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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 10:57 am
My mother-in-law called at the end of the week to see if she could take my son to Kennywood with my nephew. I said no - because that would hurt my daughter's feelings, since she is old enough now to know what Kennywood is. I think that I p*ssed her off even though I explained why. I understand that she can't take three kids at once - but I didn't feel right letting one go and not the other. Am I wrong?
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 11:08 am
How old are the kids? Maybe you could let her take your son to Kennywood (what is that anyways?) if she promises to take your daughter to a special place after they get back?
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Karuuna
Member
08-31-2000
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 11:10 am
Not sure, Danas. Kids can't always do the same thing, and sometime they have to learn that. I wonder if you could have offered to take your daughter someplace special while the boys went to Kennywood? (Kennywood, if it's the same place I"m thinking of, is an amusement park outside Pittsburgh, PA, where I grew up!) 
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 11:16 am
They are your kids and you have to do what is right for you. Having said that, here is my two cents. I think you can't always have 2 (or more) kids always do the same things. Sometimes one kid will have one privledge and then another time the other kid will. Just make sure it all more or less even out in the end. You can cause a lot of resentment if you don't let one kid do something because of the other kid. (Example, my mom couldn't get a bike until her little sister was old enough to get one too. That kind of stuff really causes a LOT of resentment.. Another example is my sis MAKES her kids share EVERYTHING. While I think sharing is a good thing, there should be special toys or things that a kid should not have to share. The resentment between my nieces is huge...)
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Sillycalimomma
Member
11-13-2003
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 11:25 am
When I was younger my brother got to go to Disneyland with my uncle because he had a step son-I was not invited because I was a girl and the boys didn't want to have me tag along. I was really hurt, but mostly I was upset at my parents for agreeing to the arangement. Man....there's another therapy session Your son may resent the fact that he didn't get to go because it wasn't "fair" but what he doesn't know can't hurt him right? If there is any way to keep the fact that he could have gone away from him then I think it would be better...
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 11:26 am
Kennywood is a local amusement park in Pittsburgh. They do get to do things separately. They both know that if one is going somewhere with a friend the other doesn't go. Justin is 6 - Samantha is 4. When it is something with a friend it is not a problem. It is just difficult to explain to a four year old why her grandparents are taking her brother and cousin and not her. I was going to be at work while they were gone - and my mom would have to deal with the crying, hurt feelings, etc. This happens alot, my bio. father will also take my son places and not take my daughter. She understands that he is older and gets to do things she doesn't, but when it is something with a grandparent that she would also like to do it is tough on her.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 7:00 pm
Growing up in my house it was, if I couldn't go, neither could anyone else. That saved a lot of hurt feelings. It was just understood. Stand firm behind this. Your children are not that far apart, only two years. Your children are equals, they should be treated accordingly. I wouldn't allow one to be invited and not the other. It is unfair and will be resented later. How are you going to explain to your dd that gramma doesn't want her to go, only her brother and cousin? At 4, how would you feel. You have definately done the right thing. Keep on doing it. Don't let grampa do the same thing. Tell your MIL that she can take your two kids to the amusement park some other time when they can go together. Is there some one else going? Why can't she take 3. Is she 90 years old. Have her take someone else who can help with the kids so no one gets left out.
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Texannie
Member
07-16-2001
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 7:23 pm
Just to confuse you, I think it's totally ok for grandma to do this with "just the boys" as long as she also takes time for your daughter. I don't know the height of your kids, but lots of times a 4 year old can't ride the same rides as the 6 year old, so what's grandmother supposed to do then? Many times my grandparents did things with just me or my girls cousins, and I have such special memories cause it wasn't the "package deal" of well, I got to go cause my brother did. I felt they really wanted to do something with ME. My son plays golf. My daughter doesn't. He started playing young, were my folks (who usually took him) supposed to drag the little sister around just cause he was doing it too?
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Sia
Member
03-11-2002
| Thursday, August 19, 2004 - 2:53 am
Everyone's presented valid points from both camps (re. making your kids a "package deal") because they're close together in age. I guess I have this same issue because my children are just two years apart, too. My son will turn eight in about a month, and two weeks after that my daughter will turn six. I guess I present my kids as a "package deal" in some situations. For example, if one of my kids is invited to a birthday party, I bring both children. If it's a party where the parents of the birthday boy/girl have paid for one of my kids (the one officially invited) to participate in an activity (like a pool party, bowling party, etc.), I pay for my other child to be able to participate. I do this because I don't have a paid babysitter and I don't like to impose on my mother for babysitting any more than I have to because she's always watching my nieces and nephews. When it comes to my kids spending the night with my parents I will allow either of them to go--or both of them at once. My son has spent the night with my sister's family, but I guess my daughter has never done that. Hmm, I should send her over there some time. She'd enjoy being the center of attention!
