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Archive through April 27, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through April 27, 2004 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, March 29, 2004 - 4:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, March 29, 2004

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Time to ponder a few age old questions, such as: If Miss Piggy loses her voice, does she have a frog in her throat?


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will become an artist of Reddi-Wip and strawberry puree today. Your canvas, however will make it slightly difficult for you to concentrate on what you're doing.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)


You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A trusted friend may give you sage advice. Ask her nicely, and she'll also point you to the freshest basil, thyme, and oregano.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)


Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 5:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It’s time for your to be more independent, Aries. Trust your intuition even more. Get jiggy with it!


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Everything is working out just as it is supposed to. There are no major comets crossing your path. Just calm down and enjoy what you’ve accomplished. It’s ok to pat yourself on the back now and then.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This time next year, you won’t even remember. So why get so wrapped up about it now? Relax. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Lather, rinse, repeat. Please

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

If you sing in the shower, and there’s no one there to hear it, have you made a sound? Do any trees fall in the forest? Again, how about the Hokey-Pokey? Who shot J.R.? Digression is everything right now. Remember that.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You deserve a footrub today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Beware of anything pointed especially if it is pointed your way and look for shadows to cling to. Don't wear bright clothing, you attract things ready to pollinate


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 01, 2004 - 4:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, April 1, 2004
Not to perambulate the corridor in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
In an Austrian hotel catering for skiers


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today, everyone around you will make you
severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Deny everything.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 02, 2004 - 12:13 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 2, 2004
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." -- Truman Capote
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Delegate delegate delegate today!

Don't do anything!

Don't even clean the bathroom - hire a cleaner.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Try to enjoy any moments of levity in any shape or form. Failing that write April off and hide in bed with a good-to-middling book.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

At a fancy dress party with work colleagues, your costume, which was based on a hated office manager, will cause much applause and excitement until the manager unexpectedly turns up behind you as you are in the middle of a detailed mimic of him. Blame Neptune's wicked sense of humour.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!




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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, April 03, 2004 - 5:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, April 3, 2004

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
~ Robert Heinlein

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're been looking for something to make you feel better about yourself.
Why not try delusions of grandeur? That way you get to wear a really
cool hat, and can adopt many striking poses.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You are confused today. Wait, aren't you confused every day? No wait, thats me. Where was I? Are you confused yet?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

nancy says put your hands on your head! nancy says touch your toes! Open your mail in reverse order! Oops! Didn’t say nancy says! Just get your taxes done on time.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will feel like a mouse running on a wheel this week. It might help if you turned down the setting on the tread mill slowly before you try to get off of it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your first Saturday evening meal will be light by the soft light of a single candle. That's because the power company cut you off. Run an extension cord to the neighbor's house

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

There are those around you that will be surprised to see the change in you. If you are male, it means that you have finally gone public with your Jello wrestling fetishes.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Its time for you and your lover to have it out. Remember the rule about fighting in the house and be sure to fill the tub with jello for the match

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

It will be hard for you to stay focused. You will keep having lustful thoughts about a waste treatment worker named Bubba

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 05, 2004 - 10:25 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, April 5, 2004

Son, there are two enormous powers operating in the world and one of them is fear. It is the greatest power of all, save one, and that is faith or believing.

Dr. Smiley Blanton
The Power of Positive Living
by Norman Vincent Peale



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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
\
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch."


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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, April 06, 2004 - 6:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, April 6, 2004

If you don't die from it - it is healthy.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.)


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be "Have you ever thought much about death?" or "Where's the strangest place you ever had sex?."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That's when you'll have to be a bit creative, if you don't want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say "I don't know - I don't really spend that much time on the porch."




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, April 07, 2004 - 11:09 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, April 7, 2004

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" -- Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!." Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Beware of rodents.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.


