TVCH FORUMS HOME . JOIN . FAN CLUBS . ABOUT US . CONTACT . CHAT  
Bomis   Quick Links   TOPICS . TREE-VIEW . SEARCH . HELP! . NEWS . PROFILE
Archive through March 22, 2005

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Mar. ~ 2005 May: Parneting Room (ARCHIVES): Help, what to do when your child is contantly coming home complaining about another friend.: Archive through March 22, 2005 users admin

Author Message
Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 9:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Ok, by the title of this thread most people will say, just ignore it. That is what I have been doing since school started.

Here is the problem. Hilary has been best friends with a girl since almost her first week of school, that is almost 6 years. This year Hilary has matured a lot more than her friend. They used to be inseparable, but now Hilary has made friends with other girls. Samantha felt left out. Hilary used to come home at the first of the school year complaining because no one liked Samantha and she would get mad if Hilary played with her other friends. We had a talk about it and I told Hilary that Samantha was feeling sad and left out and that as a good friend she should make sure that Samantha was included in the playground and on weekends they could do some things just the 2 of them. That worked for a bit.

Hilary started coming home saying Samantha was making up lies and also tattling to the teacher. Again I tried to tell her that maybe Samantha was just feeling bad and to be patient.

Then the phone calls started coming from Samantha's mom. Samantha was telling her that Hilary was being mean to her and wouldn't play with her. I talked to Hilary again and she told me that Samantha wanted her to play with no one else and she would get mad and run off when the other girls came around sometimes. Ok, before anyone says it, I don't believe half of what comes out of kids mouths so I spoke to the teacher and the playground supervisor, asking if Hilary was playing with Samantha and if they seemed to be getting along. They said they would keep an eye on it and soon confirmed what Hilary told me.

I pick Samantha up at her sitters for ballet lessons, and Samantha started telling Hilary, I am not going to ballet. Hilary came home and told me so I didn't pick her up. that night I get a call from Samantha's mom, asking what happened and Samantha told her mom that Hilary told her that we didn't want to drive her. About 2 weeks later the same thing happened but this time I called Samantha's mom to see if she was going, she was and had lied to Hilary.

These are just some of the things that happen, Hilary comes to me and asks what to do, I tell her to try and get along.

Well today was kind of like the last straw. I picked Hilary up for lunch and she said "samanta said that she wasn't getting a drive with me to ballet anymore, that her Dad didn't like Hilary and Her mom said Hilary wasn't a nice person. That was before school went in. At recess she tells Hilary that her mom said she could have Hilary over for the weekend.


Hilary said to me, Mom I don't want to be her friend anymore, do I have to. I told her no she didn't. She asked if it was ok to tell her that she wasn't going to be friends anymore because of all the lies Samantha tells. I told her yes if she really feels that Samantha tells lies about her and if she really did her best to include Samantha she could say that.

I don't know what the heck to do or say. I know I am going to get a call from her mom tonight. I have had so many. I have never told Samantha's mom anything Hilary has said to me because I just don't like to get involved in kids spats and let them work it out themselves but I am tired of telling Hilary to try harder. Quite frankly I don't want to deal with it any longer. Kids are kids, Hilary is no saint, so I am sure she can be snotty to Samantha, but on the other hand Samantha's mother has talked to me about the problems she has with Samantha's lying. Anyway, what the heck should I say. I really like this woman, she is a very good person and I don't want to say things about her child and hurt her feelings. Any advice.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
It never pays when parents get involved in kids issues, that is just my view. Your daughter has moved away from an earlier friendship. I dont know if I would counsel her to tell the other girl that she doesnt want to be her friend anymore. I dont see any reason to cause hurt even if the other child is mean. I would tell her to just keep her distance, not be mean and carry on with her own friends and interests. If Samantha asks about why she isnt playing with her anymore, I would recommend the pat answer, I am busy. Let things die a natural death.

Samantha isnt your daughter's responsibility nor is her mother.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:04 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
How old are the girls? I'll guess 11 or 12. I don't think you can do much except tell Samantha's mom what you know. I would talk to Hilary about being as gentle/kind to Samantha as she can, but Hilary is not responsible for Samantha.

Not sure that is much help. But I don't think is there is a good solution. I think you've done all you can do with telling Hilary to be kind and patient. It may be time for Hilary to break ties with Samantha....

