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Archive through April 29, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through April 29, 2006 users admin

Author Message
Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Thursday, April 27, 2006 - 1:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
It's hard to think of a random stranger asking me a personal question other than "Do you know what time it is?"

A random stranger might ask me, on my route, if I like my job or if I find it boring or something like that. I decode that as they are thinking of taking the test and becoming a mailman because it looks so easy and has security.

They also might ask me how much I make. Again, for the same reason. I would answer. My Mother would not. Open vs. closed. Of course, it's none of their business but it also is no skin off my nose. I made $48,000 last year, with overtime. That used to be a comfortable middle class living. No longer...

It's definitely easier to be honest and open here. I'm not trolling for a date here. I will never meet anyone here, and yet this is a vibrant, caring online communtiy that I value greatly.

Sitting and writing is an introspective, introverted activity. It helps me focus...

I was out last night with my breakfast buddy and longtime friend. We had words. He wanted me to quit my new church movie club. He thinks it interferes with our original movie club. I snapped at him, interrupted his slow argument, and nothing was resolved except for hurt feelings on both sides. If only he were a writer here (or anywhere). I think we could hammer out a solution. (Maybe it's just wishful thinking).

One more thing. Agreeing with Jimmer and Kearie. There are varying degrees of open and closed. Trust is a factor. People at this site, who I would describe as "closed", are actually open. They will write to some degree anyway, about their lives. It's all so confusing. I need some fresh air...


Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Thursday, April 27, 2006 - 1:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
My post was not directed at anyone in particular. Note I used the word "we". In fact, I am a bit dismayed that anyone would even take it that way. It was a general reference to the conversation as a whole. I certainly meant no offense, was just offering my opinion, as we all do.

Tater
Member

03-19-2003

Thursday, April 27, 2006 - 3:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tater a private message Print Post    
I thank everyone here for their warm words. I think we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for at times. Each of us has our own quirks and burdens to bear, but, we can only hope that someone gathers strength, wisdom, and comfort from our words.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Thursday, April 27, 2006 - 5:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Lovely post Tater. Hugs!

Baby
Member

01-08-2006

Thursday, April 27, 2006 - 5:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Baby a private message Print Post    
I loved your post, Tater! It's a fairly short post but it says so much..lot's of good stuff!

Thank you!

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Thursday, April 27, 2006 - 5:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Wow...missed a few days and had to do a lot of reading to catch up. But it was fun. Oh... something happened when I was working this week that reminded me of a recent TVCH conversation. We were talking with a lady at the company where we were working and she mentioned her 13-year old son. One of the ladies I was working with said "Is he your only child?" The lady stopped and then said "Yes....," then looked confused and tears started coming down. It turns out her older son (age 31) was killed by a drunk driver 3 months ago. Broke my heart. It was a bit awkward for the moment, but you know, there was a bond between us all afterwards as a result of us knowing. Was especially poignant with me after our conversations here and some of you talking about it.

On another subject, I've said before that I consider myself an extroverted introvert. I share a lot of myself with people here and in real life, but I also don't share certain stuff...even with those closest to me. That's the way we all are, I think. Some subjects I don't talk about publically....not because I am embarrassed by what I think or am unclear about my own opinions, but mostly I don't want certain things to define me. I think lots of people do box you in these days because of your opinions and beliefs and I feel like I don't fit in the stereotypical boxes. Still there is the other side of me who may tell my intermost thoughts to a complete stranger given certain circumstances. Am I open or closed? I'd say I am both. Do I care? Not too much, though I would agree with Newman that a certain vulnerability in relationships is necessary. I'm good with friends (and my family members seem to know me whether I confide things in them or not!)....haven't always been as good when dating. Not sure that has been a bad thing given the guys I have dated... and it has saved me a lot of heartbreak, I am sure.

Conversely I have friends who are far too open with people. That also can lead to all kinds of problems. People have taken their confidences and used it against them. Their hearts have gotten broken time after time again. They are everybody's fool.

Personally I think we should know who we are, and pay attention to where our past choices have led us. Sometimes you need to open yourself up to others, sometimes you need to hold your cards close to your vest. Isn't balance usually the right answer?

Retired
Member

07-11-2001

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 8:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Retired a private message Print Post    
This is a very long article from the May-June issue of the AARP magazine about single women. It touches on many of the topics discussed in this thread. A good read.

http://www.aarpmagazine.org/lifestyle/single_women.html

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 10:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Yessitsme said, Conversely I have friends who are far too open with people. That also can lead to all kinds of problems. People have taken their confidences and used it against them. Their hearts have gotten broken time after time again. They are everybody's fool.

