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Archive through February 09, 2004

The TVClubHouse: General Discussions ARCHIVES: 2004 Nov. - 2005 Jan.: Humorscopes (ARCHIVES): Archive through February 09, 2004 users admin

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Mocha

Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 1:55 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
If I try to be logical then I'm doomed, lol. Nancy, I'm loving your humorscopes.

Nancy

Monday, January 19, 2004 - 4:29 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Monday, January 19, 2004


There are four types of men in the world; lovers, opportunists, lookers-on, and imbeciles. The happiest are the imbeciles.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.

Nancy

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 9:57 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Tuesday, January 20, 2004


"Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anyplace."

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of iguanas, today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Nancy

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 1:17 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Wednesday, January 21, 2004


Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not,
send one anyway -- that's always fun.

Nancy

Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 12:30 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Thursday, January 22, 2004


"I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave." -- E. M. Forster, as a small child

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge,
before it gets worse.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole

Nancy

Friday, January 23, 2004 - 4:57 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Friday, January 23, 2004



'You know, said Arthur, 'it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young' 'Why, what did she tell you?' 'I don't know, I didn't listen.'
Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics."

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Nancy

Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 10:16 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, January 24, 2004


Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Bring extra. You'll need it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.

Nancy

Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 11:05 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
January 25, 2004

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling." Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop." That's a bad habit, anyway.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.

Nancy

Monday, January 26, 2004 - 6:40 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Monday, January 26, 2004


"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time." -- James Thurber

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip." Sounds like party attire to me!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You'll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love

Nancy
Member

09-17-2002

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 3:46 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Tuesday, January 27, 2004



"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep." -- Fran Lebowitz

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.



Nancy
Member

09-17-2002

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 3:52 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live." But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die." Or something.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon



Nancy
Member

09-17-2002

Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 10:51 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Thursday, January 29, 2004


The talk talks and the walk talks, but the walk talks louder than the talk. Fred Roach, head of the Baylor Medical System Leadership Council contributed by Nick Hollingshad

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of galoots, today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will find the word "impecunious"
popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.


Nancy
Member

09-17-2002

Friday, January 30, 2004 - 8:39 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Friday, January 30, 2004


"I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name." -- Paula Poundstone

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 4:34 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
I will be on vacation so no new humorscopes til 2/8/04 :-)

Lancecrossfire
Moderator

07-13-2000

Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 4:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Have a great time Nancy--and thanks for posting them every day--I really like them!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 4:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, January 31, 2004


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.



Pisces (February 19 - March 19)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.


Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, February 07, 2004 - 7:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Saturday, February 7, 2004

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to make as much goulash as possible.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.



Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Saturday, February 07, 2004 - 7:44 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
yes i am back :-)

Jmm
Member

08-16-2002

Saturday, February 07, 2004 - 8:03 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Welcome back, Nancy, and may I just say YAY the humorscopes are back. Thank you so much for doing this thread for us, I so enjoy it.

Jackie

Tess
Member

04-13-2001

Saturday, February 07, 2004 - 8:45 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Yay!! Hope you took plenty of photos, Nancy, and I hope you and Mickey had a blast!

Herckleperckle
Member

11-20-2003

Saturday, February 07, 2004 - 9:10 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Dan Quayle did NOT really say that????!!!! OMG!!! Could you please bump up the Scorpios on Tuesday for LANDING a job? I could use it!!!!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, February 08, 2004 - 11:11 am   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope


Sunday, February 8, 2004


Carpe Noctum - Seize the night

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.



Lumbele
Member

07-12-2002

Sunday, February 08, 2004 - 12:28 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
Welcome Home, Nancy! Hope you had a fun time, but we missed ya.

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Sunday, February 08, 2004 - 9:15 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
thanks i did--i even went on the tower of terror and mission to mars rides!

Nancy
Member

08-01-2000

Monday, February 09, 2004 - 4:42 pm   Edit Post Move Post Delete Post View Post    
The Daily Humorscope
Monday, February 9, 2004


"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.