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Archive through December 02, 2005

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through December 02, 2005 users admin

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Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 7:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Trying to find a new reason to keep on living. Not suicidal, but things change as I get older. What used to get me excited no longer does.

Not everyone is happily married. I want this thread to be about struggling with living alone and finding new things (or rediscovering old ones) that keep you interested in life.

Even simple attempts at finding new TV shows to watch have ended in failure. I'm down to 3, House, Gray's Anatomy, and Commander in Chief. Not really "excited" about any of them.

I've turned to books on tape but find it difficult to get a group together to meet and discuss them. Same with my movie club.

Politics is huge for me but I know myself. I'm just not a "fighter". I don't enjoy heated debate, trying to convince others of the obvious. Why can't people just see the world, hear the truth, and oppose Bush and his cronies like I do?

Why should it take so much effort on my part? Do I really want to sit on hold (on talk radio) to try to do my part, to take back the airwaves from the righties?

My children of divorce are grown, in their twenties, and in three different states. It's hard to create a closeness over distance, especially if the other side doesn't call or email.

Any suggestions? This could be a perfect time to learn how to play the guitar, but if I couldn't do that in my twenties...

Can you really consider writing here, on the internet, writing to strangers, as people contact? Does that count? Thoughts?


Bandit
Member

07-29-2001

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 9:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bandit a private message Print Post    
Newman, I don't know you, and excuse me for getting so personal, but are you interested in dating? There a few people in my office who are divorced and/or live alone and swear by these online dating services (match.com, eharmony.com, etc.). There is one gal in my office that goes out 3 or 4 times a week with different people. She loves it because she is exposed to a vast array of different interests. Sure keeps her life interesting!

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 10:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Herckleperckle a private message Print Post    
Well, Newman, I'm not alone, yet we're all really alone with our thoughts . . . with ourselves. The only advice I have is to try something. Then try something else. And stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on helping someone else. (I hurt someone's feelings one day saying that--so please, please don't take that the wrong way.) It is just so very real that when you lose yourself in something, you find yourself sometimes. Or another piece of yourself.

Has there ever been a time when you remember being passionate about something? (I mean besides politics. Sorry. I just can't offer advice I don't personally believe myself.) Why not volunteer on behalf of that belief? (I don't mean politics, but that is up to you.) Clean up the streams; organize a book discussion group at a library. Try to get men and women involved. (Women speak more freely at first, I think.)

One of the things I did with my learning disabled son (who functions pretty well on his own and has a lovely girlfriend) was to sweat and sweat to help him find the ONE thing that interested him. Because I knew if he found it he would take off like a jet plane. And he did. (There's nothing wrong with his IQ; but there is still a huge organizational problem.) Despite all that, he is essentially a great person. His heart is good and sweet. His loyalty is strong. And he really cares about right and wrong when it comes to how people treat one another.

So--though in many ways he has limited potential (I doubt if we'll ever get him to keep a checkbook), he is happy! (Not because he is unaware of his limitations, either.)

His main interest is videography (which he majored in at an art/tech school) and he's pretty darn good. (He won an award for the best video his senior year.) But he works on the phone doing customer service work for a credit card company right now. (He can out-talk most anyone I know and is good at his job.) Not what he wants to do, but he pursues that in his spare time.

He writes poetry (he is a fabulous writer), draws, and likes to yak to his friends on the phone. How old do you suppose he is? Sound like he's maybe 21 or 22? No. Matt will be 29 next June.

To answer your last question, well, I think that is individual, and it may be the right answer for a time and the wrong answer in the long run. I do think it helps me!

I have made friends here I wouldn't trade for anything. I feel so strongly about some of these people--that they are true, kind, honest without being brutal, excellent listeners, unbelievably witty and ALWAYS THERE . . . a great thing when you get up in the middle of the night with insomnia.

