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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, July 20, 2005 - 10:53 pm
I need some advice. I don't really have a problem, its more of a concern. Few weeks ago, Caleb and his buddy from school started visiting each other at home. They're best friends, have been in the same class for a couple of years and get along great because they have so many of the same interests. I love it. Caleb's gotten to that age where he isn't all that interested in playing with his little sister all the time, doesn't really have many boys his age right here in the neighborhood, and is old enough to go do his own things (without little sister tagging along.) His buddy's parents love it too. He's an only child, and a lot like us with Caleb, he's not allowed to run around on the loose. They live in an apartment complex with a pool, so if he's going swimming they go with him and when he's outside playing they are out watching him. They also enjoy Caleb coming to visit because the dad is an artist and works at home, so having Caleb there, or his son here, he gets to get work done during the day. Problem is...the boys prefer his house. I know why they do and it's because of Dakota. At the buddy's house they can play anywhere in the house and they aren't dealing with a six year old girl. The first time his buddy came over, we took Dakota out. I took her shopping, Darren took her to the movies so the boys could play alone. Second time, my nieces were here so Dakota was busy with them. But I can't keep taking her out of the house and I can't keep my nieces all the time. It's also an all day thing with the boys. We drop one of them off at 10 or 11 am and pick them up at 4 or 5 pm. When dad called last night to invite Caleb over today, we talked a little about it. This is the third time this week Caleb's been over there! And I don't want him to be the kid who never goes home, lol. I also don't think it's fair for his buddy's parents to always be the hosts, yet his dad told me last night that he enjoys Caleb coming over because he's able to get so much work done when his son is busy with Caleb. I'm just really starting to feel guilty though and don't want to take advantage of these people, and prefer to share in having the boys here some too. I'm planning on inviting the kid over on Friday and it will be a first for us, because Dakota will be home the entire time and my nieces won't be here to distract her. Any advice on how to get her to leave the boys alone, while at the same time not making her feel like a pest? It's not really that she's constantly bothering them or that they are being mean, but she really doesn't get that they like to play games or play with legos, things that bore her to tears. The boys have been talking about having sleep overs and I'm kind of putting them off because I don't want to have the buddy's parents always responsible for hosting sleep overs and yet I know they'd really push Kota's limits on letting the boys play alone.
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Twinkie
Member
09-24-2002
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 1:45 am
War, can you come up with projects that you and Kota could do together to keep her busy while the boys play? Or maybe some games that the 2 of you could play? Gee, that's a tough one. I really don't have any other suggestions.
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 4:48 am
War - Kota may suprise you -- Samantha loses interest quickly when Justin has friends over. Maybe you could find a craft or something that the two of you could do while the boys do their thing? I can tell you from the perspective of the parent who usually has the kids -- I know that I don't mind at all having their friends here. The kids are having fun - I can get stuff done - and I know where my kids are. We are fortunate because most of Justin's friends are very well behaved -- and I am sure Caleb is too.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 5:45 am
I'm with Twinkie and Danas--you keep Dakota busy. Why not take Dakota to a craft store beforehand and pick out some beads/necklaces that you two can make together while the boys do their thing... Then maybe get some Barbie movie or some girl type video or games...
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Lumbele
Member
07-12-2002
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 7:14 am
War, giving Dakota some special Mum-time doing "girl stuff" would probably keep her out of the boys' hair. But if these play dates are to become a regular thing, it may cut into *your* time too much. Can she grasp the idea of "privacy" yet? Could she understand that it is normal for siblings to spend time away from each other, respecting each other's space? That Caleb needs privacy to be with his friends, just as she will when she has friends over to do/talk "girl stuff"? There are quite a few years of both of them in the house ahead, might as well issue the "ground rules" now.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 7:52 am
I have this same situation with my kids except for the fact that my daughter still thinks brother's friends are coming over to see her too. Now that he is 15 that annoys him even more. I would first stop feeling badly that they play at the other boy's home the most. You might find that with Dakota, her friends hang out at your house more. As they get older, it won't be even on how much time they spend at each other's houses. My ds rarely has friends over here cause his friends are mainly into Halo (which we don't have) and they play tournaments at several of the boys' houses. But he does throw a big slumber party every year and has poker group so it sort of balances out. As to Dakota, explain that Caleb is having a friend over and she is just going to have to leave them be. It's sort of like teaching about boundaries, this is one of them. I would try to find a few things special for ya'll to do, but you don't want to start getting into that habit cause it could end up backfiring. Just be there mainly to hug and say "i know you want them to play with you, but they are playing boy stuff together". just want to add, I had typed all this out and for some reason my internet went out so I decided to cut and paste my words of wisdom to a word doc so i could repost this....(modest aren't I?? LOL) anyway, just read Lumbele's post and she said what I am trying to say but more succinctly!