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Thursday, August 19, 2004 - 9:37 am
I did not let Justin know that they invited him to go along. My MIL is only 48 -- not sure why she couldn't take 3 kids -- my only guesses are 1. hard to take an uneven number to an amusement park because of rides and 2. My nephew (also 6) is a definate handful! I wouldn't mind the doing things with boys and girls - but with both my MIL and my father - the time never seems to come for it to be Samanatha's turn to do anything. My mother and step-father are somehow able to take four kids when they go somewhere with no problem and none of the kids feel slighted. My kids are actually both in the height range for amusement parks that really all they can do is kiddie land and games. Justin is only about an inch taller than Samantha. I only feel like it should be a "package deal" when it is family and something that they would both enjoy. I have no problem with someone taking Justin to a baseball game because Samantha has no desire to do that. It would just be nice if soon after that same person would offer to take her out to lunch or anything so that she didn't feel as though people don't like her. And she does feel this way -- last year my dad took my son on a train ride and when he called to confirm we found Samantha crying in her closet that they never invite her anywhere. And they don't. I am normally very non-confrontation but I am tired of the situation and I am not sure how do deal with it. I am so close to just saying don't call any of us to do anything again. (I doubt I would actually do that - but i have thought about it.) Thanks for all the input and for letting me vent!
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Secretsmile
Member
08-19-2002
| Thursday, August 19, 2004 - 9:44 am
Dana, just a thought here but is it possible that your inlaws haven't adapted to your daughter not being a baby anymore? I understand the two years isn't a huge age difference but 4 is closer to the harder to deal with baby stage than 6 is.
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Thursday, August 19, 2004 - 11:32 am
Secret - that very well could be. It just seems that since she was born, with the exception of my mom and stepdad and my FIL (both mine & DH parents are divorced) no one could be bothered with Samantha. Our family all lives within 20 minutes of each other and it was nearly two months before my dad & stepmom came to see her and nearly a month before MIL came to see her. Also, they have been taking Justin to different things (ball games, Kennywood, Chuck E Cheese, etc.) since he was two or three years old. So I am not sure what the problem is. My husband and I have just tried to reinforce that it is their loss if they don't want to spend time with her and that she has many people that love her and want to be with her. Doesn't make it any easier to take the crying and hurt feelings!
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Julieboo
Member
02-05-2002
| Thursday, August 19, 2004 - 6:42 pm
Well that really does make a difference. After hearing that (and seeing that your ds was allowed to do a few things w/out sis) I for sure think you did the right thing and put your foot down.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Friday, August 20, 2004 - 12:44 pm
That really gets me steamed. If they don't want to spend time with Samantha, then they don't get to spend time with Justin. You are not the bad guy in this situation. You have definately done the right thing. What they are doing is purposely hurtful and downright rude. If it was me, I would be offended.
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Floridagirl1010
Member
07-29-2003
| Wednesday, September 01, 2004 - 12:05 pm
On the other side...I like taking my son and my niece who is the same age (both are 9) to do things without my other nephew who is now 7. They get to spend time alone together and talk. My sister however insists that I can't ever just take one without the other...so I don't do it at all. My sister in law is the same way and it drives me bonkers! Sometimes I don't have the money for both or I don't want to deal with the fighting when my son and his cousin are ignoring the younger cousin. I don't believe in not being able to take one without the other...as long as you do something with the younger sibling at another time I think it should be ok. I had 3 older sisters and we NEVER went as a package anywhere. My feelings were never hurt b/c I would do something else when it was my turn. I do however feel that your family needs to step up and realize that Samantha needs the special time as well.
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 6:50 am
Right now I would settle for an observation that she exists! My bio. dad took my son to a Pirate game last weekend. When he & his wife dropped him off afterward she was sitting on the floor playing Polly Pockets. My dad said hi to her - wife did not -- and that is all they said to her. No kiss, no hug -- nothing. They did give us money to help with their school clothes - but as far as spending any time with her I don't think that will ever happen - just the way they are.
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Floridagirl1010
Member
07-29-2003
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 10:49 am
Wow Danas...that's just hurtful I feel for Samantha...I'm not sure why they would act that way towards her? Have you asked them why they exclude her for things or act so coldly towards her? I would have done the same thing you did...they can't dote on one child and not the other. Although it does hurt your son...this is a really tough one...you hate to see him be punished b/c of their ignorance
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 11:16 am
Flordiagirl - I have just kind of excepted that this is how they are (my dad, stepmonster, and his parents) They did the same to me when I was little -- took my younger brother everywhere and didn't for me. It is just hard to explain to a 4 year old. I have tried explaining that to them but it is like talking to a wall. She kind of just understands that they don't want to be with her -- and I have tried to tell her that it is their loss -- not hers. The time we found her in the closet crying, after we talked she said, Well I have so and so, and went through my mom and stepdad, my grandma, dh's father, a bunch of others, and said so f@@k them. Couldn't even yell at her for cussing, I just said baby, you're right f@@k them -- good advice for both of us!
