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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, December 08, 2006 - 5:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, December 8, 2006 When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. Bernard Bailey ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Call your boss "Boo Boo" all day. When he complains, say, "Okay! Geez, Farniwench! You're so sensitive!" Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of orange tabby cats. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Spend the entire day at work sharpening pencils. If your boss asks you what you're doing, raise your index finger and proclaim, "The company begins with office supplies!" I bet you'll get a promotion. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your appetites may increase today as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation. Just because people laugh at you doesn't make you a comedian Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your bed is made, lie in it. Fall asleep for a while. Spoon the pillows. Yes, that's it. Relax. Watch out for overweight dogs when it's raining Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It all used to be so much easier, but with age you're finding certain things much more difficult. Your ideals are starting to shape the way you're living, so congratulations Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Bad things are afoot. I mean, can't you smell it? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, December 08, 2006 - 5:31 pm
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. Bernard Bailey This person knows humans
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, December 13, 2006 - 5:42 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 13, 2006 "If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." Albert Einstein -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Alf. If you don't wear glasses now, the chances are that you're going to need to after an upcoming sports accident. There are lots of ideas screaming to be let out of your head. Let them free, and they'll scream in other people's heads too! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Catch-22 is better in at least 2 ways than Catch-20. Don't be caught in the Catch-20 loop - you're unlikely to ever see your family again Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and a lot of theft. Don't be embarrassed by your actions today, embrace your flamboyant side Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Nutrition will play a major part of your life for the next week. Test yourself today, let go of your fears and grasp the nettle with both hands. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Act daft today, help people close to you smile, and feel the healing power of laughter. When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, if today's "life's problem" is that you stepped in lots of mud, please try not to kick so wildly. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Demons and gypsies may break into your house to steal your Justin Timberlake blow up dolls! Cover your home with saffron and gooseberries to protect its sanctity. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Arts and crafts can be extremely beneficial for your collagen levels this week. Try something like building yourself a new mother-in-law from post-it notes. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Paris Hilton will "pop round" today for a chat and a biscuit, either in spirit or in person. Incidentally, a small chihuahua will weedle itself into your garden and p00p all over your favourite plants. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Sew an evening dress from “Brillo Pads” and offer it to your best friend. They will thank you for it and give you a peanut for your efforts. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) For breakfast try something a little different. Instead of eating baked potatoes and cherries, try something a little more extravagant like waring your shirt inside out and running around the place backwards at 100mph while screaming Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Relax. Take a knife and a radish and carve yourself a new radio set. Listen to some tunes and swing your hips to MC Hammer and Christina Aguilera. }}}
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, December 16, 2006 - 2:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, December 16, 2006 "Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." -- Anon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Peaches and cream are a cheap and enjoyable dessert menu for any supper guests. Someone called Dave will contact you in the next couple of days Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Life throws us all crazy things now and then. Like swords made of ham. And dogs on skateboards. Ensure your blood stays within your system today by not venturing further than your refridgerator. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A film will set you straight about a number of things today and will also serve to kill between one and a half and two and a half hours of the day. Probably. Sorry, it's a slow day for you, there's nothing much I can say that will make it any more interesting. The older you get the more you're starting to realise that everyone else is an idiot. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You may hear good news today from an excitable old lady who may turn out to be drunk. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Do what you feel is right in your heart. Don't worry. Be happy.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, December 21, 2006 - 4:44 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, December 21, 2006 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of overwhelming satisfaction. Remember, his/her sweetness is your weakness Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may hear odds of 3 to 1 ringing in your ears today as you step up to ask someone a romantic question. However, when you come-round from a swift bash on the nose, you will realise that actually someone is counting out "3-2-1" in a mock Boxing Referee's voice whilst the rest of the people around you are laughing heartily Cancer (June 21 - July 22) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Leo (July 23 - August 22) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If your job involves climbing onto people's rooftops and pretending to be a snake, then you may have a mild case of rickets. What you need is something which will make you play the kazoo non-stop. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Just be sure to stuff as many loganberries down your cleavage as possible as they may eventually turn into dancing hippos Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of idiots who paint your left shoe and then say, 'Because your mother told me to Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Thursday, December 21, 2006 - 4:58 pm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may hear odds of 3 to 1 ringing in your ears today as you step up to ask someone a romantic question. However, when you come-round from a swift bash on the nose, you will realise that actually someone is counting out "3-2-1" in a mock Boxing Referee's voice whilst the rest of the people around you are laughing heartily This could happen to me most any day--lol
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, December 21, 2006 - 5:17 pm
LOL Lance, I'm a virgo so i'm glad my job is not pretendig to be a snake 
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Twinkie
Member
09-24-2002
| Thursday, December 21, 2006 - 7:54 pm
LOL I'm a Gemini. I'll be sure to tell hubby I'm going to ask someone a romantic question. He'll ask me where I'm going. ROFL!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, December 22, 2006 - 2:31 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, December 22, 2006 Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. George S. Patton -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have an irrational urge to roast chestnuts on an open fire. This is perfectly normal for the time of year, however, if Jack Frost is also nipping at your nose, check you have not slipped into a Star Trek Generations type parallel universe by violently squeezing tree located baubles in department stores Gemini (May 21 - June 20) ...the only advice the planets have to give you, is 'good luck', and 'when does the show start Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you have tried, but failed, in your subtle attempts of communicating your talents to loved ones, now may be time to resort to screaming and shouting hysterically and at length. Such Drama Queendom will open doors if handled carefully during Neptune's Hibernatory Chuckle after the third Wednesday of the month Leo (July 23 - August 22) Throwing things has always been a keen interest, and this week-end your talents will be noticed by a special agent looking for a person with your ability to shout-throw and then hit a target all in one fluid movement. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A large hat will remind you of times past and will start you on an adventure of discovery that may not end until well into the New Year, 2008. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be drawn into a physically stressful argument over a small mammal, with a child or young teen around the 9th. Ensure a supply of fruit is on hand to console any small mammal which may overhear your hurtful, mammalist, prejudices. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Mexican waves are to be avoided at all costs unless you are waving to a Mexican neighbour whilst driving past them in your car, or on your bicycle, but only then at under 60mph Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware men in orange socks and bow ties not from a circus Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Sweet, sticky, orange stuff. Possibly marmalade or an orange lolly. We're not quite sure what it is, or what it has to do with you today...but it definitely features. If you don't like orange - don't panic! It might taste like something completely different, like sausages. Or beans. Yes, it could be beans. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Admitting to shooting the sherrif is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. Don't be in the market for any of what anyone is selling. The day is as long as the night.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, December 27, 2006 - 4:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 27, 2006 I long to accomplish a great and noble task; but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. Helen Keller -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The age you should be acting like is written on the soles of your shoes. One of the things you've always liked about life is how seemingly lucky you are Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) . Monkeys may go nuts for bananas, but Nutters don't give a monkeys about going bananas. This may be important for you to remember. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Accuracy is not necessary when stacking blocks, until you come to around the 5th or 6th. Although you never really felt like you made a difference yesterday, your kind words and understanding made the world spin 0.0001% faster for approximately 3 nano-seconds. The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to pick up a speeding ticket Libra (September 22 - October 22) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Nobody can stop you as you make that important break through this week. If you are extremely tired, you may find that you fall asleep at some point. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Shout, shout, let it all out." A rhyming message which can really help you out today. Starving yourself does not help you lose weight. In fact, it can be very detrimental to your health. You ask any dead person and they'll say: "Yep, that's right, I'm very thin!" Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Something will stir your memory today and it may take a few hours for you to resolve your sense of deja vu. The number you are thinking of is an odd number below 50. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this week as they find out about your recent lottery luck. I give you permission to do what you want to, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, January 03, 2007 - 4:10 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, January 3, 2007 Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. Mahatma Gandhi -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to new neighbours. I am always pretending to be a cat - make sure you have a special "getaway" persona that you can adopt at any given moment Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today might see a need for you to call attention to yourself, and we're always happy to recommend faxing semi-nude pictures of yourself to random numbers. Breaking out of your shell is best done sooner than later. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Waiting for a lift to come is like going down the stairs, only less calories. See? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Jumping up and down is great fun and encouraging others to do so is a fine way to make friends and see wobbling breasts. Limericks are great, but perhaps you might avoid talking incessantly in one large storybook of tall tales. Libra (September 22 - October 22) a report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over the coming week. This report will tell you everything you need to know about the feelings of another and will help you understand how to begin living the rest of your life. The future holds many fantastic and wonderful things. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Express yourself, do a backflip, try to do the splits. Dance and the world will be yours. Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Several pranksters dressed up as Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer will climb onto your roof and play a musical turnip in honour of egg yolks. Smile and be optimistic - a new type of ape could be discovered which can predict the future and make turkey noises. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Extra caution is needed as many people may run at you carrying tins of blue paint. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Honour yourself and swing from the ceiling from time to time Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A lukewarm container of squids can be your best friend throughout the winter season. Use it wisely and respect its presence by removing your left shoe and saying, 'My Aunt Ethel smells like your hairy toenail'. -------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, January 11, 2007 - 4:07 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, January 11, 2007 Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better. King Whitney Jr. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Falling in love is as easy as touching your elbow with the fingers of the same arm. Wherever possible, try to avoid it. Significant other, or S.O., is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "that thing I know" or "unstranger". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are not a loser. You just...don't...not...un-win. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Bad things are afoot. I mean, can't you smell it? Overspending will find you slightly less well off this week. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Peaches and cream - if only more things were like these two beautiful, oft-paired, delights. Every time you tap a key on your keyboard, you are secretly filling in a membership form to a random society. Each week henceforth you will receive a newsletter from said society, explaining your duties and sign-up fees. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you mis-use the word literally once more today ("I *literally* laughed my hiney off"), you're going to feel what it's like to be hit "upside the head". Wake up, wash your face, change your pants. Life needs a good "start" routine, make this YOURS. Don't be embarrassed by your actions today, embrace your flamboyant side. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts with ice-cream and bacon bits may revive them, to an extent. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Taking a bit-part in a local theatre production may help you get out and start living a lie. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) One man cannot make himself into an army of super-strength dogs. No matter what his budget. You will get an important phone call today, but you won't be able to find a pen to write down the message.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, January 18, 2007 - 9:00 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, January 18, 2007 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. Tom Stoppard (1937 - ), "Artist Descending a Staircase" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Take some time out to spend with yourself. Wear a kilo of orange peel on your head and pretend you are Sigourney Weaver Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Fire and earth magicks are strong in Taurus this week. An annoying in-law will soon present you with the unwanted gift of a kitschy lava lamp. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your shy and retiring temperament does not preclude your running down the street naked and covered head to toe in aqua paint Thursday. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Try not to cluck like a chicken if your Uncle shows up at your door wearing pink lingerie. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your thirst for knowledge could be the centre of attention in your workplace. Tie your goat to a copper pipe and then give 20 tea leaves to a clown Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. This may be due to an appointment you have earlier in the week, or it may be become love has just entered your life in the form someone floating down a river in a large plastic swan-type boat. Or it may just be because you've won a serious amount of money and people want to shower you with platitudes Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Wrapping your home in seaweed is your way of dealing with life. Painting your chin can be as easy as predicting the weight of a bag of beans. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) . Morph into a giant chipmunk and make friends with a bottle of turnip wine. Its a great way to discover nuggets of gold hidden underneath your carpet. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It might be worthwhile cutting corners. Cactus shaped cricket bats make excellent jewellery and can even be worn as false eyelashes Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Its time to give back to the community. Building a homeless shelter for lobsters and rotating purples mandrills. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, January 19, 2007 - 3:41 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, January 19, 2007 One of the greatest joys known to man is to take a flight into ignorance in search of knowledge. Robert Lynd -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Crossing your arms, legs and fingers is fine. You'll keep on fighting till the end. Wearing a hat will only bring true happiness Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is similarly likely that you will fall flat on your arse trying to achieve it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The screaming of multiplication tables during love-making may help you temper yourself but is also likely to alienate your partner who will assume that your heart really isn't in Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a good WEEK-END to make new friendships and get those little things around the home done that just weren’t top priority. You’ve been feeling sluggish and feeling alone. Be creative and make some invitations up for a housecleaning party! Carry them on you and be sure to hand them out to new people that you meet. They should be thrilled to come, after all you aren’t asking them to spend any money! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bask in the glory of your achievements today. Flapping your arms like a bird is a good way to call attention to yourself. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Lots of different shades of PINK help you know that metal objects are 3 dimensional. Go with that animal instinct. You're Tony the tiger?and you're GRRRRREEEAT Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The discovery of two scoliotic spines this week will bring you one step closer to completing that rocking chair of skulls. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Friends have always tried to convince you of your madness, but never more so will that be true than this coming weekend. Don't they realise commissioner Gordon told you to put on your bat suit and jump into that vat of vanilla pudding? ----------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, January 25, 2007 - 5:56 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, January 25, 2007 The longer you live, the less importance you attach to things, and the less importance you also attach to importance." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The gongoozlers at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes. Try to avoid challenging yourself today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners. Aries (March 21 - April 19) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You think "pink", but you buy "blue". This is why you're confused a lot of the time. Go with the flow and let people take advantage of you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) if your Aunty does the macarena then wrap her head in toilet paper and staple her to an active windscreen wiper. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Lemons and sausages are your best friends so be sure you take them out to dinner and pamper them with lots of cobblestones and fried chicken. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Try not to think about cheese. Why not concentrate on more important things such as shaving off your eyebrows and duct taping them to your neighbours wall Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your sporting life will keep you in good stead for the summer olympics. This week may turn out to be a complete waste of all your time and efforts. Contemplate leaving your current situation at once. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst tomorrow possible. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Any joke you have to seriously think about today is not worth 'getting'. God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may find that you are ready for a fall. You can't star in your own television show if you're a no-talented idiot. Just something to keep in mind - no particular reference to you.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, January 26, 2007 - 5:59 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, January 26, 2007 People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. Dan Quayle (1947 - ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Reality TV shows are not crying out for someone like yourself. You are not photogenic and could probably do with setting your sights much lower. The word "Wobble" might mean something to you today that it simply hasn't meant before. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Testing your ability to walk on water should be done at the beach, not in the middle of the atlantic. This is just an analogy to some part of your life which is not entirely clear to me Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today might surprise you by quickly changing the colour of the clouds perhaps for up to 10 seconds. The dead are unlikely to rise from their graves today, but this should not deter you from starting your "Anti-Zombie" fan club Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may never find what you're looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. Ignore those who laugh at your sense of style. You are overworked and underpaid. Man, I'm good at this horoscope lark, aren't I Libra (September 23 - October 22) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Music is likely to help you through today, so try to listen to as much as possible. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause, say to try and scrape off some unspeakables from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it. However, if you keep the unspeakable on your shoe and meet your serendipitous friend, the smell might be off-putting enough to close the deal Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) When leaving your house this morning, don't forget to lock up and give the children a pat on the head. Many of the best lyrics are attributable today. Take into consideration that most songs are about love and adversity --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, January 30, 2007 - 4:54 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, January 30, 2007 All we actually have is our body and its muscles that allow us to be under our own power. Allegra Kent, Once a Dancer… -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Ignore all street signs and traffic lights today. In fact, make up your own rules, like "Right on red after doing the macarena around the car." