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Archive through January 21, 2006

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Dec. ~ 2006 Feb.: Free Expression: JOKES (ARCHIVES): Archive through January 21, 2006 users admin

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Tabbyking
Member

03-11-2002

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 - 3:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tabbyking a private message Print Post    
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rectum of the cadaver, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the rectum of the cadaver and then sucking on the finger.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger".


Nickovtyme
Member

07-29-2004

Tuesday, June 07, 2005 - 2:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nickovtyme a private message Print Post    
here's some blonde jokes.

http://webcenters.compuserve.com/wmconnect/atplay/blondejokes.jsp?varN=6

Jmm
Member

08-16-2002

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 - 11:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jmm a private message Print Post    
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or
you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.

The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."



Kaykay
Member

01-21-2004

Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 12:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Kaykay a private message Print Post    
Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.



Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.






----------------------------------------------




Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.


And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:
Amateurs built the Ark

Professionals built the Titanic



and in case you never saw this one..! ....

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?




Give up yet?





It's the 435 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, August 06, 2005 - 3:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
Subject: Good Rules to Live By

a.. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

b.. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it
moves and shouldn't, use the tape.


c.. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."


d.. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


e.. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's
still warm.

f.. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

g.. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

h.. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one
month? One week? One day?'

j.. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

k.. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship
just might mean that the other person was right about you.

l.. Work is good, but it's not that important.

m.. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to
need them to empty your bedpan.

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, August 18, 2005 - 11:08 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Escapee a private message Print Post    
Escapee's fables

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation
and give a speech at the dinner. Because the Politician was delayed the
priest decided to say a few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here and thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. One of the first
people who entered my confessional told me he had stolen television set
and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had
stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had
an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. As time went on I learned my people
were not at all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full
good and loving people."..

Just as the priest finished speaking, the politician arrived full of apologies
for being late. He immediately made the presentation and began his speech.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to
him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE


Draheid
Board Administrator

09-09-2001

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 - 9:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Draheid a private message Print Post    
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...
.....you lousy mosquito.


Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Sunday, September 04, 2005 - 7:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Rupertbear a private message Print Post    
I'm not Italian but I thought it was so cute, I had to share! :-)

40 common things in the life of an Italian Child

01.You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.

02.You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich."

03.Your family dog understood Italian.

04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.

05. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.

06.You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.

07.You thought killing the pig each year and having salami, capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed ceiling was absolutely normal.

08.You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday.

09.You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.

10.You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

11.You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

12.You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

13.Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.

14.You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

15.You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.

16.You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.

17.You ate your salad after the main course.

18.You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

19. Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or and a broom.

20.You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

21.You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

22.You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

23.All of your uncles fought in a World War.

24.You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe, Louie or Salvatore.

25.You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

26.You have relatives you don't speak to.

27.You drank wine before you were a teenager.

28.You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos.

29.You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.

30.Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.

31.You thought that talking loud was normal.

32.You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

33.You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.

34.Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.

35.There was a crucifix in every room of the house

36.You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father. (oh, and he has to be Italian)

37.You called pasta "macaroni".

38.You dreaded taking out your lunch at school

39. Going out for a cup of coffee usually meant going out for a cup of coffee over Zia's house.

40.Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and accident was attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something.



Vee
Member

02-23-2004

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 6:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vee a private message Print Post    
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. Just as he opened the door, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Porsche.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and summoned a policeman. He screamed hysterically to the policeman that he had just picked up his new Porsche the day before and now it would never be perfect again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Good grief dude, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"OH MY GOSH!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"


Vee
Member

02-23-2004

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 7:07 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vee a private message Print Post    
Senility Prayer:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Jan
Moderator

08-01-2000

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 8:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jan a private message Print Post    
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"




Don't you just love little old ladies????



Wink
Member

10-06-2000

Monday, October 24, 2005 - 5:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Wink a private message Print Post    
Subject:

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to
time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
<
<
<
<
<
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?





Teachmichigan
Member

07-22-2001

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 - 8:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Teachmichigan a private message Print Post    
I have no idea if this truly qualifies as a joke, but I found it hysterically funny. It is probably funnier for women than for men -- I'll try to "edit" any objectionable language.


Bloody Hell!
I am SO very on the rag.

Warning: TMI to follow in the form of a long, not-very-serious rant about feminine hygeine products, dead Confederates, and secret-decoder rings. Menfolk are advised to read at their own risk. Some guys can't take this kind of humor. You have been warned.

Yes, the commies are invading. This led to a desperate 1 a.m. expedition to the store to get more supplies with which to hold off the onslaught.

This ritual, which I suppose all women must perform, is a neverending source of frustration and dread to me. I once more faced the Aisle Of The Damned. The first assault was visual, my retinas were swiftly overwhelmed with packages colored garish, Barbie-pink, soothing aqua, lively yellow, or forebrain-searing turquoise. The second assault was olfactory. Whatever unholy perfume they hose those things down with is second in offensiveness only to baby products.

