Author |
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 9:45 am
ooooooooooooh! i saw that mocha! i'm gonna do a screen shot for posterity! newman, i can't control a dang thing, and it frustrates the hell out of me. but i just keep a pluggin' away!
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 10:15 am
MOCHA---loved your post...you too Max. 10 years ago I was going through a very hard time. I had really bad panic attacks and anxiety. I recall grocery shopping with my husband and we stopped at an Espresso Shop for coffee. They didn't have my flavor...(praline mocha) and when the gal asked me to make another choice, I burst into uncontrollable tears. I couldn't talk, I couldn't think...I had a panic attack because I had to make a stupid choice. My marriage was bad and I suffered from panic attacks daily. (My girlie hormones were out of whack also) He asked me for a divorce on my 30th birthday, after throwing me a party. Anyway, he was at work on day and I was home having a hard time. I got down on my knees and cried and prayed. I yelled at God for allowing my hubby to divorce me. I cried and begged Him to relieve my panic and anxiety. Newman, I can honestly say my panic attacks were instantly removed from me. I still have anxiety, but in 10 years I have never experienced another panic attack. I can't explain this at all. But to me it was a life changing miracle that happened instantly and completely when I prayed earnestly. It doesn't always happen like that. Instantly...but it does. (I turn 40 next month. My only child moved out two years ago and lives down in Cali. I see her once a year. I'm single...I feel like I haven't done a damn thing in my life except raise a child. I have arthritis, degenerative disk disease and I'm on disability. Is life all down hill at 40?)
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Metoo
Member
02-22-2005
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 10:32 am
Even though I haven't posted to this thread yet, (well, duh, here I am now) I have been reading every post since Newman started us looking at where we have been, done, etc. and what could possibly be ahead for us. I, too, am a baby boomer, married, divorced and in the last seven years have made some mistakes that set me back, but now I am trying to correct. The first correction I am making to my life is to be on my own. Right now, my own place equates to my own life. I know there will be days when I will feel alone, but hopefully there will be more days that I will feel my independence.
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 11:43 am
There are definite benefits to being on your own and benefits to being with someone else... you just have to make up your mind to enjoy whichever state you are in. You can feel alone whether you are by yourself or in a crowd of people... and I think that being alone in a crowd (or with your significant other) is far, far worse! One thing I have found as a perpetual single is that there is always someone in a similar state. Sometimes you get tired of having to seek them out, but it is generally very worthwhile. When I was in my early 20s, I remember a friend who would always say "When I get married, I am going to ..." with a laundry list of adventures. I remember one day saying to her "I don't plan to wait!" Good thing since I am 45 and still single!!!! What a sad life it would have been if I had.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 8:33 pm
A lotta good and thoughtful, sensitive posters we have here. Props to us. Mocha, thanks for the cyber hug. I do miss the real thing, but it feels good to have some electronic keystrokes wrap around me I agree with the type of prayer that Max was describing. Without going back up there I think she was talking about centering, being quiet, listening to that still small voice within each of us. Sounds like a form of meditation to me and useful and worthwhile. I should do that, pray that way, meditate. When I was younger I tried zen meditation, but I didn't feel it was doing anything for me. And when you're young it's hard to sit still. Now, I appreciate the quiet. Back then I had to turn the radio or TV on as soon as I got home or else it would be boring. Now, it's good to have some quiet time to sort things out, process things. But prayer for me, like to help heal my friend's gout, send positive thoughts his way, well, again what would be the point? God knows he has the gout. Why would an all knowing, all loving God want someone to suffer and limp? Kearie, I'm glad your panic attacks instantly went away. That's great. But why does God answer some prayers and not others? (And that story about your ex, throwing a party for your birthday and then asking for a divorce that night, was was beyond words). I'm reading all your posts. Maybe not responding to each and everyone. I don't want this thread to just be about Newman or fixing Newman or suggesting things to Newman. Hopefully we can help each other or just make observations. Ya know, Yesitsme, I don't know very many good marriages. Hardly any at all. Maybe we're all better off living alone. It just doesn't seem right, that's all. Maybe it's that American dream I'm focused on, the Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it To Beaver world of black and white TV from the l950s where everyone was happy, no voices were raised, and the biggest crisis was that the Beave lost his lunch money. Why does everyone try to fix you up with someone, try to get you attached, married, when there are so many bad marriages? Misery likes company???
