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Archive through March 15, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through March 15, 2006 users admin

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Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 11:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I need to say that it's really hard on a child knowing who their dad is...but feeling rejected by him.

ArReal's dad was in our lives until she was 6 months old. (We weren't married) At this point he claimed she wasn't even his in a court. Blood tests were never required. So we got papers saying he wasn't her father. Legally she had no father. (I decided to agree to this because there was no way I was going to let him and his family have access to her without me being around.) For the next five years he was in and out of her life a few times a year. I wanted her to know who her dad was. I didn't want her to resent me for not telling her. I figured when she got old enough she could make her own decisions about whether or not she wanted him in her life.

It was heartbreaking to hear her cry about missing her dad. To hear her questioning why he didn't love her. To hear her express "if dad can't love me, who will".

Even when ArReal was a teen I made efforts to keep them in contact. They would write for a month and then dad would just stop. He'ld call once and promise to stay in touch...promises broken. Broken hearts.

For ArReal's HS graduation I arranged for her dad and his brother to come for her celebration. He was here for three days. She was thrilled to see him...said it was the best gift ever because she really wanted her dad to be proud of her. He called her once after that.

Looking at how her dad hurt her, I don't know if I did the right thing. I truly believed a child should know their father...but wow. Some dads aren't worth knowing.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 11:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
The medical stuff really doesn't concern me. While family history plays a part, lots of kids (including me and I grew up with my parents) don't know much and my doc and I seem to work it out just fine.

Lots of adopted kids don't know family medical history either. To me, it's just not as important as emotional well being.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 11:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Exactly Kar...the emotional mess that her dad left her in, I don't know if it was worth it, in hindsight.

I probably added to it by trying so hard to keep him in her life. Sigh.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 11:22 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Again I wouldn't want to know this information and I'm tellin yall now, Do Not Tell Me Anything. :-)

Jimmer
Moderator

08-30-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 11:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jimmer a private message Print Post    
Kearie, As I said above, it's just so easy to second guess. All you can do is make the best decisions you can at the time. I admire you for trying.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 11:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Thanks Jimmer.

I know when it comes to parenting we will all make mistakes. But more so, I believe we do our best at the time.

Jeep
Member

10-17-2001

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 12:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jeep a private message Print Post    
Mocha, put fingers in your ears, so you don't hear this! LOL

I don't believe there is any set answer for this situation. Springer and her husband did what they thought was right at the time and so did Kearie. I commend them for making a tough decision and then sticking to their guns.

I have a situation that is a bit similar. When my father died in 1999, I found out by accident that I have a half-brother. I was 44 years old and never knew it and to this day, I don't know if my "whole-brother" knows. It was just a few words from my mother. He's quite a bit older than me and apparently happened before mom and dad were married. He was adopted by dad's brother and raised as their son and my cousin. I have no clue who the mother is or why she didn't keep him. Back in those days, this would have been the town scandal.

Would it have been better if I had known about it? I don't think so. I had a great family. The half-brother had a great family with my aunt and uncle. He didn't want for anything. He lives out of town now. To this day, no one in the family has openly discussed it with me or even asked if I knew about it. I would just rather not kick a sleeping dog. At this age, I have no desire to change the situation. Is that cold? Maybe. I don't hold any anger towards those who didn't tell me. I'm sure they all felt it was the right thing to do at the time.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 12:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
I can still read it though Jeep! Lol! Wow Jeep. I do think it's great that you don't feel affected though. But if it was me I would've been ticked because of what I said above but again that's just me and we're all different. I'm not saying anyone is/was wrong in their decisions also. You do what you feel is best and that's all that matters.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Kearie, you tried to do the right thing. And while it may have caused additional angst going through it, that's what your daughter will eventually see.

Mocha, I promise not to tell you about any children that may be yours that you may not already know about.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Thx Kar lol.

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
hey, glad I could help! LOL

Seamonkey
Moderator

09-07-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Seamonkey a private message Print Post    
I'm not faulting Springer, Kearie or any decision maker because these are really difficult decisions. But I still think it is probably best to have some honestly rather than have a father and son later discover that they are not biologically related .. donor issues DO come up more and more but sometimes even just blood typing proves that two people are not related.

I also think most people would fall on the Mocha side of wanting to know if they had any more siblings out there, too.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
It's hard to say what is best because every child is different and will react differently.

With my daughter, I think it might have been better not to know. Children's little egos are so fragile and they blame everything on themselves.

The sibling part...I think it would have been easier on her emotional well being for her not to know. If later in life she found out she had siblings...she would be angry, but it wouldn't effect her ego as much.

Just my experience and hindsight with my daughter.
(For the record, she is an only child on both sides. Her dad really is missing out.)

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
i was hesitant to post here with this subject, and have debated it for hours. but as a 43 year old baby boomer, and one of the "children" of your recent subject, i felt you needed my voice.

i was born in 1962. my mother was unmarried. my birth father (and even his mother) recognized my birth, his name is on my birth certificate, and both came to the hospital as visitors and gave gifts (per my baby book).

in 1965, something happened between my mother and father which came to them going to court and him relinquishing his parental rights. i only have parts of the story, as she refused to talk about it and most of what i learned was almost 30 years after the fact and after my mother's death.

