Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 11, 2005 - 4:02 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 11, 2005 You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950), "Back to Methuselah" (1921), part 1, act 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Whatever you do, DO NOT read today's horoscope. It will be extremely graphic and disturbing. And a piano will fall on your head. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Have you updated your resume recently? Be sure to include lots and lots of lies! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Take up jousting today. Don't ask why, just do it. It will come in handy later. Maybe. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Dreams tonight may be particularly colorful and animated, with a peppy score composed by John Williams. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Write a 5000-page essay on why Crayola can't design a better crayon sharpener. Send it to them. Eagerly await a reply. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Cough incessantly all day long. Refuse to cover your mouth. Mutter phrases like "outrageous cost of medical care" and "highly contagious" under your breath. This SHOULD get you a well deserved few days off. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Joke, laugh and make merry today - I curse you with merriment! Ha-ha-ha!. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) COLOURS that hurt the eyes should be avoided as far as possible today. I sense a feeling of delight in you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) you're missing a few important elements for a truly great summer: a kiddie pool in the living room (for watchin' TV in style), Potted Meat Snackaz!, and a good poking stick for changing channels when your clicker inevitably dies. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 13, 2005 - 3:42 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 13, 2005 }} Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Walter Anderson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) What you mostly need at this point in your life, is a retinue. Either that, or an entourage. The best way to get started is with a simple classified ad - look for "followers, hangers-on, sycophants, or toadies." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Take care of the nuts and bolts today. Wash them, polish them, speak soothingly to them. Then tuck them in tonight. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try to engage someone in a debate on how Spider-Man can pick anything up when his hands are so freaking sticky Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Spend all night repainting the yellow lines in the road to spell out thoughtful messages in cursive writing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Gaily skip through the produce section of your local supermarket today, singing a whimsical ballad about lettuce and bananas. Force management to physically remove you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Break into the local community pool tonight and try to turn it into a giant Lava-Lamp Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) I do not think you know what 'inconceivable' means. Your plans can only bring failure upon you and shame for your whole family. Show a loved one you care. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) DON'T be one of those people who put 'Jedi' as their religion on the census form. Your life will be turned upside down by a mysterious stranger called Errol. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Nothing gets you more riled up than someone telling you what to do, especially if that someone is you. If you can strike a compromise within yourself, you'll get much more accomplished Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) There are treasures to behold today if you are brave enough to breach a treacherous, unexplored area -- like your own mental landscape. One "aha" moment can save you hours, days, even years of aggravation. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 14, 2005 - 10:57 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 14, 2005 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) IT takes a long time to count to infinity. You could care less, or you couldn't care less? Which is it?. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) I sense a feeling of delight in you. The loony-left is a phrase that you quite like. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) KEEP your hands in your pockets today to avoid embarrassment. Your money situation will improve after a successful night's gambling Leo (July 23 - August 22) All your hard work will pay off today, or at least make you really tired. It's hard to say which. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It's Movie Theater Usher Appreciation Day! Go to your local movie theater and hug all the ushers, thanking them for tearing up your ticket stubs and directing you to the proper theater. They deserve it! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Find a child to gaze at clouds with you today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Call up an arts and crafts store today and try to get them engaged in a long conversation about felt. Get them to recount the entire history of felt. Demand details. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll both make and ruin a ton of cash when you invent Wallet Bacon, the tasty, crispy bacon that cooks up in minutes in one's wallet Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You're ready to take on anyone and everyone. The more competitive the challenge, the better you will do. You aren't likely to give in to defeat.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 15, 2005 - 10:15 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 15, 2005 Good followers do not become good leaders. To be sure, the good follower may win many promotions, but that does not make him a leader. Dr. Laurence Peter -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Visit a museum today. Stop in front of each painting and yell "WOW!" really loudly until they ask you to leave. Then angrily say, "Geez, no one appreciates art anymore." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Stop by the bank today and rearrange all the velvet ropes so they lead right back out the door. Evade arrest. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Insist to everyone you know that Shamu could not be a killer whale because he's just so friendly! Say over and over again: "Would a killer whale kiss someone like that? I think not! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Find a major intersection in your city and try to sell spoonfuls of peanut butter. Bring along only one spoon. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Be nice to squirrels today Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Rather than cleaning your house today, try to "think" all the dirt away. Act surprised when it doesn't work. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If your current projects seem overwhelming, just hang in there. They'll get better. Either that, or they'll get worse. It's hard to tell. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) CHECK your email daily. Because you never know what may arrive. Your request to beta-test God's "New Plan" has been rejected. Please try again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 3:48 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 16, 2005 A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug. Patricia Neal -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) IN the whole world-wide system of things, you are as a sprout. The friends you used to dream about have now left you alone with your favourite blanket. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try to get someone involved in a discussion of whether the Boston Pops are somehow related to Sugar Corn Pops. Refuse to be talked out of this idea Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A great day to take up embroidery. Unless, of course, you have a life. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Go into work today and build a play fort out of your desk. Hang up a sign that says "No Bosses Allowed." Sit in your fort all day and play with dolls. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Mix business with pleasure, and you'll seal the deal. Double-check to make sure you both understand the terms though. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You have the insatiable curiosity of a child -- a quality that the people around you will find either delicious or annoying. Thus you can weed out the ones who just don't "get you." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia." He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's "fun with water day" today! Be daring, dress up as a fire hydrant and hang out at the dog pound. Throwing water balloons is always fun, so climb to the top of city hall and pelt unsuspecting bureaucrats Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may be detained today for beating eggs. Common sense prevails today, so declare any marriage proposal from anyone claiming to be Tommy Lee Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A loved one has been thinking about you for some time now, and you really can't deny that you've been thinking about them, too. If there's something that's been up in the air between you, there's no time like the present for you both to open up and say exactly what's on your mind. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Be cautious when dealing with other people. You may have a problem keeping a secret.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, July 17, 2005 - 8:59 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, July 17, 2005 There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. Nelson Mandela (1918 - ), 'A Long Walk to Freedom' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) LIFE'S a breeze. You could be in need of a wind-break. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Once you've been convinced that your mother isn't a hamster, it's time to move onto the father and his famed elderberry odour Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Paint several raisins pink and mash them up into usable shampoo. It will help you grow orange hairs on your chest and back Virgo (August 23 - September 22) THE missing piece of the jigsaw will be found today. It was in the last place you looked, silly! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) YOUR neighbour's taste for loud music may cause them to incur an unfortunate accident. Of course you're amazed - these horoscopes have a 99.9% (+/- 100%) accuracy Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Do something for the community. Open a museum devoted to mushrooms and fill it with tadpoles. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Be prepared for some changes in your routine today. For instance, the company cafeteria may be serving lasagna when you expected rigatoni. Don't quit your job over this. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your romantic outlook is bright today, or at least somewhat luminous. All right, dim. Okay, barely visible. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Drive up to an enemy's house in the middle of the night. Prune her shrubbery into naughty words. Flee.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 18, 2005 - 10:11 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 18, 2005 To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of. Robert Schumann musician jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) REMEMBER today: The office supplies cupboard cannot be photocopied. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than both of them. And it tastes better on waffles. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Some conflict will be introduced early on, which should resolve itself by the end. Hang on, these are the notes for my screenwriting class. Sorry. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) High bursts of creativity around noontime may mean you'll have to skip lunch. Nah, on second thought, eating's probably more important. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Pull up all the carpet in your home and replace it with styrofoam packing kernels. Insist that it gives the house a "just unpacked" feel. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Listen carefully to medical advice, unless the doctor prescribes a "Super Duper Miracle Pill." Then it would be appropriate to run for your life. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today is Clean Kitchen Appliances Day! When was the last time you polished that Cuisinart? Have you really been cleaning that juicer after every use? Be safe! Be sanitary! It's Clean Kitchen Appliances Day! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Send lots of greeting cards to people you don't know. On each one write, "I'm really looking forward to my stay with you next week! And I'm bringing all my cats!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, July 19, 2005 - 10:09 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, July 19, 2005 If you wish to appear agreeable in society you must consent to be taught many things which you already know. -- Johann Casper Lavater: (1741-1801) Swiss theologian, author Found at 9999.htm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You may find it wise to save money today. Then again, you may see that lovely cubic zirconia necklace on the Home Shopping Network, in which case you should splurge! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Get a suntan today. If you can't do that, then get a sunburn. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Call your local public television station and make an enormous donation. Then give the number of one of your enemies. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting... Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you have important decisions to make today, best to flip a coin. Or consult a Magic 8-Ball, if you can find one Virgo (August 23 - September 22) YOU are allowed anything you want today. Even if it messes up your weight-watchers 'points system'. (Unless its Tuesday weigh-in day!) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Call random people today pretending to be from a new long-distance telephone company. Tell them if they switch, they'll get all their long distance for free. When they say yes, explain that there's a $25,000 startup fee and hang up. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) COLOURS that hurt the eyes should be avoided as far as possible today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be dynamic today and should be able to convince others to pitch in and help you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) After a computer randomly picks your name from a list of all U.S. citizens, you'll be the next person to get their own TV talk show. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) \ It’s unlikely that your idea for a crouton website will take off, Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 20, 2005 - 7:18 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 20, 2005 To repeat what others have said, requires education; to challenge it, requires brains. Mary Pettibone Poole, A Glass Eye at a Keyhole, 1938 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will have the opportunity to solve a long-postponed family issue. In the morning, an attractive opportunity will come your way, for buying a house or making a property exchange. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A great day to begin work on that self-help book you've been meaning to write, "You Can't Possibly Understand What I'm Trying To Convey, You Stupid Non-Communicative Male." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You won't miss the water until the well runs dry. And you won't miss the Perrier until your trust fund dries up, you hateful little debutante. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Why not take up a new instrument today, like the piccolo? Refuse to play anything but that really annoying part of "Stars and Stripes Forever Leo (July 23 - August 22) A great day to buy a lottery ticket. You'll lose, of course, but you'll help decrease your state's debt by a teensy bit. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Speak all day in a really whiny voice until eventually you get everything you want. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Avoid driving or travelling by car! You are predisposed to accidents. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Unexpected obstacles may prevent you from achieving everything you have set out for today. Don't blame the failure on your family! You are simply lacking practical sense Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Build a boat from liquid yaks cheese and attach an engine to it. Stink out an entire lake with it and you will be rewarded with staplers Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Learn Latin and train your local protozoans how to play the harmonica with their nostrils
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 3:26 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 21, 2005 The world is full of people who go through life running from something that isn't pursuing them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) 20 mongooses will try to spike your drink with chocolate-vanilla flavoured ice-cubes in order to send you into orbit. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Pineapples can be really sensitive if you talk to them about issues concerning hydrocarbons and gooseberries Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Spreading marmalade over your ligaments will bring you good luck and prawns. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Why not catch a movie tonight? Because they're overpriced and finance the Hollywood greed machine, that's why! Shoot! Go miniature golfing instead! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will run into an old friend named Louise. Do not be alarmed by this. And whatever you do, don't say "geez louise" when you see her, she's heard that phrase one to many times. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Call everyone you know in a panic. Proclaim breathlessly that your alphabet soup just spelled out the first two sentences from the Gettysburg Address Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Join a high-school shop class today. Brag about how you're not going to use any tools, you're just going to gnaw the wood into shape. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Happiness is a fresh towel, right out of the dryer. Unless the dryer is broken, in which case the towel is probably damp and cold and not very happy at all. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A roller coaster of activity in the morning, which will be followed by a merry-go-round of activity in the afternoon, capped off by one of those orange twirly octopus-looking rides of activity in the evening. (Message edited by nancy on July 21, 2005)
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 22, 2005 - 3:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 22, 2005 Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. Dale Carnegie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A great day to walk around asking people lots of embarrassing questions, like whether they drool when they sleep. Act hurt if they don't respond. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Do not stuff noodles inside a trumpet and play it in public whilst wearing a pink hat. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Energies are high in the morning, so do all your productive work then. Then in the afternoon, sit around scarfing Pringles. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Learn how to tie at least three different types of knots today. Don't learn how to untie them, however. That would be too much work. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try to purchase liquor today with a fake I.D. stating you're a space alien named Glocknid. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Storm into your boss' office today and tell him that God said if you don't get a million dollars by the end of the week, you'll be forced to resign. Bonus points if he falls for it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) It's normal to have mixed feelings about a real estate transaction. But my uncle bought some of that swampland in Florida, and it's good stuff. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) YOU may be called a fruitcake today. Slippers are the route to all evil. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will see your favourite colour today. Chartreuse. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) SEARCH deep down inside yourself for all the answers you need. No, hang on, that puts us out of a job...er...search deep inside yourself and then come here for clarification. Yes, much better. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Dress a tandoori chicken up in a thong before putting it in the oven, incase it meets any cute male chickens in there Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 23, 2005 - 4:13 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 23, 2005 "Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -- Jules de Gaultier ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A great day to resign from your job. Claim that you're pursuing your lifelong dream of becoming a superhero. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will make a major decision this morning which will soon prove to be quite inspired. Who knew one can do some much with just a twist tie, some glue and glitter! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If you end up daydreaming, go with it. What kinds of days are you dreaming of? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of slippery treadmills! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, an aspiring firefighter will put you out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Try to attend to your health today. Cut back to seven cups of coffee if you can. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If someone gives you flowers for no reason at all, check to make sure you're not wearing Impulse body spray. Because, you know, does he love you or the deodorant? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A great day to take up jousting! Sure! Jousting is America's newest fad, almost as popular as rollerblading! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) While your mate is sleeping tonight, paint giant green polka dots all over him. When he wakes up, say, "Honey, you've certainly come down with a peculiar rash!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A great day to take up a new hobby, like square dance calling. Later, if you get really good, you can make a career of it. Run the square dance circuit, that sort of thing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, July 24, 2005 - 11:00 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, July 24, 2005 "The foolishness of the simple is delightful, only the foolishness of the wise is exasperating." Santayana -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) LEGAL tender has now been made illegal. So give it up. (Mail it to Nancy) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) WHEN you try something new, please be sure that you have put enough paper down to contain any incurred spillage. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your cat will wake you up this morning by sitting on your face. Oh, wait that's my cat! How did she get there? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Despite what you think, your mullet is not cool. You’re friends are embarrassed to be seen with you. Get a hair cut. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today is a great day to master the art of ballet. If you're not up for that, it's a great day to master the art of ballet-hating. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Avoid disturbing a sleeping mate today. Unless you're mad at him, in which case you should throw water on him. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Engage someone in a lively debate today on whether Hackensack, New Jersey is somehow mysteriously connected with the hippie toy, Hacky Sacks. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you have to sign anything today, sign the letter "X." Explain that it's such a pretty letter, much prettier than your name. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Drop a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere you go today, just in case you can't remember how you got there. This includes inside your house. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Heed this warning: you can never have too many baking sheets.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 25, 2005 - 9:36 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 25, 2005 "Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?" -- Tom Stoppard, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Stock up on Alka-Seltzer today. I can't say any more than that. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Asphalt your front yard. It's easier to maintain, and then you can play basketball on it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Sugar and spice makes everything nice, but raw sugar, right out of the box, does a pretty good job too. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Pour a glass of apple juice and make a horrible face as you drink it. If someone asks you what's wrong, say, "It's the liquid from my old college Lava Lamp. I always wondered what this stuff tasted like!" Virgo (August 23 - September 22) During an important business meeting, suddenly launch into selections from "The Sound Of Music." The mood-breaker will be uplifting, trust me. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You'll be asked to participate in a taste test but will be dismissed as soon as they realize you have no taste. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a good week to practice what you preach. But if you're not a preacher, then don't worry about it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Love and hate are but different sides of the same coin, but the real question is: would a vending machine accept such a coin? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Whenever you go somewhere today, don't walk. Shimmy. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, July 26, 2005 - 4:42 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, July 26, 2005 I finally realized that being grateful to my body was key to giving more love to myself. Oprah Winfrey (1954 - ), O Magazine -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't stop until you see the whites of their eyes. Unless you're involved in a bake-off, in which case don't stop until you see the whites of their eggs. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A trusted friend will give you wise advice today. Unfortunately the advice will be on a topic unrelated to your life -- something like metallurgy. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?" Virgo (August 23 - September 22) During an important business presentation, stop to see how long you can hold your breath. It will amuse and delight your audience. Libra (September 22 - October 22) The ancient words of Japanese wise men state: "Man who walk down middle of road he get squish, like grape". Stay on the pavement and you'll be fine. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) THE odds are that you will not accept this horoscope as entirely accurate. Humour is one of these things that might eventually save you from yourself. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The day's events will affect your eating ability. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) WRAP up warm. Someone called Greg or Craig called for you last night. Spooky, huh Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 27, 2005 - 3:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 27, 2005 Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought. Sir William Osler (1849 - 1919) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Whine incessantly that today's kids are unthankful for what they've got. Then conclude, "ME on the other hand: as soon as I got my BMW, I was perfectly happy!" Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Ask someone to join you in a rousing game of Hangman today. When she least expects it, spring the word "zyzzyva" on her. Solemnly state, "I play professionally, you know." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Walk around the entire day pretending you're a gnarly old fisherman. Refer to everyone as "landlubber." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Wearing white after Labor Day isn't the faux pas it once was, but wearing the same tattered white wedding dress from now until Labor Day is going to be seen as somewhat odd. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Do those rose bushes need pruning? No? Well, how about fertilizing? No? Do you even have rose bushes? No? Well, forget it then. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Difficulty builds character. Usually. Okay, sometimes. All right, occasionally. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Orange underwear is lucky for you this week. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll be getting plenty of hot and heavy action in the near future, but unfortunately for your love life, it's mostly the explosions, car chases, and heavy gunfire kind of action. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 28, 2005 - 3:59 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 28, 2005 An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You can usually manage to hold your tongue when you're dealing with someone who's not as intellectually well-armed as yourself. But right about now, that's going to be next to impossible. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Condition your hair with squished raisins and squawk like a parrot. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Making new friends is easy for you. Just pull your lower lip over your head and say the word "Hamstring" 3 times. Leo (July 23 - August 22) THERE is a lot of anger in your brain. Douse it with cool, flavoursome beer. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may be facing communication difficulties and may not be able to make yourself understood. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don't grow a beak unless you want to be arrested on Friday, by police officers searching your underpants for mice Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In the evening, you will be paid a visit by your long lost cousin's second brother twice-removed. Or by a bill collector, which ever comes first. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Hang around a bus stop and rub Ben-Gay on strangers. If anyone says anything, get really mad and yell, "Man! I'm only trying to help you relax!" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) After days of worrying more about others than about yourself, it's time to let them take care of it themselves. Would you be surprised to find that once you backed away, they felt guilty enough to actually solve it?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 29, 2005 - 10:14 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 29, 2005 Success lies, not in achieving what you aim at, but in aiming at what you ought to achieve, and pressing forward, sure of achievement here, or if not here, hereafter. R. F. Horton -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Awhirlwind of activity in the morning, followed by light gusts of emotion in the afternoon, with temperatures dropping to the mid-30's by evening Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Go into an oyster bar and complain loudly about your summer cold. If you're really daring, cough a lot for effect. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Call up random people, pretending you're a telemarketer. Ask them personal questions about their sex lives. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Stick up meaningless "wet paint" signs everywhere you go today. Watch in glee as everyone gets way paranoid. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your romantic life may be in for some surprises today. That drive-thru worker making the eyes at you, hubba hubba! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Find a restaurant that serves "mile-high apple pie." Complain that it's not anywhere near a mile high. Sue the pants off those crooks. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Take the kids out on a unicorn hunt today. Tell them you can't go home until you find one. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Now is the time to throw caution to the wind and write a book about a lobster. Nothing else interesting will happen today Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Well buck up, little camper, here is some sound advice for you. Go that way, really fast (what, you can't see me pointing?). If something gets in your way ... turn. Also, you might want to try a silly walk. It definitely wouldn't hurt. Don't forget raisins; you like raisins.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 30, 2005 - 7:09 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 30, 2005 All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."-Schopenhauer -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn cat could have helped solve over 30 capital crimes. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) With NASA under increased pressure to perform and to curry public favor, they're seriously considering using cutting-edge technology to launch you into orbit. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Make plans to enjoy yourself both at work and later this evening. You're in party mode! Furthermore, the Moon is in your sign today and this gives you a little bit of extra luck. For months ahead, romance looks promising. Your creative talents are hot as well. Enjoy! (Lucky you.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Memories will cloud your day. Try to put the past behind you and focus on the here and now. Think about your current direction and how you can make improvements. Don't overspend. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Dine at a new restaurant, change your schedule, or try a new hairstyle--experiment! Flexibility is the key to happiness tonight with someone moody. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Live it up a little -- or a lot. It's the perfect time for wining and dining -- but not "whining" and dining. Even if loved ones have been behaving badly, this is not the occasion to bring it up. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You find your own rants so amusing that once you get started, you can't stop. Actually, you're on to something here. Follow through by writing letters and making calls. Find out who agrees with you! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Being busy for the sake of being busy is silly. It's far better to kick back and relax (for the sake of kicking back and relaxing). Without interference from you, your day takes on a vague structure of its own. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You seem a bit weak at the moment. Kick off the shoes, have a bath and listen to a comforting song. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Take apart a circuit board today to find out how it works. Fry it up with some butter and garlic to find out how it tastes. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) May be a good day to avoid long-range planning. In fact, refuse to make any decisions at all. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Tell the family you're going to an exciting place today. Then drive everyone out to the town dump. Sadly state, "Oh, I guess they moved it."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, July 31, 2005 - 3:51 pm
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, July 31, 2005 It is well to give when asked but it is better to give unasked, through understanding. Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931), 'On Giving,' The Prophet, 1923 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Send a letter to you-know-whom. Schedule a weekend outing with the same. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Full moon whispers bad advice, smacking of an ignoble nature. Clasp hands over your ears and cry, "I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening," repeatedly, until the moon finally gets frustrated and gives up. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) There are many possible fates in store for you but they all seem to involve you standing rain-drenched and shoeless at the side of a major interstate highway, cursing single men everywhere. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be reading a novel today, and think My cat could have written a better book. You will then come to find out your cat did write it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Looking for love in all the wrong places? That's actually a good thing, because now you know where not to look. Be patient, because love is about to find you in a most unexpected place, and when you're not looking Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're the next big thing -- really! So if you're feeling impatient, try to hold on for just a little longer -- the stars are working hard to get everything lined up just right for you and your big debut. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It might not be explicitly written down as part of your job, but nevertheless, something falls within your jurisdiction. You might even say that it's your duty. Go the extra mile. You won't regret it Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The universe has something up its sleeve. The good news is that you're a big fan of such happenings, so no matter what pops out of that sleeve, you'll be tickled -- and ready. Spread those good feelings around. quarius (January 21 - February 18) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Food is your friend -- especially when you remember that it's there to fuel you, not to make you feel better when you're sad, angry, frustrated, etc. Appropriate behavior -- it's the key to lifelong friendships!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 01, 2005 - 3:28 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 1, 2005 Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Look out for falling pianos, they tend to just fall out of nowhere, I think cartoons have proven that! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Call up an old friend, it's always good to keep in touch, especially if they're rich! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you must avoid the police at all costs. Particularly if you recently jaywalked while eating an ice cream cone wearing pink petal pushers. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Expect a call from some company thats trying to sell you something, ya know, because you don't recieve those calls every day! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today will be a trying day for you, as your favorite pair of underwear will suddenly vanish. (Oh just check your best friend's laundry if you want them that damn badly) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll have tremendous luck today, things will be going your way. If it looks too good to be true, what the hell, you only live once, I say take it! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Money to be found in unexpected places. (You'll be like: "Hmm, how did it get in THERE?!") Oh, and you left your glasses beside the kitchen sink (again!) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your lucky numbers today are 10.2, 3.7 and 15.8. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember to clean out your handbag so that when you are scrounging for some change at the check out of your local 7-11, candy wrappers do not fall to the ground all around you. Smile, you're on candid camera!