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 8:58 pm
I think women and men are born with natural traits that that make us need and want each other. Our strengths and weaknesses as genders makes couples feel more complete...when things work. I also think we are social creatures and basically need each other to be emotionally healthy, balanced and to survive. I also think we all suffer from "cosmic loneliness". We all know that we're all alone inside ourselves. No other human can really know or understand us. Sometimes it's unnerving to find we're all alone that way.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 9:14 pm
Newman I have one of those for what it's worth things an ex-manager once said. HE said it a lot actually. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting. He said it to people who went to him saying they wanted something different to happen. He wanted people to take responsibility for change they wanted because most went to him with the mind set others should make things different. Heck, sometimes one might not know what they want. Then it's time ot either try and feel out what that might be, or change some things and see how one likes it. Or maybe a bit of both. LOL
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 9:30 pm
newman, that's what my prayers are like. i call it my conversation with god time. it's usually in the bathroom (only place i can get peace and quiet). and just someone i can get all my troubles and what i'm thinking about in my head. at first my husband heard me talking in there, and he asked "are you okay?" thinking i was talking to myself. and i just said "having a conversation with god right now. i'll be out soon" now he's used to it.
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 9:32 pm
I would hope that I would never stop learning. If you do, you may as well just hang it up. So go out and learn something new. Learn a new language. Learn how to basket weave. Learn all about the 15 bazillion different species of orchids. Learn animal husbandry. Learn how to cook a seven course French dinner. Learn how to create crossword puzzles. Learn 10 new tongue twisters. Just learn something. FWIW, studies have indicated that those who exercise their brains daily -- like try to learn something new every day -- have less chance of getting Alzheimers.
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 - 10:09 pm
Hi, Newman. Just returning and read through all the posts, including your last one--which disturbed me more than your first. (As in worried about you.) I think you are wrestling with the basic question, which John Lennon put to song. You know what I mean. What is Life? You are in that bump in the road place that thinking people stumble over at several different points in their lives. Think back: * To the year you began questioning your parents and doubting everything they said. * To your twenties, when you were expected to take wing and fly in some decisive direction. * To your thirties and forties, when you may have measured yourself against the American Dream. * To the year you turned 50. When you might have done the "What in the hell have I done with my life?" questioning. * To today, as you are approaching 60--and seriously peering at your own mortality, perhaps for the first time. I think you've absorbed too much of the political world around you. I'd say you've become waterlogged with the news, with the politics. You're at your saturation point. To live with that accumulated knowledge you have to have developed a superman-sized sense of humor. That's why I like David Letterman. He sees the lunacy and then asks himself, "What would Zorro do?" It's learning how to laugh in the face of the lunacy around you that keeps you afloat. That, and knowing you are a mere gnat. That and knowing that as a mere gnat, you can make life a little easier for one gnat, if you try. And when you do that, you will feel pleasure. And then, if all gnats in your town turned to help all other gnats, then the pain in your town and the hunger in your town might lessen. Right now, you see all the reasons why life is such a shitty thing. (Easy to do when you pay attention to the news. There are so many horrid things it is paralyzing at times.) Turn off all those horrid talk shows for a week. Turn off the evening news for a week. (Betcha can't do it.) Instead, devote that time to helping somebody do something . . . something they need. Something small is fine. Just one thing. Then, when you ask why people are dying, why people are going hungry, why people hate and kill one another--you won't have answers. But you will know you have erased one bit of hurt on the map. And then, when you ask what difference it could possibly