Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, April 27, 2005 - 3:38 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, April 27, 2005 This is a one line proof...... if we start sufficiently far to the left. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your pet rattlesnake has decided he doesn't want to be owned anymore--watch out! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your plan of attack for your major project at work, will require expertise in rope handling, video recording, and 2 pieces of potato. I am Not sure why you need two potatoes but you will know why.. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, April 28, 2005 - 3:55 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, April 28, 2005 "He was all over the road, and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, April 29, 2005 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, April 29, 2005 "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, April 30, 2005 - 8:01 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, April 30, 2005 "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have show-tunes running throw your head all day. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do). Libra (September 22 - October 22) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 02, 2005 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 2, 2005 No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you will see why. Mignon McLaughlin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 04, 2005 - 3:40 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 4, 2005 Fall seven times, stand up eight. Japanese Proverb -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 05, 2005 - 3:29 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 5, 2005 "The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." -- James B. Cabell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia." He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 06, 2005 - 3:31 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 6, 2005 Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anyplace." -----------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 09, 2005 - 3:24 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 9, 2005 "It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do." -- Jerome K. Jerome -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Another excellent day to whittle. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, May 10, 2005 - 6:31 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, May 10, 2005 A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. Abba Eban -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) \ You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You're getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space...
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 11, 2005 - 3:46 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 11, 2005 "A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." -- Robert Frost -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Libra (September 22 - October 22) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 3:25 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 12, 2005 What is big, yellow and eats rocks? A big, yellow rock eater. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) You have an appointment with Destiny today. Unfortunately, you will be held up in traffic. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. . Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Those secret plans you have been working on for the last 18 months are now nearly ready for an expensive, dramatic, theatrical presentation, possibly involving fireworks, or at least a sparkler or two. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The phrase: 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' will have a rude meaning today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 13, 2005 - 3:31 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 13, 2005 "The telephone pole was approaching fast and I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be faced with an unlikely, but life affirming, irony involving your car, a road with a dead bird on it, and a small bag of peanuts. . Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Switzerland will become important to you in ways not immediately apparent. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A pudding is destined to have a pivotal import and furry things with legs may never feel secure in your house again. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Take care to complete a survey which will take considerably longer than the 20 minutes estimate they gave you at the beginning. The survey will bring to your attention a new money making activity which may not be highly lucrative, but will give you some good stories for the dinner party circuit. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A friend from the past will make an unusual entrance today, and could damage a small shrubbery in your garden. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An aging dog will adopt you as its owner after forgetting where it lives. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 16, 2005 - 6:47 am
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Monday May 16. 2005 To give an accurate description of what has never occurred is the proper occupation of the historian. Oscar Wilde -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be strangely drawn to a travelling bearded ladies exhibition which will suddenly appear in town. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A cantankerous old man has you in his sights - you are blamed for an incident which left him wobbling at a supermarket or bowling green around the 13th. You will be surprised by the vehemence of the old geezer's determination to do you harm. In any scuffle based incidents go for his stick and try to leave no marks. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) DVD and CD players are inversely aligned with the stars, which may present itself to you in the form of the trays jumping in and out unexpectedly even when the power is switched off. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A visit to a zoo, a leisure park, or a sleazy motel, will all end messily. Ensure bottled water is on hand and a rag to mop your furrowed brow. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A well loved aunt, who has a record as an anti-globalization protester, is set to make a welcome call. However, avoid taking her to any McDonalds or Starbucks from which she has a globe-wide ban Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A planetary alignment could spell doom for any nighttime driving in the forest. Beware Moose, Buffalo, Deer depending on which country you drive in. Be especially on the alert for hunters looking for adventure in middle age. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Avoid the number 18 in the lottery at all costs. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your chart, if joined by the ages old method of dot-to-dot, once again forms a pointy eared animal. This could be a sign that you are about to turn into a dog, or it could mean something else entirely. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A not much happening DAY - spend as much of your time as possible on the beach with a bucket and spade. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A cuddly toy has gone missing in a Toy Story type incident your kind will never understand. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An aging dog will adopt you as its owner after forgetting where it lives. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 18, 2005 - 3:17 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 18, 2005 "Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done." -- Fred Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A friend will tell you that he's been born again. You should probably avoid asking if he's breast feeding or on formula. People can be touchy about that. Also, expect him to be cranky before naptime. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 19, 2005 - 4:02 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 19, 2005 "Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well." -- Samuel Butler -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find out your secret superhero identity of the day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 20, 2005 - 3:58 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 20, 2005 The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Accepting criticism has always made you fly into a blind fury, especially from those you trust. Tonight your fury will be tested to almost martial arts levels of skill. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Harvey, your imaginary 6ft tall bunny rabbit friend who follows you everywhere, will get himself into a pickle in ways too complicated to relate in this column. Suffice it to say that even imaginary bunny rabbits require food and water and a safe place to toilet themselves. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) That long intended, but not quite brought to fruition, invention, which will make you a million dollars and allow you to leave that job you hate, is being looked on favourably by Mars and, more importantly, the Earth's Moon today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Enjoy your new found enthusiasm for organisation and shrug off any scepticism of loved ones or neighbours, especially those you owe money to. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! Libra (September 22 - October 22) A loved one, or coach figure, will encourage you to put on 'the blinkers'. (Note: Racing animals have blinkers put on them to stop them looking anyways other than frontwards. This makes them run faster, ignoring any distractions along the way!) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You have tried, but failed, in your subtle attempts of communicating your talents to loved ones, now may be time to resort to screaming and shouting hysterically and at length. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) There is nothing that can be done to wipe the red wine stain from a carpet after a completely unavoidable accident
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 23, 2005 - 3:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 23, 2005 A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may never get over. Benjamin Franklin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction." Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must. Libra (September 22 - October 22) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy candles that you see in gift stores. Try "Love" or "Inspiration" for example. (Avoid "Death" or "Decay.")