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, August 02, 2005 - 6:55 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, August 2, 2005 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A question you have been asking will be answered today. In fact, I'll answer it right now: 42. What's that you say, the answer doesn't make any sense? Well, perhaps you're not asking the right question. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) LIFE is like a box of flat-pack furniture. I'll leave you to figure out why. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Stay away from trees today at all costs! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are about to have a great day, until, of course, you come back and find your "soul mate" in the arms of your best friend. Can you say Ricki Lake! Libra (September 22 - October 22) \ You'll be spending most of the day dodging bullets (not literally, unless thats what you do for a living), and you'll eventually be hit. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will travel back in time today, make sure you bring an extra pair of clothes. Just in case... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A good day to psych-out that psychic clutter hanging around your pysche. Get psychedelic with your psychiatrist. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Order a pizza tonight, but make your topping selection impossibly complicated: "I'd like half onion, third mushroom, then meat toppings divided into eights -- and could you spell out HAPPY BASTILLE DAY in pepperoni?"
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 03, 2005 - 10:21 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 3, 2005 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Call the Kellogg's hotline exclaiming that Snap and Crackle are there, but Pop is definitely missing. Claim that he ran off with your stereo. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You should take steps today to get your name legally changed to 'Wild Thang.' Then whenever someone plays the song, you can stand up and bow." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The mayor of Los Angeles continues to say you've got to go, which is strange, since you've never been anywhere near Los Angeles in your life. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Spend the day counting the hairs on your arm. Publish your results in a renowned medical journal. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Remember that the tab left in a cassette tape means you can record on it, while the tab removed means that you cannot record on it. A very important distinction. Talk earnestly today about the novel which you've almost completed. If anyone asks you what it's about, look sheepish and respond, "Well, it's actually just a one-sentence dedication." Then brighten up and say, "But it's almost finished!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Walk around all day fretting. When someone asks you what's wrong, say, "Should I join the Kiwanis, Elks, or Moose? I just can't decide!" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Be gentle and tender with yourself. Give yourself a massage, and cook yourself dinner. Then drive yourself home and kiss yourself goodnight.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, August 04, 2005 - 10:34 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, August 4, 2005 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!") Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Do something unexpected, like pretend you're Monty Hall all day. Walk around the city yelling at random people, "Are you sure you want to go with door number two?" Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Invite the President over for scones and tea. When he doesn't show, get really mad and vow to vote Libertarian. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You should take some financial risks today, such as buying an armful of John Tesh CD's. Remember, however, that often risks do not pay off. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are under the misconception that your pantry is filled with crackers. Its not - its actually filled with goats Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your imagination can run wild now, and you want to act out a fantasy or strange desire - something you normally would have the good sense not to attempt. However, if you are an artist, this is a very inspired, fertile time for you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your ability to concentrate on mundane concerns and problems diminishes now. The world of imagination, fantasy, entertainment, or art holds more attraction for you. Go to a movie with a friend (or write your own!). Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You become excited about an idea that promises much greener pastures for you. Hopefully, you have done your homework or else your grand dream can go up in smoke. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You should be getting more appreciation for your own originality and creativity right now, so don't be afraid to express yourself in some highly original and unusual ways today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 05, 2005 - 10:44 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, August 5, 2005 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A friend will come to you with an idea that could reap huge financial rewards for all involved. The only catch is that you will have to move to Nevada and change your last name to "Daddy". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Best to keep your feet on the ground today. As opposed to walking around on your hands, which would be cumbersome and awkward. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have an important realization this morning. Then the phone will ring and you'll forget about it for twenty years. Bummer. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Tap your left kneecap using a steel spoon 3 times, and you will hear a ringing which sounds very much like a doorbell Leo (July 23 - August 22) Energies are very high for you today. Don't drink any coffee, or you'll explode. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Shave off both your eyebrows and replace them with tattoos. Make the tattoos really cool and twirly Libra (September 22 - October 22) Buy the answering machine and moon boots that you have been coveting. Avoid women who wear their hair in a bun, and whatever you do, don't speak to any albinos this month. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A nice, mellow day is in store for you. To that end, tie-dye all your clothing and hop on a bus full of Phish fans. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) I checked for you and here's your answer: No it is not okay to clean your ears out with the eraser of a #2 pencil. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
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