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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 4:54 pm
How do ya'll handle it? Do you think it's best to step in and "nip it in the bud" or do you let them duke it out?
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Justavice
Member
07-12-2003
| Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 6:38 pm
Texannie, this question hits close to home. Not as a parent, but as one of the fighting siblings. And I am sure there are plenty of people who will agree and disagree with me, and that's ok. This is totally my experience and my opinion. My sister and I are 13 months apart. We shared a room throughout childhood and fought like cats and dogs. We had physical fights almost daily and the one thing that actually worked, and caused us to get along, was to lock us outside. Now, as a family therapist, I would never suggest this to a client as an intervention, but when my father locked my sister and me outside to (as you said)"duke it out", we were shocked, initially, and then talked about how mean our parents were. (Don't worry, we got over it pretty fast). Fighting was no fun when it was allowed and when it was recommended to solve the problem. They only had to lock us out to "work it out" one time for about 3 hours at night before we really got the message. Again, not really an intervention I would recommend as a clinician, but one I remember working as much as being spanked. Now, if the siblings fighting are a boy and a girl, that requires some education for the boy regarding how to treat females. I know that probably sounds sexist, but my brother used to beat the crap out of me and I know he is terribly ashamed of the fact that he ever did that and my father gave him the lecture and "belt to the butt" of his life when he found out.
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Reader234
Member
08-13-2000
| Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 7:45 pm
I saw how my mil raised her dd, they were also close in age... I was apalled when they were younger (elemntary age) and she refused to allow them to pit each other against each other in neighboorhood dealings... she scolded them telling them often "your sisters, friends move, sisters are forever" Well, I saw thier ins and outs, and yet they held something under it all.. so I tried that with my own boys... and it was tough... I didnt allow wrestling, when fights got ugly and they went to separate rooms, I listened, and reassured that their wsa love. One ugly fight (elementary age) oldest locked youngest in a tennis court, and a neighbor had a key and let him out... it was truly ugly... I took them home, sat them in a circle with the Bible in the middle, and we talked about family, seriously, I talked about 'my' values, what I loved about each of them... and I threw in the friends moved away... Its not perfect, its what I truly believe. My brother and I are not close, at all, not since 3rd grade, I wanted something different for my sons... So now, oldest is home, and I love the interaction they are sharing, its still a long road, and it is thiers to travel, but I hope that I have guided them with love... {{{hugs}}} its not easy, but its best to follow your heart!! and I agree with justavice, there will be those that will agree or disagree... and that's ok!!

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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 8:07 pm
Maybe it's a boy/girl thing versus same sex. My brother's two boys really get along. My daughter worships my son, but he really has no use for her. She is so desparate to get his attention that she will even take negative from him. Which of course drives him crazy cause she is purposely trying to provoke him. I am just really at a loss.
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Tabbyking
Member
03-11-2002
| Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 8:35 pm
when i finally got totally fed up with all the bickering, i told my kids--who were 7 and 5 at the time-- to take their two plastic baseball bats, go outside and duke it out and whoever lived through it would be an only child. they both said, "huh?! you're gonna let us fight?" and i said, "yep!" they both quit fighting right then. no fun if it didn't get to mom, i guess! i remembered a neighbor when i was a kid who had two boys who were always fighting. one day he bought and gave them boxing gloves and sent them outside to duke it out to the end...and they didn't do it. my son was always a little 'meaner' than his adoring little sister, but now that he has a girlfriend the same age as his sister, he is very nice to his sister and treats her as a mature young lady, not a kid sister!
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Happymom
Member
01-20-2003
| Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 12:06 pm
Texannie, is your son older? I ask because I have 3 girls age 13, 10, and 7. The older two are 3 yr. 2 mo. apart and 4 grades apart. The younger two are 2 yr. 7 mo. apart and 2 grades apart. They all get along ok, the oldest just doesn't see how she affects the other two. She doesn't get how they look up to her and want her attention. It has always been this way to some extent. The middle daughter should see it both ways, but doesn't. Even though she wants attention from her older sister, she doesn't get that her younger sister wants her attention. Well, she does just a little bit understand it. It more comes in to play when their friends are involved in some way. The younger two play really well together when neither has a friend over, but they also fight almost every day. So...about a yr. or 2 ago, I just refused to get involved. They do fight less. Sometimes I make them sit on the floor and stare at each other. I wish I'd thought of it years ago. They almost always end up laughing. Time outs from talking are a big thing in our house. The older two almost never got (or still get) time outs, but all 3 get time outs from talking if they get rude or mouthy or us too much negative attitude/tone. I know it would be easy to assume that since they receive these, that the time out from talking technique doesn't seem to be working, but I do feel that it does work. Not sure if it's because they are all girls and LOVE to talk. If they were boys or non chatty type girls, they might not mind the time outs from talking so much.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 1:27 pm
My son is 14 (15 in November). My daughter just turned 10 in March. Their relationship is pretty much based on his moods. IF he is bored, he will play with her and they get along great, if not..fighting. He also has a very high sense of right and wrong, and she tends to play fast and loose with rules and that grates on him tremendously.
