Author |
Message |
Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 9:16 pm
Wargod, that "chasing" issue is a fun one to kick around. It's fun (for a man, well, me) to be chased by a woman, if it's a woman I'm interested in! If I'm being pursued by a woman I don't like, ugh, that's not a good feeling. I think most of the relationships I've had I've just fallen into. Very few of those nervous sweaty palm phone calls, with my heart racing, wondering what to say. I wish I had been more aggressive in my dating past. You can only be who you are. I was amused by Landi talking about her Italian family, not being able to get a word in edgewise if you were going to be polite. I'm half Italian, and I was the quiet one. I can relate. Pursuit. Of the three women I lived with only the first did I make the first move (I think, memory is fuzzy). I brought a six pack over to her house and we sat on her porch, drank, and talked about life. It was magical. The second one asked me if I was interested in her? Well, yes I was...and shy about it... My Ex and I met playing softball. It was a great summer night. After the game she was playing footsy with me under the bar table as the group sat around talking about the game and such. Then it was time to go to our separate cars. We kissed in the parking lot, she left, and I was happy just looking up at the stars, feeling good. A moment later she had driven around the block and returned for more kisses. Sigh...where did things go wrong...
|
Glenn
Member
07-05-2003
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 9:29 pm
Just curious Newman, how long did you and your exwife continue to play softball after you married.
|
Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 10:07 pm
Newman said, "Where did things go wrong?" I know I've asked this question before but it still puzzles me. Where and why do things go wrong? What changes? Why does love disappear and often change to hate? Or was the love never real in the first place?
|
Merrysea
Member
08-13-2004
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 10:33 pm
In my case, I think it wasn't real in the first place. I was married two weeks after my 20th birthday, and although I thought I was very mature, I think I would have been better off moving out of my parents house and living on my own before getting married. Of course, that was not ever given or encouraged as an option for me. My mom even told me one time that she was glad that both my sister and I had only left home when we got married. (My sister was married at 20, also, and she is divorced and remarried.) But I digress. My ex didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't swear when we got married, and told me he didn't watch sports on TV. What more could I want? Well, respect, for one thing. I first thought of divorce three years after we got married, but I put it out of my mind as being impossible. It was almost 20 years before I was able to think of it again and realize that it was an option for me. I tried, I really did. We spent a lot of time in marriage counseling, saw two different counselors, but he wanted me to just agree with him on everything, be there when he wanted me to, and let him watch TV the rest of the time. And no, I didn't try to interrupt him during important games or shows to talk; but when he would walk into the house and turn on the TV, all other communication stopped, until there was nothing there.
|
Penguingirl
Member
01-26-2006
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 10:37 pm
Oh boy....this one ah-da get folks talkin'. Those are pretty complex questions. Good job Jimmer.

|
Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 10:43 pm
Jimmer those are good questions. I suggest asking Glenn as he is the mind reader! 
|
Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Friday, April 07, 2006 - 11:01 pm
Jimmer, I think sometimes it was never right in the first place, sometimes a person is faking behavior (which is a good argument for waiting a bit longer before saying those vows or moving in.. and sometimes people grow and change, go off in different directions, drift apart.. When I got married (about 6 weeks BEFORE my 20th birthday) I'd known him for a couple of years (some of which was spent 500 miles apart, where we ran up vast phone bills, wrote long long letters, he even wrote wonderful haikus.. he was motivated, going for degrees, planning to teach, handy, funny.. as the years went by he got four degrees, worked for awhile and then.. stopped, became more and more cynical, grumpy, controlling, and manipulative. I know some of those traits were present but really, he did change. And I evolved from being a very shy person, very dependent, to growing in my career, becoming more confident, losing weight, trying new things. He fought every aspect of growth that hs saw and openly admitted that he was afraid I'd leave. And eventually I had to live to save my sanity. His second wife has lasted much longer than I did (I lasted 13 years) and he was already not working, cynical, grumpy, etc., when she met him. She was smart, vibrant.. I really like her, but she's become just beaten down over the years, gained weight, etc.. I really do think it is usually better to be on your own and more mature and you might have a better chance of judging a potential mate.