Supposed to be posting my update. Checking final threads and ran into this. Hope something I said helped. I am sure more people will be here, too. Hang in there! {{{Newman}}}

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 10:22 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
Newman, I think I have a pretty good sense of what you're talking about. I'm not exactly alone; two of my sons live with me full time, and the youngest half time; but I've been divorced for eight years, tried the dating sites for a while, and now I'm trying to decide what I want from the rest of my life. I can think of plenty that I don't want! (And I agree with you about politics - the truth has always seemed so obvious to me!)

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 10:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
How about volunteering at your local Rec? I know they're always looking for volunteers or even at your local school.

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 10:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
Newman,
I have lived alone for more years than I lived with someone. For the most part, I prefer it, but that's me. :-)

Some good advice has already been given. Find something you like to do and do it. Find a way to connect to others -- through church (if you go), through a club of some sort (I have my car club), through volunteer work.

The only way to stop feeling alone and isolated is to take steps to not be alone and isolated.

This time of year is particularly difficult for those of us who are alone. I never had kids, so I haven't had a traditional family at the holidays since I was a kid myself. I'm not sure if that makes it easier or not, but I do know that I can easily get blue during this part of the year.

To combat it, I do things. My car club had our thanksgiving potluck and I organized and ran the silent auction (half the money to the club, half to the Children's Cancer Association). This weekend, we are delivering toys to the same organization. I visit friends. I attend church. I make the holidays about things other than the Hallmark card version. I do things that I enjoy and that make me smile and sometimes make others smile, too, even if I don't see that part.

I know myself and although folks think of me as an outgoing, social person, it would be very easy for me to become the scary lady on the street who rarely leaves her house and has cats. I work at home, too, which means I'm isolated in yet another way, so I have to make conscious efforts to NOT just stay home with my cat (only one, thank goodness).

So, I am in a bowling league. That gets me out of the house once a week. The car club keeps me going most of the year -- it's been a wonderful source of support and friendship. I was in choir at church, but have recently had some issues with the denomination as a whole and some changes at my local church as well, so I'm re-evaluating where I want to be with that. I took a part-time job with a local company that runs casinos for private parties (no real money). I deal blackjack for them and it's a ton of fun. This time of year is our busiest with company parties and such. It's another thing that gets me out of the house and into some social interaction. Once I'm going to do any one of these things, I am that outgoing, social person that folks see and I do enjoy it. I just need to make sure that I GO.

Anyway, the point is, put yourself out there. Do something you like with people you can enjoy. Do something for others. I think it's the best way to combat depression in general and it's really the only way to stop feeling so alone.

As for online dating, well, I know folks who have been very successful with that venue, but I've not had good experiences with it myself. You'll have to make your own decisions and judgements on that one. :-)

Sillycalimomma
Member

11-13-2003

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 10:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sillycalimomma a private message Print Post    
Well, I don't really live alone since I have my dd and I am not a baby boomer so I'll just leave my activities out of this convo I guess. Lol

Actually a lot of my time is taken up with college (and now work again) but I really enjoy it. I will probably continue to take course long after I receive my degrees because I never want to stop learning

My great grandmother is 87 years old and she takes course at the local community college. She is also a tutor. It keeps her busy and active in the community still.

Thats about all I got...sorry I couldn't be of a bigger help-but I myself am a total hermit crab

Justavice
Member

11-22-2005

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 2:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Justavice a private message Print Post    
I am not an empty-nester, but my mother is, plus she recently moved across the country where we have no family. She talks a lot about similar feelings, which become especially strong after she has visited family or family visits her and she is left alone again.

Anyhow, I am not sure if this is what you were looking for and it really is something quite small, but fun at the same time. One thing she has recently discovered is being a "mystery shopper". Apparently, there are organizations that you can contact and sign up for "assignments" and are compensated for your time and feedback. For example, she was asked to go to a particular movie theater to rate the customer service and had some specific things to look for. She received compensation for the tickets and refreshments for her and a guest. From what she describes, there are all kinds of different "assignments" (from cruises to restaurants to bookstores, you name it) and you can be as busy as you want and can say yes or no to whatever type of activity you want. It has been great for her because she is able to go to new places, meet and interact with people, make a little extra money, and most of all she really wants to help consumers and likes that her feedback, opinion and experience are important to someone.

