Author |
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Monday, January 24, 2005 - 9:01 pm
Run errands for her, help with the mundane every day stuff that has to happen.
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Monday, January 24, 2005 - 9:15 pm
Yes, she has her daughter here. If I had to deal with this with my mom I don't know if I could pull it together and be strong for her. Food is not a problem, she has actually asked us to stop bringing it. She does know that I am here for her day or night so I guess that is all I can do. I feel helpless.
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Monday, January 24, 2005 - 9:52 pm
When she's feeling well enough and wants to, sit and chat with her. If she wants to talk about cancer, talk about it and don't be afraid of it. If she wants to keep the conversation light and fluffy, do that. How close are you to her and her family? You could ask the daughter if she needs any help and offer what you can. Sometimes washing a sink full of dishes, offering to do a load of laundry, or taking the trash out is a huge help when the family has so much else to worry about that housework isn't a big deal to worry about at that time. Another thing to keep in mind, at this time they are probably being swamped with friends and family visiting, calling, sending flowers, and as you know, bringing food. There are times they are going to want peace and quiet, when they run out of places to put the flowers, and when they have no more room for food. It's nothing personal against anyone else, just that they need and want some space. Feeling helpless is pretty natural right now. As you said she knows you're there, and that's about all you can do. Let her guide you and tell you what she and her family needs.
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Lumbele
Member
07-12-2002
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 10:20 am
Deesandy, what my Mum appreciated so much when my Dad couldn't be left alone anymore, was the neighbour who would come sit with him for a few hours while Mum went out doing errands. Also calling to see if they need anything from the store, may very much be appreciated, pharmacy runs, dry cleaner etc.
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Reader234
Member
08-13-2000
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 3:29 pm
Texannie, I'm wondering if the school has any resources? All it takes is ONE! One person, one thing to change!! Like Who posted for her it was the drum and Bugle corp, for my son it was hockey! AND it was hockey that had some of the worst BULLIES!! So anyway I was thinking more all along the lines of a teacher, a social worker... someone that can give her resources ! For my son in jr hi he had a couple of kids that were horrible, knocking his lunch to the floor, knocking him into lockers etc etc... I talked to one of his teachers, and she just spent some extra time with my son... Fast Forward, the bully was going for his Boy Scout EAgle, and needed reccomendations, none of his teachers would give him one - ds teacher told the son at a conference with bully and mom "you wouldnt want the letter I write to make it to the council" It did make a difference, that kid backed off and started acting civil (not nice exactly, but civil) Please understand as I write this Annie, I feel my son also fit the 'victem' role, moore times than not he went looking and accepting the poor pityful me, and is he ever a hyprochondriac... it does not justify the bullying eVER... ps. That bully did work at the camp ds works at during summers... he works adults... well.... he was stripped of his eagle and some other awards for his "poor choices" think drugs and alcohol on camp property MORE THAN ONCE!! and we always think of this kid as that bully, even tho he did change how he treated ds!!
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 4:18 pm
Not sure what you mean about resources, Reader? She's involved in all sorts of activities. The problem seems to be that it's not one person but it is always somebody.
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 4:27 pm
Lumbele, thank you for sharing your story. I will be sure to linger in the shadows until needed.
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 4:57 pm
I agree with Who. The one thing that I can't stress enough is to make sure that your daughter doesnt feel alone in dealing with her pain. Yes at times it is really hard to listen to the same story but different name but be very happy she is confiding and all she is looking for from you is someone who will sympathize. We had a very successful week. This week the kids all learned which high schools they got into and sure enough the bully in question was turned down by every school and my son was accepted to all three he applied to and got invited into the honors program. Now this kids family has to scramble to find a school. There is such a thing as Karma.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 5:00 pm
Great news, Maris. My dd is applying to a different middle school. We went to the open house on Saturday and we hear her name called and wouldn't you know it, it was the voice of the most consistant thorn in her side!!! Affectionately known as the 'devil child' among some of the moms. It will be just our luck that she will get in!!!
