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Archive through July 25, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Home and Garden (ARCHIVES): Tons of Practical Advice Desperately Needed: Archive through July 25, 2004 users admin

Author Message
Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Max Max Max, you have described my life to a tee. My husband bailed on the bills. He is out there looking for the life of his dreams. And I allowed it. I have been so depressed about my life that I have not taken more than preliminary legal steps to make him help. I am afraid if I push him I will wind up losing. His lawyer actually suggested he sue me for alimony. So far I have at least been rational through this but that one could push me over the edge.

I know what you mean about having a nice place. That is exactly my thinking. Though for slighly different reasons. I feel that if I have to lower my standard of living too much I will feel like I am being punished. And in fact, the main reason I am getting divorced is because I put my foot down about money. I kept having these flashes of us living our old age on the street in a box. I am not kidding. I took a stand and I wouldnt budge. And I have not 17 months later.

Fortunately once I sell my house I get a clean slate. Then my only hurdle is to put together enough cash as a short term emergency fund. I am really afraid of being 100% responsible for myself financial. I mean I have a good job and a reasonably secure job but I couldnt live on disablility or unemployment if something happened. So I am genuinely scared right now and will be for some time to come. And I am not getting any younger.


Luvmyjrt
Member

09-18-2003

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
It's small consoluation, Gidget, but try to repeat my mantra when DH does things that honk me off:

"BOYS ARE DUMB, BOYS ARE DUMB"

LOL, I know, but it works for me! (No offense to TVCH boys, they are not included in this mantra!)

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
ROFLMAO, Luv. Ok gonna get up and get organized. Lkunkel has thrown down the gauntlet. I may even put in for some vacation time.

Citruscitygal
Member

08-07-2003

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gidget, I don't have any advice to offer at this point, but I can offer my support. I've dealt with the fear and depression. I am also a pack rat and need to declutter. I admire your decision to make a happier life for yourself. In fact, I'll be taking notes. I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Good luck.

Kstme
Member

08-14-2000

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gidget, About 11 years ago, we moved, for a short time, to an apartment (went from 2700 to 1250 sq. ft.). After two months, we all went nuts! We found a home to rent and then moved back to our original home in Vegas 10 months after that. Don't ask, it defies reason! lol

Lk, you have all electric? We had both gas and electric. Our apt was in Green Valley.

I 'think' having a corporation run the place does get things fixed faster. On the down side, we found they wanted access to our apt more often, i.e., change the filters, spray for bugs, etc. We've found over the years, renting a home is the best way, for us. We've had the slumlordess and we're now renting from very considerate owners.

Luvmyjrt...I think what you're raised on is what you like the best! I was raised with electric stoves and I STILL fight with my gas one...it's been 13 years!!

Lkunkel
Member

10-29-2003

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Hmmm. We change our own filters (can get free cheap ones from the office, tho) and when necessary, we can sign up for bug service or carpet cleaning. Otherwise, they leave us alone.

I grew up with gas. I miss it.

KMSTE: I would love to spend more time with you. Maybe after the Clutter Challenge, we can meet up someplace on a bus route?

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thank you CitrusCityGal. General support is very welcome. Check out Lkunkel's declutter challenge. The more people who play the more fun it will be.

Editted to add. Dont admire me. I am have no choice but to do this


Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
As far as renting from a private landlord, my husband and I own several pieces of rental property, and I think we are great landlords! LOL
As to what might be different it really just depends on how the lease is drawn up. Whatever the terms of the lease are is what you will be obligated for. We have in ours any repairs/maintenance expenses under $50 they pay for. We pay for over that. They are obligated for utilities. We make sure all things are running to their most efficient. You can usually call the utility company to find out what the monthly averages are. Our properties are in a town house association so we don't pay monthly water so neither do our tenants.

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
OMG Kstme... they spray for bugs?!? K now I am totally freaked. I hadnt even thought about bugs. Woe is me

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thanks Texannie... but not everyone is as nice and hot <wink> as you.

Kstme
Member

08-14-2000

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
LK...I would love to meet up with you. Seems like we didn't get a chance to even say, 'Hi' the other night. I don't do the buses, though...they don't come out this far. I'm almost to Boulder City. Email me...it's in the folder.

SORRY GIDGET!

edited to add: Gidget, you may NOT have the bugs we have! <hoping, hoping>

Luvmyjrt
Member

09-18-2003

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Happy Birthday, Texannie! I'm sure you are wonderful landlords!

Yes, Gidget, DH's company is a corporation and they do spray for bugs (at the tenants request) and come in periodically for filter changes, but you can always request that you be home during that time.

And Gidget, you say you have no choice??? I think you made just the right choice when you put your foot down! I'm gonna admire you anyway!!!!!

