Author |
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 9:18 pm
Hahahaha, Nancy, thank you! You have made my day! 
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 9:38 pm
Acccckkkkkkkk!! No hats!!! Lex sux!!!!! <stomps on hat and sets it on fire> <prepares a battle plan for Wargod>
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, March 08, 2006 - 4:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, March 8, 2006 A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth. Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it would give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world. Author: Maurice Chevalier -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Licking your finger and sticking in your ear whilst saying "Trust me, Im a gooseberry!" is the best thing you can do if you get arrested today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Spread jam all over your hairnet if you want to attract orangutans into your home for tea and biscuits. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The charms of a stranger will enthuse your risk taking nature, however avoid wearing thongs upon your naked self (especially if they are made out of leopard material) until after 18th of the month. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your neverending quest to bring back a loop of spaghetti from the dead will come to an end today with the introduction of lime juice to your diet. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A visit to a zoo, a leisure park, or a sleazy motel, will all end messily. Ensure bottled water is on hand and a rag to mop your furrowed brow. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be surrounded by pies filled with apple, raspberry, mango and mince meat, which are set to make this week zing in a similar way the swinging 60's did with highly coloured clothing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Save all nut husks to make jewellery with a young person in a moment of creative endeavour on the 11th. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Berets and polo necked shirts are both poorly and well starred depending on which chart we use Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you carry golf clubs around with you, then horses will offer you magic beans which you can exchange for goats. Glue cups to your head. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Penguins have stapled all your hats together in on big lump. Plant a cherry tree in your garden and ask police officers to slap it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of typewriters stealing your grapefruits and selling them to gibbons and fleas! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:19 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 10, 2006 In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it. And they must have a sense of success in it. John Ruskin (1819 - 1900), Pre-Raphaelitism, 1850 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your kneecaps are claustrophobic and will spontaneously combust if exposed to worms or bright badgers. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your mind seems to be geared towards headbutting oranges and splitting corn cobs in two with your toes. You should be more aware of your harmonious side. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) TAKE care with your pinkies!. Telephone boxes are not usually the best places to try on spandex trousers. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Do not chase squirrels and flick rubber bands at them, if you want to succeed at eating raspberry yoghurt Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You must decide whether you are a napkin, a sock, or a hairy bicycle. This will determine your ultimate outcome in life should you decide to climb rocks Libra (September 22 - October 22) YOU are allowed anything you want today. Even if it messes up your weight-watchers 'points system' Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It's jigsaw puzzle day! For good luck, you must complete every single jigsaw puzzle you own! So get puzzlin'! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Stop by the bank today and rearrange all the velvet ropes so they lead right back out the door. Evade arrest. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You must attach bits of dehydrated ketchup to your toilet seat before you sing in the shower. Your curtains may turn to grease Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your confidence is high because you sprayed your friend with cucumber juice and now they look like a hairy frog. Say sorry to them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:25 pm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. This explains EVERYTHING!
