Author |
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 10:01 pm
Back when I worked in an office setting, when we would have a Christmas party, no spouses were invited. At first I didn't like that, but then I did. There are several reasons why it is better to not have a "date" at a Christmas party. Number one, is mentioned above, some people won't come without a date if others there will have a date. The other reason is that a lot of people will either feel like they have to entertain their date instead of socializing with other co-workers or they actually just want to stay with their date and not "play" much with their co-workers. I think a "dateless" party makes the co-workers bond more and have more fun.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 12:13 am
Well, I never let the lack of a date keep me from a good party -- except on New Year's Eve when it makes me extremely uncomfortable. But now I work on that night, so that problem is solved! It does get old, though, when you're one of two single people (both women) at a party of couples and they do things like have "an elimination dance" where the couples are all urged to dance and then the DJ starts asking those who have been married one year, five years, and so on to sit down until the one who's been married the longest remains. At my club party this year, the "winning" couple was married 46 years. ACK! It's a fact of life, though, when you're single in a society of couples, that you get lots of penalties. If you want to go on a cruise, you pay a penalty for having a cabin to yourself. The only thing that doesn't cost you more is taxes where the "marriage penalty" is still in effect (amazing that it remains!). I hated taking my spouse to company parties when I was married, though, because he could be a real pill about the whole thing. If he got in a bad mood, the evening was ruined for me and anyone within earshot. Not a good thing to happen around co-workers and especially your boss. Most of the company parties (when I worked for one) they had included a casino element (I'm now one of those dealers), so being alone wasn't a problem because I like to play cards. 
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 8:14 am
It's good to listen and read comments of others. I'm trying to do more of that this year (ok, drifting into a NY resolution type thing), instead of writing my opinions and not reading so much. There is such pressure from society to be a couple or a family. I agree with a lot of the comments above. I never went to company parties with my spouse, when I was married, because she was so insanely jealous it made those events impossible to enjoy. It's an interesting phenomenon. If you're single, people are always trying to put you together with someone else. Why? So many marriages are bad. On the other hand if you did find the right partner, lover, mate, spouse, the right fit, wouldn't life be so much better? I think it would. But easier said than done... I'm just rambling... Went to my little party of 5. It was ok. They gave me some bedroom slippers, wrong size. I already have 4 pair at home. Maybe they'll fit my old buddy that I'm meeting for breakfast this morning... I'm glad Christmas is over. (Just being honest).
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Biloxibelle
Member
12-21-2001
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 9:32 am
Hi Newman, I have been reading in here since you started this thread. I have kept quiet for 2 reasons reasons. First no way no how can I fix you LOL and second I have zero answers. So I thought I would share some things that have happened to me. If you want to skip the story I'll get staright to the ending. All I want to say is when something works and feels right you'll know it. Now on to the story. The gory details I am 47 and thought I had my life under control. Then starting June 18 of this year it went to hell in a hand basket. First my handicapped duaghter became ill and ended up in ICU for 2 months. We almost lost her. She pulled through like you wouldn't believe. Second she was home from the hospital 10 days and we got hit by Hurricane Katrina. While she was in the hospital I lived in the waiting room. I sat there, ate there, slept there. I read every pamplet in that waiting room set up by a church, read every newpaper, watched every cable channel there was, I prayed, I cried, I railed against the world, nothing clicked, held my interst or comforted me. My youngest son brought me a book he had by Sylvia Browne on the cover it said "A Psychics Tour of The After Life" now I don't hold much hope out for psychics so it sat there. Then I remembered a long time ago on here someone mentioned reading Sylvia Browne so I started reading it. In the book she talked about choice that we choose our life the good and the bad before we are ever born. I can not deny the comfort I got from that book. Even now. I hold that thought with me. When something happens I just think I mapped this all out myself so I will deal with it. Now no way and I suggesting you run out and buy a Sylvia Browne book. Or to believe in psychics as I still don't, go figure. What I am saying is sometimes you can find the understanding in the least expected places. You just have to open to new/different ideas.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 9:59 am
Interesting insight, Biloxibelle.
