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Archive through April 24, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through April 24, 2006 users admin

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Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 5:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
I am one of Newman's closed people. I think there is a difference between conversation and questions. Newman, you said you like to ask questions and don't always listen to the answer because you are thinking of the next question. I don't think that is fair to the person you are "interviewing." You are wasting their time if they are trying to come up with as answer.If somebody asks me where I work I say "In an animal hospital." If they ask me what I do there I say I am a veterinarian. I don't like to give out a lot of information about myself . Closed or open. Both ways are ok.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 6:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
I'm glad we can be free and open and honest here to discuss things. Remember, communication is imperfect. And so am I.

I do not purposely try to hurt people's feelings. OK? Sometimes that happens. Sorry. It happens in real life too. I think by the time you're a baby boomer you've learned how to deal with hurt feelings.

Mame, you don't need my approval. No one does. You bring out many of the reasons why people don't have kids. Good reasons.

I was just explaining my faulty knee jerk reasoning, when I meet a new person. Of course, first impressions can be wrong. You are NOT going to know someone in the first few moments of a conversation.

Oldtex, that's the difference between men and women. If I'm allowed to generalize, women are more nurturing. Men have other problems. They might have kids but are bad providers, gamble or drink the money away instead of taking care of their family. I judge that too.

Dogdoc, I agree. I'm not fair. But I'm also not mean spirited. I'm open. You're closed. I see that. You have to be comfortable in your own skin.

Personally Dogdoc, I don't think you take enuf chances. Can I say that? Why are you so closed? What are you afraid of? Do you have regrets?

I have many regrets. I think of all the "signals" different women put out to me that I failed to see. I wish I could have worked thru my shyness in my 20s and 30s, but I couldn't. I wish I had taken more chances in life, emotional risks, been more aggressive, less shy...approached more women who I was attracted to, but alas was too shy, waited for them to make the first move...


Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 6:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
As is much in life, I think it partly goes back to how you were raised. My parents were very open with me and open in other respects but at the same time they were very closed on certain issues. The idea of asking someone how much money they make or what their house cost was absolutely appalling to them. My Mom especially did not like to share personal details with anyone outside of our family.

Even today, I am astonished at the intimate details that people are willing to share with people that they barely know.

Now interestingly enough, I don't feel that way about our friends here at TVCH as I feel that we "know" each other, though many of us have not met or talked in person.

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 10:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Newman: Truly, my feelings were in no way shape or form 'hurt'. But may I say that I was completely taken aback at something you said, which in turn spurred me to my comments. I'm sorry if I was a bit snarky. I find it wonderful that you do recognize your 'faulty reasoning' in that situation. Do you find that by exploring and discussing things here, that you are learning AND changing. Sometimes for me, it seems easy to discover new ways of thinking, but not so easy to adapt them. But its all a matter of willingness, I suppose. I am genuinely interested in your response, and everyone else's too, of course. :-)

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 3:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
I have never had children, but have spent far more time with them than the average parent. I have ten nieces and nephews that I spend time with on a regular basis, most of my friend's kids and my niece's and nephew's friends refer to me as "Aunt Kim" and come to me for support and advice, I have godchildren (a role I take seriously), have been a youth leader at my church, have worked with Big Brothers Big Sisters and other such community programs, have been a housemother for teenagers in a children's home. I'm always hauling kids around to things and spend lots of my time with them. I would have loved to have been a mother, and think I would have been a good one, but never wanted to do it without a spouse. I've found life presents many opportunities for me to devote myself to kids.

From what I know about Mameblanche, she would have been a wonderful mom. Heck, look at her around here....she mothers everyone!

Conversely, I know many, many parents who seemingly hate children or don't relate to them. They don't have good relationships with their kids and never will. They don't notice a kid when they walk in a room and see them as a vital person who would be interesting to get to know.