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Heyltslori
Moderator
09-15-2001
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:27 pm

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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 5:23 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, March 15, 2006 The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live." But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die." Or something. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable to entertain children. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make. Libra (September 22 - October 22) The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the baton, two sum wrestlers,five angry baboons, and the hot air baloons one more time. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your agenda is worth seeing through, so don't let petty distractions pull you away from fulfilling your destined path. You're the only one who's able to perform certain tasks, so keep your eyes on the prize. Send this page to a friend. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Be generous with your time and spirit. The stars want you to act as a conduit for others. You have so much wisdom and ability at your disposal; it would be a shame to abuse them. Don't be afraid to lead.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 4:53 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, March 16, 2006 Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will attempt to serenade a loved one in the style of Frank Sinatra in his rat pack years. Ensure you learn all the words to either I get a kick out of you, The lady is a Tramp or The pig goes oink, the cow goes moo and the bell goes ding-a-ling. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Whilst attending your aerobics session on the 5th a small bird will fly into the building and decide to pick on you for no apparent reason. The neighbor's cat will save the day. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Do not eat soup using a pair of tongs. You might become allergic to Conan the barbarian. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your life of fine wines and classical guitar make you quite the catch Leo (July 23 - August 22) YOUR desire for failure will be further doomed by your appointment as CEO of a major pharmaceutical company. You're slinky Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Should a fairy sell you pink hair dye, your first urge will be to drink it and dye your stomach lining blue. Concave shapes are bad for you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Granary bread is good for you and will promote the growth of giraffes in your left ear drum. Do not grope old ladies despite what your Uncle tells you Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) There will be times during the day when you will get the urge to rub yourself with banana skins. Avoid this urge by shaving off your hair. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Its time you did some housework you lazy wench! Uproot your carpet with a spatula and give it a good cleaning using a ferret. Your kidneys will become glittery Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) When the going gets tough, you must encrustulate your flavoured rolos with the finest turnip shake you can find in your shoes. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) When the going gets tough, you must encrustulate your flavoured rolos with the finest turnip shake you can find in your shoes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 9:01 pm
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. Isn't that the truth!!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 17, 2006 - 5:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 17, 2006 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. Franklin D. Roosevelt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aries (March 21 - April 19) A giant pixie called Taylor will trick you into buying a food processor and will then force you to become its sex slave for the next 10 minutes Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Avoid speaking at all if possible. You have a disease on your tongue which could spread to other people, and cause them to make their eyes explode. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try seeking the assistance of a lawyer and see if they can help you whistle harder. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Be prepared in case apes attack your town and try to sell you breadsticks and faulty doorbells. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Walking around the streets dressed as a millipede with a CaT stuck on your behind, will definitely get you that promotion which you have been looking. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Harvey, your imaginary 6ft tall bunny rabbit friend who follows you everywhere, will get himself into a pickle today in ways too complicated to relate in this column. Suffice it to say that even imaginary bunny rabbits require food and water and a safe place to toilet themselves. Libra (September 22 - October 22) When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as you'll need it sometime around 4pm Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Post-it note your entire life and you can become some kind of local hero. You're almost certainly to star on the local news Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Feel free to go dancing until 3am with various costumed figures at a local notorious disco. Only this way will you be able to say "I've danced till the early morn with some crazy Chipmunks!". Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Day time television can motivate you to rethink the monotony of your life. You may decide to pep up your life by going on a short cookery course Pisces (February 19 - March 20) YOU are not a half-fish, half-human. Please stop trying to convince people --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, March 20, 2006 - 1:13 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, March 20, 2006 Power can be taken, but not given. The process of the taking is empowerment in itself. Author: Gloria Steinem -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) YOU are not a video game. You are not a movie star. You are not a no-one. New shoes will help you take big strides. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) JAPANESE wise men say "Overrun light bulbs burn out quickly". So either get some energy saving bulbs or get a less stressful job. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Leo (July 23 - August 22) WHITE underwear is lucky for you this week. Sasquatch will not befriend you and live peacefully in your house. What is a very common word and will be ignored. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If you have tried, but failed, in your subtle attempts of communicating your talents to loved ones, now may be time to resort to screaming and shouting hysterically and at length. Such Drama Queendom will open doors if handled carefully during Neptune's Hibernatory Chuckle after the third Wednesday of the month Libra (September 22 - October 22) From 10am on the 20tht of March 2006 you will become a pumped athlete who is ready to succeed, blinkers on, striving for your goals, ignoring everyone. Go gettem Libra winner! Yo! Yo! Yooooa! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be unable to cause offense in any of its forms today so talk slackly and, especially when drinking, enjoy the ability to say without fear the first thing that comes into your mind. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Throwing things has always been a keen interest, and this week your talents will be noticed by a special agent looking for a person with your ability to shout-throw and then hit a target all in one fluid movement Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Do not sell bacon rolls to an antelope unless he is called Troy and his left leg is made of wood. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, March 21, 2006 - 5:59 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, March 21, 2006 This is the highest wisdom that I own; freedom and life are earned by those alone who conquer them each day anew.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aries (March 21 - April 19) Although you have been getting gradually more and more tired over the last few days, you'll find new energy this weekend. The day is as long as the night. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The darkness you experience when you close your eyes might be accompanied by a low demonic growl today. All the things you're unsure of will almost certainly remain enigmatic by the end of the day Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your vision won't fail so long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Clarity of thought is something you need to accomplish today. Optrex is your lucky fluid for the day. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your ear will resemble a giant blue lampshade and people will flick beans at your nose to try and turn you on. Ignore all creatures claiming to be mammals. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Left to your own devices, you are probably heading for a fall. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you probably should have ensured was fixed more firmly to the wall. Libra (September 22 - October 22) NOTHING I say will make you change your mind about the thing you're thinking about right now Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You have recently received some equipment for which there was a manual. Please give this manual a quick read so as to avoid problems later. The number of times you walk into a door will today cause you to seek out new ways of thinking. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You need a bit more spice in your life. Why not treat your partner tonight by slipping into your finest home-made banana skin underpants and mooing like a cow for 4 hours solid. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will feel like releasing your sexual tension within you by stapling courgettes to your fingernails and swearing at your friends in Latin. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 24, 2006 - 11:15 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 24 2006 Never say you don't know - nod wisely, leave calmly, then run like hell to find the nearest expert. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The stars hate to have to be the ones to break this news to you, but while it is true that it only takes a single million-dollar idea to strike it rich, your box of paperclips retailing for $1 million is not it.</p> < Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Unexpected developments will both annoy and frighten you today, kind of like watching "America's Funniest Home Videos." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter bunny and put two and two together. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Invent several colors that don't exist. Call a paint store and try to get them to back-order the colors for you. Insist on high-gloss. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today, You will buy something Blue. (ok that's my horoscope as I am buying something blue today but it COULD be yours too) Libra (September 22 - October 22) >You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.</p> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, March 27, 2006 - 5:36 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, March 27, 2006 Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. Josh Billings -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your suspicions may prove correct today as you super-sleuth your way around the office. Someone HAS been sitting in your seat, and someone HAS been eating your food. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will stumble upon a lost golden retriever on your way back from work this week. Fortunately, an address tag will reveal exactly where you shouldn't walk your new golden retriever Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's beginning to look like you'll never understand that ruffled skirts don't look good with colored stockings, especially on men with legs like yours. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A major personality change, normally only associated with violent emotional upheaval or in soap operas, is set to provide wondrous, albeit complicated, opportunities for you over the coming weeks Leo (July 23 - August 22) Jumping up and down is great fun and encouraging others to do so is a fine way to make friends and see wobbling breasts. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Try to get rid of that Blondie song running through your head all day: "One way / Or another / I'm gonna find ya / I'm gonna gitchagitchagitchagitcha." Bet you can't do it, can you? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Bowie is like you are: gentile, robust, always ready to pop back in the charts by providing backing vocals to pretty much any old schmuck. The similarities between you and Bowie are pretty much endless Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Get in good with your boss today by placing a nice, shiny apple on her desk. Then solemnly proclaim, "I polished it with my own spit." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Add fifteen identical buttons around your front doorbell. That way, they have to really want to be your visitor. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 4:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, March 29, 2006 Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. ~Samuel Ullman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will Raise 2 tadpoles and call them Jim and Pete. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your homegrown bananas posess a unique quality which can make your legs morph into rubber-bands, but only if you are inside a refrigerator at the time. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A legion of purple-people eaters are no match for your smelly feet. Just take off your shoes , and they will soon scream "Horace is a horse" and run for their lives. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Be careful of rogue grains of rice breaking into your garden shed and stealing your collection of hats, Ward them off with cucumbers Libra (September 22 - October 22) Magi cannot be expected to turn up at your convenience. However, they will usually leave a calling card asking you to re-arrange a visit. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to new neighbours Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your magical fingers may be called into practice this week. The crystal ball which I sometimes use for divining fortunes for those like yourself...is smashed beyond repair. I can see bits of your future, and they look bloody. But I can't tell whether it's *your* blood. Actually, it might not be blood at all, but a red sock. I'm not sure. Get back to me tomorrow. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your selfish ways will not improve this week as you win a sizeable jackpot on the lottery. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you may be inspired by this saying: "Sowing one's wheat in another's field could result in sore feet." I think the meaning is obvious. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will wear moccasins with hilarious consequences. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:07 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, March 30, 2006 It is amazing how much crisper the general experience of life becomes when your body is given a chance to develop a little strength. Frank Duff, A Coder in Courierland -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A trusted friend will give you wise advice today. Unfortunately the advice will be on a topic unrelated to your life -- something like metallurgy. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Make lots of checklists today. Fill them up with insignificant tasks, like "scratch head." And "remember to breathe." Leo (July 23 - August 22) Opportunity is waiting round every corner. All you've got to do is catch up with him, put him in a big box and beat him with big sticks Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Become as the rabbit. All will become clear as the moon begins its wane. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You have a very positive outlook on life that may have to shift slightly to fit in with a new persona that may be forced onto you today. Hilarity may ensue this week if you decide to hire a clown on Thursday night. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Banter between two important people may sway you in your current ideas about progressing with your life. However, until you hear this banter it is impossible to say which direction you'll take Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Many of your emotions have been plagiarised by others who have no idea how you feel. NO IDEA I TELLS YA!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, March 31, 2006 - 5:38 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, March 31, 2006 Our body is a machine for living. It is organized for that, it is its nature. Let life go on in it unhindered and let it defend itself, it will do more than if you paralyze it by encumbering it with remedies. ~Leo Tolstoy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) As the planet Mars passes the peak of Gemini, you must consider several new changes within your financial situation. Remain extremely cautious. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) WHENEVER you're confused, remember that toast holds the answer. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This week will see "a new hope" arrive in the form of a whiny sand-farmer boy. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your ideals are starting to shape the way you're living, so congratulations. Hit it all you want, but the lift will take as long as it will take no matter how forcefully you press the button Libra (September 22 - October 22) Be really chipper all day. Use a lot of excessively happy words like "hidee ho!" and "yuppers!" Avoid anyone who attempts to open fire at you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to rally support around a completely useless cause today, like urban hang gliding. Pass out pamphlets. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Fluctuating planetary energies in the earlier part of the day may ruin your FM radio reception. Hey man, blame it on the stars. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you have young children, refer to them today as "young cubs." Insist that they call you Mama Bear or Papa Bear. Then hibernate for six months. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Loiter in fabric stores all day, making a nuisance of yourself. Pick out garish color combinations and remark loudly about how beautiful they are. Mix up patterns. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, April 03, 2006 - 4:39 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, April 3, 2006 You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act. Barbara Hall, A Summons to New Orleans, 2000 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your nose will turn into quicksand unless you paint every hair on your head green and then flush them down the toilet. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will fall in love with a jazz playing octopus who has a missing eyeball. The silver toenail stuck on your forehead is actually a family heirloom. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your luck is about to change. Someone is going to post you an envelope filled with brass canaries which can be used to scare off kermit the frog look-alikes. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Control your urge to wear 20 rubber gloves over your head and scream like a howler monkey. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Building batteries from clay will not help power your new radio controlled turnip. Take up painting and perform a scene from Shakespeare for your pet dog. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" ( Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of people offering free screensavers. Scroll further down any web pages you access today, just in case there are hidden clauses you aren't aware of. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your Mothers best advice was to glue a cactus to your nose and to squeak like a mouse whenever you were in financial trouble. Take heed of her good advice, cos you need it! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and a lot of theft. Fault for your situation can be accredited to anyone you wish - go nuts! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Tonight's sleep will be restful and dreamy. Except for the aliens that will be at your bedside, waiting to perform hideous experiments on your kidneys. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 3:10 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, April 5, 2006 Greatness is more than potential. It is the execution of that potential. Beyond the raw talent. You need the appropriate training. You need the discipline. You need the inspiration. You need the drive. Eric A. Burns, Gossamer Commons, 08-12-05 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Building batteries from clay will not help power your new radio controlled turnip. Take up painting and perform a scene from Shakespeare for your pet dog. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Sing a song inside and to hell with the dark clouds that await you. If some things start to appear impossible, it may be time to invent robots. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Catch-22 is better in at least 2 ways than Catch-20. Don't be caught in the Catch-20 loop - you're unlikely to ever see your family again. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You won't be hospitalised today, but things may not go as planned It probably seems unreal right now, but you are likely to meet a long-lost relative over the coming month or so. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are a carrier bag and life is one big supermarket. Now you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12". That's as exciting as it gets. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A nice, mellow day is in store for you. To that end, tie-dye all your clothing and hop on a bus full of Phish fans. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Act daft today, help people close to you smile, and feel the healing power of laughter. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming fortnight, so prepare for wealth, health and happiness, you lucky dog. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Actions take a moment, consequences last a lifetime. Hexes may impair your vision today if you attempt to cross an invisible boundary Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) When Elvis sang, it's like he was thinking of you. Oh yes, especially when he does those "groin dips". The words you use to describe yourself may have to be revised today, after suffering what can only be described as "hell" Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt). Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Brown is your unlucky colour for today. Avoid it whereever possible. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If it's tasty, then lap it up. If not, don't. This is the best course of action for this week --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 5:09 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, April 7, 2006 Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance. Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You must relax more, take long walks and fill the bath up really full so that you can soak those weary limbs. You have many more years ahead of you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Life throws us all crazy things now and then. Like swords made of ham. And dogs on skateboards Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Get out there in the center ring of your own personal three-ring circus and try out your latest acrobatic act. You know, the one with the flame trick? You know, while you're riding a bicycle? On stilts? With a monkey? Don't worry -- this act is bound to be a crowd pleaser. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Sasquatch will not befriend you and live peacefully in your house. Sandwich is your lucky word for today and is likely to be involved in some sort of belly-filling incident. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Locate all your eyeballs using satellite technology. Assemble an army of glowworms and order them to re-assemble all your underpants from raw wool. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Break a stick from the nearest tree, and glue an empty bottle of wine to the end. Wave it around wherever you go to ward off demons Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you want to get more drinks out of your friends, then wear a dress made from paper towels and learn to riverdance without screaming. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Eat a giant peppercorn and watch your spleen split in two and go shopping for you. Write your shopping list on a banana skin. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Should you decide to go out tonight, be ware of anything which looks like a spiral banana. It will make your eyes glow. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your only hope of survival is to clear your mind of bread. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 3:44 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, April 11, 2006 Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises. Erma Bombeck -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Find a nice recoiless saucepan which you can marry and produce offspring which resemble tap dancing gibbons wearing bow ties. Avoid all contact with polar bears. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Start a band today called "Bunions and Onions." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A great day to go out and buy yourself several hundred hats. Because, after all, you can never have enough hats. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You may find it wise to save money today. Then again, you may see that lovely cubic zirconia necklace on the Home Shopping Network, in which case you should splurge! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your legs look nice today. Show them off in some kind of very short skirt that nearly shows your organy-bits. Yes Derek, I'm talking to you! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Unruly behaviour by your closest friends can be solved using cake-forks. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your entire family and network of friends. They will adore you for your spectacular honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next decade. This week, Microsoft Word may define your grammar as "poorly constructed" and full of "run on sentences". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your neighbour's taste for loud music may cause them to incur an unfortunate accident. Be cuddly today and possibly as fluffy as possible. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The legend of the baked bean may trouble you today as last night's meal tries to catch up with last week's. It's all one big cr@ap chute anyhoo. Remember to chew before you swallow. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Continually turning around in a circle is not a good way to avoid seeing the horrors you have created. Your life is a mess, now stop getting dizzy and sort it out. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 3:53 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, April 13, 2006 Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them. Aristotle ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aries (March 21 - April 19) Skin cream is nice if you are dedicated to preserving the quality of life which insects would die for. Your only hope of survival is to eat lots of marzipan. