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I hate to do this but...

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Jun. ~ Aug.: Free Expressions ARCHIVES: I hate to do this but... users admin

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Kswheels
Member

06-30-2005

Thursday, August 18, 2005 - 11:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Would some of my fellow TVCHers please check out my new blog and let me know what you think. I'm looking for honest, and if need be, harsh opinions of the writing.

Thank you.

Ryan

http://wichitanewswatch.blogspot.com/

Kaili
Member

08-31-2000

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 5:38 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Hi Ryan...I'm reading it now but I need to comment as I read so I've got two windows open...

So far I have read the first three paragraphs. All three are well written. The first too are clear reporting, but the third one makes kind of a jump with your sarcasm regarding the anchorwoman's incredibly stupid comment. I had the exact same thought as I read it. So while all of the paragraphs are good, it was kind of a rapid change when you're suddenly kind of speaking to your audience instead of straight reporting. Do you know what I mean? I like the comment, but it felt out of place to me- like I was reading a newspaper article, then part way through it the reporter inserted his/her opinion.

Alright- next two paragraphs are short and reporting on the newsagain, then we return to your opinion. The end feels like it flows better, but maybe I'm used to your writing style by then. I really think it's all quite well written- my own personal writing style would be to report the info, summarize my comments at the end like a reaction paper. Doesn't mean that it doesn't work for you though.

"hilighted" "satating" "transferredunder" (sorry- spelling stuff irks me even though I know I do it from time to time too)

Anyway, not sure if that's what you were looking for- it's probably not how I would have written it, but it's well written and I do like the comments you added.

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 6:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Hi, Ryan!

Well, I had time to tackle the first of your two essays. I am a former English teacher and marketing writer. I went thru it with both a proofer's hand and a reader's mind. Gonna enumerate the little needed fixes, k?


Fixes Needed:

1. Paragraph 1, line 1: Although you know what 'BTK' stands for, never assume everyone else does. So (typically, at first mention), you should spell that out for the reader. You can either decode the acronym in the title or in your first sentence. If in first sentence, it should read something like:

The 5:00 KAKE broadcast opened as expected, with coverage of Wichita's now infamous Bind, Torture, Kill (BTK) serial killer sentencing hearing.

2. Even though this essay is short, it is dense with information. So you also need subheads, to make it easier for the reader to zero in on a particular section of your essay. Since you are using time as an element in your essay, you could easily use that approach for your subheads. For example, in paragraph 1, I would pull sentence two out of that paragraph, making your beginning paragraph a one-liner. Then devise short, blurby subheads as guides/markers for the reader.

3. Use active (not passive) voice. 'Dennis Rader's rambling statement was discussed' is passive voice. To change that to active voice, you would instead say: ' Newscasters discussed Dennis Rader's rambling statement.'

4. Paragraph 2, line 1: 'relative's' should be 'relatives'

5. There should be a bit of white space between paragraphs. It will make this entire essay easier to read. (So either hit return or go to 'paragraph format and add a line or two of spacing AFTER each paragraph.)

6. Paragraph 2, line 2: 'hilighted' should be spelled 'highlighted'

7. Paragraph 2, line 2: Use a comma before a quote ('highlighted by the son of one victim saying, "If I were to sink to your level (I'd put a comma here, too)

8. Paragraph 2, line 3: Remove comma between 'off' and 'had.'

9. Paragraph 3, line 1: Your lead-in to the quote needs to help clarify who the 'you' is in the quote which follows. For example (KAKE Anchorman Susan Peters said of the spectators or of the general reaction . . . or something like that. First read through, I continued to connect the reference to the person quoted in the previous paragraph--as if she were talking to him.

10. Paragraph 3, line 1: I would also use the word 'commented' rather than 'said' (about Susan Peters' quote) because it further clarifies the reason for her point.

11. Paragraph 3, line 1: Add a comma before the quote.

12. Paragraph 3, line 2: Add punctuation in one word in parenthetical to show possession: (victims families) should be {victims' families).

13. Paragraph 3, line 2: Delete the dash that precedes your reaction to the anchorman's quote.

14. Paragraph 3, line 2: You should distinguish your comments about the station's coverage from your reporting of the station's coverage somehow. You should highlight it by making your commentary a separate paragraph and use indentation, italics or a font color for your words that are strictly commentary.

15. Paragraph 4, line 1: lawyer's should be lawyers'

16. Paragraph 4, line 2: Use a semicolon, not a comma when combining two sentences without a conjunction: The defense accused the prosecution of grandstanding ; the prosecution said the defense was just whining.

17. Paragraph 5, line 1. Avoid beginning each lead sentence in a similar manner--as in, 'the next segment . . .'

18. Paragraph 5, line 1: Fix spelling of Lieutenant.

19. Paragraph 5, line 3: That 'bondage' sentence is kind of long and clumsy--try to rethink it. (See sample in story below.)

20. Paragraph 6, line 1: Replace the word 'their' with 'its'--as the station is singular, so the pronoun must be, too.

21. Paragraph 7, line 1: turned up the drama about 10 notches is not a good metaphor (and the notches thing is kind of trite). Sorry. So rethink that, trying to be a bit more creative.

22. Paragraph 7, lines 2,3,4,5: Punctuation and spelling errors. See below sample for fixes.

23. Paragraph 8, sentences 2 and 3: Changed the sequence of words in this sentence for dramatic effect and flow. A spelling error in last line, too.

