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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 11:23 pm
Newman wrote: It would be a challenge for me to drop cable tv news and talk radio from my life and replace it with being a Big Brother or coaching a little league team. Why should I give up stuff I enjoy for stuff I'm not sure I'd like or be good at? I'd like to offer some possible answers. 1. Because you want something different than what you have now?? I don't knwo--maybe you don't. But it would sure be a heck of a way to get something different. If you don't like them, get the cable back again. 2. If you don't give it a try, you will never know if you are good at it or like it. Are there uncertainties? You bet, although giving it a try will clear them up. And it's not a long term commitment just to give it a try. Think of what you see as possible negatives to trying, and then check what you see as possible potentials if it goes well. Is it worth the effort? Newman also wrote: But right now I feel like being introspective, crawling into a shell, being passive, just listening. I call it "regrouping". Reassessing. A good course of action for me at this point, I think. Nothing wrong with that idea Newman. Heck, I think it's something we all should do. I offer to you that doing this task with both your mind and your heart is a decent path over just using your mind or just using your heart. We have to deal with things in real life that take both--and what you are trying to do is see things about you and life. Newman, I didn't look to get married either--ever again. It worked out such that it happened though. Newman wrote: I find it interesting that I'm walking around my townhouse, with no tv or stereo on, trying to think of what to say to perfect strangers. We aren't perfect--LOL! Seriously though, you have shown us a lot about yourself--and I think others have given that to you. At this point, other than not having met face ot face, I don't consider you a stranger. I know little ot nothing about a stranger. Newman, one more set of words that aren't my own, although say an awful lot to me. With your self search, maybe you can glean something from them: "At every moment you choose yourself. But do you choose your self?? Body and soul contain a thousand possibilities out of which you can build many I's. But in only one of them is there a congruence of the elector and the elected." Dag Hammarskjold "Markings"
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Mameblanche
Member
04-13-2005
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 11:56 pm
It might just be me, but my perception on your posts Newman, is that you are sounding way more relaxed, calm, and centred, in this last post, than in your earlier posts. Forgive me for being presumptuous about that. But my point is that I am happy for you, and loved the funny little 'visual' of you walking around your appartment mulling over pertinent discussion points. For what its worth, I do that a lot too. Well, I'm usually flopped on the couch, or at my home/office desk, but I am constantly thinking of my pals here and their situations. Its at a point where even my dh knows a few of them by their nicknames cuz I chat with him about so and so and how they are doing, and my concerns. At first he thought this was all weird, with a 'they don't pay my bills' attitude. But now he's usually attentive, and happy to know about some of the folks on here and especially certain discussions, like music and sports. He was especially moved by the fact that when he underwent surgery recently so many people here were so caring and supportive! And its also nice to be able to remind him that he and I met in cyberspace too. LOL.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 11:59 pm
Mame, I agree with you that the posts Newman has now feel different than his first couple of posts.
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Mameblanche
Member
04-13-2005
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 12:03 am
Lance, This place is magical AND addictive. What else can I say.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 12:22 am
I agree with you on both points. 
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Seamonkey
Moderator
09-07-2000
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 1:04 am
Newman, what you said about being a twin and having that connection that only twins seem to have, and expecting that would be your experience from a marriage partner.. that caught my interest. I think many of us do expect that marriage will bring that connection and so often it simply doesn't, but you actually had that experience, so I can see it hitting harder when the marriage didn't produce that. Also seems like a ways back you mentioned reconnection with your twin? Add to that your current mood of introspection and reassessment and it seems like there is some inner exploration going on and ongoing, and this includes your twin in the exploration. SOME volunteer work seems to be (and often is) pretty daunting, all-consuming and that often stops us from taking a first step. When/if you come to a point where some organization interests you or calls out to you, you may be able to help out on a one time event, to sort of get a taste of that organization and what volunteer opportunities exist with them before just jumping into the deep end. Jmm suggested a literacy or ESL (English as a second language program) (there was a different title in her area) and I know for me.. I went to the orientation and came to the conclusion that it wasn't something I'd feel comfortable doing and so I didn't go through the extensive training. I have a friend, Ruth, who does ESL volunteering every week, loves doing it and it works very well for her. That's just an example, but with any type of volunteer work, you can always check it out and decide to explore other options. I also sense a shift in the "feel" of your posts. ================ I'm also one who never had kids.. sort of wish my brother had given me nieces and nephews but he also didn't have kids. I was married for 13 years (at least 4 years too long in the case of that situation) and have been single for 25 years (or at least not married) and I'm comfortable that way.
