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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 12:58 pm
I have found some really wonderful people on this board that I don't need but who make such a huge difference in my life! Their care, love and support are helping me get through an extremely tough time and I love them for that. And as I said, I don't need them but to be without them would really take away so much of the "good stuff" in my life. Like Zachsmom, I also have found one particularly loving and supportive friend here! And I also can't explain how her love and support help me so much. I just know she adds so much to my life. Yesterday, I was extremely sick in the afternoon. But, by bedtime, I was back in such a "happy" spot in my life. My friend and I had a very long phone conversation. During that time, we talked about serious things but we also did a whole lot of laughing, too! I was able to go to sleep feeling happy, cared for, appreciated and loved! And, after the day I had had, that was a wonderful gift she had given me! Thank you, my wonderful friend, Kearie! You have added so much to my life, lots of good conversation and a whole lot of laughing!
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 2:36 pm
Jimmer, sometimes it's the other way around too. We demand that others do what we think they should do; yet we'd never think we always ought to do what others tell us to - even if it's for the best! 
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 3:35 pm
Oh is that ever true!!!
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 4:01 pm
Sometimes I feel like I make posts in this thread that seem off topic...or out of place. Maybe I just think funny. I think we all NEED people. We are social creatures, without human contact babies can die. People needing others is not a weakness. I think being able to show this need . . . is a strength. I agree with what Jimmer said in his definition of two types of need. Much of this thread seems to be about love, finding love and giving love. It's reminded me several times of the definition of love. I think most people in are aware of the following... "Love is patient, kind, never jealous or envious..." This all comes from 1 Corinthians 13. I used to think it was a wonderful definition, but the more I read it, the less I liked it. Looking at my own life, it really pointed out to me that truly loving someone, according to the above definition, is impossible all the time. Sometimes I want my own way. Sometimes I'm rude and envious. Sometimes I'm not patient. Loving someone is hard work. Marriage is hard work. Finding a soul mate, finding true love ... is it a fantasy? Love is hard work. Loving is hard work ... I'm not capable of loving all the time, and I really don't believe anyone is. I guess when I learned to accept my failures in being able to love, I became more able to forgive others for not acting lovingly all the time.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 8:05 pm
quote:Sometimes I feel like I make posts in this thread that seem off topic...or out of place.
You might think that, Kearie, but it is not true. Your posts are always insightful and pertinent.
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 8:20 pm
Kearie, ...ditto what our Juju said! 
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 8:59 pm
Kearie, when we continue in Corinthians it says " When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I resoned like a child but when I became a man I put away childish things." From the posts here I think that a lot of us have troulble putting away childish things. We still feel the hurt of what happened to us as children.
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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Monday, May 01, 2006 - 9:41 pm
Amen to your post, Dogdoc! Especially the last sentence! And not only do we feel the hurt, the hurt definitely helps shape our lives as adults. That is what I believe.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 7:00 am
Oh good point DogD.
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 8:59 am
Zmom, I greatly admire your friend from this board who was always there to stand by you. I felt like I could worry less because I knew you had that friend standing by. Me too I could have gone through everything I did by myself, but she gave me Strength and hope.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 5:24 am
Who was that? Didn't Jesus say something contrary to that, Dogdoc, something about that we need to act like little children (like open, trusting, cheerful, willing, ...all the good qualities of a child...)? That's why I think, in life, for every saying there is an equal and opposite saying. It's confusing sometimes... Kearie, why does love got to be so hard (hmmm, songs like a song line)? Clapton? Why does LOVE have to be such hard work? You referred to Corinthians about it. I seem to recall something Woody Allen said 30 years ago. It was something like when a relationship becomes like hard work, is it really worth it? Didn't Sting sing something like "if you love them set them free?" Such BS. Jealousy and possessiveness are human qualities, unfortunately. So I agree with you, Kearie. Up to a point. I think I would be capable of loving all the time, if I could just find my soul mate. I know there's a lot of "soul mate" bashing in today's society. That phrase (soul mate) seems to bother some people. I'm not sure why. It seems to me that if I could just find the right person to love (a soul mate) then I could live happily ever after (which at this point in life, isn't all that far, and shouldn't be such a reach, LOL )!
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 6:18 am
All of these sayings are confusing. There are a thousand contradictions. It's hard to express but has anyone noticed that sometimes it's easier to get something when you don't want it nor need it that badly. It seems like a contradiction. With respect to finding love, it's kind of a catch 22 thing isn't it? You suggest that finding love will help you live happily ever after. Finding love will make you happy. But wouldn't it be easier to find love if you were already happy and didn't really want it that bad? Argh! 
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 6:23 am
Wooo-ooo-ooo-ooo, love hurts.....not sure who sang that one, but it keeps bouncing around in my head after reading Newman's post. I don't think love is hard work. Love comes easy. Maintaining that love is the key. It takes a lot of compromise and tolerance and many of us find those two things hard to do. Even your "soul mate", will not be a perfect person. So, because you love him/her, you compromise on things and tolerate the little imperfections. If we're lucky, we find a mate that will also compromise and tolerate us right back. No one will be a mirror image of ourselves, liking exactly everything the same way we do, so we're back to compromise and tolerance. I agree with Newman, that if I found my soul mate at this age, I could love him to the end. Trouble is, I don't trust my instinct any more, since I thought I had found that guy decades ago, only to have him crush my dreams. However, if I never find the perfect man, I will still be a happy, well adjusted person. I like who I am and am proud of all the right, decent and moral decisions I've made in my life, even if I paid a high price for doing them.