Speaking as everybody's fool as the description above fits my life experiences all too often to a T, I have a question:

What is the LABEL (and the CONSEQUENCES) for people who destroy confidences and shatter friendships and are brazenly disloyal and revel in it? I have constantly misjudged others to be as rock-solid loyal and deeply caring as I am, and have paid dearly over the years.

From Hair - the musical:
How can people be so heartless, can people be so cruel? Easy.

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 10:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
well, there you go, mb. there are your labels. heartless, cruel.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 10:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
But what are the consequences for the perpetrator. In this world it seems being the fool is worse than being heartless and cruel.

Smacks of the story, Lord of the Flies, eh?

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 10:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
i don't know what to tell you. i can only say what i have done twice. i had my lawyer write them a letter asking them to cease using me for slander. i didn't threaten to sue or threaten to do anything. my lawyer just asked nicely. and, they didn't bother me again and as far as i know they stopped publically talking about me.

oh, and, my lawyer didn't charge me either time.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 10:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Wow!

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 11:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
What is the LABEL (and the CONSEQUENCES) for people who destroy confidences and shatter friendships and are brazenly disloyal and revel in it?

I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or not.

I may be wrong but I honestly don't think people who do this are happy people. Happy people who feel good about themselves don't bother doing that sort of thing to someone. They are too busy enjoying their lives to attempt to ruin someone else's for no good reason.

So I think we can come up with a few labels for them, starting with unhappy.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 1:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Thanks Jimmer. Well what comes to mind is that the perps (as I shall refer to them... ha MY label for them!) sure seem gleeful on the outside, and self-satisfied, etc. Whether or not they are unhappy on the inside, I dunno, y'think a catscan or MRI could tell? (wink)

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, April 28, 2006 - 3:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
I think that sort of stuff comes back to you. Even if they appear to be fine on the outside, my guess is that a large portion are miserable on the inside. I am with Jimmer...if you are really happy with yourself, you want others to also be happy. But then there are the others...I read that about 10% of our population are sociopaths. They wouldn't notice or care about the impact of their decisions.

That is an interesting article, Retired. And does touch on quite a bit that we have discussed! It sounds like we need to get out there and educate a few college students. So sad that they have those perceptions of single versus married. But then again, lots of singles and married people have the same misperceptions! Or at least they are a misperception in my life.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 6:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
What is the American Dream? Being married, having 2.4 kids, comfortable, white picket fence, two car garage, some money in savings, family, middle class, both parents working?

Does anyone have the American Dream? Sounds like Jimmer might (or does he live in Canada, lol)?

I think one of my regrets is that I was too much of a dreamer. Didn't plan enough. Didn't visualize what I wanted. Or wrote it down, to see it, so I could focus on it and make it happen, or at least try.

Now, as a single baby boomer, what would my American Dream be? Why can't living alone be part of the dream? Because no one wants to be lonely. Who said anything about being lonely? Why can't you have vibrant fulfilling relationships where you live alone? It seems to me (for me) it's when you live together, THAT'S where the trouble begins.

But if it's going well, going great, don't you want to be with her all the time? That's how my mind thinks anyway. And maybe that's the flaw in the thinking...


Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 8:45 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
But you know Newman, I think often it is all about perception. I think people have this idealized vision that marriage means you are never lonely and from my married friends I definitely know that is not the truth (even the ones with great marriages.) I don't get lonely often and I know I have closer relationships than most people. Maybe because I need alone time and living alone I get that....I am able to focus on my friends in a way that people who have more distractions at home.

You and I don't have the same view of relationships. Not that either of us is wrong, it's just the different strokes thing. If a guy wants to spend all of his time with me, I start to feel very closed in. Especially at my age, I prefer a guy who has his own friends and interests....that he is willing to share with me, but I don't feel that I have to shirk my own friends and interests to do it. I know some women love the thought of a guy waiting all their lives for them and their lives really just starting when they get together, but I'd rather find someone who would have a vibrant life with or without me. I enjoy men who have strong, longtime friendships and a history. I'm not jealous of that....and hopefully they wouldn't be jealous of my past. I want to share my life with someone, but not every minute. I still want to go on beach weekends with my girlfriends, or out to the movies with my longtime friend Steve (who has been married over 15 years and has a spouse who is fine with us spending time together.) I want an occasional private hours-long phone conversation with my college roommate or one of my other friends who live out of town. I have my own personal traditions and I don't want to give them up.

I also want a quiet knowledge that we choose each other. No reason for major PDA, no having to make sure everyone knows we are together. Just that glance across the room at the party that noone else catches and we know exactly what the other is thinking. Content in the knowledge that noone supports who we are more than the other. Free, yet fully grounded with each other. Secure in ourselves and together not out of need, but out of desire.

