Author |
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 9:03 am
So can we get back to Kar's new man?
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Mamapors
Member
07-29-2004
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 9:14 am
Being treated as special and being in a 50/50 relationship do not have to be mutually exclusive. Both are attainable. And being in a 50/50 relationship means both would feel special. I do think that sometimes the need/demand/pressure for "together" time is masking other problems in a relationship. If those "together" times don't come naturally, then the demand for them to happen become more and more desperate. The thought process is, if only we spent more time together, things would be better. You get wrapped up in the downward spiral that eventually ends with a hard hit of reality. I was one of those women. Feeling sorry for myself because I did everything alone. We didn't enjoy the same things. He wanted to watch football and baseball and play poker etc. Why didn't he want to go to the grocery store, or take long walks, or go to the movies with me? I kept pushing. Well, we eventually divorced, and I truly believe that us not spending time together had everything to do with the fact that we really did not enjoy each other, not that he was a bad person who didn't care about our relationship. I can see that now.
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Ladytex
Member
09-27-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 9:15 am
::snicker::
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Mamapors
Member
07-29-2004
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 9:18 am
And Kar's new man's brothers?
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Rosie
Member
11-12-2003
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 9:43 am
Has the date been set?
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Jimmer
Member
08-30-2000
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 9:51 am
I think Kar's man's brothers may have to go into hiding! I have a hypothesis for one thing that may create problems in some marriages. It is that there is a difference between loving someone and liking someone. You can love someone without really liking him or her and you can like someone without loving them. Or if you are really lucky you can have both. I think it is reasonable to assume that most people are in love with each other when they get married. But are they “in like” with each other? I put that in quotes because no one phrases it that way, but I think that many couples love each other but don’t necessarily like each other. Ultimately, as the love and passion fades slightly as time passes, the fact that they never really liked each other leaves a big vacuum, which ultimately leads to problems.
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Hukdonreality
Member
09-29-2003
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 9:52 am
The pets are all ready for your big day, Kar:
 
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Grannyg
Member
05-28-2002
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:07 am
ack!!! Kar you are keeping secrets from us? ack!!! i bet he is just a living doll. but he does have to pass our test before we can have a wedding. you know that, don't you?
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:15 am
Well, I spent 7 years in a marriage where HE was the one who wanted to do everything together. Drove me nuts. In his case, though, I don't think it was because he wanted "romance" or "closeness" but more that he wanted to know where I was every minute and control as much as possible. Or, maybe it was just that he wanted everything to be about him (which he usually did). I don't know. I do know that I'm not a "typical woman" in this regard. I've always been very independent and needed a lot of alone time. In high school, when I got my first car, I would go to Reno (80 miles from my home town) to go shopping alone, go to movies alone, or whatever. I CHOSE that. Some of my friends thought that was strange, but I thought it was normal. I think many of the problems in relationships are because people have expectations and don't have the ability to communicate effectively with each other. They talk, but they don't really communicate. That was true in my marriage. It didn't help that every time I tried to have a "serious conversation" about the relationship with him, he'd get defensive and accuse me of all sorts of things including "taking all the trust out of the marriage" (which was ironic since he was the one that was a chronic liar in every facet of his life). He didn't WANT to communicate. He seemed to want a marriage that looked good to the rest of the world and worked for HIM, without regard to what worked for ME. This was reflected by the fact that he was so shocked when I told him I was leaving. He said, "But I thought we were happy?" To which I replied, "What part of me telling you for the last year to either make an appointment with a counselor or a lawyer didn't you understand?" Anyway, not every woman wants to be tied at the hip to her man. 
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:36 am
Newman, I'm going to take your side in regards to not always doing things together. There is seldom enough time. What's wrong with the wife doing something at home while you walk the dog or get the groceries? Nothing as long as both of you know the ultimate goal is to be together at 9:00 and chill out together in front of the tv. Until you brought this up, I never thought about it in my own relationship with the ex. Because of me having to take care of my mom, my time was precious. Yes, he'd mow the grass while I went to the grocery store. Or I would be at mom's while he went to the grocery store. The goal was to be together for a while before going to bed. Or so I thought. Later it morphed into he went to the other woman's trailer while I went to mom's! His excuse was that we didn't do anything or go anywhere together anymore. Yeah, life happens. But as I pointed out, it was a temporary situation. Maybe I should have been making it more clear to him that I wanted us to do these things separately for the sole purpose of having time together in the evenings. Regardless, the recent posts in this thread has made me realize that a relationship cannot always be 50/50. When life gives you a bump, sometimes one person has to give more. And I can see the ex wasn't willing to do that for me. I see him now as a wimp. Funny thing about the ex now is that the woman he's with literally is leading him around with a ring in his nose. She won't let him have a free moment. I don't think she trusts him at all. And they spend all their spare time in these dumpy bars playing the video lottery machines (they're legal here). Ugh! I did get the opportunity once to ask him if when he said we didn't go anywhere or do anything, if he was referring to gambling in the bars and he just looked at me with a "duh" attitude. LOL I see this as "suffocating" but maybe he thinks it's love. I don't know him anymore and don't care to either. But I did get in a dig about my travels and future plans and how I have time and money (he has neither) to do anything I want now and he's really missing out. He said he thought about that. I bet he does! LOL (I've come to love those little digs) By the way, Newman, I come from a Catholic family and we were never allowed to yell or scream. Neither did my parents. We were taught to be polite, but they were never overly strict. My dad was almost 45 when I was born (I was first), mom was 34. My brother came 3 years later. So, they were pretty settled down when they had kids.