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 7:34 am
Newman, I think the word "soulmate" bothers me because it's over used. Three different guys have told me I am their soulmate. One guy I only had 3 dates with when he told me that. I highly doubt that these gentlemen are wondering around broken hearted because nothing ever came of our relationships. I doubt they settled for second best since they couldn't have me. 
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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 7:35 am
Yes Jimmer, it would be!
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 9:16 am
Love is hard work because love isn't selfish and we humans are!!! Love is more than an emotional tickle ... it's also an action verb. You show and express love by actions...patience, kindness and unselfishness. Even if we're happily in love...we can't always act lovingly. That's the part that takes work. That's the part that frequently collides with our own selfishness.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 10:05 am
"It seems to me that if I could just find the right person to love (a soul mate) then I could live happily ever after." WHat if that one, right person is yourself? Isn't loving yourself the key to being happy? Once you fully embrace and love who you are, you are free to share that love with others. We spend so much time looking outward for happiness. We say things like, "If I could just lose 10 more pounds, I'd be happy," or "If I could just win the lottery, all my problems would go away," or "If I could just meet the right person to love and love me back, life would be good." The truth is that happiness comes from inside, not outside. Happiness is an attitude, a way of viewing the world, not something external, provided by someone or something else. Certainly external trappings and people can enhance happiness, but they don't provide it. Need an example? Look at Skootz. Her family has lost a major portion of their livelihood and way of life TWICE now due to their barn burning. And yet, her posts still seem optimistic, still concentrate on the good things in their lives, still reflect a happy life. Perfect? Heck no! No worries? Definitely not. But happy nonetheless. I admire Skootz and people like her greatly. My favorite movie of all time is Harold and Maude. I think it is one of the most optimistic movies ever, but it's impossible to describe that to someone who's never seen it. In this discussion, I keep hearing Maude tell Harold, "Go and love some more."

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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 12:03 pm
Max, I just love HArold and Maude. You're right it is an inspiring movie filled with hope. And I think you are right about finding happiness within. As for finding the right person and being happy for the rest of your life -- well I'm just cynical enough to think that if you did find the right person, put all your happiness into them, then a big truck would come and run them over and you'd be unhappy again.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 12:26 pm
Anyone see "City of Angels"? 
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Retired
Member
07-11-2001
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 1:49 pm
Yup, Jimmer. Good movie and great soundtrack!
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 8:04 pm
Some great points. I remember someone talking about love being like winning the lottery.... people think if they could just win a few million, all of their financial problems would be solved. Yet the reality is that most end up losing the millions they win. It's not that they don't get the funds that could have secured them for life...they just had never learned to manage the small amounts they had, so definitely fumbled with the big ones. If we don't possess happiness and fulfillment on our own, finding our "soul mate" is not going to do it. Wonderful as they may be, they won't be able to make up for us if we are not adequate on our own. If our other relationships are all bad, maybe we are bad at relationships and need to work on ourselves before we find our soul mate so we don't blow it! I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that once it is no longer good for them, it is time to leave. I want someone who I can trust to stay and who looks to find a solution that we can both live with. That's real life....and maturity. (Disclaimer....I do believe some relationships should come to an end sometimes!) Jeep...I can tell from your postings that you have a wonderful level head and have so much to offer in a relationship. You've learned a lot from that terrible experience and now you are even wiser. Doubting your instincts is OK on one level....they should not be the only thing we rely on. Still, they can tell us a lot and we do need to listen to them. You also have that wisdom to add to the mix in the future...that will serve you well. You will probably choose differently next time and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I believe a good relationship is worth going for (and you can all remind me I said that on my cynical days!)
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Friday, May 05, 2006 - 9:57 am
Thanks Yesitsme! Sometimes I feel like I'm the "odd man out" in this thread. Everyone seems so settled, comfortable and wise! And here I am, with raging emotions about a dreadful experience and divorce I never wanted. I feel like the exact opposite of everyone else. Thank goodness my level head and common sense usually overrides the raging emotions I have about what I've been thru. It's really what has kept me sane and grounded thru all this. Not to mention being able to vent here! LOL I believe a good relationship is worth going for (and you can all remind me I said that on my cynical days!) I'm going to remember that! LOL
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Friday, May 05, 2006 - 10:14 am
Jeep, do not feel like the odd man out, many of us have gone through divorce etc and have been where you are now. 
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Friday, May 05, 2006 - 10:34 am
Lol Jeep usually I feel like the oddball. We can be oddballs together.
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Friday, May 05, 2006 - 10:49 am
max, your example of skootz is a good one. probably why i'm her friend. she looks at the glass as full. so do i. i remember when i was so frustrated with holly's ADHD when she was quite young. and felt that all we were doing with her was saying "NO". No this. No that. I spoke with her psychologist. I was frustrated as hell. she asked me, "when was the last time you said yes? When was the last time you praised her? we do it with dogs/cats when they do good things, why not people?" when have you said this about yourself? when have you praised YOURSELF for something good? or others around you. if you stop looking for the negative, you start seeing the positive. LOOK for the positive! compliment yourself. compliment the people around you. your outlook will change. the reason i stayed on this board was for a lady by the name of "fly". she looked at the positive also. she encouraged. she complimented. she was that person with her fingers on your back going "push""push". i strive every day to be a "fly" or a "skootz".
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