Author |
Message |
Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 2:51 pm
Anyone a parent via adoption? Got a question for you.
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Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 5:30 pm
I seem to recall Nickoftyme saying he had adopted his daughter Tara, perhaps he may be able to help Texannie. 
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Max
Member
08-12-2000
| Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 5:34 pm
I'm not a parent, but I am an adoptee, if that helps. 
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 6:09 pm
tess is an adoptive parent also.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 5:57 am
I also wrote this in Tess' folder ....... was just wondering if this has happened to any adoptive parents. Max, an adoptee's perspective would be great too. Both my kids are. Over the years, my ds has asked questions, talked opening about his feelings on being adopted ect, we have met my ds' birth mom. His attitude towards her is that he knows what she did for him, but also knows that dh and I are his parents. (she's also very good about reinforcing that). My dd on the other hand seems almost obsessed with it. If she hears the city where she was born (and it's not some exotic place, just another suburb of Houston) mentioned on the news, she will say 'that's where I am from' or even when a school bus with that city on it passes by 'that's where i would go to school'. Now, she never lived in this city, was just born in their hospital. She talks about she is who she is because of them. Now, we talk about her height and eye color being genetics, but she will even talk about her intelligence and personality coming from them. She recently found out that neither of her birth parents went to college and her first comment was 'well, darn, guess that means i won't be smart enough to get in'. We had a long talk, but it just bothers me and it makes me worry for her. The older she gets, the more she wants to know about them, which is fine, but this couple didn't always make the best choices, and I don't want her always thinking their choices have to be her choices.
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Resortgirl
Member
09-23-2000
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:10 am
Annie, I'm adopted also. When I was in my early teen years I became quite obsessed with my biological mom. I think it's normal for girls to be more interested in that, then boys. In my experience anyway. I had very little information, so I would daydream about her being a famous movie star, or a russian princess.... I think it's normal to fantasize about that. I'm sure it's really hard for you though as the adoptive mom. I would just try to let her go through this normal phase, but support her in the sense of telling her that she is her own individual, unique and wonderful and she can be anything she wants to be. Who your parents are, whether bioligcal or adoptive doesn't mean that you have to be or do the things they have become or done. I'm sure you already know all these things though Annie, because you are a wonderful caring person/mom.... ((((((Annie)))))
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:18 am
Ah, thanks, RG. I try not to take it personally. I try to tell her that all the time and she just looks at me like I have two heads! LOL It gets frustrating cause I want to scream 'you are so much more than they are, you can do so much more with your life!' I do think it's more of a boy/girl issue. DS's birthmom has been great for her in that she has said 'i can't speak to your exact circumstances, but I can try to answer any of your questions about what a birthmother feels and thinks'. DD has had a couple of nice talks with her. I just worry for my dd (and I think this is where some of that fantasizng you talk about comes in) cause I don't think her birthmother and my sons' birthmother have the same perspective on adoption. One of our biggest fears when establishing contact with ds' bm, was how it was going to effect dd because she will probably not ever have that.
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Resortgirl
Member
09-23-2000
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:25 am
I would try not to tell her that she is more then they are. I think even though she doesn't know her birth mom, she might feel some protective of her and she could feel resentful if you put her down in any way. This has got to be so tough on you. I really feel your pain.... I think it's important that you wait until she passes the teen years to establish contact with her birthmom. I have a feeling if I had found my birthmom at say, 16-17, I would have been so enamoured with the idea that I may have turned my back on my birthparents... Waiting until she's older will give her the maturity to handle the emotions and be more realistic about the person her birth mom is....
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:29 am
I didn't mean it negatively, just more in the sense like you said that she can be anything she wants to be (more than all of us! LOL) I don't think it will be an issuing of making contact with her birthmother.
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Resortgirl
Member
09-23-2000
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:36 am
You know, even if your daughter wasn't adopted she'd be going through this teenage angst. She's just trying to figure out who she is and where she fits in this world. Being adopted just gives more to think about in terms of that. She'll be fine, you'll be fine.... it's just a tough road to adulthood. For all of us! I just reached it this year! LOL!