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You believe you are a blue frog with wings. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You often get the urge to rub yourself with rancid banana skins and smell like a banana 24 hours a day. Dont delay this. Just go ahead and do it! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A nice, mellow day is in store for you. To that end, tie-dye all your clothing and hop on a bus full of Phish fans. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Start a new 12-step group for those with addictions to 12-step groups. Call it "AAA." Sidestep lawsuits from the American Automobile Association. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Danger can stalk you in all forms, even cute little cats and slugs. Beware of all cats who have slugs attached to their backs. Why not pick up the phone and yell into it wildly before dialling your required number. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your ability to speak may be impaired today as you attempt to swallow half of a live hedgehog. Ensure your blood stays within your system today by not venturing further than your refridgerator. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The number I am thinking of is 12.2345. This is not the number you are thinking of, especially if you are not thinking of a number. Everything you read online today may turn out to be a complete sham, or alternatively contain very inciteful tidbits detailing the most intimate details of your unconscious self. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Most of what you do may be questioned this week - however, you will fly through those questions with ease and be praised for your general application. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8 glasses a day with that track record?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, April 15, 2006 - 2:19 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, April 15, 2006 Each choice we make causes a ripple effect in our lives. When things happen to us, it is the reaction we choose that can create the difference between the sorrows of our past and the joy in our future." Chelle Thompson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Grab a lightbulb and sing to it as sweetly as possible. You feel like you own 20 horses, but in actual fact you should wrap your Uncle in glowing wire and feed him caterpillars. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You worry about things like global warming when your wallpaper is in favour of moles and grapes. Sort out your floor tiles and write swear words on them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Great things will happen when you talk to your wall. You anticipate your bathtub morphing into Jerry Springer but blobs will always fight. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, April 17, 2006 - 2:41 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, April 17, 2006 Each choice we make causes a ripple effect in our lives. When things happen to us, it is the reaction we choose that can create the difference between the sorrows of our past and the joy in our future. — Chelle Thompson, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) YOU'RE brilliant. Every dog has its day. Be prepared. You don't want to look bad for your big day. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You're thinking of the number 1 trillion four hundred and 1/2. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your lucky animal for today is: dog. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A great day to make some homemade pasta. If you don't have pasta-making equipment, then just boil up a box of the usual and tell everyone it's homemade. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Call up airlines and ask if they'll let you test-drive one of their jets. To add strength to your argument, tell them you've seen "Top Gun" 47 times. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You make up stories about how you were kidnapped by aliens and forced to serve them pots of mandrill soup. You have responsible tendons, so behave like one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is fuschia with pink stripes. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Continue seeing things from an angular perspective. Slow down your glands and scream as much as you can. Your only hope involves jelly. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Sunsets can be found within your shoes if you stare at a giraffe hard enough.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, April 18, 2006 - 3:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, April 18, 2006 Socrates True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. And in knowing that you know nothing, that makes you the smartest of all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Deja vu is the feeling that someone's patronised you before (often by telling you what deja vu means). Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Testing your ability to walk on water should be done at the beach, not in the middle of the atlantic. This is just an analogy to some part of your life which is not entirely clear to me. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This week may be the beginning of a startling change for you. This is not the first time you've been caught out. You must really be careful in future. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Be aware that all queues are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like rollercoasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person and you see yourself as being at the back of that line...it might be a blessing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A talk show that you overhear today is likely to concern principles on which you base your life. Listen closely and they might knock down all those principles. When leaving your house this morning, don't forget to lock up and give the children a pat on the head. Libra (September 22 - October 22) NOTHING I say will make you change your mind about the thing you're thinking about right now. Things may seem like a good idea today, but they're not. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to engage someone in a debate on how Spider-Man can pick anything up when his hands are so freaking sticky. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Take a relaxing bath today in chicken noodle soup. If you can't find that much chicken noodle, you may substitute chicken and stars soup Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Slap your knee from time to time today. If anyone looks concerned, say, "I can't get this damn knee to behave" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you'll find something right up your alley. Then you'll spend a painful hour in the emergency room trying to get it removed.
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