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Archive through July 09, 2005

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Jun. ~ Aug.: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through July 09, 2005 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, June 04, 2005 - 3:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, June 4, 2005

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
George Washington (1732 - 1799)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, June 06, 2005 - 4:47 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Monday, June 6, 2005

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
James Thurber
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

One of your friends has a hidden talent you never knew about. But which one? And what is their talent? This is your quest. And even if you don’t find out, at least your friends will feel like you care about them for once.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone's trying to rain on your parade. Well, fine: Rise above their petty meddling and let them eat their heart out in the contemplation of your adamantine self-possession. (You are a rock, you are an island!)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It’s unlikely that your idea for a crouton website will take off, Leo. Ditto for your plan to open a store that exclusively sells vintage audio cassettes and is only open on Tuesdays. Stop dreaming and start showing up for your real job on time.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A serious relationship will come to an end this week. Don’t worry about it. You’ve been drifting apart for a while now. Besides, what’s wrong with being good friends? Now you don’t have to feel bad about that “friend” on the side anymore

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It wasn't really your fault, but a show of contrition on your part would be most seemly. (I hope this makes sense to you: I'm just reading directly from the sky, you know.) Meet with the parties involved and hash it out. Good will triumphs over petty squabbling. (I hate when the stars are so oblique. Sure, this horoscope must make sense to YOU, but I feel like I'm being left out of the secret! Humph!)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your work situation improves. A promotion is in the pipes. Just don't let that know-it-all colleague of yours create any 'plumbing problems.' (Of course, if they DO keep playing games, I want you to march straight down to the human relations department and complain! Double-time, is that clear?! Hup, two, three, four, hup, two, three, four.... I'm serious, don't let that bozo get away with anything!)


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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, June 08, 2005 - 9:37 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, June 8, 2005


I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Bill Cosby


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family." Or at least, that's what you'll say.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, June 09, 2005 - 4:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, June 9, 2005 "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." -- Last words of Pancho Villa




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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The stars say that you will have very good luck with money. A large sum of money is already waiting for you. Just stop by the nearest fast food establishment and ask to work at least 80 hours this week

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You deserve a footrub today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful,though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, June 10, 2005 - 3:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, June 10, 2005


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) \

You are about to experience a feeling of "crazy power" and you will be judged on how well you handle this.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A complete misunderstanding involving a plate of potatoes and a miniature New York Skyscraper are set to take on comedy slapstick proportions not seen since the golden age of black and white sitcoms of the 1950's

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Mauve is your favoured colour, especially when seen in a cape. Draw the line at wearing only the mauve cape and leotards outside today, unless your a superhero.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

...the only advice the planets have to give you, is 'good luck', and 'when does the show start?'

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Enjoy sleep in all of its forms this week, from quick cat naps to lay-in to 3 in the afternoon sleep festivals.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A man in a kaftan will offer you some advice which may ultimately lead to you buying a red T-shirt.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your gym based exertions are well starred, however avoid the pec deck on the 16th, preferring to chat with a sexy looking fellow workoutee who has exhibited a clear interest in getting to know you better, via the method of the lusty-eye.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, June 13, 2005 - 4:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, June 13, 2005

Knowledge is the antidote to fear.


Emerson (1803-1882)
American Poet and Essayist


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes." Or, in this case, wheezes.





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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 - 3:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, June 15, 2005


Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr.



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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You'll be restless today. Anxiety may lead to an impulsive action. Don't make a decision that will alter your personal life. Live with your situation for a while.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Everything will depend on how much you impress the people who count. Someone may oppose you, but if you are well prepared, you will get enough support without that person's help. Change is coming your way.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Tossing a coin will give you half the answer but the truth remains that there are some questions for which it has to be said, "There is no answer to that."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

When a joke is funny, it is right and proper that you should laugh. You will see your partner in a new light if you fit a green bulb in your bedside lamp

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.


}}}

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 9:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, June 16, 2005


The less people know about what is really going on, the easier it is to wield power and authority.
-- Prince of Wales Charles: (1948-____)
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.









Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, June 17, 2005 - 3:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, June 17, 2005

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A prehistoric find will adversely impact on your well being this month when it appears that a picture of your dog was carved in a newly discovered Red Indian cave 14,000 years ago (his name is written underneath). Resist the temptation to call the media, they will track you down in due course.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Neptune's conjunctivitis will cause a dinner party to abruptly end in strange circumstances , either in your own home or in a home down your street. Avoid Californian wine until after the 25th just to be on the safe side.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, June 18, 2005 - 3:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, June 18, 2005


We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.
Francis J. Braceland, O Magazine, April 2003

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Unleash your inner drama star by throwing a huge fit over your roommate taking one of your Jolly Ranchers even though they’ve done it all year. We’ll see who’s jolly now, cowboy

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Dance the night away. Dance with your girl. Dance with your guy. Dance ’til your feet turn red with passion. But remember to always dance vertically.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Don’t wait up for your prince to come whisk you away on horseback. Horses are way too expensive these days. Instead be on the lookout for men on cows. That way you have your true love and a good dinner.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

There is a hideous monster just around the corner. Now that you know it’s there, you can jump out and scare it before it can scare you. Give it a hug, though. You wouldn’t want to traumatize the poor thing

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be rewarded for your kindness and gentle spirit this week. A party is in order. But watch out, that gentle spirit will be tested when someone with the bleached hair makes a pass at your sweetie. Be cool.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Life will hand you a lemon this week. Politely say "thank you" and eat the lemon like a good little boy or girl. If you finish the whole thing, you get chocolate cake for dessert.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The rotation of the galaxy in relation to the larger universe this week says that the invention of time travel is imminent. Start thinking about when you want to go.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, June 20, 2005 - 3:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Monday, June 20, 2005


Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.
William James (1842 - 1910)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A word to the wise may still fall on deaf ears but two feet will allow you to journey through life at a measured pace and a tall person may still be shorter than someone else.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone may take you the wrong way if you are too vocal about your ideas or intentions. Professional changes can be expected. This isn't the time to take chances with your ability to earn money.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Although you will have to decide whether or not to take advice that is offered to you, patient reflection is recommended if you find yourself waiting for a doctor.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be bigger than life today. Your comments and wit will take everyone by surprise. Be careful not to offend someone who is shy. You will have added energy, so offer to help someone who is experiencing trouble

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Tossing a coin will give you half the answer but the truth remains that there are some questions for which it has to be said, "There is no answer to that."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Everything will depend on how much you impress the people who count. Someone may oppose you, but if you are well prepared, you will get enough support without that person's help. Change is coming your way.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be riding high and probably have a comment about everything and everyone. Be careful: Someone you are close to may not be thrilled with your sense of humor. Praise will get you so much further.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 - 4:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be emotional, so try not to let things get out of control. You will have a tendency to see things from a one-sided point of view; this will lead to negativity and accomplishing little.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Get together with old friends. Someone from your past will encourage you to follow the dreams you used to have. You owe it to yourself to consider what you want for a change. Love is in a high cycle.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats." That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, June 23, 2005 - 3:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, June 23, 2005


An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't.
Anatole France (1844 - 1924)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You should probably take a little extra time to devote to someone you may have been neglecting lately. The more you can do to help others, the better

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Someone you really like will extend an invitation to join something that might interest you. Remember your time is limited; allow for down time.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Everything is falling into place. As long as you don't get overly tedious about detail, you will accomplish great things today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A trip down memory lane will help get you back on track.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

It will be difficult to hide the way you feel today. You may as well clear the air and move on. You may not like change, but if you accept the inevitable, you will discover that the end result is not that bad.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, June 24, 2005 - 3:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, June 24, 2005

A nation' s strength ultimately consists in what it can do on its own, and not in what it can borrow from others.
-- Indira Gandhi: (1917-1984) Indian political leader
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Run your ideas past a trusted friend or relative before you go ahead with your plans. A small but very important detail will need to be adjusted.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be able to capture attention if you are quick, precise and colorful in your presentation.Steer clear of pink with purple polka-dots tho!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Reading, short trips and research will pay off.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Taking a unique approach to health, diet and exercise will bring great results. I don't think eating only foods that start with a "X" will catch on tho!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Not everything will be out in the open. While lots of things should be out in the oper, your zipper in public is not one of them.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll be emotional today, but that doesn't mean you should hide at home. Join in the activities in your community, and you will drum up some opportunities.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 - 8:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
Ben Stein
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)


You will be pumped up and eager to take part in whatever comes your way. Your enthusiasm will attract someone who wants to share in the excitement

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be pumped up and eager to take part in whatever comes your way. Your enthusiasm will attract someone who wants to share in the excitement

