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Archive through April 27, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Parenting Place {ARCHIVES}: Trolling for Hugs: Archive through April 27, 2004 users admin

Author Message
Cindori
Member

07-25-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 8:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dh and I have been trying to conceive our second child for roughly two years. This past weekend I got two faint positives on two different brands of pregnancy tests. To my incredible dismay I received my unwelcome "visitor" on Saturday night. My doctor's office says that the egg evidently fertilized but didn't implant well, thus having a "early abortive pregnancy."

I'm very sad . . . and I feel badly for being so upset. I feel incredibly blessed to have my dd, but I want another child very much, both for dh and I to multiply the love we feel for her and to provide her with a sibling (something I feel strongly about).

It seems almost no one in my real life feels for me . . . my family says I should just be happy with having one child (and I am). One of my best friends is pregnant with her second and she seems to be the only one that understands my pain and I'm thankful for that.

I feel disheartened and depressed, but also guilty, since my family is making me feel I don't appreciate what I have.

So, here I am, trolling for hugs and sympathy, and any advice anyone would like to give.

We're not giving up, btw. We're starting another round of drugs this month.



Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 8:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
biggest hugs (((((((( cindori)))))))))

i so wanted a second child, but with all the complications of my holly (her birth, her adhd, her sids)i couldn't subject another child to all of that hardships (doctors repeatedly said at least a 90% chance of the adhd).

growing up with siblings is a wonderful thing. i grew up an only child, my husband grew up with 3 sisters. they depend on each other. they have always watched over one another. yes, they had their childhood squabbles and such. but no matter what they love one another. i never knew that. wanting your daughter to know that is an incredible thing. i wish you luck.

i wish you the best of luck.

advice for you: make like bunnies!


Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 8:48 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Cindori, I'd hug you, but first reassure me that's not YOUR picture in your profile! :-)

I have one living child, thru the help of modern science. Before that, I'd had several miscarriages, some of them like yours, where the egg was apparently fertilized but something went wrong very early.

It's possible that your family may be just trying to console you, but they make the mistake we all often do when dealing with someone who is grieving, and that is trying to come up with something positive to offset the loss. But really, what you need to hear is that they understand your loss, and they care.

You already know that you have a great gift in your daughter. But you've also suffered a loss, and you have the right to grieve over that loss. Don't deny yourself that opportunity, even if others don't understand. It's okay to be grateful for your daughter AND to grieve at the same time.

Please take care and let us know how it goes. I care.



Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 8:58 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I am so sorry. I suffered through many miscarriages and thankfully became a mother via adoption. I understand how well meaning friends and family can just devastate you sometimes.
Hang in there!

Ginger1218
Member

08-31-2001

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 8:59 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Cindori, have you tried Fertility Doctors and/or High Risk Pregnancy OB/GYNs. They are doing wonderful things now. My gynecologist is a fertility and reproduction specialist and she has helped so many women who had problems conceive and the high risk OB/GYNs follow through and keep the pregnancy from terminating. Perhaps uterine suppositories to keep the uterine lining in good shape for holding the fetus.
Be patient and keep thinking positive. In the worst case scenario, you can adopt a sibling for your daughter.
And don't let anybody ever make you feel guilty for feelings that are yours.

Eliz87
Member

07-30-2001

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 9:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{{CINDORI}}}

Cindori
Member

07-25-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 9:11 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Landi, thank you for the hugs! I understand your dilemma with your daughter and I feel for you. I have two brothers and two sisters and dh has one sister. I just can't imagine not having siblings and I really want my daughter to have the relationships (like you said) of siblings. Ideally I want three, but I'll settle for two.

Karuuna, rest assured, that's not my picture in my profile, but I happen to think she's beyoootiful! Thank you for the positive words and kind thoughts. Perhaps my family is trying to console me, but I really do feel as though they're reprimanding me. KWIM? My sympathies for your losses . . . thanks again.

Texannie, thank you for your kind thoughts . . . and my sympathies for you, too!

