Author |
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 5:50 am
Zachsmom, I totally relate to your new boyfriend in the scenario you just described. Here is MY male perspective: I find this great woman by sheer luck. She's crying. I comfort her. We talk. We are hitting it off like maybe only once before in my life! It is so great. She makes me feel alive again. We play golf. More fun. Laughs. It's all good. Then when I try to get close to her, she pushes me away! What is that all about? Why is she setting up barriers? Doesn't she want love and intimacy? I thought it was clicking so well?? I'm confused... That's what I would be thinking. Here's the other factor. Baby Boomers. Time is running out. If I found someone where we clicked on all cylinders, had great chemistry, effortless fun, the conversation never halted, blah, blah, blah, I would want more and more and more of it. When you put up the stop sign (don't get close to me or my son)...well, it's a red flag. Not wanting to diagnose you here from my office in Colorado, but if I were the guy I would be frustrated. Remember, he helped you when you were crying. He sounds like a nurturer (something I'm not). He sounds too good to be true! I don't understand why you don't want to let him into your life. What exactly are you afraid of? There's a song singing in my head: if you see a chance, take it, find romance... WE often say love is what we are looking for. It's so hard to find... If I found something like you describe, my crummy townhouse would already be up for sale! I'd be thinking about moving in with her. How old is Zach anyway? I'm a baby boomer with adult kids who have already moved out; so I assume Zach is older...
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:00 am
We've had the big "O" discussion before. How, if men could hit the "target" they'd be having sex more often! That was a great conversation. Makes me smile just thinking about it LOL. What do you mean, you have to ask the woman? Silent sex? No doubt about me! I'm a little loud in that department. You wouldn't have to ask Zmom, I think that guy really likes you and is thinking about future possibilities and if it gets serious, there's a little boy to consider. He's moving fast, or at least faster than you are. Maybe you should just tell him to slow down a bit and enjoy the moment. Hopefully, you two can have the relationship you want.
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Hermione69
Member
07-24-2002
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:04 am
Hi. I came in because I saw "big O" in new messages. Carry on.
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:25 am
I'm like Jeep, no doubt when "it" happens. And I'm lucky that it can happen multiple times. My question is why is it so important that he "count" the number of big O's?? The more the better?! 
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:27 am
Multiples......yummmmmmm
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Hermione69
Member
07-24-2002
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:27 am
I'm so easily titillated.
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:38 am
Your so bad Hermi ... do you want to talk about multiples??? How's it working for you?? 
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:43 am
'mom, congrats on finding such a great guy, at least he seems that way. And it's a good thing he's being honest with you with regards to Zach and I agree with the others. He may be thinking down the road. And also his thoughts may be that sons are so much more overprotective with their moms when they're dating. But since Zach is younger not sure if that would be a problem but I'm thinking it could be. I'm like you right now that I don't let my boys meet anyone I'm dating right now. Not until there's some sort of commitment first. As far as men and orgasms I've had a few ask and I was like can't you tell? And apparently they can't unless you're screaming lol. Sometimes I'm not a screamer and sometimes I am. Also as far as counting, I think the guy just wants you to experience as much pleasure as possible.
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Hermione69
Member
07-24-2002
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 6:57 am
Interesting article on sex and monogamy from MSNBC- CLICK HERE I come in here and goof around, but this is weird territory for me. My ex-husband had very little interest in anything but his own pleasure, even early on, which should have clued me in. Since I divorced, I have been very gunshy and have had few relationships and none of them lasted long. So I don't really have anything to add. Zmom, good luck with that guy. I don't want to rush into anything either. Going slow is good. I can be way too wide open and impulsive and it causes me a lot of regrets.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 7:07 am
Zmom, it's just too hard to tell from so little information. You need to trust what your gut is telling you about this guy. It does concern me that he doesn't seem to have heard you - that you don't want a relationship that includes being part of your son's life. I think the most important part of a relationship is being understood. That's the bottom line, do you feel understood?