|
Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 6:29 am
I believe in the mind reading thing in a way... I know several people I have this kind of communicaton with. But like most things, I think if you start being too confident in that ability and solely relying on it you can run into trouble. I've seen relationships end because people think they are no longer in love because their partner is not reading their mind. The old "I shouldn't have to tell her/him that it bothers me. She/he should know." We are a complex people and sometimes we don't follow a formula. Sometimes we get wrapped up in our minds and don't look outside at the people around us. Doesn't mean we don't care, just means we are human. I say it's fun to be able to key into a person's thoughts, but also important to not just communicate nonverbally. The words matter, even if they are chatter. Sometimes I chatter on in nervousness or because I am preoccupied with something else...I may not willingly tell what is going on....I may not even know. Other times I may be quiet, not because I am angry but because I am internally dealing with something that I am not ready to discuss. Both are healthy and valid...and it's great to have someone willing to either listen or just hold my hand instead of taking it all personally. Sometimes it just isn't about another person.
|
Glenn
Member
07-05-2003
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 6:36 am
Jimmer, I can offer my opinion of what changes in a relationship. The two people involved learn who the other person really is. Some folks are lucky and happen to pick others that are ultimately compatible and some folks just deal with the things they dislike as best as they can. Some folks see it as a mistake and move on. I don't think you can know enough about a person if you plan on living your life with them. I also think a person has better odds of seeing who the other person is if they have 40 years or more of life to talk about. Is finding a good friend any different than finding a life partner. Do a lot of people know more about their best friend than their own spouse. Do you know someone well enough that you can anticipate their response or reaction to a myriad of situations.
|
Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 6:45 am
Jimmer, hey, hold on here, I'm the one who asks the questions, gets the topics rolling <trying to act jealous in an amusing way>. Tabbyking, you made me laugh with your 6:05pm post up there, when the two got on a new internet date site and were MFing each other. Funny stuff. LIfe can be stranger than fiction. Glenn, this is all a process of finding the right words. Mind reading is impossible unless you are Karnak the Magnificient. Anticipating...I think we all do that. We all expect that. Expectations... We just played out that year that we met, maybe the next season too, but I doubt it. I was the coach of the woman's team. The kids were getting older, and requiring more attention. I think She wasn't enjoying it so much and I didn't want to coach anymore. This was my way of finding a new gf, and it "worked". Mission Accomplished as George W. Bush would say.
|
Glenn
Member
07-05-2003
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 6:55 am
Yesitsme, I would think that your partner should have taken the time to learn what it means when you chatter on in nervousness or are having a quiet moment. I am willing to bet that you give other information to signify when you are taking the time to figure something out so you can discuss it. Interesting that when you are not ready to talk about something that you use chatter or quietness to give yourself time for discovery. That is tricky. 
|
Glenn
Member
07-05-2003
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 7:08 am
Thanks for the reply Newman. I was wondering if the thing that the two of you seemingly had in common (playing softball) was something that continued for very long. Do you remember what your ex voiced as her attraction to you at this time? Did you ever wonder if she was playing footsie with you under the table because she was wanting a better position on the team? Okay, my playtime is over with until tonight. I am off to revise mother nature's work.
|
Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 7:58 am
Do you think that what attracts yourself to a person changes over time? Or that there is always that one thing that sticks?? Just curious.
|
Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 8:13 am
I think what often changes is that in the beginning of a relationship we focus on what's right. Over time, that focus shifts to what's wrong. In the beginning, we are magnanimous and forgiving. We give each other the benefit of the doubt. As time goes on, that seems to dissolve. We get frustrated over the littlest things. Instead of accepting the other as they are, we start expecting them to be what we want them to be, to meet OUR needs, instead of figuring out how to meet theirs. Many recent studies have shown that the only marital counseling that really works is training people to accept each other as they are, instead of focusing on what's wrong and trying to get them to change and be what we want them to be...