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I agree with Maris.

Max
Member

08-12-2000

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
"Samantha's mother has talked to me about the problems she has with Samantha's lying."

This is the key for me. Samantha's mom apparently already knows the lying is a problem. I think you need to have a serious talk with her about the situation and help her find a way to get some help for Samantha. Something is bothering that kid and the lying is a symptom, possibly a cry for help. She needs to get some help now or there will be hell to pay when she's older.

If the tables were reversed, wouldn't you want the other mother to tell you? This isn't a problem, it's an opportunity. I think you've done an excellent job in helping you daughter through her part; now it's your turn to help Samantha and her parents. Even if it's not well received, at least you will have tried. But since Samantha's mom has talked to you about it before, I'm betting she'll be receptive and she's probably at her wit's end trying to figure out what to do. Having someone to talk to and work together with towards helping Samantha might be just what she needs.

All the best. :-)

Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I agree with Maris too, and that is exactly what I told her to do and that is about the time the mother started calling me.

They are 10 almost 11.

I hate this, Hilary is so darn soft hearted, it bothers her that someones parent may not like her. My other girls would have just dealt with it, and ignored the girl and said her loss. Hilary is a very gentle child, almost too much. She needs to grow thicker skin I think.

Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Yes Max, I would want to know, but it is awfully hard to tell someone that your child is lying to you and telling her friend that if she doesn't do what she wants she will tell her mother that she is being mean.

I don't know what to do. I asked Hilary if she would like to call Samantha and her mother and we could all sit down together and work it out and she was more than willing to do it. This is one of the reasons I believe her.

One part of me want to just ignore it and then because Hilary is coming to me asking for help I feel like I should try.

Just now the phone rang and it was Hilary asking if she could go to a friends house. I asked her if she talked to Samantha and she said no, (whew), I told her to ignore it and I would have a talk with her mom.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I am with Max.
Why not invite the mother and child over to talk this all out. It will get everything out in the open. It will take alot of power away from the child, give the mom valuable info needed, and show Hillary that you support her.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
You don't have to set up the meeting as a way to prove the child is lying but more "our girls seem to be really having some issues right now, why don't ya'll come over and see if we can sort this all out"

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I like Max's answer a lot. And texannie's too.

Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:41 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Here is my problem, I agree with Maris and Mocha, and I agree with Max and Texannie. I have to do one or the other but I don't really know which. Maybe I will just move. lol

Max
Member

08-12-2000

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:44 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I'd take the kids out of the conversation and just have it be between the adults. I really think this is a problem the adults need to deal with. The kids just brought it all to your attention, but it's not your daughter's issue to resolve -- it's for adults to deal with and help Samantha find a better way to move through the world.

As for how to do it, make a call to the mom and say you'd like to get together and talk (don't know if there are dads in the picture or not, but if there are, they should be part of this, too). Set it up for a time when the kids are otherwise occupied and not in the house. Start by telling her that you are there to talk parent to parent with nothing but the best interests of all your kids in mind. Remind her of the time she told you she was concerned about Samantha's lying and say that you share her concern. Then tell her the basics of what you know, including the fact that you asked the teachers to keep an eye out and verify a couple of things for you. You want her to understand that you aren't jumping to conclusions and that you aren't accusing her of being a bad parent or her child of being incorrigible. You are there to help her understand that the lying is getting worse and to try and help her find solutions to change her daughter's behavior.

More than anything, the motive for this meeting needs to be that you want her child to be as healthy and well adjusted as your child is. You are there as a responsible, supportive parent reaching out to help another responsible, supportive parent through a difficult situation.

Hope that helps.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
LOL!!! you really want to have to pack?
My dd has had some issues with one girl. I started out in Maris and Mocha's camp until it got to a point that the parent had to be brought in for my child's sake. It is very hard when the grownup get involved, and it definitely messes things up sometimes, BUT sometimes our children don't have the tools or ability to just walk away and ignore a situation. As parents, we have to protect them. I think too since the mom has expressed her concerns to you, you are not overstepping any boundaries.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Max, the only problem I see with just having the parents talk is that then the mom has to go back and verify the actions with the daughter. If this child really has truth issues, the child can manipulate the conversation. The child can also go back to Hillary and say things her mother said without being able to verify they are true.
If all parties are present and trying to 'make the friendship' work, there is no way Hillary can refute what was said.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
You never really said whether you want the friendship to continue? Do you really want to get in the middle of helping these parents solve their problems with their kid?

