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Archive through May 11, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through May 11, 2006 users admin

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Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
i dated a guy before i got married who had custody of his two daughters. the mother was a nut case. i didn't meet the girls (ages 3 and 2 when we first met) until we had been dating about 6 months. we dated for 2 years. did they get attached to me? yep. did i get attached to them? again, Yep! i even saved the life of the youngest one from drowning in the pool. i will always have an attachment there.

we broke up when i met my husband. the boyfriend couldn't commit. he had been so badly burned. i wanted children of my own. he didn't want any more children. i soon realized, i was in love with the daughters, and not so much in love with him anymore. i had to move on for myself.

i still miss the girls to this day. and now they are grown up. haven't seen them for 18 years.


Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Gidget a private message Print Post    
LOL Landi that just made me think of my experiences with divorced men. Let's just say there are a lot of slutty, crazy or frigid women out there if their reasons for divorce are to be believed.

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
no, the mother WAS a nut case. truly. she had dried to kill the youngest child, and was sentenced to the state hospital.

i didn't tell you that his parents called me up a few days after i broke up with him, had me come over for an "intervention" and begged me to wait and try with him. and i said to them that i was done waiting. everything he'd said made sure he was never getting into something permanent again.


Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 11:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
I'm with Zmom and NT on this one. My kid comes first and I'm not going to do anything that will risk breaking her heart by bringing men in and out of her life.

This is why I don't date. I'm not willing to put the man first above my child. Even TV shrinks like Dr. Phil will tell you the marriage relationship has to come before the kids and I have never bought into that. That's probably why I've never married! I just can't see putting a grown man as a priority over a child.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 12:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Brenda, for the most part, I don't agree with that either, at least not when the child was there first. In many cases, you are all that child has. I'm sure it's a very delicate balancing act that I have no desire to attempt.

I go to church with a man whose wife became pregnant with a third child while is was in Iraq. When he came home, he said he didn't know conception could occur that far apart and promptely divorced her and has custody of his two sons. His oldest son has cerebral palsy and is in a wheelchair. As a police officer he doesn't have normal working hours but he has an incredible support team of friends. If he is working on Sundays friends will bring the boys to church and if he is able he will to make an appearance to check on them.

One would think that a person who has a child with such a severe handicap would have a hard time attracting women but if you watched this man for just five minutes with his son, you would fall in love with him and I suspect many a woman has. He recently met a woman and although I haven't met her, just upon observance she seems to be devoted to him and the boys.

On the other hand, I know another man who has custody of his daughter because the mother is a drug addict. I have known him for 7 years and I can honestly say that I have lost count of the number woman he has been involved with, including but limited to cohabitations (at least 4) and engagements (at least 2).

Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 12:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
I know NT, that if all single moms thought as I do there'd be no step families and some step families are wonderful and the kids end up with wonderful step-parents.

But just knowing myself and how I've never been married, never been to type to need a partner around, have always been happier when I was single and fairly miserable when I was dating, this is what's best for me. Some people really need that partnering and I'm glad for them when they can find it. For me, that kind of partnering is a drain on my energy and emotions.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 12:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
Brenda, do you want to be my new best friend?

I have an autistic son with ADHD. It's hard, very hard raising a child with this diagnosis.

My son is more important than a man in my life. That is why I want casual relationship.

Crzndeb
Member

07-26-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 12:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Crzndeb a private message Print Post    
Brenda, I'm on the same wave length as you. I had 2 daughters and never married . It worked for me too. Personally, I never met anyone that I honestly could say I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And I was 30 when I had my first daughter..you said it perfectly. That's exactly how I feel also. I haven't dated for 16 years and I don't really feel like trying it now...I am so happy with my life as it is....Nothing wrong with us..It is what it is and it works.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 1:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Zmom, my son is ADHD, bipolar, dyslexic and now starting to go through puberty, so I understand where you're coming from. Life can get complicated enough without adding another person into the picture. I look at it this way. If God sends me a man (because I'm not going out looking for one) who can except the whole package with no reservations, I just might go for it.

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 1:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
ladies, i totally agree that there is nothing wrong with the lifestyle choices you are making. it's what works for you that counts. i support you 100%.

Ddr
Member

08-19-2001

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 1:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Ddr a private message Print Post    
Count me in as another mother who chooses not to date until my son is out of high school. For me, it was a commitment I made to my son after his father and I split up.

Divorce on children is hard enough. And for us, it seems to have worked. My son graduates next year and then I have the rest of my life to enjoy other men.

I'm always amazed at the reaction I get from men when I tell them I'm not interested in dating. One man actually got mad that I would put my son first, lol.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 1:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
I'm a damn good stepmom and I have references to prove it! I've got one who includes me and his half-brother in his life more now than when I was married to his dad simply because he doesn't have to put up with his dad to include us in his life. And they were all willing to stand up for me in court if the custody issue had come to that.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 2:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    

quote:

Kids are resillient. They are sponges. They learn. Why teach them the fairy tale of love ever after? Or that love is all flowers and candy and amusement park rides? When we over-protect our kids, are we really doing them a service? Just some thoughts...




Very interesting point Newman. I somewhat agree and somewhat don't. When you're a child of divorce then you already know that love isn't all flowers and candy. It's also a good point in that some kids learn by example and they can learn from mom being in a good relationship as well as from a bad relationship. But do you really want to teach your child that? I would love for my kids to know how to have a successful relationship and I'm trying to do that by giving them as much information as I feel they need at a particular time.


quote:

Which comes back to the title of this thread: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits??? How do you sell yourself on living separately when you have this all American dream of marrying and raising 2.4 kids, with the picket fence and a dog named Racer??




