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Archive through February 26, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through February 26, 2006 users admin

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Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 8:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I don't know. I'm such a wuss. Or is whimp a better word.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 8:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
I think something like karate is a great idea, but you have to do it because you want to learn karate, not meet some guy. That way, you're doing something you want to do and if you actually meet someone, well, that's gravy.

Chewpito, I think you have to be forward. Frankly I never think of flirting at the Supermarket. I'm so task oriented. I want to get in and get out. I never think of meeting anyone there by chance.

However, my good friend does. And he describes situations like you just described. And yes, he kicks himself for not asking the woman for her phone number. Sometimes he goes back to the same store, around the same time, and hopes he meets the woman again, hoping that she has the same shopping habits.

Personally, I'm shy. I would love it if the woman made the first move, you know, if she was interested (and if I was interested too, of course). I say go for it. But be safe about it, of course.

Is it safe to give your phone number away to a complete stranger? Sigh. The modern world. You have to take some risks don't you? You have to trust your gut instincts. If you just had a great, natural, flowing conversation, just by chance, in the produce section, I say don't let that opportunity slip thru your fingers.


Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 9:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Dogdoc, Valley Girl.

Newman, are you shy or afraid of being rejected? I know I'm probably both. It's been many years since I've had to think about meeting anyone and I'm still not ready to try, so I don't know.

I do know that I would like to be the pursued and I don't mean playing a game of cat and mouse. I'm too old for that. However, I would like for someone to show that he is willing to go that extra mile. In my marriages, I was expected to be the aggressor because both men had security issues where they needed the constant reassurance. They said it was "my job." The problem was I never got anything in return and eventually I had nothing left to give.

I have learned many lessons and I do know that if I do meet someone special, I will settle for nothing less than an equal partnership.

Giving phone numbers to strangers? I don't know. There are a lot of wolves out there in sheep's clothing. I know - I was married to the leader of the leaders of the pack. I also have a child to consider. But, you're right. That could be "the one." I guess it's one of those we'll see when the time comes.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 9:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I think you have to do what works for you. Joining a group you like, doing an activity you like, or being forward at the grocery store. Life is about taking risks.

And so what if the guy at the grocery store says no thanks? He might. But it may just indicate he's already involved; or not ready to get involved. It's not an indictment of you, it's just a simple "not this time". The next one might say yes.

Wasn't it Wayne Gretzky who said "you never make 100% of the shots you don't try"?

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 9:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
And Baby, you're not in any trouble. Just think pay it forward is worth its own thread. And I'll join you too!

Baby
Member

01-08-2006

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 9:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Baby a private message Print Post    
Shucks Karuuna, thank you! I will sleep better now! And as soon as the thread is set up, please come on over. That would be great!

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 10:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Yep, I need to get more "balls" but honestly, id proubly pass out in the process... Im not much for giving out my number.. but possibly.."Hey, like to get some coffee and talk sometime??".. "like this minute" (befor I chicken out) LOL - shriveling as I think of it. Oh well, hopefully ill run into that guy again, It was the first time my blood pressure slightly went amuck over a guy, in ages. Newman, does your friend shop in northern ca.? Just wondering...

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, February 24, 2006 - 10:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
I only give out my cell number.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 7:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Newman, I didn't mean to infer that I took karate to meet men, that was just a beneficial side effect. I actually joined because my sister suggested it, and it is the story of my life that I do what my big sister suggests. (This is the same sister who when we were kids would do things like : When we came to a new sled riding hill she would say "Go ahead, you can go first." I of course always did. I never figured out that while she was safe and sound at the top, I was flying into unknown danger.) I loved karate and the people I met there. I have never been prouder of myself as when I broke my first board and again when I got my black belt. I do not see anything wrong with being drawn into karate to meet men though.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 7:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Native, I'm shy AND afraid of rejection. Who likes to be rejected? Maybe salesmen have a thick skin and are used to it. That's not me.

I've always been the one that has been seduced. My pattern. Not proud of that, just the facts, ma'am. But I don't think I need constant reassurance once a relationship is in full swing. That just has to do with having sex the first time. It's complicated, of course.

My thinking? Obviously she knows I'm interested. Men like sex more than women (can I generalize that point?). A friend of mine said (in his 20s) "if women liked sex as much as men, well, people would be doing it in the streets!"

That's why I wait to be seduced, or wait until she is ready. It's tricky stuff. I realize that women want to be pursued (wooed). They need to feel wanted. But a man wants to feel wanted too, or that it's ok to move it forward to the sexual level, and beyond.

Another one of my thoughts. If she doesn't want to seduce me, if she doesn't want sex, then it's rape. That sentence looks harsh on my monitor but the sentiment is there.

