Author |
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:37 pm
Hell I have children and still wonder why people have them.
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:40 pm
Never assume ... that's what communication is for! 
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:42 pm
LOL, Mocha. I have gotten the kid question all my life. When I was younger, it was "when are you going to have kids?" Now it's "why didn't you ever have kids?" I always knew I didn't want kids and after seeing what the other ladies in this office have had to go thru, I made the right decision for me. Every time there is some crisis, I just look at them and say "now tell me why I didn't have kids?" We all laugh.
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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:48 pm
People also assume if you've been married and divorced more than twice something is wrong with you. That isn't always the case either. Kearie, thank you. I know I'm not the perfect person, but I honestly believe that my choice of each of my 3 husbands was playing out my role as caregiver. In those choices, I got an alcoholic and a psycho. The first one wasn't such a bad guy - we were both just too young and impulsive. There is one person I know who likes to make remarks about my marital history at every opportunity. I'm sure others have their opinions and that's okay. At least no one could ever accuse me of not trying. And while I have no interest, intention or prospect for a #4, I won't say it will never happen.
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 1:59 pm
my bestest girlfriend that lives near me has been married and divorced 3 times and in and out of a lot of relationships. i thought it was terribly rude when folks came up to me at the funeral home when my dad died and said "that's not the same guy she was with when we saw here at . . ." it took all i had not to slap those folks into next week. hell, i dated so many different people when i was single those 12 years that even my mom said about me that i changed boyfriends more often than i changed underwear. LOL i didn't consider someone i dated to be a boyfriend unless the relationship lasted a while. i was doing what i wanted and having fun. anyway, what difference should it make to anyone else?
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 2:00 pm
LOL Mocha, they're are days I look at my kids tearing through the house leaving a path of destruction or being bratty to each other and I completely understand why some folks don't have them! Max, the questions like that get worse if you have a kid. They start about three minutes after you've given birth, "When are you going to have another one?" I got snotty with a friend of Darren's mom when they came to visit us in the hospital when Caleb was born and told her let me get cleaned up, give us a few minutes, and we'll get started on that right now! Think I can at least get out of the hospital before we start having to face that question? They get worse as time goes on too. There's four years between my sisters two girls and before she got pregnant with the youngest, the questions were much more rude. About six months before she got pregnant the second time she called me in tears, some casual acquantince had demanded, yes demanded, to know if they planned on their oldest being an only child and wasn't that unfair to her. What business is it of anybodys what someone does with their life and their decision to have or not have children and how many they have? LOL, in case you can't tell I think those are some of the rudest questions ever, "when are you?" "How many?" "Why haven't you?" Cuz unless it's their s/o they're asking, it's none of anyone elses damn business.
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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 2:04 pm
Chewpito, Are you saying I remind you of a guy? Oh, please no! I don't want to be a man! Just kidding, honestly Chewpito. I know what you mean!! I can definitely relate to the guy you are talking about. I have dated men both physically disabled and not. My husband was not. Mentally, yes but physically, no! The man that I was truly in love with was a quad. And let me tell you, he had absolutely no problems in the "intimacy" department or just about any other department. He was the best!
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 2:04 pm
It is sad that people can be very rude and heartless with their inappropriate questions. But since we recognize it in them, then we can make a conscious choice not to do it ourselves. Because unfortunately, we can't control them but we can control ourselves. 
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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 2:13 pm
Questions I've had: Why are we the only species that keeps their young with them for more than a couple of years (or better yet, 6 weeks like dog and cats)? When is it too late to consider adoption (ETA: going out, not coming in)? My favorite people are the ones who would see my son during one of his bad episodes and say "let me take him home with me and I'll have him straightened up in no time." I would always respond with "just give me a minute to pack him a bag." Funny how no one ever carried through with the offer.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 2:19 pm
Such a good thread I started. I'm proud of myself. At least I did ONE good thing in this life that may help others. Dogdoc, thanks for not being mad at me. I did think of you AFTER I posted. Meant no harm. Frankly I got married to the wrong person and shouldn't have. My Ex just got married for the THIRD time. And so it goes... People will talk. If you have no kids, they will talk. If only one, more talk, more judging. If you marry the wrong person or if you don't marry, people are always out there judging you. Gossiping perhaps. You just have to try to find the best path for YOU. I'm struggling with the concept of family right now. It is so important in our society, in EVERY society. My family is so distant, not close. It bothers me. Can't help but think what went wrong. How come I don't have a close, strong family. Even THAT is not for everybody. I treasured my independence and freedom. I ran away from my family and fled to Colorado in l972. They were smothering. Or it felt like I didn't matter with them? Hmmmm... Well, I'm all flounced out. Busy morning. Need a nap... When I started this thread I was feeling alone and not good about it. I guess I'm trying to feel good about life, what's left of it. This online community is good for a lot of reasons. It helps me focus my thoughts. It helps me see that others struggle with similar issues and that there are a variety of solutions out there. Max, I agree about humor being at the top.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 4:37 pm
Native...I'm so with you. After my second divorce my brother teased me about it. He was still married to his first. It really hurt when he did that. I've been divorced for the 3rd time now. Well, the second marriage was annaulled, but the first one should have been. Anyway, my brother is on his third marriage now. So he can't say a thing. LOL I left the first one because he cheated on me with two guys. The second one left me when I had serious medical problems. The third one was a mutual parting of ways. All three were friendly and very aimicable. I played roles in the last two...but gosh...nothing is "wrong" with me. I made a couple bad choices in partners. Seems that I was the caregiver also. All three ex's at one time during the divorce process said to me "Thank you for helping me become a better person." I'm serious. That baffles me and ticks me off. What does that mean? The one man I met who would have taken care of me, adored me and cherished me I let go of. I was married and couldn't divorce my husband for another man. My hubby knew about the affair and almost encouraged it. It was a crazy mess. But we grow and we learn. Native---I'm with you, not interested in finding or looking for a forth. I don't think I want a bf at this point. They're just too much trouble. LOL
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 5:32 pm
What is interesting is that we all have different stories to tell and what it comes down to is that we are human. We make choices, there are consequences both good and bad, we live and learn. I think it is best now to not dwell on reqrets. The past experiences are part of who we are now but they are over.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 5:35 pm
Amen DogDoc....we can't grow if we don't fail.