Citruscitygal
Member

08-07-2003

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gidget, respectfully, I think lots of people stay in very bad situations because they believe they do not have the choice or ability to leave. You could have chosen to stay and let him take you down with him. Clearly, that it not who you are! But some would not have seen their choice to leave. That said, I won't admire you if that is your wish (well, maybe secretly), but support you - big time!

PS I'm considering the declutter challenge.

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 12:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thank you Luv and Citrus. I hadnt looked at it that way. I keep running the old Ann Landers line through my head. "Are you better off with him or without him". I dont yet know the answer. I still love him. And that is the hardest part of all. I thought it was death till you part. He apparently missed the for better or for worse part and bailed.

Kstme
Member

08-14-2000

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 1:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gidget, I am proud of you! It's not easy and there's no magic wand out there to make it all be the way you want it to be. You're one heck of a lady!!

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 1:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thank you Kstme... it doesnt feel that way now but maybe in time.

As for the bugs ... ewwwwwwwww. I am a pack rat but a clean one. I cant begin to tell you how much the thought of bugs skeeves me. Honestly making me itch just thinking about it.


Max
Member

08-12-2000

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
((((Gidget))))
Fear and depression are totally normal emotions given what the transition you're making. All you can do is hold your head up and walk through it. Feel what you feel, give yourself 'permission' to have a good cry now and then, and take another step. Know that every time you move ahead, you're moving towards new opportunities and challenges.

What happened before is not nearly as important and what happens next. It really sounds like you took some time to examine the situation and realize that you could either sink or swim -- in your case, swimming meant going separate ways. I totally relate. People around me were quick to villify my ex when some of the truth about our relationship came out, but the fact is that it took two to tango and I allowed his manipulations for way too long. The important thing was that I learned from it, I got stronger, and now I'm much, much happier. :-) That will happen for you, too.

And you will probably always love him on some level, but you must love yourself and your sanity first and foremost.

I got lucky when I left my marriage. He wouldn't go to counselling or anything, so I went alone and that helped build my confidence. I got an apartment and a lawyer and had all the papers drawn up to give him before I told him I was leaving. Since I had the good job and had always made more money than he did, I knew he probably wouldn't spend money on a lawyer. I presented him with a proposed property settlement and things got settled before he had a chance to think about asking me to pay him any kind of support. He did say something once about getting half of my stock options, but I convinced him that since they were options as opposed to grants, they really weren't anything other than pieces of paper that I didn't really own anyway and he dropped it. Whew! :-) I hope your husband's zeal for a "new life" outweigh his desire to go to court over support. Try saying something like, "Alimony? I thought that's what ex-WIVES used to get!" That would probably have worked on my ex since he was SO involved with his image as a macho man. :-)

PM me if you want to have a one-to-one chat any time. I'm working from home 100% of the time now, so I'm usually online and would be happy to act as a sounding board or whatever. :-) I may be across the country from you, but I'm really only a keyboard away.

Grandmato2
Member

07-16-2004

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gidget: SOunds like you are getting alot of support and good advice from some pretty smart people. Change is always difficult no matter what the reason.

Serate
Member

08-21-2001

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gidget sorry you are going through all this.
Some of our experiences that might or might not help....

I agree with going to the area you are thinking of renting at different times of day/night, and also go on different days of the week. And make sure you go when the office is NOT open. Things sure change around this place as soon as the office closes *glares at the who live down below*. Also, see if you can get a list of rules and regulations as it's easier to see what the complex restricts compared to what they actually enforce.

Just because all utilities are paid does NOT mean it's cheaper. We just helped one of my fiance's co-workers move from a studio to a 1-bedroom in the same building he's lived in for a year. They told him told him his utilities would run so high if he moved elsewhere that he'd be paying almost half a months rent more each month. He's in a 575 square foot 1 bedroom apartment. We're in a 1100 square foot 2 bedroom apartment. Our water/sewer/trash is paid so it's just gas heat and electricity for everything else. We added our highest gas bill [coldest month in the winter] and our highest electricity bill [hottest month in the summer AND we had 2 kids staying so it ran even more] to our monthly rent payment and still ended up paying about $70 less than our friend. There is no way our utilities would be that high because it's either high electricity in the summer or high gas in the winter. On the other hand if all utilities are paid you have a straight bill every month. I just budget a little high for gas and electricity.

If you are renting an apartment or condo where you have to pay the water - ask how the water is metered and billed. One thing we found out when looking around here was that the new thing was to charge for water usage w/o individual meters. The complex gets a bill for each building, who then divides it by how many apartments are filled and there's your bill. So those with smaller households end up paying more in the long run because they might not use as much as a family with 2 or 3 kids. Also the places that charged water decided to charge for washer/dryer hook ups. Why when the tenant is paying for water usage and electricity?

