Author |
Message |
Mocha
| Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 8:58 pm
Actually I'm not big on Denzel, that's Ladyt and Lori.
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Nancy
| Monday, December 29, 2003 - 11:33 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, December 29, 2003 "The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
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Nancy
| Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 11:52 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, December 30, 2003 This is a one line proof...... if we start sufficiently far to the left. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven." Humor them -- act impressed. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
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Nancy
| Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 9:28 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, December 31, 2003 "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
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Nancy
| Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 11:51 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, January 1, 2004 "I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?" Death thought about it "Cats," he said eventually, "Cats are Nice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do). Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels. Leo (July 23 - August 22) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague
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Nancy
| Friday, January 02, 2004 - 4:38 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, January 2, 2004 The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. William J. Broad -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
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Lancecrossfire
| Friday, January 02, 2004 - 4:42 pm
I don't hold much of a grudge, but my large invisible friend is pretty pissed off!
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Nancy
| Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 3:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, January 3, 2004 The easy way is always mined. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
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Nancy
| Sunday, January 04, 2004 - 12:20 pm
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, January 4, 2004 Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use. -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day for a nice nap. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
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Nancy
| Monday, January 05, 2004 - 5:08 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, January 5, 2004 My karma ran over your dogma. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?." Leo (July 23 - August 22) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock Libra (September 22 - October 22) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll have a brilliant idea, but nobody will take you seriously. You should be able to will them over with pure logic, however. There must be millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there - how many of them wouldn't want an itsy bitsy chainsaw? Maybe if you start off with the little teensy shovel and wheelbarrow Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
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Lancecrossfire
| Monday, January 05, 2004 - 8:07 pm
I'm a gemini--at least I have a very short drive.
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Nancy
| Tuesday, January 06, 2004 - 2:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, January 6, 2004 One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus.
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Nancy
| Wednesday, January 07, 2004 - 8:13 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, January 7, 2004 Carpe Diem - Seize the day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).
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Nancy
| Thursday, January 08, 2004 - 12:13 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, January 8, 2004 I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffeeiz. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
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Nancy
| Friday, January 09, 2004 - 1:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, January 9, 2004 "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
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Nancy
| Saturday, January 10, 2004 - 1:21 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, January 10, 2004 It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to learn to play the tuba. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
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Nancy
| Monday, January 12, 2004 - 4:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, January 12, 2004 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Rich Cook -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat." Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.
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Nancy
| Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 5:08 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, January 13, 2004 After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
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Grannyg
| Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 6:04 pm
Nancy, I'm a Virgo and this weekend my football team, The Indianopolis Colts are playing and I really, really, want them to win. Do you think you could gaze into your crystal ball and fine a humorscope that says my Colts will win? Thanks. Oh and Adven is an Aquarius and his favorite team, the New England Patriots, are playing my Colts. So while you are gazing maybe you could find one that says his Pats are gonna get beat. Thanks, again.
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Nancy
| Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 8:20 pm
ummm Granny no can do--I live about 30 miles outside Boston LOL
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Grannyg
| Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 8:27 pm
ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, thanks for thinking about it for about 1 sec. I really do enjoy your humorscopes. Thanks for doing them.
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Nancy
| Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 11:35 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, January 14, 2004 "Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
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Nancy
| Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 11:48 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, January 15, 2004 "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that Tank, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? Libra (September 22 - October 22) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy candles that you see in gift stores. Try "Love" or "Inspiration" for example. (Avoid "Death" or "Decay.") Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.
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Nancy
| Friday, January 16, 2004 - 11:22 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, January 16, 2004 Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. Mariah Carey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
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Nancy
| Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 1:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, January 17, 2004 "Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent." -- Friedrich Nietzsche -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity."..er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will wake up from your nap with a cat on your lap. Funny thing is you don't have a cat!
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