Author |
Message |
Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:31 am
Alcohol makes me break out in lovely red blotches all over my face ... not very attractive. And I don't find dating to be stressful ... I find it exciting!
|
Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:32 am
Lol yall are silly. And everyone knows I can handle myself.
|
Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:33 am
I've realized why I hate dating....I'm not drinking enough first!
|
Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:38 am
Kearie, you reminded me of a story a friend of mine told me. It was her first date with this guy and she really, really wanted to go out with him but she had a stomach virus. She went anyway, and about halfway dinner she realized it was a mistake. She told the guy she was sick and she needed to go home. They get in his car and pretty soon afterwards she vomits all over the place. She said he was very nice, but when they got to the house she ran inside and up to the bathroom. She figured he had left, so she took a shower, where she cried and cried. She got out of the shower, put on a robe, went downstairs and found him sitting in her living room. He didn't want to leave until he knew she was OK. They are now married and she said that his treatment of her in that situation made her know that he was the kind of guy she wanted.
|
Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:38 am
Here's the thing about statements like this: quote:That's why I don't trust people who don't drink. Seriously. Beer and wine help to break down the inhibitions, help people to relax a little, and put them in the mood for love.
When you read something like this, you can choose to interpret it as something offensive to you, or you can choose to accept that this is true from Newman's perspective and not anything directed at you. This is simply Newman's experience, just as it's the experience of others that alcohol consumption can be a caution flag when considering a prospective partner. Newman's experience is that alcohol "greases the wheels" so to speak. The experiences of others, such as Native_texan, are that alcohol consumption can be problemmatic in a relationship. Both experiences are true for the individuals who made them. Neither individual is telling anyone else that they should feel that way as well. They are simply saying that they choose to seek partners who have views about the issue similar to their own. Bottom line is we all have our "lists" of deal-breakers when seeking a potential partner. Personally, if a guy smokes, he's not in the running with me. He may be a great guy in every other respect, but the smoking is a deal-breaker. Yes, that's a generalization, but it's my choice and it's not negotiable. I don't like the smell or taste of a smoker, period. For Newman, if he chooses to put "non-drinker" on his list of deal-breakers in a potential partner, that's his business, not mine.
|
Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:42 am
I guess I need to ask more questions. You said 3 dates and I took that to mean around three dates, not a specific cut off date. What I don't know is ... How far apart are these three dates? Is it 3 dates in a week? or 1 a month? Are they in public or private? How long do the dates last? How much talking and communicating do you do when you aren't on a date? Are there personal phone calls to just talk? Have you discussed sex and long term relationship yet? Expectations?
|
Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:42 am
Merrysea, This is the decision making process in a nutshell. Is there something to it more than just sex. I guess everyone is different. I don't want to have sex with some woman if she is a bubblehead or a Repubican. I'm just speaking for me here. Other men might just want sex. Isn't that easy to determine in the first three dates by you women, in the conversation? I suppose if you had three dates like the ones we can only imagine Christina and Burke having on Grey's Anatomy (where they can only apparently talk about work) then you wouldn't get to know much about the other person. Again, I go back to the five minute dating concept. It's like love at first sight. You can tell, generally speaking again, from the get go, from the first five minutes or so, whether there's a chance at a future or not. Certainly after 3 long dinner dates filled with conversation, back and forth, questions and answers, laughter, can't you tell whether you connect with the other or not? And whether you want to deepen the connection??
|
Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:44 am
i love this thread. i enjoy reading all the different perspectives even if they don't ring true to mine. that's the best part of this thread - is to see how everyone else views life and the experiences they have had that guide those feelings.
|
Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:46 am
Lance, I concur. Landi, I have a name for you. Lucky! I'm envious. Lucky you. It's better to be lucky than good. Luck is the residue of hard work. You can come out with all sorts of cliches or blather, but in the end...oh to be lucky in love...
|
Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:47 am
LOL Yesitsme...I won't tell you what happened last time I was at a bar with a guy and a bunch of friends. Let's just say I didn't make it out of the bar. AGH!!! The guy I was with had me giggling on the way out afterwards. He was wonderful too.
|
Rabbit
Animoderator
08-12-2001
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:47 am
Deal-breaker:

|
Wendo
Member
08-07-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:49 am
quote:Lancecrossfire wrote, "We are getting very close to the line of putting someone down for their opinion."