Pets: good idea to ask even if you aren't going to have one. I LOVE DOGS. But I don't appreciate the people who walk 4 buildings down and let their huge Rotti poop his huge poops next to my sidewalk and then don't pick it up. [just one of MANY examples of this complex having rules they do not enforce!] Obviously they don't like poop by their sidewalk or they'd let it go by theirs. But I digress.....

I prefer not living on the first floor for security purposes. And noise issues. We have a cat and the people downstairs hear him walking around at all times. If they think he's loud I'm sure we sound like giant elephants walking around compared to our 13lb cat!

Renting houses vs apt or condo. Lots of pros and cons to each. Houses usually you have more privacy but have to do yard work and minor repairs. Apt/condos most maintenance is done [though you might wait until 4pm to get the snow shoveled off if it's a big complex]. Less privacy and alot of noise in apartments especially when you have neighbors like I do. Before living in this place I would have said there was more security in an apt/condo than a house but *looks downstairs* now I'd have to say I guess it depends on where you are at.

Corporate vs. private landlords? I've had both, and I've had problems with both and good experiences with both. Personally I think it's the luck of the draw.

When I was by myself the apartment route was the way for me, although now I think I'd go for a house even if I was alone. Now I can't wait until we move to a house again - and hopefully that will be by the end of September. [waiting on a house to be built so we can move into the old house - out in the country but on a paved road YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

If you're having problems trying to think about getting rid of stuff now you could always put items in storage. [I know I know Lk is probably gonna bop me for saying that *L* and I deserve it - you should see our spare "bedroom"! When the girls visited they slept amongst towers of boxes!] Just be sure to label boxes well. Yeah it would be easier to do it as you move but it's gonna be an emotional journey and you might just want to wait until you're more settled before you start pitching stuff.


Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The alimony thing is most likely only a threat to get what he wants. My lawyer does not think he will get it since he has a great deal more education than me. It is not my fault he did not maximize his opportunities. And fortunately my significant financial boost came only in the last couple of years. So there are no lifestyle issues to consider. In fact, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. He too had macho problems. This is more about me succeeding where he has not. For me the drive to succeed was always for 'us'. Not me alone. But unfortunately it is one stereotype that still prevails all too often. Culture is also playing a very strong role. My husband comes from a very traditional culture and tho he is outwardly not like them, when push came to shove the seed very deeply planted in him began to bear fruit.

Thank you for the offer to talk. I suspect I have rough days ahead as the divorce becomes more real. Until now I have been coasting. I thought if I gave him his space he would come to his senses. But intstead he seems to be moving in the opposite direction. Enjoying the carefree single life with his young nephews. At this point I have at least decided no matter how I feel about him I have to divorce him for the sake of my sanity. What we decide to do after that is another matter. But I will never be legally or financially tied to another person again. My decisions are not always the best but I will not live with someone running my life ever again.


Lkunkel
Member

10-29-2003

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
"If you're having problems trying to think about getting rid of stuff now you could always put items in storage."

::sigh:: she did not just say that....wanders off to find wall to bang head against....

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thank you Grandmato2. They have sure given me a lot to think about today. And trying to put my thoughts into words sure helps. I wasnt looking to talk about getting divorced but somehow that snuck in here. Sometimes things happen because they are supposed to.

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Wow Serate that was a lot of good stuff. Thanks so much for sharing. Under the circumstances I am hoping to make a choice I can live with for the next 12 months. Then go from there. I will probably start looking for a permanent home in the spring. As I said earlier I am getting some good incentives from my company to buy. If I find I like apartment living I will probably go with a condo or townhouse to buy. Less responsibility for a woman alone. But if I discover I hate it and I just might, I am a bit of a loner, I will then know to look for a single family home.

Thank you for the points about inclusive vs ala carte utilities. I liked the idea of knowing what my bill would be every month. And I was really scared about electric bills in full electric apartments.

Also your point about the rules and enforcement were well taken. I hadnt thought about enforcement that much. Frankly I am less concerned about doggie doo at the moment than this whole bug issue.

As far as storing stuff goes that will just be more money out of pocket that I really cant afford right now. And I would need more than an extra bedroom. I will probably wind up doing both. Getting rid of some stuff and hanging on to other stuff for a while yet.

Having a large house with an attic and garage has allowed me to hide a lot of clutter but it still creeps in. I have always wanted a picture perfect home and have never had one. Now is my chance. It is up to me to decide what is more important... the stuff... or walking into a clean attractive home.


Luvmyjrt
Member

09-18-2003

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
LK: you crack me up! That was tooooooo funny!

Gidget
Member

07-28-2002

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 2:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dont give up on me Lkunkel. I have many years of ingrained behaviour to undo.