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The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2006 Jun. ~ 2006 Dec.: Free Expressions (ARCHIVES): JOKES users admin

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Archive through February 06, 2006Rupertbear25 02-06-06  1:36 pm
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Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 2:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on
the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak
performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged
and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had eight
people rowing and one person steering, while the American team had eight
people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large
amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area
steering superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the
"Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens
for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment,
extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles and cancelled all capital investments for new
equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses, and the
next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 3:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
Rupertbear, sigh, your joke is too true been the rower, lotsa times....

Chaplin
Member

01-08-2006

Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 8:15 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chaplin a private message Print Post    
One of my favourite writers wrote this article. He writes hilarious books too. My favourite being Anguished English.

A Brief History of the World

'The World According to Student Bloopers'

by Richard Lederer

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers through the U.S., from eighth grade through college. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. They Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs. But they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forces the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. the greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had a abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was a success because her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses which proved very fatal to them.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was that the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks were crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time because the Father of our Country. The Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negros citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show by John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a serious state. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. World War I, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in human history.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 3:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
You Know It's Time to Diet When...

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."

- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.

- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.

- You could sell shade.

- Your blood type is Ragu.

- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 7:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    


Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 2:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    


Mizinvanccouver
Member

02-22-2003

Monday, March 20, 2006 - 10:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mizinvanccouver a private message Print Post    
Continuing with doctor jokes...

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"135," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 5:37 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
An old, punny joke! ;)


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Friday, May 19, 2006 - 6:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Brooke, a primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Oakland and trying to make a good Impression on her first day explains to her class that she is a Raiders fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, are Raiders fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Raiders fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Raiders fan, then what is your favorite team?"

"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a 49ers fan ?"

Mary then replied "Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco, and so my mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too !"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then ?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Monday, May 22, 2006 - 11:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
I heard that same joke, but switch Raider fan to John Kerry and 49ers to George Bush.

Supergranny
Member

02-03-2005

Friday, June 02, 2006 - 6:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Supergranny a private message Print Post    
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's mom,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door
hook, if there were one, but there isn't - - so you carefully, but
quickly, drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if
you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The
Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the EMPTY toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
hear your mom's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs
shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than
your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of
the toilet. "OCCUPIED!" you scream, as you reach for the door dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly on the TOILET SEAT. It is
wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom
has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there
was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
the to toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that
point, you give up. You are soaked by the spewing water and the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

Now, you can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile
politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it into the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom
(REST??? - You've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex
under the door.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Friday, June 02, 2006 - 6:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
ROTFLMBO!!!!

Been there, done that!

Jhonise
Member

07-10-2003

Friday, June 02, 2006 - 7:47 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jhonise a private message Print Post    
Supergranny, you owe me a new keyboard!!!

That made me laugh so hard.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Friday, June 02, 2006 - 2:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Maris a private message Print Post    
Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says The woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Goddessatlaw
Member

07-19-2002

Saturday, June 03, 2006 - 11:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Goddessatlaw a private message Print Post    
Chaplin, the Student Bloopers essay made me laugh out loud multiple times. Thanks for posting it.

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Friday, June 09, 2006 - 6:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 12:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
Marketing Translations Gone Wrong

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, in to Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

Chaplin
Member

01-08-2006

Sunday, October 22, 2006 - 3:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chaplin a private message Print Post    
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Rosie
Member

11-12-2003

Wednesday, October 25, 2006 - 6:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rosie a private message Print Post    
Tickle Me Elmo:


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which
makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it
under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.


The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and
begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see
this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When
they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's
all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the
line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave
you yesterday..."


"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

Hukdonreality
Member

09-29-2003

Monday, November 27, 2006 - 7:32 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Hukdonreality a private message Print Post    
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America. Here are phrases people actually said in court, word for word, then published for the record by court reporters. Can you imagine these reporters remaining calm and stone faced when these verbal exchanges took place.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh....
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Chaplin
Member

01-08-2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 5:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chaplin a private message Print Post    
Christmas Jokes:

A Letter From The North Pole:


Just to keep you updated ......

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the reindeer early retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the direct-channel gift distribution and logistics markets.

Other direct distributors, like cable television home shopping and mail order catalogues, have diminished Santa's market share. The North Pole could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a silk replica, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

- The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose egg it gets will be a good one.

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-managing, a-marketing, or a-MISing.

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Members of Congress. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Members this year.

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Chaplin
Member

01-08-2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 5:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chaplin a private message Print Post    
Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your bacon every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties.

I hate to break it to ya Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. Have you ever smelled plastic burning?

These are my demands for Christmas 2006:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy-toy Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher don't cut it. I want to make real money.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
10. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 39 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you you don't like it you can find yourself a new for next Christmas. It's that simple. As ever,

Barbie

Chaplin
Member

01-08-2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 5:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chaplin a private message Print Post    
12 Days Of Christmas Joke:

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank
you.

Your deeply loving Emily.

Beloved Edward, Dec 26

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always, Emily.

My darling Edward, Dec 27

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much;
they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 28

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect
they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 29

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid
none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you, Emily.

Dear Edward, Dec 30

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily.

Edward, Dec 31

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to
say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily.

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Emily.

Look here, Edward, Jan 2

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with
nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily.

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties
with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this
last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Emily

Jan 5

Sir,

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep Attorney at law.