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Lancecrossfire
Moderator

07-13-2000

Wednesday, April 07, 2004 - 11:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Retract your pseudopod!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, April 07, 2004 - 1:14 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
lance maybe my pschotronic energy can take care of your pseudopod :-)

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 08, 2004 - 3:59 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, April 8, 2004

Another difference between first and second childhood is that usually you have more money to spend during your second

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 09, 2004 - 11:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 9, 2004


We have a tendency to exalt ourselves and to dwell on the weaknesses and mistakes of others.

Jimmy Carter
Why Not the Best?


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.



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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, April 11, 2004 - 5:23 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Sunday, April 11, 2004

A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser,,,
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your date will be just like an episode of "Dawson's Creek." Except the people involved won't be nearly as pretty. Also, you won' t be on TV. Nor will anything that happens make much narrative sense. Actually, your date will be more like a "Zippy the Pinhead" comic strip.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Mars is in Ursa Minor, your house of Andy Kaufman, which means at odd moments this weekend you will feel compelled to tell bad jokes in a thick foreign accent, laugh at yourself, apologize to your audience, then launch into a dead-on Elvis impersonation.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It’s time to get outside for some fresh air. Go down to a pond, lake, river, puddle and skip some stones. Don’t put off that urge to join the North American Stone Skipping Association

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You’ll find yourself unable to break free of palindromaic statements today. Just go with the flow, proclaiming, “Madam, I’m Adam,” or “Dammit, I’m mad!” and “Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.” Don’t forget “Yawn. Madonna fan? No damn way!”


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You’re likely to become irritated by people who use sentences with prepositions on the end. There may be others who agree with you around. Invite them over. This way you’ll have someone to talk with. If they bring pictures, you’ll have something to look at. Go ahead and make the plans because it’s always good to have something to fall back on.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 12, 2004 - 3:37 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope Monday, April 12, 2004

The best things in life are free, but it costs a lot of time and money before you find this out
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it "hubcaps." This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.")

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 4:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, April 13, 2004
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
~ Alfred North Whitehead
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will become irrestistible to women, men, small dogs with hair in their eyes and palmetto bug creatures. They are still looking for antidote. Check back tomorrow!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Hoping to find new love, you drive out to meet a prospective partner at a farmhouse in the country. While you wait in your car, a wild dog attacks and slobbers all over your windshield, ruining the cosmetic trappings of your transport

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be struck by a runaway shopping cart if you don't stop snapping your gum at work

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's okay to turn down hearing aid now. Aliens stopped transmitting long time ago

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

If wishes were horses, you would be Mr. Ed. Do you know what dat means? Me neither!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your fascination with genetic engineering leads to trouble after you soup-up the brain of your gardener, who becomes a terrible actor and kills several people.

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 6:53 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, April 14, 2004


They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.
Gracie Allen


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)


So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 15, 2004 - 4:08 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Thursday, April 15, 2004

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)


Good time to remember that in the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 16, 2004 - 3:50 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 16, 2004


We all have to die some day, if we live long enough.
Dave Farber


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your Tae-Bo classes are still just a phone call away: make that call! Yes, it will be a hideously embarrassing experience, but look on the bright side - that's your second goal for the year done so there's nothing more left to do this year other than eat crackers and cheese!


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The giblets you throw away from the Turkey you cooked on the 14th will cause one of the most vicious cat fights in your street's history..."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be strangely drawn to a travelling bearded ladies exhibition which suddenly appear in town, ensure your cat is not allowed out at night at risk of it losing up to half of its fur."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will attempt to serenade a loved one in the style of Frank Sinatra in his rat pack years this month. Ensure you learn all the words to either I get a kick out of you, The lady is a tramp or The pig goes oink, the cow goes moo and the bell goes ding a ling.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A small furry mammal will have babies in you cellar. Supply them with milk in saucers by all means, but refrain from naming them with cutest names, as you will regret it tomorrow.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A friend will call you a trollop on the 16th. Punch them squarely on the nose with your right fist.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A person wearing a Star Wars storm trooper uniform will break two windows in your house.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Congratulations! You won a course of 20 'How to break-dance' lessons. However, it is essential you work out 20 excuses for not turning up to any of these lessons as you risk an 80% chance of losing the feeling beneath your waist, and also of your instructor's.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