make for YOU to be alive in this crazy, cruel and meaningless world, you can find another thing to do to erase some other hurt. Maybe it's just listening to a friend who needs to unload that night. Hope I am making sense to you. IMO, dismissing or accepting a God and defining what that means is something only you can do. I don't think anyone here should be trying to convince you one way or the other about that topic. If you are solid in your 'dis'belief, then what you are really wrestling is the basic question about what life is all about. On the other hand, if a belief in God is something you yearn for, then it is up to you to search out (read, take classes, attend group get-togethers) the philosophies, beliefs, history, etc so you can form a personal philosophy about who or what God is. And all tied up in that whole question is your implied attitude that you think of God as a superpower figure--one who could prevent bad things from happening and/or fix things that need fixing. And if I am right, then that's one of the things you might want to spend some time examining.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 1:01 am
When people say, "Why me?" my first instinct is to reply, "Why not?" I mean, really, bad things happen all the time to everyone. Why should I be any more special or protected than anyone else? WOuld I rather see my neighbor have the problem? Or my friend? Then they'd just be asking the same question. Rather than viewing it from the "why me" standpoint, I'd rather look at it from the viewpoint of, "What can I learn from this?" because I think there's always something to learn, even if it's how to grieve or how to take time out to heal or to deal with a sudden switchback in the road of life that I wasn't expecting and then grow in a new direction. I do not believe that God lets things happen or makes good things happen to good people. I believe that things are what they are and how we react to them, how we learn from them, how we grow from them is what's important. We do not always see the "plan" as it were. But if you took all the bad things out of your life, would you be who you are today? Would you be where you are today? WOUldn't life be a bit boring if it was always predictable and "good"? God (or however you choose to identify that 'higher power' in the universe) to me is our cheerleader, always in our corner hoping that we pick up on the lessons presented to us and learn from them. But He's not making our choices for us, He's just presenting them and then it's up to us. We are a stubborn lot and don't always pay attention. I also believe that we are here to learn some specific lessons and, if we don't get them this time, maybe we will next time. Or, if we get the ones presented in this lifetime, then next time we may have different lessons to learn. Yes, this is commonly referred to as reincarnation and it makes sense to me. I believe that once we learn all the things we're intended to learn in this plane of existence, we will move on to the next plane, whatever that may be. Newman, have you ever watched the movie What the #*%& Do We Know? You might find it very thought provoking. 
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 8:30 am
I don't believe in God. I'm a (nonpracticing) Buddhist. And in Buddhism, karma is a big thing, the cause and effect thing. As is reincarnation. If you want to know what kind of person or life you led in the past (the causes you created), look at your life now. If you want to know what kind of life you'll lead in the future, look at the causes you're making in this life. A real broad (and probably bad example) would be Hitler. He was responsible for so many deaths and so much misery. I don't know what type of person, or what types of problems he'd be leading in his next life. But odds are high that it wouldn't be pleasant or comfortable. Pay it forward kind of goes along with the Buddhist philosophy. You have to create good karma. You may have some bad causes that may need to be worked out in this lifetime (for example, if you were an adulterer in another life, your relationship karma in this life may need help with lots of good causes created). I think I said that wrong but... you can kind of work on your good causes to sort of "store" up karma for the future. The paying it forward thing is one way to help your future. Try looking back at things you've done or people you've hurt, rather than saying "why me." Look at what you've done and think what you can do to correct this. (This is not to be confused with a 12 step program.) For every action, there is a reaction. For every cause, there is an effect. What you put out in the universe will come back to you. Put good out there and good will come back.