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 7:53 am
Personally I wouldn't do anything different. I'd see how it goes first. She may not even care about the boys doing their own thing.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 7:57 am
Or have her invite one of her friends over at the same time...
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Teachmichigan
Member
07-22-2001
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 12:01 pm
I like the suggestion of "setting boundaries" -- all kids have to learn at some point to entertain themselves. Not much fun -- but doable. Another though that might help --Could she make cookies with you? My DS LOVES cooking, and when he's bored that's something we can do together that makes him happy but helps me accomplish something useful at the same time. I feel your pain -- we have an only son, and while he's wonderful about playing alone, he loves it when he can have a friend over or vice-versa. We live in the country, so it's definitely not a daily or even weekly thing -- but still, we try to do it as often as possible in the summer. Good luck on this one -- I bet Dakota's parents truly don't mind being the "house of choice." Maybe you could just talk to them about your concern? If they know they won't offend if they have to say "no" occasionally, you may find you have no worries at all. 
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 2:04 pm
Ever since the kids were little we've had a rule about privacy. If someone is in their bedroom with the door shut, they want to be alone, and even Darren and I will knock before entering. They understand that. I hadn't thought to explain to Dakota in terms of privacy that the boys need to be left alone and will try that. Tomorrow when the boys are busy I have a girl movie (Ice Princess) that me and Kota will watch together. And yep, we can work on crafts, play games and cook, but I can't do that all the time either. The biggest problem is that when this kid comes here to play, Dakota thinks he's here to play with "them." And no matter how often I explain he's here to play with Caleb she doesn't seem to get it. I talked to the dad the other night and let him know I didn't want Caleb to become a burden or the kid who doesn't go home. But both of us know the reason the boys would rather play there and I have a feeling the parents are afraid they may offend us saying, "oh but the boys prefer being here because they don't have to worry about Dakota." It wouldn't offend us and I hope I was able to get that across. She's not doing anything wrong at all, and at the same time the boys aren't wrong in their feelings either. Teach isn't it hard when you want them to have more play time with friends but really don't have the opportunity? There are no girls, or even boys, Kota's age in the neighborhood. We are extremelly lucky that my niece is only 9 months younger than her so she can come and play. The problem with Dakota, and why I haven't had her friends over is that she tends to forget my niece is here to play with her. It'd be nice if there were kids her age around here that she could play with.
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Teachmichigan
Member
07-22-2001
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 9:05 pm
It is hard, War -- I actually called one of his friend's mom tonight and asked a "favor." I'm off my feet completely for 2 weeks and very limited for the next 6 because of foot surgery. The poor lad is going stir crazy, so I asked if he could spend the night. I've NEVER asked anything like that before (and felt quite uncomfortable doing so), but the poor kid really needed to see his friends. He spent all of last week w/his grandparents while I was away at a class, and while he really enjoyed it, it's not like playing w/ his friends. He'll be taking swim lessons at this same friend's house next week, so that should help him get some social time. Needless to say, we look forward to the beginning of the school year. BTW -- good luck w/ the "door closed" idea. We have the same rule and it works beautifully.
