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Help with telling kids about death in...

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Mar. ~ 2005 May: Parneting Room (ARCHIVES): Help with telling kids about death in the family users admin

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Danas15146
Member

03-31-2004

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 9:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I just got word this a.m. that my grandma has passed away. My kids are very attached to her (7 & 4) I am still at work and my mom and I decided to wait until they get home from school to tell them. So my questions are

1. How do you break that to them? Samantha is especially fond of her "turtle grandma".

2. Are they old enough to attend the viewing and/or funeral?

Reader234
Member

08-13-2000

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 10:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{{HUGS}} Dana That is so hard!

From my experiences, gentle, and with lots of {hugs} and kleenex. your 7 yr old may have opinons on whether or not to go to the viewing or funeral. When my dd was 5, my fil passed away, what I did was I talked, often, and I have a few books on death and dying that we read, when she was able. One book that is reccomended by educators is "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" it is a book that is abstract, but can lead to discussions. It talks about 2 leaves on a tree, afraid of "falling" and what happens when they do "fall"

When a favorite animal dies, I like to read with them "The tenth Good thing about Barney" by Judith Viorst

My favorite is "I'll Always Love You" its about a dog that dies, its a picture book, and it talks very simply about grief.

Again, its such a personal descion based on your kids, and what is happening in your life. {{hugs}}


Max
Member

08-12-2000

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 10:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{Dana}}
I don't have kids, but I really believe that being gentle and honest is the best policy. Tell them that grandma died but that she'll always live on in your hearts and memories. Share some pictures together and remember fun times. Don't walk on eggshells, talk with them about how you're feeling, too. Kids can sense things and if you try to hide your feelings or couch the death in too many "code words", they can end up feeling like it's not okay to talk about THEIR feelings openly.

Death is a part of life and kids have to learn to cope sooner or later. Unfortunately for your kids, it's sooner.

There are some great books you can use, some of which Reader has pointed out and I'm sure others will have more to add.

As for the viewing/funeral, you'll have to really judge that yourself. I'd urge you to talk with the kids about what will happen at that event and see how they feel about attending -- especially the 7-year-old. I don't much care for viewings, even as an adult, but that's just me. (I'd rather remember the person alive than laid out.) :-)

All the best to you during this difficult time.

Heyltslori
Member

09-15-2001

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 11:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dana...first of all I am so sorry about the loss of your grandma. Both Reader and Max have offered you very good suggestions and advice. When my father passed away last summer, it was especially hard for my sister to tell her son. He's 5 and he and his grandpa were best pals. She told him that grandpa had died and was now in heaven...so although we can't see him anymore, we can still talk to him all of the time, because he still hears us and loves us and watches over us.

I think that one of the scariest parts for kids is seeing everyone else so upset and crying. I know that's pretty much unavoidable, but one of my nieces (she's 7) told me that she was sad to be around Grandma because she just cried all of the time. It's just a hard situation. I definitely would encourage any conversation that the children want to have. They usually have a lot of questions while they try to wrap their minds around what is going on.

As far as the viewing...personally I agree with Max...I'd MUCH rather remember the person alive than having the image of them in a casket in my head. To be honest, I couldn't bring myself to go see my dad like that, and I am glad I didn't. My memories of him don't include that image. I think, if it were my children, I wouldn't take them unless they expressed an interest in going. But that's just my opinion.

Good luck to you and your family. I'm very sorry for your loss.



Dfennessey
Member

07-25-2004

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 11:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Well when my stepmother passed away a year and a half ago my sister in law let my niece go to the funeral and viewing (who was 7 at the time) only because it was a closed casket.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 11:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I'm so sorry for your loss Dana. My children were 9 & 7 when their great-grandmother, my grandmother, passed away I believe. I say I believe because I have blanked out the date. We were very close. But she had been sick and the boys knew that and my dh and I both told them about her passing. We all cried and talked. She didn't have a viewing because she donated her body to science so there was a memorial service which I took them too. I don't really remember asking them if they wanted to go or them asking to go, I just took them.

