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Archive through February 06, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2006 Jun. ~ 2006 Dec.: Free Expressions (ARCHIVES): JOKES: Archive through February 06, 2006 users admin

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Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 2:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
See if you can do this:

Read each line aloud:


This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumba*s cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat


Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Sunday, January 22, 2006 - 6:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. He KNOWS not to get between you and the food.

Yup..... Gonna be a bear.


Bandit
Member

07-29-2001

Monday, January 23, 2006 - 2:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bandit a private message Print Post    
Three guys....a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an American engineer are working together one day. They come across a lanteen and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the genie.

The Canadian says "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will be a farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF!

With the blink of the genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

POOOOOOF!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains "Well, it's about 5000 feet tall, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetratable."

The American engineer says to the Genie
"Fill it with water."

Beckyann675
Member

01-06-2006

Monday, January 23, 2006 - 7:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Beckyann675 a private message Print Post    
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did
not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to
maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry . .

Secretsmile
Member

08-19-2002

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 10:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Secretsmile a private message Print Post    
How many msg board members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to demand it be moved to the Lighting section.

2 to argue that it be moved to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group, which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too."

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

4 who will highjack the thread and link lightbulbs to the "gay/neocon/democrat/republican" agenda and the moderator who will move the whole thread.

3 who will point out that the bulb failure was the technique chosen by mother earth to protest the burning of fossil fuel and the besmirchment of our fragile atmosphere.

3 who will say that it was God's will that the light bulb failed, and who are we to question His will? He must have a reason for wanting us to sit in the dark.

1 who jumps to the conclusion that the person disposing of the lightbulb threw it carelessly into the trash bag, where it was crushed it into little pieces, slicing the bag open and innocent children will step on those slivers of glass... and it's careless people like THAT, who shouldn't have light bulbs at all!

And 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Bob2112
Member

06-12-2002

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 11:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bob2112 a private message Print Post    

quote:

Secretsmile
Member

08-19-2002

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 10:58 am
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many msg board members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to demand it be moved to the Lighting section.

2 to argue that it be moved to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group, which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too."

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

4 who will highjack the thread and link lightbulbs to the "gay/neocon/democrat/republican" agenda and the moderator who will move the whole thread.

3 who will point out that the bulb failure was the technique chosen by mother earth to protest the burning of fossil fuel and the besmirchment of our fragile atmosphere.

3 who will say that it was God's will that the light bulb failed, and who are we to question His will? He must have a reason for wanting us to sit in the dark.

1 who jumps to the conclusion that the person disposing of the lightbulb threw it carelessly into the trash bag, where it was crushed it into little pieces, slicing the bag open and innocent children will step on those slivers of glass... and it's careless people like THAT, who shouldn't have light bulbs at all!

And 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again




me too.

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 3:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
How many msg board members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to demand it be moved to the Lighting section.

2 to argue that it be moved to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group, which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too."

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

4 who will highjack the thread and link lightbulbs to the "gay/neocon/democrat/republican" agenda and the moderator who will move the whole thread.

3 who will point out that the bulb failure was the technique chosen by mother earth to protest the burning of fossil fuel and the besmirchment of our fragile atmosphere.

3 who will say that it was God's will that the light bulb failed, and who are we to question His will? He must have a reason for wanting us to sit in the dark.

1 who jumps to the conclusion that the person disposing of the lightbulb threw it carelessly into the trash bag, where it was crushed it into little pieces, slicing the bag open and innocent children will step on those slivers of glass... and it's careless people like THAT, who shouldn't have light bulbs at all!

And 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

and at least 1 to rothlol

Jewels
Member

09-23-2000

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 3:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jewels a private message Print Post    
That is too funny!

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 3:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Julieboo a private message Print Post    
OHMYGAWD!!! That is too flippin' funny!!!!! The sad thing is it sooooo close to being very accurate!!!!!

(What is rothlol?? Roll on the H laugh out loud?)

Bob2112
Member

06-12-2002

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 3:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bob2112 a private message Print Post    
Shouldn't Julieboo's post be moved to the Dumb Question thread?

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 3:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
well, put me in there with her because i don't know what the h stands for either.

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 4:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
I'm not sure why this person needs to change the light bulb anyways...can we discuss this? I mean, was the bulb burned out (which would be the most likely reason to change a bulb)? Perhaps the wattage was too high or too low, and then it makes me wonder why the person who installed the bulb in the first placed used that particular wattage. Was it a borrowed bulb and it had to be returned to the lender?

Oh my goodness, this has me distressed all to heck. Maybe I should go to the "Distressed TVCH members" section.

I'm sorry...

Mak1
Member

08-12-2002

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 4:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mak1 a private message Print Post    
Who's callin' who a dim bulb?

Tabbyking
Member

03-11-2002

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 4:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tabbyking a private message Print Post    
an elegant and nicely dressed woman goes to the pharmacy. she asks the pharmacist for cyanide. the pharmacist asks why she wants it. she says, "i need it to kill my husband."
the shocked pharmacist said, "lady, i am shocked! i cannot sell you a poison for you to commit murder. we would both be responsible. i would lose my license and go to jail, probably forever. sorry, but i cannot do that!"
the lady reaches inside her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
"Oh!" said the pharmacist. "you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Forum_moderator
Moderator

01-01-2004

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 5:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Forum_moderator a private message Print Post    
W A R N I N G


This is a moderated board and name calling of light bulbs - or their family members - will result in the editing or removal of your post.

Please read the steeeeeeeeeeeenkin' rules if you have any questions.

Thank you.



<>


Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 7:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
stupid, stupid, stupid...or as forest gump says stupid is as stupid does. Slappin' my forehead and saying heck I coud've had a V-8.

cripes...not rothlol...should have been rotflol

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 8:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3 Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Eeyoreslament
Member

07-20-2003

Thursday, January 26, 2006 - 9:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Eeyoreslament a private message Print Post    
Why change the light bulb anyways? We can just work in the dark, by the glow of our screens.....

Craven
Member

05-23-2004

Friday, January 27, 2006 - 3:42 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Craven a private message Print Post    
The light bulb had to be changed because they were not through filming the amatuer porn flick

See, there is always at least one to find some correlation between light bulbs and porn

Craven

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 - 6:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
Trophy Wife


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25
year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy
girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

--

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 - 5:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a
few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river
to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the
river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far
and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.
Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a
monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking
a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the
jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!........Dude! How much water
did you drink?!"

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 - 5:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    


Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Friday, February 03, 2006 - 11:45 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every
day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures
and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little
Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and
not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child
psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of
psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed
perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet
everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and
browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful
that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give
Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of
crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are
black and brown!"

Babyruth
Member

07-19-2001

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 12:58 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Babyruth a private message Print Post    
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to
take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could
not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time,
a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by
the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went
ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a
figured we was friends."

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 1:36 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad
and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the
drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you
have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited
to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the
next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life
and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?