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 9:08 am
There are all sorts of different types of volunteering, and not all of them require mentoring. Volunteer at a local state park or museum. Volunteer at your local library. Volunteer at your local playhouse (when you volunteer as an usher, you generally get a chance to see most of the play at no charge). My point is that volunteering -- for anything -- gets one out of the house, meeting new people, having new opportunities, learning new things... volunteering can give you back something. And you can kind of choose what you want back.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 9:15 am
It's the aubergine magic I've been sprinkling around here. 
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 9:19 am
i believe it's the change of the glass. the glass is no longer half empty, but half full.
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 9:47 pm
The title of this thread is not "How can we fix Newman!" Can't we focus our attention on helping Kearie or Costa or Lance or Mame or Mocha or Landi or Seamonkey? I don't like all this attention, geeeeeeeeeze! I think the thread's title should be reworked. Why not do that now? Help me with it. - Feeling comfortable living alone in 21st Century America How about that for a thread title? - Would you take advice from a perfect stranger? - What is the meaning of life? - The holiday blues : how to minimize the pain of existance in this materialistic society while living an absurdly lonely life and the glass is not half full or half empty, it's broken! Two things: 1. Lance, do you have a book of quotes or did you go to www.daghammerjold.com for that last bit of wisdom? 2. Seamonkey, you did strike a chord with the topic of "expectations". I think that very word can be at the heart of my failing to find love in this cold cruel world (has my tone shifted to the dark side again, LOL)? When I'm not writing here I have been emailing my twin brother back in Virginia. He's more into it than I am. We're getting to know each other a little bit after many years of barely speaking. By chance I happened to email him at work, and guess what? People would rather reminisce with their twin, typing long responses, than do actual work! The computer can be a good thing I'm not sure that having EXPECTATIONS have anything to do with being a twin, though. I'm guessing that when we fall in love and get married none of us are anticipating being yelled and screamed at just for having a different opinion on how to raise the kids. I would expect my wife to treat me like a friend, not like her worst enemy! I don't think that's an odd expectation. I remember thinking that achieving "intimacy" with another human being (my wife) was the last frontier. To be really close to someone, in love, happy, someone to share life with, share observations, have fun with, talk to, listen to, raise a family with, take vacations with, celebrate holidays...Niagara Falls...holidays...how do you celebrate holidays without a family? How many times can I watch "It's a Wonderful Life" by myself? Let's turn this thread back into it's original purpose. Let's talk about our culture, our society, what it's like living alone and dealing with holidays, feeling ok about living alone, that sort of thing. If I hear anyone suggest volunteering again, with my name in the same paragraph, I will scream!
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 9:58 pm
oooops
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 11:10 pm
How do you celebrate holidays without a family? Well, I can tell you what I do. First, I try not to focus on THE DAY of Christmas. Rather, I think of it as a season. During the Christmas season, I spend time with friends a lot. In fact, I just got home from my car club meeting where we did a white elephant gift exchange and everyone brought cookies and other goodies and we had a really fun evening. Last weekend, the same club went to lunch and then delivered toys to the charity we support year-round. Next weekend is our Christmas party, which is always a ton of fun. That's one big circle of friends I enjoy during the holidays as well as all year long. I have other circles of friends that come into play as well. Several of my "Wild Women" group will get together for lunch sometime this month. We have been spending long weekends together at the beach for over 10 years and we have a lot of fun. Those women are a trustworthy source of comfort and support all the time. Then, there are friends from church and church activities that I try to find time for this month. Not always possible now that I'm self-employed, but I do what I can. The other thing for me is that this is a very busy season for work. I deal blackjack for a company that provides casino entertainment at parties. This is our busiest time of the year and I'm working at least four nights a week doing that. Now, all this doesn't mean I don't get the holiday blues -- I definitely do. But it's part of how I deal with it. On Christmas eve, there are services at church. Christmas day, I get to sleep in as long as I want, I won't do any work, will probably veg out and watch movies (something I don't often get time to do), open the few gifts I've received from my brother and sister and whoever else might see fit to send me something, and make a few phone calls. Usually I get invited to someone's home for dinner, along with other folks who either have no kids of their own or are single like me for whatever reason. If that doesn't happen, I'll make myself something I really like and enjoy it with a glass of red wine. Yes, I'd love to have a wonderful man at my side on Christmas (and every other day) to pamper and receive pampering from, but that's not reality for me right now. So, I make the day special for myself. And of course, there are other things to look forward to, like a Hanukkah party friends have invited me to on December 30th and my birthday on January 9th (the big 5-0!). Actually Christmas is a lot easier than New Year's Eve for me because that's so much more centered on couples. I get around that by making sure I'm dealing cards somewhere -- hopefully in someone's home since that's a time we're more likely to get a tip from the host of the party. Anyway, that's the way I deal with it all. Oh, and if I get too blue, I remember how tense some of the holidays were when I was married. This is a MUCH better situation that that!! 
