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Is there such a thing as too much pra...

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Mar. ~ 2005 May: Parneting Room (ARCHIVES): Is there such a thing as too much praise/love? users admin

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Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 9:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I tell my 5 year old several times everyday that I love him. I also tell him specific things I like about him. Every night before he goes to sleep he tells me I am his sweetie pie and the most beautifullest mom ever, etc. Of course I eat this up and tell him he's my sweetie pie, etc...

The other day he had his 5 year old friend over and they were playing chase when ds told his friend that he loved him. The friend did not really like it. I forgot what the friend said, but he got all afraid that ds was gonna kiss him or something. (this friend has an older brother as well as a baby sister and he's already kinda cynical for a 5 year old. Always pointing out things that are "for a baby" or "for a girl", etc.)

Do you think by telling him he is my sweetie pie and I love him so much, etc. so many times a day can be a bad thing?

What do you all think?

Yankee_in_ca
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 9:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I think you have a lucky, lucky boy.

Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 9:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I'm with Yankee.

You may have to modulate your language some as he grows older; and he needs to learn to modulate his language to be sensitive to his friends' differing sensibilities. But that's normal developmental growth.

But telling him good things about himself and reminding him how loved and precious he is, is exactly what a mom should be doing.

My son is ten, and I still tell him every single day, that I am the luckiest mom in the world, because he's my son. He still beams. But if I ever said that in front of his friends, he'd be mortified!

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 9:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thanks! So you don't think I am encouraging him to act "odd"? (for lack of a better word.) I mean there is no way I am going to stop telling him I love him, but I just wonder if I should tone down all the sweetie pie stuff? I really would hate too, cuz I imagine he'll start outgrowing that soon. But I wonder if I am encouraging him to act "geeky" cuz of it.

I just love that little critter so much. He is growing up way too fast...

Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 9:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Nah. I called my son "sweetie boy" till *he* got uncomfortable with it. They learn what's okay within close relationships and not in other relationships. And you can help that along by talking through the situation he went through with his friend recently. It's a necessary skill.

By encouraging sweet and affectionate language now in close relationships, you are doing his future spouse a big favor! :-)

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 9:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Well he wants me to be his future spouse! :-) He tells me he wishes I didn't marry daddy so he could marry me. Then he tells me he will always visit me even when he is married to someone else. He tells me he will always let me hug him even when he is big enough to smoosh me! And he tells me he will always love me! To the moon or to heaven or outer space... (now that i think about it, it sure would be nice if my dh told me he loved me half as often as ds does!!!)

Hippyt
Member

06-15-2001

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 10:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Kind of a goofy question Julie,lol. I tell both my kids and my husband how much I love them everyday. We hug,we kiss,we love each other.

Jimmer
Member

08-30-2000

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 9:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I don’t think you’re overdoing it at all Julie. We tell our girls this all the time. Sometimes with boys I think it can be harder because unfortunately a lot of society still teaches boys that they have to be “tough” and that showing emotion is a bad thing. I remember hugging my Dad when I was a little guy (probably about four years old) and I remember him asking me if I’d always hug him even when I got older. I never ever forgot it and I always did.

I rarely quote anyone else but the following was written by Lou Tice (he’s a motivational / performance speaker). It's for adults, but I think it expresses what love is all about.

How do you say, "I love you" to someone you care about? How do you express your feelings of love and affection to your spouse and other family members?

Florists would like us to believe that we should "say it with flowers," but I think there are better ways.

For instance: If you love me, compliment me often for jobs well done and don't downgrade me, but rather reassure me when I fail.

If you love me, listen to what I have to say without judging me or feeling like you have to solve all my problems.

If you love me, let me know when you feel low or lonely or misunderstood. It will make me stronger to know I have the power to comfort you.

If you love me, respect my silences. Alternatives for my problems, creativity and spirituality often come in times of quiet.

And, finally, if you love me, tell me so often, through your talk, your actions and your gestures.

Don't assume that I know it. Even if I act embarrassed or deny that I need it, don't believe me. Do it anyway. It is these things done consistently and consciously over the years that build a loving relationship and keep it growing. And, it is the absence of these things that rob life of its joy.


Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 10:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Julie, it is quite developmentally normal for your little guy to want to marry you someday at this age. He'll grow out of it, which you will need to support, despite your own sense of loss.

In preparation for that, you should gently remind him even now, that he can never marry you, but that you will always love him dearly as his mom.

Again, my son said much the same thing. Even at ten, he can't ever imagine wanting to move out on his own. But I know that time will come. I just tell him I love him very much too and that I'll always be here for him, whatever he decides to do. Knowing that one day he will very much want to have his own life, but today just enjoying the bond that we have.

Enbwife
Member

08-14-2000

Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 2:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I agree with the others. We tell Nate we love him all the time and give him hugs and kisses and always try to tell him what a good job he's doing when he is... etc. Now he is a very affectionate, sweet little boy. He always tries to hug and kiss goodbye the 6 yr old boy he goes to daycare with and Lucas gets all mad about it, but ends up giving in. It's very sweet. :-)

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 2:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I don't think you can ever tell a child you love them too much. BUT, I do think you can praise them too much. If you yea every single thing they do it begins to diminish the praise. It can also result in them needing external gratification. We always said 'doesn't that make you feel proud of yourself?"