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Rosie
Member
11-12-2003
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:40 am
Hukd, great pics! Granny, who is the 'keeper of the test'?
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Jimmer
Member
08-30-2000
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:41 am
I'm not being mean when I ask this question, but for people who have had marital problems do you remember what you liked/loved about your ex in the first place? It's just that they sound so completely different than the person I would expect you to have been looking for.
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:47 am
Forgot to tell you the latest with the ex. I caught him signing my name to legal documents. He did it about 6 months ago and I just recently got a copy of it. I guess he didn't think I would find out. Anyway, he made a error on the forms and they had to be redone, so the original was faxed to me and there it was! I didn't hesitate to make it known I did not sign it. Isn't that forgery? LOL Anyway, because of this, I still have some limited contact with the ex. I told him flat out he cooperates with me to get this issue settled or I file charges. He was kissing booty then. However, he brought in his part of the forms last week for me to mail with mine and he flat out told me he didn't tell the truth on them. The other woman helped him fill it out. Is he dumb or what? Sometimes I almost feel sorry for him he's so stupid. Mostly I'm laughing. Just thought I'd let you know he didn't "trade up"! LOL
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:54 am
It's a good question, Jimmer. I liked that we shared the same sense of humor. I liked that he was tall and handsome. I liked that he liked me! I admired his ability to think quickly on his feet when interacting with other people. I swear the guy could sell ice to eskimos if he really wanted to. When someone would ask him a question that maybe he didn't know the full answer to, he could be very convincing and sometimes move the conversation around so they'd forget they asked the question. If it was me, I'd just be a deer in the headlights. Unfortunately, this ability to think quickly on his feet turned into a really bad habit of lying about all sorts of things. When he accused me of taking the trust out of the marriage, he was really just reflecting the fact that he was lying to me more and more frequently. I also liked his ability to dream and see possibilities. What I didn't pay enough attention to was that he did more dreaming about succeeding than actually working towards it. But there were also a lot of warning signs that I chose to ignore because I WANTED to be married. 
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Merrysea
Member
08-13-2004
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:59 am
Max, are you me? Were you married to my ex? Sure sounds like it! Jimmer, I understand exactly what you mean about the difference between love and like. I've told people for many years now that the highest compliment I can pay my kids is that I like them. Of course I love them, but how many people can honestly say that they like their teenage sons? And when I left my husband, one of my reasons was that I just didn't like him, and if I were to meet him today for the first time, we wouldn't even be friends.
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 11:03 am
Jimmer, my ex was tall and strong and very easy going when I met him. He came from a big church going family. His parents had been married for forever. I remember thinking that this was a man that would treat me nice and could protect me when I needed it. He also had a strong work ethic, which was important to me since I was the same. I didn't want to be with a dead-beat. I never caught him lying to me, which was also important. I guess he was saving that up for later. Being together was good, the sex was good and it was easy to enjoy life....we hadn't met any bumps yet. And that's when it went down hill, he could work for 48 hours straight at his job but he couldn't handle sickness, death and other bumps in the road and started to make all kinds of excuses for his behavior. To this day he has never taken responsibility for his actions. It's always because of someone else......he said that, you did this...bla bla bla...
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 11:06 am
Ditto, Merrysea. I thought the same thing about my ex just last week. While looking at him sitting on the other side of my desk, I thought "I certainly wouldn't pick you out of a group of men and I probably wouldn't even want to be your friend now". Funny how much people change over the years.
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Grannyg
Member
05-28-2002
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 11:46 am
Rosie, lol, it's a group test. Cowboy passed it and so did Flyboy!! lol We have to meet him and decide if he's good enough for the future bride. hahahaha Of course with Flyboy, he had competition. But he passed with flying colors and we all love him to death and he has this gorgeous smile. Same thing with Colossus. He is one hunk of a good looking man but he had to be special to be with Gal. See lots of guys have had to pass the "test". lol
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Rosie
Member
11-12-2003
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 11:50 am
Gotcha Granny. I was fortunate to meet Flyboy and Colossus and agree completely with those marriages. When do we get to meet Kar's intended? The Colorado thread might be a good idea!? Get that meet scheduled and check this one out?
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Grannyg
Member
05-28-2002
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 12:13 pm
Good thinking, Rosie. I'll have to see if that meet is still in the making. lol
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 1:14 pm
Karuuna, do you have any sisters? I hate to turn this into a ME thing but ...
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 1:42 pm
So many responses, so little time...
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Mameblanche
Member
08-24-2002
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 2:11 pm
LOL Ms. Aubergine!
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 3:22 pm
Oh heck, what have I started? Just to be clear, I have no intention of getting married again. Been there twice, no thank you. My new motto is "girls just wanna have fun". And I am. And horse whisperer is just fine with that, too. In fact, he's pretty easy going and pretty much fine with everything. As for what went wrong with my marriages, the first one I was way too young and married someone way too old. And way too unfaithful. The second time I thought I had it made, but it turned out compromise was something he believed in before we were married, but not afterwards. And the jealousy got old. However, I was still bound to try and make it work, he was not. Ultimately, I think marriage is negotiation (or any shared relationship). One of you wants more together time. One of you wants more alone time. You sit and talk about it. No need to make either one feel wrong, it's just who they are. You find the middle ground - the focus is accepting each other for who you are and realizing that nobody gets all of what they want, but if you love each other, you find a way to compromise so each of you gets most of what you want. That's love. Newman, sorry, no sisters. But maybe someone else does? 
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 4:14 pm
That's where I am Kar, don't want to get married again. Well that's my thinking until I'm presented with that 2 carat emerald cut diamond platinum setting...
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