Author |
Message |
Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Sunday, July 18, 2004 - 6:57 pm
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it.!!! This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Sunday, July 18, 2004 - 7:08 pm
Snappy Answers #1 - A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he Opened his trench coat and d flashed her. Without missing a beat she d said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." #2 - A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,"No ma'am,they're dead." #3 - The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. #4 - A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." #5 - A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider - a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised! his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." #6 - One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, July 19, 2004 - 3:05 pm
Company Motivation Posters You'll Probably Never See 1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 2) It's only unethical if you get caught. 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4) We put the "k" in "kwality." 5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. 6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! 7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. 8) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. 9) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 10) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 11) Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 12) If at first you don't succeed, try management. 13) Never quit until you have another job. 14) The floggings will continue until morale improves.
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Wednesday, July 21, 2004 - 8:32 am
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Then one absolutely gorgeous blond, possibly the finest blonde ever in the history of the world, comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF!!!
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Beckyann
Member
06-23-2004
| Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 9:43 am
Curtain Rods She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping, airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. They finally had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new home. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly. She would even be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth; but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyer delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS!!!
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 9:56 am
ROFLMBO!!!!
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 4:40 pm
Oh that is a good one, a good story for our jilted ex girlfriends club.
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Seamonkey
Member
09-07-2000
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 7:23 pm
Non - partisan political joke: While walking down the street one day, a US senator is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted"
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Kady
Member
07-30-2000
| Thursday, August 19, 2004 - 4:07 pm
YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN: 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together 2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out, but you stay home 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the porch. 8. When happy hour is a nap 9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer 16. Your address book has mostly name that start with Doctor 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long to look half as good 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into an apple, and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Friday, August 27, 2004 - 5:25 pm
One day while at the track betting on the ponies, Bill noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold that horse won the race. Bill was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bill made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again the horse won. Bill collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, bill bet on it, and it won! Bill was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bill began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and waited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Bill bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. Making his way to the track, he found the priest and demanded, "What happened, father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.
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Serate
Member
08-21-2001
| Saturday, August 28, 2004 - 6:16 pm
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you poop on its head." AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Tuesday, August 31, 2004 - 1:16 am
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt . . . one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps . . . He whispers . . . Iron this--and then get me a beer.”
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Wednesday, September 01, 2004 - 7:08 am
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?" "Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Wednesday, September 01, 2004 - 7:13 am
Some Maxineisms...

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Ladytex
Member
09-27-2001
| Wednesday, September 01, 2004 - 9:42 am
LOL, I love Maxine ...
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Wednesday, September 01, 2004 - 12:49 pm
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is that?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women from our congregation who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service--the 9:15 or the 11:00?"
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Saturday, September 04, 2004 - 10:47 pm
Isn't This The Truth!? An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
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Zules
Member
08-21-2000
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 1:41 pm
Hurricane Ivan's new projected path:

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Tigerfan
Member
11-06-2003
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 1:51 pm
ROFL ZULES!!
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 7:21 pm
worms Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive. So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment. " Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 7:24 pm
A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 7:25 pm
Gender of Living Things You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender; For example... 1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 7:27 pm
The Washington Post Contest: Best Reasons for not coming to work - If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. - When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. - I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. - My stigmata's acting up. - I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok? - I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... - I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart - Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with AT&T, but thank you for calling. - Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. - I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. - The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. - The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. - I prefer to remain an enigma. - My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. - I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. - I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. - I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. - My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son. - I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. - I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I should come in?
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 10:05 am
Loved those, GG!! MICHELIN MAN DENIES PATERNITY SUIT

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Biscottiii
Member
05-29-2004
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 8:33 pm
Great Jokes Everyone! I hadn't noticed this thread was here. Smart Thinkin An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
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