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Friday, July 22, 2005 - 12:11 am
Swim lessons sound fun, especially if it's with a friend. Both mine play baseball and they love the season, Dakota because she just loves the sport, and even at six she is a wee bit competitive. Both of them though enjoy the social aspect of it, getting out and playing with their friends a few hours a week. And this year was big for Caleb since he went to an all boy's team, he really liked that. Unfortunately, baseball season ended at the same time school did, lol. I posted earlier we were lucky with Dakota in that I have a niece who is nine months younger than her, so she has a playmate close at hand. We're also lucky with Caleb because my two older nephews are both close to his age as well. The big problem with them (not that it's really a problem, lol) is that no matter who I invite over it's never just getting one kid. I always invite the younger sibling (and when my kids go to their houses its both of them.) And the age gap between the older and younger ones is big so someone's always feeling left out. Today my two nieces came over (ages 6 and 22 months.) I had Caleb complaining cuz he had no one but girls to play with and the baby hollering because the older three got to go out front to play and she didn't, lol. No one at all was happy! Can you invite his friend over to spend the night when you're back up on your feet? Gives your son something to look forward to and shares the joys of having the kids at your house too. I talked to his buddy's dad tonight to invite him over tomorrow. They have plans but said if they get done early they'll give a call and see about getting the boys together. I'm thinking about asking his parents next week about a trip to the movies. We've got a cheap theater right up the street and I figure if we go early enough it won't be too crowded. The boys could sit a row or two up and I can keep Kota back with me.
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Teachmichigan
Member
07-22-2001
| Friday, July 22, 2005 - 2:38 pm
Actually, we're asking the boy over this coming week. Since DS is taking lessons at his house, he could come home w/ DS (I've got a babysitter who's driving for me), spend the night and then go back in the morning. The boys are old enough (10) that I don't have to watch their every move -- and they usually spend quite a bit of time playing gameboy together. LOL He's pretty geeked for his social time.
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Friday, July 22, 2005 - 5:02 pm
LOL, Teach. I've got my nieces here now and everytime the girls get quiet I go running to see what they're doing wrong. That is the nice thing with the boys, they're old enough if they're being quiet it's because they are busy doing something, like playing computer games or building things with legos. That ought to be fun for your son, swimming lessons then bringing his buddy back for sleepovers! Should keep him somewhat occupied for awhile.
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Sillycalimomma
Member
11-13-2003
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 9:46 am
I have no idea how I am going to word all of what I have to ask here, but here goes..... DD is 8 years old now. As many of you know we had her when we were very young (I was nearly 17 and DH was 19) but despite what I am sure the stereotypes of young parents may lead you to believe, she has always been our number one concern and priority. She is spoiled rotten not only from us, but our families because she is the only granddaughter. And because we have some really great people in our families that wanted to help and support us. Needless to say dd has never gone without. She has always had more than she needs. Problem with that is as she has gotten older she has become pretty ungrateful and expects whatever she dreams of. DH and I have gotten to a place where we do not want anyone buying her things unless it is for a special occassion and we don't want the grandparents/aunt offering "fun" days unless we feel dd has deserved them. Lately this has been causing chaos in our house. Now, DD is 8 years old and for the past year I have had a list of chores that she needs to help me do around the house every week. I don't give her money for them. Partly because we tried that before and she claimed she wasnt getting enough for the work and partly because I feel she should "pull her weight" around here (easy chores like folding towels and emptying the dishwasher) For the past couple of months she has had attitude (sassy talk) and just basically being disrespectful IMO at times. My idea of disrespectful and yours may be different so lets just leave it at I feel her tone of voice and the things she says at times is completely rude and uncalled for (I know this is a bit of an age thing from talking to a friend who has a son her age, but I still wont tolerate it) When she was younger I read all the books I could find on her stages of development and what I could do to help her along. Problem is those books seem to end at a certain age and then you are just left out to dry. When I try to discipline her for her attitude and such she pretty much turns on the waterworks. I realized last night that this was her way of getting out of trouble (im slow I guess) because she knows I love her to much to watch her cry knowing I have caused it. I know that when she does something that she deserves a punishment for I need to stick to whatever punishment I dish out, but I can't stand sending her to her room hearing her cry and knowing she is cursing me in her mind about how mean I am. I grew up with a mother who was very very mean and never showed any love. I guess that has caused me to be the complete opposite~I never want her to fear me or think that I am mad at her for something she has done because to me she is still learning about this world. Does anyone know of a good book that could help me out with this stage of development and teaching morals/values? If you have children this age what kinds of punishments do you enforce and how do you stick to them? It seems silly to me to ask all this stuff...to me the answer is already in my mind, but I am so worried that I will screw this all up somehow and she will start going down the path I did (she is so much like me it is scary already!) and I really really don't want to see that.....