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 8:33 am
Newman, thank you, it's always good to have the male point of view. We are very open and honest with each other. It is a "good" relationship so far. I do not want to get married or have that type of relationship where you see each other every day. When I say "private" life, I mean that he will not meet my son. He's mine. I will not let my son get attached to a man and I will not let a man get attached to my son (until heavy commitment). It's one thing for adults having their hearts broken when things don't work out, but I will not let my son get his heart broken. (yes I know someday that will happen, but not because Mommy and her boyfriend didn't make it) This guy is wonderful, really wonderful. He's smart, successful and handsome. It's just this comment that he made that disturbed me. I think I got the point across, but he seemed down about it. He's always been a bachelor, done what he wanted to do and have had women hanging on him (maybe that what attracts him to me, I don't give a shit if he's there or not) I don't know, I just want to take it slow and not think very far in the future. I just want what is here and now. That's all I can do.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 8:43 am
hermione, i am so glad i reread your last post. i thought you said that you have been very gushy! oh, my!
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Hermione69
Member
07-24-2002
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 8:52 am
Whoa, Nellie! ROFL, Cndeariso!
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 9:18 am
LOL I have to admit I read it as "gushy" too and couldn't quite figure out what you meant by that!
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 10:27 am
It's kind of tough Z. Some guys when they find out that the woman they are interested in has children, either have zero interest in them or worse, run in the opposite direction. Here is a nice guy (by your description), who sounds interested in you and your son and you have told him that he has zero chance of being any part of this major part of your life and he seems down about it. To me that seems to be a good reaction - one that shows you that he is a good person. At the same time, I appreciate your concern about your son growing deeply attached to someone who then leaves. I guess what would bother me if I were him is not that you want to take it slow (which is wise) but that you seem to be saying that there is no real long-term future for the two of you, as any real future would have to involve your family and you are not prepared to consider that.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 10:48 am
I don't have kids, but I do have a question. I fully understand and support a single parent's decision to not bring new partners into the child's life unless and until there is a committed relationship in place. However, how do you define when the relationship is at that point? Do you wait until a marriage proposal is made to introduce the child to the new partner? If so, what happens if the person ends up not being very good with your child or if the child doesn't like the new person? It would seem that there needs to be some point where the child would get introduced to the new person. Then you'd have a chance to see how the person really is around your child and give the child the opportunity to establish a relationship with this new person in your life. It seems a very difficult question to me and I don't know the answer. Like I said, I don't have kids, so never had to face this. I truly am curious as to how people balance this kind of situation.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 11:09 am
Max, for me it's when this man and I decide that we are in a monogamous relationship and we've been seeing each other exclusively for at least 6 or more months. Then I think that's the point where I will introduce them to my boys. And this is with the understanding that I'm not looking for a father for my boys as they already have one who's doing a great job of that. Now if the boys don't like him then I'll have to take that into consideration cause it could be that they wouldn't like me with anyone other than their dad so I'd take that with a grain of salt. But if they had some 'real' concerns then I'd take it into consideration. Now my parents were never married and my dad had alot of different girlfriends. Some I didn't like and some I did. Some I only got a teeny bit attached to but it wasn't earth shattering then he stopped seeing them. So I guess his dating really wasn't that big a deal with me cause I always knew that no matter what I came first. Now mom, on the other hand, didn't like that my dad brought other women around me. I don't know why and never asked her.
