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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 10:53 pm
My daughter is three years old and goes to pre-school. One of her classmates had a party last week. We were verbally invited and were told to watch for an invitation to be put in my daughter's school cubby. The mom of the birthday child brought the invites to school the day before the party, a friday and the last day of class. She did not bring one for each child, and was stopped from placing them into cubbies for that reason. The school has a policy that you have to invite all the children in class (total of 14) if you want to hand out the invitations that way. Most of us did not go because we did not have the info on time and place, etc. I hear that the party was pretty sad. The reason this person did not invite everyone in the class is because her daughter doesn't play with everyone in the class. Naturally some kids get closer to some classmates then to others, but they still are all classmates. Also, rumor has it that the two girls not invited were not so because of class (money)reasons and/or race. I am wondering if perhaps we would have been invited if I had not run into this mom in the hallway by chance. My daughter doesn't play much with her daughter (Thank Goodness). We are going to have a party in March. I would love to not invite this family just so they can see how it feels. I know that I won't do that because being the adult, I have to set a good example for my daughter. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? I am pretty blown away that this is happening to kids who are age 3 and 4.
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Hippyt
Member
06-15-2001
| Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 11:06 pm
No. I have never invited school mates to any birthday parties. We stick to family and neighborhood friends.
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 11:43 pm
Nope, like Hippy we don't invite school mates for the most part. Between family, friends and neighborhood kids, we have too many as it is. The only exception is one little boy who is a classmate of my son, he lives down the street, the boys play together at home, so he would be invited regardless of being in the same class. I'd rather take treats to the class and let them all enjoy and celebrate there. Much easier and it's a fun treat for the kids.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 7:24 am
I think it's kind of sad (even ridiculous) that rumors are being started at all. That has to be all on the parents cuz I am sure 3 and 4 year olds are not starting any rumors and are not even aware of race or money/class. I think the school is right in an either all or none policy (for invitations to be passed out at school.) If someone wants to invite only some kids, the invites should be mailed to their house... It can be very hurtful to the kids that aren't invited to see those invitations in other kids' hands..
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Schoolmarm
Member
02-18-2001
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 7:49 am
When I was a kid, we invited all of the girls (for me) or all the boys (for my brothers) in our class to our birthday parties. Sometimes we invited other friends who didn't go to our school. If we had a skating party or something like that, then the whole class plus special friends from church or ball would be invited. We didn't have any family within 400 miles, so that was out. Unfortunately, we were about the only ones who did this (invite everyone). My Mom would even take kids home if they needed a ride. I remember taking one little boy who lived in a really bad trailer in the country home. His Mom thanked us so much for inviting him because he never had gotten to go to anyones house.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 8:00 am
Here's my take: Until the kid asks for friends at a party, why go that route. My ds is 5 and so far has only had family and some neighbors at his bday parties. As he gets older (I THINK) I will handle it this way, either one or two (or maybe three) close friends and we do something very fun and maybe more expensive. OR all the BOYS in his class get invited to a 2 hour party at the house. (Defined start and end time.)
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 8:11 am
When my son was younger the nursery school and also junior school had a policy about no birthday invites to be distributed in school unless all the children were invited. It was even written in the school "advice to parents" that if parents were having a birthday party all the children should be invited or all girls and all boys. I agree with that policy. We stopped the organized parties in third grade (his choice) and just took him and his best friend out for a day of his choice.
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 9:06 am
Julieboo, I cut and pasted this from the Teachers In The Know tread to explain more of this situation: A situation has come up at pre-school. One of my dd's classmates has been telling everyone that black people are ugly and that white people are beautiful. Also, she has said that black people are for helping white people. I personally witnessed this child handing over her backpack to a dark skinned child and telling her to put it away for her. This was before I knew of the situation. Now that I do know, I can't just be quiet and let it continue. I have a meeting in the morning with the director, and I really don't know where to begin telling her about this. She is new, and I am very sure she is not aware of what is going on. The actual teacher of the class is pretty naive and I doubt that she understands what is going on. What would you do?
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 9:09 am
Since we had a part of 120+ people last year, it will be a small party this year with only 20 some there. Schoolmarm, I loved your story! I want to be that kind of mom! 
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 9:28 am
I would never send selective invites to a school, and I applaud any school that has rules against that! That is just plain rude. It's just a fact of life, you can't invite everyone to your party. I have told my kids we do not talk about parties at school.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 1:19 pm
Well I think I would just tell the teacher and not make a big deal of it--YET. If it is something that continually happens, then yes, make a huge stink of it. But those kids are so young that most are probably unaware that kids even are different "colors." I know my 5 year old (who has gone to school since he was 3 with all sorts of nationalities, from asian, black, hispanic, white...) really never pays any attention or notices... I think if so much attention is drawn to this then the kids will really start looking and noticing things like skin color that they may not if no big deal is made. I do think the teacher should maybe feel the kid in question out. How do you know the kid is not just bossy in general? What difference would it make if the bossy kid told a white kid to put the backpack away?