In an evening stroll to get a breath of fresh air, you will notice what you believe to be a brand new constellation. You are of course completely right, but try not to tell anyone about it and do not phone your local newspaper when drunk.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The months of training for your boy band performance at the company Christmas party will pay off. Whilst a talent scout will (accidentally) see your performance, he will not deem it sufficient for any record deals, although the office assistant who videoed it will make a fortune from TV blooper shows when your boss has a heart attack while dancing like Travolta.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, April 17, 2004 - 3:46 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, April 17, 2004

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread -- especially in show business.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The belly dancers you have booked for a bachelor party will prove highly popular with its intended audience, although not with a group of girl guides who wanted to use the changing rooms at the time

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your attempts to take up extreme sports will take another boost when, whilst walking out to your car, you will unbelievably catch a large television set thrown out of an upstairs window. The adrenaline rush you get from the success of this catch will feature heavily in your after dinner talk circuit, and possibly on Letterman, later in your catching career.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

In China they are about to name a new disease after you, following an extensive search on the internet for a new name. Just think: One day you will be as famous as SARS. Employ a media management agency to investigate possible revenue streams.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

well loved aunt, who has a record as an anti-globalization protester, is set to make a welcome call. However, avoid taking her to any McDonalds or Starbucks from which she has a globe-wide ban

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A planetary alignment could spell doom for any nighttime driving in the forest. Beware Moose, Buffalo, Deer depending on which country you drive in. Be especially on the alert for hunters looking for adventure in middle age.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Avoid tongue twisters involving the letter P.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

An e-mail you receive will advise you on the virtues of a liquid which stops people going bald. If bald headedness bothers you, shave all of your hair off immediately, get it over with and enjoy life with renewed vigor

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 19, 2004 - 3:40 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, April 19, 2004
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 4:48 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, April 20, 2004

If you cry "forward," you must without fail make plain in what direction to go.
Anton Chekhov


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 7:32 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, April 22, 2004
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Avoid yodelling today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will
spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Tiddly wink day. Make it count.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Continue hiding.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live." But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die." Or something.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff." That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, April 23, 2004 - 3:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, April 23, 2004


The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In an Acapulco hotel


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It will suddenly occur to you that you know two songs in which the main lyric is "nah". (The "naaaaah nah nah nah naaaah" one, and the
"nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey" one.) This will prove to be an inspiration.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today will be one of those days when you sigh and say "so near, and yet, so what?" Still, it's better than no day at all.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Don't trot places today, preceded by a man banging two halves of a coconut together. Or if you do, stay away from the French.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You have an appointment with Destiny today. Unfortunately, you will be held up in traffic

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will develop an unhealthy fascination with televised golf. Look on the bright side, though. I'm sure there must be one. Somewhere.
No, really.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to get a hot-glue gun and a bunch of plastic fruit. Then you can make yourself some of those "Carmen Miranda Shoes" you've
been wanting

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Weather changes will soon work in your favor. (You've always wanted to see a glacier, haven't you?)


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to flummox people. One superior flummoxing method is to walk up to people with a smile, and stick out your hand to shake hands -- your left hand. (Seeing if you can pat their head and rub their tummy at the same time can be taken as being too personal, I've discovered

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Don't go out wearing THAT outfit. Didn't your mother tell you never to leave the house if your skirt didnt touch the floor when kneeling?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, April 26, 2004 - 3:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    

The Daily Humorscope



Monday, April 26, 2004

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger: roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
On the menu of a Polish hotel


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 3:24 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, April 27, 2004


"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." -- William Clayton

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)


Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware of being cautious, today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to make as much goulash as possible.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.