Author |
Message |
Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 6:44 am
I will tell you my story. I have a 13 year old, the brightest kid in the world, probably a little too bright for his own good. He is in eighth grade and thinks he knows it all. When he was younger I was always on top of him making sure the work got done but seventh and eighth grade I figured, time to grow up. For sixth through first semester of eighth grade, the grades are critical for getting into a good high school. The schools he is interested in require minimum average of 90+ for each report card in the three years. Well he did it, he pulled all the grades out for sixth and seventh grade. First semester of eighth grade he was pulling 100s and 98s except.....he was handing his homeworks in late. He felt confident his grades wouldnt suffer because according to him, the teacher only took two points off for late homework and "he had it all under control". I warned him, but he knew it all. He had it all worked out, his average, factoring in the late homeworks would work out to about a 94. Report card time comes around and guess what, all those late homeworks took a 98 average right down to an 88. Well, let me tell you that shook him up big time and now he is sweating about whether he is going to get into his first choice school. I could probably have stopped the train wreck but sometimes it is better they learn the lesson themselves and take their licks. My son certainly learned there are consequences when you dont meet your obligations and he learned it the hard way.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 6:55 am
I think you just hope that he turns it in today!!! Keep us posted!
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Lumbele
Member
07-12-2002
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 9:23 am
War, I am great believer in saying what I'll do and doing what I say. Whether they like the parental consequences or not kids need to know that the parent will follow through. Your threat of taking Caleb in to hand in his homework wasn't as stupid as you seem to think. As the mother of a now grown son I can confirm what Max said: nothing worse than having Mum come with you to school. It is soooo embarassing, dontchaknow. It may very well be *the* reminder to turn all that work in. A quiet word on the side with the teacher about letting you know as soon as he doesn't again wouldn't hurt either. In my experience teachers like it when a parent wants to work *with* them. They are much more likely to pick up the phone to keep you in the loop before it is too late to fix.
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Juju2bigdog
Member
10-27-2000
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 11:38 am
Heh, yeah, I think he will turn the homework in today. Go Caleb!
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Urgrace
Member
08-19-2000
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 11:46 am
War, you are a good mommy. Follow through with your consequence and explain that it won't be done again - that once is all you are going to tolerate. As for your son not handing in his completed homework, that must be some stage a lot of boys go through. I know I had the same problem, but my sons were older than Caleb! The problem with my youngest son was in middle school. He got terrific grades and got on the honor roll, but decided he didn't like the way honor roll students were treated better. He felt it was discriminatory and decided he would never get on the honor roll again. OY He is a man of his word. He always got good grades, but did what he could to keep from the honor roll. Luckily he is still bright and has passed all the tests for the Air Force. He is tested frequently, because they will not keep employing individuals who do not make the grade.
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Zachsmom
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 11:56 am
When I was in school, the teacher always said "turn in your homework" at the beginning of class. What are the rules on turning in homework? Is there a bucket or something that kids just turn in, on their own, their homework? Caleb doesn't strike me as a kid that would get embarrassed by Mom coming to school. I do think, if he doesn't follow through and turn it in, then you do as you said, go to school with him. Both of you learn a lesson through all of this I think you're a good Mom War, and even good Moms make mistakes (and I don't think this is a mistake)(hugs)
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Karuuna
Member
08-31-2000
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 1:30 pm
I have a hard time getting upset with my child for forgetting things, because I forget so many. I'm not sure forgetting itself ought to be a punishable offense, especially at his age. The goal to me is to teach him ways to remember. I have to wonder what was going on with him that everyone else in his class remembered to turn in homework but he didn't? Even in 5th grade (my son's age), the teacher asks for the homework to be handed in. Maybe that was the one day he was in the restroom or something? How often does he forget? It's important to evaluate whether this is a pattern, or just one of those rare instances of things going wrong. So, first I would ask him what the procedure is in class for handing in homework. Then within the framework of that system, I would brainstorm ways with him on how to learn to remember. Set up a plan that you both agree to. The bad grade is the negative consequence, but as Max pointed out, often kids that young don't give a hoot about grades (not sure if that matters to Caleb). I prefer a reward system. Once you've set up a plan for how to remember, track how well he does remember and offer a favorite toy, a favorite outing or something as the incentive for having a certain percentage success rate (maybe 90 or 95%?). I don' t blame you at all for getting frustrated. It's another lesson learned, you care very much about whether he does well, and when something goes wrong, we may act hastily in the moment. So, another lesson for him is how to recover and move on when that happens.