Ginger, my dd was conceived with some medical help, yes. We're starting that again this month. We were hoping to avoid that route, but we're trying again! Thank you for your kind words . . . I'm trying very hard not to feel guilty.

Eliz, thank you. It amazes me how much better the wonderful people on this board make me feel!

Bobbie_552001
Member

03-26-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 9:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Cindori....get down here girl and I'll give you a hug!!

Recently my sons friend died in a car accident. I so wanted my family and friends to understand how deep my grief was. Years ago I lost a baby when I was 7 months pregnant. I still grieve her...and always will. I remember her birthday, what the day was like the day that I lost her...what I was doing, who I was with. I'm alone in those thoughts. I've learned through the years that my family and friends can't stand to see me in pain. So whether its right or wrong, when I so desperatly want them to acknowledge it...they feel that it will go away if they ignore it.

I'm glad that you could come here....and many prayers and hugs are going out from me to all of you....

Wargod
Member

07-16-2001

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 9:33 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Aw, Cindori, I'm so sorry.

When I had my miscarriage, I heard alot of people say things that were supposed to be positive and helpful that just came out sounding cold. Most of them just didn't know what to say or do to help.

Don't feel guilty for your feelings. If you need to scream, cry or yell, go ahead and do it. Whatever makes you feel better and helps you through this.

{{{Cindori}}}

Lumbele
Member

07-12-2002

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 9:33 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
(((Cindori)))

Cindori
Member

07-25-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 10:12 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Bobbie, Wargod, Lumbele, thank you so much. I just love all you guys to death!

It's so weird . . . I feel deeply saddened . . . but with the way the people around me act (I've only told a few people, oddly enough the ones I felt would be MOST supportive) . . . it feels like I'm trying to figure out how upset I am allowed to be . . . it confuses me so much . . . and their attitudes just make me feel worse. Angry, even. ::sigh::


Ginger1218
Member

08-31-2001

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Cindori, I have only one thing to say
Screw em!!!!

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{{Cindori}}}

You are grieving, sweetie. And you need to do that in your own time and in your own way. You are a courageous person, Cindori, and I trust that you'll know when it's time to put those feelings away.

Some people deny or ignore and bottle up their feelings and they think they are being helpful by telling you to do the same. And that's probably just because that's how their parents handled things.

We all have different ways of coping, but I happen to think that working through your feelings rather than bottling them up is far healthier.

So feel what you feel and don't apologize to anyone for that.

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 12:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thanks for the sympathies, it hurt for a long time, but it's amazing, my son looks just like my dh and my dd acts just like me. I truly believe that God gives you the babies you are supposed to have.

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 12:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Private pain has to be the hardest kind because as you say...you don't know how much to share and the support you need is not forthcoming but as long as YOU realize the pain is real, Cindori, it will take time for it to lessen.

Is there a possibility to adopt a sibling for your daughter? I have read so many times of couples welcoming an new child into their home, then oft times that good news is doubled with a blessing again, to you both (((((hug)))))}

Annie...wow...that is just beautiful...a baby boy...custom made for you!!

I will be honest...my eyes are a little moist thinking about it :-)

Lucy
Member

10-08-2002

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 1:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I totally understand your pain too, Cindori. I only have one child as well, and I would have loved to have had a second baby. People don't understand the emotional side of what you're going through. For those of us with fertility problems it can be even more heartbreaking because of the rollercoaster ride we've been on trying to conceive.

Take time to feel the sadness that you feel. Try not to stress over what anyone else says, they're not being mean, they just don't completely understand your pain.

{{{{{Cindori}}}}}}}

Zules
Member

08-21-2000

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 1:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Awww, {{{Cin}}}. I have no words of wisdom to share as I have not been in your shoes. I can only agree with everyone here who has already said that you needn't feel guilty. My darling Cin, those are your feelings and you have a right to them.

I am sending prayers your way and my wishes for a fast conception and a healthy pregnancy.

