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Carrie92
Member
09-15-2003
| Tuesday, November 02, 2004 - 6:27 am
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! ) WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
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Katoncoast
Member
07-31-2004
| Tuesday, November 02, 2004 - 8:48 am
Love, Lust & Marriage Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" Marriage:4 Happy Meals . . . to go Love: Giving your love some candy Lust: Thinking you are the candy Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet Love: A night out at the Symphony Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice Love: Aroma -French perfume Lust: Aroma -Brut aftershave Marriage: Aroma -"The baby needs changing. . ." Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ." Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket Love: Talking and cuddling Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . . Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room Love: Long drives through the countryside Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat Love: Sex every night Lust: Sex 5 times a night Marriage: Sex ???
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Wink
Member
10-06-2000
| Tuesday, November 02, 2004 - 10:59 am
Pamy this one is for you. Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player! >
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Ocean_islands
Member
09-07-2000
| Wednesday, November 03, 2004 - 3:57 pm
Assistant Uses Cake To Smuggle Cake-Decorating Set To Martha Stewart ALDERSON, WVAuthorities at Alderson Federal Prison have detained Becki Uecker, Martha Stewart's personal assistant, for smuggling a cake-decorating kit to her boss in an almond three-layer cake with lemon-zest icing. "Ms. Uecker attempted to pass a Dessert Decorator Pro to Ms. Stewart during visiting hours," corrections officer Frank Wickler said. "Although this device may be perfect for making stars, leaves, and rosettes, it's considered contraband at a correctional facility." In addition to the frosting gun, the kit included six nickel-plated tips, two tip couplers, and a storage bag.
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Ocean_islands
Member
09-07-2000
| Wednesday, November 03, 2004 - 3:59 pm
National Museum Of The Middle Class Opens In Schaumburg, IL SCHAUMBURG, ILThe Museum of the Middle Class, featuring historical and anthropological exhibits addressing the socioeconomic category that once existed between the upper and lower classes, opened to the public Monday. "The splendid and intriguing middle class may be gone, but it will never be forgotten," said Harold Greeley, curator of the exhibit titled "Where The Streets Had Trees' Names." "From their weekend barbecues at homes with backyards to their outdated belief in social mobility, the middle class will forever be remembered as an important part of American history." Museum guests expressed delight over the traditions and peculiarities of the middle class, a group once so prevalent that entire TV networks were programmed to satisfy its hunger for sitcoms. "It's fascinating to think that these people once drove the same streets as we do today," said Natasha Ohman, a multi-millionaire whose husband's grandfather invented the trigger-safety lock on handguns. "I enjoyed learning how the middle class lived, what their customs were, and what sorts of diversions and entertainment they enjoyed. Being part of this middle class must have been fascinating!"
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Essence
Member
01-12-2002
| Thursday, November 04, 2004 - 6:43 am
The following letters were taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday Times for their humor column.... -------------------------------------------------- Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman -------------------------------------------------- Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid -------------------------------------------------- Dear Maid, I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper -------------------------------------------------- Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman
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Zules
Member
08-21-2000
| Thursday, November 04, 2004 - 11:30 am
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections.....and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Jmm
Member
08-16-2002
| Tuesday, November 16, 2004 - 11:33 pm
Subject: sad news It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 3:57 pm
It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's for millions. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO: 5th place (Tied) Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. 5th place (Tied) 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps. 5th place (Tied) Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by the way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 4th place Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3rd place A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument. 2nd place Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,500 and dental expenses. 1st Place This year's runaway winner was Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, OK. Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago motorhome. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's mannual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago motorhome. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other individuals like Mr. Grazinski buying their recreational vehicles. Unbelievable! Only in America! Tort reform anyone?
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Sasman
Member
07-08-2003
| Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 8:12 am
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with us. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Monday, December 06, 2004 - 5:14 pm

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Katoncoast
Member
07-31-2004
| Monday, December 06, 2004 - 10:10 pm

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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 6:33 pm
Brain Cramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Friday, December 10, 2004 - 11:59 pm
A young boy named Mac asked: "Daddy, how was I born?" His father, Dell, responded: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared from your mother's Gateway and said: 'You've Got Male!'"
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Herckleperckle
Member
11-20-2003
| Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 1:29 am

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Whoami
Member
08-03-2001
| Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 4:25 am
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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Landi
Member
07-29-2002
| Friday, December 17, 2004 - 12:49 pm
Actual Classified Ad in The Atlanta Journal SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, race unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play, take long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights by the fire. Really like a man with a pickup truck. A candlelight dinner will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy.
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 6:40 am
On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree My 12 cats were laughing at me On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 7 half-dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 8 shattered ornaments 7 half-dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 9 chewed-through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half-dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 10 tinsel hairballs 9 chewed-through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half-dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 11 broken branches 10 tinsel hairballs 9 chewed-through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half-dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree 12 cats a-climbing 11 broken branches 10 tinsel hairballs 9 chewed-through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half-dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me
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Gidget
Member
07-28-2002
| Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 6:43 am
Subject: Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged SCHIZOPHRENIA Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) PARANOIA Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. DEPRESSION Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... MANIC Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and Then Took it | All Away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
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Reader234
Member
08-13-2000
| Sunday, January 02, 2005 - 4:09 pm
email scammers are meeting their match - I found the lengths at what this website owner has gone quiet funny... Scams
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, January 05, 2005 - 12:26 pm
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower." You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime there's a 50-50 chance of getting it right, there's 90% probability you'll get it wrong. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would try to pass them. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin bone: a device for finding furniture. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go to court, you put yourself in the hands of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Escapee
Member
06-15-2004
| Wednesday, January 05, 2005 - 12:27 pm
A reporter photographer for a national magazine was assigned to southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted pictures of the heroic work firefighters were doing. Upon arrival the reporter realized the thick smoke would seriously impede, or make impossible, photographs from ground-level, and requested permission to rent a plane for photos from the air. The request was approved, and that there is a single-engine plane waiting at the airport. Arriving at the airfield the reporter saw a plane warming up and immediately jumped in, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for a national magazined, and I need to get some close-up shots" was the response. The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally stammering, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
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Eeyoreslament
Member
07-20-2003
| Thursday, January 06, 2005 - 1:11 am
I thought this would give people a good laugh. 
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Ophiliasgrandma
Member
09-04-2001
| Thursday, January 06, 2005 - 4:28 pm
I'm speechless!
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Pcakes2
Member
08-29-2001
| Friday, January 07, 2005 - 10:26 am
How Many Internet Email List Subscribers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? The answer: 1,343 1 to change the light bulb and 1,342 to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames. 6 to argue over whether itīs "lightbulb" or "light bulb." 6 to condemn those 6 who are arguing as perfectionists. 156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l. 203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLīs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URLīs were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URLīs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLīs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too". 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me tooīs" to say "Me three". 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 44 to ask what is "FAQ". 4 to say "didnīt we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?" 143 to ask "whatīs Usenet?".
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