Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 17, 2004 - 11:25 am
your welcome autumn--yeh i've been posting his humorscopes for about 2.5 years now 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 3:13 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, May 18, 2004 "I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong." -- Bertrand Russell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to sneak. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Leo (July 23 - August 22) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 9:33 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 19, 2004 For your convenience, we recommend courteous efficient self-service. In an Hong Kong supermarket -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end." Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 12:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 20, 2004 Money and time are the heaviest burdens of life, and the unhappiest of all mortals are those who have more of either than they know how to use. Johnson (1709-1784) English Author -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live." But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die." Or something. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 21, 2004 - 3:15 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 21, 2004 Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Swiss reataurant -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This might be a good time to learn how to really "flick" your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I'm betting it's soon, though, in your case. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, May 22, 2004 - 2:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, May 22, 2004 "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark." Libra (September 22 - October 22) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, May 23, 2004 - 7:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, May 23, 2004 Charity begins at home, and generally dies from lack of outdoor exercise. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 24, 2004 - 3:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 24, 2004 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 3:09 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, May 25, 2004 "Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -- Ronald Reagan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have another nasty insect bite episode, I'm afraid. In this case, though, you will at least know what bit you. Hard to miss something that size.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, May 26, 2004 - 3:16 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, May 26, 2004 A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself. Clifton Paul Fadiman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Wednesday, May 26, 2004 - 7:07 pm
The one I spend the most time with is myself. Being a Gemini, I agree it does explain a lot--lol.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, May 27, 2004 - 10:04 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, May 27, 2004 "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." -- Hubert Humphrey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Face falling off? Tired of people teasing you about your skin? Use what Oprah recommends: SkinMedica -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know your secret nickname? For your secret nickname, wacky random insults, great music, funny stories, outlandish song dedications and more click here! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't stop here! CONTINUE on for a free tarot reading! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Try Our Email Subscription! Add Humorscope To Your Own Web Page Home Your Secret Superhero Identity For Today Humorscope Blog The New Dork Times Really Bad Advice Really Bad Poetry Wacky Inventions Funny Fax Cover Sheets Daily Quotations Weekly Humorscope Daily Radio Humorscope Silly Shorts Contact Us About The Humorscope Links Notes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Humorscope has been called "uncannily accurate" by at least one person. I construct forecasts each day, using precise planetary positions, a custom-made analog computer, and ancient Norwegian meditation techniques. Or at least, that's what I would do if I had more time. Currently, I mostly just spin a carrot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comments? Ideas? Suggestions? Problems? Report them here. If you enjoy this horoscope, please tell a friend! If you help me reach more people, I'd sure appreciate it! Copyright 2004, by Ron E. Lunde. All Rights Reserved.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, May 28, 2004 - 3:06 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, May 28, 2004 "Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait too late." -- Bill Withers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That's when you'll have to be a bit creative, if you don't want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say "I don't know - I don't really spend that much time on the porch." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 3:47 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, May 29, 2004 Look out! Behind you! Ralph Waldo Emerson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! Just not continuously, ok? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!" Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The higher you climb the tree, the more people can see your bottom. Vietnamese proverb. Unless you want everybody to know it, don’t even begin to show it. It might just be tooooo much aloha. You know what I mean. I know what I’ve seen. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Ok, enough with those capri pants. Long or short, make a decision. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The Sacred Bunny remains in your chart for life, Aquarius. Honor it and all will be well. Feed it all its favorite treats, just alternate them every three days so it doesn’t get too bored. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This time next year, you won’t even remember. So why get so wrapped up about it now? Relax. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Lather, rinse, repeat. Please.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, May 31, 2004 - 9:46 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, May 31, 2004 Indecision is the key to flexibility. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Monday, May 31, 2004 - 10:09 am
Thank you, Nancy, for all you do to bring out our smiles!
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Monday, May 31, 2004 - 12:33 pm
I don't mind silly at all.
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Autumn
Member
10-29-2003
| Monday, May 31, 2004 - 1:29 pm
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!" roflmao!! I LOVE it! Oh man, he cracks me up. Thanks, Nancy.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 3:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, June 1, 2004 Will Rogers Says... “Presidents have been promising lower taxes since Washington crossed the Delaware by hand in a row boat. But our taxes have gotten bigger and their boats have gotten larger until now the president crosses the Delaware in his private yacht.” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble." Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 02, 2004 - 3:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, June 2, 2004 I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling." Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 03, 2004 - 6:10 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 3, 2004 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity."..er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 04, 2004 - 1:17 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 4, 2004 I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to. Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, June 05, 2004 - 4:20 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, June 5, 2004 Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. In a Rhodes Tailor shop -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, June 07, 2004 - 3:20 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, June 7, 2004 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. -------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to fritter things away. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to doodle.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 08, 2004 - 10:20 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, June 8, 2004 Bigamy is having one spouse two many. Monogamy is just the same. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of clams, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup
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