My feeling, when I was dating, was that if we weren't having sex by the third date, something was wrong or it wasn't going to happen. That was when I was in my 20s and 30s. I can wait longer now (if I was dating) but not much longer, really. Sex is important. If she doesn't want to have sex...well...I have enough boyfriends, I'm looking for a girlfriend!

A lot of this goes unsaid of course. It is said in body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, reading minds, reading emails, phone calls, dinners and talks.

Another thought: if I'm having a really good time on a date with a new person and she seems to be having a really good time (I can be reading the signals wrong), then isn't having sex a natural progression, to increase the good time, if both adults are feeling secure and ready and wanting to??


Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 7:33 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Dogdoc, I didn't misinterpret what you were trying to say (I think). I think I was trying to say the same thing. Let's say I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar or cook. I take an adult education guitar or cooking class. I learn the skill I've always wanted to learn, and hey, I might meet someone there to boot! Hey, I might even meet a guy there, but he might have a sister or a co-worker. You never know how things work out.

Karuuna, I bet Gretzky did SAY that!


Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 7:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
maybe i'm old fashioned but i don't look at sex as part of dating or being girlfriend or boyfriend. i look at sex as part of a commitment to a permanent relationship. and, until that commitment is felt the sex doesn't 'feel' right to me. i've tried casual sex and felt empty or hollow afterwards regardless of how 'great' the experience was at the time due to hormones churning.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 8:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Newman, I think it's not helpful to generalize about sexuality in that way. I know many men who simply would not want to be intimate until they had dated for quite some time, and some even that would not until marriage. I also know women who are quite comfortable with having sex very early on in a relationship, or outside a relationship completely.

Perhaps it would be more helpful to look at people as individuals, and just ask them what their sensibilities are about these things. If you really care about someone, whether they are comfortable with being intimate early or after a few months or a year or marriage - then you accept them for who they are without making some dire prediction about good/bad, or right/wrong. Just call it different. :-)

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 10:03 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Allright,im going to get kicked off for this, but.. I grew up in a time when sex was very exceptable and enjoyed and mostly freqent. We didnt worry about bad things,dying or std's or even getting pregnant for that matter....Yes I grew up in a town the size of "mullberry" small logging town, and every body was your friend and every body was your lover...It sounds really bad, but-- It was just the times. Free Love,.. It excisted, small towns,big citys, it was just a way of life "way back then" and Newman, im sure you had no problem back then, cause every one was pritty forward back then..so your shyness probley never prevented you from being seduced.... The late 60s and 70s was a time of freedom for many, and I was part of that time. Isnt this thread sorta about that era. THis is how we turned out, divorsed, widowed, confuzed, Needing our space,trying to hold on to our youth, but its a whole differant time.. we cant do what we used to do back when...Its differant now. we have to hold up to this days standards,eather for the kids we are raising or for are own exceptence in todays times. How many of you have done some pritty crazy stuff, and have stuffed it back into some crevise of your mind,(like a page from a book,but no! thats not you).. When I had my daughter,(shes 21 now) I strieghtened right up...no longer to be wild and carefree, mother hood took over, and if any thing, I became a model parent, single mom, but I worked my butt off to give her every thing..every thing revolved around her....Allright, now she has moved out.. I cant be the person I was, I dont know how to be a woman with out a kid, I dont want to be alone, but dont trust my desisions enogh to go out and try over..Its like im suddenly sopposed to just fall into this new life, but not so easy. Any way, just a few of my rambling thoughts once again...

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 10:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
The "Paying it FORWARD" thread is located here.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 3:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Newman, a lot of women have had bad exeriences with men and don't want to rush into sex. If that is what you want after a few dates and don't get it is this women no longer worth seeing? Sex is much more intimate for the women than the man. She is actually letting the man inside her body. This is not something the man is owed. It is something that may happen or may not. When a woman feels she can trust a man is when she ready for intimacy. At least that is how I feel.

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 3:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
Ah, Chewpito, the good old days when the boomers used up all of the sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Pre-AIDS. Post-pill. Ahhhh, the halcyon days.

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 4:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Yea Juju, somthing like that,...LOL. I thought someone might get it...

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 9:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Karuuna, I'm just giving my thoughts and perceptions and feelings, here. I'm not thinking of being "helpful" or not helpful, for that matter.

I'm thinking my thoughts could be helpful to others, in the sense that other men might think like I do, at least other men from my era.

I think the thought I was trying to convey was this: if I've been dating someone and it's been going great, and if after three dates we aren't having sex, well, I'm thinking "what's wrong?" She doesn't feel it too? She doesn't like me? For me I get all sorts of insecure feelings at that point.