For me I think that I couldn't have a good life married if I don't have a good life alone. I'm not sure whether that is true for everyone. (The more I learn the less I know.) There's a strong independent streak in me and the older I get, the more I like that about me. I like it in other people, too, and while it can make life together more challenging I also think it can increase the passion.

Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 8:50 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
I lived the American Dream - nice house, 3 kids, 2 dogs, dad worked, mom stayed home, church every Sunday - it just didn't work out. I lived in an apartment seven and a half years, and about six months ago moved into a rental house, not as big as what I had. Now I'm single, two kids full time, one part-time, one dog, one parakeet, working from home - and I'm happier than I was while living the "dream."

A friend I hadn't talked for many months emailed me the other day, and he couldn't understand when I told him I wasn't dating because it just seemed like too much trouble right now. For me, life is good, and I'm not sure that I want the complications of a relationship. Been there, done that. I've done the dating thing, and haven't found anyone that I really connected with, so it just wasn't all that much fun. But if a guy is looking for tips on how to be a good first date, I can give you some advice: ask her questions and show an interest in her life! I'm a good listener, but I also want someone who will listen to me!

For me, at this point in my life, living the American dream just involves being happy with myself (and health care would be a bonus, but that's another rant!)

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 9:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
And when it gets down to it, who cares what "the American" wants? I think we all need to figure out what our own dreams are. We don't need a composite from a bunch of people who are as screwed up as we are and probably wouldn't appreciate happiness if it bit them on the backside.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 10:24 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Yesitsme, I loved your post. It sounds just like me in so many ways. I've moved away from relationships with good men simply because I felt "closed in". I have a very full life, often too full; and I'm not in a place where I can build it all around one person. It's rather odd to me. I'm very upfront right in the beginning of a relationship that I am VERY independent, and generally men say that they love that about me. But over and over again, that's the very thing that has ended the relationship. They start resenting that independence and crowd me to the point where we're both very unhappy.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 10:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I recall from college courses on Divorce, that men, on average, have a much more difficult time emotionally after a divorce than women.

Men are more likely to marry within the first year after divorce. Men are more likely to commit suicide after a divorce than women. Men suffer more cases of depression after divorce than females.

Part of the reason for this is because women have close friendships and bonds outside of marriage. We often have other people to help meet our emotional needs after we're divorced. Men, on the other hand, don't form as close of friendships as women. Men's friendships aren't as often rooted in emotional things as are woman's.

Also, because the brain is different in men and women, females are more easily capable of expression emotion ... which is healthier.

Here's a point to ponder...

God made Eve to help and be there for Adam. He needed her!

<shrug>

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 12:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
LOL! I don't know if I should feel good or not about Newman suggesting I might be living the American Dream.

First of all I am Canadian. Not that I don't like the U.S. So the question is: Am I living the Canadian Dream?

Well, I don't know if the Canadian Dream and the American Dream are similar or not but I don't think that I am living it.

My impression is that the Canadian "Big City" Dream has become buying a 3,000 square foot house in the suburbs (with at least 3 bathrooms), both parents working, owning two cars (minimum), kids in daycare and spending almost all of your time working and commuting to and from work. Oh and if you can swing it, you buy a cottage that takes a few hours (some in bumper to bumper traffic) to get to each weekend. Oh and the cottage costs far more than most people's houses cost in the rest of Canada.

That's not the way we live!

By the way, Canada is kind of interesting in that the lifestyle and the demographics of the big cities is very different than the rest of the country. Maybe that is true in the States as well?

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 12:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
I think the "American Dream" that Newman described is what the marketing people got everyone to believe. It fueled consumerism, which was great for the economy. It fit right in when guys were returning from WWII and settling back into home life. But times have changed and this ad campaign has lost its luster -- at least for me. Nowadays, the old version of the "American dream" mostly leaves people way too far in debt with kids that are running wild because there's not enough time in the schedule for mom and dad to pay attention to them while they're both working to pay all the bills.

When I tried to fit into that '50s campaign version of the dream, though, it really didn't work for me at all. I picked the wrong guy. I couldn't have kids. I'd rather have cats than a dog and picket fences are too darned much work to maintain! So I guess by that old standard version of the "American dream," I'm pretty much disqualified. flag

But then, I was born in Canada, even though I never lived there, so maybe my gene pool contributes to my being an "outside the box" American.
canada

Maybe the definition of the "American Dream" should change to something more about having the freedom to define your own dreams. :-)

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 2:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Just laughing about the white picket fence, I had one once and tore it down...pain in the butt to maintain.. chipped paint- weedwhacker hitten the wood at the bottom /chipping the wood... a nightmare.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Saturday, April 29, 2006 - 3:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Well now all my illusions are completely gone!!!