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Mameblanche
Member
04-13-2005
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 10:11 am
I normally stay out of religious and/or political convos, as I get waaaaaaay too emotional and upset. But I wanted to thank LanceCrossFire for his ex-boss' quote: 'If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting.' I've put that into my bio, crediting Lance, as I don't know his ex-boss. I am kinda STUCK (professionally) right now, myself. I know I am at a crossroads and feel good things will be a-comin, cuz I am ready to pick myself up and dust myself off. Any day now. Really. Originally I didn't think this thread was for me. I need a thread that says 2 cats, 1 hubby, and one mom and no kids. (Most days it seems like EVERYONE here has kids or even grandkids and I am soooo outta dat loop.) LOL. But for those that are middle-aged and never married... let me put this out there into the universe: I met Vince online, on a BBS/Bulletin Board System (predates internet chatrooms) 13 years ago. We dated for a few years, had an emotionally traumatic breakup, went to counselling, got married despite all odds, and have been married since '99. Now... here's the best part... I was 44 when we got married. So I like to think I give hope to single middle-aged people everywhere. Never give up hope. And the weird thing is, I never had any hope. Life just unfolded the way it did. When I was single, two galpals met their future husbands...and got married. I felt so lonely, jealous, and left out of the loop. Ultimately, they both got divorced fairly quickly. Then, eventually, things REALLY went horrible for both of them. One ended up losing a battle with breast cancer, the other is living with the aftermath of a stroke. You never know what life has in store. Never. No point guessing, being jealous, or anything. It just unfolds before us and we can either hop on for the ride, or not. I got married long after they each got divorced. I have now been married longer than either of them were. I don't like the way this is sounding. Its difficult to express typing... I wish for them that things had not turned out the way it had. But my point is that I am merely AMAZED at how things turned out for all of us. I would have been the last one to say my life would be what it is now. Which is a pretty good one. But I still have my struggles, as we all do. Who knows. Vinnie could meet some nice Italian girl who loves to cook, watch sports and plays chess. Oy! Then I'd really be in trouble. (I'm already his 2nd wife. LOL.) Seriously, I know he loves me, as I do him... but I take NOTHING for granted! I consider myself spiritual, not religious. The Serenity Prayer is my strength in times of great travail. Its my mantra when needed, and has gotten me through some tuff times. I consider myself Agnostic/Humanistic. But Hitler (and some others) had/have a different opinion. My favourite people on earth are the RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIANS... (mind you, that's not the SELF-righteous Christians... they are a whole other breed, usually found shilling money on tv on Sundays!) O cripes, now I've done it... I've opened myself up about this topic and am not keen about that. Like I said, I get waaaaaaaaay too emotional about this subject. Although politics... hey, I agree with Newman's politics 100 percent, Bush and his cronies ARE horrible. But then I'm Canadian and its none of my beezwax, I suppose. Ducking and running now...
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Dahli
Member
11-27-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 11:07 am
This thread is great, and I would agree with Max - 'why not me' is the question... Lately reading The Tao has really helped me 'let go and just be' which in my life I see as being really helpful... the daily quotes are something I would recommend to anyone 'searching' "Just as activity beats the cold, and inactivity (stillness) beats the heat, Purity and stillness can heal the world " http://www.thetao.info/index.htm
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 11:37 am
I love that people are so forthcoming with what they believe here...I find the different points of view very interesting. I think that so often people are so bent on everyone adopting their own personal beliefs that it leads to all kinds of arguments that do nothing but create hard feelings. I love discussions exploring issues and appreciate it when a group of people can do it candidly but with respect! Mameblanche, as someone who is 45 and has never been married, I get so tired of people thinking that my life is sad without marriage or that I am still single because something is wrong with me (An uncle once actually asked me "What is wrong with you that you are still single?") I would love to be married and would love to have had children...it just hasn't happened. I hope I do get married....I've always felt that I would be better at marriage than dating. I think the pregnancy thing is probably out, but I would love to adopt an older kid and know that is still a possibility for quite a while. But whatever happens, happens. I've found if I take every day as it comes and appreciate it for what it is, life is good. And in fact, better than if I had been designing it ahead of time.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 12:13 pm
Something I try to always remind myself. No matter how bad things get...it will get better. I will be okay and I will get through it. I've suffered chronic depression most of my life. It became really bad when my girlie hormones stopped working. I was told that shock therapy was the last hope for me. I didn't opt for that and I got through it. It took a while, but I got through it. Since then I try to keep the attitude that it will always, eventually be okay again. (Me finding peace within myself and the situation will get better)
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 1:16 pm
Oh, I just got reminded of this quote: "Be the change you want to see in the world." -- Ghandi I really like that. If you want to have love, give love. If you want peace, act peacefully. Maybe you won't change the whole world, but if you change just one small part of it, that can create a ripple that might just spread and grow. 
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Dahli
Member
11-27-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 1:38 pm
That's one of my favorites too... and in the same vein Heaven and Earth last and last. Why do they last so long? Because they are not self-serving!
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Mameblanche
Member
04-13-2005
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 2:20 pm
Yesitsme, I sure hope you didn't take my comments to mean that I feel sorry for people who aren't married, or that I feel that they are incomplete or that something is wrong with them! It was simply about my coping with societal pressures/expectations and my feelings about my own situation over a certain period of time. Believe me, I have known several people who were unfulfilled as part of a marriage/couple, who restrained theirs souls and sublimated their own desires and lives for others who control them trading that in, thinking its love, and now THAT was sad to me. I was very fulfilled as a single woman with an incredible career I scratched out for myself, and satisfying friendships.