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Secretsmile
Member
08-19-2002
| Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 7:43 pm
I've been trying to figure out how to post this without sounding like a freak, but here goes. For background, I have 3 children boy/girl/boy in that order. They are 15 months apart each. If I said my kids didn't bicker you know I'd be lying, but right from the first years I never allowed them to be mean to each other. My life theory is that our home was a sanctuary, each one of them was entitled to feel unconditional love and acceptance in our home. Both my husband and I shut down any behavior that contradicted that idea. When they were little we used time out, as they grew it became easier to just remind them of our house rules. The early teen years made it hard to balance their bad moods with our insistence they show love and respect or they stay in their rooms. (I was afraid each of them would never come out of their rooms at one point or another, LOL, but they came around.) My darling offspring are now 18, 19 1/2, and 21. They adore each other, visit each other at their colleges and plan weekends together. I don't know if this will last a lifetime but I am hopeful.
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Rupertbear
Member
09-19-2003
| Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 7:49 pm
Oh yes, Smile it will. You laid the foundation so well for them to relate to each other in a positive manner that you have cemented your children together with love. Kudos to you, kid...that's marvelous! 
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 10:38 pm
AGGGGGGGGGG, I've screwed up...
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Lkunkel
Member
10-29-2003
| Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 9:12 pm
How, Tex?
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 6:49 am
Just using the wrong parent tactic, I feel sometimes! LOL
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Rupertbear
Member
09-19-2003
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 7:38 am
Well, we all do what we think is the right thing, Annie. We all want to be the best parent we possible can and set about it with the 'tools', life skills and lessons we were taught. I did the same as Smile. My philosophy was always 'it's you guys, (my sons) against the world'. So, while of course kids get mad at each other, if you keep fostering the 'positive' aspects of being a sibling, eventually it sinks in. Sometimes you wonder if the things you taught them make any difference but once in a while something will pop up and one of them will say,'yeah, I got what you were trying to say, back then.' My four are extremely close. They are friends with each other, which I think is a biggie,lol! I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job with your children also...we all just have different parenting styles and ideas.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:05 am
But mine must not be working cause my kids aren't close and fight all the time. I am just so frustrated and depressed by it.
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Halfunit
Member
09-02-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:21 am
Texannie, if it's any consolation... My younger sister (by 27 months) and I used to fight like cats and dogs. I think I sent her to the ER 3 times, and she sent me once. Even during this period, we could still count on the other for cover stories with our parents. While it may have appeared we hated each other, we still loved each other. I don't see my sister as much as I'd like to due to distance, but we keep in touch through e-mail. We love each other dearly, and look back on the fighting and laugh. There's nothing we wouldn't do for each other.
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Rupertbear
Member
09-19-2003
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:27 am
Well, please don't think I'm telling you what to do, Annie but...I don't think it's ever to late, to change how someone thinks. Depending on their ages...well, first you appeal to the oldest as being more mature and setting a good example. But also make them realize that Mom & Dad won't be around forever but family is always there for you (even if ya get divorced! lol) Maybe explain to your son that if he would give his sister some positive time, playing Playstation or helping her with homework. Make him realize it is a compliment to him that his sister thinks so highly of him. Your daughter, depending on her age, maybe you can tell her because her brother is older, he has different interests and she is a big enough girl now not to expect him to have to 'entertain' her constantly. As far as enforcing behaviour, it would certainly be up to you to decide what or if there would be consequences to them contravening respectful behaviour towards each other. The important thing would be, you would have to commit to enforcing 'rules' if you were to lay them down. Consistency is the key, to children knowing what to expect. They will even test a rule immediately, to see if you're serious! lol Okay...I better quit blathering on here. Just trying to convey a little what worked for me.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:31 am
That's what's so frustrating! I have done that. I guess it just worries me because my brother and I were very much like this (but roles reversed). And we really aren't that close. I always envied close siblings. Maybe it IS a boy/girl thing.
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Rupertbear
Member
09-19-2003
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:39 am
Okay...it's just genetics then....ya must be Irish...you know...Fightin' Irish!!! roflmao ;) Ahhh, ya never know how these things will end, girl. They may realize in their late teens that family IS very important and all your anguish will be for naught. ((hug))
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Halfunit
Member
09-02-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:47 am
It might be more of an age thing. If your son is going through his changes, that may be shorting out his wiring and making him act different. At 10, your daughter may not understand why her brother is acting different, making her mad and then it turns into a vicious circle....??
