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Zachsmom
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, February 18, 2005 - 7:45 pm
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning! as I reached for my wallet..... What could I do???? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his BUTT and grabbed the eighty bucks.
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Zachsmom
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, February 18, 2005 - 7:48 pm
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Saturday, February 19, 2005 - 5:02 am

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Mizinvanccouver
Member
02-22-2003
| Wednesday, March 02, 2005 - 10:08 am
They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off. Let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours ." Now, have a good day!!!
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 12:21 pm
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
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Skootz
Member
07-23-2003
| Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 7:18 am
TOP 10 LEPRECHAUN COMPLAINTS They find a certain cereal to be neither magical or delicious. Even with the seat down, they keep falling in the toilet. Santa's elves are always stealing their women. It's hard to hold your whiskey when you're built like a 4 year old. After you've heard 'Top o' the mornin' a few thousand times, a simple hello would do. Pots of gold aren't worth all that much after taxes. It's not easy to outrun a riding mower. Every time they wash their outfits, the entire load of laundry turns green. You try being whimsical all the time! And last but not least.... Let's just say they've got the smallest "shillelaghs" you've ever seen.
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Vee
Member
02-23-2004
| Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 8:17 pm
Dear Lord, So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't lost my temper, I haven't gossiped, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent, I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed. And from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen
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Babyruth
Member
07-19-2001
| Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 8:26 pm
LOL!
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Mak1
Member
08-12-2002
| Friday, March 18, 2005 - 5:58 am
Positive thought for the day... When you feel that nobody loves you, Nobody cares for you, And everyone is ignoring you, You should start asking yourself... Am I TOO sexy?
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Friday, March 18, 2005 - 11:05 am
Californians - So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California (which i am!) if: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal? 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal? 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to! avoid all the weather-related accidents. 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. 19. The Terminator is your governor. 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
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Sunrvrose
Member
08-13-2001
| Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 3:41 pm
That was great Landi, especialy love #20. Re: #'s 5, 8, 13 & 17, the answers are: #5, Yes #8, Not always #13, No #17, Sometimes Hope that cleared it up for you 
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Vee
Member
02-23-2004
| Monday, March 21, 2005 - 7:09 am
Ready for Kids?
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Tishala
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, March 23, 2005 - 10:56 pm
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke with a good old Camel cigarette, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke her Camel. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age. But very delicately the pharmacist asks Lady 1 what brand she prefers. The elderly Lady 1 replied "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel". It was reported that the pharmacist fainted.
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Wednesday, April 13, 2005 - 10:14 am
The Sunday NY Times had a great cartoon. The caption read "maybe we really dont want to know how the pope is chosen" The picture... popes on stage ... randy, paula and simon judging.
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Tabbyking
Member
03-11-2002
| Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 9:51 am
why do chicken coops only have 2 doors? because if they had four doors, they would be chicken sedans.
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Ophiliasgrandma
Member
09-04-2001
| Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 9:55 am
Booooooooo! Groooooooooan!
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 1:51 pm
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?" "I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says. The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze!" "Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks. "A circumcision." The first kid replies woefully. The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
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Denecee
Member
09-05-2002
| Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 2:32 pm
SS benefits > When I went to the social security office to apply for Social >Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license >to verify my age. > > I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at >home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left >my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." > > The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt >revealing my curly silver hair. She says, That silver hair on your chest >is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security >application. > > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the >social security office. > > She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten >disability too"
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Tabbyking
Member
03-11-2002
| Saturday, May 07, 2005 - 12:20 pm
a man decided to propose to his girlfriend but told her he had to admit to something first. "I am a golfaholic. i will get up 2 hours early for work to play 9 holes. i will never be on time for dinner because i will play golf after work. half the time i don't even eat lunch, but go hit a bucket of balls instead. so i just want you to know what you're getting into if you accept." the girls thinks to herself that she should come clean, too. she tells him, "i'm a hooker." the young man looks at her and says, "well, just adjust your grip."
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 2:44 pm
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say . "Thank you, I baked it myself."
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 2:46 pm
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother. Men will never learn.
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Vee
Member
02-23-2004
| Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 7:15 pm
Chain e-mails This might best belong in the rant thread. 
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 8:27 pm
KIDS TODAY THINK ON THEIR FEET TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ************* TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! ************* TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE: Me! ************* TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ************* TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ************* TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." ************* TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand." ************* TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I don't have to,. . .my Mom is a good cook. ************* TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog! ************* TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 8:40 pm
Subject: Classified ads Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites -------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog -------------------- FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog -------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free -------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile... better be reward. -------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. -------------------- NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once -------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 -------------------- FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 8:55 pm
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "The teeth."
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