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Archive through February 18, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through February 18, 2006 users admin

Author Message
Jimmer
Member

08-30-2000

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 10:44 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
It’s a great feeling to be able to solve someone’s problems. To come up with the right answer that will make everything right. We want to help don’t we? So it can be a bit discouraging when someone rejects your suggestions.

However, I try to understand (and I’ll be the first to say that I am not very good at this) that sometimes the best help you can give someone is simply by listening to them, offering some helpful suggestions and then being willing to listen some more. The nice thing as well on a public forum is that even if you may not be able to help the original person, others may benefit.

Another thing that I try to keep in mind is that a person may not be looking for “help”. Rather they may be simply enjoying the discussion and the exchange of ideas.

I like what you said about marriage Landi. Some couples seem so determined to keep it 50/50 that it is almost like they are keeping score. I think that there has to be flexibility for a marriage to last.

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 10:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
The moment I decided I had had enough whining in my marriage was when my husband, in all seriousness, whined at me "You don't understand what it's like to have a wife who's been sexually harassed by the pastor." Poor guy, it must have been really tough on him!

By the way, I married at 20, divorce was final when I was 44.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 11:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Something I remember hearing from somewhere.

Marriage doesn't work if you go into it thinking it's 50/50. You should go into it both willing to give 100% You go to work and give 100%, so why not your spouse? Hopefully your relationship will balance out and be 50/50.....but personally give it 100%.

Also....I'm willing to bet when some baby boomers got married the first time divorce didn't come easy. In the 70's it first became legal in California to have "No Fault" divorce.

Now divorce is thought about even before people get married. There is rarely "till death do us part" now a days.

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 11:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
my husband didn't want "till death do us part" in the wedding and let me tell you i had a hissy fit at the time. i said, ohhhhhh so do we put in "till i get pissed off at you and can't stand the sight of you anymore?" i got laughed at. it still didn't get put in. and after the years of marriage and seeing other marriages, i realize, dang, i can see why people would not have it in.

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 11:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
Jimmer, you are right about the suggestions helping other people. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I have been idly reading threads at the tvclubhouse and have come across something that was very helpful to me when it was intended for someone else. This is indeed an amazing community.

Jeep
Member

10-17-2001

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 12:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jeep a private message Print Post    
I agree Juju. I have found many things helpful or just plain fun, even if it wasn't directed to me. And being here also helps me put my problems in perspective. Others have so much more to deal with than just a divorce. Sometimes it makes me feel small to be complaining.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 7:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
What are aubergine accents? I'm glad I don't live anywhere near Baltimore, although I've been to Camden Yards. Bailey, errrrrr Mocha, and me are like oil and water I'm afraid. I'm an earth sign. I bet she's a fire sign (if you believe in that crap).

Maris, I'm 56. I used to read all sorts of psych self help books in my 20s and 30s. I'll look for that book you mentioned at the library. Hopefully it's on tape, which is how I mostly do reading these days.

One thing at a time is always good advice. I think Ben Franklin suggested that, way back then.


Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 7:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Hi Maris and Newman. I love self help books and psychology books. Best psychology ever "Unlocking the Secrets of Your Childhood Memories".I no longer worry about making changes in my life, not even one step at a time. I enjoy each day. I try to stay away from negative people. I enjoy coming to TVCH to listen in to conversations here because they are moderated and people cannot be nasty.

Pamy
Member

01-02-2002

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 8:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Pamy a private message Print Post    
Honestly, I just think Newman needs to get laid

LOL j/k

Moderator
Moderator

06-30-2002

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 8:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Moderator a private message Print Post    


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 8:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Wrong again Newman, I'm an earth sign too.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 8:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Jeep, when I hear you "whine" about your ex, well, I don't think of it as whining. It just seems to me that you are talking about him. Maybe criticizing a person or a tv show is considered whining by some or just being analytical by another.

I don't think Mocha could school me. Afterall, I'm older and wiser than she is (will Mocha let me say that?) (and can I get that nuance past the mods), oh here, (that seems to work for Mocha anyway).

I'm reflecting on the part in your post where you say you were devastated by your ex. I broke up with mine in '97. Never remarried. Never even really tried again. Everything DID fall apart for me but I wasn't aware of it or sensitive to it I'm thinking now. Our boys joined the Marines (anything to get away from us <sad but true> and my daughter is attached to my ex's hip. I was "devastated" too, but I never thought of it that way.

Jeep, I don't see what you're writing as whining. You are merely being open. Some things in life are negative. Are we never supposed to talk about them for fear of being labeled a whiner? I think not.

When people get married people that vow..."In sickness or in health".... WE take that vow when things are going good, when we are healthy (our families too, probably), when we are in love. Then...life happens...

Everyone meets challenges differently. Your spouse couldn't deal with a sick parent. I couldn't deal with a screaming, yelling, abusive wife, who couldn't control her temper. She could control it at work, ok. She never got fired. They loved her at work.

But at home she would constantly let loose. OK...I'm whining...but therapy didn't help...I couldn't threaten to fire her, now could I? So I was numb for 7 out of 9 years...then it just became too much...the last straw...the one millionth fight...


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 8:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Wiser is open to interpretation Newman lol. You have age on me but that's bout it.

