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Archive through November 02, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Free Expression... (ARCHIVES): JOKES (ARCHIVES): Archive through November 02, 2004 users admin

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Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 12:02 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that you can go to he**."


Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Saturday, October 09, 2004 - 10:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================

Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

And then she voted.


I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an Induhvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh. Pacific."

And then he voted.


So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

And then she voted.


I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests. One Induhvidual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And a few years later, he voted.


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.

And then she voted.


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

And then they all voted.


I was hanging out with a conservative friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

And then she voted.


My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."

And then he voted.


I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp" or some such thing. The cost with tax was $1.02. I only had a $5 bill. The clerk asked if I had two pennies. I said I didn't.

She said, "We'll take a couple from here," and got two pennies out of her penny cup at the register. She handed me back my change: $4 in bills. and the two pennies.

And then she voted.


My wife and I were trying to find a carry-on suitcase in one of those huge discount stores and had become hopelessly lost. We stopped and asked a department manager where we might find suitcases. Did you try in Luggage?" she asked, and returned to what she was doing.

And then she voted.


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

And then she voted.


After a meal at a nice restaurant, an Induhvidual, rubbing his stomach, said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm flabbergasted."

And then he voted.


My wife was shopping at a discount store and saw a pair of sunglasses marked at $0.00. She noted that it was missing one screw for the earpiece, but figured she could fix it. When she went to "buy" the free glasses the cashier looked very confused and called over a manager. After much "Induhvidual-speak" between them, they concluded that they couldn't sell my wife the glasses and had to throw them away.

My wife tried to ask why they wouldn't just give her the glasses if they were going to throw them away anyway, but the cashier wouldn't budge and threw them into the garbage right in front of my wife.

And then he voted.


Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 12:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
THE "LOST" CHAPTER OF GENESIS:_________________

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care
of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely
give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................


Karen
Member

09-07-2004

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 1:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?


There are no dental records, and all the DNA is the same.

Tabbyking
Member

03-11-2002

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 1:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
if this is a repeat, sorry!

osama dies and goes to heaven to get his 72 virgins. st. peter meets him at the gate and asks him to wait for a minute. he returns and says, "okay, we've got woodrow wilson, thomas jefferson, george washington, arthur ashe..."--and osama interrupts and asks where his 72 virgins are. st. peter tells him he misunderstood: "it's not 72 virgins, it's 72 virginians."

Rosie
Member

11-12-2003

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 4:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends
And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks".....................

14. Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop


Karen
Member

09-07-2004

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 5:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
please don't take offence, this joke is not at all as racially loaded as it first appears

What do you call two black men being chased by forty white guys?

The PGA Tour.

Babyruth
Member

07-19-2001

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 9:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Some Halloween humor:


A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as
a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.





Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 9:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
keeping up with halloween humor...


Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble
with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church.........
Haven't seen one back since!"


Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 10:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Why don't skeletons go out on the town?
Because they have no body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead end streets ...
What does daddy ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts...
How does a ghost go on holiday?
By scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favourite drink? Slimejuice
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A steak sandwich...
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.
What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?Wrap!
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What's a monster's favorite bean?A human bean.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch.
Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always goblin his food
What does a ghost have on top of his ice cream sundae?Whipped scream.
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?Mas-scare-a.
Who was the famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans.
Who was the famous witch detective?
Warlock Holmes
Who was the famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart
Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Where do American werewolves live?
In Howllywood, California
Where do American goblins live?
In North and South Scarolina.
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?A sour-puss
Why was the skeleton frightened to cross the road?Because he had no guts.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
How does a girl vampire flirt?She bats her eyes.
What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Who does Dracula get letters from?His fang club.
Why did Dracula visit the doctor?
Because he was coffin.
How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Give him some screws.
What can't you give the headless horseman?
A headache.
Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get a-head in life.
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a party?
A boo-tie.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
When does a ghost have breakfast?In the moaning.
What does Dracula drink at breakfast?
Coffin with scream and sugar.
Where does a ghost go on vacation?Mali-boo.
What do they teach at Witches school?Spelling.
Why does a witch ride a broom?
Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.
What do you call a witch's garage?A broom closet.
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.











Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 5:20 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Stupid Laws

Alabama
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California
Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to
try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

You are not allowed to cross the street on your hands.

Florida
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon
owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she
shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be
paid just as it would for a vehicle.

In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a
swim suit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of a strapless gown.

Illinois
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other
domesticated animals kept as pets.

Indiana
Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a
public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot
hold onto the ground."

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water
pistol.

Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting
someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely
locked.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special
license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 5:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Nebraska
A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a
church service.

New Mexico
Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically
prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking
"at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this
magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a
"pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside
for a stroll.

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by
the state.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in
groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
under a rug in a dwelling.

No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Texas
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first
obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont
Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each
week - on Saturday night.

Washington
All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal
intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
is entering the town."

West Virginia
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions


Vee
Member

02-23-2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 6:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I can appreciate that Vermont law, Nancy! Kaykay would appreciate West Virginia's too!

Kaykay
Member

01-21-2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 8:01 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
you got that right Vee. Mr Smelly can marching in today chomping on an onion bagel - nasty!!

Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 8:17 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Beethoven's Symphony

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"


Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 8:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Cemetery Story

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."

The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "

The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 8:24 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Coffin

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...
faster...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man....

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ..... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.

The coffin stops!


Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 8:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the
headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death
we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"




Zules
Member

08-21-2000

Friday, October 22, 2004 - 11:29 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Nuggets of Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat &drink beer all day.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


Zules
Member

08-21-2000

Friday, October 22, 2004 - 1:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a-holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.


Ladylove
Member

08-12-2004

Friday, October 22, 2004 - 1:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one -- but he/she has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him!!

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 6:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any Happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left as I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure!", I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked


Zules
Member

08-21-2000

Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 8:58 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You going to tell him or should I?"



Zules
Member

08-21-2000

Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 11:45 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which
almost went unnoticed. Last week Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The
Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in ..... and then the trouble started.

Oh, don't even, you know it's funny!


Carrie92
Member

09-15-2003

Tuesday, November 02, 2004 - 5:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH
CARE PLAN


(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple
a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,"
is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.