Author |
Message |
Wendo
Member
08-07-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 1:06 pm
I read an article at the Today Show's website a few weeks back that giving unsolicited advice is one way to damage a friendship. Unless advice is asked for, people want their friends to listen and be supportive; not tell them what they're doing wrong. It was a good article and it's what I try to follow too.
|
Suz
Member
10-13-2005
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 2:13 pm
I need to remember not to give unsolicited advice to my grown children and family. Oh....that is so hard though, because I want to make things better for them. Like you said, sometimes they don't want to hear advice, only want someone to listen. Sometimes advice given is not the best thing for them, although I might think so.
|
Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 3:20 pm
I had a friend who was clearly an alcoholic (mickeys in her desk, wet lunches only, etc.) and she drove her car recklessly, quite scary to be in the car with her. I only rode with her once - NEVER again. She had a daughter who was about 8 at the time, and I told my friend to be careful with her drinking and not to drive drunk, especially since she has a child. Never heard from her again. And she was also one of my editors. Oh well. Do I regret opening my big mouth. No but only because of the kid. If she didn't have a kid, and I knew she really didn't value my friendship, and saw me only as a freelancer, I would keep my big mouth shut. In other words, I'm bitter, but at least I said the right thing due to the circumstances. Maybe it made her stop and think. Who knows? And if anything ever happens to her - or her child (heaven forbid) cuz of drinking and driving, well, my words will resound in her ears forever! I hate getting punished for caring. It just sucks.
|
Rabbit
Animoderator
08-12-2001
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 3:45 pm
I will give my children unsolicited and unwanted advice until I have moved in with them and been a burden to them for 25 years. At that point we will call it even. As one of them is pre-spending her inheritance from not only me, but Granny Hare and Grandmama Fruitbat as well, she can't afford to silence me.
|
Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 3:54 pm
Mame, not only was she putting her child at risk, she was putting other people at risk. I believe if someone is doing something that could result in harm to other people, you have an obligation to speak up. The other night I told my niece that she should probably lower the mattress on her baby's crib as Alyssa is starting to try to sit up and the mattress is as high as it can be set. She looked at me and said "I have had another baby you know" and my mom defended her. I told them fine let the baby fall out of the crib. After she thought about it, my mom apologized.
|
Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:22 pm
Parents get a free pass for unsolicited advice cause you have to listen to them.
|
Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:24 pm
My mother was more of the silent type, didn't offer much of any advice along the way to growing up. She was very good; however, at saying, "I told you so."
|
Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:49 pm
Mame, I was in a similar situation once. My friend was drunk and going to pick up her child at the day care center. I called the center from a pay phone and warned them. When she got there, the police were in the parking lot waiting. They arrested her before she could go and get her child. It was a real wake up call for her, and she got some help. I still feel guilty about making that call anonymously, but am glad that it did what it needed to.
|
Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:53 pm
I think one of thing to watch is how you offer the advice. Don’t offer it in an accusatory way that implies that the person is doing something wrong. It has to be subtle. But then again some people are so defensive it is next to impossible to offer anything without it being taken the wrong way. ETA: It takes courage and initiative to do something like that Karunna.
|
Rabbit
Animoderator
08-12-2001
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 4:59 pm
And what's wrong with the way I give my kids advice Jimmer!!!! They respond better to accusations 'cause dagnabit they’re wrong!!!

|
Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 5:24 pm
I always welcome advice from my friends....I never feel that because someone gives me advice that I have to take it, however. To me that is what often causes rifts in friendships...when people get mad because you don't do what they recommend. Even if I ask someone for their opinion, it does not mean I plan to act on it. Sometimes I want to see if you have some input I haven't considered that may sway my opinion. Sometimes that opinion doesn't change my mind... or sometimes it is compelling, but my gut still tells me to do something else. I will always reserve the right to make the final decision! And win or lose, I will always accept the responsibility and consequences of my actions. Which brings up something else....people's negative reactions to us do not always mean we are wrong. They can overeact because of other things that have gone on in their life, it can mean that they are not ready to face the truth, or it can mean that they are embarrassed by whatever you brought to their attention. Sometimes in doing the right thing, we are going to offend. We have to decide what price we are willing to pay to do the right thing. Whatever opinion you hold, no matter how right you may be, there will be someone who will disagree with it. That seems to be a law of human nature. We need to examine our own hearts, and if we are coming from a pure place, we need to be kind to ourselves. And we need to be patient with our friends (and ourselves) and not let our feelings be too tender when dealing with each other. There are days that I am just out of sorts and thankfully my friends either make fun of me, roll their eyes at me, or avoid me and the next time we see each other it is all forgotten.
