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Archive through May 12, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through May 12, 2006 users admin

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Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 8:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
I'd like to pick up the crumbs Jimmer left on the table. Sacrifice. Are you women going to tell your kids, later in life, that you sacrificed for them, didn't date until they were 22 years old, so they wouldn't be traumatized.

And now you are "an old maid". You sacrificed for your children and now you live alone because the kids have moved out and have families of their own.

The other piece to this is are you cheating your children out of a male presence in the house. Don't kids need a Mother and a Father to grow up well adjusted? You don't want them all to be figure skaters and hairdressers, do you, he said, chuckling and sneaking out of the room...


Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 8:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
Well, my son has never had a male presence in the home.

he wants to be either an astronaut or a scientist.

perhaps he wants that because his mother is an intelligent woman.

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 8:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
yes newman, but i didn't go back. i went forward, to another life. and have been married for 18 years and have a wonderful 16 year old of my own who i have the most amazing relationship with. ask anyone who has met her! (that would be quite a few people from this board!)

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 8:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
Newman, there is nothing wrong with being a figure skater or hairdresser and they aren't all gay and people are not "made gay". (and not because they live with women, or men, or both).

Also, if people work at it, they can make sure there is a male presence in a child's life, without marrying just for that reason.

I did have a fleeting thought that if people choose not to date/remarry FOR their children, that definitely is a choice they are making and shouldn't be later listed as something given up for the kids.

(Not saying anyone who posted has any intention of doing that, either. I've met Kar, Ddr, Zmom, NT. Mocha (and landi, too, but she's married and he's Holly's dad), and I'd say all of their children are quite fortunate to have them as moms.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 8:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
Also Newman, If I end up an "Old Maid", but my son has married and is in a healthy relationship, then YES, I am glad of all the sacrafices I am making right now. I would rather be alone and happy then unhappy and destroy my son.

No I will not tell him what I did for him (that is unhealthy)..what I do for my son right now is because it's what is right, for me and my son and because I love my son more than anything in this world.

You never answered my questions to you.

Would you feel it's right for a woman who just met a man 2 weeks ago to bring him home and introduce him to her child? If yes, why?

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 8:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I'm fairly sure that most people will agree that it is easier if kids have two good parents. Having said that, there are no guarantees that the kids will not have any problems.

At the same time, I think that it is much better for a child to live in a single parent home with a loving parent than to live in a two parent home where one or both of the parents is a bad parent or where the parents are miserable with each other.

On the other topic, the reason that I mentioned sacrifice is that I have often heard parents tell their children and other people "How much they have sacrificed for their children". I don't see that as a good thing if they truly believe they are making a sacrifice (which implies doing something they would rather not do) and I would never tell a child that (even when they are older).

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 8:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Newman, I am not sacrificing anything for my son. I don't want a man in my life at this time and I don't need a man in my life at this time. After the 12 years of hell I just escaped, even if I didn't have a child, I don't know that I would want a man right now. The only thing I ever tell my son he owes me for is the 20 hours of labor I went through.

My son had a male presence in the house for 10 years and it was the worst influence he could have had. He was a victim and witness to physical and emotional abuse and I am still picking up the pieces.

My dad is the greatest male presence in his life right now. My son sees him everyday as my parents keep him while I'm at work. They pal around and have really good talks.

There are men in my church that my son looks up to, some probably more than his dad because they listen to what he has to say. My church has a shooting group that's made up mostly of men and last night I took my son to the gun club where they trap shoot. My son loves to hunt and I hate it. I figure taking him to shoot at clay targets is a good compromise. Anyway, these men were very patient with him in teaching him what he needed to do and didn't mind having to wait their turn while my son got into the routine. One man even waited until we got there before he started his round of targets so he could help my son. His dad would have been screaming at him and giving up after 5 minutes, if that long.

Right now, my son wants to go into the military like his brother. There are times when he wants to grow up and work on old cars. There are also times when he wants to be truck driver like his dad. And there may come a day when he might want to be a figure skater or a hairdresser. The expense involved in becoming a figure skater may be a little more than I can handle but if it truly is a passion he wants to pursue, I will do what I can to make it happen. As long as he is happy, I don't care.

