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Archive through April 14, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through April 14, 2006 users admin

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Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 11:55 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Oh, my point was that I had a wonderful childhood but in adulthood I am understanding just how dysfunctional we really are as a family.

The question seems to be where's the happy medium between holding it all in and letting it all out?

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 12:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I learned to hold it all in and have PTSD and DID as a result. My brother and sister remember everything, and don't talk about it. I remember very little and want to know more.

My brother avoids confrontation to the point of lying to avoid it. I used to want the fight NOW as I said earlier. The Book "I Hate You, Don't Leave" comes to mind. Great fears of abandonment.

I taught ArReal to ALWAYS speak her mind. It's okay to get mad and say what you feel and think.
Some how she missed using respect when she is upset. She's always had a huge temper.

I think speaking up is better then holding it all in, but I think when you let it out you have to be very aware that things you want to say are often emotion based. Choose your words carefully and remember to say "I feel..."

Mame, it's good to hear your story and know I'm not alone in my wacky behavior. Sounds exactly like me in the past. Kudas to Vin for being patient and understanding and awesome for you for working through some of these things. BIG HUGS

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 12:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
(((((((KEARIE))))))

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 12:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
(((Native))) My problem IS the happy medium. I'm always figuring that whatever I decide, its the wrong decision. LOL.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 12:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Kearie, I always held it in. My sister has always been more outspoken but she uses sarcasm, which she has also taught my two nieces. She taught them to speak their mind but I think she forgot to include respect in those lessons. My nieces have it honed down to an art. I've just never been able to be that cold (except for the ex). And I will not tolerate anyone treating my parents that way.

I think my biggest problem is I never learned how to handle confrontation. I would do whatever was necessary to avoid. One day it finally dawned on me that I was sick and tired of being a punching bag. I am by no means expert at it yet, but the footprints on my back are starting to fade.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 1:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
I am delighted for you Texan for standing up for yourself and your principles. Good for you. HUGS!

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 1:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
My parents never held anything back. We had our share of arguments and disagreements but they were never serious.

Except I did have a big argument with my Dad when I was a teenager. I remember that by the time it ended my Dad was just shaking. I felt terrible about it when I realized what I had done to him (even today I feel terrible about it), but he told me that he loved me more than anything and that he was made of tough stuff and that I should never ever feel bad about anything between him and me.

I while later I went to see our family Doctor for my physical. He told me that he normally would never say this to anyone but that he wanted me to know how sick my Dad was – that he could literally drop dead any second.

The thing is that my Dad never let that stop him. He appeared fearless to me and he lived for another eleven years after that. I've never seen anyone who loved life more than my Dad.

All I'm trying to do is show another perspective, which I'm sure everyone realizes anyway. There are some wonderful guys out there who are good husbands and Dads. But I know that you all know that.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 1:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Jimmer, my dad had a heart attack when he was 37 - the week before I graduated from high school. a few months later I had a severe kidney infection and Daddy took me to his doctor. I continued seeing that doctor for several years but I remember him telling me one day that it was a miracle that my dad was alive. I remember how horrified I was at that statement. Jimmer, I can't imagine him saying what your doctor said.

I don't know where I would be if I had not had the support of my parents, during the good and the really bad. No matter how bad things got, they have always been my constant and the only two people I truly trust.

I freely admit I live in a world where my parents will never die. After all, my dad's heart attack was 29 years ago and since then he has developed diabetes, had a brain tumor removed, quadruple bypass surgery and is severaly overweight. More than one person has actually told me that I need to grow up and face reality but I honestly cannot imagine a world without them.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 1:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Jimmer you are very lucky indeed. I know their are some great men and father's out there. I think my first husband was a great man and I know he's a wonderful father.

I come from the belief that everyone feels deep emotional pain. I think we all, at some point in our lives, feel so hurt that we wonder if it's all worth it. We all have different thresholds of pain tolerance...both emotionally and physically. We all have different coping mechanisms. And I think we all grow and change.

I can't say the pain I suffered as a child is more hurtful than Newman's divorce...I can't say my pain was worse.

Being hurt as a young child hurts self-esteem and has lasting effects on your personality more so than does being hurt as an adult. As a child you take things personally. As an adult you don't have to. But emotional pain is emotional pain. It all hurts.

I grew up not having a clue I was abused. I thought I had the perfect family. I always admired my mom for being "big enough" to say she was sorry...after she beat the hell out of me.

