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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 10:19 am
Jimmer, no offense taken at all. I was duped big time. But, you know what? If you met him, you would like him. He appears very charming, polite and everything that is good. And with that East Texas accent, blond hair and blue eyes, what's not to love. I don't know if it's the male ego or what, but the spell doesn't last as long with men as it does with women. Unless that woman is married to him. Because when the ring goes on, the mask comes off. I can't tell you how many times my life was threatened if I tried to leave. And his favorite way to mess with your head - just when you think something's not quite right, he is expert at convincing you that you're imagining things. And the really scary part? He enjoys seeing that fear. That's why his family has nothing to do with him, his friends don't hang around very long and he will most likely end up an lonely old man. The point I'm making is that many women (moms or not) have very good reason to be wary of letting a man into their life. We are not just women who are holding a grudge against all men just because our marriage didn't work. And I would rather die a lonely old woman than to subject my son to that type of life again.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 11:21 am
You are right, Kearie. I am a baby boomer, and hardly any of the kids I knew growing up had divorced parents. Everybody had two parents of different genders. That was the norm. A couple kids only had a mom, but my impression was that the fathers were deceased, not divorced.
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 11:26 am
Hugs NT. I remember when you were going thru the custody stuff you just wrote about. You, me and one other person were getting divorced at the same time. I was appalled at what you were both going thru. Splitting up was hard enough on me without the hell you endured. Earlier I was going to make a comment I thought might be hostile. Kar of course got the same point across so much more well said in her post about women and safety. But now I figure what the heck. My style of communication is different so here goes. It is a man's world. You made it. We have to live in it. We females for the most part are the kinder and gentler part of the species. But as you can clearly see the mother lion instinct is alive and well when it comes to some cubs. If we could just figure out a way to dominate how our culture is structured maybe it would be a kinder and gentler world. It's funny. Whether or not I believe the Davinci code is irrelavant. What is relevant for me is I do not participate in the formal religion in which I was raised specifically because I am a second class citizen in that religion. And the examples can just go on and on. Not too many women have started wars that I know of. Blah, blah, blah.
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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 11:31 am
Not too many women have started wars that I know of. And we are the ones who go through childbirth, PMS and menopause.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 12:12 pm
No denying that women have many wonderful qualities and do wonderful things. LOL - I even married one and have two daughters, so I kind of like them too! (I hope everyone accepts this humor in the good spirit with which it was offered)
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Kearie
Member
07-21-2005
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 12:34 pm
Juju--- I remember being the first kid I knew having parents divorcing. No one in my schools, no other kids growing up, no one in the church either. I was 17 when they got divorced. My mom chose to put up with a verbally abusive and controlling husband for the kids ... and because "according to God, divorce is wrong." After 21 years of marriage she finally divorced because it came out that dad was sexually abusing my sister. The day my sister told my mom, was the last day my dad spent in our home. Guess who kept the friends in the church? My dad did. Mom and our family had to find another church because divorce was so shunned...no matter what the reason. Now divorce is common place. We have to think about the kids first. We have to know a poor relationship is unhealthy for kids. Finding a good, stable relationship is VERY important now. The mothers usually have the kids living with her so bringing anyone into the child's life is a risk. We think of our children first. I failed to chose subsequent relationships that would be best for my daughter. One man was verbally abusive to me and at times seemed to want to be physically abusive. He scared ArReal so bad she called 911. She was 12. Obviously he was a poor choice for me and my daughter. I did some crazy things as a parent and because of my mental illness. I must also say, as a parent ArReal always knew she came before any man. She was very secure in my love and acceptance of her...and she always will be secure in that. Funny, now that ArReal is in an abusive relationship, she will not allow herslef to get pregnant. (Good thinking, she did learn something from my mistakes) She also is of a mind that if she divorces, she will be a failure. How do we know when it's time to divorce...and when to stick it out? And how do we let our children who came from broken homes, know it's okay to divorce. Maybe I could rephrase that. Because ArReal came from a broken home, it's very important for her to make marriage work. She wants the "American Dream" and divorce isn't part of that. Divorce means failure. But everyone who knows her story, knows she's in a very abusive relationship. How can I show her it's acceptable and reasonable to divorce? Sorry, I'm babbling ... more bad news from her. More turmoil and strife and I'm beside myself. Mother's Day tomorrow and gosh how I wish my baby was little, safe in my arms.