What i know: he wanted to marry. and it wasn't my mother. he relinquised his parental rights. my mother wanted nothing to do with him, including child support.

in 1969, my mother married my dad (legally my step-father). i had no relationship with this man until after my mother's death, and learning of some of the things that i know now. she did not have my dad adopt me.

how i felt: i always felt that when things were bad, that my dad would come and "take me away". that when i was 18, he would "arrive" and be on my doorstep ready for a relationship. that i had a twin (watched the parent trap too many times).

when he didn't show up at 18 or 21, for many years i was crushed. after my mother's death i tried a couple of ways to find him. but have never gotten the nerve to do anything other than internet searchs. i've had addresses, phone numbers now, but can't breakt through the barrier to ask the questions.

why you may ask? well, he hasn't tried to find me, so why should i try to find him? obviously i'm not a priority. my "dad" is my parent now. although i have no blood relatives now, except for my father, i have wondered about sisters and brothers. would they love me unconditionally? or hate me with a passion? were they told? or not?

sometimes it is just best to let sleeping dogs lie. and that's where life goes on.

oh-bli-di
oh-bli-dah


Roxip
Member

01-29-2004

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Roxip a private message Print Post    
Kearie, I have a similar situation, although so far my daughter's dad has pretty much stayed in her life albeit sporadically. I have had some of the same issues (although he has never denied paternity). As long as he is good to her I have encouraged his participation in her life. He sees her maybe once a month - sometimes more but usually less. When she was younger it was less often and after an extended absence one time I told him to either get in or get out of her life and he has done what I guess for him is the best he can do. I can't imagine why he can't see that he is ignoring the absolute best thing that he has ever done. He sure isn't worthy of being her father because she is so special (but of course I'm not prejudiced).

By the way, my daughter is an only child on both sides too.

I have never done any legal paperwork because here in Texas the way paternity is established he would have to go to court to exercise any of his paternal rights, should I so choose to deny him any. Although he is listed on the birth certificate that has no legal standing in our state...he would have to go through the blood tests, etc. I like having that secret bit of information in case he ever goes off the deep end or for some reason decides he wants her with him on a more permanent basis.

I too have gone out of my way to make sure that we all have a great relationship, although I truly despite the way he takes her for granted. I make sure that she knows that he is who he is and the way he is because of what has happened to him -- and that it has nothing to do with her. I worry so about how this is going to affect her down the road.

Roxip
Member

01-29-2004

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 1:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Roxip a private message Print Post    
Regarding the friend who had a one-night stand with a co-worker and had a child from that union - that is entirely her story to tell to her child and nobody else should have been involved. If she is a loving mother when the time came she would probably tell the truth to her son..and let him do what he would with the information.

It certainly wasn't the other people's business to interfere, IMO.

Max
Moderator

08-12-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 2:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Max a private message Print Post    
I'm an adoptee. When I was 22, I found my birth mother's side of the family. She had died about a year before that. I already knew I had a half-brother who is two years older than me (my adoptive parents knew that and told me). I found out I also have two half-sisters who are younger than me.

I met my birth mother's sister (my aunt) and her family, along with her father (who was very old and very much suffering from alcohol-related dementia).

No one remembered my birth father's name, so I have no information about him other than vague recollections which may or may not be accurate.

My aunt told me that she had asked my half-siblings if they knew anything about me. They didn't. Nor did they care to. At least that's the story I got and I never felt the need to pursue it further.

I do not feel less complete because I don't know them. I do wish I knew something about my birth father, but more because he's supposedly a Cherokee and I'm curious about that than anything else.

My parents are the people who raised me. Period. However, I do remember having fantasies when I was a kid about why my "real" parents left me. Mostly centered on them dying tragically.

Landi, You said your dad hasn't tried to find you. There's really no way of knowing that. He might have the same kind of info you do and be afraid to use it. Same goes for me with my half-siblings all these years later. For all I know, they could be looking for me (somehow, I doubt it, though!). :-)

Jan
Moderator

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 2:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jan a private message Print Post    
Landi - my brother-in-law gave up his parental rights to his daughter when she was under 5 (this is probably 30 yrs ago) because the Mom insisted that she was remarrying, the new man wanted to adopt and that if he truly loved the child, he would do it for her so she could have a stable home.

He did it and soon after moved far away and totally lost track of her. I have no idea if he ever gave the child a second thought as he never talked about it with me ( although I know my sister was aware). He was, however, a great stepdad to my sister's two kids.

This year his daughter tracked him down and made contact for health reasons. It turns out she had a terrible life - the mother never did marry the man etc etc.

But still she did not blame her father - instead she has made contact and is forming a relationship with him and my sister. My sister is very open to this as we too have a sister adopted out before we were born with whom we are now in contact.

So my advice, for whatever it is worth, is to take the plunge. Forget the "why " and the "who is to blame" and just look forward. Maybe you and your Dad and any new siblings will end up having a great relationship and what a gift that will be. I know my two sisters and I were thrilled when my long lost sister made contact.