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Seamonkey
Member
09-07-2000
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 2:13 pm
Julie, from Deesandy's description, this kid is telling people are ugly and for helping white people.. I don't see how DS can possibly just ignore that if her daughter (or other kids) are hearing that trash. Seems like a real learning opportunity anyway. If the teacher is naive, she needs a reality check and if she is just ignoring this, she needs to be called out on it. Of course it is likely being fed to the child by someone.. and that should be determined before the poison is spread further among the kids. When I was a kid, I certainly don't remember invitations going out in school.. the moms knew each other and I'm sure we mailed little invitations out. I had a party every other year (and my brother had one the other year) and that was more than anyone else. I don't think my parents saw it as having to be equal and I think I got invited to any party that those girls would have. We didn't have local family so my parties would include the girls in my grade and girlfriends on my block from different grades. Oh, and my brother.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 2:58 pm
I am certainly not saying to ignore that at all. (Sorry if I didn't make that more clear.) My point is to make the teacher/prinicpal/director aware of it. After that, tell your own child that people come in different colors and no one is ugly, etc. It is so sad that someone is poisoning some little child's mind with that garbage in the first place. Kids are taught to be prejudiced. I swear my son has no clue that his best buddy in school is biracial. When this kid is telling "everyone" this, where/what situation is it in? Is she/he going from kid to kid or is it in the classroom or what? That alone could make a big difference too in how it is handled.
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 4:07 pm
Not to take away from the birthday subject... The child in question has mentioned to her classmates [on the playground when it is hard for a teacher to listen in] about these things she has learned at home. It is a big deal and it is being handled with kit gloves at the moment. The problem I have with not inviting the entire class to what was a very openly discussed event that everyone knew about, is that one of the two girls not invited is dark skinned. It seems to me that would add to the difficult situation at hand even if that was not the parent's intentions. We do not have family nearby and our friends have become family. It is very possible that the children in my dd's life are the ones who could continue to share it all throughout her school life or longer. I believe it is important to include everyone who gets to spend what I consider to be a huge amount of time with her. Just my opinion...
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 4:18 pm
When my kids were little and the classes not so large, we did invite everyone. I could never imagine hurting someone over something as silly as a birthday party.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 5:13 pm
I give Dylan a choice. A day at an amusement park with 2 friends or a Party with as many as he wants. He usually picks the party. We invite his whole class(usually between 4-9 kids) and we invite the kids in the after school homework center, since he plays with them also. I just plan a party with a big attraction(jumper/slide, etc) and order pizza. It usually ends up cheaper than a day at Disneyland, no matter how many kids come. I have had parents tell me that we were the only party their kid got invited to and that makes the party soooo worth any price!! I have taught Dylan to greet each guest and thank them for comming. He usually ends up with friends that he didn't hang with before the party.
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Pamy
Member
01-02-2002
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 5:20 pm
ps, we also have games planned for the day that don't cost a lot of money (races, water ballon toss, etc) I try and have an activity an hour. I do the same for our adult parties. I hate going to a party and just sit around.
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Twiggyish
Member
08-14-2000
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 5:38 pm
Pamy, I agree that manners are very important! =) We invite according to the type of party. We've had skating parties with just 10 kids. Last year in June (prior to hurricanes), we had a Survivor party. My daughter invited all the girls from her class..although some boys (brothers of the invited girls) did attend. It was all set up at a campground, including tiki torches and a campfire. Politics are just not an issue at our school. Almost all the kids have small parties these days. I think it's a lot easier..LOL
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Teachmichigan
Member
07-22-2001
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 10:19 pm
My son has only been to one party that was an "entire" class party -- and hasn't had one himself. I can't see how I'd deal with 27 kids (short of assault and battery!)LOL His school has the same policy, though. NO invitations at school unless the entire class can come. We've tried to make sure he doesn't talk about his parties too much -- he usually just has 3 or 4 friends over to something like bowling or a Mario Kart tournament. Last year he had 6 kids at Chuck E. Cheese -- lots of fun, but still manageable. I'm kind of hoping that this year's party (his 10th b-day) will be one of the last -- and that we can "slim" it down to one really fun activity with one friend. We'll see. 
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Monday, January 17, 2005 - 6:13 am
I can see where there is a bid difference between inviting a pre-school class of 12 to a party and then having a class of 27 classmates to consider. I don't think we will be having big parties after pre-school! Although isn't it true that one third of invitations are no shows? That would help at least.
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Monday, January 17, 2005 - 8:24 am
With preschool - it was 14 - 17 kids and we have always invited the whole class. At the younger ages - they seem to be friends with everyone so it wasn't ever an issue. This year, not sure what we will do with DS bday -- first grade class is 24 kids and there are some that he just doesn't care for. I still feel bad not inviting everyone. If we decide not to - then we will mail them out. Both of my kids schools have a all invited or no invites at school rule. On the same subject, my son was invited to a party that he doesn't want to go to. I said that I would just call and say we had other plans that day. He informed me that was lying -- tried to explain that telling a little lie was better than saying we won't be at the party because DS doesn't really like your daughter. Is that a good enough explanation?
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, January 17, 2005 - 8:40 am
Dana, you aren't lying when you say you have other plans. Your 'other plans' are not to attend. You would be lying if you had to tell WHY you had other plans and didn't tell them the truth.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Monday, January 17, 2005 - 8:55 am
You actually don't need to give a reason why ds is not attending. How is the RSVP being handled? By a phone call? All you need to say is "Thanks for the invite, but Johnny won't be able to come to the party." Now if you are worried about the kids talking before the party, like if Johnny gets asked if he's going to the party and then someone asks why not, well I dunno... Maybe you can make a dentist appt. then!!!
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Monday, January 17, 2005 - 8:57 am
..and remember the parents are probably looking forward to at least a certain amount of invitees not coming...
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Monday, January 17, 2005 - 9:08 am
LOL Julie. I was looking forward to that the year we had 25 at the bowling alley and they all showed up!!!! What a day... Anyway I do feel bad because alot of the kids aren't going to the party either because of other plans or because they don't care for the little girl (she can be a little mean) but I don't want to force him to go to her party and I don't want to spend $$ on a gift for a child he doesn't like. Tex -- thanks! Now I don't feel so guilty. Fortunately my son doesn't play with her much at school so I doubt it will come up.
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