In what way? How is writing that I find it foreign to judge someone based on whether or not they drink alcohol putting someone down for their opinion. I'm expressing how I find that notion bizarre and cannot understand it.
quote:I think I'll pass posting my thoughts. It seems differing perspectives are ok for some to have, but not for others to have.
Can you point out the posts that support this comment? As a poster in this thread (along with many others), I disagree and take offense to the suggestion otherwise. If I wrote the above, that some are allowed opinions and others are not, wouldn't I be moderated? Hmmm.
quote:I'll pass on taking the chance of falling into the latter group, and pass on being allowed in the former group when others are not.
Are you saying that posters in this thread are excluding others? If so, I completely disagree. If anything, it seems that those posting here are making efforts to ask questions and understand many different points of view. As a poster in this thread myself, I take exception to your comments and disagree.
|
Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:50 am
I don't understand why anyone cares that Newman wants sex after a handful of dates. If that's what he wants, that's what he wants. If the gal he's with wants it, too, then all is well with the world. If she doesn't, then it's up to her to say so and the two of them will decide whether or not to continue dating. What the rest of us think about it is really of little consequence. Every individual is different and that's what makes the world an interesting (and sometimes frustrating) place.
|
Wendo
Member
08-07-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:54 am
Yesitsme, that's a wonderful story about your friend. WOW!
|
Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:59 am
MAX...to answer your question, I don't care that that is how Newman chooses who to date...so to speak... but I do tend to assume other men feel similar to Newman. He's just the only man really posting his view about it. I see this as more of a female/male difference thing then an "everybody against Newman." I do know that as a general rule men put more importance on sex than females. That's not to say one enjoys it more than the other. I see it as a common problem in relationships. Men need sex to feel validated and women need validation before they want sex. It makes it a difficult balancing act for both parties to get what they need.
|
Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:59 am
Maris, I guess it's me. I like to think of myself as a good writer, good communicator. It doesn't seem to be getting across. If a girl tried to jump my bones (how's that for an old college days cliche) on the first date, it would scare the hell out of me (unless I met someone like Landi, but now, at my age, no, it would scare me, turn me off, push me away.) It's just the age and experience thing. That doesn't happen in real life, in your mid fifties. I look in the mirror. I know I'm not a sex symbol. I know my strengths and weaknesses. Still...if she doesn't seem interested in sex with me, I would be aware of it. It would bother me. Kearie, I would take it personally. I just would. I think it's because I resist being a salesman. I blame JD Salinger for that. I don't like phoniness. I like honesty. If I have to sell someone on the concept that I am loveable, well, can't she just see that?? I don't know how to sell. I would die of starvation if I had to be a salesman or if I had to be Scott McClellan for a month!
|
Wendo
Member
08-07-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:01 pm
quote:Max wrote, "When you read something like this, you can choose to interpret it as something offensive to you, or you can choose to accept that this is true from Newman's perspective and not anything directed at you. This is simply Newman's experience, just as it's the experience of others that alcohol consumption can be a caution flag when considering a prospective partner."
How are we, the readers, to know if he's making a general statement or one specific to himself and his experiences if he doesn't say so? Is it so hard to write one or two extra words letting the reader know what one means? And, are we to assume what someone else is thinking when all we, as readers, can go by is the words they write? If I wrote, "All men think with their smaller head than their larger one," is that ok because I'm writing from my own experience? Should men not be offended by this comment because it's my perspective?
|
Legalboxer
Member
11-17-2003
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:03 pm
Max, you are right - its just the question of speaking for OURSELVES and not to make broad statements - in MY VIEW, i am not looking for people to soften sentences to keep others from feeling hurt - its a matter of wanting THE TRUTH and making broad statements about men and women or any group just leads to false assumptions - we should be able to say whatever we want about OURSELVES and OUR life, but it IS WRONG to say that our view is the way everyone thinks or acts or feels, and that is where some of these posts are going wrong. We each have a right to our own view on life and if others disagree or have differing views, that is ok - but we have to understand that our life does not reflect everyone's life. and at least in MY approach, as long as i have faith in myself that is all that matters since we cant always change the way others see life.
|
Wendo
Member
08-07-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:05 pm
Max, to be fair, Newman brought up the discussion about three dates/sex and posed questions about it. Posts subsequent to that have been in response.