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 3:27 pm
Max, I value advice from non parents as much as from parents because I think non parents may have a different perspective that I haven't considedered a situation from. He's 8 and in the third grade. This is a continuing problem (and new this year) for him. He never forgets to turn in his reading/spelling homework, but that goes to a different teacher and has some serious consequences if he doesn't. If they don't turn in or do reading/spelling they have to go to study hall and recess and thats worse than anything. He never forgets to turn in reports and projects. It's just the math homework. And alot like Maris' son, I think it's cuz he knows he doesn't have to worry about it. Math is his easy subject. Homework takes a couple minutes every night, he has no problems unless he's being goofy (he's a silly kid sometimes,) and he rarely has to study for the tests to get A's on them. I've been in class during math lessons. At the start she asks the kids to get their work out and then walks around and gets it from them. Unless he's totally spacing out, I can't figure out how he can forget, it's right there in his face! I did have a thought, but kind of pushed it out of my mind because I'm not sure he's old enough to think like that. Caleb's been held up as the smart good kid since 1st grade. The first done with classwork then he's sent around the room to help out his classmates who are having trouble, and he hates it. He gets embarrassed when we tell him how good he's done in school. Maybe he's not turning in work as a way to appear a little less smart. I do think my biggest mistake was giving him a lecture and threatening punishment. I should have asked why he wasn't turning it in and talked about it. But now that it's out there, if he doesn't turn it in today I have to follow through on it. I keep waiting for the day I stop making the stupid mistakes, lol, but it hsn't happened yet! From here on out though I think I'll move to more of a reward thing. We already keep a homework journal since he was forgetting when tests were due, so maybe it's time to start checking stuff off as he turns it in and getting a reward for having so many done. Lastly, I can not figure out why his teacher hasn't mentioned this. And you're right, Tex, if teacher isn't even mentioning it, he doesn't see a big problem. Weird thing is this teacher knows I want to know about stuff like this, and there has already been times we've had to work together on problems with him (like when he was waiting for his new glasses, then adjusting to them, there was headaches and lots of work put off just so he could rest.) Heck the woman called me two times in one week to find out if he could eat certain things because of his peanut allergy (not complaining, I appreciate that she's so careful.) But she knows we're willling to work with her when something comes up, and she knows she can call, or heck tell me when I'm in class! Half the problem is this is the year they have decided the kids are old enough to do it all themselves. They don't send home the paper with all the homework listed, they don't remind them more than once for anything, rules have changed. It's part of the reason I'm trying to get him to take more responsibility because they aren't going to make him.
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Hippyt
Member
06-15-2001
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 3:55 pm
I'm really curious about why the teacher hasn't mentioned it too. I could see maybe it being the holidays and somehow gotten lost in the shuffle for a bit,but this was quit awhile ago we're talking now. I think you might need to ask her about it.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 4:08 pm
Yep, 3rd grade is the big transition year at my kids' school too. I think you can still ask him what's going on and still keep the deadline in tact. Just tell him that you are really confused by it. You are not out of line for asking him to turn it in and giving him a deadline to do so.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 4:14 pm
So did he turn it in today???
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Karuuna
Member
08-31-2000
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 4:23 pm
war, I had a somewhat similar situation with my son. He always finished his math work early in class, and then was asked to help other kids with their work. He *hated* that. So he started doing more poorly to avoid that "reward". Once I talked to him about it, I was able to work with the teacher so that he wouldn't feel punished for doing well. You might ask him if that would help.