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 2:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
I'd love to find a real mystery shopper gig.. the sites I found all wanted your personal info and wanted you to buy something, but I know it does exist and sounds great to me!

===

I'm like Max.. basically a recluse if I let myself be.

I agree with others, get out there and take classes or volunteer and I think if you are looking for a dating situation, better to match yourself to the ativity or class and go for the activity itself THEN if you do meet anyone, they will hopefully share that interest.

I've been through years of depression on and off but have really made an effort, especially once I got my knee surgery and could be more mobile, so I do go work out (well I've slacked off since Nashville and it would behoove me to get back on track there! ), am taking piano lessons, went to the opening of our senior and community center and with some friends I met at a class, we've gone there for a couple of lunchs.. well I found that they have jigsaw puzzles, which I love and it really is fun to work on them with other jigsaw lovers.. and I've taken some classes there.. met some women who were in a scarf knitting class and re-learned a couple of things like casting on and I'm really enjoying that very much!

Haven't been an active volunteer for awhile, but that can be extremely rewarding and bring you out of the depths.

====

Of course, if you are chronically depressed, you might consider seeing if antidepressants would be helpful. I've been on them in the past with some success. (off them now)

And who knows, maybe a bit of pampering for yourself.. indulge in books or music or a comfy robe? Last year I had to drive 700 miles each way to Tucson, AZ, having made a promise many years back that I would attend a certain HS graduation, and my gift to myself for that trip was to finally have a CD player installed in my car.. and that gift has just kept on giving :-)

And my situation is.. long divorced and I guess by now I've lived on my own more years than not, no children, parents have been gone for over a decade, only brother isn't local.. so truly living alone. (psst don't tell the cats I said that)..

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 2:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I only live alone half-time, when my DS is with his dad. But frankly, I"m so darn busy, it's hard to feel lonely! Volunteer work is the answer for me. I meet folks with common interests, views and community awareness; and those blossom into friendships.

Then there's always my TVCH buddies too! :-)

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 3:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
A Tvch meet will definately keep away the boredom lol. Only problem is then waiting for the next one and the next...

Emeraldfire
Member

03-05-2003

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 3:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Emeraldfire a private message Print Post    
Newman, are you saying you're depressed or just sort of bored or lost, looking for something to get excited about again?

As far as the guitar, I think you will find you may succeed now more than when you were in your 20's (more focus, patience, etc).

I am divorced with one teen left at home and I find myself at a loss of what to do sometimes when I have too much time by myself.

As far as having conversations here, I feel it is communicating and these people, though you may have never met them, are no longer strangers to you. You know how many feel politically, about shows, books. I have to lurk alot because right now I can only use my work computer, but the posters here have made me laugh and think, sometimes raise my blood pressure when I disagree, but their posts (as yours) always interest me. This is a community of good people where you can enjoy interesting conversation about a number of subjects.

I say enjoy your family here, take some of their excellent suggestions and try the guitar again!

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 3:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
I can't imaging being at a loss of what to do. :-) Usually there's so much to do that I can't make a decision of where to start! I need to clean out the house of a BUNCH of stuff and list it on eBay. I have tons of knitting/crocheting and other craft projects that I want to do. I have transcription work to do (that's what I do from home for a living). I have parties to go to where I deal blackjack. I have friends to call/visit. I have bowling league (where I'm also secretary/treasurer). I need to wash my car. I need to clean out the garage. I need to exercise. I'd love to go for a drive on a nice day and take a bunch of photos to see if I can do something creative with them. I need to get information together for upcoming tax season. I haven't begun to decorate the house for Christmas. I need to bake cookies for the annual cookie sale at church.

