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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 4:00 pm
I liked your post, Jimmer! I just finished left-overs from yesterday. I still have some left-overs from the left-overs from last night. Would you care for some? I could probably send them over-nite! Very tasty, I might add!
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 4:07 pm
Thanks Baby! If you say they are tasty, I'm sure they're delicious. I'll settle for the description though. 
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 4:15 pm
The problem with finding love is often not that there aren't people to love, it's that we want to custom make them to our specifications. I think the world is badly in need of love and lovers. But real love means loving someone even when their picture doesn't fit into the perfect picture frame you've created. People have this way of just being their own selves, no matter how WE would have them be. It took me 47 years to figure out what real love is. It means loving someone just as they are, with whatever annoying little habits they have, with their sometimes needing alone time when you desparately need together time, with the odd little noises they make, the occasional nose hair (or wherever you're not-supposed-to-have-hair hair). And the wonderful thing about is finding someone who loves you just the same way, even when you change your mind ten times in 15 minutes, or can't make up your mind, or get stressed when someone asks you something the wrong way, or wake them in the middle of the night for the tenth time because you had a nightmare, or need your alone time when they are hungry for together time. The more accepting we are of ourselves, the more "satisfied" that wherever we are today is okay (even though we plan to keep getting better), the more we love our own lives and goofiness, the more we are capable of giving that to someone else. Love IS grand. I was happy before. I'm happy now. It's just the icing on the cake.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 4:19 pm
Left-overs are garbage on the third day. Wise choice Jimmer. Sweet thot Baby...and that's what counts. lol
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 4:24 pm
Kar...Your post reminds me of a college paper I wrote about love being masochistic. Basically it said that until we learn to love ourselves, we can't really love others. It's about learning to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly in ourselves ... and then learning to accept it in others.
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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 4:46 pm
Well, alright then Jimmer (you bad, Kearie!). You don't know what you are missing out on! It's too late anyway. I threw the rest of the leftovers out! I was just joking with you. Kearie is right. Third day left-overs are garbage! Yucky stuff!!!
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 4:55 pm
the other night i had a conversation with a friend about why our parent's marriages endured and so many people's now do not. he thought it was because our parents settled for not being happy. so i asked him what did they have. he said support, companionship, some to share with. i asked what wasnt happy about that? he couldnt defend that position. so i threw out my take on things. we are so self absorbed and think we are so deserving there must always be greener pastures somewhere. and we never stop looking.... for something that doesnt exist. as long as we are talking about two humans together we are going to have imperfection. those who can accept that and have a like minded partner have a chance to endure. those who cant continue to look. or give up and look for other ways to be happy. but i have to agree with newman to a certain extent. we are social animals. we are not meant to be alone. so how do we make this work? if we can figure that out and put it in a bottle we will be rich beyond our wildest dreams.
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Ladytex
Member
09-27-2001
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 5:52 pm
I want that brownie sundae supreme, myself ... 
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 5:53 pm
Our parents couldn't get No-Fault divorces until the 70's. They HAD to endure unless they wanted to blame someone for a faulty marriage and they had to prove their case also. Divorce was uncommon prior to the 70's.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 6:01 pm
I think some of our parents were stuck. Divorce was TOO difficult then. But I think we have become too narcissistic now. We look for the love that completes US. It's all about what WE want, not what we can give, not about accepting what is. The pendulum has swung too far in the the other direction. Part of life is being unhappy. Part of life is enduring. Too often we quit relationships when the tough part starts, instead of hanging in there and making it good again. We'd rather start over, and say "well, s/he just wasn't right for me." I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship. But I'm often amazed at the reasons people give for leaving - they often seem rather trivial to me, something that could have been worked out, if they didn't believe the Burger King ad and think they "should have it my way".
