Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, January 26, 2005 - 4:57 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, January 26, 2005 Twice: Once too often. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to fidget. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 4:23 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Thursday, January 27, 2005 The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes Gary Larson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes." Or, in this case, wheezes. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing! Libra (September 22 - October 22) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction." Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, January 28, 2005 - 4:28 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, January 28, 2005 "If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." -- Vince Lombardi -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Bad day to tease a yak. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop." That's a bad habit, anyway. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 4:50 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, January 29, 2005 Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. Oliver Herford -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, January 30, 2005 - 11:21 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, January 30, 2005 "Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, _The Little Prince_ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, January 31, 2005 - 4:20 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, January 31, 2005 "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -- Dave Barry -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip." Sounds like party attire to me! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 01, 2005 - 4:17 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 1, 2005 For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on car rooftop. Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake." I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 01, 2005 - 4:20 pm
being a virgo i'd rather go bowl 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 02, 2005 - 4:19 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 2, 2005 "I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her." -- New York City detective -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 5:09 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 3, 2005 "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." -- Goethe (1749-1832) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) T his is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven." Humor them -- act impressed. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 04, 2005 - 4:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 4, 2005 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, February 07, 2005 - 8:26 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, February 7, 2005 "It's a good idea to keep on good terms with everybody, but especially with your wife, your banker, your stomach, and your conscience." ~ Rita Rudner -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwea
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 4:59 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 8, 2005 A do-it-yourselfer starts to make progress only after he learns what not to do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll have a brilliant idea, but nobody will take you seriously. You should be able to will them over with pure logic, however. There must be millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there - how many of them wouldn't want an itsy bitsy chainsaw? Maybe if you start off with the little teensy shovel and wheelbarrow? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's nice that you've made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though - or you wouldn't keep nodding off while talking with them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. ============================================
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 4:43 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 9, 2005 Indecision is the key to flexibility. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity."..er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 5:04 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 10, 2005 "Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." -- Truman Capote -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 11, 2005 - 4:55 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 11, 2005 Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine. ~ Robert C. Gallagher -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, February 14, 2005 - 4:28 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, February 14, 2005 "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton." (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 15, 2005 - 4:25 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 15, 2005 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. Pisces February 19 - March 20) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 16, 2005 - 4:15 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 16, 2005 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)... Leo (July 23 - August 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of rodents. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 17, 2005 - 4:28 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 17, 2005 "Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep." -- Fran Lebowitz -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, February 19, 2005 - 11:26 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, February 19, 2005 A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty. Rudyard Kipling . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Deny everything. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun! Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help). Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 22, 2005 - 4:44 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 22, 2005 Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of galoots, today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 23, 2005 - 4:21 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 23, 2005 "There are two sides to every question because when there are no longer two sides, it ceases to be a question." Herbert Samuel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of celery. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone. --
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 24, 2005 - 4:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 24, 2005 "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in "Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit" by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 25, 2005 - 4:33 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 25, 2005 "A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece." -- Ludwig Erhard -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John." Libra (September 22 - October 22) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...
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