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 9:57 am
silly, she is turning on the waterworks, because she knows she can guilt you into lessening the punishment. basically she needs a series of consequences and rewards. we worked out a system of each chore has a price. if you don't work, you don't get paid. if you don't have money, you can't get the item (magazine, etc.) you need. it doesn't even have to be money. it can be a "credit", and so many "credits" equal say... a movie, or a special lunch at a fast food joint. you have a list of items that earn credits, such as taking out the trash, emptying the dishwaser. and a list of items that remove credits, such as shoes on the floor, clothes on the floor, backtalking, sassyness, dishes left on the table. if you have questions, just post in my folder. i can send you the charts that i made for holly when she was that age from home tonight. it worked and conquered a lot of those problems at that age, if you want them. let me know.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:02 am
Magic 1-2-3 by Thomas W. Phelan is for ages 2-12. I love this book and think the technique is wonderful. It's so much more than just counting. I have heard good things about "Love and Logic", they have a website if you want to look into it. She might be a little young, but the "Rollercoaster Years" is also a good book. The main thing with any discipline technique is to be CONSISTANT. Nothing is going to work right away, in fact, the situation may get worse before it gets better, but by being consistant things will turn around. I think it's nice if our kids like us, but that's really not our job to be liked. They will have plenty of friends growing up, but only two parents. That doesn't mean that you can't do fun things with them, but if they find out they can manipulate you because you feel badly, believe me they will. I do all sorts of 'girlfriendy' things with my daughter...getting our nails done, shopping ect, but there is never any doubt that I am her mom, and I don't get all upset if I hurt her feelings because I have to discipline her. You aren't hurting her feelings out of meanness, but in trying to make her be a better grownup, which is what our job is in the long run. As to punishment, find out what 'gets them'. My dd is very social, so grounding her works great. My ds is very into Playstation, so taking that away work.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:14 am
So don't watch her cry, if she wants to turn on the waterworks, let her cry in her room. Now is the time she is testing you. She is going to be going into "pre-teen" and puberty before you know it, and this is her way of finding out what her and your limits are. Save yourself the headaches and traumatic times. You and DH have to be tough. You need to be on the same page about discipline and it CANNOT be one sided. My niece who is seven is really really testing her independance and pushing my sister to the limits. Her DH WILL NOT back her up on it and says that she needs to be able to discipline her on her own. So what does sis do? Takes away TV for sassiness, and sends to her room for outright disobedience. Neice goes in there and really wales. Being loud and pathetic enough for sis to hear it. Neice has to keep her room clean, as that is HER space, but it is still in sis' house. That is her responsibility and she does not get a reward for this other than a clean room. For other chores like dusting, picking up bro's toys and other "seven" year old appropriate chores, sis has a "sticker" chart, where each chore that is well done, without having to be asked gets a gold sticker and each chore well done with being asked gets a silver sticker, and chores not well done loses a sticker. So many stickers add up to a special treat. It seems to work out, and it gives neice a sense of responsibility. But it is important here and for the next couple years before puberty to really really really set limits, stand firm together as parents, and DO NOT give in or relax them in any way. If you do not, her teenage years are going to be monsterous. It wasn't that long ago that you and I were teenage girls, silly. It's all about respect for you, respect for DH, respect for the home she lives in, respect for others, which will ultimately lead to respect for herself. It's up to you to do this. Be tough! Oh, and GOOD LUCK. Also, remind me of these things in about 6 years when I am having that same issue with DD. I know it's easier said then done, so please set the example for other mom's of little ones like myself.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:24 am
As yall know I'm not one to use books for parenting. But Silly your daughter's playing you like a violin. Set up boundaries and enforce them. She's definately old enough to know that her actions and reactions have consequences. Also how old you were when you had your dd is irrelevant.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:24 am
Here is Thomas W. Phelan's website. http://www.parentmagic.com/ one of the things he talks about is counting the behavior you want to end, and charting the behavior you want to begin. I agree with Escapee, ignore the tears. Mocha couldn't have said it better, you are being so played!