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Floridagirl1010
Member
07-29-2003
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 12:29 pm
I agree...just let her know that it's not her fault and that she is loved by so many people...maybe your mom can take her someplace special when your son goes with your dad and stepmonster (I love that term...my son calls his stepmom that Or you can tell her that your going to do something that only girls can do...then get her nails painted and go somewhere for lunch. My son is the step of my husbands family...he's treated as if he were their own...he's known my husbands family since he was 3 (he's 9 now)and is treated the same as the other kids. I hate to hear that any child is treated unfairly and my heart goes out to her...if we lived closer I would take her on special trips with my little ones You sound like a great mom...she's a very lucky little girl
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 1:20 pm
I could never figure out how a family member could fail to acknowledge each and every child. A girl I worked with had two daughters. Her MIL would always buy gifts for the older daughter, or take her out to lunch, etc. And this is when both daughters were in their teens! Another friend I worked with also had three kids. One of them had just turned 18, and so their grandmother sent Christmas gifts to only the two under 18! My friend returned all the gifts with a note saying, "if you can't acknowledge all my kids, don't acknowledge any of them."
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 8:31 pm
Not to change the subject here, but I have a similar situation in a way... My MIL has a favorite grandchild, her first. She does all kinds of things for this child that she doesn't do for the other two...and one of those is a sister! It has gotten so bad that she has sent cards to the one signed, "lots of love from grandma" and the one sent to her sister just says "from grandma". How messed up is this? My concern is that my child will someday pick up on this and perhaps wonder if there is a reason why she is not treated the same as her cousin, or if there was something she did to make it be that way. You know kids blame everything on themselves in situations like this. Any comments?
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 12:11 am
No advice, but just a comment Deesandy. I had a Great Aunt whose favorite was my older sister. I can't remember her so much adorning her with extra gifts/attention. But I do remember her giving me the nickname Jezebel. Long before I knew Jezebel was a name for a "bad" woman, I got the feeling that I was being ridiculed when she called me that. My mom tried to tell me that it was just her term of endearment for me. But I think I probably felt the vibe, and knew the tone of her voice; cause I can remember the feeling she never really much liked me. FWIW
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 5:36 am
DeeSandy -- the only thing that I can suggest is what we have told Samantha -- that it is not her loss if someone doesn't want to be with her - it is theirs. I know that the "first" is special for a lot of grandparents but you would think that at that age they would have enough sense not to blantently play favorites! I wish I had something better to say -- just let the other kids know that they are just as loved other relatives and friends and that they are special. Whoami - I guess I should be thankful that they aren't calling her names at least!!!
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Wargod
Moderator
07-16-2001
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 12:00 pm
We have gone through the same thing with our kids and their grandma. The other grandkids have a great relationship with her, but she has nothing to do with mine most of the time. When the kids comment on it, we remind them of all the wonderful people they have who love them and want to spend time with them. It drives me absolutely insane. I can't understand how someone who is related could have no interest in them. And there are times I have to bite my tongue not to say something snarky in front of the kids. I remind myself I can vent about it to my friends, my mom, my sister, or anyone who wants to listen, but they don't need to hear my anger over it. I figure one day they will come to their own conclusions about her and they don't need me telling them how to feel.
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 12:25 pm
Good point Wargod. I have to remind myself of that often. I admit I have made some slips in front of both of my kids though.
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 5:48 pm
Thank you for sharing your stories. It just burns me that I we have to deal with this. I am actually surprised that other people are in the same boat...
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 11:16 pm
It is odd (and mostly sad) that this seems to be almost a common happening. I know my grandmother absolutely loathed my father. There's a family picture somewhere with her laying on the couch. The venomous hatred spewing from her eyes as she looks into the camera is chilling.....my father was the photographer. I wonder if sometimes the kids get the brunt of the punishment when the family members disapprove of the spouse. Could be why my Great Aunt seemed to not like me. "Guilt" by association (or bloodline) type thing. In fact, that same older sister (not the eldest BTW) was also my Grandmother's favorite. Lots of stories and memories are coming to mind, but I won't bore you with them here.
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Danas15146
Member
03-31-2004
| Friday, September 10, 2004 - 5:39 am
I am actually kind of relieved that others are in the same boat. Not that I want anyone else to have to go through this, but at least I don't feel like my family is a complete freak-show!
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Deesandy
Member
08-12-2003
| Friday, September 10, 2004 - 3:11 pm
Oh, I still think that my MIL is still a complete freak show!!! But what can you do really...
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