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Anyone have a 10-yr-old (other ages t...

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Parenting Place {ARCHIVES}: Anyone have a 10-yr-old (other ages too) that will not do what she's told? Where's that thread? users admin

Author Message
Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 7:04 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Here's that thread Emmy. I don't have a ten year old yet, but I am curious to see what you all have to say about getting a 10 yr. old (or any age really) to do what they are told to. Any successes, failures, etc. would be helpful.

Sewmommy
Member

07-06-2004

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 11:21 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Talking youself hoarse?
It really depends on the day and the task in our house. My 2 dd (4&8) are coopertive 75-80% of the time. But when its bad, I am ready to tear my hair out.
I know, not really helpful. What are you trying to get the 10 yr old to do?


Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 11:32 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Karuuna, can you post your piece from the nanny thread here? I don't want to paste and copy your stuff. I think it is a great advice.

Luvmyjrt
Member

09-18-2003

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 2:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
No, but I have a 16 and 41 year old that won't do what they are told either!

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 2:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dang, that's quite an age difference. I thought the 17 1/2 year difference i have w/ my brother was large.

Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 2:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Here ya go, Julie! Thanks! :-) (PS, I edited it some too.)

Karuuna
Member
08-31-2000 Friday, December 03, 2004 - 8:56 am ΚΚ ΚΚΚ
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My son is ten, and does almost everything he is *asked* to do -- I rarely rarely tell him to do anything. I think that's an important difference. Telling almost always sets up a power struggle. Asking and negotiating set up a team, an alliance and most people (kids and adults) respond better to the team approach. Plus it averts that knee-jerk reaction we all have (adults included) to being told what to do.

I also think it's important that you have logical consequences for behavior problems. However, I've never taken any of his property away, and I thought the trash bag thing was a bit harsh, tho very effective in a situation that's gotten way out of control. For example, I want him to be very independent about his homework, so rather than get into struggles over it, we talk about what needs to be done that night and he *agrees* what time he will do it. If he doesn't meet that agreement, we don't play a game or watch a movie or whatever it was that we were going to do after the homework was done, *until* the homework is done. Also if he puts off doing the homework until bedtime, at which point he is just miserable, I point out to him that the next time he may want to consider planning an earlier time so that he doesn't end up making himself miserable.

But mostly, in my case, I've found that we have a great cooperative relationship. We respect each other. And because he wants that mutual respect and cooperation to continue, we negotiate what needs to done, agree to it and it generally gets done. In other words, he does what needs to be done because he values the relationship we have as mother and son. And we both like it better when that relationship is about getting along respectfully, rather than a power struggle. Ultimately, that's what provides the motivation for him. Neither of us do particularly well when there's discord; and we both know it. So we both cooperate in order to avoid that discord.

His room is reasonably clean, and he does his homework most nights without reminders. He also does his chores but needs gentle reminders more frequently on that. For the most part he handles that reminder well, but he does say I nag him sometimes. We're working on a solution to that together. :-)

It wasn't always that way, but I think for each child you have to find solutions that work for that child. In other words, kids have different things that they value and therefore different motivations, and you have to figure out what works for your kid. It's more effortful than the simple solutions, but really pays off in the long run.



Lumbele
Member

07-12-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 2:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Just imagine having a 21 and 57 year-old that won't listen, Julie.


Luvmyjrt
Member

09-18-2003

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 2:33 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Oh, did not know we couldn't include DH's in here! My bad!

Lumbele
Member

07-12-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 2:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
LOL, Luv, now ya tell me.

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 2:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
oh I get it!!! Duh!

Deesandy
Member

08-12-2003

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 7:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I have an almost four year old who has started talking back to me. I pray that I can nip it in the bud before she is 10 years old and still doing it.

How do I make that happen anyway?

Julieboo
Member

02-05-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 7:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Good question!

Pamy
Member

01-02-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 8:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Lil Diva's are hard to train! LOL

Landi
Member

07-29-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 9:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
my little diva (who is now taller than me) is training me instead of me training her!

Jmm
Member

08-16-2002

Friday, December 03, 2004 - 11:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Deesandy, I would suggest you decide what the consequences of talking back will be and then every time she does it, enforce the consequence. You must be consistent and never let it slide. I have an 11 year old who thinks if you let something slide once that it becomes the new rule. Consistency is the key.

Karuuna
Member

08-31-2000

Saturday, December 04, 2004 - 9:23 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The good news is that backtalking is a normal developmental step at that age! It means that your child is learning how to be more independent; and also that your child trusts you enough to take some risks with you, as she tries out new behavior. I worry far more about children that never go thru that stage!

So, first step, acknowledge your child's feelings. The goal here is to model how your child should express her feelings to you, instead of being rude.

Second, remind her that in your house, you don't speak to each other rudely, and that you could "hear" her better if she speaks politely.

Third, ask her if she'd like to try again. Then if she does better, praise her.

Fourth, repeat your original request and move on. She'll likely be a lot more cooperative once she's been acknowledged and felt heard.

You may need to modify those steps for your child. Some kids will see the rephrasing of their feelings as reinforcement for the backtalk, and you'll also want to drop that step eventually once your little one has learned to express themselves in a more appropriate way. And like all good modeling for our children, it will take patience and many repetitions. Try to remember she's still learning the rules of appropriate behavior; so it's your job to repeat, just like you do with the alphabet or numbers.

Some kids are stronger willed than others, and it may take another more hardline approach to deal with your child's backtalk. But I'd start here, it does work for most kids.

Good luck!

Reader234
Member

08-13-2000

Saturday, December 04, 2004 - 10:00 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Kar I also like to label it, for my benifet as well as theirs, with so much input from tv, I begin to wonder if they realize at the younger ages that it is backtalk/disrespectful.

At school when I teach, every now and again I'll hear something snippy, and I'll call them on it... now mind you I never tell a student to do things "my way" I usually ask them if that's "allowed".. ie, does Mrs Teacher let you sit there during free reading? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no (It freaks me out sometimes seeing a student sitting in the teacher's desk, but if the teacher allows it, I try and keep the classroom's routine) However, every now and again you get a student who will try and push the limits, and will say something, and then I will ask them if that's respectful, usually because of my attitude I get a smile and an apology, I try not to be overbearing, yet in control.

and I find it much easier to do at school, then at home with my very strong willed dd!! Altho, she doesnt talk back, her habit of debating every rule gets quite annoying!! (and I chalk that up to listening to her 2 brothers 16, 19 discuss things with us...)

Llkoolaid
Member

08-01-2001

Sunday, December 05, 2004 - 3:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I have a 10 year old daughter, she is my third daughter, yes they can be snippy, but I am enjoying these years, soon, so very very soon she will be 13. Lol, 10 will seem like I had an angel in the house in a few years.

Reader234
Member

08-13-2000

Sunday, December 05, 2004 - 3:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
aw geee Ll, thanks for that reminder!! Its trying to keep her engaged in learning, or active in something, when that happens, I take the opportunity to discuss other times, and how we can work together. Again, easier said than done, but I like to remind her we do love each other!!