And yes you could've fired your ex as in told her to get dahell out or you could've left. Oh and I don't consider the above post whining.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 8:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Rosie, in the last archive, I didn't quite understand your post. Did you mean , or ; ? I wasn't sure.

Yesitsme, that is a skill, allowing a friend to whine and then getting them to turn the page and get on with life. I'm dealing with that right now. My pal constantly talks about his health and I offer solutions that he won't do. Fortunately he doesn't dwell on the health thing and we move on to other topics. Still...

Landi, liked your phrase pity party. Some people really revel in their self pity and others enable them to do so. I hope I do neither.

Also agree with what you said about compromise. My wife was also an earth sign. We weren't very good at compromising. Huh. I wonder if Mocha and Me would be any good at compromising <laughing hysterically>.

JuJu, that was a good definition of whining. When you give good suggestions, and none of them are taken, or even listened to, well, then, the person just wants to whine and I just want to escape!


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 8:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Bite your tongue Newman.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 7:22 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Jimmer,

I guess I never understood "just talking it over" When someone comes to me and starts unloading their problem to me, well, I assume they are asking me to help solve it.

Of course, you're right. Sometimes they are merely talking it out, not asking for solutions, not asking for me to help fix it.

But my male mind doesn't work that way. If that is all you want to do, just talk about your problem with your weight, let's say, well, you could just as well talk to a pillow or your dog. If you don't want to hear me say eat less, eat more vegetables, fewer breads, get some exercise, try swimming, try walking with a book on tape to keep you going, etc...

If you don't want to hear how I WOULD FIX IT, then you're just whining.

Jimmer, I also think it is so much easier to solve other people's problems rather than your own. Part of that is that is the forest for the trees thing. It's easier to see their problems. Sometimes you can't see your own troubles clearly because you are right in the midst of the forest and there's no sunlight coming thru to help illuminate the situation.

Jimmer, that thing that Landi said, about 50/50 and what you said about keeping score...good points both. I was always looking for a 50/50 thing and I always kept score. Maybe those were huge mistakes.

However, if you put "all the effort" into a relationship, and get so little back, don't you feel like a fool? Or that it's not worth it? Or maybe you just don't see what you're getting back??

50/50. I remember stressing the division of labor with my ex. She wanted to do things together, romantically. Let's shop together. Let's cook together. Let's walk the dog together.

Unfortunately there is only so much time in the day. I could be walking the dog while she was cooking, or fixing the fence, or helping one kid with her spelling homework, etc. She wanted unrealistic romance and I wanted to get the chores done, so I could kick back at 9pm and relax and watch Grey's Anatomy or whatever before I got up at 6am to do it all over again.


Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 7:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Merrysea, when you put it that way your ex sounds like a cold, uncaring, heartless, selfish cad. And I'm not going to take his side. You can't make me do that.

HOWEVER, I'll relate it to my ex, is the role of the husband to be his wife's therapist? I don't think so. Sexual abuse from a pastor seems so huge as problems go. How does one ever get over that?

How can I say this delicately...is it fair to your mate to constantly complain about something? That is wearing. It focuses just on the negative. Daily.

Ummm...isn't this exactly why relationships don't work? You're expecting your husband to be kind, caring, a good listener, a friend. He's expecting you to be fun, happy, a good cook, a friend, upbeat, and sexually hot for him. Expectations...

Kearie, that is such a good observation in a nutshell. When people get married, usually, everything is beautiful. They're in love. Then life happens.

And the modern thought is "am I really going to have to put up with this crap for the next 30 years?!! This isn't what I bargained for. She wasn't a screaming, yelling lunatic when we first met! This can't be fixed. I want out of here! We are a bad match. I'm not good for her, either!"

I kind of think this way myself. You work on the problems. Maybe get some counseling. And then what? Does God really want us to suffer for 30 years? If it can't be fixed why shouldn't we get out. Isn't it better for both????


Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 8:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Just some food for thought....

Often when I talk about my problems, I don't want someone else to fix them. While I am open to suggestion, I am quite capable of handling and fixing my own problems. To think that I *need* someone else to fix them is, well, demeaning.

But I talk because that's how people become closer. To be understood is to be loved. To not talk about what goes through my head keeps my mate at a distance, never letting him see me, know me. And it is to be alone, even in a relationship.

I love the relationship I am in now. When I talk about my problems, he doesn't offer solutions or tell me what to do. He says how can I help? And I believe in you, I know you can do this. And he holds me, and makes me laugh and he understands. Not a solution in the bunch of things he does for me. Maybe that's why it feels so wonderful.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 8:50 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Oh Kar that's so sweet. He got a brother?

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 9:11 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
So true Karuuna! I agree most men try to fix things for you or tell you what needs to be done. Drives me nuts! I love the man I'm with but he's guilty of the same. I would love for him just be supportive & believe in my decisions. Very well put Karuuna!

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 9:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
Hey, Kar, can you clone him??? :-)

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 9:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Mocha, he has four.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 9:50 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Yay enough for both Max and me.

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 10:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    
Karuuna has a "relationship" and we have not approved it? We don't even KNOW about it?????? Aaaiiieeeeeee, what is the world coming to?

Babyruth
Member

07-19-2001

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 11:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Babyruth a private message Print Post    
Some detective dawg you are!



Happy for you, Ms Kar! :-)