Cindori
Member

07-25-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 1:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Ginger, I'd love to just blow them off . . . one of these days I might learn how.

Herc, you know I love you doll! It's good to see you . . . and I'm trying to work through my feelings. It's just hard when they're seen as invalid by people close to me, kwim?

Rupert, you're right, I know the pain is real. And it hurts more for my family to disregard it. We haven't talked about adoption much but I imagine we'll look into that route. Thanks!

Lucy, I know it's one of those things that only a fellow sufferer can completely understand. And you're right, part of the problem is the almost getting there . . . I was so genuinely surprised and happy about the positive that it crushed me when it wasn't to be. When I'm feeling this down I have trouble remembering that people AREN'T trying to be mean, kwim?

Thanks much, Zules . . . I've spent most of today trying to keep tears out of my eyes, including now. You guys are great.

Not1worry
Member

07-30-2002

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 1:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{{Cindori}}} Lots of hugs your way. I'm one of those who doesn't quite know what to say either. But I wanted you to know that I care and I hope the best for you and your family. I know it seems like you are walking through a valley right now, but I hope you reach the higher ground soon.

Cindori
Member

07-25-2003

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 1:25 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Thanks, Not1. It really means a lot. It amazes me, really . . . I come and go from this board, but if I reach out I find so many wonderful helping hands.

Awareinva
Member

08-13-2001

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 1:32 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Lots of hugs {{{{Cindori}}}}. I too had to go the infertility route over five years and two miscarriages to get my first two beautiful children. The second miscarriage was the hardest because like you, we were uncertain then found out that the embryo didn't "take". I remember crying to dh that I didn't even get a chance to be happy before I lost that baby. Even 12 years later it still hurts. But to give you hope.... I just had child number three (see my folder for pics)totally naturally. Of course DD and DS are almost 13 and 11 so it was quite a big surprise. So my point is.... don't give up!!!:-) Miracles do happen and I will be sending you all kinds of positive energy!!!

Mygetaway
Member

08-23-2000

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 2:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{Cindori}}

I've got a story here about why you should never give up hope! A good friend of mine had one child very young. FF about 10 years and she is now married, and wants to have a child with her husband. The Doc's say that it won't happen because there are just too many complications going on inside of her. They did a couple procedures, but basically they gave up all hope. FF another few months. She starts babysitting for her brand new niece when her SIL goes back to work. Within that first month of caring for the baby...Bam! she's pregnant. Nine months later she had a healthy, happy, baby boy. Somehow having that baby around made her body overcome all the problems, and give her what she so greatly wanted.

So, please don't give up, and I wish you the best of luck!!

Reader234
Member

08-13-2000

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 12:49 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
{{{Cind}}} and grabbing Bobbie for a group {{{HUGS}} as well...

its amazing, we all have stories to share... when I had an ectopic pregnancy (after 2 other miscarraignes, and 2 ds) 11 years after yound ds, and definately not planned... I'll never forget the look tthat doctor gave me.... 'you're crying? you know I think we can chart you're only losing your right side - you may still be able to conceive again, but you already have 2 boys?"

My response... I'm grieving.... I've also learned that when you experience a loss, you also grab in your mind and experience all previous losses... so my tears were shed not only for that pregancy, but for the other 2 miscarries, as well as the deaths of my friends, grandparents... dreams, etc....

{{{Hugs}}} thank you for sharing your grief, for trusting us with it as well!

Texannie
Member

07-16-2001

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 1:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Heck, after years of infertility, miscarriage, tubal, and being 45 years old (definitely not wanting anymoe kids!), I greived when I had my hysterectomy. We greive for what we lost, the dreams that didn't happen and the fantasy of what should have been.

Weinermr
Member

08-18-2001

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 1:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Cindori, I agree with Ginger, and everyone else here. Your feelings are yours, and absolutely right and valid for you.

I don't have any practical advice for you, except to hang in there. And yes, we all do care very much.

{{{Cindori}}}