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Merrysea
Member
08-13-2004
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 3:24 pm
I was married for almost 23 years, and have been single for eight, and I have certainly found more peace in my single status! My marriage wasn't what you would call bad, at least not until near the end, but it wasn't fulfilling or life-enhancing, either. It just was. Now, while life can be more challenging, especially financially, it is also just better. But like you, Newman, I need to find a way to get outside my comfort zone and have some new experiences. It doesn't help that I work at home. I love it, but I don't talk to many people these days, except my sons. I'm just not too motivated right now to change things.
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 4:01 pm
Mameb, of course I didn't think that of you! Just the opposite, in fact. At least for me certain parts of being single never get easier. I hate going to events (such as weddings) by myself. Most times I can go with someone, but sometimes it is not possible (like when I am not invited to bring a guest!) and it is always difficult to walk into that room. I don't think anything makes me more uncomfortable. Some things don't bother me...I have no problem going to movies or to listen to speakers by myself, for example. I think some of the problem these days is that people just aren't social and don't know how to look out for people who may be uncomfortable in certain social situations. I try to look out for people, but am better at it if I am comfortable myself.
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 4:06 pm
merry, that is until i came into your life, right?
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 4:18 pm
You can adopt children without being married. Sometimes one will lead to the other, you never know. How does anyone know what fullfilment their lives need until they've had it?
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 5:43 pm
FWIW, I'm never married and no kids. And middle aged. And damn happy. Since I was about 15 years old I knew I didn't want kids. I've also pretty much always known that marriage was gonna be an iffy proposition for me. I'm quite happy with my life, dating when I want, holing up when I don't (and visiting boink buddy when necessary! <snicker>). So the stereotype about everyone needing to be married with kids (and a white picket fence)? Balderdash! It's not for everyone. And those of who know it's not for us, and embrace it, are quite happy to remind folks of it.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 9:51 pm
The twenty fifth anniversary of John Lennon's murder, today. My favorite Beatle. He wrote "Instant Karma". Didn't he also write, "and in the end the love you make will equal to the love you take." Not sure that's true, or that I believe it, but it's a sweet thought. I find it interesting that I'm walking around my townhouse, with no tv or stereo on, trying to think of what to say to perfect strangers. As an activity I kind of like it, as opposed to watching bad tv. Spinning off what Lance said, the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing but expecting different results. I am not looking to get married again. However, I did hear a song by Firefall, on the radio this afternoon, while I was waiting for Al Franken to come back from break, an oldie "Livin ain't livin, alone." I think me being a twin has always planted in my head that I would find my female soulmate, my female twin so to speak. Well, it never happened. I had a couple good years of marriage but most of it was a struggle and a lot of it was an unpleasant, all out battle. Marriage isn't for everybody, although our society makes you feel that something is wrong with you if you aren't married. I feel much better, more centered, more like ME, just being here, alone. I wouldn't say I'm happy but I'm certainly not stressed out, upset, angry, frustrated, or just plain NUMB, which are some of the emotions I felt much of the time that I was married. People that help others are special. I give them my respect. It probably is something I should add to my life to balance it out, to be more giving, more generous, more helpful. But right now I feel like being introspective, crawling into a shell, being passive, just listening. I call it "regrouping". Reassessing. A good course of action for me at this point, I think. Herckle, don't worry about me. I'm ok. Actually I don't think about God, hardly at all. Maybe I only do when the Christian religious far right tries to shove their Fundamentalist views down my throat. I can see that many people, even on this thread, see God differently. That's fine. I'm very tolerant of that. I probably see God as Nature. I don't see an all knowing, all powerful God who answers some prayers but not others, or who has a "plan". I don't see every hair as numbered. We have free will as Joan of Arcadia used to point out. It would be a challenge for me to drop cable tv news and talk radio from my life and replace it with being a Big Brother or coaching a little league team. Why should I give up stuff I enjoy for stuff I'm not sure I'd like or be good at?
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