The list goes on and on. Really there are so many choices that it can be paralyzing at times. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

:-)

Emeraldfire
Member

03-05-2003

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 3:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Emeraldfire a private message Print Post    
Max, you are one busy person!

My house is usually a 3-ring circus, but when my daughter leaves for an extended time to be with her dad everything stops.

At first it's great and I find plenty to do, the problem is remembering what it is that I like to do for me.

There have been some excellent suggestions in the posts above, including yours about taking photos (I'm going to have to do that one).

Sometimes after putting yourself on the back burner for so long you forget what it was that you used to love to do or get excited about. You need a refresher course. That's what I was wondering if Newman was going through. As far as exercise, I think I'm allergic!

Shadoe
Member

11-04-2004

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 6:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Shadoe a private message Print Post    
Newman, I am about your age, live alone (well, 2 cats-Booboo & Shadoe), and my daughter Eeyore lives in the other side of the country, so I can relate in some ways.
It is tough after having spent so many years providing for others and children to find that all of your time is your own! You think ok now what? You sort of forget what you did a few decades ago or some of the things are just not fitting for you now.
I say take your time - sit back and let your mind wander to things that excite you, awaken passion in you. Think of some things that you may have crossed your mind to try one day but you just never got around to it. Suggestions are nice, but they are not YOU.
You mention books and meeting with a group. The first thing that comes to my mind is the library or book stores. They all have little groups that you could join.
What do you like? Animals, children, crafts, exercise, nature, or anything that pops into your mind is a start.
I once used to knit and do some crafts but sort of put it aside while I was raising Eeyore. I have since gone through a bit like you and decided to pick up my needles again. It's been great too!
I joined a gym for the first time a few years ago and it's been fantastic.
The things that you could do are limited only by your imagination. Once that seed is planted in your mind, run with it. Try something completely off the wall and new and foreign to you - you may end up shocked and loving it!
Happy brainstorming!

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 10:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Was stunned to see so many posts on this thread. Thanks for all the advice.

I do think it's the holiday blues, mostly, plus of course I haven't given you the complete picture (breaking up with a girlfriend).

I have tried some of the suggested things. My complaint is that everything moves so slowly. When I was in my twenties I made friends fast. It was easier.

I've been divorced since '97, and I am pretty comfortable living alone now.

I have taken classes and will continue to. I've joined a church that I like. I have my own bookclub and occasionally join the library's.

The online dating thing didn't work for me and I don't know if I have the energy to try again.

It's the holiday blues, the war in Iraq, drifting away from some old friends...

There are no magic wands. Sometimes it's best to circle the wagons, get introspective, try to sort things out before moving forward again.

I think the big disappointment is with old friends. Just spent Turkey Day with them and will spend Christmas there too, but he's a far right wing Republican.

I can barely listen to two minutes of Rush Limbaugh before I get ill. How could my friend be won over by the dark side? I have another who is the same way. It really bothers me. You don't replace friends of 30 years with someone new who you met at church.


Schoolmarm
Member

02-18-2001

Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 11:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Schoolmarm a private message Print Post    
Newman, sounds like you are on the right track.

Honestly, my career keeps me so busy that I relish time at home alone. (or in a conference hotel alone)

Have you considered fixing up your living abode? Painting is very therapeudic, and you can make your house your home. One of the best things I did when I got divorced back in the stone ages was to paint the bedroom the color that *I* wanted. I would wake up every morning and smile at how pretty it was. It also helped make the room MINE instead of OURS. Maybe just moving the furniture around would do the trick.

I wish you all the best!

Shadoe
Member

11-04-2004

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 4:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Shadoe a private message Print Post    
Schoolmarm, that's what I do when I feel at loose ends - I spend a whole day downsizing and rearranging all my furniture. My cats hide and think I am nuts though. A change is as good as a rest, I say. Afterwards, I am exhausted but feel better. It's great when I see that I have some things I can donate to those who are more needy than I.