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 25, 2005 - 9:41 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 25, 2005 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 26, 2005 - 3:18 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 26, 2005 The purpose of life is to fight maturity. Dick Werthimer -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) David Bowie could come into your life in a way that you will find surprising. Stock up on red blusher and anything proven to make your hair stand up on end which doesn't also make a burning smell. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A salesman's cold call to your work number will introduce you to a whole new world of discount shopping. You will be drawn to a snazzy sofa and chair set which will go well in your lounge, however the coverings will wear out suddenly after the 1 year guarantee expires. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Puddings with currents in are well starred today but only if eaten with a counterclockwise spoon movement. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A company you invested in during the dot com boom, which you had written off, is set to haunt you next month with the possibility you are called as a witness in a fraud trial. Practice saying 'I know nothing' in front of a mirror for three hours before testifying. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your stale olive flipping party trick is in need of a reinvention although since you taught your dog to join in your audience has increased dramatically; even so avoid performances in a car park after 6pm unless a bottle of antiseptic cream is available if it all goes horribly bloody. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be encouraged by a European friend to accompany them to the Eurovision Song Contest later in the year: decline politely if you do not know anything about this competition. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be discovered by a talent agent whilst walking down the street and offered a highly profitable deal to sculpt a Halloween mask based on your face. Recover from your immediate feelings of upset and arrange an agent for your subsequent public appearances which could prove highly lucrative later in the year Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Do not wash the car as you run the risk of becoming a victim of the latest skirmish in Sponge Wars 2005. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) On a chance visit to a Subway's you will discover that they have completely run out of tomatoes. Make the most of this and you are likely to get a free sandwich, coupled with a regular contributor status on a local vegetarian radio phone in show.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 27, 2005 - 4:28 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 27, 2005 A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright (1876 - 1944) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Bonsai making will be the order of the day, but you will be unable to buy the small, dinky, cutting tools required. You will attempt to use standard sized scissors and be happy with the initial results, however a strange feng shui type thing is going on in the background which will lead to a higher than average breakage of drinking vessels for the next 6 weeks. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A manager will offer a glimpse of wisdom which you shouldn't ignore completely , even though at the time, and for a while afterwards, the wisdom seems dumber than dumb can be. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) 'Faster than fast food' is the new food paradigm about to hit the world in the second half of the decade and now is the time to get on board. The restaurant combines all the advantages of predictive cell phone texting with service with a smile. It's virtually guaranteed to be a success according to Donald Trump who has shares. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will believe a completely ridiculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your car was spotted deftly weaving in between cones on the highway in February. A recording of this brilliant moment in driving history comes back to haunt you in an unexpected way Today. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A pot of tea brewed around dusk will offer magical powers especially if served in expensive china cups: stir in a clockwise motion and ensure you put the milk in after pouring the tea for maximum magicality. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A new hairstyle, a new outfit or perhaps you will finally decide to wash that t-shirt you have been wearing for the last three months, is clearly in your chart. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In China they are about to name a new disease after you, following an extensive search on the internet for a new name. Just think: One day you will be as famous as Madonna. Employ a media management agency to investigate possible revenue streams. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) That farty-type noise you can make with half empty plastic ketchup bottles is set to enhance your dining-out experience by more than 60%, especially if small children are involved.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 30, 2005 - 9:47 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 30, 2005 Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. Confucius ================================================================= Aries (March 21 - April 19) The planets will conspire to force you to speak in a different accent , but only when talking on the telephone. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Small shrubbery's and berry fruits will draw you into the outdoors , and may indirectly encourage you to start reading raunchy late 19th century fiction involving Lords of the Manor and their hunky game keepers who chop wood with their shirts off. Gemini (May 20-June 20) Learn a Maori Haka to scare off innocent passers by. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today the stars all agree that the best tune to hum will be any Frank Sinatra standard. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A dream involving cartoon character Droopy, a carrot on a stick and a box of acme cement is not likely to be made clear to you despite your desperate calls to a night time radio chat show. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An argument will erupt with a person who hears only the exact opposite of everything you say. Do not, under any circumstances, reverse your argument to make them understand if there is any possibility you could be overheard by a third party who will then enter into the argument leading on to a 1970's-style situation comedy nightmare. