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Archive through March 28, 2005

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2005 Mar. ~ 2005 May: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through March 28, 2005 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, February 26, 2005 - 4:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, February 26, 2005


Stop: Drive Sideways.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.")

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.






Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, February 28, 2005 - 4:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, February 28, 2005


Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity."..er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 01, 2005 - 4:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, March 1, 2005


"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else." -- Will Rogers

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That's when you'll have to be a bit creative, if you don't want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say "I don't know - I don't really spend that much time on the porch."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.







Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 - 4:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, March 2, 2005

} If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Libra(September 22 - October 22)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.








Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 03, 2005 - 4:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    

The Daily Humorscope

Thursday, March 3, 2005



"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Try to put things in perspective, today. Basically, that means that things appear closer together, the farther away they are. That means that your problems are either big, or close together. Cool, huh?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.






Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 04, 2005 - 4:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, March 4, 2005


"I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special." --Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 07, 2005 - 4:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, March 7, 2005


"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else." -- Ogden Nash
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 08, 2005 - 4:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, March 8, 2005


"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." -- Oscar Wilde
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 09, 2005 - 7:52 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, March 9, 2005


"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." -- Sean O'Casey


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.




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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 10, 2005 - 4:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, March 10, 2005

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Beware of clams, today.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to sneak.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 11, 2005 - 4:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, March 11, 2005

-- "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- F. P. Jones

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.


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-







Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 14, 2005 - 4:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, March 14, 2005


The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.



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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 7:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, March 15, 2005


Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Paris hotel elevator

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to mumble.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.









Jmm
Member

08-16-2002

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 8:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Nancy,

Again, it's been much too long since I've taken the time to tell you how much I appreciate your humorscopes. Thank you so much for a much needed laugh every day.

Hugs,
Jackie

Vee
Member

02-23-2004

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 8:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Good idea, Jmm! I never miss mine and it's especially true today! LOL Thanks for the fun, Nancy.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 - 4:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, March 16, 2005


Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 4:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, March 17, 2005


Selfish, adj: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to fidget.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 18, 2005 - 4:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, March 18, 2005


Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
Honore de Balzac

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of celery.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 10:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, March 19, 2005


I is a college student.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 21, 2005 - 4:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, March 21, 2005


"If evolution works, it will eventually produce a pedestrian who can jump two ways at once."

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Beware of iguanas, today.

T\aurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery." Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 - 7:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
March 22, 2005

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. -- Mark Twain

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to act extremely childish.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia." He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of being cautious, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 - 4:36 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing.








Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 24, 2005 - 4:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, March 24, 2005


"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 25, 2005 - 4:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, March 25, 2005


'You know, said Arthur, 'it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young' 'Why, what did she tell you?' 'I don't know, I didn't listen.'
Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium." Don't take it lightly.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 28, 2005 - 3:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, March 28, 2005

A leapord never changes his stripes.
Al Gore

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...



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