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Ladytex
Member
09-27-2001
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 6:14 pm
There has to be a happy medium ... some say it was too hard to get divorces back then, I think it's too easy now. Too many people, not all, think of marraige as disposable ... if it doesn't work, we'll just end it.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 6:15 pm
You know Gidget about Rule #1. It's ok to agree with Newman. And not "just" to a certain extent, either. It's ok to fully agree with Newman. Many of our parents weren't "happy." We have to start using the same definitions of the same words if we are ever going to get anywhere. I think many of our parents (parents of Boomers) did settle. They got married, weren't happy, but stayed in the marriage "for the children" or because society frowned on divorce. If you settle for something, you might be ______ but you certainly aren't "happy". The thing is I agree about the greener pasture theory. (Mocha, stop reading at this point because I'm going to retrieve the rock I threw in the lake). My Ex was an angerholic and was extremely jealous. She made my life miserable with her yelling and screaming and venting. These behaviors don't come out in dating. I think I could have picked a dozen women on this thread and have had a better life than the one wife I chose. Should I have stayed with her and suffered? There was no way to fix it. I could have sucked it up, manned up, like men of my parent's generation, but I wanted the hell out of there, and did get out after our one millionth fight. Actually moved out on my birthday. I'm glad I did.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 6:45 pm
Just read Brenda's post from 11:48am and I plead guilty. I do tend to think everyone should think like I do. I project my values on to others. I know it's really too much to ask for other people to be at such an advanced level as myself. I don't know why I keep doing that <chuckling out loud as I type>. It goes to definitions of words. Fulfilled is higher than happy which is higher than content which is higher than "just ok" on Newman's continuum. Me, personally, I could be content being a single Dad, having a child, taking care of him/her, and having no love life of my own. I don't see how I could be "fulfilled". And honestly, I don't see how anyone else could be either. Who amongst us can say when they were a teenager that they wanted to grow up, and have a kid, and raise that baby all by myself? Doesn't sound like anyone's American dream to me.
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 7:06 pm
LOL i didnt know about the rules. well not that rule anyway <wink> in the last few days it has been discussed not to take everything personally. i did not mean to imply anyone in this thread or anyone reading along gave up too easily on their marriage. i was just thinking out loud based on a conversation i had with a friend. i saw my own parents have many ups and downs but at the end of the day they have always loved each other. of course i wasnt there when they fell in love but they were only in high school. surely they have both grown over the years and changed and yet that love... that spark endured. i agree with kar that abuse and for me also drug abuse is a deal breaker. most everything else can be worked out. but only if both parties are willing. my heart goes out to you newman and so many people who have written here and for myself as well. i too am hoping to love again. i cant imagine life without love. and in fact i may have found it and i am scared to death. how does anyone move on and love again. how do you take down the walls that protect you. i don’t know. thankfully he seems to have the patience of a saint but for how long.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 7:10 pm
I know during the course of my life, my dreams have changed several times. I had dreams of going to college and becoming a Vet. My parents divorced and the money was gone. No college in my future that way. I had a child out of wed-lock. She wasn't an unexpected surprise. I had dreams of marrying her father. Then he tried to kill me. She was three when I finally made it to college. My major changed 4 times. At 26, when I graduated...my dreams and goals changed again. I wanted a masters. I had to have a hysterectomy. My hormones in a wreck and I couldn't deal with school. My husband left me. My dreams changed again. To be honest, most of my dreams are for my daughter now. I've accepted and am comfortable being alone. There is so much less stress. Right now, I really don't want the responsibility of a relationship. I don't want to compromise my living space, my habits ... I want the stress free life of just being responsible for myself. My child is grown and gone. (I look forward to grandchildren). It's my time. I shared a strong relationship with my daughter which requires giving and giving to that child. It includes responsibility for another's life, well being and perhaps future success as an adult. Now It's time for me. Time to rediscover me as a single, alone person. I haven't been "alone" for 19 years. Empty nest is a blessing and a heartache. But now it's time to rediscover me. Make new dreams...and continue my life in a new direction. I'm glad my dreams have changed. I think they've changed as I've grown and learned.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 8:39 pm
My parents and Aunts and Uncles (with one exception) all stayed together with their spouses. Unless they were the best actors and actresses on the planet and completely fooled all of my cousins and I, they were all very happy. My Mom and Dad were great together. They sure weren't staying together for any reason other than they cared very deeply about each other. They weren't stuck. I'm not sure what the secret to this was? It's nothing obvious that I can see. I honestly don't have a clue why it worked so well for them.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 8:45 pm
Just a few additional thoughts. Do people enter into marriage now, with greater doubt in their minds about how it will work out and knowing that divorce is easier? Expectations can be very powerful. I think of people who have pre-nuptial agreements. Maybe it is wise, but doesn't that almost sound like they are planning for the marriage to fail?