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Max
Member
08-12-2000
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 5:21 pm
War, Never forget that you can always sit him down and tell him you apologize for flying off the handle over the situation and that what you would rather have done was to ask him more questions to find out what was really going on (or whatever it is you'd rather have done). Kids don't expect perfection from their parents. In fact, I think it's very healthy for them to see that their parents AREN'T perfect and they can learn valuable lessons when parents admit mistakes and show how to recover from them. Life lessons ar just as important as school lessons. Let us know what happens next!
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Friday, January 14, 2005 - 1:16 am
LOL, yeah he turned it into today. Darren asked him about it before they left class just in case he had forgotten (he hadn't, he'd turned it in earlier.) We didn't get a chance to talk to him because by the time he got home from school he was running a fever and complaining about his tummy hurting (same thing Dakota had Tuesday night I think.) I think it's time for us to have a Caleb/mom day. Where just the two of us go do something fun so we can have a chance to talk without Kota around to distract us. Darren's been talking about taking Kota out to the park to practice her batting and pitching, so that will be a good opportunity. I do know it's more than just him forgetting. It's something to do with the math itself. When we went through the week or two where he wasn't bringing his math homework home and then I found it in his backpack all crumpled up, I should have thought about it, but I figured we were just starting a new school year and he might be having trouble getting back into it, and the routine had changed (turning in work everyday rather than at the end of the week.) Definitely something to get to the bottom of, along with apologizing to him for my reaction and trying to explain why I feel it's important he does his best and finding out what's going on in his head. First grade, Caleb's teacher told us that she liked to ask kids to help out their class mates because kids learned better together. And having a kid who was able to help was a good thing for her. But, even then he hated it. Heck we even have to be careful how we compliment him. He doesn't mind being told he's done a good job but he doesn't want to hear the smart word. He doesn't give us tests he gets back, we have to ask how he did cuz if he had his way they'd be completely forgotten. It's like he's embarrassed because he gets good grades. The funny thing is we're still having to help Kota with her homework, and he will offer several times a week to help her. When it comes to her, he doesn't have a problem. Maybe it's cuz she thinks it's cool he knows it all, and is willing to help her.
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Secretsmile
Member
08-19-2002
| Friday, January 14, 2005 - 9:54 am
It's so darn frustrating that our kids don't come with windows into their minds so we can figure out what they need more easily. I know it would have saved my offspring, their teachers, my husband and myself tons of anxiety over the years. War, you got some great advice and support in these posts. Both my sons treated school much like you describe as Caleb's attitude. My daughter had no problem being the brainiac of the class. They would "forget" special achievement certificates until they cleaned out their desks at the end of the year, where as she would bring her's home and show everyone that walked in the house. Was it a "coolness factor", was it laziness, was it over confidence, I still don't know. I know they both had to get poor grades, a type of shock therapy in order for them to change their attitudes. I think teaching our children how to study, and how to get along with what's expected of them in any situation, not just school work is one of the most important things we as parents can do. On the other hand, they are individuals who have to learn by trial and error. One of the hardest lessons I learned by raising kids was that I wasn't really in control of much, and since I couldn't take credit for their good qualities, neither should I allow myself to take blame for their short comings, nor feel guilt when they weren't perfect.