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 10:24 am
It's not the same to go to a party when you are single and not even dating someone as when your are married or in a serious relationship and choose not to bring them along. At least that is my experience. The former has an element of awkward, while the latter can be fun and freeing. Though come to think of it, I guess it depends on the situation. When it all comes down to it, I guess we really don't know what each person at the party is dealing with underneath the game face. It all can be difficult in its own way. An office I used to work in won a company award and as a prize we won a free weekend trip to Savannah. The married people were all allowed to bring their spouse...I, the only single person, could bring no one! I love to travel and am fine traveling by myself, but that was one of the most awkward weekends in my entire life. I felt so conspicuously single. They had a couple of planned dinners and activities, which were fine, but other than that we were on our own. Everyone went off with their spouse and I'd be standing there by myself. Noone thought anything about it until close to the end of the weekend when some of the guys I worked with finally got a clue. (I won't go into that part of the story, but by then I was crying in my room because of a comment one of the secretaries made to me when I called her to see what people were doing for dinner.) The guys were real sweet and protective of me after that...the secretary had actually told them what she told me and they were furious. Oh...and I didn't cry all weekend....before that I had gotten out and walked all over town by myself and really had a nice time. But I will admit that I was constantly afraid that I would run into one of the couples and that they would pity me! I'm generally quite content being single, so it was a weird emotional thing to deal with. Newman, it is pretty smart of you to make that vow for the year during the last week! Seriously, I don't think many of us have a problem with your opinions. The board would lose a certain dimension without them. Listening more is always a good option, though. We all have much to learn and even the wisest can learn from the simplest. I laughed about the slippers....I have quite a few pairs too..all gifts! I didn't get any this year. In fact, most of what I got was fine. Including the purple Mary Kate and Ashley lip gloss I got from my young niece. Someone had given it to her and she said it wasn't her color and she wanted me to have it for a special Christmas present. When I tried to say it wasn't really my color either, she told me I was mistaken. So if anyone sees a 45-year old woman out with purple lip gloss this year, it just may be me!
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 11:27 am
ROFL YESITS!!! How sweet. I'll be looking for another one wearing funky lip gloss. A friend of mine has her "AOL SIGNATURE" set to always say.... "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, light for the way." I've always liked the saying and thought I would share. I'm doing alright Newman. Thanks for your concern. I'm better now that Christmas is over. Only problem is...now I have so much junk food...cookies and yummy stuff...I feel bloated just looking at it all!!! Funny, I have never gotten slippers for Christmas. Anyway...hope everyone had a peaceful Christmas. Next stop...New Year's Eve...and more importantly....MOCHA's birthday. LOL
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 11:41 am
Regifting. That could use a thread of its own, Yesitsme. I gave my friend the slippers and the cannister of mixed nuts, the only gifts he got this Christmas, and he seemed happy about it. He's gonna play golf today so I'm less worried about him. I think he'll be ok. There is a difference being a single woman in a group setting and a single man, same setting. Isn't there? I don't want other people's pity either. Can't stand that. And I don't like being the only single in a group of couples. Don't like feeling awkward or being in a place where I don't fit in, or one where I stand out, like being the only male in a group of women. I like writing AND listening. When you listen (or read) you might actually find a gem of a thought that you hadn't thought of before, or one you had forgotten that makes so much sense now, or you may just hear IT a different way or from a different person and for some reason IT CONNECTS. It also helps me with empathy. The feeling that we're all in this together. Many of us suffer from similar problems, situations. Sometimes I'll read another's story, like Biloxibelle, and her story sounds so sad or harsh and I suddenly feel better by comparison (what do I have to complain about!). Biloxi is dealing with a lot more serious problems than my minor (mostly seasonal) depression. Writing helps me to focus. If I can explain myself clearly, put it in writing succinctly, then I feel I can get a grip on IT, whatever IT might be at the time. Sylvia Browne would never do it for me, personally. But wasn't it the philosopher John Lennon who sang, "Whatever gets you thru the night?" Or was that the recently married Elton John? You have to find what works for YOU. I have zero answers as well.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 12:05 pm
Lol Kearie. I got the cutest pair of red slippers from my mom and step-dad and I have others but they'll just go in the back of the closet while I wear these new ones.