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The more you get out and interact with others, the further ahead you will be. Discussions will lead you in a new, prosperous direction. Do things differently or spend time with new friends today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You can accomplish plenty today if you're careful not to be too vocal about what you are doing.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop." That's a bad habit, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone you least expect will surprise you today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You've got things lined up, so get on with it. Put your plans into motion before you run out of time.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It will be three steps forward and five steps back today. Try to maintain a positive attitude. Although difficult, it will help you close deals and inch forward.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff." That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 - 4:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, June 29, 2005
}}
Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance.
Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A chance to do something nice for someone you love will make you feel good and brighten his or her day.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You need a challenge today, so put yourself on the line. Your involvement in a group you believe in could lead to a position of leadership.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Be a little wild and crazy for a change, and you will feel recharged. Socializing with friends or colleagues will result in an interesting deal.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Be aware of someone who is trying to make you look bad. Stay cool and do your own thing. Don't share your ideas. Remember: The sweetest revenge is your own success

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, June 30, 2005 - 3:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, June 30, 2005


A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes." Or, in this case, wheezes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity."..er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Be aggressive if you want things to happen. All talk and no action will lead to disappointment. Make changes that reflect the lifestyle you see yourself living. It's a new beginning.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, July 01, 2005 - 3:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, July 1, 2005

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" -- Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your neighbor's cat will decide it likes your house better and will take up residence in your walk-in closet.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) \

Someone's been gone for a long time -- so long that you'd totally given up hoping you'd ever be able to find them again. Well, surprise. They're back, and a joyous reunion is right around the corner

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "Don't ask your date where she parked her truck(in reference to her eating habits."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, July 02, 2005 - 4:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, July 2, 2005


Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

THERE are two kinds of people in this world: Those who say 'rubbers' and those who say 'erasers' when describing pencil-mark-removing tools. Your outlook for today is Microsoft Outlook

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

THE capital of you is your heart - never forget that. Any changes you make to your life right now, might affect you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

TODAY is a good day to wish. Your lucky horse for today is: Sombrero's Lid

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

AVOID the bank today. Windscreen wipers are a lucky charm for you today

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

THE feeling in your legs will subside within a day or two. Ticking clocks will slowly drive you insane. Wearing a hat will only bring true happiness

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling."

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

YOUR sickest carnal appetites will get an airing tonight. You might as well warn the police now. Things to avoid today: Hope. Things to avoid today: Idiots.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, July 04, 2005 - 3:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, July 4, 2005

It is very easy in the world to live by the opinion of the world. It is very easy in solitude to be self-centered. But the finished man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882), Self-Reliance

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

YOU'RE going to have a good time, possibly in a zoo. Breaking plates isn't just confined to Greeks

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And remember in this case, Break a Leg is NOT to be taken literally.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

TODAY is a series of blunders that follow each other. Your life may take a bad turn today. Or you'll just twist an ankle. Loved ones will attempt to diddle you out of money, today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will find fortune and completely revolutionize the entertainment industry with your script in which the evil twin is part of a set of triplets.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

IF someone said jump off a cliff and you did it, would Stevie Wonder sing a song about it? Exactly. So try not to be so pessimistic!. You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution. If you feel like a box, open yourself up and go crazy with the bubble-wrap!.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A great night to catch fireflies. Then bake them into hearty Firefly Muffins.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Have you been watching too much TV? Have you not been exercising enough? Feels good to be lazy, don't it?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

WINK wink is not an appropriate thing to say to a pal. You can't always be the one to change, it's time to put up or shut up!.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You should take steps today to get your name legally changed to 'Wild Thang.' Then whenever someone plays the song, you can stand up and bow."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Spiritual connections would help today. High-profile business connections, such as a friendship with Steven Spielberg or Michael Eisner, would help even more, but you can't have everything.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, July 05, 2005 - 10:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, July 5, 2005

"Humor may be defined as the kindly contemplation of the incongruities of life, and the artistic expression thereof."
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

THE week will bring you fame, fortune and unrivalled liver-spots

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

In the land that time forgot, everyone had a hard time.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The things you see as worthwhile are the things everyone else sees as pointless. That's what makes you different, but not necessarily better.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

WHENEVER you're tired, remember that a good night's sleep may be in order.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

YOUR lucky bingo-call for today is: House!.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

APPLY for as many loans as possible today. Dead clowns will try to follow you home. In your dreams, does the devil wear pants? What do you think that means?.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

USE flags to communicate for the rest of the day!. Ticking clocks will slowly drive you insane.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, July 06, 2005 - 10:39 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, July 6, 2005


Our bodies are apt to be our autobiographies.
-- Gelett Burgess: (1866-1951) US writer, poet, humorist Found at 332.htm

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

MASSAGING figures is something that both Accountants and Masseurs do. But they are NOT the same thing. Honestly

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

SHOULD you be wearing a hat today?.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

WHEN people say 'Get out of my way!', try to be as awkward as possible, bobbing and weaving to match their movements exactly

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Legal tender has now been made illegal. So give it up.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