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Friday, January 14, 2005 - 10:40 am
I hate to say it, but maybe it's a boy thing? I was thinking about being in the kids classes when they'd get back tests or they'd get stickers or stamps for doing good on a class assignment. The girls I've seen have always been excited, eagerly showing their friends and checking out their work, while the boys shove it in their desks and thats it. I can't think of one boy who has reacted like the girls. Anyways, I kept Caleb home today cuz he has this stomach bug and after Kota left I was helping him get all his army guys so he could spend the day on the couch playing. I apologized and told him I handled the whole thing badly and should have talked to him before issuing an ultimatum. Then I had to give the definition of ultimatum, lol. And after what felt like tooth pulling to get him to talk (he was embarrassed) he finally admitted the reason he hadn't been turning it in was that there is a girl. She's got a crush on him, which I did know about because she has been the topic of conversation before (and this is the girl Kota has decided is her new best friend.) She doesn't leave Caleb alone, not that she really picks on him she can't get away with that at school, but always following him, hanging around, and just generally bugging him. He finally asked her why and she told him she liked him cuz he was smart. He said he thought if he wasn't smart, she'd leave him alone. I think we're lucky he didn't realize he could fail his tests on purpose! He knows if he doesn't turn in his reading and spelling homework he loses recess, so he couldn't do that, but since his teacher didn't give him any problems with the math homework, he decided not to turn it in. We had a little chat about how that wasn't a good reason not to turn it in and a little about how she can't help the way she feels any more than he can help the way he doesn't like her back. He promised to start turning in his homework, said that it hadn't worked anyways as she was still following him around, lol. And I promised to ask before getting on his case about things in the future. I think at this point it's time for him and Darren to have a talk about girls. I never really went through the boys is icky phase, and I've never been an 8 year old boy so I'm thinking dad may have a little more insight than I do. I did talk to his teahers daughter today. She's a substitute teacher and works in her moms class when she's out. Let her know I wanted to talk to mom and she said she'd pass the message along. I don't know if we'll have this problem again but I want her to know she can call and let me know if we do.
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 12:25 am
Adding on to the problem with Caleb and this girl with the crush. Today he came home from school and sat down to do his homework. We did his practice spelling test, studied for his vocabulary test, and I asked him the list of questions for the reading test. He did great, answered all of the questions right, had all of the words correct. Then he told me he knew the material he'd be tested on, he'd studied over the weekend, but he was going to fail his tests. I asked him why. He said he knows if his grade goes down in language arts he'll be bumped down a group level and have to switch classes. Seems today he got in trouble in class and had to go to study hall during recess. The little girl was picking on him (she pinched him!) and he told her, loudly, to knock it off and leave him alone. The teacher didn't see what she'd done, Caleb wouldn't tell her either, but she'd seen the little girl jerk away from him when he had his outburst so she knew something was going on. Both of them got in trouble and sent to study hall. We had a talk about other things he could try to get her to leave him alone, other than failing tests on purpose. I'm not sure if his thinking is odd or not. For him, the logical thing to do is flunk some tests and change language arts class, for me, it's...ask the teacher to move your seat. So tomorrow he's going to ask if he could have his seat changed cuz he knows sitting there he's getting in trouble. I'm going to go in after school and have a talk with her and make sure he'll get his seat changed or if not, that she'll at least keep her eyes open for trouble, and with his homeroom teacher about the math homework. Maybe seperating the two of them, he'll not have such a hard time with the kid. We also talked about him talking to the little girl, letting her know he's not enjoying her picking on him (what kid would?) and that he'd like for her to leave him alone, but he's not quite ready to do that. He didn't even want to get the little girl in trouble by telling the teacher she's picking on him and pinching him. I'm of two minds about the little girl, lol. I want to tell her to leave my baby alone and quit bullying him, but I also know she's a little girl with a crush and she's doing the same thing most kids her age do when they have crushes. Caleb's a good kid, he usually doesn't have problems with other kids that he can't work through on his own. He knows not to fight unless he's defending himself, and he knws our feeling about hitting girls (you don't hit girls, not even your sister, and Dakota has the same rule, you don't hit boys, not even your brother) so I don't worry about him getting fed up and taking a swing at her, but when it comes to interferring with his grades (and him planning to fail tests does that!) it's time to do something. I'm just not sure what to do, other than what I'm doing. Part of my problem is I know the school's no tolerance rule, if the kid gets caught even pinching him, it's a suspension. I'm not sure suspending an 8 year old for having a crush and picking on a boy is appropriate.