|
Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:10 pm
Max, I thought that Newman was looking for input and other viewpoints regarding relationships. If someone expresses frustration at finding the right person and then tells me of a behavior that I think might impede finding such a relationship, I would offer my opinion. The point I was trying to convey was that if Newman goes on a date and communicates his view regarding the future of relationships based on whether his date will be interested in sex in three dates, that might explain why he would find it difficult to develop a relationship with women he dates. Hell what do I know anyway, I havent been on a date in 27 years.
|
Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:10 pm

|
Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:16 pm
I forgot what I was supposed to be answering.
|
Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:18 pm
Assumptions are an interesting thing. When someone writes, "Men enjoy sex more than women," one reader can assume the writer intends this statement to represent the feelings of ALL men. Another reader can assume that the writer is expressing a personal opinion regarding men and women. Should the writer be more specific or should the reader use less assumptions? Is the glass half empty or half full? Hmmmm. . . Yes, Newman brought up the question. However some of the "discussion" seems to be more about trying to convince him he's wrong than to express differing viewpoints. Not all of it, but some of it. (And of course we've removed some of it, so it's hard to point out specific instances here. ) When it comes to communicating clearly on a message board, no one is perfect. In fact, I'm not sure what perfection would look like in this regard since there is no way to convey tone or body language, which are two very key components of clear communication. When the only communication component is writing, how the reader interprets the text is heavily skewed by the reader's own personal filters. Sometimes, no matter how clear the writer attempts to be, readers will take a different meaning from the words than that which was intended. It's unavoidable. It's also part of why I think books are always better than movies -- the movie is the director's interpretation of the book, which may be very different than my own. 
|
Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:40 pm
Max, it's kind of like the difference between how we can talk about people on Big Brother. The rules of the board here specifically state no name calling. So you can't say "Joe Blow is an idiot" but you can say "Joe Blow is *acting* like an idiot." It's also the difference between saying "men are idiots" and "in my opinion, men are idiots." The former is a crass generalization while the latter is a personal generalization. So yes, it's semantics. But I'll call it on someone if he or she says "Beer and wine help to break down the inhibitions, help people to relax a little, and put them in the mood for love." How am I supposed to interpret that? Had the statement been prefaced with "In my experience..." I might have understood things differently. But I do, and will, take exception to "help people relax a little, and put them in the mood for love." Because, um, no, not everyone. I call it out when someone speaks for me ("everyone thinks Joe Blow acts like an idiot"), so why would I not do the same thing when I see a statement like that which was posted? It's quite easy to convey what you mean without making a blanket statement. Especially one that you know will be controversial ("all men are idiots"). So, to answer your question... yes, the writer should be more specific. And yes, this is especially important in an area of the board in which there are strong feelings. As a moderator, you know this (it hasn't been that long since Big Brother was such a heated discussion area! <grin>). DISCLAIMER: All of the statements above that are in quotes are examples only. I do not know Joe Blow so I do not know whether he is, or acts like, an idiot. I also do not know all men, so therefore I cannot know if all men are idiots. Nor do I think that. All other comments are my opinions, to which I am entitled.
|
Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Friday, March 03, 2006 - 12:45 pm
Ok so I think the issue is about relationships, casual or monogamous(sp) or long term or short term... I'm not sure anymore cause I got confused. Ultimately I'm looking to love and be loved unconditionally. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy the journey to get there. Because at this point right now, today, I'm just looking for the physical. I'm not looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I also do not ever plan on getting married again. Not cause I was that burned but because being wifey isn't for me. You do you and have your own home to go to and I have mine and we can meet in the middle or at your place or mine and do the love thing. I have no time frame rules. I go with my gut and my feelings. Basically I know from meeting someone if I'm going to do the bump n grind with him or if I'm not and I'm very upfront about that and I expect that in return and have gotten that. But I need to be stimulated mentally first. I also have this phone rule, if you can't talk coherently on the phone or if you sound like a gnome then that's not going to work for me. Those who like to wait and or they're looking for another to spend the rest of their life with, that's ok. But for me, no I'm not going to have a man and wait months or years before becoming intimate because I have needs just like they do. Lol xdh always told me that I thought more like a man and i guess I do cause I can hit and quit and move on...
|
|
|
|