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Archive through March 31, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through March 31, 2006 users admin

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Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 2:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I may be biased, but I think she is extrordinarily pretty. Naturally blessed with good looks.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 7:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Kearie,I have seen your daughter's picture, you are not biased you are observant.

Slinkydog
Member

11-30-2005

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 11:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Slinkydog a private message Print Post    
Of course Kearie is biased. Absolutely, no question about it. Bias affects an individual's perception, but it doesn't change the FACT that the girl if gorgeous.

Slinkydog
Member

11-30-2005

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 11:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Slinkydog a private message Print Post    
I meant "is" gorgeous.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 12:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Dang you, Dogdoc. Now you've got me thinking about getting a Greyhound. The big thing that's holding me back is what to name it. "Newman, sit!" Some show I was watching and someone named their pet "Help". She would walk outside and yell, "Help, Help!" I thought that was pretty amusing <chuckling while typing>.

And no, I don't want a lot of follow up posts with dog name suggestions, PUH-LEASE DON'T DO THAT!


Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 12:36 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Jeep, these people that get along so well with their ex's, well, one wonders why they didn't stay married then! If they can stay "civil" why can't they work out their problems, then, and stay married???

I would prefer being married too, Jeep. When it's going good it's the best. Why doesn't it last? Why doesn't love last, and endure, and even improve with age? Sigh...

Living alone seems stupid and selfish. But it is so much better than living in a battlefield or an abusive situation, for sure.

Kearie, that is the nutshell with my marriage and my lack of closeness to my daughter. I'm sure she badmouthed me all the time, from l997 onward to today, to my daughter.

And if I opened up to my kids, my boys, and tried to get them to talk about their childhood, maybe even look for fond memories to smile about, I don't know how I would avoid going to the darkness, talking about my Ex, honestly, and what a bad Mother I thought she was, and a bad wife. Why go down that road? Why open up that can of worms?


Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 12:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Just read the part about the implants. See, that's where I fail as a Father. I would come across as judgmental. I would be honest, but too direct. Can't even picture my daughter asking me that one anyway.

That is the crux of the problem though. Kids are always looking for parental approval. What do you do when you don't approve? If you have a good relationship, well, then it's easy, you are just honest, and the kid has probably heard negativity from you before, and can deal with it. It's a good topic...


Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 1:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
It is a good topic. As a 40 year old woman, I have always looked for my parents approval with my life choices. It is not until recently that I finally started making choices for myself & that made me happy. It took a long time to cut the cord! I still believe I have a very good relationship with my father ( my mum has passed ) but no longer feel the need to seek his guidance or approval for all that I do. I trust in myself. And I'm happy!

BTW ... I love the name "Newman" for your future dog!!!

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 1:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I’m not sure that is what Kearie said, but I agree with your comments Newman.

Why talk about the past at all? Just live in the present and try to develop a good present day relationship. People constantly beat themselves up mentally (and beat others up) over things that happened in the past that can not be changed. Sometimes it’s good to go back and achieve some understanding about what happened and why but it doesn’t always help to talk about these things.

I recall reading some wonderful things here where people were able to develop wonderful relationships with their parents / children later in their lives. Concentrate on the present.

I also agree with what Vacanick said. I think that parents can’t help but want to give advice and solve their kids problems for them. They keep doing this even when they are adults! Some adults look to their parents for advice and then argue with them over their answer! So don’t worry about advising them on their problems (unless it is a real crisis). Just enjoy the relationship.

(I always feel like prefacing these “wise” thoughts by saying that all of this lovely advice is great but it is harder to put into action and do it yourself!)

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    

quote:

Jeep, these people that get along so well with their ex's, well, one wonders why they didn't stay married then! If they can stay "civil" why can't they work out their problems, then, and stay married???




My ex and I get along better now than when we were married. But we just couldn't live together.