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Lumbele
Member
07-12-2002
| Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 1:02 pm
War, I think you got your ducks in a row. Talking to the teacher on the QT will alert them to the problem without getting the girl suspended. Changing Caleb's seat will also give him a break. Who knows maybe he'll enjoy the new "scenery" (or are *all* girls icky right now?).clipart{wink}
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 11:18 pm
Nope, most girls aren't icky, just girlfriends, lol. He has lots of friends who are girls, but soon as they start acting girlfriend-ish they're icky. Today his home room teacher caught me. Told me she was going to call yesterday but got busy and forgot my number at school to call from home. I was a bit worried, wondering what Caleb had been up to, lol, but she told me yesterday she caught him giving away half his lunch. When she went to find out why, the girl he was sharing with told her she forgot her lunch money and didn't want to call her mom at work again. So Caleb offered to share his lunch with her. He was almost dying with embarrassment as his teacher told me, especially when she mentioned it was the same girl who'd been bothering him (though she's not aware of that, as soon as she told me the girls name I knew who it was, lol.) He told me he would have shared his lunch with anyone who was hungry....I almost exploded with pride! This is the same child who'd been pestering him not two hours before and here he was sharing his lunch with her. He asked me not to talk to his language arts teacher today. Said the little girl was nice today and he wants to see if that will last before he does anything. I'd like him to work this out himself, so I told him I wouldn't say anything unless he comes home again as miserable as he was yesterday then I'm going to talk to her. I'm hoping maybe she'll settle down since he was so nice at lunch! I really hope he can work it out on his own, but if not I'll step in and do what I can without getting the poor girl suspended.
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 6:57 am
War - what a little sweetie. No wonder she has a crush on him
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Lumbele
Member
07-12-2002
| Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 7:07 am
Well, let's hope feeding the hungry beast did the trick. In his shoes I would have let her starve though.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 7:27 am
Doesn't the school notice if a kid doesn't have any food for lunch?
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 7:41 am
Wargod, Can your son wait for my daughter to grow up please??? 
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 8:24 am
War, just reading all this for the first time today. I think you're handling everything remarkably thoughtfully and well. And I have no doubt both your children know you always try to do your best with them. I think the plan to move his seat (or hers), or just rearrange the entire seating arrangement a bit so no one has to feel singled out is a good plan. (I have to say I was genuinely shocked to read about his logic: his plan to 'fail.') I am just wondering if Caleb has some reciprocal feelings for this little girl, but doesn't understand them--doesn't know what to do with them. I know she was the aggressor, but it could be a stage where Caleb is wrestling with these feelings he doesn't understand. (Gawd, they're sooo young!) You know, the old thing about boys pulling the pigtails of girls they like? I guess things would be so much simpler if the issue were just 'forgetting,' huh?
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 2:58 pm
It's easy to get lost in the cafeteria. Especially since she carried in her snack and was being sneaky so her mom wouldn't find out she forgot her money again. They aren't going to let the kids go hungry if they know, come lunch time if they haven't gone through the line or brought their lunch they'll send them through to get their food and then add the money to their account so next time they have to pay for it. Caleb's a sweetheart. He always has been. In preschool if a child was crying, he was always the first there to comfort them. Kindergarten if a child was playing by themselves at recess, he'd stop what he was doing to go play with them. He's helpful around the house, helps Kota with her homework, and is usually thinking about everyone else but himself. He's a lot like his daddy, very friendly, very outgoing, and likes to joke around. LOL, we walk through the school and everyone who walks by says, "Hi, Caleb." He's pretty much everyones friend. I really am not suprised he was sharing his lunch, more suprised over who it was with. I am hoping though that maybe after being nice to her, she'll ease up on him a little. He thinks the little girl is cute (and she is.) There's a girl across the street that he's been close to since he was oh, about 2. They play together all the time, and usually talk about each other constantly. This year's been hard on them because she's in fourth and they have different recess and lunch times so don't get to spend time together. The way they play and fight, reminds me so much of two kids who like each other but aren't sure what to do about it. We were driving home one day, and neighbor girl is talking 90 miles a minute, non stop. Finally she pops off with, "I'm so cute and I know it." Caleb had been quiet the whole way home, but when she said that his comment was, "Not with that attitude you aren't." And then they got into a spat about it, she was telling him he knew she was cute and he was telling her most the time she was but when she acted like that she wasn't so cute. I cracked up the whole way home, thinking that one day when these two get married, I'll be the least suprised person around, because thats just how they treat each other. I don't see him that playfully fighting with the little girl at school. He's more frustrated than anything and would be perfectly happy if she was treating him the way his other friends who are girls do.
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