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Sillycalimomma
Member
11-13-2003
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:29 am
Thanks everyone! I know all of this was already in my head...I guess I just needed the feedback to reassure myself. My friends here in RL are either just starting families or single so they can't really relate to what I am going through. Funny thing is that I am well aware that I need to be consistant and that things will probably get harder before better...I remember those terrible twos! I guess I was just starting to slack off a bit as a parent....which is bad. The good thing is that DH and I are on the same page with all of this so i just have to get it together and be the parent I need to be thanks again for all your input
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:31 am
I am with Mocha, I looked into some books, but got more contradiction than anything else. Someone else can't tell you how to parent your child, because no two situations are the same. What works for some families may not work for others. No one knows your situation better than you, and you, in your heart and head, know what to do, you just have to follow it. It's when you don't follow it then the stuff hits the fan behavioral wise. DD is in the terrible twos. She doesn't sleep in a crib anymore, but since we have another on the way, we haven't taken it down. When she is misbehaving, we give her a warning, if it persists, she is put in her crib for a time out. She hates that, and boy does she cry. We give her anywhere from 2-5 minutes, and the bad behavior stops. She is testing her limits for her transition from toddlerhood to adolescent. They're all stages of transition, tests, limits, etc. It's hard to listen to a two year old cry "mama mama" but I gotta do it.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:40 am
Silly, it's so easy to slack. You would think as parents we would get to catch our breath every once in a while as we go from one stage to the next! LOL That's great that you and dh are on the same page, that is sometimes half the battle. I agree with Escapee, that reading too many books can be confusing. I think you need to find whatever source helps you crystalize your thoughts/feelings into concrete actions. Sometimes that is talking it over with friends, sometimes reading a book. I don't have any problem looking to other sources for help or suggestion, but I also read the directions when I am using new products too! LOL For me, I had a 'lightbulb' moment when I found Phelan's books. It was like 'yes! that's what I have been thinking, wanting to happen'. Now I have concrete tools to help me acheive that'. I don't feel like I was flying without a net so much! LOL
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Skootz
Member
07-23-2003
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 10:48 am
Silly, we are currently using tickets for our kids. If you help out with your chores etc. (I even give a ticket for positive/good behavior) you get a ticket. fighting, back talking not listening or doing what you are suppose to do takes a ticket away. At the end of the week we take the tickets out and count them up. Each ticket is worth $.25 and that's their allowance. It is working well and even my 4 year old understands what happens if they are counted and they lose a ticket. (we use the counting system from 1-2-3 Magic but rather than a time out we take a ticket away)
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 11:06 am
OH NO! Girls go through it too! I thought it was just boys and was looking forward to Dakota hitting that age for some peace and quiet, LOL. That snotty attitude and tone of voice drive me insane with Caleb. He gets one warning, "We do not talk to each other like that, we are family and treat each other with respect and kindness, not attitude." And then he gets something taken away if he doesn't listen. They have limits on tv/computer time (they get a little more time now since its so hot outside) and for Dakota it doesn't really matter. Caleb on the other hand loves his computer games so taking his computer time away is the biggest punishment possible. If you can't stand to listen to her cry, don't. Send her to her room and then step outside or crank up the radio (doesn't work with little ones cuz you need to hear if they're doing something that could get them hurt like crawling out of the crib or throwing things.) Won't hurt the older ones though to know you're not going to listen to them trying to manipulate them. And what everyone else has said. Be consistent. Chose punishments for not doing chores, being snotty, etc, and rewards when she does what she's supposed to do and stick to them. Let her know ahead of time what will happen is she does/doesn't do her chores or is/isn't snotty. They can really test your patience huh?
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