Or I used to. I never dated all that much anyway. I used to simply fall into things. I wouldn't call it dating per se.

Dogdoc I hear what you and Karuuna are saying, I do. As Chew pointed out, I am from the pre Aids, pre std, pre herpes era. Times were so much simpler then.

I think (again, for ME), the problem with a long "engagement" without sex, is that I am not a salesman. If I feel like I have to sell myself to her, for her to want to sleep with me, well, it's not worth the effort. These things should just happen naturally. She should want and like to have sex with me too. If I have to convince her that she wants it too, well, then maybe we're just not right for each other.

Does that clarify anything?

"If I'm worth it you'll wait," she said.

"Don't you want me?" he asked?



Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 9:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
yes, it clarifies that you aren't even considering that she might not be sleeping with you yet because it's not in her comfort zone to sleep with someone so early. The best relationships I've had are not the ones where anyone tried to convince me of anything, they simply accepted that my timing was different and that was just fine with them. That's what makes me feel loved and valued. :-)

Jimmer
Member

08-30-2000

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 9:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Maybe I’m naive but I think that every relationship is different. I don’t think that you can quantify how much someone likes you or will like or love you by how quickly they want to have sex with you. Some relationships get to that stage very quickly while others take some time. By giving up too quickly or forcing the issue you may end up missing out on something fantastic in the long term.

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 11:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
actually,some of the things I miss the most in a relationship, would be of the sexual nature. Ive allready proven to myself that I can live alone, manage a yard,pay the bills,take care of any crisis that gets thrown at me....but to have someone to spoon with at night...ahhh,I miss that. And unless I felt a true connection, then I wouldnt be waisting my time any way..

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Sunday, February 26, 2006 - 8:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Karuuna, your words make me realize I am not communicating very well. I think I hear you but I don't think you are hearing me. Hmmm....

Intellectually I hear what you're saying, Jimmer. (Which is essentially what Karuuna is saying). An old song just popped into my head, "You can't hurry love, you just have to wait, love don't come easy, it's a game of love and take, you can't hurry love..."

Who was that...the Supremes?

Chewpito is essentially saying the same thing I am (or we're both trying to). We are talking about FEELINGS vs. INTELLECT.

Feelings win out every time. What she said up there...you miss having someone to spoon with at night...and like I said earlier, I have plenty of boyfriends who I can discuss current events, sports, personal matters with.

What is missing in my life is love and sex and warmth and feeling.

Jimmer, intellectually I can certainly THINK that she needs more time, time to feel comfortable with me, time to feel safe, secure, ready, blah, blah, blah. OK. How much time? One month? One year?

Why isn't she feeling what I'm feeling? Why doesn't she want to sleep with me? I want to sleep with her. This is great! She could be the one!! We agree on so many things, on being embarassed by President Bush, on the secretive government of Dick Cheney, on the Eagles, fitness, yoga, nutrition, conversation, money, family, friends, tv shows, economy cars, coffee, red wine, church, travel, novels, nature, balance, work, and so forth. WE click on so many issues/categories. Why wouldn't she want to go all the way??? Why wouldn't she want to get closer?

Doesn't she want more? Does she just want afriend to go to movies and dinners with? Wait. Be patient. Good counsel when you're 35 but I'm 56. I don't have time to be patient (well, actually I've given up trying to find Ms Wonderful, so all this is hypothetical anyway, LOL).


Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Sunday, February 26, 2006 - 8:42 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
She's not feeling what you're feeling because she's not YOU! :-)

People are different. Many women, like me, have had men who simply wanted to use them. Some women want to know you're going to be around for the long haul before you become intimate. Some women simply want to get to know you better (which takes much longer than 3 dates) before they share wth you what they consider to be an extremely valuable gift of their being. For many women (and men) it takes trust to be intimate. And trust is not something that happens right away once you've been kicked around a few times.

And some people don't like to feel pressured. The very essence of your post is if you love me, you will. The simple counter is, if it's love, you'll respect MY feelings and wait.

Think of it like running companions. Someone is comfortable running 6 minute miles. The other is comfortable running 9 minute miles. Expecting the person who runs 9 minute miles to run faster is insane and could hurt them. But it's not so hard for the 6 minute miler to slow down. Maybe frustrating, but not painful unless you mentally make it so.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Sunday, February 26, 2006 - 10:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
How about talking to the woman Newman? Ask her if she wants to get intimate instead of guessing and speculating. You can also ask in a non-verbal way. Plant one on her and see how she reacts. If her mouth opens and the hands start wandering over you then your're in. If she pulls away then she ain't the one. Move on to someone else.