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Merrysea
Member
08-13-2004
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 12:43 pm
An example of women protecting their young: When I worked for the county, they gave the women in my office a lunchtime safety course one day. The deputy asked us, "What would you do if you were walking down the street, a car pulled up, and a big burly guy tried to grab you and pull you into the car?" The answers were all, "I'd scream, I'd faint, I'd try to run." Then she asked, "What if the person who was trying to grab you was a woman?" We responded, "I'd hit her, I'd bite, I'd fight back." Okay, so the next question was, "What if you were walking down that same street, in that same situation, only the man tried to grab your five-year-old child?" The unanimous response was, "I'D KILL HIM!" So the next question was, "Why won't you fight as hard for yourself as you will for your child?" Maybe that explains a bit why women are more careful in who we see and what we do when children are involved.
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 12:56 pm
I try to make helpful comments from my perspective. However, I can only imagine what it would be like to be in an abusive relationship or have a daughter that is in an abusive relationship. The good thing is that we all know of people who have managed to get out of abusive relationships and go on to have a wonderful life. So it can be done. My cousin came from a great two parent family. Her Mom and Dad were wonderful (from what she has told me and from my own experience that I had with them as an Aunt and Uncle). She is an intelligent woman and very emotionally stable. And yet she ended up married to a nasty guy in a very abusive relationship. The good news is that she was able to get out of it very quickly. She then met her current husband and they now have four wonderful children and all have gone on to have wonderful lives. Kearie, I guess the only thing that you can do in that situation (with your daughter) is to be supportive and non-judgmental and try to guide her in a good direction. It must be very hard.
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 1:00 pm
One thing I liked about taking karate was that we were taught self defense moves. I have never had to use any of them but it is nice to know there are ways to protect oneself.
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Dogdoc
Member
09-29-2001
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 1:19 pm
(((Kearie))) You are a great mom.ArReal knows you love her and she loves you. I spent last week end with a friend who grow up knowing her mother didn't love her or want her.She is 35 now and she said "I just found out mom is bipolar, I wish I had known that before, it would have explained a lot." Her mother will stop talking to her for long periods but will not say why. My friend loves her mom despite how she was raised. I want to thank all of the mothers who have posted here and shown how great most mothers are.
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Baby
Member
01-08-2006
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 1:59 pm
I just had a very nice conversation with Kearie and I think under the circumstances both she and ArReal are going to do just fine. They both have great heads on their shoulders and are strong women. From what I can see, ArReal just needs time to get where she needs to go. And with all of the love and support from a wonderful mom like Kearie, and with the love and support from other family members and friends, I have no doubt she will get there, be stronger for this journey and be A-O.K. Love and support can be so very powerful in one's life and can truly make a huge difference! I love you, Kearie!
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Brenda1966
Member
07-03-2002
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 2:19 pm
Newman, I agree that you are not really hearing us. Your step kids were pre-teens when you met them -- old enough to tell mom if something inappropriate happens. My DD is 4 and not old enough to understand inappropriate touching. I agree with Karuuna that men don't seem to understnad what a dangerous world it is for women, how every time we walk in a dark parking lot or get on an elevator we have to be on guard. I don't know how to make men understand how women must protect themselves. As for us being martyrs. Not a chance. I think we've all expressed how much we love being moms -- that this is what we want to focus on. Our kids will only be young for a few precious years and spending our time focused on them is what we want to do. As for control.... when's the last time you tried to control a 4 year old? LOL. I do admit that I like running my own household. I consider that a perk of being single. I get to decided how our houshold will be run. I'm not interested in sharing that responsibility with a man. I currently share DD with her grandparents and that's hard enough for me. My house feels SO lonely when she spends the night there and I'm home with the dog. I think you're having a hard time understanding that we don't feel we're missing out on ANYTHING by not dating. And I agree with the statement above that some men resent that. They feel threatened by this. I actually had a male acquantance tell me it was unfair I could have a child on my own and he couldn't. Sorry! While men have many advantages in the world -- this is one I'm proud to have. I'm enjoying this discussion.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 3:11 pm
It just seems like the implication is a woman should NEED a man. What all these women are saying so very eloquently is that they don't NEED one at all. If one should happen to come along, that would be a lovely addition to their lives, but their lives are already very full and complete. Newman, I know you have expressed that you would like to find a partner. Maybe that's the difference that makes it so hard for you to understand what these ladies are saying...they aren't looking and aren't interested.