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Jimmer
Member
08-30-2000
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 12:29 pm
I’ve been married quite awhile now and I have kids. I’ve never felt sorry for my single friends. Seriously, one thing that really irritates me is when people measure someone else’s “success” based on their own pedantry criteria. I find it goes both ways. I’ve had single friends look at me and shake their head – they feel sorry for me! I wish people could just accept that not everyone desires the same thing that they do and not be judgmental about other people's choices.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 2:13 pm
when i was single i had folks constantly trying to pair me up with someone at social events. i made some really nice friends that way but didn't date any of them. i never let the idea of me being alone stop me from going anywhere i wanted - even to those time-share sales that REQUIRE a married couple. i make a lot more money than some married couples do together. anyway, i am comfortable with who i am and even though i am married now i still have no problem going to events by myself. why should i drag my dh to something he isn't interested in? or why should i stay at home if dh is out of town or sick? as my dh told his friends before he introduced me to them "she's one brassy biotch".
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Monday, December 26, 2005 - 3:57 pm
Yesitsme, it sounds like you encountered something that has always tweaked me... the discrimination against those who are not married (or, in fact, those without kids). I haven't worked at a company like that in a long time, but I remember well the days when a spouse was invited to attend an event, but single folks couldn't invite a friend or whatever. (People who have kids always get extra time off while singles rarely do.) How rude to decline to let you bring a traveling companion. (Let alone whatever the sec'y said that sounded awfully rude, too!) Fortunately, I haven't seen a company do THAT in a long time!!!!
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 7:02 am
There definitely are patterns. Singles hang out with other singles. Families with kids hang with kids. Of course there are exceptions. I've lived both ways. When you have kids they dominate the rap. There's nothing more boring for a single guy to be hanging out with his married friends and all they can seem to talk about is their kids. Is there nothing else? War in Iraq? Illegal immigration? Cost of health care? Money spent on Katrina vs. Iraq?
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Jimmer
Member
08-30-2000
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 8:30 am
I couldn’t agree more. I have mutual friends that absolutely make no effort to talk about things that may interest the other person. It’s very frustrating, because I feel like I’m engaged in simultaneous separate conversations with them. It’s ridiculous. It reminds me of a press conference where a politician is asked a specific question and then responds on a completely different topic. We try to remember what it was like when we were single and visiting people with kids and we deliberately don’t talk a lot about our kids in that situation.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 12:13 pm
Friends and social circles seem to change a great deal after a divorce and that's hard in itself.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 12:25 pm
A thought about psychics: I think a lot of psychics are full of bunk. What I do believe is that everything you say and do is recorded somewhere in your DNA (if you follow new scientific findings, you'll know that they are discovering DNA has "speech patterns", they think it might be a record of everything ever spoken.) Anyway, I think that some can sense or are really receptive to these types of DNA patterns in people. I don't think it has anything to do with "afterlife" or "spirituality" I think that some people can sense a vibe (like dogs can sense fear because of adrenaline) and pick up on someone's thoughts or actions. I also think that a lot of people have this in a way. That they can pick up when someone's is "a bad person" or the get a "bad feeling about someone" or something like that. Think about mother's intuition, etc. I also think women might be more sensitive to this than men. Just a thought that makes sense to me.....
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 12:52 pm
Escape...that makes a lot of sense. In a thread about categorizing people someone posted a psychological test and one of the types of people were highly perceptive of others. Maybe this is related in some way.
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 7:37 pm
I definitely think there are people who use their senses well....and probably even some have true psychic ability. I doubt that those who really have it broadcast it, though, so I am always weary of that. While I am an excellent judge of a person if I am around them for a long period of time, I am horrible with first impressions. I used to think I was good, until I realized how many people I like at first then realize they are not what they seemed and others who I hate at first and then learn they are people of great depth. One of my best friends in college was a guy who I hated at first sight. I voted against him getting on a team he was trying out for and when we had a 3-3 tie I refused to change my vote (though he had great qualifications...the best of those who applied.) Someone else changed their vote, he made the team, and became one of my dearest friends from those years (and the guy who changed his vote hated him.) He was obnoxious on the surface, but underneath it was smart, passionate, loyal, caring and someone you could depend on. And he always told me the truth, whether I wanted to hear it or not. And if I disagreed with what he thought was truth, he could handle it. He was a gem. I have been weary about thinking I was good with first impressions ever since...and have enjoyed some great people as the result. So, I won't be handing out my psychic shingle anytime soon....but if you hang around me for any length of time, you may as well tell me who you are because I will soon know. And I may let on, but I may not!