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 6:54 pm
I meant to type NOT dwell on regrets.
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 10:55 pm
......
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 7:08 am
Well, I wish my past was over. The ex just made an appearance and ranted and raved thru the whole office. Made an arss out of himself and was arrogant about it. Even the boss said he couldn't believe the look on his face, it scared him. He's upset about $$ he has to pay. I guess I need to make a few phone calls. Needless to say, as more and more of this goes on, I am determined to NEVER get involved with a man again. I know that's just feelings at the heat of the moment, but who wants to go thru this more than once? You guys/gals that have been married several times are very brave in my opinion. And Dogdoc you can bank on the fact that I won't dwell on this part of my life. That's for sure!
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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 7:14 am
Jeep, why do you have to make the calls?
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Vacanick
Member
07-12-2004
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 7:17 am
Jeep, have your boss write up an "incident" report, file it with the court and get yourself a restraining order. Your ex has no right to confront you at your place of employment. I had this done a few years ago. Easy peasy!
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 7:27 am
What V said.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 10:46 am
What V and M said.
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 11:03 am
So here I am, finally comfortable being alone. I like my peaceful, stress free life. I need it. Hopefully it's very obvious that ArReal and I have a very close relationship and love each other very much. But I don't know if I can live with her again. Her DH is, once again, set to go to Iraq in August and she plans on coming home and staying with me. For at least 6 months. She's bringing her 2 dogs and cat with her. How am I going to cope? Her visit in January, that lasted one week was very stressful and we decided more than three days was just too much. So now what? How do you cope with adult children moving back home???
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Buttercup
Member
09-10-2000
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 11:14 am
Just say no? I realize that that is much easier said than done, but perhaps you could remind her of what happened in January and what you both agreed upon then. At the very least have a calm discussion about it. If you agree that she move back home then perhaps you both can agree on a back-up plan if things get stressful again 
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 11:20 am
not sure how my parents coped when i moved back in for 2-1/2 months in 1990, but they didn't seem to have much problem with it as far as i could tell. this is what we did. i was given a house key and told that i was an adult, to act like an adult and remember it was their house. i also brought a cat that lived in the house. i moved in the day i left my first spouse and stayed until the divorce was final. then i found my own place. i needed the safety and security of my parents at that time and that is what they gave me. i had my own phone line installed and bought a lot of my own groceries and of course the cat's stuff. i tried to do my own laundry but mom would scoop it all up and put it in with hers & dads. i also helped around the house on the things mom would let me do. i was working 40 hrs. per week and in a town 30 miles away. so, most days i was up and out of their house before they got up. and, i had things to tend to after work that kept me away until 7 or 8 most nights. basically, i slept there and stored my stuff there. they never questioned me about my comings and goings though i wasn't going out doing anything anyway. they did not answer my phone or open my mail. mom did let my cat out after i asked her not to though and the cat promptly brought her a lizard (alive) as a present. she never let my cat out again. hehehe
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Cndeariso
Member
06-28-2004
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 11:34 am
just a question, kearie, about the january visit. didn't it include the <SIL>? (c)
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 11:39 am
I don't think it would be so much of a problem if she worked 40 hrs a week, but not sure if she will do that. I mean she's going back to San Diego when his tour is over. She'ld probably have to go thru a temp agency. It won't be like she is planning to settle here in town. I know she can also stay with my mom so that is definitely a back up plan. (Mom lives 2 miles away from me and has a much bigger place.) 2 pugs, a poodle, a chihuahua and a cat. That's almost a zoo. Giz is a handful. We'll work it out, I'm sure. I'll give her all the room and space I have. all the privacy she needs. But coping will be tough ... I'm glad I'll have you guys to vent to
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