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:40 am
And she isn't even a teen yet! Ack! LOL The thing is, she has always had this perception. She's just able to vocalize it more now. I think the grades/intelligence bothers me more. It's not like she is copping out and not trying cause she thinks her birth parents weren't smart but more of a sad resolve that she won't be able to accomplish much because they hadn't.
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Resortgirl
Member
09-23-2000
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:46 am
Maybe you can tell her that sometimes circumstances keep people from furthering their education, and it doesn't mean that they aren't intelligent, successful people. And tell her how lucky she is that she doesn't have those types of circumstances holding her back. The skies the limit with her!! P.S. My daughter went through "teenage" angst at 11... and was pretty much done at 13.... We became very close in the years of 14-22.... 
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 6:51 am
Two more years then? LOL Yep, we do. Guess, I just need to reinforce it more.
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Max
Member
08-12-2000
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 8:37 am
Annie, my experienced is that every adoptee handles their situation in their own unique way. My brother never seemed all that interested in "where he came from" although of the three of us, his birth mother is the only one who tried to have contact (it was the 50s and the rules were very different; contact was NOT encouraged or even allowed). My sister had a very distinct phase in high school of bemoaning the fact that she was a "love child" and thinking that defined her. I had fantasies of who my "real" parents probably were that were totally out of left field and mostly centered in wanting to be "rescued" from the backhands my mom used to give me across the face. Of the three of us, I'm the only one who ever really did anything to find my birth mother, but that was in my 20s and primarily because I wanted health information. As far as your dd thinking that her birth circumstances define the possibilities for her life, I think some of it may be testing you and some may just be the teenage angst thing kicking in. (From what I hear from parents these days, that starts a lot earlier than it did when I was a kid. ) I remember a book by Marlo Thomas called " Free to be You and Me" that has lots of stories about how kids can be anything they want to be. It's been a long time since I looked at it, but I definitely remember that it was great at opening kids' eyes to the fact that all things are possible. Maybe you can get her that book or something similar and talk to her about it. I don't have kids, so everything I say is simply from my personal experience. It really sounds like you're doing a great job in helping both your kids understand that they are adopted and in providing them with as much information as you can about the circumstances that made them your chosen children. I think this is one of the added challenges of raising an adopted child and I don't think there's any one way to do it "right". 
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Vixeninvegas
Member
10-07-2002
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 9:56 am
I hope its okay to share this here. I'm adopted through a state adoption agency. I thank god every day that I found my way into my parents life & hearts at 10 months old.(also spoiled rotten & an only child). At 21 I decided to contact the state & see what I could find out about my biological parents. There was nothing behind it other than natural coursity. I found out so much yet so little. I had started in the construction industry at 16 as a recptionist & found that my biological father was a construction worker & my biological mother was a secretary. This was interesting to me. I also found out that they had a son togehter as well but kept cousty of him (I'm not sure if they were later married or not - really doesn't matter to me). That is the only thing that has continued to haunt me over the years that I have a sibling out there some where that I haven't had the opportunity to know. I never wanted to contact my biological parents (as I type this I realize that its odd to type "parents" about anyone other then my beloved mom & dad that raised me) but I do struggle with wanting to know my brother. My mom was also adopted when she was an infant so we have always shared a wonderful bond. One instance that sticks out in my mind was in elementary school a little boy was taunting me (kids can be so unkind at times) calling me the ugly "B" name for a child whose biological parents are not married. I went to the office & called my mom quite upset & my Mother came to scool and took me by hand & walked me back to class. She also went up to that little boy and said Pamela was choosen. I always liked that idea. One of my most prized possessions is a wall hanging that my mom (& best friend) got for me - I'm sure some of you have read this but for those of you that havent: Legacy of an Adopted Child Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you do not remember, the other you call Mother. } Two different lives shaped to make you one. One became your guiding star, the other became your sun. The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it. The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it. One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name. One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim. One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears. One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears. One sought for you a home that she could not provide. The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied. And now you ask me, through your tears, the age-old question unanswered through the years. Heredity or environment, which are you a product of? Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love. Wow Edited to say I don't post often & I'm not sure if this flows the way I meant it to... please forgive me for rambling.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 10:00 am
I have that poem in each kids' baby book!! I had forgotten about "free to be you and me". I will go check it out.