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Most would consider you extremely successful if you can get your cat to build a weather machine. However, jealousy may arise if you befriend a burping goat . Leo (July 23 - August 22) Take a relaxing bath today in chicken noodle soup. If you can't find that much chicken noodle, you may substitute chicken and stars soup. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) As Pluto phases through its phases, you should be aware of the negative effects of pasta. It contains tiny chimps which will go straight to your brain and control you. Libra (September 23 - October 22) You may very well find yourself unintentionally stapling wooden planks to your eyelids and doing the goat dance in front of all your colleagues Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You may feel like today has started like a horror story, but it will get better this lunchtime. Your vision won't fail so long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You have cleverly structured an impressive set piece in your head. Put it into practise today and you'll quickly see the benefit. Your irrelevance becomes clear today and you will feel a new sense of freedom. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will make it hard for you to make any sense of roofle wimblipickstone. You have recently received some equipment for which there was a manual. Please give this manual a quick read so as to avoid problems later. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Any rumours you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. ----------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, February 05, 2007 - 4:48 pm
Daily Humorscope February 5, 2007 If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), Observer, Jan. 15, 1950 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Tension and anger may arise as a direct result of flashing your neighbour Taurus (April 20 - May 20) . Don't saw off your tail! Instead divert their attention by disguising yourself as wallpaper and gluing yourself to the wall. Do this without laughing and your pet goat will stop eating your TOE. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Be sure to leave the house if you plan to draw moustaches on penguins Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Its about time you put your foot down. Staple your boss's nose to the table and demand he hand over his collection of jellyfish. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Congratulations may be in order this week. Presenting yourself with home-made cardboard awards is probably not the sanest way to go about giving yourself a morale boost. The smoothness of your arms are testiment to all your work in that area. Libra (September 22 - October 22) The week should go quite smoothly for you. You won't be meeting any more people dressed like Tarzan so theres no need to wear pink oven gloves. Try taking out a secure investment in a rubber dog poop factory - the rewards outnumber the employees. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your spine is going to feel a tingling sensation later this day and you're not going to be able to attribute it to anything specific. Half of what I say is meaningless...the other half is pure gold, purer than any snow that ever fell. Purer than the white cover on that classic Beatles' album Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Homeopathic treatments are not generally carried out by psychopathic people. I'm not entirely sure you know that the 'pathic' part of those two words doesn't mean that they're related. Waiting for a lift to come is like going down the stairs, only less calories. See? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try to avoid flatulence in romance but at the same time don't let affectionate opportunities pass by without a good fight! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Do not open your closet - you may be confronted by clowns who will pull your pants and pour a bucket of slimy eels into them
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 06, 2007 - 4:42 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 6, 2007 Don't believe your friends when they ask you to be honest with them. All they really want is to be maintained in the good opinion they have of themselves. Albert Camus ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) On the 7th you will sell your priceless collection of Elizabethan footwear on e-bay while intoxicated by the fumes of turpentine from your usual monthly cleaning. You will use the $42.76 to buy a greyhound bus ticket to illustrious Bovine, South Dakota. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Oh you trend crazy person you! Get a 70's style man perm and be a hit with all the ladies. If you are a woman, beware of any men with 70's style perms Cancer (June 21 - July 22) \ Coming home from the latest Broadway play, you will realize-too late, of course-that your cabbie is the Cabbie from H@ll. Not only will he be courteous, clean and Caucasian, but he won’t even grumble about the tip. In exchange for this sinfully pleasant ride, however, you will sign away all your cab-hailing skills and be doomed to the 1/9 for eternity Leo (July 23 - August 22) As your planets are aligned it is a good time to try for that career you've always been tempted to pursue. The moons in Jupiter would suggest that stand-up comedy be the wise path to take Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Tuesday night you will find out how nervous you get in front of groups. And everybody will be scantily clad enough to seem like they are already in their underwear. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) YOUR "LUCKY" RANDOMLY COMPUTER-GENERATED NUMBERS: 60043667, 99927264856636 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Now is your chance for FAME! American Idol auditions may have passed, but that doesn't mean that all of America should miss out on your singing voice. The sunrise service at your local church is dieing to put your yodeling talents to good use. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) - A great day to take up a new hobby, like sculpting. Collect all the hair in your bathtub drain and use it as your medium. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Go to a gas station today. Ask the attendant, "One of my co-workers had bad gas today. She didn't get it here, did she?" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Do something nice for yourself today, like soak your body in a tub full of rice pudding. Afterwards, invite some friends over for dessert!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 14, 2007 - 4:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 14, 2007 It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. Rene Descartes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and standing toe-to-toe with people you fancy. Then your luck might improve! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A special someone will furnish you with a gift today. All signs point to it being a single shoe, possibly a brogue. Partner someone in a dance today and you'll feel fantastic for at least a week. After that you'll remember that your partner was actually the dance teacher and she told you you smelled like garlic. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Hopefulness can be a virtue, but naivity can bring you trouble. Spank yourself silly today because you're been VERY VERY bad. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Don't be embarrassed by your actions today, embrace your flamboyant side. Wear that pink Lame' jumpsuit with pride. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to sweetcorn. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Install that software, make it a priority! (Don't blame us if your computer starts dissolving) The law may be your friend today, or it might turn round and bite you in the rear. Either way the word "law" is going to crop up. Libra (September 23 - October 22) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Walking to work in a clown costume can help you in your search for humility. You can't go wrong today - everything is set up for brilliance Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Your favourite phrase today will be "I'll do it!" and "Wow, I've never seen...well, anything like... Wow!" Sweetheart is just another ugly word you learned from greetings cards. Start to think of better ways to address your beloved. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Gold, Silver, Jewels. They're all smashing but ruddy expensive. You might want to lower your expectations if the stars are informing correctly. Indeed, you'll be lucky to get a plastic spoon as a gift than any of the above. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Deft swift strokes of the hand when writing may be the turn-on that a work-chum needs to show their true feelings for you. However, that love may vanish when they realise that the letter is a final written warning and a suggestion that they clear out their desks before security arrive ---------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 3:39 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 22, 2007 Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives. Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People around appear to look like bananas and you need to show them what you're made of. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Avoid uneccessary paperwork by changing your name to 'Lusty Lucinda', This will solve all your financial problems. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Perhaps you need a vacation. Wrap yourself in a bright green blanket and search the world for gypsies who have been painted blue and have had giant sticks surgically attached to their eyelids. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you are attacked by mutant cucumbers armed with rubber gloves then a good rub down with cinnamon might just be what the doctor ordered. Leo (July 23 - August 22) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "doo-doo" face. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Nobody has made a remark about your hairy toenail so theres no need to wrap a rubber band around your head. Be sure to stock up on your supply of silly string as you may learn a deep dark secret real soon. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and contemplate making love. Of course you're far too prudish for anything like that but it'll be nice to think about it for a while. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your marital status may change this week, either due to some pre-planned marriage type thing, or possibly just a typing error on a car insurance quote form. Either way, love is on the cards for you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The morning will be full of fun and sunshine. Unrelated incidents may cherry bobsleigh rambunctious you today. You will be provoked by a spotty teenager. Don't rise to him. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your funny bone may have disappeared momentarily. However, it may turn up where you least expect it. You have many more years ahead of you. Pickles are a source of joy for you this week.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 4:37 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 27, 2007 Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up. Anne Lamott -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Cartoon fun can be yours if you pick up the right set of pencils and think really hard about drawing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are finally ready to face the world as yourself this week, so don't be afraid of anything. Waiting for important email will take precedent over waiting for junk mail for the first time today. Although you will still be interested when you get an email declaring "George Bush falling over!!1". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Being righteous will only make you enemies. Your legs look nice today. Show them off in some kind of very short skirt that nearly shows your organy-bits. Yes Lance, I'm talking to you! "Saucy!" should not be used as a synonym for sweaty. