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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 7:20 am
#1 on my list is that he have a job and can support himself. Mind you, I am not looking for someone to support me, but as part of my plan to no longer be a caregiver, I refuse to support anyone other than my son.
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 8:16 am
I think we each look for something different in a mate depending upon the experiences we have already had in life. Native wants a man who can support himself (a decent job), Newman's put sex first on his list (and it helps if she cooks, LOL), Chewpito wants a strong independent guy (at least I think that's what she said, LOL). For me, I've already done my time, cooking, cleaning, supporting, and just completely taking care of someone else. I don't need a man to pay my bills, provide me with a nice home or car. I do that on my own. I don't want a lazy butt that sees me as a meal ticket, moving into my home and me providing all for him. No sir. Not again. I would like someone who is at least an equal on a financial and self confidence level, is able to do things with me (good health), and is honest, dependable, kind, thoughtful, fun, intelligent.......you know.......perfect! LOL I just don't want to be somebody's cook, cleaner, laundry gal and financial supporter. I have already done that. I want someone to be my partner to enjoy life now. To go to dinner, movies, vacation or just sit at home (his or mine) and watch tv and cuddle. It wouldn't hurt if he could hit the target and make my eyes roll back in my head once in awhile (or all the time), either! LOL WELL, I CAN DREAM, CAN'T I 
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 8:38 am
Oh yeah, I'm not doing the garden thing again either. No canning food all night long, no more making my own spaghetti sauce, no more, no more, no more. LOL
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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 8:49 am
Jeep, exactly. At least an equal.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 10:08 am
Dogdoc, I wasn't numbering things in order of importance. Sex came up first because, well, it's sex. Men are supposed to think of sex first, aren't we? As a Baby Boomer, though, I might put good conversation first. When you're 56 you don't think of sex every 8 seconds like you do when you're 26 (generalizing here, from my male point of view). Loved your stream of consciousness blast, Chewpito. That caretaker/nurturer trait is a big part of you...and Glenn, for example. You can't stifle what is YOU, can you? But the main thing I hear from you is that you don't want your next S.O. to need to be taken care of, like a child. Same as NT is saying. Is having a job so much to ask?? I don't think so. I think I'm looking for equality, basically. That 50/50 ideal, whatever that is. It's the feeling that I want to call her up, can't wait to call her and talk with her, to be with her, to go to a movie with her, and then talk about it over dinner. I don't want to raise a new family. Not really interested in helping HER finish raising hers either, but that might be ok. You know if I find someone who has never married, has never had kids, I start to wonder "what's wrong with her?" Is she selfish? She's in her 50s and she's never been with someone? To me that has more red flags than someone divorced with kids. At least the latter has tried and failed. Just like me...
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 10:15 am
I've never been married. I've never lived with anyone except for my son. I have always been very independent and have had a lot going on in my life that I really didn't make time for a relationship. I have a wonderful relationship now and am very happy. I think it's about finding the right person who fits. Someone who wants the same things as you, someone to have fun with, to rely on, to love. I would also put sex first on my list because, well it's sex. 
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 11:35 am
Jeep made me laugh, she dosent want to cook,clean,do laundry.....Im laughing only because I think that I "wouldnt" want to do that any more eather....But..If I was in a relationship..I can almost picture me now..getting excited about what im making for dinner..folding his tees/boxer-briefs with care...and whistling while I vacuam the house...Im sick that way.. I think I do love caring for a man....But only if he returns the favor in kind.... I do want a strong Independent man..that knows hes a man, and remembers Im a woman...I enjoy the differances.. Trust is important or like vacanick said, someone you can rely on.....and sex is huge...a good tickle fight that leads to the bed,floor,table...it dosent matter...well thats just the best... Im still a firm believer that laughter is the key to a good relationship...when two people can laugh togeather...well enough said..but thats just me..
