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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, November 06, 2004 - 11:23 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, November 6, 2004 "I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?" Death thought about it "Cats," he said eventually, "Cats are Nice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, November 07, 2004 - 11:50 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, November 7, 2004 To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Belgrade hotel elevator -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live." But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die." Or something. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, November 08, 2004 - 4:24 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, November 8, 2004 There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. ~ Anon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims. ---------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, November 09, 2004 - 4:13 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, November 9, 2004 Honest officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here. Black Dragon -------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 4:26 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, November 10, 2004 You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure. JFK -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, November 11, 2004 - 4:38 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, November 11, 2004 I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, November 12, 2004 - 11:21 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, November 12, 2004 I want to say something, but I have nothing to say. So I'll keep my mouth shut. Alex Tan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, November 13, 2004 - 12:50 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, November 13, 2004 Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing. ----------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization." Time to go on a diet! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. Libra (September 22 - October 22) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Deny everything. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, November 15, 2004 - 3:48 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Monday, November 15, 2004 "Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On." Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. Libra (September 22 - October 22) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Continue hiding. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, November 16, 2004 - 4:19 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, November 16, 2004 Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad day to tease a yak. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 4:04 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, November 17, 2004 If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, November 18, 2004 - 4:27 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, November 18, 2004 "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." -- Oscar Wilde -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!." Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, November 19, 2004 - 11:22 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, November 19, 2004 Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Tokyo bar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Angst day, today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Leo (July 23 - August 22) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, November 20, 2004 - 4:20 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope =^,,^= Saturday, November 20, 2004 "A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes." -- James Feibleman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm." You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This might be a good time to learn how to really "flick" your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I'm betting it's soon, though, in your case. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation? Libra (September 22 - October 22) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of iguanas, today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, November 22, 2004 - 4:11 pm
,^= Monday, November 22, 2004 "Ninety percent of everything is crap." -- Theodore Sturgeon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 4:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, November 23, 2004 What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a "bludgeoning." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 10:43 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, November 24, 2004 The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. William J. Broad -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, November 25, 2004 - 3:48 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, November 25, 2004 Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense ----------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. Libra (September 22 - October 22) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, November 26, 2004 - 10:26 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, November 26, 2004 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, November 29, 2004 - 10:11 am
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope =^,,^= Monday, November 29, 2004 They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it. Gracie Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!." Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, November 30, 2004 - 4:30 pm
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, November 30, 2004 - 4:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, November 30, "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." -- Bertrand Russell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. Libra (September 22 - October 22) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to act extremely childish. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, December 01, 2004 - 4:26 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 1, 2004 Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use. -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, December 02, 2004 - 4:19 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope =^,,^= Thursday, December 2, 2004 "I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know." -- Garry Shandling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Another excellent day to whittle. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter. You'll forget all about this when you take your reading glasses off, however.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, December 04, 2004 - 10:34 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, December 4, 2004 "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.
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