So....who is self-absorbed? Who are the nurturers? Because you gave birth to a child or donated the sperm or even lived in the house with them and provided for them financially as they were growing up, that in itself doesn't say too much about who you are. There are a lot of us who may not have biologically given birth, but we are parenting the kids that these parents choose not to parent or chose to parent badly. Sometimes a title means nothing.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 3:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
I'm happy to say that I have learned new things here as well as a deeper appreciation for things that I already knew.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 5:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Yesitsme, I agree you don't have to have children of your own to spend time with them. I spent a lot of time with my niece as she grew up. (She is now 30) I enjoy working in our church nursery and the kids like me. I teach a kid's Sunday School class. Newman, I have no regrets. I have lived my life like I have wanted to. I do take chance. I have a fear of heights and yet I climbed temple 2 in Tikal to prove I could do it. I have don't like closed places but I took a 3 day open water SCUBA diving course and am certified in open water diving. (there is a picture in my folder). I have no regrets about not being married and not having children. I have friends that I do things with and I have a dog to keep me company at home. Some of my closest friends are here. I hope you don't think that is pathetic.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 6:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I wanted two kids. Sometimes I get asked why I didn't have two. Isn't it hard just having one?

I feel very blessed to have had one. With all my female problems I was lucky to have had her.

Now that I look back though, I can say I'm glad I only had one. I think God knew what was best. With all my issues, it would have been unfair to the child to have another. ArReal learned early to be independent...she had to be.

I never taught her to cook or clean or sew. I didn't play dolls with her or do homework with her. I was selfish in many ways and regret that.

But she turned out wonderful anyway. Two kids would have been too much.

Most of my friends are here also.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 6:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Mame, let's remember I'm in my mid fifties. I'm not going to be changing. As Popeye would say, "I am what I am."

I am going to a "party" this Saturday, thru my church. I'll behave like I normally do. Shy, with the strangers, until I get to know them, which probably won't happen in one night.

It's like you said and I'll rephrase it. You can learn something, intellectually, but then to put it to use, well, that's another story. You can't change a lifetime of being a certain way. Well, not likely...

Do we really learn anything new here? Or learn anything we can use? Jimmer, what did you learn? Can you be specific? Probably re-learn is more like it. I agree with that.

Dogdoc, you pathetic? I think not. You are a puzzle to me, I have to admit. You seem timid and closed (my observation and judgment from your writing) and yet you have a great sense of humor and are in a profession where you have to be confident and self assured.

In fact, when I go to this party on Saturday I think I'll tell everyone I'm a Vet, instead of a mailman. Instantly I'll get more approval and status. But how will I handle the inevitable dog questions that will ensue? Maybe I'll call you from the bathroom or something, <chuckling>.


Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 6:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
You can always change and grow, no matter how old you are. Learning to be more patient. Learning to be more compassionate. Learning to be more sensitive. Learning to show love more. Learning to forgive more. Learning from our mistakes.

To quit changing and growing is to cease living any sort of life that is meaningful.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 6:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Ahhhhh, the idealism of youth. We can all tell you're not a baby boomer yet, Kearie.

When you get to be our age you learn to accept the way you are. I realize I'm not going to get any smarter, for example. I'm not suddenly going to be the life of the party or a joke teller.

Many of us live meaningless lives. Sad but true. In fact, that's a good baby boomer topic.


Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 6:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I disagree Newman. I'm 47 and I change all the time (and I hear many of my friends saying 'thank goodness for that'). I think it's a matter of going after what you want, being optimistic and determined. Many people make dramatic changes in the latter half of their lives.

If a life lacks meaning, I say go look for it and create it!

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 7:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Amen Karuuna!!!

Wisdom doesn't just come with age ...
Idealism of youth? That's pretty funny if you're referring to me.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 7:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Newman, when I read here you were a mailman I didn't think any of the things you said you thought people thought. I got an image of my present mailman. He does his route with a cell phone attached to his ear. I can no longer put mail in my box to be picked up because he shoves the new mail in on top of it. I get wrong mail all the time and people have knocked on my door to give me something of mine they received. When you say mailman I think of him. Our mailman before him was great. No wrong mail. He always stopped to chat and knew everybody's name. It never occured to me that I wouldn't get all my mail. I bet when you say you are a mailman other people are like me and if you are lucky, they have a good one and will like you. (lol)

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 7:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
halfempty

Ah, Newman, I fear you are like the chicken on the right. :-)

I'm 50, definitely a baby boomer, and while I accept the way I am, I still am open to growing and changing. I learn new things all the time. Growth doesn't stop automatically with age; it's a state of mind.

