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Archive through April 01, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through April 01, 2006 users admin

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Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 10:44 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Too much coffee this morning. I really appreciate you people. I know I've said that before but I'm saying it again.

(Found out last night that my older son is going to Iraq next year. Marine reserves. Artillery. ugh...Phoned the Ex about it. Sigh. This does tie in with giving advice. Taking advice. )

And this process too. Sitting down, alone with my thoughts, sharing them, reading feedback, reading other people's thoughts, my online community...

I went to an over 50s dating group thing last night. Gave it a try. Thought the friend who recommended it would be there. He stood me up. Felt trapped. Tried to make water cooler chat with strange women. They wouldn't talk American Idol. No Grey's Anatomy fans. Nothing coming back. This won't work for me. I fled!

What does it say when writing in this online community is more rewarding than trying to meet new people in real life? It says this experience, right here, what we do right here and now, feels good, works, fills a void, matters.


Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 10:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Ahhh Newman ... sorry about last night but I love your positivity about our online community! Keep looking the right dating group will come along!

NT ... just curious how old is your son?? My son is 9 and sympathizes with his father as well. It kills me because I know the truth. I'm at the point that I say "oh that's too bad" and change the subject.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 10:54 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
I think when I asked for advice, at the beginning of this thread, it was in the hope that somehow I missed something. "Oh, I never thought of that, good idea!" One of those light bulb moments that rarely happen.

Kids look for approval. Does that ever stop? My oldest will be 30 in June. He knows I can't stand Bush and the war in Iraq. Yet he re-upped in the Marines, against my advice, and told me that it was a "noble cause" what we're doing in Iraq, which I think is Republican brainwashing.

I kept my mouth shut.

Let's recap. Your kid asks for advice. You give it. They ignore. You love them anyway. Why do I have that sardonic smile on my face? Or is it a sad smile? Or not a smile at all??

We have so little control of events in life. That's why I like draft day in fantasy baseball so much. I can somewhat control who I pick from the pool of players, in an intense competition against my opponents. I make mistakes. I make some good choices too. I laugh. Life goes on. Nobody dies...


Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 11:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Dogdoc, "love your kids no matter what they do", that's the key for me. Words. Of course I don't approve of everything THEY do. Then again, I don't approve of everything I DO either! Unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval.

Vacanick, I can relate. I try not to say bad things about my EX, and usually don't talk to the kids at all about her. I think enough time has passed where I can look for something positive to say about her. She does CARE about the kids. That's one thing!

Wargod, I think that's the frustration. I'm upset that my oldest put himself in harm's way by re-upping in the Marines, and soon to be off to Iraq. Against my advice. He knows I still care about him. I guess that's all a parent can do. They have to live their own lives, make their own choices, their own mistakes. It's hard for me to feel happy about it right now though, and then for a whole year when he's over there I'll be worried sick.

Kearie, you're just a better person than I am. Or maybe I'm just a control freak. Well, it's only been a day now, for me, with this news. Still, a major thing, like breast implants or volunteering for Iraq, it's hard to be happy! I don't approve. Bad choices.

Calming down...everyone who goes to Iraq doesn't get killed and everyone who gets implants doesn't have problems. I know, I know, but...


Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 11:30 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Merrysea and NT and Cndeariso and others have talked about the EX problem. I would say this cliche, for me. "Time heals all wounds."

It used to be that I would always get into huge fights with my Ex, over the phone. No way the call could end peacefully.

It's been 9 years now. She's remarried. Living in a different state. Last night I couldn't get her OFF the phone. She couldn't stop talking, happily. Why couldn't she have been this nice when we were living together?

Maybe I should have just dated her. Maybe we're just both control freaks, have to have everything our way, don't know how to compromise?

9 years of time, and both worrying about our son going to Iraq, well, it was nice that we could be civil to each other, or even nice to each other on the phone. (I still blame her for everything, lol.
Forgiveness is not one of my strong suits.)

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 11:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
Newman, just remember that forgiveness is not something that you do for her, it's something that you do for yourself. It doesn't mean that what she did was all right, or that you now trust her, or anything like that. It just means that you want to release a burden off of yourself. You don't even have to tell her that you forgive her. I've found that in forgiving someone, I just release the hold they have over me, and let go of the anger. It doesn't mean I won't still talk about it with others , just that I'm no longer letting something eat at me. I won't put myself back into the same position to be hurt again, but I've stopped the past from continuing to hurt me. Does that make sense?

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 11:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Merrysea, that's exactly correct! Perfectly put!

I forgave my son's father a couple of years ago and it was like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders. And it wasn't me that did it, I could care less at that time if I was bitter and angry. It was a higher power, I believe that.

