Author |
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, December 06, 2004 - 4:19 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, December 6, 2004 It is forbidden to enter a womman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Bangkok temple -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is a good time to knock on wood. As you know, that's a way of thanking the leprechauns for your recent good fortune. Or if you can find some formica, knock on that - that thanks the mutant sludge creature who is hiding under the stairs. It all depends who you want on your side, I guess. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, December 07, 2004 - 4:29 pm
«The Daily Humorscope» Tuesday, December 7, 2004 "A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat." -- P. J. O'Rourke -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to act extremely childish. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, December 07, 2004 - 4:30 pm
Tuesday, December 7, 2004 "A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat." -- P. J. O'Rourk YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 7:38 am
LOL lance 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 7:40 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 8, 2004 To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
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Jmm
Member
08-16-2002
| Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 8:31 am
Nancy, Thank you so much for these humorscopes. I read mine everyday and get a wonderful chuckle. You are so appreciated.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 9:54 am
Logic doesn't get much better than this: Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, December 09, 2004 - 4:14 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Thursday, December 9, 2004 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible Thursday, December 9, 2004 The loss of life will be irreplaceable. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Bring extra. You'll need it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.")
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, December 10, 2004 - 11:02 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, December 10, 2004 Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 11:19 am
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Saturday, December 11, 2004 Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys might be low on ammo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Angst day, today. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of poltergeists, today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know. Libra (September 22 - October 22) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, December 13, 2004 - 10:30 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, December 13, 2004 "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton." (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 12:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, December 14, 2004 It ain't braggin' if you can do it. - Dizzy Dean -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. Libra (September 22 - October 22) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Deny everything. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper". Don't know why.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 12:08 pm
It ain't braggin' if you can do it. - Dizzy Dean agreed!
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 12:19 pm
Ha! Ha! I'm Aquarius! I can see me now in black leather armor (with high healed boots) and holding two torches. I know exactly where I'd like to put those torches! The pictures in my head are making me giggle. And I would do it in a heartbeat, too! You guys know what I'm talking about.
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Mocha
Member
08-12-2001
| Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 12:22 pm
Hey mine fits me to a T!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 8:57 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 15, 2004 Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight." You should be ashamed of yourself. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
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Jeep
Member
10-17-2001
| Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 11:20 am
Gee, what is it with Aquarius? Yesterday it was leather armor and today it's a flame-thrower! Dang, I really want both! They could come in handy someday soon!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 2:36 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, December 16, 2004 Carpe Diem - Seize the day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find out your secret superhero identity of the day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, December 17, 2004 - 9:29 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, December 17, 2004 I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't. Ulysses S. Grant --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels." Leo (July 23 - August 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of iguanas, today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 4:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, December 18, 2004 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. Horngren's Observation --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) oday you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Continue hiding.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, December 20, 2004 - 10:17 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, December 20, 2004 "Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you." -- Old Farmer's Almanac -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to mumble. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 4:16 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, December 21, 2004 Not to perambulate the corridor in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. In an Austrian hotel catering for skiers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of Doug. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 4:54 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 22, 2004 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, December 23, 2004 - 12:15 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, December 23, 2004 My mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, December 24, 2004 - 12:28 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, December 24, 2004 Life isn't a matter of milestones but of moments. Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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