by a random discovery they make whilst examining you. Jamborees often spell the end of the tight-rope that you often climb when in need of comfort from certain danger ---------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 7:22 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 18, 2006 "Experience is always worthwhile: if it doesn't keep you from making the same mistake twice, at least it keeps you from admitting it twice ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Shy away from danger today. Unless danger is wearing nice cologne. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Today is a great day! It's happiness and bliss all day, except for a huge, nasty paper cut that hospitalizes you for a week. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Collect all the manhole covers you can find and drive them to the police station. Angrily state, "These were all just sitting in the middle of the street!" Evade arrest. Leo (July 23 - August 22) An 18 wheel truck will park in your driveway and 20 monkeys will jump out of it, run into your home and poop on the carpet Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Purple clouds are not usual, nor is red rain. You really must stop pretending that the pictures your niece draws are real. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) PUT all those eggs in that single basket. Then put those huge plastic bubbles all around it like those on that Mars lander. That'll do it!. The rest of the world is correct. You are wrong. Happy now?. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Everywhere you go you seem to run into trouble - try not to mess up your life by falling into any kind of trap. When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as you'll need it sometime around 4pm Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Chocolate desserts are your friend today. Today might surprise you by quickly changing the colour of the clouds perhaps for up to 10 seconds. All that you are may be called into question today when someone calls you a "nancy". Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You must try juggling live ostriches. You will find it very easy to do, and people from all round the world will send you letters of thanks --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 19, 2006 - 2:43 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 19, 2006 I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. Martha Washington (1732 - 1802) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Drilling, marching up and down, all that soldier-like stuff is how you are feeling today: intensely creative in a straight jacketed way Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Due to upcoming national holidays, religious celebrations, personal vacation days, and the approaching weekend, you will be forced to share your office birthday party with roughly 17 different co-workers today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A disastrous pattern error will result this week in a fashionable dress you are finally able to fit into. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Sweet, sticky, orange stuff. Possibly marmalade or an orange lolly. We're not quite sure what it is, or what it has to do with you today...but it definitely features. If you don't like orange - don't panic! It might taste like something completely different, like sausages. Or beans. Yes, it could be beans. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Being mysterious does not mean giving vague, coy answers to questions posed by potential suitors. Nor does it mean reading Mary Higgins Clark on the subway. Nor does it mean wearing a cape Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) News will come from a former colleague that for years you have both been in love with each other. This will be a surprise for you because you've always thought your colleague was a smelly baboon. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you came to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Things are going your way today. Your love life is improving, your income is soaring, and they give you free refills on all your drinks at Taco Bell. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re a super hero. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Life has been hectic lately, so try to relax a little. Your coworkers have been getting to you and work is mounting up, but if you can relieve your stress, you’ll be fine. I’d recommend you take a hot bath, go for a walk, or kill your coworkers. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 22, 2006 - 2:11 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 22, 2006 The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. William James -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Be warned the some lazy-boy reclining chairs can become dangerous if soaked in lime juice. Shallow puddles may deceive you today. Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after losing a "wacky race". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to get out that favourite clothing and tart yourself up till you smell like...well, a bottle of nice smells. Oh yes, the time is upon you and you will succeed Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude. However, please be aware that semi-nude does not necessarily mean just clothed top-halves. I would estimate that at least 50% of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You can easily prove that lactose is not the main ingredient in shamrocks, but your skill with turnips wont get you date with a rubber chicken. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You skeleton is made from pretzels. Dont feed yourself to a dog and dont offer peanuts to a fried elephant Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will grow 10 inch long hairs which can be formed into figure eights if you make an effort. Your laziness makes up for your blue eyeball. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A certain percentage of you wishes to detach itself and run around the streets playing the tuba. The rest of you has declared war on bananas. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You feel strong enough to finally break the world record for stuffing the highest number of jellyfish into a walnut shell. Go for it! