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Archive through January 25, 2005

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through January 25, 2005 users admin

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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, December 27, 2004 - 5:56 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, December 27, 2004


Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling." Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium." Don't take it lightly.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 - 2:27 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, December 28, 2004

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Alfred Adler
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 - 10:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, December 29, 2004



"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." -- Gore Vidal


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.









Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 - 10:14 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
This will be it til 1/4/05 upon my return from california :-)

Jmm
Member

08-16-2002

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 - 10:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Have a great and safe trip, Nancy.

Lancecrossfire
Moderator

07-13-2000

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 - 10:31 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Enjoy the parade Nancy!

Ladytex
Member

09-27-2001

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 - 11:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Have a safe and enjoyable trip!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, January 04, 2005 - 7:35 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, January 4, 2005

Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live." But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die." Or something.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, January 05, 2005 - 11:06 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, January 5, 2005


The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.


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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 06, 2005 - 4:05 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, January 6, 2005

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said "Less is more." He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 07, 2005 - 4:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, January 7, 2005


The talk talks and the walk talks, but the walk talks louder than the talk. Fred Roach, head of the Baylor Medical System Leadership Council contributed by Nick Hollingshad

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, January 10, 2005 - 9:28 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
January 10, 2005

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -- Aldous Huxley


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.




Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 - 11:43 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 4:18 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, January 12, 2005

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -- Voltaire (1694-1778)

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 4:22 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, January 13, 2005


When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to mumble.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 14, 2005 - 10:53 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, January 14, 2005

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
At a Budapest zoo

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 12:20 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, January 15, 2005


"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman..." -- Woody Allen


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?
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Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 11:01 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Sunday, January 16, 2005 My karma ran over your dogma.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip." Sounds like party attire to me!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, January 17, 2005 - 4:09 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
=^..^= The Daily Humorscope

Monday, January 17, 2005



O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)


Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 - 11:10 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, January 18, 2005


A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samuel Goldwyn


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard."


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 4:56 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.





--

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 4:01 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Thursday, January 20, 2005


You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across the Russian Orthodox monastery


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Another excellent day to whittle.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
-----------------------------------


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Friday, January 21, 2005 - 4:21 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, January 21, 2005
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -- Ronald Reagan





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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of celery.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, January 24, 2005 - 11:02 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Monday, January 24, 2005

These are times in which a genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed... Great necessities call our great virtues.

Abigail Adams



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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to sneak.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.





Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 4:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to act extremely childish.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)


Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.