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Archive through May 13, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through May 13, 2006 users admin

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Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 2:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Gidget, the number of adults attracted to children usually tossed about is around 4%, but not *acting* pedophiles. Some folks feel an abnormally strong attraction toward children, but never act out with a child. I don't have any stats on numbers/percent of pedophiles per se.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 2:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texannie a private message Print Post    
Isn't dating a sort of "trying on" period? trying each other on to see if you fit as it were. sometimes you know the fit isn't right immediately, sometimes after a few dates and sometimes even longer. I am not a single mom, but I am a baby boomer, and I couldn't imagine introducing my child to every single man I met before I knew the 'fit'.

Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 2:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Juju2bigdog a private message Print Post    

quote:

I dated a man for four months before I found out he was a compulsive liar (and very good at it) and also had a record. Evreyone thought he was the nicest guy I ever dated (until we learned the truth). When I broke it off, he stalked me for several months.




Just for the record, "everybody" does not include Karuuna's imaginary internet friends. We used to talk to her in chat sometimes during that period, and we hated that guy.

Okay, carry on.

Unless, it was a different guy, in which case, never mind. :-)

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 3:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
I think because kids grow up so fast today we forget that because they can act like little adults, they aren't. Their brains process things differently than ours. For example, most children can't conceive of things not being about them. It's the reason divorce can be traumatic to them....they think it is their fault and have a hard time being convinced of anything else. They often can't articulate their thoughts so that we can reassure them. Having streams of people in and out of their lives can be confusing and make them feel insecure. You have to know your child and what is right for them and be the adult in the relationship. If it is difficult for us to ascertain who is a suspicious character and who is solid, we can't expect kids to do it. Certainly the older a child gets, the more you can expose them to.

And I don't have kids, but I don't even introduce the guys I am dating to my adult family members very quickly. I like figuring out on my own how I feel about someone, and gradually letting them meet my friends first, then my family members. Who needs the pressure that other people can put on you?

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 8:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Karuuna, maybe I'm just naive. I'm not a compulsive liar, so I project that your average man is not a compulsive liar either. Like Jimmer said, you have to take chances in life, don't you?

Maybe this defines the differences between men and women the best (just generalizing here). As I speed read some of the women's replies they are filled with caution, concern, worry about what could go wrong, etc. As a man, I wonder how to move things along faster (if I'm having a good time and see a future). Why is she putting the breaks on I would wonder. Doesn't she like me?

Of course, I'm not a pedofile or compulsive liar or an axe murderer. And I don't think like those people either; so I start to think that she really just doesn't like me or that it just isn't going to work out. I can take NO for an answer. I hate being somewhere where I'm not wanted.

As for the child's question, "Where are you going, Mom?" Again I project myself into the situation. "Just going out with a friend."

"Which friend, Mom? Where are you going? Can I come along? When will you be back?"

Don't kids naturally ask questions? You're going out with Joe again? You just went out with him last week? How come we never go to movies anymore? Do you like Joe better than you like me? Can we at least rent a movie? I heard there's a good one out called "I married an Axe Murderer!"

OK, I'm thinking of the obnoxious precocious TV or movie kid, who would be asking all those questions, ha ha.


Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 8:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Gidget a private message Print Post    
The prediliction is close enough for me. One would have to consider if the possibility was there at any time whatever was restraining the person from acting could go away.

I had only considered the emotional attachment of bringing a "date" into your child's life. I hadnt thought about abuse. Now I can understand why one of my coworkers is not dating until her daughter is grown.

People here have spoken about how the man/woman relationship comes before the children. And how kids need to experience positive and negatives in life.

But as a person who was never blessed with children and who really gets annoyed that crack addicts can pop them out like Pez and then leave them to fend for themselves, I applaude you ladies who in my opinion have your priorities straight.

You have been blessed and entrusted with the most important responsibility in life... to care for a child. And I hope you will find suitable companions to fulfill your adult needs as well. But I dont have to tell you they are few and far between.