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 3:31 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, May 23, 2006 The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but significance - and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) These days, ou're like a jeweler who doesn't own any jewelry; you're like a TV repair person who never watches TV. The state you're in reminds me of an expert gardener watering the tomato plants when it's raining. You have the aura of a mother without any children or a general whose army is hiding from him. I'm not saying that any of this is a bad thing. It's actually pretty enigmatic and interesting. And for all I know, there may be some method in your madness. Perhaps you're daring fate to give you what you don't know you need. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) I believe that your current ailments, both physical and psychological, are exactly the kind that are most responsive to placebo cures. So load up! M&M's are effective, I've found, as are Pez candy and the little white pills contained in toy doctors' kits. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Despite all of your best efforts, commas, semi colons and dashes will appear haphazardly in any copy you produce. Accept this limitation until after sun sets nightly before the 24th , or only use e-mail for the whole month Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Deft swift strokes of the hand when writing may be the turn-on that a work-chum needs to show their true feelings for you. However, that love may vanish when they realise that the letter is a final written warning and a suggestion that they clear out their desks before security arrive. Leo (July 23 - August 22) The merry dance that you've been led on during the last few months is finally going to come to an end. Sure, you'll be dizzy but finding out what's being going on and why a certain someone has been treating you the way they have, will suddenly become clear. And clarity's good, right? Even if you're dizzy, clarity's good. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Any long-lasting thoughts about colours will fade later today. Just as small peppers are supposed to be the hottest, there may be a small person who's ready to heat up your life. Watch out for the seeds though - they can cause problems. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Many things that people say over the coming days will appear nonsensical, but may start to make sense towards the end of the week. The life of a party you most certainly aren't this weekend. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Apocalyptic dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're crazy. This horoscope is brought to you in association with your upcoming incredibly bad luck Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) "Love in spoonfuls" - a great way to sign off a flirty email, but not a particularly practical way to dole out your feelings. Many people find a spoon a tricky instrument to use during love-making. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The size of your shoes indicates that you are unlikely to fall over in a mild earthquake. Dressing as a feline may give others cause for concern today. Things are going to come to a head today and either go well, go badly, or go...kinda...OK. -
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 2:30 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 24, 2006 "Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health, and is as friendly to the mind as to the body." Addison -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's marvellous. No, really, it is absolutely marvellous. You'll see. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Terrible things will happen to someone you hate today. You may feel joyous. The number of times you walk into a door will today cause you to seek out new ways of thinking. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you. You may develop a sudden interest in the backs of things today. What happened yesterday was beyond your control. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Open yourself to the possibilities of creating your very own walking sack of raisins. They will bring you positive karma and good luck. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Don't be a player hater. No, we don't know what that means either. You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear Libra (September 22 - October 22) You fear lightbulbs because you believe they will reduce the amount of atoms in your eyeball. Steer clear of things which make clicking noises Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Fun times lie ahead but be wary of those who offer you fun via emails. You may find that some messages you see today will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your future may depend upon you growing 14 tentacles from your head and naming them all Jim. Consider asking a blob of lard for directions. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Discard all your used teabags by giving them to gnomes dressed as spiderman. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You have spent a long time learning how to disguise an ironing board as a stick insect. This will not come in handy unless a friend gives you a squid. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, May 28, 2006 - 7:25 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, May 28, 2006 Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away. Dag Hammarskjold (1905 - 1961) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The trip abroad you had promised yourself will have to go onto the back-burner as you try to resolve how your lover managed to spend $3,500 shopping on the internet. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The odds on you surviving the day with your sanity intact are low. Art is always something you've admired from a distance, but today you may choose to embrace your pinker side. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your aim to drink 10-15 litres of water today may come crashing down on you when you're stuck in traffic later today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to new neighbours. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Jam a banana up your nostril and kiwi fruit in your ear. Approach all your dates with a war cry. They will soon get the message and propose marriage to you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Only with your amazing skills were you able to find this horoscope, and for that you will be rewarded with only good news. You may never find what you're looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone you meet this week will lead you into new territory when it comes to letting go of your inhibitions letting the adventurous side of you unfold. Relax and enjoy the ride . Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A friend will come by later on and remove your nose with a spatula. There are many unanswered questions about mice. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Although you would love to fire an octopus from a glue gun, you should consider the temperature of most deserts Pisces (February 19 - March 20) By questioning turnips you leave yourself vunerable to flying chimps. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 2:39 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 31, 2006 It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow. Robert H. Goddard (1882 - 1945) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You may be left to pick up the pieces of someone else's failures today. I've written hundreds upon hundreds of horoscopes, but this one is the most special. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts with ice-cream and bacon bits may revive them, to an extent. Horrible smells and green patches on your body may make your day turn sour. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Every part of your body will cry out in pain today, although there is no explanation as to why this should be. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) All your friends have burnt their pants as a symbol of freedom. That doesn't mean you get on a helicopter and throw rancid oranges at the world. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You feel the price of cinnamon is on the increase. Without limbs you will only fail at knitting potatoes into a cardigan Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Do not expect trolls to microwave your barrette. Ask, and you will receive unlimited shower radios, and door handles. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your new hat is made from robust fabrics but jealousy will arise between close friends. Avoid breaking wind into a bag or oregano --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 01, 2006 - 3:57 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 1, 2006 What helps luck is a habit of watching for opportunities, of having a patient, but restless mind, of sacrificing one's ease or vanity, of uniting a love of detail to foresight, and of passing through hard times bravely and cheerfully. Charles Victor Cherbuliez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Ten weeks of doing what you do best, and you're still no closer to achieving your goal. In time you will come to realise the futility of trying to scratch your name in your refridgerator using a rubber band. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Pah! Happiness? The Gods know not of this word and you will pay for your insubordination. Whether you want to or not, this week will have a journey in store for you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) YOUR "LUCKY" COLOR OF THE DAY: VANILLA Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Pretend like you're Jerry Lewis today and stage a series of pratfalls for your co-workers' amusement. For your finale, hold an all-night telethon. Refuse to break character until the telethon is over. Libra (September 22 - October 22) It's normal to have mixed feelings about a real estate transaction. But my uncle bought some of that swampland in Florida, and it's good stuff Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A great night to catch fireflies. Then bake them into hearty Firefly Muffins. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bring extra. You'll need it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) To Cindy Jones in Memphis, Tennessee: the TV show "Friends" is not as funny as you make it out to be. It's mildly amusing, but you're annoying everyone with your incessant laughter.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 06, 2006 - 6:26 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, June 6, 2006 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) DON'T be alarmed by the shortage of milk and bread in your area. You can't help yourself around ice-cream, today. When your updates are finally installed successfully, don't worry about re-starting your computer. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A hairy back may trouble you this week, especially if it's not your hairy back that's in question. Everything you say today will be like a very beautiful flower, spreading its seed amongst cactii. The stars indicate that walking under ladders is a bad idea for you this month. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Cheating is going to occur within the next day, although it is unsure who is at fault. It could, actually, just be in a game of cards or monopoly. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Cactus shaped gherkins can help when it comes to smooching with rabbits. Be on your toes for love may be around the corner. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) All the best plans go awry, so please make sure you're ready for any surprises. Libra (September 22 - October 22) It's time to get out that favourite clothing and tart yourself up till you smell like...well, a bottle of nice smells. Oh yes, the time is upon you and you will succeed. You may wonder later today why the love-starved don't have a charity where the wealthy-in-love collect money and them send sexy presents. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Friends have always tried to convince you of your madness, but never more so will that be true than this coming weekend. Correlating facts is an awesome responsibility. Are you sure you're up to it? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Hexes may impair your vision today if you attempt to cross an invisible boundary. There are lots of ideas screaming to be let out of your head. Let them free, and they'll scream in other people's heads too! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Be on your best behavior as an ostrich may come by and give you a bag of beans. This is a gesture of love, so be prepared. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You have nothing to fear so long as your favourite front tooth is healthy. You have outgrown your ability to attract randy pixies.