Max
Member

08-12-2000

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 10:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Except that this isn't about the friendship and making it work -- that ship has probably sailed (it would have for me anyway).

It's now about discovering why Samantha has developed a pattern of lying and figuring out how to change that.

Since her mother has come to you before and said she is concerned about the lying, she's probably not all that concerned with the details of each individual situation. It's the bigger picture that's at issue.

I'm betting that she is wishing and hoping that someone would come along and offer support and assistance. I'm betting she is at her wit's end with the lying (which is probably much more pronounced within the family than what you've seen) and that she has no idea what to do to stop it. I'm betting that you might just be a lifeline for this family.

Of course, I could be wrong, but what do you really have to lose in the trying? On the other hand, just walking away could mean that Samantha has everything to lose in her future.


Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 11:04 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    

quote:

It's now about discovering why Samantha has developed a pattern of lying and figuring out how to change that.




That's the issue that Samantha's mother has to take up with Samantha. The mother already knows it's an issue so to me there's no need for Ll or Hillary to get involved with it anymore.

Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 11:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
And that Mocha is exactly why I told Hilary it was ok to tell Samantha that as long as she was going to keep lying to her and about her that she didn't want to stay friends but if Samantha would stop lying she would be her friend.

I think I will just step back and let the kids work it out and if the mother calls tell her that the 4 of us could meet if she and Samantha wanted to. I don't want Samantha to be hurt and I know she is hurting because Hilary has moved on to other kids and not just her exclusively but one of the reasons for this is Samantha's lying. Vicious cycle. I don't think it is my job to save this child but I also don't want to see her get hurt. Maybe when the mom calls I will tell her what Hilary has said and leave it up to her to do as she likes but offer the meeting if she wants it.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 11:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I agree with you Mocha.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 12:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
why I told Hilary it was ok to tell Samantha that as long as she was going to keep lying to her and about her that she didn't want to stay friends but if Samantha would stop lying she would be her friend.


great advice!!

If this is 'just another mother', I agree it's not up to you to parent her child, but I thought ya'll were friends. I appreciate advice from my friends. I also seek advice from my friends when I have issues with my kids that I don't know how to handle. How is posting and offering advice here any different than offering that mom some comfort and advice, since she asked???

Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 12:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
We really aren't friends. Hilary and Samantha have been friends since first grade. They go to ballet together, play soccer together, and have been playmates since then. Her mom and I don't socialize other than to sit together at ballet or soccer games. So we aren't friends but friendly with each other. She is a very nice person and I do like her but I don't consider her a close friend so I don't feel comfortable with this whole thing. On the other hand she has no problem calling me when she feels there is something I need to know. I just don't work that way, I try really hard to stay out of kids stuff. She mentioned the lying once because Samantha's mother told me she couldn't have chocolate, and then later Dh bought them hot chocolate at skating and I mentioned to Samantha that her mom said she wasn't allowed chocolate and she told me that her mom only meant chocolate before meals. I took the hot chocolate and got her another drink anyway. When I mentioned this to her mom she told me that Samantha knows she can't have chocolate at anytime and it was then that she mentioned that she didn't know what to do about her lying all the time, and that it was a problem. She mentioned it again when Samantha had started telling her she had no homework and she would call me up to see what Hilary had. Samantha's teacher had called her about Samantha not doing projects and completing her homework. The mother knows her child lies, but I still don't want to say that to her.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 12:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Then you don't need to say anything because this mother already knows. The mother needs to talk to her child's teachers or guidance counselor about how to handle it then.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 12:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I would think the kid has other issues and who knows what goes on inside that kids house. Sounds like she is having issues at school and the lying is more symptomatic of another problem which is more the purvue of the school counsellor. Maybe the kid needs counselling and that is something the school should be suggesting.

I would just ensure that your child doesnt contribute to this childs problems by saying anything hurtful but it isnt something either of you can cure.

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 12:58 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Mocha you and I think alike on this one.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 1:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I feel very close to my kids' friends' parents since we've all been together since PreK. I would appreciate any input if I was having a problem, but LL, you've gotta do what you feel comfortable with.
I guess I still don't see the difference between offering advice and counsel in person versus the internet! LOL