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 11:38 am
"If I found something like you describe, my crummy townhouse would already be up for sale! " Newman, I can tell you that if a man I'd just started dating started talking about selling his place he'd be history. Moving too fast is a huge turnoff for some of us and throws up huge red flags. Why is he in such a hurry? Is he going to be one of those controlling guys who needs to be with me every minute or know where I am every minute. I like having autonomy. Zach's mom -- I would ask the guy for clarification about what freaks him out about you having a son? Is he afraid of getting involved with that? Has he never dated women with children? There are just so many things that could be running through his mind. I, too, am a single mom and I wouldn't bring a guy home until there was a well established relationship. And then I'd introduce him as a friend and my kids would casually get to know him while we were out doing things (park, zoo, movies, dinner). There's be no dinners at our house, no overnight stays, no kissyface in front of the kid. This is real easy to accomplish since I don't date. LOL! Right now I don't want to introduce that kind of heart ache into my own life (let alone my daughters). Now if I met a guy by chance as you did, I'd proceed much as you are. I hope it works out for you!
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 11:53 am
I raised my daughter on my own and I never worried much about her meeting people I dated or lived with for that matter. She is apart of me and I couldnt emagine putting her aside to have a secret life...Its hard enough handling one life without trying to have two Identity's. It was better to see how this man interacted with her-If I got a bad vibe then Id want to know right away and not wait months to find out that someone I had invested lots of time with- had no desire or intrest in my child. With me you got my daughter...and if it didnt work, well things dont always work..welcome to the world... I wasnt going to get a baby sitter all the time to always be somewhere else..I allready worked over 50hrs a week. Most of the guys I ever was with had children also so I usually was very close to them as well. so bar-b-q's, going to the park, camping, flying kites were usually pretty fun times togeather...
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 11:57 am
Funny that kids are so different. By the time ArReal was 4, she would consistently embarrass me. To the check out guy, "Don't you think my mommy's pretty. She doesn't have a boyfriend." To the men at the apartment complex, "You should go out with my mommy." She is how I met my 2nd husband. I dated guys that she hated, and she let me know who she liked and who she didn't in a hurry. I dated a guy whom she really didn't like and it turned out I should have listened to her. She didn't form attachments to most men because she wasn't around during the dates. They were "mommy's friends". My 2nd husband was her friend before he was my friend. LOL He actually became her baby-sitter while I was at rehearsal for the play "Deadwood Dick".
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 12:01 pm
I forgot to add. . . Zmom, your story is what romance movies are made of! I hope it works out in a way that makes you happy. 
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 12:03 pm
Good points Chewpito.
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Zachsmom
Member
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 12:21 pm
Thanks Max! I will contact lifetime network.. The thing is, I do not want a committed relationship. I just want to have dinner, movie and possibly hot sex down the road. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just casual, nothing intense. You would think this would be a guys dream.. He's gone until the 18th. He went to Maui to buy some property. This isn't a "heavy" issue, but one that needs to be dealt with. Maybe he thinks I want more, or maybe he wants more (he should be so lucky )
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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 12:34 pm
Chew, you do make a good point, but my son gets attached very easily and he takes it very personally when someone leaves his life. I separated from my ex in December 2004. I have yet to go on a date and I vaguely remember what the "Big O" is. My son has told me it is okay if I want to have a boyfriend, but I have absolutely no desire to. I like my life the way it is. Yes, there are times when it would be nice to cuddle, but I am not willing at this time to give even a tiny portion of myself (mind, body or soul) to anyone. When and if the time comes that I do meet someone and considering the trust issues I have, I would probably not introduce him to my son until we've been in a committed relationship for, oh, 10 years. Just kidding, but it would be a while. And then when they did meet, it would just like Brenda described in the last paragraph of her post. Zmom, you hold fast. As I was reading this page, it sounded like you had met this guy a while back and I was wondering why you were being so firm. Then when I went back a page and saw that you've only known this guy for a couple of weeks, I applauded you. I'm not saying your guy is the same way, but my ex did the same thing to me. He swooped in like Prince Charming and knocked me off my feet. He courted me and did everything just right. Four months later we were married, I was pregnant and wondering what the hell I had done because once we were married his mask came off. And I mean it came off within an hour after the wedding. In hindsight, I realize that he had planned this entire whirlwind romance because he couldn't keep that mask on forever.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 12:35 pm
Well ask him after he takes you to Maui. 
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