But that doesn't mean that I want to be friends with him or even like him. Seeing or talking to him makes me want to vomit. But it does mean that I can move on with my life and not be consumed with hateful thoughts of running him over or being drawn into worthless arguments.

I'm glad I forgave him. I told him so. The rest is up to him.

Newman, I'm sorry about your son having to go to Iraq. I wish that none of our son's or daughters had to be there!

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Merrysea, it makes sense. Just doesn't apply to me. I don't think of my Ex, on a conscious level, anymore. What's done is done. We couldn't figure it out.

I regret marrying her. I want those years back. I wish it was l987 and I was 37 again. Well, that ain't going to happen.

It's not a burden. It's not eating at me anymore. Like I said, 9 years has healed the wounds. I won't forgive but I also don't think about her. Does that make sense?

Vacanick, I don't feel a huge weight on my shoulders. I hardly ever think about my Ex now. Again, I didn't APPROVE of her behavior when we were living together, married. Nothing can be done about it now. I don't think of it anymore. Water under the bridge.

V, when you say the rest is up to him, what are you expecting? I have NO expectations from my Ex. None. I don't want to get back with her even if I could (she's remarried). I would never trust her again. She probably feels the same about me. We were a bad fit.


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
If you don't think of the ex they why do you keep bringing her up?

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
I used to try to make things work out with me and my son's father for my son's sake. No matter how much trouble he caused, I tried to get along and make things right. I picked up a lot of his messes. I carried a lot of his burden. I thought I was doing the right thing but I wasn't. I am only accountable for myself. What he does, how he handles any situation, every time he falls short ... it's on him.

That's what I mean by the rest is up to him.

Unfortunately we have a 9 year old son so our lives are still very tied.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Newman, when you ask for advice, do you expect someone to tell you what to do? Or do you ask for advice looking for new ideas that might work. for you.

Do you ask for advice from one person, or several?
Who's advice do you take? if anyone's.

Think about how you handle taking and asking for advice and I think you will get realistic insight as to how other people, kids or not, view advice and THEIR reasons for asking.

Newman, I'm not a better person, that's silly. I'm just different. ArReal and I have a really special relationship. Her being an only child...me being a single mom. Three step-dads in and out of her life. And my mental health issues. We have talked alot. She knows my issues and I know hers. She's hurt me and I've hurt her.

I know she listens to my advice whether or not she takes it. (I've heard her giving her friends advise I gave her...but she ignored) I trust in the future she will look back and say implants weren't the wisest choice. She'll recall me advising her against it.

I don't think too many kids are all that bright in their early 20's. I wasn't!!!

I'll send up many prayers for your son's safety.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 1:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Vacanick, my son is 11. He knows his dad lies and cannot be depended on for anything, but he still loves him.

Forgiveness - I don't know that I've forgiven him yet. I don't hate him today. That would require energy I'm not wasting on him. However there are moments, such as when he put himself between me and my car a couple of months ago and wouldn't let me leave while he was screaming in my face. Oh, yeah, if I had a big stick... I hate things he forced my son to hear and see. A good example would be after I kicked him out, he made my then 10 year old son sit beside me while he raved on and on and informed me that any man I became involved with would just be using me to jack off in. Or telling my son that I didn't want him or love him. Or the custody battle he forced me and my son to endure so he could torture me and get child support. And some of you who went on that journey with me know that doesn't even scratch the surface.

When I sometimes feel myself starting to rehash those nightmares, I have to remind myself that it's over and my son is safe with me and I have the court order to show it. And, somehow, despite ex's best efforts, it appears that my influence over my son is stronger than his.

Newman, I will pray for your son. My step-son joined the Navy last fall and will begin training missions in September for deployment to the Gulf next spring. I have a feeling this next year is going to pass all too quickly. Many people faulted him for joining during wartime (particularly this war) but he wants to serve his country and I support him in that. What really amazes me is that when I talked to him on the phone the other night, it dawned on me that this wasn't the little 7-yr-old boy I met when his dad and I got together, but somehow between the time he left for boot camp in September and now has become a grown man. Luckily, his mother's influence also beat out the ex's.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 2:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Maris a private message Print Post    
Newman, I think it is better that your son believe in what he is doing when he goes to Iraq. Imagine how painful it would be if he didnt believe in the cause and had to go over there. All you can do is give him your support and let him know that no matter what you will be there for him.

I agree that it is pointless to burden someone with telling them you think they are making a mistake. Just hope for the best. My best wishes to your son.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 4:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Newman, not to belabor a point but going to dog parks and dog walking are great ways to meet peopele. (Have you found "Racer" yet?). Another thing, although dogs cannot read they wrote the book on unconditional love. I don't know what I would do without my dog to come home to.