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 8:48 pm
My mom told me as she got older it became more important to find a best friend in a mate, than romantic love. She also said she never wanted to marry a good looking man...they're more likely to cheat because more women will want them. LOL Sometimes mom's wisdom is good...sometimes I'm not so sure...but her hubby ain't pretty and they've been married 20 years. LOL
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 8:51 pm
"Who amongst us can say when they were a teenager that they wanted to grow up, and have a kid, and raise that baby all by myself? Doesn't sound like anyone's American dream to me. " Raising hand... I can! Honestly. Saw it on 20/20 when I was probably 14. The nobel sperm bank as they called it. Planted a seed in my mind about how great my life could be even if I never married. I could still be a mom! Did I want to marry a filthy rich lawyer and have 4 kids? Sure, that was the fantasy. So was meeting Michael J Fox and marrying him. Since neither came true I decided to be happy for the life I did build. "I don't see how I could be "fulfilled". And honestly, I don't see how anyone else could be either." But can you acknowledge that other people DO feel this way? Even though you can't understand it? Myself, I can't understand how some women don't want to have kids. I just boggles my mind because I've never felt that way. But I have friends who feel that way so while I'll never understand it, I do know on an intellectual level that they feel this way and they are happy people. Forgot to respond aobut the greyhound -- I did know someone who had a greyhound that completely freaked out whenever he was gone to work. The dog was a basket case and tore the house up. Very sad situation for the dog (as it was obviously not properly socialized as a pup).
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 8:52 pm
I think it may be wise to protect the parties sometimes...but it should have a time limit on it. If you've been married 15 years, raised kids together and suddenly a divorce happens...I think a pre-nup should be void... so to speak. I don't know. I do think it gives the mind set that you can get out without loss. If you can't trust your partner...why are you getting married. Guess I have mixed thoughts about it.
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 8:59 pm
Ok, now I have the lyrics " If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, from my personal point of view get an ugly girl to marry you. An ugly woman gets your meals on time, take it from me she's a better kind." Actually the song had a catchy tune if I remember.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 9:08 pm
LOL...my mom must have been inspired by that.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 9:09 pm
With people marrying later I can completely understand having a prenup. When people got married young, they built their assets together. But coming into a marriage with assets you've built yourself for years, potentially uneven assets, leaves you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. My good friend lost a bundle to her ex-husband and while they remain friendly, she would never marry again without a prenup.
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Wendo
Member
08-07-2000
| Monday, May 15, 2006 - 10:16 pm
When dating, I have a problem with men who are patronizing, dismissive and condescending. Men who imply that their opinion is the only right one and I should agree with it; men who have an inability to view all the other multifaceted sides of a situation. Men who suggest that I am somehow beneath them and if I would only get to the same place as they are then, well... It's that notion that they are somehow better than me and more informed than I am. I can't tell you how much of a turn off that is to not only me but many of my female friends. When a man displays that type of behavior I feel nothing but utter disgust for that man. And then they wonder why they aren't involved with someone...
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Tuesday, May 16, 2006 - 5:36 am
Wendo, you should be able to eliminate that characteristic at eharmony.com. Just remember when you check the box to mark an X on "not looking for an A-hole". (if only computer dating were that simple). Brenda, but wouldn't you be "more fulfilled" if you were married to the filthy rich lawyer (who valued your opinion) and the 4 kids in an expensive home in Cherry Hills than you are now, solo? Dogdoc, I never liked that song and what about the crazed Greyhound that Brenda was warning me about? Is that the exception that proves the rule or can I be just as "content" without a pet? I'm not sure romantic love actually exists in a long standing marriage of say 30 years. My parents slept in different beds as I recall. Dad was a snorer and a thrasher. I don't think they had "the pill" in the l950s. They were civil to each other, even kind at times, never fought but once that I recall. But were they "in love?" They cared about each other and our family. They had a better marriage than I did. They got married late in life, too, a second marriage for my Dad, which was scandalous in his day, and not revealed until he died in l982! He got married when he was 46 because he really wanted children, a family, and wife number one didn't. Props to Dad for going after what he wanted...
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