Baby
Member

01-08-2006

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 8:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Baby a private message Print Post    
Great post, Gidget! I especially like the last paragraph!

Even though my child is no longer living at home (he's almost 30, is married and a parent himself), I can totally relate to the moms here who still have little ones at home and their feelings regarding the importance of protecting their children.

We, as parents, take on the responsibility of caring for our children in the best possible way, when we decide to have them. And if this means putting our lives on hold in some areas to ensure our kids happiness and welfare, then so be it!

Brenda1966
Member

07-03-2002

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 8:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Brenda1966 a private message Print Post    
Newman, there are plenty of women out there who are ready to dive right in, pack up and move right in. I've known them, been friends with them (and honestly thought they were nuts) but they are out there and it sounds like that is the kind of woman you need to find.

Most of the women I know who are inclined to take things more slowly would be very honest with you and tell you straight that they didn't want to see you again. They wouldn't keep going out with someone if they weren't interested as they consider their time too valuable. They would also probably be turned off if the guy seemed to need constant reassurance that she was interested. They would see that as being needy and insecure.

I do have one friend who will go out with a guy and not say no because she's afraid of hurting his feelings. This kind of stringing along is unfair and drives me batty.

There are just so many flavors out there! If you really want a relationship you have to get out there and find one.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 9:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
Is the glass half full? I seem to get lectured with that old saw on this site quite often.

Here's another one: nothing ventured, nothing gained. Seems to me that most of you women are so overly cautious. But you have to be comfortable with your own choices, and in your own skin. I understand.

I forgot my own life. My Ex was a single Mom, with 3 kids in tow, when I met her! How could I forget that?!

We hit it off when we first met. I met her kids right away, because she brought them to the softball games.

I never would have gotten involved with her, as I remember now, if I didn't feel comfortable with the kids. If her kids were brats, well, that was that. I would have been out of there. If we didn't like each other, same decision.

The kids were great. And remain that way today. I had no problems with them that amounted to anything. OUR problem was that my Ex wanted to control everything (kid wise) and I wanted to be involved. We didn't know how to compromise. We didn't know how to work together.

In retrospect I think it would have worked out better if I just dated her, lived separately. But that's not what I was looking for...


Zachsmom
Member

07-13-2000

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 9:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Zachsmom a private message Print Post    
are you still involved with those 3 children?

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Friday, May 12, 2006 - 10:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
One thing I dont understand is, If you spend a significant amount of time with someone and somehow/some reason it dosent work out, why does that mean you cant remain close to the children. I lived with one man who had 2 boys, both a couple yrs older than my daughter. I cooked/cleaned/drove them to school/class partys/made treats,birthday cakes,planned trips togeather...Im still very close to One of them, One died recently, but they used to call me thier 2nd mom and when the one past away- I felt like I had lost my own. I was right there to sopport the family. Ive been with other men who im still no longer with but im still very close to thier kids, I allways will be. They are like family to my daughter/ they share memorys and good ones. I must be from a differant boomer era,because I remember the men being as involved in the children as the moms. Im sorta an x hippie/mountain mamma...It was all about every one helping each other and our children were number one, most of these kids are in thier late 20s and older now, all seem well rounded and have goals and Im proud to have been in thier lives.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 5:03 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
Chewpito, I guess I am thinking like you. I thought single parents dating would involve their children in a relationship early on. I read here that those who arn't are doing it because they want to keep the children safe but children are curious and want to know what is going on. Since we know children feel they are at fault in divorce situations why wouldn't they feel sad when they find out mom was going out and they weren't included? Wouldn't they think they weren't wanted?

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 5:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
is the glass half full or half empty? doesn't matter to me because i'm going to drink whatever is left in it anyway and ask for more! that's the way i approach everything in life.

