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Valentine Lament

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Dec. ~ 2006 Feb.: Free Expression: Valentine Lament users admin

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Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 1:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
Love this guy's humour! :-)


VALENTINE LAMENT
By Jonathan P. Bernick



For men, St. Valentine's Day is the most stressful event of our lives
that does not involve the word "prostate." On this day we are required
to perform an act both aberrant and abnormal, a deed contrary to nature
and nurture; in other words, we are expected to be romantic.

Unfortunately for womankind, some men are simply incapable of living up
to this expectation. This is not due to malice or sloth; it is just a
biological fact, similar to the phenomenon that some men, while capable
of recalling Michael Jordan's freshman year post-season free-throw
average, cannot remember to put the toilet seat back down.

Accordingly, in the name of intergender amity, I have devised a simple
test to help women determine their men's romance quotients. If you are
a woman, and you're not sure whether your paramour's passion potential
is closer to Mel Gibson or Mel Brooks, give him this handy quiz to find
out:


1. It is acceptable for a married man to look at another woman only if
he can do so:

a) Without lust in his heart.
b) Without coveting her.
c) Without getting caught.

2. You meet a beautiful woman at a party. After hours of delightful
conversation the two of you return to your apartment and spend the night
making passionate love. As the dawn breaks you both awaken, and stare
into each other's eyes. Caressing your brow, she whispers "I love
you." What do you say to her?

a) "And I you, my darling."
b) "Who is this angel I see before me?"
c) "What was your name again?"

3. The affair between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky lasted a year and
a half and almost brought down a presidency. Would you say this
relationship was:

a) About love?
b) About sex?
c) About 16 months too long?

4. Who would be the ideal author for a book on marriage and commitment?

a) Larry King.
b) Wilt Chamberlain.
c) O. J. Simpson.

5. If your significant other was to get you something special for
Valentine's Day, it would be:

a) A bottle of fine cologne.
b) An item of naughty lingerie.
c) A restraining order.

6. Upon arriving home from work, you find on the refrigerator a note
from the love of your life. Reading it, you learn that she has left
you, cleaned out your joint bank account, and run off with a webzine
humor columnist. In light of this heartbreaking news, when will you
start dating again?

a) After the separation is finalized.
b) After my grief has abated.
c) After Matlock.

7. After a heady session of lovemaking, which of the following phrases
is your partner most likely to utter?

a) "Are you always this wonderful?"
b) "Are you going to call me?"
c) "Are you still here?"

8. It has often been said that "Everyone lies about sex." Would you say
that this statement was:

a) True.
b) False.
c) I'm sorry; I was busy getting a soothing foot massage from
Gwynneth Paltrow and I wasn't paying attention. What was the question?

9. Finish this sentence: The sexual act is of deep moral, social and
personal significance, and should only be performed:

a) Within one's marriage.
b) Within one's societal norms.
c) Within one's species.

10. The greatest romantic writer of all time is:

a) Emily Brontė.
b) Margaret Mitchell.
c) Larry Flynt.



SCORING:


If your man was willing to sit through this silly quiz because you asked
him to, he's a keeper. Be thankful that he cares about your wishes, and
have a Happy Valentine's Day!

Twiggyish
Member

08-14-2000

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 1:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Twiggyish a private message Print Post    
I think most of this applies to single men. There should be one for married men, too..LOL

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 1:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
You know what I'd find completely romantic right about now? After doing housework and taking care of a sick kid all day for hubby to walk in and say, "Ya know, honey, you've had a rough day, why don't we order take out?" What can I say, I'm easy to please!

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 3:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
Hell, completely romantic right about now would be just for a man to walk through my door...

wearing shades so y'all don't know who's posting.

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Monday, February 06, 2006 - 4:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
It was written 10 years ago, Twig.

Sounds good to me too, War! :-)

LMAO @ Lara...your secret is safe with us, sweetie.

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 5:26 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Speaking of Valentines .... this is my very first Valentines with my DB & I have no idea what to get him. Any idea's on what to get a great guy for Valentines day??

Jeep
Member

10-17-2001

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 5:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jeep a private message Print Post    
LOL, Laralyn! I'm with you!

PS the shades gave you away

Vacanick, buy yourself a very sexy, silky ruby red or black nightie

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 8:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Oooohh Jeep ... I like the way you think!!

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 11:45 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
I once bought black silk pj's, put an iron on heart on the shirt...where a pocket was, and put an iron on heart on the butt part of the pj's. gave him the bottoms, kept the top....

Jagger
Member

08-07-2002

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 1:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jagger a private message Print Post    
I really don't think most guys care what they get, I think it is more how their lady friend treats them after he gives her his gift.

Costacat
Member

07-15-2000

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 3:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Costacat a private message Print Post    
Men don't care what they get, as long as they get IT! <wink wink nudge nudge> <snicker smirk>

Vacanick, are you living with DB? If not... then...

Buy yourself a truly sexy teddy. Buy a bottle of nice champagne and some lovely strawberries. Get a lovely scented candle or two or three. Buy a CD or load your iPod with "mood music." Get some snacks if you want (you know, the kind that you can feed each other, picnic fashion, on the bed). If you're into massages, buy some nice massage oil. Or other "toys." Throw all of this but the teddy into a tote bag.

Put on the teddy. Put an overcoat over the teddy. Drive to DB's house. Ring doorbell. When DB answers the door, hand him the tote bag. Then open your overcoat.

(Hint: A teddy with garter belt, lace top stockings, and high heels pretty much guarantees he'll never forget that night!)

Not that I would EVER know ANYTHING about this kinda thing!!! <wink>

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 6:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vacanick a private message Print Post    
Oh my Costa ... that's quite a picture you draw with your words. Are you sure you haven't done something like this before???

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 8:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wargod a private message Print Post    
Two Valentine's Days ago I bought Darren the best gift ever. Before I say what it is, let me explain first, lol. Darren works long hours, usually 10 a day plus 8 on Saturdays, he plays poker once a month with his buddies, doesn't hang out at bars or run off too often, other than a couple weekends fishing, usually with my bil or his mother and step father. He's a homebody, plays with the kids, spends time with me and yet I know he needs to get out with friends.

So with that in mind I set off with an idea and came home with my gift, even more excitin that I'd found marked way down. It took two rolls of wrapping paper and me hiding this gift in the closet for weeks , barely able to contain my excitement over the most awesome gift ever, lol.

The weekend before (or maybe it was after) when we celebrated I pulled out this tall, skinny box and he was absolutely shocked and surprised to unwrap....hehehe, a set of golf clubs!

Those clubs really have been the best gift ever, lol. I bought them thinking it was a way to encourage him to go out and have some fun alone, relax after work, spend more time with his buddies and that's what hes done. When he works that much and spends as much time doing family stuff as he does he needs something to have fun alone sometimes. During the summer they go out a few times a month to play at the course, he keeps the clubs in his car and hits the driving range after work for an hour or so, and whenever they have a holiday at work (not the big ones) they plan an early Monday morning game. When he's stressed or frustrated from work I send him out to hit some balls, it's great, lol!

Ok, maybe it's not totally romantic, but it's one gift he's truly loved and one I've enjoyed as well since it's nice to see him get out and have some alone time with his buddies and relax a little.

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 8:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
Wargod...that is so sweet! :-)