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Reader234
Member
08-13-2000
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 5:01 pm
I think what I mean by resources is if the school has a support system, a social worker, a caring teacher, a nurse (all of these ds used) they supported ds in various years, he felt he had a place to go, to chill, someone cared, and listened. Sometimes they gave advice, sometimes they had situation strategies for ds, so when he came across a bully, he had some background to be more effective in his mind... sorry I wasnt clear, sometimes its hard to relive those days,
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 5:17 pm
Yes, we have a great counselor and dd is very close with her teachers. They all adore her but worry cause she seems to have a hard time with friendships. That's one of the reasons why we are worried that she's a player in all this too.
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 5:21 pm
Texannie, sorry I am so late to read your original post (and all the others that followed). My son was a 'victim' all his life. He is now an adult. My younger daughter, on the other hand, had incidents, but nothing like my son. A spitfire, she always gave as good as she got. Matt, on the other hand, wanted friends so desperately he would get upset, but then forgive, and become their punching bag (emotionally and physically) all over again. After living through these awful, awful years with him and witnessing the horrible school incidents that, in my opinion, were a result of bullying, I have developed a 0 tolerance for it, and I think the school should do the same. How could they forget those school massacres so easily? Whether or not your dd has the kind of personality that makes her an easy victim or not, the school should be a safe place. And it should be their credo. If they don't have such a policy, I'd take on the mantle by doing some research, making some contacts, and being a force for change. My son is, and always has been, a little socially inept--making him a target. I know your dd is intelligent and does well in school so I am guessing that is not her problem. Mine was born with a facial deformity and had a learning disability. He said the wrong thing at the wrong time. He'd blurt things out before thinking. He was doing things that would irritate me! He wanted friends so badly . . . that he would laugh about just about anything, including himself. Kids pick out anyone different (even if invisible) and zero in on them as if they have radar. They can be incredibly, incredibly mean. Well, all along, I had been advising Matt to turn the other cheek--a Gandhi-like approach. In 4th grade, however, he started getting into fights on the playground--and the instigators were never caught. Teachers NEVER supported Matt. I was a vocal mom and was always in the school, so tried to get cooperation about the bullying and never did. (This was many years ago, though.) At my kids' prestigious after-school 'camp' (before they were old enough to stay home alone) one year, a boy who had always teased Matt urinated into a soda bottle and gave it to Matt. Without knowing that, Matt took the offered soda drank a sip--before tasting it and choking. Course the whole crew laughed and laughed. Now the kids was 'suspended' from camp--for a short time. And the camp apologized. Did I ever hear from the parents? No. It wasn't til junior high that Matt finally got mad, really mad inside. He stood up for himself--in both a physical and verbal way. By that point, my son was extremely well-built and strong. I guess that helped because he could hold his own in a fight, and there were many, let me tell you. I never condoned fighting, but did understand there was a time to stand up and let people know you won't be a victim anymore. I have to say that the years of teasing helped him polish a natural skill which helps him to this day: wit. He is incredibly witty--fast to coin a phrase and return a barb. He always has us in hysterics. But he still has the softest, kindest heart inside--the same heart he had as a small child. (Here's an example of Matt's insane humor that I've told on the board before, my apologies: Matt was working as a phone rep for a bank a few years back. One day Matt joined a big shot in an elevator ride. Matt said, "Good morning!" The suit kinda looked him over, but didn't say a word. So Matt turned to him, pulled his pant leg up a bit, smiled goofily, and said, "I have on new socks today!" Matt said the suit practically scrambled out of the elevator. You see, Matt didn't take the rudeness quietly--and he used humor to 'get the guy.' I have this image of the whole incident in my mind's eye and I laugh about it to this day.) Well, back to his school days. When Matt made good friends, they were always wonderful, wonderful kids--kids I genuinely adored and still do. (Wish I could say the same for some of my dd's choices.) So, in re-telling this to you, I am telling you that she will figure this out (life is the hardest but best teacher) and make some good friends. In the meantime, I'd follow up on a zero tolerance for bullying policy within the school. She should be helped to recognize what traits/behaviors are not helping the situation (counselor at school--following up on Reader's intent/suggestion) and let her older brother or her best friend sit and talk with her and advise her about what best to do in common situations she experiences and be honest about how they feel she could ward off the 'victim' cloak. (But have your son temper his words; she is only 10!) I just hate to think about one more child being allowed to be consistently bullied while in our school systems. That is just plain wrong and a huge mistake.