24. You need to summarize your reaction to the broadcast. Feels as though we are left hanging.






Sample Rewrite

So here's how I see the changes playing out:

KAKE Channel 10
Bind, Torture, Kill (BTK) Serial Killer Coverage


The 5:00 KAKE broadcast opened as expected, with coverage of the sentencing hearing of Wichita's now infamous BTK serial killer, Dennis Rader.

Rader's Statement
In the opening 2 minutes, newscasters discussed the rambling nature of Rader's statement, offered to the court prior to sentencing.

Victim Statements
The next segment covered the statements from relatives of BTK's victims, highlighted by the son of one victim saying, "If I were to sink to your level, I would say that this world would have been much better off had your mother aborted your demon soul before you were unleashed on this world, sparing 10 innocent lives and avoiding untold heartache for this community."

Observer and KAKE Anchorwoman Susan Peters commented about the mood in the courtroom, "You just felt good watching them (victims' families) after this hearing."

Somehow I just can't find anything about the BTK case to feel good about, Susan.


Other Statements
The next segment covered the lawyers' statements after the hearing. The defense accused the prosecution of grandstanding; the prosecution said the defense was just whining.

The testimony of Police Lieutenant Ken Landwehr came next. Landwehr described Rader's plans for an 11th victim. He showed (is that accurate that the policeman showed these, Ryan?) some bondage pictures and drawings (of BTK and of women and girls), which Rader used as his muse to pen fantasies.

Amazing. It took KAKE 12 minutes to use its catchphrase for the BTK case: The BTK Journey to Justice. Not that they hadn't been flashing their obnoxious Journey to Justice logo all over the screen for the entire broadcast.

After the first commercial, KAKE missed no opportunity to exploit the day's events by describing them as "bizarre and emotional." Immediately following that statement, KAKE anchor Larry Hatteberg summarized, "Thirty years ago Wichita lost its innocence, and tonight, with the culmination of this trial, we've really regained our future." For the third time in 3 minutes newscasters chose to use the word "bizarre".

After two commercial breaks and the weather, the station refocused on BTK. Apparently nothing else happened in Wichita today.

We heard accurately from the station that on Friday, Dennis Rader will be transferred from the county jail to the El Dorado State Prison--under heavy security. However, KAKE field reporter incorrectly stated that Dennis Rader will spend the rest of his life there. Inaccurate because he will only be in El Dorado while he is being evaluated. Then he will be transferred elsewhere.


<I think you need to add a final, summary sentence or two here, evaluating or grading the coverage.>

Kaili
Member

08-31-2000

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 6:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Wow! You really took the time HP!!!!

Coco
Member

07-13-2000

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 7:15 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I'll admit Kswheels, I read your blog in the wee hours but I just had a feeling our talented TVCHer's would be coming through and put the shine to it! (....and I'm not one of them...lol!) Good luck with your future reporting!!



Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 7:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
i'm never editing one of my daughter's papers again. i'm sending them to HP! dang girl you are good! good job ryan!

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 7:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Herk, you always ROCK!!!

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 7:58 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
1

HP rocking


Thanks, guys. But this is what I did for years, so it is second nature. I have NO other skills, believe me. This is it.

Meant to add, Ryan, that I think you have a great idea for a blog. And please don't take my comments negatively. (You should have seen me the first time someone marked up something I wrote. Waaahhhh! My baby, my creation!) Coco is right; just needed a little polishing.

I'd recommend that you sit on the suggestions for a day or two and then re-read them and your originals. Then use the edits as a guide only. This is your work and should reflect your style.

1


Juju2bigdog
Member

10-27-2000

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 2:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
LOL, HP. You may have NO other skills, but you have talents aplenty. And a heart as big as Texas.

Teachmichigan
Member

07-22-2001

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 5:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
As another English teacher, I just say "DITTO" to HP! LOL It IS second nature, isn't it HP? I hate reading our local newspaper because I feel the need to go through w/ my green (hate RED) pen and mark it up!

Tishala
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 6:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I've reverted to red pens for an extra special retro appeal. They mistook the green pen for affirmation. Red pen=fear of God.

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 7:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
With you there, Teach. Uh, my inability to disregard spelling errors has gotten me in trouble here a time or two, too! (Gulp.)

Tish, only you!! Heeheeeheee!

About a year or so ago, I took a writing test at a health care benefits company in CT. My task? To edit a marketing letter. (I prefer to do my editing on the PC, if at all possible. That's because I edit constantly as I write.) However, using a PC was not an option in this test.

I rewrote the entire piece and made it sing. Truly. But . . . I didn't get the job.

The gal explained to me later that though my rewrite was excellent, what they really wanted was someone who would do minimal edits--so the original author would not feel as if the piece had been rewritten by anyone. (Well, would have been nice if someone had told me that. I could have done that!) I mean I think I could have done that. . . . Nah, it probably would have killed me to keep my mouth shut.

Teachmichigan
Member

07-22-2001

Friday, August 19, 2005 - 9:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
LOL -- and as other English teachers know -- most of our editing and notes get us NOWHERE!! How many kids revise unless it's required! I'll be trying very hard (as per the AP guidelines) to give scores this year w/ minimal comments (this will be for timed writings only -- not drafts).

I do vary my green pens w/purple ones upon occasion. Because I buy gel pens in bulk from Sam's Club, I always end up w/ a couple of red pens -- I save 'em for the exams! LOL My kids always tell me I write as much as they do -- and I have found my life is easier since I was taught how to use the Word Review Tool a couple of years ago. Saves paper until the final draft if nothing else, plus I have a copy of their draft on file so they can't just resubmit the same paper!