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Archive through April 26, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussion ARCHIVES: 2006 Mar. ~ 2006 May: Baby Boomers, Living Alone, Changing Habits (ARCHIVES): Archive through April 26, 2006 users admin

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Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 3:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I have ultimate hope for people. If I can learn/change, so can anyone.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 3:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
That is an interesting thought thou Kar.

What is the appropriate way to respond to rude, intrusive question?

And where is the line drawn between okay questions and rude questions. I know it's a shade of grey. But nosey is nosey isn't it?

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 3:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Just a youthful, idealistic view Kar.

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 3:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
i don't know which is worse, someone who just out right asks the rude question or the person who prefaces it with 'i know it's none of my business but . . . ' me, being the smarty pants that i am always agree with the second person and don't answer the question. hehe

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 3:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Yer so cool CND! Wish I had that ability, to think quickly to rude questions and respond.

Yer da bomb...teach me!

Cndeariso
Member

06-28-2004

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 3:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Cndeariso a private message Print Post    
well, it's like this, i have worked for the government for 20 or so years so i've learned how to spin rhetoric and smile while doing so.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 3:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texannie a private message Print Post    
Appropriate response to a rude question..
with big smile on face "why do you ask?"
person says something like i was just curious or something like that
you reply somewhat befuddled 'really??'

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I guess if you responded with "why do you ask?" you could determine their motive for asking.

The Reader's Digest example...unless you're a close friend, it's really no one's business to ask about fertility. Some people ask to just be nosey, to form opinions and theories about you. They ask to judge and analyze you to spread gossip and speculation.

To these people...shut them down with...it's none of your business.

I think others might ask because they are interested in educating themselves on help getting pregnant or they know someone who has fertility problems. I don't think it would be as nosey or intrusive.

That's where the "Why" is important.

Asking personal questions to form judgments is just another name for gossip!

Asking questions for a purpose of learning is another thing.

It's all about the motive, maybe?

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Texannie gave one of my responses--deflect a question that takes you by surprise with a question - the easiest one is "why do you ask?" The idea is to make the person SELF-reflective. Typically you'll get one of two responses -- like the oh, you don't have to answer response to which I simply say "Okay" and smile intently at them. I like to just be quiet and continue smiling at them and let them be uncomfortable for the moment.

Or, they'll say something like "Oh, I"m just curious" etc. To which I say, "you know, I"m curious about lots of things too. But generally not to the point where I wouldn't consider someone else's feelings before I ask them something; or to the point where I would disrespect someone else's right to privacy."

Intent is a tough thing to judge, but you generally know if someone is truly caring and interested, or looking for gossip, or just clueless to social norms. Each really earns a different response.

The most important thing for me to remember is that if *I* am uncomfortable with someone's question, rude or not, that's MY issue. It shows there is something in me that I have not reconciled. That's why it's helpful to breathe and ask a question, so you can re-center yourself and choose how to respond, rather than just react.

You know, just like us, most people have issues. And issues drive people to insensitive behavior. While we may not be guilty of that insensitive behavior, we usually have our own. So I try not to be too judgmental. I want to be just as forgiving to others' insensitivity because of their woundedness, as I want people to be toward mine. That doesn't mean I answer a rude question when I don't want to. It means that my answer is kind, even if they are rude. So I can also kindly say "ya know, I'm not comfortable answering that." And then I deflect "how about another cup of coffee?" etc.

Our tendency is to get mad at folks for their insensitivity. But who does that hurt? Really? Not them....

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
I don't know if I get "mad" at people for their insensitivity...I get mad because many of them don't have a clue that they are insensitive.

Like we were talking about in my folder, my db is very insensitive and often asks and says rude things. He truly annoys many people and yet he has no clue why people find him that way. It effects his social life.

Isn't there a point when it's more beneficial to tell someone they are perceived as rude and insensitive then to let them go on ignorantly having no clue why their social life sucks?

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:36 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
I"m not sure "mad" is appropriate when someone "doesn't have a clue". I can understand the frustration tho! But I like to reserve mad for intentional mean behavior.

I don't get mad at my kiddo when he doesn't know how to do something, or why something is important. Or my pets. So I don't get mad at adults if they don't know something either. That's just how I see it.

But I always think honesty, done in kindness and without an agenda, is best. It may or may not work, but certainly nothing will change if you don't have a go at it.

The challenge is that people have to *want* to change to hear what you have to say. If your db is truly unhappy enough and therefore motivated to change, it would be more beneficial.

But no, I would never say "you are rude and insensitive". That may be some people's style, and it can be effective, but it's a very painful route. I would prefer to just wait until he asks me something rude, and then say gently "why do you do that"? and start the conversation there. Have you noticed that people react badly when you ask questions like that? Do you care?

Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he's happy with the way he is, or not unhappy enough to change.

Usually when people do this kind of behavior, they have a social skills impairment - they are unable to read responses in people's body language and responses that show how uncomfortable they are. I'd ask that question. Have you ever noticed that when you do that, people stiffen? That they are often quiet all of a sudden? That they stammer or get mad? Do you know what all that means?

We have some teens we work with who are like that. They simply have not learned to read people, they're completely self-referential (that's the technical term ) and they don't even *see* other people's reactions to them at all, so they don't have that information to modify their own behavior.

If it's not intentional, it's not rude. It's a lack of a certain skill set, and it can be learned. If someone wants to.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Thanks Kar... excellent response.

I think I may try that question..."Why do you do that." I truly think my brother is clueless because he is so. The one time it was pointed out that he was really rude, (he made insensitive comments about dying after a friends husband died ... a few months after the funeral, to her) he was mortified for hurting her with his words ... but was truly clueless.

