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Archive through May 17, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through May 17, 2004 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 4:06 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, April 29, 2004 Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink- under any circumstances. -- Mark Twain

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)


Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.

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Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 4:27 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Lol, these are cute, Nancy.

Yep, I can just see myself in a leotard & cape, fighting crime in the neighbourhood!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 30, 2004 - 12:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 30, 2004

"In a mad world only the mad are sane." -- Akira Kurosawa

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Face


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute." Still, this may prove a little awkward.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover that you can see people's auras
today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.

Lancecrossfire
Moderator

07-13-2000

Friday, April 30, 2004 - 12:41 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

According to some, I can accomplish the same thing when I dress in full light

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Friday, April 30, 2004 - 2:39 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Lol..funny Lance :-)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, May 03, 2004 - 3:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, May 3, 2004


"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia." -- Dame Edna Everage

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, May 04, 2004 - 4:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, May 4, 2004


Never underestimate the power of a woman -- nor overestimate her age and weight.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, May 05, 2004 - 6:26 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Psychiatrists tell us the best way to prevent a nervous breakdown is to work hard every day. We'd like to ask - what's the next best way?
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in "Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit" by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of celery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, May 06, 2004 - 3:16 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Thursday, May 6, 2004


Have you noticed that it's much easier to forgive an enemy after you get even with him?
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Deny everything.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, May 07, 2004 - 3:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, May 7, 2004


Some are born with cold feet, some acquire cold feet, and others have cold feet thrust upon them.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery." Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, May 08, 2004 - 11:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, May 8, 2004
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, May 10, 2004 - 3:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, May 10, 2004

"As soon as this rush is over I'm having a nervous breakdown. I've
worked for it- I owe it to myself and no one is going to deprive me of
it!"
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Continue hiding.
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 3:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, May 11, 2004

If life on Earth were to evaporate, and the planet be visited by alien anthropologists, they will wonder at the regularity with which they find brown bottles and aluminum cans in the hollow spaces of concrete walls, and they will conclude that these artifacts represent some sort of offering to some kind of deity with the short name "Beer" and they will discover that the delphic oracle for this God was no doubt a place called "Milwaukee" since it will be there that they will find where most of the icons to this God were created.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Bad day to tease a yak.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day for a nice nap.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 3:12 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, May 12, 2004


Cats are put on earth to remind us that not everything has a purpose.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)


Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 3:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
tomorrow will most likely be my last posting til after my walk this week-end as i will be staying over-nite in boston friday night since i have to be at the walk at 5:30 am :-)

Wargod
Member

07-16-2001

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 3:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Good luck with your walk, Nancy!

Lancecrossfire
Moderator

07-13-2000

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 6:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Best of luck Nancy--and I hope you have some fun along with everything you are doing.

Scootersmom
Member

08-10-2002

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 7:04 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Yay Nancy! :-) Thank you!

Grannyg
Member

05-28-2002

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 7:07 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Hope you really have a great time, Nancy!! Hope your foot is feeling better and that the walk isn't too hard.

Rupertbear
Member

09-19-2003

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 7:11 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
All the best, Nancy.

Mocha
Member

08-12-2001

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 8:19 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Good luck Nancy!!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 4:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, May 13, 2004

The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer...

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of turnips.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, May 14, 2004 - 5:13 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, May 14, 2004


I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Blaise Pascal
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose

Autumn
Member

10-29-2003

Friday, May 14, 2004 - 4:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I love this guy - this site cracks me up daily!

Thanks Nancy, I didn't even know this was here.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, May 17, 2004 - 11:24 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, May 17, 2004
One reason a dog is such a comfort when you're downcast is that he doesn't ask to know why.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby
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