Dogdoc
Member

09-29-2001

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 5:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Dogdoc a private message Print Post    
I always though the half empty glass was the good one. !/2 full is 1/2 full. 1/2 empty is 1/2 drunk. (you know what I mean).

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 6:03 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
ZMom, again, I'm a Baby Boomer. 3 adult kids, living in 3 different states to my Colorado. The oldest calls. The other son screens my calls. The daughter is aligned with her Mother, but we stay in touch infrequently thru emails, mostly. Not close to any of them, honestly, although remember I met them when they were 8, 10, & 12.

Dogdoc, I lean to you and Chewpito on the kids issue. Hard to express in a short post like this.

Emotions run things. Kids are smart. Like my daughter. She realizes that if she becomes involved with me, and her Mother finds out, holy hell will be raised! A casualty of divorce.

Maybe a reason single Moms don't want to get involved with a man again, is so they can run the whole show? Feel like a martyr? Have total control? It's not easy sharing control, compromising??



Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 6:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texannie a private message Print Post    
forgot my own life. My Ex was a single Mom, with 3 kids in tow, when I met her! How could I forget that?!

We hit it off when we first met. I met her kids right away, because she brought them to the softball games.


Newman, your ex wife did what these ladies are saying they do! you met the kids casually first at softball games. Did the kids come on your dates?

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 6:45 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Like we have said before, a relationship is not always all about you. Sometimes my reactions to a man are about him, sometimes they are all about me and sometimes they can even be about neither of us, but something else going on around us. I think the ability to realize that and work through it signifies maturity. It requires listening and thoughtfulness. I would be cautious of becoming involved with someone who didn't even consider that possibility. Life is difficult enough without having to try to live with someone who can't conceive of a world that is not about them!

But as others have said, there are also people around for whom relationships are one-dimensional and who can't conceive of a world that isn't all about them. You-me, nothing or noone else important in comparison. They wrap themselves up in each other and their relationship defines the rest of the world. I have friends like that and while I can't understand it, they appear happy that way. One reason there are so many of us around....we all need something different and see the world through different eyes.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 7:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Newman, you might find this interesting. Some time ago when I was teaching date rape education, (to college kids, male and female) I repeated an experiment I had heard about elsewhere. I had everyone take out a piece of paper and write about what they did every day to stay safe. The guys looked a bit puzzled and struggled to write down a sentence or two. The women wrote. And wrote. And wrote.

The truth is, it IS a more dangerous world for women. It is WISE for us to be more cautious.

Native_texan
Member

08-24-2004

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 8:07 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Native_texan a private message Print Post    
Maybe a reason single Moms don't want to get involved with a man again, is so they can run the whole show?

After the marriage I just got out of, you're damn right!

Feel like a martyr?

I put my child first. A martyr doesn't.

Have total control?

Total control is an illusion. Noone has ever had it and noone ever will.

It's not easy sharing control, compromising??

Since he is my son, there will be no sharing of control. As for compromise, it depends on the situation and how it will affect my son.

I am all my son has and that is a very scary thing. Yes, I have family and friends who help but ultimately his welfare is my responsibility. My son's dad is selfish, a pathological liar, narcisistic(sp?), plays dad when it's convenient for him, thinks that anyone who doesn't follow his thinking on any issue is an idiot and the list could go on and on. He sees his son when it's convenient for him and he calls maybe once a week. He put me and our son through 8 months of hell in a custody battle and, literally, the moment I agreed to waive child support, he gave up. He is responsible for half of the medical expenses which are about $300 a month. I may get $50-$75 a month. Even when we were married, he would not lift a hand to help with our son's doctor appointments, meetings at school, homework (except to give him the answers to get it over with), and that list goes on and on also. Everyone who knows the ex knows that he is not going to do anything that someone else will. Hell, when my son was in a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks, the ex went to see him twice - once when I guilted him into it and once because it was mandatory for release. And I won't even going into the physical abuse. My greatest fear is that I could die before my son is grown which would leave him alone with his dad.