ETA: Having been married three times, I believe I probably passed up the ability to qualify as an Old Maid a long time ago.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 9:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Wow. That is a real life concrete example of what I meant. It sounds like your son has a lot going right for him now NT (mostly thanks to you). It's also wonderful that he has positive male role models in his life as well. That is all great to hear.

Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 9:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
Such wonderful discussion here and several points I hope to comment on.

Mocha -- I'm guess that my problem with putting a man above my child is that I never met *that* man. I never found that true love where you feel so connected with someone you want to be with them forever.

No, not dating is NOT a sacrafice I am making for DD. I love my single life. I hated dating. Being a full time single mom is EVERYTHING I ever wanted. All the time I spend with DD is because I want to, not an obligation or a duty. I love reliving childhood through her eyes.

Like Zmom said -- all kids of single moms are not a product of divorce. My child is the product of a donor so she never had a dad and did not lose her dad. She has a grandpa that is very involved in her life and will be her role model.

"Don't kids need a Mother and a Father to grow up well adjusted?" As a matter of fact, no. The studies show that kids who grow up in stable and secure environments are the most well adjusted. That stable home can be single parent, two parent, two gay parent, or grandparent.

While I agree that Newman needs a pet, either a cat or a dog, my limited exposure to Grey Hounds indicates they are not a good choice for someone who works full time as they can be nervous, high strung, and need a lot of attention so I would look into that before getting one. A nice mutt would be perfect.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 9:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    

quote:

Newman, there is nothing wrong with being a figure skater or hairdresser and they aren't all gay and people are not "made gay".




If my son is gay, then I don't care. I love him more than the world and accept him for him. If he is gay then so be it.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 9:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Seamonkey, I should have labeled the hairdresser/figure skater crack as <attempted humor>.

ZMom, Yes, I think you should. I'm for honesty. Have him over for hamburgers or stir fried something. I'm not big into secrecy and sneaking around.

I forget how old your child is. I guess that's the tricky stuff. If he asks, "Are you going out with Donald again tonite," I suppose you have to decode that one into do you love your new boyfriend more than you love me?

But I think you can handle that, ZMom.

Thanks Jimmer, for stirring up all this writing. I hope you didn't consider it a sacrifice to do that

Brenda, my expert adviser, Dogdoc, has assured me that a Greyhound sleeps 23 hours a day and would be a perfect pet for my townhouse/work situation. Do you personally have experience with a nervous/ housewrecking,Irish setter type Greyhound?


Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
For what it's worth, my sweetie is in Maui this week and I miss him, I hate that I miss him.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
Newman, I don't understand your post.

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Well Newman, we owned a greyhound when I was a child and they make great jog buddies, and your a runner...so I see a perfect fit. I raised my daughter alone, but she had many men in her life thru me, none of which were family..all of my family is far away and we are not so close. My daughter dosent know her father and she is fine..she dosent miss what she never had. she is well adjusted and smart and dosent seem to be messed up at all. I remember one guy that I dated for a very long time (while I was cooking dinner) I came back into the room and he had a million barrettes and clips in his hair,eye shadow and lip stick...she got the best of him and he was a good sport....we had a great laugh over it. I dont regret letting her get close to any one that I was close to and to this day, if she needed help..she would have them to call. They brought strong shoulders to give piggy back rides, help teach her to ride a bike, show her how to bar b q a steak (i dont eat meat) lots of laughs and fun outings... Im thankful to all the men that shared manly things with her and thier children are life time friends to this day. Even though I had rocky relationships befor she was born, I made sure that she was surounded by loving fun people, and even though thease men didnt always remain constant figures in my life, I can honestly say- Im still friends with them and still love what they brought to my life.

Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 1:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    

quote:

ZMom, Yes, I think you should. I'm for honesty. Have him over for hamburgers or stir fried something. I'm not big into secrecy and sneaking around.

I forget how old your child is. I guess that's the tricky stuff. If he asks, "Are you going out with Donald again tonite," I suppose you have to decode that one into do you love your new boyfriend more than you love me?

But I think you can handle that, ZMom.




I have read over and over this and I still don't understand.

Are you saying, after only knowing this guy for 3 weeks to invite him into my home and into my childs life?