Mom was perfect. LOL

My life was normal. I thought it was odd that none of my friends got spanked. Must have just been me. I was bad. Oh well.

I think people change too. My step dad is wonderful. He's been in my life for almost 20 years. If you asked his kids they would say he was a rotten dad. Just this last winter his daughter decided to see him...after 25 years of having no contact. He was an alcholic, an abusive husband and father because of his drinking. He quit cold turkey several years before he met my mom.

He has gone from a distant, cold, humorless man to one who is open, honest and very life loving. He hugs me now. He and ArReal have a very special bond. When ArReal was little she used to climb up in his lap and say..."I love grampa Ken because he's grumpy." Rofl At ArReal's high school graduation celebration, Ken was out in the yard having a water fight with us...at 75 years old.

I couldn't have asked for a better, more loving step father and grandpa for ArReal.

People change and Ken is wonderful. I'm lucky to have him in my life.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 3:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Yup Kearie. Sometimes people do change. In mom's case it's not out of choice. She has the beginnings of dementia, at 90, and is revelling in being the child now, being taken care of etc. We get along great, now that the roles have switched. Go figure. (shrug)

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 4:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    

quote:

Poor Newman. I've kidnapped your thread again. Sorry!



Mameblanche, this thread does not belong to any one poster, nor does any other thread on the board belong to any one poster.

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 4:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Great Posts above..Keary I agree on the self esteem of being hurt when your a child, WHY, does it stick with us? My dad was abusive and much older then my mom, she was just 16 when he married her. So in a way she was his kid too...as kids, we were scared to death of my dad..and my mom never said a word, cause he was the boss...so he could do whatever and nothing was ever said..and its very confuzing for a kid/teenager to get the crap beat outa them then have that same person cry and tell you they are so sorry, they dont know why they do it..(in some ways I get what you say kearie about thinking you were just a normal family/who knew?) .Now-years later-- My father passed away at 50 and my mom will say she is sorry because she never stoped things..but she refuses to talk about it..she says she dosent care to discuss unpleasant things..but all 4 or her kids are screwed up in some way or another..Ive alway just wanted to talk about it..but every one just tucks things away and pretends it never happened... I think that is why I have such trouble getting over it...Im not that close to my family - I feel uncomfortable with them cause it all just seems so fake like every body is pretending..I cant explain..This board helps me so much to purge my feelings sometimes..and to know that others are going thru the same stuff... It is a good question, How does are childhood effect our adulthood..??

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 7:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
I remember as a child realizing that my father loved alcohol more that he loved me. He was never abusive, and only drank on weekends but I hated seeing him staggering around. My mother never explained his drinking to my sister and me. I wish she had told us about alcoholism. He died of a heart attack my sophomore year in college so I don't know if he could have ever given up drinking. The only time he ever mentioned anything about his drinking was when he once said he wished he had never started. I can imagine how hard it is to be a parent even though I have never been one. As an adult I can look back and see that a lot of my feeling of being unloved was my own belief system at work. I don't know how my sister feels about our childhood because it is something I don't want to talk about.( except for here lol). I also am a person that doesn't want sympathy. I guess I really do not have strong emotions inside me. I don't know if that is good or bad.

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 8:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
You bring up a great thing Dogdoc..Being a parent is hard and probably one of the only jobs a person could ever have that will have a lasting effect on said child/children.. I never blame my mom or my dad..looking into his eyes I could see a burdon so big,a sorrow- It made me sad for my dad so I know he didnt have control-but if he did- he would have done any thing to control his temper- it was just somthing he couldnt get a hold of. I used to feel sorry for my dad,wished I could have saved him from his own demons.. but of course,in the same breath-I hated him as well...Life is crazy..we all have our pasts and those pasts will def come up some where in our future lives, eather in relationships or parenting or whatever.. we do all handle things different.. I also do not want sympathy,never have- but do have a strong desire to get it out of my head-it seems so hard to do that. Somthing that Mameblanche said really made me think about somthing..That acts of kindness made her cry more than acts of cruelty, I understood that..I think it is also easyer for me to deal with someone treating me bad then treating me good, allmost like I dont deserve to be treated good..and maybe because for so long I was told that I wasnt good... If that makes any sence....Oh Well...intresting stuff here.... Glad we have each other...

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 8:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Yes, (((Chewpito))), so glad we all have each other here.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 10:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Chew...I'm glad we have each other here too.

I want to address a few questions you brought up in your post.

1) "I agree on the self esteem of being hurt when your a child, WHY, does it stick with us?"

