Author |
Message |
Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, October 07, 2004 - 10:29 am
LOL not home but found a cheap cyber cafe one street over from me(i'm on 48th cafe is on 49th)..I'll be home tomorrow 
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Grannyg
Member
05-28-2002
| Thursday, October 07, 2004 - 2:40 pm
Yay!!!! for cyber cafe!!!!! Yay!!! for home tomorrow!!!!!!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, October 08, 2004 - 3:09 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, October 8, 2004 "You can fool too many of the people too much of the time." -- James Thurber -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, October 11, 2004 - 10:25 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, October 11, 2004 If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal. Jimmy Hill - BBC -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon." My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 3:25 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, October 12, 2004 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery." Probably a little of both, I'd guess. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 3:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, October 13, 2004 Ladies have fits upstairs. Outside a Hong Kong dress shop -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, October 14, 2004 - 3:17 pm
Daily Humorscope Thursday, October 14, 2004 A day without sunshine is like night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, October 15, 2004 - 2:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, October 15, 2004 Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't not Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy." Tomorrow's better, for that one. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day. ice.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, October 16, 2004 - 3:25 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, October 16, 2004 The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat oneself. Bailey (1816-1902) English Poet -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face." Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark." Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, October 17, 2004 - 9:56 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, October 17, 2004 Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning. George Carlin, Comedian, As Hippy Dippy Weatherman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, October 18, 2004 - 3:08 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, October 18, 2004 It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else. James M. Barrie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of iguanas, today. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 12:36 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, October 19, 2004 I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Leo (July 23 - August 22) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight." Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 3:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, October 20, 2004 There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort. -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well. Libra (September 22 - October 22) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 3:24 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, October 21, 2004 "I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends...that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them." -- Adlai Stevenson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant." Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, October 22, 2004 - 9:26 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, October 22, 2004 I'm never wrong. Once, I thought I was, but I was mistaken. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, October 25, 2004 - 9:14 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, October 25, 2004 "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to act extremely childish. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. Leo (July 23 - August 22) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 9:45 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, October 26, 2004 "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." -- Jerome K. Jerome -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though). Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 3:13 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, October 27, 2004 No matter where you go, there you are. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 4:07 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, October 28, 2004 Never argue with anyone: remember, he too has a right to his own stupid opinion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, October 31, 2004 - 10:38 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, October 31, 2004 "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." -- Goethe (1749-1832) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, November 01, 2004 - 12:32 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, November 1, 2004 I can resist anything but temptation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... Libra (September 22 - October 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, November 02, 2004 - 10:25 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, November 2, 2004 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of celery. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, November 03, 2004 - 4:18 pm
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, November 3, 2004 Stress: a condition created when the brain overides the bodily propensity to beat the living shit out of someone who needs it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, November 04, 2004 - 2:30 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, November 4, 2004 Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all. Sam Ewing -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia." He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, November 05, 2004 - 4:20 pm
=^,,^= The Daily Humorscope Friday, November 5, 2004 It's like deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra Aries (March 21 - April 19) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. Leo (July 23 - August 22) At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
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