On the other hand, if there is no great relationship , well you are no worse off and still have your great stepdad.

I realize it is a really hard step to take. If you do take it, I hope it turns out wonderfully well for you.

Tabbyking
Member

03-11-2002

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 2:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tabbyking a private message Print Post    
my son did not 'need' to know about his bio dad since we left bio dad when ds was only 7 months old. the state of massachusetts even reissued my ds's birth certificate with the same number on it when my husband adopted my ds when ds was three, only it listed my husband as the father. i have two identical birth certificates for ds, with one saying bio dad on it and the newer one listing my dh as the father.
anyway, ds would not have had to know unless we decided down the road to tell him, but we wanted to keep in touch with bio grandpa and bio great-grandma (a lot of the other bio's suck...) so son has known from the start that 'daddy' did not come on the picture until he was nearly a year old.
anyway, the bio ones we cared about cared back and always sent ds and his new sister presents and cards and little checks. ds went to boston when he was 13 to meet his bio family (although bio dad made up an excuse to be in tokyo or something, even with 5 months' notice!) and ds went again the next year.
two years ago, my dd, who is no relation to ds's bio dad's family, went to visit them and she calls them her cousins and grandparents, too. she is going again at the end of may, right after her hs graduation.
and bio dad, although not totally dependable, has committed to helping pay for son's college expenses. and we even get money sometimes :-)
bio dad lives in a home he paid 2.65 million dollars for last august...every once in a while, he will send 2 or 3 thousand dollars to help with son's expenses. we can't count on it, but it sure is nice when something arrives.
when ds mentions his bio dad it's by his first name. he calls my dh 'dad' and has his last name.

my mom found out about 10 years ago that she has an older half-sister. her father (who was single at the time) and his best friend used to own a store-gas station-restaurant type place in twain harte california. my grandpa had an affair with his partner/friend's wife and she got pregnant. one night, my grandpa took exactly half the money out of the register and left. supposedly, the baby was a girl and named ruth. no one knows if her father ever found out he wasn't the bio father. my mom found out from other relatives after her father passed away about this baby, because some of them passed through the town a year or so after my grandpa left to see if there was a baby around. my mom has tried to find the lady, who would be close to 80 if she were still alive, but has lost the trail. the old place burned down years ago and my mom only had the last name of the partner. ruth would probably have married so the last name would be different and it's very possible she is not still living.

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 2:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
i posted not to give you guys reason to give me advice, but to post that not every child needs to know or wants to know. the information isn't always important.

i'd have been better off knowing it was just "sperm", than having a name to a person. and until my dad passes away that's how things will be left.

oh-bli-di
oh-bli-dah
life goes on


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 3:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
My own family(grandfather and great aunt) has one of those long lost siblings that no one ever knew about till years and years later.

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 5:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
btw, i had a lovely chat with my dad this afternoon. he turned 73 yesterday. i'm so grateful that we have a wonderful relationship now. when i was growing up i thought he was a hateful, mean, unloving person. he had a heart attack a couple of years before my mother passed away in 97 and i was actually glad. can you believe that?

after my mom passed. i found that she just didn't want us to be friendly with one another for things that had happened to her in her life.

1969-1997: i called him by his first name: Frank

1997-now: i call him dad. he is my dad. and i learned that he's been there for me even if i didn't know it. i wish everyone could have a dad like he's been to me. wish he could have been my father too.


Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 5:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
That's awesome Landi.

My daughter just called and I asked her about her dad. She said she would have been fine not knowing him. Her step-dad....between the ages of 5 an 12 is who she feels hurt by. She said her dad never promised her anything...her step dad promised to always be there for her...even after the divorce.

I guess there is no right answer on what to do for the child. As parents we do our best for our kids and hope it's the right thing. I believed I was doing the right thing and it turns out...it didn't really matter to her in hindsight.

Oh well, she's secure in the fact she's the apple of my eye and my family's eye.

Her dad and step-dad are missing out.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 7:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Mocha a private message Print Post    
Yep they are. But there is karma.

Yesitsme
Member

08-24-2004

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 - 7:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Yesitsme a private message Print Post    
Isn't it interesting how people get where they are? You guys have brought tears to my eyes, mostly because it reminded me that sometimes in spite of the fathers or mothers, precious people were given to us all. I, for one, am grateful for that perfect combination of sperm and egg! I hope you and your children know what great gifts you are to this world. And you know, whatever we have all gone through in this life, good or bad, shapes who we are. Some things we can't control (and as a general rule we can seldom control other people), but we can control whether it ultimately becomes a positive or negative in our lives.

I say dads and moms are the ones that love you and raise you. And if you don't luck out with a good one, I think you should find your own. No one should have to go without. I know as an adult I was very fortunate with mine (who are also my bio parents!)....but I do remember those tumultuous teenaged years when I dreamed I was adopted and my "real" perfect parents would take me away from my "fake" life. Yeah....I read too many books. And I was a slightly melodramatic teenager.