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Mameblanche
Member
04-13-2005
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 11:18 pm
Newman if there was an area/thread here for suggestions on how to 'fix' me, depending on my mood I'd either run towards it or away from it. Bottom line for me though, is the INTENTION of the fixer. The fact that so many people were drawn to this thread says alot about how YOU expressed yourself so clearly and concisely AND it resonated with so many of us in some way or another. I have never seen so much UNsugarcoated candor as I have seen here, and that is because I guess you have made it clear that you are a straightforward no bs kinda guy. So although IMHO CH abounds with warm fuzzies, and humour, and I am quite addicted to that... I found this NO BS zone quite refreshing, although initially intimidating. So thank you so much for opening up such a fascinating thread. I have learned more about my fellow CHers in this thread, over the past few days than I have since I got really involved with this place this past summer. Plus, pardon the pun from an agnostic, but I made a leap of faith, with my personal post here the other day. I cannot envision another thread, including my own, where I would have done that. Okay, well maybe my own folder. LOL.
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Lancecrossfire
Animoderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 11:24 pm
Newman, actually the answer to the question you asked me is neither. I have collected quotes over the years that I can relate to and that have meaning for me. They've come to me in various ways over time.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 11:36 pm
I have a book of quotes.
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Max
Moderator
08-12-2000
| Friday, December 09, 2005 - 11:52 pm
We desire to understand the world by giving names to the things we see, but these things are only the effects of something subtle. When we see beyond the desire to use names, we can sense the nameless cause of these effects. -Lao Tzu Random Tao Quotes
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Merrysea
Member
08-13-2004
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 12:25 am
Newman, in response to dealing with the holidays, so far I haven't had to spend a holiday entirely alone, but since my mom and sister moved away a couple years ago, I only have my kids, and then I have to alternate holidays, except that my oldest son, who is 22, chooses to spend each holiday with me. Neither of us is into big Thanksgiving dinners (or football), so each year that it's just the two of us, we go to a movie on that day. Perhaps if you're alone for Christmas, something like that would work for you. It's nice, because the theater is not crowded, and we have our pick of seats, and no one talks behind us!
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 12:33 am
i don't need fixing, i'm <NOT> perfect just the way i am! <skipping out> AND I WOULDN"T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY!
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Costacat
Member
07-15-2000
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 11:28 am
I can definitely state: I don't need fixing. I'm quite happy just the way I am, thankyouverrymuch! 
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Mameblanche
Member
04-13-2005
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 2:56 pm
I'm not perfect, therefore I could always use a 'tuneup'. LOL. For the record: I am not implying that anyone here thinks they are perfect. Just joshing a bit about myself.
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Native_texan
Member
08-24-2004
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 6:49 pm
Would it be possible to reserve time here for next Christmas? Next year will be the first that I won't be able to spend with my son because he will be with his dad and I am already finding myself obsessing about it. Once the holidays are over I'm sure about worry about it anymore until, oh, maybe June. Newman, have you thought about volunteer work?
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 8:24 pm
Lance, that's a mighty fine memory you have for quotes. I'm seriously impressed. I love a good quote. For some reason the only ones I can remember were by Yogi Berra or Jesus. Abby, have I lost my mind or did you play "Gotcha" with me earlier this morning? It was a well written criticism. I did ask for help. Now, I've changed my mind. Excellent piece of research and/or memory on your part. Don't know why you had it zapped. Sorry I didn't have time to respond this morning. Native Texan...aaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Merry, I always go over to friends in Lakewood. They take care of me. However, HE is a huge right wing Republican and frankly that fact dulls my enthusiasm for going. But there will be young adults present, so we'll probably end up talking about them and their lives. It'll be ok. Mame, I agree. This has been a good thread and it will be a lot better when people stop trying to fix Newman with it. We have good people on this thread. It's interesting reading different perspectives. I liken it to an electronic bar or coffee shop. Or barber shop. It IS a no BS zone. Max, I'm jealous. Sounds like a great little car club you have there. Combining friendship and charity and a passionate interest in cars. Good for you. If only I liked cars. Can't you find some way to fix ... errrrrrrr, never mind. I could VOLUNTEER at our local car club, aaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! <Newman screaming> I agree Max. I'd rather be alone than to be trapped in a bad marriage with no hope, which is essentially lonelier than being alone. One new stress on my job as mailman. Do I say Merry Christmas to my customers or Happy Holidays? I'd like to thank Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity for this new crisis. Time to open some red wine myself and watch a movie on tape. Happy Holidays everyone!
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 8:33 pm
Don't say either, just say Yo. And according to my family I'm an enigma who worships Satan so I'm pretty well fixed.
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Karuuna
Board Administrator
08-31-2000
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 8:47 pm
Actually, when I've been alone on the holidays I always volunteer somewhere. hehehehe 
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Newman
Member
09-25-2004
| Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 8:53 pm
   
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