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 11:56 am
Chewpito, if I find that man, I'll send him your way! LOL I just want to do the minimum of those things now. I over did it before, always wanting to take pride in my cooking, cleaning, etc. and I found out it wasn't appreciated. And I had to do all those things twice, since I was taking care of mom and her home. Big burn out. I guess I wouldn't mind cooking a nice dinner once in a while.....I am a good cook, but I hate to be rushed doing it. I make a mean Thanksgiving dinner, but it takes me all week to do it! LOL And I love the idea of a tickle fight! I can't ever remember doing that with the ex. He was pretty much a dud in the humor dept. I guess the bottom line is that I want the rest of my life to be pleasant and fun. Starting out young with the ex, we worried about money, working extra to get ahead, getting a home, all the usual stuff. Then came the sick parents and even tho we had what we had worked for for years, we were still tied down. Knowing it was temporary (they were very old and we don't live forever) was enough for me, but not the ex). So now I want my next relationship to be as stress free as possible. Just fun. At 50, how many years are left....20? And good health? Who knows? I want to make the best of it while I still can. I can still hear my mom tell me that if she had her life to do over again, she would have had more fun and less work. It really made me think.
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:12 pm
Jeep, I believe it's all about your attitude. If you live a happy, healthy life you'll attract happy, healthy people. I agree with your mom as well ... it's also about priorities. Making time to have that fun, pushing things aside that may cause stress. There came a time for me when I decided to put myself first, not that I don't still care for others but not at my expense. That's when I met my BF. 
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:17 pm
Dangnabit Newman. You did it again. I have never been married and have never had kids BUT there is nothing wrong with me and I am not selfish. I try lots of things but just because marriage has not been one of them doesn't mean I have something wrong with me. I know a lot of men think that way and even though I try not to let an opinion like that bother me it does. We are still friends though Newman because I know you would never say that directly to a woman and you are just stating how you feel.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:24 pm
Well, I have to admit that if I met a man who had never been married, my first thought would be "what's wrong with him?" My second thought would probably be, "He escaped!" Just sayin' that the stigma lots of folks place on those who have never married goes towards both men and women. First on my list is humor. If you can't laugh at yourself and find joy in small things around you, then you're probably not the person for me. I'm the type that will be driving down the road and see something I think is pretty and break out in a big old grin over how wonderful life is. (Not that I don't have my dark days, too.)
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:24 pm
Jeep, I understood both of your posts, and could relate almost to the tee.. I dont want to be forced to do those things, I want to do them because I care about someone and Im assuming hes caring for me back.. me whistling while I clean and stuff would just be an indicater that I was happy...and that is really all I want..to be happy....I guess ive got a little bit of Wargod in me...just an older version..lol. Having a flash back of a thanksgiving dinner that I worked hard on and S/O came rolling in around 11pm drunk off his butt...well, the dumpster got the meal and the doors were bolted shut and he slept in the truck... That was a unhappy memory, and one I would not repeat. Just like you Jeep, I want to spend the rest of my days as happy and stress free as possible, but I think as the road is traveled- potholes will pop up, and some repair work will be required..working togeather fixing things as they come up will keep it a smoother ride...
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:25 pm
a lot of friends and family thought there was something wrong with me because i got divorced at age 30 and didn't remarry until age 42. there was't and there isn't. i just didn't want to remarry. i was perfectly happy the way things were while i was single those 12 years. and, dh's family & friends thought there was something wrong with him because he didn't marry or live with anyone until he was 40 (that's me). in fact, when we announced our engagement some of his friends told him they were thrilled because they were tired of defending dh as being gay. dh gay? hell no! but, some folks will think what folks want to even if there is nothing to base it on but their personal experiences regardless of the FACTS. if those folks would take the time to learn the facts (though it might not be any of the business anyway) a lot of heartache could be avoided.