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Wargod
Member
07-16-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:55 am
Different approaches work for different parents, Tex. I don't think there really are right or wrong answers. I use two approaches to fighting depending on what the cause of it is. If it's just a fight out of frustration, I make them hug each other until they stop. They have to be able to look at each other, apologize, and tell each other they love them and mean it before I let them stop. I know it sounds silly, but they have a lot of struggles and growing up to do and they have to do it with each other. The second is to send them to their rooms for quiet, alone time. I do that when I know they've just spent too much time together. Sometimes they just have to have time alone. Good luck, Tex! You're a good mom, if you weren't you wouldn't be worried about the fighting!
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Serate
Member
08-21-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 8:56 am
Texannie how you described your kids is how my brother and I behaved when younger. He's 3 1/2 years older than me. If he was bored we'd play great together. He used to pick on me terribly. He could beat the crap outta me, but let somebody even poke me and he'd knock them flat. Today we're pretty good friends, still have our times when we "hate" each other [alot of this stems from me having a hard head like my dad and brother instead of taking the "woman's" role and letting them rule] but we are always there for each other, good times and bad. These past 6 years my mom's been so bad especially. My folks didn't do anything special as far as I know. My mom would let us duke it out, fight and argue, unless he got too rough with me [he's always been alot bigger - as adults I'm 5'4" and he's 6'2"]. My dad, well what can I say, I'll admit I was his "lil gurl" and all I had to do was bat my baby blues at him. Thinking back that COULD be why my mom didn't intervene as much since I got my way when daddy was around. *L* I'm sure you're doing just fine and once they are older they will get along great.
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Serate
Member
08-21-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 9:00 am
I forgot to add on the duking it out: usually we'd get over it alot sooner if Mom stayed out of it. We'd end up laughing and plotting what we could do to startle Mom. When we got seperated we'd carry the grudge longer. BUT each kid is different as it has been said. With my fiance's kids I make them stare at each other and not say a word. They can't do it more than 2 minutes then they laugh. That would have NEVER worked for me and my brother.
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Happymom
Member
01-20-2003
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 9:07 am
My brother and I were very close all growing up. My sister and I never were, maybe because she is 5 yr. younger than I, my brother is 20 mo. younger than I. She and I are very close now and have been for the past 15 or so yr. Not close at all with my brother. It does make me sad a little, I tried for many yrs to stay close. He would never put in any effort...I wasn't even looking for close to half way, but he wouldn't put in any. What is even sadder is that it doesn't make me very sad anymore. There is just nothing I can do about it. I live in Ca, he in Oh, and my sis is in NC, so it isn't really the distance thing. I guess I am just trying to say that you never know what will happen in the future. I constantly worry some and wonder a lot about what effect today will have on the future for my kids. Just keep doing your best Annie! I just bought a book called "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me." (The subtitle is "The Solution to Sibling Bickering".) I haven't read a word of it yet, but maybe you want to check it out.
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Happymom
Member
01-20-2003
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 9:11 am
One more thing, I was living at home for 6 wks. between my college grad. and my wedding. My sister and I had a knock down drag out fight! She was 16 at the time. Anyway, we became really close after she grad. from college. I think you do have to just "let them duke it out" sometimes. They really are the best gifts to each other. They will learn so much about how to handle other people. They already have.
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 3:28 pm
I am of the view you can pick your friends but you cant pick your relatives. It is perfectly o.k. not to like a relative. I have an only child (which was a conscious and deliberate decision). Saying that, I think a certain amount of fighting is normal with young children and they will either grow out of it and find friendship or they won't. In the end it won't be your fault how they view each other, it will be because of their own decision whether they want to maintain a relationship.
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Serate
Member
08-21-2001
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 9:12 pm
Texannie 20/20 was about sibling rivalry tonight. I didn't get to watch much but toward the end they were talking about 2 boys fighting and how to handle it. If you're interested here's the link. About half way down the page is where they start talking about the boys fighting and what to do. http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/2020/Relationships/2020_birth_order_040521-4.html
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Saturday, May 22, 2004 - 7:36 am
Thanks!
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Marysafan
Member
08-07-2000
| Tuesday, June 08, 2004 - 11:09 am
My girls are five years apart, so we never had too much problem with physical fighting...but I reached a point where the name calling became unbearable. I made a deal with the girls that every time they called the other a name, they had to pay me a quarter. The other end of the deal was that every time they caught me saying a cuss word, I had to pay them a quarter. The bottom line is that they quit calling each other names, and I nearly went broke giving them quarters! Those girls were so smarter than me!
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