|
Mamapors
Member
07-29-2004
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 8:55 am
For me, my marriage ended because we had grown in opposite directions. We married out of college, with what I thought were the same ambitions and goals for life. Over the next 10 years, things went terribly wrong. I went one direction, and he went the other. I guess our relationship was not strong enough for us to come together in the middle and be happy. I went back to school, got my masters, advanced in my job. He was happy to sit around, watch TV, no job advancement, just seemed to be happy with the way things were. Neither of us were wrong. We just ended up wanting different things. We also tried to conceive for many years and that put another strain on an already fragile marriage. I think we each silently blamed the other for our problems getting pregnant. The sad part is, we finally did conceive, and then divorced three years later. We had a beautiful son, but by that time the marriage was too far gone to save, for anyone's sake. We are friends now. There is no blame as to why the marriage failed. We thought we loved each other and found out we may have loved each but grew apart. I am never sorry I married him, but I am glad we went our separate ways.
|
Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 9:39 am
newman, i know you are the leader of the pack, so to speak, of this thread, but i have a burning question. as one gets older does ones desire for sexual intimacy wane? i know that the intensity of desire and frequency has changed in the past few years but i attribute that in my case to the spinal cord injury not age. my mom who will be 69 on tuesday told me a few years back that the hormone replacement therapy she was on really boosted her libido but sadly dad wasn't able to keep up. she has since changed to a different drug due to other problems. so, here i am at 46 and i know mentally i am as vibrant as ever sexually but my body isn't keeping up with me. is it my age and if so is it going to get worse? or is it my handicap? i know folks a lot older than i that are going at it like rabbits thanks to viagra.
|
Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 9:42 am
CND...I like this post considering what's going on in my folder. LOL
|
Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 10:15 am
First of all, let's clear something up. You know folks that are going at it like Rabbit?!?!? I think that many men tend to slow down a bit from a purely physical standpoint when they get into their late forties and early fifties. My understanding is that most men peak in their early twenties. Women tend to peak much later. Now hopefully, the greater experience that a man has by the time he gets older, serves to off-set the loss of some of his youthful exuberance. I hope everyone understands that the above is just a generalization – individual experiences may differ or I may have it totally wrong.
|
Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 10:15 am
Excellent point about marriage counseling Kar.
|
Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 10:21 am
I think there are a lot more things involved in loss of sexual desire than just age. General health, happiness, children, stress. I'm sure there are more. I don't think that age specifically causes loss of sexual desire by it's self.
|
Marysafan
Member
08-07-2000
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 10:27 am
There are hormonal changes that come with aging...so yes...a diminished sex drive often comes with aging. There are always exceptions.
|
Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 10:51 am
And medications.
|
Penguingirl
Member
01-26-2006
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 10:54 am
Kar, you totally nailed it on the "accepting" point. When you add the dynamics of fear and expectation, your mind can get real busy. It seems to all boil down to ego. Not that it's a bad thing..but it can complicate things that could otherwise be rather simple.
|
Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 11:51 am
so while my mind is ready and willing, my body is probably being effected by medications and disability. is that what i am understanding? that makes sense. i don't like it though. what a sad way to live. either take your medications and accept your disabilites or have a hell of a sex life and die. living better through chemistry? i don't think so. but, what choice do i have? i want to live as long as i can. so, does not having the sex life i want have to be sacrificed to do that? it seems so. and, that isn't fair. all above are my thoughts about my life and my life only and not to be general comments about anyone else's life or circumstance.
|
Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 12:41 pm
I was having a conversation with a friend who is quite a few years older than me (but not a huge number). This guy has always had a very active sex life (LOL - well I've never seen it but based on what I have heard). He's also very candid. Anyway, we were chatting away and he mentioned that his sex life was great again now that he has started taking Viagra. I'm happy for him but at the same time, I found the thought that he needed the Viagra a little disconcerting. He is far more active and healthy than most men his age.
|
|
|
|