2)"How does our childhood effect our adulthood"

They are excellent questions and I think really need some understanding to learn to change our habits and behaviors.

Since it's late...I'll try tomorrow.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 6:08 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
So true, Kearie. Maybe it's because we never do grow up? Emotionally? As adults you see people acting so childishly sometimes. Jealousy that was there in middle school is still a factor as an adult!

The way we deal with rejection or other emotional issues, well, does that ever change from the way we dealt with it when we were 10?

You would think, that as an adult you could mentally talk to yourself, self-talk, and remind yourself that you can't please everybody, and do all sorts of self talking that makes sense, but in the end maybe only years of therapy can help?? Chuckling. Sorry...just wanted to throw in my two sense here. Have been gone for awhile and wanted to check in. Good to see you all are typing and thinking and interacting without me. I'm not jealous or envious either. I'm happy for us...


Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 7:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Talking about how one's childhood affects them later in life is a very interesting subject. One thing that makes it very complex is how two children (say brothers close in age) who grow up under the same circumstances and in the same family, can turn out so differently as adults.

Another thing that I notice now that I have children of my own, is how characteristics that are often described as "childish" are often continued into adulthood. When kids say something or react a certain way to a situation, it is tempting not to do anything, with the thought that "they'll grow out of it". But looking at a lot of adults around me (and I'm certainly not referring to anyone here at TVCH), it is obvious that some "childish" characteristics continue into adulthood. Think of office politics for example.

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 8:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
And speaking of childhood characteristics, how about people who are mature and independent adults who, as soon as you throw them back into a family situation, revert back to their childhood "role" in the family.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 12:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
ITA Merrysea... But once you are prescribed a role in the family, that is how you are forever treated and defined. I suppose some people can break out of it, but the family members usually have to comply, I would think.

Baby
Member

01-08-2006

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 12:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Baby a private message Print Post    
Mame, you are so right on the family role thing! I had my role for most of my life. And one day, I knew if I tried to keep up with that role and continue to try to be what my family thought I should be, I would totally lose myself.

So, I stopped and my family stopped being my "family"! I have others in my life who I consider to be my family now, but my biological family..no where to be found!

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 12:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
my father up until the day he died could never see me beyond age 12. no matter how hard i tried he still treated me as a child. he was very proud of me and told me so and told everybody else. but, we could never hold an adult conversation. it was as if he couldn't figure out how to talk to me unless it was as the father talking to the young child. it was rather difficult.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 12:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Dearie, I was daddy's girl, no doubt about it. I was my dad's pal and little darlin' when I was a kid. But as I got older, it was a bit more strained, but I figure that's because he saw me on holidays and summers only so I guess I grew up too fast for him, and he didn't know what to make of me. LOL. But he always, always, loved me and spoiled me rotten as often as he could. (BIG SMILE)

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 12:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I had no problem having adult conversations with my Mom and Dad. However, every once in a while, my Mom would slip up and tell me that I would always be her little boy to her.

Now that I have kids of my own, I finally understand what she meant!

Baby
Member

01-08-2006

Friday, April 14, 2006 - 12:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Baby a private message Print Post    
My father is my biological father. I know that. But, if you were to ask me who he is as a person, for the life of me, I could not tell you! He is in his mid-eighties and I still don't know who the man is! I truly don't.

All I can remember growing up, when it comes to my dad, is him physically being there, being drunk, physically fighting with my mom and brother and the rest of the time..silence!

There were so many times I would be in the hospital close to death's door and he would visit. His visit would consist of walking through the door of my room, taking one look at me and walking back out.

He did do a couple of things with me when I was growing up. He helped me pick out my first car. He taught me archery. I remember those things. But, he did them because my mom insisted he did them. It wasn't because he wanted to..he was forced to!

He told me one time when I was in my forties that he loved me. He also would call me drunk on his butt and unload all of his problems and tell me I should have been a psychiatrist. According to him, I always made him feel better with my advice. I remember so many times after I left home, driving over to his house (my parents were divorced by then) to pick up my little sisters. I would stay in the car and wait for them since it was easier on me physically and to be honest, I didn't want to have to interact with him anymore than necessary. He would come out to the car, stick his head through the window and talk to me. Well, that was o.k. but the smell of the alcohol coming from him just made me want to smack the crap out of him and take off. I never did that but I truly wanted to.

It was never about me, always about him. And to this day, the emotional toll it has taken on me has been so great! I honestly don't think many people realize the impact they can have on our lives..especially our families!