Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 3:24 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, August 10, 2004 "I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 11, 2004 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Leo (July 23 - August 22) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, August 12, 2004 - 4:11 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, August 12, 2004 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 13, 2004 - 3:31 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, August 13, 2004 "What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 16, 2004 - 3:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 16, 2004 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton." (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Libra (September 22 - October 22) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. day,
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 3:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, August 17, 2004 "The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it." -- P. B. Medawar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.) Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr." Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Hide.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 3:26 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 18, 2004 Immortality, n: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 20, 2004 - 10:13 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, August 20, 2004 "Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come." -- Nietchze -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, August 20, 2004 - 10:14 am
sorry i missed yesterday's--but kitty worries kept me off-kilter 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, August 21, 2004 - 2:25 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, August 21, 2004 "I'm not crazy...I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years" -- Shirley McClane in Steel Magnolias -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 23, 2004 - 3:03 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 23, 2004 If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. ~ Alfred North Whitehead -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake." I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 3:06 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, August 24, 2004 For coats made for ladies from their own skin. In the window of a Sweddish furrier -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, August 25, 2004 "Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -- Jules de Gaultier -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, August 26, 2004 "Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question." -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip." Sounds like party attire to me! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, August 29, 2004 - 5:01 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, August 29, 2004 "It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do." -- Jerome K. Jerome -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, August 30, 2004 - 10:21 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, August 30, 2004 Telling us to obey our instinct is like telling us to obey 'people.' People say different things: so do instincts. Our instincts are at war. C.S. Lewis The Abolition of Man -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.) Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, August 31, 2004 - 9:33 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, August 31, 2004 One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy." Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, September 01, 2004 - 3:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, September 1, 2004 It is the part of a wise man to keep himself to-day for to-morrow, and not to venture all his eggs in one basket. ~ Miguel De Cervantes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze." You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 3:22 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, September 2, 2004 Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, September 03, 2004 - 3:05 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, September 3, 2004 "A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things." -- Herman Melville -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It' s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess"). Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This might be a good time to learn how to really "flick" your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I'm betting it's soon, though, in your case. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, September 06, 2004 - 10:01 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, September 6, 2004 "After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one." -- Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good. Leo (July 23 - August 22) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of Doug. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 3:34 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, September 7, 2004 "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 9:56 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, September 8, 2004 Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This is a good time to knock on wood. As you know, that's a way of thanking the leprechauns for your recent good fortune. Or if you can find some formica, knock on that - that thanks the mutant sludge creature who is hiding under the stairs. It all depends who you want on your side, I guess. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to learn to play the tuba. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 10:02 am
i'm skeered my birthday is saturday i don't wanna go to jail! 
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 3:37 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, September 9, 2004 "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff." That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish
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