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 2:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Show them as much affection as you would want them to show their children.



Jimmer
Member

08-30-2000

Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 8:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
One thing that we run into a bit of a problem with is our praise of our 3 year old and praise of our 5 year old. Of course, we have different expectations because of the age difference and our gushing praise over our 3 year old’s accomplishments often mystifies our 5 year old who naturally feels her accomplishments are greater. We are making some headway in explaining this to her and of course we gush over her as well.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 9:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
man, that is SO true! Jimmer, LOL
My oldest is always ticked when we praise our youngest for doing stuff he has done for years!

Hippyt
Member

06-15-2001

Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 9:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
My son is seven almost eight. This week his four year old sister was off with my Mother. He chose to sleep in my bed with me. No cuddling,he just wanted to sleep there.
Today at the park I wanted to hold his hand and he laughed and said,"not in public."
Remember these days,cherish them. They are short and sweet.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 6:22 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
In answer to the question, no.

Deesandy
Member

08-12-2003

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 6:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
No Way. Kids need that as well as lots of hugs. Building their self esteem early is huge and one of the best gifts you can give!

Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 6:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
To answer your question Julie, I will ask you a question. When have you ever gotten tired of being told you were loved and aprreciated, and when have you gotten tired of being told you have done a great job by the person that means the most to you. My 3 oldest kids are adults and I still tell them I love them, how proud I am of them and I don't plan on stopping soon.

Relax, your son sounds like a very loving little boy. I'd say he is also a very lucky little boy. I have neices and nephews that I don't think get the love, support and praise that they need and I always have some extra to give to them. That's how you get to be the favorite aunt. lol

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 12:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Okay, thank you for all your responses. And before you all start thinking I am a dope, I should rephrase the question. Of course there is no such thing as too much love or praise.

My situation is that my son tells me about every hour that I am his sweetie pie, he loves me to the moon and stars, etc. Of course I respond similarly and tell him (sometimes hourly) that I love him, etc.

My worry is that since he told his friend that he loved him (and friend then freaked) and because he is five, should I cut back at all. No way would I ever stop telling him such things, I just wonder if I should cut it back at all. I would rather not, and I am sure this phase will pass all too quickly and I will yearn for these days, maybe in a week or a month or a year. So I do appreciate these times and this phase. I just don't want other kids to think he is goofy....

Max
Member

08-12-2000

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 12:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Sounds like the friend has a problem, not your son. :-)

Maybe this is an opportunity to teach your son that it's okay his friend deals with feelings in a less direct fashion; many people do. Instead of feeling bad about it and/or suppressing his own feelings, this is a time to begin learning that sometimes we need to express ourselves differently in different circumstances to avoid misunderstandings.

Does that make sense? (It does in my head, but I'm not sure it does in writing! :-))

Wargod
Moderator

07-16-2001

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 1:36 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Julie, kids are always going to find something "goofy" about other kids.

Max is right, now is a good opportunity to teach him that people show affection differently and deal with feelings differently, but it's also a good opportunity to teach him that people are different in different ways, goofy to some, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being the same as his friends.

Now, sis and I grew up with bikers. They'd hug over a good looking bike they saw going down the street or a good play in Sunday morning football, but try to get an "I love you" out of them was futile. We knew we were loved, but it was more likely to get a high five than a hug, lol. Sis started dating bil and even as teenagers his family was very demonstrative with their feelings. If someone was leaving, they'd be hugged by the rest of the family, lots of I love you's, etc. Took sis and I both a long time to get used to it. Here it is 15 years later and we're quite comfy with it. Funny thing is, we're raising our kids the same way bil and his siblings were raised. Caleb won't hug me at school if anyone is around, but show him one of the cousins and they're hugging and missed you's even if they saw each other yesterday. Might have been very different and shocking to me at first, but I've kind gotten to enjoy not only knowing but being shown I'm loved.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 2:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I am with Max and War.
And, I am feeling a little paranoid that my too much praise comment was misinterrupted to mean none. I meant excessive. I have heard parents just go overboard to the point even the child doesn't believe it anymore. Also, I think kids need to learn to look to themselves for internal gratification rather than always seeking external...that can lead to all sorts of problems down the road.

Sunrvrose
Member

08-13-2001

Monday, March 21, 2005 - 12:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
You said,"The other day he had his friend over and they were playing chase when ds told his friend that he loved him. The friend did not really like it. I forgot what the friend said, but he got all afraid that ds was gonna kiss him or something."

You need to explain to your son that loving expressions are within the family.

Your child, and this is straight from Dr Laura, must be taught boundries. That adorable, loving behavior that the whole family just eats up, is a violation of the space other people. You need to tell your boy that we save our loving expressions for our family.



Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Monday, March 21, 2005 - 10:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Geez, that sounds a little harsh, :-) I tell my friends I love 'em all the time!

Perhaps the rules should be that you need to figure out what other folks boundaries are and respect them. There shouldn't be anything wrong with telling your friends you love them; it's just that kids are still learning about what it means to love someone - and it doesn't always mean kissing them.