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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 10, 2004 - 1:30 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 10, 2004 "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." -- Dave Barry -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 11, 2004 - 4:57 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 11, 2004 "A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes." -- James Feibleman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie? Leo (July 23 - August 22) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) What you need, mainly, is computerized shoes. Try to get the ones with the built-in serial port, so you can download a different average speed and average daily distance, to impress people. And you might as well get the ambient temperature readout, GPS, and pager options while you're at it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 12, 2004 - 4:54 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 12, 2004 I'm not afraid of work... I can even sleep beside it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!" Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 13, 2004 - 7:57 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 13, 2004 Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight". You should be ashamed of yourself. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!

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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, February 14, 2004 - 1:19 pm
!The Daily Humorscope Saturday, February 14, 2004 Life isn't a matter of milestones but of moments. Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.But call Uncle Leo! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, February 15, 2004 - 10:03 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, February 15, 2004 If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal. Jimmy Hill - BBC Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example. Libra (September 22 - October 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, February 16, 2004 - 4:44 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, February 16, 2004 I want to say something, but I have nothing to say. So I'll keep my mouth shut. Alex Tan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... Libra (September 22 - October 22) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess"). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 17, 2004 - 4:52 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 17, 2004 "I think it would be a good idea." -- Mahatma Gandi (1869-1948) when asked what he thought of Western civilization -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. Libra (September 22 - October) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy." Tomorrow's better, for that one.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 18, 2004 - 8:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 18, 2004 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. Doctor Who -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze." You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 19, 2004 - 5:00 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 19, 2004 "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 20, 2004 - 4:47 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 20, 2004 } Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else." -- Ogden Nash -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) }}} Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, February 21, 2004 - 4:46 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, February 21, 2004 We aim to please ... You aim too, please. written on a bathroom on route 66 contributed by Thomas J. Walkup III ========================================================== Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of being cautious, today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, February 23, 2004 - 3:09 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, February 23, 2004 "Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -- Jules de Gaultier -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon." My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 10:31 am
!The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, February 24, 2004 Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry ------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) } To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of clams, today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a "bludgeoning." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 5:40 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, February 25, 2004 It's like deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John". Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.") Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, February 26, 2004 - 1:48 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, February 26, 2004 Never hesitate to steal a good idea. ~ Al Neuharth -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, February 27, 2004 - 9:01 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, February 27, 2004 To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Belgrade hotel elevator -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. Libra (September 22 - October 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, February 29, 2004 - 8:26 pm
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, February 29, 2004 The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes Gary Larson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Bad day to tease a yak. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Sunday, February 29, 2004 - 11:15 pm
Yaks rock!
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Heyltslori
Member
09-15-2001
| Monday, March 01, 2004 - 8:44 am
Gesundheit.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, March 01, 2004 - 9:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, March 1, 2004 "I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency." -- Anon., French slogan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Monday, March 01, 2004 - 10:06 pm
I can only imagine the other things the Spice Girls can't figure out.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, March 02, 2004 - 4:34 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, March 2, 2004 "Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -- Aldous Huxley -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to fritter things away. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 5:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, March 3, 2004 Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually "Did you know that there's a spider on your neck?" Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will attempt to single-handedly bring the "Spaghetti Western" back from obscurity. Your first film will be "A Fistful of Noodles", in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 2:29 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, March 4, 2004 Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to learn to play the tuba. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
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