Jeep
Member

10-17-2001

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:58 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jeep a private message Print Post    
Newman, Mocha, I guess if I got divorced just because we grew in separate ways or just couldn't get along together in close quarters and it was a mutual decision, then I guess I could be civil. But not the way it happened to me. Too much hurt, too much hate because of they way it went down.

I get along with some of the guys in my office great, even the boss, even the married ones. I consider them best friends. But I could NEVER be married to them. Wouldn't even consider it. So, I guess I can see how you could get along better apart. Maybe. LOL

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
I've stayed out of it as long as I can.

IMHO, bad exes should be shipped off to a very very dark universe far far away and let the rest of us live in peace.

I would like nothing better than to be able to get along civilly with the ex for the sake of my son but I have decided that the only way that can be done is if I don't have to deal with him at all. I can't stand to see him, talk to him, hear his voice over the phone when he is talking to my son or know that he is anywhere in the same hemisphere.

And after I have to talk to ex in a civil tone tonight to see if he will be willing to split the cost of an evaluation Travis desperately needs only to be told "I'm doing the best I can" (I have received a grand total of $420 since August against the approx. $2300 he owes me for medical expenses) I will probably be able to express my feelings even better.

And I'm not bitter at all.

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
I can be civil with my ex, because what's the point of not being civil? We have had to deal with each other over the kids for eight years now, and it makes it easier to be nice. But I have never had any second thoughts about leaving him, and every once in a while, he will say something that reminds me of why I left!

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Oh, I can be civil with my ex, too, until I hear him telling Travis that his mom is crazy and he'll be able to go live with his dad soon. Or if I don't think about the only time he talks to Travis on the phone is when Travis calls him. Or how many times he has picked up Travis for visitation or brought him home since August (maybe twice - I do the driving).

Personally, I have no feelings for him at all. However, when it comes to my son, see my 2:16 pm post.

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
I'm with NT ... there is no way I can be civil with my son's father. For the past 9 years he has dragged me in and out of court and made our life as difficult as possible. I prefer to have as little contact with him as I have to and that seems to work best for us.

NT ... I so feel for you!!

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
i am just so thankful that i was unable to have children with my ex and that i haven't had to worry about trying to be civil with him for the past 16 years since i left his a$$.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Newman wrote...

"That is the crux of the problem though. Kids are always looking for parental approval. What do you do when you don't approve? If you have a good relationship, well, then it's easy, you are just honest, and the kid has probably heard negativity from you before, and can deal with it. It's a good topic..."

I don't know if how I responded to my daughter could be construed as negative. I was honest with my opinion and gave her reasons why I thought it wasn't a good idea. I was not negative. I never said it was dumb, silly, or stupid. I simply told her I didn't think it was a good idea because.....she hasn't had kids, she's only 20, the expense, DD's are supposed to droop! When I finish telling her I'm against it we don't really talk about it again. I ask her about her surgery, when it is, recovery etc.

She knows I disagree...but she knows I support her no matter what.

I think that's different than being negative or controlling. I'm allowing my adult child to be an adult. She doesn't need my approval, but yes,
she likes it. She knows she has my support no matter what.

I wasn't thrilled when she joined the Marines. I I was terrified of the idea. Yet I wrote her a snail mail every day and mailed her 90 in the course of three months.

I support my daughter and allow her to be an adult.

Anyway...I think a person can be positive when offering disagreeing opinions.

We have to be to play at TVCH...why not with our kids and family???

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 8:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Kearie, I think that's the difference between you and me. If I gave my daughter that advice (the advice you gave would be mine also) and then she went ahead with it anyway, well, I'd be angry or upset. I'd take it personally. I'd be thinking to myself, well, what's the point of giving advice if she's not going to take it!

I don't know if I could support her, if she asked for advice and then didn't take it. Why ask if you're going to do what you want to do anyway? (I guess that sounds like "conditional love").