|
Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 5:24 pm
LOL - of course you are right Rabbit. Aren't Dads always right? My girls are already rolling their eyes at me when I tell them about how it was "When I was a little boy". I figured I might as well give them a head start at ignoring my advice so I'll be better prepared for their teenage years. 
|
Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 8:32 pm
WEll, Rabbit has an advantage. If the kids refuse to go to their room, he can grab 'em by the scruff of the neck (right behind the ears) and TAKE them there! 
|
Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 9:22 pm
I think with this particular friend, I'm going to try to be different. Agghhh, couldn't even finish the sentence without rolling my own eyes. I naturally want to help. Have you thought about this, about that? Tried this? Naturally I want to fix things. But that is not what most people want. They just want you to listen and give them sympathy. That's what my friend wants. It's a skill I don't have. Being constantly supportive, without offering advice. I wonder if I can learn that skill as a baby boomer? I feel sorry for his pain. He has the gout. That must hurt. That really looks painful. I want to jump in with "are you taking your drugs, have you seen a doctor, ice?". But he just wants sympathy. I'm gonna try it though. Make no suggestions. Give no advice. Give some sympathy. Wait for him to get bored and change the subject?
|
Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 9:30 pm
I don't think being a Baby Boomer has a single thing to do with learning a skill or having a skill.. Someone who wants sympathy CAN be draining, especially if it is a one way street. You actually can train for that type of support or listening, for instance if you train to work on a hotline, that is exactly what you may end up doing. So it is worth a try. And you can also set your own boundaries.. like how long are you willing to listen, how much time are you willing to invest and if that time is exceeded then you may decide that you just don't have the energy or you aren't getting anything in return and then back off.. and just keep it your own decision, your own boundaries , no blame to him. Perhaps he simply has nothing to give and perhaps he really doesn't want to change.. Some people, after they actually feel that they have been heard, are able to move on; hopefully he'll be that way..
|
Springer
Member
03-12-2004
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 9:36 pm
A few years ago I found out that I had diabetes and my doctor strongly recommended that I go to the diabetes classes at our local hospital. So I went for 4 hours every day for a week. There was so much to learn. Anyway, one of the ladies that I had lunch and break with was very interested what I learned at the classes because she also had diabetes and said that she had never been to classes like I went to. She was grossly overweight, her face was always red and I had always noticed the terrible things she ate for lunch and breaks. I told her that she really should go to these classes. They were free and very helpful. Well, she hemmed and hawed and started making every kind of excuse why she couldn't take the time to go. During that very conversation she was also stuffing a huge candy bar into her mouth.....and to tell you the truth every time she put that candy bar in her mouth....I saw her putting a gun in her mouth.....and I just felt that I had to say something to her.....so I told her that. She stopped, mid-air, and said "really, wow". She put the candy bar away. The next few days she started bringing healthier food to the table so I really thought that I had said the right thing. After that she stopped eatting with me and pretty much stopped talking to me too. I feel bad that we aren't friends anymore, but, more importantly, I hope that something of what I said helped her eventually. She knew absolutely nothing about diabetes so I can't believe that I was wrong to say something to her. I realize that I probably went about it in the wrong way, but she was asking me and I thought that she needed to be informed by someone other than me. I was just learning myself. Why couldn't I suggest the same for her?
|
Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 10:28 pm
Springer, she probably knew it all already, was just trying to quiz you about how soon she was going to die if she kept on doing the bad things she already knew she was doing.
|
Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 10:58 pm
Newman, don't fall into that old person trap... that "I'm too old to change." It simply isn't true. Not only that, it also isn't healthy. Look around you....the coolest, most vibrant senior citizens are the ones that are all about trying new things and changing. And the most boring, half-dead people of any age are the ones who let themselves fall into that old person trap. I think you are good at giving advice. I don't always agree with your advice, but I do find your opinions interesting and if you were in my circle of friends you would be the kind of person whose opinion I would solicit. I know how you have talked about this friend in the past...you definitely care and have been a good friend to him. But you are right....he is sensitive about getting advice at the moment (probably because it will require he change), so just listen and try to find some place less threatening to direct the conversation for a while. I think we have to respect those times with our friends and also know that some people are so bull-headed they don't want to learn anything! Give the "no advice zone" a try. If you start stretching yourself to do things like that now, you will be one of those cool old people instead of a crotchety old man.