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 5:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
oh, and newman, it is a proven fact that babies and dogs are babe magnets! uh, unless the dog bites.

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 6:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Oh Newman, I can feel your pain about going to the singles thing. Ughhh! I would have made a hasty exit too....I have on many an occasion (and I normally go with friends, so I know someone!) They can be so uncomfortable. But sometimes you happen to find a great group that you can relate to, so I advise you to keep giving things like that a try. I went to a concert last night with some friends and really had not wanted to go....I was tired and the idea of sitting on my couch appealed to me. But I dragged myself there and had a wonderful time. Saw a lot of people there that I knew and met some new people (small venue...beach music.....so very social.) No dateable men, but I did meet a hairdresser who is cramming me into her schedule tomorrow for a cut because my regular stylist can't do it until next week and I am meeting a new client for the first time on Monday. A success!

I am sorry about your son going to Iraq. Maris had some wise words. I know it is especially difficult with your political views, but I think you know that now is not the time to share those with him. Instead focus on him and not on the other stuff. The greatest gifts you can give him before he goes over there are a clear mind and the knowledge that he is loved.

Oh, and I agree with all of the comments that were given before. You should never give advice if you can't give it without restrictions. Each of us has that great ability to choose and should be free and clear to choose what works best for us. You know you don't take every bit of advice people give you....you can't expect someone else to take all of yours. And I don't think that mindset comes naturally....at least for me that is something I had to cultivate in myself!!!!

Jeep, I put in our men order. I said men who are faithful, kind, fun, smart, have a job and cherish us. How's that? Start watching that ceiling!

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 7:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
Newman, isn't it frustrating when you go to meet people and they just don't speak your language or share even the trivial parts of your life? (like Grey's Anatomy, etc.)

I find when I get together with TVCH people there is that instant bond.. like sitting in a Mongolian Barbeque with Costacat, Stilllurking, Zachsmom and all immediately agreeing that "Eric has to go".. this was during BB last summer and soon, Eric DID go) or being at Downtown Disney with Meggie, Michael, Zachy, Bill, Pamy, Dylan and Princess Grace and having Costacat call Meggie to tell her that Kaysar was nominated.. again.. we shared our angst.

I can get some people to talk about Grey's or American Idol but many others just return a blank stare

I suspect I'd want to flee.

A 72 year old friend, whose children live out of state, said people had invited her for Thanksgiving but she didn't know them well and her feeling was "It is better to be alone than to WANT to be alone". (I think normally she'd have gone to family in La Jolla or Riverside but they all went skiing or to Mexico).

As for your son, well I can imagine you ARE feeling like he didn't listen to you, but I'm also imagining you are quite concerned for his safety. I'll add him to my list of people to think about/pray for.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 9:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Love that quote, Seamonkey, "tis better to be alone than to WANT to be alone!" I so relate to that. I hate that trapped feeling. I don't know if I'll try that exact group again. Maybe it would have been different if I had a beer right away (ok, it's a crutch, but I need beer in these kinds of strange situations. it helps me find the humor in it if nothing else. Helps me relax too).

My older son knows very well my politics. He knows that I am very opposed to this war and Bush. I was mostly in shock when he told me the news. Still am. He knows I love and care about him very much (at least I hope he does). Sadly I'm one of these men who find it hard to sling the L word around very often. Another failing...

I wasn't about to go into one of my political rants with him. No point in that as Maris wrote.

Dogdoc, I had no idea you vet types had such well developed senses of humor. And please don't belabrador the point anymore. I haven't found "Racer" yet. Although I might watch this video I taped long ago, "Best in Show" tonite, to help me escape my stresses.

Mocha, is it clear to you now why I bring my Ex up so often? Just like the others, when they talk about their exes, if you have kids with your Ex, well, that's something you share forever. Even though my older son is going to be 30 in June, he's still our son, we both care about him, and worry about him.



Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 9:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Kearie, the advice thing is complex. Usually now, when I ask for advice in general, well, I'm hoping for that lightbulb experience. Hadn't thought of that. Good idea. Thanks. That sort of thing.

Unfortunately, being a Baby Boomer and being extremely smart as well <that's supposed to come across as humor> most advice I hear I've naturally heard of before or thought of before myself.

Now with technical things, like connecting my new printer, my ears would be wide open. In areas that I'm not an expert <I know, there are so few> well, I'd be extremely ready and willing to take advice.

Let's face it. It's a lot more fun to give advice than to take it. Shouldn't our kids take our advice? We are, afterall, the parents. We love them. Want whats best for them. We're older and wiser. It's for their own good!

I think what I've taken away from this whole topic is to try hard NOT to give unsolicited advice. But I love giving advice. I have so much of it to give <grin>.