WHEN the *bleep* hits the fan, it's time to start/stop(1) *bleep*ing around a lot more. (1) - strike out least applicable term

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

MOST of what you hear today will be the truth. Things to avoid today: Monkey hair. Biscuits are a quick source of sugar

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

DON'T worry. Be happy. By choosing the path you have chosen, you have wound up sleeping in an alley with your alley cat. Please try again.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will open up a Dance Studio that will teach only the "ALLEY CAT"..and every dance must have a tail and whiskers on.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your old teacher wants to come round for a cup of tea. But does that really mean sex

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

NEXT time you look under your shoe, take notice of the pattern. It may well reflect your life.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, July 07, 2005 - 3:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, July 7, 2005


One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises one makes.
Friedrich Nietzsche

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Loiter around the library all day. Continually ask where the "secret" books are kept. Accuse librarians: "I know you're hiding them somewhere!"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You're awesome! You have some excellent people on your side. As you all power through to success, let them know you appreciate them. Besides, one of them will come up with the winning plan."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

When you are distracted by your own creative process, you forget to filter your speech in such as way not to offend others. You will get more cooperation when you are able to temper what you say.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

TRY to avoid groups of Ninja warriors, today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It's Morning DJ Appreciation Day! For all their stolen comedy routines, their unfunny dirty jokes, call your Morning DJ's and thank them! They deserve it!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

YOU'RE wonderful. Get back to work.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

WHEN we tell you that it's 'cryptic', we basically mean that we made it up. The day's events will culminate in a disaster of epic proportions.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A great day to tend to your front lawn. Become obsessive, like a retiree. Scream bloody murder if a kid's frisbee lands in your yard.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

AFTER a car crash you will see a light at the end of a tunnel. Do not be vexed, this only means the car is facing the other way.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

If you're going to become a non-police murder solver, try not to be at the scene of every murder in your town.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

WALKING around without a care in the world is great for your mental health. Try it today and see the results, quickly.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, July 08, 2005 - 3:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, July 8, 2005


Our bodies communicate to us clearly and specifically, if we are willing to listen to them.
Shakti Gawain

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

That secret you've been carting around isn't going anywhere -- nor will your urge to let the entire world in on it. For now, though, keep as quiet about it as you possibly can. Just for now.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

YOU can purchase this horoscope in gilded bronze for only $199.95. Your lucky celebrity for today is: J-Lo. All signs point to happiness. Except the ones that don't.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

SPIRITUAL Mediums will explain to you today why their title means 'Spiritual averages'. They're about as good at talking to ghosts as you are.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

TIREDNESS can kill. Take a break 2 miles ahead.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

TRY to avoid groups of Ninja warriors, today. Remember, saving seals, whales and dolphins from getting 'beached' is a decent way to spend your time.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your home is about to undergo a little lift, perhaps a feeling of light and airy pleasure that will make things feel much better. But if you start to feel useless in all this, focus on pitching in to do your part."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Romance could be in the air. Wait until it settles before investigating

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Call one of those televangelist prayer numbers, asking for help. Explain that you ate a whole can of deviled ham. If they're not concerned about this, tell them you followed it up with deviled eggs. Ask them if you're going to hell.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

.Stockup on clothes hangers. I can't say any more than that. Just do it

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Go into a Saturn dealership today and demand a car with wings and a propeller. Angrily state, "I thought you were a different kind of company with a different kind of car! Geez!"

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Remember to lock your car, but not to lock your keys in your car. Such a small semantic difference, but such a huge real-life difference.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, July 09, 2005 - 4:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, July 9, 2005

Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them.
Marilyn Ferguson

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Be really chipper all day. Use a lot of excessively happy words like "hidee ho!" and "yuppers!"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Go into a lamp store today. Claim that you are the Prince of Eternal Darkness and so must switch off all the lamps. Wearing a cape will add strength to your argument.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will meet someone today who will bore the living crud out of you. If you resist falling asleep, you will be richly rewarded by having them bore you some more.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A great day to try to convince your spouse that you're a small green iguana. Bonus points if you get him or her to believe it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

GO with that animal instinct. You're Tony the tiger…and you're GRRRRREEEAT. Your fear of flying will be tested today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will Form a biker gang called "Heaven's Demons." Paint all the motocycles white and wear lots of lace and light pastels.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Find a public pool today and walk around angrily questioning people whether they've diddled in it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Jupiter has cast it's proverbial net over the imaginary tropic of Malaysia with the result that any attempts to make your TV remote work without massaging the batteries first is doomed to failure.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tee-hee is not an adequate form of laughter. Choose a guffaw, or at worst, a chortle.
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