Now when their great-grandfather, my grandfather, passed away the following year, same thing with the telling. But there was a viewing before the funeral which we did go to. But personally I could only go up to see him once and only took the boys once even though there were a couple of times you could go before they closed the casket.

I'm glad we did do that though because it provided closure. Also kids are much stronger than we give them credit for.

Danas15146
Member

03-31-2004

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 11:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thank you all so much. I am just trying to find the words to tell them. They know that she has been very sick for many years - but this is still unexpected. She had lost her legs to diabetes in the last few years and suffered from severe dementa. I think I will try to stress that Grandma will always look over you and that in Heaven grandma can walk, isn't in pain and can eat whatever she wants to. Hopefully that will not come out sounding like Heaven is better than where they are. I am still undecided on the viewing and funeral. I want them to have the chance to say goodbye but I'll see how they react.

You guys are the best - thank you very much for your suggestions and kindness.

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 11:29 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
my mother died when holly was 7. the only viewing we had was when they brought my mother's body to the funeral home, prior to her cremation. my father, my husband and i were the only ones who actually viewed the body. i had nightmares for years over this viewing. we talked with my daughter about what the memorial service would entail, and what was going on with her grandmother. she stated at this time, after seeing how difficult this was for me, to not go to the memorial service. she said "i want to remember nana as she loved me." we have talked about this in recent years (it has been 7 years now since), and holly was glad she didn't have a part in the service.

talk to your children, find out from them what they want. although you may try to shield them, they also have feelings they may want to share that you are unaware of.


Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 11:30 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dana, I am very sorry for your loss.

Don't worry so much about saying good bye at the funeral. There are many other ways to say goodbye. When my son was very young, we floated a helium balloon with a letter to a deceased relative up to "heaven".

Seven may be old enough, but four, in my opinion, is too young to attend a funeral. If you don't want to split them up for that day, it may be best for neither to go.

I would be very cautious about what you tell them. I remember a friend of mine telling her 4 year old that her 6 year old brother (who died of leukemia) that the angels came to take him to heaven. The next time someone knocked on their door, she screamed hysterically and told her mother she was afraid the angels were coming for her!

It's best to explain death in very natural terms, you might also talk about getting old, not getting sick, or they may be afraid the next time they get sick. :-(

Most of all, try to do less talking and more listening. Let them ask, and be very calm and matter of fact about their questions, and encourage them to ask. That will help you gage what they are thinking and what explanations they might need.





Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 11:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Aw Dana, I am so sorry.

We did the same thing with the helium balloons and it was totally awesome and at the same time heart breaking! You tell them that it's ok to be sad and cry, that their loved one will always be with them and watch over them and that just because they aren't there in person doesn't mean they can't still talk to them. But it wasn't until we wrote letters and drew pictures and tied them on balloons to let them float to heaven that it really connected for them that they could still speak to grandpa even if he couldn't speak back. It was their chance to say how much they loved and missed him and a way to say good bye.

Our kids were four and a half and two when grandpa died. We kept it very simple and honest since they were so young. Grandpa's heart was sick and he died, but he's in heaven watching over you and his heart isn't sick anymore. He'll always be with you and always love you. We had many talks with them about it and answered out of the blue questions that popped up occassionally. There were lots of times my son especially (being older and very close to grandpa) would just climb up in our laps and cry or want to snuggle.

Skootz
Member

07-23-2003

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 3:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I am sorry for your Loss Dana. Our kids ages 7, 6 & 3 have all been to viewings. I was taken to many when I was a child and I am glad I did. When my father died 10 years ago one of my friends had never been to a funeral home and was more upset then me as she had never seen a dead person.

I feel it is a fact of life. When we go there, I tell them that they have to be quiet and when we leave you can ask all the questions that you want.

Have the kids make a card/picture for Grandma perhaps with a little picture of the kids included in it and it could be taken to the funeral home. Grandma could always take it with her to her final resting place so she will always be near her grandchildren.