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Jan
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 12:20 pm
Annie, do you think maybe your daughter secretly is upset because your son knows his birthmother and she does not?? My sister just found our family a few years ago. Once she did , her relationship with her adopted sister turned very difficult as the sister was jealous. Now the sister has also found her birth family and things have smoothed right out. Could it be a bit of that? just a thought anyway. I hope you are able to find a solution to provide some peace of mind.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 12:31 pm
I think there is definitely some envy, but these comments happened before and after we met her (2 years ago). The intellgence comments have just been lately though. Thanks.
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Nickovtyme
Member
07-29-2004
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 4:58 pm
We adopted Tara when she was 4 months old. And without getting to involved, she's actually our neice. I'm really not much help on this subject, yet! Wait till she gets a little older and then I might have some help for ya. :D I can tell you that my wife and I have gone back and forth on whether we should tell her she's adopted or wait till she's old enough to understand it better, or not tell her at all. I think in time, it will be impossible to keep from it.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 5:07 pm
Oh, Nick, don't keep it a secret! How many other people know? You swearing them to secret too? Plus, a secret often times denotes something 'bad' associated with it. Her coming into your family was a blessing, something to be shouted from the roof tops!! My son went door to door when we brought our dd home shouting 'my baby is here, my baby is here!'(I love to remind him of this now that he thinks she is a total pest, and gee mom did we have to adopt her too???) We had a huge party the night we brought each child home....pretty hard to swear everyone to secrecy, plus ds brought dd to 'show and tell' for his classroom! LOL (him doing that opened up some really wonderful dialogs with other parents in the class and their children too) My kids have known they were adopted since the moment we brought them home. It's just part of their story. Now, how much they comprehended of that word changed as they got older. You don't have to go into all the details right away (my dd doesn't know all the details at her age of 11) but a simple all babies grow inside a woman's tummy, you grew inside another lady's tummy, but she couldn't be a mommy so you came to live with us and we were so happy'. There are some wonderful books to help you tell. Jamie Lee Curtis (an adoptive mom) wrote a wonderful book called "Tell me again about the night I was born".
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Nickovtyme
Member
07-29-2004
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 5:17 pm
Nope...nobody has been sworn to secrecy. I misworded what I meant...I meant informing her about her birth mother. That's all.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 5:18 pm
Nick I think if you tell her when she is very young, she'll always have known and it will never be "foreign" to her.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 5:26 pm
You mean who her birth mother is or that she is adopted?
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Ddr
Member
08-19-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 5:28 pm
Nick, how wonderful that you adopted your niece! I think only you and your family know what's best for your situation.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 5:32 pm
If I misunderstood that it was just who her birthmother was, I apologize. That truly is different. Please accept my apology. to everyone............
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Nickovtyme
Member
07-29-2004
| Monday, April 11, 2005 - 7:14 pm
Sure...Actually, I'm not sure what we're going to do. Like all situations, it's a bit touchy and were just going to take it a day/month/year at a time. Definately, when she gets older there will be alot of questions and we will have to cross that bridge when we get to it. But as for any help with your situation, I really don't have any..that's all I was trying to say.
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Denecee
Member
09-05-2002
| Tuesday, April 12, 2005 - 8:58 am
Since this is the Adoptive Parents thread, I'm not sure if this should go here, but I'll post it anyway. My DH was adopted by his father only, mom was previously married. Until he was 14, he wondered why he didn't look anything like his dad, but never asked about it. His mom waited until he was almost 15 to tell him that his dad adopted him! I know two other men who also thought thier dad's were their real fathers but found out at 14 they had been adopted. Each one, including DH, had or has anger pent up because they feel they were lied to their entire life. I know this is a different subject than what was being talked about but if anybody out there is having a hard time deciding to tell a child they were adopted, maybe they will change their minds. This post is not in response to any other post, just an observance of mind.
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