Maybe this Dream thing is a BB thing cuz I've never had the American Dream so I don't have to sell myself on it at all. It doesn't exist for me.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 2:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Mocha, well said.

I was just sitting here thinking of the good solid forever marriages my son has seen and had close contact with to know what one looks like. It saddens me to know that the only one that I can think of right off the bat are my parents who have been married for almost 49 years. I'm sure there has to be at least a few more. I'm really hoping I can think of some.

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 2:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Gidget a private message Print Post    
Landi I didnt mean to imply the mother you were speaking about was not nuts. It just brought it to my mind and made me laugh.

I'm finding middle aged dating a wonderful adventure. When you are young and dating you are all the same thing for the most part... students. Now I spend time with men who have interesting lives.

Interestingly though the one I spend the most time with is strictly a friend.

Fortunately or unfortunately for me I have no children to consider which I think is a plus because there is no yours, mine and ours in my relationships. There are just yours and I can be as much or as little a part of their lives as works for you. I love kids but not all kids accept another woman in the picture. Many younger kids, especially pre-teens have strong fantasies about their parents reconciling.


Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 2:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
Zmom and NT -- I have so much respect for you -- raising kids is hard enough, but when there are challenges it really can be difficult! I hope you are finding support online with parents of similar kids. I think is sometimes just helps to know you aren't the only one.

Like Mocha, I am hoping that my DD will see other relationships and learn from them. She will see my parents relationship and will see her friends parents as she gets older. I don't think she needs to see me crying by the phone when some jerk doesn't call to learn that love isn't easy. Just the same that I don't think she needs to see me drunk to learn that drinking to excess is dangerous.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 3:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but these kids already know that love isn't easy.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 3:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
not all children of single parents are a product of divorce. My son never knew his father. His father only saw him 3 times, the last was when he was 9 months old.

One day, 2 years ago, my son said out of the blue

"I do not need a daddy..I have you"

broke my heart, because i DO believe every child needs a mother and a father.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 3:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Brenda, I have never joined an online support group or any other support group for that matter. I do have a wonderful support group in family and friends.

Jimmer, that is so true. Nothing is sadder than seeing your child cry because he thinks noone loves him because he is not like every other kid. It's even sadder that oftentimes it's the adults who seem to have the need to put labels on him and very often make him the scapegoat (not that he doesn't have more than his share of moments of being guilty). The other children could care less.

Maybe it's because I have never made it an option, but I have to also say that my son has never ever tried to use his disabilities as an excuse. Oftentimes, the rules for him are more strict than what might be the norm for other kids.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 5:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
I was thinking bout a comment that was made earlier, or comments, while driving home. About whether to put your mate before your kids. For me my mate is my king and I'd place no one above him and in turn being his queen he's place no one above me. Because we're in this thing together and when the kids are grown and with their own families or whatever then it's gonna be me and him.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 5:58 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
I agree with that to a certain extent Mocha, it's finding the King that's hard.

And it should not be rushed.

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 6:36 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
I think that your spouse should come first if you are still with your child's parent.... however, if you are not, I think that your child needs to be the number one priority. It's hard to raise kids these days and we all have limited hours to spend with them and they deserve attentive parents. I admire those of you who are doing it on your own and who care about making the decisions that will help your children grow into healthy adults. Yes, even parents need to make time for their own needs but parenting also requires that you make sacrifices. Putting off serious relationships for a few years sometimes is the best thing for your child....and you know, I think sometimes it is even best for the parent. My hope for all of you is that you not only raise healthy children, but that you experience and enjoy their childhoods and find great happiness for yourselves as well. The years go by so fast and it's so easy to miss them if you are not careful.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 6:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
From our posts here it is obvious that none of us has a perfect life but, we can enjoy and appreciate what we have. Newman, I was reading an article in a veterinary journal about greyhounds today and thought of you. It mentioned a story on tv by National Geographic. On the show they showed the dogs being walked out the door and the last scene showed they were never coming back.You can save a "Racer" and have a friend to come home to. Children can benefit from having pets too. A pet can be a best friend to a child who has no friends. An animal doesn't care what a child looks like or if he acts like a child "should" act. In abusive households a dog may be the difference between a child being injured or being protected. Unfortunately pets can become victims too. I truely feel that animals can be guardian angels.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 7:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
As I've mentioned before, I don't make sacrifices for my kids. Everything I do for them, I do because I love them and I want to do it.

I'm sure that is what you all mean as well. The reason I say that is that putting things off for years is okay but I hope that no one will ever make their kids feel that they sacrificed for them (now or when they are talking to them in the future when they are grown up).

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 7:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Landi, reading your posts made me think of my life. I grew attached to my Ex's kids. No doubt about it. Before I married her, we had a fight, and I moved out. Then I was staring at the walls of a friend's apartment, at age 39, thinking I don't want to live this way again (the single life). Made a call. Tears flowed. Things were patched up. And it didn't have a chance in hell of working out...

Dogdoc, I'm not quite ready, but thanks for thinking of me. One of the best parts of my marriage was the family dog. My Ex got the dog, so the kids would learn how to take care of something and so forth. All good intentions. And as usual, kids don't like the chores involved with a dog, like poop patrol and walking the dog.

Taking our dog on long walks was one of the best parts of my marriage.

I do hear what people are saying regarding dating while you have young kids at home. I don't have that circumstance. Who knows what I would do with that situation. Being a single parent sounds like such an enormous responsibility. Who would have time or energy for dating anyway?