I think you're correct in that social skills are lacking on his part.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Hey...who dumped all those posts into the archives?




Merrysea
Member

08-13-2004

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Merrysea a private message Print Post    
I'd like to turn this discussion around just a bit. I have the opposite problem. In trying not to be too nosy, I don't ask enough questions of people, and I think that can come across as uncaring. It's always awkward after I've known someone for a while and realize that they expect me to know something about them that I don't, because I never asked. Or I can be in a group where it seems as if everyone else knows something that I should, and I'm too embarrassed or timid to ask about it. Where's the line between being nosy and being interested?

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 4:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Texannie a private message Print Post    
I think the line is sincerity. If you are truly sincerely interested in someone, I don't think you come across as prying or nosey when you ask questions.

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 5:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Landi a private message Print Post    
merry, you and i are friends on the board and off. do you have something you need to ask me?? LOL!

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 5:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Kar...

any suggestions on how to respond to my brother when he gets on one of his annoying questioning streaks... for example...(I stole the example from someone else...but it's perfect for my bro)

One conversation we had in the car,
He says "look, there is letter missing from that sign".
I say "Yeah".
He says "How long has it been missing."
I say "I don't know."
He says "You drive by here every day didn't you notice it?"
I say "no."
He says "How could you not notice it."
And on and on the questions go?

These conversations with him drive everyone bonkers too. It's honestly to the point my step dad doesn't like taking my bro fishing because of the endless questions.

What do you do???


Merry, I'm like you. Unless I know someone very well I don't ask many questions. I really have a hard time forming personal relationships because I'm so insecure. I'm afraid of being judged every time I open my mouth. So I don't. Not healthy of me but it's me and my fears that keep me from asking more questions. I'd like to change that.

Baby
Member

01-08-2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 5:31 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Baby a private message Print Post    
Well, I love you just the way you are, Kearie! I think you and I have great conversations..lots of laughing and more serious stuff thrown in there, too! We are different in some ways but alike in many. You honestly don't come off insecure to me. I feel like we have always clicked with each other! There is a definite bond between us and you sure don't need to change in my book! You are truly great just the way you are!!!

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 5:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
Kearie, in that instance, again, i would turn it around to make him self-reflective. I might say, 'well, it was just not very important to me. I'm not that interested if a letter is missing from a sign.' Then if he expresses credulity that you couldn't care less, say "Tell me why it's so interesting to you?" And maybe even "tell me why you think I should care about a missing letter. Because I really don't get it."

If you're feeling really bold, you could even say something like 'you know, I love you bro. In fact, it's amazing to me that you are so attentive to details. That's not the kind of detail I am interested in. And when you say things like "how could you not notice" you make it sound like you think I'm stupid or something. But I'm not stupid, and that's kind of hurtful to me when you talk that way. I'm just not at all concerned about missing letters in signs. We're different that way, and I think that's pretty kewl."

Note - I always try to throw a compliment in first and at closing if possible, and of course, an honest one. It makes people far more receptive to what you might say.

As for asking questions, the truth is, most people absolutely LOVE to talk about themselves. So ask away. Beware however, 'cause it can be a bit of a Pandora's box. As Kearie pointed out, we don't ask because of our own fears of how we will be perceived. But as Mother Teresa said, the greatest act of love is to listen. Asking questions and truly being interested in the answers is an act of love; and most folks will know that, IF you are sincerely interested in the answer. Being overly self-conscious is really tough, I've been there. But if you can learn to really focus on learning something about the other person instead of your own fear, it can help a great deal.

It's great that you care so much about him to want to help him. I sense that in part you want to help everyone he interacts with, and that's awfully nice of you too. Good luck!

Karuuna
Board Administrator

08-31-2000

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 5:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Karuuna a private message Print Post    
By the way, none of this is easy for me either. When I'm rested and pretty well centered, I can handle the above kind of conversation very well. When I'm tired, frustrated or stretched too thin, I'm just as likely to say "who the hell cares about a stupid missing letter in a sign. Get over it, will ya!"

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 6:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Thanks (((Baby)))

Thanks Kar. I need to learn better communication skills. I really do care ... I just think at some point I should say something rather than just quietly be annoyed.

Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 6:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
LOL Kar...thanks for being human!

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 9:38 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
I do tend to label people, Kearie. Is that wrong? I think we all do it. It's natural. People do tend to fit into certain categories. When you label someone it relaxes the brain, so you don't have to think so hard.

Regrets. I find it hard to believe when people say they have no regrets. Have I stumbled on to a psychological principal. Only open people have regrets? Closed people don't? Should I change my screen name to Dr. Freud?

Here's another thought. Are there truly any "closed" people on this board? If you are closed, then you would be too afraid to write about your thoughs and feelings. What if someone didn't agree with them? What if they judged you harshly? What if you're feelings got hurt? Therefore why take the risk?

I guess there are varying degrees of closedness.

I do think it's better to be open than closed. What's the point of guarding any "secrets" now, at this stage of life? What does it matter? It would be better (in my view) to write about your life, and try to understand it, before it is over...

I gotta lotta reading to catch up on...


Kearie
Member

07-21-2005

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 - 10:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kearie a private message Print Post    
Dr. Freud was a sick, twisted man in many respects.

Newman
Member

09-25-2004

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 - 6:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Newman a private message Print Post    
And yet he lives on. Probably did some good. Was intelligent. Did some good. Tried. Probably added more to life than we did.

Going back to open vs. closed. I'm having a great email relationship with my fraternal twin right now. He's a closed person. I find that fascinating. We grew up the same way. Same parents. Same environment.

Getting him to open up has been fun for me.