Words, words, words. I wouldn't use the word "support" in this situation. I think it's understood that I love my kids and want what's best for them, but if they go ahead and do something that I counsel against, well, I don't support THAT decision. I still love them of course. I think we're saying the same thing.

When I say "negative" I simply meant that you didn't agree with her, you said no, don't do it and here's why, and you didn't give approval.

It's really hard to "control" them after they're 18, ha, well before that, anyway!

Unconditional love...that's another good topic...


Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 9:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
I think that if a child has unconditional love from a parent they will feel safe in one place of their life. They will need that place to go to at times and they will know that they are welcome. It's like having an anchor. Kearie, I think your daughter knows she can always count on you and that is why although she may not follow your advice, she knows she is never alone. Newman, as long as you love your kids no matter what they do they have unconditional love. Let them know that . I can understand someone no longer loving a spouse. I can also see where a child in a divorce situation might think their parent will stop loving them too. It is a tough situation.

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 9:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Very good advise Dogdoc! I completely agree!

Even though I cannot stand my son's father. I try my best to say nice things about him to my son. I want my son to feel good about loving his dad. He will find out soon enough what a disappointment of a father he really is. It is a tough situation.

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 9:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
It's been a few days since I posted here, life has been kinda busy the past few days.

Newman, my step dad was never around kids til my sis and I came along and we were 8 and 10 at the time. And until Caleb was born the only time he was around children younger than we were was if a friend brought their kid over and he'd say hi and ask how school was going. For the first couple weeks of Caleb's life, he wouldn't hold him because he had no idea what to do with a baby. Much like anything else in life you have to learn how to take care of a baby. You don't have to wait for your kids to have children of their own to bond with them, it might be something completely different. It took us 13 years or so to find common ground but it was worth it.

Speaking as someone a little younger, the nice thing about parental advice is I know no matter what, Moms gonna tell me the truth. She may not agree with me, she may agree with me, or be somewhere in the middle but I know if I ask for her advice she will tell me what she believes. If I do something stupid, I know she'll tell me that too. I may get mad for a bit, but even then I wouldn't want her to lie to me or sugarcoat things. It's nice when she approves or agrees with a decision I've made but I also know she's not gonna stop loving me if I don't do what she would do.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 11:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Newman at the start of this thread I believe you asked for advice and many folks here said Volunteer. You nixed that in a heartbeat...at one point saying if you heard that suggestion again you would scream...or something to that effect.

Should we be angry you didn't take our advice? Should we take it personally? If people ask for my advise or opinion, I try too look at it as though I'm offering alternate ideas. I don't expect someone to take my advice...I just hope they will think about what I have to say and make their own decisions.

Just some thoughts.

As far as supporting her...I care what kind of treatment she gets. I urged her to see more than one doctor. I want her to compare prices. I want to be sure she won't have to drive afterwards. I want her to have the best possible care...even if I disagree. So I will still ask questions and show support this way. I expect her to call me after the surgery and tell me how she is. In this way I show support.

I disagree with the decision she made...but I support her in her decision and the fact that it's HER decision.

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 6:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
when i ask for advice, i am asking for options, not the be all to end all. if someone gives me advice then it is up to me to consider whether or not it would work for me. i never expect anyone that asks for my advice to do exactly what i say. i expect them to make up their own mind.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 7:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Good point Kearie.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, March 31, 2006 - 8:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Unfortunately, my son understands the difference between conditional and unconditional love very well. But, on the other side, last week when I approached him about a phone call I overheard between him and his dad with him telling his dad "yes, I wish I could come stay with you, too," he said "I have to tell him what he wants to hear or he won't like me anymore the way he does with [insert his 3 half-siblings names]." He has seen more times than I can count instances where his dad would threaten to not have anything to do with the other kids anymore because they would not do his bidding.

I did wonder if Travis was trying to play me to get out of trouble because I did ask him if he was trying to play both sides (he has done this a few times), but he did tell my dad this week that he likes to see his dad once in a while, but he can't handle being there for very long.