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 5:47 pm
Texannie, I though about your dd when I watched the Johnny Carson tribute on the Tonight show last night. You commented how it was amazing to you that she can sing and dance in front of people, but her relationships were so hard. I believe it was Ed McMahon last night who commented on Johnny Carson's shyness. He said something to the effect of "in front of 10,000 people he was great. With 10 he was very shy." Made me think of your dd (and of my days in drum corps).
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 8:54 pm
Aw, thanks Who, that's sweet. She's not quite that shy. But great insight Thanks Herk!
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 7:42 am
NEW QUESTION: I watch my niece M-F (at a basement bargain rate.) I don't have a highchair or exersaucer of my own. (gave away ds's a while back). Can I ask her parents to provide these since she's about at the age of using them. Or is that something I should be providing on my own?
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Maris
Member
03-28-2002
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 7:50 am
what is an exersaucer? I would ask the parents to provide a high chair or use the stroller as a temporary measure.
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Max
Member
08-12-2000
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 7:52 am
If you were running a day care center, I'd expect that you would provide these things for all to use. However, since you are a family member largely caring for the child as a favor (which, I assume, is why you don't charge them nearly as much as rates at centers in the area), they should provide you with those things. In any case, it certainly doesn't hurt to ask. Worst they can do is say no. If they do, tell them you'll need to raise your rates to cover the cost of purchasing the items to care for their child.
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Kaili
Member
08-31-2000
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 8:09 am
I would think they should provide it. Whatever an extrasaucer is, tell them to hook you up with one! No, really, you shouldn't have to buy baby stuff like that for someone else's baby- family or not. Safety gates and stuff, sure but not the rest.
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Jimmer
Member
08-30-2000
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 8:23 am
It really depends on your relationship with her parents so I think it’s pretty hard for anyone who doesn’t know those details to assess your situation. Having said that, one would think that the lower the amount of compensation, the more you could expect them to provide in material assistance re. highchairs etc. But again, so much depends on your relationship with them. By the way, for anyone who hasn’t seen her – Julie has the cutest niece! 
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 8:48 am
Since 'they' decided that walkers are dangerous, exersaucers are the new version. child sits in it like a walker but can't go anywhere but round in circles. Julie, I think it depends on the relationship too.
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 9:05 am
Thanks all. Just wanted to get some opinions to make sure I wasn't being "out of line" by asking. exersaucer:

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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 10:24 am
Well maybe not the high chair, but the exersaucer is fairly easy for them to "fold up" (actually if I remember right you can squish those down or take them apart to make them smaller) and bring back and forth with them if neither of you wants to buy a new one. My sis has this great high chair, all it is is a booster seat that straps to the bottom and back of a regular chair, then you strap the kid in and can either put a tray over it or push them up to the table. I love it because it's so easy to take back and forth. I totally agree with Max. Having a family member care for your child is the best thing ever (especially if your a new mommy having to work and feeling guilty like I was!) And I don't think asking her parents for the things you need to take care of their child is unreasonable. If they don't want to buy it, ask them to taxi the stuff you need back and forth (yep, it's a pain, but not unreasonable to want make their daughter, and you as you care for her, as comfortable as possible while she's with you.)
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Graceunderfyre
Member
01-21-2004
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 10:27 am
Hey Julie, mine's sitting in Public Storage on 59, you are more than welcome to borrow it or if you want you can use it for a month or two and then say, you know my friend asked for her saucer back, do you think you guys could get another one?
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 5:47 pm
Hey Grace! Thanks! Do you have a highchair or just an exersaucer? I am getting an exersaucer from my sister, so all I am looking for is an highchair. By the way, you rock!
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Graceunderfyre
Member
01-21-2004
| Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 6:43 pm
Thanks Julie I do have 2 high chairs but one is being lent and one is being used. I got this great travel chair which is super sturdy and super portable/putawayable - it's from Burlington Coat Factory's Baby Depot and is blue and made of cloth - it costs $20 if you need a reccomendation.
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