My grandmother is 98 and if she died, I wouldn't think twice about not taking the kids. They need to learn to say good-bye too.


Eeyoreslament
Member

07-20-2003

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 5:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I am sorry for your loss Dana. I hope this evening goes well, and the conversation and the answers just flow.

I am a person who did not know ANYONE who dies until I was 24 and lost my great-grandmother. The whole thing was so much to deal with. The death, the family, the viewing, the ride in the "family funeral limo", the burial. Every step of the way was new and hard. I never knew what to expect, and every part of it was hard on me. Looking back, I wish I had known people who died when I was younger, so I could at least have been familiar with the "process".

I personally say the kids should be allowed to go, and be allowed to decide for themselves either way. It is interesting to see so many differing opinions about this topic. I am not a parent, and so maybe my opinion isn't educated enough. You know your children best. Talk to them, let them know what will be happening over the next few days, and let them decide how much of it they are ready to experience.

At the same time, allow yourself to grieve too. I am sorry for your loss.

Graceunderfyre
Member

01-21-2004

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 6:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dana sorry to hear your news :-( I'm gonna put in my two cents even though you've gotten a lot of great advice. I personally did not get to go to either of my grandparents' funerals and many of my close relatives because they were buried in India. (Because of the lack of refridgeration, they bury within 2-3 days and it takes about 2 days to get there so we don't even try) It's really hard for me sometimes because I never got to say goodbye to them. I often feel like my grandmother is just off some place else when I'm visiting and it's been over 10 years since she died.

I don't think the feelings come from not seeing her dead. I have pictures of her wake and funeral. I think it comes from the fact that I was all alone in America at summer camp when it suddenly happened. So I had no one to grieve with. My parents offered to pick me up and take me to be with the family as they held a memorial service but for some reason my teenage mind thought it would be better to tough it out at camp with my friends.

I personally am not fond of seeing dead bodies. I've never seen a person look the way they did in real life. But I am a strong supporter of greiving together so I would def. take your kids with you. Whether or not they go in to see the body is something you have to see if your kids are ready for. I def. think it'll help process what's going on if they can be with others.

Pamy
Member

01-02-2002

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 8:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
(((Dana and family)))

Danas15146
Member

03-31-2004

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 9:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thank you all so much. It has been a very difficult couple of days here. We let both kids go to the viewing. Justin only went 1/2 day - Samantha wanted to go back in the evening. She spent most of the day standing by her "turtle grandma" patting her hand and talking to her. Kept pausing during the conversation like she was getting an answer. Justin wanted to go to the funeral but Samantha wanted to go to school so we let her. Probably best that she sticks to her routine as much as possible.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. Kar -- thank you especially for mentioning the not saying because grandma was sick. I was all set to remind them of that not realizing how much that would frighten them as they can't distinguish between sick - I have a cold and sick - heart disease, diabetes, etc. I am sure I would have just made the situation worse.

Justin did have a bit of a problem going to school today because he thinks that he is going to come home and find out that someone else died. But we are getting through little by little.

Thanks again to everyone for their friendship - it means more than I can say.

Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 10:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{{{Dana}}}}

Thank you for letting us be there for you. You sound like a very attentive and loving mom - in the end, that's the message your children get, and what will get all of you through this difficult time. Hang in there.

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 10:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{{Dana}}} I am just reading this. So very sorry, hon. Glad you got some lovely advice and caring here.

Vacanick
Member

07-12-2004

Monday, March 21, 2005 - 9:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dana ... I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like you've been a very loving mom ... and that's what children need to hear.

After my mother passed 2 years ago, my then 6 year old son started asking lots of questions. I went to our local Christian book store and got a book. "What will grandma wear in heaven?" "Why can't God make grandma better and send her home?" "Will our pet's go to heaven as well?" Just the other day he asked "Why do people have to die?" It amazes me how he thinks, but it's my responsibility to give me as much information as possible and reassure him. At first I was worried about finding the answers, now I enjoy the opportunity to discuss his concerns.