Like a combination used-car salesman and bible-thumping preacher, the promised fresh smell delivers false promises and veiled insults: "You'll feel fresh as a spring morning! Nobody will know you're bleeding from the tw*t, you disgusting, sinful, smelly woman!"

And while I was there I witnessed perhaps the most pathetic pandering to a woman's insecurity about Period Odor I have ever seen. A doohickey attached to the shelf that contained pull-out coupons. But these were not just any pull-out coupons. These were little mini-advertisements for some new and festive variation on the same old cotton/nylon rag, a version that now thoughtfully allows concerned women to choose from two available smells – something springtimey and something rainy fresh.

That's right, we had scratch-and-sniff advertisements for a product that's just going to be kissing your gorilla salad. That's the perfect thing, says I. If I ever want my pus*y to smell like an old woman's potpourri spray or a new-age hooker's douchebag, I will certainly keep that product in mind.

Christ.

I'm going to tell you all something, and it may come as a shock. But it is impossible, no matter how much perfume you wear, to feel "fresh" when you are squelching in your own bodily fluids. Okay? No product you can buy is going to change this. No microweave covering, no multi-layer filling, no contoured channels, and no "fresh scent!"

The only people who are going to appreciate the "fresh scent" are you, when you first open the package, and any crotch-sniffing dogs you might run across during the day.

Anyway, the frustration did not end there. The only products between paper-napkin thick liners and industrial-waste absorbers were the kind of pads that would work just fine except that they have wings. Wings are supposedly there to keep the pad in place and keep overspill from ruining your panties. I say if you're wearing expensive panties to impress your Aunt Flo, you have your priorities all fu*ked up.

What the wings really do is rub the insides of your thighs raw, peel off your panties, and stick to your leg, or, worse, get sucked inside your panties where they wad up and jab you in the nether regions and create a critical breach in the absorbency layer through which fluids are guaranteed to seep, staining anything you sit on. In other words, they do not work as advertised. They were probably invented by men, just like five-inch-long tampons. As I exclaimed at high volume in the store "For Fu*k's Sake! I am bleeding from my vagina, not HAND-GLIDING!"

Adding to my suspicion that the wings are universally loathed, every woman who heard me (there were three) laughed ruefully. They knew exactly what I meant.

I finally located a product I thought would do (these companies change their packaging and drop products every month so it's senseless to settle on a brand) and realized that its major selling point appeared to be "quietest pouch!" Complete with a touchable sample applied to the outside of the package, in case you need convincing.

Because God forbid your cats should hear you changing your she-diaper at 3 a.m. and think that you're opening a package of kitty-treats.

Seriously? All I can think of is that this must have been demanded by teenage girls who were so embarrassed by the Crinkly Pouch Of Humiliation that they would sooner use their own socks than admit to the world that they, just like virtually every other woman between thirteen and fifty, have a period. Gone, gone are the days of furtive rustling in high-school bathrooms, covered up by the sound of a flushing toilet or well-timed cough. Gone are the days of the incriminating crinkle when one fishes for a cell-phone in one's purse. We, my sisters, are Free At Last.

So I took them home, cursed and snarled until the perforations-that-weren't forced me to gut the package like a deer carcass, and I tried out the "quietest pouch" which was indeed so whisper-silent that if I were a ninja, and I was bleeding vaginally, I would accept no other brand. Of course, were I a vaginally-bleeding ninja, I would have bigger problems to worry about. Like the fact that I would likely have forebrain-searing turquoise hair and horrifically inflated breasts.

Once I opened the package, I received the coup de grace. On the little peel-strip, printed in mimeograph-blue ink, were "Kotex® Tips For Life," including such helpful gems as "Drink 6-8 glasses of water daily to help keep you hydrated and feeling fresh," and "Staying active during your period can help relieve cramps." It also helpfully informed me that "Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches," and that "Kotex® Lightdays® Pantiliners [are] also available in Longs, Extra Coverage and Purse-Paks." All this in English, French, and Spanish.

What the fu*k? My twa*rags are talking to me?

Tips For Life? How about some REAL pearls of wisdom? "If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it." "Chicken breasts are done when they feel like a hard penis." Or this, which millions of women and axe-murderers need to know: "Hydrogen peroxide removes bloodstains!" Now THAT would be useful.

Just so long as they don't go the fortune-cookie route. "You will soon take a mysterious voyage." "Accept the next proposition you hear." "A star is a forever light. Like a star, let your wisdom shine." That would just be too fuc*ed-up.

I have long maintained that we should put pictures of gorgeous men on the packaging. Really butch guys on the heavy-absorbency products, and femme guys on the pantiliners. For the ever-more-popular "teen" size, we could get pictures of the boy band du jour. So you could have pictures of N'Sync and Justin Timberlake on your black thong-cut pantiliners (yes, such things exist).

