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Archive through April 26, 2005

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Mar. ~ 2005 May: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through April 26, 2005 users admin

Author Message
Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Monday, March 28, 2005 - 6:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    

quote:

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.




Dang, wish I knew bout that earlier this morning lol.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 - 7:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brook Shields

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware of rodents.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 1:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, March 30, 2005

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Bad day to tease a yak.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 4:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, March 31, 2005


Bigamy is having one spouse two many. Monogamy is just the same.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)


Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)


On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)


This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)


Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)


Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)


You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)


A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)


Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)


Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)


You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)


Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 01, 2005 - 12:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 1, 2005



If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.



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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, April 02, 2005 - 10:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, April 2, 2005

Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will find yourself using a very old
spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that
the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky
Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 04, 2005 - 3:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Sunday, April 3, 2005

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Hide.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, April 06, 2005 - 3:15 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, April 6, 2005


"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.




Lancecrossfire
Moderator

07-13-2000

Wednesday, April 06, 2005 - 9:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

Makes perfect sense to me!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 07, 2005 - 3:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, April 7, 2005


"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy." -- Charlie McCarthy

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of galoots, today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!"


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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 08, 2005 - 4:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 8, 2005

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Yugoslavian hotel

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 11, 2005 - 3:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, April 11, 2005


One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

]Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to fritter things away.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 - 6:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 - 4:47 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You calculate your taxes and realise that you need to add 25 years to your life in order to pay them ! Time to go to the health center!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This may be a good time to sail to the island of Reunion (about 450
miles east of Madagascar) and grow bananas. Or maybe not. The thing
is, you'll never know unless you try, right?


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will become an artist of Reddi-Wip and strawberry puree today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)


Remember: a paranoid is someone who knows a little about what's going on.
You didn't hear it from me.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 14, 2005 - 3:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, April 14, 2005

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be "Have you ever thought much about death?" or "Where's the strangest place you ever had sex?."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Deny everything.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Continue hiding.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 15, 2005 - 3:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens"
Abraham Lincoln


Friday, April 15, 2005
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, April 16, 2005 - 3:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, April 16, 2005

Having a wonderful time, glad you're not here.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.






Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, April 17, 2005 - 10:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Sunday, April 17, 2005

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law...."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy." Tomorrow's better, for that one.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a
unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not
quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-
pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can
borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 18, 2005 - 3:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, April 18, 2005

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Despite what you think, your mullet is not cool. You’re friends are embarrassed to be seen with you. Get a hair cut.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will get a good grade on that big test this week. Be confident and rest assured that you will get an “A” - just as long as you study every night, all night, from now until test day.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
The next man or woman that walks by you is your soul mate; the companion of your dreams. If you are reading this while sitting alone in your room, you’re out of luck - it’s a life of solitude for you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 - 10:37 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Cats are put on earth to remind us that not everything has a purpose.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 - 8:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, April 20, 2005


If you cry "forward," you must without fail make plain in what direction to go.
Anton Chekhov

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 21, 2005 - 3:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, April 21, 2005

"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends." -- Woody Allen

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 22, 2005 - 4:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 22, 2005


All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.

[unless it's a really big revolving door]


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking
them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a
nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 25, 2005 - 3:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, April 25, 2005

If life on Earth were to evaporate, and the planet be visited by alien anthropologists, they will wonder at the regularity with which they find brown bottles and aluminum cans in the hollow spaces of concrete walls, and they will conclude that these artifacts represent some sort of offering to some kind of deity with the short name "Beer" and they will discover that the delphic oracle for this God was no doubt a place called "Milwaukee" since it will be there that they will find where most of the icons to this God were created.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute." Still, this may prove a little awkward.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 4:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, April 26, 2005


Never insult an alligator until after you've crossed the river.

Oriental Proverb

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to sneak.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.



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