One think I do know for sure. Noone will make me feel bad for putting my child first or choosing to live as I see fit. Right now, the way I see it, my son will grow up and leave home all to soon (and sometimes not soon enough). I owe it to him as his mom to give him the best that I have. If someone comes along before then that's worthy of being included in our lives, we'll see. But I'm not going out looking.

I know it's hard for some men to understand why a woman might prefer to go it along because, as a general rule, men do not do so well on their own. They need to have someone. I also think that some men take it as a blow to their ego when women don't need them.

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 8:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Powerful post NT!

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 9:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
NT, I hope it won't offend you if I say that, based on your description, your son's dad sounds like an appalling individual. Also, you don't seem to be alone in this as others have described their ex in similar terms.

The thing that would scare me the most if I were looking for a partner, is how you were all fooled so badly or simply completely missed seeing these awful characteristics before you got married as well as during your marriage before you had children. Either that or the person underwent a dramatic change in personality some time into the marriage after you already had your kids?

Given that experience, it is no wonder that you want to be cautious now.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 9:07 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    

quote:

Maybe a reason single Moms don't want to get involved with a man again, is so they can run the whole show? Feel like a martyr? Have total control? It's not easy sharing control, compromising??




Newman I don't think you're really hearing what's being said here. You're reading and listening but not hearing it.

Chewpito
Member

01-04-2004

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 9:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Chewpito a private message Print Post    
I hardly ever drink- but right now I would love to share a Half Glass of any thing with Dogdoc...LOL.. I totaly understand what you are saying NT..You have alot to consider with inviting any one into your life and it may just be better for you to not have extra stress.. I never said relationships were easy/ they are work. Like I said earlyer, I never dated much-hmmm...allways did group stuff, went to outdoor concerts/carnivals/parks/...maybe me and dad were bonding while I watched him make a skewer out of a wirehanger and set the kids up with hotdogs to roast, or maybe help get the bandades when someone tripped and fell...sneaking a hug and a kiss with dad and listening to the kiddo's giggle and sing "2 little luv birds sitten in a tree"...and then scurrying off to hide... (smiling here). Karuna, I like your test that you talked of. I agree, it is a scary world we live in. Woman need to be careful. I think all people need to be aware of the world we live in. Keeping someone in the dark till they reach a certain age then setting them loose...I worry for them. Every one needs the tools "hardknocks and all" to grow and learn. We dont live in a padded world.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 9:42 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I also think folks are misunderstanding the not telling kids about dating someone right away. Is there really any point in telling your five year old about those men you date one, two or three times?

The question here is really when do you tell? And at what age are children better able to handle that information? And how do you determine what is best for your particular child?

For my son, every time I dated someone new, he went through some anxiety. He is very afraid of losing me to someone else (when his dad remarried, DS lost a lot of attention to his father, so that is what he is afraid will happen if I get involved with someone).

So, I personally don't see the point in letting him know every time I go out. It would just make him worry, and that seems awfully cruel to me. He's at his father's for a week at a time. That's plenty of time for me to see someone, and not interfere with my son's life.

Of course, the ideal is to meet someone whom I fall in love with, and whom my son will also be able to bond with. But these things are complicated. And if it's REAL love, you can take all the time you need. It's only neediness that pushes people to go too fast (IMO).

Children of divorce have *already* suffered a horrible trauma. They *already* know how difficult life is. They are hardly sheltered. We're just being considerate and thoughtful parents.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 10:01 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Just want to add a quick comment...

I'm not sure most baby boomers experienced being a child of divorced parents. An adult of divorced parents, yes, but a child, probably not.

No-fault divorce laws didn't become legal until the 70's. It took a generation to see what effects the new laws would have on children.

Well, now we see many kids coming from broken homes. Divorce, to some people, is a way to end a date.

Now, those of us with young kids, who are single, want to protect our kids. The psychology is out there that shows kids are very effected by divorce in a negative way.