Newman, for Christmas, I think you need to get yourself that guitar and some lessons. Now's as good a time as any!
Grown children usually have busy lives, and I can't begrudge them their busyness because of any idle time I am having.
One thing I have learned is that you can't force friendship - all people change over time with their beliefs and interests so you can't expect old friends to change in the same ways as you have. The result is that we drift apart.
Just by getting out and socializing you will encounter new people and begin to develop new friendships.
Remember, haste makes waste, so don't rush or get impatient about it all.
What's meant to be will happen.

Now decide what the first song will be that you will learn on your guitar!

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 7:24 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Blowin in the Wind by Bob Dylan. But it's not gonna happen right now.

"What's meant to be will happen?" Is that really true? Or can I force things to happen by my will? Or is that the same thing??

I've heard other women suggest painting the house. I admit that I don't love my living space. But I'm not inclined to fix it. If it mattered that much to me, then I'd move. The furnace is too loud. I don't like one neighbor with the big, "smelly" dog in the townhouse next door. There's no yard (which is ok) and no view. And so forth.

What's the point of fixing up the place if I'm the only one who sees it?

This is the problem with the holidays. I'm a mailman so I see it close up, everyday. It's all about family and gifts and buying things. I don't have a family and I am repulsed by America's materialism. Everyone I know has everything they need three times over!

Granted I should buy a new computer (BEFORE this one dies) and a DVD player so I can watch movies by myself and comment to myself how much I liked or didn't like THAT new movie.

The Holidays accentuate that being alone is wrong. And it is. Ideally we all want to be in love and have a happy, loving family. Isn't that the American ideal? The French ideal? The Russian dream? The human desire??


Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 7:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
One word: Volunteer.

(Gets you out of the house, meeting new people, forming new relationships, appreciating what you do have, yadayadayada.)

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 7:33 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
For many years when I had no contact with my family (my choice) and few friends, I volunteered on Christmas and Thanksgiving Day. Either serving meals to the homeless or in a nursing home. One year when I was an aide in a nursing home, I even took 4 of the residents to my dinky little apartment for dinner. For the first time, that little hole felt like a home. It made me realize that as lonely as I felt at the time, there were others just as lonely - sad because their own children didn't have time for them on the holidays. It kind of put it all in perspective and I still remember it as one of the best Christmas' ever.

There's a time for being sad for what you don't have; but there's also a wonder in realizing how much you have by sharing it with others who may have even less.

Urgrace
Member

08-19-2000

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 8:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Urgrace a private message Print Post    
First avoid any confrontational political discussions with your long time friends. Avoid confrontation (period).

Try to see your world in a different light. Maybe sprucing up your own home would make it seem brighter and, who knows, you might invite someone over sometime just to see it! Making your personal space more livable is fine, especially if you intend to keep it to yourself, but will lift your spirits too.

Keep in mind that you are not alone here. This is the most real place I've come across on the internet, and a lot of us have met in real life. You can talk and debate everything right here at tvch, if you are respectful of others while doing it. (That was my concern in the tv area.)

Any activity that you pursue must be done with some vigor in order to be satisfying. Try to put a little more energy into your endeavors and you will get more energy. The endorphins alone will make you feel better.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 9:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
I'm sure there's more to talk about than politics.

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 10:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
What's the point of fixing up the place if I'm the only one who sees it?

Because YOU see it every day. Aren't YOU worth it???

Sillycalimomma
Member

11-13-2003

Friday, December 02, 2005 - 10:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Sillycalimomma a private message Print Post    
Oh, been there-done that. I have been friends with the same group of girls for over ten years now. We have come to an agreement at this stage in our lives that we love one another far too much to discuss religion or politics.
Odd that we are all still good friends I suppose with such opposing views! Lol