Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 09, 2004 - 3:48 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, June 9, 2004 The early worm gets eaten by the bird. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 10, 2004 - 3:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 10 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 11, 2004 - 3:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 11, 2004 "life is what happens while you're making other plans"--John Lennon -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Libra (September 22 - October 22) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!") Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of galoots, today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Friday, June 11, 2004 - 8:50 pm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) I agree with both statements. 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, June 14, 2004 - 3:08 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, June 14, 2004 I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 15, 2004 - 6:39 am
The Daily Humorscope June 15, 2004 Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. ================================================ Aries (March 21 - April 19) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to act extremely childish. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to learn to play the tuba. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of iguanas, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 16, 2004 - 3:18 pm
The Daily Humorscope A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. ~ Sophia Loren Wednesday, June 16, 2004 ------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Bad day to tease a yak. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
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Lancecrossfire
Moderator
07-13-2000
| Wednesday, June 16, 2004 - 8:03 pm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. Or a resort in MN! 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 17, 2004 - 3:24 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 17, 2004 I used to go fishing, then it dawned on me: I can buy fish. Kenny Rogerson ======================================================= Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, June 19, 2004 - 3:07 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, June 19, 2004 You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. Ellen Degeneres -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, June 24, 2004 - 1:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, June 24, 2004 It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes. Sir Thomas Beecham -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. Libra (September 22 - October 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, June 25, 2004 - 9:56 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, June 25, 2004 What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, _The New York Times_, 1960 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of being cautious, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, June 27, 2004 - 10:06 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, June 27, 2004 "Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, _The Little Prince_ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, June 28, 2004 - 10:13 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, June 28, 2004 "It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do." -- Jerome K. Jerome -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight." You should be ashamed of yourself. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 6:28 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, June 29, 2004 "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else." -- Will Rogers ============================================================== Aries (March 21 - April 19) Remember: a paranoid is someone who knows a little about what's going on. You didn't hear it from me. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be one of those days when you sigh and say "so near, and yet, so what?" Still, it's better than no day at all. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't trot places today, preceded by a man banging two halves of a coconut together. Or if you do, stay away from the French. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) At your birthday party, someone will tease you about your age. Whack them with your walker Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will develop an unhealthy fascination with televised golf. Look on the bright side, though. I'm sure there must be one. Somewhere. No, really. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You have an appointment with Destiny today. Unfortunately, you will be held up in traffic. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your vaccuum cleaner will suffer more damage, today. This time, it will be savagely attacked by a walrus. This won't really surprise you, of course, since you've known for some time that nature abhors a vaccuum. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to get a hot-glue gun and a bunch of plastic fruit. Then you can make yourself some of those "Carmen Miranda Shoes" you've been wanting. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your prayers will be answered, today! The answer is "no".
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, June 30, 2004 - 3:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, June 30, 2004 How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Libra (September 22 - October 22) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to doodle. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 01, 2004 - 10:02 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 1, 2004 If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it. On the door of a Moscow hotel room ================================================== Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, July 03, 2004 - 12:00 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, July 3, 2004 "Twelve things to remember: 1. The value of time 2. The success of perseverance 3. The pleasure of working 4. The dignity of simplicity 5. The worth of character 6. The power of kindness 7. The influence of example 8. The obligation of duty 9. The wisdom of economy 10. The virtue of patience 11. The improvement of talent 12. The joy of originating" -- Marshall Field -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 05, 2004 - 10:23 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 5, 2004 Look out! Behind you! Ralph Waldo Emerson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction." Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps. Libra (September 22 - October 22) While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, July 06, 2004 - 10:13 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, July 6, 2004 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail Abraham Maslow -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Face Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling." Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 3:50 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, July 7, 2004 I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day for a nice nap. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Libra (September 22 - October 22) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 10:04 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, July 8, 2004 The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office. ~ Robert Frost -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone. Libra (September 22 - October 22) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, July 09, 2004 - 7:33 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, July 9, 2004 Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight! Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 12, 2004 - 3:06 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, July 12, 2004 "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt). Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Bad day to tease a yak. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Another excellent day to whittle. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, July 13, 2004 - 4:10 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, July 13, 2004 It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. Shirley MacLaine -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
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