You know if guys had periods, the packages would be slathered with pictures of Carmen Electra, and would frequently include a free bikini magazine or offers for $50 rebates on Coleman grills. What do girls get? Fuc*ing pastel colors and super-quiet pouches. Such is our shame. I really think hip advertising is the key to breaking this taboo.

My husband thinks they should take it one step further and create cartoon characters, like Tony the Tiger or Cap'n Crunch. I suggested they should use caricatures of real-life people . . . like a cartoon Bloody Mary holding her severed head. His suggestion was the best. Bloody Bill Anderson, that grim figure of the American West.

I can just see the commercials now.

"When you're ridin' the rag . . . ride with the best! Dancin' girls and preachers' daughters alike agree: use Bloody Bill's Pads! Available in two delightful scents: poison sumac and gunpowder. Now with blood gutters!"

"Cork that revoltin' wound with Bloody Bill brand Tampons! Individual packages come with cotton batting, gauze, and a 60-second length of dynamite fuse. Free ramrod with each purchase."

"Monthly Curse got you feelin' a mite insecure? Get the assurance you need with Bloody Bill's Roll-your-Own Tampons! I left a trail of blood clear across Kansas, but you don't got to!"

But we will never see the subject approached with such humor.

Advertisers would probably just come up with a zany animal, like a cartoon beaver or something. They'd make it cute. This would tie in with the conventional wisdom that girls are getting their periods younger and younger. With any luck, you could make it "cool" to be on the rag. Girls would brag about it. "I'm up to three packs a day!"

I think they should include a surprise in each package, like a secret decoder ring, and print cryptic messages on the backs of the pull-strips that you can decode while you sit there on the toilet at 5 in the morning with cramps and nothing to read. And if you save UPC symbols and mail in your $3.95 shipping, they'll send you something cool. Like, 20 UPCs would get you a book of erotica.

50 would net you a really kick-a$$ waterproof vibrator.

200 would net you a personal visit from the male of your choice, who would, on bent knee, apologize on behalf of his whole gender for not having to suffer the affliction of The Monthlies, after which he'd fix a three-course Italian dinner, bake brownies, give you a full-body massage, fuc* you heroically, and then, if you were having a very, very bad month for cramps, he might allow you to kick him in the nuts. Just a little. He'd go limping out about the time your girlfriends arrive with Heath Ledger DVDs, allowing them to snicker at his plight before diving into the brownies, which ought to be cool enough to eat by then.

No, I am not angry at men. I just hate the way that they smirk smugly and say "well, cramps may be bad, but you can't get kicked in the balls."

Buddy, you don't get a three-day knock in the cluster every month. Guys can go for months, nay, years without a good kick in the balls. So can it and fetch me the remote. Knight's Tale is on.

And while you're up, bring me some of those godda*n brownies.

Teachmichigan
Member

07-22-2001

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 7:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Teachmichigan a private message Print Post    
On the exact opposite end of the spectrum --

"Dear Lord," the minister said and he began a prayer with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment a little boy leaned over to his mother and asked quite audibly, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Tabbyking
Member

03-11-2002

Thursday, January 12, 2006 - 8:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Tabbyking a private message Print Post    
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to
the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to
buy
some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I
can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Friday, January 13, 2006 - 1:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
Catholic mothers

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest.. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle. "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2, hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!

Jagger
Member

08-07-2002

Friday, January 13, 2006 - 5:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Jagger a private message Print Post    
Thanks for the jokes everyone, I needed a laugh tonight.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, January 16, 2006 - 6:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Nancy a private message Print Post    
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were
asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they
had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable
mentions are listed below.


Second Runner-Up:

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
traction.


First Runner-Up:

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of
that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them
to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm
so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really
matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if
you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.


And the winner:

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.


Honorable Mentions:

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts,
along with potatoes.


In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated.


In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.


In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.


Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched
on the back of a giant tortoise.


Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.


Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to
watch television by candleli

Bandit
Member

07-29-2001

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 3:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bandit a private message Print Post    
Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this
chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER
SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking onhis "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road

SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only Cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

Denecee
Member

09-05-2002

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 4:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Denecee a private message Print Post    
AWw!! I love to laugh! Thank you all!

Bandit
Member

07-29-2001

Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 7:29 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bandit a private message Print Post    
OSAMA


While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on a beach and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?

I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with - Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

Vee
Member

02-23-2004

Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 9:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Vee a private message Print Post    
My mother just sent me this joke...I think she's making some kind of statement...

An 80 year old man was arrested for shop lifting. When he went before the judge asked him, "What did you steal?"
He replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked him why he had stolen them and he replied that he was hungry.

The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can. He replied "6".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something.
He said, " What is it? "

The wife said "He also stole a can of peas."


Bandit
Member

07-29-2001

Friday, January 20, 2006 - 3:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Bandit a private message Print Post    
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 1:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Laralyn
Member

08-04-2005

Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 2:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post Send Laralyn a private message Print Post    
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.