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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, September 10, 2004 - 9:42 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, September 10, 2004 "Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." -- Robert Benchley -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 10:28 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, September 12, 2004 I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard." Libra (September 22 - October 22) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium." Don't take it lightly. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery." Probably a little of both, I'd guess.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, September 13, 2004 - 3:10 pm
Daily Humorscope Monday, September 13, 2004 "Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead." -- James Thurber -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of galoots, today. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, September 14, 2004 - 10:07 am
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, September 14, 2004 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, September 15, 2004 - 3:58 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, September 15, 2004 "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to mumble. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 3:23 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, September 16, 2004 \ Conversation is like making love; the man is the question, the woman the answer, and the union of both will bear fruit. Arabian Proverb -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, September 17, 2004 - 3:37 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, September 17, 2004 Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Zurich Hotel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Hide. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!." Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?" Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, September 18, 2004 - 3:17 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, September 18, 2004 "I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." -- Carl Sandburg -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess"). Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family." Or at least, that's what you'll say. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, September 20, 2004 - 8:28 am
The Daily Humorscope Monday, September 20, 2004 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania." -- Dorothy Parker -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fidget. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)... Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 3:27 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, September 21, 2004 Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. Libra (September 22 - October 22) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of rodents. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of clams, today. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 3:29 pm
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, September 22, 2004 I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... Cancer (June 21 - July 22) As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 3:27 pm
The DAILY Humorscope Thursday, September 23, 2004 It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes. Sir Thomas Beecham -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. Libra (September 22 - October 22) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them." They are a silly people, the Dutch. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, September 24, 2004 - 10:19 am
The Daily Humorscope Friday, September 24, 2004 I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed... Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to go around "nudging" people. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 10:23 am
The Daily Humorscope Sunday, September 26, 2004 "This is the true joy in life ... being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one ... being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy....I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It's a sort of splendid torch which I've got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." -- George Bernard Shaw -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to sneak. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!" Libra (September 22 - October 22) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra."
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Monday, September 27, 2004 - 6:14 pm
The Daily Humorscope Monday, September 27, 2004 "The telephone pole was approaching fast and I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze." You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction." Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 3:13 pm
The Daily Humorscope Tuesday, September 28, 2004 "Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occured to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths." -- Bertrand Russell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 3:27 pm
{The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, September 29, 2004 "I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying." -- Woody Allen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- }
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 3:12 pm
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, September 30, 2004 The easy way is always mined. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Friday, October 01, 2004 - 2:19 pm
The Daily Humorscope Friday, October 1, 2004 The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr." Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 3:35 pm
The Daily Humorscope Saturday, October 2, 2004 I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 3:36 pm
this will prob be my last humorscope til my return from my vacation.. 
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Grannyg
Member
05-28-2002
| Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 4:12 pm
Thanks so much for doing these. I will miss them while you are gone!! Hope you have a great vacation!!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 6:28 am
The Daily Humorscope Wednesday, October 6, 2004 I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... Aries (March 21 - April 19) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! Libra (September 22 - October 22) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
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Grannyg
Member
05-28-2002
| Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 5:28 pm
I hope this means you are back from your vacation!! Yay!!!
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Nancy
Member
08-01-2000
| Thursday, October 07, 2004 - 10:29 am
The Daily Humorscope Thursday, October 7, 2004 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually "Did you know that there's a spider on your neck?" Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!." Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hide. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.
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