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Archive through March 15, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through March 15, 2006 users admin

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Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 1:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
Jeep, yes and no, tell. I told my absolute best friend that her husband was sleeping around. I wanted to be sure to protect her. But I did it in such a way that later on she smacked me upside the head for not smacking HER upside the head.

WRT to the family who turned their noses at you... well, they are no longer in your life, yes? So let it go. Let it get you angry, recognize that you are angry, and then let it go. If these people are so miserable that they can't even express the smallest civility towards you, then let their karma catch up to them later on. You did the best thing you could do... say hi. You're the bigger person here. So recognize that they angered you and let it go.

Oh, and I'm not divorced. But I do know of what I speak... Divorced or ex-BF. It's still the same, especially if you were part of his family for any length of time.

Jeep
Member

10-17-2001

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 2:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jeep a private message Print Post    
LOL Mocha! I can see you jumping over the fruit, just like I wanted to do!

Marysafan, I never thought of them feeling like it would be a betrayal to talk to me. They are very straight-laced people who do not approve of this type of behavior one bit. But like you said "blood is thicker than water" and they probably feel different now that it's in their own family. He's the ONLY one that has done anything like this.

Karuuna, I had similar thoughts in my head. After the run in last night, I was even more determined to look them all right in the eyes, smile and be so nice it'll make them sick. Like Max said, it's my anger, my issues, not theirs and I have to deal with it. They should be embarrassed, if not for what the ex did, then for their reaction to me.

Maris, I don't know what to say to you. The family acting ignorant after a divorce is one thing, but after a death is just so uncalled for. I like what you said about write them off. So, I will continue to wave and say hi and keep on going. Their loss.

Denecee, I do like most of my ex's family. I especially miss his mother. She's a saint. She's also 95 and has some memory loss. She still asks where I am when the ex visits her! I make a point to send her flowers at every holiday and send cards, too. It breaks my heart not to see her, but I don't dare go to the home and chance running into the ex and his wh---. And they never take her out anymore.

In regards to telling a friend about an unfaithful spouse, I probably would but stick to the facts and not speculate. If I had been given even a hint, I would have investigated until I found out the truth, one way or the other. I would give him/her that option as well.

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 5:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Jeep, I was thinking along the same lines as Max. It's weird when it is the family member you love at fault. You detest their behavior, but still love them incredibly and you don't quite know what to do with all of the emotion. Sometimes it masks as anger. And if it is a relatively small town, they were probably mortified and humiliated and could be flat our angry at the whole situation and what it did to them. (When it gets down to it, we're all a bit self-centered and don't always acknowledge the real victim!)

As for the affair, if we were talking about a close friend or family member, I would definitely tell them because I would want them to tell me if the shoe was on the other foot. What if they got a sexually transmitted disease and I had that information and hadn't given them the knowledge that could protect them? Even if they don't believe me, at least I did my part. And I would be willing to lose a friend over it if it came to that, though I don't really think I would lose a friend I would value. Hopefully if we are friends they know my heart and would know I did it to help. Now if I didn't have a strong relationship with the person, I probably wouldn't tell. Too many unknowns and not my responsibility. I would never mind if anyone, including a stranger, told me and I can't see myself blaming the messenger. I'd investigate (probably instead of confronting right away...I read too many mysteries as a kid) and if they were wrong, just forget about it, but if they were right they helped get me in gear to deal with it.

Maris, it is so sad that your husband's family is behaving that way. They could have supported you during this time and instead wanted to take from you. So sad for them that they don't have you in their lives....they are missing out!

Springer
Member

03-12-2004

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 6:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Springer a private message Print Post    
Jeep,

I have been following your story about your divorce for several months now. I admire how you have handled yourself and how you have been able to move on with your life without letting the pain consume and cripple you.

You are strong because you have not allowed him to continue the pain and ruin your future. It is time to move on. I have never understood why people can't move on with their lives. Why do they continue to wallow in the past and let it destroy them? That gives whoever has hurt you in the past, be it an x-spouse, parent or whoever, way to much power over you. That is what I admire about you the most, Jeep. You have taken away his power.

You have not blamed the ex's family for the problems and show a love for your ex-mother-in-law that breaks my heart. I wish that there was some way that you could spend time with her without fear of running into the x and his wife......but at least she does know that you still care about her through your flowers and cards.

As for the rest of the family, you are doing the right thing by just smiling and making polite small talk. They probably know that the x made a bad decision, since they have known you for so many years. I'm sure that I wouldn't know what to say either. So, since there are no children involved, it is best to move on with your life. Now if there were children, it would be important that they continue to have love and connection with the family, if possible.

Now, about your first question....to tell or not to tell. I was in this situation only once in my life and that was 25 years ago. My husband and I had close friends. I will call them Bob and Betty. From what we witnessed, they had a very good marriage and loved each very much. I will never believe that it was Bob's habit to sleep around......but one night he did and he was very drunk. Into the picture comes Sharon. Bob, Sharon and my husband all worked together at a flight school. One day Sharon admitted to my husband that one night Sharon and Bob got very drunk during a stop at the bar to discuss their flight school students. It ended with a trip to a motel and she got pregnant. She confided to my husband that she was pregnant with Bob's child but didn't want him to know. She wanted the child very much and could afford to raise the child on her own. She always wanted a child but never marriage. She also knew Bob and Betty very well and believed that they had a good marriage and didn't want to destroy his wife and 3 children's lives.