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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:38 pm
Cheryl, that is a great point! I believe there are far too many people in this world who are content with making assumptions about others. They don't bother to get the facts. And because of that, a lot of heartache does occur which could be avoided very easily if we would learn to listen to each other and find out truly what is going on. I know, for me, people assume things about me all of the time. Others are constantly thinking I can't do this or I can't do that! That tends to drive me up a wall! I have done this and I have done that and I will continue to as long as I can.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:45 pm
I know what you've done and you ought to be ashamed Baby. <Grin> Actually, I really like what CND wrote. Great Post. Baby, those folks are the ones missing out on getting to know some wonderful people.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:56 pm
no one ever came up to dh while he was single and asked him if he was gay. no one came up to dh while he was single and asked him why he had not married. instead a lot of assumptions were made and talked about behind his back. all of this came to light when we became engaged. dh's feelings were hurt and i don't blame him. me, no one asked me why i hadn't remarried or why i was still single. if they had i would have told them i was happy with myself and that it was none of their business. but, that is just me and it didn't happen. instead a lot of assumptions were made. family and friends assumed i was damaged goods. they assumed that i was a beiotch and no one could stand to live with me (that one may be true LOL). assumptions, not facts. i don't wonder why someone isn't married or haven't ever married. if the topic comes up i will ask them pointblank. they can either tell me or tell me it is none of my business. because it really isn't any of my business why someone lives the way they do. i'm not living with them so why should i care so much unless they ask me to do so?
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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 12:58 pm
You are very silly, Kearie! I certainly do agree with you. We ALL have our limitations in life. And if we let other's limitations keep us from getting to know them, well, that is just too bad.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:01 pm
another good response i have found when someone asks me a personal question is: why do you need to know?
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:02 pm
People also assume if you've been married and divorced more than twice something is wrong with you. That isn't always the case either. Like Cnd said...better to ask then assume.
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:17 pm
Just while we are on the topic of what other people ask, I use to hate when people would ask me "why did you only have one child" like that was a crime...I love having my "one child" and I knew what I could handle and what would have been to much to handle....any way,that question used to drive me nuts....
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:28 pm
Try hearing "Why don't you have any kids?" all the time. Uh, because I couldn't, but it's really none of your beeswax! SOmetimes I feel like saying something like, "Because I chose not to contribute to the ongoing demise of the earth by adding to the ever-burgeoning population of human beings." Seriously, though, people always try to categorize other people. All of us do it, even when we try not to. Try looking at someone and NOT wondering what their gender is. (Remember the "It's Pat!" skits on SNL?) I never realized how much my mind jumps to that first categorization until I had a friend who was transgender and always got stared at wherever we went as people tried to figure it out.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:29 pm
Some people you meet have a habit of assuming that everyone wants what they want. For example, if they have children they can't understand why everyone doesn't want to have children. If they don't have children they can't understand why anyone wants children. It seems very hard for people to accept that other people's values and priorities may be different from theirs. I don't think I'm shy but I would never consider asking someone why they aren't married, why they don't have children, why they are divorced or whatever. Also the gay question comes up all the time if you are getting older and haven't found the right person. I can't believe how personal people will get.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:31 pm
Chewpito -- I hear the similar "when are you going to have another one" because we all know you can't just have one kid and be happy, right! I just tell them "this one's enough for me." As a single mother by choice I do get some ignorant questions at times and I always try to give the asker the benefit of the doubt and assume they are not trying to be rude, they are just misinformed and this is my opportunity to educate them to a different view. When I was still dating I always wondered why a middle aged guy had never married -- and I was a middle aged woman who'd never married! We probably all need reminders to get to know people before judging them on such superficial stuff, but when you're in a dating situation where you have 15 minutes to make an impression, those superficial things have so much weight. Unfair or not, that's how it seems to work.
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:34 pm
Baby,You reminded me of a guy I dated over 30+yrs ago, He lost both hands and arms above the elbow in a explosion while working on his car.. we were all pritty young back then..life went on.. but I just wanted to say, there was nothing that he couldnt do...He was darn handy for a handless guy...LOL.. and I am still friends with him to this day, he has a great wife and 3children and he does every thing.... It wouldnt surprize me the least at what you could do baby, and I would never make assumptions about you, ever...or any one for that matter..
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:36 pm
Max, I think that would have been a great answer,....great comeback...next time..do it!!
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