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, December 28, 2005 - 7:22 am
Jimmer, Your comment made me think back on two couples I deal with, one is my twin and his wife and the other is this couple in my little movie club. Both couples are very good at talking about themselves and their problems but show little interest in asking about me or my life. What kind of message does that send? They matter but I don't? Or maybe it's just as simple as they are good at talking about themselves, making it sound entertaining or dramatic, and I'm not? I also think people fall into habits. We'll talk about the movie for awhile, very briefly, and then it naturally drifts into what this couple is doing, and me and my other single friend get basically ignored, as if our single life is not valued. Some people are better at asking questions than others. Some people are more comfortable talking about themselves than others.
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Wednesday, December 28, 2005 - 8:00 am
It's just a symptom of our "self-esteem" culture. I think when people started paying a bit too much attention to that, they sort of forgot to tell people that you also have to esteem others. As a result, we don't do very well with either. You combine this with having homes equipped with tvs with lots of channels, computers, comfy couches and the like and the art of conversation is dying! But it is not dead yet, so when you do find the people who are good at it, you grab them for your circle of friends and gab away.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Tuesday, January 03, 2006 - 12:55 pm
A couple of thoughts about "using your senses well"... I don't believe in psychics, although I'd love for one of them to prove me wrong. But I do believe in intuition and "using your senses" and that some people are more in-tuned and sensitive to this than others. I read an interesting book called "protecting the gift" and it's about keeping children safe. In the book he talks about how we train children to ignore that inner voice that tells them things aren't "right". When a child shy's away from Uncle Joe and doesn't want to give him a hug, we force the child to do so, telling them to have good manners, when possibly the child has a bad vibe about Uncle Joe and we are telling the kid to ignore that. I found that theory very interesting. As for being single, I must be an odd duck because NO ONE ever tries to set me up. Maybe they just think I'm a lost cause. 
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, January 04, 2006 - 7:00 am
I like that little blurb about the bad vibe and Uncle Joe. Agree. I guess sometimes we value good manners over trusting your gut instinct. Maybe more effort should be made into trying to figure out why little Johnny doesn't want to give Uncle Joe a hug. (Or maybe no one really wants to give Uncle Joe a hug?)?. Maybe you're lucky Brenda. Getting set up by friends is a long shot too. Sometimes it works. But if it doesn't then people can get angry at friends..."why did she set me up with that creep" kind of thing. Went to a New Year's Party, daytime, watching bowl football with friends I only see once a year now at this time. The host has been with this woman for maybe 5 years now. They live near each other but separately. They travel together. Saw brief slide shows of their China trip during halftime. They seem happy. I'm wondering why don't they simply live together. Maybe that would ruin it? Modern life? Or in case someone better comes along it won't be so messy to disentangle???? I've always been the kind that if you really like someone you want to be with them all the time, as much as possible anyway. Maybe I should reassess that thought for the 21st Century...
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, January 04, 2006 - 9:25 am
On that note no one should force a child into physical contact of any kind if they don't want to.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Wednesday, January 04, 2006 - 9:46 am
I agree, Escapee - other than necessary medical attention and even then it should not be forced but rather gently explained and insisted. As for relationships in my 40s, I'd be quite happy with a relationship that was less than living together. I like having my own space. Joined at the hip togetherness lost its attractiveness to me long ago. But everyone is different, and whatever works for you should be the guideline.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Wednesday, January 04, 2006 - 10:39 am
I totally understand being together but not living together. I would LOVE a relationship like that. As Kar said, it's a situation of being accustomed to having my own space. Plus, I have enough problems cleaning up after myself and have NO desire to do so for someone else. 
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