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Fashion: Do not clash a hat with a scarf, favoring a matching combination, in any social-dance today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A small fish, which was innocently swimming in a tank, will be startled by you as you run past it in a hurry. This incident will provide inspiration to a songwriter who will one day make the world sing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your private life is set to become increasingly more important to you over the coming days, with telephone calls to a loved one from work likely to take up over 55% of your day at their peak. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Juvenile delinquents will test your resolve on a motoring issue which may only be ultimately resolvable by the payment of money to a court of law. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) "Me Me Me!". "Let's talk about me!" "Hello? Over here? It's my turn"... Does this sound like someone we know? Yes, it's you babe. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Lost shoes and underwear could provide moments of relief in what is an otherwise hum drum day.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 01, 2005 - 4:01 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, June 1, 2005 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) --------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Advertisers try to sell you things you don’t need. By thinking you need things you really don’t, your happiness becomes based on material objects. Continuing happiness depends on continued finances, and money always runs out. Quit buying so much crap. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You’ve been putting it off for a while, but you know it has to be done. The longer you wait, the harder it will get. Just get it over with. Admit you like Hanson and move on. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Float down the Mississippi on a handmade log raft for excitement today. Don’t talk to the grizzly bears. They’ll rip your shirt open and then someone might see you topless. Leo (July 23 - August 22) It’s very possible that free will is an illusion. If that’s the case, then no matter what you do, that’s what you had to do. Ponder the moral implications of determinism for today’s society. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Write a song this week using as many "bop dop shadoowops" and "la la las" and "changity ching changs" as you can. Sell it to a major pop star. No one sings their own stuff anymore. Libra (September 22 - October 22) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your Cat(note the capital C) will decide you need to re-learn the lesson about who is boss, and scratch all your furniture today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Stay away from hospitals today, they are hazardous to your health. Unless of course you are a doctor. In that case YOU are hazardous for the health of others. We should have said that before the truck hit you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bet it all on black. If you lose, borrow money and bet it all on red. You can’t be wrong twice in a row ... it’s statistically unlikely!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 02, 2005 - 3:34 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 2, 2005 Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less. Marie Curie (1867 - 1934) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Live your life with reckless abandon. Eat a banana right before bedtime. Tell a stranger about your new cell phone plan. Make loud noises while using Herbal Essences. Listen to some underground polka while dancing in a vat of bratwurst. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!" Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will get sick this weekend if you hang out with the normal crew. If you tell them the real reason you’re ignoring them, though, they won’t believe you. Infect them with a series of contagious diseases and show them who’s boss. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You’re a lion. Grrrr. Show your toughness by killing a helpless woodland creature this week. Make sure you honor its spirit by making mittens out of the fur. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity today. Steer clear. Sticking your head out the window of a speeding 1975 Mustang in the blistering cold and watching your eye sockets freeze is one of those things that’s best to avoid. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Multinational corporations ensure you a life away from the grill and into the cubicle. Show your gratitude by talking very quietly. This will be good practice for a life of hiding things from your boss. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Love is a many splendored thing. One of these splendors is the oft-forgotten belly button. Once your source of food and nourishment, it is now your source of endless fun and games. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Drive to the top of the nearest mountain and gaze out at the city. It will be beautiful but resist the urge to get freaky. There’s a slime creature from outer space waiting to eat your brains.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 03, 2005 - 3:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 3, 2005 "We're not lost. We're locationally challenged. " John M. Ford -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A Scandinavian narcoleptic will bump into you soon. Shake their hand thrice for good luck but make sure to grasp firmly; if they let go after two shakes you’ll be cursed with a dreadful case of the Mondays Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The current lunar phase indicates good things are coming your way. Sometimes good things can be a little bit off target though so make sure you walk around with your arms open all week. This way you’ll catch it and possibly some other surprises as well. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton." (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don’t take your pets for granted. The way you’ve been acting lately, they may soon be your only friend. But, hey, they’re a lot softer to pet than your old friends. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Things are looking up for you and you know who. Let your feelings out in song form. You could rewrite the lyrics to a really raunchy song to prove you’re more sensitive than that but you got a little bit a nasty too.
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