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 2:54 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, June 7, 2006 "Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood." Ralph Waldo Emerson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Why not grin like a Cheshire cat? But don't talk like him - that'll just alienate yourself from everyone Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your choice of reading material is starting to swerve dangerously into the "blue" section. You might find you start aching below the knee, today Leo (July 23 - August 22) The planet Pluto is aligned in such a way that you will soon be visited by a hippo called Isaac who will constantly talk about moles. Humor him and don't set fire to his underpants Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The name "Jude" will have some significance today and may be the very thing you've been yearning for. Your favourite romantic film is on this evening and you should try and persuade someone you've not previously had the courage to talk to to watch it too. Then, mid-way through the movie, phone that person. You'll be amazed at the results Libra (September 22 - October 22) Collect all the cardboard boxes you can find today. Take them home and eat them. Then proudly proclaim, "They're right! Frozen pizzas really do taste like cardboard Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Chimpanzees have no business drilling holes in your sink and causing leaks. Trust nobody except for your own squids. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your spleen attracts gravity but your pet frog has issues with growing a cactus in your home. Slow worms will no longer be slow. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Creativity is the glue that holds your eyeballs together. Consider stepping on newly mowed lawns and dancing around like fairy, if you have nothing better to do. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. Aries (March 21 - April 19) Walking to work in a clown costume can help you in your search for humility. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) When asked if you're OK today, you may feel tempted to respond with physical violence. Tomorrow, when you consider how it could have been, today is going to seem pretty darned swell. --------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 09, 2006 - 2:55 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 9, 2006 Robert Green Ingersoll: It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. This horoscope was sponsored by Toast. You are a beautiful creature - don't let any one tell you otherwise. All your long-term plans will come into fruition this month. Beware of speeding busses. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Significant other, or S.O., is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "that thing I know" or "unstranger". Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Your favourite phrase today will be "I'll do it!" and "Wow, I've never seen...well, anything like... Wow!" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Dancing around like a fairy is a great way to lose weight and strengthen those legs. Be sure to include those gossimer wings! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is similarly likely that you will fall flat on your arse trying to achieve it Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks like your nose. Raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old man who runs the hairdressers down the road, is not. Everything you have done is brilliant and you will get the reward you richly deserve. Libra (September 22 - October 22) The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things over the coming week. Like, how lazy was that hare, eh? Jeez, I mean, that bunny should've whupped that table ornament. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Feeling good must become a part of your daily routine. Instead of eating frozen mice, why not try covering your entire head with vaseline? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your left foot is stuck in a puddle of glue which you created from matchsticks and chimp drool. Focus your efforts on enlarging your left eyeball Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You face new challenges. Grab the nearest pair of bloomers and wrap them around your head, so people call you "Mucky Mary". Alternate your sense of smell. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Do not sever your own hand with your teeth and throw it at someone called Graham. Ice sculptures can come to life if you believe in fairies. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Control your anger - do not growl at your Uncle. He may inherit a large fortune and will refuse to buy you shoes made of marzipan --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, June 12, 2006 - 3:41 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, June 12, 2006 "I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are." Milton Berle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution. Three is the magic number because some people have a magic superfluous eye which can change the colour of the sky. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The trip abroad you had promised yourself will have to go onto the back-burner as you try to resolve how your lover managed to spend $3,500 shopping on the internet. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your love life is ready to flourish, and all because you bought that wonderful hat the other day. You did buy it didn't you? Oh, tell me you bought the hat! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week. Good fortune is raining down on everyone but yourself today. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You're incredible. Your favourite place may change today as you have new reason for utter joy. Show a loved one you care. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You may suddenly turn into a blow-up doll and be badgered by 1000 horny old giraffes called Graham and Icabod. Do not paint your nose green Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Why not buy a horn and show it to everyone wearing a blue hat. Your popularity may grow and your eyeball may turn into a Japanese Fighting Crab. You have a long time to wait for jelly. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You appear to have a lot going on in your life, but just relax and take it easy. Why not dress up as a squid and stick on an old 70's disco track whilst dancing like Mr Bean Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find yourself digging for gold inside a pit filled with hairy toenails. You should be especially kind to your friends and give them a dozen plasticine bananas to hang on their walls. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A bag of frozen split peas will fall from the sky and land on your head. This is a sign from Pluto that you should take up sword fighting with breadsticks against all girls called Jim.
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