Glenn
Member

07-05-2003

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 9:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Glenn a private message Print Post    
The question for you to dream about tonight Newman is why...........why do you love giving advice and is it really a bad thing.

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 9:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
Well, Newman, you just flung the L word and I assume you are still alive and kicking.. I see no scorched earth in this direction.. of course I'm kidding a bit and I know where you are coming from because I used to live there, too.. but I'd say.. fling fling fling in the case of your son, in this part of his life. This isn't about politics, at this point.. it isn't about butting heads.. he's going and I don't think either one of you wants to have regrets..

(just my thoughts, of course, and easier for me to say, sitting here, I know).

Best in Show is actually pretty funny (I don't usually like that sort of comedy and watched it in one of those situations where you really cannot avoid it.. was staying with a family and they insisted on pulling it out and watching it). Crazy as it seems, there really are people THAT intense in the "dog show game". (and lots of great people who love dogs, as well).

Oldtex
Member

03-06-2006

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 10:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Oldtex a private message Print Post    
Newman, I like your sense of humor! One question, did you always take your parents advice? If not, did you think...hmm, maybe they were right sometimes? I know I didn't always take my parents advice. If I had, I wouldn't have married my dh when I did. But we've been married 41 yrs! Yep, I was 16 and dh was 18. Too young? Of course! But we have grown up together, traveled all over the country, built and paid for 2 homes and are looking forward to retirement in a few more years.

Do we argue? Of course, that's normal. Do we push each other's buttons? You bet! Do we know how to compromise and forgive? Yep! All of the normal married "stuff" you go through.

One day I'd like to write a book...but don't think most people would believe all we have been through together. We actually think we are grownup now!LOL

I know we beat the odds, but that's the way it turned out. We even mentioned divorce ONCE, but could not agree on who would get the one and only TV we had at the time! But we have mellowed over the years and have just figured things out on our own. Neither one of us had parents that were much help.

Regrents...no children and adoption didn't work out...wish I had taken a picture of each car we ever owned (sounds silly) since we had about 20 cars...regret we didn't save more money and had made better financial decisions. But no one ever offered advice to us!

I know I am rambling, and love reading this site since most are from the same generation.

BTW, I'm living in Bush country, but he really does not have many supporters around here. He's here tonight, so we have to listen to the fighter jets fly overhead 'protecting' our Prez. LOL

Newman, you know we all have to live and learn, I know you want the best for your children. You seem to have a good soul. Just keep in mind that there are alot of people here that will be keeping your son in their thoughts, prayers or whatever one's belief is.

I really did get off tract...sorry...go back and read by first paragraph as that was the original idea of this long and perhaps boring post!

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Saturday, April 01, 2006 - 9:01 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
My mom is the verbal and logical parent and my dad is the action parent. My dad has never been good with the L word and will usually only say it when it's said to him first but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loves his family because he demonstrates it in a multitude of other ways. He was the one who came running when ex took my son. He was the one who held me and cried with me when the dumbest judge in the history of he universe gave temp custody to the ex. He was the one who cried at the mention of my great-niece's name when she was hospitalized earlier this year. And my parents are my only dependable support system for my son.

Have I ever missed not hearing the words from my dad? Sure. But I've learned it can be more important to see it than hear it. After all, I was married to the ex for 11 years of hell and he told me every day that he loved me more than anything in the world.

As for me, my son and I tell each other "I love you" several times a day. My 11-year-old will even hug me and tell me he loves me in front of his friends. He did try to act macho at school one day when I tried to hug him but before I left he ran up and hugged me. Hopefully, he will maintain his ability to say it, as well as show it, as he matures.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Saturday, April 01, 2006 - 9:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Newman, it's also important not to expect others to always take your advice. They are just looking for a lightbulb too.

HUGS

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, April 01, 2006 - 12:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Good point Kearie. Hugs back. (This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry didn't want to kiss hello everyone in his apt. building. So let's stop the hugging right now, ok? It could get out of hand.)

Oldtex, that's a good one. I strangely don't recall any advice my parents ever gave me. Hmmm...And regrets? Another good baby boomer topic. I wish I hadn't gotten married to who I picked. I wish I would have put more effort into that project (finding the perfect mate). Also wish I had put more effort into finding the right job for me too. But I was a dreamer type person. Those people have a hard time focusing on projects some time. WE need time and energy and space to dream.

Glenn, I think I like giving advice so much because I want to be helpful. I gather a lot of info everyday, listening to radio. Most people don't have that opportunity. I think it's my duty to help out my fellow planet mates...so we can have a better world.

NT, I think showing it is more important than saying it. Who wants to hear empty words, like the I love you coming from your ex? Of course we all want the whole shebang, but actions speak louder than words.