TVCH FORUMS HOME . JOIN . FAN CLUBS . ABOUT US . CONTACT . CHAT  
Bomis   Quick Links   TOPICS . TREE-VIEW . SEARCH . HELP! . NEWS . PROFILE
Archive through October 06, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Free Expression... (ARCHIVES): JOKES (ARCHIVES): Archive through October 06, 2004 users admin

Author Message
Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Friday, September 10, 2004 - 12:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."



Ladylove
Member

08-12-2004

Monday, September 13, 2004 - 12:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

Tigerfan
Member

11-06-2003

Monday, September 13, 2004 - 12:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    


Carrie92
Member

09-15-2003

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 - 8:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I've heard a similar version of that joke, only a guy walks into the bar with a tiny little man who starts playing piano.... guy introduces the bartender to his genie, same thing happens and the guy says, "Do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

Zules
Member

08-21-2000

Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 11:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season
(camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ..

At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!



Ladylove
Member

08-12-2004

Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 12:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
This one's for you Tiger!

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Tigerfan
Member

11-06-2003

Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 12:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Roflmao, Ladylove!! Thank you!!

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Friday, September 17, 2004 - 8:19 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
COULD BE OFFENSIVE!... i'm not sure about people's sensibilities sometimes... to me it is just a cartoon so i am going to post it and let the mods decide

.


Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Monday, September 20, 2004 - 12:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!


If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".



Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Monday, September 20, 2004 - 12:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
.

Ophiliasgrandma
Member

09-04-2001

Monday, September 20, 2004 - 3:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Someone is going to have to explain the above cartoon to me...I don't get it.

Mamie316
Member

07-08-2003

Monday, September 20, 2004 - 3:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I think the sun baked the other pig to a crisp.

Ophiliasgrandma
Member

09-04-2001

Monday, September 20, 2004 - 3:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Oh, I see, he is now just a strip of bacon. Duh!

Escapee
Member

06-15-2004

Monday, September 20, 2004 - 3:43 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Bacon~~~~"FRIED" Sunburn "FRIED" Bacon is pork "FRIED"

Essence
Member

01-12-2002

Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 11:15 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great.....just great..... Some a$$hole's got my pen."

Essence
Member

01-12-2002

Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 11:18 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to,  sit in on his sessions.  The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "yes, I see,"  and "yes go on,"  and "I understand."  The new priest crossed his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says,  "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next?"

Maris
Member

03-28-2002

Saturday, September 25, 2004 - 5:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly the husband burst into the kitchen. "Be careful ........ CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOD! You're cooking too many at once."

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM, NOW!"

"We need more butter. Oh, my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!"

"Careful ..... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!"

"Turn them! Hurry up!"

"Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

"Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him "What in the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car."

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 11:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I cant believe my previous boss just emailed me this

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK


DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT


Jumanji
Member

09-05-2004

Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 5:49 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when Judas betrayed Him and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on a cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.

St. Peter fainted.

Ladylove
Member

08-12-2004

Friday, October 01, 2004 - 10:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Hanging By A Rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving into men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never under estimate the evil of a woman.


Ladylove
Member

08-12-2004

Friday, October 01, 2004 - 3:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

Ladylove
Member

08-12-2004

Friday, October 01, 2004 - 3:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Carrie92
Member

09-15-2003

Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 7:51 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,

This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either.

Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because
Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 11:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The driver of the automobile was an ardent animal lover and deeply distressed because he ran over a rabbit as he traveled down the highway. As he looked back, he saw the rabbit lying in the road taking its last gasps.

He stopped the car to put the animal out of its misery when another motorist stopped to help. he said he was a salesman for a large wholesale drug company and fetched a bottle of tonic from his sample case in his car. He removed the cap from the bottle of tonic and placed it under the nostrils of the hare.

In a few seconds the hare revived and bolted off the highway, across a field and out of sight.

"That's a wonderful tonic," said the animal lover. "What in the world is in that bottle?"

The salesman replied, "Hair restorer!"


Katoncoast
Member

07-31-2004

Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 12:00 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Emergency Room
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball..........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?", asks the doctor. Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"