My husband confided this information to me and we decided to never tell Bob or Betty the truth. Life went on. Bob and Betty moved up north a year later. Our most consistent contact with him is their yearly Christmas letter. They are happy and content and now have 4 grandchildren. Sharon has a beautiful son who is now out of college and starting his own family. The only person who was hurt in this situations was the son because he never knew his father.

We believe we did the right thing by not saying anything. This is only one story. Who knows how we would have reacted if the circumstances were different.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 6:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
So the child grew up without a father? And a father never knew he had a son. I hope neither needs the other's kidney.

Springer
Member

03-12-2004

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 6:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Springer a private message Print Post    
Mocha,

Is that all you can say? I am interested in what you would have done?

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 6:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Um yeah that's all I got to say. :-)

That's one of those things that I wouldn't have wanted to even know about cuz I'm not sure I could've kept quiet about it.

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 6:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
i think that is terribly unfair to the child. i wouldn't have directly told him but would have found a covert way to let Bob know. then he could have decided how to handle it.

Springer
Member

03-12-2004

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 6:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Springer a private message Print Post    
Mocha and Cndeariso,

I understand what you are saying.....but we did know and decided to abide by Sharon's (the mother's) wishes.

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 8:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
Springer, I understand why you kept your silence. But I kinda agree with the others... it's a tad bit unfair to the kid.

And no one commented on my point... sometimes you do need to tell in order to PROTECT the friend. You want to be sure the friend is having safe sex with the spouse, and you want to be sure the friend is getting tested. All it takes is one time, and you can end up with Hep C or some other gawdawful disease. I am far from a prude, but I will not tolerate sleeping with my SO's partners at the same time.

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 8:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
I agree.. I do understand that it wasn't yours to tell, but how unfair to the kid (and even the real dad).

I would have supported her right to get an abortion had she chosen that, but once she brought a baby into the world I thinsk she owed him knowing about his father.

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 9:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
Not just knowing ABOUT, but KNOWING. It should've been the kid's and the dad's decision. At least they should've had some input into it.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 9:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
I would definitely want to know if my ex-wife was having an affair. Now that the subject is out there, hmmmm, I wonder if she was.

If I saw a good friend, married, and kissing some other woman, what to do? I guess I'd email Karuuna and have her do it for me, LOL. Fortunately I can't recall ever being in that situation. How often do you see two people making out in public, well, especially if they don't want to get caught!

Was thinking of changing the name of the thread to Baby Boomer Support Group or something like that. But as many have said, we know where to find this thread, imperfectly titled as it may be, so why mess with it.


Lancecrossfire
Animoderator

07-13-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 9:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Lancecrossfire a private message Print Post    
Newman, what a great idea about emailing Karuuna when such things happen in our lives!!

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 10:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
I am e-mailing Karuuna as we type here. :-)

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 10:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Ack!

Baby
Member

01-08-2006

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 11:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Baby a private message Print Post    
You could always start a "Karuuna's Advice" thread. I love reading her posts and all that she has to say on a variety of subjects. She is a pretty smart lady, if you ask me! What about it, Karuuna? Good idea, doncha think?

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 11:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
RMAO Newman! ... emailing Karuuna!!

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 7:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I feel like Lucy in Charlie Brown. I need a sign that says "Advice 25 cents!"

(Thanks Baby! That was very nice of you to say!)

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 7:22 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Costa there was no need for me to comment on your comment lol.

Those kids also have a sibling. Growing up an only child, I would've killed to have an older brother or sister. Still would. But that's just me.

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 7:50 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
Also, since I'm assuming the mother has no contact with the father... Isn't it the kid's right to know his entire health history? Just because mom had a one-night stand, should the kid pay for it for the rest of his life? Half of how you get treated at a doc's deals with your medical history AND your immediate family's. Not knowing could do this kid a huge disservice.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 8:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
To be honest, I'm not sure medical history is more important than mental well being.

It's impossible to predict how differently this child's life would turn out if things had been handled differently. There is an underlying assumption that it would have been better had he known his father - and we really have no way of knowing that.

What if telling had meant the other family had broken up? Would his father really been a dad to him, or resented him at some level. Maybe his father still woudn't have been involved. Wouldn't it be a greater blow to know his father knew of his existance and didn't want anything to do with him?

We don't know what this mom told her child about his dad. Or if he has other male figures in his life who have mentored him. Frankly, if the kid is doing fine, that's tough enough in today's world. I"m not sure I would be secondguessing the decisions of the mother.

Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 9:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
I have to agree with Karuuna on this one. It's not so cut and dry. It depends.

Telling Bob may not have produced a loving father son relationship. It may have produced a son who wondered why his father never called or never wanted to see him. It may have created a sense of loss in the boy. We don't really have enough information to know what the boy was told about his biological father or to know if he had a father figure.

Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable stepping into other people's families and telling their secrets or telling them what to do.

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 9:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
I'm not saying it's cut and dried. I'm saying there are many other factors that should've been taken into consideration. You can't say "yes, I would have told" or "no, I wouldn't have" without knowing all those factors. I'm merely presenting another point of view. And in this day and age, a very valid one. As someone upthread posted... I hope neither kid or dad ever needs a kidney! :-)

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 9:30 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
It's very easy to second guess. I think that Springer probably made a very thoughtful and difficult decision, knowing the personalities and the expectations of those involved.