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Archive through March 27, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through March 27, 2004 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 05, 2004 - 2:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, March 5, 2004

Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.
Cary Grant (1904 - 1986)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, March 06, 2004 - 11:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, March 6, 2004 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl."


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, March 07, 2004 - 8:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Sunday, March 7, 2004

"Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?" -- Tom Stoppard, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

What you mostly need at this point in your life, is a retinue. Either that, or an entourage. The best way to get started is with a simple classified ad - look for "followers, hangers-on, sycophants, or toadies."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 08, 2004 - 4:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, March 8, 2004 Carpin Denium - there's a fish in my pants

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You find yourself getting a trifle flabby, in a spiritual sense. Just a few dozen reps of positive affirmations each morning, though, and before you know it, you'll be very buff - theologically speaking.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This would be an opportune time to embarrass your relatives. There are many ways to accomplish this, of course, but my personal favorite is also one of the easiest to do: dress funny.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 09, 2004 - 4:54 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Tuesday, March 9, 2004



Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 5:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, March 10, 2004

A leapord never changes his stripes.
Al Gore



Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 4:35 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The daily Humorscope


Thursday, March 11, 2004

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

======================================================

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton." (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!

Sillycalimomma
Member

11-13-2003

Friday, March 12, 2004 - 2:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 12, 2004 - 5:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
what's that for sillycal am i boring you?

Jmm
Member

08-16-2002

Friday, March 12, 2004 - 6:34 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
No, no Nancy, we all love your humorscopes - even if we forget to tell you. See Silly's post around 1 a.m. here: Snoozing Smiley

Pamy
Member

01-02-2002

Friday, March 12, 2004 - 7:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Nancy, I agree with Jmm, we enjoy this thread so much!! I am guilty of not letting you know more often!! Thanks!!

Did you know you are featured each day in Tess Tales???

Sillycalimomma
Member

11-13-2003

Friday, March 12, 2004 - 8:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Oops sorry! No no- I went nutty with insomnia last night and hijacked the community threads.....sorry for the misunderstanding!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 12, 2004 - 10:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
lol well when you only just read THIS thread and no others in this community group it was kind of like ??

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 12, 2004 - 1:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, March 12, 2004

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This may be a good time to sail to the island of Reunion (about 450
miles east of Madagascar) and grow bananas. Or maybe not. The thing
is, you'll never know unless you try, right?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It will suddenly occur to you that you know two songs in which the
main lyric is "nah". (The "naaaaah nah nah nah naaaah" one, and the
"nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey" one.) This will prove
to be an inspiration.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today will be one of those days when you sigh and say "so near, and
yet, so what?" Still, it's better than no day at all


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You have an appointment with Destiny today. Unfortunately, you will
be held up in traffic.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your vaccuum cleaner will suffer more damage, today. This time, it
will be savagely attacked by a walrus. This won't really surprise you,
of course, since you've known for some time that nature abhors a
vaccuum.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!"

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to act extremely childish.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Someone will ask you whether you've been trained on a piece of equipment.
Stamp your foot twice, and whinny.






Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, March 14, 2004 - 8:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Sunday, March 14, 2004


"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 16, 2004 - 4:54 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Carpe ovum - sieze the egg

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 - 1:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope



Wednesday, March 17, 2004

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -- Galileo Galilei

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It's nice that you've made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though - or you wouldn't keep nodding off while talking with them

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.


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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 18, 2004 - 11:15 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, March 18, 2004

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire and severly thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective gear next time.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone somewhere is thinking of you right now. You have been on that person’s mind all day. That someone is not happy with you at all. Avoid him or her at all costs.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Despite what you think, your mullet is not cool. You’re friends are embarrassed to be seen with you. Get a hair cut.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The next man or woman that walks by you is your soul mate; the companion of your dreams. If you are reading this while sitting alone in your room, you’re out of luck - it’s a life of solitude for you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The roads in your life, this week, are steep and trechorous. Althrough there are many mountains to climb, you will reach the top. Awaiting you there is your 8:30 class. Hurry up or you’ll be late.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, March 19, 2004 - 2:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, March 19, 2004

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've spent enough time this year grooming yourself, now you need to focus your attention on grooming someone else.



Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You are moody and it's a scientific fact that your moods depend on the weather. Treat yourself to a sunlamp and the world will be a happier place.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time to put all of your plans for world domintation aside for a few days and give someone a hug.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.






Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, March 20, 2004 - 11:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Saturday, March 20, 2004

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Although you should stick to your new vow of total honesty, it's still k to have physical infirmities. For example, if someone asks you how
they look, it's ok to pretend to have hearing loss. Especially if stripes are involved.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Try petting a cat in a sunbeam, today, or singing bawdy songs in the shower. Just don't try petting a cat in the shower.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 22, 2004 - 7:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


March 22, 2004

If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Work has been stressful for you lately, and you're not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it's really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna
call?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 - 4:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, March 23, 2004

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't.
Ulysses S. Grant

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of clams, today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 - 11:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope



Wednesday, March 24, 2004

To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.


Robert Schumann musician

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

has often been said that a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Unless, you are at a party and everything is free.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
There will be great joy for you today. You will get a really good deal on a new set of wheels. Its alright if you have to pay extra for assembly, mountain bikes are tough to put together.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)


If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Now is a real good time to consider purchasing swamp land in Arizona. You could be able to find investors for your aquatic farm there. Friends are usually gullible, try them first.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Now is a real good time to consider purchasing swamp land in Arizona. You could be able to find investors for your aquatic farm there. Friends are usually gullible, try them first.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You can do no wrong today. Everything will be going your way for the next few days. The bus, the cops, the ugly neighbor with a crush on you, all of these things will become your new best friend today

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You are going to be the life of the party today. The stars say that you will wow the crowd with a table dance

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Life will appear to be getting easier for you this week. It may be because you left the phone off the hook and your mother hasn't been able to get in touch with you.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 11:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, March 25, 2004
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well
\
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will get in a serious argument with your imaginary friend today, and harsh words will be spoken.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to flummox people. One superior flummoxing method is to walk up to people with a smile, and stick out your hand to shake hands -- your left hand. (Seeing if you can pat their head and rub their tummy at the same time can be taken as being too personal, I've discovered.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to ask deep questions. Why is it called an afterlife, when really it's an afterdeath? And why do people always talk about "going into the light", who have had near-death experiences? And why do family-style restaurants seem to think you'll want a sprig of parsley with anything, including pancakes at breakfast?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Neonle will continue to be rude, and will nretend that you had a small stroke which makes you unable to say or see the letter "n". Stunid nractical joke, if you ask me. Bunch of noon-heads, huh?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will go to work wearing one brown shoe and one red shoe and no one will notice.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 12:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, March 27, 2004

If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.