|
Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 11:29 pm
Newman, we are more and more alike—haha. I too am be default a problem solver—and a problem identifier. Most of the time people don’t really identify the right problem. What they say is the problem usually ends up being a symptom of the real problem. My work requires that the best a problem solver I am, the better I will perform, as I get paid in part for identifying and coming up with viable solutions. I’m pretty straight forward, and if it seems like they are not aware of something I’ll say something. I just offer it up for their information. As a friend, my interest has always been the well being of that person. I also hope they do the same for me. Your friend with gout—I have had a few bouts of it myself, so I know first hand what he is experiencing. I admit that while I go through the bouts, it is not sympathy I want—it’s relief I need! LOL With people though it seems that you can’t “fix” anything. You can give them a perspective they didn’t have. You can offer opinions when they ask. But as you say, it seems like a lot of times they just want someone to listen. And friends are for listening too. I think you have the skill to listen and not give advice. It’s a mind set Newman. One of the things I’ll do is to come right to and ask what the person wants. I’m dense some times—I guess wrong and I am lousy at hints. So I ask if they want any feedback at all, or if they are just looking for a caring ear. Their answer helps get me in the right frame of mind. Remember that the value we are to others is defined by them, not by what we think it is. Of course what I’ve done is not follow my own advice with you Newman. I didn’t ask if you just want me to listen to you, or if you wanted feedback. LOL My bad—but should you suggest I just listen because that is what would help the most, I’ll do that for you Newman.
|
Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Friday, March 10, 2006 - 11:39 pm
One thing, Newman and Springer, heck and Lance too.. often when we think we are giving information to a brick wall.. there is a chink in the armor and something is actually getting through. You may find out later that they actually used some information , heard you and later acted, or you may never hear about it but you still may have helped that person or that person may pass the info along to someone who WILL use it. Not always gratifying but for all the good and helpful advice or information or problem solving you put out into the universe, I'd say more often than you know, you will affect someone, somewhere. It IS hard to have good advice to share and just have it be ignored or hear "Yes, but.."
|
Wendo
Member
08-07-2000
| Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 12:13 am
Personally, if I want advice from my friends (or family), I'll ask for it. However, I do agree that sometimes there are situations where there maybe danger involved that requires an intervention. (ie: Karuuna's situation above; that took a lot of guts, I admire that.) If I want advice from my sister on how to dress, lose weight, eat, etc., I ask her. On the flip side, sometimes I can't tell if a friend wants advice or a shoulder to lean on. In those situations, as Lance proffered, I ask. We're not mind readers, that's for sure. (If we were, would we be here??? Heck no, we'd be on a beach earning 20%!!! LOL!)
|
Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 4:00 am
And, let's face it, there are some people who would just rather cry and complain than try to solve their problem. They are happy being miserable and they want to drag everybody down with them, including their young children. They don't want advice. They want somebody to feel sorry for them. Sorry, I had to deal with the ex tonight and it was not pretty.
|
Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 6:03 am
I give advise once and then after that I become a nag.For instance, almost everybody at work drinks pop instead of water. I feel I have to show them the label of ingredients on the can and what they do to your body. It return, they make sure I hear them open the flip top cans and take a swig in front of me. They love to torture me. On the other hand, occasionally someone will switch to water (NOT besause of my advise, they just wanted to do it) and they will be sure to show me that too.
|
Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 6:51 am
Some great points all. Lance, you've hit one of the major nails on the head. As I get older I find that we are not nearly as perceptive as we think we are. I, of course, first started seeing it in other people that they think they understand a situation when they obviously don't. I finally had to turn that around to myself and realized I do it, too. Too often I am trying to figure out how to solve the problem instead of really focusing on not only what they are saying verbally, but what they are saying nonverbally. Often people don't tell you the whole story... and sometimes they even agree with you whether you understand or not, be it to shut you up or because they are a people pleaser who wants you to be happy. Oh, we are a complicated people. And we are people living in a world where it has become easier not to have strong opinions and sometimes those of us who have those strong opinions scare people to death. (I myself am a bit scared that so many people have so few real opinions on much at all.)
|
Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 7:01 am
i'm not a fan of unsolicited advice BUT i would have loved for my friends (not family) to have told me what an ass my first husband was before i married him not AFTER i divorced him.
|
|
|
|