What if he is one of those guys who preys on single mom and is a pervert? What if he is into child porn? What if he wants my son for reasons that are not natural? Wouldn't I be remiss in responsiblity as a parent?

I am sorry Newman, I do not understand your thinking. I do not just meet someone and invite them into my sons life.

If a man cannot understand that my son is the most precious person in my life, and right now comes before him, then I have no need for him. Because to me, any man that does not understand that is incredibly selfish and I do not want a relationship with him.

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 2:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
Newman, sorry, but I don't find such stereotypes humorous, so attempted or not, I take exception to the characterization. I wouldn't consider making "going postal" jokes (and you may counter that you'd laugh along with everyone else, but that isn't the point; the point is that if I generalize in a way that is a slur toward a certain group, I may hurt someone within that group, or simply join in to a hurtful or ill-conceived stereotype.

I don't see where Zmom is "sneaking around". As I understood it, she isn't telling this guy she has no children. And she probably isn't hiding from her son that she's getting together with a friend.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 5:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Newman, I stand by my choice of greyhound. They love to sleep. Also, what I didn't say about the greyhounds in the National Geographic show was they were all killed at age 3 because they were no longer good on the track. These dogs are loving calm animals. I think greyhound rescue is wonderful. I am also in agreement with Newman about being surprised about not mentioning children when dating. I just assumed that children would be mentioned and introduced early on. If I was a kid and found out my parent was dating for a year and I was left out I would wonder why. I don't think an explanation that "it was for you own good" would cut it. I would probably feel you were embarased about me or didn't want me in the way. A friend of mine had a difficult situation. She and her husband had a three year old son and she was 3 months pregnant. He died suddenly in a work related accident. According to Social Security rules, if she remarried or moved in with a man, that money would be cut off. I didn't think she should put her life on hold for eighteen years so her kids could get money. (she didn't),

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 5:47 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Dogdoc, what rule is that? I work for SS and as far as I know the money to the kids would not be affected if she remarried or whatever. I'm thinking it's Survivors Benefits you're referring to?


quote:

I'd like to pick up the crumbs Jimmer left on the table. Sacrifice. Are you women going to tell your kids, later in life, that you sacrificed for them, didn't date until they were 22 years old, so they wouldn't be traumatized.

And now you are "an old maid". You sacrificed for your children and now you live alone because the kids have moved out and have families of their own.

The other piece to this is are you cheating your children out of a male presence in the house. Don't kids need a Mother and a Father to grow up well adjusted? You don't want them all to be figure skaters and hairdressers, do you, he said, chuckling and sneaking out of the room...






Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 5:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Mocha, thank you. I thought they said Social Security. This happened about 12 years ago. Maybe things have changed.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 5:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Bill Clinton was raised by a single mother.
Barack Obama was raised by a single mother.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 5:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
For all you mothers out there - married, single, or otherwise - I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend.


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 6:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Dogdoc, Survivors Benefits are a part of the SS program. And I'm thinking maybe it's SSI that will change if the mom's living situation changes and that's also a part of SS. But the Survivor's Benefit doesn't change. Sorry sometimes I tend to ramble as if everyone works for SS and knows what I'm saying lol.

Backatcha Nt!

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 6:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
No time...ZMom, are you saying you can't trust a man after knowing him for 3 weeks, and missing him while he's in Hawaii? You can't trust him to meet your kid? I don't get that. Don't you trust your instincts?

When is it safe to for him to meet your kid? 3 months? 3 years?

Seamonkey, sometimes I struggle with political correctness. I can laugh at stereotypes. I look for humor. I roll my eyes at postal humor.

What do you tell your child? Where areyou going Mom? Out? Out where? Then you LIE? To a movie by myself? I'm going on a date with Mr. Wonderful? No, that might hurt junior. Better to lie???


Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 6:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Thanks again Mocha.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 6:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    

quote:

What do you tell your child? Where areyou going Mom? Out? Out where? Then you LIE? To a movie by myself? I'm going on a date with Mr. Wonderful? No, that might hurt junior. Better to lie???




When I'm going out and my son asks me where am I going and who am I going with I tell him that my father is in Delaware. Then I say I'm going out with friends or a friend. But mostly when I do go out it's when the kids are staying with their dad or at a friends house so no need to tell them anything.

Again yw Dogdoc :-)