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Grannyg
Member
05-28-2002
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 4:39 pm
If Juju is a baby boomer, then I must be too!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 6:00 pm
You da man, Grannyg!! Uhhh ... or whatever. We ain't going gentle into that good night, and our lives are definitely NOT almost over.
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Chewpito
Member
01-04-2004
| Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 7:37 pm
well im pritty sure that any women that Newman may come in contact with/with any intrest...are not going to come with young children, adult children/late teens..maybe...but unless hes looking to find a real youngen..then he will be off the diper duty hook (just my thoughts).. He may have to measure up to adult children though, who could be a tougher bunch to win over/ after all/ adult children usually are more wary of the men that may be coming thru moms door. Many of you anguish over the children feeling fear of loosing mom while mom dates... Im outa the loop there, I didnt leave my daughter- only to work. If I liked a man enough to get to know him better...well they had probably allready met my daughter because she was allways with me. I had a bad relationship with my dad, not close to my family. My first marrige was a nightmare and It seems most of the posters here have had some bad experiances...But because I never had a good Dad bond, I think I needed other men in my life more. I like men (even with bad experiances) I cant emagine not having them around. I think I like men more then women (no offence) Men are fun to have around..being a bit of a tomboy, I love to be with the guys.. Even though my daughter didnt have a dad or uncles and grandpas around...I supplied her with many great men. She never felt scared or left behind, Because I never left her behind, and as I have said most of the men in my life are raising thier children(or raised) and all the kids just played and did what kids do. If somthing wasnt going right,I usually saw it right away/ I never put any one over my daughter/if things were not good I would nip it in the bud real quick. I did want to say somthing to NT, I do feel for you, having a child with special needs has to be very tough and I do understand that you have to be very carefull. If you ever find someone though that does turn your head, You def need to see him with your son, does he have the patience to be in your childs life? That is somthing that you need to learn first and not later. Some people act one way and say they can handle any thing, but when it comes down to it, If they dont have the patience for a child that requires extra work/needs/extra love/sopport...Kick em to the curb cause they will not be good for him or you... But I just want to say that Ive had some very bad experiances but I still love men, allways will.
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Yesitsme
Member
08-24-2004
| Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 7:30 am
Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms out there. The human race would not be won without you!
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Penguingirl
Member
01-26-2006
| Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 8:22 am
Here's a special {{HUG}} to all of us who's mother has passed. Many of us greet this day with moments of relection, fond memories and a sense of sorrow. But, our moms will always be present in our hearts. For that, we are fortunate people.
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Retired
Member
07-11-2001
| Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 9:34 am
Newman, I also agree you are not always hearing us (women). More than once you have stated you are "speed reading" or "skimming" the posts. Half reading is like half listening. Please read this article I posted earlier on The Secret Lives of Single Women. It debunks many myths you seem to still hold about women. It is pretty long article from the May-June issue of the AARP magazine, but is worth reading. http://www.aarpmagazine.org/lifestyle/single_women.html
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Jimmer
Moderator
08-30-2000
| Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 10:05 am
It's an interesting article but there was nothing in there that made me jump up and go "Wow!" I guess that is a good thing. (Just so there is no misunderstanding – I enjoyed reading it and appreciate your recommending it)
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Retired
Member
07-11-2001
| Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 10:58 am
That's a good thing Jimmer. I especially wanted Newman to read Myths #1 and #2.
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