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The number you are thinking of is an odd number below 50. You may think later this month that your computer has been hacked by some 12 year old American girl. However, you will soon come to realise that actually a family pet has chewed through the cord of your mouse. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The right moment could grab you at any moment. Unruly behaviour by your closest friends can be solved using cake-forks. Be cuddly today and possibly as fluffy as possible. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella". Please keep your eyes on the exits. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst tomorrow possible. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Terrible envy can be yours all for the price of walking into a very expensive car showroom. Use that negative energy to summon up dark spirits. When ending a letter today, remember to append 'xxx' to the end, especially if your letter is formal. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is "War On Pringles" day. For their moronic commercials, for the fact that potato chips should not come in a tube, for the conformist notion that all chips should be identical, today you must declare "War On Pringles." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The shop you like to buy your food from may suddenly disappear with a whooshing sound as you approach it.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 10:19 pm
I don't look good in a skirt. 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, March 01, 2007 - 5:47 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, March 1, 2007 The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little. Franklin D. Roosevelt -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Sid may be a lucky name for you this week. Sid may be a fighter pilot and he may be able to hook you up with anyone you fancy because he's just *that* connected. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Mercury will have bizarre effects on you. You may wake up any day now dressed up as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and start playing a musical turnip with your ear in honour of egg yolks. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. Leo (July 23 - August 22) yodelling skills will not get any better if you keep over-committing yourself to aliens. Its better to eat balls of cotton wool than to fill your bathtub with wood chippings. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Scientists will help you today by informing you that you can catch love in jars and spread love like a disease. This will cause your heart to leap and you'll immediately feel like you want to grab the nearest person and slurp their face off. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Ignore those who laugh at your sense of style. Unfortunately for you, the way forward can sometimes be the way backwards this week. This may become a particularly apparent problem whilst travelling along a busy motorway. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Trash collecting Made Easy." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Stripes are not really a colour, but people will like the way you confuse it as such. What happened yesterday was beyond your control. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of ocatagonal shaped chimps wearing shirts. They have control over a gang of randy pidgeons who will hump your leg for 10 hours if you don't fill a sock with kidney beans and sing to it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Try not to lose awareness whilst fighting a gooseberry with your shoe. A lot of harm may come to you if you limit your abilities to feeling sorry for horseshoes and rope.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, March 06, 2007 - 5:00 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, March 6, 2007 l The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it. Doris Day (1924 - ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You should take steps today to get your name legally changed to "Wild Thang." Then whenever someone plays the song, you can stand up and bow. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will make up one of the world's finest nick names this month for an annoying guy who lives near you. It is only a matter of time until your entire neighborhood use it admiringly. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A favorite T-shirt of yours with a picture of a monkey will attract criticism from people who know better. When eating bananas in this shirt, ensure a neighbor does not take a picture which could later be used on an ironic or satirical web site. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A salesman's cold call to your work number will introduce you to a whole new world of discount shopping on the 7th. You will be drawn to a snazzy sofa and chair set which will go well in your lounge, however the coverings will wear out suddenly after the 1 year guarantee expires. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You're not jinxed so staying in bed all day is not going to work. Cups of tea and coffe will start to rack up around your desk today as you try to get everything done under the heady influence of a bucket of caffeine Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Shallow puddles may deceive you today. Feel free to go dancing until 3am with various CIRQUE DU SOLEIL ARTISTS at a local notorious disco. Only this way will you be able to say "I've danced till the early morn with some crazy benders!". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France then chances are you're going to strike out again throughout this week. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware small dogs and cats with large hats after the 6th. It is often said that Aquarius is a water sign. Even so, an umbrella is advised on the 16th unless it is convenient to strip down to your bathing costume on your arrival at your destination. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Ensure you accurately tie any shoe laces, or other knots in your clothing, to avoid embarrassment as, after THE 5TH, a planetary alignment will attempt to trip you up. Your lucky scarf color is red this month. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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