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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 3:02 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 14, 2004 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Jmm
Member
08-16-2002
| Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 3:04 pm
Nancy, I just realized how long it's been since I thanked you for the humorscopes. I'm really sorry. I read them daily and think that they are wonderful. Thank you for doing this for us.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 3:06 pm
I agree completely with Jmm--thanks Nancy Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed. I have been back to work 3 days since getting back from vacation--the above fits perfectly so far. LOL
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 3:03 pm
Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 15, 2004 There are millions of Americans who are clever and fearless, but the trouble is they are only four years old. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to fritter things away. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 16, 2004 - 3:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 16, 2004 China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. Former French President Charles De Gaulle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a "bludgeoning."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 17, 2004 - 3:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 17, 2004 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to mumble. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen? Leo (July 23 - August 22) A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 19, 2004 - 3:17 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 19, 2004 Selfish, adj: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, July 20, 2004 - 3:10 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, July 20, 2004 Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. ~ Groucho Marx -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!." Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 21, 2004 - 3:14 pm
Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 21, 2004 Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization." Time to go on a diet! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Continue hiding. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 22, 2004 - 3:11 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 22, 2004 Even when opportunity knocks, a man still has to get off his seat and open the door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 23, 2004 - 3:11 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 23, 2004 "The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." -- James B. Cabell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium." Don't take it lightly.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 24, 2004 - 9:46 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 24, 2004 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 26, 2004 - 2:24 pm
The daily Humorscope Monday, July 26, 2004 It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. Richard M. Nixon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 9:58 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 28, 2004 'Twixt the optimist and the pessimist The difference is quite droll: The optimist the doughnut sees, The pessimist, the hole. McLandburgh Wilson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Angst day, today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of celery.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 6:20 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 29, 2004 "We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (March 21 - April 19) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery." Probably a little of both, I'd guess. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 30, 2004 - 3:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 30, 2004 "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 31, 2004 - 9:45 am
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 31, 2004 The nice thing about teamwork is that you always have others on your side. ~ Margaret Carty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 02, 2004 - 3:40 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 2, 2004 The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 2:20 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, August 3, 2004 Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. ~ P. G. Wodehouse -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!." Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Another excellent day to whittle. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 3:18 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 4, 2004 Psychiatrists tell us the best way to prevent a nervous breakdown is to work hard every day. We'd like to ask - what's the next best way? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 9:50 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, August 5, 2004 "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Elanor Roosevelt -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Avoid yodelling today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 06, 2004 - 2:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, August 6, 2004 \ I'm a magical being. Take off your bra. Top Ten Elven Pickup Lines, "Late Night with David Letterman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake." I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to doodle. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, August 07, 2004 - 3:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, August 7, 2004 Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine. Honore de Balzac -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm." You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Saturday, August 07, 2004 - 3:40 pm
Thanks Nancy!!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 09, 2004 - 6:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 9, 2004 What is big, yellow and eats rocks? A big, yellow rock eater. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of clams, today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of Doug. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
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