And I don't believe anyone lives a meaningless life. There is meaning in everything we do. It's all a matter of what meaning you assign to your actions. If you choose to believe there's no meaning, that there's arsenic in every half-full glass of water, then you're right -- from your perspective. However, there IS meaning in the fact that you walk on this earth. You take up space. You create ripples in the pond of life. Just because you choose not to see any affects of your presence does not mean they do not exist. :-)

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 7:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
chicken

Newman, tell folks you provide amusement and exercise for off-leash dogs. :-)

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 7:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
My mailman's dog always tried to bite me when it came in for vaccinations.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 7:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
lol...the irony of it.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 8:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
LOL Dogdoc!!! That is a good one!

Newman asked me what I learned here:

One of the things that I think I have learned here is how to be a better Dad. Possibly not in the way you might think. Not so much from other people's experience of parenthood (though that is valuable information as well) but more so from hearing what other people remember of their childhood experiences now that they are adults.

I've always thought that I am a good Dad and a kind Dad. But hearing how years later people remember a childhood incident, harsh words or a bad experience has given me a greater appreciation of how things parents say and do can affect a child forever.

For example, when one of my girls comes up to me all excited but with an idea that I don't approve of, I pay close attention to her, affirm her enthusiasm and then gently guide her in the direction that I want her to go. It's all too easy to inadvertantly crush a child and I am careful not to do that in any way.

So although I hope that I've always been a good Dad, I now try to think to myself about what my girls may remember from their childhood when they are adults and try to ensure that those memories will be good ones.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 8:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Great example Jimmer.

It's interesting, just now, back in my folder DogDoc opened my eyes to something I'd never thought of. She made a small comment, but to me...it really changed my actions.

I learned, I grew and hopefully a little change may come because of a simple thing she pointed out to me. Perhaps in some way...my life will be richer for having read what she wrote.

TVCH is amazing that way.

Heyltslori
Moderator

09-15-2001

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 8:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Heyltslori a private message Print Post    
I love your post Jimmer. Your girls are lucky to have such a great dad.

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 9:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Thank you Kearie and Lori.

I was also lucky in that I had a great teacher in my own Dad. If I can even begin to be as good a Dad to my girls as he was to me, I'll be very happy.

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 9:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Jimmer, I'm with Lori. You are a sweetie! But I won't tell anyone in case it would embarrass you.

I'm a baby boomer and find that I change way more now than I did during my younger years. I am not nearly as scared of trying things, for example. I don't mind whether I fail. I don't want to get to the end of my life regretting not having lived and experienced so much of what this great world offers. I plan to get much smarter. I have gotten way better at parties and while I can't tell a joke well because I always forget the punchline, I do get in quite a few witty comments (well, I amuse myself!) I accept the way I am, but that doesn't mean I am anywhere close to where I want to be yet.

There is an argument that all life is meaningless, but I have never bought that. I figure your life is only meaningless if you allow it to be. And if you dig your heels in and quit living, it is almost a certainty!

Mameblanche
Member

08-24-2002

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 10:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mameblanche a private message Print Post    
Yessie, thanks soooo much for your kind words about me waaay up there a few posts ago! Warmed my heart AND brought tears to my eyes. You are a dear, dear cyberpal! Thank you. :-)

This clubhouse allows me to be the person I want to be in RL. I think I am to a great degree, but its easier here. Its nice not to have to deal with negative body-language, or correctly interpreted AND misinterpreted slights, well, not nearly as often! I just take what I read here at face value and enjoy it, or deal with it as best I can, and mend fences when I feel its called for. I doubt I am unique in this regard. I find it calming to be friends here. Whereas in rl I'm always double thinking: Am I appropriate in this moment. Why is so and so giving themselves permission not to be appropriate with me when I sweat bullets to be appropriate with them.

Am I making any sense? I find that so many kindnesses flourish here on a daily basis, and there is so much wisdom freely shared here, that its as seductive as a warm bath, with bubbles AND champagne.

Ooopsy, I think I just wandered into a tangent. All because of the topic of self-acceptance. Hmmm.

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Monday, April 24, 2006 - 10:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
Very well said Mameblance, your last post is alot how I feel. I do think you can learn from reading here. I love what jimmer wrote, I learned from my own childhood to be differant with my daughter....and she is wonderfull even though I still struggle with things-she is so strong and smart and good so I must have done something right. Great posts, so uplifting for me.